One Word That Neutralizes A Critic
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ส.ค. 2021
- Some people have such a compulsion to criticize that they simply cannot stop themselves. It's what they do. Dr. Les Carter poses the question: "How can you respond in such a way that you are not laid low by your critics?" He focuses on one word that can greatly diminish their negative impact upon your quality of life, and in doing so, encourages you to find your steadiness despite the critic's lack of inner peace.
Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 41 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has presented many workshops and seminars.
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In a powerstruggle the one that wins is the person that let's go of the rope.
Exactly
Comment of the year
Sometimes a person is critical because they were criticized as children. Many times people can’t see what is so obvious to others. That was me. My son kindly informed me I was critical. I instantly denied it because I did not want to be like my mother. However, I love my children so I prayed about it. That night, I was mortified as I recognized he was right. I apologized and immediately set out to change by substituting criticism with encouragement. It took a long time but I was overjoyed when my daughter said, “You’ve changed.”
What did you do to change? My mother is very critical and I notice I became the same way. Please help!
My mother was a constant critic, and my Dad would say, "You're right." Then she'd get mad, saying that he didn't really mean that. Then he'd say, "You're right, " again, and she'd just give up. LOLOL
Your dad nailed It! Too funny...
😂
@@DavenportBarr that's what needs to be said great!!
😂👍
😂🤣😅🤣🤣😂😂
They're not interested in good character, integrity, honesty or compatibility; only superiority.
We had a building captain that turned into a building KING. He began trying to control everyone and everything. One day he actually left a note on my door informing me I had reinserted the lint trap screen in the dryer upside down and better not do it again. Instead of getting upset with him, I started smiling at him every time he began telling me what I should do and told him very slowly, " thank you for providing me with that information." It made him get more upset and eventually when he saw he was not having any effect on me he stopped interacting with me. later I was fishing on the beach when a resident came along and began telling me I needed to leave the beach and go to the crowded fishing pier a mile away. The beach was almost empty with not a person in the water. I was breaking no rules. I told him thank you for telling me that information and smiled and he got mad and left me alone. It really does work. In the future, though I will just shorten it to OK. but be sure to smile.
Lol thats a good one. I ll write this down in my notebook i have a special notebook where i write down useful info and thank u. And i ll make sure i smile 😁
It’s also saying “I am free - you don’t control me “
These people are immature
"I don't really feel the need to argue; you already have your mind made up anyway." This feels like a thought I want to keep handy. I think it could really help me avoid the defensive urge.
So true!!
My partner hears that as a challenge.
@@marthadawson8954 Maybe, like me, you could use it without saying it. A thought to keep you from getting sucked into another bitter exchange. I'm feelin with ya :~)
@@childcrone A good suggestion - thank you.
-"Boost their self-esteem at your expense. To establish their superiority...
- "OK!"
So very much true.
Thank you, Dr Carter.
The version of “okay” I learned is “perhaps you’re right.” It often gets a rise out of the narcissist.
I like “whatever.” But I see how “ok” is much more neutral.
With my mother-in-law, I learned to just say “ok” and then do whatever I wanted. Otherwise, she’d keep push, push, pushing.
I responded to a relative with a crazy politically questionable story with : “That’s funny, good thing it’s not true!” Silence.
Narcissists are so scary.
Harmonizing doesn’t mean the same thing as conforming! I love that, I am free to be me . Thank you Dr. Carter.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Instead of playing Tug of War, let go of the rope.
Couldn't agree more!
Dead on correct!!✔️🖤
Good one
Thank you. Years of being triggered by this constant criticism is a hard habit to break. I'm working on it with your help.
me too
Easy peasy to get triggered by this. A lot of us are working on stopping other triggers too. Then this issue of triggering comes up. Good comment you made.
HaHa! As a mother, it’s hard to let go of even the most well adjusted, best achievement of my life, although I’m well aware my adult child made good choices is why he’s more successful than I am. STILL I feel the need to give him advice not to do as I’ve done in certain situations. Okay. Hopefully he’s aware it’s bc I love him bc one overbearing parent is enough! THIS video hit home, so thank you. I’ll try to keep my opinions to myself & just enjoy the times we have together now that I’m retired bc I’m very proud of him and have made sure to tell him this.
My mild mannered husband has a wonderful, effective response. He smiles and answers “You could be right.” Works every time!
My version is "your not wrong but I or he or she depending on situation still may be right"...it takes a minute to really think that out and often is good enough because most people are smart enough to realize there are more than one way to do things even if one is better for one person it is not for another. If it doesn't work then it has nothing to do with the issue at hand and is deeper problem probably
ALANON
Genius
I spent 3 days training at a new to me station with my trainer. Everything she said to me I wrote down and said "ok". On the the 3rd day she criticised my handwriting and stated that I was argumentative and that I cannot take criticism. I said "ok, all I've done was try my best" ( to get the system down as she was teaching me.) Later I called supervisor and he also said I was argumentative and don't take "help" well. I was truly baffled. I was on my own the following week and both had totally changed attitude. All nicey nice. IDK wtf happened over the weekend. I did do the job all week above and beyond their expectations, and now they are treating me "ok". So sometimes NOTHING you say or don't say, pleases people or get them off your case. Just remember, you don't have to agree or fight to be heard. Actions are best way to prove yourself. Let them and their words bounce off. Taking ut personally will hurt you and that's their goal for some reason. That's on them. Stay balanced and open to learning. Do your best. If its still not enough, go elsewhere. Your vacancy will be enough.
oja I know this situation, have often experienced this mysterious behavior. A team is only as good as its individual members. More and more people are simply taking advantage of their position.
That's so odd. I tend to not trust people who change from black to white & / or then back again with no explanation or rationale. They seem unstable & untrustworthy. I have a sister who is very Jeckyl/Hyde and now I tend to just stay away from her. Contact is mainly limited to discussing our very elderly mother. When Mom dies, I will most likely have no, or extremely limited contact.
Yes, ok could be taken as agreement.
@@patriciastewart2537 I would rather say it is an agreement to the pragmatic dimension of the statement since everybody is allowed to say what he or she thinks. Now it is necessary to abstract consistently from this pragmatic view and to measure the consequences of this statement against its semantic spectrum of meaning - how a narcissist governs when confronted with the meaning analysis of his statements must then be examined. And, if necessary, to have a hopefully quick-witted discussion with him or her if necessary for you. If not, then say ok once more.
@@frau_ic When people say "ok," absent any obvious sarcasm, it's generally understood to mean agreement.
My ex used to constantly tell me I had "broken trust" and that I needed to live a "lifestyle of repentance" to atone for my failures. I used to plead my case with her, of course to no avail. The last time we had any conversation at all was during the divorce proceedings and I went to the house to get my stuff. She demanded I take things I didn't want so I wouldn't "accuse her later in court"...etc. I told her I had no such intentions and she said, "I don't believe you." For the first time in 37 years, I didn't even look at her, smiled to myself and said, "yeah...I know." She said no more. It's sad I didn't do that 30 years earlier.
“Lifestyle of repentance” she basically wanted you to live on your knees under her control using God as a weapon. Those are wild words. I’m glad you left.
@@Jaz31day I felt like I had no choice.
What Jazmine said! Dr. C
I’m sorry that you endured that. I’m glad to hear that you’re out now. You deserve better treatment.
@@anaphylaxis2548 thanks.
I also like to say: “ that’s one way of looking at it, interesting.” I haven’t agreed or triggered an argument. It really makes them look bad if they deny openly that there are many ways of looking at things. It really disorients them.
Yes! I've used this tactic before & it really does help.
I would say that it might help them to see that there are different angles of looking at things and depending on one's background.
@@sonja4164 yes, that’s really a good one!
@@ratherbfishing455 yes indeed
Wow, that must leave them speechless. 😐
I just used the "okay"on a belligerent friend the other day before i saw this so this really validates my capacity to handle these situations
I was able to neutralize a critic the other day by not reacting and asking a question back to him, in which I knew he couldn't answer. Totally shut him up. It's a public site so everyone was privy to his comment and my comment, he made an arse of himself and he knew it. : D Getting stronger everyday Dr. C.
I can think of all kinds of things not to say to them, but they’re more then one word!
🤭🤭
Rory, are you sure you are not giving Supply? lol. But I hear ya.
@@breathemindfully1340 He passed away in February of this year. I’m very sure I did give supply for all of our 52 years of marriage! I’m still learning about my part, so it’s a work in progress. So thankful for Dr C and everyone’s comments!
****,*****, ****,*****, and there's more 😏😉🥴
😂 yeah!!
That’s the word I taught my son to use with verbal bullies. He said it usually worked.
I agree. OK is the perfect word to txt back or say to them personally...it gives yourself time to think and leaves the narc confused. Remember your life is full of dignity, respect and civility. Forget them and concentrate on whatever makes your life happy. Do you cuz life is too short 😀
Someone I know has a sibling close in age, but younger. They vituperously criticize this sibling in front of anyone who happens to be there at the time she decides to display this behavior. This person wants to use this sibling as a role model to those present; and, cause FEAR of them. Can you imagine someone being so mean and hard hearted?They devestate the feelings of their own loving sibling to create fear in others!!! They TOTALLY HUMILIATE THE SIBLING, until the sibling is completely and obviously devestated. When this happened in front of me I started feeling real compassion for the adult sibling. The attacked sibling was having a flood of tears. She has to agree that she is endlessly flawed or her older sibling won’t stop yelling at her. The attacking sibling starts this Nazi like tirade from time the younger adult sibling got married. It’s my opinion the older mean hearted sibling was jealous that the younger sibling got married first. When I saw this display of hatred - I couldn’t continue to witness the pain of the younger adult sibling. So, I had to start coughing really violently, and they both stopped to stare at me. I took that moment, and said to the older mean hearted sibling “you know of course my sister is dead?” I then went on to point out that I would give anything at all in my life including, arms, legs, etc... to have my 7 year older sister be alive. The older sibling suddenly changed, and seemed to take on a “different” persona. It seemed like she had been in some sort of trance when she was yelling at her sibling on this mean spirited tirade. I was really physically shaking because I was suddenly aware that the older sister had just married my only brother. I’m telling you it was a shocking, and traumatizing afternoon for me, and the younger adult sibling.
God bless. You made it your business & used your knowledge wisdom to put a stop to it! So many relatives in my family refused to make just a little chiding their business. Later I saw how hard they -bantered it was so harsh i had to tell God & karma came a bitting - we have the power to use our eyes ears & mouth even coughing to make the world better!
funny. i started doing this on my own, instinctively, some months ago because my sister is reflexively critical of me. it was my way of saying, "i hear you, and i am not going to engage." hearing your explanation is wonderful because it validates my instinct but is so much more complete and well thought out.
I wish I had seen this years ago.
I learned years ago there are 2 ways to deal with a narcissist.
Completely cut them off.
Agree with everything they say.
And yes , simple words like okay, sure, yes, uh huh, I agree, you're right work. If you elaborate on how you agree, you're setting yourself up.
Dr. Carter, I think "OH" is even better. "OK" can be seen as agreeing with the Narc. Don't want to give them any satisfaction.
I'm tracking with you! Dr. C
that might be passive aggression. I use okay.
It amazes me how many the thingsI have "agreed" to, even when I have clearly stated that I don't agree! "OK" just feeds the delusion.
@@Calibri57 I had a NPD in my life who drove me crazy wanting to argue all the time. I finally just said "We'll have to agree to disagree," as you can imagine, that didn't go over well. But did tend to end the discussion. ; )
I mostly stick to the indifferent "u-hu" or "mm". But she keeps talking to get attention.
Dr. Carter you have no idea how much you help me. Thank you.
This could work with “the powers that be” that are trying to control us. Thank you.
Nailed it!!
I suspect that they would see it as agreement with their narrative.
Watch How to Start a Revolution DVD documentary (it's not what you think) and read From Dictatorship to Democracy the book by Dr Gene Sharp.
Thank you, Dr. C for giving us the tools to respond to people who are critical. We all need our mental "buffer zone" in order to remain on "team healthy". BTW, I love how Gus was laying on his towel and listening to the doctor with his eyes wide open. What a sweetie💟.
♥️♥️
Gus is a very good dog❣️🐶
My parent is so critical about others. Rarely to my face. But I hear about it later. Needless to say I rarely see them and tell them even less.
Dr. Carter, thanks for this excellent life lesson! Today, I learned how much powerful the word OKAY is.
Yep, this is my mom. Thank you so much for all your helpful videos!!!
This man has helped me so much!!! Thank you❤️
Yes, indeed, I used 'Okay', rather a lot over these last few day, during their visit but you are so right.
It works : )
Thank you. Dr L. C. and lovely Gus too : )
I am so thankful I found your channel
I used to think there was something wrong with me since these types tend to gravitate towards me. I realized at some point there are many wounded children walking around in adult bodies and they are totally unaware or do not feel the need to change. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but I just know to distance myself from them. I also say something along the lines of “OK” and “All Right” then ignore or walk away. Thanks again for your insight, Dr. C!
I think there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. I think the Greatest Generation thought that way.
I was a magnet to demanding, immature individuals because of my social work/helper background. Once I realized there was nothing wrong with me but that I just had to define and defend my boundaries, I was able to remedy this situation within a few months. Self love is not selfishness!
@@janetstonerook4552 I feel like some take advantage, but some need someone to talk to. However, there is a gracious way of saying is is a good time to talk.
I have a "friend" who starts yelling and cussing over little things. Very coarse and childish. Never been around anyone like that.
Another good one to learn from. What I have found is that criticism is used to provoke a verbal fight. They are punching at us so we will punch back. This is fuel to them punching even more. But if we don't punch back that drains their fuel. Knowing this, I am going to guess that one word to criticism is "OK". As in "Ok, you are entitled to think as you wish." I look forward to your explanation.
Gabriel’s OK is a great one!! That would be so good! Especially if you said it Ooookkkkkk, going up an octave! The sound of silence from them would be so peaceful!
@@rorywright5692 I have actually done this at work with my supervisor. I knew he was trying to trigger me to reaction. I did not give him that satisfaction but it was very difficult to not give him what he wanted.
@@GabrielsTears It would be very difficult for sure! But so satisfying! My husband picked up on it right away when I started responding differently!
I disengage never power thru abuse. Dr Carter and Laura along with youtube straightens me out. Thank you, I need the education to understand better. I changed my name at youtube to show I'm present to say thank you as I'm listening live. 🙏🍵☕🔧🧠🔧💛🕯️🙏
Let's just say I could have handed my notes to Gabriel's Tears for this one! Dr. C
I completely agree. Been using this technique with a narcissistic lady who is in a camping group we are in. She criticizes, critiques and is an authority on everything. She blurts out orders & I say okay. Its hysterical to watch her deflate and whimper away to pull this behavior on someone else. I look forward to each interaction. She can't help herself.
Love Dr. Les Carter. I would add - If time allows, a good length of silence( 3 - 5 seconds) before any response of OK or similar remark is good. Maybe with a stare?
Dr. Carter, this was so helpful. I had someone who was giving me unsolicited advice and just wouldn't let up. I feel like she has a superior attitude and been in competition with me. Thank you for this neutral word which can mean so much and can stop the recurring pattern.
As a peer support specialist, this channel helps me help others. Thank you Dr. Carter for all your words of wisdom. 💕
Okay 🤣 .. Great video and Gus looked super handsome today 🐶🐶
Thank you for sharing your Special Gifts with all of us, Dr. Carter & Gus. You make a huge difference. I enjoy your videos, and learn so much with each one. A true fan of you.
Randi, Austin, Texas
Oh my Gosh! The competition aspect! Yes! I often reminded my ex husband that it wasn't a competition! Instead, we were individuals that made a team together. He could never grasp that concept
I survived a Severe TBI in 1885 at age 17. I was being sexually abused and have a narcissistic mother. My mom's go to is that all her kids need counseling and she takes no responsibility for her actions.
36 years she has been the trigger for my PTSD. I nearly died from an aneurysm because I allowed her to be part of my care. I'm done with the narcissists in my family.
3 of my brothers became addicts and are dead. This narcissistic woman has married 5x and put her first child up for adoption.
I've come to the conclusion after 25 years of mental therapy that I'm normal. Anyone with my past would be angry that their mother continues to create chaos in her wake. I have a right to be angry. I try to talk and she yells, I yell back and then feel bad.
I hate people who yell.
Since I'm aware she's my trigger I'm better off saying my goodbyes now. I can't wait until she dies.
Absolutely you're normal. You're entitled to be angry, for so long we were denied the ability to even have emotions. Unfortunately, it isn't as simple as waiting until they die to get some peace, my mother died over 20 years ago and I'm still stuck in the anger and disbelief that a mother could get it so wrong!
My mother put her own desires ahead of the welfare of her kids, as long as she had a D in her bed at night she didn't care about how this person treated her kids. I paid the price for her selfishness.
In my early teens, there was every red flag I was struggling with mental health issues (depression, withdrawal, isolation, CPTSD) but she turned a blind eye. At a critical point in my life when help was needed it wasn't offered, because she didn't want to damage her public image, which was all based on her lies, so the unresolved trauma deepened and the mental health problems increased.
Twenty years later, I am on a disability pension and have developed even more serious mental health issues. I am terrified of falling through the cracks and becoming homeless.
@@Kelly-oe8kr You are my double. That is my life story.
It's up to the "victim" to recognize when there is a Narcissistic set up. You can feel the toxic fuel revving up the engine. Once you recognize it you will know what is in store. Say-" I''m sorry you feel so frustrated. But, that is your issue. Deal with it."
Two words: "THANK YOU"
I used to do exactly this with my narc ex without even thinking about it and yes, it did a great job of stopping her in her tracks.
The effect was similar when she tried to trigger me by gleefully emphasising something she didn't agree with me about. The other way round made her totally crazy, she couldn't stand it when I didn't share an opinion or preference of hers, she'd get absolutely furious with me about it. But if I expressed an opinion of mine and then SHE disagreed with it, my response was always one of total acceptance - "That's okay, we don't have to always like the same things."
This really threw her, she seemed genuinely disappointed that not having the same view as me didn't bother me in same way as it did her. She'd actually look a bit crestfallen after telling me she didn't enjoy one of my favorite foods, or got nothing from a musical artist that was special to me, only for me to respond with a vague 'OK' and a shrug!
But don't you want to argue? Not. Dr. C
You made me laugh so hard with this 'okay approach' . Thank you Dr. ! So true , when i don t give that attention and energy to the toxic people around me things get much better and easier to handle. Great tips to keep in mind
Dr. Carter, that is good. Thank you.
Learning not to take things personally was a huge lesson for me. Now I don't feel the need to argue. Just say ok and walk away. Love it!
Thank you for this information. I look forward to using this technique in dealing with the narcissists in my life.
Oh Dr Les excellent. That is the only word I have. You have a way of giving that calm easy going feeling. Gives me even more strength to soak in and be more "free to be me." Thank you so much for all you do. You made me laugh and gave a rich insightfulness that I needed. Thanks again!!
One comment I've seen made to a narc, "Ha, that's so funny" made in response to the narcs, weirdo, serious critique. I was elated when I heard that response, as it shows a kind but strong stance that they're not taking anything the narc says seriously. 😊
I love okay.
Is like a fence protecting
My peace of mind and making
Others work with their problems.
I love your ending of almost every TH-cam posting I've listened to, You always make me Smile and send me off feeling very Grounded and Confident.
Often I feel so Broken, The knowledge Acts like Bandages, from a lifetime of Abuse. A Positive Tone does well. I like to think I am mending, and I am getting Stronger. I am more forgiving with Others when I realize that they are in a Partnership with a Narc.
Yes, stay grounded and confident! Dr. C
This is also how narcissists gaslight. They push buttons until you react then they calmly go '.... Okay. I can see you are having some issues... "
The point is, if you start to grey-rock the narcissist instead of blowing up (a plain "O.k." can be taken that way), you are taking away his opportunity to gaslight you. The difference here is that this is for people to retain their sanity while the narcissist is doing it to confuse people.
@@Robidu1973 If that is the point he didn't say it. Personally I got that but people new to learning about narcissism won't get it.
I have to avoid this channel a lot because he leaves things wide open for victims of narcissism to gaslight themselves. Ramani's video just today for instance leaves no question about which POV she is coming from, and she will mention pitfalls to keep in mind if she thinks you may develop bad habits yourself. No room to gaslight yourself. But if you're guilty it's safe to examine yourself.
But reading through these comments I just get the idea prople use videos like this to justify rude behavior and not caring when people speak up for themselves. Like to advocate for yourself makes you a critic to gaslight "OK. Ok." When you see ok boomer, you're seeing narcissists unwilling to hear another POV and this video validates hearing other POV is somehow bad in itself. (?)
@@C.Church If he's leaving things wide open I don't see it right now. Maybe you'd like to clarify?
My take on this is that Dr. Carter is implying certain things (since he has drawn a bead on narcissists, the implicit context should be that advice like this is to be applied when dealing with a narcissist). The point is, that which are viable options when dealing with toxic people (notably narcissists in this context) are a no-go when dealing with normal, sane people.
As for the last thing about "ok boomer" that you have mentioned, I may have a bit of an idea, but I'm not100% sure right now what that is all about (English isn't my native language). Would you like to explain?
I've read that phrase on some occasions and I'm taking it to be dismissive, but I'd also like to know the actual meaning and any implications.
@@Robidu1973 Sorry. I replied a second time just before your new reply. But suffice it to say, this video isnt part if any series on dealing with narcissists. It stands alone.
Ok boomer is based on Milennial apathy towards Baby Boomers. It's said to anyone (regardless of age now) who has anything "inconvenient" to say that might be of a responsible nature.
It implies you only have that POV because you're old and no longer relevant. So what you have to say can be dismissed.
That's what this video is enabling. Carter is saying if you've ever had something to say and the person said OK or OK Boomer then you basically deserved it.
Because he made no attempt to qualify that criticism isnt bad just because it's unwanted.
@@C.Church A simple Okay, and OK Boomer are very different.
Noted is another annoying word that my supervisor absolutely hates! 💯
She has no come back from that one and I go away with my peace of mind!
Thanks, Dr. C. Showing us how it's done, dignity, respect, civility.
One of my personal favorite responses to this crap is to the let the critic go on and on until they are looking at me for some type of agreement, and that's when I just look around confused and say, " Is this really happening?"
The narcs totally lose it. It is hysterical to see.
But, "okay" is much more diplomatic
The equivalent is "whatever" which would get my face slapped as a kid, lol
not the same
@@susans7091 whatever
The whole talking to the people on the TV thing really rang a bell! My ex husband would criticize to the point he'd get angry & I'd have to quietly remind him..it's not real! Just a tv show! Geez!
I am not a narc and I criticize the TV all the time. If you look at the show or commercial and see what they are stupidly thinking we ought to belief or take as truth I say something. I am not angry though when I do it. LOL. It is just so much bullshit is shoved down as normal and good that my practical real self does not buy it and I say something. Makes my narc hubby really nervous or makes him say I am just bitter and critical and then I hold it back up to him like a mirror to say he does the dumb thing of accepting it all as it is presented as truth.
@@Feribrat99 Might be more relaxing to switch it off sometimes.
@@sarahstrong7174 Exactly. It's not that serious.
@@Feribrat99 I decided 40 years ago it was just easier not to have a TV.
I keep thinking I have listened to your "best" video ever but then I listened to this! This content is so spot on, Dr. Carter, that my husband and I were laughing out loud. Yeah, obviously it's not funny at all to have to deal with these kinds of people that "are out there" and sadly we must deal with them in varying degrees. However, the laughter comes honestly for us, from the joy in knowing we are not coo coo for coco puffs and that our plan to endeavor to NOT try to convince the pathological bully/controller/criticizer/narcissist of anything is a plan that is really okay! (Pun intended! 😉) Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge! Having access to it has been truly transformational. You are amazing and Gus is pretty great too!
Thanks Alison! It means a lot to me that the videos help you! Dr. C
Thank you for this video. Very helpful and your calm, warm disposition is comforting. Makes me think, yes, "okay" is a good approach, I want to use it in my life, it will make me equally calm.
Truth! Absolute truth Dr C. Self care & love is very important when your dealing with these critical people. Thank you for your knowledge & support!
Best video on TH-cam regarding this subject. Not only does it work, it leaves them with a deer in the headlights look that you’re not arguing with them.
Thank You Sir 🙏
I worked maintenance on a junky assembly line years ago. Whenever the line went down supervisors would come out of their office and pepper me with questions to the point where I couldn't fix the line. One day I waited until they had stopped questioning and threatening me. I looked at them all, and said that whoever thinks they can do a better job fixing the line, well, my tools are right here. Go ahead and fix it, I don't mind. They all got red, put sour looks on their faces and stomped off. But they stopped coming out every time the line went down. I guess that was a variation of "ok".
I used to say this a lot with my most recent narcissistic partner. It just drove her nuts. Dr. Carter is spot on.
I really needed to hear this today. My daughter is visiting and in an unhappy place. She is being so critical and judgmental. Last night she started criticizing me for long ago things that she deems me wrong on. I wish I had heard this yesterday. It could have prevented some rankled feelings. But now I know what to say. Okay. Thanks a bunch. Dr.
I'm a big fan of "why?"
Works like a charm from 2 years old to 102.
"Why" has so much power to derail someone's plans to go somewhere in a conversation. Suddenly they have to explain themselves, their joke, their insult, etc. Latch onto their answer and hit them with "why" again. Socrates was onto something. Ask "why" enough times and you will eventually reach "first principles" or at least a common ground. Those acting in bad faith will struggle to keep up with explaining their position forever. When you get an answer you like just say "why didn't you just say so?!"
Ugh, but if you ask ' Why?', you open the door to endless condescending explanations and instructions from them. No time for that anymore!
Love it. Yes, the Socratic approach is terrific to use on a Narc.
You do know that Socrates was put to death for asking 'why'
That's a good way. Narcissists tend to think I'm criticizing or trying to fight when I'm not. I'm just wired to examine issues from many sides (INTP). If you asked why? I'd "love" you and explain hoping you'll give me your opinion. Sometimes it totally works out and we both walk away really satisfied in exploring new ways to see something. "Great conversation!" Yeah you too!
But sometimes I hear "you just want people to agree with you!" which I've come to realize is someone who makes themselves out to be knowledgeable (which caused me to pique in interest) but they get exposed as not knowing as much as they let on. In those cases the problem is nor me at all.
So asking why is a good way to know if they're picking a fight or just wishing a rousing discussion.
@@seventeenraccoons2825 - By a NARCISSIST!
Once before leaving my ex I curtsied - it was one of the only times he seemed to take notice he was being too much .
O.K. Dr Carter, that was a very O.K. video. I liked the non-contentious spirit of it. It seemed relaxing in nature, just being yourself & letting others be themselves. All the best.
That's something I would definitely like to know.
I love the way you broke all this down, so informative and very sensible. My Mother constantly criticised me so that now I do get hurt when I’m criticised but I’m going to use your method. Bless you 🥰
I have a childhood friend who is critical of nearly everything and everyone. I have been responding to this friend with "okay" for years. When he criticizes me, I respond with "okay" as a way of letting him know that I heard what he said. It calms the situation without destroying the friendship.
Good one, and saves us a lot of energy. I find that arguing can be extremely draining and all for naught.
Yes it's exhausting to argue. But if.the other person.insists on arguing and goes on the attack in order to fuel it, and demands explanations as well, it's exhausting and painful. This is a person I'm committed to.
@@marthadawson8954 maybe they ought to join a debate club, take up a sport or find another outlet for that energy. I know people like that, some are family members. I try to tell them that I know they are in the mood for an argument and I’m not interested in participating. Usually people cant make you. If you can’t walk away from it and they don’t stop then they are a bullying you. And they need to know that’s how you are experiencing it. If they don’t care then ask them what is really on their mind. There must be something underlying their negativity. Maybe .getting them to share that will make them more aware of their process. Good Luck ! Just remember to take care of yourself first 🙏🏻
Dear Dr. Carter...once again; great and direct advice. Please continue with your wise and practical suggestion. Thank you.
Love you, Dr. Carter!!!
thanks for your input , ill get back to you on that, its already taken care of , ok, good advice
The tricky part is for the ones being criticized. I can personally say I’ve adopted the same harsh unrelenting attitude as a protection mechanism to feel validated in my views. It gets bad if someone doesn’t catch themselves.
Power to ya, Jazmine. Because you're aware, you can free yourself from it :~)
I think "Maybe" would be a better response. Puts the issue back in the middle where it belongs. Doesnt give the impression of agreement but affords mutual respect and acknowledgement of each other's right to determine their own decisions.
Trouble is with that they may take it that you mean 'maybe' their right
Cos they can't accept 'maybe' their wrong
It depends how you say the ok. Pull a silly face at the same time and it is no way in agreement lol
Excellent advice.
Thanks.
Yay, I didn't know you had another channel. I'm really glad the algorithm served this one up. I discovered the "okay" method a little while ago and it's MAGIC!
I love the pupper in your videos ❤
Thanks for your help, Dr. C, Gus! Happy Holidays.
Thank you Dr Carter❤
Good topic to discuss here - we have all come across people criticising others regularly. They are not pleasant to be around, that's for sure. It doesn't mean we need to engage back with the person as you say - we can simply walk away or not engage with them at all
I loved the tv description, that describes them completely. I even asked if that made a difference and they said yes! LOL I love the OK also, I say that all the time LOL.
I needed to hear this today, Dr C. My beloved daughters are the narc exes’s “flying monkeys.” I love them so much- but this is how they are. I am in this for the long game. Dignity, respect, civility.❤️🙏🏼
I'm so glad for your channel, Dr. Carter.🙂
I just can't get over this video, it's just perfect!!
You open alot of eyes ! I'm learning alot from your videos!
How about instead of “ok” throw back a well worn comment- “whatever” to the narcissist whom loves to throw this word out to dismiss another. Effectively saying “no biggie” in return.. watch the poop hit the fan... don’t dare give back in the same manner but without malice even so.
“Some people will never like you because YOUR spirit irritates their demons”. A phrase someone used which I find fitting.
yes-brat cousin of mine was DAUGHTER OF ALCOHOLICS-now we have her big mouth innthe world ((eeeek)
So true!
Maybe say ok and think whatever
"No biggie" - hilarious! and a bit risky. My covert NPD mother once told me, "It's not important," when I appealed to her about assassinating someone's character in her record of her life. Wish I'd thought of using that line of hers to her before she died.
@One Lioness What a great and pinpoint accurate phrase, that MY spirit irritates THEIR demons!! Yup! Thanks for sharing it! Stay strong, stay blessed.
"A critic is a master of imperfection."
cc 🐡🌿
My task is to be a person of good character and integrity and if that is not enough for you, that is okey! I love every word in This message. Thank you.
I pitty the narcissist who would be targeting you Dr. Carter... lol ! Great info and easy to keep in mind.
Loving "the Guster"! 😊
Thank you Dr. C.
Thank you. Okay, I know of several controllers, who currently have some control over me/others who are like that, due to position. This is helpful. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what i say in defense etc won't matter. So, I'm in the process of seeing what can be done legally. to get back some control (issues over my elderly mom), without her situation being made about ANYBODY but her.
Thanks for doing these videos!
This was just what I needed. Thank you.
Thank you