Folk wisdom about narcissism you NEED to know
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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Problem is we do not initially know most narcissists are narcissistic until it is too late and we have to chew our foot off to get away from them. I grew up with them and therefore didn't "see" them.
You are absolutely right! Unfortunately for me, I ignored my gut that told me I couldn't marry him, there's something wrong with him. Back then I didn't KNOW that one should always listen to their gut! I know that now!
@@grammyspa-jammies1737I was warned the very moment I shook his hand and felt like ai had just plugged into a vacuum of darkness. Such a horrible feeling. I took it as sign that he was going to be important in my life…I was right just not the way I thought 😩
True. But, its never too late!
So true. When you grew up with it ( my mom) you are conditioned to accept that narc behavior.
You simply cannot conceive that narcissists are real until you’ve tried to deal with one. And what the OP said about people knowing them early also being blind to them
Finding out that "normal" was actually "abuse" is a shocker to begin with. Being born into Narc family sucks.
Your not alone it's Horrible !
I know this is very tough....I wish you the best in your healing ❤
I grew up in a narcissistic family, and only this year (in my mid-30s) have I had the realization that my family was abusive. It hurts so bad to come to this understanding. I had friends reach out to me growing up and trying to help me understand that my family is abusive and try to get me out, but I was in so much denial my whole life. I got out of the house as soon as I turned 18 and lived with my friends across the country, was doing great, and I *STILL* got hoovered back in to my family dynamic. It’s embarrassing and I’ve gone through major bouts of guilt and self-blame, even suicidal thoughts. What hurts the most is understanding that it’s nothing I can fix. I’ve exhausted myself my whole life trying to understand and “fix” them. Dr Ramani doesn’t know this, but her content has saved my life.
U are forced to believe that narcissistic behavior is normal when you are exploding inside
This is so true. I'm in my fifties and realizing how much work I need to do. It is a lifelong process.
They don't notice your sadness, until it turns into anger and then you're the bad one.
The eyes are useless when the mind is blind.
So that I can come back here
Amen, Young blood.
I love your “The eyes are useless when the mind is blind.”
Seven years ago I started writing a journal of my Narcissist's 'weird' behavior. It was then I realized he was the one with problems--it wasn't me as I had been manipulated into thinking! I realized I had 36 years of red flags. Six months later we were separated and later divorced. He tried hovering me once, but I now knew what it was and did not fall for it. Now, I am happy, heathy, and married to a kind, wonderful man. There is happiness in life after narcissistic abuse!
I am keeping a journal too! Being gaslighted sucks 😔
God bless
32 yrs for me...1 yr December 3 of no contact. He moved away
The narcissist I was with used a doctor and told him I was bipolar, I was drugged with Xanax to the core, then he didn't have anyone to fight or gaslight. I went for professional help for myself and discovered how * was being manipulated to even write letters of forgiveness l, (in which case he should've been the one apologizing). I left all meds... medically directed for some... 😢 For the others.
Finally, he looked for "help" so that his professional person would prove me wrong....
she ended up telling me that between his addictions and his narcissistic personality, i needed to fly away from him ASAP. Free at last from the nonsense, abuses, gaslighting, ghosts of faults, his addictions to p... and other substances. 🎉 Thank GOD blessed and free.😅❤🙏🏻🕊️
I asked my mom for a journal for Christmas so I can start doing the same thing.
"Prosperity will make you friends, adversity will test them." is a proverb I try to live by.
A very good one.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I didn't know what I was being shown and had only the most vague idea about narcissism. The light didn't come on until I was treated to a full on onslaught by the flying monkeys, letters from her lawyer, threats of jail etc etc. Now, after a lifetime of being the unsuspecting victim of a family of narcissists, I have my eyes wide open and no contact firmly in place. I can laugh again and I didn't think that would ever happen.
I can play again and I do.
A morsel in peace is better than a feast with strife.
One thing i now consider as red flag is my narc would insult me and make me cry and say that I should be able to handle constructive criticism to toughen up. I believed it then.
I met a young couple last Friday at karaoke and while I was giving the young lady a tarot reading (her husband had wandered away) she confessed that he had not only repeatedly cheated on her, but he had occasionally hit her. She then said "but that's not who he really is". I simply said "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them." After the reading she sat there thinking as I went over to hang with her husband. 10 minutes later she came to ask him for the car keys, got them, and walked away. It turns out she left him there. The kicker is that when he discovered that she ditched him, in typical narcisstic fashion, he tried to blame me for her escape (and after spending a little time with him that's how I viewed it, an escape!). I was so proud of her at that moment I could've burst! Good luck random stranger! I hope she retained her resolve!
Scary how many people like her are living in these terrible prisons. Thank you for talking to her honestly - you being a stranger might have even helped, because people often dismiss the counsel of people closest to us
I went to see a marriage counsellor (alone, because my husband didn't want to pay for the best qualified counselling service and I went against his wishes by going- I had my own money to pay for it). There was one question the counsellor asked me that created a revelation - it was over at that point, I didn't waver for a second and no regrets about breaking up 26 years later.
What was the question?@@elipotter369
@@elipotter369Well? What was the revelatory question the counselor asked?
if you are unwilling to tell a good friend what your partner did or said because you are too embarrassed by his behavior, THAT is a red flag!
I had a friend who used to say, "You become like the people you're around."
Just today I hesitated to request a different dentist. I saw the new replacement once and instinctually felt that he was rough and dismissive. Yet I found myself questioning my own feelings before I snapped out of it and told myself, "You have a right--an obligation to yourself!--to request another dentist on the team!" Yeh--I was told a million times growing up that I was "too sensitive, too opinionated, too selfish." On and on. It was a head-spinning nightmare 75% of the time.
We were conditioned , by narc parents, this is how all of us feel .. were not alone it's horrible when you cannot TRUST what we know to right can lead us to what is wrong even lead some death this is no joke !!! Dr RAMINI THANK YOU !
That's so very upsetting because it's really true. I've only recently begun to build a confidence enough just send my food back when I order something without an item I'm allergic to. I used to be able to allow myself just that risk involved in flicking off mushrooms or nuts rather than upsetting anyone else because I was so exhausted from being told "you are creating conflict you always want attention, you're so sensitive and you're so much work..." I don't know what to do with that kind of repetitive refrain from my own upbringing and sadly since my mom died and my own health has been crappy it's been more prominent than it was when I was a young girl who just left home and I'll be 50 this month.
Narcs live by “Do as I say, not as I do”
Narcissism and entitlement was enabled within my family from the beginning. Peace is coming with distance. I grieve and let go.
❤
✌️💪❤️
Doc its a real challenge to stay sane after experiencing these type of relationships. It Badly Destroys You From Inside.
You can recognize that you are dealing with a narcissist when the situation quickly escalates from 0 to 100, and you notice that your peace of mind takes an immediate vacation
My first red flag: he told me he had written a book. I looked into this book, it had been published. It was his true life story about how he had cheated on his wife with loads of prostitutes. He admitted it was a true story. Man I should’ve ran far far away.
Damn, he really told on himself with that one. 😂
"Walk placidly amidst the noise and haste and know what peace there may be in silence. Avoid loud and aggressive people. They are vexations to the soul." Truth to self is found in the absence of chaos.
@@brendagilkey6696 Yes. One of my favorites absolutely
A few weeks into the relationship we were driving around when I started having an intense migrane; so intense I had to pull over and I asked her to PLEASE drive as the pain was so bad I could hardly see straight. She casually replied "I don't feel like it.", and then just sat there listening to me groan with pain like she didn't care; she was just casually waiting for me to start driving again. I couldn't compute in my head the complete lack of sympathy for my obvious, literal pain. I thought it had to be a momentary glitch (I mean, how could ANYONE be that uncaring???). Turns out that was a glimpse of her core personality.
This happened to me! I asked him if could please take over driving as my migraine was causing pain and night blindness and he actually laughed and said no. Just like that. My brain couldn't compute the fact he was happy risking our lives to watch me suffer. Unbelievable monsters.
You poor man. You should have called an ambulance, left the car there locked up, and told her to find a ride home.
It’s embarrassing for me to think of the red flags I ignored. Perhaps the migraine was a waking dream of what u were in for in a relationship w/ a person who had (or has) a piece of granite for a heart. God or spirit tries to protect us, but we absolutely refuse to listen, even when given multiple warnings.
What a sick power play. "No, I won't drive! I would rather just sit and watch you suffer, and sieze this opportunity to establish dominance when you're weak, than drive.
I hope to God you're divorced from her now. If not, what are you waiting for ?? Once a narcissist, always a narcissist.
@@spiritcat77 Not being able to see is a real issue when you are driving, gotta say. Her reaction was really out there! 'Will you drive? I can't see.'
'No.'
WTF?
I was a dating a guy that seemed nice, but I left our dates feeling weird. Well, after 2 dates I wrote down 3 specific times I felt that he invalidated my feelings. Once I wrote it down it became SUPER clear that I had to get out and so I did. The rule of 3 is very good advice!
I was in a high stress job, had parents getting sick, and when faced with his red flags, I thought 'I can handle it' compared to the other parts of my life, I did handle it. Lately, I think 'WHY AM I HANDLING IT, WHY HASN'T HE STOPPED BEING SUCH A JERK?"
So, it's almost one month since I spoke to that idiot. Thanks for your informative, encouraging videos.
I’m so proud/happy for you
Good for you. Disengage.
Exactly. I can handle it, but why should I?
Here in the southern US we say to beware of people who want to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. In other words, someone who always wants to be the focus of attention and who makes every situation about them.
A big red flag that I ignored with a now-former friend was when she announced my engagement to a group of friends before I could tell them. She wanted my engagement to be all about her. I finally ended the friendship but not until many other instances of this attention seeking behavior.
The best comment I had when seeking help from my family was 'you made your bed, you lie in it'!! The reason I ignored the red flags was because of all the invalidation from family, society and therapists. I was crying out for help for years, but in the end had to work it out myself. These videos have helped enormously to counter the years of invalidation.
the exact words my mum used. The mum that loved me so conditionally.
@@flowinsounds exactly, so conditional.
How sad. I had a similar situation.
I won’t ask for help because i know that quote is true for me. I’m ultimately responsible for my own choices, despite being gaslit.
"I had to work it out for myself..." What a marvelous quote.
I was trying for decades to make a successful marriage with a victim narcissist.... I kept thinking if I could only try a little harder... be a little more sensitive to her needs... be a little more giving, a little less self focused, it would finally work out right.
What a joke!!
But how was I to know ?? I'd never heard of Narcissism, never heard of gaslighting...
I had no idea that someone who claimed they love you could be so devious, so maliciously deceitful in using and abusing you... and all the time so skillfully reverse everything to make it appear that the fault, and therefore the problem was you.
The ages of guilt, the sense of inadequacy, the horrible perception of being so morally, emotionally, and socially deficient that "I keep mistreating my poor, noble wife, who continued to put up with me anyway, despite my inadequacy." What a snowjob !! Where do narcissists learn to manipulate our perceptions so expertly that way !?!?!
In truth, I was nothing more to her than her most important resource and least important relationship. And the lovemaking was nothing more than one more manipulation technique, a twisted form of prostitution.
It was all so perversely evil.
Biblical proverbs:
"Do not correct a wicked man, he will shame you for it"
"Do not throw pearls to a swine, they will trample them and turn to tear you apart."
My biggest problem was and sometimes still is, that I choose to give others the grace to make mistakes consistently while not honoring how their behavior affects my own mental health. Today, I choose to honor my inner "knowing" and leave situations with people who are "off" even if there seems to be not logical reason for it.
Donovan, we all learn to reaccess our original intuition. Kudos, Kiitos.
Good for you for leaving people who feel "off" to you! You don't need to justify your feelings!
Our amigdalas (primal brain) are much faster at noticing "off" people than our frontal cortex (logic center).
Believe your amigdala!
Lord have mercy this is totally me! I came to this realization when I turned 40 last year. That was the beginning of the end for my narcissistic marriage.
Proverbs 22:3 A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished. Thank you Dr Ramani for helping us become prudent and wise to not only see the red flags but remember protect ourselves. Growing up with a narc mother, I had no idea what boundaries were, and thought we were supposed to put up with abuse if you “loved” someone!
Looking back, The lovebombing, future faking and mirroring me to create the illusion of “soul mates”, should have ran when just dating!
You think the abuse is normal & that is how families were. That is what we were taught.😢
I remembered being four yrs old and knowing I couldn't go to my parents for anything...I felt very alone. I was seven yrs old when I realized that my mother wasn't safe. At fithteen I kept her at arms length...never told her anything about anything, then in my early twenties I let her in my life...Heaven only knows why. I paid for that mistake for the rest of her life & will being paying for it for the rest of mine. I always knew something was off about her, but I wanted her love. That teenager was a lot smarter then the adult. I wish I go back and never let her in in the first place. Let this be a warning to all of you who thinks something doesn't feel right with a parent. God bless all of you.
My proverb is, Better is the evil you know than the one you don't. It took me 10 years to finally leave this abusive and scary man. This was 1988. I'm so much better now.
What kept me stuck with my narcissistic friend is that they had a traumatizing childhood and never got the help they needed. I thought she was misunderstood and because of that, just needed some love and care to grow. She also reminded me of my narcissistic mother (emotional instability and suicidal tendencies) and that made me want to be there for her more. I did see the red flags but I brushed it aside as us being 16, not knowing better, and being capable of change. I often feel I should've left like everyone else did at the beginning, rather than staying in what would be gaslighting hell.
Esoteric people call Narcissists "Energy Vampires" - at least the description is equivalent in effect. - However, I recently realized it is a redundant term: For what is a vampire at its core?
A vampire drains you of your life (-energy), is highly manipulative, does the most damage to you when you let it in, invite it in to your house (i.e. Life), it creates a cult around itself to worship it, it uses and discards people and moves from one place to the next to find more victims to drain - It is a predator. But most of all, you know what is missing: Vampires do not reflect in a mirror. They do not reflect. They have no reflection. - A vampire is the mythological parallel to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, contrary to Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection, after whom the condition is named. The only thing a Narcissist falls in love with about themselves however, is the fake illusion they create about themselves, that godlike persona. Reflection would destroy that fake image (which is one reason you won't get Narcissists to real meditation, especially not twice).
Thanks for your thoughts, I have been trying to get some people together to do a mediation, and I am feeling a gut wrenching sense that it won't do any good. I've been hoping to convince them to leave my house with urgings from our pastors, but it's probably more likely it will only entrench them and escalate the abuse.
About 10 years ago, I googled the words "Is emotional abuse real?" That’s when I learned what a narcissist is, and that is what my x was. I was very angry with myself for ignoring the red flags. I had been married to him for 7 years and prior to that, been his gf for almost 10. I was 14 and he was 17 when we met, so some of it was youthful ignorance.
Why I ignored the red flags:
1. I was the invisible child and craved the love and attention.
2. I didn't want to judge him for past mistakes.
3. I didn't think I could do or deserved better.
4. I learned how to be an enabler from my mom, so it seemed natural.
5. I felt like we were two misfits and that we needed to stick together. In fact, he often reinforced this us-against-the-world mentality.
6. I reached a point where I was like: I put this much time into the relationship already, to walk away now is a waste of all that time.
It took a long time for me to admit that I was even abused and even longer for me to stop being angry at myself for being so dumb. My words of advice to all the people thinking of leaving or who have just left: you are/were not dumb. You were hopeful, compassionate, forgiving, and loving. All traits that we have been taught to value, and that a normal partner should also value and return to you.
My favorite saying regarding narcissists is "Don’t cast your pearls before swine."
Thank you for sharing, Jacqueline.
Really insightful Jacqueline my heart breaks for you. Every word you’ve spoken is eerily similar to the way I used to think and lie to myself in my 5-7 year narc relationship (have a beautiful child out of it though), this relationship has only just ended after serious abuse and neglect. Some days are better than others in the aftermath of things, other days are ruminating and slow. I fell in-love with the delusions and future faking, have always been somewhat of a dreamer and escapist. This is the most reality based lens I’ve lived in for a while, hearing stories like yours that are hauntingly similar solidifies to me I’m making the right choices for the right reasons. I have a lot of pearls to give to those who will treasure them dearly, these pearls are little pieces of my heart and I see that now and actively try to forgive myself every day for my past.
I didn't realize until reading this my ex and my mom both got so much mileage out of us against the world it sucks because right now I feel like it's me against anything and no one gives a crap no one really did in the first place to begin with except perhaps my dad and grandma and they're gone from the world of living although my mother is too she made sure to shoot my reputation to the sewer before her departure. Ex used to accuse me of utilizing the internet for sympathy and pity yet he's all over Facebook this months is domestic pretrial and he has a plethora of girls half his age rallying in his fever because crazy toxic positivity evil woman who lied when the neighbors called police. Because he's misunderstood. It's really rather gross how much 2/3 of his fan base resemble me at the same age I was when we met thirty years ago but hey some people have a type I guess. My new type is going to be tabby from now on and I don't want to see the word DOMESTIC unless it's followed by SHORT HAIR and has a cute snapshot of the cat described in the accompanying photo. 🐈🐈⬛
I appreciate your great list, (I’m a list maker as well). And So true, regarding casting pearls before the swine. That is falling for and loving someone & putting up with years of abuse from a person who has zero to give.
Yes, sister and therapist both encouraged me to continue two relationships. I won’t be relying on somebody else to tell me when I’m being manipulated and abused.
I have learned that I didn't have good boundries with consequences...and I need to stick to and put in action those consequences when needed.
I was physically sick at the time and he over looked my disease. And I kept thinking the red flags were worth the trade off of me having kids and being sick and he was spoiling me .. gave me $200 for mani pedis with my daughter 3 days in .. love bombed like crazy. But also sent me to the nail place because he wanted my nail color to be one of the only colors he would allow in my nails for the next 5 years.
The first red flag was yelling at his son and the terror his son had on his face. But I thought it was his kid not my business. He started casually making fun of me , telling me how to drive, telling me what to wear, what colors I was allowed to wear. How my hair was to be. Leaving me regularly.. so many red flags
Unfortunately, I was raised by a narcissistic mother, and it has affected me until now, and I'm 58. Being a child and adult child of a narcissistic mother/ parent is the worst thing to endure. Blessings to everyone on this channel 🙏 Get on your spiritual healing journey and heal from the abuse
wishing you the best in your healing as well ❤
I wish I was there when it all came together. I’m definitely on the healing path flashes of compassion for toxic narcissistic mother, however, the older I get the words I realize it was.
I agree..
Also wishing you the best in your healing.
I went no contact with my severely narc. mother in my 60s and it was the BEST thing I ever did for my mental health! The relief is palpable every day. My authentic self is slowly blooming and I set (reasonable) boundaries now that I never did before.
The relief, oh the relief is incredible!
@@wickiwo1098 congratulations 🎊. I wish you all the best.
Hi Dr Ramani. It is hard to pick out a narcissist almost immediately. I was taught to watch how they're acting, and listen to what they're saying. I had Gut feelings when i met my narc. Fooled by his charming ways, and his good looks, i ignored the red flag.🚩 I thought he was too good to be true! HA,HA! How many times i heard that one! He was terrific at future faking & gaslighting. Made me think i was imagining things. Well, after 5 years of hell, i finally left him!
I was a child with a narcissistic mother...now at 60, a flood of horrible memories, comments , incidents are flooding through my mind....my dad passed away and now she feels free to be her authentic self 😢
At least your father protected you in a way? My parents went from hating and cheating each other through life to supporting each other in hate towards their children.
I’m in my sixties too. I completely get it because that’s what happened to me. I think we FINALLY have the time now to deal with all the crap that happened. It’s painful, but sure goes a long way to helping you understand why you are the way you are.
I feel your pain. When my dad passed away, my mother showed me her true-self and it wasn't pretty. I'm in my 50's. It sucks to find out so late in life.
@mday3821 it's soooo hurtful....I can't even get a grasp on it. All of the lies etc..triangulation us with our cousins...my dad was so sweet....I think he only stayed to save us from her😥
@@mday3821I found out in myn30''s and honestly it sucks no matter what age you realize it. I'm happy we know better now. We made it out alive❤
It was my sister in law and I had known her a week when she made up some serious lies about her brother when he wasn't around. It was alarming to see an adult sibling purposefully attack their own brother for no other benefit than to sabotage his happy, new relationship. That was the least of what she's done over the now decade I've known her. She absolutely hates her brother and has gone so far as to date potential customers of his and sabotage their jobs to sabotage his. She's diabolical. Broke his arm when he was a baby in a crib. But "she didn't mean to". Yes. Yes she did. Because she's evil. She threw a tantrum and pushed her 95 year old grandmother. Stole her bed when they were on vacation. She's just a horrible person but she's very good at faking it. I've seen through her since the beginning. Sad her parents are/were completely manipulated by her. So many times I've watched her utterly disregard what they say and do what she wants. She has no respect for anyone in her family. Not one ounce unless it benefits her. The most selfish person I've ever met and we are expected to lie for her to her parents because she takes their money and then blows it on something stupid and it's "Don't tell Dad" because she's already setting him up for another atm withdrawal. Over this. It's been a decade and her bullshit can go away. No I won't play the "everything is fine" game anymore. It's not fine to watch my husband get attacked his entire life. It's not okay and it never will be.
Life is so much easier to make judgements in hindsight so we just brush off those narc signs, but we eventually learn. It took me until age 58.
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I cannot express my deepest gratitude for you Dr Ramini. Years ago when I happened upon your videos I could not believe how you validated all my feelings. I was made to believe I was the problem. The grace you teach us to give ourselves is so major. Thank you is not enough but it is in order! Xoxo
Her new book coming out kinda has the best title for you then
Amen! So much to learn, and Dr Ramani is such an excellent teacher! I have been very successful, but always had a sense of unworthiness, not quite “good enough “ from a lifetime of narc abuse. Getting better, Thanks to De Ramani 🙏🏻
I assumed that everyone was built fundamentally the same. If I had known that people exist whose personality structure makes them think other people are not actual people, I would have seen that as the horrific danger it is.
I was raised by a narc so for years I kept choosing narcs because I thought that was normal and how love looked and felt. I know better now. I'm still processing it all but I'm glad I figured it out while still relatively young.
@user-wh4eq3ws8d-When reading your comment I actually said, “OMGoodness!!!! That is what I was going to write!!!!”
Almost word-for-word.
It is absolutely amazing to me that you and I(and countless others) have had the exact same experience(s) due to a narcissistic parent/guardian. I thought the narcs were normal, and their behavior was almost comfortable to me. It took me almost 40years, but I finally figured it out too.
@@sweetthang4970 I've thought that same thing as well reading others comments too. It's like all narcs read the same playbook.
I'm glad to hear you've figured it out too and I hope you have many happy healthy days ahead!
I am so thankful to understand narcissism. This world is so cruel and crazy. It's like you can't possibly tell who the enemy is in this crazy world, unless you understand narcsissim... thank you!!! ❤❤❤
Journaling is Sooo important, wven when we don’t think it's 'a thing'
And then your NPD partner reads your private journal and rages at you for what you wrote... Looking back, I guess the first time that happened was the Really Big Flag, waving right in my face. With neon lights.
@@relied7934 I am so so sorry. I never kpt a journal while living with my NPD ex. He was terrifying to just get through a day with, and I would have to keep my information documented and stored in a work desk in the locked offices I worked in. I even now have one where I kept recollection of the bad stuff and one that I kept the good stuff in. I had no idea I was even compartmentalizing it. Or maybe...I was not going to take a chance on him finding the bad stuff written down anywhere.
I was so naive, and conditioned by my narc father, who wasnt kind or nice at all, so when I met him, he was a much, much, nicer version of my dad. I didn't know for 34 years- my youngest daughter educated me about narcissism.
My first encounter with a narcissistic person (and I didn't know that term then) was my high school football player boyfriend. I was head over heels in the beginning but the jealousy, the accusations, the competitiveness of him was enough to drive me insane. I stayed in that relationship longer than I should have. It was very difficult to get out of but when he cheated on me, that's when it ended. I thank God he cheated on me! Dr. Ramani, your talks need to reach teenagers. Not just teenage girls but all teenagers. This stuff is not easy to spot when you're that young but planting this education into their minds can help them. Do you ever do talks at high schools? If you don't, you should! Thanks again for more invaluable information ♥
I second that comment!
And I'm not even american, but just the spirit of it needs to be out there and it needs to be heard and put into action everywhere in the world.
Stop with the mandatory philosophy classes given by the most conversationally narcissistic of 'professors' who drone through theroetical speeches already! and start giving some serious psychology theory, self-growth and parenting workshops EVERYWHERE
@@dansasapIdk, my philosophy classes were great. I'm sure I was lucky to have an exceptional teacher. He got his students to really examine and question the prescriptive norms and assumptions about life that society and the education system teaches us. It was well known that he pissed off a lot of controlling parents by giving his students the tools to begin really thinking for themselves. 😂
Dr. Ramani,
You have kept me standing.
Thank you.🫶🏻
Maya Angelou also warned Oprah not to allow herself to be "pecked to death by ducks". Having had my family ruined by a covert narcissistic passive-aggressive, that really rang a bell! I had never heard of coverts or passive-aggressives until you explained them (in only about 15 minutes!) in your brilliant clip some two years ago about the four types of narcissists and how they shift from one to the other. Before that clip, I had for years felt "pecked to death by a duck". Perfect analogy, no? Namaste 🙏 🌷
I sat down and wrote a list of all the issues I had in a relationship. That same day I came across you in a podcast with someone else, and you were explaining all the traits of a narcissist. Every detail you explained was on my list. It was heartbreaking to learn the truth, but the weight that was lifted off me was incredible. I now feel like I have a second chance at life. Thank you for all your wisdom 🙏 ❤
The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde is a story about average people in the world, it's hard for most people to recognize the Mr Hyde in them because he's hyding.
The moment I knew something was DIFFERENT about him was early on. A month or two into the relationship, in his car. He went into a RAGE. Banged on his steering wheel. And made other cars look in on us as if our car was about to blow up. I dismissed it. I told myself I provoked him. But truth is there was no reason for that outburst. He is still that way, more often now. And it doesn’t matter who is present.
He has left many times. My trauma bond begs him back. I hated myself for being so weak. These videos have made me smarter. Time has made me stronger. He is in another state. We were working out our being together which required my leaving my job and family and going to him. 😮 I am now seeing this man has not changed. He will not because he doesn’t care to. He is disrespectful and hurtful. He dated while we were apart and reminds me of MY REPLACEMENTS every chance he gets. Thank you Dr Ramini for removing the wool from my eyes and eliminating the fog I have been in for thirteen years.🎉
So glad you've gotten out. Keep studying to prevent falling for one again. I had to realize I draw them and learn how to deflect them early on.
@@sharicoburn5475 We draw them to us??? I will have to be diligent to learn this as well.
@ruthdeliah2 well in a way yes. They find people like us and when we don't deflect them away, we get sucked in.
Crazy thing is after the first kiss i felt confused and knew something was off. That should have been enough. But i ignored my gutfeeling. Im so glad i walked away after 8 months tho. The pain was unbelievable and that for just 8 months. I can not imagine the pain ppl feel after years or decades of being in a situation like this.. sending out my love to everyone struggling❤
Hi R L🌹🌹🌹
How are you doing?
I had no idea about this personality disorder, just thought he was the biggest jerk in EVERY sense at times. I was SOOO in love with my husband for SOOO many years peppered with confusion, hate, and truly thinking he was hollow inside way too often. I was a confused and troubled person. Then over 40 years later I read about covert narcissism on this channel and others and have been absolutely realizing what all the confusion I was going through was about. I started seeing the cycles and could detect what was going to happen next. I am like a new person now. It got so bad with him that I now moved out going on 4 months. I pray for him and our children that are grown and on their own. I know I will love no other like I did him. Yes he wanted me back and tried. I can't see going back to a dead end. I lived it too long to think it would be different. You can only grow your self, I gave him a guideline for me to ever come back and he pooped on it. That told me what I needed to know. ❤ if GOD'S will is for me to stay by myself and heal then I will keep that way❤❤❤
Hi T M🌹🌹🌹
How are you doing?
@@CraigDavidson8 Really well thank you! Just learning how to make use of my healing time away from everyone, also working and taking care of myself. Alot of thinking going on and LOTS of prayer. Hope you are doing well also!
@@tmo.48 yes I'm doing great
@@tmo.48 where are you from?
@@CraigDavidson8 Indiana
My big narc in childhood was a vulnerable type. I was such a mess as a young adult that I couldn't hang onto a guy anyway. I was gaslighting myself habitually as you describe it. I felt hopeless about myself, so I did not try to improve myself. I'm sure I outnarked a bunch of narcs. I recall, though, that anything that reminded me subconsciously of the big narc in a new acquaintance would have such a visceral impact on me, that although my other friends were saying "He's such a nice guy! I cannot understand your reaction to him," I could not bring myself around.
They say, "Once burned, twice shy." That was me. It probably saved me a lot of further misery.
My Japanese husband heard a lot of Confucian proverbs from the working men staying at his widowed mother's inn, and took them to heart. In that situation, he had to size up any new guy walking in the door for his own safety. One big red flag he remembers, which Confucianism warns about, is someone smiling too much. Saccharine niceness is often concealing something else. He also distances himself people who "keep accounts"--the ones who always try to get a little bit more out of the relationship than they put into it.
Unfortunately for me, I ignored my gut that told me I couldn't marry him, there's something wrong with him. Back then I didn't KNOW that one should always listen to their gut! I know that now, 42 years too late!
I think the fleas proverb applies much more to those of us who grew up in a narc family. You don't know any better until it's pointed out to you. Your heart is not that of a narcissist but you find yourself with some fleas to get rid of.
Yes, Jamee.
Yes. It is so, so important to develop a healthy perspective in identifying red flags and discerning who we should/should not talk to about them. Speaking of the late, great Maya Angelou. She stated it beautifully: "Whining not only makes you ugly, it lets a brute know that a victim is in the neighborhood." Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge Dr. Ramani, you are truly helping me heal myself.
I went on a date about 10 years ago with one. 1st red flag I missed (should have been a one-and-done date) he compared us to the others in the restaurant. 2nd red flag, I allowed them to spend a weekend with me, but by Monday they did not leave, I had to tell them that I needed to go to work and they literally threw a tantrum 3rd red flag, he bad mouthed exes...I got many red flags that weekend and the love bombing blinded me for a little while. The bottom line I was told when I let them know I have boundaries, "This is what's wrong with you women, a man shows you affection and attention that you all cry about and when you finally get it you act ungrateful" 🤣I'm grateful he was not covert and showed me who he was. I disconnected after a few weeks and eventually had to go no contact.
Thank you Dr Ramani for all your guidance and knowledgeable advice you give through this channel. I reflect on a 30 year relationship and yes now I see many red flags. I had no knowledge of narcissistic behaviour. I married the ‘quiet accountant’. I thought that was just his personality type. When he chose not to answer me, I thought he was just tired. I recall shortly after marrying, we had a fight. He verbal abuse of me was next level. I was devastated but he promised to do better. I thought we could talk about anything. I thought we had the same values. I never knew him at all. His manipulation of me was so carefully planned and completely devastating. I am 2 and a half years in the legal system fighting for my freedom and some $100,000 in legal fees, yet he specialises in matrimonial property settlements for a living. The lies and deception have been shattering. Thank you for helping me through this episode in my life.
The enablers for me told me Im the only one who could keep the person calm when they went off the handle. I felt like I was supported into ultmately mission impossible where I was erroneously motivated by being and feeling helpful.
I was in a very tough spot and that pushed me back towards a relationship I'd left decades ago. I knew I was in for some emotional abuse and had my grey rock, yellow rock, and even a version of a firewall ready. The tough spot was bad enough that I was willing to take the risk. My strategies worked too well, as it turned out. When the narc realized she was psychologically and emotionally blocked, she resorted to physically expressed violence - secretive and deceptive thefts & vandalism, gaslighting based on secretive displacement of objects, and poisonings. With this, she genuinely shocked me. I never imagined she would be willing to go that far against her own child. I have no illusions left now, that's a big positive.
Absolutely. My best friend always said I was too judgmental. Not blaming her at all, but it did influence me in taking him back after the second discard. I was not going to respond to him, but her words kept playing in my head. Ultimately my decision, but when you doubt yourself and someone reinforces that, it plays a role.
Thank you for this one!!!!! I was feeling so guilty about my own interrupting, and talking too much about myself, and doing things that felt selfish to me when I knew I wouldn't get the opportunity to do them if I "waited for my turn". If you lay down with dogs you will get fleas was the one that really hit me today.
During the love-bombing stage my narc said out loud (she didn't realize that I had removed my noise-cancelling headphones) "I wonder when Steve will break". Extra weird that her tone of voice was kind of "dreamy"! I did challenge her with, "What the hell does that mean?!" She replied with a shrug and a smile. Red flag? Sure. Did I listen? Nope. I passed it up to her other quirks, She showed me. I shoulda listened.
That's chilling.
At the beginning he told me that he didn't want a girlfriend, that he didn't need anyone, that he didn't love anyone and that he really meant it. I think I stayed hoping that he would change his mind, I was afraid of being alone and I wanted him to love me. After 5 years of dating, I now know that he was telling the truth, he only loves himself.
Self blame was my go-to place in the face of a red flag. It took me decades and a lot of help to understand the patterns. The shaming in the presence of people I cared about, the ruined special occasions. The theft of happiness. All of it leading to “there’s something wrong with me”. No more ❤
Dr Ramani You've become my head's mother. I go to sleep listening to your voice and wake up, make myself a cup of tea, and listen to your new and past videos in my bed! In fact I even pray for you now, as I've watched so much of you talking, it's like I live in your house; sounds weird but I don't know how to explain it lols. Your care and wisdom are keeping me from insanity and tears.
Yes! I need to listen again a few more times! I have been the one who lays with dogs and wakes up with fleas. It’s a sibling and I’m amazed at how much of my speech matches hers! She is 65 and I’m 58… it’s so freakin’ strange when you wake up and see it for yourself! 😮
It was so heartwarming to finally see someone really into me. Little to know I was walking into a trap.
My problem was that this relationship was my first interracial relationship, and I chalked it up to different values because I am Black and he was White. Different cultural values that is. He was also 9 years younger than me so I chalked a lot of the red flags up to immaturity. Also enablers would constantly tell me..." Give him a chance.. he really loves you!" If it had not been for lock downs during covid, I don't think I would have ever entertained him. I will never date a white man again. It seems like narcissism is more instantly recognizable in men of my race.
Dr. Ramani - My favourite doctor on TH-cam ❤
Mine too ❤
I 3rd that.
I'm most afraid of falling for a "well-behaved" communal narcissist that presents convincingly as humble and loving.
If you are having trouble telling others about what is happening, try saying it out loud to yourself first, then tell yourself in the mirror until you feel you can tell others. Might help!
I like this quote: An alternative theory for the origins of the flower Narcissus name take us to narcotics, rather than Narcissus.
The exact origin of the name of the plant known as narcissus is actually unknown, and some scholars linked the word to a Greek word for intoxicated (as in narcotic), with the word’s spelling and pronunciation gradually morphing into ‘narcissus’, under pressure from the name found in classical myth.
This theory is borne out by the fact that one genus of the flower, the aptly named Narcissus poeticus (found in Greece), has a scent which has been described as intoxicating, like a narcotic drug. It's hell on earth getting burned by these types...but initially they seem to have ecerything I don't! The whole game is a lie that I don't want to participate in ever again.
Admittedly, we can all too easily turn a 'blind eye' to the narcissist's red flags. However, some of these are incredibly subtle and difficult to see clearly and understand. We can hardly explain them to ourselves, nevermind others.
Thanks for the great content, Dr Ramani 👌
I had a narc cousin and a narc family so when my cousin tried to flying monkey me, I got lucky and unlucky in that I re-raised his challenge of urging me to play basketball (I was a fat slob, still fat but not as fat as before) I reoffered the idea of living with his family and that's what got me out of the shell. Within a few months I learned hard and fast since these were not just lower class people, they would do things my mom and dad never did for me like allow me to commute, drink beer with me and talk about their issues and I felt listened to but really I was the one listening to them. Things got sour when the narc cousin took a master's course in the top 2 university in the country on corporate psychology. In one fell swoop, I got abducted into a psych ward and only released after my grandmother died after I tried saving her from this other relative doctor who may or may not be a grandiose narcissist but she was high on the food chain of Metropolitan Medical Center (a well rated hospital due to its predominant Chinese speaking culture) but the doctor I sought out was from an even higher and more premium hospital known as Asian so when I handed her the permission slip for a second opinion, she literally screamed MI is MI in front of me and my grandmother who had Myocardial Infraction. Things got worse when my grandmother had to be released and literally as she was being pulled off the bed and had a heart attack so I had to seek out these cousins. Boy even after six psych wards with top psychologists justifying their actions as stating "a heart attack can happen to an old lady and it just happens" and that I'm catastrophizing and let's not get started on the top psychiatrists and the whole Mindfreedom psychs who say they are pro-freedom but you can't visit their country cause you're not a local or these BetterHelp psychos who ambulance staff will say aren't doctors from the PH when they beat you up and send you to a psych ward...damn...took me ages and years and all the psychiatric drugs...today, after my narc mom and narc dad held my bank account and passport and I was stuck at home, I didn't expect the father of the narc cousin My Uncle, the one I treated as my true father. No, not surrogate father. Not 2nd dad. My father...the one who with his wife sent me to the first psych ward with the wife (My Aunt Lol) literally grabbing a dinosaur lying on the table and said this is where you will carve wooden dinosaurs before being tricked into that basement of a cage with no clock, no sunlight and fed cigs that staff would smoke up to the filter while you were in Risperdal... I couldn't believe I could finally yellow rock these people. Like I wasn't on my A game, I could grey rock but my anxiety and fear (and lol no it's not CPTSD and it's not PTSD if your abuser can literally send you with a phone call and 9-1-1 and cops and CHR won't help you) so when the Uncle tried to "apir" me. A local word for hand clap as if you two are buddies, I just stared into the floor, did my best poker face without looking too traumatic (lest you get put into more drug pills in later psychiatric sessions) acknowledge him with a hand wave gesture without touching his hands and man, with all my mind racing. My cortisol levels spiking. My HR pumping. I couldn't believe how the years have trained me. Like these people didn't even gesture me. No beer invites, no how are yous. And the best part? Didn't bother me. ON THIS DAY. Like literally today. I'm not saying I was numb. I'm saying I finally leveled up my empathy and for the first time I didn't feel like I had to repress myself for these people in order to survive them. Yeah, it's a small gesture since I didn't want to trauma dump but you said to comment and it ain't 6 years of abuse and 6 years of helping others but heck what a day.
This is kind of long and generalized but some red flags are:
1. When I would answer the phone and bump into my Aunt, my Uncle would literally gaslight me for bulldozing her. Keep in mind, this is heavy empath stuff on my Uncle's part. Guy would play with me as a kid when my entire family isolated me. Drank beer with me but then you can tell once they start bringing in the parents, once they start being an agent (per Dr. Todd Greene's wording) you're not dealing with a flying monkey anymore. You're dealing with an agent.
2. Rock collection? No permission, just threw away citing baby could get hurt when it was on top of the drawer.
3. Indie film? Fuck that. Go to film school. 6 months we don't care if your staff and artists are on associative contracts and you haven't registered with the SEC cause the gatekeeper didn't want you to sign both e-commerce and a production on the slip of paper after hours of waiting - fuck that, let's ruin it all.
4. Girl you love got married while you were in the same psych ward? Fuck that, years later (like literally hours ago) narc mom would ask, don't you plan to get married? Said the chick I love got married already...why is she the only girl in the world? Think it's some low level romance stuff? Revealed to the narc mom in my 6th ward full of bed bugs that I got raped by my cousin (not from this side of the family, the other side) narc mom on the phone wouldn't even empathize. Pretty much pulled the god card of forgiveness even though she's a heavy buddhist member of Ocean Sky (famous local Buddhist non-temple gathering) and other minor Buddhist temples but since she's half-Catholic...damn man, you'd think she was Mother Theresa or something.
Lots more but ya'll probably tl;dring right now. Just replying to the vid.
So many men act like narcissists I just thought he was “a guy”. And his love bombing was skilled. A Communal narcissist with great credibility. He didn’t reveal his narcissism for six years in our long distance relationship until we finally moved in together and he thought he “had” me. I found it totally confusing until I understood narcissism.
Your insight and understanding of Narcissistic abuse is a gift...thank you Dr Ramini
When i was a child i was just a love sweet girl that wanted love and give love... And i got silend by my class b mother. And i count escape because i am disabeld and chronicle ill.. I was fighting for my live and for my fathers live... Sadly my father was stuck mentally in the relationship he saw it but then thought i need to save her.. We needed always forgive. But i saw it i unmasked her i was to kind in the beginning but i changed to survive and help and save my father.. Now he see more and more he learns now so much and sees. Even do i count bearly tell this because there where stuff i happend i don't want trigger people now.. But aldo i took me my live and i still need to fight for protection but at least i saved not only me but also my father 😢❤ after that sadly alot happend again with a demon i cant evenn tell it yet.. But i fight back and i see it all and learn alot fron you i want to learn self devence even do i qm chronicle sick and lay disabled on bed so nobody can hurt me again! We are suvivors warriors and yes i see all the red flegs i can say goodbye to toxic people i do this alot no contact. But somthimes in my situations when you depend littlary fiscally on some one my goal is to be rich work on my empire dreams goals and missions and the wonderful life i deserve and my loved ones and ofcourses all this people here deserves a good live you can do it. I wish it for us all
I think if you keep busy than a Narcissist can't use you for their own benefit. And you can set limits on what availability of your time, things or self, if any, you're willing to allow to give. Because a Narcissist expects you to be available at all time, boundaries help you feel empowered. If shit feels weird......it probably is!
I’m going to listen to this ‘RED FLAGS of WARNING’ until it is a part of my WISDOM!
Thank You DR. RAMANI!
🙏🏻💛🔆🕊🍃
I can see another video coming up about folk wisdom/proverbs that don't serve any of us who have had narcissistic relationships... two come to mind: There is no smoke without fire.... I takes 2 to tango.
I got the 'two to tango.'
Best response to that is 'It takes 8 to square dance.'
You are so right Dr. Ramani! I first recognized something was wrong TWO MONTHS into the relationship! His attitude suddenly got demanding and his face and eyes even changed with his anger. I fluffed it off and went along to get along and stayed 8 years through sick and reckless behavior, mocking and misery. Now that I am out I have gotten to the point where I can look back and see my part in this relationship. It makes me sick to think of what I normalized, for the sake of this or that reason. I used to think, don't throw the baby out with the bath water, stay for the kids sake, stay because he helps me in some ways despite being awful in other areas. I convinced myself that when I called him out he was hearing my concerns, when in fact he would just not respond to me (avoidance), then repeat same or similar behaviors. I had to remember who I was before we became a couple. I was smart, self sufficient, and didn't need anyone but I wanted someone. I tried to make it work with a man who continued to destroy, disrupt, cause damage with his reckless behavior, threaten others, show abuse towards animals, and the list goes on and on. I was being used, abused and tattooed, as the say. I up and left to his shock and dismay. He hovered the hell out of me initially and sometimes I went back only for history to repeat itself. I finally set a boundary and told him if he crossed this line I WAS GONE!!! Of course that day came and I walked out taking everything I owned...not even leaving a photo, or a dime behind that would remind him of me. This was all before I knew there was a name for it. I now know I was with a Narcissist and Sociopath. It was liberating and painful as well when I finally stumbled on what this truly was. I warned his 15 yr. old son who researched it online and came back to me by text saying thank you for the education, it now makes sense. I pray I have given him the tools to not follow in his fathers path. If nothing else, he now has a name for what it took me 8 years to discover and learn about. Despite this being a horribly painful experience in my life it finally woke me up to the nature of these types of human beings and how often I have come in contact with them. I won't fall for this behavior ever again when I see it.
I couldn’t believe what he was upset about, so it had to be my fault. He was so cool, calm and collected in the beginning. I never met anyone like this. I wanted to believe that he was better than he really was.
He doesn’t really mean that. He’s young. He’ll learn. I really wanna be with this guy. He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s cute. He’s an up and comer. I think he’s “the one.”
Red flags early on: blocking my closest friend and my daughter after they say something, he did not like … intolerance to a difference of opinion in most basic things… attacking a character I the midst of a “benign” argument, aggression with slightest perceived criticism, poor boundaries, triangulation, inability to answer a simple question, laying for no reason, emotional instability with severe mood swings.
All of these showed up so early in the relationship … but I did not know, what it was.
Until I knew about Narcissism .
My parent showed plenty of red flags when I was little lol Can't step away when you're a kiddie. But adults with narc parents can distance themselves with low contact once they accept that the negative effects on their lives will continue, No contact with parents is cruel and should be reserved for the worst abusers. But you won't regret keeping a healthy distance from a narcissist parent- your life will be better for it.
If one is profoundly living out a neverending pattern of narcissistic abuse, then NO AMOUNT of red flags that have been pushed down into one's subconscious will mean anything at all other than the usual: "it's all my fault." Or words to that effect. One HAS to find THAT PLACE in one where one says: "I'm ENOUGH!!!!!" KEEP. SAYING IT. AND. BELIEVING IT. ♥️💪
The red flag I did not pick up on was competitiveness towards me. I thought it was just a ‘guy thing’ as so many men I know are competitive whether narcissistic or not. So yes, he ended up being competitive towards me as his partner rather than supportive and could never be happy for me.
Me too!
Yes!!!
🚩 he was a truck driver, rarely came to see me, but called one night saying he only had a little time and asked me to meet him at IHOP for a late meal. I went, all dressed up, and asked him why I didnt hear from him very much. He said it was because I complained that he didnt call me very much and that I was extremely difficult to deal with...i needed to change if I was going to recieve his attention.
He had no emotion as I was crying over my crepes. How did I miss this? He is not even that good looking....13 years of NA and 4 kids later, I am here feeling like a shell of myself. There were so many 🚩 !!
I have found hope in Jesus Christ though! His love keeps me going
Narcs use inverse they accuse you of the very thing they are plp use projection ! Be AWARE I had learn hard way ! Horrible
I cried listening to this. Because you speak the truth. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I love the work you have done to make us ALL aware of this personality disorder!!! Thank you so very much!!
Almost every one of the rationales applied to me. Got out and and am now getting healthy!
Yes, admittedly I saw the red flags. My empathy and wanting to help made me tolerate it.. made excuses for poor behaviour bc of past trauma.
ALL a mistake I have learned from and continue to heal and grow from.
All three of my narcissist wives were so great at lying. First two discarded me. The last one I discarded. Third wife I realized on our wedding day at celebration dinner after wedding she was a liar 🤥! I poured myself into that third marriage actually all three. I couldn’t stand it anymore especially when pushed down steps. Thank you Dr Ramani everything you have ever said is right on truth. I could say you saved my life.
The narcissist of my life was my mother.
I was only 5 years old when I saw the first red flags. At that age there was nothing I could do, furthermore society pressures you to honor your mother. Respect the one who breathed life into you, puts food in your stomach, and more.
It took me until 27 years of age to finally leave my mother. That was due to a couple of different things. One: an opportunity had arisen to take off from my mother in the form of a non-profit organization providing shelter as well as a case manager who enabled me to have permission to tell my mother "no" for the first time with no consequence. Two: a second non-profit organization had educated me on domestic violence finally putting a name to what I was experiencing.
I wouldn't have learned about narcissism until I was between the ages of 28 and 29 years of age, when someone who had escaped a narcissistic boyfriend/husband upon telling her my experiences with my mom she interjects "oh she's a narcissist.". Not long after hearing this, that was the first time I had seen Dr Ramani as a guest on Women Of Impact. After that I subscribed to her channel and continue to educate myself to reinforce self-care and distancing myself from my mom.
I thought it was from the drinking. It was so much worse when he was drinking... in the beginning. Two years later I quit drinking. My drinking had gotten out of control and I went through a program to quit. I still lean on what i've learned and i've been sober eight years now. He never got better. He quit drinking but he was still a jerk. When I started calling him out- he found a back door. It became completely psychological until even my c-reactive protein levels were out of control. I didn't even know what that meant until i'd been gone for months- and finally went a whole month without his hoovering- before my test results showed them back to normal.
I'd already had acceptance that I was good as dead when we escaped.
Sadly, i've had to contact the police again this week. Hoovering in a way that I actually fell for it. They're always looking for a backdoor, a sidedoor, a basement window, a hairline crack in the structure.
I have been with two fellas in my adult life who have narcissistic traits (had kiddos with one, married the other). It took a lot of mental gymnastics to finally see it. Being comfortable with my solitude has helped me build up my boundaries and has given me the much needed time for self reflection. My empathy has helped me excuse bad behavior.
Now, I coparent the best I can but I did upset the kids father recently. I put up some boundaries and he got so upset. Name calling and gaslighting, but I was able to recognize it this time. I stayed neutral, made my expectations clear ("please provide our children with undies and toothbrushes during your weekends or I can't, in good faith, release them to you"), and I did not give him the fight he desired. He threatened me with court, police, called me scorned. Well, guess who got new underwear and toothbrushes? Yup, kiddos. I'm not asking for the moon, just basic care for the younglings!
I will no longer enable bad behavior. I will not be anyone's "supply."
Thanks, Dr. R for the information. It is worth its weight in gold.
Edit:Yes, I am in therapy 😅
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” My parent with narc personality traits, always said this. Funny.
I felt defective because I have a narcissistic parent. Also, I was desperate to get married because of was over 30 and felt like damaged goods. Yep. All my friends were gettin married. Plus, I felt like it was the best I could do at that time.