Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist! - How To Heal Your Trauma & Find Happiness | Dr. Ramani
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Whether it’s on the political stage, in the world of celebrity, or across social media, the word narcissist is used a lot these days. The same goes for terms like ‘gaslighting’. But do we really understand what they mean? Is their increased use a good thing, shining a light on toxic behaviours to beware of? Or do we risk diluting their impact - undermining what it really means to be stuck in a narcissistic relationship?
This episode takes a frank look at all these questions and more, with licensed clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula. She’s Professor of Psychology at California State University, a world-renowned expert on the impact of personality and personality disorders on health and behaviour and someone who is extremely passionate about the impact that narcissism can have on physical health, mental health and relationships. She has written several books, including the latest, It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People.
We begin by exploring the true meaning of narcissism, its prevalence within society, the evolutionary explanation for narcissistic traits, the impact that narcissistic behaviours can have on our relationships and why it is that society seems to reward these traits, making them synonymous with success and fame.
Dr Ramani believes too many people are harmed by narcissists. As a survivor herself, she’s made it her life’s work to raise awareness of how they can wreak havoc in relationships, families, workplaces and more. By exposing the traits and refusing to celebrate them, she wants to empower and protect people’s health.
It’s Not You is the title of her book because Dr Ramani wants survivors of narcissism to know they’re not at fault. She believes you can get to a place of ‘radical acceptance’ where, even if you can’t leave, you can acknowledge a person’s behaviour is not OK and you’re not at fault. And during this conversation she outlines some of the ways you can get there, how you can protect yourself in future, and how to start healing if you have been hurt.
This conversation is slightly different in topic and tone from what you may be used to on this podcast. But I do think that this is an important topic that is probably not spoken about enough. For me, it really was an honour to have such a deep and honest conversation about this topic with someone as passionate and articulate as Dr Ramani. I hope you enjoy listening.
#feelbetterlivemore
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Dr Ramani’s books:
It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People - US: amzn.to/3I4PGlJ UK: amzn.to/49GYnyE
“Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility - US: amzn.to/3T5YcpZ UK: amzn.to/3wGDfqD
Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist - US: amzn.to/3STe5zY UK: amzn.to/3RlYJT3
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Mine was a midwife (who publishes a magazine out of Eugene, Oregon) & she cost me my son.
She belived (believes) that if a baby is overdue, it's the mother subconsciously not wanting to birth him alive.
"If you go to the docs, it's on you. Do you want a live baby or a de@d one?
Docs kill babies."
Afterward, she & her group love-bombed me in a swarm to compel me not to sue, as it would hurt their families.
In the absence of a suit, no death in fact occured & they can then misquote their stats.
I'll cap the narrative here, to spare the long version.
This midwife is acclaimed & travels the world to do conferences.
Respond if you have time?
His name was Jeordie Paul Farrell & he would've had his 40th birthday later this fall.
Mothers don't forget.
I was an undiagnosed autistic. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been so trusting, so gullible.
I'm oksy now. I just miss my son is all.
Hello Everyone! Very insightful indeed Dr. Ramani and Dr. Chatterjee, hope Dr. Ramani's book/s becomes available from the library sooner, for access to each and everyone in need, isn't it! Many thanks🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at digitalinvestigate@gmail.com where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
When you are constantly exhausted, you are dealing with a narcissist!
Very true
Omg so true l! It took me 31 years to figure it out but now I can see it easily on everyone else.
I always feel it behind my eyes. It's very odd.
That just clicks... that is so obvious now that you have said it... 😮
Yep. My boss is a narcissist and so is the lady he talks to who is a the head chef. I have no doubt about it. I am constantly exhausted to the point of burnout that I had to tell his boss what's been going on. His boss is a good boss I really like him and he literally makes them step the heck up but I don't trust them at all and won't go to them for anything because I've tried and one of them gave me attitude like I was below her. One time she even said hi to me and I ignored her. I know why she's saying hi to me now cause I just put two and two together I'm not dumb. I'll say hi but I'm going grey rock and going to be boring and not get involved in the gossip at work
She's correct, people don't understand how a narcissist destroys things around them, their wake is a nightmare
No one does. I am dealing w one who has taken over everything after my stroke. Got my family fooled and they are distant. Instead being there they believe the devil. It is hard to be strong when the devil has a plan for your every move. From money to mental support. These people do not need to be out in society. I am gonna say it again. These traits, behaviorisms, of these people are sick and not appropriate. And most folks that have been in a relationship w these folks knows they are like a bomb. Rape, murder, it is not far off. And I know this one here he could kill and not have a problem.
It destroys your mental health. I felt lonely and depressed in the relationship, just as equally as I am grieving the loss of the relationship.
People don't understand often because we're somewhat conditioned to ignore and subconsciously deny the negative traits and characteristics of resourceful people. This is especially true for narc's friends given that many if not most narcissists are charismatic, often very successful people with many "fun and helpful" resources to make and keep friends. They nurture and maintain friends with relatability, comfortable superficiality and usually shower them with gifts and access to things they personally enjoy like drinks and public hobbies.
It's the people who challenge their image who suffer the most.
BUT . there are always enablers around them ... "that's just the way they are " I have
heard that before and it makes me want to throw up on those enablers , they
are just as bad as the narcissist ... garce
@@stevengarcia877 because they are that good at being evil.
Try saying the word ‘no’ to one and then observe the toddler style tantrums 😂
So true
Truth they do💯
Describes my high-conflict instigating-aggressor narcissistic exploitative bulldozer impulsive next-door neighbor (with arrested development tantrum rages, calculating manipulative charm when they WANT something or make a mistake/wrongdoing, cyclically escalate harassment & stalking when they don't get what they covet, & full-blown narcissistic inter-generational family dynamic - grandparents-parents-kids).
Be careful it can escalate over the word no
Try giving them any boundary or refusing any demand for admiration they dump on you and watch what happens.
They also derive so much fun from bullying harrasing making fun of others
not all but those are sadists
@@JosephineLuu
All types of narcissists absolutely criticize, judge and belittle others . That is a common and ongoing part of the disorder. Actually, that’s a red flag in the beginning when meeting any narcissist.
Only psychopaths are sadists or the malignant type of narcissist, which is about 3% of all narcissists
@@staciacrick3373Sadism is a psychological metric, like introversion, paranoia, or agreeableness that applies to human behavior that is measurable and definable, it is both quantitative and qualitative, and these measures when applied to other behaviors equally distinct can be aggregated into constellations of attitudes, traits and behaviors that result in personality constructs that distinguish us from one another. Those creating great difficulties for self or others , are called personality disorders, commonly referred to as psychopathy, criminality, narcissism, etc
@@staciacrick3373they devalue others because their fragile ego is threaten. They don’t enjoy doing that. It’s their protecting mechanism.
Ultimately I ask myself how this person makes me feel. If they consistently make me feel bad, they're gone. I am retired. Not everyone can do this.
honestly, best advice out there
Everyone can and must do that to prevent increased problems such as physical, emotional and financial problems. It’s better in every way to be alone versus with a toxic/narcissistic person… including family, friends and partners
I agree with this statement, Nothing could be truer !
Unfortunately that’s how I treat the relationship with my mother
@@flowerchild3312 When i tell my husband how i feel about things he does, he tells me its not him making me feel like that, I'm doing that to myself.
I went no contact with the narc and every single professional collegue, friend, acquaintance, literally anyone I met in the 21 years I was with my abuser. I have held that no contact for over 7 years. I lost everything, ended up homeless and yet I gained myself and a wonderful new relationship. I don't give a fahk what my abuser or any of those pieces of sh*t that took my exs side think. I love myself and my happiness is more important to me than anything and I will do anything to maintain that. I changed everything. I took the opportunity at 50 years of age to change everything and started fresh.
Very brave 👍♥️
😊
GOOD 4 U TO OLD FAST 2 LATE SMART YOU GO GIRL THE BEAT TO YOU
You inspire me
I was trauma bonded for years..narc ruins your life,your soul
How do I break the trauma bond?I am drowning 😢
this year marks 7 years of trauma bondage..im still broken. i have anhedonia
You Actually Have To WANT Deliverance And DO What's Necessary! Having A Bunch Of Pity PARTIES Ain't Going To Cut IT. You Will Be Stuck n Bitter Basically Turn Into A Narc. Talk Without ACTIONS Useless 👎
@@margaretmbinji9909how did you get out?
@@valerieriggins3184 Pretty sure Most people know that.. it goes deeper than that. Fighting against invisible powers and principalities is a very difficult thing.
Twenty five years with an alcoholic narcissist. Twenty five years out and I’m still dealing with the fallout.
I’ve “only” had 10 years with an alcoholic narcissist and I left the relationship 2 years ago, but the impact on me was so great that the recovery process is so difficult I’m not sure I will ever get better. However, I am free and safe now so much happier.
@@Peter-55 I’m happy you were able to get away. It does take time and tlc to recover but I’m glad that you have been able to find your way. Wishing you all the best.
You made a mistake 25 years ago. And you're still reaping the consequences. Easy to shift blame. When In actual fact you made huge mistake from the get go. Another stupid woman bites the dust
Heavy sigh*
I am also still dealing with the fallout 12 years post divorce from a 24 year marriage to a narc. I have said many times, “It’s the ‘gift’ that keeps on giving…” Ugh. ❤
perhaps your parents were abusive… that’s usually how it goes.
Can’t get enough of Dr. R. She is a national treasure.
Dr. Ramani is actually changing lives across this planet!
I started listening to Ramani back in 2020, I was in a chokehold by my trauma.
I am now better, in control and graduating at the end of the year. Importantly, I got me. Congratulations are in order. I hope soon you get to feel the same ❤
Congratulations! Dealing with a narc can break you. So happy you’re better and in control again. All the best to you in the future.
When a Family Member made me the BAD GUY at mothers Funeral. ENOUGH🤮bye!!
‘Chokehold” truly is the word that resonates , like the bow on the strings of a cello..
@@nonpareilstoryteller5920 I was literally in a chokehold. That was my last straw.
Narcissist and external validation is like bread and butter. They are always the sweetest outside, but become monsters in their home.
I love the speaker, she knows so much about the topic👏
Big yes! my husband is like that. Super fake
1:42: DEEP Don't go deep Don't engage Don't explain Don't personalise.
Don't defend.
Or, in other words: "No Contact". [Narcissists are bad news & only bring: (faux charisma), drama, trauma, chaos, confusion, & (calculating manipulative schmooze-to-use-charm & exploitation: ulterior motive of fringe benefits for themselves at the cost to your guilt-tripped soul)]
I’m 60 years. I was listening to this and I realized that my older siblings’ behavior is exactly like the narcissistic behavior you describe, and my “issues” are exactly like the issues of one who was on the receiving end of a narcissistic person. Why have I never figured this out before? I have been blaming myself for 60 years. This is life changing! Thank you so much! I’ve downloaded your book. Thank you for the insight you have given me! 🙏🙏🙏🙏
So happy for you.
This is going to change your life.
Don't say ANYTHING about your discovery to your sister, it would only bring about worse problems and she will NOT change.
Just go and get all the information you can, now !!!
Me too. My older sister. No longer in my life🎉🎉🎉🎉
Be kind to yourself. Its only now being talked about. When we are going thru things we can not see it clearly .Try to step back away from the pic to get perspective. It is shocking how we keep ourselves stuck because we don't want to feel uncomfortable. When staying the same is more painful than changing we will change. Hopefully. We need each other to help us see ourselves. The mirror affect so to speak.. Love yourself.
Better late than never! Now you get to feel like you’re sane again. It is liberating
My (only brother) is a sociologist. My mother is the narcissistic.
Took me 40 years to see them but, now that I do, I have walked away and am finding my peace.
I'm divorcing my narc wife...she is 1k mikes away staying with her parents and her Dad just died. I'm very sorry about that but I cannot let her drag me back in her web of evil
Good for you! I recommend disappearing
You got this! Don't look back!!😍💪🏾💛
Hard but less hard. Press on.
I'm going through that also. I'm just glad his parents are already gone. If not his father would be dying of heartache and shame for the things his son has done.
So selfish and he feels justified!
NO!
I feel like a left over hamburger, no bun, cheese, mustard, ketchup, or mayo! Just cold.
Let her deal with her own shit,peace my friend.
Doctor Ramani rather exposed the malignant narcissist's wickedness all over YT years ago and I am glad of that. Walk away, walk away, walk away...
About time Dr.! This conversation is decades too late for me but anyone who is searching for answers to why someone in their life is difficult, antagonistic, constantly critical, uncaring and cold and only interested in having their thoughts, ideas and opinions validated is going to have a seriously bright light bulb moment! It is life changing. Thank you both.
She saved my life. Knowing “I’m not crazy” I didn’t imagine this. There’s nothing wrong with me. Saved me. I’m not even angry. But I am in control. I feel safe inside my own mind again. I’ve been taking myself out for dates. I love myself and my life again. Yes the flip side of the coin is I must admit I was a victim which sucks almost as bad as being crazy. But I don’t have to live as a victim. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
That honestly makes me so happy. I'm so glad you've overcome this.
Awhh I'm so sorry. I hope your okay ❤
@@stephaniebastarache2361 don't be sorry! It's encouraging to hear from someone who has been through it and has a hopeful story to tell.
As Dr. Ramani says, we are survivors, thrivers❤
I was discarded 4 days ago and it has saved my life too. Iam just recovering from physical and emotional trauma that almost took my life away and he still had guts to call off our marriage on phone while I heal from what he caused,it was perplexing but I have relief and I do not want any attachments or talk after this I want to b done to keep my long gone peace. Iam already enjoying what I was missing.
When someone justify their cruel words to you as being straight talker, constant gaslighting and never taking responsibility for anything.
My older brother tells me our mother didn’t ruin my life. He really thinks I had a choice. By the time I WAS old enough to have a choice, I was deeply enmeshed with her. I was the youngest and the only girl. They had the luxury of leaving so I was stuck with her. I knew something was wrong with her so I didn’t feel like I could leave her. If I did, she would have no one. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.
You need to get away. The older they get the more evil they get (or maybe they just mask less).
Please cut out of all the narcs out of your life, find people who love you, support you and save yourself.
Never give up!
My narcisitic mother has live plan that her second youngest, the prettiest one, should become a nurse and will take care of her when she is old.
My sister life is steered by my mother, including her live choices. She was depend on mother for everything and create a prison in her mind, thinking that is her fate and she cant get out of it.
Here is the truth. She is capable, she has job as nurse and all resources to be independent, if she wanted. But, she is in prison of her mind and all the manipulation. See what resources you have or build your own, plan your exit.
You can’t win in the narcissistic family system.
@@roberth4395they do get more evil. Twenty years ago, my cousin was merely insulting. Ten years ago, behind my back so I could not defend myself, he conducted a months long campaign to convince an 88 year old widowed, childless aunt from the opposite side of the family to be disinherit me. He succeeded. ( You can destroy anyone's reputation if the other person has no chance to respond. )
I was nearly murdered at age 7, and have two severe disabilities as a result. My cousin knows this, of course, and that was part of the appeal for him.
He's scum, of course. I have two emails from him from eight years ago which show his true, monstrous self. He's a bigshot in his huge church, and I'm considering forwarding the emails to his church leadership. My pastor thinks I should do it.
I know they are manipulative and cruel.. But how do one fuck*g leave their family member alone as easily as everyone says as if it is a daily task... You can't leave a family member just easily. Better to completely block yourself emotionally in front of them and be with them for minimum periods of time.
Got so traumatised 7.5 years long with him I got misdiagnosed BPD. 5 years later diagnosed with crippling PTSD instead.
So many narc victims are accused of BPD because they are blamed for the difficulty of dealing with the narc and the lies and smear campaigns are believed by others, and finally the victim blows up. Drs and counsellors who know nothing about narcissists do so much damage to the victims.
True my mom ....
@@robinantonio8870 💯👏
I think most survivors deal with PTSD
@@robinantonio8870families almost always side with the narc and do further damage to their victims.
When we met he told everyone he got a good one this time. I wasn't sure what he meant then, but I do now and it wasn't a compliment.
That’s exactly what they sound like
Wow, that hit home. So true.
They are so freaking weird.
I truly believe that nacassim is a lot more common than a small % and very much overlooked.
50% at least
So true.
If someone is not behaving the way we want them to behave we call them narcissist. 🤠.
I'm perfect........💯 Perfect ....
I agree 100%
AGREE! I’m constantly exposed to at least one in my life that’s hard to get away from. Feeling Trapped.
I've experienced gaslighting, which really skewed my self perception until I learned what it was and learned to identify it in the moment...what an epiphany that was! It impacted my mental and physical wellbeing until I got perspective on gaslighting and how it undermines sense of self.
It is such a shock to one's system, I have been gaslight to many time's to count the first one just really made me realize who I am dealing with. It is such a betrayal all in itself
It disorients you. You can't trust anyone. It's horrendous
Literally I have been speaking about this the last few years. Narcissists cause so much harm and get rewarded! All successful people I know are narcissistic. Society loves narcissists and society loves to shame and blame the victims of narcissistic abuse. If you grew up with a narcissistic mother or father or in my case both- your adult life is basically ruined. I have spent my whole adult life recovering from my childhood- and have had therapists who love telling me my parents love me etc etc. Narcissist do not love. They don't know how. They are severely mentally impaired. But sadly this world is FULL OF THEM.
NB. Many mental health professionals often don't want to look at narcissism because it hits too close to home!
I think you’re confusing Egotism with Narcissism. Bad concept. Successful people usually have Big Egos and don’t need to have individual victims.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
God bless you!I had an ex like that and was my baby mama.
They always treat their immediate family like trash. Showing a caring persona to those on the outside. 8 years of this chaotic man. I have a lot of healing work to do. Grateful he’s gone. He will most assuredly do this to another as this is his pattern. Though he’s painted me as the toxic one his past relationships reflect the truth…
ALMOST 6 YEARS NO CONTACT, MY KNOWLEDGE IS VERY POWERFUL AND IMPORTANT!!!! It keeps me in the know, i remember when i knew nothing about this disorder and now i have insight, knowledge and i keep learning every day. ❤
"Very very socially perceptive....They can read the room beautifully...in a very self serving way... Tapping into their vulnerabilities... They realize where the pressure points are and they file them away, because they're going them against that person later." 🛎️🛎️🛎️
I'm just afraid being a bit addicted to Dr Ramani's voice and her podcasts, as she's such a comforting energy, she's one of my favourite people in the world. Thank you for all that great work. New subscriber here!
Got 1 trying to reach me right now 12 midnight in VA got her blocked
My ex partner was narcissistic. He wouldn't stop saying I was a nonsense person and what had I ever achieved. He gaslighted me , regularly then expected love.
Actually repeatedly expected me smiling at the door when he got home like a dog, but sometimes didn't come home after work but never would tell me he had plans. Thus gaslighting.
Same,… and my ex’s favorite fall back rebuttal was, “What book did you get that from’ offered with his twisted displeased smirk 🤨
Same here! Unbelievable! I demanded I get a divorce after 26 years and within months, I was granted that. I’m entering the 5 the year of found freedom.
It’s really hard to fake being attracted to someone who makes you feel like garbage
It's nuts how horrible they are....but still expect to be loved.
She changed the way i look at myself....i always thought it was my fault...was holding my marriage together, at the cost of my soul
I joined these podcasts two weeks ago and i was feeling that my narc was after my soul after going thru emotional and physical trauma for 4 months. He now has discarded me 4 days agoand I am relieved for now.All my post trauma symptoms r slowly leaving me.iam so amazed u have used the term " giving away yo soul". So painful.
I hear you man
After working under a narcissistic boss for 8 years, I was finally able to walk away from that job. The effects from the stress have been brutal; 🎉I truly believe that the stress led my body to allow cancer to grow. I'm "cured" of the cancer (it's been 6 years now). I am FINALLY feeling healed from the emotional trauma she caused in my life. Your books and podcasts have really helped me put it all into a more objective perspective so that I'm finally able to be kind to myself!
Thank you for putting yourself out into this crazy world.
They absolutely kill people this way - the stress they cause is completely toxic!
@@jainorr4915 On point! "The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, & Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Physician Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, & per the landmark ACEs (Adverse Child Experiences) study on trauma. Our body's immune system literally detects toxic narcissists as a: toxin -- resulting in 'mysterious' harm to our own bodies (mistakenly attacked, by our very own immune system) that may manifest via various autoimmune disorders: e.g. asthma, eczema/rashes, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, thyroiditis, diabetes, cancer, etc.
Losing all hope was honestly liberating. Clinging to that just kept me hostage.
Yes. Patterns are everything.
True must observe patterns
I have seen Narcissist and psychopaths and sociopaths do quite well under stress. That's how they succeed and make a lot of money.
They Unload the Stress at home to Family and Spouse. It is behind closed doors. No one can imagine such a person doing this and people don't believe it, even when it reaches the level of assault, the police believe the calm controlled abuser who states they only grabbed a hand. While days later there are bruises over the entire Body. No one sees that. These people are DANGEROUS. DYSREGULATED Demonic.
I’ve noticed that as well, but they use their family as a punching bag
That's why my BF of 12 years said I'm not shit because I don't have my own 2 million dollars.
@@rischakmeador186and you're with this person still?
They love chaos.
I remember years ago when I realized that my mom was a narcissist ( and now recently my dad's sisters, and my big brother). I was so relieved. It made things FINALLY make sense. When people started using it in pop culture I was thrilled. As a kid it was really hard to explain why I was so sad all the time. But Dr Ramini is right...people are OVER using the word. Any 'jerk' is a narcissist. Narcissists are calling their victims narcissists.It's a mess. But I'd still rather it be like it is NOW, than it being where I didn't have the words to explain to people what is going on. This is annoying, but it's still better.
The fact that some narcissist's act really childlike doesn't help much either, it almost gives them a free pass to get away with a lot of their dysfunctional behaviors. We can feel like we have an unruly child on our hands instead of an equal partner which they should be.
So relatable
@@loveinthetimeofcorona8192 Yes and other people that don't know the narc think they are charming and fun, if only they knew.🙄
Omg he is so childlike. He invited his brother and his wife to our Valentine's dinner! Then he said he wasnt going to tell me but hes going to surprise me for my birthday and he invited them. He didnt even ask me. Who the fuck does this? I said he did it because he is childlike, but today i admitted to myself he is a narc. I have stories for days but you have heard or lived through them, because these people are all the same. I feel FREE admitting the truth and seeing it. He would say "i dont know whats wrong with me" well bitch i do!!
exactly
@@newmexiconurse3336 🕊🌻
Probably the most important work of our time - thank you Dr Ramami
Getting to know your true authentic, self and realizing your perfect in all your im perfections, it is a sometimes lonely journey , but trust the process ❤
I think sometimes we try to convince ourselves by saying no one is perfect so we maintain the relationship but gradually we realize the toxic part of people which is not about being imperfect.
The therapist I went to with my ex ganged up on me with him because I was completely unhinged and reactive during our sessions from the 3 years of ongoing abuse. He was a vulnerable so seemed like the nicest guy you could ever meet. She did so much damage to my wellbeing and recovery.
These people are very dangerous. Before I met him his wife had died homeless after a complete mental collapse and he spun it that he’d tried so hard to help her but the system had failed her. I have not one doubt that she wasn’t able to identify the abuse and he is directly responsible for her death. It’s tragic. These people are absolute monsters and I’m so grateful to Dr Ramani for helping me to identify them
Some therapist are bad. Therapist have been arrested for sexually assaulting patients at the department of veteran affairs in California. Some therapist aren't even listening to you if you show up to an afternoon session because they're already tired and don't like their job. There are signs you can look up about bad therapist on TH-cam videos. One of the signs is the therapist will try and control your language such as telling you to not use contraction in your speech.
@@rwdchannel2901thanks yes. It’s like any profession- most are mediocre at best and a few are excellent. I have had some horrible and some wonderful therapists over the years. During that particular time I was so unstable I wasn’t really able to assess quality because I was absolutely exhausted and in survival. We only worked with her a couple months but it was just gross how snowed she was by the narc when I was reporting abuse and screaming (literally) for help. My current therapist is excellent and we do therapy with horses which is awesome.
33:30 👏👏👏👏👏👏 So true! Therapists who don't help their clients name toxicity in their lives and instead consistently try to get the client to change are doing them a huge disservice!!!
[Because narcissism isn't officially taught in school], it's important to seek mental health professionals who are "narcissism-informed": experts on narcissism -- & the 'right fit' for you, personally (from a person-to-person perspective).
Exactly, it takes away an innocence even at an older age learning what the relationship actually was and how dishonest, cruel, deceitful, abusive the person is and will continue to be with any contact. The Injury is Permanent.
I was in a 21 yr rel/17 married and I didn’t fully see my ex was a narc until I had been living apart from him for 9 months. I came from a toxic family of narcs and though I struggled in both, it was painfully normal to be abused, physically, emotionally, blamed and gas lit. I’m so glad to have seen this and spent over a year now in twice weekly therapy to finally work my way out of this. 🎉 Never again will I be abused like this.
Thank you, Dr Ramani, for giving us survivors visibility, and a framework to finally understand the abuse we have suffered. For decades, I knew my relationship was unhealthy, but had no idea why. This information means I can now begin my healing journey, in earnest. I am deeply grateful for your being in the world!
The grief is devastating! 😢...
Dr. Ramani's videos were the sole source of support I had when I left my narcissistic friend. I'm forever grateful to her ❤
Ya, this shit is real! I fell in love so quick w one. Married her after 7 months. Only married for 9. It’s been a year and a half of no contact, and its still enrages me how deceived i was. It’s not just something that just rolls off your shoulders and move on from. I still feel that subtle toxicity in me that the narc put on me, w all the gaslighting, still questioning if im a good person. But i know i am. Its just sad that it’s even still a thought. If you know, you know. I don’t wish this on anyone
Wow. I didnt realize unconditional love is that rare. I did get it. I am 47 and i am still getting it. ❤
I wish I had found Dr. Ramani sooner. Would’ve prevented so much pain.
This is why I struggled to trust therapist's, especially psychologists and physiatrist, as many are narcissistic themselves. Very dangerous for someone who is already vulnerable!!
Agree. How curious that when a woman gets raped the three professions with high NPD, Doctors, Police and Lawyers are the only people we have to go to for help Even the spouses/parents of the victims add severe trauma to severe trauma.
Unfortunately, you need to add judges to that list! Fortunately where I live, you can change the judge, the therapist and a dodgy police officer if you recognise the signs.
I don't have a personality anymore, just trauma and loneliness. I cannot get through to people anymore. No matter how much reach, I'm always excluded. And if I stop reaching, I'm definatelly excluded and then I don't even have that pathetic reaching. Years of exclusion from humane interaction and years of loneliness have washed away my personality. I'm finally afraid to interact and socialize with people. There's no other choise but to adjust my goals of rest of my life accordingly. Otherwise I'll be stuck in futile attempts of reaching out and creating some connections. It's just scary that living in isolation and loneliness makes every mistake and every bad day worse, as that easily can start to spiral downward. So I don't afford having a bad day. I must hold it together every day at all times, so that I won't slip and fall. The other down side is that although world has many nice things to offer for those who have had the change to cultivate their character and social skills, who had the change of having personality, all the is unreachable to me and I just at it through a thick window. Life is happening, I witness it in other peoples lives from afar, but I'm left in this odd place. I think more and more people can relate these days. I have been left into this weird state already for decades.
You do have a personality, I can hear it, I can feel it. You have so much worth, we all do. Please rest, reset & reach out. Take a deep breath, see the beauty all around. Try to find a good therapist, it sure took me a while to find one. Dr Ramini has also been a blessing.
Please don't let others take away your inner beauty.
I know it's not easy, I struggle too. The trauma is overwhelming at times.
Wishing you find healing & you can live your best life. We all deserve it.
@@dianearena2516 thank you for your kind words. 🩷 I have a threapist, she's my only life line. My first therapist was a narcissist, who made many things worse.
exactly here with me. Iam detached from the world.
I feel for you. I can relate. It’s hard for sure but you can do life with robust and passion. I hope the best for you.
Set a plan, like an actual plan. With a set schedule and calendar cycle for the next 3 months. Dont set the plan and schedule for 3-6 months until your 3 months is about to end. The plan is a introductory to society and social networking. Gyms/classes/teams. And going out(anywhere any place tht has music and drinks) and dating apps. These are your 3 elements tht need to be added to this schedule. All the other time is to find a job that is with a larger company or a job tht puts you around tons of people (restaurants/hospitality/big offices full of people)
And when off work make plans to see family and friends you love
Omg I felt so guilty setting my internal boundary, disengaging and not sharing with my mother from a very early age and I feel great now, it’s the only way to have my own life and to stop the gaslighting!! Thank you
U hav divine intellect from childhood..u got ur mom.....so healed and escaped 🎉
What’s even worse is when the flying monkeys around them typically benefit, so they pretend they don’t see the abuse while also being their little enforcer.
DEEP Don't go deep Don't engage Don't explain Don't personalise. This is amazing advice thanks Dr Ramani.
I thought it was going to take a couple months to heal from a narcissis. I have learned that it takee longer now. Depending on how much and how long you was damaged by an narcissis. It may take years or a life time to heal. I have learned that I had to leave a narcissis to heal my heart and soul. Almost broke me. I'm so happy that I saw and realized it . I free myself. I ended it and left for good. Now through healing I am a empathy. I have been dealing with narcissis all my life. Number one person was my mom who is an narcissis. I have learned that I attract narcissis. I have also have dated many narcissis and have friends who are narcissis too. Now that I have accepted it, see it, realized it, and healing. I will do myself best for the rest of my life to never put myself through it again. I got this!
People who need narcissistic behavior are the worst for themselves, because they are to afraid or didn't learn to be authentic and to connect with other people (and themselves) in a honest, dignified, respectful and loving way. They are isolated within themselves and probably the most anxious, lonely and unhappy people because of this inabilities. That's why they need to use control, manipulation and force.
I got out of a relationship 8 years ago that was exactly like this , every single aspect was there.. Im super happy i got away, and it has been now 8 years of being single,.,. :) Need to fully get back out there, but it really has affected me and it was a while ago now. It did change me as a person, im much more self reliant, careful, and single, its amazing how accurate the description is, This is the fist conversation that has explained it so i feel like i understand what happend, So Huge thankyou,.,.,. X
God bless your courage and commitment to yourself.
Great conversation, Dr Chatterjee, as always. You're the best.
Dr Ramani is so amazing, it's great for me to see her again.
What a woman.
She has been instrumental in my understanding what happened to me as the child of a covert narcissistic mother.
From personal experience, I can really measure and feel what she's been through herself and what she has been able to do with it.
Absolutely amazing.
She says it the best: "this is not easy work."
No, indeed.
I'd say for many of us, it's a miracle we've survived at all.
If you haven't lived it, you can't even fathom what it's like.
Absolutely a miracle. Surviving vicious cruel manipulative tyranny is lifelong labor.
💯
@bellelacroix5938 so true my dear, so true.
At 68 years old, imagine, I still struggle.
The trauma part is embedded in the unconscious mind and it is difficult to access it without a cPTSD specialized therapist.
But we're here, aren't we ! Dr Ramani's videos have helped me a great deal.
Wishing the best 🤗
I said that to my son - he said mom , maybe I’m a narcissist. I said - not a chance, when someone is that so sensitive and self reflective - you don’t make the profile. Just a sweetheart work in progress.
Narcissism has always been around. Read the Bible where they talk about the devil. It’s not that red guy with the horns. It’s you mother, your father, your neighbor, your spouse, your boss, etc. Remember one of the first stories in that holy book: Cain who was envious (tell tale sign of narcissism) killed his brother Abel even though God had reached out to him several times.
My mother is a "Covert" Narcissist and I really did not understand this until the past 2 years. My father was very codependent with her. The whole family tip- toed around her and allowed her to control us. My mother was very cold and could not be nurturing, kind or loving. This was so harmful to me my entire life. Thank God for programs like AA, CODA and ACA, and of course my private counselor! Thank you for this informative you-tube video, I am not alone.
A very important topic. Thank you for bringing it to light.
I was involved with a narcissist for 4 years this is SO EXACTLY what it was like. Wow! Love bombing, gaslighting, trauma bomb.... I knew I didnt like it. I didnt know it was a thing! No red flags are disregarded.
I've let narcissists, both familial and relational, destroy my life. Now I live alone in a fairly remote area, I don't leave my house except for necessary errands and appointments, I don't trust anyone except my kids and a couple old friends. I'm just marking time until it's all over.
This is also how I feel and what I’m doing presently. I don’t feel like myself anymore. And I miss me. I miss my energy and my joy.
I now have the lifestyle you're talking about and I live quite remote as well but I still have a lot of dreams and passions to aim for. I know that narcissists have done a lot of damage by limiting my choices and then punishing me when those choices didn't work out but I am resilient and capable. I know my worth including what I have survived. I hope you find your light enough to take some risks again.
I was going to therapy right after i split from a 24+ relationship with a narcissist. I was really annoyed by the therapist because it felt like she was gaslighting me. I went for around 3 months but every time I left, i felt worse than when i went in. So, i dropped her as my therapist. I am wicked nervous about getting another therapist because I need someone who knows about and can help treat narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding.
Ive been out of the relationship for over year and a half.... and i am struggling to begin my new life.
Ive been listening to Dr. Ramani for a year and a half now. I appreciate having the language to describe wtf i went through for 1/2 my life. Now....i just need a decent therapist that wont gaslight me.
A positive support group worked for me. I was lucky enough to come across a few decent therapists, many bad ones out there. I am learning to listen to and trust myself now, I’m 53 and it’s taken this long! Thank you to Dr Ramani, her work is helping so many of us 💕✨🙏🤩
My sisters are narcissists, i told my sister i don't trust you and you dont have my back, i feel she is always pulling me down, no answer, another day she was angry and yelled at me rather than trying to explain, then i was the bad guy, she put it back on me, then i had to explain to her i just want to have a better relationship with you, no answer, i think she does not give a damn about me, she just wants to manipulate me and lord it over me, telling me what to do, never ever says sorry, i am thinking about cutting her off as i don't like being abused and put down, she is shallow, and stupid, theres not much introspection just manipulation!
Dump her.
I believe in that research by Sapolsky, new male baboons joining the group were taught that violence/force (behavior expressed in alpha males) was not the way with them. And the new baboons adapted to the pre-established, more peaceful and mutually cooperative way of existing. I think there's a clip of him somewhere saying, "if the baboons can do it, what's our excuse?" or something along those lines.
I live in rural Australia, I loved this information and all Dr Ramani's TH-cam Videos.
She is brilliant!
I am in my mid 60's and I am very grateful to be learning about these personality styles (a bit late) at this time in my life.
So many people have touched my life over the years and I did not know why I felt "uncomfortable" and with the worst of them "physically and emotionally abused"
Childhood to mid 60's and ?? why I did not understand this pattern of behaviour????
Never too late, I have a lot to learn .......and I will never stop learning.
I have just bought your latest book and hope to always learn more.
Grandchildren are the ones that are now being affected and that is so very, very sad.
I feel powerless to help, and I am a helper..........
When the doc talks about the holes left in her after her abusive relationship I totally get it; there’s part of her thats embedded in me and I'll never entirely get rid of. And yes, this relationship did change me permanently but I learned so much about myself and my genuine worth. In a way I'm grateful for having had to navigate this pain. I'm better for it.
I'm also an Introvert and easily drained when around alot of people. Its important not to fight who you are.
I can relate to everything you said 💯
Not all narcissists are attractive especially the vulnerable type.
Exactly, the vulnerable fragile covert narcissist has a victim mentality and uses that to be rescued by a woman with money, career, property, etc. it is all Fake.
People give Narcissist a pass if their presumed by most to be physically attractive and/or has lots of mone/power .
Thank you Dr Ramani for raising awareness so passionately. These narcissists have normalised this awful harmful behaviour. Time is up.
To learn, learn, LEARN about narcissism: super, SUPER important. ❤
At 51 mins. Dr Ram explained the one thing which I have drove myself crazy about over 7 years. I almost broke down here. This exact thing happened with me. For years she would tell me that she never said or did things, and I felt like i was the one going mental. Years ago i started saving screenshots from messages and making journal entries about the things she said and did. Recently, I raised these things and she would tell me she never said or did these things. I showed her evidence and she then said the exact thing Dr Ram said here. I spent weeks running this over in my head feeling like a terrible person for saving a message or screenshot. Thank you so much 🙏🏽
Aw bless you, I know that shit is hard. You’re doing the right thing. Learn to trust yourself again. 💛💛
@@Ashlee-hh6di thank you for the comment. It is so so hard, but I hope one day I can get there with my healing. It’s hard. I’ve given into everything she wanted and i’m left with hardly any friends as all of the friendships were ruined. Don’t feel like visiting my family. Take on both kids routine every day. With all the facts, its still just so hard. Appreciate you.
Oh yes! Trusting oneself can be a daunting, seemingly difficulty, task. I’m in the process of learning to trust myself as apparently my parents (maybe just dad, I don’t remember much from childhood) exhibited this behavior. Based on how I feel about myself and my actions, it would seem I’m a survivor of this type of abuse. Hard to wrap my mind around honestly…
@@Ashlee-hh6di i really feel for you and hope you do make it through everything 🙏🏽 I had a very long conversation with her today. I spent years moulding myself to her requirements, many times she wouldn’t ask me to change directly. Instead proceed to talk about how i am not enough in various ways, in front of my loved ones and friends. When i changed in all the ways she asked and indirectly asked, I ask her today… what about the things I asked for you to change? support with our family, finances, household chores, childcare responsibilities? All seem to have been forgotten somehow. She often asks me “have i not improved at all?”, my response today was simply “no”. Very hard as we have been married 7 years and twice i have had promotions and felt terrible about sharing the news to her. In the past she’s said things such as “oh its OK for some people, congrats” 😳 really difficult to stay, but something inside is clingling on to hope 😞
Same! I recorded an emotionally abusive rage that became physical and was constantly reminded how untrustworthy I was for recording him… 😒🤨
If someone is not behaving the way we want them to behave we call them narcissist. 🤠.
I'm perfect........💯
Long-time Dr Ramani fan - great interview. I always LOVE Dr R's impromptu impressions of the narcissistic people she's using as an example. They're downright cute, the contrast between the impressions and her normal manner! I love her so much
The Doctor's restraint in a therapy session with a narce is admirable. I will learn from this.
@43:48 this "pattern of hot/ cold ... good/bad ... on/off ... [all the toxic behaviors], peppered with good days" ... SHE DESCRIBED IT SPOT ON! This pattern is an absolute mind f**k. I spent 7 years amidst this confusion, and it's a lonely place. Add to that the narcissistic individual is telling you it's YOU. you're the one who 'can't stay happy and smoothly sail' or 'you have multiple personalities' or 'they can't deal with your tone/ level of anger' ... over and over and OVER ... if only you could just 'be nice' or 'behave' , this relationship would actually work. and YES YES YES , having evidence to prove gaslighting will only make them double down on threats and insults. Find a receipt in the trash from their cheating dinner date? how dare you be such a snoop! they can't be with someone so disrespectful! BLEH ... run fast and far from these people, everyone!!!!!
Haha- the nex never once made a promise to do anything different because he was never the problem. He never said sorry, never took accountability for a single thing and made every single situation worse by just being himself.
#1 sign without a doubt, they are perfect to you at the beginning. They are so wonderful, that you feel like you hit the jackpot, every other relationship in the past was so wrong,and you feel sorry for everyone who hasn't found what you've found unbelievable happiness, only to fall to have you're life ruined.never to trust again.
My husband comes from a family of narcissistic creeps.All brothers except one are married twice or three times.I am my husband's second wife and fool.Took me years to realize this.I have to get the hell out .
You are not a fool. This stuff is so hard. Well done for recognising what is happening and realising you need to leave. Good luck x
Dr. Ramani is doing so much good. And I completely agree with her, mental health and families aren't recognizing this, "thats just how they are." And people that have been affected by these relationships have been woefully undertreated. Finally someone is recognizing narcissism and the harm it can cause. Don't excuse it. Its very serious. So glad we have the Narcissism Knowledge Queen, Dr. Ramani.
I feel like it’s impossible to heal. 😔 I’m really HEARTBROKEN seriously I cannot function normally anymore 😔
Listen to more of Dr. Ramani’s videos and let her help you heal. She has a ton and it really helps to play them over and over.
Me too
My older sister is typical NPD, has been emotionally, mentally, and vocally abusing everyone in our family, I kept telling my mom and my younger sister that she is psycho and stay away from her, but no one has believed me, instead they all say I am not treating her right! 😢
Sounds like you are the family scapegoat.
A tell tale of the NPD is the discard. They choose the time their partner is at their lowest and need them most. They revel in it. My ex left me after a car hit me and put me in a coma with multiple fractures. And she blamed me for hurting her.
Consider yourself lucky
@@Gotprivacy-noyoudont Yes. But the damage is life-altering. I’m not the same person. She destroyed faith in love and trust for me. I look at couples in public and get nauseous. Have not been able to form a relationship since the discard.
I came to learn I am a victim of a Narcissist, and my middle son has been his personal target since a baby. I now realize I am a victim and has been difficult to recover without help in that area
I was hovered. Thirteen phone calls back to back. Then knocking on the door. Then trying to enlist the neighbor to call me for them. Then she threatened me. And finally she attempted to triangulate with 2 people I had introduced her to. None of that worked, but it was pretty frightening. She had already started to devalue me. So I think her motive was power and control over me. Truly I could see she had grown bored with me. I liked her a lot and really wanted to hang on to her 'friendship'. I didn't understand any of this. Then I looked up a certain X- president and the traits began to fly in my face. Your teaching helped me understand the abuse I was accepting. Your teaching helped me understand my whole life of accepting abuse. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
So true, there is such a difference between someone speaking their mind and hate speech.
Too many. Sadly. I am alone with myself. Still better
Much better. ❤️ 💙 💜 yourself.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother but when i grew up im never an entitled child, in fact iam kind, humble and respectful to others. But the fear is there, nervous, but when i learned about Jesus Christ, forgiving others, i was able to forgive my mother and now knows how to handle her, she cannot abuse me anymore especially when i give her the silent treatment, shes trying to make it up with me, not really saying shes sorry but her action shows shes sorry. Because shes old now, shes afraid i will leave her thats why she behaves now.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
(Proverbs 4:23)
What an incredible conversation. I've been listening and learning from Dr Romani for several years now this was still very insightful and helpful. These are not empty words.
The struggle is real…
I just started watching the video and must say I'm happy to see this collaboration! I'm a daughter of a narcissist mother. I moved to a different continent to have peace of mind.
I have a covert narcissist mother. Since I was young she expected me to be there for her every need, but wasn't there for me. I'm now in my 40s and nothing has changed. I realized that I have to break free. I have been considering moving to a different continent to have peace of mind as well. Do you have any advice on that?
Mines a narc too. Still trying to get away from her.
I've had to deal with a group of them in my own family and an ex husband. They all made it their purpose to hurt me extensively only because I was there. The best line of defense is to not be in their reach - no matter who they are. Get away and save your life ..
Thank you. Well stated. 💗
You can still love on people while having personal boundaries. Boundaries are a powerful teaching tool to help others grow. Wonderful video!
Obviously....silence power ..and when to talk ....when not to talk....
Hindsight and all, but after getting away I learned what narcissisism was, he checked all the boxes. Wow.
My mother put me on this road.
She just described a number of traits of few of my past bosses
The gaslighting is the worst. And that everyone believes them
What I find truly amazing is that they attempt to ruin your life, but it's just your phony relationships they ruin. You can't come in-between a strong relationship and you're best holding off ties with some of these people until the dust settles after you leave them. You have some who you bonded with and nothing will separate that. Let the narcissist have anyone who goes over to that side.
Everything they do is horrible, but there's this new found hope you have that can't be snuffed out. You got it the first morning you woke up alone, and knew they would never be in your bed again, you escaped. No matter who or what was sacrificed for this is worth this immense joy.