I was married to a gaslighting narcissist who was an epic liar who cheated on me. I wish I had been able to not take the bait. He still tries to control me by not paying me my monthly money awarded in the divorce. Now I am taking him back to court!!
We had to get cameras bc my s/o’s mom kept going through and stealing my things. We caught her. On camera. It went on for months, retraumatizing me. When he finally did try to have a conversation with her, she started screaming obscenities and talking about how much she’s sacrificed as a mother. From another room, I heard her screaming and loud crashes that rattled the floor (and me). That was when I knew what took him so long to address the issue. "Rage follows a challenge to their entitlement." She invaded my privacy and stole from me, but we were wrong for all of it. He never raised his voice. I only heard him say that I have very meaningful things from my mom. Hours passed before my s/o came into the room. He didn’t say a word. I didn’t ask. A few days later, in conversation with her, she told me she wasn’t going to stand for being talked about and accused of stealing and flipping this table. I was like, um he never told me you flipped the table. She’d actually told on herself about that and assumed that he was telling everyone everything, like she herself does. Months earlier when I asked why he and his sis were so afraid of. He replied, "She'll have a heart attack." Clearly, she's in charge. It's really sad what these relationships, esp parental, do to us.
I'm sorry you and your s/o have to deal with that.... as a child of a narcissist, I really feel for your s/o.. it's such a powerless feeling, and I'm sure they feel bad for bringing you into the drama of it as well.
As soon as the lady in the story had other people taking more of her time - away from him - like the death of her brother and illness of her mother, he abandoned ship b/c she was no longer able to mommy him --- these guys do the same when a woman tries to focus on their babies, children, grandchildren, etc. They can not stand it when they are not the center of your attention and focus --- they like to have you upset most of the time, so can't give real focus to others in our lives. We all only have so much emotional energy per day.
Oh my gosh! Yes! My abuser had me believing that he was being so cruel to me when my mother, and then later my sister passed away, was because HE has such a hard time with death and I was so selfish to expect extra compassion from him when he was so uncomfortable. I lost these two important people in my life, and the abuse got so bad because the attention wasn't on him. So crazy. You hit the nail on the head my friend.
They try to keep you from activities with friends or family, or tries to insert themselves into that lunch date, in order to control the conversation.. This sounds so weird to put it into words. No wonder they get away with so much. Their covert activities just seem so unbelievable..
So many nuances of gaslighting...you create drama, you are a drunk, you are reflexively hostile, you are intellectually lacking, I regret the day I married you, this marriage was failing from the very beginning, you are stalking me on my phone, she is just a friend, you have a problem that you cannot accept I have friends, therapy didn't work because you attacked me, you make things up, I'm attracted to younger and more healthier people...... I could go on and on. I ended my 35 year marriage after many betrayals and all of the gaslighting, stonewalling and blame shifting. His words still haunt me. Thank you for this video.
I know this is late, but wanted to send you a virtual hug. I am now divorced from a similar narc after 41 years. It’s been 4 years divorced now and while I still hear him in my head, he’s more muted now and I’m more able to tell “him” he’s full of s#%*. Hang in there and please know he’s also full of s%#* (pardon my language, but it seems appropriate).
@@jcaspen Thank you for the *hug*! I have my more strong days where I'm able to mute his voice and tell myself his thoughts of me meant nothing to me. Convincing myself he's full of shit is difficult after a lifetime of thinking otherwise. Hopefully, someday that barrier will crack.. Best to you!
Hi Dr. Ramani. this is the only success I had with my narcissistic gaslighter, that shutdown the DARVO argument and set a firm boundary. He was a classic “that’s not what I meant” “can’t you take a joke” “you’re so sensitive”. I said to him. I will not discuss “what ifs. I will only discuss what is.” As he was moving out of the house trying to look like wounded puppy. I said, “It’s very simple. You can either accept that I don’t experience your behavior as loving nor respectful and we can work on this. Or you can keep your beliefs and lose this relationship. You can’t have both. It’s your choice. “
Gaslighting is insidious. I had a group of narcissists and flying monkeys including so called friends and family do it to me right after my boyfriend of 5 years passed away. It's very destabilizing. It caused me have a nervous breakdown and am still suffering from cptsd..
I’m so sorry. Some families will call themselves “caring” while kicking us when we are at our lowest. Been there. Want to let you know there’s hope for happiness, even after something as horrific as this.
I am so sad that others have experienced what I have experienced. I hope you are managing to slowly gain strength and heal. My journey is up and down, the grieving and shock and flashbacks etc. This community helps so much, thank goodness for the likes of Dr Ramano. I try to gain back strength on hard days/nights by remembering how they are jealous, weak, and cowardly where we are strong. brave and authentic. ❤️
Maybe these are two distinct topics but with my Narc, gaslighting came in the form of DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender. Identifying that pattern and then discovering it had a name, was a game changer for our dynamic; in some ways the abuse increased, but that made it harder to conceal because she could no longer elicit the 'reactionary response' that made me look like the aggressor. Gaslighting really, truly made me feel insane just as you said.
I so saw myself in this. When I was in my late 20s and had moved across the country for a new job, I started dating a man I worked with. One weekend, he told me he had to cancel our date because a (female) friend had called him and said she needed to come see him for the weekend because she was depressed. Someone who was not accustomed to abuse and gaslighting would have terminated the relationship - but I didn't. He slept with her and passed on an STD and when I told him I was upset he had passed on the STD (I did not scream or name call), he huffed up and said, "I don't have to put up with this" and stormed off. He never apologized but he did promise not to sleep with anyone else and I continued to be gaslighted in the relationship for another year and a half. Decades later, I'm still working on my grief about the way I let people destroy so much of my life and well-being.
That horrible feeling when she first saw what was on his phone, such a familiar feeling, it's the worst. It's when you first realize they aren't who they've been portraying themselves to be. Maybe even the moment when you get that inkling that the person you thought they were, didn't really exist. It's too awful, you just can't believe this is happening.
My boss is a gaslighting narcissist. As I've learned more from this channel, he is a classic covert narcissist (a jerk to me, mister charming to everyone else). He constantly blame shifted me and would use the "I didn't realize you were just so sensitive" card many times. Luckily, I finally have had enough and am leaving my career of 21 years for a much better job. Many thanks for your experiences and sharing them here to help me through this difficult time.
Good for you for recognizing his abusive behaviors and changing your ways. Mine is just the same. Every time I politely bring up a legitimate concern connected to my work or a lack of basic communication with management (him), he begins to smile and quietly says that I'm just being emotional. It kills me.
I spent 16 years with a narcissist boss who was lovely to others & attacked me in secret. I put up with it for too long. She didn’t retire until she was 68, and because of that I lost my opportunity for advancement as her position was dissolved upon her retirement. Historically every 2nd in command would get the director position upon retirement of the director, but we got a new executive who came in & shook things up. She did a couple things right before she left to assure my reputation was not a great one. Thanks Nancy! You know what you did!
A longtime friend, considered a saint by many, slyly weaponized friendships. I recognized these toxic patterns were not me being overly sensitive and absolutely intentional. I slowly began to leave all our mutual social connections. She pivoted to the last mutual social connection, my husband. Don't wait, they will go there.
When your onto their gaslighting manipulative mind games .. that’s when they go for , friends family of course children .. consider yourself as winning , bc they need an army for back up to smear your name . How pathetic !! It’s a win for us we find out who are real ppl in are lives .🤡
Thank you! When my narcissistic relationship recently ended, I realized that it hurt so much because it wasn’t just my heart that was broken, but my sense of self. Listening to you has made me hopeful that I can learn how to heal and better protect myself while bringing my authentic self to new relationships.
A narcissist shifts the attention away from the situation back onto the one bringing up things or saying anything that can inconvenience the narcissist. Any particular thing that causes the other person to doubt their version of the truth. Any person who has any doubts about anything can be manipulated by narcissist. They play with words, behavior and any vulnerabilities you have.
You're creating the light in the end of the tunnel for me. I've been in an alternate universe, where I truly believed that every single thing was my fault, I am crazy, I deserved whatever was done to me because of how awful I am. I've barely "woken up", but I'm trying my best to remove myself from the horror I live with. And it's only because of channels like yours that I've been able to snap out of it. Thank you so much
Mom takes things out of my house without asking almost every visit. From flip flop sandals to larger ticket items I have looked for them and looked for them only to find them a year later a Mom’s house. When I ask her why she didn’t ask before taking, she flips the tables “you know how much I have given you over the years?!” THANK YOU for your information and support about narcissistic personalities. I now SEE it and have set up boundaries with Mom. She doesn’t like it much, but I am a LOT happier and stronger doing the work. ❤ Sending hugs to those out there experiencing the same. #WeArentCrazy 😘🌈❤️
@KimberlyGoreham, Sometimes members of our family think it means that taking rude liberties is acceptable, because, after all, "We are FAMILY!" In my opinion, "family" are the people you should be the most kind and respectful to. Your mother should realize you're a separate person, and a grown woman with your own life, not a child.
My mother has stolen things from me my whole life. When I finally figured it out that it her and set boundaries, she did it more. Narcissistic parents steal from their kids because they feel entitled to take our things. They steal because they feel they have the right to decide what we should have or not have. They steal to gain control over us. They steal to get Narcissistic Supply. They steal to punish us. They steal out of envy. One or more of these reasons can be used by the Narcissistic parent at the same time. Trust me, it never gets better and they never stop...it just gets worst. You might not want your mother into your home ever again. I wished I knew all this decades ago. I spent many hours studying this because my mother took so much from me and I never knew it was her until it was too late. Your mother is disrespecting you and showing you actually how she feels about you. I'm sorry that your mother steals from you. It is one of the worst betrayals ever...and it hurts. Especially, when they help you look for the missing object. My mother stolen half of my shoe collection, personal pictures, make-up, jewelry, hundreds of dollars of CD, clothes, money, and so much more!
I don't know if anyone else with ADHD experiences this, but on the topic of advice people give that isn't advice or doesn't work, I find a lot of coping strategies people share don't work very well because they require normal levels of executive function that I just don't have, especially in highly emotional situations like being gaslighted. Emotional regulation is always hard, but when I get gaslighted, there's extra distress and the near death experience level of negative feelings of rejection sensitivity dysphoria. The ONLY thing that works in the crisis moment for me is to hold up my hands, say, "I can't do this with you right now," and leave until i can finish my meltdown in private, then come back at the person/problem by text or email when ONLY I get to talk.
if nobody praised you yet, you deserve praise for being able to keep level headed enough to run away. I haven't been able to several times, especially whilst grieving my mother, left now to deal with the aftermath and the shame that is weaponised against me.
my narc dad did it a lot when I was young, telling me at 15 I was fu**in mad as he drove me to my mums. I'd said I didn't want to love in two houses any more and wanted stability. Mum said it took her 2 years to get over him once she left. Unfortunately my sister and I still have to deal with him but thankfully he's 80 now and retired to France. I imagine I will get great peace once he dies.
Very helpful, shows me my mother's crazy lies are actually gaslighting me and explains why I was so disorientated confused and constantly ruminating. Now I don't engage. She can't be honest and will destroy my psyche in the process. Thanks mom but no thanks, keep your rubbish to yourself. Shown her true colours front and centre, I'm very ill physically and she nearly sent me to the nut house with her 'help'!
Absolutely Doc! I remember a couple of times as I finally dared to confront my Ex Narc with evidence of his immoral and disloyal behaviour how he raged at ME and turned the facts around to his benefit and called me dishonest paranoic jealous and screamed that I was the problem because I just didn't trust him! He accused me of respectless investigation and violation of his privacy!!!!😱 He cried and turn to be the victim and claimed that I was unfair to doubt about his great love to me and have no right to come with such accusations😵 He tried to destroy the evidence but I found it in the garbage and gave it back to him as I went away forever.
I committed the mistake telling him that he was a gaslighter and suddenly I felt empowered and started saying to him that I was tired of listening the same thing over and over again and that it was enough and just just walked away and left. Even if you said and now I know that it’s a mistake to tell them that, I felt relieved but I still have a lot to learn from you and this course. Thank you so much for your help! Thanks again, thank you 🙏🏽
Good morning Dr Ramani and everyone. Gaslighting (to me) is one of the WORST things you can do to someone. That "Gut feeling" is a life saver! YOU are right, you know you're right, and they tell you "IT NEVER HAPPENED." THEN they tell you to seek HELP from a Therapist, because you're imagining things! Not only is it insulting, but it's CRUEL. Between Future Faking and the I've had my share. Thank you for this video..❤
I have been gaslit so intensely and strategically by my ex (grandiose,sadistic,maybe malignant narc, not sure), that I fear that I MIGHT BE THE NARCISSIST !!!! And him, my victim ! And that makes me feel guilt ! Even after literally running away from him (yes,I literally run to avoid giving in to his hoovering,I run down the stairs without looking back), I am still DOUBTING myself!
PLEASE keep doing your work on narcissism until you physically can't no more!Because of folks like you here on TH-cam,all the gaslighting haze has lifted & I can 👀 it play by play🥳🎉🎊.
I had a aha moment, after a visit from a family member, who I hadn’t seen for a number of years In now realizing that I have been enduring gaslighting at different levels. I didn’t know there was such a thing ! but indeed, that’s what was happening *everything from the simplest(no, you never told me that you have trouble sleeping/ see a specialist for it now 15 years) to I thought you told me I could take 40 years of family photos out of your personal photo box )* For 25 years something was off I just couldn’t figure it out. Then the blatant lies a whole life of lies.! thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do for me
Omg! I loved this for so long. The only difference is if I confronted him not only was I the worst person he also beat me for not getting over the past and throwing one mistake in his face. I would have to start literally repeating text messages off a secret phone I wasn’t supposed to know about for it to stop. And then I was blamed. He was a serial cheater. But also was amd still is carrying on a affair with his best friends wife, amd now I am the worst person in the world I kicked him out amd made him homeless and he has no patience for me can’t stand me. Tried to kill me. And doesn’t deal with normal break up things that need to also separate like banking, bills, accounts , says I won’t give back his stuff. But he stole mine and won’t settle assets properly. I was the only working partner unless I have him a job or my family did. Well I’m going through the hard part of breaking up and trying to heal and look somewhat normal and ok.
I really believe it's not "stupidity" but a deeply human desire to connect, feel safe, be loved, and even extend kindness to others. The fact that predators are attracted to these traits does not make US "stupid;" it makes THEM evil. They are evil. We can learn to better protect ourselves, but that does not make the situation our fault.
If you show that the behavior doesn’t bother you, the person trying to gaslight you may decide it isn’t worth it. don’t give in to the urge to question yourself - they want you to doubt reality.
Or, if they're really invested, it will force their hand. The worst gaslighter in my life had abused me thirty years previously, when I was a child, and was absolutely desperate to silence and discredit me lest I crack their perfect image. They had one chance and they blew it, because I figured out what was happening and left -- however, as I began the process of disengaging, they panicked and doubled down, took away the car they'd been loaning me to get to work, etc. I still got out. I'm pretty sure they can't sleep at night. Good.
I married a man like this and it was dreadful. Thanks for this as he was a salesman. Met in collage, decided to end it. Got the big job and he eventually convinced me to quit, ... he abused my son verbally and physically and I thought I could manage it. It managed me. Fine today . Single live alone with my grown son. Very happy and very cautious.
I loved this entire video, but the part that REALLY struck me was the part about receiving the guidance of "Just set boundaries" or "just go no contact." OMG!!!! The number of well meaning but uneducated on the topic therapists who have given me this advise.... it's really sad because I felt very powerless... like do they not realize that there is NO setting boundaries with a narcissist? Also, going totally no contact would mean cutting off my entire family... which is a huge ask... I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place because both options (no contact or staying in contact) are painful as hell.
I had to go no contact for my own safety. It was and is hard; however due to the emotional healing made possible by the cessation of abuse, I have been able to make several wonderful friends, some of whom have parallel life experiences. I am an introvert and struggle with social anxiety, so if better connections are possible for me, there is hope for you as well. =)
I’ve gotten the, “Wow you look so happy now”, from narc family members *Specifically, when they get introduced to your significant other for the first time. So you’re left thinking wth are they talking about insinuating you were ever not happy and it will also raise questions in your partner’s mind. Very crafty these gaslighters. 🎭
😮 I just realized my adopted mom is a Narcissist!! It is very upsetting but at least now the puzzle fits together I was abused by bio mom in and out of homes then adopted at 3 or 4 this adopted mom got money from the gov. I just found out 😮she always acted like I was such a burden. I grew up she put me in hospitals they told her I wasn't mentally ill she didn't listen omg!! The stuff this she's a professor, chairman she put me back in group homes. I grew up to be a addict I was in my home for 17 years unable to go outside, with agoraphobia she said when I was 8 I was a no good addict mentally ill and that's exactly who I grew up to be 😢 this story goes deep I'm 54 with my only child 16 she tried scapegoating him, I've only been free from her a yr, through meditation 😊 I got my first job, I'm able to be around people ❤ I need to write a book the stuff this wan did!! I'm so overwhelmed but at least I know ty Dr Ramani
It took me a long time before those, what could I have done, said, not done, not said, what is wrong with me questions went away. Thank you so much for this video. Those times were terrible. I am so happy to be free today and without false guilt feelings. Those feelings went away. They were not justified. It took some time to work through them. Videos like these removed the handcuffs and leg irons. This is a powerful ministry! Very freeing! Very Powerful!
@@PhD1986 After retiring and returning to my hometown, I got to see how they are. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what. Then I asked God to show me and one thing lead to another and I began watching Dr. Ramani's videos and I ordered some books on personality disorders. DSM 5, William J Ray Abnormal Psychology, the Lanahan Cases by Kayla F. Bernheim, PH.D. and others. One book I read was written by "the Daughter of a Serial Killer" and she shared how the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The title of her book is the same as the quotation. I really appreciated her testimony. She's a sincere Christian. Listening and learning everyday had helped free me from false guilt for staying safely away. Many people have two are three personality disorders. Looking back, I see how those who gave the most were treated the worse. Giving people things, including love doesn't cure personality disorders.
I have been seriously gaslighted in my past by a former spouse and also by a former employer to the extent of causing lifelong disabilities. The hardest part of both for me was feeling hurt that these people I trusted and did so much for would intentionally hurt me, especially for no good or valid reason. I just wanted to get out of their orbit soon as possible. Not easy to do without identity destruction. I didn't want to be put in the position to destroy myself, as it seemed was their goal for me. No way to fight back, just to find a way out.
This is an excellent segment (as all the other segments) that Dr. Ramani brings up, and tells us. WOW. The gaslighting story is soo real. The handsome, narcissistic guy, or partner has a very shady character, and, us, enamored belles, and Pollyannas, swallow everything they tell them, hook, line, and sinker. The sad thing is, when a Pollyanna came from a gaslighting family, and one, or both parents were narcissists, and, that’s how the Pollyannas were brought up. That’s what’s “safe,” and “familiar,” for the ‘dumb’ Pollyannas. How to break this cycle?
This story is an excellent illustration of all the not so subtle things narcissists do that leave us feeling crazy. I never question the legitimacy of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors more than when I'm with one, getting redressed about some aspect of my personality... What a relief to be out of that. Thank you for articulating the dance so beautifully.
On a lightweight note, I remember an early recognition of gaslighting in a 1980s UK comedy series set in WWII France. The bar-owner's wife would catch her husband canoodling with one of his young waitresses, and call him out. His response would always be "You stupid woman!" (can't you see I am comforting Maria after her pet died etc etc) And the wife would go away confused but thinking she must have been being stupid! I don't think any of us had heard the term gaslighting back then - but a lot of the audience could resonate with seeing this behaviour, which is why it was written in.
I always remember seeing such situations on TV as a kid and wondering why that worked. Problem is, I can see now as an adult, it often does work, or at least leaves the target knowing there's no point in arguing. It's exhausting and there's no chance of winning or changing a thing with such a person. 😢
Thank you Dr. Ramani for the most impressive & much needed "Heart-Centre" work you have done and continue to do helping to heal the countless tortured souls of the survivors of narcistic abuses around the world. I had the good fortune of watching your brilliant "Turning Off The Gaslight" LIVE broadcast yesterday, 2 December 2023, and will watch this replay video again and again as & when I feel that I need a timely reminder for my self-protection from narcissists and their enablers, flying monkeys, etc. You are truly a 'Living Legend' and a precious & priceless 'GIFT' to the human race. I have watched many of your brilliant educational videos for over a year and continue to watch your new videos as they become available. I have the greatest adminiration & respect for you. I wish you great success with your latest book and sending you season's greetings from London, UK for a joyous holiday as well as a happy & healthy 2024 💗🙏
Dr. Ramani , thank you for including the course on narcissism with the purchase price. Your work means the world to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Beverly.
You are the best narcissistic expert on TH-cam! You are SO insightful and intelligent and you have an extremely calming and soothing voice. Your channel is 1 of only 2 channels on narcissism that I watch.
My ex-husband gas lighted me. Now my adult daughter does the same. I am struggling with this. I am hoping your book and coarse touches on being gaslighted from Adult children.
This is an incredible deal! Thank you for your generosity, Dr. Ramani! I want this information prophylactically and to help me have clarity in confusing situations. I’ve purchased the book, submitted the form, and look forward to enrolling in the course once my purchase it’s verified. You’re such a gem, and I appreciate listening to not only what you teach but the way you express it: very warm, sincere, and heartfelt. You’re a wonderful teacher and communicator. I wish you were my therapist! 😂
Thank you Dr Raman. I've used your words over the last year and a half as immunization and booster shot against my gaslighter. Maybe it would be a great topic to talk about how gaslighters will use it while hoovering as a manipulation to pull you back under their control. It would also be great to talk about how gaslighting and narcissistic abuse affects those who are on the spectrum. My former toxic relationship partner used my neurodivergence against me I have ADHD and Autism. When I was with him he practically destroyed my ability focus while dealing with him by interrupting me while I was talking and telling me I never said or did something to stress me out, then I'd forget what I was saying and he would then say that what I said was invalid because of my differences. He'd tell me he knew me better than I new myself and I needed his protection because I would be taken advantage of. When I finally left him, he always insisted on seeing me in person or talk on the phone. When I did he could confuse me enough to make me agree to something that I didn't want. As a strategy I decided that I would NEVER talk to him in person or even over the phone by myself and stuck to email so everything they said was in writing and on the record. Using this method, counted on friends and hired a lawyer to bare witness when I had to interact with them, and of course followed you to help remind me when I started to gaslight myself, I was finally able to make him stop after a year and a half. You are doing such important work. Thank you. 💕💕
Thank You so much Dr Ramani for all of your wisdom. You have been of such great help to me. I wish I had discovered you 15 years ago. I am only now realizing the extent of the damage done by my narc ex to both myself and to my now 25 year old daughter. She has been showing signs of NC over the years with me as her supply. I am in the midst of her gaslighting and have had to shut her out. It is the hardest thing, next to leaving her dad, that I’ve ever done.
I’ve been suffering from gaslighting on a daily basis , for at least a month. It’s mercifully going to end soon. I’m so happy there are people like you who inform all of us of Narcissistic BEHAVIOR. At least I’m not a loser.
My narcissistic Mother used to claim that she was just a great tease whenever I caught her in a lie. There were many lies. She was very sneaky about money. My narcissistic sister managed to help herself to a lot of Mother’s money only have them not speaking for the final six months of her life. Thank you for helping us recover from these relationships.
Thank you for sharing Dr Ramani. I remember asking my narc about an old mutual friend if they had dated, and he labeled her as someone “he would never consider”.. Fast forward 11yrs later, he suddenly stayed back for two weeks after vacation/family wedding invite, to the islands… I received a text saying that the same mutual friend was bragging that he is “such a teddy bear”.. his family saw and questioned her actions among themselves ( never giving blame or questioning the narcissist).. He definitely gaslighted me!!
I’ve never preordered something so quick in my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life already and I am so excited to get and read your book and dive into this course with you! Thanks for everything ❤
There’s a very good example of gaslighting in one of the audio clips between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Johnny called Travis, then asked Amber “tell him what you just did”…she, as Johnny is talking says “oh, you asked me to do it”…..he said “I said Travis”… she at the same time Johnny is speaking says “Travis, come and save me”…. A distracting or deflecting attempt.. Johnny eventually says “and I watched you lie”…. Then Amber says “I didn’t hit you by the way… I’m sorry that I didn’t hit you in a proper slap, but I didn’t punch you”…. He says “ DON’T TELL ME WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE PUNCHED”…. She softly says “I know, you’ve been around for a long time..I know”…..there was a ton in that interaction.. she at some point mockingly said “I don’t know what the full motion of my hand was”….then no mocking ”but I was hitting you”…. At some point she even said that he wasn’t hurt so he should stop arguing about it… then she said “I’m not sitting here arguing about it am I. You are a big baby. Grow up, grow up Johnny”. All those audio clips were so toxic. They were a real time case study in gaslighting, word salad and circular argument. Very sad and toxic.
I saved this video immediately! 🎉 This is so incredibly helpful!! Dr. R, we are SO GRATEFUL for the work you're doing and these free videos that walk us through our healing!! You are an incredible human being, and.... so are we!! Healing is hard but we are all worth it! ❤
40:40 Those fights are possible to be won, BUT it requires unbelievable amounts of patience and mental acuity to do so. Something most people can't bring to the table, even if they want to. And even those that could don't want to, because it is in most situations a complete waste of nerves. It is certainly nigh impossible while you are still completely destabilized from gaslighting, tied to a narcissistic relationship. But the more your self comes together, heals up, and you learn and know about all the nooks and crannies, the possibility can be there. You need a bathtub worth of stoicism to boot, not just a bucket. That they can be beaten has given me more strength and confidence. For the patience and emotional detachment I believe my autism helps me, when initially it was what made me more vulnerable - I have learned to pick up on tonal cues and body language, and it has helped tremendously in spotting bad people early. In chat it works differently, and I'd say there it is that especially autists can gain the upper hand more easily, but the details would require me to write out another page long comment, and if I do that it won't be now. Sleepmeds are already working and I have to watch the rest tomorrow (this soft stuff is the only thing that helps with the PTSD temporarily as well, but I'm not a pharmacist to explain why). Focus: Why do I believe the autism make more vulnerable initially? Because people are primarily information sources, and we initially trust other people's information. Manipulative people can therefore have it very easy to reel us in, and the concept of a deliberate liar - the most untrustworthy person imaginable - is very foreign initially. That itself is just evil. When the gaslighting goes too far you can't even trust statements about the weather anymore. Or whether the air smells of cigarette smoke while it is so thick there are streamers around the gaslighter's head and you start asking 3rd parties for whether the smoke is there or whether it is not, or whether the weather is the weather or whether it is not. Back then, my thyroid took permanent damage from the stress. Then people told me I blew it all out of proportion and that the person is totally nice and good and would never do such things and that, I kid you not "That's your illness!" and when I asked what the hell kind of illness I supposedly had I never got an answer. Gaslighters will go so far as to spread claims that you are mentally insane, that you hallucinate, that you are psychotic to other people, just so they will dismiss your critique and complaints, your seeking of help especially. The will put wedges between all your relationships if they can, to isolate you fully until there is nothing left of your life. My thyroid took damage, but apparently I only imagined it all. Right... No, I don't think so. There's too much hard evidence. But a well trained flying monkey, who may even be good at heart, cannot be convinced by such anymore. The idea to have been manipulated that blatantly is scary to them, for it also implies that there may be other people that manipulate them they cannot see - especially when they themselves live in narcissistic relationships to begin with. They will then always make excuses for the narcissistic behaviours of other people - anything else would mean admission that the person they're with... is a bad one. So much for focus...
Done. Thank you. My husband was telling me today, that we have to somehow reciprocate for all the healing I’ve gone through the past year. I have a new outlook on life and cannot thank you enough. So, thank you again.
I feel sick listening to this story. How nany times I‘ve been gaslighted? The biggest gaslighter has been my mother. Whatever other bad relationships I have had, my mom is a real winner at this gift of gaslighting. Well, at least, she is a winner at something! She is the biigest dissapointment in my life. I do not know what to believe. She crashed my life.
Second this! It's sad to finally realize how she treated my father. He has his own issues, but if he ever figures them out then I owe him a serious apology. Never realized how toxic mothers can be.
My mother is the gaslighted, my father the authoritarian rager. I believed for decades that she felt the same as I did about him. It wasn't true, I was just tau ma bonded to her. Her latest gift when im sick and expressed how hurt I was he doesn't show any interest in how badly im doing health wise, she said "we'll how do you think I feel".. That was my problem, always caring how she felt above how I felt, to have it shoved in my face at my lowest ebb was truly astounding. I was taken aback how cruel she could be
Excruciatingly hard for you, I hope you are regaining your power, and consider no contact of at least minimal contact. I have had the same experiece with mother and siblings. The smear campaign is to be expected ; but walking away for me was the only option.
Pretty sure I’ve been gaslit by the same person since we were both young children. My brain is so confused. 37 years knowing a person only to realize I don’t know him at all. But I know him more than anyone! My brain. My cognitive dissonance owns every aspect of my life and I feel so stuck. I’ve been here watching Dr Ramani videos for 10 years learning about narcissism yet my brain still tries to tell me he’s a good guy. I’m finally recognizing (my body has been numb since a child) that my body feels scared when he’s around? I think? My fear is incredibly numb and usually comes in panic attacks that I dissociate from again. I literally just discovered this about myself! But he’s not mean necessarily. God my brain 🤯
The root of all evil in my life. These people need to be rooted out, exposed and separated. They will stop at nothing to get their way and will destroy their own children to save face and destroy those who stand in their way.
This really is a big thing gaslighting.... in a narcissistic relationship ....it just never stops....from morning to night Thankyou Dr.Ramani....🙏for your video....on gaslighting....and your new book ...great....... giving myself and others a better understanding....❤️
Always go with your gut. I found I have done so many stupid things to prove my gut was right, when I should have just walked away quietly. Hindsight is 20/20 yet now if I get the hint of gaslighting, I just walk away. No more confrontation or convincing them I know stuff. Just walk away.
Dr. Ramani, You are deserving of a Nobel Prize, no kidding. You've worked hard to enlighten us all about narcissism. You have such a handle on this epidemic of evil, from an educated standpoint and I think from a personal standpoint. According to Mr. Nobel himself, these are the ones who are deserving to win, ""those who, during the preceding year, have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind." Sounds like you to me. Best wishes on your book. I can't wait to read it and attend your gaslighting course. I have been recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. I'm sure the book and course will help me in my healing journey. Thanks, Jeanette
I pray for your safety, for your health, for your happiness, and your strength. I pray you never have to suffer the hardship lord will always be there for you in any way possible.
Wow. The way you describe the story and the way you broke it down and I can so relate so much. I can remember all the gas lighting and sometimes how out of it I was. The gas lighting was so Real and Deep. The ex narc told me several times that he owned me and I will never find anybody else. He still stalks and sends me fake profiles in my fb messenger. NC for a year now. I will NEVER EVER go back. The Narcissist Abuse was Devastating. I have started healing and continue for the rest of my life. Thank you Dr Ramani for giving the knowledge and awareness that enables me to be strong and have courage. You have made an Impact on my Life. ❤️🙏🏾
Bought book, didn't sign up for course YET but did sign up for my "surprise"! Can't wait to get it. Fun! How about a T-Shirt? Then I can say "I have the Narcissism, Gaslighting T-Shirt!" LOL Again, thanks so much. I'm "older" and things need to be easy for me. Navigating your instructions and getting everything filled out and done was "easy-peasy". I feel like I know you. You've changed my life. Have a great weekend Ramani Team!
Thanks for the story. Well told. Repeating myself but it was such a story of gaslighting and predictable behaviour. My brothers friend was going through a tough time with his fiancee. Cold shoulder over the last few weeks. He was desparate to keep her. He had done anything she wanted. Looks wise I'm told she was good and he seemed ok. He didn't make a large income. Both in thier 20s. A difference was morals. This kids couldn't lie. Every answer simple. Easily lays his heart out to anyone. My brother and any friends he had couldn't take watching him abused. I had few friends and those that i had weren't great. It was my birthday and no one was celebrating with me. I was good with that cause at the time showing up would have been so fake. My brother literally dumped this guy on me. We bar hopped through the night but drank little. Back at my place we smoked a joint. It was there at my place he explained her. How worried he was about breaking up. Her religious family hated him. Said they were unequally yoked. They had met in bible school. Its a religious thing(unequally yoked). Its like saying we go to the same church but you're a democrat and shes a republican. Oh truth doesn't get involved just feelings for these types. Anyway i said to him 2 weeks apart, yeah, she is cheating on you. What do i do, he says any time i call her she lies. Recently only her mother answers the phone. Really. Perfect. When mother answers don't asked for your fiancee say its her you are calling. Say to her your a person of faith right, its important to you. Let her respond. Than ask is your daughter cheating on me. If she defects just repeat the question till its answered or hung up. I already know its yes. They say she is pregnant i won't leave her, he says. I think you're right she is pregnant but its not your child. That the only thing truly describing her behaviour. He began crying. We drank some more beers and called it a night. Met back up with him a few days later and he was a mess. She was cheating with a religious guy approved by the parents. Shacking voice red eyed barely understandable. Yeah its bad. Real bad. I hate whats happened to you, i said. He starts bargaining and reasoning about things. Than he starts in the regret things. If id only done this I said to him you know whats really bad about this, the worst thing? No he says She is not done with you. She wants to do this to you another time. Mark my words she will call you. Really. He's all excited. Yup. But its to continue this. She will get back together with you and dump you again. I think you're going back for seconds. The pain you have right now its going to be literally doubled. I won't, he says in a weak voice. I think you will. But I'm going to give you an insight. She will call you saying her current guy is evil and she left him. Give her another chance. Know when this happens she hasn't left him. She will be using him the way she used you. A year went by and my brother tells me about him. He was shocked that i got him to listen. She quickly married the other guy. They had a child. Her parents said he was perfect for thier daughter. Equally yoked. Than he began beating her. Black eyes and stuff. She calls my brothers friend and exactly as i had said wants him. He lets her talk. After the call he calls her mothers landline. This girls husband answers somewhat confrontational but he persists. You are still married than. Happily the guy shouts back. Good cause she just called me saying you're divorce. She's putting herself out there. Not a moment of regret and seeing through her. So this is what equally yoked looks like. 2 people hurting each other equally. She and her parents got to raise that child and she was out of the dating scene in little community 100 miles from the big city. Quiet town that shuts down by 5pm daily. She was miserable but the child had quiet happy life.
What about SILENCE? Can gaslighting be dished out as a form of silence? As in, when you confront them with something and they just smirk (or stare blankly as though they didn't hear you) ... and just start talking about something else.... - and then when you TRY to come back to the issue, they busy themselves and get annoyed at you for bringing up "the past" (a "past" which never got resolved)... - and follow that up with bucket loads of Cheerful Pressure... - and then subtly make you feel unhinged/hypersensitive... but never actually SAY it out loud.... - and FINALLY, when enough time has passed, if you bring it up AGAIN... saying YOU'RE the one who went silent... and scoffing at you for suggesting otherwise 🙃 There are very seldom any full blown arguments with my (suspected) Communal Narcissist life-partner but the relationship feels frightening, confusing, cruel, disconnected and very rageful to me. After 7 years, I'm just starting to wise up and realise all the love I had for him is gone... bar from my continued admiration for his/our humanitarian work. I had my own life, rental and money before COVID collapsed my industry but I'm now 100% financially dependent on him, so quite stuck (he urged me to move in with him -- we were broken up at the time... but with Covid raging, I said 'yes'). 3.5 years in, nothing is as it seemed. This crushing "SILENT nightmare" is just getting worse. And so I've spent a year educating myself, I've gone DEEP and I'm slowly extricating myself.... but it's soul-destroying work. * Goalposts are changed on a whim. * Everything is disavowed. * No one else sees or says anything (because they're either 'on the payroll' / 'drunk the Kool-Aid' / beneficiaries or out of context). * I've tried to ask for advice, sense-checking and support from our mutual friends... but get thrown under the bus every time I do (invalidated, dismissed, more Cheerful Pressure). It's all starting to feel a lot like "THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES"... but I often wonder... 'who died and made HIM King'.... AND 'how did I get cast into playing the role of the invisibilised, emotionally abused 'wife'? 🤔 It certainly didn't START out like this.... Brutalised. Erased. Heartbroken. 💔 I feel like a ghost in a cheerful, very public, humanitarian play - a black & white character in a surreal sea of colour. Is SILENT GASLIGHTING a thing? 🤔 What is this?
😮 this is my experience too! Thank you for articulating it so clearly! It's like gaslighting by omission. All twisted mind games. But nothing is fun about it.
The day is better when people realize it takes both creating, and not taking responsibility in part of, as I'm sure it wasn't the instantaneous reason why. Sounds like you're doing everything he or she was now as being the leader, and you were a part of his responsibility, that you have only your silent self now to blame and compete with, as the successful bread winner.
GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL Dr. Ramani 10,135 days under Narcissistic abuse until I saw the Light thanks to your interview with Lewis Howes. So grateful to both of you.
Dr Ramani is an incredible communicator of this subject matter. Concise, pointed, relatable, empathetic. I watch these videos and I feel like I’m being cuddled.
@@leilagomulka5690 odd, Catholic are not suppose to be married. A few my friends said I act like a Nun… but they never realized the pain that my ex put me through, it is God who is keeping me float.
I love you and appreciate you Dr. Ramani! Im soooo Excited about this course and your book! Merry Christmas to me! Thank you for being such a gift to the world! You are amazingly wonderful! Love & Blessings Christine
I was married to a gaslighting narcissist who was an epic liar who cheated on me. I wish I had been able to not take the bait. He still tries to control me by not paying me my monthly money awarded in the divorce. Now I am taking him back to court!!
The gaslighters excuse for shooting you is. . . “You stood in the way of my bullet!”
yes, and add "You stood in the way of my bullet you stupid a**hole!"
Good example. Thank you.
This is a good one.
Oh, Lord! You're describing my sister to the T!
A classic line from my ex narc: "Would you remove your foot from under mine?"
Unforgettable, even after almost 50 years.
We had to get cameras bc my s/o’s mom kept going through and stealing my things. We caught her. On camera. It went on for months, retraumatizing me. When he finally did try to have a conversation with her, she started screaming obscenities and talking about how much she’s sacrificed as a mother. From another room, I heard her screaming and loud crashes that rattled the floor (and me). That was when I knew what took him so long to address the issue. "Rage follows a challenge to their entitlement." She invaded my privacy and stole from me, but we were wrong for all of it. He never raised his voice. I only heard him say that I have very meaningful things from my mom. Hours passed before my s/o came into the room. He didn’t say a word. I didn’t ask. A few days later, in conversation with her, she told me she wasn’t going to stand for being talked about and accused of stealing and flipping this table. I was like, um he never told me you flipped the table. She’d actually told on herself about that and assumed that he was telling everyone everything, like she herself does. Months earlier when I asked why he and his sis were so afraid of. He replied, "She'll have a heart attack." Clearly, she's in charge. It's really sad what these relationships, esp parental, do to us.
Wow that is nuts
Sorry that you went through this. Sigh.
I'm sorry you and your s/o have to deal with that.... as a child of a narcissist, I really feel for your s/o.. it's such a powerless feeling, and I'm sure they feel bad for bringing you into the drama of it as well.
It took me 30 seconds to decipher, s/o’s.
People's trashy side comes out, doesn't it? Makes us normal folks embarrassed FOR them, lol.
As soon as the lady in the story had other people taking more of her time - away from him - like the death of her brother and illness of her mother, he abandoned ship b/c she was no longer able to mommy him --- these guys do the same when a woman tries to focus on their babies, children, grandchildren, etc. They can not stand it when they are not the center of your attention and focus --- they like to have you upset most of the time, so can't give real focus to others in our lives. We all only have so much emotional energy per day.
Nailed it!
This has been the story of the past 23 years for my marriage.
Totally and everyone believes they are so nice.
Oh my gosh! Yes!
My abuser had me believing that he was being so cruel to me when my mother, and then later my sister passed away, was because HE has such a hard time with death and I was so selfish to expect extra compassion from him when he was so uncomfortable. I lost these two important people in my life, and the abuse got so bad because the attention wasn't on him. So crazy. You hit the nail on the head my friend.
They try to keep you from activities with friends or family, or tries to insert themselves into that lunch date, in order to control the conversation..
This sounds so weird to put it into words. No wonder they get away with so much. Their covert activities just seem so unbelievable..
So many nuances of gaslighting...you create drama, you are a drunk, you are reflexively hostile, you are intellectually lacking, I regret the day I married you, this marriage was failing from the very beginning, you are stalking me on my phone, she is just a friend, you have a problem that you cannot accept I have friends, therapy didn't work because you attacked me, you make things up, I'm attracted to younger and more healthier people...... I could go on and on. I ended my 35 year marriage after many betrayals and all of the gaslighting, stonewalling and blame shifting. His words still haunt me. Thank you for this video.
💕💐
I know this is late, but wanted to send you a virtual hug. I am now divorced from a similar narc after 41 years. It’s been 4 years divorced now and while I still hear him in my head, he’s more muted now and I’m more able to tell “him” he’s full of s#%*. Hang in there and please know he’s also full of s%#* (pardon my language, but it seems appropriate).
@@jcaspen Thank you for the *hug*! I have my more strong days where I'm able to mute his voice and tell myself his thoughts of me meant nothing to me. Convincing myself he's full of shit is difficult after a lifetime of thinking otherwise. Hopefully, someday that barrier will crack.. Best to you!
Hi Dr. Ramani. this is the only success I had with my narcissistic gaslighter, that shutdown the DARVO argument and set a firm boundary.
He was a classic “that’s not what I meant” “can’t you take a joke” “you’re so sensitive”. I said to him. I will not discuss “what ifs. I will only discuss what is.”
As he was moving out of the house trying to look like wounded puppy. I said, “It’s very simple. You can either accept that I don’t experience your behavior as loving nor respectful and we can work on this. Or you can keep your beliefs and lose this relationship. You can’t have both. It’s your choice. “
Hey Sarah 🌹
How are you doing
Brilliant! 😀👏👏👏 I hope you post this again on other videos so more people have a chance to see it!
24:27 true gaslighting signs.
They always blame you and tend to change the conversation to make u feel gulity.
Gaslighting is insidious. I had a group of narcissists and flying monkeys including so called friends and family do it to me right after my boyfriend of 5 years passed away. It's very destabilizing. It caused me have a nervous breakdown and am still suffering from cptsd..
I’m so sorry. Some families will call themselves “caring” while kicking us when we are at our lowest. Been there. Want to let you know there’s hope for happiness, even after something as horrific as this.
I am so sad that others have experienced what I have experienced.
I hope you are managing to slowly gain strength and heal.
My journey is up and down, the grieving and shock and flashbacks etc. This community helps so much, thank goodness for the likes of Dr Ramano. I try to gain back strength on hard days/nights by remembering how they are jealous, weak, and cowardly where we are strong. brave and authentic. ❤️
Maybe these are two distinct topics but with my Narc, gaslighting came in the form of DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender. Identifying that pattern and then discovering it had a name, was a game changer for our dynamic; in some ways the abuse increased, but that made it harder to conceal because she could no longer elicit the 'reactionary response' that made me look like the aggressor. Gaslighting really, truly made me feel insane just as you said.
I so saw myself in this. When I was in my late 20s and had moved across the country for a new job, I started dating a man I worked with. One weekend, he told me he had to cancel our date because a (female) friend had called him and said she needed to come see him for the weekend because she was depressed. Someone who was not accustomed to abuse and gaslighting would have terminated the relationship - but I didn't. He slept with her and passed on an STD and when I told him I was upset he had passed on the STD (I did not scream or name call), he huffed up and said, "I don't have to put up with this" and stormed off. He never apologized but he did promise not to sleep with anyone else and I continued to be gaslighted in the relationship for another year and a half. Decades later, I'm still working on my grief about the way I let people destroy so much of my life and well-being.
That horrible feeling when she first saw what was on his phone, such a familiar feeling, it's the worst. It's when you first realize they aren't who they've been portraying themselves to be. Maybe even the moment when you get that inkling that the person you thought they were, didn't really exist. It's too awful, you just can't believe this is happening.
Yes, the worst feeling. I’ve been there more than once. Chilling. I’m recovering now - and I hope you are too 💐
My boss is a gaslighting narcissist. As I've learned more from this channel, he is a classic covert narcissist (a jerk to me, mister charming to everyone else). He constantly blame shifted me and would use the "I didn't realize you were just so sensitive" card many times. Luckily, I finally have had enough and am leaving my career of 21 years for a much better job. Many thanks for your experiences and sharing them here to help me through this difficult time.
Good for you for recognizing his abusive behaviors and changing your ways. Mine is just the same. Every time I politely bring up a legitimate concern connected to my work or a lack of basic communication with management (him), he begins to smile and quietly says that I'm just being emotional.
It kills me.
I spent 16 years with a narcissist boss who was lovely to others & attacked me in secret. I put up with it for too long. She didn’t retire until she was 68, and because of that I lost my opportunity for advancement as her position was dissolved upon her retirement. Historically every 2nd in command would get the director position upon retirement of the director, but we got a new executive who came in & shook things up. She did a couple things right before she left to assure my reputation was not a great one. Thanks Nancy! You know what you did!
A longtime friend, considered a saint by many, slyly weaponized friendships. I recognized these toxic patterns were not me being overly sensitive and absolutely intentional. I slowly began to leave all our mutual social connections. She pivoted to the last mutual social connection, my husband. Don't wait, they will go there.
When your onto their gaslighting manipulative mind games .. that’s when they go for , friends family of course children .. consider yourself as winning , bc they need an army for back up to smear your name . How pathetic !! It’s a win for us we find out who are real ppl in are lives .🤡
Thank you! When my narcissistic relationship recently ended, I realized that it hurt so much because it wasn’t just my heart that was broken, but my sense of self. Listening to you has made me hopeful that I can learn how to heal and better protect myself while bringing my authentic self to new relationships.
A narcissist shifts the attention away from the situation back onto the one bringing up things or saying anything that can inconvenience the narcissist. Any particular thing that causes the other person to doubt their version of the truth. Any person who has any doubts about anything can be manipulated by narcissist. They play with words, behavior and any vulnerabilities you have.
You're creating the light in the end of the tunnel for me. I've been in an alternate universe, where I truly believed that every single thing was my fault, I am crazy, I deserved whatever was done to me because of how awful I am. I've barely "woken up", but I'm trying my best to remove myself from the horror I live with. And it's only because of channels like yours that I've been able to snap out of it. Thank you so much
Mom takes things out of my house without asking almost every visit. From flip flop sandals to larger ticket items I have looked for them and looked for them only to find them a year later a Mom’s house. When I ask her why she didn’t ask before taking, she flips the tables “you know how much I have given you over the years?!” THANK YOU for your information and support about narcissistic personalities. I now SEE it and have set up boundaries with Mom. She doesn’t like it much, but I am a LOT happier and stronger doing the work. ❤ Sending hugs to those out there experiencing the same. #WeArentCrazy 😘🌈❤️
@KimberlyGoreham, Sometimes members of our family think it means that taking rude liberties is acceptable, because, after all, "We are FAMILY!" In my opinion, "family" are the people you should be the most kind and respectful to. Your mother should realize you're a separate person, and a grown woman with your own life, not a child.
My mother has stolen things from me my whole life. When I finally figured it out that it her and set boundaries, she did it more.
Narcissistic parents steal from their kids because they feel entitled to take our things. They steal because they feel they have the right to decide what we should have or not have. They steal to gain control over us. They steal to get Narcissistic Supply. They steal to punish us. They steal out of envy. One or more of these reasons can be used by the Narcissistic parent at the same time.
Trust me, it never gets better and they never stop...it just gets worst. You might not want your mother into your home ever again. I wished I knew all this decades ago. I spent many hours studying this because my mother took so much from me and I never knew it was her until it was too late.
Your mother is disrespecting you and showing you actually how she feels about you. I'm sorry that your mother steals from you. It is one of the worst betrayals ever...and it hurts. Especially, when they help you look for the missing object.
My mother stolen half of my shoe collection, personal pictures, make-up, jewelry, hundreds of dollars of CD, clothes, money, and so much more!
I don't know if anyone else with ADHD experiences this, but on the topic of advice people give that isn't advice or doesn't work, I find a lot of coping strategies people share don't work very well because they require normal levels of executive function that I just don't have, especially in highly emotional situations like being gaslighted. Emotional regulation is always hard, but when I get gaslighted, there's extra distress and the near death experience level of negative feelings of rejection sensitivity dysphoria. The ONLY thing that works in the crisis moment for me is to hold up my hands, say, "I can't do this with you right now," and leave until i can finish my meltdown in private, then come back at the person/problem by text or email when ONLY I get to talk.
if nobody praised you yet, you deserve praise for being able to keep level headed enough to run away. I haven't been able to several times, especially whilst grieving my mother, left now to deal with the aftermath and the shame that is weaponised against me.
my narc dad did it a lot when I was young, telling me at 15 I was fu**in mad as he drove me to my mums. I'd said I didn't want to love in two houses any more and wanted stability. Mum said it took her 2 years to get over him once she left. Unfortunately my sister and I still have to deal with him but thankfully he's 80 now and retired to France. I imagine I will get great peace once he dies.
live, not love
Very helpful, shows me my mother's crazy lies are actually gaslighting me and explains why I was so disorientated confused and constantly ruminating. Now I don't engage. She can't be honest and will destroy my psyche in the process. Thanks mom but no thanks, keep your rubbish to yourself. Shown her true colours front and centre, I'm very ill physically and she nearly sent me to the nut house with her 'help'!
Absolutely Doc! I remember a couple of times as I finally dared to confront my Ex Narc with evidence of his immoral and disloyal behaviour how he raged at ME and turned the facts around to his benefit and called me dishonest paranoic jealous and screamed that I was the problem because I just didn't trust him! He accused me of respectless investigation and violation of his privacy!!!!😱 He cried and turn to be the victim and claimed that I was unfair to doubt about his great love to me and have no right to come with such accusations😵 He tried to destroy the evidence but I found it in the garbage and gave it back to him as I went away forever.
I committed the mistake telling him that he was a gaslighter and suddenly I felt empowered and started saying to him that I was tired of listening the same thing over and over again and that it was enough and just just walked away and left. Even if you said and now I know that it’s a mistake to tell them that, I felt relieved but I still have a lot to learn from you and this course. Thank you so much for your help! Thanks again, thank you 🙏🏽
Good morning Dr Ramani and everyone.
Gaslighting (to me) is one of the WORST things you can do to someone.
That "Gut feeling" is a life saver! YOU are right, you know you're right, and they tell you "IT NEVER HAPPENED." THEN they tell you to seek HELP from a Therapist, because you're imagining things! Not only is it insulting, but it's CRUEL.
Between Future Faking and the I've had my share. Thank you for this video..❤
Hi jann
How are you feeling ?
@@SamMorganKoch Hi Sam. I'm doing fine. How are you? 💕
@@jannlewandowski5540 Hello jann, good morning 🌞. glad to hear you're doing fine
Merry Christmas 🎄⛄
@@SamMorganKoch Merry Christmas to you, my friend. 👍🎄🎄
@@jannlewandowski5540Good evening jannle , and may God bless you and your family amen. Season greetings
I have been gaslit so intensely and strategically by my ex (grandiose,sadistic,maybe malignant narc, not sure), that I fear that I MIGHT BE THE NARCISSIST !!!! And him, my victim !
And that makes me feel guilt !
Even after literally running away from him (yes,I literally run to avoid giving in to his hoovering,I run down the stairs without looking back), I am still DOUBTING myself!
PLEASE keep doing your work on narcissism until you physically can't no more!Because of folks like you here on TH-cam,all the gaslighting haze has lifted & I can 👀 it play by play🥳🎉🎊.
Until she physically can’t? What a weird ask. How about you wish her to do what makes her happy and what she finds rewarding?
This is the bread and butter of private detective agencies.
Good morning from Jamaica 🙏🇯🇲. Thanks for caring.
I had a aha moment, after a visit from a family member, who I hadn’t seen for a number of years In now realizing that I have been enduring gaslighting at different levels. I didn’t know there was such a thing ! but indeed, that’s what was happening *everything from the simplest(no, you never told me that you have trouble sleeping/ see a specialist for it now 15 years) to I thought you told me I could take 40 years of family photos out of your personal photo box )* For 25 years something was off I just couldn’t figure it out. Then the blatant lies a whole life of lies.! thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do for me
Omg! I loved this for so long. The only difference is if I confronted him not only was I the worst person he also beat me for not getting over the past and throwing one mistake in his face. I would have to start literally repeating text messages off a secret phone I wasn’t supposed to know about for it to stop. And then I was blamed. He was a serial cheater. But also was amd still is carrying on a affair with his best friends wife, amd now I am the worst person in the world I kicked him out amd made him homeless and he has no patience for me can’t stand me. Tried to kill me. And doesn’t deal with normal break up things that need to also separate like banking, bills, accounts , says I won’t give back his stuff. But he stole mine and won’t settle assets properly. I was the only working partner unless I have him a job or my family did. Well I’m going through the hard part of breaking up and trying to heal and look somewhat normal and ok.
Thank u. I hope to be able to forgive myself for "being so stupid" and falling for the lies.
I really believe it's not "stupidity" but a deeply human desire to connect, feel safe, be loved, and even extend kindness to others. The fact that predators are attracted to these traits does not make US "stupid;" it makes THEM evil. They are evil. We can learn to better protect ourselves, but that does not make the situation our fault.
Hi Georgi 🌹, how are you doing today ?
If you show that the behavior doesn’t bother you, the person trying to gaslight you may decide it isn’t worth it. don’t give in to the urge to question yourself - they want you to doubt reality.
Or, if they're really invested, it will force their hand. The worst gaslighter in my life had abused me thirty years previously, when I was a child, and was absolutely desperate to silence and discredit me lest I crack their perfect image. They had one chance and they blew it, because I figured out what was happening and left -- however, as I began the process of disengaging, they panicked and doubled down, took away the car they'd been loaning me to get to work, etc. I still got out. I'm pretty sure they can't sleep at night. Good.
I married a man like this and it was dreadful. Thanks for this as he was a salesman. Met in collage, decided to end it. Got the big job and he eventually convinced me to quit, ... he abused my son verbally and physically and I thought I could manage it. It managed me. Fine today . Single live alone with my grown son. Very happy and very cautious.
I loved this entire video, but the part that REALLY struck me was the part about receiving the guidance of "Just set boundaries" or "just go no contact." OMG!!!! The number of well meaning but uneducated on the topic therapists who have given me this advise.... it's really sad because I felt very powerless... like do they not realize that there is NO setting boundaries with a narcissist? Also, going totally no contact would mean cutting off my entire family... which is a huge ask... I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place because both options (no contact or staying in contact) are painful as hell.
I had to go no contact for my own safety. It was and is hard; however due to the emotional healing made possible by the cessation of abuse, I have been able to make several wonderful friends, some of whom have parallel life experiences. I am an introvert and struggle with social anxiety, so if better connections are possible for me, there is hope for you as well. =)
@@extremeclipper Thank you. I am considering going no contact as well. Working with a therapist on that.
I’ve gotten the, “Wow you look so happy now”, from narc family members *Specifically, when they get introduced to your significant other for the first time. So you’re left thinking wth are they talking about insinuating you were ever not happy and it will also raise questions in your partner’s mind. Very crafty these gaslighters. 🎭
@@maggamoosie801 🎯 most definitely. I’m no contact for a few years now.
I remember when you hit 1m subscribers, now look at you go!
Awesomeness helping so many people heal!! ❤❤
Utmost professional & BRILLIANT !
😮 I just realized my adopted mom is a Narcissist!! It is very upsetting but at least now the puzzle fits together
I was abused by bio mom in and out of homes then adopted at 3 or 4 this adopted mom got money from the gov. I just found out 😮she always acted like I was such a burden. I grew up she put me in hospitals they told her I wasn't mentally ill she didn't listen omg!! The stuff this she's a professor, chairman she put me back in group homes. I grew up to be a addict I was in my home for 17 years unable to go outside, with agoraphobia she said when I was 8 I was a no good addict mentally ill and that's exactly who I grew up to be 😢 this story goes deep I'm 54 with my only child 16 she tried scapegoating him, I've only been free from her a yr, through meditation 😊 I got my first job, I'm able to be around people ❤ I need to write a book the stuff this wan did!! I'm so overwhelmed but at least I know ty Dr Ramani
It took me a long time before those, what could I have done, said, not done, not said, what is wrong with me questions went away. Thank you so much for this video. Those times were terrible. I am so happy to be free today and without false guilt feelings. Those feelings went away. They were not justified. It took some time to work through them. Videos like these removed the handcuffs and leg irons. This is a powerful ministry! Very freeing! Very Powerful!
I am so glad you made it to the not guilty stage. I'm only there cognitively and hope to make it emotionally one day.
@@PhD1986 After retiring and returning to my hometown, I got to see how they are. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what. Then I asked God to show me and one thing lead to another and I began watching Dr. Ramani's videos and I ordered some books on personality disorders. DSM 5, William J Ray Abnormal Psychology, the Lanahan Cases by Kayla F. Bernheim, PH.D. and others. One book I read was written by "the Daughter of a Serial Killer" and she shared how the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The title of her book is the same as the quotation. I really appreciated her testimony. She's a sincere Christian. Listening and learning everyday had helped free me from false guilt for staying safely away. Many people have two are three personality disorders. Looking back, I see how those who gave the most were treated the worse. Giving people things, including love doesn't cure personality disorders.
My God…This resonates so very much with me. Listening, my heart is dropping. I have escaped.
I have been seriously gaslighted in my past by a former spouse and also by a former employer to the extent of causing lifelong disabilities. The hardest part of both for me was feeling hurt that these people I trusted and did so much for would intentionally hurt me, especially for no good or valid reason. I just wanted to get out of their orbit soon as possible. Not easy to do without identity destruction. I didn't want to be put in the position to destroy myself, as it seemed was their goal for me. No way to fight back, just to find a way out.
Well said!❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for taking the time. Best example of gaslighting I've ever seen, publicly, by a Doctor.
This is an excellent segment (as all the other segments) that Dr. Ramani brings up, and tells us. WOW. The gaslighting story is soo real. The handsome, narcissistic guy, or partner has a very shady character, and, us, enamored belles, and Pollyannas, swallow everything they tell them, hook, line, and sinker. The sad thing is, when a Pollyanna came from a gaslighting family, and one, or both parents were narcissists, and, that’s how the Pollyannas were brought up. That’s what’s “safe,” and “familiar,” for the ‘dumb’ Pollyannas. How to break this cycle?
It’s always about placing their negative energy on the person they were lying to.
This story is an excellent illustration of all the not so subtle things narcissists do that leave us feeling crazy. I never question the legitimacy of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors more than when I'm with one, getting redressed about some aspect of my personality... What a relief to be out of that.
Thank you for articulating the dance so beautifully.
On a lightweight note, I remember an early recognition of gaslighting in a 1980s UK comedy series set in WWII France. The bar-owner's wife would catch her husband canoodling with one of his young waitresses, and call him out. His response would always be "You stupid woman!" (can't you see I am comforting Maria after her pet died etc etc) And the wife would go away confused but thinking she must have been being stupid! I don't think any of us had heard the term gaslighting back then - but a lot of the audience could resonate with seeing this behaviour, which is why it was written in.
Allo allo
'ello 'ello
Good Moaning! Ze breetesh airmen are hiding in ze cupboard :D
I always remember seeing such situations on TV as a kid and wondering why that worked. Problem is, I can see now as an adult, it often does work, or at least leaves the target knowing there's no point in arguing. It's exhausting and there's no chance of winning or changing a thing with such a person. 😢
@@cc1k435 same thing with feminism and racism.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for the most impressive & much needed "Heart-Centre" work you have done and continue to do helping to heal the countless tortured souls of the survivors of narcistic abuses around the world. I had the good fortune of watching your brilliant "Turning Off The Gaslight" LIVE broadcast yesterday, 2 December 2023, and will watch this replay video again and again as & when I feel that I need a timely reminder for my self-protection from narcissists and their enablers, flying monkeys, etc. You are truly a 'Living Legend' and a precious & priceless 'GIFT' to the human race. I have watched many of your brilliant educational videos for over a year and continue to watch your new videos as they become available. I have the greatest adminiration & respect for you. I wish you great success with your latest book and sending you season's greetings from London, UK for a joyous holiday as well as a happy & healthy 2024 💗🙏
Dr. Ramani , thank you for including the course on narcissism with the purchase price. Your work means the world to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Beverly.
Yep, they turn the tables, make you feel crazy and want you to beg forgiveness.
You are the best narcissistic expert on TH-cam! You are SO insightful and intelligent and you have an extremely calming and soothing voice. Your channel is 1 of only 2 channels on narcissism that I watch.
My ex-husband gas lighted me. Now my adult daughter does the same. I am struggling with this. I am hoping your book and coarse touches on being gaslighted from Adult children.
This is an incredible deal! Thank you for your generosity, Dr. Ramani! I want this information prophylactically and to help me have clarity in confusing situations. I’ve purchased the book, submitted the form, and look forward to enrolling in the course once my purchase it’s verified. You’re such a gem, and I appreciate listening to not only what you teach but the way you express it: very warm, sincere, and heartfelt. You’re a wonderful teacher and communicator. I wish you were my therapist! 😂
Yes, I agree. I also ordered the Book, completed the form and my thanks to Dr Ramani for your dedication.
Thank you Dr Raman. I've used your words over the last year and a half as immunization and booster shot against my gaslighter. Maybe it would be a great topic to talk about how gaslighters will use it while hoovering as a manipulation to pull you back under their control. It would also be great to talk about how gaslighting and narcissistic abuse affects those who are on the spectrum.
My former toxic relationship partner used my neurodivergence against me I have ADHD and Autism. When I was with him he practically destroyed my ability focus while dealing with him by interrupting me while I was talking and telling me I never said or did something to stress me out, then I'd forget what I was saying and he would then say that what I said was invalid because of my differences. He'd tell me he knew me better than I new myself and I needed his protection because I would be taken advantage of.
When I finally left him, he always insisted on seeing me in person or talk on the phone. When I did he could confuse me enough to make me agree to something that I didn't want.
As a strategy I decided that I would NEVER talk to him in person or even over the phone by myself and stuck to email so everything they said was in writing and on the record. Using this method, counted on friends and hired a lawyer to bare witness when I had to interact with them, and of course followed you to help remind me when I started to gaslight myself, I was finally able to make him stop after a year and a half.
You are doing such important work. Thank you.
💕💕
Thank You so much Dr Ramani for all of your wisdom. You have been of such great help to me. I wish I had discovered you 15 years ago. I am only now realizing the extent of the damage done by my narc ex to both myself and to my now 25 year old daughter. She has been showing signs of NC over the years with me as her supply. I am in the midst of her gaslighting and have had to shut her out. It is the hardest thing, next to leaving her dad, that I’ve ever done.
I’ve been suffering from gaslighting on a daily basis , for at least a month. It’s mercifully going to end soon. I’m so happy there are people like you who inform all of us of Narcissistic BEHAVIOR. At least I’m not a loser.
Hi Danny
How are you feeling today
I am shaking 😢. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
My narcissistic Mother used to claim that she was just a great tease whenever I caught her in a lie. There were many lies. She was very sneaky about money. My narcissistic sister managed to help herself to a lot of Mother’s money only have them not speaking for the final six months of her life. Thank you for helping us recover from these relationships.
Thank you for sharing Dr Ramani. I remember asking my narc about an old mutual friend if they had dated, and he labeled her as someone “he would never consider”.. Fast forward 11yrs later, he suddenly stayed back for two weeks after vacation/family wedding invite, to the islands… I received a text saying that the same mutual friend was bragging that he is “such a teddy bear”.. his family saw and questioned her actions among themselves ( never giving blame or questioning the narcissist).. He definitely gaslighted me!!
I’ve never preordered something so quick in my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life already and I am so excited to get and read your book and dive into this course with you! Thanks for everything ❤
There’s a very good example of gaslighting in one of the audio clips between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Johnny called Travis, then asked Amber “tell him what you just did”…she, as Johnny is talking says “oh, you asked me to do it”…..he said “I said Travis”… she at the same time Johnny is speaking says “Travis, come and save me”…. A distracting or deflecting attempt.. Johnny eventually says “and I watched you lie”…. Then Amber says “I didn’t hit you by the way… I’m sorry that I didn’t hit you in a proper slap, but I didn’t punch you”…. He says “ DON’T TELL ME WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE PUNCHED”…. She softly says “I know, you’ve been around for a long time..I know”…..there was a ton in that interaction.. she at some point mockingly said “I don’t know what the full motion of my hand was”….then no mocking ”but I was hitting you”…. At some point she even said that he wasn’t hurt so he should stop arguing about it… then she said “I’m not sitting here arguing about it am I. You are a big baby. Grow up, grow up Johnny”. All those audio clips were so toxic. They were a real time case study in gaslighting, word salad and circular argument. Very sad and toxic.
Amber is a sick person.
I enjoy you so much, it is so relevant to me world.
I saved this video immediately! 🎉 This is so incredibly helpful!! Dr. R, we are SO GRATEFUL for the work you're doing and these free videos that walk us through our healing!!
You are an incredible human being, and.... so are we!!
Healing is hard but we are all worth it! ❤
40:40 Those fights are possible to be won, BUT it requires unbelievable amounts of patience and mental acuity to do so. Something most people can't bring to the table, even if they want to. And even those that could don't want to, because it is in most situations a complete waste of nerves. It is certainly nigh impossible while you are still completely destabilized from gaslighting, tied to a narcissistic relationship. But the more your self comes together, heals up, and you learn and know about all the nooks and crannies, the possibility can be there. You need a bathtub worth of stoicism to boot, not just a bucket. That they can be beaten has given me more strength and confidence. For the patience and emotional detachment I believe my autism helps me, when initially it was what made me more vulnerable - I have learned to pick up on tonal cues and body language, and it has helped tremendously in spotting bad people early. In chat it works differently, and I'd say there it is that especially autists can gain the upper hand more easily, but the details would require me to write out another page long comment, and if I do that it won't be now. Sleepmeds are already working and I have to watch the rest tomorrow (this soft stuff is the only thing that helps with the PTSD temporarily as well, but I'm not a pharmacist to explain why).
Focus: Why do I believe the autism make more vulnerable initially? Because people are primarily information sources, and we initially trust other people's information. Manipulative people can therefore have it very easy to reel us in, and the concept of a deliberate liar - the most untrustworthy person imaginable - is very foreign initially. That itself is just evil.
When the gaslighting goes too far you can't even trust statements about the weather anymore. Or whether the air smells of cigarette smoke while it is so thick there are streamers around the gaslighter's head and you start asking 3rd parties for whether the smoke is there or whether it is not, or whether the weather is the weather or whether it is not.
Back then, my thyroid took permanent damage from the stress.
Then people told me I blew it all out of proportion and that the person is totally nice and good and would never do such things and that, I kid you not "That's your illness!" and when I asked what the hell kind of illness I supposedly had I never got an answer.
Gaslighters will go so far as to spread claims that you are mentally insane, that you hallucinate, that you are psychotic to other people, just so they will dismiss your critique and complaints, your seeking of help especially. The will put wedges between all your relationships if they can, to isolate you fully until there is nothing left of your life.
My thyroid took damage, but apparently I only imagined it all. Right...
No, I don't think so. There's too much hard evidence.
But a well trained flying monkey, who may even be good at heart, cannot be convinced by such anymore. The idea to have been manipulated that blatantly is scary to them, for it also implies that there may be other people that manipulate them they cannot see - especially when they themselves live in narcissistic relationships to begin with. They will then always make excuses for the narcissistic behaviours of other people - anything else would mean admission that the person they're with... is a bad one.
So much for focus...
Done. Thank you. My husband was telling me today, that we have to somehow reciprocate for all the healing I’ve gone through the past year. I have a new outlook on life and cannot thank you enough. So, thank you again.
I feel sick listening to this story. How nany times I‘ve been gaslighted? The biggest gaslighter has been my mother. Whatever other bad relationships I have had, my mom is a real winner at this gift of gaslighting. Well, at least, she is a winner at something! She is the biigest dissapointment in my life. I do not know what to believe. She crashed my life.
Second this! It's sad to finally realize how she treated my father. He has his own issues, but if he ever figures them out then I owe him a serious apology. Never realized how toxic mothers can be.
My mother is the gaslighted, my father the authoritarian rager. I believed for decades that she felt the same as I did about him. It wasn't true, I was just tau ma bonded to her. Her latest gift when im sick and expressed how hurt I was he doesn't show any interest in how badly im doing health wise, she said "we'll how do you think I feel".. That was my problem, always caring how she felt above how I felt, to have it shoved in my face at my lowest ebb was truly astounding. I was taken aback how cruel she could be
Hi Sanna 🌹
How are you doing ?
Excruciatingly hard for you, I hope you are regaining your power, and consider no contact of at least minimal contact. I have had the same experiece with mother and siblings. The smear campaign is to be expected ; but walking away for me was the only option.
@@soniahathaway1 Hi Sonia 🌹
How are you doing ?
Pretty sure I’ve been gaslit by the same person since we were both young children. My brain is so confused. 37 years knowing a person only to realize I don’t know him at all. But I know him more than anyone! My brain. My cognitive dissonance owns every aspect of my life and I feel so stuck. I’ve been here watching Dr Ramani videos for 10 years learning about narcissism yet my brain still tries to tell me he’s a good guy. I’m finally recognizing (my body has been numb since a child) that my body feels scared when he’s around? I think? My fear is incredibly numb and usually comes in panic attacks that I dissociate from again. I literally just discovered this about myself! But he’s not mean necessarily. God my brain 🤯
I’m tired 😴 but I’m a goddamn fighter
The root of all evil in my life. These people need to be rooted out, exposed and separated. They will stop at nothing to get their way and will destroy their own children to save face and destroy those who stand in their way.
This really is a big thing gaslighting.... in a narcissistic relationship ....it just never stops....from morning to night
Thankyou Dr.Ramani....🙏for your video....on gaslighting....and your new book ...great....... giving myself and others a better understanding....❤️
Oh my goodness! The information you shared was so clear and so helpful. I actually took notes while you spoke. Thank you very much!
Hi Sharon 🌹
How are you doing ?
Always go with your gut. I found I have done so many stupid things to prove my gut was right, when I should have just walked away quietly. Hindsight is 20/20 yet now if I get the hint of gaslighting, I just walk away. No more confrontation or convincing them I know stuff. Just walk away.
Dr. Ramani, You are deserving of a Nobel Prize, no kidding. You've worked hard to enlighten us all about narcissism. You have such a handle on this epidemic of evil, from an educated standpoint and I think from a personal standpoint. According to Mr. Nobel himself, these are the ones who are deserving to win, ""those who, during the preceding year, have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind." Sounds like you to me. Best wishes on your book. I can't wait to read it and attend your gaslighting course. I have been recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. I'm sure the book and course will help me in my healing journey. Thanks, Jeanette
Hi Jeane
I pray for your safety, for your health, for your happiness, and your strength. I pray you never have to suffer the hardship lord will always be there for you in any way possible.
Good morning from Georgia USA 🇺🇸 thank you !♡♡♡
Dr ramani you are a blessing g tohumankind . I just wished I had this information much earlier
Thank YOU!!- for your continued insight on this ❤
Thank you for your webinar 🙏🏻
Wow. The way you describe the story and the way you broke it down and I can so relate so much. I can remember all the gas lighting and sometimes how out of it I was. The gas lighting was so Real and Deep. The ex narc told me several times that he owned me and I will never find anybody else. He still stalks and sends me fake profiles in my fb messenger. NC for a year now. I will NEVER EVER go back. The Narcissist Abuse was Devastating. I have started healing and continue for the rest of my life. Thank you Dr Ramani for giving the knowledge and awareness that enables me to be strong and have courage. You have made an Impact on my Life. ❤️🙏🏾
Bought book, didn't sign up for course YET but did sign up for my "surprise"! Can't wait to get it. Fun! How about a T-Shirt? Then I can say "I have the Narcissism, Gaslighting T-Shirt!" LOL Again, thanks so much. I'm "older" and things need to be easy for me. Navigating your instructions and getting everything filled out and done was "easy-peasy". I feel like I know you. You've changed my life. Have a great weekend Ramani Team!
Was able to watch this live yesterday. Thank you so much from germany! 😃
I've been through this and it was awful. All I got out of it was panic disorder requiring SSRIs.
Happy Holidays Dr. Ramani
Happy healing to everyone
You are not incompetent Dr. Ramani. You are a beast and have helped me so much. Thank you for all that you do! ❤
Thanks for the story. Well told.
Repeating myself but it was such a story of gaslighting and predictable behaviour.
My brothers friend was going through a tough time with his fiancee.
Cold shoulder over the last few weeks. He was desparate to keep her.
He had done anything she wanted. Looks wise I'm told she was good and he seemed ok. He didn't make a large income. Both in thier 20s.
A difference was morals. This kids couldn't lie. Every answer simple. Easily lays his heart out to anyone.
My brother and any friends he had couldn't take watching him abused. I had few friends and those that i had weren't great. It was my birthday and no one was celebrating with me. I was good with that cause at the time showing up would have been so fake. My brother literally dumped this guy on me. We bar hopped through the night but drank little. Back at my place we smoked a joint.
It was there at my place he explained her. How worried he was about breaking up. Her religious family hated him. Said they were unequally yoked. They had met in bible school.
Its a religious thing(unequally yoked). Its like saying we go to the same church but you're a democrat and shes a republican. Oh truth doesn't get involved just feelings for these types.
Anyway i said to him 2 weeks apart, yeah, she is cheating on you.
What do i do, he says any time i call her she lies. Recently only her mother answers the phone.
Really. Perfect. When mother answers don't asked for your fiancee say its her you are calling. Say to her your a person of faith right, its important to you. Let her respond. Than ask is your daughter cheating on me. If she defects just repeat the question till its answered or hung up.
I already know its yes.
They say she is pregnant i won't leave her, he says.
I think you're right she is pregnant but its not your child. That the only thing truly describing her behaviour.
He began crying. We drank some more beers and called it a night.
Met back up with him a few days later and he was a mess. She was cheating with a religious guy approved by the parents. Shacking voice red eyed barely understandable.
Yeah its bad. Real bad. I hate whats happened to you, i said. He starts bargaining and reasoning about things. Than he starts in the regret things. If id only done this
I said to him you know whats really bad about this, the worst thing?
No he says
She is not done with you. She wants to do this to you another time. Mark my words she will call you.
Really. He's all excited.
Yup. But its to continue this. She will get back together with you and dump you again. I think you're going back for seconds. The pain you have right now its going to be literally doubled.
I won't, he says in a weak voice.
I think you will. But I'm going to give you an insight. She will call you saying her current guy is evil and she left him. Give her another chance. Know when this happens she hasn't left him. She will be using him the way she used you.
A year went by and my brother tells me about him. He was shocked that i got him to listen.
She quickly married the other guy. They had a child. Her parents said he was perfect for thier daughter. Equally yoked.
Than he began beating her. Black eyes and stuff.
She calls my brothers friend and exactly as i had said wants him. He lets her talk. After the call he calls her mothers landline. This girls husband answers somewhat confrontational but he persists. You are still married than. Happily the guy shouts back. Good cause she just called me saying you're divorce. She's putting herself out there.
Not a moment of regret and seeing through her. So this is what equally yoked looks like. 2 people hurting each other equally.
She and her parents got to raise that child and she was out of the dating scene in little community 100 miles from the big city. Quiet town that shuts down by 5pm daily. She was miserable but the child had quiet happy life.
What about SILENCE? Can gaslighting be dished out as a form of silence?
As in, when you confront them with something and they just smirk (or stare blankly as though they didn't hear you) ... and just start talking about something else....
- and then when you TRY to come back to the issue, they busy themselves and get annoyed at you for bringing up "the past" (a "past" which never got resolved)...
- and follow that up with bucket loads of Cheerful Pressure...
- and then subtly make you feel unhinged/hypersensitive... but never actually SAY it out loud....
- and FINALLY, when enough time has passed, if you bring it up AGAIN... saying YOU'RE the one who went silent... and scoffing at you for suggesting otherwise 🙃
There are very seldom any full blown arguments with my (suspected) Communal Narcissist life-partner but the relationship feels frightening, confusing, cruel, disconnected and very rageful to me.
After 7 years, I'm just starting to wise up and realise all the love I had for him is gone... bar from my continued admiration for his/our humanitarian work.
I had my own life, rental and money before COVID collapsed my industry but I'm now 100% financially dependent on him, so quite stuck (he urged me to move in with him -- we were broken up at the time... but with Covid raging, I said 'yes').
3.5 years in, nothing is as it seemed. This crushing "SILENT nightmare" is just getting worse. And so I've spent a year educating myself, I've gone DEEP and I'm slowly extricating myself.... but it's soul-destroying work.
* Goalposts are changed on a whim.
* Everything is disavowed.
* No one else sees or says anything (because they're either 'on the payroll' / 'drunk the Kool-Aid' / beneficiaries or out of context).
* I've tried to ask for advice, sense-checking and support from our mutual friends... but get thrown under the bus every time I do (invalidated, dismissed, more Cheerful Pressure).
It's all starting to feel a lot like "THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES"... but I often wonder... 'who died and made HIM King'.... AND 'how did I get cast into playing the role of the invisibilised, emotionally abused 'wife'? 🤔
It certainly didn't START out like this.... Brutalised. Erased. Heartbroken. 💔
I feel like a ghost in a cheerful, very public, humanitarian play - a black & white character in a surreal sea of colour.
Is SILENT GASLIGHTING a thing? 🤔 What is this?
Sounds like stonewalling; a form of gaslighting.
women are good at instigating when men usually ain't want to keep the pot stirring, where silence is better. Resolve comes in a form of detergent.
😮 this is my experience too! Thank you for articulating it so clearly! It's like gaslighting by omission. All twisted mind games. But nothing is fun about it.
The day is better when people realize it takes both creating, and not taking responsibility in part of, as I'm sure it wasn't the instantaneous reason why. Sounds like you're doing everything he or she was now as being the leader, and you were a part of his responsibility, that you have only your silent self now to blame and compete with, as the successful bread winner.
Thanks @@michele0324that's super useful
GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL Dr. Ramani 10,135 days under Narcissistic abuse until I saw the Light thanks to your interview with Lewis Howes. So grateful to both of you.
You’re the best!! I appreciate all your knowledge and support!!!
Your topic today really hits home! Love your podcasts, and listen daily.🙂
Gosh, this is so good. Thank you thank you thank you.
Word for word, dr Ramani. :) Thank you! x
I pre-ordered. Thank you so much!😊
You did a great job for this talk.
Following your content as much as possible. Love it!❤❤❤ Have a great day!🤗🙏
Good morning to you!
Thank you for everything you do for us. ✨💝🙏🏽💝✨
Dr Ramani is an incredible communicator of this subject matter. Concise, pointed, relatable, empathetic. I watch these videos and I feel like I’m being cuddled.
Thank you! Pre ordered and am ready to learn from the best!!!! We appreciate you ❤
Yes. Power , control, domination. You nailed it. Sounds similar to the Roman Catholic Church.
I’m a Catholic but I don’t see that.
@@tonyale749 you have never been married to a Roman Catholic priest , like me
@@tonyale749 I see it clearly. I married a Roman Catholic priest. It’s legal , you know. In our country of free exercise of religion
@@leilagomulka5690 odd, Catholic are not suppose to be married. A few my friends said I act like a Nun… but they never realized the pain that my ex put me through, it is God who is keeping me float.
Thank you so much, I just pre-ordered. Appreciate you.
Thank you Dr Ramani for restoring confidence in myself!
At around 10.41 your expression is priceless, dear Dr.!
This is very validating. Thank you!
JUST PRE-ORDERED YOUR BOOK! Can’t wait for the course!! Thanks Doc!! ❤🎉
I love you and appreciate you Dr. Ramani! Im soooo Excited about this course and your book! Merry Christmas to me! Thank you for being such a gift to the world! You are amazingly wonderful! Love & Blessings Christine
You have helped me so much and i can't wait to get your book
Thanks for everything doc ! You are really a blessed healer.