1/. Gaslighting 2/ Love Bombing 3/. Triangulation 4/. Revenge Seeking 5/. Guilt Tripping All these Where Done To Me Almost To The Point Of Almost Having A Nervous Breakdown.. The Best Thing I Did Was Disconnect/Block Delete.. Narcissistic abuse is Brutal
If you don't like a behavior and tell someone a typical person will apologize and stop. A narcissist will punish you. If you have a really important event a typical person will show up and participate a narcissist will sabotage it or try to take the focus onto themselves. If someone compliments you and you feel pleased or feel icky like they are jealous.
Yes yes yes. They will deliberately go out of their way to do exactly what you have kindly asked them not to. Hence my incredibly bad reactions in the form of the reactive abuser. Such awful behavior on my part. I was pushed to my absolute limits
Yeah,when My mom died and the day people came to show respect, the so called boyfriend of My mam , he lived with her and in the house I lived also, all the people were there but he and others as me, were too late. Also when she was very sick a heart attack. He did not bring flowers in her sleeping room. All the flowers the house was full, not 1 he brought to her! They had a bar, and the door to the also living was open so everyone could see there is something going on and so he got the intention as if he was so sad and full of grief. When months later My mom passed away, he dit not let me in the hospital to visit her with him. No he went there and after that I came than later I saw a juwelry was gone he came up with a story it was gone blabla and that he asked the Doktor about it but blabla reanimation, gone...but a ring can not be lost than. Later a year or so I was already out of that house he committed suicide(before that he says to My mother, he want to do that if she would leave him)that talk I heard in another room. With My mom he cheated her with another woman and later again he lived with another woman who bought the bar. I met her I wanted to pick up some stuf from the former house, she put her hand before her face while talking and immidiately My then boyfriend and I same moment saw and spoke out: the ring of/from..my mom. She said he gave her that ring and she has her memories. But I was to sensitive to her but meanwhile she wore a ring what was before that still arround the finger of a woman who passed. And the other woman even when hearing it's different than what she assumed, did not even respond healthy.
@@bronwyntanner4501 ABSOLUTELY... I KNOW WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT...SO FRUSTRATING AND IF YOU WANNA LIE THAN YOU JUST SAY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANT. YOU SAY :RIGHT BUT YOU MEAN LEFT, THAN THEY GO LEFT. BUT...MAYBE ONLY YOU MAY SAY SO, WHEN THERE ISA REALLY IMPORTANT THING WHAT MUST GO RIGHT. BUT YOU KNOW, ITS DIFFERENT..THEY ALLREADY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR MINDS: EXAMPLE: "I GO THAN AND THAN TO THE LEFT. " THAN YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NARC,THINKS, WANT ALSO TO SAY TO THEM TO GO TO THE LEFT, THAN THEY GO TO THE RIGHT, BECAUSE MAYBE TO HAVE THE ILLUSSION , THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, AND NOT YOU. They maybe had someone in life who controlled them and they don't want that happening. So now if you ask them something than they see it Asa command. And they hide behind a victim role to do what they wanna do. The heart get hardened or something. The more you ask them to do something you want the harder they go for a opposite,the feeling is f going through boundaries for them selves and be happy but for us they go to far. Dr.Phil tells about they step at your boundaries they just don't care. And you know what? We only react NORMAL and understandable, they have no logic at all!
Oh anger. I am the reactive abuser. When married to the passive aggressive covert narcissist I raged and swore and ranted and yelled. My behavior was horrendous. I was soooo ashamed. He drove me absolutely crazy. Happy joyous and free since June 2017 with not one angry day. Some moments but nothing longer!!!! I will always be ashamed of my seriously bad reactions
Don't be so hard on yourself. Getting angry when you are the target of constant passive-agressiveness (= baiting!) is a perfectly normal reaction. Sane even. It probably saved you. And maybe ( maybe...) you could have had more self controle in some situations. But recognizing that fact should not be a source of eternal shame. You tried with this person. You can take pride in the efforts you made and the self awareness you've gained. And be excited about using the lessons in life ahead. Let go of the shame. Knowing you don't want to feel and act that way again is enough.
Wow. I'm suddenly understanding why I'm so calm out of relationship, when I was always so enraged in it, although my partner appearantly never did something wrong... Thanks a lot!
Yup right there with you. I feel so bad my kids witnessed my frustrated rage. I realize now he kept me so unnerved with his coldness neglect contempt breadcrumb style I was always simmering asking myself what's wrong. I had no idea he was a narcissist because i thought they were only grandiose. Of course it made me look crazy which he told all and presented himself the suffering saint.
3:30 normal anger in people doesn’t scare me or get freeze / flight response activated. But narcissistic or other pathologically negative people’s anger does! If people are conscously and rightfully angry, it’s different experience to witness it. But mentally disturbed people’s unjustified and misplaced rage is very scary to me. I get a bad freeze response. 😢
Dealing with my sister now that reached out to me after I've gone no contact. Let's just say, there's a reason why I went none contact. Nothing but gas lighting.
😮 Don't go back to that!!! My narcsister is standing on her head trying to get a confrontation from me. No contact is working for me and against her. They are aware of this and their goal in life is to create a trap for us to return to the vicious cycle. Remember; when we are living our lives? The narcissist is obsessing over us. I mean...every waking moment they are plotting our demise. THAT'S why they seem light-years ahead of us in scheming and scamming us: it's because THEY ARE!!! We are theirs in their sick worlds. And they'll jump the ocean to get us back under their rule. Good luck to you!!! I thoroughly understand the sister angle.
I don’t like to gossip, I also don’t like talking about others. So I talk about myself or things that happened to me or things I learned about. I also was told by a narcissistic person that I need to stop talking about my narcissistic sister, and focus on myself. Then that same person, told me that I talk too much about myself. I feel like I can’t do anything right.
My narcissistic ex was the same way. I would be trying to explain how hurtful his behavior was using “I” statements and he said I was so self-centered I couldn’t get through a sentence without making it about myself. It’s all part of the gaslighting.
I love the " I'm sorry" (pause here)" I can't do anything right." 15 minutes later, well, I said I was sorry. Give it up, you can not win or even break even.
I've had some success saying "Real apologies require amends. If there are no amends then what you're doing right now is not really an apology ." You may get some additional sputtering, but the gaslighting in the moment usually stops
Ex husband was a pro at future faking. It was always transactional - an empty promise to give something back in the future, in exchange for something he gets NOW.
I think it’s important to add that gaslighting isn’t “denying my reality”, it’s “denying reality”. If I’m objectively deluded in my reality, I welcome someone skilfully challenging on my skewed perception of reality.
When I left him the first time he stopped doing all the things I had huge problems with. Then promised they would never happen again and he love bombed me back. After 6 weeks all the old things crept back in along with abuse and a lot more control. So I eventually left for good, and I have learned that he has stopped all those things again. He was obviously just doing all those troublesome things to show who was boss, and to control me. He is currently under a restraining order until January 2025....and he is 85....they never give up!!! Thank you Dr Ramani for helping me heal.
My covert narcissist is addicted to, "If only you, then we..." ,and when I finally Heard that, I started saying, first you, then me. I then stop listening and walk away. I feel way better since I figured that out. Thanks😊
Knew I was rare! I think I’m charismatic, nice, open minded, loving, sensitive, driven, empathic, and love myself and am authentic and take big risks with being honest about myself and stand alone.
You are the BEST Dr. Ramani!! ✨✨An angel doing Gods work.✨✨ I wish I saw your channel many years ago- it would have saved me so much undue heart ache and duress. Thank you so so much🙏🌺 you are truly making a profound difference with all of your education, awareness and wisdom when it comes to these kinds of people. Amazing work and so entirely self empowering!! God bless you my dear!!!!!🌻🦋✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
I agree she is the best at explaining this...I wish I had her 40 years ago too... many have a difficult time navigating narcissism... She will definitely inspire many in the future.
RE future faking: my guy did not promise me things per se. It was more indirect than that. So, for example, early in the relationship, he said “It’s a shame you don’t want children; otherwise you’d be perfect.” And I said, “Who says I don’t want children?” And he said “You do want children? Then you are perfect!” We became “boyfriends.” Lived together. Planned on engagement & marriage. A few years later, his father and his older brother had a falling out. It was ugly. My guy said “If that’s what it’s like to have adult children then I’m not having children.” I let it slide because he was obviously very upset about the current family situation. I thought it was merely something he was saying in the heat of the moment But we never spoke about having children again, and we never did have children. That’s actually a good thing because I’m sure we would have fucked them up royally. But looking back, that seems like a future fake to me.
I would say that outbursts of anger, especially so intense they cause fear and anxiety in others, can also be due to borderline traits or the entire disorder. It's a painful condition. I'd say as one who suffers from traits, the difference is the narcissist doesn't care and is fine with exploding, but I hated it, wanted to change, and did.
To add- when i learned the DARVO formula, i recognized that i had done that before. It felt like more of a borderline PD symptom. When i learned what it was, i studied the "D" extensively. My family never validated emotions, so i never really had a chance to learn. Of course i value connection with others above all else, after dealing with my family of origin for decades. Im starved of connection. I would never want to invalidate someone, and i learned to do better, once i recognized it. Learning DARVO inside and out really pushed me into understanding what makes a behavior toxic vs healthy, which was never laid out for me clearly before. I was very ashamed to recognize that i had unintentionally used the formula, but being willing to examine and learn leveled me up, in the specific way i had been looking for, for years. Definitely worth facing the shame.
Same for me. And on top of that, I would add... Recently I've had family members use those types of informations about manipulation and narcissism and other PDs, to bait or deflect or gaslight me so much, to make me out as the tyrant and reassure themselves of their own victimhood, it is maddening and it is narcissistic cynism, cruelty and irony pushed to the next level. I am now trying to use any information I get on psychology and psychiatry for the one and only purpose of bettering myself and my own behavior. Obviously awareness of other people is essential for your own decision making. But anyone who stops at diagnosing other people's faults is dangerous. I'm sure they were terribly hurt. But that's life. For everyone. Let it go. We ALL have faults and defense mechanisms. What says a lot more about a person is... how do they react when they are made aware of theirs?
@@dansasap anyone who wants to connect with warmth and compassion, won't make it impossible to do so. It is so frustrating and heartbreaking when it's family, though!! Another great resource regarding narcissistic systems (with a focus on moving forward/healing/ not being caught up in their drama) is TH-cam channel "Tim Fletcher." I highly recommend his Friday night lectures if you have any family dynamics that are frustrating or dysfunctional. His lecture style can be dry (he speaks to a live audience weekly, that's the majority of content), but the information is extremely rich!!
I have an idea for your next video! My narcissistic ex always used to tell me, "I'm not like this with anyone else". "You make me like this". Something in me believes this is true. Can you do a video exploring whether the 'narcissist' only emerges in a triggering relationship and perhaps they're fine with everyone else?
I saw a video about them surrounding themselves with ‘yes people’ or other narcissistic people not ones that would call them out.. but my ex said the same things to me ‘I’ve never heard that before!’ ‘Never had these issues with my exes’ ‘You make me drink’ ‘My friends wives don’t act like this, they understand men’
December 24th here! I think you tackle this topic with grace and absolute understanding because as a Capricorn you've done exhaustive research and put a trillion thoughts into it😂❤❤❤
I watch your videos as often as I can because even though I do therapy and I know what my diagnosis is NOT, (I got called the narcissist every time I said anything was 'off' in their behavior), still I came to a point where I doubt my mind a lot. I have recordings, texts and constantly feel the need to check them just to make sure. Your videos are extremely helpful Dr. Ramani. Thank YOU!
I hadn’t heard about baiting before, but it explains a lot in my relationship that just ended. I still don’t understand his point of trying to pick fights, but they always seemed to be at times he was trying to destroy things. When I came to visit him in his country the first time, when I was about to go visit him the second time, when he ruined that trip and I was trying to find another time for us to see each other, when we reached the 6 month anniversary of our relationship. He came up with the most bizarre comments then made it sound like it was me who caused the problems.
I've listened to your videos for hours & hours and the 1st and most important thing for me would be to learn how to repress rumination. I'm kind of neurotic and need advice on this : how to stop the anger from overwhelming me every time I think about my narcissitic mother. She always had an oedipal complex and uses me as her confident/psychologist since she doesn't get that from my father. Whenever I visit them, she's like a kid who wants to show me all her toys, only she does that with every little thing that's happened to her between my visits. It's like : "Finally my best friend is here! I need to tell this person everything!" The catch is, I'm not interested and found out how much of a weight I was with one of my so-called "friend" 20 years ago. At least I know now why he avoided me sometimes. The good part is I learned to stop doing it (sharing my thoughts on every little thing thinking people were always interested).
This video is very important! There is much misinformation around. Thank you for making it really clear. NPD is all about the lack of empathy, lack of goodness and lack of love and their destructive defence behaviour.
Your videos have been lifesaving for me throughout my current situation while I recover from narcissistic abuse & trying to break an intense trauma bond. You are amazing & so intelligent- i felt an immediate connection with you. Tonight while watching this video I learned that we share the same birthday!! Blew my mind honestly, definitely makes sense ♑️💗
I think one of the worst is when the Narc manipulated the partner to make the child apologize when they call the Narc out and refuse to listen to what’s being said.
VERY GOOD YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO EXPLAIN, AND AGAIN I EXPERIENCE WHAT I THOUGHT THE QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT IS WHAT , AND Y.T. COMES WITH THIS VIDEO WITH YOU, EXPLAINING, THSNK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR INTENSIVE WORK TRYING TO HELP US AS I MAY SAY IT IN THESE WORDS. I AM HAPPY AND THANKFULL TO LET'S SAY MEET YOU AND DR. LES, LATER I SAWA PICTURE OF A VIDEO WHERE YOU AND HE HAVE HAD A TALK TOGETHER.
Dr. Ramani knows her stuff, and has been educating us for years and years. Keep in mind these types of people carry with them, ALL the time, every ounce of the dysfunction of which she speaks. It never leaves them, and if they’ve bestowed upon you the damage they can, then you have every right to protect your space. The best thing you can do for yourself is to see the truth in front of you, and no longer try to excuse their behavior. “They’ve had a bad day; they’re tired,” are examples of that. Please stay strong and keep your value in the forefront of your mind.
I think it's the same kind of "love" that junior high kids feel when they're dating: they just don't know how deep love can actually be, so it's love as they know it. But some are just saying it because they think they should.
29 old and I am at the point where I want to go no contact with my narcissistic mom, I haven't knew about this condition until I found this channel, I am a grown man and always considered myself emotionally stable but going through this videos and comments are eye opening. My mom is gaslighting me and turns everyone against me and I am trying to prove everyone that it's a manipulation, like all others before. My family always laughed when I brought this problem and quickly changed topics, until now I had never seen all this stories and I feel so connected and I understand how badly I need someone to talk about it. I have never felt so connected, it's like reading through my own life. I am at the point where I get a lot of gaslighting and manipulation through my family and I feel like I need to talk to some one that understands me and can give an advice. I understand I should go no contact regardless, it is very hard, until now I thought I love her, now I am questioning if it's just me being fooled with guild into loving her. I am questioning a lot of stuff right now. If anyone has recommendation for a proffesional that can help me online about this topic please leave a recommendation.
Dr. Ramani offers a survivor support program with a workbook…look through her channel to find it. I would recommend a therapist for 1:1 work also but don’t know of one who is experienced helping a survivor of narcissism specifically. I think it is really important your therapist has niche training in this. I have experienced reputable therapists who helped me in other ways, but were not trained (enough) about this personality style, did not even recognize it, and made the situation worse by coaching me to improve the relationship the same way they would with a normal, well-meaning person. Understandably, a survivor is very vulnerable…an (otherwise good) therapist can prevent or prolong your journey to healing. I could’ve severed my ties with the narcissist much sooner, and moved on with less scars and more coping tools. I would search for narc survivor specialists…if that exists! ❤
Dr. Ramani you have helped me so much. How you have taken these issues and break them down with examples to make us aware is extraordinary. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Is "narcissistic shame" not just guilt? Like maybe they have such a unhealthy relationship with guilt that they deny it outright. Because guilt is one of those feelings that feels bad, but we have to feel it, because it's our conscience telling us that we did something bad. And guilt helps us feel bad about our negative actions. Could it be that they can't sit with guilt, because it's a "bad" feeling, and that's why they're so callous with the way they treat people? Because they're suppressing ever feeling any guilt?
That would describe my mother. Problem is in their efforts to avoid the guilt/shame, they shove it onto us. I find you cannot get close to these people because they push every negative emotion they feel onto me and my mother psychologically pushes me away to avoid any negative feelings in herself, to the point of complete neglect. She did it when I was a child and still does it now. When I struggle she doesn't want to know, when she struggles she passes it on to me. Both my parents have and do, do this. I think you may have something with this theory. They can't ever own their own stuff
I am the mother of a narssistic son, as a child he could be difficult at times and did have some transition issues,, it wasnt until he was grown in his 20s that the narcisim manifested, first with his wife, now ex, then with me. Since that time, about 14 yrs, I've been through therapy, accepted for the most part that it was not my fault, I still spend hours wondering if I could have done things differently and he would have been fine so it really is my fault. Which then makes me wonder if he wasn't right and that I'm the narcist because I'm making it about something I could have done...... on and on it goes. When it's your child, that you love so much, does it ever end .....
Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash
Maybe if both are trying, and congratulations if it’s working for you, otherwise it’s just one sided long suffering and endless repetition of bad behaviour and forgiving and getting hurt all over again. Vicious circle of abuse.
The struggle I have. Discernment. It helps if I just stay in the moment and think about it later. Love bombing, future faking, gas lighting, baiting towards the end, bread crumbing is a toss up. Although she did converse at first and eventually told me she just ignores what I say. But then occasionally she would talk about things she knew I would want to talk about and then proceed to ignore me.
50:36 living with “breadcrumbs “ is extremely painful. Knowing that the person that you love not only doesn’t love you but that she is only staying for me to finance her lifestyle and keep her house. She tried a divorce but found out that she would lose the house and most of my income. Leaving is not an option because she has our daughter convinced that all is my fault. If I leave my daughter will cut off communication. It’s a very difficult life.
It's hard to leave because not only are these tactics really well thought-out, but it isn't something you can see through right away because narcissists who keep you like that for so long usually come from a very important relationship to you. A parent, a mother, a father, when it's these types of relationships it's harder than a partner. At least from what I've experienced. It's simpler to comprehend what's going on when it is a friend or a lover/partner. But regardless where it comes from it wounds you for life. It cuts through your soul and healing takes as longer than the abuse itself.
I’m a Capricorn- Jan 12! Super determined and goal oriented, which is why I survived my evil Narcissistic “husband” soon to be dust. 🙌🏼 Currently fighting off his side chicks who are helping him retaliate against me by filing Injunction against harassment… the audacity. But the best part is: stupid attracts stupid and so they’re lying under oath and they are about to find out.
I’ve been grappling about whether I’m a narcissist. I wish there was a quiz to take that would help. Rural areas prove to be difficult to find a therapist. I know I spend a lot of time ruminating and questioning myself, but I refuse to apologize for some things that I don’t feel was wrong. This is a switch because I’m usually the first to apologize for things that are not my fault. Apparently I hurt someone’s feelings when trying to get something done…if I apologize, I feel that it will fuel the manipulation, but I still don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings at the same time. Idk, I’m too old for this stuff. I don’t know right from left anymore
Another thing in regards to the Capricorn thing, people will assume it is narcissism.... I'm autistic... because of my emotional needs and mental needs on top of the trauma from being in a narcissistic family and relationships, people try to argue with me that I'm narcissistic and I've done research out the wazoo because I had no intention or desire to be that person only to find out that in my research a lot of autistic adults get written off as narcissistic selfish assholes. When in reality people just get defensive and take things personally because we can't life the same as everybody else. But no one will take the time to understand us. My problem is I'm super empathic but I only recognize certain emotions. So because I can't empathize with everybody I'm suddenly a narcissist... In the sad reality is most of those people are actually the ones who are narcissistic.
They will make you on such a state where you become addicted to stress and you will even get may thoughts of whether it's worth to live anymore or not.
My husband future fakes me about something as simple as going out for breakfast. I can't even tell you how many times he's said "we will go get some breakfast and then __________". Never happens. I never count on it anymore.
Can you make a video about how narcissistic folks make us feel like narcissists? I have a narc in my family of origin. The community has always reflected to me that i am kind, and i am often told to ask for help more often. In relationships, i feel like i am being unkind, and i am discouraged from asking anything. The reflection i get from my family and romantic interests has been what i trusted in the past, and i can see how that undermined my wellbeing. How can we be more loyal to ourselves than to someone who wants to get into virtue signaling? I used to be easily guilt tripped. Now i see it and i dont catch it, but the other ends up thinking i have bought in to their narrative, just because i know when to not get into it. Just because i wont engage in a debate about my reality, they wrongly behave as if i have agreed with them. One waited for an apology after gaslighting, they waited for well over a week before realizing that they were on a separate page entirely. How can i make it clear that their narrative is not mine, without lowering myself into being abrasive and demeaning? I trust my body now, which is a huge help. Any good one liners, like "i respect your right to blah nlah blah AND i still see something different," something prewritten that wont induce a volcano? Thank you!! We appreciate your time and help❤
By the way guys, keep you head up! What I have found out about the narcissists is that they are afraid of people with a big mouth that and who don't care about what other people are saying or if they look bad in certain situations. And, because they are aftraid of this type of people, the stay quite and they don't attack them. That's why I am saying that it is very important to keep your power and your emotions to you and be responsible just for you and not for them. Fear= anxiety. Do you really want thet for your whole life? They are not on top of you, they are below you and they have to be treated exactly how the deserve. If a child is doing something wrong, then they are put in their place, they are corected, but not the narcissist. Why is that? Because a child cand have a bad influence over you, or in that situation where you are, but a narcissist can harm you and that is why you give them the ,, special tratament"? That is saying a lot about people who behave this way. I think it is healty to give more special tratament to the children, have more pacience with them ,explain, etc. A narcisist doesn't deserve that, a child does. And most important ,, your own protection" against the rage and bad words, lies, manipulation it is just in you imagination. Sooner or later they will atack you. Your soul it is not safe around them it doesn't matter what you do. So, stop doing it and let them go. Live your life, protect your children, and don't give them the importance that they do not deserve. I am a person who had to deal with a lot of narcissist my whole life, but the big and most important lesson that made me reach the conclusions that I told above came from a malignant narcissist who was set to distroy my name, reputation, business, a had flying monkies over my head, and all the menue included. And this situation with the malignant narcissist actually took me to a point where a couldn't take it anymore and actually from this situation I have found out that I have been on my knees all my life. Because of all the hurt that he inflicted on me, I took the decision to stand up and fight for my life, for my happiness and took me to the point where I realized my own value. So, for me, dealing with this type of malignant narcissit save my self esteem and my life, and found out that I have real courage to stand by myself, and it didn't actually matter if the narcissit turned people against me. Why to keep those people in your life if they can be so easily turned against you. It means that they don't kown you and they do not care about you. Wish them a happy trip together with the narcissist. Another positive thing that the narcissist is doing for free for you- taking from your life all the easily manipulated, fake friends, etc from your life. At that time, for me was extramly painful, but now...I say- thank you! Enjoy you trip!
I don’t think I was love bombed. Could it be because my guy was covert / neglectful? He was charming, charismatic, and displayed the intellect & intelligence that I was seeking in a partner.
Interesting. I know someone who often rules conversations, going on about themselves or others. I keep my distance because they've constantly hurt me. Recently they read an article on a personality disorder and decided I have it. I don't meet the criteria for it. Seemed to try to convince me I have it. I don't think they're a narcissist, but they're definitely not safe for me. I'm concerned what or who else they're doing that to. Also wish others could see how icky it is. But it's not happening to them... yet.
All the promised things that never happened. I didn't know about future faking. But I lived with it. Now my life is messed up, and his unaffected thanks to all his future faking.
Re: Anger--I'd appreciate a video about emotional expression in different PDs. In particular, I find it can sometimes be tricky to tell when someone's emotional display is calculated and manipulated vs. spontaneous and authentic, and when someone is trying to control or micromanage people out of fear or losing control or fear of losing the relationship, vs. exerting control out of a sense of pure ego. Re: Lovebombing--Question: Can fawning be part of a narcissist's arsenal of tricks? I recently encountered a rather odd person who fawned and apologized profusely for a mistake they'd made, heaped lavish praise on the other people in the conversation, and breathlessly offered to make amends for the mistake with assorted grand, melodramatic, excessive, sometimes-vaguely-self-punishing gestures, but who showed visible anger and indignation when someone would interrupt or redirect them when they started to blather or go off-topic, slid in a few remarks that struck me as passive-aggressive and sneaky, made tons of excuses about why they couldn't just address one specific problem behavior that was the *actual* issue, and blathered on/humblebragged about the assorted "service" and "helping" roles they'd served in throughout their life. Maybe they weren't a narcissist, but something about them absolutely struck me as "off" and "sus."
Hi Dr Ramani and everyone. It's been years since I've been away from him, but you never forget. He was very good at his job, which I respected, and he was loyal to his boss. To be honest, that was it!! He was GREEDY, Conceited, and SPOILED! Believe me, i have given this a lot of thought, and he was a full blown narcissist!
Love bombing happened a little different and maybe because he was a covert, he spent time emotionally connecting to me and lying about his interests so they match mine. He laid in wait and manipulated me. This doesn’t seem fast but it developed a deep connection and bond and he had so many same interests. A connection that was emotional and not sexual as I wasn’t really interested at first. As I have sorted out all the lies that have come to realize that in our early 20’s all the things I was interested in and that we would stay up all night talking about, he was indeed not. They slowly disappeared and as I have been healing I have realized that these were disingenuous interests and after 26 years you do not remember especially when the abuse escalates.
I have learned so much from Dr Ramani. I now know what my daughters 3rd boyfriend IS. I wish I knew this information when I became his target for his rage, after he moved into my daughters home when she was 3 months pregnant, where I lived in with her.I have always been aware she is a people pleaser and can be easily lead. Which is ok if a person is trust worthy. Why I could lead her to buying a home a week before her 22 nd birthday.. she had the. F
Yea future faking is what I have experienced from my ex narc. Only if I have known, my decision would have been made better for him. Too sad not many people are aware of this narcissistic personality.
One thing I would add is the never personal infos sharing from narcissists, in my work it happens to have a mixed of truly just high energy and big space taking personalities as singers and will be singers who are (we are) a bit as generous dragons who are fantastic doing their show flying in the sky and then learning than on earth we have to learn how to be appropriately not as in the sky and those being just narcissists with the pretension of the hype attached to good singing. Those last never get meaningful while singing but especially in daily little organisation/just life things never never never say or share something about them. To me now it is a bit of a red flag.
7 years woth him were the best and worst time simultaneously😢. I hate and miss him 😞 always tried to not see his bad sides but he was to abusive and good times became less 😢😢
My dad is BPD + fluctuating with (manic) delirium / vulnerable narc / normal (short) episodes. He shifts fast! His mother was narc and he married a narc (my mom). He used to dream aloud about big boob women when in delirium phase. Very Freudian! ”The narcissistic wound”… My narc mom’s always taken his delirium blabbering and frustration seriously. Which is weird. She fights back like she’d get her dignity back that way, not by kicking him out. She’s grandiose narc but has very vulnerable ego. I was 4 years when I realized there’s something wrong in her to fight back and respond to really ridiculous slurs by my father, instead of just leaving him and filing for divorce. She can’t think rationally if my father ridicules him. Even if he’d do it quite lovingly and in a totally silly way. (Not happening anymore). Her rage is out and it quickly escalates into a toxic fight. The cyclical / episodical personality of my father has been very very challengeing. But I also think no one can survive the vicinity of my mom having sanity for long. The combo of them is been a huge and heavy mess. I’ve tried to escape them for decades but they creates new more intense fights if I go too far. I lived alone with my mom for some time when I was young. Her reality denying narcissism alone was so demanding I used to smoke cigarettes like crazy, just like my father. I also had to get drunk weekly with my friends. I wanted to relax and laugh after enduring listening that manic grandiose narc for a week.
QUESTION: Dr. Ramani, can someone be an opportunistic narcissist? That is, can their narcissism come out only when they're with someone who is unaware or submissive or will put up with it? Or when firm boundaries seem to curb it?
Lying for no apparent reason constantly not lying out of fear. And someone who lacks accountability who refuses to take responsibility. I don’t know of an antagonist to that one.
Example of baiting: Sibling's partner, knowing a certain oppression is a touchy topic for you, brings up a controversial aspect of that topic with you and another family member who is likely to express opinions that will upset you (the goal is to provoke a fight or for you to dysregulate/cause chaos and conflict between you and one or more family members).
To me, I was gaslighted by my exhusband and his mother. It added up to, I didn't see what I saw because it never happened, I didn't know what I knew because it never happened and I didn't hear what I heard because they never said it and at one point, he said my father was not my father because a private detective was hired and moms former boyfriend had 5 girls that looked just like me. Later, he said that he and his mother just tried to drive me crazy and that's why he said that. He and his mother wanted me to lose it, using a former hospitalization again me for depression (my mom was a narcissist) and they wanted me to lose it so he could divorce me and get custody of our sons and they could raise them and she was my competition where I felt like the mistress or other woman. There was so much gaslighting in my marriage that I am very sensitive to gaslighting in future relationships and I call it out.
The breadcrumbing. I accepted his little crumbs of time, attention, etc because I had very little self worth and just wanted him to love me. So I was ok with ( not happy, but ok with ) an hour here and there. Then, 9 years in he started spending time with an ex from 20 years prior and told me about all the things they did together, in public for hours, entire evenings. But they weren't and aren't physically intimate. So, then ...he actually started offering me the " opportunity" to spend time with him too -- but secretly and only for sex & other one- sided sexual acts ( for him, not me.) And finally, finally I was able to realize my dignity & self respect were vitally important to my well- being. And I said No. No thanks. Let her do it.
1/. Gaslighting
2/ Love Bombing
3/. Triangulation
4/. Revenge Seeking
5/. Guilt Tripping
All these Where Done To Me Almost
To The Point Of Almost Having A Nervous Breakdown..
The Best Thing I Did Was Disconnect/Block Delete..
Narcissistic abuse is Brutal
Don’t forget the smear campaign.
@@ladyluck5248 O Most Definitely..
My body started to break down and it showed up in my bloodwork.
Sleeping under a bridge was better than the orthopedic mattress in the guest room.
@@Eluderatnight ❤️
@@Eluderatnight
YES
Denial, projection, blame-shifting, gaslighting, the double bind.
If you don't like a behavior and tell someone a typical person will apologize and stop.
A narcissist will punish you.
If you have a really important event a typical person will show up and participate a narcissist will sabotage it or try to take the focus onto themselves.
If someone compliments you and you feel pleased or feel icky like they are jealous.
Yes yes yes. They will deliberately go out of their way to do exactly what you have kindly asked them not to. Hence my incredibly bad reactions in the form of the reactive abuser. Such awful behavior on my part. I was pushed to my absolute limits
Yeah,when My mom died and the day people came to show respect, the so called boyfriend of My mam , he lived with her and in the house I lived also, all the people were there but he and others as me, were too late. Also when she was very sick a heart attack. He did not bring flowers in her sleeping room. All the flowers the house was full, not 1 he brought to her! They had a bar, and the door to the also living was open so everyone could see there is something going on and so he got the intention as if he was so sad and full of grief. When months later My mom passed away, he dit not let me in the hospital to visit her with him. No he went there and after that I came than later I saw a juwelry was gone he came up with a story it was gone blabla and that he asked the Doktor about it but blabla reanimation, gone...but a ring can not be lost than. Later a year or so I was already out of that house he committed suicide(before that he says to My mother, he want to do that if she would leave him)that talk I heard in another room. With My mom he cheated her with another woman and later again he lived with another woman who bought the bar. I met her I wanted to pick up some stuf from the former house, she put her hand before her face while talking and immidiately My then boyfriend and I same moment saw and spoke out: the ring of/from..my mom. She said he gave her that ring and she has her memories. But I was to sensitive to her but meanwhile she wore a ring what was before that still arround the finger of a woman who passed. And the other woman even when hearing it's different than what she assumed, did not even respond healthy.
@@bronwyntanner4501 ABSOLUTELY...
I KNOW WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT...SO FRUSTRATING AND IF YOU WANNA LIE THAN YOU JUST SAY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANT. YOU SAY :RIGHT BUT YOU MEAN LEFT, THAN THEY GO LEFT. BUT...MAYBE ONLY YOU MAY SAY SO, WHEN THERE ISA REALLY IMPORTANT THING WHAT MUST GO RIGHT. BUT YOU KNOW, ITS DIFFERENT..THEY ALLREADY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR MINDS: EXAMPLE: "I GO THAN AND THAN TO THE LEFT. " THAN YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NARC,THINKS, WANT ALSO TO SAY TO THEM TO GO TO THE LEFT, THAN THEY GO TO THE RIGHT, BECAUSE MAYBE TO HAVE THE ILLUSSION , THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, AND NOT YOU. They maybe had someone in life who controlled them and they don't want that happening. So now if you ask them something than they see it Asa command. And they hide behind a victim role to do what they wanna do. The heart get hardened or something. The more you ask them to do something you want the harder they go for a opposite,the feeling is f going through boundaries for them selves and be happy but for us they go to far. Dr.Phil tells about they step at your boundaries they just don't care. And you know what? We only react NORMAL and understandable, they have no logic at all!
I’ve finally broken free a week and a half ago, I’m binge watching to reconfirm my decision. Thank you ❤
Me too ❤
Congratulations! A brand new beginning has started. I’m happy for U. 🌸❤❤🌸❤❤🌸❤❤🌸❤❤🌸
A week for me, this is rough 😢
@@Rhondi_YeahItsMe I’m now at 6 months, never thought I could do it. Stay strong and stay in this community they’ll help you too. Big hugs 🫂❤️
@@tamaramarie1 thank you!❤️
Oh anger. I am the reactive abuser. When married to the passive aggressive covert narcissist I raged and swore and ranted and yelled. My behavior was horrendous. I was soooo ashamed. He drove me absolutely crazy. Happy joyous and free since June 2017 with not one angry day. Some moments but nothing longer!!!! I will always be ashamed of my seriously bad reactions
Don't be so hard on yourself. Getting angry when you are the target of constant passive-agressiveness (= baiting!) is a perfectly normal reaction. Sane even. It probably saved you.
And maybe ( maybe...) you could have had more self controle in some situations. But recognizing that fact should not be a source of eternal shame. You tried with this person. You can take pride in the efforts you made and the self awareness you've gained. And be excited about using the lessons in life ahead. Let go of the shame. Knowing you don't want to feel and act that way again is enough.
Wow. I'm suddenly understanding why I'm so calm out of relationship, when I was always so enraged in it, although my partner appearantly never did something wrong... Thanks a lot!
@@dansasap Sweetly and Truly explained.THANK YOU.
Same here!
Yup right there with you. I feel so bad my kids witnessed my frustrated rage. I realize now he kept me so unnerved with his coldness neglect contempt breadcrumb style I was always simmering asking myself what's wrong. I had no idea he was a narcissist because i thought they were only grandiose. Of course it made me look crazy which he told all and presented himself the suffering saint.
3:30 normal anger in people doesn’t scare me or get freeze / flight response activated. But narcissistic or other pathologically negative people’s anger does!
If people are conscously and rightfully angry, it’s different experience to witness it. But mentally disturbed people’s unjustified and misplaced rage is very scary to me. I get a bad freeze response. 😢
Yeah that's a good way to put it. Their anger is threatening and has you on edge. Plus it always seems disproportionate!
the key element that makes it narcissism is evil intention.
(evil: being strong by making others weak)
True
Dealing with my sister now that reached out to me after I've gone no contact. Let's just say, there's a reason why I went none contact. Nothing but gas lighting.
😮
Don't go back to that!!!
My narcsister is standing on her head trying to get a confrontation from me. No contact is working for me and against her. They are aware of this and their goal in life is to create a trap for us to return to the vicious cycle.
Remember; when we are living our lives? The narcissist is obsessing over us. I mean...every waking moment they are plotting our demise. THAT'S why they seem light-years ahead of us in scheming and scamming us: it's because THEY ARE!!!
We are theirs in their sick worlds. And they'll jump the ocean to get us back under their rule.
Good luck to you!!! I thoroughly understand the sister angle.
I don’t like to gossip, I also don’t like talking about others.
So I talk about myself or things that happened to me or things I learned about.
I also was told by a narcissistic person that I need to stop talking about my narcissistic sister, and focus on myself.
Then that same person, told me that I talk too much about myself.
I feel like I can’t do anything right.
My narcissistic ex was the same way. I would be trying to explain how hurtful his behavior was using “I” statements and he said I was so self-centered I couldn’t get through a sentence without making it about myself. It’s all part of the gaslighting.
Seen, cherished, and valued = Successful relationships
❤Love that
Thank you Dr. Ramani
After all I've been through, these things don't seem possible to find in a partner. Just seems over the top impossible.
I love the " I'm sorry" (pause here)" I can't do anything right." 15 minutes later, well, I said I was sorry. Give it up, you can not win or even break even.
I've had some success saying "Real apologies require amends. If there are no amends then what you're doing right now is not really an apology ." You may get some additional sputtering, but the gaslighting in the moment usually stops
Ex husband was a pro at future faking. It was always transactional - an empty promise to give something back in the future, in exchange for something he gets NOW.
Dr. Ramani, you and my Dad share the same birthday....He was a kind and gentle man. My mother was the narcissist. She was a terror to live with.
so was living with my mom and my dad
I think it’s important to add that gaslighting isn’t “denying my reality”, it’s “denying reality”. If I’m objectively deluded in my reality, I welcome someone skilfully challenging on my skewed perception of reality.
Bread crumbing...
Never again! I am worthy
When I left him the first time he stopped doing all the things I had huge problems with. Then promised they would never happen again and he love bombed me back. After 6 weeks all the old things crept back in along with abuse and a lot more control. So I eventually left for good, and I have learned that he has stopped all those things again. He was obviously just doing all those troublesome things to show who was boss, and to control me. He is currently under a restraining order until January 2025....and he is 85....they never give up!!! Thank you Dr Ramani for helping me heal.
The best thing when baited is no contact. I did that with mother. Covert narc to the max.
I do not play the game anymore.
My covert narcissist is addicted to, "If only you, then we..." ,and when I finally Heard that, I started saying, first you, then me. I then stop listening and walk away. I feel way better since I figured that out.
Thanks😊
Knew I was rare! I think I’m charismatic, nice, open minded, loving, sensitive, driven, empathic, and love myself and am authentic and take big risks with being honest about myself and stand alone.
You are the BEST Dr. Ramani!!
✨✨An angel doing Gods work.✨✨
I wish I saw your channel many years ago- it would have saved me so much undue heart ache and duress.
Thank you so so much🙏🌺
you are truly making a profound difference with all of your education, awareness and wisdom when it comes to these kinds of people.
Amazing work and so entirely self empowering!!
God bless you my dear!!!!!🌻🦋✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
I agree she is the best at explaining this...I wish I had her 40 years ago too... many have a difficult time navigating narcissism... She will definitely inspire many in the future.
She's a blessing💖💖💖
RE future faking: my guy did not promise me things per se. It was more indirect than that. So, for example, early in the relationship, he said “It’s a shame you don’t want children; otherwise you’d be perfect.” And I said, “Who says I don’t want children?” And he said “You do want children? Then you are perfect!” We became “boyfriends.” Lived together. Planned on engagement & marriage. A few years later, his father and his older brother had a falling out. It was ugly. My guy said “If that’s what it’s like to have adult children then I’m not having children.” I let it slide because he was obviously very upset about the current family situation. I thought it was merely something he was saying in the heat of the moment But we never spoke about having children again, and we never did have children. That’s actually a good thing because I’m sure we would have fucked them up royally. But looking back, that seems like a future fake to me.
I would say that outbursts of anger, especially so intense they cause fear and anxiety in others, can also be due to borderline traits or the entire disorder. It's a painful condition. I'd say as one who suffers from traits, the difference is the narcissist doesn't care and is fine with exploding, but I hated it, wanted to change, and did.
Bless You!!
To add- when i learned the DARVO formula, i recognized that i had done that before. It felt like more of a borderline PD symptom. When i learned what it was, i studied the "D" extensively. My family never validated emotions, so i never really had a chance to learn. Of course i value connection with others above all else, after dealing with my family of origin for decades. Im starved of connection. I would never want to invalidate someone, and i learned to do better, once i recognized it. Learning DARVO inside and out really pushed me into understanding what makes a behavior toxic vs healthy, which was never laid out for me clearly before. I was very ashamed to recognize that i had unintentionally used the formula, but being willing to examine and learn leveled me up, in the specific way i had been looking for, for years. Definitely worth facing the shame.
Same for me.
And on top of that, I would add...
Recently I've had family members use those types of informations about manipulation and narcissism and other PDs, to bait or deflect or gaslight me so much, to make me out as the tyrant and reassure themselves of their own victimhood, it is maddening and it is narcissistic cynism, cruelty and irony pushed to the next level.
I am now trying to use any information I get on psychology and psychiatry for the one and only purpose of bettering myself and my own behavior.
Obviously awareness of other people is essential for your own decision making. But anyone who stops at diagnosing other people's faults is dangerous. I'm sure they were terribly hurt. But that's life. For everyone. Let it go.
We ALL have faults and defense mechanisms. What says a lot more about a person is... how do they react when they are made aware of theirs?
@@dansasap anyone who wants to connect with warmth and compassion, won't make it impossible to do so. It is so frustrating and heartbreaking when it's family, though!!
Another great resource regarding narcissistic systems (with a focus on moving forward/healing/ not being caught up in their drama) is TH-cam channel "Tim Fletcher." I highly recommend his Friday night lectures if you have any family dynamics that are frustrating or dysfunctional. His lecture style can be dry (he speaks to a live audience weekly, that's the majority of content), but the information is extremely rich!!
Seeing the cat just stay calm on your lap is relaxing somehow. That and your calm voice, despite the hurtful topics.
The key component here is: critical thinking about narcissistic/non-narcisstic. This requires work. And listening, and processing.
Masters at their game. Everything you say.
I have an idea for your next video! My narcissistic ex always used to tell me, "I'm not like this with anyone else". "You make me like this". Something in me believes this is true. Can you do a video exploring whether the 'narcissist' only emerges in a triggering relationship and perhaps they're fine with everyone else?
I don’t believe it.
I was always most not myself around those narcs.
I saw a video about them surrounding themselves with ‘yes people’ or other narcissistic people not ones that would call them out.. but my ex said the same things to me
‘I’ve never heard that before!’
‘Never had these issues with my exes’
‘You make me drink’
‘My friends wives don’t act like this, they understand men’
@@hjio3995 Oh. That's so eye-opening. I've heard half of these lines before!
Oh man!! My ex did this to me all the time too.
December 24th here! I think you tackle this topic with grace and absolute understanding because as a Capricorn you've done exhaustive research and put a trillion thoughts into it😂❤❤❤
I watch your videos as often as I can because even though I do therapy and I know what my diagnosis is NOT, (I got called the narcissist every time I said anything was 'off' in their behavior), still I came to a point where I doubt my mind a lot. I have recordings, texts and constantly feel the need to check them just to make sure. Your videos are extremely helpful Dr. Ramani. Thank YOU!
Thank you so much for this, this was absolutely amazing, educational, and empowering!❤
I love the way you explain things. Especially love the “human unicorn “ ❤
I hadn’t heard about baiting before, but it explains a lot in my relationship that just ended. I still don’t understand his point of trying to pick fights, but they always seemed to be at times he was trying to destroy things. When I came to visit him in his country the first time, when I was about to go visit him the second time, when he ruined that trip and I was trying to find another time for us to see each other, when we reached the 6 month anniversary of our relationship. He came up with the most bizarre comments then made it sound like it was me who caused the problems.
I've listened to your videos for hours & hours and the 1st and most important thing for me would be to learn how to repress rumination. I'm kind of neurotic and need advice on this : how to stop the anger from overwhelming me every time I think about my narcissitic mother. She always had an oedipal complex and uses me as her confident/psychologist since she doesn't get that from my father. Whenever I visit them, she's like a kid who wants to show me all her toys, only she does that with every little thing that's happened to her between my visits. It's like : "Finally my best friend is here! I need to tell this person everything!" The catch is, I'm not interested and found out how much of a weight I was with one of my so-called "friend" 20 years ago. At least I know now why he avoided me sometimes. The good part is I learned to stop doing it (sharing my thoughts on every little thing thinking people were always interested).
Narcissistic family members are selfish. Only their problems and what is going on with them are important. You have to listen to their ...
This video is very important! There is much misinformation around. Thank you for making it really clear. NPD is all about the lack of empathy, lack of goodness and lack of love and their destructive defence behaviour.
Your videos have been lifesaving for me throughout my current situation while I recover from narcissistic abuse & trying to break an intense trauma bond. You are amazing & so intelligent- i felt an immediate connection with you. Tonight while watching this video I learned that we share the same birthday!! Blew my mind honestly, definitely makes sense ♑️💗
I think one of the worst is when the Narc manipulated the partner to make the child apologize when they call the Narc out and refuse to listen to what’s being said.
This is like a revelation, looking backwards. Apparently I knew a narcissist in college. Thanks for the clarity. :)
VERY GOOD YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO EXPLAIN, AND AGAIN I EXPERIENCE WHAT I THOUGHT THE QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT IS WHAT , AND Y.T. COMES WITH THIS VIDEO WITH YOU, EXPLAINING, THSNK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR INTENSIVE WORK TRYING TO HELP US AS I MAY SAY IT IN THESE WORDS. I AM HAPPY AND THANKFULL TO LET'S SAY MEET YOU AND DR. LES, LATER I SAWA PICTURE OF A VIDEO WHERE YOU AND HE HAVE HAD A TALK TOGETHER.
The number one manipulation is to call others "narcissists".
Dr. Ramani knows her stuff, and has been educating us for years and years. Keep in mind these types of people carry with them, ALL the time, every ounce of the dysfunction of which she speaks. It never leaves them, and if they’ve bestowed upon you the damage they can, then you have every right to protect your space. The best thing you can do for yourself is to see the truth in front of you, and no longer try to excuse their behavior. “They’ve had a bad day; they’re tired,” are examples of that. Please stay strong and keep your value in the forefront of your mind.
I think it's the same kind of "love" that junior high kids feel when they're dating: they just don't know how deep love can actually be, so it's love as they know it. But some are just saying it because they think they should.
29 old and I am at the point where I want to go no contact with my narcissistic mom, I haven't knew about this condition until I found this channel, I am a grown man and always considered myself emotionally stable but going through this videos and comments are eye opening. My mom is gaslighting me and turns everyone against me and I am trying to prove everyone that it's a manipulation, like all others before. My family always laughed when I brought this problem and quickly changed topics, until now I had never seen all this stories and I feel so connected and I understand how badly I need someone to talk about it. I have never felt so connected, it's like reading through my own life.
I am at the point where I get a lot of gaslighting and manipulation through my family and I feel like I need to talk to some one that understands me and can give an advice. I understand I should go no contact regardless, it is very hard, until now I thought I love her, now I am questioning if it's just me being fooled with guild into loving her. I am questioning a lot of stuff right now.
If anyone has recommendation for a proffesional that can help me online about this topic please leave a recommendation.
Dr. Ramani offers a survivor support program with a workbook…look through her channel to find it. I would recommend a therapist for 1:1 work also but don’t know of one who is experienced helping a survivor of narcissism specifically. I think it is really important your therapist has niche training in this. I have experienced reputable therapists who helped me in other ways, but were not trained (enough) about this personality style, did not even recognize it, and made the situation worse by coaching me to improve the relationship the same way they would with a normal, well-meaning person. Understandably, a survivor is very vulnerable…an (otherwise good) therapist can prevent or prolong your journey to healing. I could’ve severed my ties with the narcissist much sooner, and moved on with less scars and more coping tools. I would search for narc survivor specialists…if that exists! ❤
Try the surviving narcissism channel with dr. Les carter. I can't afford therapy but that channel has helped me ✌
Thanks for all the good work.
Dr. Ramani you have helped me so much. How you have taken these issues and break them down with examples to make us aware is extraordinary. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Is "narcissistic shame" not just guilt? Like maybe they have such a unhealthy relationship with guilt that they deny it outright.
Because guilt is one of those feelings that feels bad, but we have to feel it, because it's our conscience telling us that we did something bad. And guilt helps us feel bad about our negative actions.
Could it be that they can't sit with guilt, because it's a "bad" feeling, and that's why they're so callous with the way they treat people? Because they're suppressing ever feeling any guilt?
That would describe my mother. Problem is in their efforts to avoid the guilt/shame, they shove it onto us. I find you cannot get close to these people because they push every negative emotion they feel onto me and my mother psychologically pushes me away to avoid any negative feelings in herself, to the point of complete neglect. She did it when I was a child and still does it now. When I struggle she doesn't want to know, when she struggles she passes it on to me. Both my parents have and do, do this. I think you may have something with this theory. They can't ever own their own stuff
The smear campaign in my case went on by my father all my life … total narcissist
Toxic toxic toxic. The triangulation. All of it.
And what do we do when listening to this everyday helps us understand but also makes us very sad
I am the mother of a narssistic son, as a child he could be difficult at times and did have some transition issues,, it wasnt until he was grown in his 20s that the narcisim manifested, first with his wife, now ex, then with me. Since that time, about 14 yrs, I've been through therapy, accepted for the most part that it was not my fault, I still spend hours wondering if I could have done things differently and he would have been fine so it really is my fault. Which then makes me wonder if he wasn't right and that I'm the narcist because I'm making it about something I could have done...... on and on it goes. When it's your child, that you love so much, does it ever end .....
Also December 30th. No wonder I like your channel 🤣. Seriously though, thank you for your work, it has been great therapy.
Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash
@EmilioYepez7 well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer
@EmilioYepez7 her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster
you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.
Maybe if both are trying,
and congratulations if it’s working for you,
otherwise it’s just one sided long suffering and endless repetition of bad behaviour and forgiving and getting hurt all over again.
Vicious circle of abuse.
So helpful thank you Dr. Ramani
Dr. Ramani's birthday is the same as the narc in my life...talk about opposites! 😂
Wish I could just sit down with Dr. Ramani and have a one on one session!
The struggle I have. Discernment. It helps if I just stay in the moment and think about it later. Love bombing, future faking, gas lighting, baiting towards the end, bread crumbing is a toss up. Although she did converse at first and eventually told me she just ignores what I say. But then occasionally she would talk about things she knew I would want to talk about and then proceed to ignore me.
Actually the sex was clear bread crumbing, with a heavy mix of future faking and also gas lighting all in one.
50:36 living with “breadcrumbs “ is extremely painful. Knowing that the person that you love not only doesn’t love you but that she is only staying for me to finance her lifestyle and keep her house. She tried a divorce but found out that she would lose the house and most of my income. Leaving is not an option because she has our daughter convinced that all is my fault. If I leave my daughter will cut off communication. It’s a very difficult life.
Sending you strength and hugs. 🤗
I loved this thank you dr Ramani 🩵🦋
It's hard to leave because not only are these tactics really well thought-out, but it isn't something you can see through right away because narcissists who keep you like that for so long usually come from a very important relationship to you. A parent, a mother, a father, when it's these types of relationships it's harder than a partner. At least from what I've experienced. It's simpler to comprehend what's going on when it is a friend or a lover/partner. But regardless where it comes from it wounds you for life. It cuts through your soul and healing takes as longer than the abuse itself.
I’m a Capricorn- Jan 12! Super determined and goal oriented, which is why I survived my evil Narcissistic “husband” soon to be dust. 🙌🏼
Currently fighting off his side chicks who are helping him retaliate against me by filing Injunction against harassment… the audacity. But the best part is: stupid attracts stupid and so they’re lying under oath and they are about to find out.
Mine is a Capricorn Jan 6th and the biggest narcissist lve ever know
@@51shoty his mother is Jan 10th and is the Cult leader in their narcissistic triangle! Mother, daughter, son
I’ve been grappling about whether I’m a narcissist. I wish there was a quiz to take that would help. Rural areas prove to be difficult to find a therapist. I know I spend a lot of time ruminating and questioning myself, but I refuse to apologize for some things that I don’t feel was wrong. This is a switch because I’m usually the first to apologize for things that are not my fault. Apparently I hurt someone’s feelings when trying to get something done…if I apologize, I feel that it will fuel the manipulation, but I still don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings at the same time. Idk, I’m too old for this stuff. I don’t know right from left anymore
Another thing in regards to the Capricorn thing, people will assume it is narcissism.... I'm autistic... because of my emotional needs and mental needs on top of the trauma from being in a narcissistic family and relationships, people try to argue with me that I'm narcissistic and I've done research out the wazoo because I had no intention or desire to be that person only to find out that in my research a lot of autistic adults get written off as narcissistic selfish assholes. When in reality people just get defensive and take things personally because we can't life the same as everybody else. But no one will take the time to understand us. My problem is I'm super empathic but I only recognize certain emotions. So because I can't empathize with everybody I'm suddenly a narcissist... In the sad reality is most of those people are actually the ones who are narcissistic.
They will make you on such a state where you become addicted to stress and you will even get may thoughts of whether it's worth to live anymore or not.
My husband future fakes me about something as simple as going out for breakfast. I can't even tell you how many times he's said "we will go get some breakfast and then __________". Never happens. I never count on it anymore.
Can you make a video about how narcissistic folks make us feel like narcissists?
I have a narc in my family of origin. The community has always reflected to me that i am kind, and i am often told to ask for help more often. In relationships, i feel like i am being unkind, and i am discouraged from asking anything. The reflection i get from my family and romantic interests has been what i trusted in the past, and i can see how that undermined my wellbeing. How can we be more loyal to ourselves than to someone who wants to get into virtue signaling? I used to be easily guilt tripped. Now i see it and i dont catch it, but the other ends up thinking i have bought in to their narrative, just because i know when to not get into it. Just because i wont engage in a debate about my reality, they wrongly behave as if i have agreed with them. One waited for an apology after gaslighting, they waited for well over a week before realizing that they were on a separate page entirely.
How can i make it clear that their narrative is not mine, without lowering myself into being abrasive and demeaning? I trust my body now, which is a huge help. Any good one liners, like "i respect your right to blah nlah blah AND i still see something different," something prewritten that wont induce a volcano?
Thank you!! We appreciate your time and help❤
I love my self and am empathic and selfaware.
Haha, I love that you mentioned you are a capricorn!
By the way guys, keep you head up! What I have found out about the narcissists is that they are afraid of people with a big mouth that and who don't care about what other people are saying or if they look bad in certain situations. And, because they are aftraid of this type of people, the stay quite and they don't attack them. That's why I am saying that it is very important to keep your power and your emotions to you and be responsible just for you and not for them. Fear= anxiety. Do you really want thet for your whole life? They are not on top of you, they are below you and they have to be treated exactly how the deserve. If a child is doing something wrong, then they are put in their place, they are corected, but not the narcissist. Why is that?
Because a child cand have a bad influence over you, or in that situation where you are, but a narcissist can harm you and that is why you give them the ,, special tratament"? That is saying a lot about people who behave this way. I think it is healty to give more special tratament to the children, have more pacience with them ,explain, etc. A narcisist doesn't deserve that, a child does. And most important ,, your own protection" against the rage and bad words, lies, manipulation it is just in you imagination. Sooner or later they will atack you. Your soul it is not safe around them it doesn't matter what you do. So, stop doing it and let them go. Live your life, protect your children, and don't give them the importance that they do not deserve. I am a person who had to deal with a lot of narcissist my whole life, but the big and most important lesson that made me reach the conclusions that I told above came from a malignant narcissist who was set to distroy my name, reputation, business, a had flying monkies over my head, and all the menue included. And this situation with the malignant narcissist actually took me to a point where a couldn't take it anymore and actually from this situation I have found out that I have been on my knees all my life. Because of all the hurt that he inflicted on me, I took the decision to stand up and fight for my life, for my happiness and took me to the point where I realized my own value. So, for me, dealing with this type of malignant narcissit save my self esteem and my life, and found out that I have real courage to stand by myself, and it didn't actually matter if the narcissit turned people against me. Why to keep those people in your life if they can be so easily turned against you. It means that they don't kown you and they do not care about you. Wish them a happy trip together with the narcissist. Another positive thing that the narcissist is doing for free for you- taking from your life all the easily manipulated, fake friends, etc from your life. At that time, for me was extramly painful, but now...I say- thank you! Enjoy you trip!
The baiting was so 100% true!!!!!
I don’t think I was love bombed. Could it be because my guy was covert / neglectful? He was charming, charismatic, and displayed the intellect & intelligence that I was seeking in a partner.
Interesting. I know someone who often rules conversations, going on about themselves or others. I keep my distance because they've constantly hurt me. Recently they read an article on a personality disorder and decided I have it. I don't meet the criteria for it. Seemed to try to convince me I have it.
I don't think they're a narcissist, but they're definitely not safe for me. I'm concerned what or who else they're doing that to. Also wish others could see how icky it is. But it's not happening to them... yet.
My first husband was a 1st Jan birthday but had ZERO ambition. It didn’t bother me but riled/riles my (forces) father forever!
All the promised things that never happened.
I didn't know about future faking.
But I lived with it.
Now my life is messed up, and his unaffected thanks to all his future faking.
Re: Anger--I'd appreciate a video about emotional expression in different PDs. In particular, I find it can sometimes be tricky to tell when someone's emotional display is calculated and manipulated vs. spontaneous and authentic, and when someone is trying to control or micromanage people out of fear or losing control or fear of losing the relationship, vs. exerting control out of a sense of pure ego.
Re: Lovebombing--Question: Can fawning be part of a narcissist's arsenal of tricks?
I recently encountered a rather odd person who fawned and apologized profusely for a mistake they'd made, heaped lavish praise on the other people in the conversation, and breathlessly offered to make amends for the mistake with assorted grand, melodramatic, excessive, sometimes-vaguely-self-punishing gestures, but who showed visible anger and indignation when someone would interrupt or redirect them when they started to blather or go off-topic, slid in a few remarks that struck me as passive-aggressive and sneaky, made tons of excuses about why they couldn't just address one specific problem behavior that was the *actual* issue, and blathered on/humblebragged about the assorted "service" and "helping" roles they'd served in throughout their life. Maybe they weren't a narcissist, but something about them absolutely struck me as "off" and "sus."
Hi Dr Ramani and everyone. It's been years since I've been away from him, but you never forget. He was very good at his job, which I respected, and he was loyal to his boss. To be honest, that was it!! He was GREEDY, Conceited, and SPOILED! Believe me, i have given this a lot of thought, and he was a full blown narcissist!
Love bombing happened a little different and maybe because he was a covert, he spent time emotionally connecting to me and lying about his interests so they match mine. He laid in wait and manipulated me. This doesn’t seem fast but it developed a deep connection and bond and he had so many same interests. A connection that was emotional and not sexual as I wasn’t really interested at first. As I have sorted out all the lies that have come to realize that in our early 20’s all the things I was interested in and that we would stay up all night talking about, he was indeed not. They slowly disappeared and as I have been healing I have realized that these were disingenuous interests and after 26 years you do not remember especially when the abuse escalates.
I have learned so much from Dr Ramani. I now know what my daughters 3rd boyfriend IS. I wish I knew this information when I became his target for his rage, after he moved into my daughters home when she was 3 months pregnant, where I lived in with her.I have always been aware she is a people pleaser and can be easily lead. Which is ok if a person is trust worthy. Why I could lead her to buying a home a week before her 22 nd birthday.. she had the. F
Yea future faking is what I have experienced from my ex narc. Only if I have known, my decision would have been made better for him. Too sad not many people are aware of this narcissistic personality.
Thank you do much! Perhaps you covered this, but what about high conflict personalities? Are they usually narcissistic?
For me love bombing is when they getting you something after rage,anger,insults and manipulation.
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!👍👍👍❤❤❤
I had an intrinsic feeling 🎉 for a fellow Capricorn (12/31)
One thing I would add is the never personal infos sharing from narcissists, in my work it happens to have a mixed of truly just high energy and big space taking personalities as singers and will be singers who are (we are) a bit as generous dragons who are fantastic doing their show flying in the sky and then learning than on earth we have to learn how to be appropriately not as in the sky and those being just narcissists with the pretension of the hype attached to good singing. Those last never get meaningful while singing but especially in daily little organisation/just life things never never never say or share something about them. To me now it is a bit of a red flag.
I hope we are more than three because i love myself and i think i m empathic .
7 years woth him were the best and worst time simultaneously😢. I hate and miss him 😞 always tried to not see his bad sides but he was to abusive and good times became less 😢😢
I think we need video on what normal empathy and compassion looks like. Asking for a friend…….
My dad is BPD + fluctuating with (manic) delirium / vulnerable narc / normal (short) episodes. He shifts fast! His mother was narc and he married a narc (my mom). He used to dream aloud about big boob women when in delirium phase. Very Freudian! ”The narcissistic wound”…
My narc mom’s always taken his delirium blabbering and frustration seriously. Which is weird. She fights back like she’d get her dignity back that way, not by kicking him out. She’s grandiose narc but has very vulnerable ego. I was 4 years when I realized there’s something wrong in her to fight back and respond to really ridiculous slurs by my father, instead of just leaving him and filing for divorce. She can’t think rationally if my father ridicules him. Even if he’d do it quite lovingly and in a totally silly way. (Not happening anymore). Her rage is out and it quickly escalates into a toxic fight.
The cyclical / episodical personality of my father has been very very challengeing. But I also think no one can survive the vicinity of my mom having sanity for long. The combo of them is been a huge and heavy mess. I’ve tried to escape them for decades but they creates new more intense fights if I go too far.
I lived alone with my mom for some time when I was young. Her reality denying narcissism alone was so demanding I used to smoke cigarettes like crazy, just like my father. I also had to get drunk weekly with my friends. I wanted to relax and laugh after enduring listening that manic grandiose narc for a week.
QUESTION: Dr. Ramani, can someone be an opportunistic narcissist? That is, can their narcissism come out only when they're with someone who is unaware or submissive or will put up with it? Or when firm boundaries seem to curb it?
Lying for no apparent reason constantly not lying out of fear.
And someone who lacks accountability who refuses to take responsibility. I don’t know of an antagonist to that one.
Cap nation baby! 💯🙌🏾
Example of baiting:
Sibling's partner, knowing a certain oppression is a touchy topic for you, brings up a controversial aspect of that topic with you and another family member who is likely to express opinions that will upset you (the goal is to provoke a fight or for you to dysregulate/cause chaos and conflict between you and one or more family members).
How about this topic: How to mentally leave your narcissist when you can’t physically leave. I can’t leave.
Dr. Ramani calls it "Going Grey Rock."
Brilliant
You’re a Capricorn too💞 Of course!
Not so easy to walk and leave the crumbs for birdies.
I love the way your cat watches you
To me, I was gaslighted by my exhusband and his mother. It added up to, I didn't see what I saw because it never happened, I didn't know what I knew because it never happened and I didn't hear what I heard because they never said it and at one point, he said my father was not my father because a private detective was hired and moms former boyfriend had 5 girls that looked just like me. Later, he said that he and his mother just tried to drive me crazy and that's why he said that. He and his mother wanted me to lose it, using a former hospitalization again me for depression (my mom was a narcissist) and they wanted me to lose it so he could divorce me and get custody of our sons and they could raise them and she was my competition where I felt like the mistress or other woman. There was so much gaslighting in my marriage that I am very sensitive to gaslighting in future relationships and I call it out.
The breadcrumbing. I accepted his little crumbs of time, attention, etc because I had very little self worth and just wanted him to love me. So I was ok with ( not happy, but ok with ) an hour here and there.
Then, 9 years in he started spending time with an ex from 20 years prior and told me about all the things they did together, in public for hours, entire evenings. But they weren't and aren't physically intimate.
So, then ...he actually started offering me the " opportunity" to spend time with him too -- but secretly and only for sex & other one- sided sexual acts ( for him, not me.) And finally, finally I was able to realize my dignity & self respect were vitally important to my well- being. And I said
No. No thanks. Let her do it.
37:17 😮 this is making so much sense
Yeah I have dealt with all that too
Thenk you so march
Dr. Ramani I'm sorry but I do love myself