Loneliness as an estranged queer adult
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 มี.ค. 2024
- here are some of the thoughts that have been rattling around my brain for the last few years about what it's like being estranged as a queer adult. this video felt a little personal and difficult to make haha
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my late ugandan father found out i was bi from a tiktok i made about wanting a girlfriend, and the day after, i was going to the basement to do morning yoga and he made me stop and hugged me. i really lucked out. even though we never actually talked about it, i know how important it was to him for me to find love and be cared for. if our community knew about this about and his quiet acceptance and support, they probably wouldn't have rallied around us they way they did for the funeral planning. i'm really sorry about your situation.
OMG that is so sweet of your dad.
wow so lovely
I have Ugandan parents to but they are so homophobic it’s scary. As a queer teen I’m so happy for you. You deserved the world.
hey sib, black american nb lesbian here. i really relate to what you shared. i've considered going no contact with my family. internalizing the message that community is good but family is best? it really sucks. the community that you can never truly rely on, who will never understand or respect all of you, it sucks! i'm really proud of you for reaching out for support. knitting along with you made me feel less lonely as someone who struggles with family dynamics. i'm wishing you all the best 💕
Thank you :) I’m glad this video helped a little. Wishing you the best too❤️
im a british asian lesbian living in west yorkshire. i dont have supportive parents and im estranged from both sides of the family. i never dated, i had horrible problems with depression/isolation so instead i focused on my career and education. im 30 now and have done very well but i feel so empty. you are only young once and its so important to live your authentic life even if your parents dont approve. you dont want to be old one day and regret everything. i wish you all the best in the future
British-Ghanaian lesbian here and can relate to focusing on education and career, in place of the personal. I'm lucky to live in London, but grew up in a religious family, not much support. I got on the scene fairly late, and have also never dated. Trying to find community now. Good luck 🍀
As a black Haitian enby who is queer and asexual, I really needed this video. I'm most definitely never going to come out to my parents. I live in a very strict Pentecostal Haitian community. That will not end well. Thought I literally relate to almost all of this 😭
Humans are evolved to seek approval from their care-givers, because that connection of positivity has kept you alive from a newborn, it's survival. So it makes sense that even though you know your parents won't support you, you still look for that. That's why it's so important to have self-worth and self-compassion that you invest in. Continuously cheer yourself on, and congratulate yourself when things go well, be kind to yourself when they don't. And try and mark big milestones with people who really love you, and in ways that are meaningful to you.
I'm a black, queer, 18-year-old girl living with my Christian family has definitely taken its toll. I'm so ready to leave but it truly feels like I'll never reach financial independence unless I'm willing to sacrifice my sanity for a job I hate. There's also the feeling of constantly going back and forth wondering if I should stay in contact with my homophobic family because as flawed as they are they still provided me with a semi-stable upbringing. The guilt and shame that come with always considering my family's opinion and also being reliant on them for my basic necessities is exhausting. I can count on my friends to listen to me vent but they can never relate and it makes me feel like the only person on the planet.
I don't feel qualified to give you any advice, so I just wish you the best. I hope you'll find the path to your ideal life, with lots of people who love you for who you are.
I feel like I'm on the cusp of this myself. I'm ghanian American and queer snd feel like I need to come out so my dad can understand me but MAN. MAN.
I really hope things go well for you. I’d say take your time and do it if and when you feel is right❤️
Hey fellow (partly) Ghanaian enby here! 👋🏿
Bisexual Ghanaian here! I still live there as of right now and haven’t come out and honestly don’t plan to, id love for my parents to understand and accept me but they’re homophobic even if they don’t consider themselves such. Thankfully I’m going to uni in the us this year and can be myself, and hopefully find the butch lesbian of my dreams lol
You don't need to come out to him any time soon
Get your full independence and your career on track. Then make that decision about your family
@lemonpeels3937 yes please stall till you're abroad AND independent. Especially with the Anti-LGBT bill in Ghana, it's just not safe at all.
Im gay trans and Mexican and also 22 and im very lucky most of my family accepts me. I can’t imagine not having my family with me. When I first came out at 15 my dad took it very hard and we didn’t talk until like a year or two ago and I missed out so much on watching my sibling grow up. It’s hard but you can’t change who you are. You are who you are and you’re perfect. ❤️ if you ever need friends to talk to I’m here. :) I understand loneliness.
Thank you❤️I’m really happy you have a lot of your family, it’s what I want for every queer person out there
Saying that you trans following by you can't change who you are is funny
@@noneofyourbuizness not your name none of your business but stay minding other peoples business. Trans people don’t change who they are when they transition. All transitioning is is making the outside match the inside i am still the same person I was before I transitioned I just look more male.
@@noneofyourbuizness cute that you thought you ate that though when your plate was and stay empty
33, nb lesbian, Liberian. I have cut off my dad from all input on my gay life. I am so done with his sneak-dissing commentary on the entirety of my life. He has no idea how I live and my mom (super supportive of me being gay) actually offered for him to meet my wife at the end of the year. Guess what? My answer is going to be no because he told me that he will never meet my partner, the first time he learned that I was gay. I actually developed bipolar disorder from all the severe trauma of my coming out. If people only knew how much support is vital during an individuals coming out is important, I probably wouldn't be where I am at rn mentally. This is the reality that some people face when coming out as a person of color.
Coming from a strict Muslim Indian family (I'm atheist though), I really want to run away but I am so so scared of the society and how my family will be shunned. All I want is the freedom to work, wear the clothes I want, and get to choose who I get into a relationship with.
i’m an estranged, newly single lesbian. trying to take care of myself for once instead of everybody else.
sending you so much love!
You got this 🩷, from one lesbian to another
I'm a neurodivergent enby lesbian, and I appreciate the way you explain this. I'm still in contact with my parents, even though they were abusive all throughout my childhood and talking with them still usually makes me feel bad. I think some of my friends don't believe me when I mention the abuse, because they don't understand why I would still choose to spend time with my abusers. In reality, I'd prefer to just deal with the unpleasant holidays and conversations if it means I can keep their medical and financial safety net, at least until I have my own.
Everyone's situation is very different, and most people don't understand how complex and stressful this can be to navigate. I'm glad you are able to do the right thing for you, and I hope you continue to make your life better and better.
you are in a hostage situation
@@yakoozey2271 I mean… that’s a stark way to put it, but yeah. I also have to keep up a relationship with my incredibly abusive mother for the safety net. It absolutely feels like being a hostage.
@@Long_May_They_Raine girl, i've been there. 😭 I wish the best of luck to you all.
@@yakoozey2271 😭💖 ty.
Hey, I’m a 27 year old black transmac living in the UK. I totally relate, my family are of Jamaican decent and I have a large extended family. It was tough but like you I knew way before I came out, that anything LGBT would be a No-Go. Due to the long nhs waitlists I knew I had time, so I put everything into developing myself. When to uni and took a job far away from home, I’m also too independent for my own good, but is something I’m working on. As I recently need a small procedure which required a chaperone, so I need to lean on my friends.
My relationship with my family is very odd/dysfunctional. My mum is the only one I’m out to, she took it bad so I didn’t bother with anyone else. I’ve never had a good relationship with my father so it was always the plan to go no contact with him. Then extended family only tend to bother me when they need something. My mum is trying to come around but I think for right now it’s a little too late, I have a good support system around me and I’m not prepared to jump through hoops to mend the relationship.
I love that you’re pursuing your craft and I wish you all the best x
It`s good to see this video getting views and comments instead of the usual gender identity as entertainment channels. We can all relate to family problems. Eventually, we all have to leave.
Onyinye, thank you so much for making this video. I'm also British-Nigerian and since I heard your story a few years ago, I've always seen you as so incredibly brave.
I really relate to your experiences of realising that you're gonna have to cut off your family at such a young age. I was 11ish when I had that thought, and I told myself "what's the point of building a relationship with my family if they're just gonna disown me anyway?"
When i was 15, my mum found out about my ex-gf. My family members interrogated me until they found out who it was then they confiscated my phone and read through all my text messages between me and her. My mum said she'd disown me and put me i the care system if i was a lesbian. Looking back, I should've just gone. Maybe I would've escaped further abuse.
At the time I remember feeling like my whole world was crashing down. But as I got older (I'm 21 now) I realised that the "love" I received wasn't real. It was conditional. And if that's what my family's love looks like, then i don't want it at all. they can keep it. It also took me a while to realise that my family were abusive. and once i did, it wasn't difficult to consider cutting them off.
i also feel like i see my sexuality as some sort of back-up plan. im currently biding my time until i leave for good, but there has to be a reason why i leave, right? so if the reason is "my mum is disowning me cause i like girls" and not "im not speaking to my family anymore because they were abusive" then the 'pressure' is on her, not me.
I also cant express how frustrating it is to not be validated by the person who hurt you. Sometimes its to the point where it genuinely concerns me cause im like...are you not seeing this?! It took me a while to realise that people will have different opinions, values and beliefs, but I know my truth and I'm going to stick to it.
Wow I relate so so much to your story and I’m really sorry that you’ve gone through all of this. It’s so hard especially when your family can’t even see how much hurt they’ve caused you. I really hope everything goes okay for you and please don’t hesitate to message me if you need any advice or you just want to talk
@@onyinyea thank you, that means a lot :)
Thanks for sharing, I relate to so much of what you shared @@planetvnusI'm Igbo, and also queer, and currently estranged, except for the opposite reason you which is "i'm not speaking to my family anymore because they were abusive" and you're right, there isn't as much pressure because they just get validation from group think with other dysfunctional adults, and in my case, church community people. They have no idea I'm queer and in my head, that is a more justified reason for me to be abandoned, the common theme is perceived shame and they don't perceive homophobia as something to be ashamed of, but perceive being a bad parent as a point of concern which isn't the case...they just never learned to parent. My healing shouldn't be a threat to their identity and sense of self, but somehow, it is. It's really strange.
I am jamaican and queer. I waited until i moved to canada in my early 30s to come out to my mother and she made it seem like i am going through a phase or doing it for attention. I am 39 now and I feel our relationship will never be how i need it to be, but as you said, it never was. So i am happy to at least no longer have that secret weighing me down. I found so much of what you said relatable, thank you for sharing. I hate that you are experiencing this, but i also feel less alone knowing others know how it feels
from one black estranged queer adult to another: sending you soo much love ❤
Woah.. "All the time I had with my cousins and my family was tinted with the knowledge that it wouldn't be like that forever, and it was going to change in a bad way" hit really hard. I wonder what that did to you as a child -- knowing that any semblance of safety was ephemeral and conditional. Hearing you explain it like that opened up something inside me that I didn't even know was there. Thank you for sharing and really looking forward to more videos!
I'm a black American genderqueer human and I'm so glad I found your channel. You're doing so great and give yourself some credit! Also being so close to getting top surgery is so exciting, SUPER excited for you ❤ I've been a month on testosterone and it feels amazing - yay to affirmative care!! Take care and I'm sending you my love 💓
T changed my life, it gave me a reason to live again. I am so happy you’re able to access hrt and I hope that never changes for you 🥰
ive never related to a youtube video more than this one. the “knowing your whole relationship will be different once they know” thing has been following me since i was 11 and i haaate it. also just constantly feeling like i have to prove myself since i know for sure they will be disappointed by me being gay. ive been trying to emotionally distance myself from my family more even though i still live with them. i am just waiting to move out of the homophobic country i live in when i get to uni and then maybe deal with coming out after. i dont want this to turn into a vent, but you put a lot of my feelings into words and i am glad I am not alone. thank you
im in the exact situation as u , and i hope we both find peace in our life eventually.
I see there are lot of people in the same boat as me and you. It sucks now trying to navigate a community ad family that won't accept us but I know we'll all be ok. Best of wishes.
💜✨ sending love and support twin
im the same way. since i was 11. ive always been fearing the inevitability of them knowing. i always tell myself i must become successful and have no issues right out of the house, because i dint want to suffer the shame of coming out and having any sort of life problems. whenever i annoy my family, i think of how embarassing itd be to ask them for the favor of accepting me when im such a stupid kid. i really dont feel the security that my family will accept me despite what i do that so many other people have
this. i've known since elementary school that my feelings were different, and after growing and coming to terms with being bi, i knew that nothing would be the same once my family found out. i started off incredibly closed off emotionally because i wanted to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, but in recent years i've been trying to reconnect with my parents and grow closer while closeted in the hopes that things will be different. i don't know what will happen, but it's haunted me ever since i came out to myself and it always hurt to see parent-child bonds that i know i may never have
Hey Sib, an haitian immigrant gay woman living in Montreal. I feel this in so many levels. The isolation is real. I don't have that much family in this country and I don't have that much support from them. I'm quite hyperindependant too and let go of the idea that my famiy can or will do something for me.
I've also tried for years to connect to the BIPOC Queer community here and it's a bit of a mindfuck because I found that community or those communal spaces quite toxic. There is a lot of toxicity, predatory behavior, nepotism, lack of integrity and accountability. There is a social hierarchy, a social norm already establish and if you don't conform they make you feel unwelcome, try to intimidate or bully you. It's very highschoolish, very immature. So it's all up to me too. Keep your head up.
Sorry to hear you had those experiences and encountered those types of spaces.
Hoping the best for you
As a queer nb Haitian in ottawa, I relate to this a lot, though because I still live at home, I haven't had a lot of interaction with the BIPOC queer community. But the feeling of being all on my own is one I struggle with but knowing there is at least others out there like me is really soothing thank you for sharing your experience
I'm nb transmasc and can relate a lot to the desire for approval despite knowing I'll never get it! My parents reacted very poorly to my coming out (twice, neither of which went well at all) and have since decided it never happened. I see them rarely, and each time I have this hope that someday they'll come around or finally give me the love that I crave so desperately. But they don't. Not in the way I need it, anyway. So all of our interactions have this very sad feeling overlaying them.
One thing my parents told me was that other people would only pretend to love me and wouldn't support me if they knew. What helped me heal a little was finding people that truly loved and supported me anyway. The ache of not having your parents support never goes away, but I think it can be helped at least a little by connecting, loving and being loved by those around us.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you know you are not alone in the slightest ❤️
“The support I think I’m going to get from her, it just doesn’t exist.” ouch. that one hit really close to home. i’m ND and nonbinary and relate to a lot of what you’re saying.
I was not kicked out, but sometimes.... it makes me think it would have made some things easier. Short term maybe?
Because my family has been emotionally slowly killing me for the past 20 years of my life. And while my mom somewhat came around (she barely talks to me anyways), my dad just recently said he won't be speaking to me (for reasons unrelated to being queer but still). Which honestly has been a huge blessing. I was constantly made fun of, put down. I was completely unable to function normally and I had no idea why. The moment I was confronted with the reality of loosing the financial support of my father, and possibly my safety and security he.... so "graciously" provided for me..... I was almost instantly set free, and I still struggle, because now the problem has shifted on me having to find stability FAST before they completely kick me out, but now I see that if I left earlier I would have saved YEARS of contemplating s*****e.
The hard truth for me is that I lost my family as soon as I came out as queer, because that was the "condition" of their love I broke. No matter how hard we both tried to fight for it I guess, this is the reality of the situation. I honestly never really had a family, it was always like this, I was always abandoned when I didn't meet the standards.
Thank you for this. I'm African too, my background is Ghanaian. I identify as being queer, but it took me a long time to accept it. I live with my family and I feel like I'm masking. I've been in one relationship with someone who identified as being NB trans masc, I didn't know how difficult it would be for my mother to accept that. I didn't realize how closed off my family would be.
I hope to live a life where I can be more fluid in my gender expression, and open with the people that I date. But I don't know how that'll work. It's such a big part of our lives, and it would be nice to share. I hope we find peace.
Thank you for sharing.
Hey fellow (part) Ghanaian enby here…
It’s def difficult… I went no contact with my fam and I guess for me it was easier because there was never really much support of any kind there :-/
I’m African American and estranged from my family because of toxic family dynamics. It took me years to grieve the loss of those relationships and the mother that I wanted but never had. It is a process to allow love and support into your life, especially when it’s been so very conditional in the past. I’m so glad that you have supportive people around you. Give yourself time and grace. You are unlearning a lifetime of conditioning. ❤
Gay artist here, just watched your video as I worked on my own project contributing towards a life of self sufficiency, thanks for sharing your story and struggles, loneliness is hard.
estrangement is so...tough. having come back in contact with family after being no contact, it's almost harder to accept the ways in which they will never see me even as i am right before their eyes -- harder to accept that there is a notion of family that we may never come to realize for reasons that stem within us and beyond us. a great book to read is "abolish the family: a manifesto for care and liberation" by sophie lewis. i think it will speak to you and empower you as well.
thank you for sharing your experience and this video! wishing you joy and rest and hoping that isn't cat pee in the scarf!
Queer Haitian American here to send you lots and lots of love. Thank you for sharing and I know this is just the beginning of the beautiful story of how you prosper and find a life of ease fulling being yourself.💚💚💚
I can relate to a lot of this. My mom doesn’t really even have an issue with my queerness, she’s just extremely clumsy with trying to understand it. The issue is that in my family love has always felt conditional. That there’s an image and a type of person I’m supposed to be and it’s shameful to veer from that. And frankly they just don’t really seem to care. I’ve visited them out of the blue, for no reason, just to say hi. No one calls. No one sends me more than the occasional generic greeting card which they view as a social obligation.
At some point I wonder what’s even for me there other than them simply being people I’ve known my whole life. There’s lots of people I’ve known. And when they quit staying in touch so do I. And I guess I feel like the same is the case with my family, I just don’t want to put the effort in for them. Not when I don’t get it back.
I am not black, but I will say that I really resonate with a lot of what you’ve said as a queer woman was was raised in the Mormon Church. I am estranged from my family, and that loneliness eats away at me sometimes. It’s just nice for me to know that there are people who are like me out there, even though we are different. Your video has changed my day for the better.
This video has been so helpful to me. I’m Lebanese & trans and if I transition I will lose my entire family and community i love. The rare queer person in my community either steps away with their accepting parents or stays closeted forever. I never imagined it’d be possible for me to come out and live to adulthood; Seeing you made me realize for the 1st time that, although difficult, it is possible.
So ty for this video and I truly wish the best for you and your future❤️
Breaks my heart that you had to spend so much of the video validating others so as to minimise backlash to yourself when you're the one struggling. Oh sweet baby I'm so sorry. I'm not trans but I grew up with a narcissistic family and had to break from them and I know what it is like to have nobody. If it means anything, I'm proud of you for sharing
I’m an intersex girl from Guyana South America (negro decendants of slaves) grew up in Brixton south London in the 90’s I can utterly and completely relate the pain does get better with time and therapy but it never goes away just focus on loving yourself and making sure you know that YOU are good enough YOU are whole and YOU Deserve love. The truth is they are beneath you and undeserving of you the very lesson god gave them as a GIFT they threw away… please remember that(!) I am so proud of you I’m sending you all my love and healing, have the best possible day today beautiful. 🌞🌞🌞🙏🏿
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice, I really appreciate it. Have a wonderful day❤️
Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm so grateful this video popped up in my recommended. I'm a 1st generation American lesbian from a Jamaican household; estranged as well. It is challenging to experience the loss that comes with estrangement from family and community. I was never close with my family, to begin with, and despite having mourned, early on, the connection that could have been, being excommunicated seemed to cement that kind of void. I don't know if that makes any sense. I have to say I'm both inspired by and proud of you for recognizing that you have to allow yourself to trust in your new support system and found family.
I'm 28 now, and that sense of hyperindependence, of having to do everything on my own hasn't quite left me. It's the strangest sensation to be supported and cared for by others and to have that care offered to me, let alone asking for help. I'm learning that we co-create our realities, and I'm committed to learning how to love (the verb) and how to receive love (the noun).
🐢🌻
Hey Onyine! I'm from the same background as you and also from the UK! I'm transfem and cut contact with my parents for a couple months now, and it's been really tough. I hadn't started my transition before I left because I left for different reasons. But I very much understand your experience and I'm very grateful to you for sharing it! :) I've been searching really hard for others like us who come from a similar background and I'm soo happy that I've stumble upon your channel today. It's made me feel like I'm not alone in the world... So thank you! :))
Changing your body is not the solution to bad feelings :/
@@intrusive-th0t Giving your unsolicited opinion is not going to change my mind :P
@@Neroadvocate nobody said it would be easy to learn to stop hating yourself 🤷♀️ but the payoff is better than anything body modification can get you
Hey 👋🏿
Just wanted to say hi as I’m a transfem enby too and part Ghanaian
It’s so wonderful see our community, even if only online
@@slickandslaycious6579 I agreee!! :))
I relate to a certain extent I am not gay but I empathise with the estrangement aspect and it’s so hard growing up Nigerian and having that severed it’s tough it’s like actively morning until you find a new family. Therapy has helped a lot for me.
Yeah it really is like a different type of mourning :/ I’m sorry that you can relate to this. I can really see that I need therapy to be able to process a lot of this stuff and I’m glad it’s helped you
I relate to what you're sharing around the catholic community, I grew up catholic and Igbo too, born in Nigeria, moved to the US as a teenager, and learned about queerness later than you did, and it has been the #1 source of fear for me. Catholicism, especially evangelical catholicism played a huge role in what informed my family dynamics and so much of my childhood trauma which I saw at the time as love and community care, absolutely awful time period or me..but I did learn to mask early and look happy at almost all times.
I'm currently estranged and there's a huge part of me that's holding onto the fact that I know my family will not be able to come around in terms of understanding the abuse I experienced, that is relieved so I don't have to come out to them, because they're extremely homophobic. The dysfunctional group think dynamics, pressure to conform and codependency/seeing everything the same is so harmful and reinforces the unfamiliar as inherently bad, using fear mongering tactics of isolation and othering to keep everyone in line. It's so abusive, so much of my childhood trauma is rooted in religious abuse.
So, in a way, being estranged, while bittersweet is definitely a reminder that it's on them to move the needle, and rise up to the standards I have set, not on me to prove anything or beg for their approval. In a world where my family was more functional/able to hold space for my healing, maybe that would also mean they would be able to see my queerness as neutral or even positive (because I love me enough to be me), rather than as evil because of their fear of the unfamiliar. One is a litmus test for how safe I would be sharing the other.
I also love that you're knitting, I'm just learning to knit, it's very cool.
White, UK, disabled. I tried to build found family. I struggled because of autism and attachment trauma. The ones I did manage to gather round me fell away like tissue paper when my abusive nesting partner relationship fell apart. My family were also pretty toxic when I had to live with them while getting back on my feet. We now have a decent arrangement where I'm independent enough that the relationship can be healthy, while still relying on them for physical care. The whole process left me feeling very hopeless and net-less at the time. But my parents were still *a* net. They caught me enough that I'm now finally doing well again. I can't imagine how much worse it could be if I didn't have them. I don't know if I would physically be able to eat and shower etc. Social care *should* be the safety net for people in my situation, but they're convinced that dishes aren't part of cooking, laundry isn't part dressing, etc, so they've refused to provide care thus far.
I don't know if I have a point exactly? I guess that I'm a counter example that proves the rule so to speak, because I do not know what would have happened to me if I'd been fully estranged rather than lightly estranged. And disability is something that can effect anyone at any time. And it's really something that crystallises your dependence on other people in a way that can't be avoided. The what ifs still terrify me. Like swerving short of a cliffs edge. How close was I to poverty, to street homelessness, to institutionalisation, to drug addiction, to death? What would have happened to me if I hadn't had that net? Would I have found a way? Would I be in pure agony due to cold induced pain from my condition? Would I still be with my ex? Would he have driven me to some kind of breaking point, the kind that would land me dead or in jail?
But none of that happened because I had family
Shit is scary man. Need to fing fix the social security net.
I’m not Black, in the closet, and I’m old enough to be your mother. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting that approval from the people, who despite not knowing/accepting all of you, have at this point known you the longest and the most intimately. Wanting that approval doesn’t mean you’re not grateful or mistreating the people who are giving you support now. You may learn to accept them as they are and it’s not required to live a good life. As you get older, you will find different values that are very separate from the ones you started out with (ie. The ones from your family and community) and that need for their approval will shrink but honestly, will probably never disappear; it doesn’t need to because you’ll probably always retain the really important good stuff that helped you form your identity and values
Coming from both an immigrant community as well as a religious one and then losing support from them is incredibly traumatic. Some of the stuff you’ve mentioned sounds really similar to some of the things I’ve heard people that have been excommunicated/shunned by their religious communities (I’m in the US so Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Amish immediately come to mind) but most of them are white and lack the racialized aspect of being a very visible minority and I get how those experiences may not be as resonant from that perspective
I wish the best for you and your journey ❤
I’m autistic. I had a difficult time allowing myself to entertain the idea that I was queer for a number of reasons growing up. But even so, I always had this pervasive feeling while I was at church that this was not My community. I was just passing through, even though it took an entire childhood to pass through it. I never felt more alien than I did every Sunday at church.
My partner is estranged from their birth family, for reasons unrelated to their queerness. They also very much struggle with grasping all of what it means to live life without the support of a birth family in any way. There are so many layers to it. I am glad to include them in my birth family, but I know it’s not the same for them. Nothing can really replace what was estranged.
It is a deeply ingrained instinct to turn towards our childhood caregivers or parents for things like approval and validation. It is not surprising at all that you have those feelings, still. My partner does as well.
I’m really glad to have stumbled upon your channel. Subscribed! I crochet, myself. Knitting hurts my wrist. Your work is so lovely!
Your video popped up on my timeline, and I already related to it by the title. After watching the video, I could relate to you in almost everything about family. As a brazilian bisexual Black guy who grew up in a catholic family, I know how lonely the journey can be, even when you're surrounded by people who have similar struggles or who tell you that you can rely on them. But I always felt good knowing that everything heals with time. Thanks for sharing your story, and I wish you all the best
Thank you for making this. Im just laying here feeling like love is a cruel memory. And it's nice to feel like I'm not the only one. Obviously, very sad I'm not the only one. But the bitter ache in my heart for literally anything to be even slightly different is such a heavy thing to look at and hold on this day
Though it’s hard - I’m so happy you’re taking the time to fully develop yourself. I wish I was as grown as you at the same age. I come from a Caribbean background and had a similar religious and socially conservative upbringing. There’s expecting certain responses before coming out and even if you play it in your head (hoping for better) it still hurts when the rejection becomes real. I hope you’re able to continue finding more chosen family to that the loneliness doesn’t feel quite as hard and eventually fades. ❤
i didn’t realise i was going to relate to so many parts of this video?? (my family’s christian and west african, grew up in/around birmingham, miss my community but also knowing it came w conditions i can’t meet, being hyper independent). it’s still only to an extent, and in some ways im still lucky and recognise that, but im going to also try and remind myself i can and should rely on the friends and community i’ve built and give myself more grace. this video was really eye-opening in the sense that im not used to seeing others experience v similar upbringings and feelings abt it, thank you for sharing🫶🏾
Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you relate to a lot of this but I hope we can both find the community we deserve ❤️
you're so beautiful, and your energy is so gentle. listening to your voice gave me a sort of peace. thank you for sharing your story...
Air hug to you and to anyone who feels that way or similiar!
You have such beautiful energy, thanks for sharing your story. I can so relate, I'm not queer but I can relate to the insecruity that comes with the precariousness of African parental "love" and how so much of this "love" is often attached to the condition that you won't disappoint them or embarrass them. And knowing that at any point you could lose their "love" and support if your life deviates from their expectations. It is quite a profound thing to think about the level of social insecurity this creates. Thanks for sharing!
My family is tolerant of my queerness but they don't support me financially and emotionally, I feel like I have to work my ass off and for nothing, I've been considering leaving home but I have nowhere to go
When I was 20, I went NC with my father (unrelated to my sexuality/gender) and lost the entire section of that family as well in 24 hours. Now that I'm almost 30, I feel significantly better because ive been forced to reach out to outside communities and the idea of my father crushing my pride/accomplishments down like he did my entire life is laughable to even think about. Reaching out to others has shown me I'm allowed to be who I am, be respected as a human, and still retain my cultural heritage.
It's incredibly difficult, but learning how to open your heart again and giving it time will make this process less painful. I'm at a point in my healing where I dont even remember he exists and when I do, I honestly feel sorry for him. I've managed to build a career, get married, buy a house, get promotions, and survive many years without his "help" and he doesn't even know it. You'll get there too, it just hurts a lot unfortunately.
wow that’s a lot to go through but hearing this gives me a lot of hope. I’m so happy you were able to build a life separate to that. Thank you for sharing :)
@@onyinyeaOf course, a good thing to remember is that you are not the first person in your family nor ethnicity to be queer. You have a seat at the table and are allowed to take up space whether your family likes it or not.
Stay strong, and good luck ❤
did u move out at 20?
@@sekischro5093 I moved out of my mother's place at 21 when I met my spouse. I never lived with my father but he was constantly in and out of my life when he felt it was convenient for him.
Wishing you the best I hope your close knit community only continues to grow
it's so good and beautifully strong and vulnerable of you to be talking about this. thank you. just wanting everyone to know that it's okay and that there are safe spaces-- seeing a video like this is so helpful especially with the raging amount of lgbt and especially anti-trans and genderqueer legislation and rhetoric that has been pushed as of late
I really enjoyed doodling along as I listened. I loved this video and i wish people would make more videos where they craft “with” you.
more coming up❤️
Just so you don’t feel lonely, I’m not queer or lgbt but my family also stranged me for being less than perfect. Some people only want a poster family, and are not really looking for a real connection or understanding, so losing them really doesn’t mean much, at least it shouldn’t mean much to you. Finding a no-blood family can be difficult, but it can bring all the positive aspects of family without the "related" toxicity. Sometimes the drama is in the bloodline, no kidding. And sometimes the best thing that can happen to you is to get away from them. You’ll be fine, you’ll find your people, be patient, I know it feels unfair but it’s just the sad reality for many of us who are rejected by our own families. It can feel like this terrible thing is happening to you, but I assure you, it will be the best thing to happen to you later on you life. Stay strong and beautiful! Love the knitting ❤
Not me randomly clicking on this video while knitting a blanket and finding you knitting as well ❤❤❤❤
I'm so glad I found your video. I've gone no contact with my family and I've not met someone yet who has articulated how I feel. Feels like everyone around me has at least one supportive family member, or well enough and I'm happy for them, but it makes me so angry and lonely for myself. This is a good video to go back to, to remind myself that I can't go back and it isn't safe to. Like you said, rosy glasses, and what I need isn't there. But I want it. I wish you well on your continued journey. Thank you for sharing, will be looking at your other content.
I'm with you. I'm estragend from both sides of my family. As someone who is also Queer and Black, my heart goes out to you. I, too, was at first looking through rose-colored glasses, though apart from the lack of acceptance, my parents and brother are abusive and emotionally immature. It hurts. But eventually we find our chosen family and community. Much love ❤
i could listen to you talk for hours. your voice is a blessing
Wow, thank you
i'm glad this was recommended to me!! it was lovely listening to you as i could relate so much to all of this. it made me feel less alone
Hey family. I’m a queer Ghanaian raised in the states. I relate so hard to what you said when you said, “Even though i really do feel this loss of community it was kind of community that I never fully had to begin with. Like This community always came with a set that I never met to begin with a i knew that if i wanted to have a full life, a happy life, that i was going to have to let go of this thing that i could never really have anyway.” I am so glad i found you through Instagram. It’s so hard to find other queer Africans and the loneliness and isolation definitely hits you for sure when you become estranged and i relate heavily to hyperindependence and not wanting to ask for help because of us being taught that only our family will be around. My father quite literally used to say “Out of the thousands that love you, 99 percent of them hate you”
im so so sorry you are going through all that. hope u can heal and that things go better and better for u. im so glad that u have a good support system and found family around u, because u do deserve the best. blood family being the only people u can rely on is definitely not true at all and i wish modern society would finally abolish the nuclear family because its just so toxic.
even tho i cant relate to ur experience completely, being gay and part of asian diaspora in a western country i can relate to the loneliness and isolation aspects in some sense. even tho these feelings probably never completely disappear, i do hope u can minimise them and that things go well for u in the future. thank u so much for being vulnerable and sharing parts ur story!! 💜💜
Thank you for sharing, you really helped someone tonight :)
I really enjoyed listening to you speak ❤ I’m glad you’re getting support from others and really hope your art goes big places
Your voice is really soothing and you speak so eloquently! I hope your surgery goes smoothly :)
This was so inspiring, you're such an amazing and strong person and I'm so proud of you. I admire your courage and confidence so much. I'm so happy you now have the people you deserve around you. Keep going xxxx
oooh ive seen your art on twitter what a lovely surprise to see you here too
Onyinye, this was a wonderful video. Thank you for sharing your experience. It hits home for many. I hope your top surgery gets funded, and that you have a happy and love-filled life!
Thank you for sharing your story, showing courage and grace, I’m still accepting this very thing myself, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart🖤
i really appreciate this video, thank you for sharing your story. even though it's very different to mine i still resonate with it and feel seen and heard in a way i don't often get to. i hope things start getting better going forward ❤
I really appreciate you vocalizing this and posting it. I can't speak to or relate to everything that you've been through but as a queer nb, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I was raised in a strict LDS family where I never fit in and wouldn't have been accepted, and I've always had to rely on myself for everything as well. It's hard wanting support and not getting it from family. I'm sorry that you had to go through that and I wish you the best 🫶
Beautiful commentary. I left my community about 10 years ago and I still feel all of this all the time. What you said about how you can't work your way to everything, you also have to trust, that hit hard. Its a lesson I am still trying to learn. My programming is just to do it all myself, but I know thats not the way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and insights. ❤
I'm a university student studying therapy and counselling and I must say that I've been largely oblivious to information about the POC experience, especially outside of North America and Asia. Thank you so much putting this video and experience out, it helps people like me who have lived a rather insular life understand these experiences a little better, regardless if that was the intention. I hope your well and your future is bright 💚
I went through a really similar path and I really struggle to open up to people now. Thank you for sharing this. It helps, feeling understood and less alone.
Wishing you the best!!!
You have a wonderful voice! Navigating being unable to go no contact with an abusive parent.
Good luck with top surgery! I want one sm too 🥰
Telling your parents your achievements despite knowing they won’t give you what you need, is so deeply relatable.
I don’t know you at all but you are wonderful and I want to be in these spaces with people like you forever. This video was so impactful for me, thank you.
sending so many hugs from an estramged queer person in Berlin. I am 32 now. I still feel the same feels you're discussing in this video. It's not that life gets easier but is that we get better at living in it. One thing Ill say tho is there is no such thing as successful people, only supported people. ask and find support. it's essential. u cant do this alone, and you're not !
This video was recommended by TH-cam and I wanted to leave a comment to express support 💜
I'm white and still see my family regularly so I know our experiences are quite different, but I do relate to losing a very close church community upon coming out. Even with family, finding a replacement for that kind of larger, supportive community is extremely difficult. I've found joining local knitting circles helpful, as they often have older people who are thrilled to see a young person carrying on the craft and they tend to be very welcoming and supportive. I also just find it easier to talk to people if I have my knitting in my hands, and being able to talk to experienced fiber artists about what I'm making helps me to open up about other things too and start building communty. If you can find a queer knitting circle, that's even better as far as community support goes.
Sending you support and hope for a tighter-knit (pun intended) community to grow around you 💜
happy i found ur channel as as a lesbian korean american. dont feel comfortable sharing lots of personal information online but do i feel that disconnect w family. i hope we all feel a sense of community ❤
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I'm black bisexual with a black bisexual spouse my family completely dismisses us because they've only seen me with men and my spouse appears male gendered and they see my spouse as gay. Already being bisexual is hard in all spaces including the LGBT community. I'm trying to work things out but not allowing myself to not be seen. I don't know how religion fits in your life but as an atheist I feel like religion mostly is toxic
I don’t have any personal experience of transitioning, so I’ve found listening to the experiences of you and fellow trans people, like my friends very valuable. I hope your parents come along and see the amazing, intependent, inspiring person you’ve become. Really. I dropped a little donation to help you with your goal. All the best
your video randomly popped up in my feed - you have a beautiful smile
Thank you
Donated! Keep your head up you are terrific.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with the world ❤ Through this video I have found you and your art, and even though we have different life experiences, it has touched me deeply. I can't wait to see more!
Thank you for watching :)
Hey I really appreciate you sharing your experience and am glad your able to keep yourself going
I’m a transfem enby and half Ghanaian and have basically gone no contact with my family too… for me it helps having friends and being apart of other communities, even if only for a little while (or once in a while)…
It can be tricky to find real emotional connections anywhere, but if you keep at it you’ll find your space
You seem like such a lovely person and have such a soothing energy! I love your art and you and your partner are adorable together!!
Thank you :)
Hey you seem like such a beautiful human being; lately I've been really sad because I'm 18 and just came out as trans to my parents. I don't live with my mom and she's ok with it, though not super supportive, she said she wasn't shocked because she had always thought something was wrong about how I expressed my gender as a kid, and I most definitely agree, being a girl never felt right to me.
My dad on the other hand flipped out, he degraded me for half an hour calling me disgusting, immoral, that people would have to play pretend with me, that I'll never be a real man etc (keep in mind I told my boyfriend about a week after I was thinking about it but took me 6 months to come out to my parents because I was so scared). I asked for an apology about 2 weeks later saying that he can think what he wants but it was wrong for him to insult and degrade me; he told me he would never apologize and that he would never recognize me as anything else, that I am living a lie.
My dad was one of my best friends as a kid but as I grew older red flags started to pop up as I became more left wing (now socialist) vs my parents conservative ideologies. My dad hates my boyfriend because he's bisexual, my dad's never respected me as AFAB, but I can't even talk to him anymore because of how much he hurt me. A few days ago when I was about to ki** myself I had a dream where I met the voice in my head, the man in my mind, and was reassured that no matter what society did to hurt me I would always be a man, and no one can take that away from me. If I wait for another life to be the man I've always hidden from the world, it wouldn't be me, there is only one me and I shouldn't wait to die before I live the life I want to live.
I haven't been able to talk to my dad for months; I just can't as I start to realize my gender expression more and more everyday. I still live with him but run upstairs to my room as soon as I get home because I can't bare to talk to him, for him to judge me. Now I am alone with no friends, and literally all of my family disbanded. Luckily I still have my boyfriend, enjoying college, and I started taking my anti depressants again. I just wish things would change fast; I can't stand how much people hate queer people.
Good people and places are out there. I hope you'll find them sooner rather than later.
awww, I'm sorry that you're living in such a difficult situation with your parents
Hi Onyinye, thanks for this video. I’m experiencing similar struggles with my Nigerian family and I want to thank you for creating the environment for queer Nigerians/Africans to find each other through your video. I feel so isolated, and it is healing to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I can go on and on rambling about this but my point is, again: thank you
Also donated to your fund as soon as I saw your Nigerian name, as a fellow queer Nigerian ❤
i relate so much
i'm currently closeted and its so stiffling feeling how conditional my family are. even they say they'll always love me, once they find out who i am, that won't be the case and it hurts so much
I'm a 18 year old gay Jamaican trans man who was "forced" to come out to my family because they invaded my privacy and I haven't been able to have a genuine relationship with them since. I had to pretend I was still their daughter before they even spoke to me again. Hearing how much you've struggled because you left your family kinda scares me. I don't want to conform and it exhausts me everyday but I know that I won't have an education and achieve financial freedom on my own if I lived as who I really was. Thank you for sharing your story ❤
I cant bear to watch this but I will leave some words and a like cuz i appreciate finding this
If you are lonely I hope you find supportive people who you can genuinely engage with and support as well.
Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for sharing this...
Hey Onyinye it's good to see a fellow African. I would say I can't imagine but I definitely can. Glad you're still here. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for sharing ❤
it’s so confusing when the people who you are biologically programmed to see as your protectors do anything but fulfill that role you’ll always seek out of them to some degree. black gendery thing here who’ll find themselves cutting ties with both parents and never looking back by next month. if you can do it and survive then I can too.
I'm a colombian bisexual trans man and my situation with my family in regards to my queerness has been a hellhole to say the least. I'm basically the family's treasure until anything related to that comes out (pun not intended). I'm still unable to go live somewhere that isn't my parents's house, and I'm dependent on them despite not wanting to (and I'm working towards fixing that). I really felt you when you talked about the love your family gave you and how lonely it was knowing that it wouldn't last because of that one thing you did wrong. It's refreshing to hear experiences similar to mine from time to time, and it both hurts and gives me hope knowing that we're all fighting for that goal of finding a place to belong, to live a better life and feel safe. I truly wish you and everyone else commenting and sharing their experiences here the best. :))
As a Middle Eastern lesbian, I resonate deeply with your story. I think my father is realizing that I’m gay, recently, mainly because of how I rejected all marriage proposals. I can’t come out. The fear of being disowned lingers, especially as the eldest. Sacrificing my own happiness feels bearable knowing my siblings rely on me. Perhaps love will find me in another life. Despite it all, my family remains my anchor in this sea of lostness and uncertainty. I’ll donate with whatever I can I hope it helps. Good luck on your surgery.
R u Saudi ?
@@eypu999 nope Emirati