A black man sharing insights about the psychology of attachment. I am so happy to see this! For sure a channel I am going to recommend to people who are sensitive to representation.
This!!! 💯 My now ex decided he was going to stop loving on me because he figured that it would make me chase him 😳🫠🫠🫠... Like I said, my now ex ✨ #ilovememore
5 signs an avoidant loves you... 1. All of a sudden he/she will ignore you, all communication will cease and you will wonder if he/she is alive or dead. 2. When you are with them you can tell their mind is somewhere else. They are always moving on to the next thing even when you are right in front of them. 3. You can't bring up any emotional topics, ever. 4. They will make you feel alone... and eventually you will be all alone. 5. They always come back. Usually acting like nothing is wrong... it may be a few days, a few months or a few years yet they always come back. Remember: They love you 🙄😂😂😂😍
@@Anonymous-ze2mu It is. lol The crazy part is that I was with her for 12 years and we both went through a lot together but after a couple of weeks to think, Im not wondering if it was simply a trauma bond. I don't know. It's confusing because we're both older in our 40's and it gets lonely as we both don't really have friends and just worked well together
@jamie-r2034 I think take the lesson and move on. I was only in the dating stage and I felt like iv been on a bad rollercoster ride which then broke down and left me ganging upside down 🤣🤣🤣 What did you learn from your connection?
Losing them hurt, no question. But when you get on the other side of that pain, you will understand and see what you were losing and it wasn't them at all. it was losing yourself to the facade they call a relationship.
this is the core wound of avoidants. they do not know how to have a healthy interdependence, typically because they attract codependent people. People in healthy relationships don't "lose themselves" -- what a cynical outlook
@@hsamzsdSometimes secure people can be attracted. Avoidants can seem “normal “ at times. Even secure persons can become anxious and temporarily lose themselves in trying to thrive in the relationship. Difference is secure people eventually realize the futility of it all and escape.
I can’t disagree with this. Long term relationship and DA basically cut me off and ran. No idea why, she would not tell me. Thought we would be married, Ha! It had been 18 months of no contact. Then she sent me a birthday card, but won’t talk or respond. So weird. DAs are nut cases , don’t bother with them, they will eventually destroy you.
I'm a secure attachment person who talked to multiple times then distanced myself from someone I considered borderline avoidant. I hope the Universe carries him the rest of his healing journey.
It is very sad that they have to lose you to realize your value to them. What a regret. As an old person, I'm happy to have no regrets. I gave our relationship my all. I am healing and moving forward, but sometimes I think of the good times we had. Sad.😢
It's been a month of no contact & I know he has regrets. I started therapy/counseling 5 months ago. I'm moving forward with understanding. No second chances. This relationship was harder than my long term relationships when I was younger. Even my 7 year marriage in my 20's. I've grown, I'm happier alone. I'm going to take a year off from dating again. I have home projects and my pets to keep me busy.
This is so true. My FA ex would do anything for me as long as his feelings were not involved. Fears and a sense of obligation being a people pleaser led to his monkey branching. He still wanted to be friends. Nope. I let him go without drama. NC forever for me. I empathize with him. No jealousy on my part because I know who I am. It’s been a year since he left. I have healed thru inner work and moved on. I watch videos occasionally to never go back to avoidants. I realize I deserve better. I realize that since I am secure, I deserve a partner who is secure and able to commit. I sincerely hope my ex FA is happy with his life. He is basically a good and decent person. I hope he seeks help for his own sake.
My avoidant close friend disappeared for 11 days…can back apologized, admitted to being embarrassed for disappearing, admitted to not having the words to tell me why they fell off and even agreed to give me a heads up next time. Literally 48 hours later they disappeared again. I finally gave them boot for good. It’s emotionally draining and hurtful.
Exactly, it is not our job. Even though we probably worked like it was for 2+ years. After this last time, I just felt free (like what about Bob movie when Dr Marvin yells, I’m free). Do not let anyone suck the life out of you ❤
I truly love how u explained this matter without it being long drawn out just accurate straight too the point and meaningful. Thank u because this summed up my ex to the core. He is all of the above I don’t hate him in actual fact I forgive him for his behaviour because he is hurting more than me deep down, when he got so close to me I could see him backing away through fear and I cannot keep nurturing and reassuring someone I was starting to question me and losing my self worth so I am glad for the outcome although it hurt like hell.
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
Man. Heartbreak is tough. It took me a couple of years to get over my divorce, and I’m the one that divorced her. It will get better. It will take a lot of time though. In the end, all will be better.
I left my narcissistic husband, a truly horrible marriage and met a wonderful man a year later. An avoidant man. Such a wonderful man in the beginning but slowly the red flags began to show and he felt like a narc but not exactly. Manipulation, ghosting, he cheated etc. I feel so drained. Im exhausted. I no l,onger want to date anybody
No longer talking because I've been blocked on everything. I wasn't mean or abusive in any way. I appreciate everything she brought to my life, especially the healing journey her leaving put me on. I wish her nothing negative. We were friends before we got romantic, now less than that.
This compelling video brings back terrible memories of my recent breakup after four years of dating. My dearest friend made the decision to go, and I was left with an inexhaustible hurt. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him, much as I keep trying to make amends. I'm frustrated. I want to write about how much I miss him here because I can't seem to get him out of my head.
Yes frustration is key word -my experience for several years -yhey never change/fix it -they just do it to you again in a different way and leave you mentally exhausted time and again and always frustrated. Give all that devotion and love and energy/ appreciation and be kind to yourself instead. Saves you years of just getting taken for granted
Then don’t start a relationship, you’re responsible for your behavior. You know how you are so that ,makes you guilty and irresponsible when you fake and rip someone’s heart to pieces. Plain and simple take accountability
Is there an avoidant person that actually feels that they posess a "themselves"?? Mine ran from every element of themself, using substances to keep "the self" as numb as humanly possible. If you asked me in everday terms, there was no self, only chaos and self sabotage.
Yes this, mine was pure chaos, drugs, alcohol etc. It started amazing, she turned it into a monster show. She called from an unkown number and it was her best friend fishing me if i have a girlfriend two nights ago after going NC, i feel so sorry for her.
He described me in this video. My feelings were genuine but my brain ruined the relationship. I always found an excuse to fall back. Months later and she finally moved on but I'm still waiting. This will turn into years
Like you being the avoidant? Could you describe what kinds of thoughts go through your mind when you feel like pulling back, or maybe what triggered those thoughts? Thanks
I thought I was her true love, she was with him 9 years, with me just over a year before it all dawned on me that I must have been the rebound. She possesses so many narc traits Im shocked and it hurts.
It's so hurtful...but how will the ever realize if they jumped into another relationship. I caught my ex 2weeks after our breakup with another woman. Now people see him around his city with someone else. I miss and love him so much. We did everything together. I chased him wanting an explanation until the day I saw him with someone and haven't spoke to him since. He was embarrassed that I saw him because of who he was with and he said things to try to hurt me...but couldn't. I was more embarrassed than anything.
what happens if they swallow pride and admit all the thing you mentioned to the person and make real effort to try and heal even If share it scared them etc. I find this all so fascinating
WHEN SOMEONE PUTS YOU IN A SITUATIONSHIP BUT CLEVERLY STARVES YOU BUT UNAWARE TO YOU IS SLOWLY TRYING TO BREAK YOU DOWN BIT BY BIT BY BIT -WITH CONFUSING COMING AND GOINGS - AND FINDING OUT MUCH-MUCH LATER (COS THEY ARE SO GOOD AT CLEVERLY KEEPING SECRETS HIDDEN WITH A DOUBLE LIFE AND KEEP YOU IN THE DARK. THEY TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE YOU DIDNT EVEN WILLINGLY PARTICIPATE. (YOU CANT WORK OUT EXACTLY WHAT IS THE SITUATION/PROBLEM/CIRCUMSTANCES THEY WEADLE/DRAW YOU INTO AND THEN GO SILENT/REAPPEAR BUT MINE WAS ALWAYS AT A DISTSNCE SO PREVENTED -(CHANCE TO COMMUNICATE - WHICH WAS NOT CLEAR AT FIRST BUT IN THE LONG RUN -YEARS LATER CRUEL AND PUNISHING NEVER APOLOGISED IF REALLY RUDE/OR FIX DAMAGE DID. GAVE IT TIME SO YOU WOULD FORGET THE HURTFUL STUFF AND NON-EXISTANT BUT VERY EXISTANT HOT AND COLD -IMVOLVED BUT NOT INVOLVED
2.5 years and boom 2 weeks ago, he said it was all about sex for him. His few friendships are all drinking people. Im a nurse and work. I will miss him,but hes got issues. The pain is the worst.
Literally nothing. It's hopeless. They will flip it around on you and believe you were the problem. They need to understand that there's something wrong with what they're doing on their own, otherwise, they'll feel controlled.
What if they rebound a month later? i didn't know about this avoidant stuff until after its the way she ended it to the tee. I kept bothering her after she wanted space and i'm an anxious attachment and was going crazy trying to make sense of what happened. I was so good to her and 4 months post break up i still can't stop thinking about her. She blocked me on everything and had her new man block me just recently. Nothing makes sense to me. Will she ever reach out again? i know rebounds never last it's a coping mechanism because she is not strong enough to deal with her emotions, but it hurts even more finding out she has a rebound after she said she is never single for long and needed to work on her mental health to be in a relationship and be alone for awhile,, She just keeps running from me and blocking me out her life of fear. She just got so cold towards the end like she didn't even give a fuck.
I'm in the same boat as you and the same thing literally just happened to me nearly 2 months ago. She also jumped into a new relationship after giving the same reasons... Not ready for a relationship... need time to do me things... always seem to get with the first guy I meet after a break up and never have time and space to find out who I am as a person... She never blocked me and we spoke about 10 days after breaking up but she just said the same stuff, not wanting to reconcile or anything. She said she missed me and can't stop thinking about me but isn't ready for me, nothing I did and that I'm the perfect man for her. She said that even though I didn't talk about the relationship so I had some hope, but now I think she is seeing someone else. That must have happened only a few weeks after breaking up and not long after that last conversation. Gutted. I think we just have to learn to let go. I know it's really hard, I'm struggling too, but the alternative is clinging onto lost hope and torturing yourself. I'm trying to work on being less anxious and letting go now. Ultimately, if they didn't choose us then they weren't the right person for us. I hope that you are doing alright.
Happened to me too she reached out and I don’t wanna respond and I won’t lol I had more than enough time to sit and think about the disrespect I’ve gotten from them. I don’t hate them and I do forgive them I just can’t ever forget how I was treated so I rather not until I fully digest my healing era
@@fijikun I wish she reached out. I’m 5 months post break up now. I’m more so over her now than I was. I don’t think of her as much as I used to. I don’t hate her and do forgive her also but I can’t be with someone who didn’t value me. It worked out for the best. I wish she had the emotional maturity to reach back out and apologize, but I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again which is a good thing because I never want to feel how I felt ever again. I just want to have one last conversation to know why I was abandoned. Stay up king time will heal you will get through it and whatever you do don’t entertain her you deserve better. You deserve someone that won’t leave you and will stay by your side no matter what.
Can i please request a video focussing on avoidant relatives. My brother is avoidant and he does cycles of runner then chaser as my friend. I wonder is thete a different approach as im just wanting a nice stable consistant relationship. At the moment i literally just always let him contact me first unless there's a practicle reason to message.
@@IamCoachCourt many thanks my man! Frenchman here. More than fluent, but every now and then something will escape me ;) But shouldn't it be "when you go and ARE love ?"
They want you to reach out. They want to look at you from a distance. They want you to think about them. Dont fall for it. If they want you, they will reach out.
I guess if they are actually a dismissive avoidant....HOWEVER, there is an extremely thin line between this particular attachment style and dark triad personality traits....AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM 🎯🎯🎯🎯
No they can’t, because they have no idea how they really feel. I mean, that’s what it means to be avoidant. They avoid reality entirely, including their feelings.
Whats your point in dwelling in such negativity? Such victim mentality. Omg. We are the creators of our own reality so if this is your truth that is what you get😅
@@IamCoachCourtcalling someone avoidant is printing that meaning into the situation. Focus should be on yourself. This video is still very much ego- level stuff focusing on things like ’revenge’, feeling better (emotion), getting soothed(again emotion), thinking ’avoidant’ is wrong- doing and will regret which again lifts your ego and is supposed to ease your fears.
That only works if you have nobody in your life who depends on you. When you have people in your life who need you, it’s vital that you are tuned into objective(shared) reality. I think so many people nowadays are avoiding serious relationships because they can’t do this. Particularly with smartphones, it’s so easy to get stuck in your own world, but it’s incredibly unhealthy.
Hey. I know I might get Sh*t on by writing this comment. But I´ll try. Hey, first time commentating on this channel. :) I'm an FA. I am very sure about it. And I can tell you, there is a bit of a difference between FAs. There are some, who in their baseline, are more avoidant leaning, where I see this issue popping up the most. Some, in their baseline, are naturally more anxious leaning. And there are even some who are almost secure in their baseline. I'm one of those. On top, there are two groups: "Quiet FAs / Loud FAs". This grouping is about how much they being able to speak out their fears, needs, and how crazy the chaos is going to be, that they create. So for me, I'm a loud FA with a secure baseline. So I get out of control when triggered. HAVOC! That is why I had so many problems figuring out my attachment style because I KNEW something was off with my behavior. What tipped me off, figuring out that I was FA was the following, which I read in a comment on a different channel, of another attachment specialist: "If you switch between avoidant and anxious, depending on who you are with... you are disorganized/fearful-avoidant." BOOM! My answer! And on top, I stepped on gold! Because if I am with someone, I love them, never been in a relationship with someone I didn´t love. I loved them SO MUCH that I saw: Marriage, Kids... getting old together, solving issues together as a team, and having each other's backs. This is what I see with this person. So there is a lot going on, on the emotional spectrum. But, if they are super anxious about me, I feel like I can't breathe. And that is because of my trauma about being forced to do things, that horrified me. If they are super avoidant, I FLIPP anxious and fear them leaving me in the most horrific ways possible and shattering my hopes for e.I. marriage, kids... growing old together. And most of all is the feeling of NO TRUST. In both scenarios. So if I "felt" cornered - even though there was NEVER the intention of doing so, and I was "forced" (I was not, I just didn't understand my patterns back then) into switching avoidant - that made me feel like the person wanted to brutally hurt me, control me or make me do something I didn't like. The other way around, I felt like they would mercilessly hurt me, abandon me and have an affair, start lying to me, and have a double life of some sort (because that is something I grew up with). And all, because even though I had dreams of getting married to that person, having kids, and growing old together - because I loved them, they still didn´t earn my full trust. What I learned was that no one is trustworthy. Not even your own mother. She will throw you to the sharks. How can anyone else, who didn´t even give birth to me be any better? - And I work on this. FAs lean in the opposite direction of you. It´s NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL! All they need is trust and figure out the system, they can check off a list, to know when, and WHO to trust. They have to understand the point where to stop. "Okay, RIGHT HERE I NEED TO TRUST because this person did proof to me, they are trustworthy." And then stick to this. Sure, they will still watch your every move like a hawk, but when there is nothing on their "HELL NO-List" you ever did, they have no reason to assume you´re being hurtful towards them, and drop their guard finally. You, as the partner or ex of an FA, don´t need to do ANYTHING! They have to recognize their patterns of escaping the pain in their mind.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 88 | คู่เอก "ป้อมเพชร vs อัสลามจอน"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1ZqTVVbMgbo/mqdefault.jpg)
A black man sharing insights about the psychology of attachment. I am so happy to see this! For sure a channel I am going to recommend to people who are sensitive to representation.
@@annengohagbe I’m so happy to have you here! The EXACT reason I speak on it
Avoidants punish you for loving them, it’s truly a losing game.
The reality is they are hurting themselves as well, but that dawn's on them later.
Gosh that’s the most painful explanation but it’s so true
İs a ghoster and an avoidant the same ?
Yes they hurt. The selfish fools. But , I dont want to hurt any more . And the lies like I will be back for you. What rubbish .
This!!! 💯 My now ex decided he was going to stop loving on me because he figured that it would make me chase him 😳🫠🫠🫠... Like I said, my now ex ✨ #ilovememore
5 signs an avoidant loves you...
1. All of a sudden he/she will ignore you, all communication will cease and you will wonder if he/she is alive or dead.
2. When you are with them you can tell their mind is somewhere else. They are always moving on to the next thing even when you are right in front of them.
3. You can't bring up any emotional topics, ever.
4. They will make you feel alone... and eventually you will be all alone.
5. They always come back. Usually acting like nothing is wrong... it may be a few days, a few months or a few years yet they always come back.
Remember: They love you 🙄😂😂😂😍
😂😂😂😂😂 omg sounds like a nightmare
@@Anonymous-ze2mu It is. lol The crazy part is that I was with her for 12 years and we both went through a lot together but after a couple of weeks to think, Im not wondering if it was simply a trauma bond. I don't know. It's confusing because we're both older in our 40's and it gets lonely as we both don't really have friends and just worked well together
@jamie-r2034 I think take the lesson and move on. I was only in the dating stage and I felt like iv been on a bad rollercoster ride which then broke down and left me ganging upside down 🤣🤣🤣
What did you learn from your connection?
I'm so tired
Losing them hurt, no question. But when you get on the other side of that pain, you will understand and see what you were losing and it wasn't them at all. it was losing yourself to the facade they call a relationship.
this is the core wound of avoidants. they do not know how to have a healthy interdependence, typically because they attract codependent people. People in healthy relationships don't "lose themselves" -- what a cynical outlook
So so true!!
@@hsamzsdSometimes secure people can be attracted. Avoidants can seem “normal “ at times. Even secure persons can become anxious and temporarily lose themselves in trying to thrive in the relationship. Difference is secure people eventually realize the futility of it all and escape.
I don't wish him ill. I am just sick of it and need to move on.
An avoidant will bring all of their past relationships into your current relationship
Every insecure attachment will
@@IamCoachCourt this is my ex to a tee. I’ve never brought past relationships into my current one. Guess I’m more secure…
Yep, he wouldn't put his ex GF in the rearview mirror. She was like the invisible 3rd party in our relationship most of the 2 years.
@@a.d.b535were you being compared to her often?
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped...age old adage 💯...God bless fam 🩷♥️🩷
My avoidant ex was very consistent with being inconsistent.😊
Worst people to be in a relationship with. Brutal
Hmm...guess you have never been with a narcissist! Trust me! The Dismissive Avoidant is not so lethal.
@@blacklivityive been in a relationship with a narcissist as well. They are both very rough and not to be compared.
It’s an unsafe relationship! Run
They feel nothing. By the time they care they’re in the process of abandoning the third person after you. They’re sociopaths.
I can’t disagree with this. Long term relationship and DA basically cut me off and ran. No idea why, she would not tell me. Thought we would be married, Ha! It had been 18 months of no contact. Then she sent me a birthday card, but won’t talk or respond. So weird. DAs are nut cases , don’t bother with them, they will eventually destroy you.
I'm a secure attachment person who talked to multiple times then distanced myself from someone I considered borderline avoidant. I hope the Universe carries him the rest of his healing journey.
It is very sad that they have to lose you to realize your value to them. What a regret. As an old person, I'm happy to have no regrets. I gave our relationship my all. I am healing and moving forward, but sometimes I think of the good times we had. Sad.😢
It's been a month of no contact & I know he has regrets. I started therapy/counseling 5 months ago. I'm moving forward with understanding. No second chances. This relationship was harder than my long term relationships when I was younger. Even my 7 year marriage in my 20's.
I've grown, I'm happier alone. I'm going to take a year off from dating again. I have home projects and my pets to keep me busy.
Loyalty and Respect goes a long way. That it that's all.
This is so true. My FA ex would do anything for me as long as his feelings were not involved. Fears and a sense of obligation being a people pleaser led to his monkey branching. He still wanted to be friends. Nope. I let him go without drama. NC forever for me. I empathize with him. No jealousy on my part because I know who I am. It’s been a year since he left. I have healed thru inner work and moved on. I watch videos occasionally to never go back to avoidants. I realize I deserve better. I realize that since I am secure, I deserve a partner who is secure and able to commit. I sincerely hope my ex FA is happy with his life. He is basically a good and decent person. I hope he seeks help for his own sake.
Who cares, it is the best day of your life, get the help for you move forward be happy!
How do you know you need help if it wasn't for videos like these?
My avoidant close friend disappeared for 11 days…can back apologized, admitted to being embarrassed for disappearing, admitted to not having the words to tell me why they fell off and even agreed to give me a heads up next time. Literally 48 hours later they disappeared again. I finally gave them boot for good. It’s emotionally draining and hurtful.
Exactly, it is not our job. Even though we probably worked like it was for 2+ years. After this last time, I just felt free (like what about Bob movie when Dr Marvin yells, I’m free). Do not let anyone suck the life out of you ❤
I LOVE WHAT ABOUT BOB!
I truly love how u explained this matter without it being long drawn out just accurate straight too the point and meaningful. Thank u because this summed up my ex to the core. He is all of the above I don’t hate him in actual fact I forgive him for his behaviour because he is hurting more than me deep down, when he got so close to me I could see him backing away through fear and I cannot keep nurturing and reassuring someone I was starting to question me and losing my self worth so I am glad for the outcome although it hurt like hell.
Thanks for the comment. Your time is valuable so I try to respect it! 🙏🏾
@@IamCoachCourt your very welcome thank u for your insight. Keep up the good work u have gained a subscriber. God bless you 🙏🏾
@@rosemarielawrence-ed5jz thank you Rosemarie ❤️
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
Man. Heartbreak is tough. It took me a couple of years to get over my divorce, and I’m the one that divorced her. It will get better. It will take a lot of time though. In the end, all will be better.
I think my ex DA jumped into a new relationship right away so I doubt he will realize anything.
Same I don’t think a da that moves on that fast won’t care at all or feel it
Only when they break up that person, they'll think of you.
It will be too late@shawny979
If you think that your DA is a Da jumping into another relationship immediately; I hate to tell you, but your DA is really a narcissist.
I left my narcissistic husband, a truly horrible marriage and met a wonderful man a year later. An avoidant man. Such a wonderful man in the beginning but slowly the red flags began to show and he felt like a narc but not exactly. Manipulation, ghosting, he cheated etc. I feel so drained. Im exhausted. I no l,onger want to date anybody
Same story😢
@@anastasiasobol6181 I'm so sorry. I pray you heal
No longer talking because I've been blocked on everything. I wasn't mean or abusive in any way. I appreciate everything she brought to my life, especially the healing journey her leaving put me on. I wish her nothing negative. We were friends before we got romantic, now less than that.
I sent a nice parting message and he completely ignored for no reason
Same here
Is there a support group for people that have had to deal with avoildants
There really needs to be one.
There’s on on fb called support for people with avoidant partners
This compelling video brings back terrible memories of my recent breakup after four years of dating. My dearest friend made the decision to go, and I was left with an inexhaustible hurt. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him, much as I keep trying to make amends. I'm frustrated. I want to write about how much I miss him here because I can't seem to get him out of my head.
Interesting-sounding! How can I most efficiently get in contact with a spiritual counsellor that you recommended?
Yes frustration is key word -my experience for several years -yhey never change/fix it -they just do it to you again in a different way and leave you mentally exhausted time and again and always frustrated. Give all that devotion and love and energy/ appreciation and be kind to yourself instead. Saves you years of just getting taken for granted
Thank you for your videos! You have a beautiful, gentle way of describing the situation that invites kindness for both people involved. Thank you!
@@vaniafrankhealer thank you for commenting ❤️
Then don’t start a relationship, you’re responsible for your behavior. You know how you are so that ,makes you guilty and irresponsible when you fake and rip someone’s heart to pieces. Plain and simple take accountability
Loyalty and Respect goes a long way. That it that's all.
Is there an avoidant person that actually feels that they posess a "themselves"?? Mine ran from every element of themself, using substances to keep "the self" as numb as humanly possible. If you asked me in everday terms, there was no self, only chaos and self sabotage.
This!
Yes this, mine was pure chaos, drugs, alcohol etc. It started amazing, she turned it into a monster show. She called from an unkown number and it was her best friend fishing me if i have a girlfriend two nights ago after going NC, i feel so sorry for her.
He described me in this video. My feelings were genuine but my brain ruined the relationship. I always found an excuse to fall back. Months later and she finally moved on but I'm still waiting. This will turn into years
Like you being the avoidant? Could you describe what kinds of thoughts go through your mind when you feel like pulling back, or maybe what triggered those thoughts? Thanks
I am not her savior.
I thought I was her true love, she was with him 9 years, with me just over a year before it all dawned on me that I must have been the rebound. She possesses so many narc traits Im shocked and it hurts.
It's so hurtful...but how will the ever realize if they jumped into another relationship. I caught my ex 2weeks after our breakup with another woman. Now people see him around his city with someone else. I miss and love him so much. We did everything together. I chased him wanting an explanation until the day I saw him with someone and haven't spoke to him since. He was embarrassed that I saw him because of who he was with and he said things to try to hurt me...but couldn't. I was more embarrassed than anything.
Nothing lol
They feel nothing g . Horney maybe. For anyone they can use and discard.
what happens if they swallow pride and admit all the thing you mentioned to the person and make real effort to try and heal even If share it scared them etc. I find this all so fascinating
WHEN SOMEONE PUTS YOU IN A SITUATIONSHIP BUT CLEVERLY STARVES YOU BUT UNAWARE TO YOU IS SLOWLY TRYING TO BREAK YOU DOWN BIT BY BIT BY BIT -WITH CONFUSING COMING AND GOINGS - AND FINDING OUT MUCH-MUCH LATER (COS THEY ARE SO GOOD AT CLEVERLY KEEPING SECRETS HIDDEN WITH A DOUBLE LIFE AND KEEP YOU IN THE DARK. THEY TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE YOU DIDNT EVEN WILLINGLY PARTICIPATE. (YOU CANT WORK OUT EXACTLY WHAT IS THE SITUATION/PROBLEM/CIRCUMSTANCES THEY WEADLE/DRAW YOU INTO AND THEN GO SILENT/REAPPEAR BUT MINE WAS ALWAYS AT A DISTSNCE SO PREVENTED -(CHANCE TO COMMUNICATE - WHICH WAS NOT CLEAR AT FIRST BUT IN THE LONG RUN -YEARS LATER CRUEL AND PUNISHING NEVER APOLOGISED IF REALLY RUDE/OR FIX DAMAGE DID. GAVE IT TIME SO YOU WOULD FORGET THE HURTFUL STUFF AND NON-EXISTANT BUT VERY EXISTANT HOT AND COLD -IMVOLVED BUT NOT INVOLVED
2.5 years and boom 2 weeks ago, he said it was all about sex for him. His few friendships are all drinking people. Im a nurse and work.
I will miss him,but hes got issues. The pain is the worst.
My ex said the same thing. It's crazy how our perception of love is vastly different. It's all about them with a "Me, me, me mindset."
I so needed this 💔🤦🏽♀️
What should you do to bring them to accept n hold themselves accountable for the damage done? Can you provide scripts?
Literally nothing. It's hopeless. They will flip it around on you and believe you were the problem. They need to understand that there's something wrong with what they're doing on their own, otherwise, they'll feel controlled.
Guess internet has transitioned from Narcissists to Avoidants 😂
@@desertrose00 Naah, still a big difference
Yes!!!!
@@IamCoachCourtI’m just learning about avoidants but the above comment seems valid. This world. Omg😂
What if they rebound a month later? i didn't know about this avoidant stuff until after its the way she ended it to the tee. I kept bothering her after she wanted space and i'm an anxious attachment and was going crazy trying to make sense of what happened. I was so good to her and 4 months post break up i still can't stop thinking about her. She blocked me on everything and had her new man block me just recently. Nothing makes sense to me. Will she ever reach out again? i know rebounds never last it's a coping mechanism because she is not strong enough to deal with her emotions, but it hurts even more finding out she has a rebound after she said she is never single for long and needed to work on her mental health to be in a relationship and be alone for awhile,, She just keeps running from me and blocking me out her life of fear. She just got so cold towards the end like she didn't even give a fuck.
I'm in the same boat as you and the same thing literally just happened to me nearly 2 months ago. She also jumped into a new relationship after giving the same reasons... Not ready for a relationship... need time to do me things... always seem to get with the first guy I meet after a break up and never have time and space to find out who I am as a person... She never blocked me and we spoke about 10 days after breaking up but she just said the same stuff, not wanting to reconcile or anything. She said she missed me and can't stop thinking about me but isn't ready for me, nothing I did and that I'm the perfect man for her. She said that even though I didn't talk about the relationship so I had some hope, but now I think she is seeing someone else. That must have happened only a few weeks after breaking up and not long after that last conversation. Gutted.
I think we just have to learn to let go. I know it's really hard, I'm struggling too, but the alternative is clinging onto lost hope and torturing yourself. I'm trying to work on being less anxious and letting go now. Ultimately, if they didn't choose us then they weren't the right person for us. I hope that you are doing alright.
Happened to me too she reached out and I don’t wanna respond and I won’t lol I had more than enough time to sit and think about the disrespect I’ve gotten from them. I don’t hate them and I do forgive them I just can’t ever forget how I was treated so I rather not until I fully digest my healing era
@@fijikun I wish she reached out. I’m 5 months post break up now. I’m more so over her now than I was. I don’t think of her as much as I used to. I don’t hate her and do forgive her also but I can’t be with someone who didn’t value me. It worked out for the best. I wish she had the emotional maturity to reach back out and apologize, but I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again which is a good thing because I never want to feel how I felt ever again. I just want to have one last conversation to know why I was abandoned. Stay up king time will heal you will get through it and whatever you do don’t entertain her you deserve better. You deserve someone that won’t leave you and will stay by your side no matter what.
This is so true!
Can i please request a video focussing on avoidant relatives. My brother is avoidant and he does cycles of runner then chaser as my friend. I wonder is thete a different approach as im just wanting a nice stable consistant relationship. At the moment i literally just always let him contact me first unless there's a practicle reason to message.
This is a great request
"when your goal be love, you'll never have to find it" is that what you say in the end?
@@luketimewalker when you go and be love, you’ll never have to find it
@@IamCoachCourt many thanks my man!
Frenchman here. More than fluent, but every now and then something will escape me ;)
But shouldn't it be "when you go and ARE love ?"
Why did a DA unblock me on social media but never reach out
They want you to reach out. They want to look at you from a distance. They want you to think about them.
Dont fall for it. If they want you, they will reach out.
Cowardice.
Crazy my ex told that to her dad that she never gave herself completely to me. And by the time she decided to the relationship was sh$%.
Only an Avoidant can truly tell you what an Avoidant feels at any time
I guess if they are actually a dismissive avoidant....HOWEVER, there is an extremely thin line between this particular attachment style and dark triad personality traits....AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM 🎯🎯🎯🎯
@@shereses.3298 totally 💯💯💯 I love this take
No they can’t, because they have no idea how they really feel. I mean, that’s what it means to be avoidant. They avoid reality entirely, including their feelings.
@@katieandnick4113totally not true
@@katieandnick4113yes!!
Thankyou 😮
Avoidinistic
Yesss!!!
Whats your point in dwelling in such negativity? Such victim mentality. Omg. We are the creators of our own reality so if this is your truth that is what you get😅
We ARE creators! My affirmation videos are positive!
@@IamCoachCourtcalling someone avoidant is printing that meaning into the situation. Focus should be on yourself. This video is still very much ego- level stuff focusing on things like ’revenge’, feeling better (emotion), getting soothed(again emotion), thinking ’avoidant’ is wrong- doing and will regret which again lifts your ego and is supposed to ease your fears.
That only works if you have nobody in your life who depends on you. When you have people in your life who need you, it’s vital that you are tuned into objective(shared) reality. I think so many people nowadays are avoiding serious relationships because they can’t do this. Particularly with smartphones, it’s so easy to get stuck in your own world, but it’s incredibly unhealthy.
@@Ksundts click off then
@@rhighan4357says your ego😊
Hey. I know I might get Sh*t on by writing this comment. But I´ll try.
Hey, first time commentating on this channel. :)
I'm an FA. I am very sure about it. And I can tell you, there is a bit of a difference between FAs. There are some, who in their baseline, are more avoidant leaning, where I see this issue popping up the most. Some, in their baseline, are naturally more anxious leaning. And there are even some who are almost secure in their baseline. I'm one of those. On top, there are two groups: "Quiet FAs / Loud FAs". This grouping is about how much they being able to speak out their fears, needs, and how crazy the chaos is going to be, that they create. So for me, I'm a loud FA with a secure baseline. So I get out of control when triggered. HAVOC!
That is why I had so many problems figuring out my attachment style because I KNEW something was off with my behavior. What tipped me off, figuring out that I was FA was the following, which I read in a comment on a different channel, of another attachment specialist: "If you switch between avoidant and anxious, depending on who you are with... you are disorganized/fearful-avoidant." BOOM! My answer! And on top, I stepped on gold!
Because if I am with someone, I love them, never been in a relationship with someone I didn´t love. I loved them SO MUCH that I saw: Marriage, Kids... getting old together, solving issues together as a team, and having each other's backs. This is what I see with this person. So there is a lot going on, on the emotional spectrum. But, if they are super anxious about me, I feel like I can't breathe. And that is because of my trauma about being forced to do things, that horrified me. If they are super avoidant, I FLIPP anxious and fear them leaving me in the most horrific ways possible and shattering my hopes for e.I. marriage, kids... growing old together. And most of all is the feeling of NO TRUST. In both scenarios.
So if I "felt" cornered - even though there was NEVER the intention of doing so, and I was "forced" (I was not, I just didn't understand my patterns back then) into switching avoidant - that made me feel like the person wanted to brutally hurt me, control me or make me do something I didn't like. The other way around, I felt like they would mercilessly hurt me, abandon me and have an affair, start lying to me, and have a double life of some sort (because that is something I grew up with). And all, because even though I had dreams of getting married to that person, having kids, and growing old together - because I loved them, they still didn´t earn my full trust.
What I learned was that no one is trustworthy. Not even your own mother. She will throw you to the sharks. How can anyone else, who didn´t even give birth to me be any better? - And I work on this. FAs lean in the opposite direction of you. It´s NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL! All they need is trust and figure out the system, they can check off a list, to know when, and WHO to trust. They have to understand the point where to stop. "Okay, RIGHT HERE I NEED TO TRUST because this person did proof to me, they are trustworthy." And then stick to this. Sure, they will still watch your every move like a hawk, but when there is nothing on their "HELL NO-List" you ever did, they have no reason to assume you´re being hurtful towards them, and drop their guard finally. You, as the partner or ex of an FA, don´t need to do ANYTHING! They have to recognize their patterns of escaping the pain in their mind.
Disorganized can be pushed either directions for sure