A People Pleaser's Guide of Do's and Don'ts
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- You like being known as pleasant, helpful person, but sometimes this good trait works against you. Pleasers often find themselves taken advantage of. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter helps you find your place of balance by holding onto the good aspects of your pleasing pattern, while eliminating the behaviors that bring unnecessary harm.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby...
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While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can assist you:
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Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com...
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I like how you explain things without jargon, without buzzwords, and in plain language.
Sometimes when you grow up with a narcissist parent, you think their behavior is the norm. I've people pleased my entire life because of the constant control of narcissism. Sometimes you "need permission" and someone to tell you what the norm really is. Dr. Carter you have no idea how much you have helped me. I'm learning, growing and knowing its ok just to be me, knowing I am enough. Dr. Carter you have become a blessing in my life. You have changed my entire life. (Thank you)
@@SSmith-rv5pe THAT is one of the reasons you never hear the words *Please* and *Thank YOU!* from these narc parents or any of the narc family and their friends. OR any narc we got involved within our own lives. We were not *separate* people!!! We were not even human to them! We are human now! We are warriors! Best to YOU! BEST!
What a precious person you are. My heart breaks for you for the way you were treated. I am so glad you found this channel as am I.
So much peace knowing I am ok
I hope you are doing better. Dr. Carter's videos give such insight and understanding to our experienced emotional abuse and insight on how we can treat others with love and respect. I pray that you will gain the peace that passes all understanding that only God can give. Love Mitzie
“Asking permission” is HUGE
Something I am learning is to not chase people. If they dont want to be on the team, so to speak, let them go. Sometimes I think people like you to chase them because it gives them a sense of power. Family, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, clients, etc. I have felt the need to chase to keep them involved, help them on their path or other reasons. That leads to insanity and disappointment. I am trying very hard to not chase anyone who seems not interested. Takes 2 to tango type of mentality.
People pleasing is most definitely a big risk factor in being targeted by narcissists. We need to focus inward instead of outward sometimes.
Yes...it's a BIG risk factor. We also tend to try to "fix" people who are broken...by loving them out of their troubles/dysfunction. This doesn't work(in my experience!)
People pleasers appear to thrive on the term ..WE...assuming to speak for others who prefer as individuals to speak for themselves.
Les, can you clarify for us? Does this work w/a Narc? I cant see it does, & am thinking this is to apply guidelines for people pleaser in any “normal” rel. right?
Thank you so much, Dr Carter. You are kind, helpful and informative. I am learning what happened to me in the 32-year marriage to a narcissist was not my fault. Everything makes sense now. Your videos are priceless.
Sure wish I had heard this one 50 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain. This is one of your best Dr. Carter. Thank you.
Excellent! As a people pleaser who married and then 20 years later divorced a narcissist, I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Carter’s book, “When Pleasing You is Killing Me.” It will give you many healthy, truthful insights that can lead to emotional healing.
Cynthia Spell Hi I stayed too long (35 years) as well. People pleasing bit me in the ass finally
All the best to you
His books are excellent
Hi Cynthia, I had not known about the divorce, but I know you're strong. So encouraged by your life and encouragement! Les
Will get his book, thanks for the suggestion and review.
Thank you Dr. Carter. You have helped me so much!
I wish these basic fundamental ideas were taught more in school these days. If you didn’t grow up in a loving/supportive home where do young children begin to develop these codes for life? Emotional well being should be taught in every elementary school.
As always, thank you Dr. Carter!
I completely agree! This should be a compulsory part of every curriculum. It will help more people become better informed, mentally healthy adults. I would have given anything for a class like that growing up!
@@PurplePinkRed Emotional well being along with this video information is taught at home, gov't cannot be trusted teaching proper behavior
What a great friend you are Dr. Carter. Thank you so much ❤️
Thanks for such a nice compliment. Dr. C
It took me 60 years to understand this! Thanks
Me too! I'm not ashamed. It just shows that I continue to grow at 66 years young.
Never to late to improve your life!
@@lifeisgood7740 👍Agree💯Awesome!😊👍👏👏👏
Lessons learned don't come cheap. Still learning at 55 years old! I'm STILL a people pleaser to the point of being homeless! I've spent every cent I had trying to "help" and please people. Wild how I am not able to do for myself even after being too broke to even have my own space I'm still saving money just to hand to others to make THEIR life easier. Guess that'll be me till I take my last breath.
Even now in my 70s, I feel sad and ashamed of how I caved in to my mother's domination in my life. Me, and a LOT of other people! Your words on entitlement spoke to me; that was my mother all the way. She was a powerful highly placed member of a generational cult-like group (with some mob connections) located in the greatly feared Internal Security division of the old Communist Party (CPUSA 1921-1989). My mother loved Joseph Stalin for the same reasons most other people hated him. She believed "Fear is the greatest motivator." She could pick up the phone and ruin someone's life, or have them killed...and sometimes she did. In her social world people literally trembled when she walked into a room. Oh, and by the way, she had a sterling reputation in her career as a nursery school director, child care expert, and she gave parenting seminars in gentle child rearing!
15 years after her death I am still, at times, afraid of her. My biggest defense as a child and sometimes as an adult,was fantasy (escaping in my mind from her cruelty) and developing a strong sense of humor. (I often refer to her as "the Wicked Witch of West Hollywood.")
Thank you for your videos. They are plain spoken and very helpful. Your videos are a terrific antidote to the grim critical Stalinist Freudian psychotherapist I was forced to see for years as a child who encouraged my mother to hit me more often and called me a brat. I am grateful for your help. Self-esteem is still an issue for me at times, in spite of my 25 year successful career as a juvenile detention teacher and teacher at the state mental hospital. You help me feel saner and stronger and less like the dominated terrified child I once was and still am on my bad days. Thank you for helping me have more good days.
Wow, what a story Laurie J. You are so lucky to have come out of that horror. Dr. Les Carter is so intuitive. My husband of 32 years has BPD, and I think, I lot of narcissism. I am in therapy now and have contacted a lawyer. I am going to end the marriage and I'm scared to death. He's so pitiful and I feel sorry for him; however, it time to stop walking on eggshells. Peace to you...
Good for you Nancy!! I struggled with pity for my ex husband. But I learned my life has value too. He has free will, as do I. My job is to nurture myself, not him.
Peace be with you, Laurie J. May you know your unconditional worth and have kind people in your life.
I too, experienced fear of my mother even after her death, but am comforted and reassured, believing that she can't come back and that the God of the Bible says that He will deal justly with all people, ultimately, and that He loves and cares for us and is close to the broken-hearted.
@@wendyelliott6828 wow, I felt sorry for my ex too, when I left him 17 years ago! Because of that I gave him money and furniture that I shouldn't have given him. He didn't deserve any kindness from me, he was cheating & deceitful
The problem with that last statement, "I like pleasing but I also need to be respected," is that a narcissistic person will insist they're being respectful as they're criticizing, manipulating, and controlling. They simply don't understand how you could possibly experience their behavior in a negative way, because in *their* minds and experience, their behavior is not problematic for them and so shouldn't be for you, either.
Correct
Yep.
I have so much to say there’s not enough time or space ..😂🤣😂🤣 Dr Carter ... You are absolutely correct on all points ... Hard lessons to learn but I did get there ... Thank you for all that you do .. love your videos
Sir, your videos are just on point every time. I LOVE how you are able to make these beautiful little checklists which are clear and simple to understand. Wish I had got this stuff clear in my head many years ago- would have long since saved myself from a psychologically abusive relationship. Thanks Dr C. Your work is so helpful and healing.
Just purchased your book "When Pleasing You is Killing Me." I love this summary version of it! Thank you!
I don't think I'm a people pleaser but I do believe in doing a job and being reliable in my career. However, I have been taken advantage of for being reliable and its seems the unreliable ones get promoted. The majority of the time the people in charge should not be in charge so it makes it tough in the workforce.
Jazzmine Jackson you nailed it! The wrong people are in charge a lot of the time. Many are narcissist's who enjoy triangulating people and like to play head games. It makes the workplace a harsh environment and I can't wait to retire 😔
Ruth Young I can’t wait to retire as well!
Jazzmine Jackson, I had a manager who liked to pit employees against each other, but he could be easily manipulated, too. He hired and promoted all the wrong people, (The ones who told him what he wanted to hear) and drove the company to near collapse!
That's The Dilbert Principle which is an upgrade on the Peter Principle. The Peter Principle says that people get promoted until they can't do the job any more and that's where they stay. The Dilbert Principle says that the most incompetent are put where they can do the least damage, management. It doesn't always work that way but a surprising amount of the time it does.
Starts in childhood
Now it All makes better sense. I knew in my heart that Life could NOT be this horrible 💔😭😢 and bad luck could not consume a 50 year Life Time. It's the dysfunctional people surrounding my life. I'm going to practice being aware of how I let people treat me. Fair is fair. I was drilled that I always had to be the better person, now I'm going to kick some ass Dr C. Just kidding 😁😁
But I will hold people accountable for how they treat me and I will never make dumbass excuses for Not being treated with the same respect 💯
Dr C. You changed my bad luck 😎😊
Reciprocity. Not easy in a culture of narcissism. Worth the personal effort towards spiritual growth, though.
"You can't change people."
~~ Narcissist.
Oh crap, from reading the comments, it seems like there’s a correlation between having maladaptive people-pleasing traits and having a narcissist in your life. My dad is a narcissist who used (and still uses) emotional manipulation to get what he wants. He would make unreasonable authoritarian demands, then play the victim to try to guilt trip people into doing what he wanted. I’m so disgusted by those tactics that I’ve probably swung the pendulum too far to the other side in order to avoid behaving like him. I’ll neglect my own needs and avoid asking people to do things for me because I’m worried that I’ll become a burden. I’ll avoid letting people know when I’ve been wronged because I don’t want anyone to feel guilt or pity because of me.
I've been through that too.
I’m balanced...I’m in the middle... if I feel it is good or right to be caring & sharing I do but I don’t waste my time on toxic people. I’m a peacemaker but I’m learning not to engage with narcs. If it’s a narc I ignore & keep a distance from the negative confrontation. 😇🥳🥳
Do you even know a narcissist? You have to go along with them or you’ll be beat! If you live with them and stand up for yourself, or disagree you will suffer. Self-care means RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE! Yes, if you are not dealing with a malignant narcissist this would work. A NARCISSIST doesn’t care about you. What don’t you understand?!
Thank you for another great video Dr. Carter. Your common sense approach for me just reminds me what a normal relationship should be like. And for a codependent, that’s a big help! In my experience with a narcissist, trying to appeal to their “good nature” with things like, “I like pleasing, cooperating and helping and I would like to have the same from you.” is exactly what that narcissist will say you are not doing when they smear you behind your back,. Or they may repeat it back to you, gaslighting, projecting and possibly throwing in some word salad during the next argument. Talking to them like they are normal people only gives them ammunition. The idea is a correct way of thinking, and if you’re not in a devalue phase, a narcissist may even smile and nod while you’re saying it. Alas, I’ve learned that this type of communication actually causes a narcissistic “injury” and the narcissist will only use any ideas that you give them against you.
It’s tragic that we have to figure this stuff out through experience, but thank God there are people like you out there supporting us through these things helping humanity the way you do. God bless you!
Yes excellent! Hard to have balance when one of us is unbalanced! Day by day. Thank you
I used to be one of those people pleasers who invest all they have and get nothing back, bending over backwards to accomodate the needs of everyone else, disregarding myself. While they let me take care of them, their affairs, and the messes they made in my life, they sat and did nothing, and with my money they treated themselves to things I refused myself. Since realizing this insanity, I no longer tolerate parasites. Had I lived my life like they live theirs, only work when they don't have anyone to leech of, always have to have the latest trend, spend more money than they have coming in, etc., I would have exactly what they have, nada, zilch, zero, and therefore nothing to give away.
Growing up in a narcissistic family you get taught: you need to give everything, but aren't entitled to anything, all of your needs and wants are selfish, even basic things like clothes and food must be earned, others come first, you come last, you have no rights, nobody cares about you, your thoughts and opinions don't matter, yada yada. So, you resign yourself to having no wants, no needs and no concern, love and respect for yourself; you let others take advantage of you for all you have, and no matter how nasty they are, you feel obligated to be nice and keep the peace, and after they practically disemboweled you, invite them for dinner.
Being caught in the duplicity of being a worthless nobody, who at the same time has to cater to everyone, and no matter how they treat you, to stand above it all, is not only a very lonely place for a child, but murdering her soul. It took me a very, very long time to realize, the problem is not my sensitivity and not being equipped for this rough world, the problem is the people not willing to carry responsibility for their life. Three years ago I've terminated all liars, betrayers and ego-centered people and only kept people willing to give me the same respect I give them. The growing pains were tough, but I have never had more peace and harmony, and the emotions, energy, time and money priorly wasted on ruthless gluttons now find deserving outlets. After giving to everyone and being stingy with myself my entire life, I now sometimes splurge, and yes, it feels darn good. :-) And since I can't help to help, I give to truely needy people, i.e. invite homeless persons in the city to fish and chips and a coke, and while listening to their stories, advice where and how to apply for help. Looking into their appreciative eyes for having been seen at all (used to everyone just ignoring them) and being recognized as a valuable human being (and not just trash) is well worth the 20 or 30 Euros. No chaos, no hurt, no difficulties, just two people engaging with each other, life could be so, so easy.
Thank you very much, Dr. Carter, listening to you validates what I've learned so far, and in every one of your videos I find cernels of gold helping me a step further in my healing journey. And to liven things up a bit: th-cam.com/video/FffaCtMwIBI/w-d-xo.html
And another one: th-cam.com/video/HPyl2tOaKxM/w-d-xo.html
You sound like an awesome person...our backgrounds are similar. Love and blessings to you from Texas!
@@lindasheldon6940 love and blessings back to you.
Wow You have no idea how much this helped me. I used to see my father cry (A Pisces) often because of catering to other people's needs. I said to him in the 90's, you don't have to put up with this treatment from Narcs, they were insulting & hateful to him for no reason, (But in public around others they were good actors at Butter doesn't melt in my mouth) they are liars, cheaters & sad people to be around... I should know I am his daughter, I loved him to the Universe & back.... They had no emotion some of them & even when He had a stroke they said He was putting it on for attention. At the hospital of all things. He went through hell. I told him to leave. He said where would I go at my age. I said a caravan, your bothers or sisters place anywhere. He died that way because He stayed. God Rest His Beautiful Soul.
I have the ‘When Pleasing You is Killing Me’ and I’m looking forward to starting that one but I’m finishing up ‘Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me.’ I started out with a horrified conclusion that I’m a narcissist but as I’m reading and learning more, I realize there’s a difference between having narcissistic characteristics and full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. I’ve learned so much more from these books than expected. I fall on both sides and I’m learning to find my balance. I feel like I’m going back to childhood to learn lessons I missed along the way. It isn’t just about narcissism, it’s about mature interpersonal relating to others.
Do you have empathy? Do you enjoy pitting people against one another? Do you enjoy manipulating people?
Stacy Brown Stacy, I used to go day by day myself with this one. Some days I was convinced that I’m a narcissist and horrified! After berating myself, and going through the whole mental whirlpool, I realized I’m just channeling somebody else’s (a narcissist’s) projection of my personality traits. I believe empaths do this. Because of my early conditioning, during times when I focus on myself and my own needs, set a boundary or if I feel harshness for someone else,critical of others, etc. then I feel terrible guilt, and decide I must be a narc. Self doubt is a normal human condition that we all face, it does not make you a narcissist. Being observant, vigilant or even paranoid, and having an opinion about someone else that may not be positive also does not make you a narc. Go back to the diagnostic criteria, think about why you even found Dr. Carter in the first place, and what really happened to you. I was able to make progress through Melanie Tonia-Evans program. She’s on TH-cam. In some of her videos, she talks about sometimes victims think that they are narcs. Practice self care, be good to yourself :-) you’re not alone!
Stacy and Kali, I am guessing, if you are asking these questions, you are not a narc. The narcs I know would never ask this question about themselves because they are the only one who has it together, but they feel perfectly free to label other people. I recognized some of the narc traits in myself, too, because they are selfish traits. I think all of us are selfish to some degree. However, I tend to over-identify with others, so I have many of the empath traits as well. What is helpful for me is to identify negative traits in myself so I can address them. A true narc will not address their narcissistic tendencies because they are never at fault--it is always someone else's fault. They may adjust temporarily in order to gain control of a situation if they see that their usual way isn't working, but they feel no need for change at their core.
@@dasein9980 NOW! Those are the questions we need to ask...FROM the very beginning!! And observe well and ask ourselves that from what we see/.hear/feel about that person and it won't take LONG!! Now, that we are knowledgeable warriors! TYSM...LOVE AND VALIDATION TO YOU! I have worked with Melanie too! She is amazing! The awareness we so need..I have been in your place. I still am! And still working on all you mentioned! The after effects are a convoluted all-consuming life of its own...One that is a journey that we warriors will become who we really are...and thrive like we never dreamed we could!! Believe in YOU!! That is a great beginning...I am doing the same! Though I doubt either one of us are beginners!! ALL THE BEST!!
@@sandys2672 Thank goodness you were able to recognize that! You are now well ahead of this madness...Love and Validation and TYSM for that share!
Dr. Carter. I like your videos. Very helpful. However I would like to disagree with you on the subject of anticipating other people's needs - that is fine with little childen to a certain age, yet, shouldn't even little children be learning how to communicate their needs effectively. The problem with self-centered narcissists is that they assume you can read their minds and predict their wants and needs and not only that but also that you will always 100% fulfill their needs (even the unspoken needs, wants, desires) and that you will predict their needs correctly and fulfil them. I have gotten criticized for not assuming something about someone. Narcs and foolish people don't want to take responsibility for their own unhappiness, their own mistakes and for not communicating properly, so they blame it on others. Isn't that a form of abuse?.... the narcs will say something like "you made a mistake by not coming to my dinner party" (when in reality they never invited me and it was for their work colleagues, which I am not) - the mistake is theirs for not communicating, for not inviting, for assuming. Isn't good communication the most important aspect of a functional and healthy relationship? Also, it is really ANXIETY PROVOKING always being in a situation of the narc's expectation that you will always correctly predict the narc-person's needs, wants and desires and since relationships with narcs do not allow for "no" (boundries not allowed) the result is constant anxiety to correctly predict and fulfill the narcs needs, wants and desires, or otherwise constant nonconstructive criticism comes our way. That is the reality of being the child or spouse of a narc. A dependent child with a narc parent has no choice, but as an adult, I want to be in relationships where the other person communicates well, effectively and responsibly in a timely manor.
1. Don’t be a people pleaser when the other person is being irresponsible
2. Don’t be a people pleaser if your values are being compromised
3. Don’t be a people pleaser and go along with something just to shut someone up.
My therapist tells me that I am too good - giving everything I have and believing that everyone has positive interests, that I care more about others than myself and I have to work on boundaries ...
It's possible to have too much of a good thing. Dr. C
Same here i do really love to help others, but not everyone has the same attitude as we have
Me too. I think people will respect confidentiality because I do only to find out they don't 🤷😒
Love love love this video. I’m a people pleaser but an old resentful one - I’m ready to change. FYI Mrs Carter is nailing the shirts at the moment - very smart
I was giving my daughter some of these tips last night!! Perfect timing! You Know that I shared this on to her. Not to mention a few other of your vids. She apppreciates them unlike her psychologically challenged brother. Sometimes I feel guilty about him but then I think he has made his own adult choices so deal. My responsibility in his attitude only goes so far. Except now I'm pondering how much help I gave him in turning into an obnoxious narcissist. Oh gawddd.
Raised by a wonderful father and a narcissistic mother, I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Finally, at age 51, I am learning the lessons you have laid out in this video. Thank you so much fo explaining that there are boundaries and you’re not a bad person if you decide to let people experience the consequences associated with making bad choices.
Glad we're on the same team! Dr. C
I've watched a lot of your shows and this is one I needed for myself. I appreciate so much your time. I purchased your book tonight, "When Pleasing You Is Killing Me". I'm looking forward to learning more about keeping balanced. Thank you.
Excellent info Dr. Carter! Will be sharing this with a friend and implementing myself. Thanks again!
Ditto Shelly. I have learned so much from Dr Carter about myself. I have found such peace in leaving my narcissist husband who also became alcoholic. I am alone and so unencumbered, I still have to pinch myself to believe the cloud has lifted and I see my self worth growing.
Do: Offer affirmations. Emphasize relationship connectedness. Do bring a calming influence. Foster cooperation. Anticipate needs. Create a reputation for niceness. Don't: Entitle someone. Cater to hostility. Ignore your righteous and self-preserving anger. Validate lifestyle irresponsibility. Compromise values and morals. Concede to control agendas. go along to get along. Take responsibility for their actions. Do seek balance between your kindness and goodness and your self care. Stand up for your needs while being in tune to others. Be helpful and assertive. Communicate that "I enjoy pleasing and I like to be respected."
This was very beneficial. Thank you.
My preferences, my needs. Hello!!!! Breath of fresh air. Helpfulness and an assertiveness. I like being helpful and I like respect and reciprication. Is that okay? Writing this down.
It's been 14 months off benzos and in withdrawls. I've started NA and Alanon. I'm seeing a social worker and therapist. The withdrawls are too bad to work and it could take years so with the little money I have I'm moving into a small room for rent. Fear and melancholy have inhibited me but hopefully my sponsors will keep me in check. Damn it, I am trying.
This helps me a lot!! Thank you Dr. C for what you do!! My father was sociopath. I tried to marry different, but...I did marry one more skilled at control and manipulation ..sociopath, psychopath and narcissism. Is there a clinical term for that? I did divorce him at about 24 years, but the damage he inflicted and is still trying to and I have no contact. Now moved 3 min away. Hiding over there at least a year until I found out from a friend 2 weeks ago or so. I am still free to be me. Thank you!!
Thank you Dr. Les for your helpful videos and the time you took to make them. May God Bless ALL your efforts to help people. Again many thanks.❤
Great to hear this and I have burned myself out doing it wrongly. Hopefully in the past. I have led online prayer and councils and it can be a challenge...best is two leaders and clear guidelines I believe and like here, that can take time. Seems clear to me I please to avoid conflict. I know this is collusion and can occur in groups. I want lots of practice here in order to allow w Grace and Peace. Right now I have a person supporting me that just is not open to DCR nor interested in any kind of change. He was willing a long while yet recently has shut down even more and I do not want to shame him. I know him as brilliant and probably on the autism spectrum. I cannot even approach the question of his life of privelege. As man of privelege w a unique brilliance I feel he shuns anything that requires introspection. Thru years of loving kindness I saw change and he learned how to have fun. I even helped him give a very good talk in church. For now less contact is better. And I hope I am learning discernment and ability to not attract the priveleged and bullies and to walk away when I can. And I need financial support. Brainstorming w a mature woman friend just today. I have many classes I can offer and I have my own up and down days. Many thanks for this. My college mentor John Heron created co counseling and cooperative inquiry. See Amazon. I have never been able to consistently practice due I know now I believe my narcissistic wounding. Would appreciate some sense of success even at 71. I have a lot of goodness love and laughter to share. Again many thanks. I feel like I am in AA...one day at a time and as you say patience.
Btw refered a very distressed woman to this group yesterday. Always interesting to see who is willing to do the deep dives and who just wants to whine...their choice and now I can let go. Ahhhh...
When you finally make an empath mad...watch out..they become your worst enemy.
I love the way you present the topic Dr. C. Very cool.
I find the problem arises with the "reciprocation" part. I do many of the positive actions, my problem is my general approach. I seem to attract unhealthy people. Most likely a result of my upbringing in a narcissistic home. These habits are very hard to break. Try as I might I keep getting "used" by unhealthy people. They aren't in my life as long because I spot them more quickly but ideally I'd like to spot them so quickly that they don't get a foot in the door! I am a work in progress...
I didn't see this video until today. Some day I am tempted to make up for lost time in less than ideal ways since deciding I am not going to be a people pleaser anymore. Like telling people off. Or raising my voice way louder than necessary when saying no which is very unbecoming for a woman. It's like some days I seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed and then find myself in a kind of second childhood only thankfully with a lot more self control well at least better than only a 2 year old so I don't get escorted away from a place by security guards. On days like that I feel like staying home. But I don't. Maybe I better stick to part time work right now at age 65,
thank you. this is an often overlooked and downplayed topic. good to know the rules and the risks.
When I was young the neighborhood women would take turns having coffee just to talk and listen. That's what this is.
One of the key signs of narcissim, is when that individual wants to establish their boundaries over your boundaries. In the mind of a narcissist your Individuality (Selfhood) and everything that is associated with it such as your personality, identity, needs, desires, interests, and well-being, has little to no bearing to on them. Who you are simply does not matter to them.
People pleasers can easily be taken advantage of. This is good advice. Not to stop being a nice person but to also not be taken advantage of in the process. Gradually I’ve had to learn this the hard way and have to keep remembering this. Thank you.
I feel when someone will not reciprocate then I'll just gray rock them or disengage altogether and let them flounder for a minute or sweat bullets and keep my own inner sense of being willful healthy free I am a strong woman despite the fact that I deal with people mainly family who has no interest in me whatsoever if they do it's because they need something or want something whenever I need or want something there are no place to be found and I'm dealing with a prime example of that currently and I'm just going to start gray rocking and being distant just to protect myself self-preserve I guess should I do that and only focus on people who are genuine supportive reciprocative if that's a word which I'm sure it is someplace out there but let's focus on one thing everybody love like energy and team healthy I'm working on myself it's just not going fast enough for others but it's going just this just the way it should for me nice and even and at my pace thank you Dr c again for this video You're greatly appreciated I hope you're having a good day I am I'm not letting anyone get under my skin because I walk the infinite Divine light sorry for the misplaced words and stuttering
Most people speak of People Pleasing as a bad character flaw.......Dr Carter's view is much more balanced and has made me feel less guilty.....a wonderfully healing video....Thank you.😄
Stay as you are, just make sure you have good boundaries! Dr. C
The problem is when the other person holds the cards. My beloved grandchild.
Thank you- I’m going to have to take that in again to gain more sinking in.
Thank you so much for your videos. I used to be a people pleaser in the negative way and when I realised that I was a 'non person' because I was doing what everyone else wanted, ignoring my own needs, I knew I needed to change but my concern was that I would go from one extreme to the other. Years later, listening to this video I can see how much I have changed for the positive. So many of your videos I watch make me feel this way. I - who didnt even know 'who I was' at one time of my life, am such a changed for the better person. Thank God that we can change if we are willing to see where we need changing and then do the hard work. I am still on the very interesting journey!
I need to get a copy of your book, “When Pleasing You Is Killing Me.”
Uncanny timing every time without fail Dr. Carter! Thank you!
LOL channel 12 fox TV broadcasted out of Corvallis Oregon is now running a comercial that is a consoler & client = the client clearly state's his problem in a short sentence = the consoler brags about how she fixed her own problem she thinks is matching his point = the client then ask ok how does that help my issue = the consoler mumbles the word narcissist as she rights it in his chart
The good news is I'm still not crazy = I really am in a difficult area for this topic trying to find healthy help
Ok do ya got Any video's about how real truth - even when it's hard to swallow truth instantly fills the human body with feelings of releaf & peace = instantly total clarity of mind body and sole
Other then personal exspereance with the truth hurts I mostly don't understand it but I sure like it
Dr Les-I really appreciate your break-downs !
Come to think of it I am a people pleaser given the number of times I go back to places again and again where I experience feeling down not long after being there because I believe I can change how people there are treating me by me being nice enough for them to notice my niceness, contributing enough to help them see me and things different etc. Maybe a people pleaser is a kind of manipulative person instead of someone who just maintains their own boundaries come to think of it.
Buy the books read them again and again eat with it sleep with drive on the bus with it remember every word u encounter all this your entire
life - unfortunately getting worse children youth mid n old age.
All my life I was...until my divorce from a psychopath...now I am becoming the not so perfect person and its a lots less work
Perpetual pathological pleaser here....thanks for these points!
I've been called serene and conciliatory. That seems to provoke some sorts of people. It's as though they don't believe it's real. They want to see if they can get me to lose my composure. It's difficult to know how to respond to these types.
I've been much like that until I realized there are lots of people who walk over you. Now my goal is stablishing boundaries and sticking to them and if I have to "fight" and get out of my comfort zone I'll do it, … I'm learning new soft skills. Thanks for all the information Dr Carter, you're a teacher to me :)
Pleased! Dr. C
Who would think being nice to people and trying to please them, could be so wrong?!?!?! Kindness just squeezed out of you and walked all over like a door mat. 🤷♀️
Thank you Dr. C. I know I need to find my balance and stop giving in so much to pressures. I do need to get your books and will be getting the first one by tomorrow. I', not too old to learn a few things. 😊
Just subscribed. I really like your videos. Thank you
Very helpful. Thanks so much.
I'm still working on responding with dignity respect and civility
Thank you for talking about balance, Dr Carter. I took a long time realising that it was no good waiting for my mother who was taking advantage of me to become more balanced. My only real choice was to stop giving to someone who gave nothing back and didn't appreciate what I gave. Somehow I kept thinking that if I returned kindness for unkindness, she would realise the unfairness. I lacked boundaries and had false hope. On the other hand, my husband and I, both being people pleasers, have a happy marriage as we appreciate each other and reciprocate.
It took my therapist 5 years to explain this plus thousands of dollars I might add.... Thank you.
I'm a people pleaser and I've put up with my BPD husband for too many years. Just to avoid a huge blowup, I would go with his ideas, as wrong as they were. Dr. Carter, you are so intuitive and thank you for sharing your knowledge. It's invaluable and validates what I need to do.
I never went against my morals and values, all my friends have labeled me as a “goody two shoes.” I do not cower to peer pressure or manipulation by anyone
I'm a people displeaser
Unfortunately the whole progressive movement doesn’t leave people with the right to have their own thoughts and lifestyles.
This is a really helpful video! Even though I have been learning about things like this for a little while, and putting them into practice, there has been a situation that I have been dealing with lately that has been extremely frustrating. I have been frustrated with others in this situations, but also frustrated with myself for being frustrated instead of being more proactive in effectively dealing with it. I will be pondering on what you have talked about here and see how I can put this into practice in a much better way. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
Dr. Carter you are an angel! As an empath this has been a big issue throughout my life, and I let my guilt get in the way for most of it. But I want to thank you for letting me know that it's ok to stand up for my own free will. You have been a big help in my healing process.
So me. Do empathetic folk tend to be this.
Great video thank you. It's strange most of my relationships have been one-sided always or the focus has been on the other, but I never looked at it is a problem, I felt like these people just need my help more than I need theirs. It was until someone pointed out it's not okay no matter what to allow people to be abusive. When I gave pushed back as far as me being a caregiver the dynamic of all my relationships totally changed the true selfishness of many of these people was shocking to me. They had zero interest in helping me do anything, it is outright inconceivable to me that any adult could actually be that way. I thought people are fundamental good that they do not do good actions only because they don't know better or their scared, both of these revelations have made me terribly sad. I think I'm so sad not only because these people have got to be the loneliest people on Earth, but that I've allowed other people's problems to keep me from doing the things I want to do with my life. These people don't give a poo about what you want out of life. I think they act as though they do, but as I discovered it's only for them to use it as fuel to keep energy and focus on them and off of you.
But like I said having this new understanding that people are actually fundamentally broken , also essentially not repairable, completely devasted me. I've never experienced such sadness.
I don’t think I was really all that as with wanting to please everyone. I was a giver tho. Gave too much. Bad boundaries. But it was selective for me. It was just certain ones, not everyone, but often the wrong ones. Lol. I like when people are happy or ok, but I also know I can’t always make them be that way. It’s ok to be kind or giving or diplomatic, but people can go too far with that.
I’ve also been accused of not caring about someone as much as they care about me. Or not giving at the level they feel they are giving to me. I think I’ve rather gotten used to it tho by now. I realize that I’ve improved my boundaries and they really have more expectations from me than is healthy for someone to have. Yeah. They get angry. But I’m tired of it, so I’m moving on. I don’t think many of them are narcs, tho some def are. I rather think they are often more codependent really these days.
I always want to check myself tho. Like have I really become overly detached and I don’t care enough about other people and their troubles anymore? But when someone is guilting me or accusing me, and getting angry at me about it, I’m just not going to succumb to that. It’s just not fair of them to be that way toward me. I think I might consider it more if they were just plain sad and more calm about it rather than being angry or accusatory toward me. I guess doesn’t matter tho. Are they a narc? A codependent? A person in a temporary crisis? Or just someone who might be stuck? It matters more that whoever it is pulling on me, that I don’t let myself be pulled too far or carried away or get down on myself just cuz they’re not happy with me or my level of effort.
All I know is that being a lot more detached from other people has served me well and made my life a lot more peaceful, and I truly don’t think it’s such a bad thing. I think it’s the right way to be and that many who don’t like it or knock it in me are still running around being still very transactional with other people. Since when does anyone get to tell me that I should be more this or that way tho? They don’t have that right. They just want what they want and I’m sorry, but they’ll just have to look elsewhere. This ain’t UNICEF ya know and I’m not getting paid to be their dutiful therapist either. Lol. Geez. J/S.
If I feel that if I’ve given my max to someone, then I literally am not able to give more tho. Why would I need to feel guilty or bad for something that I’m simply not (yet perhaps) capable of or equipped to give out? A lot of folks seem to want to sidestep their own work on themselves (or maybe should be looking to God or whatever) and want other humans to just carry them, and sometimes that’s just not possible. I’ll extend a life preserver to them, but I’m not jumping in the water and drowning with them in their panic.
You are certainly correct and also you don't have to always give your every effort and your best to satisfy the needs of others or you will drain yourself. When people do not appreciate what you do, rather small or all you're got; they are selfish and unappreciative. Be careful who you help and relieve yourself from those who are users.
Marshaello Black So true. I appreciate you saying that. Sometimes I think we just need for someone to say yeah. Or amen. lol. Like I’m kind of new at doing that as standard procedure, so I guess I might wobble around or question it a bit at times, but I’m still doing it. I think the worst ones are the ones who are “nice” but just pull too much. And if they aren’t narcs and stuff, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and my “no” will help both of us grow. And if toxic, then they can just go suck the life out of someone else, or go wallow in it like they always will anyways. The hardest thing is to just buck that tendency when you feel like you are “supposed” to be “nice.” Discomfort for sure, but well worth it to push back. Also, once we do, and get over the hump, it’s a really good feeling tho.
Meat Loaf had it going on I guess when he wrote, “I’d do anything for Love, but I won’t do that...” lol. And “that” is whatever I decide is not going to work for me. Lol.
Hearing this one again .
I just need the reminder .
I hope your having a good day.
Thank you for being here !!!
✝️
Thank you ,you’re been a big help in my life. Thanks
Thank you! A common sense view of 'people pleasing. What I like about your videos; concise, meaningful and balanced.
I am a people pleaser..GUILTY...I feel that's how God made me...just recently I have learned to set boundrys and do some things for self...💜
Once again GREAT advice Dr. Carter... thank you.
Keep being a people pleaser, just make sure to add the boundaries into the mix! Dr. C
Handsome beautiful man 💋
Fantastic advice thank you
Thank u much appreciated
Both of your channels are brilliant! I can’t thank you enough for all your wonderful advice! 🥇🙋🏻
Thank you! Dr. C
What other channel🤷
Perfect timing...thank you Dr. Carter...
Awesome!! Thank you!!
I have bouts ....but not as much anymore. Great vid. Thanks Dr. Les!
Sounds Okay to me!
I was taught to be a people pleaser thru church, but it has made my life a living hell. Everybody thinks I owe them something 😂. Un fucking believable. Thanks 😊 Dr C.
SALIENT POINT: reciprocal relationships are healthy relationships
Thank you for speaking on these subjects.
I have learned. Thank you for that.
Peace-out 🌎
Great subject.....and nice bookcase.
Thanks so much Dr Carter. 🙏😇 You have helped me immensely through your clarity. I am increasingly becoming more aware of my 'people pleasing' behaviours. I have struggled with assertiveness and boundary setting, self confidence /worth. Ect. I grew up amoungst 'The troubles' in N. Ireland , to a paranoid schizophrenic mother, no father figure, a 10 year older half brother who rejects me. I was put in various foster homes, shoved from pilar to post, only to be put in a children's home all throughout my teenage years into early adulthood.. I've gained allot of negitives and positives from a trumatic up bringing. I've lived in hyper vigilance and stress, like allot of people in N. Ireland, but somehow we become very good at repressing the heart-ship with humour, or other nuanced strategies. I recognize that now, in adulthood, I can take the plus aspects to my state of being and use them to my benefit. Such as being highly observert, able to read Peoples non verbal communications, emotionally and mindfully aware of myself and those around me. Ect.
You are incredibly kind Dr Carter. 🌞🙏❤️ You genuinely want to raise people up and guide them, it means so very much to.many. With all the truama, hurt and pain, we can take from those experiences, tease out, and nurture the aspects of our being that encourages and allows us to live a nourishing and fulfilling life. ❤️
Thankyou again. This video about people pleasing was a good reminder to keep it real... not too much. I've got to slow it down a bit. MERRY CHTISTMAS!