Raven Burnes Exactly! But never acknowledged where he needed to change and when told, he said there's nothing about him that needs to change. Narcs love playing mind games
@@bentoboxofire7404 Yes, well said, and because they lack the confidence of true creativity, they use "your" words and pretzel twist unrelated events back on to you.
Narcissists: 1. Need for control 2. Low level of empathy 3. Exploitive, manipulative 4. Sense of entitlement, Superiority 5. Oblivious to reality 6. Charming To change: 1. Drop the know it all attitude, want to learn. 2. Solicit imput from others about you. 3. Be specific about what you need to fix. 4. Make yourself accountable, let others know you're trying. 5. Be willing to make mends with others, apologize. 6. Become a student for life of good psychology. Work on: Decency, self restraint when judging, patience with others, honest about negative aspects of self, courteous/gentle to others
The first list you basically described me. I'm all those things and I can be called charming too. Not necceraly in a romantic way. People seem to like me. I'm definitely controlling. At the same time I'm not really self entitled or don't feel superior.
Narcissists: 1.shame 2.chronic emptiness 3. Self esteem regulation problems 4. Insecure or ambivalent attachment styles 5. Superego pathology ......its very hard to suffer from npd
As a healed narcissist, my answer is a resounding YES, the cost may be enormous, but the reward, after almost 30 years, still bring tears of joy to my eyes. A girl that I loved broke through my defenses and showed me who I really was. The glimpse of myself was terrifying, and made me physically ill for more than a decade that followed. I learned to feel, and to weep, but each emotional cut allowed the puss to ooze out of my wounded heart. As the heart healed, the body healed. Dr. Carter, every word of wisdom you share on this channel was exactly what I also found on my own journey. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. I hope you are being real. 2 months ago I broke through to my wife. We have been together since we were 16. We're 43 now. She has done some amazing things with many many hours of realization. She has admitted and seen the consequences. In m9ments of real clarity, I've been able to show her some of the effects she has taken on our 6 year old daughter. My wife has, for now at least, seems to be terrified of who she is. But she wasn't always like that. I just now got some truth and emotion from her about her narcissist parents. Both of them. She has become a vulnerable narcissist. We've been spending time backing up the events that she bottled and regressed. They basically taught her emotions were completely invalid and even had her on medication for many many years.
Viola Gentsch; Narcissists are riddled with demons. Demons will never go away willingly. These demons thrive on creating confusion when they in fact are the ones living in a constant state of frustration. It's an exhausting existence for the narcissist.
Something I really like about this video is that even if you're not a narcissist, it makes us non narcissists take a look at good look ourselves to make sure we are being the best person, friend, relative etc. that we can be. Thank you again for your great videos. Will you be making videos about other types of personality issues/disorders in the future?
No it doesn't. What it does is to tell us we need to continue bending over backwards for a bunch of a-holes who aren't going to budge. Get it into your head that there is no amount of good you can be with those people. Telling you can achiever that good place is not good for anyone and it makes me wonder if Dr. C. is either in la la land, bending over backwards for one or more, or he's a bit of a narcissist himself. Why would you or anyone else give a narcissist credit for anything good when they are only destructive?
So true. While listening to this I made a few notes to myself: study to be a listener, not to be a better person. The N's in my world, my dad and one sister, were (dad's dead) and is (sister is alive) pathological overt N's. They are deep into their disease, and I have zero reason to think that at age 60 my sister will have a moment of awakening, but I am loath to criticize a person without also measuring myself to make sure i'm not just projecting. It's totally true for me that I learn stuff with an aggressive manner...to KNOW more (...but I do a legal work, so this is a tempting posture to take). The idea of learning as a *listening activity* vs. a personal *IMPROVEMENT* activity is a really good way to align oneself as 'living inside community' and not fall into a view of self as superior.
I had to always be in control. My charm was to get people to get what I wanted from them. I was on pain meds and drank a lot. When I had my children (4) they're grown now. Is when I realized the damage I had done. My babies were hurting and all I could do was look at my problems and have everyone feel sorry for me. Then one day one by one, each child left and everything was gone. My childen loved me enough and themselves to say we are free!!!!! I went into the hospital and a team of doctors broke everything down all my malfunctions and mental illness. I understood more in 13 days then I ever did in the 44 years I've been living. I had to change. Once I got out the hospital I started doing a lot of research on narc behavior and I saw Doc video's. The truth is going hurt so bad!! But that's exactly what we need to hear!!!!! GOD BLESS 🙏 Doc, may God continue to grow and bless your video's. 🙏🙏
@@IAmGoddes Indeed it is!!! No fight out of me on that one!!! But it's the only thing that will set you free!! You know longer care nor believe what people think or say about you!! So I took everything that I had to fight and answered to Christ Jesus call!! And the mission now beings. I want to tell the Dr. Thank you for what you do!!! It saves lives everyday!! Thank God for the both of you!! Be Blessed always my friends🙏🌹💖👑💎
Iam a Masterpiece of the DivineCreator wow your so right, I have been hit and Beaton and even scared in the face with an iron , why I keep going back I don't know
very helpful. encouraging..... i was about to move on to the next video. just happened to look down, not interested at all in reading any comments and ... I READ THE FIRST LINE OF A COMMENT THAT HAS JOLTED ME, STRENGTHENED ME TO...CONTINUE PRAYING, FASTING, MANIFESTING...BELIEVING FOR THE PERSON I CARE ABOUT ... THANK YOU GOD, FOR ANOTHER SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if they seem to change I will never trust a narcissist. That being said, I don't wish them harm, quite the opposite, I hope that they'll grow and heal...but I will never, ever trust them. If I did trust them again after all I've been through and know, I would only have myself to blame.
What a sensible reply!! Yes, by all means feel empathy/sympathy for them, as they ARE missing out on happiness in life; also feel empathy/sympathy for their 'victims,' as they did not have the 'wisdom' to keep the narcissist at bay in the first place. It really IS like 2 sides of the same coin. I've stopped being so judgemental, I do still have the odd narcissist in my life; to be honest, I find them quite amusing now, as I don't have to live with them. I don't really care what/how they think as long as they don't mess up my life. Just remember...be VERY careful how much you let them know about your personal business.
Dr c 🌹 I don't know if they can change... And truly I don't care I only know I had to change from being a human doormat To a human being with boundaries and the word NO
We as Empaths need to learn how to let these people go and go forever!! We don't owe them anything!! We've already wasted an endless amount of time (years), energy and expectations on their empty/false/hateful words and empty/false promises. When are we going to FINALLY get tired of their childlike outbursts, childlike behavior and, in my case, failure to EVER be allowed to finish a sentence! For some reason, I have drawn so many Narcissists into my already small world that it's mind-boggling. The next time your Narcissist kicks you to the curb like an empty soda can, 1. RUN, 2. RUN FAST, 3. NEVER LOOK BACK and 4. SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME, ENERGY AND MONEY ON REBUILDING YOUR (AND YOUR CHILDREN'S) SELF-ESTEEM. That's my 2 cents lol Thank you for letting me finish my sentences lol
Jill Hollon Good advice. I’m also an empath. The narcissist who tortured me was a boss, so I couldn’t really get away from him. He had “puppets” too. He sent lies & allegations to upper management for almost 3 years. They believed him, probably due to his position & /or that he is a narcissist (sociopath) so they’re afraid. I never had a fighting chance. He saw to that. I had an attorney & still lost my job. But HIS loss is much greater. When narcs have an agenda they don’t stop til it’s done. I do not consider myself a victim, even tho I was victimized. I’m VICTORIOUS bc God had a better plan! I got out of the narc’s range & am at peace knowing he will get his. Maybe he’s getting it already. 😉
@@rondak7144 Hi Ronda! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to endure such traumatic experiences at your job. I also worked at a job for 3 years under a Narcissistic boss. But I didn't know it had a name back then. I just thought he was an extremely moody, temperamental and a naturally angry person. I'm so thankful you were able to get out from under your boss's control and manipulation. I'm sorry he slandered your name and probably your work, as well. When we work for Narcissists, nothing we do is every good enough or appreciated. I hope you can continue to thrive and persevere as you go forward. I wish you much love, support, peace and blessings always along on your journey~ God bless you, sweetheart~
Jill Hollon Awww! Thank you so much!! That’s so thoughtful of you & I can see you understand from experience. I’m sure you look back with your current knowledge & relive some of those times! I certainly do! By my own nature I did the “gray rock” before I knew it had a name. My observations told me that he HATED to see my mood elevate, feel joy, laugh or talk with coworkers. This infuriated him. I’m sure you know why, & I’m sure this drove him to go after me more! I believe most of these people are labeled with antisocial personality disorder. Anyway thanks for sharing & for your kind words!!😁
He said, “ I know I need to change” . He said he did a lot of changing 12 years ago, but now realized he need to do more. So, why do I want to leave , because I have put up with his narc ways for 46 years. It’s too late for me, but for you young ones who are dealing with a nar, RUN!
Watching these videos has made me stronger and more aware. For a long time I thought it was all me that I had to try to do better, but no matter what I did it would never work out. I stay with the narc because he kept love bombing me , kept me poor and made me wish washy. He saids he has change and realized he needs to do better. The truth is I have changed. I stand for myself when I need too or I go stone silent when I can’t take it anymore. God has shown me how my narc uses his minions to try put me down. My narc is jealous that I am healthy, I love my retirement and I am never bored. I think age has soften a little and made me wiser.
You may be older, but life can always get better. My ex dumped me after 40 years. I was shocked and heartbroken. But boy oh boy, it was the best thing that ever happened to me! I am in my 60’s and alone and staying that way. I am happy and confident for the first time in my life. GET OUT!
I am so glad to come across this video. Based on the symptoms described, I am very sure that I am a Narcissist and being this way has destroyed my life beyond words. I am turning 40 this year and have made a commitment to myself to shed this ugly personality forever. It has been very hard and I keep falling back every now and then. But I am becoming a lot more aware of my behaviors and reactions and able to rectify/ control them a lot better. And I am hopeful that one day I will be able to create this new personality I am working hard on. 🙏
As a victim of narcissists what helped me was radical honesty. It made me kinder and more accepting of others. One has to forgive one's self as well. I can tell you that it's the best thing that could happen to you.
Mine told me, "I'm normal." I said, "Really, you're normal? Do normal people ignore their wives for a month?" Without missing a beat he said, "Yeah. I know a lot of men wo do that." He's either lying or he knows a lot of narcissists.
@@honestbarsteward be aware the grammar in many countries is masculine and when speaking english, the he or his is used for any gender until they learn to speak more fluently.
Lilian esp I agree with you :) you are right. None of these Narcissists see absolutely nothing wrong with their personality at all so for them they don't have to change, it's just us that have to change & that's not fair!!!
I am a narcissist, brought up by a single narcissistic parent, but after 5 year therapy I truly can say that narcissism can be, at least to some extent reverted/pushed-back. The main problem is although that 99% of the time I didn't even know that I need help, I was darn sure that everyone in this world need it, but not me. Weird to say but that's the ultimate frustration when you truly deeply believe that everyone is wrong and yet you are the only unhappy (feeling like a misunderstood/crucified prophet) individual every time. In the process I realized that I couldn't even tell the therapist what am I feeling (!) because the only thing I cared about was her response to my jokes and cheerfulness. I remember asking her why is she asking me about my feelings, because I thought they are unimportant, no one ever talked to me about my feelings and why should I even start discussing it? At that time I guess I could only recognize feelings like punishment, fear, anger and loneliness. I lived in a totally different world, like in a separate reality. My - then - girlfriend brought me to the therapy because he cared for me and I did it although I felt ashamed but somewhere deep inside me I felt that w/o therapy I will hurt her beyond repair. Our relationship didn't withstand it but I'm a different person now and I'm very thankful for the Dr. Carter to propagate this knowledge so keenly! Subscribed!
I’m on the same boat, and starting therapy next month. These videos have made me realise that I have a problem, and if I don’t work on it I’m truly going to be alone in this world. Thanks for your inspiration.
hey i hope you're doing well! can i ask something? i have a narcissistic sister and she has no idea that she is narcissistic and no one can convince her if she does not want to. she went to therapist for anxiety but she quitted. she thinks going to therapy is something to be ashamed of. how can i make her see the truth? i really need help!
This is good. While I am married to a covert, I see some pretty strong narcissistic tendencies in myself. For instance, I’m learning that sharing my opinion isn’t always helpful. The world will continue to turn without me weighing in. I’m also learning that “ louder” doesn’t win. Louder is just obnoxious. And it’s important to hear what others say, not just listening until it’s my turn to talk. People like being heard. And if my feelings are hurt I will explore why. Were they trying to hurt me ( as my covert will do often) or did I take a narcissist injury because I don’t like people thinking I’m not perfect. I will listen to this again. Maybe trying to control others less will help me take better care of myself. Thanks Doc.
Thank you my husband of 15 yrs just told me i am a narcissist we have 3 children together i want to be a change person thank you i am going to do everything you said in your video you are the pro so i know you know what you are talking about
Thank you for your talks. My father was BP and narcissistic. The children, my brothers and I were constantly at odds from a very young age. Our mother was a true, loving, and faithful mother but an abused victim at a time when it was your duty to stay married until death. I thank the Lord for her steadfast faith and love. Now at 57 I recognize the the flaws in my own self and are trying to change my thought process, actions and reactions. Your talks have helped me see things in myself that I was blind to. Also it is helping me deal with my only surviving brother who is extremely covert and abusive to anyone involved closely with him. We have been very distant for nearly 40 years. I could not stand to witness the abusive behaviors of our father in him and his treatment to his wive's , child or our mother. Thus we were at near violent odds. Your talks are giving me tools to change the things I've ask the Lord to help me change. Thank you for being his instrument.
2 yrs ago I could see some of these characteristics in my self, once I brought a child into the world it’s never been the same, I was forced to not be self centered, I learned an amount of empathy I had no idea was possible, my way of thinking opened up entirely, all thanks to my kid
Thank you for this... It is hard to realize that one is selfish... Harsh... Condescending... Especially as a Christian... As you were speaking, the words of Jesus came to mind... "Take my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy, and my burden light..." Thank you for what you do, for bringing to light both the hope that we have for change and the practical steps to get there.
Having it on a spectrum makes so much sense! I was in denial of my ex being a covert narcissist, and I found myself in a coaching role. I broke through a bit, but I found myself exhausted, and spent. I do not have the time or energy to endure this malarkey. So I had to cut contact.
At some point I understood that my friends liked me despite me trying to convince them of my superiority all the time, not because of me doing that. Made my world fall apart, but it had to fall apart
What I learned is that they will not change, and any trying to talk to them and literally beg them to ease up, they only get worse. I had to just learn with my dad to not ask because he would do it 1,000 times more with no remorse. This is why to this very day now that the split second I feel any of that getting near me I EXIT STAGE LEFT.
@@jeanie8831 LORD YES...and that was my dad and he passed away last year and I cared for him to the end and he was the king of taking it to a whole other level to aggravate and torment me. Like I keep saying I am learning ow how to not be stressed 24/7 for 55 years....and moving 5 states away made no difference. My poor mother was a SAINT.
@@COACHCLCHEER You show that you take after your mother...the saint. I would take care of my narcissistic mother if she really needed me, but in the mean while, I have to stay away from her abuse. There are only so many "poison arrows" a soul can take. God bless you in your quest for peace.
Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that any narcissists are listening to this to learn how to improve themselves. The folks listening to this recording are victims of narcissistic abuse who are hoping that there’s a chance for their narc to improve so they can remain with them. Hope dies last. Get away from these individuals as quickly as possible & live a beautiful, narc-free life.
Total Package Detailing LLC Thank you so much for admitting not many do!! May I ask your Astrology sign. It is likely Aries Capricorn Taurus Gemini or Virgo, if not its likey your Moon sign.
Zenith Astrology astrology has nothing to do with NPD. You can be a libra and have NPD, you can be a Cancer and have NPD. NPD isn't an astrology trait for certain signs. It's a mental disorder from psychological abuse, and should be treated as such. Medical Science and Astrology do not mix.
.-.-_- Awe so its a co- incidence Christopher Watts and Shanane Watts just happened along with my narc mother, who abandoned me at 5, it's a co incidents!!! They have SUN and MOON in horned signs? Josh Powell it is a co incidents agian, he has SUN and MOON in horned signs. Its a co incidence his two sons had Capricorn Suns? In horned signs. You have your job, I have mine. Please, I know these people, like the back of my hand, and, never told what to do. Your lucky, i'm even warning you for free.
.-.-_- Its not from psychological abuse it's just abuse!!! And don't tell me what my Virgos mom had intended for me, ill let YOU know. Ask her from the grave I have no sympathy for the demonic. That's why i'm surprised this guy admitted, my mom was Virgo Gemini Moon, and 4 horned. I know my moms chart, has NO abuse!!! But she was an abuser.
Well said! An honest path of understanding in how to come out of Narcissism. I've seen what seemed too be full blown Narcissist's as they age in life, begin to question why the consequences of their narcissism had lead them to loneliness, abandonment and worse. Those are the ones in the higher categories that sometimes gain the mind set to accept what they have been and willing to follow the path which leads to a newer life and contentment inside themselves. For, and I won't say few, I will say some who can take this video to heart, I pray God's blessing upon them to have the courage to accept the truth and honestly with humility follow these excellent steps which will bring about real change.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Thank you I needed this 🙏 I’m going to change and I do want to get serious with being a more mature person. ☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️ I’ve hurt a lot of people with my narcissistic traits. And I’m tired of it. I’m gonna change
I’ve had 20 years of tears, emotional abuse, crazy-making and neglect. Kicked him out twice. Had so many promises of change that lasted from a couple of minutes to a couple of weeks. There is no actual authentic desire or capacity to actually change because there is no empathy. You cannot magic empathy out of the air. Have zero expectations. Do not be emotionally invested in their declaration of change. If they want to change you will not need to prompt, nag, plead. They would just do it.
I received your book Pleasing you is Killing me and Laura’s Ugly Love for Christmas, read a bit of both and they are so insightful. I too was gravitated towards a narcissistic partner in my intimate relationship because I was brought up by one. I have just begun my healing process and some days are hard but I already feel so much lighter. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing your knowledge.
Imagine a narcissist who's willing and trying to heal and make changes, and everyone around them keeps reminding them constantly of what they are, discouraging them, telling them that they will never change... just a bit of advice to anyone who genuinely is a narcissist and wants to change... IGNORE THEM. DON'T HURT THEM. Keep focusing on what YOU want for YOU. Your vulnerability makes you human. Please start believing in yourself.
First of all, just want to say thank you for these amazing messages. Shortly after I was “enlightened” to the idea that my husband might be a narcissist, I listened to two audiobooks and countless other videos trying to find out how to move forward in my interactions with him. Your videos have been the MOST helpful in my understanding of who he is and how I need to think and act in his presence. In an argument we had before I was “enlightened “ I was trying to discuss how important it is to see things from others’ perspective and he responded, “I’m tired of this bull**it. My perspective is my reality and that’s all that matters!!!” If I had any doubt before, I think this video removed the last little bit I had. Again, thank you so much for this video and all the others. You are bringing healing into my life ❤️
God. The Living God. In my experience, He is crucial to a successful marriage. My wife would have left me decades ago had it not been for her faith in God; her faith that He hears her, He loves her, and wants the best for her. He is “a present help in time of need.” Less than 2 hours ago, I was beginning to feel angry, fearful and frustrated. I went to the bedroom, got down on my knees, and I shared with God how I was feeling. I asked him to take the feelings away. After I had prayed, I went back to the living room, and the anger, fear and frustration were gone. In my prayer, in my mind, I can shout, I can scream, I can think very bad things toward someone or something. I “lay them at His feet” and leave them there. He is a NECESSARY resource for me. I HIGHLY recommend Him.
I’m not a narcissist but I came here because I am married to one. The funny part is that I didn’t really take anything from this video for his improvement but took quite a bit for my own self improvement lol. I feel this can apply to anyone, and it’s great to have those gentle reminders that can keep our egos in check, narc or no narc. Thank you so much for your videos! Much appreciation for what you do on your channel! :)
My neighbor's came to me on two different occasions and said that my narc dad ruined most of my life. They said he also ruined my sister's and brother's lives.
Sheer beauty and simple truth, Dr. Carter. You help me to be strong, grow, heal... and what is more, to remain hopeful and able to believe in love. God bless you... Thank you.
My husband grew up in a cult of family with both parents and his sister being Narcissists. He is an Empath. But he struggles with a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. He is 35%-50% on the Narcissistic curve. He is just now becoming aware in his 50s. I am proud of his progress. Time for our Hell to stop.
Yes we can change. It’s a lot of hard work to actually learn compassion and kindness. To see it in yourself is a psychological crisis, and overcoming that crisis is a vertical battle. But that first sense of compassion and empathy is like receiving oxygen, a memory of how it felt as a small child before the hurts came. I appreciate this channel, the understanding and awareness that narcissists are human beings who have a huge struggle ahead of they are willing to undertake it. For anyone who is discouraged with themselves, it can be helpful to study neuroplasticiy, and different therapies that will help you encounter your habits and mindsets.
True, neuroplasticity is one of the keys to get away from that disorder or traits. Compassion, kindness, empathy, love. Therapy will work as well. It's mostly about how you think, react and behave, it can be changed, there is a light in the end of long, dark and full of potholes tunnel.
@Deplorable Cat 100% disagree. Empathy and compassion are learnable skills. We are ALL narcissistic at birth. Some of us are nurtured into empathy, others are NOT given that crucial love and are stuck in their childhood narcsissism, until they are nurtured into it by others or themselves. Awareness and constant action are key.
Deplorable Cat as children we are the center of attention. And we develop the belief that our needs are all that matter. We believe we are the center of the universe. This is a human thing and part of normal development. You either get nurtured out of that state, or you’re not given the appropriate amount of love and you STAY there. But childhood narcissism is a stage in EVERY human experience. Unless you were just a Buddha since birth and all the way through. I don’t know you, so I won’t assume you are or not.
Honestly, I've watched a number of your videos, realized I am a narcissist, and you didn't give me any hope, then I found this one and it encouraged me. I want change, but at the same time, I know it won't be easy, but I have a starting point. I knew I had a problem, but didn't know what, or how to deal with it, now I do, thank you.
My father-in-law was 100% an overt narcissist. It took a year of him caring for my mother-in-law ill with cancer which lead to her death to change him. Sad that so many in the family was damaged by his actions before he changed. My husband was damaged most. My husband was the most sensitive child in the family. Before his father died my husband was able to spend time with the person his father became later in life and able to love that person. As for my father he never changed and stayed a bitter man all his life and left me to deal with the issues I was left with. My husband and I being a couple who both were raised by narcissists, caused our marriage to be a real challenge for over 40 years. Some how we have come to a comfortable stage in our lives at this time. I refused to be bitter. I found inner peace knowing I did the best I could with what I was given in life. I accept the mistakes and decisions I made in life along with the consequences. I am slowly resolving/dissolving any regrets I have in exchange for finding joy in the peace I have now.
thank you dr carter for your work. it is great comfort to hear you talk so clearly abt this subject. and it helps to learn and keep learning from video to video and from week to week.
When narcissist sees this, they will say "I am entitle and deserve to be who I am. I dont need to change. PEOPLE around me NEED to CHANGE instead. They need to know that I deserve to be me and people just need to be themselve. They need to learn how to HANDLE ME, ME ME!!!!!!"
I want to change. I hurt someone I love for so long without even realizing. Our break up was "mutual" until I looked back on it and saw all my hurtful words and behaviours over the year. I will change even tho it's too late for us. Love you S 💔❤
Wow! So narcs can change? What does it take to realize or to admit it? When you lose someone? Sorry to ask this (I’ve been with a narc so just curious) What does love mean to a narc? I called him out. I make him read about narcs characteristic traits, recorded our conversations and let him hear it. He seemed to be ashamed of how he talked to me, treated me but he does it again. Nothing changes really. Can I still hope that he would change like you did? Or can you be certain that you wouldn’t go back to narcs behaviors again?
@@maris1758 definitely took losing the someone to realize how much I cared. I've definitely changed for the better but its hard to tell how much. All people are a work in progress and it took loss for me to realize that I'm not just "I am who I am" that there are things you can work to change about yourself
Thank you Dr. You are a god send. I recently stumbled upon Narcissism and discovered I am that person and was clueless. I desperately want to change and will work tirelessly on your words. God bless!
I want to say thank you for all your videos. I have finally cut off my father after years of his financial manipulation, and I want you to know this information you provide is amazing. I feel such a burden lifted from my shoulders, and as an empath, ive always wanted to see him change. thank you.
It is remarkable how this mans videos always are unedited. He really has these topics under complete control, and delivers them in such a gentle and friendly yet authoritative way.
It’s not a matter of “can” they change.. it’s a matter of “will” they change.. even if they know they’re a narc, and most do know that, they just don’t care if their behavior is hurting other people. To change they’d have to care and they just don’t.
I suspect they are in a constant state of change. Their deep shame is that they know there is something very messed up in them. They hit a low source point so they smarten up their behavior to appeal to a new nurturing person. But eventually the high of someone new believing in them doesn't bring the same feeling and they start falling back into their bad habits. They sincerely valued that person but when that person starts seeing the bad habits, it's a real downer and gone is the incentive to put forth the effort of being different.
Dr. Carter, you are such a gift to humankind. Your kind, perceptive analysis and practical illustration of the path to healing really transcends the psychological spectrum of human existence. You make the world a better place and renew my sense of the basic goodness in humanity. How courageous you are to dive right in to the deepest depravity of the human soul and emerge so seemingly unscathed. Please take care.
Thank you for delivering this valuable information, it has helped me to see how I was in a relationship with narcissist, that literally caused me to have two heart attacks. Made me question my own sanity, put me down with harsh words, was a racist, bi sexual, compulsive liar and manipulative human being, while using NLP studies, his self righteous beliefs, his sense of superiority, with an uncanny ability to make you feel we were at fault, that we provoked them to be the way they were. Behaving covertly , secretive, and exploding in rage and anger when confronted. I am most grateful for your knowledge Infinite blessings to you and your loved ones.
"Can they change"? This is the first detailed list of behavioral challenges I've seen that convey a sense of Hope. In Faith, I believe that all things are possible. After an honest evaluation of each of the changes- reality and experience have demonstrated that: The NPD, malignant, covert or overt- would have to turn themselves inside out- perform a complete overhaul of themselves, the damage done and be willing to do the work it takes. It seems, that by their very nature- that is not only a practical impossibility, but an inconceivable one. God be with them. Heal the wounds that made them do such harm.
What a breath of fresh air you are. Thank you so much for your videos. I've been cram watching them for several days. And I could easily watch them over and over again and probably will. Your voice is soothing and full of wisdom. So very helpful.
Listening to this, I just realized I was gaslighted by a narcissist who claims to be an empath 😬. Now I'm stuck being confused. However this was a good reminder on how to be a good friend.
This is the work of the Holy Spirit. Only him can transform any disorder permanently.. Be a disciple of the Lord Jesus and humanity, humility will overflow..
Not a diagnosed narcissist, but whenever I watch videos of analyzing narcissism I find that I identify with all the toxic traits. I've hurt more individuals than I can ever consider, and knowing that I have caused someone somewhere to probably bring me up to a support system of professional has pushed me to change. I am young and still live with my parents but they're on board with taking me to therapy. I try my best to isolate myself from others so I can't hurt anyone else before then. I used to cry whenever I was confronted with the truth that I'm not a good person, but now I accept it and want to change, for the better of this world, because one narc like me can absolutely devastate, and I would never want to see that.
"Be the change" is a good advice, I think =) - if you have someone close to you in your life, try to make sure that your'e not tolerating that kind of behivor. But, not in a harsh way, just be the "bigger person" so that your dear one can learn from your healthy way of living and dealing with different kind of situations. Thankie for another good one, Les =)
@@patrickjohnson8741 thank you. I’m very conscious of my intentions and stay vigilant around people that can trigger my undesirable traits. Toxic people make toxic company. It’s like trying to find a nice place to sit at the garbage dump. :)
May I ask you a few questions?Were you toxic to the point of being physically abusive? The narcs in my family abused me emotionally, mentally and physically as well. Despite all the kindness and forgiveness I have shown to them through the years, their cruelty seems to have no bounds. These are full-blown narcs who cant feel empathy.The one common thing absent in them is spirituality. How did your change come about? Did you have a spiritual awakening??
@Malcolm Jones....Based on your comment, you are definitely not a narcissist, but likely have been a selfish, bratty person all of your life. Narcissist do not admit that they have a problem. They are not interested in change; they have no guilt....no empathy...which you display in your comment. Again, YOU ARE NOT A NARCISSIST.
You're a dirtbag. Just kidding, don't listen to a random internet guy. You really are awesome you just don't know how other people expect to be treated and try that
@@aspen311 He did say it was on a spectrum. I was raised by a Narc and married a Narc for a while, so I know I picked up some of those traits. For instance, I can listen to someone else's (verbalized, obviously) thoughts and accept when they're different, but if there is something particular about them (someone I may think is a possible future GF for instance) I completely lose that ability. I had a horrible fight with someone because they didn't like sci-fi and fantasy. It was because I thought we were clicking romantically, and so I was scared of her not accepting part of me. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether someone likes sci-fi and fantasy or not. Really, it wasn't VITAL that she fit exactly what I wanted in a partner, but I got nasty because I'd set myself on this idea already. He talks about being a know-it-all. I'm a conditional know-it-all. In the somewhat narrow band of thing I think I understand, I act like a know-it-all, but that band was much bigger in the past. I once got into an argument with a personal trainer (not MY trainer) because she encouraged working out 5 days a week (different muscle groups, obviously) and I had been reading that not getting enough rest after workouts was a recipe for serious damage. Of course she knew more than I did, but I acted like an expert when I wasn't because of something I had been reading recently. She wasn't even someone I was interested in romantically, it was just that I thought I knew what I was talking about. So I have some narc traits and it's going to be really hard to get rid of them.
I always had a view of narcissists as the villains in movies, or the wall st tycoon. It wasn’t until my therapist wanted me to really focus on improving my empathy, read books and checklists and when I realized I didn’t feel any emotion resonating from the books or worksheets I had a huge realization that I had high narcissistic tendencies. I brought this up to my therapist and she said let’s not put the cart before the horse, but it’s possible. The scary part is that the empathy doesn’t come naturally and she said it’s just shutoff as a coping mechanism to deal with toxic people throughout my life. I’m hoping I start feeling empathy naturally without needing a checklist to be sure I’m normal. Long road ahead.
Mike, ask Jesus, He will give it to you! There the journey doesn't last long at all 'cause He said:" ASK and it shall be GIVEN to you! Knock and it shall be opened! Seek and you shall find!" 🤗
Hemmingway said, paraphrasing that, The world breaks us all, we come back stronger in the broken places. 🙏🏼Gratirude x10 Dr. Les you are a beautiful voice in a complicated relationship. Blessings to you.🤗
Thank you so much for this video! So so helpful, giving me practical things to think about. And the perspective about the "percentage" of narcissism is very helpful. I get discouraged when I see all the things about narcissists never being able to change, but maybe I am not full blown NPD, but rather am on the spectrum, since I do see these things about me and want to change them but feel frustrated by the slow process or when I feel like I "can't" change. And another commenter mentioned that narcissists can't change because they can't "grow" empathy, but I truly believe that God can restore that in my heart, and if I can travel deep enough into myself to explore my shame, then I can be free from it and learn to truly love myself and others.
I was talking to a good friend earlier and she said some of the kindest things that has ever been said to me and I honestly teared up. For one because it was just so nice of her and two because I know everything she said wasn't true. I know I'm a spiteful and selfish person, but she said the opposite. Idk if I'm a narcissist or if my friend is just seeing a mask of mine, but hearing all the things that my friend said to me made me wanna change to the person she thinks I am. Thank you for the video Dr. C I'll work on myself.
@@papagrande7448 Every one of us is born with both "good and evil" natures. Your friend is probably the type who looks for the GOOD in others. If so, you are blessed to have such a friend and to be able to recognize some areas of your life you may need to work on.
Papa Grande : god sees all the bad in us and he still loves us. So your friend is right. She saw all the beautiful self you can be. That is how God sees us too.
Only better actors in the easiest of things when they know you don’t like their ways, they still have the same plan for you. They don’t have the capacity to be thoughtful of other people and they don’t want to do the work for the lifestyle they feel they are entitled too...and so they mismanage their money greatly and burn through others, crossing boundaries in many ways. They look for someone to take care of them, and they have loads to dump on you. They are predators who strike back when their crazy expectations aren’t allowed by you. They have the role of people mixed up in their head. They’re self centered so are only thinking about what they want, not you, which gets crazy because they can also be a different sexual orientation. They aren’t trustworthy on enough counts to waste your time on. Meet new people.
I actually think they cand learn emphaty because they need to. I don't think people get something about narcissists...you don't need emphaty to change, you need fear or other emotion, and they have a lot. Its not like they live a good live, they feel miserable and don't know why + in the end they are left behind by everyone, witch they already expect happening without understanding the real problem. Its confusing and it hurts for them too.
Recoving narcs knows the moves of the evil people. We have a blue print to know their every move!! Just life people convert from narc, to recovering narc to NO NARC at all!!! YES GOD CAN DO JUST THAT!!! I can spot a narc a mile away. You now have the glasses to see their demons!!! You know the ones who have a chance of changing. And the ones that will never change for a human. But they MUST for GOD!! Read about Paul in the bible!!! He turned from his wicked way!!! Continue to listen to Dr. C videos. He can show you just how to get from under the narc very tight grip.
I believe I was an extreme narcissist (vulnerable narc to be specific) in my early 20s. It took extreme heartbreak and seeing the damage I caused those close to me to cause me to reflect and truly change. Not sure about where I was on the spectrum, but a lot of my behavior was similar. I was just afraid of people seeing my flaws so I tried to control things around me so that nobody could see how vulnerable I was.
What would you say to a narcissist to get them to want to wake up? It's as if they truly are the living dead feeding off of people's souls. What would you say to make them think?
Dr. Carter, Your words are amazing. I am married and just recently figured that my wife is Narcissistic. I believe that they can take their 1st step. My wife was all packed up to go and I told her I love her with all my heart and I honestly have a feeling what's wrong with. I told her to please listen to me and don't react. I told her I think she is Narcissistic because she has just about all the signs. She broke down and said I don't know why I get the way I do. I feel fear since I was a kid. She said I know how to let go easy and go on but not with you. She said, "Im and scared my mother has always put me down and tell me I need help" Doctor she started reading about it and she is listening to me. But is admitting some thing is nit right and tired of hiding in her own shell. She doesn't want to lose me. If I have one more shot at saving this marriage I will. But I told her ahe needs to see the world in a different way. She asked me hiw do I do it. I try to turn her negative thoughts into positive. I don't want to get my hopes up. Known her for 11 yrs out of the 11 yrs we've been seeing each other for 2yrs and married for over a year. After listening to you today. She has taken some of your steps. Don't know if I should give it one more try. by the way I didn't see the signs until we got married. We were separated for 7 months because she went back to her country and she came back again. That's when I started seeing each side of. That's when I started seeing this side of her even more
I was looking at this video and it saddened me. As much as I would like my wife to change, the things he listed made me realize that it would be a near impossible task😔
parinaz Az just because you ask Jesus for a miracle, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen! Stop giving false hope to someone who’s in pain and has come here looking for advice/help. I truly believe that Jesus will help those who come to Him and ask for help, but it has to be the narcissist who humbly comes to Him.
Pride --- Proverbs29:1 Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed--without remedy. In order to heal and change they would have to humble themselves but they are proud and arrogant and never wrong... so... narcissism sticks.
Thank you sooo much, so much love in your words. I just want to let you all know, that chance is truly possible. But I'm not that quiet sure, if it depend on the level of narcissism. I was the worst person, to anyone, to me too. I had to asked myself go on living or stop. Going on with narcissism was not possible. Chance is like losing wight of 200 pounds, stop smoking or drinking, becomming an adult... Not everyone will fix it, but some are changing, but don't wait for it. I'd like to say a word to all of you, maybe in bad english, maybe it's stupid: Don't wait for love, you still got it inside. Loving your self means leaving narcissism and narcissistes no matter if it sucks yourself or others.
Dr. Les Carter, thank you. One of the things I've really enjoyed about your videos and your teachings is the fact that you don't demonize the narcissist. The reality is that these are people we love, or have loved. I appreciate the way you call us, the recipients/victims of narcissism to higher ground. Can you please continue to create videos with this bent, they are so helpful, as I come to the realization that I can only change myself and how I react to narcissistic behaviors. Thank you. Keep up the good work.
They definitely can change. I am a former therapist and have seen it first hand. I also had alot of narcissistic traits when I was younger that needed change. I went through the difficult process of changing my own tendencies. It requires a willingness and lots of work. Although you feel quite comfortable in your new mind where you are not as special as you once thought. Change is great if you embrace it and do the work required. Most do not change due to the discomfort of their own deep truths.
Best video ever. Making it available on TH-cam, in this society and at this time, has got to be a Jefferson medal level of outstanding contribution to public health. Thank you so much for doing this.
Patience..... everyone needs a dose of improvement in this virtue. Not just the Affected Individuals concerning this Topic. However, this is the most insightful and helpful segment of all of your videos. Thank-you isn't sufficient enough to express my gratitude in your direction.
Dr. Carter, thank you. I can't say it enough. Your work has helped me so much as I try to understand how to relate to an 81 year old narcissistic mother. The damage is profound, but I can be respectful and firm.
I was a terrible destructive narcissist and would like to share my healing story. A bit of background: I was brought up in a privileged way that made me spoilt. At home, I was adored too much, but then at school I get bullied often, and then my parents divorced. I became narcissistic from a young age, and my first victim was my younger brother. I really thought I was smarter than most people. I referred to the 'dumb' masses as sheeple. I really thought that my views were unique/special. I took pride in being a non-conformist. My default mode was negativity - I was snarky with remarks, especially to those closest around me. I destroyed most relationships around me, for many years I discarded friends and relatives like they were nothing, over stupid things. I lost my first GF because I called her names and belittled her. I lost many friends. At that time I even thought good riddance. Fast forward many years of this destructive mode - and I am now standing on an apocalyptic wasteland looking at all the damage around me. What finally did it for me, was then I flew off in a stupid narcissistic rage recently, and now my wife is thinking of leaving me. She pointed me to look up narcissism, and the more I dug up the facts. The more I started to realise the truth of my actions and my destructive nature. I have been actively steering myself away from being narcissistic ever since. I truly feel that one of the keys to doing this is to let God back into my heart. Its so hard really to change the way of thinking... I have this overly critical mind that defaults to saying negative things. I tend to try and get into people's 'good books' for no other reason than I think it would be useful later on. These kind of thought must be actively quashed. The problem is that even though I don't act on it,,,, I still have the thoughts pop up in my head. I sincerely want to change and drive out this evil force. I have never been religious, but now I am looking to open my heard to a higher power, Pls God Help me, Forgive me and help me purge my bad ways. I am sorry for all the pain I caused. It was hard but I started making amends with the people I raged at earlier in life its still an ongoing process for me
They first have to admit there needs to be a change in order to change. I don’t see them making that discovery about themselves. You’ve mentioned all healthy solutions and these people are far from healthy.
even if they can “change” it wouldn’t be permanent- they may temporarily change towards whoever their current supply is or whoever it is they are pursuing- but we all know what happens - devalue & discard. one thing that will probably not change is their boredom/eventual dissatisfaction with those who were tricked into loving them
Very good advice. Treat people like you want to be treated and honesty is the best policy. Sometimes with narcissist it's good to treat them like they treat you so they can see how rude they're being.
Thank God for these teachings so I can learn to heal from what has happened, restore who I am, be free and continue to move on and away from people like this.
I find this wonderful advice for the average person with some relationship issues. But a true narcissist will claim he already possesses every one of these good qualities ( and likely will convince you too) and will tell YOU that you need to improve.
I just watched one of your other videos and this was exactly the question that came to my mind. My father is a narcissist and I've been trying for so long to help him be better but to no avail. Thank you so much for making good and informative content about this painful topic. It helps.
I hope there are people out there struggling with these tendencies who would heed this advice. In my experience, the narcissist would not only not make these changes, but would laugh at the people 'pathetic' enough to attempt these changes. THAT is a narcissist
Dear Dr Carter I certainly have learned a lot Bout MYSELF from these narc videos- although I watched initially be cause of others. You are a great help.
I lived with Narcissists the last four years, and I have been showing narcissistic tendencies the last couple of weeks, so thank you for this video. I want to change, change is what I need and change is what has to happen. Awesome video, and I appreciate this important lesson that I need to become better person. Thank you sir.
I realized that I have very strong covert narcissistic traits. I think I very well am one. I have been diagnosed with BPD and have other overlapping cluster B traits. It has been very distressing to me and honestly, I have empathy, so I was confused. I have been an overly sensitive, *empathetic*, compassionate and perceptive person ever since I was young. I recently came across an article about "empathic narcissists". If anyone can relate to what I said here, it is very well worth looking into.
What you described is "not" a narcissist changing. It is simply a narcissist putting on his mask and faking a different personality and fooling people, until he gets what he needs. Psychology experts have already determined from extensive research that a narcissist can NOT change. So don't waste your most valuable time. MOVE ON and QUICKLY.
@@aspen311 But this doctor is saying we can change? Maybe not those narcs who are at the very end of the spectrum, or malignant? I'm sure I'm a narc and I've realized it four years ago, went back to old unconscious life and behaviour, but now I'm determined to not let that happen again... IDK, I'm scared of myself.
@@0FFICERPROBLEM Psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health professionals, through extensive research and study on the subject of narcissists have determined that there is no treatment, therapy or anything else that can be used to help the narcissist change. It is a mental disorder and there is NO CURE, NO PILL, NO THERAPY, that can change the NARCISSIST PERSONALITY. He/she is who they are for life.
@@aspen311 You understand narcissism exists on a spectrum (everyone has some dose of it, it's a fundamental personality trait) ? Might it be those you refer to as 'unchangeable' are those with NPD who are unable to acknowledge there's something wrong with them? Diagnoses are for professionals to have a common language for research and treatment. People still have individually unique psyches. Therefore there's stories of people diagnosed with "NPD" who've managed to change, at least their behaviour, long term.
@@0FFICERPROBLEM We are talking about REAL NARCISSISM, the type of people that set out to hurt and destroy their victims, .and derive joy and pleasure from it. Most, if not all, people with this mental disorder do not even want to admit that they have a problem, so getting therapy is not even a possibility. Even, if the Narc agreed to go to counseling, they would simply put on their mask and gas light the therapist. So, again no...there is no treatment available for the NARC. The best thing that any person can do is get as far away from the NARC as possible...simply disappear if you can and have absolutely no contact with them.
greatly appreciate your videos Dr. Carter. My 85 year old dad's narcissist behaviour is deeply ingrained. He has made a mess of our family and been nothing but abusive and neglectful to my mother (who had a stroke 3 years ago). We were finally able to "rescue" her and is now in a care home, but he has access to her, so the battle continues. we have tried to involve police, but they won't assist as they are fooled by his "charm" when they have spoken to them. He has single handedly destroyed our family, caused division between my brothers and I, and put my put mother in a position where she wants to just die. Its horrible. The narcissist is the most dangerous and destructive personality.
My ex-narc was always saying he was open to learning and change. Only problem was, it wasn't true. Just sounded good.
Theyll say whatever might help create a good image to the person they're trying to manipulate.
Raven Burnes Exactly! But never acknowledged where he needed to change and when told, he said there's nothing about him that needs to change. Narcs love playing mind games
I just have to say I can relate. 🥰🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗😎😀😀😀😀
Amazing the amount of work they put into building that facade.
@@bentoboxofire7404
Yes, well said, and because they lack the confidence of true creativity, they use "your" words and pretzel twist unrelated events back on to you.
Narcissists:
1. Need for control
2. Low level of empathy
3. Exploitive, manipulative
4. Sense of entitlement, Superiority
5. Oblivious to reality
6. Charming
To change:
1. Drop the know it all attitude, want to learn.
2. Solicit imput from others about you.
3. Be specific about what you need to fix.
4. Make yourself accountable, let others know you're trying.
5. Be willing to make mends with others, apologize.
6. Become a student for life of good psychology.
Work on: Decency, self restraint when judging, patience with others, honest about negative aspects of self, courteous/gentle to others
Ash thank you! I watched the whole vid, but lists help me remember the content.
Am genuinely greatful for this info
The first list you basically described me. I'm all those things and I can be called charming too. Not necceraly in a romantic way. People seem to like me. I'm definitely controlling. At the same time I'm not really self entitled or don't feel superior.
Narcissists:
1.shame
2.chronic emptiness
3. Self esteem regulation problems
4. Insecure or ambivalent attachment styles
5. Superego pathology
......its very hard to suffer from npd
They are losers all of them
As a healed narcissist, my answer is a resounding YES, the cost may be enormous, but the reward, after almost 30 years, still bring tears of joy to my eyes. A girl that I loved broke through my defenses and showed me who I really was. The glimpse of myself was terrifying, and made me physically ill for more than a decade that followed. I learned to feel, and to weep, but each emotional cut allowed the puss to ooze out of my wounded heart. As the heart healed, the body healed. Dr. Carter, every word of wisdom you share on this channel was exactly what I also found on my own journey. Thank you.
Thanks for your story! You are an inspirations. Dr. C
Thank you. Thank you. I hope you are being real.
2 months ago I broke through to my wife. We have been together since we were 16. We're 43 now. She has done some amazing things with many many hours of realization. She has admitted and seen the consequences. In m9ments of real clarity, I've been able to show her some of the effects she has taken on our 6 year old daughter. My wife has, for now at least, seems to be terrified of who she is. But she wasn't always like that. I just now got some truth and emotion from her about her narcissist parents. Both of them. She has become a vulnerable narcissist.
We've been spending time backing up the events that she bottled and regressed. They basically taught her emotions were completely invalid and even had her on medication for many many years.
Wow beautiful! So happy for you ❤️
Wow!!! Someone ELSE who broke free!! How absolutely marvelous! Never say never! Never give up!
Why did it make you feel physically ill I felt lightened and relieved.
My ex/ narc told me he wanted to change and seek counceling. I played one of your videos for him. He lasted approximately 2 minutes.
I'm guessing this is your way of saying his statement about change wasn't exactly sincere. Dr. C
Dawn, son.
That's probably 1.5 minutes longer than mine would have lasted.
Viola Gentsch; Narcissists are riddled with demons. Demons will never go away willingly. These demons thrive on creating confusion when they in fact are the ones living in a constant state of frustration. It's an exhausting existence for the narcissist.
@@SurvivingNarcissism yep
They cannot change if they don't want to. The change has to come from inside themselves not anybody.
Precisely. Dr. C
Something I really like about this video is that even if you're not a narcissist, it makes us non narcissists take a look at good look ourselves to make sure we are being the best person, friend, relative etc. that we can be. Thank you again for your great videos. Will you be making videos about other types of personality issues/disorders in the future?
Really?
No it doesn't. What it does is to tell us we need to continue bending over backwards for a bunch of a-holes who aren't going to budge. Get it into your head that there is no amount of good you can be with those people. Telling you can achiever that good place is not good for anyone and it makes me wonder if Dr. C. is either in la la land, bending over backwards for one or more, or he's a bit of a narcissist himself. Why would you or anyone else give a narcissist credit for anything good when they are only destructive?
Most likely not in this channel unless he change his channel from surviving narcissism to....
True
So true. While listening to this I made a few notes to myself: study to be a listener, not to be a better person. The N's in my world, my dad and one sister, were (dad's dead) and is (sister is alive) pathological overt N's. They are deep into their disease, and I have zero reason to think that at age 60 my sister will have a moment of awakening, but I am loath to criticize a person without also measuring myself to make sure i'm not just projecting. It's totally true for me that I learn stuff with an aggressive manner...to KNOW more (...but I do a legal work, so this is a tempting posture to take). The idea of learning as a *listening activity* vs. a personal *IMPROVEMENT* activity is a really good way to align oneself as 'living inside community' and not fall into a view of self as superior.
I had to always be in control. My charm was to get people to get what I wanted from them. I was on pain meds and drank a lot. When I had my children (4) they're grown now. Is when I realized the damage I had done. My babies were hurting and all I could do was look at my problems and have everyone feel sorry for me. Then one day one by one, each child left and everything was gone. My childen loved me enough and themselves to say we are free!!!!! I went into the hospital and a team of doctors broke everything down all my malfunctions and mental illness. I understood more in 13 days then I ever did in the 44 years I've been living. I had to change. Once I got out the hospital I started doing a lot of research on narc behavior and I saw Doc video's. The truth is going hurt so bad!! But that's exactly what we need to hear!!!!! GOD BLESS 🙏 Doc, may God continue to grow and bless your video's. 🙏🙏
Your honesty is refreshing. Dr. C
Bravo 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yes Amen it is so hard to handle telling yourself the truth about your issues.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so very much 🙏💎👑 It is the most amazing feeling in the world to be free🙌🙌🙌👏👏👏🙏🙏💖💕🌹💎💎
@@IAmGoddes Indeed it is!!! No fight out of me on that one!!! But it's the only thing that will set you free!! You know longer care nor believe what people think or say about you!! So I took everything that I had to fight and answered to Christ Jesus call!! And the mission now beings. I want to tell the Dr. Thank you for what you do!!! It saves lives everyday!! Thank God for the both of you!! Be Blessed always my friends🙏🌹💖👑💎
I love this guy. He's so soothing and warm and compassionate!
Like fresh warm cornbread, from the South!
@@alanalbin1988 Awww! You're right!
More like a Pastor. The qualities he described above are from the Holy Spirit
@@laughfirst7736 Very true ! I could see him being a great Pastor too
Oh yes, they’ll only “change” for you to lower your guard, then hit you even harder....
Iam a Masterpiece of the DivineCreator wow your so right, I have been hit and Beaton and even scared in the face with an iron , why I keep going back I don't know
@@paulsarson5335 You need to develop self love to stop getting hurt again and again. You deserve better! Good bless you!
yup..hit harder, Later
Anyone is capable of changing
You got that right!
very helpful. encouraging..... i was about to move on to the next video. just happened to look down, not interested at all in reading any comments and ... I READ THE FIRST LINE OF A COMMENT THAT HAS JOLTED ME, STRENGTHENED ME TO...CONTINUE PRAYING, FASTING, MANIFESTING...BELIEVING FOR THE PERSON I CARE ABOUT ... THANK YOU GOD, FOR ANOTHER SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if they seem to change I will never trust a narcissist. That being said, I don't wish them harm, quite the opposite, I hope that they'll grow and heal...but I will never, ever trust them. If I did trust them again after all I've been through and know, I would only have myself to blame.
Exactly! Great comment.
What a sensible reply!! Yes, by all means feel empathy/sympathy for them, as they ARE missing out on happiness in life; also feel empathy/sympathy for their 'victims,' as they did not have the 'wisdom' to keep the narcissist at bay in the first place. It really IS like 2 sides of the same coin. I've stopped being so judgemental, I do still have the odd narcissist in my life; to be honest, I find them quite amusing now, as I don't have to live with them. I don't really care what/how they think as long as they don't mess up my life. Just remember...be VERY careful how much you let them know about your personal business.
Noctifer Darkling yes trust is a big one for me
Noctifer Darkling Yes trust is a big one for me
Yep.
Fooled once is a victim... Fooled twice is a volunteer.
Dr c 🌹
I don't know if they can change...
And truly I don't care
I only know I had to change from being a human doormat
To a human being with boundaries and the word NO
Can cancer be healed, can God forgive a sinner and send them to Heaven?
We as Empaths need to learn how to let these people go and go forever!! We don't owe them anything!! We've already wasted an endless amount of time (years), energy and expectations on their empty/false/hateful words and empty/false promises. When are we going to FINALLY get tired of their childlike outbursts, childlike behavior and, in my case, failure to EVER be allowed to finish a sentence! For some reason, I have drawn so many Narcissists into my already small world that it's mind-boggling. The next time your Narcissist kicks you to the curb like an empty soda can, 1. RUN, 2. RUN FAST, 3. NEVER LOOK BACK and 4. SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME, ENERGY AND MONEY ON REBUILDING YOUR (AND YOUR CHILDREN'S) SELF-ESTEEM. That's my 2 cents lol Thank you for letting me finish my sentences lol
Well said!
@@Texasboots Thank you, Love 💖💖💖
Jill Hollon
Good advice. I’m also an empath. The narcissist who tortured me was a boss, so I couldn’t really get away from him. He had “puppets” too. He sent lies & allegations to upper management for almost 3 years. They believed him, probably due to his position & /or that he is a narcissist (sociopath) so they’re afraid. I never had a fighting chance. He saw to that. I had an attorney & still lost my job. But HIS loss is much greater. When narcs have an agenda they don’t stop til it’s done. I do not consider myself a victim, even tho I was victimized. I’m VICTORIOUS bc God had a better plan! I got out of the narc’s range & am at peace knowing he will get his. Maybe he’s getting it already. 😉
@@rondak7144 Hi Ronda! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to endure such traumatic experiences at your job. I also worked at a job for 3 years under a Narcissistic boss. But I didn't know it had a name back then. I just thought he was an extremely moody, temperamental and a naturally angry person. I'm so thankful you were able to get out from under your boss's control and manipulation. I'm sorry he slandered your name and probably your work, as well. When we work for Narcissists, nothing we do is every good enough or appreciated. I hope you can continue to thrive and persevere as you go forward. I wish you much love, support, peace and blessings always along on your journey~ God bless you, sweetheart~
Jill Hollon Awww! Thank you so much!! That’s so thoughtful of you & I can see you understand from experience. I’m sure you look back with your current knowledge & relive some of those times! I certainly do! By my own nature I did the “gray rock” before I knew it had a name. My observations told me that he HATED to see my mood elevate, feel joy, laugh or talk with coworkers. This infuriated him. I’m sure you know why, & I’m sure this drove him to go after me more! I believe most of these people are labeled with antisocial personality disorder. Anyway thanks for sharing & for your kind words!!😁
He said, “ I know I need to change” . He said he did a lot of changing 12 years ago, but now realized he need to do more. So, why do I want to leave , because I have put up with his narc ways for 46 years. It’s too late for me, but for you young ones who are dealing with a nar, RUN!
Omg 48 yrs here, in process of getting out
Watching these videos has made me stronger and more aware. For a long time I thought it was all me that I had to try to do better, but no matter what I did it would never work out. I stay with the narc because he kept love bombing me , kept me poor and made me wish washy. He saids he has change and realized he needs to do better. The truth is I have changed. I stand for myself when I need too or I go stone silent when I can’t take it anymore. God has shown me how my narc uses his minions to try put me down. My narc is jealous that I am healthy, I love my retirement and I am never bored. I think age has soften a little and made me wiser.
You may be older, but life can always get better. My ex dumped me after 40 years. I was shocked and heartbroken. But boy oh boy, it was the best thing that ever happened to me! I am in my 60’s and alone and staying that way. I am happy and confident for the first time in my life. GET OUT!
@@sieglindegenta5660 you can always run
@@reneeholland1369: 57 years here. Too late, it’s doomed.
I am so glad to come across this video. Based on the symptoms described, I am very sure that I am a Narcissist and being this way has destroyed my life beyond words. I am turning 40 this year and have made a commitment to myself to shed this ugly personality forever. It has been very hard and I keep falling back every now and then. But I am becoming a lot more aware of my behaviors and reactions and able to rectify/ control them a lot better. And I am hopeful that one day I will be able to create this new personality I am working hard on. 🙏
As a victim of narcissists what helped me was radical honesty. It made me kinder and more accepting of others. One has to forgive one's self as well. I can tell you that it's the best thing that could happen to you.
he will be changed if he wants to change.. but most of them sees no problem about their personality.
She will be changed if She........
Mine told me, "I'm normal." I said, "Really, you're normal? Do normal people ignore their wives for a month?" Without missing a beat he said, "Yeah. I know a lot of men wo do that." He's either lying or he knows a lot of narcissists.
@@honestbarsteward be aware the grammar in many countries is masculine and when speaking english, the he or his is used for any gender until they learn to speak more fluently.
Darloonie I very much doubt ‘that a narcissist would tell lies ;)
Lilian esp I agree with you :) you are right. None of these Narcissists see absolutely nothing wrong with their personality at all so for them they don't have to change, it's just us that have to change & that's not fair!!!
I am a narcissist, brought up by a single narcissistic parent, but after 5 year therapy I truly can say that narcissism can be, at least to some extent reverted/pushed-back. The main problem is although that 99% of the time I didn't even know that I need help, I was darn sure that everyone in this world need it, but not me. Weird to say but that's the ultimate frustration when you truly deeply believe that everyone is wrong and yet you are the only unhappy (feeling like a misunderstood/crucified prophet) individual every time. In the process I realized that I couldn't even tell the therapist what am I feeling (!) because the only thing I cared about was her response to my jokes and cheerfulness. I remember asking her why is she asking me about my feelings, because I thought they are unimportant, no one ever talked to me about my feelings and why should I even start discussing it? At that time I guess I could only recognize feelings like punishment, fear, anger and loneliness. I lived in a totally different world, like in a separate reality. My - then - girlfriend brought me to the therapy because he cared for me and I did it although I felt ashamed but somewhere deep inside me I felt that w/o therapy I will hurt her beyond repair. Our relationship didn't withstand it but I'm a different person now and I'm very thankful for the Dr. Carter to propagate this knowledge so keenly! Subscribed!
So pleased to hear this testimony. Keep up the good effort. You are an inspiration. Dr .C
Thanks for the hope you give me!
I’m on the same boat, and starting therapy next month. These videos have made me realise that I have a problem, and if I don’t work on it I’m truly going to be alone in this world. Thanks for your inspiration.
hey i hope you're doing well! can i ask something? i have a narcissistic sister and she has no idea that she is narcissistic and no one can convince her if she does not want to. she went to therapist for anxiety but she quitted. she thinks going to therapy is something to be ashamed of. how can i make her see the truth? i really need help!
I hope my husband realized that Im separating from him
This is good. While I am married to a covert, I see some pretty strong narcissistic tendencies in myself. For instance, I’m learning that sharing my opinion isn’t always helpful. The world will continue to turn without me weighing in. I’m also learning that “ louder” doesn’t win. Louder is just obnoxious. And it’s important to hear what others say, not just listening until it’s my turn to talk. People like being heard. And if my feelings are hurt I will explore why. Were they trying to hurt me ( as my covert will do often) or did I take a narcissist injury because I don’t like people thinking I’m not perfect. I will listen to this again. Maybe trying to control others less will help me take better care of myself. Thanks Doc.
I’ve seen them tone down their mean-spirited behavior. Most of the time it’s when everyone gets sick of them and they end up alone.
Thank you my husband of 15 yrs just told me i am a narcissist we have 3 children together i want to be a change person thank you i am going to do everything you said in your video you are the pro so i know you know what you are talking about
Thank you for your talks. My father was BP and narcissistic. The children, my brothers and I were constantly at odds from a very young age. Our mother was a true, loving, and faithful mother but an abused victim at a time when it was your duty to stay married until death. I thank the Lord for her steadfast faith and love. Now at 57 I recognize the the flaws in my own self and are trying to change my thought process, actions and reactions. Your talks have helped me see things in myself that I was blind to.
Also it is helping me deal with my only surviving brother who is extremely covert and abusive to anyone involved closely with him. We have been very distant for nearly 40 years. I could not stand to witness the abusive behaviors of our father in him and his treatment to his wive's , child or our mother. Thus we were at near violent odds. Your talks are giving me tools to change the things I've ask the Lord to help me change.
Thank you for being his instrument.
2 yrs ago I could see some of these characteristics in my self, once I brought a child into the world it’s never been the same, I was forced to not be self centered, I learned an amount of empathy I had no idea was possible, my way of thinking opened up entirely, all thanks to my kid
Thank you for this... It is hard to realize that one is selfish... Harsh... Condescending... Especially as a Christian... As you were speaking, the words of Jesus came to mind... "Take my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy, and my burden light..." Thank you for what you do, for bringing to light both the hope that we have for change and the practical steps to get there.
Having it on a spectrum makes so much sense! I was in denial of my ex being a covert narcissist, and I found myself in a coaching role. I broke through a bit, but I found myself exhausted, and spent. I do not have the time or energy to endure this malarkey. So I had to cut contact.
No malarkey! Dr. C
At some point I understood that my friends liked me despite me trying to convince them of my superiority all the time, not because of me doing that. Made my world fall apart, but it had to fall apart
What I learned is that they will not change, and any trying to talk to them and literally beg them to ease up, they only get worse. I had to just learn with my dad to not ask because he would do it 1,000 times more with no remorse. This is why to this very day now that the split second I feel any of that getting near me I EXIT STAGE LEFT.
Totally correct. They go into an 'I'll show you mode'.
@@jeanie8831 LORD YES...and that was my dad and he passed away last year and I cared for him to the end and he was the king of taking it to a whole other level to aggravate and torment me. Like I keep saying I am learning ow how to not be stressed 24/7 for 55 years....and moving 5 states away made no difference. My poor mother was a SAINT.
@@COACHCLCHEER You show that you take after your mother...the saint. I would take care of my narcissistic mother if she really needed me, but in the mean while, I have to stay away from her abuse. There are only so many "poison arrows" a soul can take. God bless you in your quest for peace.
Right, because the behavior is intentional.
Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that any narcissists are listening to this to learn how to improve themselves. The folks listening to this recording are victims of narcissistic abuse who are hoping that there’s a chance for their narc to improve so they can remain with them. Hope dies last. Get away from these individuals as quickly as possible & live a beautiful, narc-free life.
Michelle Carpenter I am a recovering narcissist. I am here, because I am hoping to improve myself. We do exist.
Total Package Detailing LLC
Thank you so much for admitting not many do!! May I ask your Astrology sign. It is likely Aries Capricorn Taurus Gemini or Virgo, if not its likey your Moon sign.
Zenith Astrology astrology has nothing to do with NPD. You can be a libra and have NPD, you can be a Cancer and have NPD. NPD isn't an astrology trait for certain signs. It's a mental disorder from psychological abuse, and should be treated as such. Medical Science and Astrology do not mix.
.-.-_-
Awe so its a co- incidence Christopher Watts and Shanane Watts just happened along with my narc mother, who abandoned me at 5, it's a co incidents!!! They have SUN and MOON in horned signs?
Josh Powell it is a co incidents agian, he has SUN and MOON in horned signs. Its a co incidence his two sons had Capricorn Suns? In horned signs. You have your job, I have mine. Please, I know these people, like the back of my hand, and, never told what to do. Your lucky, i'm even warning you for free.
.-.-_-
Its not from psychological abuse it's just abuse!!! And don't tell me what my Virgos mom had intended for me, ill let YOU know. Ask her from the grave I have no sympathy for the demonic. That's why i'm surprised this guy admitted, my mom was Virgo Gemini Moon, and 4 horned. I know my moms chart, has NO abuse!!! But she was an abuser.
Well said! An honest path of understanding in how to come out of Narcissism. I've seen what seemed too be full blown Narcissist's as they age in life, begin to question why the consequences of their narcissism had lead them to loneliness, abandonment and worse. Those are the ones in the higher categories that sometimes gain the mind set to accept what they have been and willing to follow the path which leads to a newer life and contentment inside themselves. For, and I won't say few, I will say some who can take this video to heart, I pray God's blessing upon them to have the courage to accept the truth and honestly with humility follow these excellent steps which will bring about real change.
31 month NO CONTACT
and all our
credit cards payed off
We are freeeeeeeeeed
From her rollercoaster game
💞👵👴💞
congrats
You're so lucky! Good for you!
@@goldieg4888
It was the most powerful experience of our lives
😞😞😞😞
We believe With all our heart that God helped us
She would have killed us
😞😞😞😞
@@graceandfaith869 I am very happy for both of you. You were very brave! However it is way to late for me to try something like getting away.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Thank you I needed this
🙏
I’m going to change and I do want to get serious with being a more mature person.
☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️
I’ve hurt a lot of people with my narcissistic traits. And I’m tired of it. I’m gonna change
Thanks for restoring my sanity and healing me your are great kind peorson
How did he heal you?
I’ve had 20 years of tears, emotional abuse, crazy-making and neglect. Kicked him out twice. Had so many promises of change that lasted from a couple of minutes to a couple of weeks. There is no actual authentic desire or capacity to actually change because there is no empathy. You cannot magic empathy out of the air. Have zero expectations. Do not be emotionally invested in their declaration of change. If they want to change you will not need to prompt, nag, plead. They would just do it.
I received your book Pleasing you is Killing me and Laura’s Ugly Love for Christmas, read a bit of both and they are so insightful. I too was gravitated towards a narcissistic partner in my intimate relationship because I was brought up by one. I have just begun my healing process and some days are hard but I already feel so much lighter. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing your knowledge.
Thank you for the book recommendations.
Stay strong !
Imagine a narcissist who's willing and trying to heal and make changes, and everyone around them keeps reminding them constantly of what they are, discouraging them, telling them that they will never change... just a bit of advice to anyone who genuinely is a narcissist and wants to change... IGNORE THEM. DON'T HURT THEM. Keep focusing on what YOU want for YOU. Your vulnerability makes you human. Please start believing in yourself.
First of all, just want to say thank you for these amazing messages. Shortly after I was “enlightened” to the idea that my husband might be a narcissist, I listened to two audiobooks and countless other videos trying to find out how to move forward in my interactions with him. Your videos have been the MOST helpful in my understanding of who he is and how I need to think and act in his presence. In an argument we had before I was “enlightened “ I was trying to discuss how important it is to see things from others’ perspective and he responded, “I’m tired of this bull**it. My perspective is my reality and that’s all that matters!!!” If I had any doubt before, I think this video removed the last little bit I had. Again, thank you so much for this video and all the others. You are bringing healing into my life ❤️
The bit about walking away and shaking the dust from you feet, applies in this instance as well. It is not your problem. Leave them to it.
Great comment. I agree.
Like Doc says, they have a right to be that way, just like we all do. Sad, huh. Can't really change them.
God. The Living God. In my experience, He is crucial to a successful marriage. My wife would have left me decades ago had it not been for her faith in God; her faith that He hears her, He loves her, and wants the best for her. He is “a present help in time of need.”
Less than 2 hours ago, I was beginning to feel angry, fearful and frustrated. I went to the bedroom, got down on my knees, and I shared with God how I was feeling. I asked him to take the feelings away. After I had prayed, I went back to the living room, and the anger, fear and frustration were gone.
In my prayer, in my mind, I can shout, I can scream, I can think very bad things toward someone or something. I “lay them at His feet” and leave them there.
He is a NECESSARY resource for me. I HIGHLY recommend Him.
I’m not a narcissist but I came here because I am married to one. The funny part is that I didn’t really take anything from this video for his improvement but took quite a bit for my own self improvement lol. I feel this can apply to anyone, and it’s great to have those gentle reminders that can keep our egos in check, narc or no narc. Thank you so much for your videos! Much appreciation for what you do on your channel! :)
In my experience the way a person can acquire a soul if that are without one is by making a serious commitment to serve others without hope of reward
My neighbor's came to me on two different occasions and said that my narc dad ruined most of my life. They said he also ruined my sister's and brother's lives.
Sheer beauty and simple truth, Dr. Carter. You help me to be strong, grow, heal... and what is more, to remain hopeful and able to believe in love. God bless you... Thank you.
Don't leave yourself a setting duck. That's all I can say.
My husband grew up in a cult of family with both parents and his sister being Narcissists. He is an Empath. But he struggles with a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. He is 35%-50% on the Narcissistic curve. He is just now becoming aware in his 50s. I am proud of his progress. Time for our Hell to stop.
Yes we can change. It’s a lot of hard work to actually learn compassion and kindness. To see it in yourself is a psychological crisis, and overcoming that crisis is a vertical battle. But that first sense of compassion and empathy is like receiving oxygen, a memory of how it felt as a small child before the hurts came.
I appreciate this channel, the understanding and awareness that narcissists are human beings who have a huge struggle ahead of they are willing to undertake it.
For anyone who is discouraged with themselves, it can be helpful to study neuroplasticiy, and different therapies that will help you encounter your habits and mindsets.
True, neuroplasticity is one of the keys to get away from that disorder or traits. Compassion, kindness, empathy, love. Therapy will work as well. It's mostly about how you think, react and behave, it can be changed, there is a light in the end of long, dark and full of potholes tunnel.
@Deplorable Cat 100% disagree. Empathy and compassion are learnable skills. We are ALL narcissistic at birth. Some of us are nurtured into empathy, others are NOT given that crucial love and are stuck in their childhood narcsissism, until they are nurtured into it by others or themselves. Awareness and constant action are key.
Deplorable Cat as children we are the center of attention. And we develop the belief that our needs are all that matter. We believe we are the center of the universe. This is a human thing and part of normal development. You either get nurtured out of that state, or you’re not given the appropriate amount of love and you STAY there. But childhood narcissism is a stage in EVERY human experience. Unless you were just a Buddha since birth and all the way through. I don’t know you, so I won’t assume you are or not.
Deplorable Cat I’d love for you to explain the huge difference between empathy and compassion though. For my own understanding.
@@MarcPrime wow..... I think you are making a very interesting observation !
Honestly, I've watched a number of your videos, realized I am a narcissist, and you didn't give me any hope, then I found this one and it encouraged me. I want change, but at the same time, I know it won't be easy, but I have a starting point. I knew I had a problem, but didn't know what, or how to deal with it, now I do, thank you.
The feeling “ I am feel sorry for him. Can I help him ?” Keep me back to the trouble aways player out the same way.
My father-in-law was 100% an overt narcissist. It took a year of him caring for my mother-in-law ill with cancer which lead to her death to change him. Sad that so many in the family was damaged by his actions before he changed. My husband was damaged most. My husband was the most sensitive child in the family. Before his father died my husband was able to spend time with the person his father became later in life and able to love that person.
As for my father he never changed and stayed a bitter man all his life and left me to deal with the issues I was left with. My husband and I being a couple who both were raised by narcissists, caused our marriage to be a real challenge for over 40 years. Some how we have come to a comfortable stage in our lives at this time. I refused to be bitter. I found inner peace knowing I did the best I could with what I was given in life. I accept the mistakes and decisions I made in life along with the consequences. I am slowly resolving/dissolving any regrets I have in exchange for finding joy in the peace I have now.
thank you dr carter for your work. it is great comfort to hear you talk so clearly abt this subject. and it helps to learn and keep learning from video to video and from week to week.
When narcissist sees this, they will say "I am entitle and deserve to be who I am. I dont need to change. PEOPLE around me NEED to CHANGE instead. They need to know that I deserve to be me and people just need to be themselve. They need to learn how to HANDLE ME, ME ME!!!!!!"
I want to change. I hurt someone I love for so long without even realizing. Our break up was "mutual" until I looked back on it and saw all my hurtful words and behaviours over the year. I will change even tho it's too late for us. Love you S 💔❤
Coletin Thomas same with me. Didn’t notice the pattern and here I am
Wow! So narcs can change? What does it take to realize or to admit it? When you lose someone? Sorry to ask this (I’ve been with a narc so just curious) What does love mean to a narc? I called him out. I make him read about narcs characteristic traits, recorded our conversations and let him hear it. He seemed to be ashamed of how he talked to me, treated me but he does it again. Nothing changes really. Can I still hope that he would change like you did? Or can you be certain that you wouldn’t go back to narcs behaviors again?
Narc can't love someone sorry
@@maris1758 definitely took losing the someone to realize how much I cared. I've definitely changed for the better but its hard to tell how much. All people are a work in progress and it took loss for me to realize that I'm not just "I am who I am" that there are things you can work to change about yourself
Thank you Dr. You are a god send. I recently stumbled upon Narcissism and discovered I am that person and was clueless. I desperately want to change and will work tirelessly on your words. God bless!
I'm glad you stumbled upon us. Stick with us! Dr. C
I want to say thank you for all your videos. I have finally cut off my father after years of his financial manipulation, and I want you to know this information you provide is amazing. I feel such a burden lifted from my shoulders, and as an empath, ive always wanted to see him change. thank you.
It is remarkable how this mans videos always are unedited. He really has these topics under complete control, and delivers them in such a gentle and friendly yet authoritative way.
He gives me the same feeling Mr Roger's gave me. You're absolutely right!
It’s not a matter of “can” they change.. it’s a matter of “will” they change.. even if they know they’re a narc, and most do know that, they just don’t care if their behavior is hurting other people. To change they’d have to care and they just don’t.
I suspect they are in a constant state of change. Their deep shame is that they know there is something very messed up in them. They hit a low source point so they smarten up their behavior to appeal to a new nurturing person. But eventually the high of someone new believing in them doesn't bring the same feeling and they start falling back into their bad habits. They sincerely valued that person but when that person starts seeing the bad habits, it's a real downer and gone is the incentive to put forth the effort of being different.
Dr. Carter, you are such a gift to humankind. Your kind, perceptive analysis and practical illustration of the path to healing really transcends the psychological spectrum of human existence. You make the world a better place and renew my sense of the basic goodness in humanity. How courageous you are to dive right in to the deepest depravity of the human soul and emerge so seemingly unscathed. Please take care.
Thank you so much!
Thank you for delivering this valuable information, it has helped me to see how I was in a relationship with narcissist, that literally caused me to have two heart attacks. Made me question my own sanity, put me down with harsh words, was a racist, bi sexual, compulsive liar and manipulative human being, while using NLP studies, his self righteous beliefs, his sense of superiority, with an uncanny ability to make you feel we were at fault, that we provoked them to be the way they were. Behaving covertly , secretive, and exploding in rage and anger when confronted.
I am most grateful for your knowledge
Infinite blessings to you and your loved ones.
"Can they change"? This is the first detailed list of behavioral challenges I've seen that convey a sense of Hope. In Faith, I believe that all things are possible. After an honest evaluation of each of the changes- reality and experience have demonstrated that: The NPD, malignant, covert or overt- would have to turn themselves inside out- perform a complete overhaul of themselves, the damage done and be willing to do the work it takes. It seems, that by their very nature- that is not only a practical impossibility, but an inconceivable one. God be with them. Heal the wounds that made them do such harm.
What a breath of fresh air you are. Thank you so much for your videos. I've been cram watching them for several days. And I could easily watch them over and over again and probably will. Your voice is soothing and full of wisdom. So very helpful.
Huge obstacle to overcome is to step out in faith by giving up fear of not being in control... submitting to others... to stop 'doing things my way'
Listening to this, I just realized I was gaslighted by a narcissist who claims to be an empath 😬. Now I'm stuck being confused. However this was a good reminder on how to be a good friend.
This is the work of the Holy Spirit. Only him can transform any disorder permanently..
Be a disciple of the Lord Jesus and humanity, humility will overflow..
No it’s not. That is just brainwashed nonsense.
Not a diagnosed narcissist, but whenever I watch videos of analyzing narcissism I find that I identify with all the toxic traits. I've hurt more individuals than I can ever consider, and knowing that I have caused someone somewhere to probably bring me up to a support system of professional has pushed me to change. I am young and still live with my parents but they're on board with taking me to therapy. I try my best to isolate myself from others so I can't hurt anyone else before then. I used to cry whenever I was confronted with the truth that I'm not a good person, but now I accept it and want to change, for the better of this world, because one narc like me can absolutely devastate, and I would never want to see that.
"Be the change" is a good advice, I think =)
- if you have someone close to you in your life, try to make sure that your'e not tolerating that kind of behivor.
But, not in a harsh way, just be the "bigger person" so that your dear one can learn from your healthy way of living and dealing with different kind of situations.
Thankie for another good one, Les =)
I’m a recovered toxic person.
How did you do it?
If it's true - good on you!!!
@@patrickjohnson8741 thank you. I’m very conscious of my intentions and stay vigilant around people that can trigger my undesirable traits. Toxic people make toxic company. It’s like trying to find a nice place to sit at the garbage dump. :)
May I ask you a few questions?Were you toxic to the point of being physically abusive? The narcs in my family abused me emotionally, mentally and physically as well. Despite all the kindness and forgiveness I have shown to them through the years, their cruelty seems to have no bounds. These are full-blown narcs who cant feel empathy.The one common thing absent in them is spirituality. How did your change come about? Did you have a spiritual awakening??
I really like how you talk about this broken world. And that every one has something that we can work on. And how the change process works.
Clearly you think things through well. Dr. C
For years I’ve been trying to change honestly. Dedicated my entire career to serving people, I truly want help.
Malcolm Jones ask Jesus for help he is alive and loves you .. watch the last reformation movie on TH-cam
@Malcolm Jones....Based on your comment, you are definitely not a narcissist, but likely have been a selfish, bratty person all of your life. Narcissist do not admit that they have a problem. They are not interested in change; they have no guilt....no empathy...which you display in your comment. Again, YOU ARE NOT A NARCISSIST.
You're a dirtbag.
Just kidding, don't listen to a random internet guy. You really are awesome you just don't know how other people expect to be treated and try that
@@aspen311 He did say it was on a spectrum. I was raised by a Narc and married a Narc for a while, so I know I picked up some of those traits. For instance, I can listen to someone else's (verbalized, obviously) thoughts and accept when they're different, but if there is something particular about them (someone I may think is a possible future GF for instance) I completely lose that ability. I had a horrible fight with someone because they didn't like sci-fi and fantasy. It was because I thought we were clicking romantically, and so I was scared of her not accepting part of me. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether someone likes sci-fi and fantasy or not. Really, it wasn't VITAL that she fit exactly what I wanted in a partner, but I got nasty because I'd set myself on this idea already.
He talks about being a know-it-all. I'm a conditional know-it-all. In the somewhat narrow band of thing I think I understand, I act like a know-it-all, but that band was much bigger in the past. I once got into an argument with a personal trainer (not MY trainer) because she encouraged working out 5 days a week (different muscle groups, obviously) and I had been reading that not getting enough rest after workouts was a recipe for serious damage. Of course she knew more than I did, but I acted like an expert when I wasn't because of something I had been reading recently. She wasn't even someone I was interested in romantically, it was just that I thought I knew what I was talking about.
So I have some narc traits and it's going to be really hard to get rid of them.
Watching your videos I have a friend that understand and know the truth of these people. I feel safe. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 And all can say is THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!
I always had a view of narcissists as the villains in movies, or the wall st tycoon. It wasn’t until my therapist wanted me to really focus on improving my empathy, read books and checklists and when I realized I didn’t feel any emotion resonating from the books or worksheets I had a huge realization that I had high narcissistic tendencies. I brought this up to my therapist and she said let’s not put the cart before the horse, but it’s possible. The scary part is that the empathy doesn’t come naturally and she said it’s just shutoff as a coping mechanism to deal with toxic people throughout my life. I’m hoping I start feeling empathy naturally without needing a checklist to be sure I’m normal. Long road ahead.
Mike, ask Jesus, He will give it to you! There the journey doesn't last long at all 'cause He said:" ASK and it shall be GIVEN to you! Knock and it shall be opened! Seek and you shall find!" 🤗
Hemmingway said, paraphrasing that, The world breaks us all, we come back stronger in the broken places. 🙏🏼Gratirude x10 Dr. Les you are a beautiful voice in a complicated relationship. Blessings to you.🤗
Received, with gratitude. Dr. C
Thank you so much for this video! So so helpful, giving me practical things to think about. And the perspective about the "percentage" of narcissism is very helpful. I get discouraged when I see all the things about narcissists never being able to change, but maybe I am not full blown NPD, but rather am on the spectrum, since I do see these things about me and want to change them but feel frustrated by the slow process or when I feel like I "can't" change. And another commenter mentioned that narcissists can't change because they can't "grow" empathy, but I truly believe that God can restore that in my heart, and if I can travel deep enough into myself to explore my shame, then I can be free from it and learn to truly love myself and others.
I was talking to a good friend earlier and she said some of the kindest things that has ever been said to me and I honestly teared up. For one because it was just so nice of her and two because I know everything she said wasn't true. I know I'm a spiteful and selfish person, but she said the opposite. Idk if I'm a narcissist or if my friend is just seeing a mask of mine, but hearing all the things that my friend said to me made me wanna change to the person she thinks I am. Thank you for the video Dr. C I'll work on myself.
You know what? That is a brave and humble approach. Proud of you
April Rains Thank you very much. I hope for whatever reason you're on this video you can find the answers you need as well.
@@papagrande7448 Every one of us is born with both "good and evil" natures. Your friend is probably the type who looks for the GOOD in others. If so, you are blessed to have such a friend and to be able to recognize some areas of your life you may need to work on.
Papa Grande : god sees all the bad in us and he still loves us. So your friend is right. She saw all the beautiful self you can be. That is how God sees us too.
If your recognising your are spiteful and selfish and willing to admit that I doubt you are as bad as you think you are
If narcissists don’t have empathy, how can they change for the better or do they just become better actors?
Only better actors in the easiest of things when they know you don’t like their ways, they still have the same plan for you. They don’t have the capacity to be thoughtful of other people and they don’t want to do the work for the lifestyle they feel they are entitled too...and so they mismanage their money greatly and burn through others, crossing boundaries in many ways. They look for someone to take care of them, and they have loads to dump on you. They are predators who strike back when their crazy expectations aren’t allowed by you. They have the role of people mixed up in their head. They’re self centered so are only thinking about what they want, not you, which gets crazy because they can also be a different sexual orientation. They aren’t trustworthy on enough counts to waste your time on. Meet new people.
Z P Exactly right!
I actually think they cand learn emphaty because they need to. I don't think people get something about narcissists...you don't need emphaty to change, you need fear or other emotion, and they have a lot. Its not like they live a good live, they feel miserable and don't know why + in the end they are left behind by everyone, witch they already expect happening without understanding the real problem. Its confusing and it hurts for them too.
Empathy is actually a taught trait and can be learned.
Recoving narcs knows the moves of the evil people. We have a blue print to know their every move!! Just life people convert from narc, to recovering narc to NO NARC at all!!! YES GOD CAN DO JUST THAT!!! I can spot a narc a mile away. You now have the glasses to see their demons!!! You know the ones who have a chance of changing. And the ones that will never change for a human. But they MUST for GOD!! Read about Paul in the bible!!! He turned from his wicked way!!! Continue to listen to Dr. C videos. He can show you just how to get from under the narc very tight grip.
I believe I was an extreme narcissist (vulnerable narc to be specific) in my early 20s. It took extreme heartbreak and seeing the damage I caused those close to me to cause me to reflect and truly change. Not sure about where I was on the spectrum, but a lot of my behavior was similar. I was just afraid of people seeing my flaws so I tried to control things around me so that nobody could see how vulnerable I was.
Good on you to have changed!
Pyramid Thank you for your honesty & for giving us hope that the narc will change!
IM SORRY a little confused
What would you say to a narcissist to get them to want to wake up? It's as if they truly are the living dead feeding off of people's souls. What would you say to make them think?
@@abc111xyz I think it's more important to be comfortable with our own weaknesses. That way, if someone uses it against us, we're safe.
Dr. Carter,
Your words are amazing. I am married and just recently figured that my wife is Narcissistic. I believe that they can take their 1st step. My wife was all packed up to go and I told her I love her with all my heart and I honestly have a feeling what's wrong with. I told her to please listen to me and don't react. I told her I think she is Narcissistic because she has just about all the signs. She broke down and said I don't know why I get the way I do. I feel fear since I was a kid. She said I know how to let go easy and go on but not with you. She said, "Im and scared my mother has always put me down and tell me I need help" Doctor she started reading about it and she is listening to me. But is admitting some thing is nit right and tired of hiding in her own shell. She doesn't want to lose me. If I have one more shot at saving this marriage I will. But I told her ahe needs to see the world in a different way. She asked me hiw do I do it. I try to turn her negative thoughts into positive. I don't want to get my hopes up. Known her for 11 yrs out of the 11 yrs we've been seeing each other for 2yrs and married for over a year. After listening to you today. She has taken some of your steps. Don't know if I should give it one more try. by the way I didn't see the signs until we got married. We were separated for 7 months because she went back to her country and she came back again. That's when I started seeing each side of. That's when I started seeing this side of her even more
I was looking at this video and it saddened me. As much as I would like my wife to change, the things he listed made me realize that it would be a near impossible task😔
Will Mack ask Jesus to heal your wife he will
parinaz Az just because you ask Jesus for a miracle, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen! Stop giving false hope to someone who’s in pain and has come here looking for advice/help. I truly believe that Jesus will help those who come to Him and ask for help, but it has to be the narcissist who humbly comes to Him.
@@jewelsbarbie Jesus will help one way or another, if we ask in faith
Pride --- Proverbs29:1 Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed--without remedy.
In order to heal and change they would have to humble themselves but they are proud and arrogant and never wrong... so... narcissism sticks.
maybe just drop some LSD in her morning coffee ;)
Thank you sooo much, so much love in your words.
I just want to let you all know, that chance is truly possible. But I'm not that quiet sure, if it depend on the level of narcissism.
I was the worst person, to anyone, to me too.
I had to asked myself go on living or stop. Going on with narcissism was not possible.
Chance is like losing wight of 200 pounds, stop smoking or drinking, becomming an adult...
Not everyone will fix it, but some are changing, but don't wait for it.
I'd like to say a word to all of you, maybe in bad english, maybe it's stupid:
Don't wait for love, you still got it inside. Loving your self means leaving narcissism and narcissistes no matter if it sucks yourself or others.
Dr. Les Carter, thank you. One of the things I've really enjoyed about your videos and your teachings is the fact that you don't demonize the narcissist. The reality is that these are people we love, or have loved. I appreciate the way you call us, the recipients/victims of narcissism to higher ground. Can you please continue to create videos with this bent, they are so helpful, as I come to the realization that I can only change myself and how I react to narcissistic behaviors. Thank you. Keep up the good work.
As we try to come to terms with narcissists the last thing we need to do is spew hate. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I need to remember that point
They definitely can change. I am a former therapist and have seen it first hand. I also had alot of narcissistic traits when I was younger that needed change. I went through the difficult process of changing my own tendencies. It requires a willingness and lots of work. Although you feel quite comfortable in your new mind where you are not as special as you once thought. Change is great if you embrace it and do the work required. Most do not change due to the discomfort of their own deep truths.
Yes. All roads to truth lead back to you. It is called accountability aka maturity. If you want to know more, read my comment to Barney below.
Best video ever.
Making it available on TH-cam, in this society and at this time, has got to be a Jefferson medal level of outstanding contribution to public health.
Thank you so much for doing this.
So pleased it resonated, Emanuel. Dr. C
I thank you for your honesty!! Truth can hurt, but it will always show the way out. I light in the dark, a solution to a problem.
Patience..... everyone needs a dose of improvement in this virtue. Not just the Affected Individuals concerning this Topic. However, this is the most insightful and helpful segment of all of your videos. Thank-you isn't sufficient enough to express my gratitude in your direction.
If they are WILLING TO CHANGE, they can change. Nobody can change a person ( esp. narcissists) except themselves.
Sadly, the narcissists I know, they are not interested in changing or learning. They want people to accept them as they are💔
Dr. Carter, thank you. I can't say it enough. Your work has helped me so much as I try to understand how to relate to an 81 year old narcissistic mother. The damage is profound, but I can be respectful and firm.
Yes I am one! And is a hard habit to get rid off ! But eventually you'll do it!
I appricate your pod casts.
My experience, is oh yes they can change, for the WORSE.
You have a point. Dr. C
I was a terrible destructive narcissist and would like to share my healing story. A bit of background: I was brought up in a privileged way that made me spoilt. At home, I was adored too much, but then at school I get bullied often, and then my parents divorced. I became narcissistic from a young age, and my first victim was my younger brother. I really thought I was smarter than most people. I referred to the 'dumb' masses as sheeple. I really thought that my views were unique/special. I took pride in being a non-conformist. My default mode was negativity - I was snarky with remarks, especially to those closest around me. I destroyed most relationships around me, for many years I discarded friends and relatives like they were nothing, over stupid things. I lost my first GF because I called her names and belittled her. I lost many friends. At that time I even thought good riddance. Fast forward many years of this destructive mode - and I am now standing on an apocalyptic wasteland looking at all the damage around me. What finally did it for me, was then I flew off in a stupid narcissistic rage recently, and now my wife is thinking of leaving me. She pointed me to look up narcissism, and the more I dug up the facts. The more I started to realise the truth of my actions and my destructive nature. I have been actively steering myself away from being narcissistic ever since. I truly feel that one of the keys to doing this is to let God back into my heart. Its so hard really to change the way of thinking... I have this overly critical mind that defaults to saying negative things. I tend to try and get into people's 'good books' for no other reason than I think it would be useful later on. These kind of thought must be actively quashed. The problem is that even though I don't act on it,,,, I still have the thoughts pop up in my head. I sincerely want to change and drive out this evil force. I have never been religious, but now I am looking to open my heard to a higher power, Pls God Help me, Forgive me and help me purge my bad ways. I am sorry for all the pain I caused. It was hard but I started making amends with the people I raged at earlier in life its still an ongoing process for me
Hi Alvin. Thanks so much for sharing this. I truly wish you the best as you continue to progress. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you so much for your kind words. watching your videos gives me hope that I can sincerely change
They first have to admit there needs to be a change in order to change. I don’t see them making that discovery about themselves. You’ve mentioned all healthy solutions and these people are far from healthy.
If I showed this video to my covert narc? He would turn it right around on to how I am the one who needs to change. Argh!
Sam Soulwarmer of course. Very typical
even if they can “change” it wouldn’t be permanent- they may temporarily change towards whoever their current supply is or whoever it is they are pursuing- but we all know what happens - devalue & discard. one thing that will probably not change is their boredom/eventual dissatisfaction with those who were tricked into loving them
sally cinnamon that’s correct
@@sunflowers2469 Well said! Tricked into loving them! Wow!!!!
Very good advice. Treat people like you want to be treated and honesty is the best policy. Sometimes with narcissist it's good to treat them like they treat you so they can see how rude they're being.
Thank God for these teachings so I can learn to heal from what has happened, restore who I am, be free and continue to move on and away from people like this.
I find this wonderful advice for the average person with some relationship issues.
But a true narcissist will claim he already possesses every one of these good qualities ( and likely will convince you too) and will tell YOU that you need to improve.
You probably taught them those good qualities..they learn it by mirroring YOU!
Lol...... Reality
True all the people saying they want to change from watching this video alone probably aren't narcissists
I just watched one of your other videos and this was exactly the question that came to my mind. My father is a narcissist and I've been trying for so long to help him be better but to no avail. Thank you so much for making good and informative content about this painful topic. It helps.
I hope there are people out there struggling with these tendencies who would heed this advice. In my experience, the narcissist would not only not make these changes, but would laugh at the people 'pathetic' enough to attempt these changes. THAT is a narcissist
Dear Dr Carter I certainly have learned a lot Bout MYSELF from these narc videos- although I watched initially be cause of others. You are a great help.
I lived with Narcissists the last four years, and I have been showing narcissistic tendencies the last couple of weeks, so thank you for this video. I want to change, change is what I need and change is what has to happen. Awesome video, and I appreciate this important lesson that I need to become better person. Thank you sir.
I realized that I have very strong covert narcissistic traits. I think I very well am one. I have been diagnosed with BPD and have other overlapping cluster B traits. It has been very distressing to me and honestly, I have empathy, so I was confused. I have been an overly sensitive, *empathetic*, compassionate and perceptive person ever since I was young. I recently came across an article about "empathic narcissists". If anyone can relate to what I said here, it is very well worth looking into.
44 years with the narc in my life and I can tell you, he has NOT changed one bit. I always expect the other shoe to drop and it does!
48 yrs here, I’m old, tired & done. Hoping, praying for a few peaceful years. Starting over at 67 is not easy.
My ex changed during his probation period and after resumed his old behaviors...they can change if there is a perk in the change for them.
What you described is "not" a narcissist changing. It is simply a narcissist putting on his mask and faking a different personality and fooling people, until he gets what he needs. Psychology experts have already determined from extensive research that a narcissist can NOT change. So don't waste your most valuable time. MOVE ON and QUICKLY.
@@aspen311 But this doctor is saying we can change? Maybe not those narcs who are at the very end of the spectrum, or malignant?
I'm sure I'm a narc and I've realized it four years ago, went back to old unconscious life and behaviour, but now I'm determined to not let that happen again... IDK, I'm scared of myself.
@@0FFICERPROBLEM Psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health professionals, through extensive research and study on the subject of narcissists have determined that there is no treatment, therapy or anything else that can be used to help the narcissist change. It is a mental disorder and there is NO CURE, NO PILL, NO THERAPY, that can change the NARCISSIST PERSONALITY. He/she is who they are for life.
@@aspen311 You understand narcissism exists on a spectrum (everyone has some dose of it, it's a fundamental personality trait) ?
Might it be those you refer to as 'unchangeable' are those with NPD who are unable to acknowledge there's something wrong with them?
Diagnoses are for professionals to have a common language for research and treatment. People still have individually unique psyches.
Therefore there's stories of people diagnosed with "NPD" who've managed to change, at least their behaviour, long term.
@@0FFICERPROBLEM We are talking about REAL NARCISSISM, the type of people that set out to hurt and destroy their victims, .and derive joy and pleasure from it. Most, if not all, people with this mental disorder do not even want to admit that they have a problem, so getting therapy is not even a possibility. Even, if the Narc agreed to go to counseling, they would simply put on their mask and gas light the therapist. So, again no...there is no treatment available for the NARC. The best thing that any person can do is get as far away from the NARC as possible...simply disappear if you can and have absolutely no contact with them.
greatly appreciate your videos Dr. Carter. My 85 year old dad's narcissist behaviour is deeply ingrained. He has made a mess of our family and been nothing but abusive and neglectful to my mother (who had a stroke 3 years ago). We were finally able to "rescue" her and is now in a care home, but he has access to her, so the battle continues. we have tried to involve police, but they won't assist as they are fooled by his "charm" when they have spoken to them. He has single handedly destroyed our family, caused division between my brothers and I, and put my put mother in a position where she wants to just die. Its horrible. The narcissist is the most dangerous and destructive personality.
My husband is a Type A personality and control freak, it took two friends to open my eyes to the fact that he's a narcissistic.