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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ค. 2014
- Instead of the "how I knew I was trans" genre, I'm doing "how I did NOT know I was trans [earlier]" Some reasons that seemed to delay or confuse my process of realizing and accepting that I'm trans. This kind of relates to the video in which Forest interviews me: • Interview: Waiting 8 y...
This.
I could cry. This is exactly I how lived my life until recently.. Thank you for making this.
+Cori Eli Wow, I'm so glad my video resonated with you. Thanks.
Cori Eli same
There were a lot of things that stunted the realization that I was trans. I was bullied for acting like a boy and for showing interest in girls. Even my parents discouraged that behavior, I was a very conforming kid and when was told that I was a girl and had to do girl things, I reasoned that I was a girl. But I wish I was one of those kids who knew.
+hadensdimension See, a lot of people say their experience was like yours, where they're discouraged and brought down, which is sad, but I'm happy for you now :) But anyway, I never knew I was trans until recently because I was interested in boys (and girls too, but that's beside the point) and I'm not like, incredibly masculine. I write and things, I don't like sports or a lot of traditionally "masculine" activities. I only noticed I was trans once I got my hair cut short, because around this time I started being mistaken for a boy, and for some reason I'd become really happy whenever someone thought of me as a boy. And since my breasts are small and I like baggy clothes, when I looked like a boy, I thought of myself that way too. I never really knew all of this made me trans until a while ago, mainly because no one discouraged me "looking" like a boy (I dressed like one as a kid, my mom would dress baby me in blue etc.) and no one acted like it was weird, so I just didn't pick up on it. But thinking of myself as a boy, and having other people think of me that way helps lessen my anxiety and help my depression. I'm so happy I've finally figured out how to be my best self. I think my experience isn't like most trans guys, but I'm happier like this, so it's all good :D
Damn that was a long rant, sorry
I LOVE the layers explanation. Sometimes I feel like I'm rushing into this because I really did *just* come to the realization that I'm trans. But, like you said, I've been pulling back the layers for years. Love your channel man, keep being awesome!
dangerdonut ogres are like onions, they have layers (I'm sorry)
Me too, it took me about 19 years to figure out because I'm 19 right now. I didn't really know until I looked up the different genders and sexualities/preferences and stuff. I feel like I'm rushing into this, but I've been looking back over the last 19 years of my life and feeling dumb because I never realized it sooner. Though I did feel uncomfortable with being in a womens body and stuff.
I feel the same!
Thank you so much for this. It upset me to see that most trans guys on here always felt super boy-ish as a child, but before I got a hair cut, I didn't really think about it, and I was super duper feminine, and I still feel like there's some aspects of me that are feminine, but it also feels right to be and "act" like a boy, it feels more natural, I guess. Thank you so much for helping me out !!!
+Gab Hurteau Same! I didn't know I was trans until people started mistaking me for a boy, then I knew this was who I was.
The thing about not dating in high school rings especially true for me. I was attracted to fictional guys but not guys in real life. Partly because I saw them as immature, but also because I didn't see myself as a sexual being. My friends were writing Mary Sue (self-insert) fanfiction and I hated that sort of romantic fantasy because I didn't want to imagine MYSELF with a guy. I only liked to think about other people with guys. Now I see why.
Damn this is too real.
Yeah, I was bisexual throughout school and ftm. I was in the friends zone. In elementary school, I was the only 'girl' that didn't have the cooties. Most of the girls and guys at my high school were to immature and I never saw them that way.
i haven't grown out of being smitten with fictional guys. current "husbando" is Axel/Lea from Kingdom Hearts. I hope I "fell for" the "right guy"
As someone who realized they were trans only two years ago at 20 years old, I relate to the “shell” part. I never really had a sense of identity. I mean, I could draw, I was kind of smart, I had friends, I liked to read, and so on. But if someone would have asked me “Who are you? What makes you different or unique? What makes you… you?” I would have nothing to reply with. I spent so much of my life copying others to try and fit in. What did the girls wear? What did the boys like? What made you popular? Spoiler alert, that path did not end well. Now I am on a path of discovery and finally finding out who I am. The shell is becoming an egg to be hatched.
I love that! That's wonderful that you're on your path of discovery now!
I did not know, that I foud out very late in life at 70 years old, when I brought a computer, look at YT, and click I undestand that i was a woman in My head/brain, mow I live as a woman a 100% inside at home and out side in town
holy shit i can really relate to a lot of this. i'm mostly attracted to men, but the idea of being with one as a girl makes me want to be violently ill :(
Same ! When first started thinking about sex it was me and guy because how else would it be right? Then I somehow just started imagining scenarios about two men because I felt uncomfortable with the idea of being part of it and then it evolved into me as a boy with another boy and now I can't ever go back to the start
CodeDarkBlue I thought it was only me omg
Thats why I held back even more attempting to go to girls cos I just couldnt imagine myself as a female with a female... I always called myself queer and asexual or aromantic until a switch flipped and my sexual energy and deep honesty unveiled and now I can just be a dude loving girls and not being so ashamed of the whole maleness. Its not toxic if you dont abuse your ablities/identity at all, so I dont get why people keep shaming everyone for toxic masculinity?
SAME omg
Oh my gosh you f**king hit the nail on the head when you were talking about your history of relationships. Oh man, I relate so hard. I never realized that I was the man that I pictured in my ideal relationship. Being 21 now, I feel kind of like I'm playing catch-up... and that I missed out on my teenage years. They feel kind of... hallow and unlived. It's kind of sad to think that way... I know. But to a degree it's true for a lot of us I guess. This video helped me a lot though. I'm really glad you posted this.
Omg I'm not trans but I so get this. I lived most of my life as I thought I was expected to. Only now that I've allowed myself to 'break the mould' have I discovered emotions and vulnerabilities that I never knew existed.
Katie Taylor Thanks! I'm so glad that you have had those experiences you mention!
33 years old AND just realized that I was trans last year. Exactly the same as your story. I was totally unaware and just sort of accepted that I was a girl and that's just who I am, etc. The second I started shopping for guys clothes, it was like....why didn't I do this before? This is amazing.
I'm 27, finally coming to terms with being trans and this video resonated with me so much. FINALLY someone with a similar story to mine. I didn't have those moments as a kid of saying "I'm actually a boy." I feel the same way about having to peel back layers of conditioning to find my authentic self. So refreshing to see someone who didn't transition as a teenager or in their early 20s.
I feel like I would have said I was a boy if I thought anyone would actually believe me.
The layers part is so beyond accurate though. I'm 23 and only just now realizing that I'm trans. And there were so many signs of it when I was a kid (throwing tantrums when put in dresses and turtlenecks, crying when I found out I couldn't stop my boobs from growing), but growing up I had to slowly accept that boy things were okay.
"What I want vs. what I want to be" is the question that has had me stumped forever. You've always been on of my favorite vloggers. I'm a super analytic over-thinker, and watching you go on this journey gives me hope that I can get it figured out, too-- eventually.
Thank you! I'm glad! Best wishes for your own journey.
Man, this hits WAAAAY too close to home. This is literally the video I needed to see and I have practically the same story. Ty for this.
That was how I figured out my ftm identity too! At one point I actually Googled: 'can I be heterosexual but homoromantic?' I didn't really feel anything when thinking about myself as a female with another female, but did when thinking about a straight couple. However, at the same time I realised that I had only had crushes on girls at my own age, and therefore thought I was gay. I never felt that the 'lesbian' label fitted with me, I said to my friends that I'm just "no label". Now I realise that I wanted to be the male role, and I actually like women because I am a straight male!
I always felt like this too. I didn't realize that I was ftm, I thought that it was just puberty or that I was a tomboy. I also thought that I was just a lesbian, but I'm actually bisexual. I didn't really know what transgender was until a few months ago and it made complete sense to me when I looked up others stories. I never really had time to explore my gender and sexual identity until my first year of college (this year) because I had other crisis' in my life going on, but I've been looking back at my childhood and my teen years and realized that there were many clues. Thanks for sharing your story, now I know that I'm not alone.😗😗
People used to call me gay because I was effeminate so I just assumed that I was even though I've never been attracted to men so I just found myself as a closet straight person. It's only recently that I've been able to accept the person I am but like you I just went about my life with the labels assigned taken as fact
excellent question. I don't have exactly that "I always knew" feeling and that made things a lot difficult for me.
I never had that either, but I had tons and tons of clues so now I kind of feel dumb for not realizing it sooner. I think my classmates realized it before I did.
Oh my god. Oh my god thank you so much. I'm in tears. I'm 15. As I kid I did the same thing. I thought of myself as a girl and I think when playing games I tried to overcompensate, "I'll be the princess!" and that type of thing but... as I got older I progressively learned more about the LGBT community I realized, I'm not a girl. I'm not sure if its the dysphoria right now that making me feel sick or me denying that i'm trans still. Because sometimes I close my eyes or I hear things and I'm like 'Haha i'm a girl that makes sense' and then I think and I tell myself 'No you're a boy now stop.' Maybe I'm not trans? But I am right? I'm sorry I shoudln't be bothering you like this. I feel sick. I'm going to leave now.
Dude...you have no idea how much this video has helped me. I've just seen it for the fourth time and you're helping me figure out my gender. Thank you so much.
all of this makes so much sense. i had that lack of rebellion too because of other family issues. much love
Thank You, Austin...for bringing such clarity to your trans journey. I relate to so much of what you're sharing and it's so helpful. This is so exciting...
Oh yeah this is good. I relate to a lot of these things. Something that especially resonated with me, which I hadn't consciously acknowledged before, is what you said about mental energy being taken up elsewhere. It makes so much sense! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Alex! I appreciate that you can relate!
Everything you describe here is on point true for me except I'm MtF. I'm only 3 weeks on hrt though.
this is such a good video i love the way you explain your process and definitely relate peeling back all the layers over time until reaching acceptance, it feels good to finally be in alignment with my truth!
I'm just going through this realization now, and the only stories I knew were those who had known they were trans from a young age, and its hard not to invalidate myself because of that. I really needed to hear someone's story like this- it helps a lot.
Thanks, I'm glad this was helpful!
Me too, I felt invalidated reading those guy's stories too.
Omg, this describes me so well.... This is one of the best explanations I have come across. Especially the parts about intuition and sense of reality fit so well it is almost shocking. But so many things apply to me - the "passive" childhood, the lack of dating, shallow in parts, the layers keeping me back from thinking about gender, terrible experiences demanding much of my energy...
I don't know if you're still reading this, but thank you so much for posting this. I have been questioning my gender and researching for well over a year now, but I needed to hear this. Your words about identity are very similar to the thoughts I had when graduating. Only through my graduation thesis did I feel identity for the first time, and that made me look for my gender identity, too. But hearing someone else say something similar means so much! learned to understand my own words better, if that makes sense. Thanks, and all the best to you somewhere out there!
Thank you! I am so happy that you found this video so helpful. You aren't alone! So many of us have similar experiences, even though that is not always apparent in the popular narratives of trans experience.
I feel so strongly about women's rights and how unfairly a person is treated if they happen to have been born female, like me, that am I confusing my feelings of strength and masculine aspects with "male-ness?"
In my reality I am not a "male" because I was never a boy. I had to grow up with the pain of being a girl, and getting my period, and seeing "my side" ...
How can I "abandon" my past? Is that even right? Also, isn't the want to change my body just ego? What about "truth?" I'd be ME on the inside no matter what happens on the outside anyways... so isn't everything else just vanity?
If you feel like you'd be "abandoning" your past, then maybe that's something you shouldn't do. Personally, I feel that when I transition, I will not be abandoning my past; I will always remember and respect and honor it. And my past involved a lot of pain and depression and discomfort around my gender, so if I can transition and thus have a future that's happier than my past, why not? Just because I had pain in my past does not mean I want to wallow in it. Also, even if changing one's body involves ego, is that really a horrible thing? I mean, unless we're going to be Buddhist monks for the rest of our lives, we do need to recognize that we have an ego and that it's kind of necessary for getting around in our world. You can satisfy and tend to the ego without being a desperate slave to it, in my view. I think changing one's body is not simply about vanity; the body and how you perceive it does influence your mind and feelings of well-being.
It's pretty easy in a genderist culture to think that you need to have physical male characteristics in order to have 'masculine' personality characteristics.
Don't think about this too much. Obsessing about it makes you more likely to get confused and messed up, and want to do things like transition. You're fine as a female. You are not your body. Gender stereotypes and the gender binary are bullshit. I suggest watching fewer of these transition videos and engage more with gender abolitionist and critical material (and talk to people who chose not to transition, and who detransitioned).
You can have this viewpoint, but it's certainly not one I share with you. I would never want to abolish gender! I love gender! It's fun, satisfying, fascinating. I'd never be attracted to a genderless person, either. Some people are, which is awesome. But I'm very HAPPY with how I am and with gender! I felt confused in the past, when I tried to be female, but now that I'm transition I do not feel confused; I feel solid and happy and hopeful. Also, to respond to the first line of your comment, I do not "think that you need to have physical male characteristics in order to have 'masculine' personality characteristics." I was masculine as female. But I want a male body because it feels right to me. That's all.
Also, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to convince me of this stuff anymore. It does nothing but frustrate me, because it's so clear that you don't understand how I feel and don't seem especially open to understanding it, either.
I wasn't talking to you, but to the other commentator.
I understand these things a lot better than you think. I'm no stranger to gender identity, but I am able to see through it. Identities are just formations, but once you rehearse to yourself that you are a 'boy' (whatever that is), the formation gets increasingly established. If you had been critical of these things and seen through them, the identity could have ceased to exist or never formed at all.
Also, what is gender and what do you think is fun about it?
I'm watching this in 2021 after coming out last year and I can't tell you just how helpful your story is. I've seen so many detransition videos (which never help) but this is the shit I've needed so thank you
This video is helping me so much. I've only barely started thinking about my own gender at age 20 and I was so confused why it took me so long. I relate to so many of the things you mentioned!!
You have literally described the person I am at the moment. Dammnnnn thank you for posting this.
+jdult Cool! I'm glad you liked the video.
Hey, just came across this video, didn't know your channel until then. Thanks a lot for making this, seriously. There's never been anything more relatable. That's totally how I've been living (including the guilt part, lol) and I always felt kinda wrong for not being sure of my gender from a young age. It's so hard to accept yourself as a person when you don't even know who you are for sure...
Thank you very much for sharing your experiences in this video; I know it's old but it's still helping a lot. Cheers from Brazil 💙
WOW the bit and the end where you talked about guilt/shame about maleness REALLY resonated with me, this is a great video
+nate frazer Awesome! I'm so glad I could be of some help. It's so interesting that a number of people have those feelings.
I've felt that way. You're probably the first person who's talked about this in this way and it's something I can really relate to.
I’ve just discovered your channel like a week ago, never thought I would relate to you in some cases
I'm 28 currently and I've been contemplating a lot more lately if I'd be more happy transitioning.. I'm definitely getting top surgery, but I am not sure if I'll be happy stopping there or go further. That's what I definitely need to figure out and I know it's going to take time to truly see what is going to make me the most happiest. I've always felt more on the male side.. It's nice seeing your videos to help give me more perspective.
I saw this video a little over a year ago (at 17) at a time when I was really confused and depressed, and this video helped me a lot. I ended up asking my mom for gender counseling and I'm now 18 and two months on testosterone, out to everyone in my life. Thank you so much for posting.
Wow! I'm so glad that you got your transition started. Best wishes to you!
I am feeling you on the layers explanation. Thanks for sharing bro.
Gee, I do recognize many things here. Loosing someone close at young age (I also lost my dad) and the responsibility that comes with that. The teenage years that should be spent irresponsible and egocentric to find out things about yourself, were spent to take care of others. And thus a delay in self awareness. I also recognize that discomfort and restlessness in being lesbian, as it never felt as a relief or true "come out" for me. I didnt have that celebration many gay people have at all, even though it was so clear I only fell in love with girls. I was also anxious about the sex. I could easly picture the girl, but not myself as a femalebodied in a sexual setting!? I was lost. Those lost young years, spent alone, while others were exploring. The one thing I dont agree with at all, is the idea of females as victims. Just because females in general doesnt have the strenght or body to rape or kill in the same extent men do, does not mean they are more kind or gentle? They often use their power to manipulate and control instead. Theres different ways of abusing others, physical abuse is just the most visible.
I'm glad you can relate, man! Thanks. I can really relate to what you say about sex as a female. Yeah, I agree that women/females can be violent or manipulative too; I guess that in my guilt about maleness I was basing my feelings on stereotypes, and as I've gotten past such stereotypes, my guilt has gone away.
Thank you for sharing this perspective, I have had a similar experience and am only now figuring it all out. This was super helpful! 👏
You're so welcome! thank you for your comment!
I definitely relate to your realization timeline. Didn't have enough insight into myself to know I was trans until I was 30. Always felt I was living someone else's life until last couple of years. I still feel like I'm playing catch up but I'm enjoying my life now!
Thanks! I can relate to what you say! Isn't it amazing to feel like yourself, feel like you're really living your own life, knowing who you are? I love it.
Without the internet, I doubt I would've realized, but I'm 19 and just figured it out. Just never realized it sooner.
Thank you for making this! I only recently realized I was trans, but I still had doubts because up until recently I'd just accepted that I'm a girl, and that's just the way it is. But this really helps me realize that I'm not just confused. Thank you :)
Omg.......I'm very close to tears.....I've bin dealing with questioning my gender for the past 6 months, i know it doesn't sound like a lot but it is what it is....everything you said completely related to me.....thank you for this amazing video, it really helped me figure me in my time of need 😊😊😊
Thank you for this video, I think I can relate to some things you said. It's really important that you shared your story although it isn't like most of the stories, and at least for me it feels really scary to share things like that... So thank you, and I've subscribed and will be looking forward for your new videos
+OysterTalks Thank you! I appreciate that, and I'm glad you can relate to some of it.
I feel like I'm watching someone else explain my life. It's uncanny. Every word you said could have come straight from me. Except, substitute dead dad with deadbeat dad... yeah. Same effect though.
That's interesting! It's cool to hear that others can relate to my experience. thanks!
Dito. You helped me realize a couple of things that hadn't quite made it to the surface yet. I'm glad you made this video also because I think it will help others. I've met people who think the only way to be transgender is to know by the time you are three and never question it. It was difficult for me to believe in myself and my transition when other people told me I was wrong/making it up. I'm sure others have gone through that as well. I think your story will help them. :D
Thank you for sharing your story. Although I did have feelings of being a boy when I was younger, it's not until recently that I've had to face my gender identity. I can relate to when you were talking about peeling away the layers to reveal more about who you are. You are very articulate and well spoken. I am grateful to you for being vulnerable. I am sorry that you lost your dad a such a young age. It sounds like you have worked very hard at coping with such a tragedy.
Thank you for being you Allen.
That's very kind--thank you! I appreciate it. :)
thanks so much for sharing. I couldn't identify more with your story. Aside from my family rejecting anything non-cis, non binary, the difficult part for me is the constant state of confusion about my gender. I never know whether I'm loving my body or merely tolerating it. That sounds strange, but I have always felt like I'm swinging back and forth between accepting my masculine qualities and wanting to display my feminine qualities. One layer at a time, I guess.
Me too, only it was me trying to accept my more feminine qualities and display my more masculine, if that makes sense.
This was so helpful! thank you for sharing your story!
+Gabriel Tuxhorn (coldcoffee) I'm glad! Thanks!
LOve this video, thank you for making it and leaving it up for me to see so many years later. It really resonates with me the part about layers, andthe part about not identifying with what I would call "toxic masculinity". It took many years for me to see healthy masuclinity.
thank you for your comment! I'm so glad the video was helpful to you!
Ho.ly.sh*t. The part where you talk about envisioning the type of guy you thought you should or would want to be with during your high school days, and then considering that actually this might just be the type of guy you either want to be or envision YOURSELF as though ... I cannot even tell you how many times I've thought about that myself, for years and years (ftr, I've identified as a lesbian for probably 15 years now and am just beginning to explore my gender identity now). Damn. I thought I was the only one who wondered "am I attracted to this type of guy, or do I want to BE that guy?" and have struggled with that for so long. So. Thank you for this.
I really needed to see this video. Thank you for sharing.
I definitely have had a similar thing with my sexuality. I admire the male physique a lot and love guys... But actually being with them romantically/sexually is uncomfortable as hell, becuase my interest in guys I often think may purely be admiration coming from my inner masculinity and a bit of envy. I can never work it out, but I think it's partly that.
I relate strongly. I too lost a parent at a young age and it took me a decade to learn how to listen to my feelings and figure out that I am transgender. Thank you for sharing.
Excellent. Thank you. I relate to all of this. Your videos are really helping me. Thank you
Are you kidding me, this is so much my story you just told. I'm freaking out a little...! Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sure it will help me.
Your story has really help me see my true self i can relate so much with ur story and it help me understand my more
this cleared up so many questions
I love this video it's so helpful and relatable !
Oh my god... You've summed it up so well.
I also had to deal with other issues and was fully occupied with that... (have been bullied for 7 years and even teachers... also have a medical condition that might make me deaf someday...)
Also haven't had a rebellious phase
I can relate to so many things you said
Also with the aspect of having guilt somehow... though maybe it's kinda more like shame (at least for me)
But looking back I remember a time where I was like "but I don't want to be a boy" and "why can't I just be a girl" and I clearly didn't want anybody to know that....
So I locked up my inner self until I was 21 years old
You're adorable! Also the first thing you said, I relate to that so much but since there is so much access to the internet now I found out about transgender earlier and 2 years later (which is now) I finally know who I truly am but I still gave myself an 8 months chance to check if I'm truly a boy or if I'm mistaken. So after 8 months I have a choice: Accept and understand that I'm a cisgender girl and live the rest of my life like that OR accept and understand that I'm a transgender boy and spend at least a bit of my childhood (and whole life. Also I'm 12 right now) as a boy. :) Also I wish you luck in life!
I'm glad you can relate. It sounds like you've given yourself a pretty tight timeline... I'd encourage you to not pressure yourself to put a date on it, and not to view the 8 month deadline as a point where you'll make an absolute final decision for the rest of your life. As I've gotten older, I realize that in some ways, life is really, really long, and you can make all kinds of changes as years go by, and what you may have previously thought would be "too late" to make a change is really not too late at all.
+TheSLOfox Thanks :)
I've given myself about 12 months or so and so far I feel more and more trans as the months go by. I'm not gonna make the final decision to go on T or anything until I've lived 12-24 months as a boy with boy pronouns and everything. I still live with my parents and I can't even cut my hair or do any small thing that I could start with for transitioning, but it gives me enough time to figure out myself.
Thank you so much. This is a very honest viewpoint. You have my respect. X
Holy cow, I relate to so much of what you're saying in regards to finding out my own gender. When I first came out to my mom, the first thing she asked was "well, you didn't really seem to vocalize this from a young age, how can you know now at the age of 17?" And I could understand why my mom would ask that question because in the case of a lot of transgender people, there seemed to be a very obvious pattern of people that said they knew from a very young age. I, however, didn't know from a young age and so therefore didn't vocalize it, as my mom mentions in her question. A lot of reasons for why that might have been the case for me seem to pop up in what you say in this video. Some of them reasons that I've thought of as a possibility in my own thinking. One of the reasons you mentioned really popped out to me, and that was the reason why I might have found girls attractive, but still liked guys. And as you said, that was because when I pictured my standard guy, I might have pictured this man in my head not necessarily because I wanted to be with him, but because I actually wanted to be him. I used to draw a lot of dudes in my spare time, and I think that a lot of that wasn't really for reasons as to how attractive they were, but rather because I saw an aesthetic beauty in them. A want for their body to be my own. There are a lot of other reasons you mentioned that I could list as reasons for my own discoveries, but there are just too many and I've got school tomorrow. Lmao. All in all, you made a great video that was relative to how I was feeling, and I thank you a bunch because I now no longer feel alone. Again, thank you. uvu
Thanks! I'm so glad you can relate!
damn i relate to so much of this. thank you for sharing ❤️
HI there...I loved this video. I too did not come to my knowledge about my trans identity as one often hears about, i.e., 'I know I was born in the wrong body". I was a very feminine , but abused little girl, and when I was six I decided I wanted to be a boy. A total transformation that enabled me to come out of my depression, to heal the many immunity issues and illnesses I'd nearly died from, to finally learn how to trust people and to finally ride my bike, and even to talk in groups.Later, because I fell in love with girls and after doing a lot of healing work, and experimenting to be sure about that, I assumed I was just a butch lesbian. I have lived that life, thinking that if I healed that little girl that hid inside me, I would enjoy lesbian activities rather than wanting to be a man with them (in the intimate ways). But regardless of what I've done to fix her, so that she stops getting triggered all the time, by things like sex, etc, nothing has worked. I believe I have triggering her by trying to fix her because I'm constantly bringing it up or it comes on its own. But when I was six, I integrated a male identity to end the pain she carried. I realize I have been male-identified all my life, because I am very aware that there is no woman inside, because she never grew up. And I have stifled him to appease others, though isn't much left to change except physically. Watching this video helped me feel about accepting this even though I was born in the RIGHT body. Looking back, I have also been experiencing many, many 'aha." moments. So, I am pretty convinced this is a good decision. Thank you, TheSLOfox. Thomas
You make so much sense. Thank you. And also, not wanting to sound superficial but, you are so handsome.
thank you!
I just want you to know how much I appreciate this video! This video has helped me so much and like I just really want you to know how much this video means to me!
+Erin McNeill Thank you! I'm really glad.
I can relate to this narrative too, so much!
I relate sooo much to this, iv been thinking that maybe im not trans because i didnt really know as a kid i just began to go towards masculine things and yeah there was a few signs when i was a kid but how you described your story, sounds very similar to mine about the whole gradually wearing mens clothes and dating a girl etc ☺️
I watched this so many times and I just realised so many of the paralells. I also had this obsession with maleness that I projected onto being attracted to guys even though I now feel much more comfortable dating girls. As soon as I decided that being attracted to girls wasn't bad, I lost a lot of the fear I had harboured since 8 years old of dressing the way I wanted to. I had this epiphany that I had been projecting things I wanted for myself onto this image of a guy I wanted to date. My dad also died when I was young (5). I remember I used to talk to him about how I wanted to be a boy. Afterwards I gained this very pragmatic view of life in general. Feelings weren't worthwhile if they made my life harder. So generally my coping mechanisms for everything have been based on this ideal and usually involve hyperfocusing on things that make me feel better and completely ignoring anything difficult. Since I started to come out as attracted to women, I started trying to be more authentic and express myself, this has been liberating but has also completely broken down my beleif that I can cope because I have started to see feelings as important but I am totally unable to focus on them and on other life activities at the same time. Honestly its at the point where I can't tell if I'm trans or just obsessed with things that might be "wrong" with me because I am unable to focus on anything lightly. At the same time, I don't hate my body but also know that my ability to pragmatically avoid insecurity has been trained throughout my life to be pretty high so I dunno if that makes me less trans or trans but really oddly-wired mentally.
Literally sounds like my life story. Right down to the dad detail - my dad died when I was 12 after dealing with cancer since I was 5 (cancer which was always VERY serious and which he was never expected to survive for nearly that long). I've always felt like I needed to take care of my mom because of that, so much so that she and my brother accused me of not feeling anything in terms of grief in the months after. I also feel like I'd be taking her only daughter away from her and she's already lost so much. She's always tried to make me act more traditionally feminine and doesn't get that I just can't.
Does it screw with you too that your dad will never know? My dad will never know about my sexuality (bisexual but predominantly attracted to women) or my gender or my name if/when I choose a different one... it almost feels like I'd be loosing a part of him if I choose to live in a way that is so fundamentally different from how he knew me 😕
Thanks for sharing your experience! To answer your question, no, I don't really think about my dad a lot anymore; I spent a little more than 20 years having lots of feelings and thoughts about him, but now I feel I'm just in another chapter of my life, and I'm not focused on my dad at all. I feel like transitioning actually got my head out of the past, in some ways, and into the present and future!
Thank you for this, I can relate to it.
I've honestly always been comfortable being close with another girl regardless of what society said but I settled for being a lesbian stud because that's what I've always knew and what felt right at the long ass period of time. It just always occurred to me that the only thing about guys that interest me is their anatomy, I didn't want the guy I wanted his anatomy and I still do but I always feel a good bit of relief when people in public respect my pronouns unknowingly since I haven't started t yet or just assume that I'm a guy because I pass as one most times
Edit; also, I'm sorry for your loss☹️
I know this was posted quite some time ago, but I just found it and at 30, now 31, began realizing I was trans and I relate so much to what you said. I think a lot of my reasons come just from being a "rule-follower," as you mention, I was born into the female role, so I accepted that and went along with it, even if I didn't always like it or feel the most comfortable. It never occurred to me that I could be something else. Although I did date (1 guy) in high school and have crushes throughout my childhood/teen years, I feel that much of that is more because of what I was socialized to do and less an actual longing to have a relationship with those guys. When I recognized I might be a lesbian a couple years ago, that seemed to make sense, but I never really pursued any kind of lesbian relationship. Now recognizing that I identify closer to the male side of the spectrum/or at the very least non-binary, I can relate to that whole switching roles in my mind, I picture a male/female relationship, but maybe I needed it to be me as the male. I'm still figuring it out, but look forward to catching up on more of your videos to see where your journey has continued to take you.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. That's great that you're doing some introspection, and with an open mind. I hope you keep peeling back the layers and find some more peace!
Thank you for posting this video. I am 24 and I am just coming to terms with the fact that I am trans. I feel like my life was kind of like you said, the dictionary form of being a girl. I kind of always knew that I liked girls ever since i was about 7 years old but I tried to push away those feelings but when I turned 18, I came out as a lesbian. But I never feel like a lesbian (if that makes sense). I feel like i'm a straight guy. I have a beautiful wife and she is super supportive of me beginning this journey. You're video also helps me to know I'm not alone on this walk to becoming the person I truly am.
The part where you talk about imagining the guy. That, but it was me imagining a woman. But, the woman I was imagining was *myself*. Just like you imagining that guy. Mind-blowing. Also I would literally dissociate and imagine myself in my partner's position for years. Effectively imagining myself in their body.
I have had the same experience as you.
The first time I remember finding out about trans people. I was reading an article in some girls magazine at a friend's place and it was about a trans girl and I was incredibly fascinated by it and told my parents about it, all amazed like I didn't realize that was even possible
So I really agree with you, I think I just lived how others wanted and expected me to
I just want to say thank you for making this video because holy shit, I can identify with almost everything you talked about.
Loved this video. I definitely identify with certain elements...I identify as agender, I've never really felt like a certain gender but now I'm thinking maybe I'm ftm after all...you definitely gave me food for thought. Thanks.
I feel like you just told my life in a different font.
wow, that's such a cool way of putting it! I love that.
Thank you
This is similar to my experience. I never felt I had the opportunity to explore myself and certainly never my gender. Even now I have barriers to entry as I sometimes feel I'm judged for not understanding sooner and I'm even asked why I "allow myself to be seen as a man (read oppressor)?" Idk, probably because hrt would have had greater effect back in my teens when I was still being thrown out of feminist rallies for "being a man".
I'm glad you found your authentic self. I'm working on finding mine
Im currently 32 and just starting my transition, you explained my life..... Thank you,
Wow! :) I hope your transition is awesome.
I've had a very similar experience. I only started my "teenage rebellion" by coming out as Trans, and, as well, my mental health struggles during High School made it hard to do anything. I've also felt being attracted to women, but not being able to see myself with one as a woman at all. I'm still working on my mental health before starting my transition, though, because I want to be the best man I can be.
Yeah, totally agree! I complied with the dictionary definition of a female/girl for a long time but also having this deeper "wiring" going on with my gender but I couldn't understand it.
I didn't rebel as a teen either.. I wanted to wear boy clothes for a long time but was so afraid. I wanted to cut my hair "like a boy" growing up but I was afraid people would perceive me as a lesbian but I like guys. I've always liked guys but never allowed myself to process if I like girls, but I do. I like both guys and girls because I'm attracted to masculinity.
Fear held me back soooo much so i didn't start transitioning until 29yrs old.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
You don't need to lie to yourself and others to wear men's clothes.
It's the do you/ be you crisis! : ). This was great. TY!
omg this is so me... I was like that until a year ago, although I was kinda tomboy when I was younger. thanks for this video, its awesome
Excellent topic, Austin. I should do a video on this one!! I think us older guys have a bit more trouble (Since, I'm 66 so I had MUCH more trouble). We didn't talk gender. I think those of us who are not entirely inside the gender binary have more trouble because there isn't an entirely neat place for us. I have some of the same characteristics you did, as far as having other things to deal with, "the male club", and not being very rebellious.
Yeah, it is indeed hard to navigate and deal, when one is in-between in the gender binary. That's cool that you can relate to some things I mentioned--thanks.
This resonated really deeply with my experience of not discovering my transness until I was 42. Thanks.
that's powerful to hear - I'm glad it resonated with you! Thanks for your comment!
Sheesh, you look young in this video for 31. Just stumbled across this channel. Should be interesting to watch all of your videos. The sound quality seems really low in this one though :o
h?? excuse me are you my twin? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO, I'm going through so much of the same stuff, this video just kept slamming me with stuff I recognized--I feel so relieved that someone else has gone through this stuff, I kept thinking maybe I wasn't "really" trans because I didn't identify with other people's journeys. Thank you.
haha. Thanks for letting me know - I am so glad that this resonated so much with you! I used to feel just like you're feeling.
sorry for the lost of your dad, I'm still very confused as to what I am. I lost my dad last year to Alzheimers
So this video popped up in my recommended feed, and two things... One, my name is also Austyn, and two, I relate with this so so much
THANK U SO MUCH FOR THIS.
You are so welcome!
Just wanted to let you know that 8 years later this still helps people. Our storys of discovery are super similar.
Except my parents were bigots and i was kept holed away mentally until like 26. Didnt realize i wasnt a girl until i moved halfway across the country at 31. ❤
Thanks for the video! It helped me a lot! Btw just subscribed;)
This resonates
You're my psychological twin. Love u bro
haha! Thank you.
I can relate with a lot of your feelings with highschool and developing into being a lesbian then a trans man. Great expression of your feelings! Nice vid!
Thanks a lot! :)
Hi, I just wanted to say I'm only like 4 minuets into your video. I thought I was the only one feeling like this. I'm only 14 but very confused but educated. This is really helpful and I'm not done with the video but I wanted to say thank you.
I'm glad! thanks!