4 devious TACTICS narcissists use against you
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No one can hate you more than a narcissist who used to tell you "I LOVE YOU "
I think he said I hate you more than I love you honestly.
So true!
Wow, that is so right.
Said he didn't hate me, but all the contempt he poured out sure had me fooled. 😂
@@cc1k435Exactly, it’s what they do not what they say that tells you how they feel.
Narcissist cons you by love bombing only to trap you as their own personal punching bag. It’s the worst kind of abuse.
It’s a really sick thing to wrap your mind around.
Damn right🎉
Well said
I love how they think not talking to you is a punishment. News flash- it's actually wonderful not to have to deal with them .
So true!
About the silent treatment, you have to watch out if you ignore it. Sometimes it triggers rage in the narcissist. But most everything triggers rage in them, because narcissists are over grown toddlers.
Agree. There is a fine line. You have to say just enough words, so they think you are not ignoring them. I know that game! LOL
You are so right. What a horrible game the narcissist plays.
@@twovirginiacats3753I notice that I can be completely emotionally distant but as long as he hears me give him 2 or 3 word answers, he's content.
He doesn't care if I seem to be on another planet, or that im more distant, or even just feeling sad. Just as long as I acknowledge him and agree and follow with everything about the direction we take with every decision he makes. He's knows when I'm feeling down, and he chooses to never ask if I'm okay. But when I'm actually in a good mood, he cares all of a sudden and THEN he asks if I'm okay even when I'm happy in the moment. And when I'm in a good mood HE starts to act like the distant one who seems off and it seems to set him in a bad mood. Until he's horny and ready to pressure sex onto me again.
@@twovirginiacats3753yep. You said it. Walked those damned eggshells for too many years.
'Over-grown toddlers', nice description
Their hatred is their fuel that keeps us suffering all the time. Don't fool yourself with their blame shifting, gas lighting and silent treatment. They are monsters.
Dealing with narcisistic people is one of the most difficult things there is in life. Without your help and advice, I would be totally in the dark. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving some light! 😊
@joeybarszcz7717 So true! I guess because narcisists are not like normal people who like things to be good and who are reasonable! It's truly a waist of energy and life happiness to have to deal with them..
Me Too!
I concur mate!.
Wish I had known about this 40 years ago. We were married 11 years, after the divorce he became my stalker and #1 nightmare until the day he died in 1996. The damage he caused has had a domino effect that is still in motion. Narcissism has long feelers. Narcissist belong on an island all to themselves and leave the rest of us alone. Narcissists are horrible people. Worst thing of all is that they don't care how much damage they cause as long as it benefits them.
You, Dr. Carter! Thanks!
I got a very "special" silent treatment:
I couldn't talk to him in the morning, because he didn't like talking in the morning.
I couldn't talk to him when he got home because he had a rough day (practically every day) and was so stressed that he didn't want to talk to anyone.
If I insisted on talking to him at those times, invariably, we would fight and it was always my fault, because I insisted on talking to him at one of those times.
I could only speak to him when asked.
Of course, I could talk to him when there were people visiting us or when we were at a party or with friends.
This “relationship” lasted almost 18 years.
Eventually, I began to love the silent treatment, it was a nice break from verbal abuse. 😢
I assure all I am safe from all toxicity these days! Thank you Dr. Ramani and many other strangers who’ve been my support on this journey!
Growing up the silent treatment was brutal. I would clean & be the perfect daughter until my mother spoke like nothing happened. What a selfish way to be raised. 😢
I hear you. I did the same. And if I forgot made a mistake of ONE tiny thing on her list, she would fly into a rage and the abuse would start. 😢 The pressure was unbearable.
Same here…I was sent to my room and told to stay there until I was told to do otherwise…now I’m a hermit and don’t socialize much….as a preteen I’d send myself to my room and stay there to avoid my siblings and my mother and as I got older my dad…out of sight out of mind! Lol…
@w8what575 growing up with people incapable of providing a safe environment to communicate, sucks! Wishing adults would grow up is maddening.
Found my zen as a teen learning meditation for multiple reasons. But I got so good at it I could go into a trance and not react and both parents would lose their shit screaming and I wouldn't move, react, they couldn't understand not getting their supply of me eventually fighting back verbally, getting me all twisted out of frustration anger and raging back. They lost control, and I learned how to disassociate. Which wasn't ideal, and causes more emotional dysregulation in the converse way, not acknowledging my feelings or having an outlet besides daydreaming. They couldn't handle not roping me into their screaming and yelling, and if I reacted they'd say see, you're crazy. Futsal! Seeing their behaviors were Nucking Futs! 😅
@@w8what575😳 Exactly! I did same thing! Being invisible, though is a miserable childhood too, is better than being targeted and scapegoated. 😕😑
Yeah they can forget everything they said in an instant if it’s useful for them and it always is.
Luckily mothers can’t bury themselves though so she will reap
Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I now view my narcissistic spouses silent treatment episodes as a well-deserved break from the daily hate and criticism that normally spews out of his mouth. I just go on about my day without letting it bother me.
Other than the stomping around the house with the ugliest scowl he does!
I view it as a mini vaca.
@@coraduncan6639 Exactly!
Yeah I actually like it now I think it’s funny because I don’t care if he wants to play games like not talking to me . It used to hurt this is one of the first things he did to me I didn’t know what was going on .
Yikes! That sounds awful to have to consider no communication the positive in a relationship. I remember that sense of relief.
I’ve gone from crying how crippling silence is to silence is golden and a blessing
My husband threw a three day tantrum when I wouldn’t pay his legal bills against a court case against his ex. It was the first time I’d experienced his ‘ silent treatment’ and saw it for exactly what it was. Door slams, cupboard slamming, stomping and walking out of rooms because I wouldn’t give him what he demanded. It gave me insight into his emotional landscape and was the first of many many disregulated episodes.
5 Devious Tactics Narcissists Use
00:26 - The Silent Treatment
11:54 - Blame-Shifting & Gaslighting
19:38 - Smear Campaigns
26:26 - Financial Control
36:56 - Public Silencing
Thank you for the timestamps ⏲ It's so helpful.
Thank you for the timeline!
He blamed ME for his physical abuse to me that ended up with me being in the ER for 4 hours.
Why? " Because if you hadn't made me so mad I wouldn't have HAD TO do that. Don't you know how full of anger I am??!! " I just looked at him and said " Yes. I am the puppet master who pulls the strings and makes you ( a 43 yr old man ) behave a certain way..."
Then I rolled my eyes and walked away.
I hope you are safe now and healing.
I needed this comment. I'm expecting him to pull that same scenario. I decided to divorce him and am waiting for him to turn that incident around to my fault. Because he will do that. I've given pictures of the bruises to my attorney to use when he needs to. It is evidence of assult and battery in my state.
The worst is when you have a high stakes event or project and you leave them out of it knowing they will sabotage it, but they cannot accept being left out. They force themselves into your high stakes event or project-despite you very clearly telling them repeatedly to back off!
Better not to tell them something important is in the plans. The narcissist RUINS EVERYTHING as much as they can.
Agreed!!
I got kicked out of the car 5 hours away from home on the side of the interstate he never responded my calls my messages and blocked me and i had to fly home that evening only because i was telling him how i felt that he is cheating, he blamed me of talking about my feelings,”
If you wouldn’t say this or that you would’ve get home safe with me” gladly i am 5 months no contact and this is the best decision I’ve ever made thanks to you Dr.Ramani♥️
Omg! I'm so glad you're safe and away from this abuser now! 🙏🌞
I am happy for you, I hope someday I can also be like you
@@populardiamond4288belive me it’s hard i went trough erupted ectopic pregnancy alone he blocked me when he found out i lost our baby and i almost lost my life, that’s all i needed to understand that he doesn’t care about me, and the moment you understand you deserve better you will make this step just don’t accept nothing he does to you do not let him brake your reality 💕
He sounds awful.
In my early marrsiage, I would naively ask "is something wrong?" He would respond " did I say something is wrong? ". Most of the time, I had no idea what my "crime" was. This way, he could keep it going for weeks.
The Silent Treatment......peace, quiet, serenity. I have learned to enjoy this and see it as party time and dance around the house. It irks the narcissist to no end.😅
Blaming his behavior on how me or my daughter disrespects him. Latest is I gave permission for a friend to spend the night without ASKING him 1st. MY 17Yr old and the house I had long before him which he pays 0 bills
The best thing to do with silent treatment is the same thing you do with anything else from the narcissist, Grey wall it: behave as if nothing is happening at all; don’t react to it just as you wouldn’t react to anything else they do.
I have tried to do this I break after about 2 days of silence. But I have tried to not respond to the abuse. I will keep trying.
I hate the silent treatment. it feels like abandonment, and it hurts tremendously.
Fact: A narcissist just wants to use you for their own personal gain. If you are not willing, they will block you, delete your number, and move on to the next potential victim
Objective: One person is always seeking friendship, companionship, and a relationship, while the other is just trying to see what they can get
this happened to me in a formal social situation in a group of 10 people the narcissist who had not seen me in years stated to the group “you know your family thought you wouldn’t amount to anything” I was a teacher at that time for 20+ years with 2 masters degrees and the scapegoat of what was a highly narcissistic-alcohol addicted family. I replied, with what I truly felt.” I guess my family didn’t know me very well.” it had her pause…..
What a great response, dignified yet cutting. Haters gonna hate...
Dr Ramani truly understands the narcissists’ personality and exactly how it manifests itself in a relationship. And, she explains what you can do to protect yourself. I love Dr Ramani! She is truly the expert on this subject, and delivers it in such a caring understanding way! I’m sure she has saved a multitude of lives. 💞😊💞
And often if you are still stuck in a narcissistic relationship……silent treatment time can be received as a time of peace.
I had been left to look foolish infront of the so called family. I stayed silent and felt sad. But I eventually cut ties with them. More stuff happened and I simply upped and walked away permanently
Title of your personal book or personal essay, maybe. One Day I Simply Upped and Walked Away. Permanently. What a strong thought, what a strong beginning!
If there’s anything in this world that needs a Scarlett letter is a narc … if your w a narc and they start w their reactive abuse .. stay silent and stare out their forehead and picture the word SICK on their forehead , it kinda works / sick as in the narcs behavior .
My ex boss encouraged us (workers) to come to her with issues. So I did. Not only dif she not keep my confidence, she devalurd me "silly Pam," in front of others....then later totally misquoted me, losing the entire message.
SO Glad I no longer work there.
Recently i was on a trip with someone who i wouldnt characterize as a narcissist and it was maybe too much togetherness ... i was getting the silent treatment and subtle criticisms. I felt triggers about narcissists in my past and felt myself painstakingly wanting to please.... Instead i started talking to myself within myself... 'i dont deserve this, ive done nothing wrong, im holding love for myself'..... Interestingly the energy changed. I was also aware that as to plan we were soon parting ways. ...
I’ve briefly had a narcissistic friend who accused me of using the silent treatment to punish her. I was simply distancing myself from her because she would not stop imposing advice and trying to control me. I asked her nicely so many times to stop imposing on me, and she wouldn’t stop. I just went no contact.
Right On!!!!!! Bb
Had the same thing happen with a narcissistic friend - tried to control me and I tried to communicate with her but had to ghost her as she didn't listen. They don't know how to listen!
They love to run to your friends and relatives for information about you after you've gone NC, and to try to turn these people against you.
I love the silent treatment it's so peaceful.
I have never had narcissists in my life (my personality isn't conducive for them) until my coworker. It was the first time I had ever encounters the silent treatment. He yelled at me, I stepped forward into his space (ultra power move) and correct his behavior, and he then gave me the silent treatment. It's been 3 years and it's still going strong.
I only had to beat him back into line 2 other times. I have to say... I love it. Don't bother me, Ill get my stuff done, figure out how to work around you, and that will be that
But how do u work around them? Isn't it at least there were times when you both need cooperation from each other? How do u strategize with that?
@@amy2434 It was hard when I first got started but I eventually learned everything at my job and was able to streamline everything. I was also able to systematically cut him out of stuff making him easier to replace (the logic of keeping him despite his issues, solely because he is valuable, is falling apart)
I mentioned "my personality isn't conductive to narcissists" and one of the major reasons for that is Im sharp & hard working. I have never needed anyone for anything. Im happy in solitude, I pay all my own bills, I have a massive emergency fund, and I stay in good health. The only thing other people can give me is wonderful human relationships built on emotional intimacy, collaboration, and harmony. I have everything else
So if you can't give me that... kicking you to the curb is effortless and painless. Narcissists can only exist where dependency exists.
You actually sound like the narcissist who is bullying someone else. Are you their boss?
@@troywhite6039 "You actually sound like the narcissist who is bullying someone else." Perhaps, perhaps not. What I can say is Im not the victim of abuse as a result of the way I act. But carry on doing what you are doing if you think it yields better results. Your success or failure has zero impact on my success or failure.
"Are you their boss?" No. If I was, I would have just terminated them. Im their coworker. He actually was my senior until I got promoted to his level (turns out his lack of healthy social skills is detrimental to career growth)
@@camadams9149 ''I got promoted to his level (turns out his lack of healthy social skills is detrimental to career growth)'' It's detrimental to every field of their life lololol, they are losers but get lucky sometimes
Silent treatment can be mistaken for distance that is needed but when it’s from a narcissist, there is no mistaking what it is.
I want to sincerely thank you for your great work, Dr. Ramani...Being raised by a malignant narcissist and then being in many relationships and friendships with narcissists I spent much of my life feeling almost sub human, and these videos have really helped me reclaim my identity. I can't thank you enough for that!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You are God-sent. Your service to humanity is priceless.
But as someone who was on the receiving end of Narcissistic Abuse by a Covert one…I am actually the one who initiates and exercises the silent treatment…I have to to go silent for my sanity or else the Covert will keep the communication all victim based on his end…so I must go silent..its the closest of going no contact when you live with the person or they are in your presence. Hearing the lies and mental gymnastics constantly drives me crazy literally so I must go silent on a Narc’s ass. Silence it my defense mechanism….Ive been like that my whole life especially towards the adults in my childhood who neglected/abused me. U fck me over repeatedly…then you eventually are dead to me and I will walk past you as if you are a leaf on the ground. Only way I know to protect myself because verbally reasoning or having healthy disagreement dialogue is unrealistic when dealing with these people.
I think the silent treatment is different because it's used to control other people and hurt them. The silent treatment is used to antagonize someone into a reaction.
It sounds like you are describing grey rock. Where ypu are limiting interaction to avoid a verbal attact my the narc. You are protecting yourself.
Yes, same here. I had to grey rock to the point that it seemed like I was using the silent treatment. It was what I had to do to protect myself from feeling all the pain and anger, while I got into a position where I could leave. Luckily, I only had to do it for a month or so, but it was incredibly uncomfortable.
I don't put all my eggs in this basket, but what is your zodiac Sun birth sign? I'm doing a bit of research into the validity of the star sign stereotypes.
@@abundantharmonyAs an astrologer, I can definitively tell you that there is no validity to Sun Sign only stereotypes. A person’s Sun Sign gives you some basic information that *tends* to be true. However, by itself, it would be like a single digit lock, with only 12 possible numbers for unlocking it. Add the Moon Sign and Rising/Ascendant and it’s a three digit lock. Add all the other planets, signs, aspects, fixed stars, nodes, decans, etc., and you have a top level security password that nobody is going to crack. A person’s whole chart gives you tons of information about them. Their Sun Sign gives you just enough to open a conversation at a party, but not enough to genuinely impress anyone.
@@amberinthemist7912 ooo ok..thanks for clarifying, Amber!
My x used to deflect and blame shift BEFORE the abusive act. To this day, he thinks he is savvier than other narcissists. He puts other narcissists down when they get caught because he is so meticulous and premeditated with his insidious behavior.
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
This is the best comment EVER. you said EVERYTHING. That was a huge sigh of relief for me somehow. Thank you for that. Sometimes I'm really bad with words and saying how I feel. Some of what I went through and still am. Going through.This. ❤️
❤ you said it all
Mine said I was to blame for him cheating with multiple women “because I kept trying to break up with him “. 😂
Thank you for discussing financial abuse. Financial abuse is very common.
I always get a little sad when a compilation comes up. Not because I don't like them, but because I have seen the old videos more than once, so some of them I almost learn them by heart.
Although , if you met Dr Ramani in the past year or two, this long videos are pure healing journey gold!! ❤
Sam Vaknin is a self proclaimed Narcissist & is interesting.
Dr Ramani is GOLD.❤
@@csc8697 My preffered diagnosed narcissist is Lee Hamock, he is awesome (and not a doctor). I've watched Vaknin and Grannon's work, but Idon't like them personally. They are more worried about looking good and being adored and followed, than about people getting the right information and care. They both are too violent (in their speech), ironic, and condescending for my taste.
@@artifundio1agree! I feel the same way about them! I really don’t need their perspective since I’ve seen it in my 28 year relationship…. Sigh!
I saw screenshots he showed me on his phone of a comment he made to a lady on her picture where she had barely any clothes on. His comment was: “I wish you were my wife.”
And he twists it to “you didn’t see what I really wrote. I wrote I wanted to be with her sexually not replace you with her.”
And he said that because I was so angry about what I saw. Then I see a Craigslist ad for a meet up for sex saved on his phone on screen shot. And it was when he was out of state in California on work trip. And I had heard of Some narcs keeping trophies. And this seemed like one. And his response was he had a moment if weakness and we were in a bad spot in our marriage. And then he changed his story saying the ad was a scam.
I mean he is sick and it just adds confusion instead of dealing with the truth. And he can’t handle the truth. The truth is he wants his cake and eat it too. And he wants me to sit by and say nothing against it and allow him to do as he pleases.
I hope you're on your way out of that marriage.
@@Hatbox948 I’m divorced now. Thank goodness. Just finalized last month. So glad to be free of him and making my own way.
I lived with a covert narc. I would go silent when I was so hurt I really had nothing to say to this person. What is this called? I wasn't "giving the silent treatment." I was just so hurt and confused. This person is a master of word salad so talking to this person was self defeating. This person would just act like nothing was happened and wanted me to sweep it under the rug, which I detest.
You withdrew. You have to when everything you do or say is used against you. Silent treatment and withdrawal are not the same. The first is manipulative the latter is self defense.
Grey rock. You disengage to avoid abuse.
If you feel like you're not even able to speak, you could also be disassociating. I know I do that a lot when dealing with my covert narc.
I do this too when speaking is a waste of time and when they pretend like nothing happened. I just give myself time to process the evil and distance myself. It’s hard to warm up to abuse just because the other person has decided to stop abusing you for a while “so the coast is clear you can come out and play again.” It’s a cat and mouse game
You shut down. I am in a constant state of shut down because dealing with her is so hard and so pointless when nothing changes, what's the point... so you just deal with them as little as possible.
My neglectful narcissist did not engage in a classic silent treatment. Not that I was aware of-maybe I just didn’t notice it. But he did acknowledge finally that he did not like to share his thoughts or feelings with me, which is a whole different kind of silent treatment that the partner (me) doesn’t even know is going on because it’s this act of omission that permeates the entire relationship.
Narcissist are very cleaver manipulators.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. I don’t know what I would do without you. ❤
Thank you for your work in helping us break down, make sense of and escape these horrific relationships.
My guy-who was more of a neglectful self-righteous narcissist-didn’t want any responsibility for the finances. But at a certain point, he grew really anxious, because he felt “shut out” of the finances. Stands to reason that if he accepts no responsibility and shifts all that responsibility to me, then I’m going be the one with the spreadsheets and the documents and the logins to online accounts! I’m going to have all the info and he’s not going to have any of the info, because he never wanted to take responsibility for any of the finances! This became a huge source of contention that ultimately lead to our divorce. Thank God for that!
My mother would use gaslighting like, "Oh, no, I would NEVER say anything like that. No, your father and I would NEVER say that to you." She would shake her head like she was a holy mother ... and it worked. I started questioning myself whether the insult really happened.
I know. It would leave me actually unable to speak much, yet alone think clearly about what was happening at the moment. Now 73, only now do I see what happened to me. All you have left is yourself, so now the reconstruction, the strength and the work all come together, a good new you, I hope.
Yep. They actually made me think I was crazy and my brain didn't work right starting in childhood to cover for their verbal abuse.
@@amberinthemist7912Argh, making the child the problem.... I totally relate. Best wishes going forward!
“I lied because I knew you would react this way” was a good one when confronted w anger about the lying. So like he was forced to lie because I was the problem 🤬🤯
Realized it was about him “winning” and not establishing an authentic interaction. I cried w relief when I had the signed divorce decree in hand.
They kind of blame shifting I experienced was often assigning blame instead of accepting responsibility. So for example if we’re coming up short financially from month to month, instead of acknowledging that he spends too much, he insists that I’m not earning enough. So it becomes a kind of gaslighting.
My narcissistic sister misinterprets me, going no contact with 'the silent treatment.'
This is absolutely excellent - thank you SO MUCH Dr. Ramani! ❤️ Patience to all of you my friends - we WILL get through this... ✨️
I always say passive aggressive is still "aggression" in some ways it's worse because you have no idea what the person is actually upset about. It's so indirect and so submissive that it can cut deep, if not deeper than literal abuse. I can relate tenfold to this.
Thank you for your channel. You have helped me tremendously.
Wow - nailed it. I left my job to take care of us and go back to school. I am an awesome homemaker but every meal, laundry, scheduled activities, etc, etc was all met with, “I don’t care about that.” He damaged me in ways that, 12 years later ( We broke up after 7 years), I am still grappling with. I am so damn glad I was at least smart enough to not marry him. In my gut, he always seemed like the kind of guy who would murder a partner to avoid splitting any assets.
Life humbles you as you age ..this wise saying doesn't work with narcs..
My guy l-who was more on the neglectful, self-righteous, conversational, cerebral, cheerful part of the spectrum-would do things like have a surprise birthday party for me that I didn’t want, or spring a little impromptu birthday celebration for me at a hotel bar when we’re at a conference with colleagues and friends, where I am angry about the circumstances, but I have to appear grateful because all of the people who are wishing me a happy birthday and blowing out the candles aren’t responsible for what’s going on and in fact have no idea what was going on. It’s sort of like the public shaming. Except it’s using the public setting to prevent us from dealing with a situation in our relationship.
My soon to be EX blames me for all my family doesn’t like him due to me telling them about his bad behavior, why would I even do that cuz I’m already embarrassed, ashamed that this SOB is even in my life 😢 Last straw was when he started to do the same to our 2kids, after 34yrs of this, that was it! I walked out during a heated argument that would of turned out to being physical 😢 with nothing but a small suitcase and left everything we’ve worked for
Starting over is tough but a necessity to get my Sanity Back ☹️😢😖🤬💔
I am experiencing this with my Mother right now. She will not speak to me because I dared asked her why she cancelled visiting for Christmas. When I asked her why she got angry started yelling and said “why don’t you just ask your in-laws to come” and hung up on me. She refused to pick up the phone to discuss it. She became the victim by suggesting I told her to drive it all by herself to visit me. However, this was completely untrue. We offered to come pick her up. I was completely confused, hurt and could not understand what just happened. I ended up apologizing. I didn’t even understand why I was apologizing after being treated so poorly. She still won’t talk to me.
You shouldn't diagnose your mom especially as a narcissist unless she has all nine traits and is consistent with all nine. If this is a new behavior she may be having issues being elderly as age brain illnesses effect people today.
She was enraged because you dared to question her.
My mom is the same way. I'm sorry -- it's very painful!
Just stop engaging. There's no reasoning with a narc. They get mad for fun.
All part of the grand plan...
Was she always like this? Could it be dementia? If this is her usual behaviour, consider this situation a relaxing time with no raging narcs around. I would be very glad if my narc mother decided to not visit me.
When confronted with something they did, they point out that “they’re not the only one who’s ever done wrong” when that was never even said. Extremely frustrating.
man you're so smart, you help me deal with these fools everyday, thank you!
I asked my wife if there was a particular color we were wearing to her mother’s funeral. I asked that question because she told me that her mother didn’t want ppl wearing black. My wife’s response to my question was, “wear whatever you want.” I knew my wife was wearing white and she knew I was wearing blue because I tried on my “funeral suit” 3 weeks before her mother passed. When my 3 adult kids & I arrived at the funeral…we saw the entire family wearing white. I’m in blue and my kids were in black. The most embarrassing moment of my life. She intentionally wanted to embarrass us in front of 600 ppl. I only wish I was making this story up. Classic narcissist behavior after they find out you want a divorce.
Wow.
The healthier counterpart to the silent treatment is No Contact
Financial abuse isnt only someone else taking control of all the bank accounts. The coercive control can be used to convince the victim that voluntarily handing over their money is the right thing to do. Or convince them, using silent treatment and other tactics, that spending their money on eg a particular car, a holiday, social events, loaning it to the narcissist etc etc etc. Basically giving the victim no option but to spend their wages on things of the narcissists choosing or face the negative consequences if they don't. It's an easier form of financial abuse to extract yourself from because it "only" requires you to wake up to it and change your mindset, whilst ensuring your own safety (because those consequences of not doing whatever the narcissist wants could involve physical violence). But don't assume that just because someone doesn't have your passwords etc and physically control your money by having it in their hands, that you're not being controlled or it isn't financial abuse.
Absolutely have been ridicule in public. A large and bitter pill to swallow.
My ex used to try to hurt my feelings and then complained "it's like you have no personality" when I wouldnt react.
I wasn't going to allow her to harvest my emotions anymore.
My Dad is malignant narc and Mum a covert narc. Mum is dying at mo and Dad is extremely difficult to deal with and controlling all info about Mum and instructed hospital that he is the only person who can know details about Mum's care. We have to try to piece together bits from what he dains to tell us. My sister rang the hospital last week and someone did speak to her and told us to come sooner rather than later if we want to see her. We both feel very unsafe around our Dad right now cos after my sister contacted the hospital he exploded on the phone at me, even though I didn't make the call, and even on the phone I felt the force of his anger. It's very sad cos we feel we can't go and see our Mum one last time cos it's a very small community on an island and there would be no way we could avoid our Dad. 😢
Is it possible to face time or Zoom if a nurse there has the ability to help? Many hospitals did that during Covid because loved ones weren’t allowed in hospital when the patients were close to death.
I’m very sorry your mum is so ill and dying. I do hope you can communicate with her. 😢
So sad. You can feel some peace in knowing that you truly tried. This will be on your Dad. One day I hope this will comfort you.
Oh, I was so good at the silent treatment. I good go days with the Nex. And, if he tried to break the silent treatment, I’d tell him before we move on we needed to resolve the “issue”.
one thing i struggled with in my toxic relationship was when she would blatantly give me the silent treatment, she would always deny it and i would feel crazy. but i had to tell myself that this is my reality and i wouldn’t allow her to gaslight me anymore.
A friend from college slept with my boyfriend, had his child, and blamed me for everything. Her justification was so ridiculous I literally thought she was joking. She was not.
The silent treatment would have been welcome. The rage, bullying, smear campaigns, and other punishments were brutal. I didn't realize I was being intentionally punished until he told me directly, I did that to punish you for your bad behavior. It took years, but he finally gave me the divorce I asked for as punishment (his words) and now I'm free! I am so blessed, but I feel for the others who are not so lucky.
I survived a nightmare! Then the silence came after I wanted to follow up with questions.
Here's a thought: if you are publicly shamed and you can't get out of the situation, deflect it back to them, to their priorities and opinions. One response that Might work Sometimes is: "You call them as you see them; you're entitled to your own opinion." Or if someone demands, "What were you thinking?" you Might try: "Doesn't what you think matter more? What do you think about this?" Lightly push them to make themselves look better than you, not just you looking worse than them; put the burden of superiority on them. Assume a strong, assertive posture but stay respectful and polite ("I see"; "Thank you for explaining that"; "I didn't think about it that way"; "thank you for your time") and let them talk as much as they want; too many words is too certain failure for them.
38:00 Working Girl!!! Perfect example of a woman surrounded by narcissism and breaking free!!!
Needed this reminder! Thank you. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
This video is jammed packed with so much. Thank you
After we had our baby, I was blamed for him gaining weight since I bought myself unhealthy snacks and he didn’t have self control. He said when I was pregnant, that he was pregnant with me and wanted sympathy
Your work is truly appreciated, Dr Ramani.
I didn't get the silent treatment. As much as constant antagonism to provoke fights, especially when the kid wasn't around to witness her shouting and name calling. I even got told " I never shoved you. I'd remember that."
All my old work friends got recruited into the flying monkey army, though.
CONSTANTLY!!!
Dr. Romani,
Your videos are soooo true.
Thank you❤
I suffer from sister abuse.
I just retired to get away from my narc wife...she destroyed our dream home with 50 dogs...then she sold my favorite dog ...Ive lost my wife...she's nuts...my job...my dog...my home ...it's still worth it to get free of her malicious evil persona.
Thank you so much for this compilation. It definitely hits home on so many particular situations for me even one that I'm going through now with enablers and people who think the common enemy intimacy is much better than honesty and reality. The blame shifting Etc and then projecting and accusing me of blame shifting is just extremely triggering to me. But this video is a good helpful reminder and I'll probably have to listen to it multiple times. Thank you so much!
My mom and sister both use stonewalling with me. ( usually over a minor disagreement or lack of response on my part.) It has gotten to the point that i never want to deal with them again because its abusive. Why would anyone put themselves in abusive situations? It is a surreal situation to be in and i don't wish it on anyone.
Me too, a massive life of abuse. I am so thankful for realising much of my family are narcissistic. No more feeling less than!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr Ramani!💜
Oh, the silent treatment!!! It's so friggin devastating. I didn't live with my narc ex and he would ignore me for days. When I didn't go to visit him when he was out of town he ignored me for 2 weeks, then called one day with a casual, "What's up?" I would have rathered have the fight ANY day. I so related to your video on the neglectful narcissist so to say that they live and die by the silent treatment is 100% true!! As I began to realize what he was and started to get out of the relationship, I started giving him back the silent treatment and he HATED IT.
I use silent treatment against narcissists when they start with their bs.
These videos have been so helpful . Thank you x
This video was the most helpful of all the many ones I've watched of yours Dr Ramani. Thank you for all you do.
Thanks so much for all your help.
Aww yes I live as if I'm struggling to make ends meet, he lives like a rich man, he has all the money and plenty of it, it's taken me 30 years to realise what my life was about with him, we are divorcing now and I've told my solicitors it's financial abuse, I wish I had acted sooner ❤
Excellent video Dr Ramani.I live in a small town amid NARCS.Loved your explanation of their 'silent treatment', which is what I'm experiencing right now. To be honest, I'm better off. Can protect my peace and avoid their nonsense. Thanks to you I'm assured I'm right to leave them alone with their emotional immaturity and lack of interpersonal skills. You've taught me so much!
I have a narcissist in my life who hates me. I take their hate as a compliment.
I’m nodding my head so hard while watching this video. It’s truly validating hearing you talk about narcs as if you lived in my house and experienced what I experienced. The chronic victimhood happened to my sister earlier. My mom asked her to print something for her and when my sister said no, my mom completely shifted moods and started attacking my sister’s personality and entire being and said stuff like ‘my neighbour hates me, my own daughter hates me, my son hates me, even my own husband hates me’ which, when my sister told me that, made me extremely angry. I’m tired of my mother always being the victim when she doesn’t get her way. She’s, as you said Dr. Ramani, just a big baby
The silent treatment was one of my narcissistic Grandpa's ol' reliable techniques whenever he was irked off. Usually only communicating in one-word answers, or aggravated sighs. But compared to him exploding with rage and going on hour-long tangents, the silent treatment felt like a rare gift. A period of silence from someone who was otherwise always screaming, or throwing things, or just generally being a chaos agent.
Going on 6 months narcissist free, life has only gotten better since then. Here's hoping anyone reading this still trapped with their narcissist will find their solace, and eventually their freedom from them. ♥
What was the catalyst for change?
@rn2677 Being pushed over the edge during an awful driving lesson where he was screaming like a maniac just inches away from my face. And afterwards he said "Yeah, I know I was abusive. But I have to be abusive sometimes". It was THAT exact sentence where I was like "I gotta get as far away from this man as possible and never come back"
It was a direct statement from him that he was abusive, he knew he was abusive, and that he would keep being abusive as he sees fit.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! I'm holding on to my reality. Tired of "loved ones" lying and using my kindness against me.
Now we know what is done in darkness always come to light ! This is powerful. Journey to get back a lifetime of a life not lived .. Thank You !
As much as I enjoy this channel I miss your interviews they were the peak of my week. I hope the happen soon back again.
I was crying on Christmas over my dead 22 year old son. My 26 y/o daughter said I was too sensitive.
You’re forgetting situationship issues where they mistreat you for years and then say, “well we were never a couple so it shouldn’t concern you what I do.” Then they discard you, you’re an emotional wreck, they move on and then get mad at you for talking to people about it.
Happening to me now, he says we were over 10 years ago and what did I expect, meaning he has every right to have a girlfriend, even though we are still married, sickening is an understatement.
Sounds pretty specific but yeah, they do
@@stillpril8942 I just wasn’t sure by me talking to other people about it (some people they know) if it makes me a Narcissist?
@@brianhill6842 No, it doesn't. You lived it, you can talk about it. I guarantee, they're going to tell people you were the crazy one, and it was your fault. They might even make stuff up. Mine did.