The narcissist's game of deflection
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - บันเทิง
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 68 | คู่เอก "พระจันทร์ฉาย vs โจนาธาน"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/F3IM3w-XchI/mqdefault.jpg)
“I’m not yelling!” Which devolved into an argument about decibels. Omg.
Oh man.... My husband's favorite line is: I never did that, that's not what happened
Try giving him citrine. And put on a timer. You can thank me later❤
I love this statement:
The projections of a narcissist are confessions!
Absolutely 👍
Along with documentation and proof.
Absolutely ON POINT !!
When you calmly redirect it back to them w/Facts or Documentation they go Crazy & have an outburst of rage & anger !!
I slowly understood that what he was accusing me of he indeed was doing.
Apologizing to a narcissist is a BIG MISTAKE !
Lol they're like "You're right, you were wrong. I ACCEPT your lowly apology." 😂
You can always tell the narc that “you’re sorry they feel that way” 😉
It just adds to their sense of superiority.
However, when i stayed with a friend & realised she was totally off, i just complied until i could get away. Found out later her behaviour was textbook narcissist and my neat and polite habits inadvertently triggered her sense of inferiority.
She wanted to keep me around to punish ongoing, so i had to end the friendship for my physical health.
I apologized for a fight we got in. Trying to make peace. She said “for what?” As in, what are you sorry for? Just to make sure I was the correct kind of sorry.
I learned that it IS A BIG MISTAKE to apologize to a Narc because that apology becomes a weapon that they WILL later use against us. After I learned that, if a Narc demands a apology, I clarify that I myself differ the difference between being sorry and telling someone that I'm sorry from apologizing which I'm not sorry when I do.
When a apology is demanded from a Narc and their enablers and my silence and lack of apology is not accepted by them to let me be, I have walked away telling them not to follow me demanding anything because "I'm not sorry, that I'm NOT sorry!" I've had to do this despite looking like the bad guy because they wouldn't leave me alone nor stop following me demanding a apology.
They project their inner drama and chaos onto you. 📽
No doubt. The manipulator narcissist has a bag of tricks.
Wow, my whole childhood was toxic and characterized by gaslighting, projection, violence. I cant deny how devastating it is to realize that and how my adult relationships make tragic sense
It's been so hard for me to accept these facts as well. But I am working on it.
I began to learn, at 38 yrs old, my parent was not a good human (in my childhood and adulthood).
Only realized it when I saw a real therapist and discovered I was in an Abusive 13 year Relationship (I had no clue...I thought it was "normal"). 💙💜
Try taking a look at Eckhart Tolle.
Maybe a little Allan Watts might help with some perspective. I know that, just like Dr. Ramani, those two have helped me get back on an even keel.
Tragic sense. That's just it.
What I’ve learned: don’t point out any of their flaws, because those become forever talking points about YOU! They’re NPCs I tell ya.
so true
Absolutely 100% true
Omg...yes! I thought this too...they are NPC's😮!
NPC! Woo, that’s interesting concept 😮
Hope that works for me when dealing with.
That's what my youngest adult son calls them! NPC's. He's right! This is truly bizarre.
This is about me. How dare you feel anything.
With the narcissist, this is reverse psychology. You think they need counseling and they eventually make YOU feel you need it! Brilliant!
He recently told me we'll be fine if I get into therapy and sort myself out 😮
In all honesty... We, being the victims, ARE the ones who need the therapy... We DO need to get ourselves sorted out ... That's the only way we'll ever find the pathway out!!
@@reneehouston9865 I agree. Initially, before being gaslighted and manipulated the victims may have had normal, peaceful lives. Once the narcissist comes into their lives, yes therapy is absolutely needed for the victim to cope with these challenges.
When I finally told my family the abuse I've been subjected to my whole life, and asked them for their help in encouraging the abuser, another member of our family, to seek mental health support.
They listened to everything I had to say and declined to help.
As they heard more of my experiences and my earnest hope that they would stand with me, they suggested 😂 maybe I should consider getting some counselling if I am having such a hard time getting over the abusive behaviour. 😂
I told them, I have had years of and spent hundreds if not thousands of pounds in counselling, psychiatric assessment, multiple GP visits - I warmly encouraged them or my abuser to look into my situation and find even one more way in which I could actively seek counselling or support for my own mental health.
Of course they have less than no interest in doing anything 😂
They only want the problem to stop being presented to them. And they know that my abuser lacks any human kindness, concern or ability to change, therefore the rational solution is to join her in suppressing and gaslighting me.
Sad for all of them - but they deserve each other and the abject lack of care they have for each other.
I finally told my family about the abuse I've survived over four decades and the impact that it has on my life, and I asked them to stand with me in encouraging the family member responsible to finally get mental health support.
They heard everything I had to say and agreed that they knew the person responsible was and always had been off and unapproachable as well as erratic. Responsible for feuds and falling out.
When I asked them to stand with me, they declined, which is disappointing but understandable.
Then - then they suggested that if I'm having such a hard time just accepting the situation, maybe I should think about getting some counselling 😂
I told them that I've had years of counselling and spent a fortune on it. I added that if they were concerned for me, they were welcome to look into it and seek further support for me (if I'm the problem) but knowing that they'd find that I've already done every single thing that I can do to support and improve my mental and emotional health.
Of course they won't do a single thing!
In reality, they understand that I am malleable and reasonable and there's a chance of me adapting to a situation with someone who they know is rigid, incapacitated and entirely free from love and care.
Of course it's easier to suppress me than to appeal to her.
Telling my story in the hope that it helps someone else see the patterns and the reasons why.
It isn't you, if you're doing the most that you can do.
What are they doing? Apart from demanding that you change for them?
I got this answer to my point of view on subjects.. "NO NO NO. You are wrong, everyone i talk to agrees with me, so you are wrong and you dont know what you are talking about". My reply was " so now i am not even allowed my own opinions".
Playing a private detective to prouve gaslighting is so exhausting I give up
Even if you finally present them the evidence, they won't even look at it and instead they will call you paranoid, crazy and guilt the hell out of you for "violating their privacy". Not worth it. They won't listen. They won't even acknowledge it
And you can spiral even wurther into self-doubt and rumination in the process..
My narcissistic boos once told me I "don't like being reprimanded."
Unless you're a masochist, nobody likes being reprimanded!
Luckily I realise the problem will always be with him.. I left 100%. Total M.I.A. and happily married today with someone else... Nobody has time for these 2 year old adults!
#heroine
Exactly!!!!
yay. Congrats.
My ex-narcissist would tell me I should get an MRI, because my “behavior” was so “crazy” he was “concerned” I had a brain-tumor. That was toward the end of our 26yr marriage.
“Oh because your life is so bad” I got this daily !! And I never once said my life is so bad yet this is what the narc loved to twist my words to.
Yup, " I just bought you French fries" on our trip home, how can you leave me?
You can’t take a joke was his favorite!
This is the one!!!
His outright LIES 😢 My GOD. He alienated my son against me when I left him. Totally unforgivable
Same with this narcs. He so passive aggressive. He likes to sport f'uk.
I used to project good intentions into narcissists. Not making that mistake again..
Its always opposite day . Accusing me of doing to him what he just did to me.Crazymaking at its finest.
Cant fix that kind of thing. Its a walk away. Deal breaker from hell.
My manager accused me of being difficult to work with, sent an email later to apologise to the team when she showed her real face. Then i was targeted as her scapegoat, cries at the turn of a hat, and told a colleagues she knows she will get her way when she cries. Ive never seen someone with so many different faces. Thank goodness Im out of there.
"You're not allowed to feel that way. You can only feel how I TELL you to feel."
"You'll never amount to anything. You're a no-good, crazy, mixed up kid."
"Your memory is faulty. Things didn't happen the way you said they did."
"What's wrong with YOU for talking back to me? You know I'm always right."
"If you don't do EXACTLY what I tell you to do, I will WRITE you out of my will!"
"I've never hated you so much in ALL my life!"
Those were things I heard often growing up with a malignant narcissist father and a borderline personality mother.
Yes. It makes me sooo angry.
I am so sorry. I heard many of those things too, variations of them. My father is the nasty narc, and my mother definitely has BPD. My sibling is deeply narcissistic, antisocial, and sick too. I relate to you completely, and I know how hard that must have been to grow up with zero care, consideration, guidance, and love. Those demons didn't beat us though they tried their hardest to. We were thrown in impossible situations, and our parents should never have had children. We made it. With all the scars, we're still standing.
Hugs and high fives to you.
Narcs don't say "I think you are..." They state it in absolute terms of fact.
Do not say “narc”. Please.
So true, it is always that ''they know", annoyingly
Psychic readers. 🙄
My ex had a thing about accusing me of being angry. I was only impatient and fed up with how uneccessarily argumentative he was.
I realise later he was deliberately antagonising me all the time - he was the hostile one, not me.
This narc partner "sport flub"
It is called narcissistic baiting
Me too but it’s my wife
@user-ie3ld8dg3b I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck in a negative situation. Mine is "ex" because he turned against me at a certain point & was doing all he could to sabotage & hurt me & it just got worse and worse until I couldn't go on mentally in such an emotionally abusive situation, so I steeled myself and ended the marriage- which he also turned into long battle. And has never stopped trying to hurt me emotionally, even after he got remarried.
To be away from abuse is so peaceful.
I hope you have some healthy ways of helping and protecting yourself emotionally.
Yup, similar.
“I think my recollection of events greatly differs from your’s.”
I remember the smirk on my narcissistic father's face when he accused me of being angry, and I told him to stop gaslighting me. So it was projection which is even more telling. He was angry.
23 min in - when I found out my partner was cheating I played a recording to him when I had enough of the lies - of him with her in our house, and while it was playing on the car radio, he lost his cool, told me I was crazy, and still denied an affair (despite the clear audio captured) and told me to go pack my bags and leave and said he’d call the police for abuse from me. I’m just realising now that this was a type of emotional abuse stemming from covert narcissism. Wow. The story got far more insane than this, and continues today.
It’s insane that even a year and a half after that particular event I am still so confused and even still question whether I am the narcissist and I guess, as you say here, he holds the power and therefore the reality. Even after the affair and leaving me, he still says it’s my fault and doesn’t think he has done any wrong. I am the one at fault, while I’m still here almost two years in and as lost as ever.
Why on earth do you think you are in the wrong?? Try to be happy that you are no longer subjected to his abuse
The triangulated dynamic thrives in a family with poor communication. Sometimes I MARVEL at how little is expressed when an action is required!
Agreed. The most bizarre thing I saw in my hubs family is how they will never sit down together and talk things out. They much more prefer the chaos, misinformation, and division.
There is usually more than one narcissist in those families and those who speak suffer terribly, are each single time gaslit and aggressed and have to deal with a gang.
The narc is lazy.
@@shainanash8518 That's because they are only feel goods, why would they do anything they had to put work into? Smoke and mirrors!
I began to ask family members to explain what they meant, as if I didn't understand the veiled implications
I wish I could say that it "worked" - it just left these cavernous silences
But it might have worked for me - because it meant breaking free from the family pact to not question and not think outside their own system
You are so articulate and I really appreciate the thoroughness of your videos.
Flying monkeys are very hurtful, it might be the lasting device to make healing improbable.
When I found at 54 the triangulation with my flying monkey sister and mom I went no contact
Omg… so many areas here hit home… spent 10 years in this hell… the good news is my eyes are now opened and I’m getting out! Thank you!!!
“I didn’t mean it that way!” “I was talking about people from my whole life.” When asked what they meant by passive aggressive comments.
I spent the first year and a half of my only marriage telling my wife she saw me different than i am. Then i realized she was doing it on purpose.
I didn't argue anymore. I got quiet like you do when someone is arguing in pure ignorance with no room to learn.
I thought I'd just walk the walk, so i did that. They sabotaged my accomplishments by always having more to prove.
They used my vulnerabilities that i offered them as opportunity to wound me later.
My ears rang for months into my therapist told me why. I had ptsd from her withholding and constant redefining us to mean less and less
The narc states w confidence...."I did nothing wrong!"
People, please stop saying “narc.”
You have Saved Me From a Lifetime of Pain. I honestly can not find the words to describe the impact you have had on my life Dr. Ramani. I have watch your videos over and over again... until I could absorb the meaning behind your words and fully process them. I have the chills watching your videos. It feels as though you are speaking Directly to me or you have some sort of psychic power to know exactly what I had gone through with an abusive narcissist that nearly destroyed me. You enabled me to articulate my thoughts, feelings and experiences at the hands of an abusive narcissist that I could not do otherwise. You really are Saving Lives. Thank you will never be enough !!
I would often feel that my Narcs 'Projection' onto me was another indirect way of confessing his whatever, whether cheating or lieing or his space etc. 🍒
I just stayed quiet and let her tell (project) me everything she was up to..
It was so weird being accused of things I didn't do...
Twilight zone for sure..
This!!
Never date a trial lawyer! I’ve dated 2 now and they are some of the worst narcissists I’ve ever met in my life!!! Talk about a total mindf*ck 🤯
Thank you for this wonderful video and all that you share Dr. Ramani ❤
My narcissistic husband is constantly bickering and looking for drama. I told him I can't give him that. He still doesn't get it!
In the past, I would have gotten into a long winded argument of why the projection was wrong, inaccurate, explain my position, and even defend myself until I came across narcissism. I think sometimes we know that the things that the narc is accusing you of is really what they themselves are doing/feeling, etc, but we feel like we need to react to it. These days when I suspect I am being projected at, I don't bother engaging as there's little point in trying to - if you do, you end up tying yourself up in knots over it and getting upset/angry and that's what the narc wants.
Once you see, and learn, these things...it's truly eye-opening, awakening, and saddening.
I can spot it, but i have difficulty in NOT bringing it to their attention (which either causes them to become angrier, or falls on completely deaf ears) 😔
I will never forget how I was asked so often: Why are you so angry?
I was always confused about it, because I felt so much mor, but angry was not the way I felt at all.
Fighting followed so often ...
So many other things ...
Projection bothers us because it is a LIE. A lie is the Bally wick of the Evil One. It is the complete absence of Good or Love.
My mom don’t like it when I bring things up and tells me to drop it or your life was not that bad or other people had it worst
Minimising
During that time when he was projecting things onto me almost drove me crazy
I escaped "mentally" from him. He sport f'uks".
The triangulation... THAT PART... hit real hard
No matter the issue, the first reaction of my hub is an insane mental gymnastics to prove 7 degrees of separation from blame and never just a solution.
We can become a united community front by pulling each other out of these situations. We need a charity that runs safe-houses for victims of narcissistic abuse. Enough of this garbage they throw our way!
HEAR-HEAR🎉 Absolutely 💯 %
@@pamwhitehouse5961 So the question is, then, how do we go about doing that in an intelligent, communal way? I can name the need, but I don't personally know how to do that. If you (or anyone else here) does know how, please speak up! ❤
I find it so comforting to know that I was gaslighted by my mother and see that I ended up gaslighting myself. I realized this 20 years ago. I didn't know it was a thing. Thanks to Dr. R. I understand it all now. I now know why I made the mistakes I have made. It's not me.
My sister reached out at one point to acknowledge parental abuse and I thought she recognised the roles and planned to move on and behave better.
It turned out she was using me as a pawn in a triangulation game, hoping the parents would be nicer to her.
I was the original scapegoat, so she used me as the usual punching bag once she thought i was hooked on staying friends with her.
I refused to play the game, so she cast me as the bad sister (again- the black sheep) for refusing her olive branch.
Now she's gone on to pretending she comes from a loving happy family background with a wonderful father when she lived through a reality of being the invisible child in a family where the father was a monster abusing one child he was fixated on & who was also scapegoated.
I was notallowed to speakfor 53 years
Just when I think, out of fanciful thinking, that I have "psychological-knowledge" chops, I listen to the real thing: Dr Ramani. Would I kid you? NO.
She's a pro, AND she's one with a great approach about a subject matter that is here, there, and everywhere.
When I first encountered projection, it hurt. I was baffled that he could see me that way. Once I realized that his projection was all about him, I did take it as an indication of his own behaviour/thinking. It's not me. Now, it still annoys me a little bit, but I just use it as a guide to avoid provoking his rage.
I just went through this this morning with an emergency with my pet. So so true. And everytime I bring up something he doesn’t admit to he’ll say bullsh** then later trying to make me look like the bad guy.
My Narc once said to me that it cost too much in travelling for me to keep going back to mine to check on my Cat!
@@cherrybacon3319 I’ve had similar. If I want to go do something when he’s not with me he’ll say what are you doing that for, that’s a waste of gas when you could be doing something more productive. They think it’s all about them so they can try and control us.
When they accused me of something I question myself and my motives. They made me uncomfortable and say to myself that I might be wrong and less than. I was afraid at times of leaving my children with them. As it turns out I was proven right. I really don’t talk to them anymore. I have much more peace.
So spot on. It’s uncanny. Thank you .
Just leave. No reason to lose your sanity. They are charlatans, all of them. There is no hope for them, but there is for you ❤
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. I did not even realize I needed healing and my mother was a narcissist. I am happier than ever, thank you so much.
My husband told me he will stop talking to me he will block me if i keep repeatedly ask him to take responsibility of our new born baby!!!
😢
Take care of your child because he won't. The safety of your child is more important than trying to make him be a responsible adult. It won't happen. When you need a break, trade childcare with a friend or find a babysitter. Good luck!
Who is the real baby? He doesn't DO responsibility.
@templehansen6072 yes you are 💯correct my child is my objective in my life. I had walked away from that marriage. I'm now a single parent I'm independent I work I look after my child. We are safer we are happier we are living peaceful in our little world far away from a selfish sickening narcissist husband. It was not logic that I must beg him to fo his duties I got fed up of his games. I know what I went through.
Wow, this is so needed to be talked about! 🙏🏼
both my mother and father have all their lives been the queen and king of gaslighting and guilt tripping even now that they are seniors. For a long time I felt everyone else's story, opinion, experience and ideas matter but mine are irrelevant and extra, even as an adult; even though I was a very hardworking and talented student and always a top performer at work, and not shy, but did not count my ideas worthy and probably that's why turned out a perfectionist or hardworking to fill a gap or make up for my flaws that I did not even know what they were, and thought my parents know I am not enough, so they must be right, I am full of flaws.
Hey let me ask you one question if both of them are narcissistic. How they treat each other ? 😳
This is one of the traits that drive me INSANNNEEEE
Ì used to work with a church ministry leader who is routinely verbally abusive to the vulnerable people she is meant to be supporting and to the staff she is meant to be leading. When the victim of this abuse reacts, she doubles down, smears, bans and finally exiles the victim. If the victim is willing to apologise for things they have not done, she allows them to stay. Her projection helps to 'break' the victim so that she can humiliate and control them.
Oh my gosh Dr. Ramani nailed it, I've experienced them all. I'm so glad I have 2 of your books, Thank You so much for everything you do. ❤
I've seen triangulation used to try to isolate you. The narcissist says that a person they no you care about has expressed a poor opinion or you, or only spends time with you out of obligation or has some defect that makes them lesser (so any support they give you doesn't mean anything). I've even seen one physically steer person A away from person B at a party, so they can't interact, because A and B would support each other and they don't want either of them getting that support.
It took me sooo long to understand triangulation. I just kept thinking that no one wanted to spend time with me because it never occurred to me that someone would try to isolate someone to make themselves more popular. It can be so hard to understand that people fundamentally see the world differently than you - in a non-formalized way. For example, it is easy for me to understand why a christian, a hindu, buddhist, jew or a muslim would see a situation differently based on their formalized beliefs (or a capitalist vs socialist vs communist) because these are formalized frameworks and understanding which framework is influencing someone - and to what extent, you have a starting point from which to delve deeper. With narcissism, it is like trying to dig in shifting sand. There is no bedrock, so everything can change randomly and seemingly without a pattern. It is life altering to realize that the chaotic randomness IS the pattern. You can predict what they will do, because their choice in the moment will be based on external factors in their life at that moment. Do you have something they want? They may cooperate and treat you well. Did someone cut them off in traffic on the way over? They may unload their anger on you, but blame it on something you "did wrong". Not realizing that the chaos comes from them and is not triggered by your failures is necessary to protect your sanity.
What about the inner turmoil we feel when they abuse us but feel abused. When we think there's no way out because we feel guilty to leave them and go away.
16:11 One of my roommates/coworkers constantly says that he tells me things when he never does. He often says "you just cant remember" "you are so forgetful" " you are in denial, or you're lying" "do you ever forget anything?" I've been keeping track of our conversations at work and at the house or i straight up avoid the dude. Finally got him on recorder of making workplace threats of getting me kicked out or fired.
However, terms of gaslighting the person says they told you something or something that happened when it never has and they push for you to accept their reality and events.
My ex who is most likely a narc:
-Lots of talking about how much money he has, driving skills, and grand dreams of being a millionaire
-Blamed the college for not understanding that he left school for the first few weeks after had a car accident (and was thankfully not physically hurt) while he neglected to tell anyone.
-Blaming and getting extremely angry at his friends for, maybe, causing him to be sick and ruin valentines for us.
-“You won’t find a better guy like me”
-*break up convo- he asks what he did wrong to do better. I point out that he comes across at times as if he is better than others. His response when I ask for the same criticism
“I need someone who is a more mature communicator”
-And many times of trying to explain away his emotional reactions and actions with logic. This often came when he realize he did something wrong and/or when I pointed it out.
-Apologies followed by “But understand I…”
Two friends who played every gaslighting trick when I brought up their actions making me feel like a third wheel when with them:
-“Perhaps you feel that way because *explains away my emotions”
-“You are trying to make your self the sole victim when that isn’t the case”
-“I apologize why are you still mad at me?”
-“We tried to work this out but you refused to compromise/ find middle ground”
-“I see what kind of person you are and I feel bad for *two people in the past who have hurt me, one of which being my ex”
-“We tried to fix this but clearly you are too stubborn and amateur. Grow up”
-“I want to alleviate/resolve the situation”
-“I’m going through other stuff so that’s why I may have given a bad vibe” *yet doesn’t realize it was what they said was the issue, even after explaining it to them
-“You are also in the wrong” *asks how so. Is met with silence
-acting in a joking/nonchalant manner, such as burping, when talking/ getting emotional about your feelings
*after telling them I want a break since we continued to disagree and was emotionally exhausted.
-“A break isn’t going to help anything, that so stupid. We’re not going to wait around for you to welcome us as friends. We are all adults and idk why we can’t resolve this and not get frustrated like last night”
-“If that’s what you want go ahead but don’t expect us to forgive you and reach out and respond when you reach out” and “We were really just looking out for you and it just feels like you’re potentially taking long time friendships for granted”
Followed by more texting and
-“If you don’t respond to us we will assume you don’t want to be friends anymore”
I got so frustrated with their back to back victimization, denial, twisting of the truth, and claims of wanting to resolve things, even when I said all I wanted was an apology and reassurance that they wouldn’t continue acting that way, never came/ expected me to apologize for their feelings. They continued texting me and want to continue talking after I didn’t accept their insincere apologizes. This caused me to at times talk over them at times during calls, which I in the moment and apologized and explained why I did it, and raise my voice. Yet, when I asked for a break in the situation they didn’t respect it.
In the end I learned that it doesn’t matter how you act or what you say in the situation, they will use whatever they can to make you feel like the problem and them the victim.
I divorced my narcissistic first husband and it turns out I'm married to another - really can't cope with this any longer. He always manages to project onto me until I'm totally confused and doubting myself. No wonder I have no confidence left!! 🥺
I was with two men like this and decided to date a man totally different from the men I usually was attracted to. He’s nerdy and a math genius. We have twins and he loves us to pieces. He’s not perfect but who is? We’ve now been together 24 years.
My boss acts like an angry troll and when I question if I'm in trouble or make a verbal note that I was confused about my warning for attendance when I literally have not missed a day. She says "You are making a big deal out of nothing" serious gaslighting.
I couldn't agree more with the phrase: "Let me tell you what you SHOULD FEEL like.."..😂😅It is like telling a 3 years old to go to the restrooms 🚻 to pees or 💩 while he doesn't feel ready to do so.. Period..
This was so incredibly difficult to deal with. He would deflect so quickly and so smoothly. He got me thinking that I was mean and crazy for being kinda mad he drove under the influence with kids in the car. Suddenly the focus was all on him being the victim of my emotions and the consequences of his crime were not ok because I apparently crossed his boundaries by needing space 😮 jesus...
I love this, #DrRamani. These terms are so important to know. Your work is transforming lives!!!! ❤
🌹🌹🌹🌹
Omg ): every single type of gaslighting example is exactly what my family has done to me my whole life. Thank you for the waking me up ):
I'm so exhausted from these projection and gaslighting attacks ... the manipulated attacks from everyone he sends to attack me ...the lies are so horrible !! As much as I understand that this is his issues but it hurts and taking the high road gets so old . I do pity him and feel sad for the whole situation 😞 😢💔💯‼️
Please leave. I didn’t find peace and strength until I did.
He doesn't deserve your pity.
@micheledietrick265 I did and that's when he started the biggest smear campaign on the planet ( in my world) lies, attacks , court cases you name it ... he's manipulated some of my family friends and it's so hard forme to stay grey rock silent ... it's all very sad and so hard mentally emotionally 😪 I never really thought he would treat me this horribly. I'm out but still having to deal with him.
Yes they create the problem, then blame you for it. I'm fully aware of these.
One of the 'leaders' in Dayspring cult was an employee of a government counselling centre (or connected in some way, I can't remember now) who had someone call me saying that my son was concerned for me. I told her that my son was in a cult and that he was the one who needs 'counselling'. My son would never have thought about doing that, the cult was clearly behind it. I don't think the cult knew I knew where she was employed. All based on lies.
The gaslighting coming from the narcissist’s insistence that I did/said something that I KNOW I did not…. Ugh!! … I think he believed that some of his dreams were actual events. I once told him (under-the-radar-sarcastically) that maybe I was in the middle of a psychotic break at the time, as I absolutely have no memory of the event he is so sure happened. He had the audacity to agree! 😳😖
On the flip side, he conveniently did not recall several interactions with me in which he was inappropriately physically invasive, and/or extremely verbally abusive. The memories of these events are burned so irrevocably into my nervous system that they still cause me significant distress more than a year after his death.
I have been working on these issues, and I’m gradually healing.
Yesterday, I finally decided that I no longer have to protect his reputation among our family members. Although I do not feel the need to broadcast these stories right now, I will no longer actively suppress them.
Here’s a classic: “What the hell is wrong with you??!!” Uhhh…YOU?!!! 😅 which would be the correct answer for future reference!
Sheesshhhh this the one!!!
I love it when Dr. Ramani goes into professor mode! This was a really illuminating and helpful video. Thank you.
Oh I’m Angry at my Narc mom. No false accusation! The issue as with all narc’s is how they take your justifiable anger at their toxic behavior and run to the pity party and use it against you. It makes me even more 😡!
I am sure I am not the only one who have experienced this in a corporate environment but I recall that brutal environment. I started going home calling her "the Purana" after that movie.
0:22 Projection
14:43 Gaslighting
33:39 Triangulation
Yeah, they did a doozie and I now hate my parents, thanks alot, there is no fixing that and I can't honor that. They kicked the love out of me. Thanks.
This was absolutely one of your best videos for me and it has helped to remind me of things I didn't think about such as the guilt that if they have been guilty of causing you pain it is better to just dismiss you and completely discard you.
I had a narcissistic leader. The saddest thing for me is, a lady whom was leaving said to me that it was fantastic working with me and I didn’t trust her and kept quiet and she repeated it and I said I heard you and carried on working and she said loudly to someone whom she knew was like a mouthpiece to the leader Goodbye saying her name.
I wish I could take that back. These leaders make fools of everybody. I wish I dealt with this leader because he destroyed many lives, even the ones in the triangle.
I worked under this environment coming in to Sharis Restaurant as an Assistant Manager in training over one Manager. The first night I walked in and met the staff she was already gathering with the other employers one by one whispering and talking about me. She told everyone I was the new Manager. Not the Manager in Training. Then no one started training me and from the beginning she told her eyes at me while looking at an employee with grunts and groans. Every attempt to make me look stupid. It was a very uncomfortable environment from day one. I went through a 6 month training at Stanfords Restaurant that was so professional. Step by step from the Hostess stand and reservation desk to the profit and loss system that showed when guest flow went up and guest flow went when it started to go down, every aspect of it was taught by an amazing GM names Lori Anderson at the Stanfords in Lake Oswego. Leaving and going to another store wasn't as great. So yes one store in the restaurant hospitality industry can have a huge difference and a huge impact on your own success. One person within a company can create a horrible environment.
Blessings, thank you! ✨️
If you feel confused by what someone is insinuating....stop listen and learn! Thank you Dr R ❤🎉
"I choose to forgive you " is my sister-in-law's famous phrase. 🤷 For what?? For YOUR word salad attacks on me?? I've learned to remain silent, bite my tongue, and let her words go in one ear and out the other. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
Gaslighting tagline from my sister: “The reason I lose my temper and yell is because I love you so much. I have more emotions when I interact with you, so I can’t control them. You mean more to me than other people. That is why I lose my temper with you and not them.”
My mother often likes to remind me that mental illness runs in my father’s side of the family. She blames me for all the problems in the family. She says “ our family is shattered because you won’t go to therapy”. I once asked her to go with me to therapy, and she replied “you go and I’ll pay for it”.
If you went they'd probably want you to bring your mother at some point.❤
Oh, she still projects on me AFTER the discard! I see it for what it is now, thanks to the wonderful Dr. Ramani.
So gaslighting goes beyond projection.
Projecting could be restorative but gaslighting moves it out beyond into a decision to action to trick?
Yes to trick us !!
my personal favourite is : I'm a nice guy...if you hear that' run!!!
Did I get the definitions correct? The discard speech: "I did say we would travel together after the vacation cabin was built (gaslighting) but you have always been angry (projection) since you had those failed pregnancies 25 years ago (rationalization). NOBODY likes you (gaslighting). My buddy said I don't have to deal with your anger (projection + triangulation). That's why I am filing for divorce tomorrow (rationalization)."
Thank you, Dr Ramani!
When I finally understood projection, I came to realize the accusations the X lodged at me and our kids actually told me what behaviors he was or had been engaged in.
After a particularly heinous fight that ended in me crying and then disassociating, my nex told me to record her, because she didn't say the things I said she did, and wasn't acting as bad as I said she was. So the next huge fight, I did record her, and she attacked me for it. After settling down, she wouldn't watch the video and demanded I delete it. Interesting.
Sounds painfully accurate
My friend and I were talking about this the other day 😂 It's funny how all the problems are someone else's fault, but not their fault. I was bipolar 😐
Everything is spot on Dr Ramani. Thank you ❤
This is exactly 100%.What i've been dealing with with my friends. thank you for putting it into words so that we can keep up and protect and heal ourselves. Thank you, Dr. Ramani