Yeah they are monsters with the way they act cus they Choose to be this way and they have a choice and this is how they have chosen to be 14 years surviving someone with this personality trait an style and 7 with children and it’s getting to the point that I will not live with him anymore and I’m glad he’s away at work and I’m having to learn to cope. That’s what the saying means you have to learn to fight monsters without becoming one because they have chose a sad existence to live they don’t want to live life they don’t live life they are empty inside and it doesn’t matter how much I love him it doesn’t matter how much I care I get emotionally starved by my man I get avoided an neglected I get no communication and I get silent treatment and that’s all I’ve really ever gotten so yeah they are not sick they’re evil that’s why they get called monsters because they will not change And I had two covert neglect parents as well and he had two more just neglect except I must’ve survived he had it worse than me I don’t know if he’s a covert narcissist or somebody with a lot of NPD and maybe there’s hope for him if he’ll see a therapist we are only 32 and 33 and after 14 years I can’t live with him anymore and he’s made my son my oldest son so defiant it’s rubbing off on him because NPD is like secondhand smoke you get sick if you’re around it pure misery it’s a nightmare to live in Dr. Ramani summed that up for me and this man is amazing I love his stuff. You are great! Thank you so much for your help and videos!
@@maxjasmine Their behavior is monstrous, REGARDLESS of what kind of background they grew up in. I have/had at least 12 in my family alone and as you might guess I married, not one, but two! So thankful for the information to identify and avoid them now.
It helps to remember that when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re dealing with a child between the ages of 2 and 9 who has no ability to mature or grow emotionally. Speak accordingly.
The team of memes..there's also another insight I have..the degree if cruelty and manipulation a narcissist dies us not something a child would be capable of. I don.t think their mindset should be compared to a child. They certainly knew how to act maturely, honestly, appropriately from an emotional perspective before the mask flew off. I believe humanity needs to come to terms with EVIL to And the exercising if freewill. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to gaslight,defraud,scheme,triangulate. They know right from wrong. Therefore they ate responsible for their actions. The depth of their depravity classifies their character as evil. Unless one is a mindcontrolled cia psyop, at some point humans chose what road they will take. May God protect us from this treacherous evil
Narcissists overreact to the simplest disagreement. It leaves the other person confused by the sudden outburst of anger and their feelings of betrayal and being deeply hurt over a seemingly trivial issue.
A guy online got upset with me because after he paid me a compliment (which i appreciated), i responded with a thank-you GIF instead of a note. How petty is that! Like I'm supposed to bow down in reverence?!? With most of us, compliments do NOT come with a price tag!
My daughter..there was an incident a few weeks ago. It just blew me away. I walked away thinking that it was something I said..it wasn't. Such sadness in my heart.
What is trivial to you, may not be trivial to another person. Who are you to say how someone should react to anything? What makes you so sure that your judgement is superior to others, or that everyone should act the way you say they should.
@@SurvivingNarcissism your professional approach is completely wrong. Truly, your stupid, ignorant, patronising videos would give the viewer the impression that narcissistic disorder is a choice. Furthermore, I think that you have narcissistic personality disorder yourself, and you ‘hide in plain sight’ by focusing attention away from the inner workings of your own mind and onto the narcissistic behaviour of others.
NOT A HONEST HEART FELT ONE BUT A TONE OF AIR OF CONDESCENDING OF Air OF minimise it u can hear it in there voice there tone GIVES ME CHILLS WHEN U NOTICE THERE TRAITS FAF FAKE AS FUCK
Another huge sign to look for is, they can go on and on about an issue they are having looking for you to listen, support and comfort them. If you try to tell them about any situation you have going on, they completely ignore you. Zero empathy or support. It’s like talking to a wall. If you every have a problem, you’re on your own!!!
I delt with my narcs bs for years. A major issue for me that really helped me see that I needed to end the toxic friendships was what you just said. We would talk about his stuff for literally 5 hours some days. As soon as it was about me he would be busy within 5 minutes. Next day, talk about his stuff all throughout when he was supposed to be working. Talk about my stuff, busy within 5 minutes. Text him about his stuff, all of a sudden he could text at work and talk for hours again. It happened every time to where it couldn't be a coincidence and the pattern was obvious. I realized I was just his sounding board.
This is exactly how my recent x was! Everything going on in her life was so much more important than ANYTHING I’m going through. Whenever I said something , it would be ignored exactly as you say.
@@angies3196 Almost every boss I've dealt with. NEVER any problems with my work or work habits(I am self-motivated, self-supervising). They pick a fight because they cannot admit that they ran out of work, or want to renege on verbal agreements, or implied agreements. They are deceivers and they don't want to face that. They *must* win--- because losing means they are *losers* ---- which is something they cannot respect.
They fabricate the entire world they live in. At some pt you realize they're having a relationship with some flat cartoon figure in their head & superimposing it onto you...it doesnt matter what you do or say or if you even still communicate with them; they're still blaming, craving or attacking you in their head, according to what mood they're in or any need to rationalize their loneliness or business mistakes. The cartoon of "you" is the perfect trashcan for whatever they don't want to digest.
Liza Field, Your comment helped me put this idea together: They're mean to you out of nowhere. Might have to do with the mood they're in. So it's something brewing inside of them and it just comes out on you. Just like Dr. C said, they have this ongoing agitation just underneath the surface that could explode onto you. That, plus being a control freak. Also, because they're in a superiority complex delusion, they might mistake something you said as a challenge to them.
There’s an expression that says, “never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.” In conflict situations with a narcissist, you’re just entering a bad faith argument. They have no desire to see eye to eye. They want you to get angry and lose control of your emotions. That way, they can find a reason to shift the blame to you. Played that game and took the bait one too many times. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
OMG! That’s exactly what I go through with my narc elderly mother! Yesterday, I asked her why she was trying to argue with every sentence I said. Of course, she wanted me to melt down so she could say “See ? You always get upset !” Thank you, Melinda!!!!
wow, spot on, so well said, that was exactly what happend, and i woke up this morning thinking of the bible verses, do not give your pearls to the swine, and does a pig return to its own vomit... this girl would do that nonstop, do things to offend me, provoke my anger, and i'd write something to her, then she'd play victim and it would give her an out for her behavior... now im faving assault DV charge and disorderly conduct for how bad this woman messed with me. all's i did was throw water on her to get her away from my car after she was caught in multiple lies, and i asked her a dozen times to just get out and get away from my car. its like she set me up in the end, i truly feel she provoked me, she even GAVE me the bottle of water earlier in the night... so strange.
My elderly Narc Mom is in assisted living. It’s beautiful and expensive. She constantly complains about the place, people, food, etc. acts like she is sick regularly and talks about how nervous she is there. When I’m not there, she is totally fine. I’ve asked the staff. She never complains, has friends snd participated in activities!!! It’s all a rouse to make me feel bad she is there and be in a state of constant anxiety and worry. I only see her once a week now snd I’m in counseling. She is very toxic!!
Me too...only realised when my mum was very poorly and my brother "don't come over" then "I am a vile creature everyone detests me" then silent treatment and blame after I tried to protect my mum. No contact since...10 months of real eye opening. Have had some bereavement counselling. Take care it was a difficult time of pain and woe. I am getting better...we all must carry on with DRC.
A Narcissist is just impossible to deal with, especially in a conflict situation. It’s like talking to a brick wall. They would rather drop dead on the floor then admit they are wrong.
Yuuuup... The narc's grandaughter might have lived with all 3 of you, and you witnessed said granddaughter take a *HOT* 1/2 hour shower every single day whether it was needed or not and then basically do everything they could to clog the kitchen sink, but YOU will get blamed for it. I found out that not only denying that I was the culprit of the high water bill (from showers) AND the clogged sink, the worse thing to do is tell the truth of who actually did it. No matter what, YOU will be blamed, for the next decade plus, even when you only shower once every month or two months AND go out of your way to clean out the sink traps every single time you come in contact with the sink. You will still ALWAYS be at fault until you magically turn to dust as if you've never existed in the first place.
I have been out gaming my narc, thanks to these and other beyond helpful videos, my narc husband finally apologized and reached out to me for the first time in our 8 years!! I have to constantly be on guard, but it is so simple just to smile and one up him. He literally is faced with and forced to respond by looking at himself!! It's amazing. Unfortunately it's too late for my parents, but I am getting more wins!!! Take care and try, and I say this only for situations with your narssacist is dangerous to you or your family, but do use the advice in how to return the serve!! It is freeing!!! If you are in a more dangerous situation, find a way out, because none of this will work. Stay safe my friends! 😉🤗😷❤❤
@Lisa King. , they are scared. Everything scares them. They don’t know it, usually. The difference is, when their fears are triggered, they “come out swinging”…attacking with ugly words, lying, manipulating, etc. Envious doesn’t begin to cover it. It’s all basic fears. They fear for survival at every level.
@@1Chimonger They lack any real foundation, that's why. Their lives seem to be built on shifting sands. And it's a sad thing. Be grateful for the foundations you have in your life. And be very grateful you have a healthy mind.
@@lisaking4386 It can be tragic, watching someone spin out of control like can happen. Holding onto shreds of sanity can be very hard; they try, but, most cannot seem to control the spin-outs. But some do manage some improvement. It’s just, those around them, being repeatedly hit by the shrapnel, cannot keep allowing themselves to get hit…those must retreat, to “love from a safe distance”.
'how envious they are of others' > Is that why they had to 'keep up with the Joneses'? Remember the 1950's? When our parents' generation felt they needed to 'keep up with the Joneses'? There were a lot of N parents in that group.
If I had to take a psychology course in high school that included in the curriculum some information about personality disorders I wouldn't be here 20 years later with my life in ruin. It took me several years of studying on my own to begin to realize the situation I was in and by then it was far too late.
I think you just identified a defining characteristic - it's a real acid test of the kind of personality you're dealing with, and should be a major red flag. Having to try to avoid provoking a tantrum should always ring alarm bells.
The covert is smart, has different patterns, depends on the conflict, they twist all around and push you, until you start to get angry so they can point you are the one whose crazy
@@emailjosie39 I find myself questioning whether I am the narcissist cos he accuses me of all the things I think he does. My head feels like it will explode. Advice of how a healthy person does it a good refocus.
True, but they will call you jealous!! And if you are not a jealous person, they will bring a thir person on the game. Either cheat or talk about this person constantly and THEN call you jealous and at the same time put you down. It's torture.
They do not care about the feelings of others the more they hurt you the better they feel.They will loose their whole family for their own selfish needs.
@@kesselrunheroj8497 much like, in a ‘do as thou wilt’ society, what’s evil to one person, is good to another. I guess it just depends upon which side you are on?
When they snap, they start making threats, such as taking away something they think you want, even though you may not even want it. Example. My 86 yr old dad is in a nursing home. He wont take his therapy so medicare dropped him. I, his 63 yr old daughter, is his POA. Not by my choice however. Dad has dementia. Im paying the nursing home out of his bank account. He wants me to bring him 500.00 to the nursing home. I refuse. He begins to threaten that he will take me off of his bank account if I dont stop trying to control his money. How twisted is that. I walk out of the room, and I dont go back.
So true. After I left I told mine I would only communicate by text. He still would call every day even tho I said a million times I didn’t want to actually speak. Then when he would text and ask if I could talk and I told him no (for the millionth time as I said before I would only text) he would snap.
Yep! My ex wants back with me, after strangling me, spending nearly a year in jail, and now he’s homeless. He only wants the comfort I can give and to have someone to manipulate. Screw that. I’m so much better off alone
You are so precious! ♥️ It's not good that he still knows how to reach you, or find you. You need to move if he knows where you live. He only wants to come back to 'Make You Pay' for that year in jail! The internet makes it very easy to locate people. If you can feed it false information on your location, do so! Seriously, protect yourself! Contact an organization that helps battered women, so you can learn their ways of hiding, and protecting yourself. Take a course on self protection! Some are free. 💌
@@faithm9284 Your new address shows only when you move and change voting location. I haven't changed my address for voting in years and it still shows I live at an address I moved from years ago. I've had several different addresses on my drivers license but none of those show up when I try and track myself. As for paying one of those internet sites, the ones that find your email etc., I have no clue what they use. They need to be taken down for safety reasons!!! HUGS
I have a question for you,.... By any chance, when he wants to use you because he cannot survive on his own as well without you, does he still after all that, continue to decieve you with cheating and lying about it to you which causes conflicts when you try to set boundaries for what you will and will not accept? Honestly after what I just went through, I keep myself focused on the reality that he is sick and it is not his fault he is sick and behaves like this, his enablers know damn well what they are doing too in encouraging obviously unhealthy conduct and there is something wrong with them too, but it is not my job to fix him all I can do is pray for him and move on and completely cut him and the circus that surrounds him, out of my life. I wish you all the very best in removing this scourge from your life. Stand strong and maintain NO CONTACT at all because they are masters at sucking you back in because you are caring and kind, traits and virtues they are not capable of. That is why I keep telling myself whenever I feel weak, he is sick and that is not his fault, but I cannot save him, or fix him and it is not my responsibility to do so. The best I can do is wish him well, pray for his well being and move on by completely removing him from my life, knowing I am not hurting him by doing so, I am saving me and that is the ONLY thing I can do successfully in this situation because he is sick and it is not his fault, and not my fault either. I will keep you in my prayers.
@@karenorlowski6433 They never change, they only get smarter about hiding things. They will even go to church with you to fool you into believing they have changed. RUN and do NOT look back!!!
@@karenorlowski6433 Yes! He is sick, AND doing it On Purpose, ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! They make you a pet! Your there for their wants, needs, but it's never anything close to real love. It's a game they play to build themselves up as they break you down. Covert or Overt doesn't matter, the results, their plan, it's the same; and who the players are, doesn't matter to them at all! They will replace you soon enough, so don't let your emotions rule here! This is mental warfare, and you're being hunted for the worst kind of mental death. It's as basic and emotionally void for a guy, as a friend w/benefits with adding an abusive evil agenda against you. Being married to one only means they have steady supply, your still a pet! They can be charming, affectionate, generous, but it's all with an agenda! They have their game down, and don't believe you can 'beat them at their own game' trying to keep your head above water, reality intact. Don't believe this is love! Remind yourself, if their mouth is moving they're lying, flirting in front of you guarantees cheating, you are only a prop to them, pet! Please realize,.. accept the knowledge, their emotional games ARE Done On Purpose, and you need to get out of the way of the Max truck! If you are 'there' you will always be in 'its' sights until it destroys you! This is not a competition to see who's 'stronger', and if you feel any of that, run, because that Will Be a challenge to them. Distroying Strong, Kind, Compassionate woman is fun for them. Find out what a healthy relationship consist of, it doesn't just happen! You need to be the healthiest 'component' in the dynamics before you will know who is a good mate. Ask God to give you healthy boundaries, He'll do it for you! Give yourself time learn, and to understand why you attract them! Take the quiz on 'How We Love .Com' it's free and you don't need to give your email to access it. They do offer great added info if you want it. It will tell you what your attachment style is, and what you need to address. I snapshot my results so I can take it again to see how I'm healing. Ask God to make you the woman, (man) He created you to be, He makes it easy breezy! Much love to you, and God bless! 💌
There is no reasoning with a narcissist, no rationale with a narcissist, you will not win if you stay with a narcissist! Run as fast as you possibly can run run run.
Sadly, I'm my narcissistic mother's caregiver. There is no one but me. My older brother has passed and my older sister is also narcissistic but complicated by many other mental disabilities as well (I'm also her caregiver). Theres no escape for me.
I can relate to that. Family meetings where everyone else knows but me and i am supposed to just decide on things that instant. First time, ok.... but then i explained i would appreciate collaborative input before everyone(the children)else knows or has decided as to not everyone gets their hopes up and in turn guilt me further into submission when I either can't do a said thing or do not want to do something.
@@greeneyedparadox6609 Usually there are red flags. Rarely do issues just surface from nowhere. But please remember that guilting is common with certain types of family members. If they don't come out and tell you something, there will be a pretty extensive display of passive-aggressive behavior. It is up to you to notice. It is one thing to care, but it is another for someone to take full advantage of your kindness. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself.
,,..im waiting to get away from a so called friend whos a big pain in the backside..a controll freak manic..lots of anger..no compassion..no empathy..i cant wait to move out...
My husband cleans up something and he talks about it all day. I do 50 things a day and not a word. If I don't praise him, I'm heartless. God, drives me nuts.
This isn't universally true. Not every narcissist is psychopathic. There is good in me..im just an empty person with no empathy and need for superiority and vain as fuck. I indeed will snap if confronted but if some guy was dragging a little girl off or something id risk my life to save her. I'm actually disgusted by bullies and psychopaths and wish i could feel the warm emotions that typical humans get. I'm lonely, depressed, and have attempted suicide twice. My desire to pass increases as years add up and i can't look as good as i used to. At 36 the future is bleak because id rather die than be old and ugly.
@@lifeisgood7740 perhaps you are right. C'est la vie as it were. I can't see myself any other way. Maintaining my physique and performance going into my 40s is taking unnatural measures at this time but im ok with the possible consequences. I might not live quite as long as my peers but I'll die beautiful. I have a love for beauty and indulgence but i truly wish no harm on anyone. Unless they go out of their way to get into mine 😏
Yeh, because they see your different opinion as an attack on theirs, which in their 'reality' is always right, so yours must be wrong. And if you stick to your opinion, that's it, bang! The fight is on. I just state I'm not interested in fighting, only in real conversation/discussion. And calmly walk away.
I hear ya sister....... mine is close to dying and I dont really care, sounds horrible but its the truth, I had to listen to this to remind myself what she has done all my life!
Cassandra - Mine is my adult Daughter, and it's becoming Impossible to even tolerate short visits from her, she seems calm and nice, but then just explodes into a rage over absolutely Nothing , and won't let me speak at all, if I start to say something, she just shouts over my voice, so I've stopped trying. I'm pretty sure she wasn't like this as a child, so I'm confused about why she's like it now.
After being put "in my place" by a narcissist, I shut down, go silent and feel confused. I end up giving the silent treatment to them because any defense of my own thoughts is just another offense to them and they lash out. Then...they say I'm unwilling to resolve our problems. Being quiet seems like the only way.
That's important, putting you (and me) in your place. As long as I knew my place I could depend on this close friend to reassure me, but if I significantly stepped out of line...yikes.
I learned this as a child and it was to protect myself from the abusers. The less I talked or participated, the less I could be criticized and punished for doing so. I then got labeled a " shy", "introverted" etc. Total bs.
One thing I’ve learned is they always wanna move WAY TOO quick in a relationship. Normal people want to take it slow and get to know one another. The narc is ready to move in and have your baby within a month of the relationship!! JUST CRAZY!!
My ex bf was like this! He will say I love you and want you to move in within a month. ALL of his exes have lived...with HIM. Not the other way around. We dated in high school and I thought he may have changed in 18 years but I also didn’t realize he was a narcissist until this second try. He needs and likes control and when that didn’t work with me, it caused problems. He knew how I was, he knew my beliefs about living together and other subjects. He thought he could get me to change my mind (because you know? Why wouldn’t I? He’s wonderful. 🙄) and when he couldn’t, things got worse. No respect for boundaries, always trying to force me to do things, silent treatment, (quick) anger, emotional blowups, always my fault, tried isolation...all of the textbook crap. This guy is literally talking about him. Lol! I wanted to build a foundation, something lasting but he rushes everything. I’m so happy I left...I was miserable.
@@tranquility9325 Thank you so much.... smarter? I could write a book on it now... On a serious note it was the greatest gift of my life... Not every gift comes wrapped in happiness... This one clearly didn't.... But was the greatest thing happened to me
So true! It is funny bc mine would ridicule me for my driving and say ‘you better never get a ticket!’ But when he got two, the first was bc he was a man (lady cop) and the second was bc he was white (black cop). And when he rear ended someone, it was bc the sun light blinded him, caused him to sneeze and rear end person. And when he knocked something off the counter, the shoes that I bought him caused him to slip and his hand to jolt violently. Those are the things that you can roll your eyes at. Other things that they do...not so much.
In my experience, a Narcissistic person can go round and round about nothing in particular, disagreeing just to disagree. Their listening skills are severely lacking, especially when you try to confront a hurtful behavior. Name calling, threats, and using every traumatic experience against their victims as a weapon is the style of one Narcissistic person I know. They try to explain that if you weren't such a messed up person emotionally, things could have been a lot different. Changing the subject when you try to tell them something they don't care to hear, bringing up a chore, errand, car repair, or something of that nature gets shifted to the topic, instead of dealing with their destructive behaviors. I felt more like I had adopted a bad kid, instead of a relationship with a partner or fiance. I wasted 8 years with him. When he got served, he moved in with another woman immediately. I feel sorry for her. I am focused on the kids, and enjoying some hobbies, bought myself flowers, took up gardening, etc and I am happy to be single.
Always trying to outwit or outsmart you so you question your ability to think and make decisions. You question your common sense and feel defensive for nothing. Recently we were in Home Depot and I showed him the controller I had for our sprinkler system. It was a battery operated timer and it worked for several years. He cut through the power lines to out main controller but left me to fix it. It suddenly stopped working but the read out worked and I could manually operate it. He gaslit me in the store asking if the batteries are dead, did I use the right kind of batteries, there are better batteries that I should have used, his voice was loud and extremely condescending and there were many men around us. He won, even thought I loudly said I am not an idiot. I can tell if a battery is dead! UGH...He wanted me to question my ability to reason, and think. He wanted me to feel small and stupid and he feel macho and superior.
#1 way to identify a narc...when meeting them, they lay out a portfolio of their lives in 10 mins. They mirror all your likes and dislikes. They speak of themselves in some grandiose way, either in accomplishments or misery. And they cannot ever genuinely apologize for ANYTHING.
They study you and figure out how to manipulate you. I am just part of his collection of stuff. He is a collector that is borderline hoarding. It is organized like a museum, labeled, on display stands, has to have all of it and the best. I am a minimalist and don’t collect anything. I do’t see the point. I am just part of the collection.
@@colleengarcia7752 all the things they found good in you become things to despise later. Things to pick apart. It's as tho they see the good in you, see the lack of good I themselves, then use them against you. It's a no win situation.
Yeah, I was going to say one trait that the person may be a narcissist is that they will go on about themselves and their accomplishments. The guys may have long sideburns or long mustaches too. Watch out for them.
They create the conflict out of thin air. There never needed to be any conflict at all to begin with. I love a comment I read here, "they rewrite history to make themselves the victim and you the bad guy". Great take on this whoever you are!
Not just rewrite history man. It's worse, they believe their false revisedvhistory AND tell it to everyone else around you. The sad part is a lot of people believe them and you turn out to be the bad guy even though you have been the victim.
My narcissist ex-friend said "And I don't want to hear complaints, only solutions" when we were working in the same room, and no one had said a word for 10 minutes. She also criticized me for 'using 2 keystrokes instead of 1' because using 1 extra keystroke 'wasted time'. They always find something to criticize.
It doesn’t exactly help that most of media and pretty much all of politics is like you just describe. Saw the presidential debate yesterday and it was all about not listening more than 3 seconds, then accusing and trying to rewrite history. Most of it was gas lightning. And yes I think Trump was worse from this point of view, even though I don’t pick a side in these things.
Hell on earth. And the older they are, the worse and more frequent the pattern cycles they send you through happen. From love-bombing to discard within a few days, then over again. I’m losing my mind. No normal family life. No love, I don’t know what love is. No good communication, just you listening to their stories, with full attention. You talk, they turn back and leave or multitask. I worry about what damage living with him for 50 years has done to me. I have tremors, upset stomach, never truly happy. No joy. He’s a joy killer. He’s created a completely dysfunctional home and family, but his abnormal behavior is just for me and our poor two sons with autism who hear and see conflict. During 8 month separation, I never was once upset. He upsets me every day. It’s so late in life now to divorce him, but he’s gotten so bad for my health, I’ve got to do something.
You may not need to reach a point of conflict. Politely disagree with someone on several topics in one conversation. You’ll know very quickly if you’re dealing with a narc!
Madeleine you're so right. They'll go home and stew over the conversation for hours and then send you a looong email accusing you of hating them, and of purposely trying to pick a fight through disagreement, blah blah blah....
Please don't actually tell them "watch how a healthy person handles conflict" cause you know they'll make you look crazy. Just keep that mantra to yourselves and end the conversation. Walk away. Remind yourself that they're crazy.
Bingo! It may seem & feel cold and calloused, but After you’ve seen and read some narc intervention horror stories, you’ll thank yourself. There is none so blind as he who WILL not see😎🙏🏻
I like when Dr. C said to be cautious when there are good exchanges between you and the narcissist, because it’s a mirage. This is what gets me every time with these individuals because I want to believe this is the person they are. It’s so sad that they don’t see a problem with their behavior.
Hehe. From experience, I've learnt that the true form of whom a narcissist is comes out when; They are soo envious and threatened by another individual basically appreciating and validating you in public that they decide to instigate an opinion contest with that person. Obviously they are going to be oppositional to them in an effort to maintain the narrative that you are worthless and of no value. But then the said person and the public do not have any relationship with the Narc that necessitates loyalty to them. And so these other people plainly and unflinchingly point out the flaws in the narcissists reasoning and there is a general consensus that what they are trying to advance is wrong. And because of the Narcs need to remain hidden and keep this fake persona in public, they have nothing to do but concede or at least not expose their irrationality in public. From that moment, they lose control of the carefully curated persona as well as the similarly curated extremely unreasonable narcissistic persona as it will be identified and pointed out. They become the true deeply insecure and self loathing individual that hides behind the fakes. They have this defeated hang of the flesh over their bones. They will probably slouch, The fake beauty on their face that I honestly believe is a practiced intentional holding of the face muscles is out the wind. Thus they become this ugly person who seems to be 20 years older. They plod around with a certain splattering of footsteps and flailing of limbs, They suddenly loose any regulation of holding the body in any decent stance and give this appearance of a person ready to let their whole body and being be abused and used as trash, They will most probably suddenly vomit out some word salad in a fashion that reminds one of a child's tantrum or something like a rabbied animal thrashing incoherently. The whole look reminds you of some very primal animal that has no idea what human civility is. It is profoundly disgusting.
I agree. I read so many books on effective communication. Not one single book said you cannot effectively communicate with a narcisst - it is a waste of time. Effective information tells you to get away from them ASAP.
You damn right. I've previously described them as; A configuration of the intangible stuff that inhabits the brain that cannot be described as human but as an invasive entity that has taken control of the physical vessel of a human being. One who's sustenance is raw pain, dispair, fear, and pretty much that terror that is experienced as one proceeds towards demise. So the thing is like a farmer, all their efforts are to cultivate and saw seeds in that intangible part of you that yield the above mentioned things. So that they can always come and harvest this produce and feed themselves to continue to exist. And just like any organism, they seek to propergate their genes and hence you will notice a pertinent need to procreate its type and continue its legacy. This to me makes sense. That they can and should be classified as an almost sentient invasion of the physical human body
For me all my alarm bells start to rattle when I meet these gushy people for the first time and they treat you like their best friend. They only associate with people who will be beneficial to their progress. They want something from you.
OMG, my stomach just dropped when I read this. I just met someone who is seemingly desperately trying to be my friend. She is really mushy, gushy, drippy, sappy & saccharine sweet to everyone. I get a really creepy vibe from people who have that sunshine disposition and are over the moon to see everyone in their path. I’ve seen flashes of a dark side to this person already, but only for a brief second. She just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach from the moment I met her. Before she even opened her mouth to me, I wanted to GTFO of the room she was in. Intuition is real. I am trying to stay away from her, but my situation is sort of limited right now and I can’t quite get out of it yet. So, in the meantime, I am very superficial/surface with this person. I don’t tell her anything of substance and I keep my face, tone and demeanor pretty neutral when I’m around her. She could suck the air out of a room.
I had a coworker come at me like that. "Oh youre so awesome, we should be BFFLs.. " Im like "dial it back buddy, you don't even know me at all to call me awesome" he tried very hard to get in my good graces only to try to get me to cover shifts for him. 🤔
I really love your last point - it's so easy to lose it with these people because there is no sense of justice and they are so mean; but losing your cool just makes your fall into their trap.
The tricky part here is that narcissistic subconsciously chose codependents as their victims; were just easy prey because we were conditioned as infants, children then teenagers to accept this abuse as normal. The control and manipulation projected by the narcissist onto us is hardwired into our subconscious as “normal” so we are already prepared to accept this bad behavior. That’s why I say tricky. It usually takes age and several bad encounters with these people to realize the pattern that we have accepted. They will keep coming at us until we recognize this pattern and take real conscious efforts to deal with it the best way our present circumstances allow us to. Educate yourselves to understand the pattern then you will see it coming and have the tools to deal with what these narcissists are dumping on you. So we must remove ourselves at least consciously at first, learn what’s going on so we can see it coming, then emotionally and physically prepare ourselves with their dirty little tricks. If you are married to this person you are basically tied to the whipping post; been there done that. There are things you should do; get your ducks in a row. These people completely change when they see you are no longer taking their bait. Be very careful. If you work for them, get another job; it’s not worth the money. If it’s someone you’re in a social situation with..get away from them; they are playing you for their own good. Listen to your gut feeling!!! It’s right every time !!
So true, and if you are conditioned from childhood. the abnormality of the behavior of the narcissist has long since become invisible, i.e. , effectively "normal", so that you don't see it until so much later, when, as they say, the scales have fallen from your eyes. Just as Dianne has said.
Thank you for your voice. Keep speaking your truth because in the end that is the best way to truly defeat the narcissist :) To always be true to you no matter what!
Dianne Christensen I’m a Mother to a Narc daughter. She’s been diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar 1 but I know she’s a Narc. I went N/C with her almost one year ago. I couldn’t take the abuse and torment she was handing out to me. I just was so sick of it I cut her off. I miss my grandkids so much. But my life has been so much better since I don’t have her in my life. I feel free. I’m taking my life back.
Thank you I’m a Highly Sensitive person and it is known that Narcissists are attracted to a Highly Sensitive person. I have them all around me all the time.
With a covert narcissist it is not clear in the beginning that you are dealing with a covert narcissist, because that person has to keep up the façade the whole time. Conflicts start when that person has won your convidence. Than the insulting, lies, cheating, blaming, gaslighting, silence treatment starts.
In my situation as I'm thinking about the covert I am divorcing, it's not that he was convincing... more than I wanted to be convinced. I saw what I wanted to see in him because deep down I wanted him to save me from my previous abusive home life (he had all the signs)He was going to rescue me and no matter what I was going to make that square fit in that circular shape! I get mad at myself sometimes. I was that desperate for rescuing, so I thought that I would break every moral, relationship boundary I set up for myself. You live, Lear and be better every moment!! Sending LOVE and peace!!
Raoul Kleijntjens - It has always been my nature to back away from a conflict until it can be discussed rationally but those are circumstances that do not occur when dealing with a narcissist. That said, I merely disengage - further and further. I see that as different from "the silent treatment" yet that is the accusation that eventually comes forth. I will not sit there and make small talk because they want to change the subject and push it into the rear-view mirror as quickly as possible as a means of diffusing it. No explanation and certainly no apology. But I get what you're saying
PJE I totally agree. I have been accused by my covert narc of punishing with the silent treatment for disengaging. I have learned to keep all conversation shallow and agreeable in order to not induce a disagreement. Now my narc says "it's very obvious you are trying to shut me out of your life". You can't win! Our relationship has become so shallow and superficial that it's not worth keeping. So I left.
@@kharissataylor2001 I thought I could "fix" the NPD. I wanted to make the rescue ... make the square fit the circle. Either approach can lead to the same place.
Jay Arre NOPE! You must not be nearly naive enough to think that you have the insights, cunning, knowledge, stamina and will to dominate necessary to train them. And even more than that, you must not be silly enough to think that they’re going to willingly have any part of being trained! You must not have encountered real narcs
@Jay Arre Don't think they can be trained because true narcissists are never sorry about anything they do, so if they are apologizing, it is fake just to get you off their back.
I told my narc to get out. I loved him dearly, my love was not returned, so I told him to beat it. All this stuff is true, & awful. Then you find out you were victim of narcissism, suddenly, it all makes sense, in a weird & creepy way.I found out on Christmas Day, 2018, after watching one of these videos.I send my love to all of you who are suffering from this affllction. it is awful.
Blues mamarara: I'm proud of you sister! You are strong, and wise! Having healthy boundaries, and loving yourself is the best value you can offer your healthy self! The right man will show himself to you, you will be a prize to him, and a force of nature. God's blessings! 💌
Yep. I had all the things about him I was like wtf why are you like this. Why does he do these things....Been about a month I found Dr Cater and Dr Ramini. Now I know. They talk about all his ways. Classic narc. Down the list. Now what am I going to do? I love him and I guess the dream of how I wish he was. Hes a cool person but I c ant live with out someone i can truely talk to about me and my feelings. Someone to encourage me and lift me up. Makes me so sad.
Narcissists are not about love, so please know what you're feeling is from Codependency, by lack of personal boundaries. That's why it feels like love. You're about to be compassionate to him, and waste many years of your life. This is why you are his prey. No boundaries means he can manipulate you, and you will lower your standards to excuse his treatment of you. The love bombing is only until he convinces you he's 'the one' and his bad treatment is only random! Know you are being tested, and honed to accept his manipulation, lies, and emotional abuse. You are now the frog in the hot pot of simmering water. He's not the one. If you have s€x with him, you will attach, he won't! Look up oxytocin, and ladies! Please keep your panties On. Take the quiz to see what your attachment style is on How We Love .com it's free. What you score, are the things you need to work on. You don't have to give your email for results, however, I suggest you snapshot your results so you can go back as you conquer, in yourself what draws Narcissists to you. They have lots of really great information on this site too! Fix yourself first, or you will be like a bouncing ball through life not able to find a place to land safely. Don't think you have to stick around to figure him out, you are already ahead of his game because you know he's a Narcissist, but you're only ahead if you breakaway. They know what is needed to seem like your soulmate, it isn't real, please save yourself, your precious life's time, cut and run. 💌
@@terrikelly2762 if you see the warning signs then you need to get out as fast as you can. Great advice from Faith M above. I've been surrounded by narcos all my life, my older brother, and I attracted two narc husbands! The second one was pure evil, he'd had more years to hone his skills. He raped me repeatedly whilst I was pregnant, he refused to take me to hospital when I was in advanced labour. For almost 2 hours I begged him to take me to hospital but he kept stalling, I was having regular contractions whilst he was playing online poker! I was about to call a taxi then he nonchalantly said 'ok lets go' and baby was born within half an hour of arriving at hospital. He's a black belt at judo and he did a stranglehold on me one night whilst in bed- he said he was dreaming, I'm not sure now that he was - he always used to say he was a trained killer, I think he did it to scare me. He used to joke about it to friends saying he could have killed me whilst sleeping! There's lots more, I could go on. I know I was trauma bonded and felt totally trapped in the relationship, I was desperately unhappy but I'd come to believe it was my fault. When I look back now I find it hard to believe that I put up with so much abuse. If you are unsure now please get out while you can. Other coaches, as well as Carter, that I've found really helpful on YT are Richard Grannon, Spartan Life Coach, and Ross Rosenberg. Plus worth checking out Dr Gabor Mate on trauma - as childhood trauma (CPTSD) is the foundation for the codependecy traits. Take care, wishing you peace and happiness - something you'll never find whilst living with a narc!
@@immortalnow exactly the guy I was just dating I just found out he's a narc he has been rushing me since we started talking into moving in with him so we can be with each other every single day and we only been talking for a month I told him I'm not rushing into moving in with him and kept saying no to him seeing me at all he told me I'm moving too slow for him etc
I used to record my conversations with my Ex. and play back there words when they started an argument and said, 'I never said that!' She smashed 4 tape recorders before I gave up.
You have no choice but to laugh at their immaturity to keep your sanity. Isn't it amazing how they are all basically the same? I'm so glad we have information like this available now. It feels good to be validated.
I record him regularly. If not, for anyone but myself. I just retired and am stuck with him. I live my life more separately because financially, it works. He's a mess. 71 and something always wrong with him. He's morbidly obese by the doctor's standards and wonders why he had to have a knee replacement, two back surgeries, now heart issues. He continues to shove food in his mouth. If I suggest therapy because he's always in pain, he says I'm heartless. Ya can't win. I am so frustrated but turn him off. Last year, I told him I wanted a two month in house separation. It was wonderful! I have many friends and many hobbies. His hobbies are watching TV and eating. UGH. Had to get it out. Thanks.
Once she knew that I recorded her she went crazy, told me that it was illegal. I said it was for my own sanity, and I just wanted to hear our conversations again.
@@juliantreidiii What's more is most are getting more and more aware that people are recording their lunacy, spreading awareness, and sharing their differing (yet oddly in-common) experiences with narcs so others can watch out. That's what it's all about. To spread awareness for others who may not know how these people are, and how to avoid them, and watch out for them. But narcs know full well of narc-awareness on the rise, so they feel cornered, and not being able to breathe. They don't see the benefit of narc awareness, all they see is a reality that cuts off, or gets in their way of the only thing that matters to them: their supply. I had one of them go off in all caps on a forum talking about how people need to lay off of narcs, and pay attention to the real "threats" such as sociopaths and psychopaths, and how narcs were innocents and misunderstood. When I replied that narcs are in the same class as sociopaths and psychopaths, and all sociopaths and psychopaths are narcs by default anyways, she had a full on meltdown. Demanding how old I was (like all of them do to invalidate me due to my age), if I went to college ( like all of them do to invalidate me as an uppity, overly educated know-it-all who knows nothing about the real world), and telling me to stop being a coward, to shut my mouth about narcissists, and to be woman enough to meet her at her house...I guess to fight? XD So when craps really getting heated, expect a lot more of them to ask, "you recording me or something?" Either with a smirk, sarcastically, or overtly threateningly, and expect them to promise that if you're recording them that you're going to "pay." I grew up with a narc mother who found my private journals which recorded the outlandish things she said over the years. Oh, how she magically "remembered" what she said when she denied it beforehand. Oh, how she held me captive for hours on end, blabbing on about me taking it to heart, and punishing her, and talking such poison, and how good she was. But to cap it off, she promised me that if I even thought of tape recording her irl, or over the phone, that was "betrayal", she was my mother, and that I would be sorry. She said time and time she's not afraid of court, and she'd make me pay, because again, narcs will cling onto the fact that recording others against their consent is "illegal", yet they hate evidence, and never mind the fact that almost all damage they cause to other's lives is illegal. The finniest thing I've eve r heard from her regarding my writing things about her shenanigan's was that I wasn't going to get "rich" off of her. I guess she really was paranoid I was going to write a "tell all" about her. Nah, because that would mean I would voluntarily puke constantly. I didn't even know people took to recording narcs back then. I just wrote it down, because I love to write, and it's easy for me to record things in that way, but she may have had some experience with it from someone else. Because while writings can just be taken as writings, or edgy teen angst in that point in time, actual audio recordings that can be authenticated can rule out all doubt. Watch the panic in a narc's eyes if you even offhandedly mention recording any hypothetical evidence being recorded by audio or CCTV. Watch the narc go on and on about how the other person on the audio "made" the narc say the awful things, and threats they said. Listen to them justify on how much someone else made the narc in the records curse, hit someone, or throw things about. Watch them scramble and claim that there are still two sides to each story to invalidate the situation. And if all else fails, well, they can always say eff you, or fly into yet another narc rage. They just ain't wired right. As paranoid as they are about their good reputation while acting like the biggest, flaming pieces of dog feces on planet earth, you'd think they'd just be good people, and give up the wickedness, but I suppose that's just too much for them. Because if they did, they wouldn't be who they are. I can't really view them, or people like them, or people worse than them as "people" either. They got no humanity, and seem right proud of it too, so there's nothing left in how to feel about them.
Even more problematic is when a narcissist, who hasn't spoken to several members of their family in years, is also a family therapist... These people should not be able to become licensed mental health workers
Had a Narc on my plane last night (I'm a flight attendant). They were sitting in First Class. He couldn't control his 3 year old and blamed the flight attendants! The kid screamed like she was being tortured because she didnt want to sit down. My flight partner was stunned, but thanks to Dr. C I knew IMMEDIATELY what we were dealing with. He yelled at his wife when she followed our instructions. Poor thing...between the kid screaming and him yelling at her she was exasperated. In the air, he screamed at my flight partner when she asked him to repeat his drink order. She walked to the back of the plane where I was working in tears. We switched positions. I told him if I had ONE unpleasant word from him we would divert the flight, security would meet him at the gate and escort him off. "Are we clear?" He said yes and apologized. Later in the flight he was super nice...but calmly told a complete lie about my flight partner! The other passengers were appalled. One guy gave his business card and said to contact him if we needed a witness. Thank you, Dr. C! You helped me do my job better!
Firstly are you a psycholigst to be sure if some one is a narcsissit or not secondly who are you to decide if you are gonna divert the plan.. maybe you are even GOD .. seriously who is the narsissit here ??? I think the one who thinks she can do anything in her fantasy world .. i feel sorry for ur co-worker and family ..you must play god all the time
I used to work for an airline and it was through an interest in matters related to leadership that I first realised what narcissism was about. Management positions lend themselves to people with these tendencies as it gives them control and an unlimited supply of flying monkeys. Many of these people would end up in first and business class. Well done with your handling of a very difficult situation. True leadership is largely about two words/actions - the Care and Growth of others and this is no doubt what you are all about. Regards from New Zealand.
@Chris H She might not be able to, but she surely can tell the pilot. When the latter decides that the situation could become dangerous, he could surely divert the flight.
@@Psh-ky2ny 1. I coordinated my response with my Captain before speaking to the passenger. 2. If it walks like a duck...3. So, I guess you're just going to ignore the fact that I had a verbally abusive passenger, right? OK. 4. If you can't say "Amen" say "Ouch!" Happy Holidays!
My ex-wife is a narcissist and she's the only person I ever have conflict with while communicating. If I disagree with anything, no matter how minor, it turns into a fight. She, of course, blames me for being unreasonable and (wait for it) for being a narcissist.
Leave her? For your own benefit? Or does she discard you, wait a while, and then apologize and find a way to blame YOU for her reaction? Aaaah the cycle of abuse.
YES. My ex did the same. I only ever had conflict with him and he called me evil and manipulative. Funny when I told everyone else they were SHOCKED that he said that to me and not the other way around.
I was called bi polar by 2 individuals who one is a narc and has PTSD, the other one has many personality disorders, too many to even name here. Two loons sitting at a table discussing my mental health. All I needed was popcorn. It was simply something out of this world. One of her issues is dissociative identity disorder, which used to be called multiple personality disorder. She also has Munchausen. Which is where a person pretends to have an illness for attention. She pretended she had 2 terminal cancers at the same time, with zero symptoms lol. But yes, I'm the sick one😂
this. basically whenever they speak i doubt everything they say and have to tell myself it's all lies bc it is. the only way to be well again is to get away from them. they distort your reality to such malignant degrees. You can trust nothing about them except that you will be hurt relentlessly by them, and they DO NOT CARE
One time my ex and I were in a discussion and the conversation went like this: Him....” you are not listening to me!” Me.....I am listening, but I am not agreeing with you!”. He never did understand what I was saying. He had no concept of the possibility that I did not have to think the same way he did.
They operate in black and white, agreeing to disagree requires moving in the grey areas which requires patience and understanding and pondering, skills they don't have... easier for a prideful arrogant person to just believe they are right all the time and if the dumbass world would just align themselves with their thinking then all would be well.
Tell them "no" and see how they react. Narcissists do not like for people to have boundaries because it interferes with their ability to take advantage. They always want the upper hand. It is hard to manipulate someone who has respect for themselves and firm boundaries in place. You will most definitely attract narcissists if they suspect you have weak boundaries and low self-esteem. Recognize your special talents and honor them. Walk away from negative people. Never engage with a narcissistic person... You will only be feeding the troll. Narcs are demons and you must starve them out by Grey Rocking them!! They aim to piss you off so they can feed on it, make you look bad and smear you to others.
Pegasus 514 Great comment, I'm sure you went thru some fire to get those nuggets, I had a blowup with my narc wife, so I went to a councilor who knows about narcissistic behavior, so I set boundaries with narc wife, I told her I am here to talk but if you can't talk to me civily, quietly, and not walk out of conversation, and quit blaming then I won't talk to you period. That made her rage and give silent treatment. A week of silence then she says get out of my house, your not being a husband to me. I hit the road and got divorced asap.
In dealing with my narcissistic brother I decided to skip all the baby steps and went to just totally kicking him out of my life. That was 4 years ago and things keep getting better and better!
My ex would get extremely angry over the smallest things. Then he'd just flee the scene, not text or call for days even a week. Then when I ask why he didn't try to resolve the situation, he says "i wanted to but I don't think I did anything wrong". What a joker.
If they have close friends they would have to be subservient, appeasing and scared to disagree, money and humour is the only tools they have to have any friends.
Just start laughing really hard when they say something stupid. Most people would react with hurt, or walk away, or maybe insult you back. A narcissist will go into a murderous rage.
It's pretty hard to keep a straight face once you know the patterns. "golly gee, that's a yellow bellied sociopath I read about on pg 134!" Kinda like birdwatching. 🙂🤔🤗 But I have scar tissue from literally biting my tongue, or anything else to prevent me from blurting out: "YOU'RE A YELLOW BELLIED SOCIOPATH I READ ABOUT ON PAGE 134!!!!" It never ends well. "Shut up Wanda. For once in your life, let the idiot pass by in peace." Which keeps me from looking like one too.😜
0/10 would not recommend I got choked, hair ripped out & beat up approx. an hour ago due to laughing... lol. Seriously though they HATE it. “Stopppp... LAUGHING!!!!” *punch punch punch* its funny after a while I cant help it
Seriously, when a narc pulls stuff, he knows he deserves a firing squad. Why they run, gaslight you, and try to turn others against you. They also deserve a firing squad. They really know this and they want to goad you into confrontation so they can slap you down hard, again and again. Like a ball and paddle. Hunt them down. Be in it for the long game if you want the pleasure of witnessing their destruction. It will take years, they figure you have forgotten...I know this is bad but, I've never gotten more pleasure than watching them go down in the worst way. I'm old enough that people have died on me. Very few tears have I shed. Are you a douchebag with a bullying past who has "seen better days?" You may count me as one who enjoys your well deserved suffering. The debt you owe your victims will never be paid any other way.
I just listened to Dr. Carter, thank you! I am 70 years old and just realized the relationship was all about him and his bad behavior. I’ve never had to deal with that before and it took me four months to walk away. This is the first time I’ve dated in eight years and I am realizing that dating may have changed but the older men seem to stay the same or get grumpier. I’m working on myself also because I’m such a pleaser which doesn’t always work out. Self love is the key. I’ll be listening to your advice often.
Right behind you sister! Go younger, and let him be the pleaser! When I've date older, or those my age, they have been stuck, boring, controlling, or all of the above! That isn't to say they can't be younger, and still be all of these things, but it's less likely! Know who you are, your value! When you realize how truly precious you are, a man will too. Being a pleaser is not in your best interest, it makes men lazy, complacent. Learn what you want from a man, and life. Set your boundaries with no compromising. When you break your own boundaries, you lower your standards in his eyes. He will lose interest, along with respect even if he still stays around. Stand firm, and he will value you. And most importantly, regardless of the culture these days, keep your panties on! All a man wants to do is make you happy! Let him! Just not 'that' way! God didn't make men to think, the way women do. There is so much that could be shared on this subject to get you on track, (but don't do what you've been doing!) ☺️
@Sincere I had a widowed neighbour, an older lady, who was happily married in her younger years. I guess she was lonely, so she hooked up with an old grump who lives in our building. From what I could tell, he did not treat her respectfully, though she was his "girlfriend," walking yards ahead of her when the were out and about. I marvel she put up with his crabbiness when she didn't have to.
@@faithm9284 you are so right Faith. I am 64 and have decided to go younger and to definitely avoid narcissists. Even at my age, I know there is someone worthwhile out there. I discovered my last relationship was with a covert narc. He was 69 years old. Just ended it 3 months ago and fortunately saw the signs before going too far (2 years).
This was my experience with EVERY person in my life until a few years ago. I had a health crisis, then I was suddenly in conflict with them for not being perfectly together. The claws came out and I was alone. I will never let that happen again.
Take Back Your Link .... it was also the confrontation between the safe & comfortable ones and the troubled one. Most people are marketing victims and cant deal with the imperfections of life
I survived - got out of a 6 year marriage. I am an intelligent self sufficient woman and can’t believe I got sucked in and let him manipulate me for so long. Listening to this and reading books on sociopathic narcissists is like reading about my life with him. So glad to have this knowledge so I don’t succumb again. His defense was also an offense and somehow even his cheating was my fault ! Definitely no reasoning with one! Thank you for sharing this info! I wish I’d have known it sooner.
When it comes to a narc, it has zero to do with you and everything to do with them. Not only do THEY make it about them, but it really is a THEM issue, not a YOU issue. Pray for them and move on. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do. Cut all contact and live your life out.
I like what you said except for "forgive them". What does this even mean? Yes, I know what it means in pop armchair psychology but... Jesus said "if someone trespasses against you confront them, and *IF* they repent, forgive them." So since this cannot be the sort of forgiveness you're referring to, what are you referring to? Thanks
I had a conflict with a super-calm narcissist. He had trained himself with meditation to be quiet and superior. He was still angry, but hid it really well. It was scary. I was crying and he criticized accused me of all kinds of awful things that weren't true... quietly and calmly. It made the whole situation WORSE, because I felt like the narcissist because I reacted to it, while he stayed calm...
That’s impossible. They can’t train themselves to do anything, especially not anything to do with emotions or expressing their emotions. They already think they’re perfect and they’d never do meditation because they’d never be alone with nothing but their thoughts. So what you’re describing is not a narcissist.
@@chrissmith6097 This is an *extremely* silly and childish comment, especially the last sentence; that was quite rude. The clearest debunk for this is that it's all a spectrum; OF COURSE they can train themselves to do things, otherwise they wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING?!? Lol?? Some can, some can't. Some can really well, some not so well. The anger probably blew up in their face BADLY one time so they did what they could to hide it, or maybe they knew that being calm would trigger others more or lead to better control. They do indeed have moments where they have internal turmoil, and their false self falls apart due to any reason like loss of supply or a permanent injury from a bad accident; depending on the narc, of course. It's extremely unlikely for you to have any psychological training especially if making a comment like this. How can you even begin to make a comment like this? Think about how hurtful this probably was to the person who dealt with such a narcissist..!
It boils down to the fact that in a conflict, the person who is the loudest, who makes the most noise, is the one in the wrong, something a narcissist cannot see.
@@alexaonther0x Yes! People don't seem to understand, narcissistic abuse is a very traumatic experience and the abuse can last for YEARS because the dust rarely ever settles from the massive smear campaign the Narcissist can put into motion should you ever try to stand up for yourself or defend yourself out of self respect. Usually the Narc has the upper hand because of their charisma, charm & financial status. Once the Narc smears and drags your name through the mud for many years, it can be hard to ever bounce back, because sadly most people listen to money or will listen to what a rich man has to say in this world. That's one of the reasons why Jesus was crucified (He was a dirt poor carpenter who didn't have any beauty or money = Isaiah 53 written in 700 BC or Psalm 22)......but I've learned over the years the good news about Jesus can be found in Matt 5:17 and John 16:33 as he overcame evil (slander) when he rose from the dead (Psalm 110:1). The worst thing you can do is NOT follow the example of Jesus, chose not to turn the other cheek to narcissistic verbal abuse, try fighting fire with fire out of self respect, lose your cool once you are ostracized for YEARS from the smear campaign. The best thing you can do is give them to God, pray for them and move along in peace the best you can. Some people will finally decide to put all their thoughts in writing in a long winded email to prevent being interrupted by the Narc as a last ditch effort to reason with or give a deeper understanding to the Narcissist (who lacks empathy). There can be good reasons why people end up "making the most noise" in a long winded email ...The Narc will never allow you to speak your peace without constant interruption and leaving you with a feeling of sending them a very long winded email in a last ditch effort for "personal liberty" of making your voice heard without interruption causing you to lose your track of thought. However, narcissists are easily offended, which is why they constantly interrupt you, they have a vindictive spirit and don't fight fair. If they feel rejected or defeated, they will simply stab in the back. They don't fight face to face. They are too spineless. Narcs love to trip up their target whom they perceive to be a threat (basically anyone with self respect who is willing to push back against the narcissistic bully behavior). My advice, keeping your emotions in check and going grey rock is the best way to "push back" against a narc. Chose wisely to follow Jesus (grey rock or turn the other cheek). It's okay to let people think whatever the hell they want to think. They don't define you. Only God defines you. Forgive that person in your heart, extend them grace & mercy ....and go no contact if possible. Trust in God. Trust God is just. Move along in peace in Jesus name.
Dr. Les I can't thank you enough. I no longer fight fire with fire with my narc. I no longer hope she'll change. Thanks to you I'm trying to heal from 28 yrs of narcissistic abuse. It's a slow but sure process. Thanks again.
David, childishness is not the worst. There are childish adults who are pleasant, glad and enjoying life. What is worst is their inhumane side including all the terrible ingredients we already heard about.
My ex-wife is a narcissist who did everything she could to try and turn my family and friends against me. Funny how that automatically identified all the other narcissist I need to cut out in my life.
The first thing this girl did was befriend my best friend, and turned him against me, basically tried to date both of us at the same time as her sources, and obviously we split as friends/had a fall out, in hindsight, it was rather convenient for her cause theres no way to tell if shes still talking to him while dating me if we're not friends anymore.
It’s sad because they force you into isolation. But, that makes room for all the great people out there in the world. It’s really a heart breaking situation
Mhm "I don't understand why you're being so cruel I'm just trying to connect with you." When you hold them accountable for something shitty they do "You aways demonize every tiny mistake I make. I'm only human!"
Mine started with dismissal, then went to shame. If that didn't work then he'd go to anger. If even that didn't work, he'd apologize, but the apologies were always lies. Within a short period of time, he'd take them back and reverse to his original stance.
I respectfully disagree, unless my wife is not 'covert' like I'm as confident as I can be she is. She has more hate and anger in her than anyone should legally be allowed to have. On another note, she will say "I'm not perfect" when asked to name one mistake she's ever made or name one time she was wrong or exercised poor judgment, anything to do with something negative......crickets. It's absolutely amazing. And the re-writing history? UGH! she always waits, 6, 7, 8 months then comes back with an event or scenario and has it so blown out of proportion, so ridiculously slanted in her favor and I am the terrible monster who doesnt deserve to live. Also (i'm on a roll here, lol) She starts every conflict. EVERY one. But when the story gets re-told, it never starts at the beginning. It starts in the middle, like right when she's been at it for a while, pushing my buttons and I finally lose patience. Never any mention of all the bitching and dragging up the same inaccurate old crap i've been beat down 899,838,773 times before. In the span of about as many weeks as i can count on one hand she went from a wife ten times better than any wife i could have built in a lab, to the complete opposite. I had no idea people could be so....so.....fucked up. It's amazing, she's a full blooded Puerto Rican, born and raised in the south bronx, and, to date, I havent been cut once!
I get pure anger from my covert narcissist. Unending anger. Pure hate. I don't get it. Totally irrational. Talk about making mountains out of mole hills.
Maybe I'm wrong but the games a narcissist plays (basically all the time) could not always be easily pointed out, but can always be FELT. At least in my case. In my stomach. 'Something is going on here' - that's what that weird feeling is telling me.
That is a very good description. I always felt that in the company of my narcissistic father that something was inherently wrong. Like a marionette that developed a mind of it's own during the show it feels the strings being pulled but doesn't understand the forces controlling it as it knows nothing else and is yet to see the hand it dangles from.
There’s no way you could’ve known without experiencing it. That’s the secret sauce of the narc. Healthy people don’t act this way. We expect everyone is healthy. By the time you figure it out, you’ve been in a relationship with a narc.
@@astralcat4880 It certainly takes time to figure out the agenda behind the words of a Narcissistic abuser. Even when we aren't actively spending time trying to figure them out, our subconscious mind that originally alerted you about something going on seems to try and figure it out like a computer running a virus check in the background while you go about your work.
I always felt my chest tighten near to the time I’d be around those people. I’m sure I like many Christians attribute that to the Holy Spirit telling us that things just aren’t right. But I think we have as people, an keen ability to reason better than we think. Of course I ignored that for years and thought if I were stronger, and better Christian those things wouldn’t bother me. But they still did. When I finally left - I felt defeated, but as time went on- I saw things in a completely different light. I prayed they would change once I was gone, but what changed was me. I’ll never know what’s come of their life since, but do want to be better listener to myself and others. Maybe then I’ll take those cues much better, and move on in a much healthier way. Good thing for growth. ❤️ Thanks for your insight.
GAS LIGHTING is one of the best ways. How to tell if they are a Narc? When you feel the need to record them so you can show them what they said. That is a dead giveaway. Also, after a few months, when their mask starts to slip or falls off, look in their eyes. You'll see cold, empty darkness. I'm serious, you will see it and it will FREAK you out!
Yeah man, this girl has this weird demonic influence over me. of course it was from sex involved, but there was so much more man... this person had NO light about them, very cold and calculated.
It stinks to be them. Much better to be YOU. Self restraint to not react to them...takes as much for us as we wish that they had! How's that for perspective!? Happy holidays and peace to everyone. Merry bow-wow, Gus! P.S. - Wish for all narcs to have peace in their hearts. They need it the most and it would probably help a LOT if they had it. Edit. - Re-reading my self restraint comment, I realized it sounds snarky. I meant that we have to expect as much out of ourselves as we expect out of them. No snark meant.
If we have peace in our hearts we will have empathy and compassion. The narcissist has image. They use money and manipulation tactics to gain treasures. *Spiritual wealth is true wealth*
Recently, I heard that human Earth life was an 'experiment' (by a bunch of us bored souls??) to see how far away from the light (God/Creator) we could get without forgetting that we're all from light. Mission accomplished! I think we found the boundary line!
3 weeks into not seeing my 3-year girlfriend, she's on the highest, and i mean highest spectrum of narcissism, to the point where she tries to destroy me as much as she can. Sadly at the same time, this girl's act, is and was the most beautiful act, and face, I've ever seen in my life. Not only did I fall head over heels, I became absolutely infatuated with her and she slowly trained me to comply with her because "else it's done". I lived in a constant state of fear. Anyway, 3 weeks into finally having had enough and keeping my distance, I keep wiggling back and forth between knowing I'm making the right decision, to feeling guilty that I'm walking away and giving up on trying to save her. I've given her everything in the past 3 years, with only extremely temporary results of her beautiful act. I became like an addict, trying to hit that jackpot of "affection" as much as i could. Only getting my jackpot about once a week, and then working an entire week towards that 5-second jackpot. I saw what was happened, I understood what was happening, but h*ly shit it took nuclear energy to pull myself away from it. I'm still trying to cope and rewire my brain. I truly believe that if you can understand and finally escape extreme narcissistic abuse, you're pretty much ready for everything and anything else in life. This is evil, in its most beautiful, decorative form. I hope I can stick with this and keep my sanity to a certain degree. 2 weeks after she deleted me (1 week ago now). she sent me one text "are you alive", because I wasn't chasing her. I did not reply. Within 12 hours, everyone, including my sister, and her family, started blowing up my phone --she acted like she was devastated and that i left her, which was the furthest from the truth. So, I finally did reply to her, I asked if she wanted to talk, and that I do love her --and she literally discarded me AGAIN saying that everything I always told her was a lie and that I'm dead to her. So now she's discarded me twice in 3 weeks, and she's the victim. Absolutely un-be-lievable.
What you need to do is FIGHT for yourself and take back your power. Do not engage with her, do not start to feel sorry for her, do NOT think you can "save" her. You can't. I learned this lesson the hard way with my former narc. husband. The only person you can "save" is yourself.
My ex did nothing but create conflict. If there was no problem, she’d create one. No drama? She’d create some. I walked on eggshells for years because I never knew what I could or couldn’t say, who I could or couldn’t look at or talk to, and I didn’t ever know what mood of hers I was going to get. It could change within minutes. Instead of accepting the fact that we thought differently about certain things, she would constantly bring them up and start a fight. The worst part is, I’ve seen her do it to her kids too, especially her son. She picks at people until they explode and then turns it all around on them. So glad she’s gone...
@@babblingidiot7903 look for videos/articles on what personalities attract narcissists and why it happens. It took me several years to heal from several sequential relationships with narcs. Hopefully, never again.
That's just like my mom! My dad used to say "Your mother pulls a knife for nothing"... She did. Out of the blue, she started fighting over bullshit: coathangers, a table at a restaurant, clothing, food... You couldn't shut her up either. And you can't win a fight that is totally irrational. God she is weird.
Dr. C, thank you for teaching us about the world of narcissism, but what you’re really teaching is how to be healthy and better versions of ourselves. Thank you.
With them, your not even allowed to express feelings without them taking it as an absolute personal attack. Can’t say, I really need this from you……..they can explode……and yes …..,I do find myself getting sucked into an argument. This is why I need to end this relationship. Thank you for your videos.
Jealousy. That's also a dead giveaway. They feel very jealous of others so they try hard to make others feel jealous of them as well. The narc in my life used to torture me making promises, then making excuses for not keeping the promise (always "my fault") , and finally doing what he promised with someone else, making sure I knew he was going to do what he promised me with other ppl. Every time I tried to explain why that was hurtful, he would say .... you have jealousy problems!
Oh, so that's why she refuse to do the things with me and then go around to do it with another person? That's why she keeps bringing up other people when I'm trying to talk about our problems. It is two-fold. First, she tries to gaslight me that everyone did shit for her, none had any problems with her using false comparisons, and second, she tries to make me jealous because she would show me that she treats someone else nicer than me. Whoa, the hoovering went longer than I thought.
@@ianthompson3038, I just saw this, please don't do anything to yourself. Talk to someone, God via Jesus most of all, but also, mere human beings. Doctors, clergy, somebody. I'll pray for you.
I went so far as to enroll in a conflict mediation course at the community college near me, just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. Turned out my professor even read my essays and spoke to me privately about how my ex seemed abusive. My ex asked me why I had an A in my class but couldn’t speak to him perfectly: it’s because he’d have an F: narcs expect you to treat them like you’re an angel even when they’re the devil.
Deny, rewrite history, lies, explosive and scary anger, screaming, cussing and slamming doors, hitting the walls...Projection and ZERO accountability. Everything THEY DID was your fault. Absolute madness. Run Away!!
...it sounds like a territorial bigfoot encounter to me....when you have to... run like hell... out of the woods to save yourself... ...stay out of sasquatch territory...
Man. Hearing the truth. Phew. "This won't end well." My whole life I responded by freezing, not acting. I'd like to think that at this point in my life I can say it's healthier not to respond and leave their energy field as quickly as possible, than lower myself to their level and engage in their conflict. Two wounded warriors: one searching for peace, the other battle. Everyday can be a war zone, and there are no victors.
Once again, spot on! Today I just realized another ongoing trait: Narc does something “nice” for me, then proceeds to make the rest of the day all about themselves, even though it was spun as something nice for me. HA!
Like so many of your other viewers, Dr. Carter, I wish I had long ago understood the behaviors of a narcissist. These signs were there for me very early on, but I simply had no idea that a relationship could deteriorate into something so beyond my comprehension. I am so grateful that I discovered your videos this past spring. They are enlightening and empowering. Thank you for educating us and being the calm voice of reason.
You're a pretty immature and soulless creature yourself to talk about others like that. Especially people with a deep engrained personality disorder that they didn't choose to suffer from.
@@JLUX100 a narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. So therefore they are CHOOSING to hurt people the way they do. Unless you've dealt with one on a personal level you have no idea.
@@michelegray5970although that is true you have to remember they didn't choose to be a narcissist and have those types of behaviours and make those choices. Also may I point out that most people with personality disorders are non violent nor abusive and usually don't ever go that way. Some do but most don't. I think I have dealt with one or two narcissistic people in my life and possibly one sociopath before but they were never diagnosed so it's hard to confirm. Regardless they are not creatures they're still human beings. I just think the way you worded your original post was lacking compassion
When you first meet them and they seem to read your mind and say exactly what you want to hear, that's a red flag. Btw, if only they had a sign on them 😅
A couple of times I offered to allow them to write me a script of responses that they think I should say.... I laugh at the types of responses I did get.
Dear Dr. Les, (calmly) May I just say that.........(screaming) I LUH (love) YOUUuuu!!!! You have been a significant part of my healing journey . The insight, the information, the wisdom, the SKILLS that you share have empowered me and is literally changing my life for the better. Ahhhhh, You are simply a BLESSING-AND-A-HALF/HALF.COM 🤗 THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😀You're Welcome! "Let me show you what healthy looks like" is now the #1 burning goal/agenda imprinted in my mind, heart, and soul.👐🏾 #HEALTHY ❤
When I became a teenager I started developing my own interests like playing sport after school. The narc immediately put an end to it by isolating me at home and taking up music which he was already involved in. I have been damaged so far beyond repair Dr C. I gave up long ago even before I started to live. Dr Carter all this stuff you mention not only happened to my mum in her young age, but then also to me and my siblings up to current. We are well into adulthood. What we realised is that the narc stunted our natural growth and development.
My heart goes out to all the children, past and present, who have been trapped in their homes with one of these monsters.
Thank you 😟❤
They are not monsters. They are people who have had an upbringing by other narcissists and have become them.
Yeah they are monsters with the way they act cus they Choose to be this way and they have a choice and this is how they have chosen to be 14 years surviving someone with this personality trait an style and 7 with children and it’s getting to the point that I will not live with him anymore and I’m glad he’s away at work and I’m having to learn to cope. That’s what the saying means you have to learn to fight monsters without becoming one because they have chose a sad existence to live they don’t want to live life they don’t live life they are empty inside and it doesn’t matter how much I love him it doesn’t matter how much I care I get emotionally starved by my man I get avoided an neglected I get no communication and I get silent treatment and that’s all I’ve really ever gotten so yeah they are not sick they’re evil that’s why they get called monsters because they will not change And I had two covert neglect parents as well and he had two more just neglect except I must’ve survived he had it worse than me I don’t know if he’s a covert narcissist or somebody with a lot of NPD and maybe there’s hope for him if he’ll see a therapist we are only 32 and 33 and after 14 years I can’t live with him anymore and he’s made my son my oldest son so defiant it’s rubbing off on him because NPD is like secondhand smoke you get sick if you’re around it pure misery it’s a nightmare to live in Dr. Ramani summed that up for me and this man is amazing I love his stuff. You are great! Thank you so much for your help and videos!
@@maxjasmine Their behavior is monstrous, REGARDLESS of what kind of background they grew up in. I have/had at least 12 in my family alone and as you might guess I married, not one, but two!
So thankful for the information to identify and avoid them now.
@@maxjasmine not true.
It helps to remember that when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re dealing with a child between the ages of 2 and 9 who has no ability to mature or grow emotionally. Speak accordingly.
The team of memes..the issue is.t just immaturity. It.s manipulation and cruelty.
The team of memes..there's also another insight I have..the degree if cruelty and manipulation a narcissist dies us not something a child would be capable of. I don.t think their mindset should be compared to a child. They certainly knew how to act maturely, honestly, appropriately from an emotional perspective before the mask flew off. I believe humanity needs to come to terms with EVIL to And the exercising if freewill. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to gaslight,defraud,scheme,triangulate. They know right from wrong. Therefore they ate responsible for their actions. The depth of their depravity classifies their character as evil. Unless one is a mindcontrolled cia psyop, at some point humans chose what road they will take.
May God protect us from this treacherous evil
9 seems a pretty flattering age to ascribe to them!
True
@@miraclesforus2 You are 100% right. Their evil and manipulation knows no bounds.
Narcissists overreact to the simplest disagreement. It leaves the other person confused by the sudden outburst of anger and their feelings of betrayal and being deeply hurt over a seemingly trivial issue.
My parents
Your comment So perfectly describes life with narcissists! Thank you for sharing. It really helps to know that I am not alone.
A guy online got upset with me because after he paid me a compliment (which i appreciated), i responded with a thank-you GIF instead of a note. How petty is that! Like I'm supposed to bow down in reverence?!? With most of us, compliments do NOT come with a price tag!
My daughter..there was an incident a few weeks ago. It just blew me away. I walked away thinking that it was something I said..it wasn't. Such sadness in my heart.
What is trivial to you, may not be trivial to another person. Who are you to say how someone should react to anything? What makes you so sure that your judgement is superior to others, or that everyone should act the way you say they should.
When you have a disagreement with them, they always go for character assassination.
Yes, a favorite tactic of theirs. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism your professional approach is completely wrong. Truly, your stupid, ignorant, patronising videos would give the viewer the impression that narcissistic disorder is a choice. Furthermore, I think that you have narcissistic personality disorder yourself, and you ‘hide in plain sight’ by focusing attention away from the inner workings of your own mind and onto the narcissistic behaviour of others.
@@theoduval1408 Nah, you're wrong.
@@susanritchie4921 Yah, I’m right.
@@theoduval1408 I think your slip(or unders) is showing!
Two things you will never get from a narcissist-a compliment or an apology.
Totally agree!
NOT A HONEST HEART FELT ONE BUT A TONE OF AIR OF CONDESCENDING OF Air OF minimise it u can hear it in there voice there tone GIVES ME CHILLS WHEN U NOTICE THERE TRAITS FAF FAKE AS FUCK
So true.
@@robbiewooden5067 True, robbie, even Narc-Pastors are that way, unfortunately.
That is 100% true
Another huge sign to look for is, they can go on and on about an issue they are having looking for you to listen, support and comfort them. If you try to tell them about any situation you have going on, they completely ignore you. Zero empathy or support. It’s like talking to a wall. If you every have a problem, you’re on your own!!!
The ONLY thing I could ever count on my kids dad to do consistently was to NOT be there when I needed him to be.
True
I delt with my narcs bs for years. A major issue for me that really helped me see that I needed to end the toxic friendships was what you just said. We would talk about his stuff for literally 5 hours some days. As soon as it was about me he would be busy within 5 minutes. Next day, talk about his stuff all throughout when he was supposed to be working. Talk about my stuff, busy within 5 minutes. Text him about his stuff, all of a sudden he could text at work and talk for hours again. It happened every time to where it couldn't be a coincidence and the pattern was obvious. I realized I was just his sounding board.
This is exactly how my recent x was! Everything going on in her life was so much more important than ANYTHING I’m going through. Whenever I said something , it would be ignored exactly as you say.
BINGO! 👍
A narcissist will fabricate a conflict.
Yep, to try to gain control and shift "blame".
@@angies3196 Almost every boss I've dealt with. NEVER any problems with my work or work habits(I am self-motivated, self-supervising). They pick a fight because they cannot admit that they ran out of work, or want to renege on verbal agreements, or implied agreements.
They are deceivers and they don't want to face that. They *must* win--- because losing means they are *losers* ---- which is something they cannot respect.
They fabricate the entire world they live in. At some pt you realize they're having a relationship with some flat cartoon figure in their head & superimposing it onto you...it doesnt matter what you do or say or if you even still communicate with them; they're still blaming, craving or attacking you in their head, according to what mood they're in or any need to rationalize their loneliness or business mistakes. The cartoon of "you" is the perfect trashcan for whatever they don't want to digest.
They love conflict and feel energized with conflict! 😕
Liza Field, Your comment helped me put this idea together: They're mean to you out of nowhere. Might have to do with the mood they're in. So it's something brewing inside of them and it just comes out on you. Just like Dr. C said, they have this ongoing agitation just underneath the surface that could explode onto you. That, plus being a control freak. Also, because they're in a superiority complex delusion, they might mistake something you said as a challenge to them.
There’s an expression that says, “never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.” In conflict situations with a narcissist, you’re just entering a bad faith argument. They have no desire to see eye to eye. They want you to get angry and lose control of your emotions. That way, they can find a reason to shift the blame to you.
Played that game and took the bait one too many times. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
OMG! That’s exactly what I go through with my narc elderly mother! Yesterday, I asked her why she was trying to argue with every sentence I said. Of course, she wanted me to melt down so she could say “See ? You always get upset !” Thank you, Melinda!!!!
wow, spot on, so well said, that was exactly what happend, and i woke up this morning thinking of the bible verses, do not give your pearls to the swine, and does a pig return to its own vomit... this girl would do that nonstop, do things to offend me, provoke my anger, and i'd write something to her, then she'd play victim and it would give her an out for her behavior... now im faving assault DV charge and disorderly conduct for how bad this woman messed with me. all's i did was throw water on her to get her away from my car after she was caught in multiple lies, and i asked her a dozen times to just get out and get away from my car. its like she set me up in the end, i truly feel she provoked me, she even GAVE me the bottle of water earlier in the night... so strange.
My elderly Narc Mom is in assisted living. It’s beautiful and expensive. She constantly complains about the place, people, food, etc. acts like she is sick regularly and talks about how nervous she is there. When I’m not there, she is totally fine. I’ve asked the staff. She never complains, has friends snd participated in activities!!! It’s all a rouse to make me feel bad she is there and be in a state of constant anxiety and worry. I only see her once a week now snd I’m in counseling. She is very toxic!!
@ Melinda me too 😵💫
Me too...only realised when my mum was very poorly and my brother "don't come over" then "I am a vile creature everyone detests me" then silent treatment and blame after I tried to protect my mum.
No contact since...10 months of real eye opening. Have had some bereavement counselling.
Take care it was a difficult time of pain and woe.
I am getting better...we all must carry on with DRC.
A Narcissist is just impossible to deal with, especially in a conflict situation. It’s like talking to a brick wall. They would rather drop dead on the floor then admit they are wrong.
MrZdvy ...... I’m afraid so....
Tell me about it.
They see any conflict as a reason to attack, not resolve or solve.
John Harrigan resolution is not in their lexicon
MrZdvy
Bingo!!
A narcissist will always be the victim or the hero, never the villain. Learnt from personal experience
Or the Martyr !
That's a perfect summary of how they are.
So the guy who says, "Yes I'm a jerk, deal with it" would not be a narcissist?
@@dodieodie498 that is a proud narc... they defy you to call them out, then boldly admit to it... these are the ones you AVOID at all costs.
@@sharonkingston9450 the victim
Don’t ever wait for an apology from a narcissist, because remember everything is your fault… amd YOU are always wrong! 🙄😳😜
Yuuuup...
The narc's grandaughter might have lived with all 3 of you, and you witnessed said granddaughter take a *HOT* 1/2 hour shower every single day whether it was needed or not and then basically do everything they could to clog the kitchen sink, but YOU will get blamed for it.
I found out that not only denying that I was the culprit of the high water bill (from showers) AND the clogged sink, the worse thing to do is tell the truth of who actually did it. No matter what, YOU will be blamed, for the next decade plus, even when you only shower once every month or two months AND go out of your way to clean out the sink traps every single time you come in contact with the sink. You will still ALWAYS be at fault until you magically turn to dust as if you've never existed in the first place.
Narcissist don't know how to apologize. They are very
@@thesouljournerstarot6678 ...jealous of giving away their power.
@@return2basics242 Exactly.
I have been out gaming my narc, thanks to these and other beyond helpful videos, my narc husband finally apologized and reached out to me for the first time in our 8 years!! I have to constantly be on guard, but it is so simple just to smile and one up him. He literally is faced with and forced to respond by looking at himself!! It's amazing. Unfortunately it's too late for my parents, but I am getting more wins!!! Take care and try, and I say this only for situations with your narssacist is dangerous to you or your family, but do use the advice in how to return the serve!! It is freeing!!! If you are in a more dangerous situation, find a way out, because none of this will work. Stay safe my friends! 😉🤗😷❤❤
One thing I've noticed about narcissists is how envious they are of others.
@Lisa King. , they are scared. Everything scares them.
They don’t know it, usually. The difference is, when their fears are triggered, they “come out swinging”…attacking with ugly words, lying, manipulating, etc.
Envious doesn’t begin to cover it. It’s all basic fears. They fear for survival at every level.
@@1Chimonger They lack any real foundation, that's why. Their lives seem to be built on shifting sands. And it's a sad thing. Be grateful for the foundations you have in your life. And be very grateful you have a healthy mind.
@@lisaking4386 It can be tragic, watching someone spin out of control like can happen. Holding onto shreds of sanity can be very hard; they try, but, most cannot seem to control the spin-outs.
But some do manage some improvement. It’s just, those around them, being repeatedly hit by the shrapnel, cannot keep allowing themselves to get hit…those must retreat, to “love from a safe distance”.
@@1Chimonger You're right. There's only so much a person can take. You can't live your life amongst chaos.
'how envious they are of others' > Is that why they had to 'keep up with the Joneses'? Remember the 1950's? When our parents' generation felt they needed to 'keep up with the Joneses'? There were a lot of N parents in that group.
This should be in a life skills class for teenagers. So many adults waste years trying to understand the problem.
If I had to take a psychology course in high school that included in the curriculum some information about personality disorders I wouldn't be here 20 years later with my life in ruin. It took me several years of studying on my own to begin to realize the situation I was in and by then it was far too late.
decades .
I'm literally sick !...I feel nauseous to FINALLY accept I know its true..all my wasted years married to one.
Agreed! Along with politics, psychology, economics, and much much more!!
@@sahamal_savu Do you have children?
If you feel the need to walk on eggshells around someone. Ask yourself why.
Yeah. Sad self-censorship. The silent "whatever", but without the standing up for yourself part.
You're right about that.
I think you just identified a defining characteristic - it's a real acid test of the kind of personality you're dealing with, and should be a major red flag. Having to try to avoid provoking a tantrum should always ring alarm bells.
@@simonholmes275 Yup. And still having the blow-up happen from way, way "left field," maybe even over something trivial. Ugh.
Yes, that's how I have felt many times before. No more of that.
The covert is smart, has different patterns, depends on the conflict, they twist all around and push you, until you start to get angry so they can point you are the one whose crazy
Oh I see you’ve met my son. Take care.
@@emailjosie39 I find myself questioning whether I am the narcissist cos he accuses me of all the things I think he does. My head feels like it will explode. Advice of how a healthy person does it a good refocus.
You've obviously met my mother
The narcissist is never really smart, hence why they cannot see their bad behavior, lack of self consciousness is not smart.
Julia Jules AGREE!!!!!!!!!
If you hate something, tell the narcissist how much you love it and they'll get rid of it.
🤣😅🤣🤣😂
Exactly. It'll get broken next time he rages, or accidentally disappear
I’ve done this - it works
Brer Rabbi and Brer Fox with the tar baby...
Brilliant 👍😊
THE ONE TRAIT I SAW IN NARCISSIST IS 'JEALOUSY' EXTREME JEALOUSY .
I was at a dinner with a beautiful women and some narc could not allow me to just avoid my meal in peace. Anything can trigger the losers.
YES! That is their modus operandi!!!
True, but they will call you jealous!! And if you are not a jealous person, they will bring a thir person on the game. Either cheat or talk about this person constantly and THEN call you jealous and at the same time put you down. It's torture.
@@joey3rony i hope u got rid of the bitch, homie
💯👏
They do not care about the feelings of others the more they hurt you the better they feel.They will loose their whole family for their own selfish needs.
Elizabeth Bingham, Hope you are not with a narcissist 😈!
It's sickening!
My husband just did - lost his entire family and doesn’t seem all that upset about it!
why are the needs of s Narcissist selfish, and your needs are not selfish??
@@kesselrunheroj8497 much like, in a ‘do as thou wilt’ society, what’s evil to one person, is good to another. I guess it just depends upon which side you are on?
I find the quickest way for me is to tell them, "No." Then watch how they react. It's pretty amazing how quickly they snap. 🙂
When they snap, they start making threats, such as taking away something they think you want, even though you may not even want it. Example. My 86 yr old dad is in a nursing home. He wont take his therapy so medicare dropped him. I, his 63 yr old daughter, is his POA. Not by my choice however. Dad has dementia. Im paying the nursing home out of his bank account. He wants me to bring him 500.00 to the nursing home. I refuse. He begins to threaten that he will take me off of his bank account if I dont stop trying to control his money. How twisted is that. I walk out of the room, and I dont go back.
So true. After I left I told mine I would only communicate by text. He still would call every day even tho I said a million times I didn’t want to actually speak. Then when he would text and ask if I could talk and I told him no (for the millionth time as I said before I would only text) he would snap.
@@sharoncrawford3042 😍
@@sharoncrawford3042 l
@@kristinnoguera8632 We wouldn't expect a grown man to throw a tantrum, but they do.
Yep! My ex wants back with me, after strangling me, spending nearly a year in jail, and now he’s homeless. He only wants the comfort I can give and to have someone to manipulate. Screw that. I’m so much better off alone
You are so precious! ♥️
It's not good that he still knows how to reach you, or find you. You need to move if he knows where you live. He only wants to come back to 'Make You Pay' for that year in jail! The internet makes it very easy to locate people. If you can feed it false information on your location, do so! Seriously, protect yourself! Contact an organization that helps battered women, so you can learn their ways of hiding, and protecting yourself. Take a course on self protection! Some are free. 💌
@@faithm9284 Your new address shows only when you move and change voting location. I haven't changed my address for voting in years and it still shows I live at an address I moved from years ago. I've had several different addresses on my drivers license but none of those show up when I try and track myself. As for paying one of those internet sites, the ones that find your email etc., I have no clue what they use. They need to be taken down for safety reasons!!! HUGS
I have a question for you,....
By any chance, when he wants to use you because he cannot survive on his own as well without you, does he still after all that, continue to decieve you with cheating and lying about it to you which causes conflicts when you try to set boundaries for what you will and will not accept?
Honestly after what I just went through, I keep myself focused on the reality that he is sick and it is not his fault he is sick and behaves like this, his enablers know damn well what they are doing too in encouraging obviously unhealthy conduct and there is something wrong with them too, but it is not my job to fix him all I can do is pray for him and move on and completely cut him and the circus that surrounds him, out of my life.
I wish you all the very best in removing this scourge from your life. Stand strong and maintain NO CONTACT at all because they are masters at sucking you back in because you are caring and kind, traits and virtues they are not capable of. That is why I keep telling myself whenever I feel weak, he is sick and that is not his fault, but I cannot save him, or fix him and it is not my responsibility to do so. The best I can do is wish him well, pray for his well being and move on by completely removing him from my life, knowing I am not hurting him by doing so, I am saving me and that is the ONLY thing I can do successfully in this situation because he is sick and it is not his fault, and not my fault either.
I will keep you in my prayers.
@@karenorlowski6433 They never change, they only get smarter about hiding things. They will even go to church with you to fool you into believing they have changed. RUN and do NOT look back!!!
@@karenorlowski6433 Yes! He is sick, AND doing it On Purpose, ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! They make you a pet! Your there for their wants, needs, but it's never anything close to real love. It's a game they play to build themselves up as they break you down. Covert or Overt doesn't matter, the results, their plan, it's the same; and who the players are, doesn't matter to them at all! They will replace you soon enough, so don't let your emotions rule here! This is mental warfare, and you're being hunted for the worst kind of mental death. It's as basic and emotionally void for a guy, as a friend w/benefits with adding an abusive evil agenda against you. Being married to one only means they have steady supply, your still a pet! They can be charming, affectionate, generous, but it's all with an agenda! They have their game down, and don't believe you can 'beat them at their own game' trying to keep your head above water, reality intact. Don't believe this is love! Remind yourself, if their mouth is moving they're lying, flirting in front of you guarantees cheating, you are only a prop to them, pet! Please realize,.. accept the knowledge, their emotional games ARE Done On Purpose, and you need to get out of the way of the Max truck! If you are 'there' you will always be in 'its' sights until it destroys you! This is not a competition to see who's 'stronger', and if you feel any of that, run, because that Will Be a challenge to them. Distroying Strong, Kind, Compassionate woman is fun for them. Find out what a healthy relationship consist of, it doesn't just happen! You need to be the healthiest 'component' in the dynamics before you will know who is a good mate. Ask God to give you healthy boundaries, He'll do it for you! Give yourself time learn, and to understand why you attract them! Take the quiz on 'How We Love .Com' it's free and you don't need to give your email to access it. They do offer great added info if you want it. It will tell you what your attachment style is, and what you need to address. I snapshot my results so I can take it again to see how I'm healing. Ask God to make you the woman, (man) He created you to be, He makes it easy breezy! Much love to you, and God bless! 💌
There is no reasoning with a narcissist, no rationale with a narcissist, you will not win if you stay with a narcissist! Run as fast as you possibly can run run run.
only if the narc is smart enough else you just se a weak minded person doing weak minded things they are actualy children in grown ups bodies.
You cannot run from a parent!!
@@ntailex4277 Once you are an adult you can. I'm very reluctant to give my father any time anymore.
Sadly, I'm my narcissistic mother's caregiver. There is no one but me. My older brother has passed and my older sister is also narcissistic but complicated by many other mental disabilities as well (I'm also her caregiver). Theres no escape for me.
I agree and it’s difficult when the narcissists are you stepdaughters 😩
May The Tears You Cried In 2019 Water The Seeds You're Planting For 2020 ~
Well stated. Dr. C
Brenda Stein....Amen 😀👏👏👏💐
Beautifully said, thank you, May 2020 be a bright and happy path for you and yours..much love and appreciation 💙🌸💙
Thank You 😊.
Right back to You 😊
Amen
A conflict with a narcissist is being completely blindsided. It often comes from out of nowhere and you never, ever see it coming.
Which is why being around narcs. are so tricky. It's also exhausting.
Until it happens so many times... you actually expect it. It usually happens after a series of positive interactions. And then WHAM!
I can relate to that. Family meetings where everyone else knows but me and i am supposed to just decide on things that instant. First time, ok.... but then i explained i would appreciate collaborative input before everyone(the children)else knows or has decided as to not everyone gets their hopes up and in turn guilt me further into submission when I either can't do a said thing or do not want to do something.
You know it will come, but not always when.
@@greeneyedparadox6609 Usually there are red flags. Rarely do issues just surface from nowhere. But please remember that guilting is common with certain types of family members. If they don't come out and tell you something, there will be a pretty extensive display of passive-aggressive behavior. It is up to you to notice. It is one thing to care, but it is another for someone to take full advantage of your kindness. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself.
They pretend like they been waiting for you their whole life, just in the few weeks knowing them.
Identify and avoid a narcissist is so good for your mental and physical well being.
@Jay Arre true. In my family only several of us are healthy.
I enjoy telling that narcissist "I don't care" because I don't. I'm way past all of that.
Oh yeah .makes me smile big when remembering saying that to one
@@Lamster66 lol
@@scottshamp9300 Tell a narc you don't care while giving their slight psychopathic smile back to them, priceless.
,,..im waiting to get away from a so called friend whos a big pain in the backside..a controll freak manic..lots of anger..no compassion..no empathy..i cant wait to move out...
Lack of empathy is a sign of narcissism.
They love to see people suffer, get hurt and are generally have no compassion unless it makes them look good or there is something in it for them
My husband cleans up something and he talks about it all day. I do 50 things a day and not a word. If I don't praise him, I'm heartless. God, drives me nuts.
This isn't universally true. Not every narcissist is psychopathic. There is good in me..im just an empty person with no empathy and need for superiority and vain as fuck. I indeed will snap if confronted but if some guy was dragging a little girl off or something id risk my life to save her. I'm actually disgusted by bullies and psychopaths and wish i could feel the warm emotions that typical humans get. I'm lonely, depressed, and have attempted suicide twice. My desire to pass increases as years add up and i can't look as good as i used to. At 36 the future is bleak because id rather die than be old and ugly.
@@prettyricky9676 You should know that vanity gets you nowhere. Don’t you see that by now. How shallow and sad for you.
@@lifeisgood7740 perhaps you are right. C'est la vie as it were. I can't see myself any other way. Maintaining my physique and performance going into my 40s is taking unnatural measures at this time but im ok with the possible consequences. I might not live quite as long as my peers but I'll die beautiful. I have a love for beauty and indulgence but i truly wish no harm on anyone. Unless they go out of their way to get into mine 😏
When I started giving my opinion, he said lately we been arguing a lot
Yeh, because they see your different opinion as an attack on theirs, which in their 'reality' is always right, so yours must be wrong. And if you stick to your opinion, that's it, bang! The fight is on. I just state I'm not interested in fighting, only in real conversation/discussion. And calmly walk away.
Aw, god! Been there! 😆
Yep or "we've been spending too much time together". BS way of turning the situation into a blame game
🤣🤣🤦🏾♀️
Get out!❤️
And if it is one's mother, it is terrifying.
I hear ya sister....... mine is close to dying and I dont really care, sounds horrible but its the truth, I had to listen to this to remind myself what she has done all my life!
Yep and no matter what a person loves their own mother. After affects are real.
Cassandra agreed!! Mine is my step mother and It’s tough to deal with. Wish I new how😞
25 years of therapy after my narcissistic mother died helped me !
Cassandra - Mine is my adult Daughter, and it's becoming Impossible to even tolerate short visits from her, she seems calm and nice, but then just explodes into a rage over absolutely Nothing , and won't let me speak at all, if I start to say something, she just shouts over my voice, so I've stopped trying.
I'm pretty sure she wasn't like this as a child, so I'm confused about why she's like it now.
After being put "in my place" by a narcissist, I shut down, go silent and feel confused. I end up giving the silent treatment to them because any defense of my own thoughts is just another offense to them and they lash out. Then...they say I'm unwilling to resolve our problems. Being quiet seems like the only way.
Gray rock is the best method......uh huh...yes, no, oh really?...sounds good,...short and sweet answers do not lend to conflict...
That's important, putting you (and me) in your place. As long as I knew my place I could
depend on this close friend to reassure me, but if I significantly stepped out of line...yikes.
I learned this as a child and it was to protect myself from the abusers. The less I talked or participated, the less I could be criticized and punished for doing so. I then got labeled a " shy", "introverted" etc. Total bs.
We have to be quiet to protect ourselves.
This is exactly what I did.
One thing I’ve learned is they always wanna move WAY TOO quick in a relationship. Normal people want to take it slow and get to know one another. The narc is ready to move in and have your baby within a month of the relationship!! JUST CRAZY!!
My ex bf was like this! He will say I love you and want you to move in within a month. ALL of his exes have lived...with HIM. Not the other way around. We dated in high school and I thought he may have changed in 18 years but I also didn’t realize he was a narcissist until this second try. He needs and likes control and when that didn’t work with me, it caused problems. He knew how I was, he knew my beliefs about living together and other subjects. He thought he could get me to change my mind (because you know? Why wouldn’t I? He’s wonderful. 🙄) and when he couldn’t, things got worse. No respect for boundaries, always trying to force me to do things, silent treatment, (quick) anger, emotional blowups, always my fault, tried isolation...all of the textbook crap. This guy is literally talking about him. Lol! I wanted to build a foundation, something lasting but he rushes everything. I’m so happy I left...I was miserable.
Lunatics is what they are.
So fucking true... My ex started dating before the break up... I still haven't moved on fully and she is engaged 😂
@@rameshsharma4422 sounds about right. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you learned a lot, and walked away smarter.
@@tranquility9325 Thank you so much.... smarter? I could write a book on it now... On a serious note it was the greatest gift of my life... Not every gift comes wrapped in happiness... This one clearly didn't.... But was the greatest thing happened to me
Here ya go....
Healthy people say "oops, I dropped it"
Narcissist say "hm. It fell"
So true! It is funny bc mine would ridicule me for my driving and say ‘you better never get a ticket!’ But when he got two, the first was bc he was a man (lady cop) and the second was bc he was white (black cop). And when he rear ended someone, it was bc the sun light blinded him, caused him to sneeze and rear end person. And when he knocked something off the counter, the shoes that I bought him caused him to slip and his hand to jolt violently. Those are the things that you can roll your eyes at. Other things that they do...not so much.
Shelby simply put but genius
Or narcissist says ; “look what you made me do!”
😂😂😂😂
@@lacrossslounge5403 right?
In my experience, a Narcissistic person can go round and round about nothing in particular, disagreeing just to disagree. Their listening skills are severely lacking, especially when you try to confront a hurtful behavior. Name calling, threats, and using every traumatic experience against their victims as a weapon is the style of one Narcissistic person I know. They try to explain that if you weren't such a messed up person emotionally, things could have been a lot different. Changing the subject when you try to tell them something they don't care to hear, bringing up a chore, errand, car repair, or something of that nature gets shifted to the topic, instead of dealing with their destructive behaviors. I felt more like I had adopted a bad kid, instead of a relationship with a partner or fiance. I wasted 8 years with him. When he got served, he moved in with another woman immediately. I feel sorry for her. I am focused on the kids, and enjoying some hobbies, bought myself flowers, took up gardening, etc and I am happy to be single.
I experienced the very same thing.
Always trying to outwit or outsmart you so you question your ability to think and make decisions. You question your common sense and feel defensive for nothing. Recently we were in Home Depot and I showed him the controller I had for our sprinkler system. It was a battery operated timer and it worked for several years. He cut through the power lines to out main controller but left me to fix it. It suddenly stopped working but the read out worked and I could manually operate it. He gaslit me in the store asking if the batteries are dead, did I use the right kind of batteries, there are better batteries that I should have used, his voice was loud and extremely condescending and there were many men around us. He won, even thought I loudly said I am not an idiot. I can tell if a battery is dead! UGH...He wanted me to question my ability to reason, and think. He wanted me to feel small and stupid and he feel macho and superior.
Good on you , be strong and authentic ... take care of yourself and thrive ja ja
#1 way to identify a narc...when meeting them, they lay out a portfolio of their lives in 10 mins. They mirror all your likes and dislikes. They speak of themselves in some grandiose way, either in accomplishments or misery. And they cannot ever genuinely apologize for ANYTHING.
Just ask narcomaniac "are you addict?", and he'll ask you money.
They study you and figure out how to manipulate you. I am just part of his collection of stuff. He is a collector that is borderline hoarding. It is organized like a museum, labeled, on display stands, has to have all of it and the best. I am a minimalist and don’t collect anything. I do’t see the point. I am just part of the collection.
@@colleengarcia7752 all the things they found good in you become things to despise later. Things to pick apart. It's as tho they see the good in you, see the lack of good I themselves, then use them against you. It's a no win situation.
Yeah, I was going to say one trait that the person may be a narcissist is that they will go on about themselves and their accomplishments. The guys may have long sideburns or long mustaches too. Watch out for them.
They create the conflict out of thin air. There never needed to be any conflict at all to begin with. I love a comment I read here, "they rewrite history to make themselves the victim and you the bad guy". Great take on this whoever you are!
Not just rewrite history man. It's worse, they believe their false revisedvhistory AND tell it to everyone else around you. The sad part is a lot of people believe them and you turn out to be the bad guy even though you have been the victim.
My narcissist ex-friend said "And I don't want to hear complaints, only solutions" when we were working in the same room, and no one had said a word for 10 minutes. She also criticized me for 'using 2 keystrokes instead of 1' because using 1 extra keystroke 'wasted time'. They always find something to criticize.
Ray Whittington to feed their supply 😳
It doesn’t exactly help that most of media and pretty much all of politics is like you just describe. Saw the presidential debate yesterday and it was all about not listening more than 3 seconds, then accusing and trying to rewrite history. Most of it was gas lightning. And yes I think Trump was worse from this point of view, even though I don’t pick a side in these things.
@@YtubeUserr Sounds like Republicans up against a wall.
When you live with a narscissist your at resident evil. It is the definition of hell.
Hell on earth. And the older they are, the worse and more frequent the pattern cycles they send you through happen. From love-bombing to discard within a few days, then over again. I’m losing my mind. No normal family life. No love, I don’t know what love is. No good communication, just you listening to their stories, with full attention. You talk, they turn back and leave or multitask. I worry about what damage living with him for 50 years has done to me. I have tremors, upset stomach, never truly happy. No joy. He’s a joy killer. He’s created a completely dysfunctional home and family, but his abnormal behavior is just for me and our poor two sons with autism who hear and see conflict. During 8 month separation, I never was once upset. He upsets me every day. It’s so late in life now to divorce him, but he’s gotten so bad for my health, I’ve got to do something.
@@suemeadows7639 it’s never too late to seek happiness.
😂😂😂😂funny yet NOT funny
@@suemeadows7639 I feel like you do. 19 years in. I don't want to lose "my house:
@@suemeadows7639 please leave.... it’s never too late
You may not need to reach a point of conflict. Politely disagree with someone on several topics in one conversation. You’ll know very quickly if you’re dealing with a narc!
Yup. Just tell em 'no' and watch if they blow up or retaliate... it's easy to detect.
@@GrandmaBones666 yep, starting with you....
@@tessw9744 And they'll give you the most hateful glares too...
sDusky Butterflyk yep
Madeleine you're so right. They'll go home and stew over the conversation for hours and then send you a looong email accusing you of hating them, and of purposely trying to pick a fight through disagreement, blah blah blah....
Avoiding the subject and skipping the conversation is a big one
Yes.. Never responds to the questions asked and picks up a whole new topic to talk about
Or sitting there silently like all of a sudden they can't comprehend English.
Please don't actually tell them "watch how a healthy person handles conflict" cause you know they'll make you look crazy. Just keep that mantra to yourselves and end the conversation. Walk away. Remind yourself that they're crazy.
I'm with you. Dr. C
Best advice. I actually was considering sharing this with my wife. I'm glad I didn't. Thank you for your Sage advice.
Bingo! It may seem & feel cold and calloused, but After you’ve seen and read some narc intervention horror stories, you’ll thank yourself.
There is none so blind as he who WILL not see😎🙏🏻
Whew, these people are literally rocket science.
They can take the most innocent things and turn them ugly.
Just don't make sense.
I like when Dr. C said to be cautious when there are good exchanges between you and the narcissist, because it’s a mirage. This is what gets me every time with these individuals because I want to believe this is the person they are. It’s so sad that they don’t see a problem with their behavior.
That's when they are collecting ammo to use later, even good stuff.
Hehe.
From experience, I've learnt that the true form of whom a narcissist is comes out when;
They are soo envious and threatened by another individual basically appreciating and validating you in public that they decide to instigate an opinion contest with that person. Obviously they are going to be oppositional to them in an effort to maintain the narrative that you are worthless and of no value.
But then the said person and the public do not have any relationship with the Narc that necessitates loyalty to them. And so these other people plainly and unflinchingly point out the flaws in the narcissists reasoning and there is a general consensus that what they are trying to advance is wrong.
And because of the Narcs need to remain hidden and keep this fake persona in public, they have nothing to do but concede or at least not expose their irrationality in public.
From that moment, they lose control of the carefully curated persona as well as the similarly curated extremely unreasonable narcissistic persona as it will be identified and pointed out. They become the true deeply insecure and self loathing individual that hides behind the fakes.
They have this defeated hang of the flesh over their bones.
They will probably slouch,
The fake beauty on their face that I honestly believe is a practiced intentional holding of the face muscles is out the wind. Thus they become this ugly person who seems to be 20 years older.
They plod around with a certain splattering of footsteps and flailing of limbs,
They suddenly loose any regulation of holding the body in any decent stance and give this appearance of a person ready to let their whole body and being be abused and used as trash,
They will most probably suddenly vomit out some word salad in a fashion that reminds one of a child's tantrum or something like a rabbied animal thrashing incoherently.
The whole look reminds you of some very primal animal that has no idea what human civility is.
It is profoundly disgusting.
Not a mirage, they are just setting you up.
There is no way, in my opinion, to have a genuinely positive experience with a narcissist.
I agree. I read so many books on effective communication. Not one single book said you cannot effectively communicate with a narcisst - it is a waste of time. Effective information tells you to get away from them ASAP.
There is no way to have a genuine experience with a narc, it’s all a control game.
The only positive experience with a narc is to leave them.
Genuine !
You damn right.
I've previously described them as;
A configuration of the intangible stuff that inhabits the brain that cannot be described as human but as an invasive entity that has taken control of the physical vessel of a human being. One who's sustenance is raw pain, dispair, fear, and pretty much that terror that is experienced as one proceeds towards demise.
So the thing is like a farmer, all their efforts are to cultivate and saw seeds in that intangible part of you that yield the above mentioned things. So that they can always come and harvest this produce and feed themselves to continue to exist.
And just like any organism, they seek to propergate their genes and hence you will notice a pertinent need to procreate its type and continue its legacy.
This to me makes sense. That they can and should be classified as an almost sentient invasion of the physical human body
You feel "Utterly" confused with a narc.
I don t second-guess myself anymore. I run anytime I see/feel/sense one coming.
And, if you're like me, you can see them coming a mile away.......Thank god I am NOT ISOLATED with EITHER!!!!😂🤣😂🤣🤗
Me too‼️
me three
Same 🖐️
For me all my alarm bells start to rattle when I meet these gushy people for the first time and they treat you like their best friend. They only associate with people who will be beneficial to their progress. They want something from you.
Alan Walker my narcissist ex husband was everybody’s best friend. He was so so over the top friendly I always thought that was so bizzare
OMG, my stomach just dropped when I read this. I just met someone who is seemingly desperately trying to be my friend. She is really mushy, gushy, drippy, sappy & saccharine sweet to everyone. I get a really creepy vibe from people who have that sunshine disposition and are over the moon to see everyone in their path. I’ve seen flashes of a dark side to this person already, but only for a brief second. She just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach from the moment I met her. Before she even opened her mouth to me, I wanted to GTFO of the room she was in. Intuition is real. I am trying to stay away from her, but my situation is sort of limited right now and I can’t quite get out of it yet. So, in the meantime, I am very superficial/surface with this person. I don’t tell her anything of substance and I keep my face, tone and demeanor pretty neutral when I’m around her. She could suck the air out of a room.
@@RustySpoons6490 Some people are actually nice , but with a narcissist...…….Run away.
@@RustySpoons6490 You just described my beautiful 41 yr old daughter...unfortunately.
I had a coworker come at me like that. "Oh youre so awesome, we should be BFFLs.. " Im like "dial it back buddy, you don't even know me at all to call me awesome" he tried very hard to get in my good graces only to try to get me to cover shifts for him. 🤔
I really love your last point - it's so easy to lose it with these people because there is no sense of justice and they are so mean; but losing your cool just makes your fall into their trap.
The tricky part here is that narcissistic subconsciously chose codependents as their victims; were just easy prey because we were conditioned as infants, children then teenagers to accept this abuse as normal. The control and manipulation projected by the narcissist onto us is hardwired into our subconscious as “normal” so we are already prepared to accept this bad behavior. That’s why I say tricky. It usually takes age and several bad encounters with these people to realize the pattern that we have accepted. They will keep coming at us until we recognize this pattern and take real conscious efforts to deal with it the best way our present circumstances allow us to. Educate yourselves to understand the pattern then you will see it coming and have the tools to deal with what these narcissists are dumping on you. So we must remove ourselves at least consciously at first, learn what’s going on so we can see it coming, then emotionally and physically prepare ourselves with their dirty little tricks. If you are married to this person you are basically tied to the whipping post; been there done that. There are things you should do; get your ducks in a row. These people completely change when they see you are no longer taking their bait. Be very careful. If you work for them, get another job; it’s not worth the money. If it’s someone you’re in a social situation with..get away from them; they are playing you for their own good. Listen to your gut feeling!!! It’s right every time !!
100%
So true, and if you are conditioned from childhood. the abnormality of the behavior of the narcissist has long since become invisible, i.e. , effectively "normal", so that you don't see it until so much later, when, as they say, the scales have fallen from your eyes. Just as Dianne has said.
Thank you for your voice. Keep speaking your truth because in the end that is the best way to truly defeat the narcissist :) To always be true to you no matter what!
Dianne Christensen I’m a Mother to a Narc daughter. She’s been diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar 1 but I know she’s a Narc. I went N/C with her almost
one year ago. I couldn’t take the abuse and torment she was handing out to me. I just was so sick of it I cut her off. I miss my grandkids so much. But my life has
been so much better since I don’t have her in my life. I feel free. I’m taking my life back.
@@tammyw.4779 I hope your life is doing better now. May God bless you and your daughter. Shalom!
Thank you I’m a Highly Sensitive person and it is known that Narcissists are attracted to a Highly Sensitive person. I have them all around me all the time.
With a covert narcissist it is not clear in the beginning that you are dealing with a covert narcissist, because that person has to keep up the façade the whole time. Conflicts start when that person has won your convidence. Than the insulting, lies, cheating, blaming, gaslighting, silence treatment starts.
In my situation as I'm thinking about the covert I am divorcing, it's not that he was convincing... more than I wanted to be convinced. I saw what I wanted to see in him because deep down I wanted him to save me from my previous abusive home life (he had all the signs)He was going to rescue me and no matter what I was going to make that square fit in that circular shape! I get mad at myself sometimes. I was that desperate for rescuing, so I thought that I would break every moral, relationship boundary I set up for myself. You live, Lear and be better every moment!! Sending LOVE and peace!!
Raoul Kleijntjens - It has always been my nature to back away from a conflict until it can be discussed rationally but those are circumstances that do not occur when dealing with a narcissist. That said, I merely disengage - further and further. I see that as different from "the silent treatment" yet that is the accusation that eventually comes forth. I will not sit there and make small talk because they want to change the subject and push it into the rear-view mirror as quickly as possible as a means of diffusing it. No explanation and certainly no apology. But I get what you're saying
PJE I totally agree. I have been accused by my covert narc of punishing with the silent treatment for disengaging. I have learned to keep all conversation shallow and agreeable in order to not induce a disagreement. Now my narc says "it's very obvious you are trying to shut me out of your life". You can't win! Our relationship has become so shallow and superficial that it's not worth keeping. So I left.
@@CG-bt7oc - It's sad though that shallow conversations mean shallow friendships and this person is most definitely not a bad human being
@@kharissataylor2001 I thought I could "fix" the NPD. I wanted to make the rescue ... make the square fit the circle. Either approach can lead to the same place.
The Narc's 3 act story arc - mirage the future, confuse the present, revise the past.
Of the 3 NPDs that I have known - not one can apologize for even the tiniest mistake, much less a really serious one.
@Jay Arre Good luck with that... you would have to tell them each individual time that they should apologize - and they will never understand why...
@Jay Arre , a horsewhip would be a useful aid.
Oh yeah baby!
Jay Arre NOPE! You must not be nearly naive enough to think that you have the insights, cunning, knowledge, stamina and will to dominate necessary to train them.
And even more than that, you must not be silly enough to think that they’re going to willingly have any part of being trained!
You must not have encountered real narcs
@Jay Arre Don't think they can be trained because true narcissists are never sorry about anything they do, so if they are apologizing, it is fake just to get you off their back.
I told my narc to get out. I loved him dearly, my love was not returned, so I told him to beat it. All this stuff is true, & awful. Then you find out you were victim of narcissism, suddenly, it all makes sense, in a weird & creepy way.I found out on Christmas Day, 2018, after watching one of these videos.I send my love to all of you who are suffering from this affllction. it is awful.
Blues mamarara: I'm proud of you sister! You are strong, and wise! Having healthy boundaries, and loving yourself is the best value you can offer your healthy self! The right man will show himself to you, you will be a prize to him, and a force of nature. God's blessings! 💌
Yep. I had all the things about him I was like wtf why are you like this. Why does he do these things....Been about a month I found Dr Cater and Dr Ramini. Now I know. They talk about all his ways. Classic narc. Down the list. Now what am I going to do? I love him and I guess the dream of how I wish he was. Hes a cool person but I c ant live with out someone i can truely talk to about me and my feelings. Someone to encourage me and lift me up. Makes me so sad.
Narcissists are not about love, so please know what you're feeling is from Codependency, by lack of personal boundaries. That's why it feels like love. You're about to be compassionate to him, and waste many years of your life. This is why you are his prey. No boundaries means he can manipulate you, and you will lower your standards to excuse his treatment of you. The love bombing is only until he convinces you he's 'the one' and his bad treatment is only random! Know you are being tested, and honed to accept his manipulation, lies, and emotional abuse. You are now the frog in the hot pot of simmering water. He's not the one. If you have s€x with him, you will attach, he won't! Look up oxytocin, and ladies! Please keep your panties On. Take the quiz to see what your attachment style is on How We Love .com it's free. What you score, are the things you need to work on. You don't have to give your email for results, however, I suggest you snapshot your results so you can go back as you conquer, in yourself what draws Narcissists to you. They have lots of really great information on this site too! Fix yourself first, or you will be like a bouncing ball through life not able to find a place to land safely.
Don't think you have to stick around to figure him out, you are already ahead of his game because you know he's a Narcissist, but you're only ahead if you breakaway. They know what is needed to seem like your soulmate, it isn't real, please save yourself, your precious life's time, cut and run. 💌
@@terrikelly2762 if you see the warning signs then you need to get out as fast as you can. Great advice from Faith M above. I've been surrounded by narcos all my life, my older brother, and I attracted two narc husbands! The second one was pure evil, he'd had more years to hone his skills. He raped me repeatedly whilst I was pregnant, he refused to take me to hospital when I was in advanced labour. For almost 2 hours I begged him to take me to hospital but he kept stalling, I was having regular contractions whilst he was playing online poker! I was about to call a taxi then he nonchalantly said 'ok lets go' and baby was born within half an hour of arriving at hospital. He's a black belt at judo and he did a stranglehold on me one night whilst in bed- he said he was dreaming, I'm not sure now that he was - he always used to say he was a trained killer, I think he did it to scare me. He used to joke about it to friends saying he could have killed me whilst sleeping! There's lots more, I could go on. I know I was trauma bonded and felt totally trapped in the relationship, I was desperately unhappy but I'd come to believe it was my fault. When I look back now I find it hard to believe that I put up with so much abuse. If you are unsure now please get out while you can. Other coaches, as well as Carter, that I've found really helpful on YT are Richard Grannon, Spartan Life Coach, and Ross Rosenberg. Plus worth checking out Dr Gabor Mate on trauma - as childhood trauma (CPTSD) is the foundation for the codependecy traits. Take care, wishing you peace and happiness - something you'll never find whilst living with a narc!
I found out in April 2018. Amazing that they all work almost exactly the same!
“Don’t let them set your pace” . Another favourite from Dr C that have embedded in my brain . So grateful.
With my NPD, you go at their pace, in their chosen manner ... or you don't go. There is simply no flexibility.
John Harrigan That’s tough for you
John Harrigan Yup, mine too - left her 2 weeks before Christmas ... Never felt BETTER!
@@immortalnow exactly the guy I was just dating I just found out he's a narc he has been rushing me since we started talking into moving in with him so we can be with each other every single day and we only been talking for a month I told him I'm not rushing into moving in with him and kept saying no to him seeing me at all he told me I'm moving too slow for him etc
I used to record my conversations with my Ex. and play back there words when they started an argument and said, 'I never said that!' She smashed 4 tape recorders before I gave up.
You have no choice but to laugh at their immaturity to keep your sanity. Isn't it amazing how they are all basically the same? I'm so glad we have information like this available now. It feels good to be validated.
I record him regularly. If not, for anyone but myself. I just retired and am stuck with him. I live my life more separately because financially, it works. He's a mess. 71 and something always wrong with him. He's morbidly obese by the doctor's standards and wonders why he had to have a knee replacement, two back surgeries, now heart issues. He continues to shove food in his mouth. If I suggest therapy because he's always in pain, he says I'm heartless. Ya can't win. I am so frustrated but turn him off. Last year, I told him I wanted a two month in house separation. It was wonderful! I have many friends and many hobbies. His hobbies are watching TV and eating. UGH. Had to get it out. Thanks.
Once she knew that I recorded her she went crazy, told me that it was illegal. I said it was for my own sanity, and I just wanted to hear our conversations again.
@Ima Wake I learned that the hard way.
@@juliantreidiii What's more is most are getting more and more aware that people are recording their lunacy, spreading awareness, and sharing their differing (yet oddly in-common) experiences with narcs so others can watch out. That's what it's all about. To spread awareness for others who may not know how these people are, and how to avoid them, and watch out for them. But narcs know full well of narc-awareness on the rise, so they feel cornered, and not being able to breathe. They don't see the benefit of narc awareness, all they see is a reality that cuts off, or gets in their way of the only thing that matters to them: their supply.
I had one of them go off in all caps on a forum talking about how people need to lay off of narcs, and pay attention to the real "threats" such as sociopaths and psychopaths, and how narcs were innocents and misunderstood. When I replied that narcs are in the same class as sociopaths and psychopaths, and all sociopaths and psychopaths are narcs by default anyways, she had a full on meltdown. Demanding how old I was (like all of them do to invalidate me due to my age), if I went to college ( like all of them do to invalidate me as an uppity, overly educated know-it-all who knows nothing about the real world), and telling me to stop being a coward, to shut my mouth about narcissists, and to be woman enough to meet her at her house...I guess to fight? XD
So when craps really getting heated, expect a lot more of them to ask, "you recording me or something?" Either with a smirk, sarcastically, or overtly threateningly, and expect them to promise that if you're recording them that you're going to "pay." I grew up with a narc mother who found my private journals which recorded the outlandish things she said over the years. Oh, how she magically "remembered" what she said when she denied it beforehand. Oh, how she held me captive for hours on end, blabbing on about me taking it to heart, and punishing her, and talking such poison, and how good she was. But to cap it off, she promised me that if I even thought of tape recording her irl, or over the phone, that was "betrayal", she was my mother, and that I would be sorry. She said time and time she's not afraid of court, and she'd make me pay, because again, narcs will cling onto the fact that recording others against their consent is "illegal", yet they hate evidence, and never mind the fact that almost all damage they cause to other's lives is illegal.
The finniest thing I've eve r heard from her regarding my writing things about her shenanigan's was that I wasn't going to get "rich" off of her. I guess she really was paranoid I was going to write a "tell all" about her. Nah, because that would mean I would voluntarily puke constantly.
I didn't even know people took to recording narcs back then. I just wrote it down, because I love to write, and it's easy for me to record things in that way, but she may have had some experience with it from someone else. Because while writings can just be taken as writings, or edgy teen angst in that point in time, actual audio recordings that can be authenticated can rule out all doubt. Watch the panic in a narc's eyes if you even offhandedly mention recording any hypothetical evidence being recorded by audio or CCTV. Watch the narc go on and on about how the other person on the audio "made" the narc say the awful things, and threats they said. Listen to them justify on how much someone else made the narc in the records curse, hit someone, or throw things about. Watch them scramble and claim that there are still two sides to each story to invalidate the situation.
And if all else fails, well, they can always say eff you, or fly into yet another narc rage. They just ain't wired right.
As paranoid as they are about their good reputation while acting like the biggest, flaming pieces of dog feces on planet earth, you'd think they'd just be good people, and give up the wickedness, but I suppose that's just too much for them. Because if they did, they wouldn't be who they are. I can't really view them, or people like them, or people worse than them as "people" either. They got no humanity, and seem right proud of it too, so there's nothing left in how to feel about them.
Even more problematic is when a narcissist, who hasn't spoken to several members of their family in years, is also a family therapist... These people should not be able to become licensed mental health workers
Sometimes they are the worst ones.
Agree
Best part was " changing history According to their taste"
Had a Narc on my plane last night (I'm a flight attendant). They were sitting in First Class. He couldn't control his 3 year old and blamed the flight attendants! The kid screamed like she was being tortured because she didnt want to sit down. My flight partner was stunned, but thanks to Dr. C I knew IMMEDIATELY what we were dealing with. He yelled at his wife when she followed our instructions. Poor thing...between the kid screaming and him yelling at her she was exasperated. In the air, he screamed at my flight partner when she asked him to repeat his drink order. She walked to the back of the plane where I was working in tears. We switched positions. I told him if I had ONE unpleasant word from him we would divert the flight, security would meet him at the gate and escort him off. "Are we clear?" He said yes and apologized. Later in the flight he was super nice...but calmly told a complete lie about my flight partner! The other passengers were appalled. One guy gave his business card and said to contact him if we needed a witness. Thank you, Dr. C! You helped me do my job better!
Firstly are you a psycholigst to be sure if some one is a narcsissit or not secondly who are you to decide if you are gonna divert the plan.. maybe you are even GOD .. seriously who is the narsissit here ??? I think the one who thinks she can do anything in her fantasy world .. i feel sorry for ur co-worker and family ..you must play god all the time
I used to work for an airline and it was through an interest in matters related to leadership that I first realised what narcissism was about. Management positions lend themselves to people with these tendencies as it gives them control and an unlimited supply of flying monkeys. Many of these people would end up in first and business class. Well done with your handling of a very difficult situation. True leadership is largely about two words/actions - the Care and Growth of others and this is no doubt what you are all about. Regards from New Zealand.
Way to go! Be concise, but be precise. No twisting of words possible.
Btw.: How's your colleague right now?
@Chris H She might not be able to, but she surely can tell the pilot. When the latter decides that the situation could become dangerous, he could surely divert the flight.
@@Psh-ky2ny 1. I coordinated my response with my Captain before speaking to the passenger. 2. If it walks like a duck...3. So, I guess you're just going to ignore the fact that I had a verbally abusive passenger, right? OK. 4. If you can't say "Amen" say "Ouch!" Happy Holidays!
My ex-wife is a narcissist and she's the only person I ever have conflict with while communicating. If I disagree with anything, no matter how minor, it turns into a fight. She, of course, blames me for being unreasonable and (wait for it) for being a narcissist.
Maybe you should not be making public statements like this where your ex-wife could be easily identified.
Leave her? For your own benefit? Or does she discard you, wait a while, and then apologize and find a way to blame YOU for her reaction? Aaaah the cycle of abuse.
Yes. My husband does just that.
YES. My ex did the same. I only ever had conflict with him and he called me evil and manipulative. Funny when I told everyone else they were SHOCKED that he said that to me and not the other way around.
I was called bi polar by 2 individuals who one is a narc and has PTSD, the other one has many personality disorders, too many to even name here. Two loons sitting at a table discussing my mental health. All I needed was popcorn. It was simply something out of this world. One of her issues is dissociative identity disorder, which used to be called multiple personality disorder. She also has Munchausen. Which is where a person pretends to have an illness for attention. She pretended she had 2 terminal cancers at the same time, with zero symptoms lol. But yes, I'm the sick one😂
“I don’t care about you. I care about me. The words you are saying only matter if it has something to do with me.”
Yes, good for mee, but not for thee!
this. basically whenever they speak i doubt everything they say and have to tell myself it's all lies bc it is. the only way to be well again is to get away from them. they distort your reality to such malignant degrees. You can trust nothing about them except that you will be hurt relentlessly by them, and they DO NOT CARE
One time my ex and I were in a discussion and the conversation went like this: Him....” you are not listening to me!” Me.....I am listening, but I am not agreeing with you!”. He never did understand what I was saying. He had no concept of the possibility that I did not have to think the same way he did.
Yes they like someone to agree so they can feel justified when they've done something wrong.
Kyna Thomas don’t we all ?
They operate in black and white, agreeing to disagree requires moving in the grey areas which requires patience and understanding and pondering, skills they don't have... easier for a prideful arrogant person to just believe they are right all the time and if the dumbass world would just align themselves with their thinking then all would be well.
@@bw2442 100%
Tell them "no" and see how they react. Narcissists do not like for people to have boundaries because it interferes with their ability to take advantage.
They always want the upper hand.
It is hard to manipulate someone who has respect for themselves and firm boundaries in place.
You will most definitely attract narcissists if they suspect you have weak boundaries and low self-esteem. Recognize your special talents and honor them.
Walk away from negative people.
Never engage with a narcissistic person... You will only be feeding the troll. Narcs are demons and you must starve them out by Grey Rocking them!! They aim to piss you off so they can feed on it, make you look bad and smear you to others.
Pegasus 514 Great comment, I'm sure you went thru some fire to get those nuggets, I had a blowup with my narc wife, so I went to a councilor who knows about narcissistic behavior, so I set boundaries with narc wife, I told her I am here to talk but if you can't talk to me civily, quietly, and not walk out of conversation, and quit blaming then I won't talk to you period. That made her rage and give silent treatment. A week of silence then she says get out of my house, your not being a husband to me. I hit the road and got divorced asap.
Pegasus 514 Very astute description !
In dealing with my narcissistic brother I decided to skip all the baby steps and went to just totally kicking him out of my life. That was 4 years ago and things keep getting better and better!
My bro is a narc too...hardcore
Mine too....evil!
@@michellewall6748 isnt it just insane ?
I kno the feeling It's sometimes difficult, frustrating and painful to watch your brother in this situation! God bless
Dear sir. By watchung your video I've learned a lot bout narcissism. Thanks for sharing
You must leave the narcissist before he makes a bad person out of you because than he will fingerpoint on you
What makes it a he. This is my soon to be ex wife all the way.
@@SORGIGERMANICO She may be a Sociopath
@pasture green How you know it’s not you? You think Sociopaths admit they’re Sociopath? No
Yes...good to spot them early then run!!
My ex would get extremely angry over the smallest things. Then he'd just flee the scene, not text or call for days even a week. Then when I ask why he didn't try to resolve the situation, he says "i wanted to but I don't think I did anything wrong". What a joker.
If they have close friends they would have to be subservient, appeasing and scared to disagree, money and humour is the only tools they have to have any friends.
Bang on,thankyou!!without that they shit
Marie Gibbons thanks
"Watch how a healthy person communicates." I LOVE this! Thank you so much, Dr. Carter. God bless you. 🕊
Just start laughing really hard when they say something stupid. Most people would react with hurt, or walk away, or maybe insult you back. A narcissist will go into a murderous rage.
Unless they are a covert. They will have no reaction whatsoever mixed with a smug sense of superiority.
It's pretty hard to keep a straight face once you know the patterns. "golly gee, that's a yellow bellied sociopath I read about on pg 134!" Kinda like birdwatching. 🙂🤔🤗
But I have scar tissue from literally biting my tongue, or anything else to prevent me from blurting out:
"YOU'RE A YELLOW BELLIED SOCIOPATH I READ ABOUT ON PAGE 134!!!!"
It never ends well.
"Shut up Wanda. For once in your life, let the idiot pass by in peace."
Which keeps me from looking like one too.😜
0/10 would not recommend I got choked, hair ripped out & beat up approx. an hour ago due to laughing... lol. Seriously though they HATE it. “Stopppp... LAUGHING!!!!” *punch punch punch* its funny after a while I cant help it
@@AnotherLosttSoul better to laugh with a baseball bat in your hand, huh?
Seriously, when a narc pulls stuff, he knows he deserves a firing squad.
Why they run, gaslight you, and try to turn others against you. They also deserve a firing squad.
They really know this and they want to goad you into confrontation so they can slap you down hard, again and again. Like a ball and paddle.
Hunt them down. Be in it for the long game if you want the pleasure of witnessing their destruction.
It will take years, they figure you have forgotten...I know this is bad but, I've never gotten more pleasure than watching them go down in the worst way.
I'm old enough that people have died on me. Very few tears have I shed.
Are you a douchebag with a bullying past who has "seen better days?"
You may count me as one who enjoys your well deserved suffering.
The debt you owe your victims will never be paid any other way.
I just listened to Dr. Carter, thank you! I am 70 years old and just realized the relationship was all about him and his bad behavior. I’ve never had to deal with that before and it took me four months to walk away. This is the first time I’ve dated in eight years and I am realizing that dating may have changed but the older men seem to stay the same or get grumpier. I’m working on myself also because I’m such a pleaser which doesn’t always work out. Self love is the key. I’ll be listening to your advice often.
70 years old and you still have the courage to date and work on yourself. Be proud and kind to yourself. You're awesome.
Right behind you sister! Go younger, and let him be the pleaser! When I've date older, or those my age, they have been stuck, boring, controlling, or all of the above! That isn't to say they can't be younger, and still be all of these things, but it's less likely! Know who you are, your value! When you realize how truly precious you are, a man will too. Being a pleaser is not in your best interest, it makes men lazy, complacent. Learn what you want from a man, and life. Set your boundaries with no compromising. When you break your own boundaries, you lower your standards in his eyes. He will lose interest, along with respect even if he still stays around. Stand firm, and he will value you. And most importantly, regardless of the culture these days, keep your panties on! All a man wants to do is make you happy! Let him! Just not 'that' way! God didn't make men to think, the way women do. There is so much that could be shared on this subject to get you on track, (but don't do what you've been doing!) ☺️
I know this comment is a year old but Helen you are awesome and an inspiration for us younger ladies. Hope you are still doing well
@Sincere I had a widowed neighbour, an older lady, who was happily married in her younger years. I guess she was lonely, so she hooked up with an old grump who lives in our building. From what I could tell, he did not treat her respectfully, though she was his "girlfriend," walking yards ahead of her when the were out and about. I marvel she put up with his crabbiness when she didn't have to.
@@faithm9284 you are so right Faith. I am 64 and have decided to go younger and to definitely avoid narcissists. Even at my age, I know there is someone worthwhile out there. I discovered my last relationship was with a covert narc. He was 69 years old. Just ended it 3 months ago and fortunately saw the signs before going too far (2 years).
This was my experience with EVERY person in my life until a few years ago. I had a health crisis, then I was suddenly in conflict with them for not being perfectly together. The claws came out and I was alone. I will never let that happen again.
Take Back Your Link .... it was also the confrontation between the safe & comfortable ones and the troubled one. Most people are marketing victims and cant deal with the imperfections of life
I survived - got out of a 6 year marriage. I am an intelligent self sufficient woman and can’t believe I got sucked in and let him manipulate me for so long. Listening to this and reading books on sociopathic narcissists is like reading about my life with him. So glad to have this knowledge so I don’t succumb again. His defense was also an offense and somehow even his cheating was my fault ! Definitely no reasoning with one!
Thank you for sharing this info! I wish I’d have known it sooner.
When it comes to a narc, it has zero to do with you and everything to do with them. Not only do THEY make it about them, but it really is a THEM issue, not a YOU issue. Pray for them and move on. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do. Cut all contact and live your life out.
Pray to be protected from them. They are reprobates and need to be taken to the seat of judgment for god's swift ajudication.
Spot on.
Agreed from experience.
I like what you said except for "forgive them". What does this even mean? Yes, I know what it means in pop armchair psychology but... Jesus said "if someone trespasses against you confront them, and *IF* they repent, forgive them." So since this cannot be the sort of forgiveness you're referring to, what are you referring to?
Thanks
@@danielbartholomew1891No need to forgive them. Forgive yourself for letting them treat you like that. Forgive yourself for lacking the boundaries
“ Watch me do healthy”. That statement alone was worth watching the entire video. Thank you so much!!!
Or watch me walk away if it doesn't work. ♥️
I believe that this battle between narc and victim is spiritual, ie light & dark. Many sick sick souls roaming the earth 2019 /2020.
Developing sound spiritual values helps greatly. Dr. C
I had a conflict with a super-calm narcissist. He had trained himself with meditation to be quiet and superior. He was still angry, but hid it really well. It was scary. I was crying and he criticized accused me of all kinds of awful things that weren't true... quietly and calmly. It made the whole situation WORSE, because I felt like the narcissist because I reacted to it, while he stayed calm...
That’s impossible. They can’t train themselves to do anything, especially not anything to do with emotions or expressing their emotions.
They already think they’re perfect and they’d never do meditation because they’d never be alone with nothing but their thoughts. So what you’re describing is not a narcissist.
@@chrissmith6097
This is an *extremely* silly and childish comment, especially the last sentence; that was quite rude. The clearest debunk for this is that it's all a spectrum; OF COURSE they can train themselves to do things, otherwise they wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING?!? Lol??
Some can, some can't. Some can really well, some not so well. The anger probably blew up in their face BADLY one time so they did what they could to hide it, or maybe they knew that being calm would trigger others more or lead to better control. They do indeed have moments where they have internal turmoil, and their false self falls apart due to any reason like loss of supply or a permanent injury from a bad accident; depending on the narc, of course.
It's extremely unlikely for you to have any psychological training especially if making a comment like this. How can you even begin to make a comment like this? Think about how hurtful this probably was to the person who dealt with such a narcissist..!
This is so classically narcissistic
It boils down to the fact that in a conflict, the person who is the loudest, who makes the most noise, is the one in the wrong, something a narcissist cannot see.
Unless the narcissist drives you to the point where you lose your shit just to make YOU look like the unstable one
@@alexaonther0x
Yes!
People don't seem to understand, narcissistic abuse is a very traumatic experience and the abuse can last for YEARS because the dust rarely ever settles from the massive smear campaign the Narcissist can put into motion should you ever try to stand up for yourself or defend yourself out of self respect. Usually the Narc has the upper hand because of their charisma, charm & financial status.
Once the Narc smears and drags your name through the mud for many years, it can be hard to ever bounce back, because sadly most people listen to money or will listen to what a rich man has to say in this world. That's one of the reasons why Jesus was crucified (He was a dirt poor carpenter who didn't have any beauty or money = Isaiah 53 written in 700 BC or Psalm 22)......but I've learned over the years the good news about Jesus can be found in Matt 5:17 and John 16:33 as he overcame evil (slander) when he rose from the dead (Psalm 110:1).
The worst thing you can do is NOT follow the example of Jesus, chose not to turn the other cheek to narcissistic verbal abuse, try fighting fire with fire out of self respect, lose your cool once you are ostracized for YEARS from the smear campaign. The best thing you can do is give them to God, pray for them and move along in peace the best you can.
Some people will finally decide to put all their thoughts in writing in a long winded email to prevent being interrupted by the Narc as a last ditch effort to reason with or give a deeper understanding to the Narcissist (who lacks empathy). There can be good reasons why people end up "making the most noise" in a long winded email ...The Narc will never allow you to speak your peace without constant interruption and leaving you with a feeling of sending them a very long winded email in a last ditch effort for "personal liberty" of making your voice heard without interruption causing you to lose your track of thought.
However, narcissists are easily offended, which is why they constantly interrupt you, they have a vindictive spirit and don't fight fair. If they feel rejected or defeated, they will simply stab in the back. They don't fight face to face. They are too spineless. Narcs love to trip up their target whom they perceive to be a threat (basically anyone with self respect who is willing to push back against the narcissistic bully behavior).
My advice, keeping your emotions in check and going grey rock is the best way to "push back" against a narc. Chose wisely to follow Jesus (grey rock or turn the other cheek). It's okay to let people think whatever the hell they want to think. They don't define you. Only God defines you. Forgive that person in your heart, extend them grace & mercy ....and go no contact if possible. Trust in God. Trust God is just. Move along in peace in Jesus name.
Dr. Les I can't thank you enough. I no longer fight fire with fire with my narc. I no longer hope she'll change. Thanks to you I'm trying to heal from 28 yrs of narcissistic abuse. It's a slow but sure process. Thanks again.
Keep trying. Look in the mirror and say "I love you." Be the best you can be. Don't feel sorry for them - that's a trap.
It seems like narcissism in the norm in today's society, there are adult children everywhere.
David, childishness is not the worst. There are childish adults who are pleasant, glad and enjoying life. What is worst is their inhumane side including all the terrible ingredients we already heard about.
My ex-wife is a narcissist who did everything she could to try and turn my family and friends against me. Funny how that automatically identified all the other narcissist I need to cut out in my life.
Brother, I'm just figuring that out about my wife.
@@caddis4801 its tough Bro. Stay strong ✊
@@sillycaveman7832 this ole man Hippie, may need advice is available?
The first thing this girl did was befriend my best friend, and turned him against me, basically tried to date both of us at the same time as her sources, and obviously we split as friends/had a fall out, in hindsight, it was rather convenient for her cause theres no way to tell if shes still talking to him while dating me if we're not friends anymore.
It’s sad because they force you into isolation. But, that makes room for all the great people out there in the world. It’s really a heart breaking situation
I lived with someone who had all these traits, it was a nightmare, you feel you are going mad
Note: a covert narc won't react badly unless you're their chosen victim. And then it won't be anger. It'll be by shaming you.
Mhm
"I don't understand why you're being so cruel I'm just trying to connect with you."
When you hold them accountable for something shitty they do "You aways demonize every tiny mistake I make. I'm only human!"
Mine started with dismissal, then went to shame. If that didn't work then he'd go to anger. If even that didn't work, he'd apologize, but the apologies were always lies. Within a short period of time, he'd take them back and reverse to his original stance.
I respectfully disagree, unless my wife is not 'covert' like I'm as confident as I can be she is. She has more hate and anger in her than anyone should legally be allowed to have. On another note, she will say "I'm not perfect" when asked to name one mistake she's ever made or name one time she was wrong or exercised poor judgment, anything to do with something negative......crickets. It's absolutely amazing. And the re-writing history? UGH! she always waits, 6, 7, 8 months then comes back with an event or scenario and has it so blown out of proportion, so ridiculously slanted in her favor and I am the terrible monster who doesnt deserve to live. Also (i'm on a roll here, lol) She starts every conflict. EVERY one. But when the story gets re-told, it never starts at the beginning. It starts in the middle, like right when she's been at it for a while, pushing my buttons and I finally lose patience. Never any mention of all the bitching and dragging up the same inaccurate old crap i've been beat down 899,838,773 times before.
In the span of about as many weeks as i can count on one hand she went from a wife ten times better than any wife i could have built in a lab, to the complete opposite. I had no idea people could be so....so.....fucked up.
It's amazing, she's a full blooded Puerto Rican, born and raised in the south bronx, and, to date, I havent been cut once!
I get pure anger from my covert narcissist. Unending anger. Pure hate.
I don't get it.
Totally irrational.
Talk about making mountains out of mole hills.
Covert narcs are tricky. They will use anger and even straight up physical abuse but only if no one else is around. They must maintain the facade.
Maybe I'm wrong but the games a narcissist plays (basically all the time) could not always be easily pointed out, but can always be FELT. At least in my case. In my stomach. 'Something is going on here' - that's what that weird feeling is telling me.
That is a very good description. I always felt that in the company of my narcissistic father that something was inherently wrong. Like a marionette that developed a mind of it's own during the show it feels the strings being pulled but doesn't understand the forces controlling it as it knows nothing else and is yet to see the hand it dangles from.
Judit Hargitay Yes! A lot of times hours or days will pass and then it dawns on me what they really meant in their sneaky, dishonest way.
There’s no way you could’ve known without experiencing it. That’s the secret sauce of the narc. Healthy people don’t act this way. We expect everyone is healthy. By the time you figure it out, you’ve been in a relationship with a narc.
@@astralcat4880 It certainly takes time to figure out the agenda behind the words of a Narcissistic abuser. Even when we aren't actively spending time trying to figure them out, our subconscious mind that originally alerted you about something going on seems to try and figure it out like a computer running a virus check in the background while you go about your work.
I always felt my chest tighten near to the time I’d be around those people. I’m sure I like many Christians attribute that to the Holy Spirit telling us that things just aren’t right. But I think we have as people, an keen ability to reason better than we think. Of course I ignored that for years and thought if I were stronger, and better Christian those things wouldn’t bother me. But they still did. When I finally left - I felt defeated, but as time went on- I saw things in a completely different light.
I prayed they would change once I was gone, but what changed was me. I’ll never know what’s come of their life since, but do want to be better listener to myself and others.
Maybe then I’ll take those cues much better, and move on in a much healthier way. Good thing for growth. ❤️
Thanks for your insight.
GAS LIGHTING is one of the best ways. How to tell if they are a Narc? When you feel the need to record them so you can show them what they said. That is a dead giveaway. Also, after a few months, when their mask starts to slip or falls off, look in their eyes. You'll see cold, empty darkness. I'm serious, you will see it and it will FREAK you out!
Already saw it
Yeah man, this girl has this weird demonic influence over me. of course it was from sex involved, but there was so much more man... this person had NO light about them, very cold and calculated.
It stinks to be them. Much better to be YOU.
Self restraint to not react to them...takes as much for us as we wish that they had! How's that for perspective!?
Happy holidays and peace to everyone. Merry bow-wow, Gus!
P.S. - Wish for all narcs to have peace in their hearts. They need it the most and it would probably help a LOT if they had it.
Edit. - Re-reading my self restraint comment, I realized it sounds snarky. I meant that we have to expect as much out of ourselves as we expect out of them. No snark meant.
If we have peace in our hearts we will have empathy and compassion. The narcissist has image. They use money and manipulation tactics to gain treasures.
*Spiritual wealth is true wealth*
Melanie McCann - Merry Christmas
carefulcarpenter - 😀 Amen ❤️
Yeah if they received peace, healing, and deliverance from Christ. They would be healed. Unfortunately they don't see it that way.
Recently, I heard that human Earth life was an 'experiment' (by a bunch of us bored souls??) to see how far away from the light (God/Creator) we could get without forgetting that we're all from light. Mission accomplished! I think we found the boundary line!
3 weeks into not seeing my 3-year girlfriend, she's on the highest, and i mean highest spectrum of narcissism, to the point where she tries to destroy me as much as she can. Sadly at the same time, this girl's act, is and was the most beautiful act, and face, I've ever seen in my life. Not only did I fall head over heels, I became absolutely infatuated with her and she slowly trained me to comply with her because "else it's done". I lived in a constant state of fear.
Anyway, 3 weeks into finally having had enough and keeping my distance, I keep wiggling back and forth between knowing I'm making the right decision, to feeling guilty that I'm walking away and giving up on trying to save her. I've given her everything in the past 3 years, with only extremely temporary results of her beautiful act. I became like an addict, trying to hit that jackpot of "affection" as much as i could. Only getting my jackpot about once a week, and then working an entire week towards that 5-second jackpot. I saw what was happened, I understood what was happening, but h*ly shit it took nuclear energy to pull myself away from it. I'm still trying to cope and rewire my brain. I truly believe that if you can understand and finally escape extreme narcissistic abuse, you're pretty much ready for everything and anything else in life. This is evil, in its most beautiful, decorative form. I hope I can stick with this and keep my sanity to a certain degree. 2 weeks after she deleted me (1 week ago now). she sent me one text "are you alive", because I wasn't chasing her. I did not reply. Within 12 hours, everyone, including my sister, and her family, started blowing up my phone --she acted like she was devastated and that i left her, which was the furthest from the truth. So, I finally did reply to her, I asked if she wanted to talk, and that I do love her --and she literally discarded me AGAIN saying that everything I always told her was a lie and that I'm dead to her. So now she's discarded me twice in 3 weeks, and she's the victim. Absolutely un-be-lievable.
You need to get away from her ...
Respect your self
Stay away....it wont get any better!! You deserve better!!
What you need to do is FIGHT for yourself and take back your power. Do not engage with her, do not start to feel sorry for her, do NOT think you can "save" her. You can't. I learned this lesson the hard way with my former narc. husband.
The only person you can "save" is yourself.
No contact ever is the only way to keep your sanity and self respect!!
"Conflict reveals character." Thank you Dr. Carter! Your clear explanations are very useful!
Lauren: don't give up. You're not alone. Breathe, float through, let time pass. It'll be all right. ❤️🐦
My ex did nothing but create conflict. If there was no problem, she’d create one. No drama? She’d create some. I walked on eggshells for years because I never knew what I could or couldn’t say, who I could or couldn’t look at or talk to, and I didn’t ever know what mood of hers I was going to get. It could change within minutes. Instead of accepting the fact that we thought differently about certain things, she would constantly bring them up and start a fight. The worst part is, I’ve seen her do it to her kids too, especially her son. She picks at people until they explode and then turns it all around on them. So glad she’s gone...
Mr. Indie I’m starting to think that most female are how you describe your ex. Almost impossible to find females that are not conflict creators.
@@babblingidiot7903 look for videos/articles on what personalities attract narcissists and why it happens. It took me several years to heal from several sequential relationships with narcs. Hopefully, never again.
It also sounds like borderline personality disorder / narcissist personality disorder.
These people hate peace.
That's just like my mom!
My dad used to say "Your mother pulls a knife for nothing"...
She did.
Out of the blue, she started fighting over bullshit: coathangers, a table at a restaurant, clothing, food...
You couldn't shut her up either.
And you can't win a fight that is totally irrational.
God she is weird.
I'm like a guy, I hate drama. Been alone for a long time and loving it. Peace and quiet is my life. Be alone if it makes you happy
Dr. C, thank you for teaching us about the world of narcissism, but what you’re really teaching is how to be healthy and better versions of ourselves. Thank you.
The HUGE ones are the revisionist history and shifting the focus.
Pierre Jacoub YEP!!
So, true! The revisionist history is absolutely insulting to deal with.
With them, your not even allowed to express feelings without them taking it as an absolute personal attack. Can’t say, I really need this from you……..they can explode……and yes …..,I do find myself getting sucked into an argument. This is why I need to end this relationship. Thank you for your videos.
Jealousy. That's also a dead giveaway.
They feel very jealous of others so they try hard to make others feel jealous of them as well.
The narc in my life used to torture me making promises, then making excuses for not keeping the promise (always "my fault") , and finally doing what he promised with someone else, making sure I knew he was going to do what he promised me with other ppl. Every time I tried to explain why that was hurtful, he would say .... you have jealousy problems!
Sound about right. Argh
Oh, so that's why she refuse to do the things with me and then go around to do it with another person? That's why she keeps bringing up other people when I'm trying to talk about our problems. It is two-fold. First, she tries to gaslight me that everyone did shit for her, none had any problems with her using false comparisons, and second, she tries to make me jealous because she would show me that she treats someone else nicer than me. Whoa, the hoovering went longer than I thought.
@@captlanc are u gonna leave her???
This is my old school bully. Still Jealous of me to this day n copies me too 🤣
@@emmaphilo4049 She is no longer in my life.
A narc’s #1 goal is to gaslight their victim.
Human level: diabolical
Absolutely TRUE
Yup...I've dealt with being gas lighted before I even knew what it was.
Something like what the American government does with its population to get away with so many wrongdoings as possible.
I got gaslighted. Combine that with taking lsd and now my life is fucked. So long cruel world.
@@ianthompson3038, I just saw this, please don't do anything to yourself. Talk to someone, God via Jesus most of all, but also, mere human beings. Doctors, clergy, somebody. I'll pray for you.
I went so far as to enroll in a conflict mediation course at the community college near me, just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. Turned out my professor even read my essays and spoke to me privately about how my ex seemed abusive. My ex asked me why I had an A in my class but couldn’t speak to him perfectly: it’s because he’d have an F: narcs expect you to treat them like you’re an angel even when they’re the devil.
@kbrigsby61 Hahaha what are you doing here you internet troll
Deny, rewrite history, lies, explosive and scary anger, screaming, cussing and slamming doors, hitting the walls...Projection and ZERO accountability. Everything THEY DID was your fault. Absolute madness. Run Away!!
...it sounds like a territorial bigfoot encounter to me....when you have to... run like hell... out of the woods to save yourself...
...stay out of sasquatch territory...
Man. Hearing the truth. Phew. "This won't end well." My whole life I responded by freezing, not acting. I'd like to think that at this point in my life I can say it's healthier not to respond and leave their energy field as quickly as possible, than lower myself to their level and engage in their conflict. Two wounded warriors: one searching for peace, the other battle. Everyday can be a war zone, and there are no victors.
I agree with you on this.
@Laura D. You are correct. I am learning, in my 60's and still learning! Take very good care of yourself and thanks for your response.
Once again, spot on! Today I just realized another ongoing trait: Narc does something “nice” for me, then proceeds to make the rest of the day all about themselves, even though it was spun as something nice for me. HA!
Like so many of your other viewers, Dr. Carter, I wish I had long ago understood the behaviors of a narcissist. These signs were there for me very early on, but I simply had no idea that a relationship could deteriorate into something so beyond my comprehension. I am so grateful that I discovered your videos this past spring. They are enlightening and empowering. Thank you for educating us and being the calm voice of reason.
It's not just conflict, they can't handle a simple life task such as picking up the phone and paying a bill. They are immature soulless creatures!
You've got one of my type! And always 100 excuses, usually coming back to blaming you why it was impossible to pick up the phone
@@barbeeska haaha that's right, its always the other person! YOU made it too difficult. Boohoo! lol
You're a pretty immature and soulless creature yourself to talk about others like that. Especially people with a deep engrained personality disorder that they didn't choose to suffer from.
@@JLUX100 a narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. So therefore they are CHOOSING to hurt people the way they do. Unless you've dealt with one on a personal level you have no idea.
@@michelegray5970although that is true you have to remember they didn't choose to be a narcissist and have those types of behaviours and make those choices.
Also may I point out that most people with personality disorders are non violent nor abusive and usually don't ever go that way. Some do but most don't. I think I have dealt with one or two narcissistic people in my life and possibly one sociopath before but they were never diagnosed so it's hard to confirm. Regardless they are not creatures they're still human beings. I just think the way you worded your original post was lacking compassion
"Watch how a healthy person does this". This helps. I will remember.
When you first meet them and they seem to read your mind and say exactly what you want to hear, that's a red flag. Btw, if only they had a sign on them 😅
A couple of times I offered to allow them to write me a script of responses
that they think I should say.... I laugh at the types of responses I did get.
thanks for posting this
Dear Dr. Les, (calmly) May I just say that.........(screaming) I LUH (love) YOUUuuu!!!! You have been a significant part of my healing journey . The insight, the information, the wisdom, the SKILLS that you share have empowered me and is literally changing my life for the better.
Ahhhhh, You are simply a BLESSING-AND-A-HALF/HALF.COM 🤗
THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awww. That was really nice. A bit loud, but really nice! Thanks, Leah. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😀You're Welcome! "Let me show you what healthy looks like" is now the #1 burning goal/agenda imprinted in my mind, heart, and soul.👐🏾 #HEALTHY ❤
When I became a teenager I started developing my own interests like playing sport after school. The narc immediately put an end to it by isolating me at home and taking up music which he was already involved in. I have been damaged so far beyond repair Dr C. I gave up long ago even before I started to live. Dr Carter all this stuff you mention not only happened to my mum in her young age, but then also to me and my siblings up to current. We are well into adulthood. What we realised is that the narc stunted our natural growth and development.