One Huge Question Controllers Fail to Ask
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 พ.ค. 2019
- Chronic controllers often fail to think carefully about the net effects of their obnoxious behaviors upon others. Desperately wanting to be heard, they decrease their influence as they treat people poorly. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies a major question controllers don't ask, but need to. He exposes how their tactics are ultimately a formula for relationship pain.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
Dr. Carter's online workshops about narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can help you: betterhelp.com/drcarter
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The less controlling you are the more influential you become. What a great insight.
I dont have any questions.... I just want to thank you..you are a rescuer
Amen!
Simple Complicated 👏👏👏👍👍👍
No...he gives the tools for people to rescue themselves.
I just realised as soon as I see a Dr. Carter video I just automatically click 'like' before I even listen lol! But I know what I hear will be soul lifting- thank you.
Makes me think of the first time my sister FINALLY realized she was never really going to control me (for all the years of trying).
She sent me a plane ticket to visit her for 2 wks. Hubby's job sent them faaaaar away so lots of free air miles and lonely, but still very nice of her.
She runs us non-stop all week before we go to a nearby island for a few days. SPOILER: I want to finally relax a little ONE DAY....
Miss Never-stop threatens to leave without me & take my plane ticket so I'm stuck 1/2 way around the world from home! Darn, she saw the moment of fear in my eyes but I caught myself. The look on her face was priceless when I told her, 'Go ahead. I'm sure I'll get back somehow.' Boy did I feel strong!
Now, if I could do that so far from home we all can surely handle less detrimental daily dinner, restaurant, t.v. show, movie, activity situations. (I know, some people's situations have more complications, though).
The worst that could've happened was to be stuck in paradise for a while and the authorities would expidite things to get me home. My sister would've looked like the biggest a** (jerk) to everyone we knew and her behavior might have changed for life. Maybe, it's too bad she backed down, after all....
Favorite line from that situation:
"What, do you want to lay on the beach all day and read or something!?!?"
Lololol...uh, yyyyeah.
If she takes your plane ticket, then just go to the airport and they'll print you new ones... just bring your ID with you =)
@@curiosity19 Good to know cuz I hadn't thought of it. No reason a grass hut airport wouldn't have been as legit. (Seriously, a big hut but a grass hut with no walls. A-1 unique)!
My mom used obligation and guilt and my dad used fear. FOG. It was only ever about them. Until I came out of the FOG and stood up for myself.
LinYouToo, good for you! I grew up in similar circumstances, where love was spelled C-O-N-T-R-O-L. I say being free is worth letting go of whatever needs to go in order to feel fully myself and empowered in my own life. Best wish to you and each of us breaking free of control.
I knew a guy whose mother used guilt all the time. As he put it, she was a travel agent for guilt trips.
@@naturefleur2062 , I was raised in a religion that instilled fear, guilt, never going to be good enough.
It's the one where they are the only ones who have the truth.
No more. No more abusive marriage.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 I was also raised in a religion just like that, possibly the same one. Since becoming disassociated from strict religious practices and ideologies I've been on a rough journey searching for answers and a more meaningful existence. Many times looking in the wrong places. I'm grateful for Dr. C and his ability to help me better understand myself as well as how to begin becoming a better human being for those in my circle. Thank you for the religious narcissism video. It was very insightful as to how toxic certain aspects of religious ideology can be.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 They claim to follow the Way, the Truth, and the Life but they believe they are that Truth. They are the children of pride. They believe they are God. "Ye shall be as gods....." "I shall send them a strong delusion that love not the Truth, that they may be damned..."
What a different world this would be if they actually did ask, and think through, the question. Sigh!
How anyone can thumbs down these videos is beyond me.
It's because people don't want to see the truth.
Probably a controlling person. "Don't hold up a mirror to me..."
They're narcissist who are controlling people. They can't handle the truth.
At this day in age. Not surprising at all
This who do are narcissits.
You empower us and often remind us to stop and reflect. I agree with the other commenter: You are a rescuer. Thank you!
Pleased! Dr. C
🌹🌹🥰🥰🌹🌹My husband was brought up in a controlling family, ( I was not, I was encouraged to think 🤔 and make decisions, I’m the firstborn) but he seems more free and happy since he met me(20yrs ago)... I don’t stress him out like as in-laws do. I told him that controlling a person is a form of abuse (he should not have to deal with it if he doesn’t want to) so he sees it clearly now🥳🥳.
Very much like my marriage. We have been into it for less than ten years, and I see improvement (it wasn't easy). He has setbacks though, and it makes me doubt the whole thing
If you look up The Wheel of Power, you'll discover that abuse is all about control.
I knew a woman who got married to an extreme controller but it went beyond the verbal. He moved her way out into the countryside into a mobile home where there was no phone in the residence and she didn't have a cell phone. No neighbors for miles. He had the only car and wouldn't let her go anywhere unless it was to the store with him monitoring everything and then bringing her back immediately. She finally got rescued by concerned friends and relatives and divorced him. She said that he'd told her, "You don't need anybody but me." That was his excuse for placing her in near total isolation. Of course, at first, he was all sunshine and flowers.....until they got married and he sprung the trap. It made me think of the old saying that "you don't really know someone until you've lived with them." It also made me wonder what danger signals could have been there that she didn't notice or pay attention to beyond being "love-bombed."
You're an international treasure. Your videos have helped me a lot, thank you for uploading these to TH-cam for free. Cheers from Finland.
So pleased to be with you there in Finland! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter *Thank You from Sweden too!*
And Ireland.. Hello and thanks x
And from italy. Just realised my "situation" blew me away...
And thank you from Germany.
I think I need to divorce, live in a cave and get myself a dog. A nonjudgmental loyal friend that appreciates my time, effort and love. I would like to actually experience that. Seems I only attract people with rabies.
They are emotionally immature bullies, and seldom anything more.
You ha e opened my eyes to what narcissistic controllers are like. I put an end to contact with my controllers.
So have I, Liz, following watching a lot of Narc. videos. But this one reinforces my decision and also causes me to look at myself and rein in some of my own controlling tendencies. I am lonelier since my decision, but I choose that over signing up to get worked over again and again!
I watch my adult boys and their wives interact with a foreign feeling amazement.
Their's is a healthy respectful, kind and loving partnership.
So thankful. Maybe one day I will have that.
For now I am learning to stand strong on my own.
Thank you Dr. Carter ♡
Both of my parents were controlling and same time unprotective. Completely crazy.
sounds like they needed some parenting tips. probably their efforts were misguided and they missed the mark, but for all their effort, it shows they cared, even if they screwed up. I know crazy parents, mine were, still are. Since I learned about their difficult childhood, I realize they were damaged when they had me, but they tried their best. We don't want to take the brunt of their problems, nor do we want to add their inner troubles. I hope you find a compromise.
Cheers from London fine sir, you are really a champion. I truly believe the content of your channel really should be taught in schools so kids growing up can be aware of the nonsense unhealed people perpetuate so they can nip it in the bud immediately. Nobody should make time for ANYBODY who attempts to drag them down, regardless of who they are, period.
Thank you Dr. C. for shining a light on unhealthy dynamics, and helping us change around towards health.
I think Gus said “I’m not napping Daddy, I’m just getting comfy while I learn from you because this information is solid gold!”
Love Gus! Thank you for your knowledge. This is such a strong video for me. Truly a necessity to view if your trying to live with a narcissist. Still, all in all, a lonely existence.
Having lived with a covert passive aggressive "recovering" narcissist, I can assure that after years of being controlled...there is a point in time where you want to be the "controller." This only works and actually is successful when you successfully distance yourself from this narc...physically when possible, but emotionally always. Stop caring...forget about "revenge," just move on!
Nearly all my family members! I grew up with them and they never changed. We have all done it but those who live in this realm all the time, then is where the problem lies. I ran away from home at 12 because I was so hurt from all the controlling and disrespect. When I returned there was no loving given only more accusation and hate. No one even sat down with me to ask why I was so hurt. Things got even worse when I returned. When I told my mother one time after one of their big fights that I want my marriage to be different when I grow up. She told me I was silly, that life was just like this and I was being foolish in thinking I could have a better marriage. Once again my pain went deeper when my mother didn't validate my feelings.
I'm sorry your mother can't see you. She's probably so wrapped up in her own inner misery, and taking it out on you. I'm familiar with this, my mother never validated me, my words, my efforts, my acting out. Our mothers are imperfect, perhaps very imperfect, but we can rise above, and see our mothers as troubled souls, rather than intentionally being a mean to us. We have Doc Carter, while our mothers just don't know any better and perhaps have mental conditions. Probably you can't help her, keep a safe distance, but don't abandon her, it will make her worse. I hope you are well and thriving. Good-luck.
i really appreciate your channel. ✋🏽
He constantly needed to be above me and then would chastise me for being below him.
That's twisted logic, which underscores why you don't need to filter your responses through that controller! Dr. C
God bless you Dr Carter!!! Thank you so much for your wisdom and videos!! You're helping so many people 🌸
Thank You!! Again you have given me so much more insight into my relationship. My controlling partner makes things so difficult. He wonders why I don't want to take the step to move in with him and this is exactly why I refuse to make that commitment. He simply doesn't treat me with enough respect. Literally every point you've made in all your videos explains his behaviour as if you're speaking about him specifically. It's crazy! I can't thank you enough for putting out these videos. My gratitude is beyond measure. You are saving my life!!
Thanks...and remember the 3 ingredients that are underscored in this channel, Dignity, Respect, Civility. Those are good foundation stones for any relationship. Dr. C
I used your non controlling techniques.
I listened more then I talked and I was respectful to a mean spirited ex wife of my husband's. This occurred at my step son's wedding this weekend. Thank you for the well timed.video. Thanks to you and Max, I was on my best behaviorr..
Way to go! Reading this is food to my soul. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Your welcome, it helped me understand her behavior, so I didn't take her behavior personally. Your instruction helped me use grace in the situation.
the beginning segment: control ; we all want it to the degree of our personality..but the narc carries into the dysfunctional arena of obsession.
So true! Dr. C
Respect as always Sir....from Scotland
I just love Dr. Carter.
If you want to see how people feel about themselves deep down inside, take a look at their pets.
Gus is super-chill. And it's obvious that Dr. Les thinks the world of him.
Sally Eckhoff yeah I too have a pet that's the only true and trusted without a doubt friend. The saying a man's best friend is his dog is true and in my North Eastern Mississippi area the only normally functional being at my home. Reality is just easy for him. He reciprocated and I had to get the treats he proudly removed a young possom from the yard and now I'm duty bound to carry off and bury,soon as first light or the stink and funk will go from normally stinky and will be awful if left for Bobby's nose sharpening until the whole place and him too are like he is wishing to be, the only one who loves his funky but,a sad man who's in a jam already a job let go,and the homestead and yard are foul and unhealthy as the relationship between the wife and I unfit to habitate at least together,he would find perfection if I wouldn't be unable to stay without a major effort and his dishonor I have caused and he is a great yard tender for unwelcome and uninvited rodents and the like. Dr. C would be likely to get the same if in a rural setting as Gus probably would be inclined to want to smell a similarly foul smell a functional friend who is just being normal,for a dog. I wish to praise the effort and remove the offensive part so as to maximize what's the best thing for me to get to healing and not discourage him at all with a punishment like a sweet sickly smell like he would be sporting, given the chance. Finding the right moment to get it done before he goes outside to pee,n chore list in mind first. Be a good owner be and Master act like I don't even know I am not functioning properly and just be a real person that cares about himself and his surroundings and do it like I have common sense as priority's return to my normal. Great Stuff and much appreciated medicinal healing Dr. C you are the man I am in awe, and feel I wouldn't be wrong as I strive to be a pleaser that's honorable in word and deed and better for your gift,not fowl due to the same sense of wanting to help those who are struggling with life and help those whom able and knowledgebale to give only the way to understanding leaving the choices available and the path taken yours accepting the rejections as acceptable to his good nature and let go of the one's as one can not possibly save all the strays,alone and do it meanwhile not crossing the normally acceptable boundary into a place of honor flips into his own undoings,not good intentions,but those only work carried out correctly understanding the boundary's blurred line's I so terribly stumbled across in ignorance. My Hero in 2019
Doc's dogs name is gus? Awe how cute
I am sure that the feeling is mutual!
I love these videos!! Helps you take control of your life again when you become aware of what is happening to you vs. feeling confused, guilty and right back in the toxic relationship that you wanted to escape from.
Thanks for sharing!
Like I said in the chat;
That's my dad, only telling his truth and never listens to me or others. He just plain says that he knows it all and that's why he doesn't have listen to others.
For me it's not doable anymore so I cutted him out of my life.. there is just no use for me to go on in that way.
It's too bad, but it's for the better :)
are you punishing your father because he's imperfect? He may be very imperfect, but abandoning him sounds cruel. consider taking the high road, and come up with a compromise. I understand your situation because my parents were impossible narcs, I used to hide from them in the closet. Now, I realize they grew up with very hard circumstances, and they did the best they could with us kids.
@@kc3810 Hi, I see you make a few assumptions.. that I punish my father, that my handeling is not the high road, that I don't compromise and that you know my situation. And maybe also that my parents did the best they could?
These are all things you can't possibly know, so therefor I want to ask you not to judge me :)
@@indira5601 ok, not judging. Just offered advice. Thought that's why people shared on Dr C's comment section. You sure put me in my place!
@@indira5601 I support you in trusting and honoring yourself. I have been in similar circumstances and sometimes distancing is the healthiest choice. You go girl! 👍
The commit about Gus made me chuckle- it felt refreshing- I’m actually healing threw your videos- and I also have a loving
companion named Misha- her & Gus would surely get along- she is a gift from God- she kept me sane threw my relationship
with a narcissist husband- 🕊
Listened to this four times today.
Me too. Gus and Dr. Carter are saving millions of relationships, and, I would argue, the future of the world! Like, share, subscribe! 2022 I announce is WORLD MENTAL HEALTH YEAR! Let us have a WORLD SANITY REVIVAL! Praise God/Allah!
Thank you very very much doctor Carter... you are such a God send
I second that!!
I have learned Soooo much from this man.
Mr. and Mrs. Controller don’t want to learn a new way because they already know what’s right...
Dr. Carter, Thank You! You are a big part of my support team as I (finally) pull myself out of a 23 year relationship with a narcissist. The damage (emotional, financial, time lost with parents [now deceased]) would be completely debilitating if not for people like you. You have affirmed so much of my experience and given me some tools for moving forward and interacting with hubby (must because of our sons and the business we joint-own). May you be very blessed. And I love your dog!
Collaborative conversation. ... can't force that out of a narc
Dr Les - you are my saving Grace whenever I am feeling out of kilter or crazy - I can find a video of yours that deals with a similar issue and you help give me perspective - I love that I found you & I so appreciate that you enjoy gifting us with your psychological knowledge and balance of thought - thank you and keep sending your loving presentations !!
Its amayzing haw You tell - with that humor - where is the exit ?! - 😂 - so great.
If you do not expect anything, you will not have disappointments. I have learned the only one you can control is yourself!! Once I see that there is no solution, the argument will not stop, I simply walk away & refuse to continue with a hopeless situation!! I love your voice, so pleasant to listen to. No, yelling & screaming!!
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. Dr. C
This video rings so true when I think about my behavior and the behavior of those around me. I find your videos to be so helpful and the messages so thought-provoking in my journey to improve and strengthen myself. And I am actually starting to see a difference in my interactions and relationships with others. I can’t thank you enough, Dr. Carter!
Another wonderful video of helpful insights. Love Gus! What a cute dog. And he brings natural calming and joy. Dr. Carter, you and Gus make a great team. May God continue to bless you, yours, Gus, and all the people you help so we can all continue to grow into the people God created us to be.
What a lovely note, Ms Hopeify!
That is beautiful and I agree, he is a Light upon the world !
I can think of several questions, Dr. C.
Looking forward, as usual, to your words of wisdom.
So Happy to have received these videos from an anonymous friend. Thank you.
Perfectly and very professionally described. Very insightful and helpful thank you Dr.
You helped me and given me a psychological rebirth Dr. Les Carter. Your video's have helped me leave a toxic relationship and now I'm going through personality transformation. I understand the faults I had because of your videos and you help me understand so much about this new me I'm rebuilding after a life of turmoil, dysfunction and narcissist abuse. I'm a Highly sensitive person and I love my new life catered for me.
Thank you Doctor😄😙
Pleased, and good luck! Dr. C
I love Gus, he is a sweet & calming addition to the overall setting while you share your knowledge, wisdom, experience & expertise. Dr. Carter. I have been viewing your mass library of videos, listening very attentively & all have been so insightful & beneficial to me. I would like to extend my gratitude to you for taking the time to share with all of us such enlightening information. I consider it time well spent that brings together knowledge providing awareness about relationships, but also an understanding of reflection within ourselves. After it all starts with the core of who we are, but how we can improve our humanity.
A good question... Thank you Doctor.. Hi Gus 🙂
Dr. Carter this video above the rest no one has the power to CONTROL US PERIOD....
You and Gus are good boys! LOL! Both of you inspire in your own ways.
You are so right Dr. C. I missed this one the other day and glad I saw it now. I've never heard someone really put into words what I have experienced. Thank you.
So glad I found your help. I’m a RDIMAN. Recently Discovered I Married A Narcissist. Thanks for all the information Doc!
RDIMAN. I don't think I'd like to be in that club. Dr. C
Dr. Les Carter I’m not happy about it. Just happy I know what I’m dealing with. She has all of the symptoms and I have the symptoms of the one being controlled and manipulated. It’s not like you can ask them to go to the Dr. without repercussions.
Good to see Gus. These are treasured. He is loved by many, the world over and in Texas too.
Gus definitely has his own followers! Dr. C
Hi Dr. Les Carter,
I live in Europe and have been watching your video's for a while now (approximately a year).
I appreciate what you do and wanted to share what I have learned so far.
"I have learned that I can also use your channel as a barometer to quickly asses the direction my mood is heading towards. If my mood is heading towards an angry state of mind, I have to avoid watching your video's. This way, I don't lose the goodwill that's being developed on your channel between you and a subscriber like me".
Also, I wanted to thank you for deciding to build your channel on TH-cam as you did. It provides me with a viable source of usable information to help me set free the relationship's I have with my parents and family, from the grip of narcissistic injuries.
You are making me, great again Dr. Les Carter.
God bless you!
It seems that controlling people do not favor questions directed towards their faults.
No they don't.
@@DrLesCarter And I have observed that they are not *curious* about themselves either. They appear to know all about things----
but lack true spiritual curiosity.
I've been posting about *synchronistic mathematics* the past couple of years--- something divine that must be observed subjectively. It cannot be *controlled* intellectually---- nor sold. 💗 It only requires an open mind and heart.
Absolutely right Sir. Thank you. God bless you.
I really need to work on myself, n' the way I communicate. I really appreciate they're service. I don't really have any money right now, so this is definitely a gift.
That's why I'm here. Glad you can make use of the videos. Dr. C
I could fill up pages on every video Dr. Carter's empathetic and to his honor not dishonor I could never be grateful enough to even express I had to like this as I am needing to get myself in check or I in desperation to survive become a copy of the abuser and with the ease of control to gain respect for myself back become the abuser and flip from one side of the sick relationship into the person I dislike I see I have became an horrible and sorry individual I wish not to be. Yes I am desperately trying to hold ground as acceptance and the knowledge helps heal,a man I can be and slowly let it all go, Otherwise I could level up and get myself a asshole reward too. I just am sick and desperately trying to cope and a blessing is here for free and become better,instead of taking the easy way, I can learn my reality and stay in honor no to be a dishoranable man. I just ain't got victim accepted,yet.
When I first met my NARC he explained to me that he enjoyed participating in Native American community. I have no issue(native both sides of my family) with enjoying different cultures so I agreed to accompany him. One of his long time native friends said when I met him..."Isn't it wonderful that we are all different"...With a hug and agrrement with one another was a very nice feeling. My NARC has spent 30 + years around Native Americans and their beliefs. I recently brought up to him that the very people he associates with believe that being different is ok and good. Guess he doesn't follow any belief or Culture of goodness but his own 👍👍
Sweet Gus! (I could'nt concentrate on your words at all, when he entered the sofa and prepared his bed. 😊🐕) Thank you for your videos, they are very helpful as Always!
I saw Gus show up at @3:29; he did his "wind up" before settling into the chair. That must be one of his favorite resting spots. Gus is a good background artist (a.k.a. an extra) in your productions.
He gets paid in treats when he makes an appearance. Dr. C
Precisely, Dr. Carter!! Love your videos!! God bless you and Gus and have a wonderful weekend!!👍🙏
Hi Gus!!!! Thx Dr. Carter. No ine wants to be controlled by Fear Obligation or Guilt but sometimes the message or information provokes that feeling of manipulation. Even telling someone the truth with love and consideration for the plight of that individual and their well being can backfire. If a topic has disastrous consequences if not addressed and your concern and love for another's safety is your highest priority , then sometimes you can not choose to be a fence sitter, you must at the very least state your perception so that your loved one does not come back to look in your eyes with tears saying " Why didn't you tell me?".
People love to avoid being the messenger of reason when they know it's not popular. Not my responsibility... they tell themselves to alleviate any guilt for not taking time out to be a real friend. So there is that side to consider as far as a situation being too dangerous to simply avoid.
There is no shortage of Nihilist fence sitter, do nothing say nothing spectators ....just saying.
Yes your point of having more influence if you are not perceived as controlling is obviously true, I just think the Real Controllers get a lot of attention and unwarranted affection by being the Fun haphazard lets not worry about consequences and have fun type of attitude, that leaves the responsible adult intentionally but falsely seeming like the controller.
Having to use restraint and calculate the upcoming damage to weigh against if and when you will act and how is a needless chess game ppl are forced to play when the stakes are high and sacrificial love for all the right reasons is present. Its a tight rope walk !
Thank you for helping us use wisely the control we do have to respond rightly in order to be seen for who we truly are.
I realize i was speaking on an exception and speaking specifics and not generalizations.
Thank you.
Your videos are very informative.Thank you
Your videos are SOO good. I have been doing so much inner work but am now trying to focus outward on relationships and these have tons of little golden points. thank you!
Thank you to opening my eyes, I just realised I have been controlling .
Another great video ,and I will be watching this one again...thank you Dr. Carter..
Hope you have an awesome weekend..💜
All the positive comments speak volumes for themselves.
Min 2:20 : The question controller never ask: "If I have to control the other person, what kind of a relationship do we have?"
Dr. Carter's father was a chaplain. The institutions for good relationships used to be stronger in our society.
Excellent and totally nailed it! Thanks so very much Dr. C. These are the exact same points that I have been making to someone who has been trying his hardest to control me. Thankfully he is now showing some understanding and actually working hard to change this situation. I will be sharing this with him as validation for the changes he is making. Thanks again! (I giggled when Gus walked in the room and got himself comfy in the chair in the middle of the video. He is special too!)
I love your new channel's look and sound. Thank you.
Thanks for your wisdom, Doc. Hi Gus!
I am a Westerner who lives in a very narcisstic Asian society in which lying and hierchical control is the norm. How can an honest and ethical person succeed in such a society and keep one's principles?
As much as I don’t like to admit it, I have not only been on the receiving end of control I have reacted to situations and unfortunately individuals myself with controlling verbiage or intent. Not proud of it, however it is true. Great question, I will keep it foremost in my mind and heart when faced with the choice to either respond or react. Thank you for giving of your wisdom and time. You do make a difference for many.
I truly appreciate a new perspective about life. Thank you.
Truth, at it’s best Dr. C.
My humble Thank you!! Dr. Carter,
I endeavor to keep learning, healing and loving myself better everyday!
I got finally got it!! I attract only good!!
So pleased! Dr. C
Good to see Gus. These are treasured.
Love you Dr. Carter. You always makes sense....I appreciate your advice.
Thx again so much, Dr. C..your videos R so insightful/helpful..& a Blessing 2 all of us suffering from the abuse of these controlling narcissists..U R appreciated 🌝🌝💗💗
Have you ever heard of the reflection theory?
Thanks for this video. Really enjoying your new channel! (as well as the Surviving Narcissist channel, of course)
I hold a very depressing secret of a covert narcissist and control freak. This person was so worried what the neighbors would say and so detached from any love and empathy for the daughter, that this person postponed calling 911 and opted to clean up the waste the daughter was leaving as she walked instead of calling for help.
This is the gossip coming from a best friend and generally seems to be known in the community. This person has quietly left the winter residence.
I have been unable to accept and forgive this person, but it has left me with sadness and downright depression which makes this secret almost impossible to bear.
I have eliminated addressing the person by name or sex to hide the identity or a possible chance to read this.
What shall I do being of an empathetic nature?
Thank you, Dr. C! Iam learning alot about myself from your videos!
I dont think, though, that they have a problem with this question. I think they WANT a dictatorship vs. A relationship..They WANT a person to bow to them and accept their abuse!
I’m thinking Gus is probably the Boss! Thank you Dr.C 🌻
Oh yeah, Gus has lots of sway! Dr. C
A long long time ago I had a problem with this...I was healed when it was explained to me that this was a spirit that had witchcraft attached to it.
All I can say is, thank you from the bottom of heart!!!
Yep, it’s like that lead, follow or get out of the way phrase. I’m the get out of the way person. Controlling means engaging and I’d rather stay at home, kick the blast door shut and work on personal projects.
Gus is an empath. T minimum an HSP - Highly Sensitive Puppy.😊
I love your videos. The things you say and have said regarding the narcissist has indeed helped me in dealing and responding with my husband. He has not been diagnosed as a narcissist but exhibits a great deal of NPD traits. I can't begin to tell you of his controlling, argumentative and many more damaging ways he had been in our marriage of 38 years. I never took a course in Psychology but wished I had so that I could have recognized this selfish disorder and many red flags sooner before I married him. Knowing what I learned from your videos has helped me realize the broken, damaged person I married is what has contributed to my damaged marriage. I am still married to him because I'm trying to honor the sacredness of marriage. But with him, it's been a long, depressing, tiresome road.
Another great episode and always lovely to see Gus again! ❤️🦄🌈💋💕
I have never understood why people want coercive relationships
You are the best Dr Carter, you have the best understanding of this disorder, and you teach it simply, for all to understand
I look forward to more of your videos
👍 THANK YOU, for sharing your wisdom✨
🌸🌼🌺
Every word of it is pure gold! Thank you so much! 💐
There's also the controller who has picked you in particular, as they couldn't get away with it in their professional life. But along with this control is pure bad arrogant behavior. Behavior that you are a witness to. So, in order for them to not cop to it, they keep the pressure on. They get worse. You start to respond and they cut you off. They start acting with real disdain. They sneer if you try to tell something funny. They no longer are controllers. They're assholes.
Excellent video. Thank you.
You say this advice in such a way that gives a example of how to talk. Your helpful, I love the way you present your videos. Thanks Dr C
TL, DR: what if you are trying to be assertive and setting boundaries that you believe to be reasonable, and the other person accuses you of being a control freak?
We had a situation where an employee of ours was trying to have everything her way: she wanted to be paid on the 15th rather than by calendar month (which we couldn't do because the government-mandated forms for salary and social security receipts don't really allow you to do that without opening a can of worms), she wanted to define the order of execution of the tasks assigned to her based on her preference and habits without regard for our needs, she expected me to continue doing some very simple tasks that we had assigned to her just because she had never done those tasks in previous jobs, and she even complained about having to work the full 8 hours per day as we had agreed to *in writing*. She reacted as if we were control freaks for demanding that she worked the full 8 hours rather than 6.5 hours per day, for expecting that she would alter the order of the tasks catering to our daily needs, for assigning her very simple, perfectly reasonable, but boring chores, or for expecting that she would listen when I explained how I expected things to be done.
In the end, she decided to quit, but she tried to have us fire her. She asked for feedback suggesting that we might be unhappy with her performance because we had requested minor adjustments to the some of her work. The timing and the phrasing for the question were a bit odd, so I said it was too early to give that kind of feedback since she had worked less than two weeks and inquired why she needed the feedback so soon. She said that she missed her previous job, and that she found herself like a fish out of the water in this new job. I asked her for more detail about the latter comment and she responded with a lot of stuff that didn't make sense to me. Finally, I asked her if she had decided to return to her previous job, and she said yes, I asked when, she said in about two weeks, but didn't seem to have decided on a specific date.
A week later, I explained to her that I couldn't hire her replacement if I didn't know until when she would be working. Since she said she had the other job lined up but hadn't committed to a specific resignation date yet, I urged her to send me a (government mandated) certified resignation letter setting the resignation date to whatever day she preferred, and that I expected her to do it that same day, since one of the options she considered for her last working day was the following day. I added that I preferred that she went to the post office during her work hours, rather than going after work as she planned - I didn't want to leave room for more excuses. Afterwards, she complained about my excessive insistence on the urgency of the resignation notice. BTW she said that she couldn't return to work because she had to wait 3 hours at the post office, and I know for a fact that it took her less than an hour - probably much less.
I watched this video and I started thinking "Are we too controlling with her? Or are we just stating reasonable expectations from an employee, setting the corresponding boundaries, and responding to an employee's attempts to establish a form of manipulation that completely out of place?" I think it was the latter, but this left me with a big question: what are the boundaries between asserting your needs and expectations by setting appropriate boundaries based on previous commitments, and behaving in a controlling way?
Make sure you watch the video, The "No Guarantees" Approach To Assertiveness." Bottom line, if you're appropriate in your assertions, but are misinterpreted, that other person may interpret away. Your primary task is to stay mature, even if it is not fully appreciated.
I was an employee and my boss was the control freak, rewarding me one day and giving me the silent treatment the next. I left with the excuse that I needed to take care of my elderly mother, which was preferred to showing up at that crazy job. I liked my work, but the people were so toxic and exhausting, I had to leave. You know when someone is demanding too much. Your demanding employee would have fun with my narcissistic employer, what a show that would be!
Sometimes it's purely sadistic!
Thank you so much !!
Super helpful! Thanks!
Great video Dr. Carter, you answered my question I had from another video I watched of yours.
Excellent explanation - sharing!