The answer is, they go cold, disconnect, numb themselves using alcohol, drugs, screen addiction or gambling for a few months, and then reappear as if nothing has happened.
Since DAs tend to be the ones ending the relationships, all the videos on TH-cam are on how they feel or act after they breakup, dismiss, ghost or what happens as a result of no contact and if they might come back. Someone is finally talking about what happens when a DA is broken up with! Thanks Thais! Surprisingly, it is radically different from how they are when they are the ones ending the relationships. Please make more videos about this Thais!
I asked her to do a video happy she did it for everyone, you have to be strong with a DA in order to show them that they are no different from us, and that they NEED people too !
The one I know never responds when I wish him farewell. We used to message each other and go to the same gym. Then keeps “returning” after a few weeks with questions he could have googled or asked someone else about. He is someone I have “known” for three years and we both had a crush on each other at the beginning when we met, then he literally started treating me as they do in toxic relationship. I will never understand it. I asked him about it and of course no response. Now I just avoid the avoidant as much as I can as I like people who are balanced, consistent, emotionally intelligent, etc. I really never want a DA in my life ever again.
@@katalinmcewanSounds like a fearful avoidant. They recycle once their anxiety increases. They alternate between avoidant and anxious. A DA rarely cycles back.
Thank you. I ended things with a DA a couple weeks ago and I wondered what he was going through. I think a lot of us wonder if they experience any of the pain that we have dealt with in the course of our relationships. Doesn't sound like there's much of that happening.
One of the numbing things that my former DA did was browse women on the dating app that we used to meet each other. He'd do this for hours a day. I don't care who you are; when you find that your partner is spending hours per day on a dating app while you're dating them, it's quite upsetting. And he would always complain that he never had enough time and wanted me to be "on short notice" because planning ahead wasn't possible. I'm assuming that after he ghosted me when I wanted to get too close for comfort for him, he didn't have any problem jumping to the next victim on that dating app.
Mine was the exact same. He has been on the dating apps for years, and it was actually the reason why I (fa) broke up with him because he couldn't let go of those f-ing dating apps.
What you said at the end was so profound. Taking action is SO important in order to change your emotional state. I remember when my last relationship ended I spent more time on my hobbies and interests, which included going to the gym more consistently. I saw a woman there I had seen many times before whom I thought was pretty attractive. I struck up a conversation with her and it was such a great conversation we were literally finishing each other's sentences. This reminded me how many great women were out there and why it was a great idea to interact with them instead of sitting at home doing nothing. I think what you said about loneliness rings true, but something I heard from Dr. Wayne Dyer comes to mind when hearing this: "You're only lonely when you don't like the person you're with." I think this also rings true and it's why I'm never lonely.
Oh,yeah.......all of this information is very accurate, but once you become a senior citizen, this becomes very redundant & it's much easier to just get a dog for companionship. Woof !
Thanks for saying that avoidants are actually influenced quite heavily by their emotions. You can't repress something, have it lie directly under the surface for ages, and not expect it to influence you. Just cause you don't feel it, Doesn't mean it's not there. It's actually really hard to make balanced decisions without access to the "right brain" cortical structures of emotions, intuition, and bullshit detection, which the avoidantly attached aren't exercising on a regular enough basis to grow those skills.
This is frustrating that we who are not wired like avoidants, cannot relate to thm at all. And the only thing comes to our mind is that we are not attractive and lovable for them...
I went no contact and moved out while he was at work because I wanted to respect his decision to break up. He actually exploded with anger prior to that when I didn’t react to his decision and said no to staying friends. It was so confusing. One of the interesting things he said in the break up was he didn’t want to change who he was and didn’t like who he was becoming. I guess it was becoming a man who had to be mindful of someone else’s feelings with respect. He blocked me on social media months later and I wasn’t even contacting him in any form so didn’t understand the anger against me. Thanks for this video. Always enlightening.
Hi can you send me a message going through 3rd avoidant breakup . I feel connect with you and feel i need some serious coaching to help with my emotions as i seem to make the same mistake s when im angry x
You cannot fool yourself without knowing you're fooling yourself. Unless you process, it will be like a death. Feelings will surface when you least expect them, usually at night or early am.
Me and other friends usually have broken up with DA’s during major life crises in our own life. We all have felt like they are not there for us. It is like they was hiding and running away somehow. I think my biggest issue with avoidants is not knowing if they will be there if shit hits the fan.
Yes! That's exactly what happened when I broke up with my DA! My best friend was moving 1,300 miles away, my ex husband was moving 1,200 miles away leaving me to be 100% responsible for our child, and I had started birth control for the first time in my life (for my DA's benefit) and was physically feeling terrible. I was a wreck. I texted him asking for a hug and he ghosted me for 2 days then stood me up for a planned date, called me instead and spent an hour talking about himself and said 2 fairly insulting things about me... and that was it for me He acted totally blind sided when I broke up with him, but seriously how is that even a relationship?
@@creatureofstyle I just think they lack self awareness, and they generally seem terrified when bad things happens in a partners life. I think they pull away because they cant deal with us when our lives are messy, I mean they cant even stand mess in their own life, they run then too.
FA here and I end up saying the same things and doing lots of the same things (not so much for the flaw finding though, just a bit can happen). But,contrary to DAs, I feel everything a lot and understand the chaos and switch usually to the avoidant side to stop feeling so miserable, while externally I can appear ok
DA,s Retreat, Repress, Numb, then tell themselves they have processed their pain, which is the furthest thing from the truth. They will most likely repeat this process several times.
My experience doesn’t line up with this. I used to be severely avoidant. When I was left by my exes of 7 year, the only person that had ever made me feel it was safe enough to attach to ( apparently I was wrong about it being safe to attach) I had a complete identity collapse and developed an anxious attachment. My point is sometimes when the breakup is painful enough a person might completely switch attachment styles.
It probably was safe to attach to your ex, but everyone has their limits and eventually your avoidant behavior just wasn't fulfilling for them. That doesn't mean it wasn't safe for you, it just means you may need to look at the cause of the break up and if it was due to something you were or were not doing then don't do it again
…”because they work so hard to repress their emotions and often won’t find themselves even being consciously aware of their thoughts…” well, how can we possibly have a relationship with them??? i’ve been extraordinarily patient for a year, but this is very discouraging.😢
@@gutsandgrittv5076 bless your heart Thais, this was one of your worst. Very very discouraging. Unless it was meant to sell one of the courses? I doubt there are many DAs who watch, it’s we the suffering partners. 😥 But tbh, there is info overload on the internet. We don’t know what to believe anymore.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy if you're unhappy, why are you staying? We can blame the avoidant all day long but we can only blame ourselves if we are staying in a relationship that isn't fulfilling us.
I "broke" up with my situationship because he refused to get off dating apps after 8 months despite liking me and I think having feelings for me. I was hoping he missed me even if that's not why I did it, but this proves he doesn't..he's probably moved on...why does that hurt so much if I ended it?!? This is terrible
I'm right there with you. My ex DA and I met a year ago, he moved in nine months ago, I demanded he move out three weeks ago after I found out his car was stolen by a girl who lured him to a hotel room "to party", drugged him and took his car, wallet and laptop. Cheat on me and look what happens 😢😅
Act as if is basically what you're saying. Most people get it wrong, they fake it til they make it. Doesn't work because it's based in fake. However when we act as if we can be real and make those changes to our emotional wiring.
I can confirm all 3 reactions, but he was very eager to find a new, less flaw ridden reason for me breaking up. Now I demand compromise and he really struggles 😅
I thought I was avoidant.. till I met someone that pretty much took that place from me.. I would try to talk and end up in a fight.. I broke up several times.. and took her back.. then one day I just got sick of the disrespect gaslighting nd stonewalling .. I just walked away
My ex DA posted today on Facebook that she is "bound and determined to learn to play a ukulele" she bought at a estate sale some time ago. Something has happened between her and her new boyfriend.
Was so excited to hear what happens to me…from a non avoidant. Thousands of clients? Really?! 😂 How well can you have understood 1000s. I did struggle with being broken up with, mostly because as DA it was always me that left. Surprise. Then acceptance. The core belief of mine as DAs is that if we’re not on the same page there’s a better match out there. I would never take this woman’s advice. It’s very blamey and low-vibe. If you want to feel like an eternal victim sign right up!
Was so excited to hear what happens to me…from a non avoidant. Thousands of clients? Really?! 😂 How well can you have understood 1000s. I did struggle with being broken up with, mostly because as DA it was always me that left. Surprise. Then acceptance. The core belief of mine as DAs is that if we’re not on the same page there’s a better match out there. I would never take this woman’s advice. It’s very blamey and low-vibe. If you want to feel like an eternal victim sign right up! pls people - just meditate. read richo’s how to be an adult in a relationship and focus on yourself instead of others.
I (AA) was the one who cried after the second breakup (he had started flirting with me again). And I am sure that he(DA) didn't even feel a slight bit sad. On top of that he finds it comfortable this way that he can't feel things. He says it is for "his good".
Whenever the DA felt I was pulling away he would immediately send a text/tell me about something really cool he would do without me, like he is on the airport to Paris, and "look at the cool magazines here [photo and😃]".
Lol I just found out I’m dismissive and dealing with a break up. And it’s like you’ve been spying on me lmao. Why do you know my behaviors before even i do lol
I broke up with her and she wen crazyyy even threaten to kill herself. Then she dumps me 2 weeks later. Lol now 2 weeks later she's dating and on dating apps. What a joke!! Oh yea and she called to tell she's dating a co worker n.. then blocks me. Mind u I was in no contact and almost forgot never wanted a child with me but her profile says she wants kids. she's on to the next and I'm here taking therapy
DA partner and I agreed to at least keep in touch 2x a week. I explained why I need communication and how I feel when he just disappears. It’s now been 8 days since I’ve heard from him. I last asked him if he wanted to come to a Broadway show with me and all he replied was “maybe” regardless… I’m trying to understand how it’s unreasonable for me to want to talk to him twice a week to check in. Why can’t he do the bare minimum… I have to break up and end our cycle
I just don’t know how you can make a point to say at the beginning of this video that they’re not robots, yet later say that they don’t even consciously realize that they’re lonely, and that they suppress their thoughts and emotions. Please make that make sense! 😢
@@Gbb93 well I just don’t even know what that means. Do they feel them or not?? What chance does the partner have if the DA doesn’t feel their feelings?? In my case I feel that they DO have feelings for me, they DO care, but just can’t express it out loud. But what she’s saying here is not that at all.
The answer is, they go cold, disconnect, numb themselves using alcohol, drugs, screen addiction or gambling for a few months, and then reappear as if nothing has happened.
Yup
Especially Native guys
Since DAs tend to be the ones ending the relationships, all the videos on TH-cam are on how they feel or act after they breakup, dismiss, ghost or what happens as a result of no contact and if they might come back. Someone is finally talking about what happens when a DA is broken up with! Thanks Thais! Surprisingly, it is radically different from how they are when they are the ones ending the relationships. Please make more videos about this Thais!
I asked her to do a video happy she did it for everyone, you have to be strong with a DA in order to show them that they are no different from us, and that they NEED people too !
The one I know never responds when I wish him farewell. We used to message each other and go to the same gym. Then keeps “returning” after a few weeks with questions he could have googled or asked someone else about. He is someone I have “known” for three years and we both had a crush on each other at the beginning when we met, then he literally started treating me as they do in toxic relationship. I will never understand it. I asked him about it and of course no response. Now I just avoid the avoidant as much as I can as I like people who are balanced, consistent, emotionally intelligent, etc. I really never want a DA in my life ever again.
@@katalinmcewanSounds like a fearful avoidant. They recycle once their anxiety increases. They alternate between avoidant and anxious. A DA rarely cycles back.
Thank you. I ended things with a DA a couple weeks ago and I wondered what he was going through. I think a lot of us wonder if they experience any of the pain that we have dealt with in the course of our relationships. Doesn't sound like there's much of that happening.
One of the numbing things that my former DA did was browse women on the dating app that we used to meet each other. He'd do this for hours a day. I don't care who you are; when you find that your partner is spending hours per day on a dating app while you're dating them, it's quite upsetting. And he would always complain that he never had enough time and wanted me to be "on short notice" because planning ahead wasn't possible. I'm assuming that after he ghosted me when I wanted to get too close for comfort for him, he didn't have any problem jumping to the next victim on that dating app.
😮
I was a victim of a man like that, you are so right... 😔
Mine was the exact same. He has been on the dating apps for years, and it was actually the reason why I (fa) broke up with him because he couldn't let go of those f-ing dating apps.
What you said at the end was so profound. Taking action is SO important in order to change your emotional state. I remember when my last relationship ended I spent more time on my hobbies and interests, which included going to the gym more consistently. I saw a woman there I had seen many times before whom I thought was pretty attractive. I struck up a conversation with her and it was such a great conversation we were literally finishing each other's sentences. This reminded me how many great women were out there and why it was a great idea to interact with them instead of sitting at home doing nothing.
I think what you said about loneliness rings true, but something I heard from Dr. Wayne Dyer comes to mind when hearing this: "You're only lonely when you don't like the person you're with." I think this also rings true and it's why I'm never lonely.
Oh,yeah.......all of this information is very accurate, but once you become a senior citizen, this becomes very redundant & it's much easier to just get a dog for companionship. Woof !
I’m with you and I’m 45. My beautiful and smart gf is 35 and she is resigned to spend the rest of her life with a cat.
Thanks for saying that avoidants are actually influenced quite heavily by their emotions. You can't repress something, have it lie directly under the surface for ages, and not expect it to influence you.
Just cause you don't feel it,
Doesn't mean it's not there.
It's actually really hard to make balanced decisions without access to the "right brain" cortical structures of emotions, intuition, and bullshit detection, which the avoidantly attached aren't exercising on a regular enough basis to grow those skills.
Also, Tim Fletcher says "you;re basically turning yourself into a robot" about avoidant people with C-PTSD. So...do with that what you will.
This is frustrating that we who are not wired like avoidants, cannot relate to thm at all. And the only thing comes to our mind is that we are not attractive and lovable for them...
I went no contact and moved out while he was at work because I wanted to respect his decision to break up. He actually exploded with anger prior to that when I didn’t react to his decision and said no to staying friends. It was so confusing. One of the interesting things he said in the break up was he didn’t want to change who he was and didn’t like who he was becoming. I guess it was becoming a man who had to be mindful of someone else’s feelings with respect. He blocked me on social media months later and I wasn’t even contacting him in any form so didn’t understand the anger against me. Thanks for this video. Always enlightening.
He blocked you because it annoyed him that you weren’t bagging him. DAs are used to Apps begging them not to leave.
Hi can you send me a message going through 3rd avoidant breakup .
I feel connect with you and feel i need some serious coaching to help with my emotions as i seem to make the same mistake s when im angry x
Me, a DA whose wife left, watching this while bingeing youtube and chain-smoking: 😮
😢
You are a dedicated trooper on this psychological theme Thais
Exactly- they don’t self-soothe. They distract, numb, avoid and carpet sweep. Nothing productive about it!
They do both. The feelings don't just disappear.
Yes the carpet sweep is so real.
You cannot fool yourself without knowing you're fooling yourself. Unless you process, it will be like a death. Feelings will surface when you least expect them, usually at night or early am.
How to say you don't understand anyone's experience that isn't your own without saying it.
@@misschanandelerbong7946How to dismiss anyone's experience that isn't your own without saying it...
Me and other friends usually have broken up with DA’s during major life crises in our own life. We all have felt like they are not there for us. It is like they was hiding and running away somehow. I think my biggest issue with avoidants is not knowing if they will be there if shit hits the fan.
@@strawberryjam5844 this!! I haven’t experienced it but very worrisome, dreadful. How lonely!😞
Yes! That's exactly what happened when I broke up with my DA! My best friend was moving 1,300 miles away, my ex husband was moving 1,200 miles away leaving me to be 100% responsible for our child, and I had started birth control for the first time in my life (for my DA's benefit) and was physically feeling terrible. I was a wreck. I texted him asking for a hug and he ghosted me for 2 days then stood me up for a planned date, called me instead and spent an hour talking about himself and said 2 fairly insulting things about me... and that was it for me
He acted totally blind sided when I broke up with him, but seriously how is that even a relationship?
@@creatureofstyle I just think they lack self awareness, and they generally seem terrified when bad things happens in a partners life. I think they pull away because they cant deal with us when our lives are messy, I mean they cant even stand mess in their own life, they run then too.
FA here and I end up saying the same things and doing lots of the same things (not so much for the flaw finding though, just a bit can happen). But,contrary to DAs, I feel everything a lot and understand the chaos and switch usually to the avoidant side to stop feeling so miserable, while externally I can appear ok
DA,s Retreat, Repress, Numb, then tell themselves they have processed their pain, which is the furthest thing from the truth. They will most likely repeat this process several times.
You're gonna go down in history you're wo graciously sharing with these videos ❤ bless you
Thank you
Thank you for your beautiful comment Isabel :)
My experience doesn’t line up with this. I used to be severely avoidant. When I was left by my exes of 7 year, the only person that had ever made me feel it was safe enough to attach to ( apparently I was wrong about it being safe to attach) I had a complete identity collapse and developed an anxious attachment. My point is sometimes when the breakup is painful enough a person might completely switch attachment styles.
It probably was safe to attach to your ex, but everyone has their limits and eventually your avoidant behavior just wasn't fulfilling for them. That doesn't mean it wasn't safe for you, it just means you may need to look at the cause of the break up and if it was due to something you were or were not doing then don't do it again
I believe I was an avoidant during my 17 year marriage. Now I’m am anxious. I don’t want to be abandoned again. I know I flipped my style
…”because they work so hard to repress their emotions and often won’t find themselves even being consciously aware of their thoughts…” well, how can we possibly have a relationship with them??? i’ve been extraordinarily patient for a year, but this is very discouraging.😢
It’s too exhausting. Why agree to a challenge you can’t win?
@@gutsandgrittv5076 bless your heart Thais, this was one of your worst. Very very discouraging. Unless it was meant to sell one of the courses? I doubt there are many DAs who watch, it’s we the suffering partners. 😥 But tbh, there is info overload on the internet. We don’t know what to believe anymore.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy if you're unhappy, why are you staying? We can blame the avoidant all day long but we can only blame ourselves if we are staying in a relationship that isn't fulfilling us.
Do what you need to do for yourself. Leave
@@Barbie4U2 I think we’re done. Criticism after criticism, disappointment after disappointment. I tried so hard. 😰
I "broke" up with my situationship because he refused to get off dating apps after 8 months despite liking me and I think having feelings for me. I was hoping he missed me even if that's not why I did it, but this proves he doesn't..he's probably moved on...why does that hurt so much if I ended it?!? This is terrible
I'm right there with you. My ex DA and I met a year ago, he moved in nine months ago, I demanded he move out three weeks ago after I found out his car was stolen by a girl who lured him to a hotel room "to party", drugged him and took his car, wallet and laptop. Cheat on me and look what happens 😢😅
“They hardly ever consciously realize that they are feeling lonely” …. then doesn’t that mean that they’re NOT feeling lonely???? Makes sense!
Probably means they don't realize their need for connection. Your body can need nutrients without feeling hungry all the time
@@ForbiddenMixtapes which to me IMO means they DONT have a need for connection. Until maybe one day down the road it’ll hit them.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy "need" is relative, yeah. They're not going to die without it. They're just in denial and their life suffers.
I think they dont recognize it as loneliness. I think they label things differently. I mean it might be a form of gaslighting themselves.
@@strawberryjam5844 True
This definitely helped me as I’m going through this.
Act as if is basically what you're saying. Most people get it wrong, they fake it til they make it. Doesn't work because it's based in fake. However when we act as if we can be real and make those changes to our emotional wiring.
BTEA!!! Luminous!! Superb!!! You never cease to amaze dear Thais 🙏
Thank you for your beautiful comment Luke :)
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 🙂😀🙏
Meaning?
@@katharinaheckmann4962
Belief
Thoughts
Emotions
Actions
If you missed it I suggest rewatching the video
This was an amazing detailed explanation!
I can confirm all 3 reactions, but he was very eager to find a new, less flaw ridden reason for me breaking up. Now I demand compromise and he really struggles 😅
I thought I was avoidant.. till I met someone that pretty much took that place from me.. I would try to talk and end up in a fight.. I broke up several times.. and took her back.. then one day I just got sick of the disrespect gaslighting nd stonewalling .. I just walked away
It's the only way...
Can they also get angry at the other person? Like really passive aggressive and cold even if the breakup was years ago?
*HELLL YES.*
My ex DA posted today on Facebook that she is "bound and determined to learn to play a ukulele" she bought at a estate sale some time ago. Something has happened between her and her new boyfriend.
There is a surprise. They cannot maintain a relationship for long.
Was so excited to hear what happens to me…from a non avoidant. Thousands of clients? Really?! 😂 How well can you have understood 1000s.
I did struggle with being broken up with, mostly because as DA it was always me that left. Surprise. Then acceptance. The core belief of mine as DAs is that if we’re not on the same page there’s a better match out there. I would never take this woman’s advice. It’s very blamey and low-vibe. If you want to feel like an eternal victim sign right up!
I'm totally that tree that you spoke of. 😔
Was so excited to hear what happens to me…from a non avoidant. Thousands of clients? Really?! 😂 How well can you have understood 1000s.
I did struggle with being broken up with, mostly because as DA it was always me that left. Surprise. Then acceptance. The core belief of mine as DAs is that if we’re not on the same page there’s a better match out there. I would never take this woman’s advice. It’s very blamey and low-vibe. If you want to feel like an eternal victim sign right up! pls people - just meditate. read richo’s how to be an adult in a relationship and focus on yourself instead of others.
I (AA) was the one who cried after the second breakup (he had started flirting with me again). And I am sure that he(DA) didn't even feel a slight bit sad.
On top of that he finds it comfortable this way that he can't feel things. He says it is for "his good".
Whenever the DA felt I was pulling away he would immediately send a text/tell me about something really cool he would do without me, like he is on the airport to Paris, and "look at the cool magazines here [photo and😃]".
lol
Lol I just found out I’m dismissive and dealing with a break up. And it’s like you’ve been spying on me lmao. Why do you know my behaviors before even i do lol
I broke up with her and she wen crazyyy even threaten to kill herself. Then she dumps me 2 weeks later. Lol now 2 weeks later she's dating and on dating apps. What a joke!! Oh yea and she called to tell she's dating a co worker n.. then blocks me. Mind u I was in no contact and almost forgot never wanted a child with me but her profile says she wants kids. she's on to the next and I'm here taking therapy
Confirmation you don't need her
Sounds fearful avoidant to me
definitely not a DA
DA partner and I agreed to at least keep in touch 2x a week. I explained why I need communication and how I feel when he just disappears. It’s now been 8 days since I’ve heard from him. I last asked him if he wanted to come to a Broadway show with me and all he replied was “maybe” regardless… I’m trying to understand how it’s unreasonable for me to want to talk to him twice a week to check in. Why can’t he do the bare minimum… I have to break up and end our cycle
Bravo for you for getting into therapy and investing in yourself! 🎉👏
What about the anxious severely fearful avoidant? Same process?
Is this just DA’s or does this apply to FA’s as well?
If they’re broken-up with, at what point in the “cycle” do they try to come back, or do they only try to come back when they’re the dumper?
I just don’t know how you can make a point to say at the beginning of this video that they’re not robots, yet later say that they don’t even consciously realize that they’re lonely, and that they suppress their thoughts and emotions. Please make that make sense! 😢
Avoidants need to come with a manual. I get so confused myself.
COMPUTERS NEED TO DIAGNOSE WHITE ROOF SUN SOUNDS
SHE IS L H C P EYE TO INTERVEL
plap-to-stomant O R W tissue ,,glave PPLIE
CENTOS LL + ITS 80 )CLOUD-E-
“They hardly ever consciously realize that they are feeling lonely” …. then doesn’t that mean that they’re NOT feeling lonely???? Makes sense!
No, suppressing feelings doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t underlying.
@@Gbb93 well I just don’t even know what that means. Do they feel them or not?? What chance does the partner have if the DA doesn’t feel their feelings?? In my case I feel that they DO have feelings for me, they DO care, but just can’t express it out loud. But what she’s saying here is not that at all.