The #1 Quality That Determines Relationship Influence
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 พ.ค. 2019
- What do people pick up about you that determines their reactions to you? It's not just one single behavior, but a host of ingredients wrapped into one. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how your "package" translates into a singular quality that establishes your level of influence with others.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
Dr. Carter's online workshops about narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can assist: betterhelp.com/drcarter
25 years ago I had the greatest boss of my whole career. Among many things, I remember him telling me in difficult times, not to give up because I was giving the tone, so to speak, to the department I was leading…...Well that was a revelation! From this point on, I have developed an awareness of my essence! So my point is: listen to the people that you trust and that are knowledgeable they may mention things about you that will help you become the best version of yourself!
Great thoughts! Dr. C
Sometimes it’s tiring to know all of your actions/behaviors are being “watched”,
I’ve kinda given up worrying too much about the minutia-somebody is always going to have a wrong perception of me..if I speak, if I don’t speak, if I’m awkward or smooth- say something dumb or smart...🤷♀️
I just try to do the best I can being me and let the chips fall where they may...
Lucky Gus- he doesn’t have to worry ‘bout nuthin’..😂😘😘
Thanks dr C😌
Hahaa!! That was good!
I so hear you! Indeed. After 60 years of living I still meet people that try their best to extinguish my inner self identity. I call it relational genocide cuz it sure kills my desire to have a relationship of any kind with them. I'm still here, so it is survivable.
Do very small things and it will fit together in awhile. Dr. C has very helpful advice and is not judgemental.
sbecktacular
- Agreed. That's all anyone can really do. Just do our best to be a good person and accept that no one is perfect and forgiveness of one another is very important. Some people though are just too toxic to be around and it's o.k. to accept this too.
I think you're right on here. I have learned from and appreciate Dr. C's insights, but it would be maddeningly exhausting to monitor yourself constantly. Anybody reasonably sensitive can pick up on another person's essence after nor much time.
"Im going someplace good " sounds better than "I'm struggling against falsehoods of perceptions".
Let's keep it real, we have been through so much frustration and pain that we become consumed by it. Labeling someone's essence is totally different than understanding someone's essence and you certainly can not " know" a person's essence without understanding them.
It is very hard to say " i am in woundedness but I am not wounded" or I am in pain but i am not pain.
Being " labeled" is one thing but someone misunderstanding your " motivations" caused by trauma having been manipulated on you ie : being a worrier, skeptical, defensive is different than the motivations one knowingly has who has manipulated without empathy or a concern for the truth.
A narc seeming to worry or being skeptical or defensive COME FROM A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLACE, to cunningly manipulate.
So a real hell on earth place begins to appear when you are associated with the malignant narc as being just as screwed up as them! So thats what this video is trying to address and shed light on.
As i heard it put recently, its not just getting toxic ppl out of your life/ cleaning the wound, its also about applying ointment which is going to be new relationships which validate who you are.
Unfortunately we can try to be perfect and appear perfect and respond perfect but if someone needs you to stay in that little box they wrongly labeled , you can drive yourself insane trying to control perceptions and expectations.
Yes, we have been injured by others and it has caused damage, damage real damage, but to not become bitter or self destruct is the goal.
I can not wait to be further down the road in healing, i need to remind myself to want The Healer more than the healing .
.
Well said. Dr. C
Patricia Clark - " its not just getting toxic ppl out of your life/ cleaning the wound, its also about applying ointment which is going to be new relationships which validate who you are. ". This is very well put. For some of us however, we get to a point where we have disconnected to such a degree, we no longer want to form new relationships. There is no ointment for that unfortunately.
Ooh luv....there are many on your path....many still trapped too. It's a bizzare life alright. Damaged people often repeat damage they suffered and snarl it into the psych of others. But there are people like you and me and many of us who fully know and feel and live all you have described so well up there. So if we were all belonging to different trees you are a leaf on the tree that i am a leaf on. Thank you for expressing my feelings through how you feel. But I wish us leaves on this tree could feel a whole lot better.. Good job we listen to this nice calm man ..take care xxx
Thank you for for your calm calm and pleasant voice as you lead us in a good direction.
Ain't he awesome? And Gus!
You are simply awesome, Dr. C...
"I'm going someplace good, and I hope that you enjoy me in that effort." What a great thing to project.
My life: sometimes scary, but sometimes-"come on in, the water's fine!"
I really like your ability to analyze bad behavior, because it helps me keep mine in check and understand boundaries. But videos like this really inspire me to be my *best* self. I would love more of your analysis on how to create more positive, more fulfilling relationships. I want to build in that positive direction, rather than just always playing *defense* and I think your loving example is really someone who can help with that.
Gus is such a good boy. No matter how hard one of my dogs seems to be sleeping if I say their name they immediately lift their head. lol
Never argue with a fool, or two fools are arguing..
If evil demons are not paying your bills, who gives a f..k what they think.
Mrs. Lemon, my 9th grade Spanish teacher, who said we would be ambassadors in our travel, so represent our country and ourselves in moral way. She told us to ask permission before speaking a foreign language in front of people, who do not understand our conversation, and try to translate.
She was my 1957 Spanish teacher at DuSable High in Chicago.
Yes that's right...and I can see he's just asking you not just to be who you are but make it clearer to there of you need to. Only if you need to...like the grumpy faced man who is actually a loving guy and was offended he wasn't seen that way...doo emphasis in his grumpy face causing missreadingbof him
Ha ha Dr. C. I love your "authoritarian" voice. I see that Gus over there in the background really takes it seriously! :D Seriously though, thank you for making this vid. I am in the process of learning to build healthy relationships and this vid couldn't have come at a better time.
Hello, I am also trying to build healthy relationships after being with narcissists almost all my life. I find it interesting that narcissists can project a false essence to the world and they are really good at it. There is this man at church who is kind, friendly, generous, loving, and helpful. He has a soothing voice like Dr. Carter. Nobody has ever seen him angry or impatient. When someone wants to borrow his truck, he gives them his keys without hesitation. When a person or family needs a place to stay because they are in financial or other difficulties, he lets them stay in one of his houses for free as long as they need to. He organized help for families in Puerto Rico when it was struck by several hurricanes. This man seems to be a model citizen and a super Christian. Everybody I know speaks highly of him; and yet I know that he is a controlling, calculating, egocentric, and immature narcissist, who is currently punishing me with silent treatment because he thinks he is entitled to something that belongs to me. So how can this man's actions be so totally and completely different from what is going on inside of him? He is projecting a false essence to others. How is this possible?
What I pick up about sweet Gus is authenticity, plenty of love, and contentment.
I find dr les very NICE
Your essence is good and decent and respectful, and you make a tremendous difference in the world. Thank you for your gifts of comfort and wisdom to us.
Thanks, Stella. I always appreciate hearing from you. Dr. C
I love this new channel. Super helpful.
This is so true!!!! I have thought for some time now that we convey more non-verbal communication than verbal. My son in law asserted that we should just believe what people say. I responded by saying I don't believe words unless they are backed up by attitudes and actions. So many people today believe words and get fooled because we can say anything we want, that doesn't mean we are speaking truth. We can see attitudes in the way a person walks, of course not perfectly but there can be important clues.
Good points. I think there's a balance between making an effort to be kind to people, and worrying too much about other people's perceptions (especially of things that aren't your words or actions). Otherwise a person can get too nervous about their looks, clothes, tone of voice, facial expressions, and it can paralyze them.
The qualities l try to portray are those which l value most in others, taught in the main by my lovely Mother. Dignity, respect, kindness, thoughtfullness, a friendly welcoming attitude, understanding and empathy, patience, calmness, caring, the ability to imagine oneself in the other person's shoes. Most of all, where family and friends are concerned, LOVE and ACCEPTANCE ,something everyone needs, especially children, who lacking that in childhood will often struggle throughout their lives to feel worthy, or valued and can lack self esteem and confidence. I have witnessed this many times throughout my life. I sincerely hope others will take Dr. Carter's advice and try to include the nice traits within their essence, it is so worthwhile, and necessary for the health, happiness and well-being of everyone.
My mother always told my sister and I were dirt and on and on. Later I looked in my high school year book and all the nice comments. Told my sis, I’m not a piece of crud after all. Amazing what hurtful things come out of someone you love and look up to. My mom loved us but didn’t like us.
Thank you Dr Carter, your essence shines! :)
The Gus and Les Show.....he's Teller to your Penn.
Self aware, goodness, dignity, protective
Must watch if you have any traits of narcissism like me.
Very helpful advice. Thank you very much
How that teacher made me feel. How others made me feel or how i felt around them.
I was most aware of "essence" (of others from my past)when attending my 30 year highschool reunion,which was the first one i ever went to. I even anticipated some feelings as I helped plan this reunion. I was reawakened to many feelings and impressions of others id not seen in so many years,and their responses to seeing me.
Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter. I am truly grateful and blessed to watch and learn from you. You helped me and other people in this planet in many good ways. Gus is so endearing at the back.
Thanks Dr. Carter our essence is everything in our lives...
Charm is a substitute for authenticity.
This is a really hot topic for me as I am working out Other's essence.
@@TawnaTV Do you want to tell? I can be a good listener.
@@carefulcarpenter Thank you :). I come from a narcissistic family and was the scapegoat. Now, at 54 I am realizing how many, OK, All of my realationships have been with narcissistic charmers, both overert and covert types. I am trying to work on recognizing the false from the authentic.
@@TawnaTV 😁 So am I. I've been cheated almost every year by at least one customer who has not paid me all they owed me. I've spent a lot of effort learning to identify them upfront. Dr. Carter has provided wonderful support by doing his videos.
But a little technique in the prep can make a difference in the bake.
You always get to the bones of things so well, things we don't always think of. Thanks and, "Hi Gus in the back there!"
Edit: "...no such thing as no communication." Great point. Great realization!
I remember loving how laid back comfortable dressing some of my teachers were. That's how I dress today very comfortable yet still cute😚 It reflects who I am. Confident in what I bring to world for love and peace. I teach as well.
A great teacher will almost always remember to mention your good qualities first...your attitude, your effort, & your ability to improve - then kindly guiding the things to work on in order to improve- That being said- if we never tell each other the good things we see in each other, and only point out the suggested flaws....it can be an emotional knock down of our self-esteem - or...the statement that is used for example..." i never hear you say you love me" but YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU- why do i need to say it?? Ugghh..frustrating how people can speak or not speak a person into their sense of self!!!
Empathetic, interested, good voice, nice, honest
Hi , good time
I follow lecture series about Narcissism and Narcissistic relationship presented by Dr Les Carter . Human mind is incredibly complex . People around the world are living in different societies and with different values but unhealthy traits are similar inspite of diversities . I found Dr Les Carter lectures extremely useful and compatible with healthy mind and normal psychic structure . Thank you so much Dr Les Carter
This was a very informative video. I couldn't help but notice how peacefully your dog is sleeping in the chair. So very sweet.
Yeah, I have a high school teacher that made a difference to me, and yes, I can only think of one thing he said to me. Funny how that works.
Dr.C..I've made amazing strides and had life changing events happen. I can still have "days"..and my adult granddaughter said.." remember those of us, who love you"...wow..yes!..🤗
I have become very guarded with certain people because of the lack of trust and unhealthy experiences with them, but am open and engaged with others.
I love your new channel, even though I’m healthy and healed, I have to continue to watch your videos because I have discovered I have a high desire to help others I fall prey to unhealthy people and you help me with RED FLAGS 🚩 I go with my gut instinct now. Thank you 😊 thank you 🙏 God bless you always.
Dignity, Respect, Courtesy
Awww. I didn't notice the cute sleeping puppy until the end. Gus is so adorable.
I absolutely love you and your essence Dr. C! Gus' too :) Thank you for making me think of Mr Marshall, and actually I do remember what he said to me. He was one of my high school English teachers. He gave us an assignment to write a poem. The first one I ever wrote. He asked me to stay after class because he wanted to talk to me about mine. He wanted to know if what I had written about had happened to me, and if it did was I OK. He also thought it was well written and encouraged me to write more. He cared and gave encouragement. He was very kind. His essence was (he has since passed away) much like yours. So is mine. Thanks for what you're doing on this channel Dr. C., it is awesome! Can you give Gus a pet for me and tell him I appreciate his essence too please. :)
Will do, and Gus thanks you! Dr. C
That was nice! I wrote a poem in 7th grade, but I was absent on the day we had to read them in front of the class. When I returned to class, a student told me that the teacher herself read my poem to the class and when she finished reading it she said "she probably copied it from a book" it hurt me terribly. I was a shy girl at the time but took the courage to go straight to her at her desk and tell her "I stayed up all night writing that poem!!" She heard the anger in my voice and said "sit down" It is sad when heartache can still be felt even when we are adults.
So nice you had a great teacher! I did have one nice teacher I will not forget too.
Dr. C, I've listened to many of your videos, always walking away feeling uplifted, understood and with useful tools to help me cope, recover and move forward. Thank you for sharing with us your invaluable knowledge. I'm sure you have an idea by now of how many thousands of us you have helped.
I often imagine how wonderful life would be to, for once, have a partner who has a loving, nurturing, sincere and positive essence such as yours.
Dear Dr Carter,
Thanks for being a part of my journey ❤
I had a high school teacher who taught Psychology 1 & 2, who I remember with great influence, admiration & respect. He had a gift of presenting information that was educational, engaging & his classes were so interesting you didn't want the time to end. To this very day over time, I remember him in the same way. An inspirational man with a great impact on my life.
I’m so grateful for you Dr. C you genuinely help me. I appreciate it so much. Many blessings to you and your family. 🙏💙✝️✌️
With a master like you, Gus proves the effectiveness your treatment has on him.
He's a lucky and Blessed. doggie!
I'm the lucky one to have Gus. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter 😊 Humble as well!
"You say it best, When You Say Nothing at All." AllisonKrauss
This was very informative. Looking back to the education courses and communication courses I had to take for my biology degree; the concept that everything is communicated in every style shape or form was missed. I must have overslept that semester. The idea that communication is everything, it's a true concept. On campuses today, too much time is wasted on political correctness, that we forget the difference essences that people bring. I understood animal behavior and communication on a cellular or hormonal levels in species, but with some people verbally, I clearly missed the boat. Maybe that's why I find dogs easier to deal with.
I'm going to work on self awareness and my mood. It was a eye opening video.
How self aware am I?
Do I desire to make a difference, positively?
Am I intentional when I engage with people?
Am I willing to receive feedback by the way I come across?
Mrs.Thomas, 2nd and 3rd grades...Remember there is no such word as can't, and stand by your beliefs....don't be intimidated into going against what you believe is right. P.S.....I see sweet Gus on his chair...pats from me.thank you Dr. Carter.
Keep up the great work Dr. Carter. Your videos make a lot of sense.
Gus just puts the cherry on top! Hehe 😁
Dr. Carter: Somehow by pure grace, your channel came into my life a few weeks ago. I am not at all religious, however I do ask for guidance from the great "Oneness" as I call it. I have subscribed and watch many videos every single day. You have been, and continue to be, a very major influence healing my wounds. I want to thank you from the bottom of my empathic heart.
He’s back.!! Gus is so calm, he could spot a narcissist a mile off. He’s so zen 🧘♂️
Gus is Zen. Dr. C
Another great video, Dr. C..& love seeing Gus in the background. Thx 4 this one! Hugggs ☺☺✌✌💗💗
Thank you so much. Gus is a wonderful addition! Hope you can have Gus in more vidéos 😊
Yes there is no such thing as no communication. That is why we can foresee people's actions even when their current behaviour may, at a macroscopic level, appear non-consonant with one's suspicions.
Dr. Les Carter: (Saying a lot of wise things about attitude, mood, tone of voice, lifestyle, physical appearance, approach toward relationships etc...)
What mailill hears: "Stop being so sloppy!"
Great talk. Thank you Dr. C. And Gus does look pretty chilled. 😊
Another excellent video! Thanks so much, Dr. C. The best ever "essence" is always created from an honest appraisal of yourself and your values! Know thyself...and always be true to yourself...live "consciously" aware of your actions and the potential impact on others. That's a basic for civil, courteous, polite behavior and these skills make life and society so much sweeter and kinder!
It's hard to coach proper essence! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Yes....I agree. I think it must be taught early in our lives..by parents, grandparents...and has so much to do with resilience and not entitlement. God Bless and Happy Memorial Day to you and yours, and darling Gus!
Your teachings are so very helpful and real and honest. Thank you for your commitment to helping others!
Such good content. You're a great blessing. Thank you. Also, I loved seeing Gus back there.
With truth comes honesty and with honesty comes trust. Dont change who you are to fit in . Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be who you are x
"There's no such thing as no communication." Even when we are being passive and "trying to stay out of it..." we are communicating something. At family gatherings when someone goes and sits in another room to get away from political or religious talk rather than staying in the room listening, asking questions or participating in a polite way is a sign that that person is actually angry or thinking all who are debating are "stupid" or "below them" or simply "disturbing their peace." It is so difficult in life to learn how to be authentic and not go into the mode of trying avoid conflict by either creating false conflict to appear the "stronger/smarter one" or by withdrawing into a "protective" shell. Your videos have been super helpful these last few days around the holidays, thanks.
True, there is no such thing as No Communication!
Loving Gus in the background. I didn’t think you could make your videos more soothing but w Gus you defeated my theory. Thanks for another amazing message. 🙏🏼
I'm glad you asked. I have been in recovery for decades and just now am experiencing the healing of my crushed heart and the reveal of my true godly self. What joy. And relief. I always knew there was something wrong. Through you and so many others I am getting free of the narcissists in my life -- Mom, though long dead, and brother very much alive. And the circus. So my essence was still negative until only recently. I know because I could feel it deep down in my heart. Fear, insecurity, doubt. I was hurt, could not trust. Afraid. Etc. And of course this spilled over into almost every conversation I tried to have. Today, I can have the self-confidence I was meant to have. I have had soooo many teachers!! The inimitable Bill W said Pass it on!! Yes.
Thanks for these good comments. Glad to be part of your recovery. If you have not become aware of the writings of the Fransiscan monk, Richard Rorh, check out his book, Falling Upward. Dr. C
Love your wisdom!! It always causes me to stop, think and evaluate my behavior. Gus is pretty awesome too. 😁
we become who we practice being
Les, you are always worth listening to!
Really good content!! Thank you for this video; priceless lessons. ...precious Gus; loyal friend.
My fifth grade teacher and she asked, "did you get the answers from the back of the book?" And my response was, "THERE ARE ANSWERS IN THE BACK?!" LOL
Ok, so you're one who DOES remember the exact words of your teacher. I guess that blows my opening illustration. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter not at all. Your opening just pushed my mind to think. =)
Keep this coming doc! You've helped me a lot.
Exactly what I needed to hear this morning.
Thanks for another awesome video!
I think I need a "Gus" for a therapy pet! We have not had a new dog since our last one passed. I enjoy seeing Gus.
Luhv ya lots Dr! This was a very nice fresh reminder!
You are truly helping So many people in your videos. This video helped me. Thank you!
Another great video with a lot of great helpful tools...thank you...💜💜
Thankyou, you have made a positive change in my life, Dr Carter. You will leave this world a better place. Xx
I found your videos a couple days ago and I have to say how helpful they have been. You address insecurities people have, how their actions may not necessarily mean they're bad people, you speak in a calm manner that makes me feel safe and that I'm not crazy for having anxious thoughts or having an avoidant partner. I followed your advice on the video about having an avoidant partner which helped more than taking relaxing supplements that just mask the real issue. We all crave intimacy, but we express our fears and stress in different ways such as reaching out to others to soothe us or withdrawing to soothe ourselves. Thank you very much Dr. Carter, you're doing a great service to others in sharing these videos.
Thanks, Mantis. Glad you're on board with us! Dr. C
Great video... thank you!!!
Great to see Gus chillin out!
All your videos are so helpful. I listen to all your videos and try to relent to hit like on all of them but I don’t remember every time but please know that every video you produce is well received and impacting to all of us. Thank you for the time you put into each video!
Love all your vids, very helpful. Gus rocks!
GUS IS MY ROLE MODEL. (Thank you for your videos, Dr. Les.)
So, Gus gets top billing. He's going to hold out for more treats now. Dr. C
Totally agree! Thank you. Appreciate your videos
Thank you for the good information, I really appreciate it, and Gus makes me smile.
So helpful information ,as usual. You have no idea how helpful your video are .Thank you so much. You are such a source of inspiration!
Great and important video, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
When I watch these videos, Dr. Carter, as it gets past your opening title page, I look forward to seeing if GUS is sitting in that chair behind you. What a good dog! He makes me smile! My favorite teacher was my cello teacher, and over the years I recall behind me in orchestra (60 years ago) the bass player asked him how I would do in the solo contest that was coming up. His reply I never forgot. As I heard my name, I turned around in my seat as first cellist to hear the reply which was, "Oh, she'll do OK if she doesn't get overly confident." LOL! He said it loud enough for me to hear, on purpose. I'm laughing because I never forgot that, because I was born with a LOT of confidence. LOL! I don't know why, except that SINCE THEN I have learned that lasting confidence comes from knowing what is TRUE. Those that don't like truth might not like you and they sometimes won't even know why. But truth imparts a confidence that doesn't need validating. It just IS, without apology or needing pride.
Thank you Dr C. What a great piece on self awareness. A real thought provoker and an excellent topic we all need to consider. Keep up the amazing work.
Great video, Dr. Carter. I gathered a some things I need to work on from this video. Thank you! 🙏
Your voice is extremely calming and guiding.
You help me see my weaknesses and how to overcome them. I appreciate your videos so much.
So pleased! Dr. C
Love the new opening dr!
thank YOU dr Carter! you help so much , and Gus too. your videos are V V V V helpful 🙌
Thanks! Dr. C
Thank you kindly for your help on educating me on these thought provoking thoughts/facts. Affirmative on my thinking 👍
Thanks Dr. Carter. I'm working on being my authentic self, so this is helpful. Hugs for Gus!
Another gem I can put in my bag pack. Thanks Les!
Thank you Dr. Carter !!!
God's blessings to you and your family ✝️😷❤️
Thanks of being irreplacable part in my journey, Dr. C.
So pleased! Dr. C
Thank you Dr Les again.I love the way you give the right importance and clarity to these fundamental relationships of acknowledging our true inside essence and bringing it to light and the way for others to practice in their lives. This is a beautiful and learned gift you give freely of yourself to us- honestly-and I believe enables the true spiritual nature of our Being to shine forth! Gus is obviously saturated with your love and thinks a holiday is in order!
Thank you, great thinking.
Thank you Dr Carter. Your videos are very informative. I can always take away something that I can use or I can think about to improve my life.
You have helped me sooo much. I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever. Thank you.
Thanks doctor, I am really thankful to you for your kind lessons, trying to learn to be a better person!