My mom was a nurse who ended up getting hurt on her job. Needed back surgery and got hooked on percs then went to heroin. I think its cool to share your story. Best of luck. Im also in recovery.
It has to be frightening for anyone in recovery and sober to be told they need surgery and will need to take painkillers for a period of time afterwards. There are some surgeries, like a knee or hip replacement, that need narcotics for 6 or so weeks just to make the recovery and physical therapy tolerable.
I am a nurse who got addicted after spine surgery and was intervened on at a hospital I worked at. That was 2006. I've been sober except for 2 more spinal surgeries. Now I'm 69 and in constant pain. I'm sober now but hurt all the time. Good for you and prayers for you. Keep on, sir.
If you took the opiates as prescribed after surgery, you were still sober. Are you able to see a pain specialist that can prescribe Suboxone or Zubsolv (buprenorphine and naloxone combo) so you get the narcotic pain relief without the euphoria? Suboxone is available as a once per month extended relief injection and you can take stronger opiates (lorcet, Percocet, etc) with the injection, but the naloxone in the injection completely blocks the euphoria but provides a decent amount of pain relief.
I was meant to see this today! I have been in recovery for a while now, and the lies are the absolute worst! The majority of my guilt stems from the lies that just got so ridiculous. Its been a huge challenge so far. Thank you for posting this video!!❤
It’s always good to know that we aren’t alone. That’s where most of my guilt comes from as well. I now see all the lies I told as an opportunity to learn and better myself today! We can be the best versions of ourselves BECAUSE we are so familiar with being the wrong version of ourselves! I wish you the best in your journey 🙏 Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me ❤️❤️
Yeah the lying that comes with anger & gaslighting is the worst. You know shit is going down but they treat you like you're crazy, mean, dumb, trying to control their life etc etc etc. I don't know how many times I said 'if you're making my life worse, I'm not going to ignore it.' Thank goodness we are out of it now but it was really terrible. They think they're so clever but they're a caricature of a bot.
Brutal. As tough and regretful as those moments were, I'm sure it's no easy task to talk about them in any circumstance, let alone, on here. I know they're two different levels, but i remember very vividly asking to "borrow" money, sometimes begging, so i could get a drink. I remember stealing from grocery stores so my friends and i could get wasted. So many lies and so many broken promises. I really had to come clean with myself a few years ago. I had the worst alcohol withdrawal of my life, my phone was in my hand with 911 dialed, just needed to push the green call button. After days of struggle and sweat and zero sleep, i had lost 10 lbs, i was weak, and i needed a change. I cut everything out of my life, even people a little bit. I worked out, i made routines, i ate better, but maybe most importantly, i got honest with myself. I looked really deep inward, asked myself the hard questions, and came out a different person. Im still me, but im kinder, more patient, and put communication first in all relationships. Sometimes even annoyingly so lol. Just wanted to share that tidbit since you opened up so freely. I think its important that we all do that. Also Roger came to see me at Steamers the other night with his brother. It was hilarious and fun. No Charlie Daniels requests though. Little Feat are also awesome. I slept on them for far too long. Love ya dude, so glad you're making these. Now im gonna go sub to your music channel
Oh shit I had no idea you went through it that bad. Thanks for sharing. That’s crazy because I didn’t even know that but I recognized that you’ve been a noticeably sweeter and more awesome person over the last few years. Not that you weren’t before, but something in your vibe noticeable changed at some point to an even more awesome version of yourself. So much love for you always
Hello 👋 Making promises to yourself is basically being your own parent..the pride knowing you are taking responsibility for yourself is immense! Understand completely. Well done and keep going 🎉
So true! Just found your channel and really enjoying your authentic narratives and sharing. Thank you so much! We are all wanderers and explorers in this life. What a gift to share it.
I resonate with this so much. I can never put the words together myself, but I felt every inch of this. I am also a recovering addict with a very very similar story to yours. I also find that the hardest thing to overcome at this point in (3 years), is accepting the things that I did in my addiction and how I hurt everyone who cared about me. I also feel like I’ve put my time in and “proven” myself and then some to everyone. It’s a true gut punch when I’ve done all the hard work, gone out of my way to show them I’ve changed and proven it 100%. Way more than anyone would ask of them in the same situation. I’ve learned now that it’s risking my sobriety to keep trying to prove this so hard and getting so agitated when people only see me for my past. At this point, take it or leave it. You don’t trust me, you don’t have a place in my very small circle. I’m doing this for me and I’ll be proud of and true to my own self 🎉 you’ve got a good thing going here, keep at it!
Thank you so much for sharing that. That’s really when I found the strength to change. When I realized that I had to do it for me. I was always trying to prove myself to others and my motivation came from the desire to make up for my past mistakes. Once I shifted to caring for myself first, everything changed and, ironically, I was better able to show up for others. You are on the right track. I appreciate you so much ❤️❤️
I gotta say, I really appreciate these videos. I’ve never dealt personally with the struggles of being an addict, but my dad was one for a good majority of my life. The lies, the manipulation, it was all so frustrating. But learning more about the mind of an addict, helps me with understanding my dad more and his struggles in life. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you for sharing that! It can be harder for the people around the addict than for the addict themselves at times because of exactly what you said. You don’t know what to do, how you can help, what is and isn’t true, how badly you are being manipulated. It is so so confusing and difficult. I know this happened with the people who cared about me. I’m glad that these videos can be helpful in some way. I really appreciate your comment. 🙏
Wow, your story about the drug test with your ex wife broke my heart. The last time ever that I used, Jan 1st, 2019, that morning, around 4am, I drove my wife to work as I usually would. She knew something was up because dope would make me hallucinate in the night, have nightmares, scream, etc. That morning, my wife lowered the music all the way and ask me a question. She first told me to be honest of course. She asked, if I were to drug test you right now, would you pass? Without hesitation I proceeded to lie of course, and the guilt was eating me alive, not wanting to face the fact that I once again relapsed or worse to face that I once again betrayed her trust. When I went away to rehab, she told me that those days were the worst days of her life. She had no drive, no joy. Her body was at work but her heart was broken, wondering when I would call and If I was ok. They did not pemit phones for obvious reasons. I'm so glad I overcame these demons. I owe her the world. No woman would put up with what I made her go through.
I think you give people a good example of starting over, getting honest with oneself, and eventually rebuilding bridges that aren't burned. Thanks for being so transparent and using this platform, and the time you have alone, for good.
Wow. You really hit the nail on the head. I have been clean and sober 3 and 1/2 years. My life is 1000 times better. But I absolutely still work on keeping my commitments to myself especially. I never thought about why I struggle sometimes so hard with that. It takes courage to be this kind of honest and transparent, but I thank you. I needed to hear this!!
Thank you for talking about this. Addiction doesn’t just affect the addict…it harms everyone who cares for that individual. Someone that I care for lied to me multiple times and betrayed my trust while in his addiction. Once that trust is killed it can be really hard to get back. Definitely trying to move on and learn how to trust again. Your videos help put it into perspective from the addiction standpoint, and I appreciate that. Keep it up ❤
But the lies feel validated if you’re only hurting yourself and not others(or so we think). Indirectly(but truly directly) it does hurt them even when we feel its lies of omission. I understand completely. The lies we tell ourselves just to get through the denial. Thank you for articulating an addicts mind no matter how good your heart is.
I think it’s so crazy that so many of us do have really good hearts, which makes it even harder to deal with what we did. But I think if we recover and put the effort into improving ourselves we can deserve forgiveness, and become better than we ever were before. Thank you for commenting ❤️
Hi Brian. I'm so glad I found your channel. You are so genuine and express your thoughts really well. I can see you have done a lot of work on yourself and I am so happy for you! I am an ER nurse myself and have been able to "hide" my 10+ year problem with alcohol very well. I am working very hard to break out of the cloud of lies I tell myself.. 3 days sober. Just starting to watch all your videos and they are actually really helpful and have made me reflect a lot. You talk a lot about loving yourself and really getting to know the real you. I will think about that today as I am purging my closets of useless possessions I thought I needed to make me happy. Keep doing what you're doing. Thanks
Okay after watching this I’m going to book my gym class this week. It’s the first week I’ll have to go straight after work so I’ve been putting it off. Promised myself I’ll work on health and fitness this year so better fulfil that and book in!
Mr. Smiles, congratulations on the new house! Thank you very much for the content. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your new endeavors. Stay sober!
Right!? This guy is very wise and an excellent story teller. Who knows... maybe this is what the other half of his life is meant to be like... making up for the first half and then some!
Being honest made me become so aware of so many detrimental aspects of myself. At the same time it was and continues to be such a positive tool that helps me to be more realistic in life generally. Thanks ❤
Thumbs Up 👍 and Shared Out Everywhere!❤ You are absolutely right about the opposite of Addiction being Connection!💯 Most people really don’t understand that. Is there anyway that you could try to explain that to others. Most people really don’t get it.
I love how you respond so often to people! In such a generous and sincere and kind way. So happy i stumbled on one of your videos tonight. Now I'm searching through all of them! Thank you again for making them.
You brought tears to my eyes at your "Promise" to us at the end. I love this idea about baby promises to ourselves. And the phone is an excellent start... you are right. I'm going to start tomorrow putting my phone in another room completely with the volume off and timer set for a half hr while i do my morning meditation/ reading/praying stuff. I promise. I promise me.
The worst part about being on house arrest is that I always have to look at my phone to make sure it’s not my parole officer trying to get ahold of me. 😂 so I have been trying to limit myself in other ways until I can really put it down without having to worry. Let me know how the promises go for you 🙂 I’m loving how it’s working for me.
I am very glad I came across your videos. It has been a blessing to hear such honesty from a person who has gone through all that you have. My husband died from an overdose, however we had divorced prior to his death. The lies just ripped me apart, it is very healing to hear the reasoning behind it. You have a great way of explaining your experiences. Thanks so much it means alot.
I was an alcoholic, and then after I got into a relationship with someone who was a I thought recovering addict. A physician. And omg the things weee complete crazy. He knew exactly how to circumvent. He would pee in times he was sober and put it in the fridge, and used a tube system, glued so it would stay warm, and secret. When he had to go back in residency after he went to jail for 2 years. I thought it was an incentive. But no. What surprised me that the addiction, board didn’t pick on it. He would shave his head as his hair would be taken for a drug test. And esp if just are sober, or more on subutex, for the last 2-3 months it wouldn’t show. And no one thought hmm that’s kind of weird? Alchohol would be out of the system quickly too. So he would lie, and say he couldn’t get in because of work and add 2 days . He got everyone to do something for him, to sign off as of he had gone to AA meetings, and even I was complicit in some of his lies. Why? Because you get this my life will be over, I will never this or that. He even stole pee from within the hospital from his patients. He stole meds. I just couldn’t anymore, I don’t think I ever saw him truly sober, only when he needed it to, for a brief period of time and that’s scared me. The other thing I thought was, they gave doctors way more slack then nurses. They would pick up on his behaviors but not report it. It had to get really bad such as DUIs etc. I could not deal with it anymore. At some point there is so much anger, and hurt. All that drama. It’s such a terrible disease it really makes you kind of a zombie version of yourself. Good luck everyone. I’m currently 14 years sober
An incredibly strong ending: “If you get good at keeping promises to yourself, your self love and confidence and your life generally will improve in ways that you aren’t expecting.” 19:01 This segment would make an excellent video short.
Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. You are helping a lot of other people who are still in the drowning in shame phase. Keep the videos coming. Are you on social media?
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I am not on social media yet. Just doing the TH-cam thing for now. I’m sure I’ll figure the other stuff out at some point 😂
I have been watching your videos for the last few days, and they have certainly helped a whole lot. Congrats on all of your accomplishments and to getting/remaining sober. Tbh, whenever i start to think bad thoughts I run right on over to your YT channel, sit back, and listen. Thank you for telling your story, and motivating people to turn their life around, mine included.
I was recommended your video about your last days as an addicted nurse and I'm curious/inspired by your story. I'm so so happy to see you recognizing your problems you caused and actively fixing them in real time. I've never personally struggled with drug addiction but I've struggled with other addicting vices and I'm so happy to see you make your ur way out of that. I'm so inspired by you and happy for you and your journey I can't wait to binge watch your content and see you grow! ❤
Thank you for posting this.. I can totally understand what you were explaining about with the lies.. they take over everything.. then trying to keep them straight…that’s a job in its self. I really liked what you were saying about what you’re doing now with promises.. I might take that into practice myself. Have a wonderful day❤
I appreciate you taking the time to watch and for commenting. Yes, the promises thing has been awesome! I definitely think it’s worth a try. I hope you have a great day as well 🙏🙂❤️
When in active addiction do u really not love anything but drugs? My ex would lie and get angry at me when he would lie. When I knew he was lying. For someone who hadn’t used drugs, what does numbing feel like? Why do they blame everyone else when they are doing these things? It’s always my fault he went to jail, when he took the drugs so it’s his fault. The no accountability or responsibility
Being constantly honest with people is more addictive, in terms of dopamine, than a shot of heroin. Having to be constantly dishonest in order to survive is why a lot of people, I think, turn to addiction in the first place.
The irony of life is you were in prison doing the drugs...and your freedom started in actual prison...keep doing the next right thing..I always told my kids life is simple..do the right things and the right things happen and if you f around you will find out
Couldn’t have said it better. Thanks for that. Yes, I finally am finding real freedom through incarceration. It is ironic. I’m happy about the experience. I’m loving my life right now, even with all the BS. 🙂
Thats courageous af you'd stop kratom when going on a plane. I've canceled free cruise trips and vacations out of fear of not taking kratom (severely addicted to kratom). Ive brough kratom with me on one plane trip, so afriad of getting my green powder taken away. Im so afraid of kratom withdrawal, if i was in another state and my kratom was theoretically taken away by customs, id plan on canceling it all to take kratom and avoid withdrawal. Idk if my previous comment failed to post. But im severely addicted to kratom. Both my parents died whislt i was on it. I was sober from it, then when my mom got sick for the third time i started using it again. At her funeral i appeared to be in amazing spirits. I remember laughing hysterically and being buddy buddy with everyone there, completely separated from the reality of the situation. The single most important person in my entire life gone, and my brain blocks out the thoughts of her. I avoided every ounce of pain i should've felt. Still haven't cried since. Not even at the funeral. It's s been 8 years. I refuse to go through the pain. Idk what to do im lost. Id rather not be here than face it all.
Being sick on vacation sounds like hell. I didn't know kratom causes actual addiction and withdrawal when not available. I see signs for it outside tobacco shops and figured it was pretty harmless. Good to know.
It is massively trivialized by people simply because they're so worried about it becoming illegal. Of course that's not a good what to deal with the situation at all, but it's not like their fears are unfounded. It can be dangerous, but it also helps a lot of people who have much bigger problems than this addiction. And there's also a big group of people who have no problem taking it recreationally to enjoy themselves. It's pretty much safe if you stay with a once every two weeks rhythm or less. To get physically addicted, you'd need to consume daily for a prolonged period of time. It differs from person to person, but it may take months of daily use. What's dangerous is the in-between. Where you can use daily, but for quite some time your tolerance only increases slowly and it feels incredible and you don't experience detrimental effects. That's how you get hooked mentally. People need to stay disciplined when using it and therefore it's very much not advisable if you're suffering from pain or mental health problems. It _will_ help, and that's the problem, because that's what makes you addicted in the end. Unless you're a chronic pain patient with no chance of recovery, opioids are never the permanent solution for any illness whatsoever.
You're doing great! Keep up the amazing work! Just a tip, the music in the background is annoying and made me exit vid. But love your context!! Minus the music.
If I have a compulsive disorder, how do I keep promises if something presents itself at the wrong time? Should I have consequences if I break a promise?
Knowing youre going to withdraw from opiates and still go on vacation knowing damn well its not gonna work is just barbaric... I would never take a vacation id be too scared.
During the last couple years of my addiction, when I was using daily & it was super obvious what I was doing, my partner used to BEG me to just be honest. He’d say, “I already know you’re high, the lying is the part I can’t deal with”. But I just refused to admit it. I felt like as long as I could deny it, even with the slimmest plausibility, I would. I lived in FEAR of him bringing me an at-home drug test. But like, I don’t think he even needed one, it was so obvious lol I really thought I was fooling everyone😭😂
Drugs are so sad because they are unnecessary as well as potentially catastrophic. I believe in freedom and personal choice but I often wonder if systems that are draconian in terms of drug use (like the system used in Singapore) aren’t better.
Me trying to picture Brian's interactions with his mom when he drover her car 3 states away: Brian: Mom, I need to run to the mall, I forgot to pack some clean t-shirts, can I borrow your car? Brian's Mom: Sure dear, but be sure to change the radio back when your done, you know your father loves to listen to Glenn Miller whenever we go somewhere. Brian: Sure mom, I'll be back in a little while! 7 Hours Later Brian: Sorry it took me so long, there was a long line at the store. Brian's Mom: Did you remember to change the channel back on the radio when you got back home? Brian: Doh!
@@Sky.DRAGONZ when I was first arrested they gave me subutex for a couple of days. But that was it. I haven’t been on any maintenance since then. It’s been a little over 2 1/2 years 🙂
I feel like we need new words for "lie". It's so...well, to tell a lie is too general of a thing. We have manipulation, direct or out-right (bold faced) lie, the white-lie (white knighting or lying to protect your feelings) and we have something some people call...a little lie...or harmless lie.
Please get serious about your hospital drug diversion and the effect it had on your patients, their family and your facilities. It’s the worst part of recovery, but speaking about honesty requires it. Good luck bro
But... what? How to get food? How work for money? How to take out the trash, how to pick up mail, how to go to the bank, how to get stuff from the pharmacy.?there are so many questions...
@@riksstaden4927after good behavior on the monitor, a lot of people get permission to go to certain places, like work. As long as they make their officer aware, go where they say they’re going, and return on time, they are granted more freedom to leave home.
I should make a video with all the different ways I faked drug tests back in the day. Including one in front of a courthouse probation officer where I would have gone straight to jail if the fake bag of hot tea in my pants had been discovered (and it almost was).
I wish you would stop referring to your work as "your dead end 9-5". I have worked with many convicted felons who no one would take a chance on them when they were on house arrest and they ended up having to finish their sentences in prison because no one would hire them. You are lucky. Plus saying you have no responsibility because "corporate" has no idea what they are doing and is over taxing you is such a dangerous place for a convicted addict. "I am better that this job, better than my prison situation, smarter my parole officer." are the slippery slope many addicts start on before they are back on drugs. you have such a huge chance to help addicts and yourself because you are smart and likable. Please use it wisely. I am pulling for you.
Some how I stumbled across this! Im going to follow you- u have amazing friends who love you and know your soul- death is permanent! Although they helped you the rest is up to you- "if its meant to be its up to me" 30 yrs ago a colleague said that to me- i say it to myself everyday... I lived in SF 30 yrs now Denver. Life is all about taking small steps to get to the top of the mtn!!! Your warmth comes thru on your videos👍💪🫶1 day at a time!
Your approach and honesty is refreshing....thanks for sharing I can relate to your struggles...we're stronger than any addiction we're stronger than we think....cheers
My mom was a nurse who ended up getting hurt on her job. Needed back surgery and got hooked on percs then went to heroin. I think its cool to share your story. Best of luck. Im also in recovery.
It’s sad how that can happen. I hope your mom is doing ok and that you are doing well. Much love for you 🙏 keep up the recovery my friend ❤️
It has to be frightening for anyone in recovery and sober to be told they need surgery and will need to take painkillers for a period of time afterwards. There are some surgeries, like a knee or hip replacement, that need narcotics for 6 or so weeks just to make the recovery and physical therapy tolerable.
I got prescribed bromazepam for my severe anxiety and got hooked on benzos, mostly xanax
I love “the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection.” Totally agree.
And the truth shall set you free…
It really does
I am a nurse who got addicted after spine surgery and was intervened on at a hospital I worked at. That was 2006. I've been sober except for 2 more spinal surgeries. Now I'm 69 and in constant pain. I'm sober now but hurt all the time. Good for you and prayers for you. Keep on, sir.
I’m late watching this one but I hope you are ok.I’m sorry you are suffering. :( ❤❤
If you took the opiates as prescribed after surgery, you were still sober. Are you able to see a pain specialist that can prescribe Suboxone or Zubsolv (buprenorphine and naloxone combo) so you get the narcotic pain relief without the euphoria? Suboxone is available as a once per month extended relief injection and you can take stronger opiates (lorcet, Percocet, etc) with the injection, but the naloxone in the injection completely blocks the euphoria but provides a decent amount of pain relief.
I was meant to see this today! I have been in recovery for a while now, and the lies are the absolute worst! The majority of my guilt stems from the lies that just got so ridiculous. Its been a huge challenge so far. Thank you for posting this video!!❤
It’s always good to know that we aren’t alone. That’s where most of my guilt comes from as well. I now see all the lies I told as an opportunity to learn and better myself today! We can be the best versions of ourselves BECAUSE we are so familiar with being the wrong version of ourselves! I wish you the best in your journey 🙏 Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me ❤️❤️
Making amends releases the shame
Recovering addict here…Your idea of keeping promises is wonderful. What a way to build self-esteem and learn to love yourself again!
I’m glad it resonated with you. 🥰 That makes me so happy. I’m loving it. It’s helping me so much ❤️
Yeah the lying that comes with anger & gaslighting is the worst. You know shit is going down but they treat you like you're crazy, mean, dumb, trying to control their life etc etc etc. I don't know how many times I said 'if you're making my life worse, I'm not going to ignore it.' Thank goodness we are out of it now but it was really terrible. They think they're so clever but they're a caricature of a bot.
Brutal. As tough and regretful as those moments were, I'm sure it's no easy task to talk about them in any circumstance, let alone, on here.
I know they're two different levels, but i remember very vividly asking to "borrow" money, sometimes begging, so i could get a drink. I remember stealing from grocery stores so my friends and i could get wasted. So many lies and so many broken promises. I really had to come clean with myself a few years ago. I had the worst alcohol withdrawal of my life, my phone was in my hand with 911 dialed, just needed to push the green call button. After days of struggle and sweat and zero sleep, i had lost 10 lbs, i was weak, and i needed a change. I cut everything out of my life, even people a little bit. I worked out, i made routines, i ate better, but maybe most importantly, i got honest with myself. I looked really deep inward, asked myself the hard questions, and came out a different person. Im still me, but im kinder, more patient, and put communication first in all relationships. Sometimes even annoyingly so lol.
Just wanted to share that tidbit since you opened up so freely. I think its important that we all do that.
Also Roger came to see me at Steamers the other night with his brother. It was hilarious and fun. No Charlie Daniels requests though.
Little Feat are also awesome. I slept on them for far too long.
Love ya dude, so glad you're making these. Now im gonna go sub to your music channel
Oh shit I had no idea you went through it that bad. Thanks for sharing. That’s crazy because I didn’t even know that but I recognized that you’ve been a noticeably sweeter and more awesome person over the last few years. Not that you weren’t before, but something in your vibe noticeable changed at some point to an even more awesome version of yourself.
So much love for you always
@@SmilesforMiles2024 I'm glad it's showing!
Thank you for sharing this. Brave of you. You're not alone
Hello 👋
Making promises to yourself is basically being your own parent..the pride knowing you are taking responsibility for yourself is immense! Understand completely. Well done and keep going 🎉
Thank you so much for your comment. I love that! We have to be our own parents ❤️
So true! Just found your channel and really enjoying your authentic narratives and sharing. Thank you so much! We are all wanderers and explorers in this life. What a gift to share it.
@@FollowmedowntheNumberWhole it makes me so happy that you enjoy the content. Thank you for commenting and for your support. It means a lot to me ❤️
Yes to “eroding trust with self first.” Denial is very deep.
I resonate with this so much. I can never put the words together myself, but I felt every inch of this. I am also a recovering addict with a very very similar story to yours. I also find that the hardest thing to overcome at this point in (3 years), is accepting the things that I did in my addiction and how I hurt everyone who cared about me. I also feel like I’ve put my time in and “proven” myself and then some to everyone. It’s a true gut punch when I’ve done all the hard work, gone out of my way to show them I’ve changed and proven it 100%. Way more than anyone would ask of them in the same situation. I’ve learned now that it’s risking my sobriety to keep trying to prove this so hard and getting so agitated when people only see me for my past. At this point, take it or leave it. You don’t trust me, you don’t have a place in my very small circle. I’m doing this for me and I’ll be proud of and true to my own self 🎉 you’ve got a good thing going here, keep at it!
Thank you so much for sharing that. That’s really when I found the strength to change. When I realized that I had to do it for me. I was always trying to prove myself to others and my motivation came from the desire to make up for my past mistakes. Once I shifted to caring for myself first, everything changed and, ironically, I was better able to show up for others. You are on the right track. I appreciate you so much ❤️❤️
Subscribed today. Congrats on your recovery. You are so articulate and that makes listening enjoyable Thank you!
All the lies make us loved ones think WE are crazy and horrible!! It destroys us all.
These are great videos. Thank you!
I gotta say, I really appreciate these videos. I’ve never dealt personally with the struggles of being an addict, but my dad was one for a good majority of my life. The lies, the manipulation, it was all so frustrating. But learning more about the mind of an addict, helps me with understanding my dad more and his struggles in life. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you for sharing that! It can be harder for the people around the addict than for the addict themselves at times because of exactly what you said. You don’t know what to do, how you can help, what is and isn’t true, how badly you are being manipulated. It is so so confusing and difficult. I know this happened with the people who cared about me. I’m glad that these videos can be helpful in some way. I really appreciate your comment. 🙏
Your ability to be vulnerable and completely honest is inspiring! Great job! 👏 Keep it up 🎉🎉
Wow, your story about the drug test with your ex wife broke my heart.
The last time ever that I used, Jan 1st, 2019, that morning, around 4am, I drove my wife to work as I usually would. She knew something was up because dope would make me hallucinate in the night, have nightmares, scream, etc. That morning, my wife lowered the music all the way and ask me a question. She first told me to be honest of course. She asked, if I were to drug test you right now, would you pass? Without hesitation I proceeded to lie of course, and the guilt was eating me alive, not wanting to face the fact that I once again relapsed or worse to face that I once again betrayed her trust. When I went away to rehab, she told me that those days were the worst days of her life. She had no drive, no joy. Her body was at work but her heart was broken, wondering when I would call and If I was ok. They did not pemit phones for obvious reasons. I'm so glad I overcame these demons. I owe her the world. No woman would put up with what I made her go through.
I think you give people a good example of starting over, getting honest with oneself, and eventually rebuilding bridges that aren't burned. Thanks for being so transparent and using this platform, and the time you have alone, for good.
You are very natural at talking to the camera. Thank you for sharing and being so open it helps a lot 🖤
It helps me a lot reading your comment. Thank you so much. Nothing but love for you ❤️
At least now when we hear about those home gas explosions we know what happened.
😂
Hope dad isn't reading this! 😊
What a great video! How many of us, whether we have struggled with addiction or not, have broken trust with ourselves!?
Thank you for watching. I really appreciate you leaving this comment as well. It gives me encouragement ❤
Wow. You really hit the nail on the head. I have been clean and sober 3 and 1/2 years. My life is 1000 times better. But I absolutely still work on keeping my commitments to myself especially. I never thought about why I struggle sometimes so hard with that. It takes courage to be this kind of honest and transparent, but I thank you. I needed to hear this!!
Thank you for talking about this. Addiction doesn’t just affect the addict…it harms everyone who cares for that individual. Someone that I care for lied to me multiple times and betrayed my trust while in his addiction. Once that trust is killed it can be really hard to get back. Definitely trying to move on and learn how to trust again. Your videos help put it into perspective from the addiction standpoint, and I appreciate that. Keep it up ❤
But the lies feel validated if you’re only hurting yourself and not others(or so we think). Indirectly(but truly directly) it does hurt them even when we feel its lies of omission. I understand completely. The lies we tell ourselves just to get through the denial. Thank you for articulating an addicts mind no matter how good your heart is.
I think it’s so crazy that so many of us do have really good hearts, which makes it even harder to deal with what we did. But I think if we recover and put the effort into improving ourselves we can deserve forgiveness, and become better than we ever were before. Thank you for commenting ❤️
Hi Brian. I'm so glad I found your channel. You are so genuine and express your thoughts really well. I can see you have done a lot of work on yourself and I am so happy for you! I am an ER nurse myself and have been able to "hide" my 10+ year problem with alcohol very well. I am working very hard to break out of the cloud of lies I tell myself.. 3 days sober. Just starting to watch all your videos and they are actually really helpful and have made me reflect a lot. You talk a lot about loving yourself and really getting to know the real you. I will think about that today as I am purging my closets of useless possessions I thought I needed to make me happy. Keep doing what you're doing. Thanks
Another recovering nurse here. Keep going. Sobriety, it's freeing !
Okay after watching this I’m going to book my gym class this week. It’s the first week I’ll have to go straight after work so I’ve been putting it off. Promised myself I’ll work on health and fitness this year so better fulfil that and book in!
My advice is start slow and focus on consistency over volume. But truly be consistent
All the lies when using lead to so many regrets & shame once sober, and that is something that is hardest things to get past.
Mr. Smiles, congratulations on the new house! Thank you very much for the content. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your new endeavors. Stay sober!
Grateful for your videos….you are wonderful!!!!
You are wonderful for watching and commenting ❤️❤️❤️❤️thank you so much for the support. It means the world to me
The biggest lies we tell ourselves, which is bizarre to me now looking back. All part of the charade.
Your story would make a killer book!
Right!? This guy is very wise and an excellent story teller. Who knows... maybe this is what the other half of his life is meant to be like... making up for the first half and then some!
Being honest made me become so aware of so many detrimental aspects of myself. At the same time it was and continues to be such a positive tool that helps me to be more realistic in life generally. Thanks ❤
Thumbs Up 👍 and Shared Out Everywhere!❤ You are absolutely right about the opposite of Addiction being Connection!💯 Most people really don’t understand that. Is there anyway that you could try to explain that to others. Most people really don’t get it.
I love how you respond so often to people! In such a generous and sincere and kind way. So happy i stumbled on one of your videos tonight. Now I'm searching through all of them! Thank you again for making them.
Thank you so much for watching! It’s a new experience for me to have anybody watching and commenting, so your comments really are so exciting to me! 😁
You brought tears to my eyes at your "Promise" to us at the end. I love this idea about baby promises to ourselves. And the phone is an excellent start... you are right. I'm going to start tomorrow putting my phone in another room completely with the volume off and timer set for a half hr while i do my morning meditation/ reading/praying stuff. I promise. I promise me.
The worst part about being on house arrest is that I always have to look at my phone to make sure it’s not my parole officer trying to get ahold of me. 😂 so I have been trying to limit myself in other ways until I can really put it down without having to worry. Let me know how the promises go for you 🙂 I’m loving how it’s working for me.
I am very glad I came across your videos. It has been a blessing to hear such honesty from a person who has gone through all that you have. My husband died from an overdose, however we had divorced prior to his death. The lies just ripped me apart, it is very healing to hear the reasoning behind it. You have a great way of explaining your experiences. Thanks so much it means alot.
I was an alcoholic, and then after I got into a relationship with someone who was a I thought recovering addict. A physician. And omg the things weee complete crazy. He knew exactly how to circumvent. He would pee in times he was sober and put it in the fridge, and used a tube system, glued so it would stay warm, and secret. When he had to go back in residency after he went to jail for 2 years. I thought it was an incentive. But no. What surprised me that the addiction, board didn’t pick on it. He would shave his head as his hair would be taken for a drug test. And esp if just are sober, or more on subutex, for the last 2-3 months it wouldn’t show. And no one thought hmm that’s kind of weird? Alchohol would be out of the system quickly too. So he would lie, and say he couldn’t get in because of work and add 2 days . He got everyone to do something for him, to sign off as of he had gone to AA meetings, and even I was complicit in some of his lies. Why? Because you get this my life will be over, I will never this or that. He even stole pee from within the hospital from his patients. He stole meds. I just couldn’t anymore, I don’t think I ever saw him truly sober, only when he needed it to, for a brief period of time and that’s scared me. The other thing I thought was, they gave doctors way more slack then nurses. They would pick up on his behaviors but not report it. It had to get really bad such as DUIs etc. I could not deal with it anymore. At some point there is so much anger, and hurt. All that drama. It’s such a terrible disease it really makes you kind of a zombie version of yourself. Good luck everyone. I’m currently 14 years sober
Congratulations on your sobriety
Bro you are doing very fkn good . The honesty in this testimony is inspiring. Your story has points of aligning with mine.
An incredibly strong ending: “If you get good at keeping promises to yourself, your self love and confidence and your life generally will improve in ways that you aren’t expecting.” 19:01
This segment would make an excellent video short.
Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. You are helping a lot of other people who are still in the drowning in shame phase. Keep the videos coming. Are you on social media?
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I am not on social media yet. Just doing the TH-cam thing for now. I’m sure I’ll figure the other stuff out at some point 😂
I have been watching your videos for the last few days, and they have certainly helped a whole lot. Congrats on all of your accomplishments and to getting/remaining sober. Tbh, whenever i start to think bad thoughts I run right on over to your YT channel, sit back, and listen. Thank you for telling your story, and motivating people to turn their life around, mine included.
Thats a great idea to put a timeline on a promise to yourself. I might dare to try that.
I was recommended your video about your last days as an addicted nurse and I'm curious/inspired by your story. I'm so so happy to see you recognizing your problems you caused and actively fixing them in real time. I've never personally struggled with drug addiction but I've struggled with other addicting vices and I'm so happy to see you make your ur way out of that. I'm so inspired by you and happy for you and your journey I can't wait to binge watch your content and see you grow! ❤
Interested in hearing more about your international travels - especially India
Damn, what a pure message-- THANK YOU, Brian 🙏 I can relate 😌
Thank you for posting this.. I can totally understand what you were explaining about with the lies.. they take over everything.. then trying to keep them straight…that’s a job in its self. I really liked what you were saying about what you’re doing now with promises.. I might take that into practice myself. Have a wonderful day❤
I appreciate you taking the time to watch and for commenting. Yes, the promises thing has been awesome! I definitely think it’s worth a try. I hope you have a great day as well 🙏🙂❤️
Thank you for the concept of making promises to myself.
Yes
Good luck dude
Thank you my friend. I appreciate you watching and commenting ❤️🙏
When in active addiction do u really not love anything but drugs? My ex would lie and get angry at me when he would lie. When I knew he was lying. For someone who hadn’t used drugs, what does numbing feel like? Why do they blame everyone else when they are doing these things? It’s always my fault he went to jail, when he took the drugs so it’s his fault. The no accountability or responsibility
Being constantly honest with people is more addictive, in terms of dopamine, than a shot of heroin. Having to be constantly dishonest in order to survive is why a lot of people, I think, turn to addiction in the first place.
The irony of life is you were in prison doing the drugs...and your freedom started in actual prison...keep doing the next right thing..I always told my kids life is simple..do the right things and the right things happen and if you f around you will find out
Couldn’t have said it better. Thanks for that. Yes, I finally am finding real freedom through incarceration. It is ironic. I’m happy about the experience. I’m loving my life right now, even with all the BS. 🙂
Thats courageous af you'd stop kratom when going on a plane. I've canceled free cruise trips and vacations out of fear of not taking kratom (severely addicted to kratom). Ive brough kratom with me on one plane trip, so afriad of getting my green powder taken away.
Im so afraid of kratom withdrawal, if i was in another state and my kratom was theoretically taken away by customs, id plan on canceling it all to take kratom and avoid withdrawal. Idk if my previous comment failed to post. But im severely addicted to kratom. Both my parents died whislt i was on it. I was sober from it, then when my mom got sick for the third time i started using it again. At her funeral i appeared to be in amazing spirits. I remember laughing hysterically and being buddy buddy with everyone there, completely separated from the reality of the situation. The single most important person in my entire life gone, and my brain blocks out the thoughts of her.
I avoided every ounce of pain i should've felt. Still haven't cried since. Not even at the funeral. It's s been 8 years. I refuse to go through the pain. Idk what to do im lost. Id rather not be here than face it all.
Thank you. God bless you ❤
🙂❤️🙏
Being sick on vacation sounds like hell. I didn't know kratom causes actual addiction and withdrawal when not available. I see signs for it outside tobacco shops and figured it was pretty harmless. Good to know.
It is massively trivialized by people simply because they're so worried about it becoming illegal. Of course that's not a good what to deal with the situation at all, but it's not like their fears are unfounded. It can be dangerous, but it also helps a lot of people who have much bigger problems than this addiction. And there's also a big group of people who have no problem taking it recreationally to enjoy themselves. It's pretty much safe if you stay with a once every two weeks rhythm or less. To get physically addicted, you'd need to consume daily for a prolonged period of time. It differs from person to person, but it may take months of daily use. What's dangerous is the in-between. Where you can use daily, but for quite some time your tolerance only increases slowly and it feels incredible and you don't experience detrimental effects. That's how you get hooked mentally. People need to stay disciplined when using it and therefore it's very much not advisable if you're suffering from pain or mental health problems. It _will_ help, and that's the problem, because that's what makes you addicted in the end. Unless you're a chronic pain patient with no chance of recovery, opioids are never the permanent solution for any illness whatsoever.
You're doing great! Keep up the amazing work! Just a tip, the music in the background is annoying and made me exit vid. But love your context!! Minus the music.
Keep it up!!
🙂 thank you! I will!
Thankyou ❤
If I have a compulsive disorder, how do I keep promises if something presents itself at the wrong time?
Should I have consequences if I break a promise?
Knowing youre going to withdraw from opiates and still go on vacation knowing damn well its not gonna work is just barbaric... I would never take a vacation id be too scared.
Hell yeah
During the last couple years of my addiction, when I was using daily & it was super obvious what I was doing, my partner used to BEG me to just be honest. He’d say, “I already know you’re high, the lying is the part I can’t deal with”. But I just refused to admit it. I felt like as long as I could deny it, even with the slimmest plausibility, I would. I lived in FEAR of him bringing me an at-home drug test. But like, I don’t think he even needed one, it was so obvious lol I really thought I was fooling everyone😭😂
Drugs are so sad because they are unnecessary as well as potentially catastrophic. I believe in freedom and personal choice but I often wonder if systems that are draconian in terms of drug use (like the system used in Singapore) aren’t better.
Me trying to picture Brian's interactions with his mom when he drover her car 3 states away:
Brian: Mom, I need to run to the mall, I forgot to pack some clean t-shirts, can I borrow your car?
Brian's Mom: Sure dear, but be sure to change the radio back when your done, you know your father loves to listen to Glenn Miller whenever we go somewhere.
Brian: Sure mom, I'll be back in a little while!
7 Hours Later
Brian: Sorry it took me so long, there was a long line at the store.
Brian's Mom: Did you remember to change the channel back on the radio when you got back home?
Brian: Doh!
What video do you talk about pros and cons of using kratoms please share!
I will definitely make a video about Kratom just cause of your comment. That is a great idea! Thank you for that 🙂
How did you get sober?
I was arrested and sent to prison. There are plenty of drugs to do in prison but while I was in county jail I decided I wanted to be done.
So did they give you any kind of maintinence and or do you take maintinence now? @SmilesforMiles2024
@@Sky.DRAGONZ when I was first arrested they gave me subutex for a couple of days. But that was it. I haven’t been on any maintenance since then. It’s been a little over 2 1/2 years 🙂
I feel like we need new words for "lie". It's so...well, to tell a lie is too general of a thing. We have manipulation, direct or out-right (bold faced) lie, the white-lie (white knighting or lying to protect your feelings) and we have something some people call...a little lie...or harmless lie.
Addicts will fcuk over anyone for their addiction. Sad.
What was the point of even going abroad knowing you’re just going to be miserable in bed the entire trip? Why even go…
Why are there people sleeping on a piece of cardboard under a highway overpass when they know people who own guest beds and couches? This is why.
Yeah. People just don’t want them around when they are using and being so dishonest. Thanks for commenting 🙂
Please get serious about your hospital drug diversion and the effect it had on your patients, their family and your facilities.
It’s the worst part of recovery, but speaking about honesty requires it.
Good luck bro
This guy reminds me of Marty Byrd
How does house arrest work? What are the rules?
Stay at your house with a monitor, check in with them on the monitor
But... what? How to get food? How work for money? How to take out the trash, how to pick up mail, how to go to the bank, how to get stuff from the pharmacy.?there are so many questions...
@@riksstaden4927after good behavior on the monitor, a lot of people get permission to go to certain places, like work. As long as they make their officer aware, go where they say they’re going, and return on time, they are granted more freedom to leave home.
"The Open Society and Its Enemies" is a book by Karl Popper (1945).
Damn the drug test lie was actually pretty brilliant
And how dare you do that to Roger 😂
Are you on Suboxone or methadone?
Since prison isn’t coed how did you know…
Oh yeah. We’re great liars. I coulda been in the CIA I was so convincing. Or I thought I was. Haha
Have you thought about going to law school, Brian?
Does everyone know now..all your lies? Does your ex wife know you did that?
So great that you can talk about this!
Must be a bit hard ✌
I should make a video with all the different ways I faked drug tests back in the day. Including one in front of a courthouse probation officer where I would have gone straight to jail if the fake bag of hot tea in my pants had been discovered (and it almost was).
I did some crazy shit to. I always shaved my head to so they couldn’t take my hair
I wish you would stop referring to your work as "your dead end 9-5". I have worked with many convicted felons who no one would take a chance on them when they were on house arrest and they ended up having to finish their sentences in prison because no one would hire them. You are lucky. Plus saying you have no responsibility because "corporate" has no idea what they are doing and is over taxing you is such a dangerous place for a convicted addict. "I am better that this job, better than my prison situation, smarter my parole officer." are the slippery slope many addicts start on before they are back on drugs. you have such a huge chance to help addicts and yourself because you are smart and likable. Please use it wisely. I am pulling for you.
Some how I stumbled across this! Im going to follow you- u have amazing friends who love you and know your soul- death is permanent! Although they helped you the rest is up to you- "if its meant to be its up to me" 30 yrs ago a colleague said that to me- i say it to myself everyday... I lived in SF 30 yrs now Denver. Life is all about taking small steps to get to the top of the mtn!!! Your warmth comes thru on your videos👍💪🫶1 day at a time!
I don’t think this is funny that you lied so much and hurt people
What drugs were you addicted to..??
Heroin and Meth
Ouch
@@stainz5714 I know right!? 😅
Your approach and honesty is refreshing....thanks for sharing I can relate to your struggles...we're stronger than any addiction we're stronger than we think....cheers
@@stainz5714 there is so much strength on the other side of addiction. I’m enjoying tapping into it