5 Truths As You Respond To A Controlling Critic
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ค. 2024
- Each of us has critics who can be quite free with advice we don't want or need. So what do you do when faced with ongoing criticism? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter reminds you that you can't stop a critic from being a critic, but you can manage yourself in a manner that keeps you disentangled from the emotional traps they lay for you.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and psychotherapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the last 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
Dr. Carter's video workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group that can assist you: betterhelp.com/drcarter
![[TH] VCT Pacific Stage 2 - Week 4 Day 3 // GEN vs TS | PRX vs ZETA](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nspkjQuZve0/mqdefault.jpg)
"These are damaged souls and you're not required to carry their damage on the inside of you" - wonderful Dr C! My new mantra.
Yes, i learned this in December 2018 from one of his narcissism videos - and this thought was life-changing!
1. My narcissistic friend‘s judgment on me did not have such an impact anymore, because i couldn’t validate her opinion, after having fully recognized that her perception of everything in this world is damaged.
2. I feel no guilt for ending our „friendship“. I don‘t exist to be her scapegoat, when she feels unhappy and has to release her anger over all the things that don‘t work out in her life.
She never got back to me. I think she knows that i know what she is. The mask has fallen. They sense it, who is still on their hook and who‘s lost.
Suedetussy one narcissist I dealt with used to say “I’m just reeling you in baby!” I once smiled and asked “have you ever asked yourself what you will do once you capture me?” The blank puzzled look speaks volume to me today. Needless to say I have been single for 5 years unfortunately I didn’t know what I know now. Best gift I ever gave myself was time to heal and learn to love myself so that I’m never that lonely again. Today I’m alone but I’m not lonely. We must invent the reality WE want to live. I am the change I wish to see in this world. I’m so excited your eyes are open and your free to be you, and your a beautiful soul meant to have the best life possible!!!!!!
Believe in love Thank you for your words. Keep up the good spirit and i wish you to meet a man, who reflects your empathetic personality!
Believe in love I mean i understood what you were saying: that you are not lonely and enjoy having time for yourself.
I‘ve been single for a long while, until i met my boyfriend. This was, when my narcissistic friend (to whom i had an unhealthy, borderless friendship) got jealous and put me under pressure, and i left her.
O f course, i was a bit skeptical against my boyfriend, too, because he told me that he picked me for my kindness. Maybe a narcissist on supply search. But he turned out to be an empath, who felt understood by me. 🙂
Suedetussy awww you deserve happiness and love ❤️ unfortunately sometimes we lose friends along the way. The peace of mind is so much better than the frustration of someone who truly never had your best interest at heart. I am sending you a big hug and lots of prayers for a long lasting HEALTHY relationship.
1 They insult.
2 Your the problem, they say.
3 You can't give input.
4 Not very understanding of you.
5 Do not try to " right" their insults.
Just remember who these folks are, Bad folks.
Thank you Dr. Carter for treating us with dignity and respect, and civility.
I intend to be more uplifting. Thanks
#5 for 26 years, was I played by a psycho.?
Blue Bird - 5. I learned to just call the person out. Priceless. Shut him up every time to the point the bastard doesn't do it anymore. Some friend. Not.
I say something along the lines of, I know what you are doing. It's pathetic the only way you feel better about yourself is to embarrass, put me down in front of other people to make yourself feel better about your miserable self in order to feel morally superior. It's sad that the only time you are happy is when you are putting someone else down. And you wonder why you are alone? You ran you're wife and son off. The best revenge they got is they are happy and never have to see or talk to you again. YOU LOOSE in the end. (Even if it didn't occur in front of anyone, most of the time it did.)
I said it enough times the asshole doesn't do it anymore. Or at least very rarely because he forgets. And once I am able move (I rent from him, treated him like family for years. NO MORE) I never have to SEE OR HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. Deep down he knows once I move, it's the end. The turd is hanging on for dear life too because he has nobody else and has grown old now but fails to see he did this himself because he thinks he is God, himself and gets mad when slapped in the face with reality when people just leave his life. Acts like the victim when in fact he is perp!
Orphan , I am so sorry dear, this had happened to you. Thank you for sharing. Yes, no contact is best for us ,with these type of nasty folks.
Everybody has something good inside of them. Just some people are more difficult or more dangerous than others. Even though I know how hard is to deal with , say, sociopath or , as you are discussing here, a narcissists, there must be something good about them too. And when I am reading most of those comments, those narcissists seems to be like an evil. Still, they are humans. You do not have to be close to them ,or live with them , but you do not have to criticize them so badly.
Abiding Happiness , Isn't that the truth, yes Chris Watts, from Colorado was kind enough to kill all 4 of his family members rather then letting one suffer alive and alone. Wasn't that Godly of him,?
Let's not be mean also. Good idea.
Is this why so many victims of narcissistic abuse begin to wonder if they are actually the narcissist?
Sad Panda wow, good question! Exactly what I been think of myself.
Because I have had a lot of good relationships but I pissed them away for reasons selfish and unselfish. Maybe, I’m just confused!
Yes! Narcissists constantly project what they do and who they are-onto others. They cheat so they accuse you of it. They are ugly inside so they tell you you’re ugly, worthless, etc. You can decipher how they feel about themself by what they say about you and what they accuse you of.
Definitely! I started acting like them just to survive the relationship and felt terrible about myself so their criticisms felt true.
The fakes go on a slander campaign when the real deal shows up. They can claim to be the best cook ever, for instance. When a better cook shows up, they insult and start fights instead of humbling themselves and ask the better cook for some advice. Insanity!
People can pick up their behaviour and do the same to defend themselves
A narcissist will hurt your feelings and if you approach them about it two things will happen :
They laugh and tell you you are too sensitive.
They act wounded that you’re attacking them and you end up apologizing to them.
It’s completely insane.
They play sick psycho games bettet leave
My own was the second scenario. You can never win in confronting them just leave
My narc dad does this. He thinks he is perfect, superior and above the law. Horrible trifecta!
My mother is like this and I am just tired if trying and putting up her insults and cristisim. I'm drained emotionally. I guess what is most important to me is my own personal growth. Thank you.
attempting to please the unpleasable leaves more unrest for the already weary
Well stated. Dr. C
kookiecanuck Yup.
🎯❗️Now, that's a quote worth framing and hanging on the wall! ❤️
VERY beautiful stated! Thank you! 🙏🏽
As painful as narcs can make your life..look at in another way..they discard you because the jig is up and cant immediately use you anymore although they have left you with so much damage...you know what the goal is...vigilance...and healing with your mind forever overshadowed by the eerie smoke of gaslight and the threshing waves of cognitive dissonance
It's true & I am so very weary if it all
"You're not required to play along with their insults." Wow, that has never occurred to me. I feel like an idiot for not realizing this simple truth. Thank you.
They praise others while setting you up to fail. Then point out to the entourage how unhinged you are. Which you’re not in every other situation.
I get It.
That last line was so profound. You are not required to carry their damage on the inside of you. Yes! Yes! Yes!
I should of 'known ' sooner but hey, the light bulb has gone on now. I used to plan holidays or days out, and a week before, he would give me the silent treatment or say he's not going. Mothers day, birthdays, horrendous. I feel stupid that I put up with it. Many years I have suffered but there is still some years left for me, to enjoy life and I believe I can, due to your channels 👍🏻
Sounds like I lived your life. I would tell him I wanted to have my kids over for visits or holidays, knowing the hellstorm of silent treatment and endless nights of lectures that were to come as a result. And of course the several days of silent treatment that would inevitably come so that he could leave and do "whatever" he wanted. (Cheating was implied as a threat). When I finally did leave, he asked me why and I told him it was because I wasn't allowed to see my kids. His response was "Why didn't you just say so?" I no longer have any contact because he always had a way of making it my fault, no matter what. I didn't know they couldn't change until I started watching videos like these and reading other people's experiences.
You will find a good person that you deserve, yourself!
Please don't feel stupid. Maybe it would have turned out worse in your situation if you left sooner while your toddler children were sometimes in both your presence and their father's presence when out in public all innocent when bragging to strangers about how many mommies they have compared to other children all who didn't know their future faking only fiancees counting on helping him plan how to skip your turn for the holidays with them after being sold a pack of lies about you.
Dr C👏 Bravo, you are always right on time "You are not required to carry their damage inside of you"...BOOM!!! You are creating a much healthier human race and what a legacy that shall be. May you be blessed and Gus too!!
Yes, yes, yes. I am WORN out! It is an exhausting challenge to retain a relationship with my mother. She makes me feel unloved and like she holds me in contempt. If she wasn’t my mother, I would write her off and never have anything to do with her ever again. I am exhausted from trying to please someone who can never be pleased. Now she is hurting my daughters with her passive aggressive narcissism.
Mary B isn’t when someone hurts your children the time to take action? Why allow your daughters to be hurt?
freetobeme Kelly Well, my daughters are 23 and 26. They don’t live near my mother, thank goodness! But when she does interact with them on social media, she’s very passive aggressive, punishing them by ignoring their important posts (like making it into honor society, etc). She plays favorites with them, playing up to the one she thinks has the same beliefs as she does (spoiler: she doesn’t!). It’s just sick and twisted. She makes no effort to have a relationship with them, but sits back and expects them to reach out and call or text her. Luckily, they understand what she is...but it’s a challenge for them to maintain a relationship with her as well. And we all try to do so because since my father died, she’s all alone. We feel a bit responsible for her.
Mary B thank God they understand! It’s so hard when it’s close family that victimizes you! Same exact thing used to happen with my grandfather. We eventually all gave up. It was a sad decision, but he brought no joy or happiness or anything that balances out the abuse.
@@freetobemekelly8783 thats why I have been no contact with my narc mother for 8years now. That was the last straw for me. I love her she gave me life I've forgiven her. I just can't allow her to be in my life anymore my sanity depends on it. I don't keep my son from her they talk once a week and he doesn't know about our issues I would never burden him with her inappropriateness she's perfect 'nana' to him and hopefully it will stay that way.
To both women with narc mothers on this thread: i hear u. My nm is 92 and im late 50s with no contact for 13 yrs..
her narc ways are/were so very devastating to my soul...my stories would send shudders through you both...bottom line, even if its your own mother who gave u life: if shes an abusive malignant narc, no contact. Your life is at stake, seriously.
"Operate with an awakened mind". . Truly empowering words. Thank you!!!
Some of the things Dr Les says in these videos are so spot on as to be mind boggling. Or maybe it’s just that my narcissist is such a textbook example...
They all are textbook. It's astonishing
It's amazing to me also. Actually when I began my healing and learned to spot these behaviors (word for word, action for action), It helped me tremendously. Soon their nonsense and abuse began to lose it's power and they were so boring. So predictable. So sad and small. Damaged souls
Smiling at the narcissist and walking away seams to really get under their skin.
Dr. Carter, once again you’re spot on. My life makes more sense with every video that I watch. Thank you! 🙏
I need to tame my biggest criticizer.... myself!
Yes! Good will toward yourself, even (especially) in the midst of your humanity. Dr. C
Worst part was when I realized I was internalizing their criticism. And I was much better at torturing myself than they were. Sick.
Something I pull out when I can think of it, "Nope! We're not doing that." Tell that part of your brain to 'Shut up, shut up, Shut Up!...' until it does. :~)
@@steppenwolf3252 I did that, too, and I was horrified when I realized it. Now I don't think it's actually sick, sweetheart, I think it's a defense mechanism that was programmed into me early to try to avoid behaviors that drew negative attention. I don't need that defense mechanism any more, especially in adult relationships outside my family of origin. I am beating down the resulting life-wasting perfectionism, and learning to love my full humanity. I have high empathy, and I'm now using it to hold my own self in love, flaws and all.
We're only human, and we deserve inner peace as much as anyone. Good luck to you.
I need you in my life, Dr. C! You are making a difference! Thank you
He is the best thing that happened to us since apple pie:))
Ocean, You are too kind. (But I'll receive the good vibes!) Dr. C
I have been going through old pictures. My ex used to have horrible nicknames for me. Pillsbury Doughboy, Nanuck of the North, Thunder Thighs. Those were the nicer ones. I'm looking at these old pictures and I was skinny! He always made me feel so fat. He is now doing the same thing to one of our daughters. 😢 I have no contact with him for 25 years
Those insults tell you more about his character than about you. Now, if you could get your daughter to understand... Dr. C
I share these videos in the hopes that much daughter will somehow see them. She is married to a narcissist who has isolated her from her family and friends
So sorry to hear you have been hurt by his words.
That's so awful. I'm sorry you had to live through this-and give so much time to someone who wasted it.
Hold your head high precious one. Harmful remarks like that are a sin. Now you can live with peace in your soul. You're free.
From my own observance there seem to be two kind of critics. The one who feeds on intimidating and devaluing others to put themselves in a superior position (narc type), and the chronic negative thinkers who don't have one eye for the good and one eye for the bad, but only two eyes for what they don't like and therefore they are constantly pissed off by everything and everyone. The latter only feels ok as long there's something to complain about as an outlet for any underlying issue. They literally unlearned to agree or concur and are in constant combat mode.
Both types can be unarmed by not playing along and by staying confident and calm. Defending yourself or apologizing for making them feel unsatisfied only feeds their ego. Starve them and they will lose interest in making you the target.
Another great video, Dr. Carter. Thank you.
Always preachy and can’t believe you aren’t thinking the very same way they are about everything, I feel like I am in a lecture hall always when I try to have any conversation with him!
Amen
"These are damaged souls," he said. But so am I. I am still going to investigate about heredity. Can insanity be genetic? Okay, I know we are not on the subject of this but my mind wanders.
I have a Narc older sister who is very very dominating. She would not ever let me be myself while we were growing up. She dominated me and overpowered me and I was scared of her.
Approximately six years ago I came out of my shell with her and lashed back with so much force she did not know what hit her. She will never dominate me again.
Mental illness can run in families, yes. But it is usually things like depression. Not narcissism.
@@upstatenewyork No, what I was wondering is, can a person who is "insane" inherit that through genetics? Can insanity come from heredity?
OceanSound100 What’s your definition of insanity? There are a bunch of mental illnesses. Do you consider someone with depression insane? OCD? Bipolar disorder? Borderline personality disorder? You should define what you’re asking for.
@@susangrande8142 It is not about what I consider.
You remind me of "Stands With a Fist" in the great Kevin Costner movie, "Dances WIth Wolves"
As for me, I am glad I just stopped visiting my big sister, or even answering the phone if she calls. She would never understand why I don't think she's as great as she does, herself. One who lies to herself even more than she does to others. It's up to God to sort it all out.
How odd this popped today. I just called a friend about how to deal with the negative people at work. Thank you
Have a great DRC day, everyone! 😃
I like that! 😍
DRC =
Dignity
Respect
Civility
A great DRC day indeed! Dr. C
I am heading to the beach for some snorkeling. It is a wonderful Narc-Free day! 🏝🏝🏝🐠🐠🐠🏄♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️
I'm having a great DRC night, Kimberly. I see some hope after 50 years and I'm so grateful for that. Dr. Les may have saved my life (as long as I persevere, do my part, remember the goal--Team Healthy.)
Your videos have been so helpful to me after a lifetime of being entangled with these characters. Your measured and methodical explanations have been soothing to me as I recover from cPTSD and the emotional aftermath of prolonged exposure to toxic relationships. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you! People think my mother is an encourager because she's always encouraging people except for me and my dad when he was alive. Waitresses, nurses, anyone in a serving position gets heaps of praise for doing a good job. And then she literally turns around and looks at me with a look on her face as if to say "too bad YOU'RE not like them or you'd get praise too."
The public vs private persona don't match. Classic narcissism. Dr. C
One thing I've noticed with people is (for example) if someone growing up was constantly accused of being stupid by a verbal abuser, they often adopt the same tactic and constantly accuse others of being stupid. It's a form of self-defense and a sort of pre-emptive strike. They attack before they can be attacked. I think it's the same with a lot of hyper critical people- they've been abused with never-ending criticism as they were growing up and adopted the behavior as a self-defense and use it for pre-emptive strikes. They may not even be aware of why they're behaving that way much in the same way that someone who suffered tons of physical abuse as a child may grow up to be a physical abuser of his or her own children. It's a learned behavior and becomes automatic and isn't even questioned as, in their world, it's "normal." In other words, victimizers were often victims themselves and simply perpetuate the cycle- or succeed in alienating everyone around them.
the cultural pressure to "celebrate" "mother's day" gives me a migraine. 😢 💔
I have come to realize I've had a few female friends who have helped me as my birth mother never did. So, over my adult life I've had many mothers-I thank God for them, and have paid it forward to other women who have needed the same! It's a good thing!
Give yourself something that you want for mother's day--you raised yourself.
There is always a choice (not that I know your situation. Please forgive my assumption) However Dr. Les had a video about that too. The choices you can make re: contact with your abusers. Not easy. But the outcome is much better than losing your sweet soul to the dark side, right?....
Their inner mirror is broken, I used to have one such mean and nasty individuals in my life.
Any attempt to help see life in a more positive light was useless.
Finally, I decided this person was happier being miserable and finding fault with everything and everyone. What boggled me was the hypocrisy of thinking that we owed him thanks for 'bettering us' or 'pointing out our areas for improvement'
Life better after leaving my critic narc.
Mine too. He was stealing my joy
Divorced my NPD in 1994 and it's still the HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All your words ring true in my life. Thank you once again for your support.
I'm hanging in there. I am realizing that I have lost a husband that I never had. I was in love with a ghost. There is no such thing as a ghost. Now I am trying to figure out how to survive under the same roof....
I got angry and depressed over the criticism over the years. I obsessed about getting him to take responsibility for his part in our dysfunctional dance and somehow prove my worth to him. It still feels like an addiction.
You dont need to prove anything. Love yourself. Leave dont waste time with such people
Yes! My best friend who has had a really hard life but she has the strength to always lift people up. An amazing woman!
Thank you, it's hard when this damaged soul is your own child. I have so much guilt and shame, but I can not undo the past and I was not the only influence in his life. I am so tired.
Carole Sherer I am so sorry you have to endure that. My mother only goes out for coffee in order to attack the coffee maker and making a scene, very single time. It’s really tragic! I really wish the general public would speak up and tell people off more often that do this to others! I make a point of standing up for anyone working in service industry’s when it comes up, it makes my day to be another free customer that can tell those abusers straight up that they are terrible people, and tell them to pull their head in. They don’t expect it and are shocked. I am not afraid of it, in fact I know that’s the only way we can participate in righting the wrongs, and showing we care for each other. We are all the change we are waiting for. Be sure to reward those who stand up for you, get this party started !! 🙏🌸🌸🌸
Dr. Les, your words are like music to my ears. Thank you.
Dr. Wes, your videos are life support and so very timely. Thank you for talking straight up about some real issues! 💕
Thank you Dr Carter. Very helpful on my journey to rid myself from my narcissistic husband....
Dignity, respect, civility! 👍🏻 Dr. Carter!
I was married to a critic for thirty years. For decades I would do everything I could possibly think of to ‘get it right,’ but he would always manage to find a defect in me or in anything I had tried to accomplish. One day I worked all day trying to get the house sparkling clean and cook his favorite foods. As soon as he came in the house he saw an open cupboard door and barked, “don’t you ever close a cupboard door?” It suddenly dawned on me that every attempt to live up to his standards was futile. Every attempt to be what he apparently wanted me to be was wasted, because he disdained everything about me from my hairstyle, voice, gait, and personality to my hobbies and relatives. Sometimes I believe that such a person literally talks himself into not loving you by finding every possible excuse to reject your entire being. That makes it easier to deny you the good things in life and the kindnesses, provision, protection and considerations promised in the marriage vows. That makes it “okay” to refuse conversation, make constant demands and even at some point, commit adultery.
Goodness I wish someone had done that for me . It's costs nothing to appreciate folks and make a nice complement.
I hope you got rid of him.
Mike McTernan yes, the adultery and his telling me he hadn’t loved me in ten years kinda did it! I have had a lot of enjoyment since then decorating my own little home as I like and cooking a variety of foods he would have hated (which was most!)
Mike McTernan come to think of it, I have poured the same sort of devotion into the company I work for the last 17 years. They are very kind to me and God knows, it is wonderful to have a reciprocal relationship. It is a gift.
Good luck with your life. It sounds as if youve on moved Well done!
The truth is.. he doesn't really disdain everything about you. He disdains everything about himself and projects those feelings onto you, so that he cav avoid dealing with his warped self image
💕🌹😊🌹💕”These are damage souls and I’m not allowed to carry their damage (or danger) on to me”-Dr.C
Dr, Carter, I wish you had been my therapist when I was put in a mental hospital at the age of 15 back in the 80's when that was a trend. My mother was a narcissist and I began acting out emotionally as a teenager as a consequence. I was then forced to endure a world that condemned me as the broken one .I have since recovered from both the first trauma of having a narcissistic parent AND the trauma of going through the harmful world of "psychiatric" care as a teenager in the 80's. It's been a long road, and it is my strong sense of self, I believe, that has carried me all these years to recovery. Your insight resonates with me deeeply, and while I think I am doing pretty good, all things considered (and have since survived and got myself out of, a malignant narcissistic romantic relationship as well), it is stilll helpful and encouraging to hear your voice and your words in these videos. I am grateful for them in my daily life going forward. Thankyou, Never Broken, Robin
This advice at the end is a little easier said than done. Sometimes you are stuck with someone with this kind of personality and cannot get out very easily- a boss or coworker at a job that you cannot easily quit, a family member whom letting go would come at a very steep price, an important customer (eg, being a waiter at a restaurant or customer service dealing a harsh and demanding customer), etc... nonetheless, it is somewhat therapeutic to know that it’s not about you.
I totally understand what you mean.
But i can say from my own experience that there are people, who don‘t know this wisdom, and it makes a big difference for them to be aware of the fact „It‘s not me, it‘s the other, who is damaged and tries to load his damage off on me.“
And it does make a difference, even in a situation where i can’t escape them, because i blame them and not me. It‘s hard enough to be with them anyway, no need to burden myself with self-doubts. 😁
But i know what you mean. And you said it anyway that it feels therapeutic to know they‘re the damaged ones, not me. 😉
I just wanted to highlight, how important it is to gain back control over myself. That‘s the most basic step, and even this one is forgotten by many.
In my case this critic is my mother-in-law. I am starting my own business at the moment and have decided not to talk to her about it at all. She tends to ask seemingly harmless loaded questions that quickly spiral into put-downs and a pessimistic perspective on everything. I got tired of constantly being cross-examined and walked away.
I support you AND APPLAUD YOU! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 ✨🙌🏻 ✨
Congratulations on starting you own business, Emma!
💕🌹💕💐💕🌹💕
We all need love and support. It's NATURAL to want it.
MUCH LOVE AND SUCCESS, Angel! 😘
And Godspeed! 🙏🏽
Emma Kay failure is a thing that is acceptable to me I just want to try again instead of just giving the things that I could have done better up,remember that and try to do differently on the next try and not let the hater's win. You can do it, just don't give up.
I wish you lots of success with your new business!
My whole environment is kind of like that. And have chosen to filter what I share too. It's the only way I feel comfortable around them.
I suggest you make a list of 'safe subjects' you can talk about & keep steering the conversation to them. I had to severely limit what subjects I would talk about with my mother. I had to keep things to harmless subjects, things like tv programmes I had seen, a book about some historical thing I had read, the weather, the flowers that are out in the garden etc. We could sometimes have quite an enjoyable chat as long as I kept her to those subjects. If she started straying onto dodgy areas I would leap in with, "Did you see that brilliant programme about ancient Rome", or something like that & start describing it enthusiastically. Always have something ready, preferably related to one of their interests.
Thank you and yes that was encouraging and I’m glad you’re here to
Thank you Dr. Carter. I got sick of my role of 'scapegoat' ten years ago when I went NO contact with my family of origin. I am 48 years old and finally decided that I define who I am. These videos are very helpful and validating. Thanks again. Hello to Gus!
I've just finished reading 'When Pleasing you is killing me'. An excellent book I would totally recommend it to anyone struggling with people pleasing.
My sister tells me I am difficult, don't know what that means, I've always been too fearful to ask her. Thank you for your videos, I know now that it's not me that is the problem. I wish I knew all this before we had our fall out as I'm not sure that I can repair our relationship.
Personally I feel some relationships are better off left than trying to repair. Only you will know what is right for you. Living in fear of someone is truly no way to live though...blessings to you.
Ask. I was afraid to ask too. Narcs had no facts to back up their accusations. So they cut me off and changed addresses, emails & phone numbers. Accused me of playing Games AH HA! No evidence. Empty insults. Get back to me when you figure it out. Now why are you Narcs so critical without any evidence? Perhaps I can help you? Of course I already knew. Their problem? It's always the white wolf (not black sheep) of our dysfunctional family. Ooooooh (sound of Gus howling in a happy way). Well Gus loves me and you're jealous!
You must have a drone following me around... So unbelievably in tune with my current situation and so accurate... Thank You! Again!
Keep your eye on the sky! Dr. C
“They are damaged souls.”
As much as the narc has damaged me, I still have pain in my heart for how tormented their soul is.
Thank you again, Dr. Carter. Yet another wise and helpful video. "Anchor in our inner peace." Beautiful truth. God bless you, yours & Gus.
✨😌Thank You Dr. Carter 🙏🏽💖🌹✨
Thank you for your lessons, dr Carter. You are helping me a lot with your down to earth advice. It helps me getting detached. It helps me letting go of the idea it could have been any different. It helps me stop blaming myself. It helps me let go of the need to explain myself to him. It's pointless. You help me take control of my own feelings and future. It helps me let go of the dream. Big hug... Anne from the Netherlands, Europe.
Hey Anne (my mother's name). I just received that big Dutch hug! Thanks. Dr. C
Amen...
I do not respond or sometimes write prayers sent💕❤️🇺🇸.
No one can ride your back,unless you bend over. Never Argue, for they love that, like hogs in dirty mud.
It takes two to argue, and the intelligent person walks away, and will not say anything.
Great video, Dr. Carter! This is exactly the environment I grew up in and I became the family scapegoat/black sheep. It's been very very painful. Thank you so much for explaining why these individuals do this.
A long time ago I read the phrase* I rather be a hammer than a nail*. Doesn't that sound familiar? The internet enables us to find and learn. Dr. Carter was not available in the sixties but very expensive therapists were if you could afford them. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for helping all us nurturing, caring and forgiving people to open our eyes.!
I’ve learned sooo much from you in the past months! Thank you!! 155 days no contact today. FIN
Thanks, and good luck moving forward! Dr. C
The justifying and rationalizing doesn't matter a whit. The criticism will never end because the critic will always change the goalposts. You will constantly be deemed problematic, as Dr. C says. The lovebombing days were merely "when they didn't know you well enough yet", as mine says.
Number 4 = so genius and so true.
Infinite buckets of thanks again dr. C
Dr CDRC, Thanks for helping me to overcome the depression and inner-conflict of dealing with narcs. Every thing in life seems off kilter, until I can step back and realize what is going on!
Yes.
DAAAAD. He flat out said to me that I irritate him. Called me and my husband "you people", always disrespecting other people's views. Hard to maintain an awakened mind when it's your Dad and you need his positive regard and respect. :,( I love that closing statement, "not required to carry their damage inside you." Really appreciate your videos Dr. : )
It's the metacommunication that is happening, it's very confusing, it is amazing how they can blame you for something you had nothing to do with or any knowledge of. I was on vacation and was scapegoated for an act I was not even available to do because I wasn't even present. I am grey rock so it is better. Thank you for this video, they will bait you in order to get fuel or supply. They love chaos. Trying to get them to behave themselves is futile.
Yes, i remember my last trip with my former best friend.
Now that i‘m out of this, i can laugh about the absurdity of the criticism for things i haven’t done.
Back then, i was so naive that i thought i could explain myself in order to put things right. But she wasn’t interested in understanding me. I think she only wanted to win the argument (with no facts, just being more dominant and relentless).
This is history now. 😁
Thank You Dr Carter. Really appreciate your time in making these videos for us. So helpful.
I love your videos! Thank you for making these. I have learned so much. Thanks for helping the healing process for me.
I purchased your book and am excited to begin reading it!
I am 2 months free of my narc boyfriend. I still have times of missing him and crying. But, it is improving everyday.
And I hope it will continue to improve. Glad you're on board! Dr. C
I finally made my way over to your new channel. Thank you 🙏 for all your hard work and time you invest of helping us all live the best life possible.
My wife. 20 years , divorcing . I’m very depressed
Bob RobertB 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
It's very hard because it takes awhile to get them out of your head. Get some counseling, stay away! There is no reasoning with them. Good luck! I'm praying for you!
Bob RobertB Try to change that depression into an exciting for what your future will be, living as a person with free will and sense of peace.
@@marymary20 Great advice that works!
Just think how depressing it would be if you had to spend 20 more years with her. After just 20 years, you're probably still pretty young and have a bright future in store. Things will get better!
Thanks Doc. Looks like you’ve been taking good care of yourself 🙂
Great as always! I am so much calmer and have more internal peace since starting to watch your videos and read one of your books within the last year. A real sanity check (that I am really Ok) and inner strength, power, self confidence to deal with my narc. A lot less conflict between us now as my "awakened mind" can see some things differently and not be so disturbed by them.
My sense of self worth cannot come from that person. I have value with or without them...whether they see it or not.
Yes, an awakened mind!! Dr. C
Another outstanding video, Dr C ! 😀
You are a true blessing to others! (myself included)
I feel empowered by listening to your messages. 💪💪
Many Mahalos! 🌺
Kaua’i Kimberly 🤙🤙
What I appreciate is the fact that Dr Carter does not identify male or female in respect of the issues he addresses. I am greatful for the guidence.
I worked with a woman who was a CONSTANT critic. There were times I'd throw up before going to work. I finally left that job.
So very true at all levels, thanks
You are extremely accurate
He just told me: "You're lucky I even talk to you." I understand.
Really great Thank you!!! 😊
Dr. Carter: with that kind voice and demeanor you have solved the Riddle I was trying to figure out w one of my nursing school instructors: Yes! Narcissism is exactly right. So many of us fell prey to this person and I feel now I can liberate myself of the though that I was the bad one in that relationship. Too bad she keeps inflicting torture on all her students as of today. Thanks for providing so much enlightenment to our lives, your followers. 🙏🏼💕
My anxiety is so high right now. I just got in to it with my narc. My heart was racing so hard and watching this video helped me calm down. It helped me realize he’s not worth my health. I still feel a bit shaky but I’m calming down and taking control of my emotions. It’s amazing that these people can have such an affect on us. It tells me one thing. We are good people. It’s that simple. I couldn’t imagine treating someone horrible. It’s just not in my nature and I thank God it’s not
I'm hoping you can minimize this person's influence and get with people who truly know and appreciate what you bring. Dr. C
so true Dr. C ...no need to respond at all to insults. Dignity Respect Civility!!!
Thank you, Dr.Carter. I love your fatherly talks. You are so kind. 💐💕🌹😍
You are such a blessing. I laugh out loud at some of what you say and the manner in which you say it. You are quite comical I think without intending to be so.
Thanks, Dr. Carter! 💝 I love what you say in this video! My mother was the critic, and I never measured up to her standards. I unfortunately learned to criticize too. (My father was a narcissist also, so there was a delightful, healthy relationship to witness up close. Please note the sarcasm here. He didn’t pay much attention of any kind to me as I was growing up.) I’ve been unlearning the critic role for many years now, and have been learning to be the supportive, accepting, non-controlling, non-critical person I’d like to be. One of the big things I’ve learned lately is that most people don’t intend to hurt you by their behavior; they’re acting out of their woundedness. That helps me take it less personally, and be less of a reactor, as Dr. C talked about in a great video of his I watched yesterday. Great balm for my soul! 😄💝🙏
There's a huge difference between criticism and insult, behind each is a totally different intent. Criticism opens a door to a different perspective, initiates growth, is done with good intention and is welcomed. Insults are meant to bring another down, to hurt... done with bad intention, boundaries need to be drawn. I hear you using these two terms interchangeably, but I'd like to offer this distinction. 🌱
My mom, her brother and his daughter (all who I have regular exposure to) are all that way. (I'm 27 m music teacher living at home) thanks for your help. Feel more prepared to constructively deal with their criticism thanks to you 💙🤖💙🤖💙🤖💙🤖💙
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for this wonderful video. I'm going to share it with someone who really needs it right now. Your work is truly helpful!
Projecting their own insecurities on the hapless patsy is pure callousness. Can’t really get any more respect than from a brick wall.
Thank you so much for sharing!!👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻🌹
Thank you for your time Dr.C .... hey Gus 🐶✨😘
You can bet that this video means a lot to my life. Thank you, thank you! Wish I had heard it as a 5 year old. All my life I have experienced this kind of criticism from my 5 older siblings and my mother,husbands and later from people I thought were my friends. What I could not understand, was what I have done to them, to deserve this? Nothing I guess. But I had to think something - so I meant that they was envying me - for what I could not tell - for being who I am? I have had a hard life and being a diabetic all my life, was not something to envy. - but by listening to your videos and learning about narcissism gave me the light bulb. Thanks so much. The rest of my life, an area around me will be a narcissist-free zone!! Thanks again for always being on the victims side and for your kindness. Send my love to Gus.
You are an important mentor to me because you address painful issues with a calm voice. Sometimes the pain that I receive from being mistreated is a frustrated, screaming pain that I manage by myself. Your lessons are soothing to my burn.
Could you go deeper into this subject with a series on it? Many of us in the service industry are subjected to a ruthless amt of verbal brutality. I watch all your videos in search of understanding so that I may find my way in dealing with this abuse on the job with the general public. Thank you!
THANK YOU! That was so very helpful.
I felt truly sad for an older gentleman who is still a Chronic Critic.
I could not understand why. And kept asking the WHY? question trying to understand what was going on.
You have answered the why of the Chronic Critic (ChC) is this way and this explanation is very liberating.
I no longer have ties with this person, the emotional drain and hostile energy take-over were too much for me to bear.
What was left was a damaged relationship, much uproar, and rancor on both sides, a lot of moments lost to bitterness, and resentment.
The ChC does not see he is a problem to himself and others.
Thank you Dr Carter . It was my life till I completely disconnected . Freedom is not for everyone but fight for it it’s possible. Be strong and do what your heart is telling you 💕
Good arsenal of thoughts to keep in mind just prior to an interaction with one of "them." Makes me feel hopeful that yes, I can be exposed to them without ending up emotionally devastated.
When you know their game dont play it
Thanks for sharing Dr Carter! Your resources really help those who have encountered this kind of personality type, who create chaos in peoples lives. Your encouragement provides clarity and i sincerely ask you to keep posting new videos on your channel, to keep giving advice to victims of this abuse. I look forward to following your new channel ❤ i thank you AGAIN!
How did I miss this one?!? I’m a magnet for people who love to control & criticize - so done with it after decades of pain and frustration leading to anxiety and depression - thank you for the “prescription “ to not take or be around it any longer ......free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last....🐎🐎🐎😊
Dont allow and youll be fine
Thank you Dr. C.!!! I have been criticized my entire life and constantly made to feel low. I am so grateful to have found your channels, because the anger and anxiety that is sparking from it years later has me really not liking myself. I know that I have to e careful what I feed my mind and who I surround myself with to be the person I love to be.
🌟💜Happy DR.C Day!💜🌟
That i CAN CELEBRATE !
How kind! Dr. C
Excellent ! Thank you! It’s self sabotage what I’m allowing. And it’s painfully obvious what’s occurring here . I’m his supply . He lol use me up and once he’s done, create a bad divide. It’s always that way, it’s not ever going to be the great kind person
Dr. C always the straight shooter. I love it. Keep up the great work!!! Jo Jo
OMG !!!!! right on the dot !!!! I am in a crisis and it has beyond worn me down... I stay positive because I have too to keep my sanity and soon this will be the past ... I do not give in to his bull crap anymore ,... And he is more INSANE then ever , he cannot even lie correctly , he tells on himself ...
What an amazing and straight forward take on a problem that seems to be omnipresent in today's life. Especially in regards to authoritarian women and the simps who carry along their controlling tendencies.
I love you, Les, thank you for helping me.
You are my calm voice of reason once again Dr. C. My hero too. I wonder how many others get suckered in by their Narc's as I did. She is a weakness for me like Crack is to the addict who goes and buys another rock, but never gets it to last nor can ever get the high they were chasing again. And I feel almost like a Christian that backslides, I am here getting the gospel on Narcissism. Thank you so much.