Feeling so validated especially when you said irritability is a human emotion especially if you're being abused by narcissists. My narc dad would purposely try to irritate me by clanging dishes loudly, turning up volume on his radio show to full blast so that I could hear it in my room with headphones on, he'd move my stuff without telling me and I'd have to search the house to find it, and he'd bring up topics he knew I didn't want to talk about and kept repeating it and picking at me. And he'd keep doing it until I lost it and expressed my anger, then he'd get this sick disgusting flash of satisfaction in his eyes and smirk. Then he'd say, "You need to calm down. You're so angry all the time." These narc relationships make you angry, confused, disgusted, and ashamed.
This is (not all the same actions, but the same tactic) what my ex does to our daughter. And he says the same things and I deal with her irritability as she tries to get back into balance at my house
Ugh ... I (and my kids) can relate 100%! My narcissistic spouse does all the stuff you mentioned and more. His new favorite thing is locking us out of the house when we take the dog out to the bathroom and then "not hearing" us when we knock to get let back in. I made extra keys for all of us, and we always keep one on our person now. It's all so ridiculous! I hope you can find some peace from the narcissistic noise and abuse in your life! ❤
I'm dealing with the same thing. I bought a $1500 bed for my dad to sleep on after he broke his hip, and he refuses to enter the bedroom where I put it. He says there's "things that need to be worked out," before he moves in. He plays the 12 hour rainstorm in the wee hours as loud as our 70" tv will play it and gradually raises and raises the volume. And then dares us to do or say anything. I was told (after his healing set in) the bed and bedroom was the sorriest excuse for doing something nice for someone that he had ever seen. My son and husband were appalled at his actions and have written him off as mentally ill. But I still have to take care of him 😔
"A heavy unhappiness" is the perfect way to describe my childhood, and adulthood. Dr.Ramani really understands this on such a deep level. I will forever be grateful for her.
for so long it was nothing but that feeling, im so glad ive found the platonic love of my friends to change my mindset, i still struggle a lot but it really brightened my overall disposition. i hope you're healing as well.
@@bugglemagnum6213 I am happy for you, and thanks for your kind thoughts. I left my husband in 2018 and went no contact with my family the same year. I am feeling so much better and I have the love of a wonderful man. We are healing together.
Spent 48 years, 44 married, to my narcissistic ex. He decided he wanted out at 44 years of marriage telling me “I’m too selfish & self-centered to be with anyone!” Yes, I knew that before we married & I should have run the other way but I had been love bombed & fell in love. It was too late & back then & until after he left I had never heard of narcissistic people. No excuse, my gut was telling me something isn’t right here! It’s been 41/2 years since he left. I’ve been disabled for about 30 years, couldn’t drive anymore for years but he didn’t care, never did. My problem since he split is the NONSTOP ruminating I can’t seem to control. I’m not able to sleep & it’s really effecting my ability to even function properly. I’m trying & working so hard, been seeing a therapist for over 3 years but it’s just not helping. I wake many times when I do get to sleep & ruminating & intrusive thoughts start immediately! How can I stop this? I’m barely hanging on & my medical issues are getting so much worse. I need real help!! Please, if anyone has any advice or opinions for me I’d be so very grateful. Yes, I’ve tried all the sleep hygiene things & nothing helps. HELP!! PLEASE!!!! Thank you so much & I’m very sorry this is so long.
"Irritability is a normal manifestation of stress." Yet, when women display irritability, we are rarely met with compassion & understanding. We are more often met with judgment and insults.
@@madge2114 it's sick minded to think that irritability and lashing out at somebody should be met with compassion ...a sick mentality to think that this is ok. Free Palestine
Females are put down and told all sorts of things because it is not a male/female thing. Where is your research? Research into male female things says differently.@@dampergoldenrod4156
Thank you for validating irritability. It's hard to be surrounded by toxic positivity today on social media and in the workplace when narcissism is at its peak. My narcissist would call me a "piss ant" if I expressed irritability in response to their behavior. I learned to be stoic after that. Being stoic then became their new favorite insult for me. You can't win, except by leaving.
When I was still with the narcissistic abuser I had migraines, concentration difficulties, sleep issues, rashes, IBS symptoms and anxiety. After a year and a half away from them and 6 months of no contact I am doing much better with all of those issues. No migraines and no IBS. Interestingly, when I was going through my divorce and had to speak to him on the phone I would get a rash on my face. I would never get a rash on my face at any other time. I am still dealing with some concentration issues, anxiety, and sleep disturbances but can feel myself getting better over time. Finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Literally all the symptoms i had when i was with my ex. Im also dealing with anxiety and concentration issues. But I’ve been writing in a journal and once in a while ill go back and see how far I’ve come along. It helps.
This is so very real. During my parents’ divorce in my teens I would get terrible eczema around the edges of my lips - specifically only when my dad was in town. Very difficult to deny the correlation because he worked a very regular rotational schedule 2wk on / 2wk off. My eczema would flare up when I had to deal with him, and slowly heal while he was away.
Yes--having to be in a narcissistic relationship and feeling that there's no way out can create apathy. It can make you feel like your own life isn't worth living. Not that you'd directly cause harm to yourself, but you start caring less about your own health. And that is so sad because you are an empathetic person with lots of love to give, and boy howdy, the world needs that! Needs YOU!
@@chrisrendino1529 I never heard term, i went to mental health clinic before and they said they couldn't help unless I was suicidal. This term answers what I was feeling. Thank you.
Ohhh gooood !!! At first I thought I was going nuts. I kept blaming myself. Hahaha narcs are just evil evil evil !!! My concentration is back. I’m me again a better me! I like me! People like me ! I don’t try to please people anymore. I don’t have to. I can laugh and joke enjoy my world. People may think I’m weird. I am weird and I enjoy it. That’s their issues their problems. I can walk away. Yea me! 😊
In reading the comments, I had the most vivid memory. To my surprise, when I was a senior in high school, my mother offered to pay for me to go to Europe for a couple of weeks with my French class. I was absolutely delighted at the thought. She told me I couldn't go if I screamed at her in the next couple of months before the trip. Then she got in my face a couple of times and screamed insults at me at a very high decible. Although I initially resisted, I eventually screamed back and she took the trip away. I feel quite certain that she decided she didn't want to pay for the trip and provoked me so she could renege. I've 71 now and I've been to Europe 3 times but I still feel a pang at the loss of that trip.
My father did thst with a " horse fund", his idea and Ibwiuld earn $1 and match it and he would give me $4. So my 10 year old self got busy earning money by babysitting at 50 cents an hour. I saved my birthdsy and gift money. I sold kool-aid in the flaming sun, I feed and qalked people's dogs. I kept track of what I made but gave him the money everytime I earned it to put " in the horse fund". When I had $400 in my notebook, I went to my Dad who did not keep track, snd told him I had enough for my horse.I was so excited as this took me 3 years to accomplish at 10-13. He then laughed, and said " Okay, now you need to pay for the fence, and gleefully watched as I was crestfallen.
My father was a torment as well. He vascillated between nice dad, evil torment dad to unhinged aggression. I hated it. He would accuse me of things I had not done and he loved to bait. He looked so good as he worked hard and I had lots of toys. I'd have traded every toy for a stable upbringing
Thank you for sharing. I don't know that I've ever shared that experience before and it makes me feel less alone. I hope you got a horse somewhere along the way. Please be good to yourself. It's harder than it should be with a history of such experiences. @@brendaplunkett8659
Thank you. You know, I've always mostly blamed myself for my loss of control, even it was provoked, and I feel way better about that memory with the support I've gotten.@@gigiarmany
no matter how much sleep I get, I never ever feel rested. It's chronically exhausting and I hate this feeling. Been feeling this way as long as I can remember.
Be sure you go to your doctor to have a thorough medical exam to be sure you don't need some kind of nutritional or hormonal help. If you've been in a narcissistic relationship for a long time, it can lead to neglecting your overall health. Good luck!
Echoing the other commenter who recommended you get checked out by your doctor just to be sure. Your comment made me think of a friend of mine who found out she had sleep apnea. She'd sleep, but still wake tired, and in her case it was because she wasn't breathing fully/properly while sleeping. Good luck.
I got physically sick. I had a lot of stomach issues. I went to the hospital 3 times in the 3 years of being in the relationship. The gastro doctor said to start doing whatever I stopped doing because the stress is killing me. Once I left, I'd never had any stomach issues again. It's been 16 years now.
Yeah my 'PMT' and IBS magically cleared up when I was no longer living with someone who deliberately upset me to make themselves feel better. Funny that...
Just the same that happened to my friend. He literally had to grip his stomach any time he was around that ex narcissist female friend. I knew what was going on was getting too chronic so I made sure I spent my free time after my college classes to be around him so he had at least somebody stable around him so he could know he has a mental cooling off place away from her hectic ways and her blatant draining of him. she was so toxic I hardly knew her and I immediately had a pain all the way down my spine whenever she was near me. One day I asked my friend how was his stomach because he never was gripping it when he was anywhere with me and he realized he was just fine and it was the beginning of things starting to click and rebuilt and he really got furious to realize he was being heavily duped and mentally sucked down to nothing and she was taking credit for everything he did around her and telling others she did and went to places he did so she appears more important and interesting to more people to win over and dupe. After a while, just like me with my own narcissistic partner (who was the only one who said we were engaged) he found the strength to finally say “no more” and pounced at the moment when she was majorly stumbling and getting caught in one of her mind game schemes with another person who don’t deserve her treatment either by striking hard and fast and done. Nothing she could do could cull him back and she did exactly what the narcs I had in my life did, including abusing the phone at all hours especially at night because she knows he’s a bit of a light sleeper unless really tired out and she just kept the phone ringing solely to irritate and ruin his progress of healing without her around.
I have horrible Gerd… wake up everyday with sour taste in my mouth. My whole ribcage is tight. I hold the stress from my husband in my body. I just can’t find people who experience these same symptoms..
@@A93-qg9xjthere are plenty out there they just think they have health issues and don't make the connection with theie relationships. Especially when the narcs make US feel guilty for being ill because it inconveniences THEM so we feel like we can-t reach out to others dor support. Detachment is the best tool - we can't fix them they will never be happy we just have to do what is best for us and ignore their tantrums and control tactics.
@38:07 "I am a firm believer that these narcissistic relationships take YEARS off of our lives. The CONSTANT sympathetic nervous system activation [fight-flight-freeze response] means that our bodies are running at a state of physiological strain that puts a lot of wear and tear on us for the long term. It's like driving a car into the ground and never getting the oil changed or the car maintained." The even BIGGER issue is the fact that, even once the damage is "known," it cannot be seen and there is no one known way to TRULY clear away/repair the damage. The whole world is full of damaged people (who got that way by other damaged people -- parents, teachers, love interest, boss, neighbor, "friend," etc, etc. All along the way, trauma bonds are being formed - between those who have endured narcissistic abuse and the new abusers as they come in and out of your life. We all need to STOP the madness!!!
A heavy unhappiness. Perfect description of the feeling that comes over a grade-schooler as the school day ends and the bus delivers her back to the narcissist.
I tried my hardest to stay at school as long as possible. Ban, track, tennis school paper, stage crew. pit orchestra ... anything to stay away from my mom.
Oh my, me too. I loved school and was filled with a sickening feeling in my stomach as I got closer to home. The bus dropped me off and I walked up the lane stressing over what I might be coming home to. When I went in ( I was made to go through the back door into the basement to enter like I wasn’t good enough to come in the front door) I could immediately “ feel” in the air what kind of night it was going to be before I even saw anyone. You could literally feel it
My narcissistic mother started me in kindergarten late because she wanted to spend more time with me. She told everybody it was because I was stupid. I then turned out to be a very bright student who loved learning. When my mom realized my success could give her supply, she put an incredible amount of pressure for me to maintain my high performance. She took away my love for school. I used to love school and left me confused and scared about my worth. I was either smart or stupid depending on how she wanted to think of me. The emotional incest was disgusting.
Not just happening to children. I’m far better educated than my Narc and, depending on how he wants to appear to other people, I’m still either stupid or brilliant.
Oh my God.😢😮😔 This video is only been up for a few hours and there's more than one person who has said some part of what I felt was just alien to my own childhood? Thank you I'm so sorry that any of you know this stuff too. I'm so used to that shell game of apologize justifier explain even though I'm almost 50 and my mom passed away in September of 2021. Every comment preceding mine some part I can relate to. My mom kept from starting kindergarten with my peers . My ADHD and diagnosis of Asperger's autism we're completely kept from me until I was taking care of my mom are trying to during the lockdown when she had cancer. I found the paperwork in the attic. I apologize if this comment seems chip chop I had a stroke and have to do talk to text. In kindergarten I was reading on a college level but emotionally I was still a kid. She had no problem telling everyone I was gifted. When I confronted her at 45 years old about having kidney ASD diagnosis she said those doctors didn't know anything anyway and girls don't get hyperactive or autistic at least they didn't in the seventies. And if everyone had known I was the r-word I would never have gotten married or finished college ironically I worked in the mental health profession as a counselor for many years yet I was too close to the situation to know my mother had as many psych issues as she did. The year and a half after my father died when she took ill it fell into my hands to be medical POA because I was the closest geographically of us. Definitely resented it accuse me of trying to run her life control it etc. Her psychiatrist at the one facility knew me for my clinicals two decades earlier and openly discussed her diagnosis of BPD and histrionic as if I knew. It was very very eye-opening. Utter disregard of HIPAA but did give me a necessary jolt to examine the situation with a lot more focus. I'm very sad that none of my extended family wishes to communicate with me. Gifted and brilliant lazy freeloading r word depending on which member of the family she was triangulation hell bent on screwing with. She used to be very proud of my vocabulary my grades telling me off and how she wanted to make sure I did not have the same fear that she had as an immigrant child smacked around by nuns when she didn't know the right answer. She wanted me to love books and learning and I do. But the social development the outside of the home life life outside of our lives at home became a slight to her and a threat. Anytime I mentioned any teacher or child with whom I had more than a passing connection to, suddenly boundaries would dissolve. I remember her taking my first grade teacher out with us to dinner after my piano lesson for Chinese food. And how it was a big secret or supposed to be which is kind of a form of emotional incest. That sweet nun was the same age my mom was. Years and years she left the convent out as lesbian. I remember she had a dog and played guitar. After dinner my mom invited her over. I introduced her to all my curious George's and Babar stuffed animals just like when a new babysitter first visited our house she gave me a lot more attention focus in conversation then I realize she realistically could in a classroom full of 50 kids. My mom to be very engaging and charismatic and now that I think about it she was actually really beautiful too. The nun laughed more than I'd ever seen her laugh throwing her lhead back in laughter her Black veil fell off.., at 6 years old I wasn't sure if those were sewn on or she was bald but she just had a little pixie cut. The next day in school I remember feeling really alienated because she acted like that it happened at all. There were so many secrets that my mom binding people to. I felt like such a fool because I told my friend Heather that we'd gone to dinner which sister Angie and that she'd come over and play with our cats and dog even flew the paper airplanes my older brother passed to her. Back then seeing a teacher outside of school was like seeing a celebrity it was a source of Honor amazing and embarrassment to be sitting in the cart with my brother at the stop n shop and find his third grade teacher Mrs Kumar what with tomatoes apricot jars of Gerber and toilet paper. There's disorienting object permanence issues I suppose😂 just because I read our encyclopedia didn't mean I had all my ducks in the row I'm sure I didn't think they lived at the school but I just remembered my mom would get so mad anytime I mentioned a new playmate from school and years and years and years later even as she was dying she would use about how close we once were. How she had me tested they said I could skip a grade ahead but she kept me back Natchez the current year but one extra because she knew I was a Mama's girl . Complicated grief is effing complicated 😢😢😢 I was a mama's girl and I wasn't. Oddly enough my mom would say that about her own relationship with my grandma who died in her 90s in 2013. Grandma and I pretty close for being a 3-hour drive apart. And my mother used to freak TF out every time Grandma's coming to visit. However in her last year and a half my mom convinced herself she was Graham's favorite and always had been in my dad and I would just look at each other across the table choking on the excrement. Sorry I used your comment section for group therapy Dr Ramani. Recently lost my health insurance but absolutely need to talk to a therapist myself at this point!
Not all who pursue therapy are ready for it. Therapy only works when the intent of the one who is in therapy combines with the aim of the therapy itself -- to heal, release, emerge as a kinder human, etc... If a narcissist is not ready to reform, they never will.
One thing you didn't mention (that also produces a lot of stress) is "taking care" of the codependents--the talking (vicarious reliving) of other people's experiences with the narcissist, the soothing and collective self-gaslighting of the codependents who don't want to face the collective reality. Self-isolation isn't just about the 1 narcissist, it's about all the codependent people who orbit them with false narratives and even try to build community with those narratives.
@@chillout1738so very true. Even though my mom passed away two years ago there the enablers in flying form continue. I'm crazy. I'm also on drugs. Or need to be medicated. I want attention. I'm a liar. Etc. I tried like an idiot to connect with some of my extended family Thanksgiving which was the day after my birthday 🎈 it was kind of devastating to see the social media postings of great nieces and nephews I'll never meet and just that whole feeling... It was really extra hurtful this year. Reached out to one cousin whose birthday is the week before mine phone call was intercepted by her sister who was in California visiting from the Midwestern State where her suburban condo is not a mile from my home. I was told by the older local cousin to delete her sisters number because we reap what we sow and after the way I treated her auntie I really ought to be ashamed because that's a commandment and how could I dare be so full of myself that I would think cheat forget about it after all that was her family.... Which means I am what to her? The other side of the family is pretty convinced that my father and I were estranged when he died and that I'd had an acrimonious relationship for 20 years... My eldest brothers widow enlightened me to that particular narrative. In actuality my father and I were really close it was devastating the year he was dying I got divorced cancer hysterectomy no vehicle so I actually stole a bike I later returned in order to visit my dad 20 mi across town. For the month prior my mom did all that she could to prevent it 😢
@@mic396 peoples on the far negative side of cluster b personality disorders can not change. They are personality disorders. Therapy teaches narcs what to do but I don't believe a "self aware narc" will change. They all have self awareness to a certain point, they know when they are abusive and feel shame for being caught. But they don't see themselves as the real problem so there is nothing for them to "change". Imo.
Only ten minutes in and I am starting to doubt my recent diagnosis. Recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD, ocd, cptsd.... I've had trauma since birth. Raised by a circus. Not really but they were all crazy. Now i only have long term relationships with toxic people. I'm really starting to think this is all just cptsd.
very sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. Unfortunately, you're carrying that energy (abuse, cptsd, etc) in your field and hence, will continue to attract people into your world which ignite/activate that energy... and it "feels familiar" so it seems like "it's supposed to be this way..." Keep pursuing the things which provide you energetic release of the trauma -- grounding, art, exercise, meditation, etc. Namaste ✨
I miss art..... I used to be so creative... I lost everything. Honestly thinking about moving into a d v shelter. I'm couch surfing right now. I've gone back four times.... I will not be a statistic. They say you go back seven.
I showed very strong signs of OCD as a child before any “trauma”, and realise it was likely a subconscious anxious manifestation of trying to have control over something knowing the family dynamic wasn’t “quite right”. Now I both have OCD and CPTSD. I would take the former over the latter any day.
Fight and flight get a lot of air time when people talk about the sympathetic nervous system. But it’s important to remember that there’s also freeze and fawn. I suspect that those of us who are codependent-and who are at an increased risk of becoming narcissistic supply-are especially prone to freeze and fawn.
My “parents “ had ridiculous expectations. They refused to invest in my education such as overseeing homework or even providing paper and pencils (I embarrassingly had to borrow from my classmates constantly), yet I was expected to get A’s. I started my life in extreme poverty ( nothing but the clothes on my back and told to GET OUT the day I turned 18. As a girl, I am lucky to be alive). And yet, I was somehow expected to become a doctor even though they screamed at me when I suggested they co sign a college loan. I hate it when the comfortable class says when there’s a will there’s a way when one is living in poverty. The ultimate gaslighting.
I keep you on all night. Your books are on audible all night long with me so that when I wake with ruminations or panic attacks your voice of reason is already in my ears connecting to my brain and helping me out of the spiral. Thank you
I got cancer after dealing with a narcissist for 38 years of marriage. The chaos and craziness I endured, left me weak and fragile and I am a strong person. I finally asked him to leave.
I’ve been sick since day one. Hypertension, stokes, seizures, multiple surgeries, PTSD, anxiety, depression; lost home, friends, family, career and my looks. He sucked life out of me. I had a career bringing me all around the world. Now I hide inside a gated community - afraid to show the stranger that is now me to the stranger that was once me. I’m horrified and ashamed of this me and that me. Radical acceptance is all that is left. Now I’m disabled and elderly. Run now my friends while you can. THIS INSIDIOUS ABUSE IS A R E A L THING !!!
I have all of these symptoms omg especially irritability.. i thought i was simply a bad person who doesn't have any control over their actions... this cleared up a lot of things for me. Please Dr.Ramani don't stop making these videos.. they help us more than you can imagine. Thank you❤
You thought you were simply a bad person, that’s what they are best at. Nothing wrong with them!! It’s you. I divorced mine, he promised to destroy me if I did. 30 years on I can still feel sad that I believed that about myself. It’s not you ❤ my heart goes out to you ❤️
Absolutely true on the sleep meds I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for over 17 years that got me put on benzodiazepines and an antidepressant. I ended up getting AKATHISIA from the anti-depressant and it made me crave alcohol so I had to stop at abruptly and the doctor, after 12 years, decided to stop the benzodiazepine abruptly, I did not sleep for a year and a half at all, except for maybe 20 minute micro naps every few days. It’s also best not to go to a doctor for psychiatric medication during narcissistic abuse because you will never feel better being under abuse and then they will use your Treatment seeking against you. If you think that you’re struggling from the mental effects of narcissistic abuse, just wait until you add psychiatric drug withdrawal on top of that, and there is no drug to help that I’m surprised I am still alive.
Having your benzo uninformed doctor abruptly stop your meds is tantamount to malpractice. Benzos must always be slowly decreased precisely to not cause your problems. They are powerful drugs that attach to brain GABA receptors and must never be stopped abruptly, though few prescribing doctors in the states are aware of this. A quick google diazepam search will blow you away. Praying for your continued recovery from real abusers and those who abuse through ignorance. Quick background edit: it took me a full year to titrate myself, with my educated gp’s help, off of benzos when my neurologist cold turkey’d me from years of prescribing them. GP knew immediately what was going on. We started benzos again but this time with a roadmap to get off of them safely. I know what hell you are describing. I’m so sorry.
I am so glad you are with us I have been through medicine roulette myself . I still take one antidepressant . I am still investigating coping strategies.
Benzo" are so bad for us. I was given them by ex narc and then the drinking made me crazy. He would let me go into withdrawal from both alcohol and the pills and it went bad qiuckly. Its been hell and been off both for 534 days so far. Life single is wonderful I don't think I could be in another relationship. I simply do not trust my own judgement. Sad but true. I do take a med that is a depression med. I only take the minimal dosage. I hate pills. One is too many and a 1000 never enough.
Thank you for sharing for a number of reasons. One, I thought I got on antidepressants because of me, not my stbxnarc. And number 2, I thought I was one of the few rare people that started craving alcohol on a med I had to get off of. It was awful and I went absolutely bananas on it when I drank. Blackouts and truly bizarre behavior that my narc berated me for but then also took me out drinking. I think it was in part to use it to try to justify his discard of me, not his serial cheating. Thankfully my new meds don’t do that to me. I wish you and all of us well in our healing.
I cared for my grandfather until he passed away at home. I reached a breaking point (caring for a grandparent on hospice and a narc grandma with dementia and my next door neighbor narc mom). I was quickly disposed of and have been living on my own for almost 3 years with almost no contact. My mom figured out my address (probably from my brother who I no longer trust at all) and she sent me a Christmas card with $250 signed “grandma” in her handwriting. I wrote a letter with no return address and informed her I no longer live in this state, and sent the $250 back, and spoke honestly about the things that usually keep me up at night. Whether or not I end up mailing it, at least it’s on paper and less in my head. But I’m probably going to send it, and ensure nobody knows where I live. The things she and my family did to me are inexcusable and it’s taken a serious toll on my life and my health. They are not allowed to live in my head.
They are sneaky in trying to bait you to trust them again. Don't fall for it. (I need to follow my own advice. LOL!) Hope you're in a better place now.
The narcissist ex spouse, they used to throw tantrums because I'd be asleep, I used to work 4 on 4 off nights, I used to fall asleep on the sofa and used to scorn me by saying 'have a good sleep did you' in a really scornful tone.
I think that therapy is much more than 'just' having a place to 'let it all out", and share your feelings and experiences. Most victims of narcissistic abuse have never had a healthy, caring relationship before. Therapy can provide this, and more importantly, perhaps, model an alternative. Some go as far as to say, that the therapeutic relationship IS the therapy. Having impaired concentration, was mostly to do with being all-consumed by the day to day drama of being in an abusive relationship. The relentless gaslighting meant that most of my 'bandwidth' went on simply trying to make sense of it all, and stay sane!
I resonate with this soo so much 😩 Can definitely agree with spending so much energy on trying to make sense of everything & feeling so confused all of the time 😵💫😵💫
I have become very ill after the discard, the doctors can't work out whats wrong with me 💔 Symptoms Memory loss Exhausted Fever and cold / flu symptoms Body pain ,mainly in legs and feet. Bloated stomach
The body keeps the score is a great book for helping to understand what is going on with your nervous system. I'm finally free from all abuse and my body is falling apart. I can't work and I spend many days in bed only getting up to eat and use the bathroom. I'm learning that all of this is due to an extremely disregulated nervous system. It makes so much sense as I'm reading this book.
1 min 42 seconds in and I'm yelling " exactly" My blood pressure was 180/80 the last time I engaged with my narcissist - took me days to stop ruminating and feel safe again.
in a narc relationship now. having lack of concentration, depression, have insomnia many nights, i jump out of my skin when i'm by myself and hear certain noises thinking he's home from work already, i feel like i'm always having to decompress 😮
The part about being blamed at school for the results of narcissistic parenting hit home for me. My mother used to follow me around at home making demands, harassing, and criticizing me for hours on end, while for forbidding me from going out. Even if I tried to get her to leave me alone by pointing out I was doing my homework and needed to concentrate, this had no effect. She was preoccupied with pontificating about anything from how I needed to do more chores (of which I did an unreasonable amount already), or how other various kids were allegedly better than me. My only reprieve was after she went to sleep. Finally then, I could concentrate on homework, or playing a game, or relaxing. Of course, this didn’t leave much time for sleep. At school I would fall asleep in class frequently as a result. Instead of any teacher approaching me and asking why this was happening, they called my parents behind my back and suggested I might be on drugs (I wasn’t). Really made me feel like other adults would gang up on me with my narcissist mom and thus could not be trusted. Was a very isolating experience.
When you were talking about finding quiet places to get away from the narcissist, it brought me back to when I would take hour-long showers every single day because it was the only way I could escape from her when I was home. I had to be in her line of sight every waking moment, had no personal space at all except in the bathroom. If I wasn't accessible to absorb her constant ranting about how she hated everyone and everything, that meant I was cheating with someone online. It was so emotionally exhausting. I couldn't think or focus on anything until I left the house to go to work, then I swear it felt like my IQ jumped up 60 points.
I experienced a lot of this. Although, I didn't have academic difficulties, I was always disorganized, stressed, and all over the place. In fact, some made comments in my childhood about ditzy or an airhead. I later, in adulthood, that I have a very high I.Q. I just removed myself, after 15 years, from an extremely toxic workplace system, and narcissistic boss. Between the multi-generation dysfunctional abusive family, social circle (I attracted and chose unhealthy people, and work. It broke me, quite honestly. I was diagnosed with high functioning cPTSD and now work with a Trauma II trained specialist. I have binged watched you for around a year and a half. I have changed my life completely. I went NC with family, pulled back from the social group and narc friends, have new friends that I vetted carefully, and retired. I never knew not being hyper vigilant, not being in survival mode (despite status position and very comfortable financially). It is now a whole nee way of being 'in my own skin.' I cannot thank you enough! You are a God send to so many people. Just love you! Wishing you much peach and every happiness, Dr. Ramani!
How about never vacuuming or dusting because it is overwhelming. Just isolate in front of TV for the peace & calmness it brings. Looking forward to going to the grocery store for comforting food instead of socializing with your good friends. Not sleeping till 3-4 in the am. Then getting up late & wiping out most of your daylight hours. ETC ETC! Thank you Dr Ramani for the best counseling ever. God bless you 🙏for your kindness & generosity in sharing all of this info. I hope somehow you get reimbursed financially. Because I dont have the finances to pay a local therapist. ❤🧑
If not for my horse( who I haven't ridden in 8 yrs because of how unhappy I am)I would never get out of bed. Haven't cleaned my house in yrs and live in clutter( which I hate) because I just don't care and don't want to do anything after 60 yrs of abuse and even deliberate campaigns to destroy my ability to earn a living ,and this is an actual attempt to kill me(because what else can I do except suicide if I cant afford to live).
I can't believe your mastery of this topic. My seven year relationship with a vulnerable narcissist is winding down, and somehow your videos came to me. The sleep problems, rumination, fighting before bedtime, gas lighting, victim Olympics, silent treatment, volcanic rage from nowhere. You really nail it all. It's like you watched my life or something. Amazing. I developed Graves Disease 1.5 years ago. Now I know to stick to my boundaries and begin to heal. Thank you so much!
Brilliant compilation of videos. Most people are unaware of the myriad symptoms associated with Narcissistic Abuse. I had a major AHA moment during the section on lack of concentration. The Law of Attraction, or even just straight forward creative ability, requires a calm, clear mind and mindfulness. This lack of concentration associated with Narcissistic relationships can keep us in Survival Mode. It's so much harder to Attract or have access to higher thoughts, healing, or creative thoughts in Survival Mode. Thanks so much!
Ugh! The brain fog! It felt like being weighed down, like walking around with a ton of bricks strapped to my back. I could barely string sentences together. The abuse gave me Chronic Fatigue Syndrome --- I felt like the walking dead! No one warns you about any of this!
Thank you!! I totally relate to the anger and the heaviness. There are long periods of time where it feels natural not to laugh. I miss the lightness I had. I am more wise now for sure.There is a feeling of dullness/numbness in some settings. I am beginning to laugh more but usually where I feel more emotionally safe. My outspoken anger is not out of my control but it is almost an uncontrolled reflex. I appreciate all the interaction here.
Just dropped $200 on new pillows and bed sheets, thank God for the sale they had. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to wait until Christmas for that one. I need better sleep. Hopefully next year I will be able to afford a new mattress. Sleep is so imperative! I went through sleep deprivation with my second child. That was when I learned how vital sleep was.
Wow, what an epiphany!!! I was today years old when I realized that, what I always thought was undiagnosed ADD, was actually an inability to focus due to my brain, and body, being on survival-mode from growing up in a very dysfunctional and narcissistic family dynamic. It’s likely that I do have ADD, and those other factors merely compounded the issue, but it’s so helpful to know where to start the healing, and from what angle. Makes me wonder if I would’ve been a neurosurgeon or an astrophysicist if I had been able to concentrate in school.🤔😉
I never got sleep because of fighting parents, went hungry a LOT and never had clean clothes. I was always so tired I couldn't concentrate. Home should not be a war zone
''Irritability'' is a small word... I'd say what I've experienced in the past few years comes closer to ''spinning off'' into complete disorientation and dysregulation. It's been truly awful. I get ''irritated'' anytime someone asks ''how are you?''. And given all the information I get on this channel about how the world works, I really don't know how anyone ever gets over this. Once you understand it, you can't unsee it.
I don't think it's possible , unless you learn about it early in your life and keep these vultures away from you in future . I think if you don't learn about it early enough to get out,you are just stuck with the trauma til you die.
Years after divorce from Narc, finally attempting a new relationship… Feeling frustrated and sad dating more potential narcs or extremely broken people. Asking myself why didn’t I stay with the narc I had since that seems to be all that is available for me? These videos really help to remind me how bad it was and how depressed I was. Never ever can I do it again. Please God.
@@paulogunyemi8617 I guess I mean finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack… Maybe society in general is more narcissistic. I do have Faith and will continue to search.
Hello Dr Ramani and everyone. The very first symptoms I had was my insides started shaking. My nerves were on edge. As time went on, my appetite was basically gone. He blamed ME for his weight gain bcse I paid for his dinner when we went out, so it was my fault. Toward the end, when I left him, my stomach had gotten much worse and I was rushed to the hospital via Ambulance. I was in agony. Before they gave me morphine, the nurses were putting Hot water bottles on my stomach. My intestines were in knots, and I was bleeding from"behind." I was given a Central LINE in my neck. I passed out and woke up in ICU.. I saw 3Dr's. One of them said to me WELCOME BACK. He later told me he was surprised I survived. This is what a narcissist can do to you especially when you don't know what the hell that means. I'm taking care of my HEART❤, and I wish ALL of you my very best. GREAT TOPIC!
The NARC sister & myself shared a room at home. To irritate me, she would get up early mopping the room with bleach, ammonia and pinesol, forcing me to get up and leave the room due to the chemical reaction, I'm no contact and it's so peaceful☮️
Q: How do you find your own identity when you’ve been raised by a narcissist? As an adult, decision making becomes almost impossible-just living in a world of perpetual self doubt. How do you decide even who you are?
Find a place when you where really happy. Write it down. Feel it every day, ask yourself are you doing what you say your going to do. Do you get up when you say your getting up? Do you eat what you say you would eat? That is how you get your trust in you back! Go outside, take a walk....! Wish you all the best💞Romans 10 vers 9 and 10 say it out loud
I find that it's like when people talk about art style , they talk about their art style .. dependent on how often you draw and how long , your style constantly evolves or devolves . Use to worry about this when I was younger, but best bet when your in pain take on a task and finish it , the task will give you something to focus on and give you a dopamine boost and then go on to another task , you'll find its something you enjoy or form an addiction.. I payed for a replaced flooring and painted the walls and planned on what type of trim , I made a book shelf, I created costumes , I played the same game 3xs . I ran bleachers until I can go without stopping. I walked over an hour ..
I think my oldest daughter is a Malignant Narcissist. She can be very nice, sweet and caring one day and a horrible, person that says horrible, hurtful things the next day. She seems to act up like that especially when there’s an important or special event in the family but anything can trigger this change in her personality. I’ve been at the receiving end of her behavior for a long time. I honestly wanted to know what I did wrong for her to hate me so much. I also made the big mistake to confide on her on things that now she is threatening me. I became so depressed that I became suicidal. The pain and not knowing why I did to her to deserve so much hate was unbearable. It was until my husband researched about malignant narcissist that I understood that it was not my fault. Your videos and some others actually saved me. We don’t have any relationship with her and her husband. I don’t want her in my life anymore. She has hurt me so much and so many times that I can’t deal with her anymore. Thank you for explaining what a malignant narcissist is. She fits perfectly. Thank you for saving my life.
My therapist has be listening to Binaural meditations with my headphones at bedtime. It’s made such a difference. I do self soothing with butterfly taps. So helpful.
The section about taking care of my health inspired me last spring to call the doctor's office to schedule a physical. I did it on my own without getting a reminder call. I'm also now having regular dental exams.
Thank GOD for your existence Dr.Ramani. I don’t know what I would have done without your teachings. I have gone crazy over and over and over again for about 12years and I lost myself, it affected my psyche that’s beyond words for me to explain. I finally found words for my feeling becasue of you. Thank you so so much. I sincerely hope I get to speak to you and take therapy from you before I go more crazy in life and loose whatever it is that is left of me.
Oh my gosh! 💡(15:20). Childhood Sleep issues flashback! Wow! Just had to process that. Gaining a ton of insight and healing around that right now. Thank you Dr. Ramani for that gift.
2:52. The narcissistic relationship is an unsolvable problem”. This hit me today as that is how I have been feeling lately. Trying to decide the best way to handle things that are happening and I keep coming up with the fact that I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Thanks for validating my thoughts!
I am viewing this video too late. I’m in the recovery phase of a 16-year narcissistic relationship with my supervisor. She finally retired on 10-20-2023. I have/had all the symptoms Dr. Ramani describes. In 2010 I started with the Fibromyalgia symptoms. Oh my goodness I’ve been through so much & I consequently put my family through so much with all my rumination & suffering. I did try to get away from the situation several times, but I am a government executive with a pension I am trying to earn & I didn’t want to give that up. The lack of concentration was severe. I even had myself tested for adult ADD & tried Adderall. I know I have PTSD & worry I may have lost years of my life due to the stress. I am not the best version of myself anymore & have periods of time when I don’t like other people. I have trust issues now.
@34:39 "The physical effects we observe in people experiencing narcissistic abuse can also happen through indirect pathways." She goes on to explain how those who are experiencing narcissistic abuse often stop taking good care of themselves -- not getting the right exercise, nutrition, meds, sleep, etc.
It’s very true. I didn’t take my vitamins, I didn’t workout even tho I bought all my workout equipment out of impulse. Just trying to fill the black whole my narc ex had implanted in me. I got lazy while working. Didn’t answer the phone to check people in there parking spots I was always criticized on how I worked by my narc ex. These people are sick.
I can relate to socially isolating because of feeling irritable and in a negative mood, because of the family issues I am exposed to. When I wasn’t living as close to them, I was much happier and healthier, and outgoing, with many friends. My world has sadly shrunk down for sure. Working on expanding it again and taking better care of myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I have been suffering from this for decades especially the last decade. I feel like I have lost my mind or suffering from alzheimers . I did some research a while ago & I was slightly relieved that living with constant stress causes problems with your brain & mind. I am so relieved to hear this from you. After nearly 50 years of this I am completely & totally broken on every level & im sure that it’s now too late for me to recover
I recently left a narcissist, and what surprised me is how I almost immediately felt better within a couple of weeks. I still feel occasional pangs of sadness and sometimes miss him, but I also feel immense relief. I no longer feel exhausted all the time. I can sleep and go to bed at a decent hour (he would force me to stay up with him). Even the constant bloating and digestive issues.. gone! I have a stressful job but it's like my stress is now cut in half because I no longer walk on eggshells and can now actually rest after work. I can't believe I was living under his spell for so long! Without Dr. Ramani's videos I don't think I would have ever gotten enough courage to leave.
He would purposely try to keep me from sleeping and eating and when I would try to eat or work on something I could not concertante at all and felt constantly judged for it
I actually had a friend ( this friend does know about my upbringing) recently who me that it looked like I had ADD/ADHD (when in fact I don't) because i had a lot of the symptoms I'm fidgety, I can't concentrate etc. To know that's down to the upbringing that I had is a relief and a validation.
Thank you for this! I have had concentration issues for awhile now but put it down to being older- now I understand! My narc adult son is at the end of a long line of narcs! Last phone call I said- hey just tell me why you called plz and not run down too many rabbit holes! That shortened the call considerably! 😀😀So glad for any breaks!
Thank you Dr Rsmani. I am from Peshawar Pakistan. I am a civil servant on the verge of retirement. I faced narcesstic wife for over thirty years without knowing it. Your videos provided me insight into the dynamics of this relationship. Your videos has helped me a lot to tackle the issue and rediscover life. I am grateful Madam, Ghazanfar Ali, Peshawar, Pakistan
"It's like living with a crying infant." That is SO funny, and is so not funny at the same time because it is so true. I used to get sick ALL the time, now it is very rare. I used to suffer from constant migraines, now they are few and far between. I had mysterious aches and pains that have disappeared. I was constantly huffing on rescue inhalers and now I haven't used one in more than 10 years. My allergies used to be debilitating and now it is quite managable. I've gained a lot of good things from recovering from my narcissist, but nearly 20 years later there is still a lot of symptoms I'm dealing with. For me irritability and impatience is something I really have to work on. I take a lot out on my poor hubby who is so positive and patient. I am quick to anger, I think because I was never "allowed" to be angry before. I am in a constant "skeptic" mode, or my BS meter is constantly in high gear. I never accept anything anyone says to me at face value anymore, I'm always thinking "What's their angle? What are they getting out of it." It's a hard way to live, I tend to shut people out so I don't get hurt. I still get depressed a lot. But even after saying all that, I am 1000% better off (and a better person) now than I was then.
My long-term memory was gaslighted for years. Between cognitive stress and intermittent gaslighting, my working memory was poor. I started developing anomia in both speech and writing (spelling & grammar both). By the time I caught on to what was going on in my marriage, both were severe. Not long after I left, a friend came to visit. Normally I dislike when people fill in words, but I was so clearly frustrated when I couldn’t remember a word that he started simply filling in words so I could continue with the thought. I've been out for almost a year, and we noted recently that while he iccasionallh fills ina word, it's almost never necessary. Spelling and grammar, which used to be nearly perfect, continue to cause difficulty, although both are much improved. Cognitive function and working memory are much better. As far as long-term memory is concerned, both my ex and my mother engaged in re-writing history. If they claim that history is different from what I remember, the Truth Committee is not on their side.
I can relate so much to having autoimmune issues requiring me to have major surgery and my husband wasn’t supportive and made it harder for me. He would also put me down because of my health. It was such a stressful and painful time. 😢
Wow!! For so many years I had no idea what "the problem" was with my realtionship with my mother? I just thought she expected the world and I wasn't good enough due to my inadequacies and different ideas. It has caused so much emotional pain, sleep issues, unhappiness, exhaustion, the list is endless. As an only child, even though I am in my 50s, I can't escape her but at least now I am learning how to deal with it thanks to you. She still makes me feel like I am a child, she is so controlling. Friends don't understand when I say I can't just block my mom. I wish it was that easy. This makes SO much sense. I feel relief that everything wasn't all my fault, but also anger at the same time that I have missed out on so much. Not to mention the people in my life I may have affected with my insecurities and backwards outlook on the world. Thank you so much for these videos. I am now working on a "new" me. It is harder than it sounds but I will get there.
Shortly after my husband and I moved in together I developed asthma, terrible rosacea, regular vomiting and diarrhea, migraine headaches, and my hair started falling out. I’ve been wondering if narc abuse actually caused my physical illnesses. Lately I’ve been telling people “I think I might have early onset dementia” and I’ve been reading that is a common thought when someone’s experiencing narc abuse!
Dr. Ramani, you are saving my life right now. I just got out with my physical being intact but my emotional strength is hanging by a thred. These sick monsters destroy lives and you have helped me to understand and escape. Thank you.
Thank you,Doc. We had a friend that was leaving her NPD husband,which took awhile. She gray rocked as much as possible but every single time she had to hear his voice during seperation she would get fever blister break-outs,ptsd flashbacks,etc. Then SHE would get edgy and difficult. She was used to more pain,not love and understanding. The physical and mental harm they are capable of is truly criminal. Thank God for the words of wisdom shared by Doc Ramani.
1:24 thank You Dr Ramani 🙏🏼 2:10 2:23 yes they are 2:38 lack of empathy 2:53 unsolvable proplem 2:59 mentally intrusive 3:27 they don't really care 4:15 4:21 they make it about you 4:29 Heavy unhappiness 🙏🏼
24:57: "The irritability may also manifest as not wanting to be with other people. Since many people who endure narcissistic abuse are quite empathic and don't want to hurt other people, and they may personally sense that irritability coming up in them because they're so tired of this narcissistic relationship, and not like this irritability they're experiencing, they may actually start to increasingly socially isolate, because they don't want to lash out at other people. Or, they become impatient. So they may actually heed the cues, like the message, that your [their] irritability sends you [them] and withdraw from other people, which isn't good for you [them], because narcissistic abuse can actually take more of a toll when a person is more isolated."
I’ve definitely experienced problems with concentration, confusion and also memory. My head felt “foggy” . I had to give up studying because of it. No one understood. I’m a lot better now, but it took many years to heal
23:47: "Irritability can also result in another string of negative effects...the irritability can be a manifestation of...feeling stuck in your narcissistic relationship. But then, let's say you do snap at someone, or just get angry, or you just aren't acting like your best self. You may then find yourself feeling quite guilty and feeling badly about yourself for treating other people so badly, so you might be vulnerable to sliding more deeply into negative mood states."
I used to think when I was a kid, that maybe if I lost weight my parents would love me. When I hit puberty, I gained ALOT of weight, turns out it was estrogen. And my parents decided to fat shame me instead of taking me to the doctor. Shame was one of their parenting tatics.
Praying in bed not to complain to God but rather surrender all the thoughts to him and for protection and repentance of any toxic reaction on your side. Always works sometimes fell asleep before finishing.
At the same time that they don’t care very much about whether you take care of yourself or whether you are well or ill they get very frustrated and angry when you are not feeling well when you are sick when you are physically or emotionally disturbed because they have to deal with it and they don’t want to have to deal with you as a burden when you were supposed to be their primary support in all things.
Had an ulcer at age 10. In the hospital for 3 days. My narc. mother said she had asked the hospital a special favor to have the incident removed from my medical records. She told me, that when I applied for jobs in the future, it would be held against me. For the same reason, I should never mention it to anyone - it could be a real problem finding a job. 10 years later, out of curiosity, I contacted the hospital for my medical records. It was still there. Now, at age 68, no job has ever asked for that kind of medical information.
In addition to terrible self-care, we may actually engage in self-destructive practices whether it’s drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, gambling, etc. Support groups and 12-step programs can help, but the best medicine is to get out of that relationship if at all possible.
I feel so trapped it's hard to move. I have most of the self-destructive practices down pat. I'm mentally and emotionally depleted. 12 Steps didn't really help much. I just keep trying to find a way to leave this behind me.
So relatable. I developed major insomnia at about the age of 13 from all the abuse as the scapegoat in a highly narcissistic family.. None of the good sleep hygiene suggestions helped and every professional I saw was incompetent and unable to figure out this was a result of constant and relentless scapegoating abuse. Because I was occasionally missing school due to severe insomnia, I was forced to start paying rent and therefore drop out of school to get a full time job. This set me up for a life of poverty, while I witnessed my family enjoy the luxuries of being multi millionaires.
I hope things turn around for you! If your siblings are still with your narcissistic parents, they will DRAIN them of money in their old age care. Right now, my parents are running their finances and their house into the ground because they will not listen to anyone. You will be the lucky one who got the heck away. Keep your finances separate. You'll be glad you did.
There are times that I watch Christmas shows or any shows that show a loving relationship that I find myself crying uncontrolably. I moun not having experienced a loving family relationship. I am a 76 year old male Marine so this soft side of myself is all the more unexpected.
Out of all the things they have said and done this was the one that made me feel so sick: I spent $200+ (without telling my person) towards purchases made for them. Then I heard them accuse me of stealing a tiny amount of money from them. They then laughed maniacally and everyone joined in. I can't even explain how crushed I am by someone I thought was a good friend who cared about me. I have been 100% loyal to them. So I was super confused until I realized they are a narcissist and I have been their supply for months. Even tho I grew up with this I was totally blind sided. Now they all are saying I am crazy. I am making myself sick over it. I had to switch my medication hoping that will help. It's like an addiction. Yet, I am afraid to go to work now. (I have Lupus and other issues)
My dad did the same thing to me. Luckily no one believes I would steal from him, but he wouldn't back down and I have sought shelter in my she shed. My husband is helping me set up a comfy place out there and no one grieves me for slipping out the window. They can see how abusive he is to me. I'm 55yo and my husband and son have to help me manage my narcissistic father.
Lupus is one of the auto immune illnesses that we get from close proximity to narcissist! Please, please do meditations and raw vegan for 90 days, it's emergency self care, it can help!
My ex was a narc, and I lost my ability to focus because he would NEVER shut up! Even when I would go to bed to try to read and go to sleep, he would come back and interrupt because there was something he just had to tell me about. I eventually started listening to books just so my eyes would be shut when he came back and he might not "wake me up" to yammer at me more. Even though he's been out of my life for several years with all his babbling and angry eruptions, I still have trouble focussing. I still can't enjoy sitting with a book to just read, or watch a TV show even though it won't be constantly paused so he can tell me his opinion about whatever was going on.
Therapy yes…and also al-anon or another 12-step program if one is relevant to you. Al-anon in particular provides tools to deal with many of the issues raised in this video.
I suffer from all of these. What scares me more is that lately, I have noticed that I sound like my mom. I even feel her spirit sometimes and it scares the hell out of me.
Feeling so validated especially when you said irritability is a human emotion especially if you're being abused by narcissists. My narc dad would purposely try to irritate me by clanging dishes loudly, turning up volume on his radio show to full blast so that I could hear it in my room with headphones on, he'd move my stuff without telling me and I'd have to search the house to find it, and he'd bring up topics he knew I didn't want to talk about and kept repeating it and picking at me. And he'd keep doing it until I lost it and expressed my anger, then he'd get this sick disgusting flash of satisfaction in his eyes and smirk. Then he'd say, "You need to calm down. You're so angry all the time." These narc relationships make you angry, confused, disgusted, and ashamed.
My mom is a nutshell. I have neve gotten over it.
This is (not all the same actions, but the same tactic) what my ex does to our daughter. And he says the same things and I deal with her irritability as she tries to get back into balance at my house
That must have been so difficult to live through.
Ugh ... I (and my kids) can relate 100%! My narcissistic spouse does all the stuff you mentioned and more. His new favorite thing is locking us out of the house when we take the dog out to the bathroom and then "not hearing" us when we knock to get let back in. I made extra keys for all of us, and we always keep one on our person now. It's all so ridiculous! I hope you can find some peace from the narcissistic noise and abuse in your life! ❤
I'm dealing with the same thing. I bought a $1500 bed for my dad to sleep on after he broke his hip, and he refuses to enter the bedroom where I put it. He says there's "things that need to be worked out," before he moves in. He plays the 12 hour rainstorm in the wee hours as loud as our 70" tv will play it and gradually raises and raises the volume. And then dares us to do or say anything. I was told (after his healing set in) the bed and bedroom was the sorriest excuse for doing something nice for someone that he had ever seen. My son and husband were appalled at his actions and have written him off as mentally ill. But I still have to take care of him 😔
"A heavy unhappiness" is the perfect way to describe my childhood, and adulthood. Dr.Ramani really understands this on such a deep level. I will forever be grateful for her.
Absolutely I agree ❤
for so long it was nothing but that feeling, im so glad ive found the platonic love of my friends to change my mindset, i still struggle a lot but it really brightened my overall disposition. i hope you're healing as well.
Me too. I love your face!
Ditto-same❤😢
@@bugglemagnum6213 I am happy for you, and thanks for your kind thoughts. I left my husband in 2018 and went no contact with my family the same year. I am feeling so much better and I have the love of a wonderful man. We are healing together.
Nothing in this world can trouble you more than your own thoughts, especially when you're trying to sleep.
This!!
let me tell you about heroin addiction! [ps, i'm just being silly]
Thanks for the wise words .
I wouldn't want someone back who didn't want me
Spent 48 years, 44 married, to my narcissistic ex. He decided he wanted out at 44 years of marriage telling me “I’m too selfish & self-centered to be with anyone!” Yes, I knew that before we married & I should have run the other way but I had been love bombed & fell in love. It was too late & back then & until after he left I had never heard of narcissistic people. No excuse, my gut was telling me something isn’t right here! It’s been 41/2 years since he left. I’ve been disabled for about 30 years, couldn’t drive anymore for years but he didn’t care, never did. My problem since he split is the NONSTOP ruminating I can’t seem to control. I’m not able to sleep & it’s really effecting my ability to even function properly. I’m trying & working so hard, been seeing a therapist for over 3 years but it’s just not helping. I wake many times when I do get to sleep & ruminating & intrusive thoughts start immediately! How can I stop this? I’m barely hanging on & my medical issues are getting so much worse. I need real help!! Please, if anyone has any advice or opinions for me I’d be so very grateful. Yes, I’ve tried all the sleep hygiene things & nothing helps. HELP!!
PLEASE!!!! Thank you so much & I’m very sorry this is so long.
"Irritability is a normal manifestation of stress." Yet, when women display irritability, we are rarely met with compassion & understanding. We are more often met with judgment and insults.
Don't turn this into a male female thing it's a human thing
@dampergoldenrod4156 thank you so much for so brilliantly illustrating Tammy's point. Kudos to you!
@@madge2114 🤣🤣🤣
@@madge2114 it's sick minded to think that irritability and lashing out at somebody should be met with compassion ...a sick mentality to think that this is ok. Free Palestine
Females are put down and told all sorts of things because it is not a male/female thing. Where is your research? Research into male female things says differently.@@dampergoldenrod4156
This man will not let me stay organized. He messes everything up all the time except for his things. His are organized.
Thank you for validating irritability. It's hard to be surrounded by toxic positivity today on social media and in the workplace when narcissism is at its peak. My narcissist would call me a "piss ant" if I expressed irritability in response to their behavior. I learned to be stoic after that. Being stoic then became their new favorite insult for me. You can't win, except by leaving.
Yes, you’re never good enough. Ever. They suck.
Dr. R, I'd LOVE if you did a whole video on Stoicism in response to narcissistic abuse!
@@TS-ce3sdI have 3 narc sons that suck like their narc dad! No contact from all
Toxic positivity is definitely a problem today.
What if the narc is at your place of work and bullying you
When I was still with the narcissistic abuser I had migraines, concentration difficulties, sleep issues, rashes, IBS symptoms and anxiety. After a year and a half away from them and 6 months of no contact I am doing much better with all of those issues. No migraines and no IBS. Interestingly, when I was going through my divorce and had to speak to him on the phone I would get a rash on my face. I would never get a rash on my face at any other time. I am still dealing with some concentration issues, anxiety, and sleep disturbances but can feel myself getting better over time. Finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Literally all the symptoms i had when i was with my ex. Im also dealing with anxiety and concentration issues. But I’ve been writing in a journal and once in a while ill go back and see how far I’ve come along. It helps.
Literally getting under your skin 😣💗
I understand, it's like living in pollution with no way to get clean!
It’s true they do give u all thus dress & sickness and try & put in in a wait grave !
This is so very real. During my parents’ divorce in my teens I would get terrible eczema around the edges of my lips - specifically only when my dad was in town. Very difficult to deny the correlation because he worked a very regular rotational schedule 2wk on / 2wk off. My eczema would flare up when I had to deal with him, and slowly heal while he was away.
If you've studied an instrument, playing that instrument is excellent therapy.
Yes--having to be in a narcissistic relationship and feeling that there's no way out can create apathy. It can make you feel like your own life isn't worth living. Not that you'd directly cause harm to yourself, but you start caring less about your own health. And that is so sad because you are an empathetic person with lots of love to give, and boy howdy, the world needs that! Needs YOU!
I relate this 100% my therapist calls it passively suicidal.
I just want a little relief before I pass.
Passive suicidal ideation. I start to get it when I wake up. Disappointed in waking up. 😦😦😦😦@@chrisrendino1529
@@rahrahrobbbieeeme too!
@@chrisrendino1529 I never heard term, i went to mental health clinic before and they said they couldn't help unless I was suicidal. This term answers what I was feeling. Thank you.
Ohhh gooood !!! At first I thought I was going nuts. I kept blaming myself. Hahaha narcs are just evil evil evil !!! My concentration is back. I’m me again a better me! I like me! People like me ! I don’t try to please people anymore. I don’t have to. I can laugh and joke enjoy my world. People may think I’m weird. I am weird and I enjoy it. That’s their issues their problems. I can walk away. Yea me! 😊
Hooray for you !
This is exactly how I feel. 🙏🏽💯
@@simi1775 woo hoo !
I’m so happy for you!! I finally got my life back too. 💕
In reading the comments, I had the most vivid memory. To my surprise, when I was a senior in high school, my mother offered to pay for me to go to Europe for a couple of weeks with my French class. I was absolutely delighted at the thought. She told me I couldn't go if I screamed at her in the next couple of months before the trip. Then she got in my face a couple of times and screamed insults at me at a very high decible. Although I initially resisted, I eventually screamed back and she took the trip away. I feel quite certain that she decided she didn't want to pay for the trip and provoked me so she could renege. I've 71 now and I've been to Europe 3 times but I still feel a pang at the loss of that trip.
My father did thst with a " horse fund", his idea and Ibwiuld earn $1 and match it and he would give me $4. So my 10 year old self got busy earning money by babysitting at 50 cents an hour. I saved my birthdsy and gift money. I sold kool-aid in the flaming sun, I feed and qalked people's dogs. I kept track of what I made but gave him the money everytime I earned it to put " in the horse fund". When I had $400 in my notebook, I went to my Dad who did not keep track, snd told him I had enough for my horse.I was so excited as this took me 3 years to accomplish at 10-13. He then laughed, and said " Okay, now you need to pay for the fence, and gleefully watched as I was crestfallen.
My father was a torment as well. He vascillated between nice dad, evil torment dad to unhinged aggression. I hated it. He would accuse me of things I had not done and he loved to bait. He looked so good as he worked hard and I had lots of toys. I'd have traded every toy for a stable upbringing
Thank you for sharing. I don't know that I've ever shared that experience before and it makes me feel less alone. I hope you got a horse somewhere along the way. Please be good to yourself. It's harder than it should be with a history of such experiences. @@brendaplunkett8659
Wow..THIS is really so typical narcissistic..😒🤯sorry for your hurt from your own mum😒
Thank you. You know, I've always mostly blamed myself for my loss of control, even it was provoked, and I feel way better about that memory with the support I've gotten.@@gigiarmany
no matter how much sleep I get, I never ever feel rested. It's chronically exhausting and I hate this feeling. Been feeling this way as long as I can remember.
Be sure you go to your doctor to have a thorough medical exam to be sure you don't need some kind of nutritional or hormonal help. If you've been in a narcissistic relationship for a long time, it can lead to neglecting your overall health. Good luck!
Echoing the other commenter who recommended you get checked out by your doctor just to be sure. Your comment made me think of a friend of mine who found out she had sleep apnea. She'd sleep, but still wake tired, and in her case it was because she wasn't breathing fully/properly while sleeping. Good luck.
No matter the root of exhaustion, narc abuse makes it worse and harder to heal. Take good care and do the best you can! ❤
I got physically sick. I had a lot of stomach issues. I went to the hospital 3 times in the 3 years of being in the relationship. The gastro doctor said to start doing whatever I stopped doing because the stress is killing me. Once I left, I'd never had any stomach issues again. It's been 16 years now.
And even when you're hospitalized it's still all about them
Yeah my 'PMT' and IBS magically cleared up when I was no longer living with someone who deliberately upset me to make themselves feel better. Funny that...
Just the same that happened to my friend. He literally had to grip his stomach any time he was around that ex narcissist female friend.
I knew what was going on was getting too chronic so I made sure I spent my free time after my college classes to be around him so he had at least somebody stable around him so he could know he has a mental cooling off place away from her hectic ways and her blatant draining of him.
she was so toxic I hardly knew her and I immediately had a pain all the way down my spine whenever she was near me. One day I asked my friend how was his stomach because he never was gripping it when he was anywhere with me and he realized he was just fine and it was the beginning of things starting to click and rebuilt and he really got furious to realize he was being heavily duped and mentally sucked down to nothing and she was taking credit for everything he did around her and telling others she did and went to places he did so she appears more important and interesting to more people to win over and dupe.
After a while, just like me with my own narcissistic partner (who was the only one who said we were engaged) he found the strength to finally say “no more” and pounced at the moment when she was majorly stumbling and getting caught in one of her mind game schemes with another person who don’t deserve her treatment either by striking hard and fast and done.
Nothing she could do could cull him back and she did exactly what the narcs I had in my life did, including abusing the phone at all hours especially at night because she knows he’s a bit of a light sleeper unless really tired out and she just kept the phone ringing solely to irritate and ruin his progress of healing without her around.
I have horrible Gerd… wake up everyday with sour taste in my mouth. My whole ribcage is tight.
I hold the stress from my husband in my body.
I just can’t find people who experience these same symptoms..
@@A93-qg9xjthere are plenty out there they just think they have health issues and don't make the connection with theie relationships. Especially when the narcs make US feel guilty for being ill because it inconveniences THEM so we feel like we can-t reach out to others dor support. Detachment is the best tool - we can't fix them they will never be happy we just have to do what is best for us and ignore their tantrums and control tactics.
@38:07 "I am a firm believer that these narcissistic relationships take YEARS off of our lives. The CONSTANT sympathetic nervous system activation [fight-flight-freeze response] means that our bodies are running at a state of physiological strain that puts a lot of wear and tear on us for the long term. It's like driving a car into the ground and never getting the oil changed or the car maintained." The even BIGGER issue is the fact that, even once the damage is "known," it cannot be seen and there is no one known way to TRULY clear away/repair the damage. The whole world is full of damaged people (who got that way by other damaged people -- parents, teachers, love interest, boss, neighbor, "friend," etc, etc. All along the way, trauma bonds are being formed - between those who have endured narcissistic abuse and the new abusers as they come in and out of your life. We all need to STOP the madness!!!
Right, hurt people, hurt others.
I don't see how there are only 10% of people who are narcissists. It doesn't appear that way from my world. Maybe 35 % or more
The only way to effectively deal with these people is to ghost them. I know from experience.
@@susankovach8927the children of teachers and cops think they are a special class of people TV shows cause narcissism also
So sad😢. Crying
4 Symptoms Linked to Narcissism
00:28 - Trouble Concentrating
10:59 - Trouble Sleeping
20:51 - Irritability
31:12 - Physical Symptoms / Stress
It’s the cognitive dissonance. They also sleep deprive you.
@@emmarae4322been there yep
Thanks for the timestamps ⏲
Extreme Stress. 😢
I have all these 😔
A heavy unhappiness. Perfect description of the feeling that comes over a grade-schooler as the school day ends and the bus delivers her back to the narcissist.
I tried my hardest to stay at school as long as possible. Ban, track, tennis school paper, stage crew. pit orchestra ... anything to stay away from my mom.
Oh my, me too. I loved school and was filled with a sickening feeling in my stomach as I got closer to home. The bus dropped me off and I walked up the lane stressing over what I might be coming home to. When I went in ( I was made to go through the back door into the basement to enter like I wasn’t good enough to come in the front door) I could immediately “ feel” in the air what kind of night it was going to be before I even saw anyone. You could literally feel it
I would call the house and ask my sisters how it was at home before I came home.
I used to walk home from grade school so slow I could count the blades of grass. It was the longest 3/4 mile ever.
😢😢
My narcissistic mother started me in kindergarten late because she wanted to spend more time with me. She told everybody it was because I was stupid.
I then turned out to be a very bright student who loved learning. When my mom realized my success could give her supply, she put an incredible amount of pressure for me to maintain my high performance.
She took away my love for school. I used to love school and left me confused and scared about my worth. I was either smart or stupid depending on how she wanted to think of me. The emotional incest was disgusting.
My mom refused to put me in kindergarten too. Very selfish
Not just happening to children. I’m far better educated than my Narc and, depending on how he wants to appear to other people, I’m still either stupid or brilliant.
😢😢 I am so sorry.
I am sorry you had to go through that❤️
Oh my God.😢😮😔 This video is only been up for a few hours and there's more than one person who has said some part of what I felt was just alien to my own childhood? Thank you I'm so sorry that any of you know this stuff too. I'm so used to that shell game of apologize justifier explain even though I'm almost 50 and my mom passed away in September of 2021. Every comment preceding mine some part I can relate to. My mom kept from starting kindergarten with my peers . My ADHD and diagnosis of Asperger's autism we're completely kept from me until I was taking care of my mom are trying to during the lockdown when she had cancer. I found the paperwork in the attic. I apologize if this comment seems chip chop I had a stroke and have to do talk to text. In kindergarten I was reading on a college level but emotionally I was still a kid. She had no problem telling everyone I was gifted. When I confronted her at 45 years old about having kidney ASD diagnosis she said those doctors didn't know anything anyway and girls don't get hyperactive or autistic at least they didn't in the seventies. And if everyone had known I was the r-word I would never have gotten married or finished college ironically I worked in the mental health profession as a counselor for many years yet I was too close to the situation to know my mother had as many psych issues as she did. The year and a half after my father died when she took ill it fell into my hands to be medical POA because I was the closest geographically of us. Definitely resented it accuse me of trying to run her life control it etc. Her psychiatrist at the one facility knew me for my clinicals two decades earlier and openly discussed her diagnosis of BPD and histrionic as if I knew. It was very very eye-opening. Utter disregard of HIPAA but did give me a necessary jolt to examine the situation with a lot more focus. I'm very sad that none of my extended family wishes to communicate with me. Gifted and brilliant lazy freeloading r word depending on which member of the family she was triangulation hell bent on screwing with. She used to be very proud of my vocabulary my grades telling me off and how she wanted to make sure I did not have the same fear that she had as an immigrant child smacked around by nuns when she didn't know the right answer. She wanted me to love books and learning and I do. But the social development the outside of the home life life outside of our lives at home became a slight to her and a threat. Anytime I mentioned any teacher or child with whom I had more than a passing connection to, suddenly boundaries would dissolve. I remember her taking my first grade teacher out with us to dinner after my piano lesson for Chinese food. And how it was a big secret or supposed to be which is kind of a form of emotional incest. That sweet nun was the same age my mom was. Years and years she left the convent out as lesbian. I remember she had a dog and played guitar. After dinner my mom invited her over. I introduced her to all my curious George's and Babar stuffed animals just like when a new babysitter first visited our house she gave me a lot more attention focus in conversation then I realize she realistically could in a classroom full of 50 kids. My mom to be very engaging and charismatic and now that I think about it she was actually really beautiful too. The nun laughed more than I'd ever seen her laugh throwing her lhead back in laughter her Black veil fell off.., at 6 years old I wasn't sure if those were sewn on or she was bald but she just had a little pixie cut. The next day in school I remember feeling really alienated because she acted like that it happened at all. There were so many secrets that my mom binding people to. I felt like such a fool because I told my friend Heather that we'd gone to dinner which sister Angie and that she'd come over and play with our cats and dog even flew the paper airplanes my older brother passed to her. Back then seeing a teacher outside of school was like seeing a celebrity it was a source of Honor amazing and embarrassment to be sitting in the cart with my brother at the stop n shop and find his third grade teacher Mrs Kumar what with tomatoes apricot jars of Gerber and toilet paper. There's disorienting object permanence issues I suppose😂 just because I read our encyclopedia didn't mean I had all my ducks in the row I'm sure I didn't think they lived at the school but I just remembered my mom would get so mad anytime I mentioned a new playmate from school and years and years and years later even as she was dying she would use about how close we once were. How she had me tested they said I could skip a grade ahead but she kept me back Natchez the current year but one extra because she knew I was a Mama's girl . Complicated grief is effing complicated 😢😢😢 I was a mama's girl and I wasn't. Oddly enough my mom would say that about her own relationship with my grandma who died in her 90s in 2013. Grandma and I pretty close for being a 3-hour drive apart. And my mother used to freak TF out every time Grandma's coming to visit. However in her last year and a half my mom convinced herself she was Graham's favorite and always had been in my dad and I would just look at each other across the table choking on the excrement. Sorry I used your comment section for group therapy Dr Ramani. Recently lost my health insurance but absolutely need to talk to a therapist myself at this point!
We need therapy to heal from PTSD and trauma bond. Actually they are the ones who need therapy but It doesn't work.
Not all who pursue therapy are ready for it. Therapy only works when the intent of the one who is in therapy combines with the aim of the therapy itself -- to heal, release, emerge as a kinder human, etc... If a narcissist is not ready to reform, they never will.
Therapy requires insight and willingness. Most aren't capable.
They are never not mentally intrusive- and you cannot string a damn thought together in their damn presence .
You are not alone. Dr. Ramani gives good advice and insight.
So so true Amber, esp since they're always right 😂
One thing you didn't mention (that also produces a lot of stress) is "taking care" of the codependents--the talking (vicarious reliving) of other people's experiences with the narcissist, the soothing and collective self-gaslighting of the codependents who don't want to face the collective reality. Self-isolation isn't just about the 1 narcissist, it's about all the codependent people who orbit them with false narratives and even try to build community with those narratives.
Yep
Haven't seen someone talk about how damaging the enablers are. Thank you for commenting this, its very reassuring. ❤
@@chillout1738so very true. Even though my mom passed away two years ago there the enablers in flying form continue. I'm crazy. I'm also on drugs. Or need to be medicated. I want attention. I'm a liar. Etc. I tried like an idiot to connect with some of my extended family Thanksgiving which was the day after my birthday 🎈 it was kind of devastating to see the social media postings of great nieces and nephews I'll never meet and just that whole feeling... It was really extra hurtful this year. Reached out to one cousin whose birthday is the week before mine phone call was intercepted by her sister who was in California visiting from the Midwestern State where her suburban condo is not a mile from my home. I was told by the older local cousin to delete her sisters number because we reap what we sow and after the way I treated her auntie I really ought to be ashamed because that's a commandment and how could I dare be so full of myself that I would think cheat forget about it after all that was her family.... Which means I am what to her? The other side of the family is pretty convinced that my father and I were estranged when he died and that I'd had an acrimonious relationship for 20 years... My eldest brothers widow enlightened me to that particular narrative. In actuality my father and I were really close it was devastating the year he was dying I got divorced cancer hysterectomy no vehicle so I actually stole a bike I later returned in order to visit my dad 20 mi across town. For the month prior my mom did all that she could to prevent it 😢
@@chillout1738I talk about the enablers in comments all the time -- I figured people might be sick of hearing about it / them
@@mic396 peoples on the far negative side of cluster b personality disorders can not change. They are personality disorders. Therapy teaches narcs what to do but I don't believe a "self aware narc" will change. They all have self awareness to a certain point, they know when they are abusive and feel shame for being caught. But they don't see themselves as the real problem so there is nothing for them to "change". Imo.
Only ten minutes in and I am starting to doubt my recent diagnosis. Recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD, ocd, cptsd.... I've had trauma since birth. Raised by a circus. Not really but they were all crazy. Now i only have long term relationships with toxic people. I'm really starting to think this is all just cptsd.
very sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. Unfortunately, you're carrying that energy (abuse, cptsd, etc) in your field and hence, will continue to attract people into your world which ignite/activate that energy... and it "feels familiar" so it seems like "it's supposed to be this way..." Keep pursuing the things which provide you energetic release of the trauma -- grounding, art, exercise, meditation, etc. Namaste ✨
I miss art..... I used to be so creative... I lost everything. Honestly thinking about moving into a d v shelter. I'm couch surfing right now. I've gone back four times.... I will not be a statistic. They say you go back seven.
I showed very strong signs of OCD as a child before any “trauma”, and realise it was likely a subconscious anxious manifestation of trying to have control over something knowing the family dynamic wasn’t “quite right”. Now I both have OCD and CPTSD. I would take the former over the latter any day.
Fight and flight get a lot of air time when people talk about the sympathetic nervous system. But it’s important to remember that there’s also freeze and fawn. I suspect that those of us who are codependent-and who are at an increased risk of becoming narcissistic supply-are especially prone to freeze and fawn.
I agree.
True !
I’m def frozen.
My “parents “ had ridiculous expectations. They refused to invest in my education such as overseeing homework or even providing paper and pencils (I embarrassingly had to borrow from my classmates constantly), yet I was expected to get A’s. I started my life in extreme poverty ( nothing but the clothes on my back and told to GET OUT the day I turned 18. As a girl, I am lucky to be alive). And yet, I was somehow expected to become a doctor even though they screamed at me when I suggested they co sign a college loan. I hate it when the comfortable class says when there’s a will there’s a way when one is living in poverty. The ultimate gaslighting.
I keep you on all night. Your books are on audible all night long with me so that when I wake with ruminations or panic attacks your voice of reason is already in my ears connecting to my brain and helping me out of the spiral. Thank you
I got cancer after dealing with a narcissist for 38 years of marriage. The chaos and craziness I endured, left me weak and fragile and I am a strong person. I finally asked him to leave.
They stole my life away from me too
I’ve been sick since day one. Hypertension, stokes, seizures, multiple surgeries, PTSD, anxiety, depression; lost home, friends, family, career and my looks. He sucked life out of me. I had a career bringing me all around the world. Now I hide inside a gated community - afraid to show the stranger that is now me to the stranger that was once me. I’m horrified and ashamed of this me and that me. Radical acceptance is all that is left. Now I’m disabled and elderly. Run now my friends while you can. THIS INSIDIOUS ABUSE IS A R E A L THING !!!
This is happening to me as well! Took me too many years to see this!!
I have all of these symptoms omg especially irritability.. i thought i was simply a bad person who doesn't have any control over their actions... this cleared up a lot of things for me.
Please Dr.Ramani don't stop making these videos.. they help us more than you can imagine.
Thank you❤
I thought the same about myself 😔. So thankful we have Dr. Ramani ❤️
You thought you were simply a bad person, that’s what they are best at. Nothing wrong with them!! It’s you. I divorced mine, he promised to destroy me if I did. 30 years on I can still feel sad that I believed that about myself. It’s not you ❤ my heart goes out to you ❤️
Absolutely true on the sleep meds I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for over 17 years that got me put on benzodiazepines and an antidepressant. I ended up getting AKATHISIA from the anti-depressant and it made me crave alcohol so I had to stop at abruptly and the doctor, after 12 years, decided to stop the benzodiazepine abruptly, I did not sleep for a year and a half at all, except for maybe 20 minute micro naps every few days. It’s also best not to go to a doctor for psychiatric medication during narcissistic abuse because you will never feel better being under abuse and then they will use your Treatment seeking against you. If you think that you’re struggling from the mental effects of narcissistic abuse, just wait until you add psychiatric drug withdrawal on top of that, and there is no drug to help that I’m surprised I am still alive.
Having your benzo uninformed doctor abruptly stop your meds is tantamount to malpractice. Benzos must always be slowly decreased precisely to not cause your problems. They are powerful drugs that attach to brain GABA receptors and must never be stopped abruptly, though few prescribing doctors in the states are aware of this. A quick google diazepam search will blow you away. Praying for your continued recovery from real abusers and those who abuse through ignorance.
Quick background edit: it took me a full year to titrate myself, with my educated gp’s help, off of benzos when my neurologist cold turkey’d me from years of prescribing them. GP knew immediately what was going on. We started benzos again but this time with a roadmap to get off of them safely. I know what hell you are describing. I’m so sorry.
I am so glad you are with us
I have been through medicine roulette myself . I still take one antidepressant . I am still investigating coping strategies.
Benzo" are so bad for us. I was given them by ex narc and then the drinking made me crazy. He would let me go into withdrawal from both alcohol and the pills and it went bad qiuckly. Its been hell and been off both for 534 days so far. Life single is wonderful I don't think I could be in another relationship. I simply do not trust my own judgement. Sad but true. I do take a med that is a depression med. I only take the minimal dosage. I hate pills. One is too many and a 1000 never enough.
Thank you for sharing for a number of reasons. One, I thought I got on antidepressants because of me, not my stbxnarc. And number 2, I thought I was one of the few rare people that started craving alcohol on a med I had to get off of. It was awful and I went absolutely bananas on it when I drank. Blackouts and truly bizarre behavior that my narc berated me for but then also took me out drinking. I think it was in part to use it to try to justify his discard of me, not his serial cheating. Thankfully my new meds don’t do that to me. I wish you and all of us well in our healing.
@elizabethalexander6528 Thank you for sharing .Healing takes time.Try to be patient with yourself. Already you are showing resilience self knowledge .
I cared for my grandfather until he passed away at home. I reached a breaking point (caring for a grandparent on hospice and a narc grandma with dementia and my next door neighbor narc mom). I was quickly disposed of and have been living on my own for almost 3 years with almost no contact. My mom figured out my address (probably from my brother who I no longer trust at all) and she sent me a Christmas card with $250 signed “grandma” in her handwriting. I wrote a letter with no return address and informed her I no longer live in this state, and sent the $250 back, and spoke honestly about the things that usually keep me up at night. Whether or not I end up mailing it, at least it’s on paper and less in my head. But I’m probably going to send it, and ensure nobody knows where I live. The things she and my family did to me are inexcusable and it’s taken a serious toll on my life and my health. They are not allowed to live in my head.
I have been through the same thing and if I could give you giant hug I would. Your valuable.❤❤❤
They are sneaky in trying to bait you to trust them again. Don't fall for it. (I need to follow my own advice. LOL!) Hope you're in a better place now.
My workplace was toxic nightmare. Glad not there anymore
The narcissist ex spouse, they used to throw tantrums because I'd be asleep, I used to work 4 on 4 off nights, I used to fall asleep on the sofa and used to scorn me by saying 'have a good sleep did you' in a really scornful tone.
The scorn can be unbearable.
@@rahrahrobbbieee scorn for sleeping... Crazy innit!
I used to get elbowed in the back if I snore as well!
I can take an elbow but the scorn wears you down slowly.@@waxrepine1298
I think that therapy is much more than 'just' having a place to 'let it all out", and share your feelings and experiences. Most victims of narcissistic abuse have never had a healthy, caring relationship before. Therapy can provide this, and more importantly, perhaps, model an alternative. Some go as far as to say, that the therapeutic relationship IS the therapy.
Having impaired concentration, was mostly to do with being all-consumed by the day to day drama of being in an abusive relationship. The relentless gaslighting meant that most of my 'bandwidth' went on simply trying to make sense of it all, and stay sane!
I agree, I'm grateful for my therapist. It's a great thing to be heard and helped to understand what happened. Thanks for sharing
I resonate with this soo so much 😩 Can definitely agree with spending so much energy on trying to make sense of everything & feeling so confused all of the time 😵💫😵💫
I have become very ill after the discard, the doctors can't work out whats wrong with me 💔
Symptoms
Memory loss
Exhausted
Fever and cold / flu symptoms
Body pain ,mainly in legs and feet.
Bloated stomach
You might have underlying PTSD causing your symptoms. 💜🕊
You aren't alone. Soldiers recovering from PTSD have the same symptomatology
@@Luckymillion96
Really! How do I recover ?
Thanks for your reply 👍
The body keeps the score is a great book for helping to understand what is going on with your nervous system. I'm finally free from all abuse and my body is falling apart. I can't work and I spend many days in bed only getting up to eat and use the bathroom. I'm learning that all of this is due to an extremely disregulated nervous system. It makes so much sense as I'm reading this book.
Got that.
1 min 42 seconds in and I'm yelling " exactly" My blood pressure was 180/80 the last time I engaged with my narcissist - took me days to stop ruminating and feel safe again.
Im glad you mentioned not multi tasking. Its bad for our brains.
This is so true. She’s amazing. I needed to hear that.
I have had a heavy unhappiness for 50 years. I guess I should be a little irritable.
in a narc relationship now. having lack of concentration, depression, have insomnia many nights, i jump out of my skin when i'm by myself and hear certain noises thinking he's home from work already, i feel like i'm always having to decompress 😮
The part about being blamed at school for the results of narcissistic parenting hit home for me. My mother used to follow me around at home making demands, harassing, and criticizing me for hours on end, while for forbidding me from going out. Even if I tried to get her to leave me alone by pointing out I was doing my homework and needed to concentrate, this had no effect. She was preoccupied with pontificating about anything from how I needed to do more chores (of which I did an unreasonable amount already), or how other various kids were allegedly better than me.
My only reprieve was after she went to sleep. Finally then, I could concentrate on homework, or playing a game, or relaxing. Of course, this didn’t leave much time for sleep. At school I would fall asleep in class frequently as a result. Instead of any teacher approaching me and asking why this was happening, they called my parents behind my back and suggested I might be on drugs (I wasn’t). Really made me feel like other adults would gang up on me with my narcissist mom and thus could not be trusted. Was a very isolating experience.
so sorry for such hurt from your own mother😢
They would tell me i was lazy and didnt want to learn,
When you were talking about finding quiet places to get away from the narcissist, it brought me back to when I would take hour-long showers every single day because it was the only way I could escape from her when I was home. I had to be in her line of sight every waking moment, had no personal space at all except in the bathroom. If I wasn't accessible to absorb her constant ranting about how she hated everyone and everything, that meant I was cheating with someone online. It was so emotionally exhausting. I couldn't think or focus on anything until I left the house to go to work, then I swear it felt like my IQ jumped up 60 points.
I experienced a lot of this.
Although, I didn't have academic difficulties, I was always disorganized, stressed, and all over the place. In fact, some made comments in my childhood about ditzy or an airhead. I later, in adulthood, that I have a very high I.Q.
I just removed myself, after 15 years, from an extremely toxic workplace system, and narcissistic boss. Between the multi-generation dysfunctional abusive family, social circle (I attracted and chose unhealthy people, and work. It broke me, quite honestly. I was diagnosed with high functioning cPTSD and now work with a Trauma II trained specialist.
I have binged watched you for around a year and a half. I have changed my life completely. I went NC with family, pulled back from the social group and narc friends, have new friends that I vetted carefully, and retired.
I never knew not being hyper vigilant, not being in survival mode (despite status position and very comfortable financially). It is now a whole nee way of being 'in my own skin.'
I cannot thank you enough! You are a God send to so many people. Just love you! Wishing you much peach and every happiness, Dr. Ramani!
How about never vacuuming or dusting because it is overwhelming.
Just isolate in front of TV for the peace & calmness it brings. Looking forward to going to the grocery store for comforting food instead of socializing with your good friends. Not sleeping till 3-4 in the am. Then getting up late & wiping out most of your daylight hours. ETC ETC!
Thank you Dr Ramani for the best counseling ever. God bless you 🙏for your kindness & generosity in sharing all of this info. I hope somehow you get reimbursed financially. Because I dont have the finances to pay a local therapist.
❤🧑
If not for my horse( who I haven't ridden in 8 yrs because of how unhappy I am)I would never get out of bed. Haven't cleaned my house in yrs and live in clutter( which I hate) because I just don't care and don't want to do anything after 60 yrs of abuse and even deliberate campaigns to destroy my ability to earn a living ,and this is an actual attempt to kill me(because what else can I do except suicide if I cant afford to live).
I can't believe your mastery of this topic. My seven year relationship with a vulnerable narcissist is winding down, and somehow your videos came to me. The sleep problems, rumination, fighting before bedtime, gas lighting, victim Olympics, silent treatment, volcanic rage from nowhere. You really nail it all. It's like you watched my life or something. Amazing. I developed Graves Disease 1.5 years ago. Now I know to stick to my boundaries and begin to heal. Thank you so much!
Good for you! I'm gearing up for the final countdown. I can't wait to be free.
I wonder when people will finally start connecting narc abuse, chronic illness...and toxic mold together. Your environment matters soooo much.
I cried all the way in the video. Thank you dr Ramani without you I could not go through this process especially with all the flying monkeys. ❤
Brilliant compilation of videos. Most people are unaware of the myriad symptoms associated with Narcissistic Abuse. I had a major AHA moment during the section on lack of concentration. The Law of Attraction, or even just straight forward creative ability, requires a calm, clear mind and mindfulness. This lack of concentration associated with Narcissistic relationships can keep us in Survival Mode. It's so much harder to Attract or have access to higher thoughts, healing, or creative thoughts in Survival Mode. Thanks so much!
I thought it was just 'the change'. Nope. Psychological Stockholm Syndrome.
Ugh! The brain fog! It felt like being weighed down, like walking around with a ton of bricks strapped to my back. I could barely string sentences together. The abuse gave me Chronic Fatigue Syndrome --- I felt like the walking dead! No one warns you about any of this!
Thank you!! I totally relate to the anger and the heaviness. There are long periods of time where it feels natural not to laugh. I miss the lightness I had. I am more wise now for sure.There is a feeling of dullness/numbness in some settings. I am beginning to laugh more but usually where I feel more emotionally safe. My outspoken anger is not out of my control but it is almost an uncontrolled reflex. I appreciate all the interaction here.
Instead of ruminating, I binge on Dr. Ramani. I thank God for her!
what a week taking care of my 97 yr old narcissustic father. i got BINGO on a daily basis. he goes home today and i deserve a huge treat!!!!
Just dropped $200 on new pillows and bed sheets, thank God for the sale they had. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to wait until Christmas for that one. I need better sleep. Hopefully next year I will be able to afford a new mattress. Sleep is so imperative! I went through sleep deprivation with my second child. That was when I learned how vital sleep was.
narcsists call even a hardworking person lazy mainly to make the person feel low or jealous
Wow, what an epiphany!!!
I was today years old when I realized that, what I always thought was undiagnosed ADD, was actually an inability to focus due to my brain, and body, being on survival-mode from growing up in a very dysfunctional and narcissistic family dynamic.
It’s likely that I do have ADD, and those other factors merely compounded the issue, but it’s so helpful to know where to start the healing, and from what angle.
Makes me wonder if I would’ve been a neurosurgeon or an astrophysicist if I had been able to concentrate in school.🤔😉
Me too. I know I'm smart but I struggled in school and felt dumb. Our brain and body were in survival-mode.
I never got sleep because of fighting parents, went hungry a LOT and never had clean clothes. I was always so tired I couldn't concentrate. Home should not be a war zone
@@mightymouse1005 I’m so sorry you went through that. Home is supposed to be our soft place to land.
''Irritability'' is a small word... I'd say what I've experienced in the past few years comes closer to ''spinning off'' into complete disorientation and dysregulation. It's been truly awful.
I get ''irritated'' anytime someone asks ''how are you?''. And given all the information I get on this channel about how the world works, I really don't know how anyone ever gets over this. Once you understand it, you can't unsee it.
I get very disregulated
I don't think it's possible , unless you learn about it early in your life and keep these vultures away from you in future . I think if you don't learn about it early enough to get out,you are just stuck with the trauma til you die.
Years after divorce from Narc, finally attempting a new relationship… Feeling frustrated and sad dating more potential narcs or extremely broken people. Asking myself why didn’t I stay with the narc I had since that seems to be all that is available for me? These videos really help to remind me how bad it was and how depressed I was. Never ever can I do it again. Please God.
Amen !
What do you mean by all that's available for you?
@@paulogunyemi8617 I guess I mean finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack… Maybe society in general is more narcissistic. I do have Faith and will continue to search.
@@GMAAndy333 yeah it's become faaaar too common. I say it's when people started taking selfies. Everything became about ones self and there image.
Hello Dr Ramani and everyone. The very first symptoms I had was my insides started shaking. My nerves were on edge. As time went on, my appetite was basically gone. He blamed ME for his weight gain bcse I paid for his dinner when we went out, so it was my fault.
Toward the end, when I left him, my stomach had gotten much worse and I was rushed to the hospital via Ambulance. I was in agony. Before they gave me morphine, the nurses were putting Hot water bottles on my stomach.
My intestines were in knots, and I was bleeding from"behind." I was given a Central LINE in my neck. I passed out and woke up in ICU..
I saw 3Dr's. One of them said to me WELCOME BACK. He later told me he was surprised I survived. This is what a narcissist can do to you especially when you don't know what the hell that means.
I'm taking care of my HEART❤, and I wish ALL of you my very best. GREAT TOPIC!
The NARC sister & myself shared a room at home. To irritate me, she would get up early mopping the room with bleach, ammonia and pinesol, forcing me to get up and leave the room due to the chemical reaction, I'm no contact and it's so peaceful☮️
People don't see the damage that they do to you.
They blame you!
His kid's were doing the same trauma too me.
Q: How do you find your own identity when you’ve been raised by a narcissist? As an adult, decision making becomes almost impossible-just living in a world of perpetual self doubt. How do you decide even who you are?
Find a place when you where really happy. Write it down. Feel it every day, ask yourself are you doing what you say your going to do. Do you get up when you say your getting up? Do you eat what you say you would eat? That is how you get your trust in you back! Go outside, take a walk....! Wish you all the best💞Romans 10 vers 9 and 10 say it out loud
I find that it's like when people talk about art style , they talk about their art style .. dependent on how often you draw and how long , your style constantly evolves or devolves . Use to worry about this when I was younger, but best bet when your in pain take on a task and finish it , the task will give you something to focus on and give you a dopamine boost and then go on to another task , you'll find its something you enjoy or form an addiction.. I payed for a replaced flooring and painted the walls and planned on what type of trim , I made a book shelf, I created costumes , I played the same game 3xs . I ran bleachers until I can go without stopping. I walked over an hour ..
I think my oldest daughter is a Malignant Narcissist. She can be very nice, sweet and caring one day and a horrible, person that says horrible, hurtful things the next day. She seems to act up like that especially when there’s an important or special event in the family but anything can trigger this change in her personality. I’ve been at the receiving end of her behavior for a long time. I honestly wanted to know what I did wrong for her to hate me so much. I also made the big mistake to confide on her on things that now she is threatening me. I became so depressed that I became suicidal. The pain and not knowing why I did to her to deserve so much hate was unbearable. It was until my husband researched about malignant narcissist that I understood that it was not my fault. Your videos and some others actually saved me.
We don’t have any relationship with her and her husband. I don’t want her in my life anymore. She has hurt me so much and so many times that I can’t deal with her anymore.
Thank you for explaining what a malignant narcissist is. She fits perfectly.
Thank you for saving my life.
My therapist has be listening to Binaural meditations with my headphones at bedtime. It’s made such a difference. I do self soothing with butterfly taps. So helpful.
Thanks !
The section about taking care of my health inspired me last spring to call the doctor's office to schedule a physical. I did it on my own without getting a reminder call. I'm also now having regular dental exams.
Thank GOD for your existence Dr.Ramani. I don’t know what I would have done without your teachings. I have gone crazy over and over and over again for about 12years and I lost myself, it affected my psyche that’s beyond words for me to explain. I finally found words for my feeling becasue of you. Thank you so so much. I sincerely hope I get to speak to you and take therapy from you before I go more crazy in life and loose whatever it is that is left of me.
Oh my gosh! 💡(15:20). Childhood Sleep issues flashback! Wow! Just had to process that. Gaining a ton of insight and healing around that right now. Thank you Dr. Ramani for that gift.
2:52. The narcissistic relationship is an unsolvable problem”. This hit me today as that is how I have been feeling lately. Trying to decide the best way to handle things that are happening and I keep coming up with the fact that I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Thanks for validating my thoughts!
I am viewing this video too late. I’m in the recovery phase of a 16-year narcissistic relationship with my supervisor. She finally retired on 10-20-2023. I have/had all the symptoms Dr. Ramani describes. In 2010 I started with the Fibromyalgia symptoms. Oh my goodness I’ve been through so much & I consequently put my family through so much with all my rumination & suffering. I did try to get away from the situation several times, but I am a government executive with a pension I am trying to earn & I didn’t want to give that up. The lack of concentration was severe. I even had myself tested for adult ADD & tried Adderall. I know I have PTSD & worry I may have lost years of my life due to the stress. I am not the best version of myself anymore & have periods of time when I don’t like other people. I have trust issues now.
Nervous system always activate all the time is very difficult. Thanks Dr Ramani blessings 🙏
@34:39 "The physical effects we observe in people experiencing narcissistic abuse can also happen through indirect pathways." She goes on to explain how those who are experiencing narcissistic abuse often stop taking good care of themselves -- not getting the right exercise, nutrition, meds, sleep, etc.
Yup, taking care of yourself feels too exhausting after taking care of a narcissistic person's wants and needs all day, every day.
It’s very true. I didn’t take my vitamins, I didn’t workout even tho I bought all my workout equipment out of impulse. Just trying to fill the black whole my narc ex had implanted in me. I got lazy while working. Didn’t answer the phone to check people in there parking spots I was always criticized on how I worked by my narc ex. These people are sick.
I can relate to socially isolating because of feeling irritable and in a negative mood, because of the family issues I am exposed to. When I wasn’t living as close to them, I was much happier and healthier, and outgoing, with many friends. My world has sadly shrunk down for sure. Working on expanding it again and taking better care of myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I have been suffering from this for decades especially the last decade. I feel like I have lost my mind or suffering from alzheimers . I did some research a while ago & I was slightly relieved that living with constant stress causes problems with your brain & mind. I am so relieved to hear this from you. After nearly 50 years of this I am completely & totally broken on every level & im sure that it’s now too late for me to recover
I recently left a narcissist, and what surprised me is how I almost immediately felt better within a couple of weeks. I still feel occasional pangs of sadness and sometimes miss him, but I also feel immense relief. I no longer feel exhausted all the time. I can sleep and go to bed at a decent hour (he would force me to stay up with him). Even the constant bloating and digestive issues.. gone! I have a stressful job but it's like my stress is now cut in half because I no longer walk on eggshells and can now actually rest after work. I can't believe I was living under his spell for so long! Without Dr. Ramani's videos I don't think I would have ever gotten enough courage to leave.
He would purposely try to keep me from sleeping and eating and when I would try to eat or work on something I could not concertante at all and felt constantly judged for it
I wish I had found you 40 years ago. This makes so much sense
I actually had a friend ( this friend does know about my upbringing) recently who me that it looked like I had ADD/ADHD (when in fact I don't) because i had a lot of the symptoms I'm fidgety, I can't concentrate etc. To know that's down to the upbringing that I had is a relief and a validation.
Thank you for this! I have had concentration issues for awhile now but put it down to being older- now I understand! My narc adult son is at the end of a long line of narcs! Last phone call I said- hey just tell me why you called plz and not run down too many rabbit holes! That shortened the call considerably! 😀😀So glad for any breaks!
You are amazing! Thank you very much.
It is amazing how you can perfectly connect ideas while being so accurate at the same time. ❤❤
Thank you Dr Rsmani. I am from Peshawar Pakistan. I am a civil servant on the verge of retirement. I faced narcesstic wife for over thirty years without knowing it. Your videos provided me insight into the dynamics of this relationship. Your videos has helped me a lot to tackle the issue and rediscover life. I am grateful Madam, Ghazanfar Ali, Peshawar, Pakistan
"It's like living with a crying infant." That is SO funny, and is so not funny at the same time because it is so true.
I used to get sick ALL the time, now it is very rare. I used to suffer from constant migraines, now they are few and far between. I had mysterious aches and pains that have disappeared. I was constantly huffing on rescue inhalers and now I haven't used one in more than 10 years. My allergies used to be debilitating and now it is quite managable. I've gained a lot of good things from recovering from my narcissist, but nearly 20 years later there is still a lot of symptoms I'm dealing with.
For me irritability and impatience is something I really have to work on. I take a lot out on my poor hubby who is so positive and patient. I am quick to anger, I think because I was never "allowed" to be angry before. I am in a constant "skeptic" mode, or my BS meter is constantly in high gear. I never accept anything anyone says to me at face value anymore, I'm always thinking "What's their angle? What are they getting out of it." It's a hard way to live, I tend to shut people out so I don't get hurt. I still get depressed a lot. But even after saying all that, I am 1000% better off (and a better person) now than I was then.
My long-term memory was gaslighted for years. Between cognitive stress and intermittent gaslighting, my working memory was poor. I started developing anomia in both speech and writing (spelling & grammar both). By the time I caught on to what was going on in my marriage, both were severe. Not long after I left, a friend came to visit. Normally I dislike when people fill in words, but I was so clearly frustrated when I couldn’t remember a word that he started simply filling in words so I could continue with the thought. I've been out for almost a year, and we noted recently that while he iccasionallh fills ina word, it's almost never necessary. Spelling and grammar, which used to be nearly perfect, continue to cause difficulty, although both are much improved. Cognitive function and working memory are much better. As far as long-term memory is concerned, both my ex and my mother engaged in re-writing history. If they claim that history is different from what I remember, the Truth Committee is not on their side.
❤You are an angel 💝😇 Thank you Dr. Ramani. God bless you 🙏🏻❤
I can relate so much to having autoimmune issues requiring me to have major surgery and my husband wasn’t supportive and made it harder for me. He would also put me down because of my health. It was such a stressful and painful time. 😢
Wow!! For so many years I had no idea what "the problem" was with my realtionship with my mother? I just thought she expected the world and I wasn't good enough due to my inadequacies and different ideas. It has caused so much emotional pain, sleep issues, unhappiness, exhaustion, the list is endless. As an only child, even though I am in my 50s, I can't escape her but at least now I am learning how to deal with it thanks to you. She still makes me feel like I am a child, she is so controlling. Friends don't understand when I say I can't just block my mom. I wish it was that easy. This makes SO much sense. I feel relief that everything wasn't all my fault, but also anger at the same time that I have missed out on so much. Not to mention the people in my life I may have affected with my insecurities and backwards outlook on the world. Thank you so much for these videos. I am now working on a "new" me. It is harder than it sounds but I will get there.
I So understand ! I am also an only child of a narcissist mother😢
Shortly after my husband and I moved in together I developed asthma, terrible rosacea, regular vomiting and diarrhea, migraine headaches, and my hair started falling out. I’ve been wondering if narc abuse actually caused my physical illnesses. Lately I’ve been telling people “I think I might have early onset dementia” and I’ve been reading that is a common thought when someone’s experiencing narc abuse!
Dr. Ramani, you are saving my life right now. I just got out with my physical being intact but my emotional strength is hanging by a thred.
These sick monsters destroy lives and you have helped me to understand and escape.
Thank you.
Thank you,Doc. We had a friend that was leaving her NPD husband,which took awhile. She gray rocked as much as possible but every single time she had to hear his voice during seperation she would get fever blister break-outs,ptsd flashbacks,etc. Then SHE would get edgy and difficult. She was used to more pain,not love and understanding. The physical and mental harm they are capable of is truly criminal. Thank God for the words of wisdom shared by Doc Ramani.
Yes organization gives me more time to do me and everything else comes so much easier...
1:24 thank You Dr Ramani 🙏🏼
2:10
2:23 yes they are
2:38 lack of empathy
2:53 unsolvable proplem
2:59 mentally intrusive
3:27 they don't really care
4:15
4:21 they make it about you
4:29 Heavy unhappiness 🙏🏼
Exactly 💯 %
24:57: "The irritability may also manifest as not wanting to be with other people. Since many people who endure narcissistic abuse are quite empathic and don't want to hurt other people, and they may personally sense that irritability coming up in them because they're so tired of this narcissistic relationship, and not like this irritability they're experiencing, they may actually start to increasingly socially isolate, because they don't want to lash out at other people. Or, they become impatient. So they may actually heed the cues, like the message, that your [their] irritability sends you [them] and withdraw from other people, which isn't good for you [them], because narcissistic abuse can actually take more of a toll when a person is more isolated."
I’ve definitely experienced problems with concentration, confusion and also memory. My head felt “foggy” . I had to give up studying because of it. No one understood. I’m a lot better now, but it took many years to heal
23:47: "Irritability can also result in another string of negative effects...the irritability can be a manifestation of...feeling stuck in your narcissistic relationship. But then, let's say you do snap at someone, or just get angry, or you just aren't acting like your best self. You may then find yourself feeling quite guilty and feeling badly about yourself for treating other people so badly, so you might be vulnerable to sliding more deeply into negative mood states."
I used to think when I was a kid, that maybe if I lost weight my parents would love me. When I hit puberty, I gained ALOT of weight, turns out it was estrogen. And my parents decided to fat shame me instead of taking me to the doctor. Shame was one of their parenting tatics.
Praying in bed not to complain to God but rather surrender all the thoughts to him and for protection and repentance of any toxic reaction on your side. Always works sometimes fell asleep before finishing.
At the same time that they don’t care very much about whether you take care of yourself or whether you are well or ill they get very frustrated and angry when you are not feeling well when you are sick when you are physically or emotionally disturbed because they have to deal with it and they don’t want to have to deal with you as a burden when you were supposed to be their primary support in all things.
Had an ulcer at age 10. In the hospital for 3 days. My narc. mother said she had asked the hospital a special favor to have the incident removed from my medical records. She told me, that when I applied for jobs in the future, it would be held against me. For the same reason, I should never mention it to anyone - it could be a real problem finding a job.
10 years later, out of curiosity, I contacted the hospital for my medical records. It was still there. Now, at age 68, no job has ever asked for that kind of medical information.
six months out from having survived my final 10-yr round of abuse and keep thinking i'm all better now.... not so much. thx as always for being here.
In addition to terrible self-care, we may actually engage in self-destructive practices whether it’s drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, gambling, etc. Support groups and 12-step programs can help, but the best medicine is to get out of that relationship if at all possible.
I feel so trapped it's hard to move. I have most of the self-destructive practices down pat. I'm mentally and emotionally depleted. 12 Steps didn't really help much. I just keep trying to find a way to leave this behind me.
@@rahrahrobbbieeeYou deserve better. Keep asking for help .
Thank you. 🫂🫂@@Greenawareness188
So relatable. I developed major insomnia at about the age of 13 from all the abuse as the scapegoat in a highly narcissistic family.. None of the good sleep hygiene suggestions helped and every professional I saw was incompetent and unable to figure out this was a result of constant and relentless scapegoating abuse. Because I was occasionally missing school due to severe insomnia, I was forced to start paying rent and therefore drop out of school to get a full time job. This set me up for a life of poverty, while I witnessed my family enjoy the luxuries of being multi millionaires.
I hope things turn around for you! If your siblings are still with your narcissistic parents, they will DRAIN them of money in their old age care. Right now, my parents are running their finances and their house into the ground because they will not listen to anyone. You will be the lucky one who got the heck away. Keep your finances separate. You'll be glad you did.
There are times that I watch Christmas shows or any shows that show a loving relationship that I find myself crying uncontrolably. I moun not having experienced a loving family relationship. I am a 76 year old male Marine so this soft side of myself is all the more unexpected.
I completely understand what you are saying I am 62 and just said something similar to my father I told him I don't know what love is
Out of all the things they have said and done this was the one that made me feel so sick: I spent $200+ (without telling my person) towards purchases made for them. Then I heard them accuse me of stealing a tiny amount of money from them. They then laughed maniacally and everyone joined in. I can't even explain how crushed I am by someone I thought was a good friend who cared about me. I have been 100% loyal to them. So I was super confused until I realized they are a narcissist and I have been their supply for months. Even tho I grew up with this I was totally blind sided. Now they all are saying I am crazy. I am making myself sick over it. I had to switch my medication hoping that will help. It's like an addiction. Yet, I am afraid to go to work now. (I have Lupus and other issues)
My dad did the same thing to me. Luckily no one believes I would steal from him, but he wouldn't back down and I have sought shelter in my she shed. My husband is helping me set up a comfy place out there and no one grieves me for slipping out the window. They can see how abusive he is to me. I'm 55yo and my husband and son have to help me manage my narcissistic father.
many victims experience such behavior
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can relate. My health and happiness is suffering too.
Ouch. This is why they call it ‘crazymaking’ they make you appear as if you are losing it; in some cases it looks true. Master manipulators
Lupus is one of the auto immune illnesses that we get from close proximity to narcissist! Please, please do meditations and raw vegan for 90 days, it's emergency self care, it can help!
My ex was a narc, and I lost my ability to focus because he would NEVER shut up! Even when I would go to bed to try to read and go to sleep, he would come back and interrupt because there was something he just had to tell me about. I eventually started listening to books just so my eyes would be shut when he came back and he might not "wake me up" to yammer at me more. Even though he's been out of my life for several years with all his babbling and angry eruptions, I still have trouble focussing. I still can't enjoy sitting with a book to just read, or watch a TV show even though it won't be constantly paused so he can tell me his opinion about whatever was going on.
Therapy yes…and also al-anon or another 12-step program if one is relevant to you. Al-anon in particular provides tools to deal with many of the issues raised in this video.
I suffer from all of these. What scares me more is that lately, I have noticed that I sound like my mom. I even feel her spirit sometimes and it scares the hell out of me.