What Narcissists Misunderstand About Love | guest Dr. Les Carter
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ค. 2024
- Episode 11 - Mad.In.Love podcast
Today I’m thrilled to have as my guest Dr. Les Carter, fellow psychologist, narcissism expert and host of the Surviving Narcissism podcast. Together we’re going to unpack what it is narcissists misunderstand about love. They certainly think they are capable of love, but what they really mean when they say “I love you” is that they love how you make them feel, they love what you do for them. Notice how it’s all about their needs, their wants, their feelings. They’ve completely missed the mark when it comes to what love entails. Tune in for this fascinating discussion on narcissists and their warped idea of love.
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
🌐 WEBSITE: marriagerecoverycenter.com/
☎️ PHONE: (206) 219-0145
📧 EMAIL: info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#narcissists #narcissist #narcissism
![ลักพาตัว เอาลูกเอิร์นกลับมา...!! [เอิร์นไดเม่]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/f4NVKlZ5qkk/mqdefault.jpg)
"You can only meet someone as deeply as they met themselves "
Ooooou that was Goooood♡
wow!
Thank you both. I'm a mental health clinician and dated a narcissist for 3 years off and on until and the diagnosis. I kept thinking I could help him as part of my empathy and work ethic. I thought at first he was ASD moderate functioning, and that was why he didn't get concepts of love and what it is. I blamed his sexual abuse by an uncle when he was 6 years old. I blamed a developmental disorder. Then, after much research, I realised some things he wasn't capable of being the way a man of 65 should be as he hadn't developed the skills at the appropriate developmental age. He was capable of ghosting and gaslighting me and didn't feel it was cruel.This was with family ex wife daughter and son. 8 got away, but it's changed me detrimentally in my practice. If I see those aspects in clients, I really debate if it's a good idea to continue supporting them or their partners without recommending the partner leaves. It's very tough work staying. My self-esteem and essence were eroded over time, and then I had a breakdown once it was done. I work with adolescents, so I really want to stop the lifelong pain for narcissist and their future partners and family. Keep up the good work getting put more info for us about Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I always say the same truism.
That is so very true
You can't work anything out with a narcissist because you have no value! Learn to value yourself and walk away! 👋
Yes, valuing ourself is key. Thanks for your comment.
"... cuz' you have no value." Totally true if they are a true narcissist! And that same sentence applies to so many things (all things) with them!! At most, they may fake like they want to work it out with you, if that's to their advantage. But they'll NOT keep any agreement that you think you made with them & will instead twist your words, gaslight you, whatever it takes for them to pacify you & get past that moment. But it means zero, nada!
"Promises made.
Promises broken." I've told my husband that I will put that on his tombstone. And I will, IF I outlive him somehow. It's his true legacy. You can promise anything when have no intention of keeping those promises. Has broken every ptomise that he ever made to me! Will deny making it at all later.
See...when you have no value to someone, they can justify anything they say/do, cuz' you just don't matter at all! Value = 0 I knew mine 12yrs B4 I married him ~ we were best friends ever. But guess what? Adulting is hard." And they're unable to make & learn from their mistakes.
If you have no value to someone, there's no chance that will change. So just cut loose & leave, B4 they steal your life, dreams, any self-esteem you may have & you find yourself 60+ yrs old, alone & empty, still trying to "make things work" with them & resenting them fo all the lying, the sheer pain & for stealing your life!
@Sunny it's always good in the beginning until they get you right where they want you under their thumb. I now watch from a distance for at least a year. Making your getaway easier! Keep this in the back of your mind "It's too good to be true."
I get the broken promises. Now I would say to them "First you prove to me that you will keep your promise and then we will discuss if I come back or not!" Don't let your guard down or you will be right back at square one. Another habit they have is keeping secrets and then it all blows up in your face. You can't be in an equal partnership with somebody who likes to keep secrets. And the reason they like to keep secrets is that the secret will make them look bad. When the secrets come out and it's horrifying that too will get turned around on you it's always your fault and then the name-calling begins you are selfish you are negative Etc. You can't hold a mirror up to these people so smash the mirror and run for your life. I'd rather have seven years of bad luck than 7 years with another narcissist. First and foremost always value yourself.
...cannot be in any kind of partnership where equality matters. Narcissists think no one is their equal; they're always superior (in their mind).
@@SnarkasticSunny add rich celebrity as their title and it's even worst. At first I thought because they are a celebrity, that part of them was a defense mechanism against users, etc. Boy was I wrong! That's just who they are. Because I'm not a celebrity, I was about to accept their ways. But no, nobody should act that way. It's a very sad insecure person in my opinion. Somehow hurt by someone before me. Now hatred lives inside of them forever, and I had to walk away. Now they're trying to make me feel like I'm missing out on a fabulous lifestyle. He couldn't see that my life is already fabulous because he's not in it lol
What is a narcissist saying when they say they’re ready for love… what they’re saying is ‘I’m ready to be adored’. Truer words have never been said.
And served.
They are ready for adoration and servitude and offering you soul on a silver plate. It won't be enough, of course
Ever!!!@@mightymouse1005
oh
And on their terms, of course...
This was really eye opening and explains a lot of why you cannot have an adult conversation with a narcissist or any type of intimacy.
Arrested development
You’re right- unless you’ve been a victim you will never really know what it’s like. Part of the reasons healing from the abuse is so difficult is because no one else understands what it’s like including the therapists. The best therapist is a fellow victim!
True
I agree to a point. If they had handled story after story with ones in a narc sitch. I think one could see major patterns.
I think around 12 mins, they are saying they have not been hurt by a narcissist.
100% true.
I'm still suffering
Correct Mary. One would not understand the pain they inflic onto their victims. It is a head game that I could not play.
If there was a hopeless situation; this is it! If you're normal; RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Yep. Some things just can't be fixed. And this is one of those things.
They "love" a good doormat. Hold onto your authenticity and boundaries at all costs!!
Great advice, thanks for sharing
I’m in shock. I sent my husband your podcast and asked him to listen to it. This morning he came up to me asking if he could talk with me. He had tears in his eyes. He was the most sincere and sorry for abusing me. He literally said that he related to everything that was said and he has been abusive and narcissistic for 20 years of our very unstable marriage. He said he wants to change. He’s never admitted this. Sounded repentant.
I was quiet. I listened. Half forgiving. The other half says “ we’ll see
Please give us an update. I hope you're safe.
Stay vigilant. I pray everything works out for you and your husband.
Narcissistic individuals can be explained very simply. They only show interest in people, places, things and activities that in some way benefit them. There is nothing wrong with being interested in things that benefit you but it can’t be the only reason you have to “keep things around”.
You described it so perfectly.....so so perfectly.....I cannot see things/people around him that don't benefit him in some way....I question if there is anyone he gives a shit about, if they are not useful to him in some way, is he able to invite someone for coffee just to "catch up on life" without some form of keeping them around for later use. This makes me wonder what am I in his life also, but I have refused to do anything that he invited me to do with him as I feel I could be of use for him in some way, that's why I cannot have relationship with him....because I can no longer trust anymore. It is sad, he asked me do we really have to separate. I said I don't want to but I have to.
Also he used to tell me that "I miss HAVING YOU AROUND" when I asked him what does he miss about me after we broke up. How convenience. There is no genuine care about anything.
Dr Carter is soooo right about arrested development. Emotional development. After 35 years of marriage to someone (who told me he started drinking alcohol at 5 yrs old while serving drinks at his parents parties) I can attest to the truth of Dr Carter's comment. I've experienced financial abuse, emotional neglect and extreme subtle manipulation for decades. They will take and take, all while portraying to the world what a great person they are.
You're a prop for that portrayal. And yes they try to convince the world, but try even harder to convince themselves. I'm sorry you've endured this and hope it gets much better for your peace of mind and health.
Children Grow Up, and what they see, hear and feel during that time plays the future role they fill. Going to therapy instead of parties may not be as fun but the outcome last longer then the party. ❤
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 Two years younger than my bro. Cigars went with it.
Wrong assumption that they had to start learning, at some point. No K-6 = ∅, and Nada for 7th thru 12h Grade, too.
No Foundation. Just a Better Liar and Actor. + just as stupid as his "Know-Nothing" , Imposter prez!
And his big bro that made him that way. Dangerous people!
Yep yep...exactly....😢❤✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️💕💕
28 years for me and I see it clearly. Working through it. Healing and im at Peace.
Being with a narcissist for 36 years has left me paralyzed in all areas of my life.
Starting to think the best place on the internet to find real people capable of real love are in the comments sections of videos about Narcissism. So many stories, all sounding familiar.
What a sweet thing to say ♡. You're here too!
You’re so right. Most people genuinely don’t understand and end up painfully frustrating you into feeling alone. Tired of not being believed.
@@victoriaogunsanya9074 Yeah it's a tough position to be in. I got lucky and caught on early so I didn't get stuck. I feel bad for people who have them as parents or have been married, ect.
@@josh1800 married to one
@@victoriaogunsanya9074 So sorry to hear you're in that situation. I know for me once I learned more about their behavior I could make better sense of her and that brought some peace to me.
A lifetime of narcissist abuse it is truely soul destroying for and every family member 💔 😢
Love should be as simple as treating people how you want to be treated.
I feel like such a fool for believing to trust him over and over and over again.
He made sure I was a doormat. Every thing about me was used against me.
I’m am so grateful for hearing this today and letting the the tears just flow and receiving answers my heart can hear and receive too.
Well said. So glad this resonated with you, and may you find healing for your soul.
My father was a narcissist, and I know this sounds terrible, but it was such a relief when he passed.
I hope you know what I mean ❤
Absolutely.
I am so mentally exhausted. Thank you for this information as I continue to navigate this crazy world I got myself into. 😢
It is so validating to hear this conversation. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse (currently in the middle of a divorce with a narc husband of almost 20 years), and feeling alone and small is hitting the nail on the head. I have never felt validated, heard, seen by him. When I've brought up any issues or concerns, you are right... I learned to protect myself and keep them to myself out of fear of being shut down. I learned to close myself off emotionally and accepted that he will never change and doesn't understand that his actions and words are deeply hurtful. By the time I realized what was going on in our relationship, I was basically a slave. You said that they desire conformity, and that is exactly right. I have never felt loved by him. I have only felt used and alone. I am looking forward to working through all of the trauma and becoming a healthy person after this divorce.
You are speaking about the man I married....Same. spirit.😮
Yep. Hang in there and lots of lots of love. You are not alone!
Good on you.
Been there. Spot on. You go girl!!! Kudos to you!!!
Congratulations for making the move! I’ve written some of your exact words in my journaling. Be strong during your divorce process, healing is on its way ❤️
Who wants to work that hard with someone who doesn't have the capacity to change?
Let them work it out on their own without me. Don't waste your time on a narcissist. I lost many years on one like this.
I agree I wasted 50yrs. They never change and they always blame you. They even act all innocent if you call them out on something. Thanks for sharing as it helps us all to heal. 🥰
DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE ON THESE TOXIC PEOPLE!!
I'm 64 now and I truly regret trying to love these toxic people...my beautiful life wasted
I've seen people itid seventies walk awWy
It can be hard when it’s both your parents. ❤️🩹
When my narc and I were in counseling, me with my regular councilor and him with a few session and testing with his, he said to me one day,” I don’t want to change, I don’t want to do the work, I like the way things are.” I thought “ It’s killing me”. That was one of the last straws, I left shortly after!
"*I'm sure you do* want things to remain the way they are!" What an ass!
My husband narcissist told me he wouldn't change ever,never,ever.
They only care about themselves.
16 years with the “creep”. He beat, insulted me constantly fell into jealous rages and he was the cheat. They are very very broken people. Run away as fast as you can. Because when you leave, it’s dangerous as hell.
I met a guy 1yr ago who was exceptionally smart, funny, always concerned about doing the right thing and helpful. He was love bombing me. However he was also in a mental health crises, drinking too much, suicidal and in therapy. We started having coffee. He saw me as a leader who easily engaged others and he decided to learn how to make friends from me. He became very popular. He told me he had never been in love but married 20 yrs. He was very immature; I thought it was cute at times. After 6 months he started to pull himself together and then I got suspicious when I saw him playing the victim, triangulation,mirroring, blaming, avoiding conflict, people pleasing. I started to set boundaries and expectations. When I told him my BD was coming up (he was overseas) I didn’t hear from him. So I said goodbye.
I hoped he was serious about therapy but I got the impression that he was “performing” new skills and not really internalizing changes. Unfortunately, I fell in love so now I am in therapy. Not too much damage done but I’m glad I discovered these videos. Not much support out there for survivors of narcissism.
I don’t think narcissists misunderstand anything. They have a different definition of love. To them love means they can totally control and abuse another person. It’s all about them and getting what they want.
It’s us normals, it’s so foreign, we can’t even conceive of that interpretation of love.
They definitely do have a different definition than most of us.
There’s no other interpretation of love.. what you described is not love or even a version of love. Love is patient, Love is Kind, Love is gentle.
@@skychanges9197 to a narcissist love is all the things you mentioned, but to themselves only. They couldn’t care less about anybody else!
If you put them first they’ll put you first in their plans but this is not self sacrifice of them it’s self sacrifice of you they simply don’t believe in doing it for others only themselves
@@AnnaMishel actually they are actually able to show to every other human being except their spouse and children (apart from favourite children they use in triangulation)
This exactly explains my husband. Like the crying woman said, I'm exhausted. He can't communicate, he stone walls, he gets angry. He can talk about himself all day long and tell me what to do. He's incapable of having an in depth conversation. He's never wrong, he knows everything about everything. I'm saving this to replay. Thank you so much and i look forward to the next video.
I can relate to this conversation so much. Just two days ago I tried so hard to get my narc husband to hear what I had to say about his hurtful, cruel Behavior. His response was "well, I don't see it that way". And let me tell you the situation I'm referring to is so hurtful there is nobody that couldn't see it my way
Yes, lack of empathy and unwillingness to see things from another's perspective are a common characteristic of narcissists.
❤
Yes! Mine would say I’m sorry YOU feel that way. As if it were my fault for FEELING
They don’t think they have to understand you ..
So true. I'm learning to not emotionally react anymore. Yet, we'll see how long I can do it. I watch Crappy Childhood Fairy on YT to learn everything I can about my trauma and have healed some. This helps me separate from the trauma bond little by little. Sorry for your experiences. 🙏🏼 You can control the amount of healing you receive for yourself. ❤️
Excellent job. Married to a covert narcissist. In the process of divorce. I have implemented a TPO.. temporary restraining order and I am going no contact. I feel my soul returning after having been captured by a demonic spirit. My God is merciful in sending the Holy Comforter to save His child from the Satanic ways of a narcissistic husband. I am stronger and wiser. A Lesson has been taught to me and the Father allowing me to be in the Valley for a while for my greater purpose speaks to my soul. I am grateful.🙏🙏❤️❤️💯
Tpo work if their not obsessed mine said toe it's just a piece of paper. And broke it several times. Cops still really did nothing. He lied so well he was a conartist
Praying for your healing. ❤️🩹 YAH BLESS!
They have absolutely no idea what love is. Being a Christian, love is defined as I Corinthians 13 states…love is patient, love is kind, love does not demand its own way etc. I have come to believe personally and through listening to Dr Ramani and Dr Carter that those with narcissistic traits or NPD do not change. They don’t have the ability or know how to change. It’s quite pitiful actually. I left my 22 year marriage and relationship last year after years of gaslighting, victimhood mentality, condescension and dismissal. That along with a years long porn addiction and I was just done. I have so much peace in my life now. I didn’t even know it existed. I hope that anyone involved with a narc will at least be able to keep them at arms length or maybe leave them. There is life beyond their abuse ❤❤
Glad you are out from the abuse. They definitely do not have a desire to change on their own, but in some cases when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change, or something they value is taken away, or they hit rock bottom, they are forced to rethink whether what they are doing is working for them. Sometimes it takes a breakdown to have a breakthrough.
Your absolutely right they don't know anything about love. My narc watched porn as well. He was married to his alcohol then his dog then his computer, I said to him where do I fit in. I had 50yrs of this. Didn't know what was going on. Control was the first thing we cane to Australia newly weds I was 21yrs he was 24yrs. He got me away from friends and family. They are toxic. I'm so glad someone put me on to these channels. Thanks for sharing. 😍🥰
Yes,the man I was married to and with 7 year's..married me only for money tried to take my house from me..when he couldn't..and I knew what he was trying to do...I TOLD him.ive lost respect for you. She left me,got married to another 6months later,SHE LEFT HIM. KARMA
I bet most are porn addicted. Anyone else experience these addictions. From them
@@helenduffy6642sad but we're human slavery supply unless. Better comes at them then drop us like a hot potatoes. But we were really better
It's mind boggling to realize neither one of these Docs have narcissism in their lives yet care enough to study it so thoroughly as if their love life depended on understanding it. It's definitely a win for us who find ourselves in these situations. What an excellent collab♡
These channels have been a life saver. Helping you understand gaslighting,manipulation and control. My narc nearly destroyed me. Thank you for sharing.
🎉They’ve had lots of experience with those demon filled people🎉 So they do what they can to protect themselves. 🙏🏾
ones who can say see about this subject are the victims NPD survivors, ones who are arm chair therapists , from hand on experiences !!!! keep in mind anyone can be npd teachers family anyone doctors .. one point when wake up you can see em coming . that's how you know .. see feel the abuse that you think it was all normal .your body feelings are information.. they lack emotions NPD . Dr ramini is a good teacher , an the actual nps talk about it on u tub .
I think Dr Lee was with a narcissist before.
I know 2 narcissist well
I have NEVER seen them have a good day.....
No complaints and simple gratitude. If you ask how my day went...most days, I say "I had a GOOD day" it wasn't a perfect day but I CHOSE to have a good day.
The narcissist will give a list of nonsense why their day was so bad
The narcissist i dated for 5 years used to tell me every few days. "You don't know what love is." I quickly Ruggiero out that he's the one who doesn't understand love. I still love him and want the best for him, though since i found Dr C's channel 7 years ago I've come to terms with the fact that his best situation is not tied to me.
P.S.: I have bromantic feelings towards Dr C too!
At this point I mostly just can't believe that I have allowed someone to bring me to the brink of almost loosing myself, doubting myself and cause almost irreparable damage... I'm not a stupid person but I am very naive and overly trusting... I'm finally out after 3 years of constant abuse, and I'm thriving, not just surviving
Sounds like narcissism is an excuse for refusing to take responsibility for and accountability for narcissists own evil intent against truth!
You nailed it, we even call it the "responsibility disorder"
Precisely!!
Nobody is USING their narcissism to excuse their behavior. 99.9% of narcs don’t think they are narcs. Which makes total sense since they can’t self reflect.
Trump isn’t saying (or thinking) “I can do whatever I want because of my narcissism”.
Absolutely true and transparent statement…no accountability for any of their actions…NEVER!!!
I would love to know if Dr C has these 5 steps written in a book or program somewhere????
I wish the host had not kept interrupting Dr. Carter. I love Dr. Carter but this is the first time I’ve seen a video by this host.
Dr. Carter is the man. I wish I had friends like him: down-to-Earth masculine guy but in tune with emotions, respecting others and not taking crap from narcissistic people. I've never seen the host's videos before but he did a great job and threw in some great points and questions.
Thanks for your feedback. And may you be that respectful, emotionally attuned masculine man, and the friend someone else needs.
1000 percent. I’m so happy your wife has you as a husband
@@drdavidbhawkins ❤ emotional intelligence is always unmatched! ❤
The Boz Scaggs of psychology. Eternally cool and kind.
Dr. Carter is a one in a million. After 37 years of marriage and 8 counselors later, the topic of narcissism had never been broached. Only after my own personal research, did I find Dr. Carter and the pieces of the mind-playing puzzle of a narcissist come to light. He is one of the first who helped me understand what I was dealing with.
I was so excited when he agreed to couple counseling. Which day? “Whatever works for you. I’m not going, you’re the one with the problem “ 😭
Here is a video you may find helpful. What To Do When Your Spouse Refuses Counseling: th-cam.com/video/O0Q_In9nKKI/w-d-xo.html
He doesn't want to be found out
I was that female that just cried. I was so worn out as I kept just losing myself. I finally got that this will be my life. I had great relief afterwards. My mind was mush, but after three years out, I'm doing so much better. Thank you so much
So glad to hear you are out from under the abuse and are living free now. Thanks for sharing.
🙏🌈
My children saw tears stream down my face. Mine were sneaky hidden covert abusers. So the children never saw the worst of what I emotionally endured. Find someone who truly knows what love can be.
It also helps to start doing things you enjoy. Whatever you like, art, cooking, sports, travel, whatever- do those things. Have fun without your narcissist. Rebuild your own life.
Ah I know how you feel but healing will take time....alot of therapy! Alot of God all of it
I think Narcissism is spiritual...
It runs deep.They are so false and empty.😣😫😮
I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years around 8 months ago and have been really struggling to trust women again, especially when it comes to getting close for a different relationship.
My relationship started out great. I thought I finally found my person. She was curious about me, asked all sorts of questions about me and my family, would do things for me. There were certain things I noticed that raised my ears, but I disregarded them. Examples include going over to a friends for a get together and not be with her (even though she left for work in an hour) and asking for free shots from guys and giving them her number. After about a year we moved in together and it literally felt like it changed overnight. She didn’t even have the same glare in her eyes. She felt cold. Would lay there like a brick if I tried to give her a hug. I could feel myself lose my confidence and push even harder to gain her love. She would call me names, tell me she would “rather be with some guy with tats”, would call me a pussy for telling her these things hurt. The craziest thing is from ab outside perspective I totally would be like FUCK THAT, but when it’s happening to you it’s a different story. That little “cute” girl was so different on the inside and the worst part is, she wouldn’t show it to anyone but me, which also made me feel like I’m the problem which is why I stayed for longer than I should have. I finally said enough is enough when I became very depressed and suicidal. I started therapy and left the relationship. I’ve felt my confidence shoot back and can say that I am happy again. The only issue I have is trusting to go that extra step to become closer to women. I shut myself off to protect myself.
Betrayal and emotional abuse trauma makes it nearly impossible to trust anyone, even yourself. Glad to hear you are in therapy, healing is possible and we wish you the best. Thanks for sharing.
i understand. stayed with an abusive ex gf for 5 years. the entire time i knew it was absurrd crazy, but 'friendds' didnt see it. like you, we dated for a year, then i bought us an apart and she changed 100% used my money, wouldnt help out, physically abusive, called me dumb, stupid, said other girls were out of my league...you know its wrong but in the moment you cant escape...cant call the cops..'ill tell them, you have weed!' after my sister and mom were the same way, then her, i honestlty dont trust people anymore, physically. hate being touched, admired, flirted with.
My bf is same way. These narcs are callous, manipulative, blameshifting , cold hearted broken people. I pray that you meet someone who loves you deeply.
Ditto
The same with my ex boyfriend. The coldness,..it was like I was hugging a wall. Used to provoke me to get a reaction and start a flight.. and he constantly said in the beginning how he hated conflicts and wanted love and peace...so confusing. And very hard now to trust someone else again.
16:42 - "If you would just do everything I want we'll be okay."
The problem with that statement is the fact that those parameters/rules keep changing. It's exhausting trying to keep up. There have been times I told him to stop acting like a little kid! No, it did not do a bit of good. I have to walk away...
Called constantly moving goalposts!
I am a permanent listener of Dr. Carter and have survived several times with his practical suggestions
They want , food, maid, free life no responsibility, they only sound normal when they talk to other people on the phone, rest of the time, it’s drama anger and completely clueless, and it’s never their fault, you get slandered and called abuser to their flying monkeys, you don’t know, they give crumbs
Wow, it’s as if you are living in my house!! 😂
You forgot sex on demand without any effort to emotionally connect when sex is not going on
Dr. Carter is an amazing human being!
Their consciousness simply doesn't go beyond how things affect them and how they feel which they usually can't even identify
It's difficult living with this behavior.😮 God help us all. Thank you gentlemen.👍
It’s actually soul wrenching. As someone who is naturally a happy positive see the best jn everyone kind of person it’s quite sad knowing most of these people don’t want to and will never change.
I married a narcissist, we lived together at my house for a short time, I told him I couldn't take it, he had to go to his house, he loves to argue, I'm so glad I know what the problem is I felt so bad, blamed myself, for not wanting to live with him. Tks. For sharing. Prayers for you.
I think that they intermittently abandon their ego during the love bombing stage so that they can immerse themselves into their victims.
In couples therapy when I shared how I felt hurt, my husband apologised to the therapist for wasting her time....😢😮
WHAT an a$$hole. I'm sorry that happened to you. You definitely deserve better❣🙏
@@theosaka69 thank you. There are lots of other things. I should be walking out the door. Am afraid of causing the family home to be sold and moving forward with my life.
If he is committed to being a miserable asshole he is wasting eveverything all the time. If I was the therapist that would have been a teaching moment. ❤
Thank you both Dr Hawkins & Dr Carter for this informative episode. The daily life of living with narcissist is numbing to your soul. The loneliness and damage that one individual can put upon another is extremely detrimental to one's well-being. The emotional neglect, abuse and sabotage continues until you learn that you are a good person who deserves a much better life than the one that you are in.
Ty for this video. I now understand why I would feel like his roomate/mother but never like a wife. That would produce zero sex appeal on my behalf..
Brilliant and insightful. Very well orchestrated and easy to follow, yet touching all the nuances profoundly. I’m a doctor with 45 years experience and a recent narcissistic abuse victim. Have heard many speakers, but the two I f you are in a rare league, Dr Ramani being another favourite of mine. Between the three of you fine people you’ve really helped rescue me from the pain and sadness i went through. God bless you all.
Thank you for your feedback. We are so glad to hear you have found healing for what you went through. God Bless.
Dr.Sam V.is very good also
Me, too! You said it so well! Thank God for all of the therapists whom I’ve found via the TH-cam venue, then via reading their insightful books! It’s been a wild day for me! This video was better than whatever I would have consciously chosen, yet the truth is, it popped up at this perfect moment. God has heard my prayers today! He is so good to me! God bless you both! ❤❤❤
For the record to all those following this conversation. When I proposed marriage to my wife I proposed we each have engraved inside our wedding rings the words cherish, nurture, preserve and protect. They are the biblical and practical essence of a robust and lasting love. However, what I discovered after two years in the marriage is that in order for those words to be an agreed binding between ourselves, we each needed to be able to receive cherishing, nurturing, preserving and protecting. Discovering that she was unable to receive love was the final signal that I had married a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Pouring love on her was like pouring my life down a hole in the ground. And conversely she possessed no capacity to deliver cherishing, nurturing, preserving or protecting. The singular goal she exhibited was to cherish, nurture, preserve and protect self and self alone. Twenty years of it. Dear mother of God what a fool am I. I thought those words were understood. I had no idea I had married a woman with her emotional development arrested at about age 10. No amount of love poured on such people can transform them. The arrested emotional development is locked in.
Love is a game to win for a Narcissist.. They are cruel and when they start losing a game you didn't know you're playing they throw you away
They have no idea what unconditional love really is.
This describes my spouse 110%. She’s cruel, mean and that how she rolls. She calls the shots, if there’s any dissendence whatsoever the fall out is off the chart 33:50
I totally understand the person that is still married with children. They will refuse to leave. They will leave when they want to, not when you want to because it is all about control. They will try to do everything in their power to hurt you. I too have tried very hard to find the way to make it easier, but it has been extremely difficult. I sympathize.
Dr. Carter is simply amazing. He truly is.
These men are truly a gift. I feel so seen and understood by them.
I have never in my life heard word "selfish" spoken repeatedly, as with a narc that I was dating for few months. He loved that word, and if I refused to do something he would call me "selfish"🤦♀️And he was the selfish and selfcentered one🤦♀️
Awe yes the famous. Projection onto you
Yes, that's what my 33 year narc said when I kicked him out of my house 9 months ago. I am selfish when he was living under my roof seeing other women. I left him once for 10 years and he came back saying he had changed but he is the very same person. I am expected to live with his infeldelty and that I am not his mama to tell him what to do or not do. To a narc, there is no social boundaries. Their partner have to just tolerate all their garbage.
I am called that too,among other obscene words.
@@Cherry-kt8zo Run, run as fast as you can.
Yup.
Same here.
So, so good and well explained. Appreciate you both. Great examples of what empathy is. Saying "I love you" isn't the same as being actively empathetic and physically caring. ❤
Thanks, Docs. We survivors are in such need of help after being, as you so rightly put it, "deeply shattered." We are so grateful for your learned knowledge. Thank you for your forum here and for offering this assistance.
Thank you for your feedback and glad you found it helpful
Dr. Carter is a very patient man during this interview.
I've been dealing with a break up from my abusive/neglectful narcissist parents and abusive narcissist brother. My parents refused to address the abuse I suffered at his or their hands. When I confronted them about it, my feelings were minimized, and I was gaslit into "letting go" and "forgiving" them rather than being allowed to work through anything. My silence is more important to them than my healing. But I wouldn't just shut up, so I no longer fit their narrative that we have a healthy family, and I have been exiled.
I realized I've been doing some of the same passive aggressive, self-righteous things they did, pointing out their flaws to those around me to get people on my side. They're already out of my life, but now they're talking about me to the extended family, acting confused and painting themselves as victims. I thought I was trying to preserve my reputation, but it really is a control thing (and maybe a little bit of revenge). I have to remember that I can't and shouldn't want to control other people. And revenge really is a sword that cuts both ways. I should just let go. Strength through surrender. The only person I can fix is myself. Watching this conversation made me realize that I still have some distance to go.
Your gonna do well.
Your on the right track ❤ right entent
It’s hard. I feel you .. this situation is tough. Hold on to you ❤
Emotional laziness versus Emotional intelligence.
My mother is mean, ruthless, demanding, and controlling. My cousin thinks that my mother gossips about me and other people in order to be the center of attention. The more outrageous the gossip the more people attracted to her. I told my cousin I often felt uncomfortable around some of my relatives because they looked at me with disgust and were rude to me. And when I left, I finally felt at ease. My cousin told me, my mother kept talking bad about me, I just wasn't there to hear it or feel it. I told my cousin leaving the family was good for me. It gave me a chance to meet new people who knew me as I am. And not through what my mother told them about me. I got to know my own worth as a person.
My mother's habitual gossip and story telling, is just one of many things that's so dysfunctional about my mother. She's a bully. With the help of her friends/enablers, my mother locked up some of her co-workers in the bathroom. Another time she got arrested for beating up a woman at the laundry mat. She often beat me too as a child and already grown up, because she could.
Trump reminds me of my mother. They are so similar. I just don't understand why people are so willing to enable narcissist, even when they know they're doing bad things to others. If narcissists didn't have those enablers, they would not be so bold. They're not stupid. They just play dirty games because they get away with it and the person who calls them out is the one who suffers the consequences of their actions. Not the narcissist.
I realize there are many narcissists in different degrees in the world. I prefer to avoid people as much as possible. My mother is very nice to people, so when I tell them what she's really like they don't believe me. So, I realize there are also people who just like my mother appear to be nice, but are not. And I don't want to get to know them. I've already dealt with one narcissist too many.
@MummyOXO I am not making a political statement. I'm simply stating the fact that my mother, whom I have known all my life and Trump's personality are very similar.
I am so familiar with that personality, that I have been able to predict Trump's responses to certain situations, which surprise people. My mother is a malignant narcissist and so is Donald Trump. Read the book by several psychologists warning of his condition. It's not political it's his mental disorder that they are concerned about. 'The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President'.
Thank you Dr Hawkins and thank you Dr Carter. Your videos have been such a huge part of my healing process, and I’m sure it’s similar for many others. I just think of all those people in the past, no support like this, and not realising what they were dealing with. I feel so privileged and fortunate. My life is so much better, much thanks to you, what a gift you are to humanity. Thank you ! ❤❤
Thank you for your feedback and we are overjoyed to hear that you have found healing.
I think narcissists missed the Mr. Rogers Show when they were young. Those are the basic lessons they missed.
My x always said," you know I love you more than life itself I'd lay my love down for you"
Meanwhile threatening to hurt me and being a hairline away from killing me on the regular...
Shot 3 bullets round my head after I left for exposure before I knew what "exposure" or narcissism even was. 😮
Sex addiction is not love without genuine Intimacy
Intimacy anorexia! Dr Doug Weiss
Dr Hawkins, I have recently read your book, “When loving him is hurting you, it was an incredible breath of fresh air in my life. I’ve been married to my husband for 28 yrs. He fits all of the descriptions of a narcissist. I think he has been malignant for the first years, until ten years ago when I began to have some boundaries. I was I’ll a lot, depressed, bullied, I had no self confidence left. I am getting the support of dear friends, and just trying to gain myself back. My faith in Jesus is what has saved me over and over. Thankyou Dr. Hawkins!❤️🙏🏻
The support and boundaries are absolutely critical to healing! You are on the right path. We have many videos on healing, here's one we hope will help: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
I am deeply shattered by a narcisst and feel like if I don't get out I will be forever broken
The wounds run deep but healing is possible. Here's a video we hope can be helpful: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Everything that is being said and discussed in such exposing depth of what it was like being married to that monster of two years and even the somewhat ongoing crazy interactions with SGB!
Again my heart is breaking from love being so mutilated, mangled and as far to say murdered to such destruction.
God please help me heal.
God please help me let go.
God please help me with the hurt and yes anger and devastation from utter betrayal and discarded like I didn’t even exist as a human being.
God please help me in the direction you want me to go.
And God please help me forgive for myself.
I am afraid this pain of staying in this hurt is yes at times unbearable.
Love never had to be this way.
There is no need to figure it out anymore.
God just help me move forward in courage and forgiveness and to see within my soul again my worth to you God.
Here are some videos that we hope can help you begin to heal:
Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist:
th-cam.com/play/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz.html
Watching this confirms im married to a narcissist. My ex husband was a grandiose narc. My current is covert and a mommas boy with and unhealthy emotional attachment almost like emotional incest. It hurts because i found myself back here. Its lonely, i do feel unseen and unheard. When i try to explain how i feel, im gaslit and it becomes all about him. Its like he hijacks the conversation and its about him now. Forget how i feel. It sucks because you love them and hope for change but that never happens.
We have many videos on healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. We hope they help you find your path of healing.
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
Spouse Won't Go To Counseling!
What Are My Options?
th-cam.com/video/O0Q_In9nKKI/w-d-xo.html
Finding Healing (Sharmen)
th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
My narc soon to be ex husband said to my expression towards his hurtful words and behavior: “that’s not valid.” Ultimate narc dismissive mess and devaluation!
Dr. Les Carter is someone that I respect, thank you. I had a husband who had a very abusive up bringing from his step father and mother, she was a total doormat All of his past was woven into our marriage. We, my sons and I were on the receiving end of his past. There was no end to his behavior, including his barging about being unfaithful. For our well being, I had no choice but to leave with our boys, it was the hardest heartbreaking thing that I have ever done. He has tried to come back, but it would be more of the same. The answer is no.
I have listened to many, many of your videos , Dr Carter and have gained so much understanding and help in healing. I must say this is one of my favorites as it puts the whole picture in a nutshell!! Right on the money in my experience. Thank you for humbly and compassionately continuing to grow, learn and teach others. Thank you for letting God use you to minister to so many. Blessings to you and yours!
My (ex) narc mirrored empathy by treating me exactly as he did his employees. He asked about my day in a completely unconcerned, in empathetic manner. There was rarely any real emotional connection, especially the longer his (secret) porn addiction was his first & highest priority
Glad you can recognize the difference, and hope you are in a better place now.
My ex wife wanted me to get what she was saying in 5 minutes but I wanted to continue to speak about it because I always felt there was more than to the situation, her feelings were more important than mine all the time.
Dr David is so right describing Dr C as being such a delightful human being. You can just tell he is authentic. I love these podcasts between these two. Thank you doctors, for your discussion . Very enlightening. You seem to have a very good chemistry together
Thanks for your feedback and glad you found it helpful.
I agree with you both. Narcissists are profoundly immature. Like a child, they cannot see beyond their own needs.
You two guys talking about this topic in this manner/format was so much fun! I deeply enjoyed it. I could listen to y’all go on indefinitely. You should start a podcast together!! Epic chemistry and energy. Brilliance galore. Omg more more more 🙏🙏🙏😆🤪🙌✌️❤️!!!
This is so wonderful, these two men get it, the right way to live. There’s hope got the world, after all! Thanks, Docs!
This was an amazing online interview to listen to. Having these two men discuss Narcissist helps me personally to feel very relieved about going no contact with the Narcissist my family meet. We are able to become extremely united as a family and move on with our lives. Meeting a toxic person was a very difficult experience to look back on. Personally I feel one thousand percent better now.
I’m so glad you found peace
So glad to hear you are better now. Thanks for sharing.
Dr. C, because of your presentations, I expect I shall never again over-look meanness toward me. I had not known what a red flag it is! Thank you!
Unconditional love narcissist don’t have I have never felt the same love that I give back. 23 years together 18 years married. 3 years ago spiritual awakening waited a year before I said anything to see if he would but I’m crazy. The past 2 years we have argued more than ever. He wants me to pick him over anything I’m not playing along I told him God gave me life he can take it away so God is first. Twists everything back on me my fault. Just love isn’t enough for him controlling in everything sex is not love with him. Thank you both. ❤ it so does. 2 kids together so hard but I love myself more than he loves me cause I know I need the right love.❤
Self love is absolutely critical to your healing. Keep seeking information to help you heal. Here is a video you may find helpful to get you started:
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
@@drdavidbhawkins thank you so much for everything you are sharing and caring.❤️to all
These talks are wonderful as I didn't know anything about Narcissists and their behaviour until 18 months ago. Even gaslighting and manipulation I had never heard these words. Thank for your help.
Thanks to you both from the land down under.
I think that Team Healthy & Mad In Love have come together to create a cohesive understanding of what it means to live with these tormented souls that do so much damage in our world.
This is what bromanship OR more succinctly support & relationships are about.
Not only are you collectively helping us, but showing us the way..
A humble thankyou & I'll **walk** a little more in peace..❤
Such a relief to hear this, that validation.... I felt utterly destroyed, like i wasnt even a human after an 11 year relationship with a narcissist. We tried couple counselling and at the assessment the counsellor saw me, heard me...said he was the one that needed therapy, which he didnt follow through. That was pribs the beginning of me finding my way out. 5 years out, he is still getting in my head, playing games, as we are co parenting.
In a co-parenting situation, boundaries are critical. Thanks for sharing. Here's a video you may find helpful: th-cam.com/video/Q0qI5QjbWTA/w-d-xo.html
Les Carter saves lives ❤️
I understand that first hand
What a beautifully intelligent and informative discussion.
Thanks for your feedback and glad you found it helpful
I think I went out with a narcissist for 3 years, she was like a jekyll and hyde character.
I’m so relieved to hear you say how confusing narcissism is. I suspect it, but I’m too close to this person and not sure.
Subscribed.
Thank you for so many great points. We need to arm ourselves with more info to be able to protect ourselves from narcs. I grew up with raging narc father, so in adulthood it was difficult to know what love is and what is tolerable in relationship, and what is uneccaptable. Every guy was still not as bad as my father, so I was tolerating them to no end, even if they were bad. Now I am single, and free, happy, in love with life. It is amazing to be free and love yourself if your love wasn't appreciated and you felt lonely in a relationship for years.
A fascinating interview with a narcissist interviewer about narcissistic behaviours of others, trying to distance himself from his own narcisstic behaviours. Elegant responses by Dr Carter...well done
You need to explain what you just said
Do u know this person and what narcissistic traits did u notice in him
Thanks
I happily found this 12 days after it was broadcast. I appreciate the insight so much of the 5 steps of relationship. It answered so much gray area for me.
Glad you found it helpful! Thanks for your feedback.
Memnoon is true, authentic, and genuine, beautiful Love. Memnoon means when you can't tell the difference between the giver and the receiver because they are both so very happy. Love without wisdom is neither loving nor wise. Love alone is not enough. Tuff Love is enough, or as a child says,"WUV," WISE LOVE! I Wuv you all very much!🙂❤
Just left my narcissist husband a week ago. Its such a long process to understand and recover. This video was helpful in understanding and realizing im not alone. I have felt alone for a very long time.
For me the worst part is that they all really don’t care, on any meaningful level, about you and your feelings. The spectrum of narcissism is vast!
Just outstanding. Exactly my experience. It's comforting on some level and so sad on many others.
My two favorite guys. I agree completely, Dr. Carter is a delightful human being.
Thanks for watching and glad you found it helpful!
The best usage of the word "bromance" I've ever encountered
Love and follow Dr. Carter! When on a blind date, my future husband told the matchmaker, he could "go for a girl like me". Little did I know he was already sizing me up for what I could do for him. Based on my experience, the only way a narcissist CAN change, is if he is WILLING to change and by definition that is not a part of his operating system.
Wonderful conversation! There are so many narc videos but this one had a lot of poignant thoughts articulated! Thank you!
Oh gosh! This is so helpful! I tried to model a healthy response and was accused of being controlling. I would say this how to tell me your upset without disrespect. He would say I have no right to tell him which words to use
IMO, if you haven’t been deeply wounded/affected by a narcissist, you are not qualified to heal one through it. This is the inherent problem with the modern medical field/psychology and psychiatry… it’s too in the box. Human trauma is spiritual in nature and requires you to be a spiritual warrior.
Yes, we agree there is definitely a spiritual element to the brokenness of our humanity. Thanks for your comment