0:33 "I can't tell you." -- FA core wound: "I am unworthy." solution:: "I'm not ready to share that yet because I'm nervous about it, but let's continue getting to know each other." 2:11 "You're not doing enough." -- FA core wound: "I am unworthy; I am unseen; I am unheard." solution: "Let's do more of xyz together on Sunday." 3:26 "You should meet my expectation more." -- FA core wound: "I'm taken advantage of." solution: "I have these financial needs, how do you feel about sharing the cost?" 4:31 "I can't right now." -- FA core wound: "I'm annoying; I'm disrespected; I'm unimportant." -- solution: "I'm busy right now, but I'll come back to you when I'm finished." 6:30 "My way or the highway ." -- FA core wound: "I'm helpless; I'm taken advantage of." solution: "I have xyz need, I want to be considerate of your needs too, can we compromise on it?"
1. I can't tell you 2. You're not doing enough 3. You should... 4. I can't right now 5. You have to do it my way Listen to Thais inform you why these statements trigger the FA and how to rephrase to be authentic to your own needs by expressing them to the FA in a way that won't trigger them.
Wow, talk about walking on eggshells. No thanks. My supposed FA would say all those things. Greatest hypocrite I’ve ever met. We’re almost certain now she was a covert narcissist. Soft language made no difference. Was met with avoidance and stonewalling. Being open and honest just resulted in being emotionally manipulated. If I gave an inch, she took 100 miles. Nothing worse than a covert narc convincing themselves and others that they are an FA. No contact solved it.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 whoa aaron, sounds like my experience too. The soft and gentle dialog did nothing... But ultimately I made the response and presented behavior of an understanding man, calm response, no cussing, reflective active listening... "oh you think youre better than me!" It lead me to learn more about ADHD, attachment styles, emotional connection, emotion intelligence, boundaries, self validation and self affirmations
@@sf808opalaman sounds familiar. I stopped being gentle and firm about it. Went hard boundaries and very direct. They hate accountability. I got, “why is it always my fault” or “you think you’re so perfect” or “I don’t feel safe.” It’s all bullshit deflection, blameshift and darvo. 🤮
What really triggered me was the "you're not doing enough". I feel so attuned to people and am always thinking of how to be considerate to others, so when someone says that, it really rubs me the wrong way. But I am starting to understand that I can be doing a lot but that it might not be what the other person needs or is looking for, so taking a step back and understanding what they need is really important so there are no mismatched expectations.
Amazing video. You basically just gave a lesson on manners and proper conduct when relating to humans, not just for fearful avoidants. I don't think any human appreciates these 5 being said to them in this manner. It is a very dismissive yet entitlement driven tone. The pointers given here really help with achieving effective communication within any attachment style.
My girlfriend is a FA, and #5 has been a huge trigger for her. I'm ex military, so sometimes I just "take charge", and we've had dust ups over it. The explanation and suggestion make SO MUCH sense. I will definitely be more mindful of not demanding my way.
The "you should..." Was huge in my previous relationship. Forever I've said things like "maybe you should...." As a figure of speech never really thinking twice about it. At 51 I've never had that phrase be such an issue until my previous relationship. To the point that I got a text saying "maybe you should not just show up for 4th of July with my children and I". Then to teach me a lesson inviting 2 of family members over for the 4th and no me to teach me what happens when I say "you should/maybe you you should" Now seeing this video it sheds some light on that phrase and how a FA may react. The interesting part is when we were friends long before we dated I never got friction/static for saying that. Once we become romantically involved that all changed. The more I see about Avodiants though the more things are making sense. Particularly the rebound dating aspect. Her "I can never make it past 4 months" apparently has been going on for years since her husband passed 10 years ago. I'm in no contact with no intention of ever getting back together. However for her and her children I hope she finds someone who can help her break that cycle. 🙏
As a fearful avoidant I most resonated with "you're not doing enough", "meet my expectations more" and "my way or the highway". That basically killed my last friendship as it left no room for compromise.
Oh hell no. I keep meticulous track of things done. I almost always strive to do more than the other person. However, I never will tell someone they're not doing enough. I'm happy to do up to 70% of the work. If someone claims I'm not pulling my weight, I will likely shut down and become borderline mute towards that person. I will try to be more verbal or engaging, but sometimes my body will not allow me to.
However, I'm willing to openly discuss all these these triggering statements but oftentimes, the other person isn't willing. They expect me to read their minds and act in accordance to their expectations they have of me.
I feel so validated hearing these! I've been blaming myself for getting triggered over simple things, and this really helped me be more mindful and gentle towards myself!
Same!! I'm not sensitive because I'm an a**hole, I'm sensitive because I'm wounded right where that comment rubs. It's not really their fault, but thank goodness now I can know it's not mine either.
Number 5 - totally a trigger for me - I definitely don’t want to feel controlled and I totally rebel to things stated as control and I need the vulnerability shared in order for it to land as a boundary grounded in trust and respect!
Wow, my family says all of these. No wonder I get triggered around them. Now I know what I need them to say instead and I’ll express that to them from today. Thank you for the video 💕
It's probably why you became avoidant, makes sense :) My mom triggers me soo much, I'm AP. It's actually a really good chance to set boundaries with family
Anyone who can make it long term with a FA is a saint! I dont blame FAs but wow, talk about eggshells. To walk through land mine after land mine requires someone who is truly a special person. Cannot be very many of them out there so im guessing there are a lot of single FAs.
lol we walk on eggshells with anyone who has insecure attachment style. That is why it is important to work on being secure instead of worrying about how difficult the next person is.
@@CeeP211our experiences differ but I hear you. I’ve walked on eggshells with people that presented AA, FA, DA, AP. However I noticed when I pick up on a person’s attachment style I know how to navigate around said person. Approach is important. If I feel a person can be too much for me to handle I choose to opt out and engage and love from a distance. Sometimes as people we have a “this is how I am take it or leave it” mindset which may clash with different personalities.
2,5 years relationship after a few months of friendship. The relationship was a quality one, we were vulnerable and I always tried to meet her needs. She was an FA and I didn't realize the attachement styles and stuff but luckily, after our breakup I found out those things so I started to work actively on myself (Im an AP). I hope we will have a second chance because I really think we were compatible, especially after I worked on my issues.
I do. After a certain point if you know you don't make sense and are unwell you shouldn't be with anyone until willing and doing the introspection and behaviors to follow. Otherwise your just a person riddled in excuse. Some FAs try and I understand that. But all these things never are given a second thought? It's like one big cycle...and shouldn't be demonized but it should nit be accepted either. We have to take responsibility for how we act, show up and if your unaware what abhealthy relationship is, then research it. If it is hard to do those things, then address it. Otherwise we are on hamster wheels. It's quite bizarre to me for people to know they are unhealthy, yet proceed to try and try and yet repeat and repeat. It's quite jarring and quite unfair. If an FA were anyone else we wouldn't be on here asking what's wrong with them. What's wrong with Ted bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer? What's wrong with people with PTSD who abuse their partners. Should we say we'll It's hard, they have PTSD. Perhaps bringing awareness to the inappropriate or dysfunctional behavior. How they respond, will be how you know. Are they attempting serious discussions, are they honest and faithful, do they take the necessary steps to change and implement and practice it. They won't change overnight, but can take steps. I believe a FA deserves love and kindness but I also think they need to take accountability and stop running...and rid their toxic behavior. If not. Leave them they arent ready and no amount of love nor understanding will change them. These are things they need to change themselves. You tolerating poor behavior isn't an answer. They are alot like children. They need to be taught. You sit, hold yoir composure and tell them their behavior is unacceptable. You say you will speak when ready. They need to learn what bad behavior is considered and not coddled after it. It only promotes more bad behavior. Enabling. I've made that mistake bc you read about them and we all think we can help, we can model good behavior and nothing else. We can have boundaries and deal breakers and nothing else. We can tolerate or not tolerate things we don't want To. We also shouldn't accept bread crumbs. They leave you hanging? Blocked you...let them know calmly what that does to you. If that isn't respected on multiple occasions the FA isn't ready. And it's something you must accept . Don't feel so badly for someone who doesn't feel so badly for you. Certain behaviors are just not ok. And any of the four deadly horseman of a relationship is a straight NO. There are ways to deal with things. But if your seeing walking away over the simplest things just know it will get worse once you tolerate this more and more. Advice. Attempt a calm approach...Always. Otherwise you will scare the bejesus out of them. Hmm think of them like a caged animal who just got free. Finally out and learning all the things we learned as children and young adults...have empathy but boundaries. What's your non negotiable. What is your compromise. Give them space. And offer it as well when you see them flustered. Don't take their aloofness personally. Don't get angry at the many walk outs or shut downs. Unless there is compromise, on BOTH ENDS, walk away. It will be worse not better.
As an FA, how you say things are more important than what you're saying but yeah we hate people trying to control us. We need to somehow feel that we still have our independence and not being manipulated or controlled by anyone.
@@niccolom4556 not about walking on eggshells. It's just about respecting people's boundaries. I have found someone similar to me and he is wonderful. No need for you to project.
I feel triggered just hearing the example of the “harsh way” of saying things and it makes me want to run lol. But when u say it in the considerable way I feel safer and can totally respect their boundaries and communicate back like a kind compassionate adult.
I can relate to a lot of these. My mom tends to trigger me most with things like this. Relating to the “you’re not doing enough” and “you have to” triggers in particular. She’s constantly telling me how to be a “good” wife and that I have to do this or that to be good enough. Recently my husband and I both got Covid and my mom only has sympathy for my husband. She also told me that I HAVE to make my husband chicken soup, that it’s something that I need to do because that’s what a good wife does. Didn’t matter that I was also sick, my husband wasn’t told to make ME soup. It triggers a lot of core wounds for me when she does this, especially “I’m not enough/I’m not worthy”.
My sister used to boss me around like a slave. I tend to shudder when people tell me what to do or exhibit even the slightest things that can be construed as controlling behavior. However, I will often shrug it off and claim everything's fine and may even joke by cranking up my people pleasing. I think my tendency to people please is sort of preemptive "I'll do it before you to tell me to do it" thing. I suppose it's a way to feel more in control of myself than being controlled by others, when the reality is I'm still allowing external things control myself.
All of those phrases would trigger the heck out of me, thankfully and gratefully I don’t have anyone in my life who says these things to me. Maybe because I run for the hills anytime someone remotely exhibits an inkling towards this type of behavior. I’ve come a long way, there was a time not so long ago when I wouldn’t speak up for myself in anyway, not anymore.
100% accurate. I can definitely relate to being triggered by all of these before PDS. Now, I can recognize that the other person's response or behavior is just their programming and I don't take it personally. I'm still working on the fear of being trapped and controlled, but I'm able to share that instead of reacting.
#5 is a huge trigger for me at work. I have a newer co-worker who is a quasi-supervisor and always wants processes followed in exactly a specific way. I get incredibly irritated and frustrated every time it happens or they call me out for not exactly following their procedures, though I also try to mask it during meetings and elsewhere. I've grown to almost hate this person because of this behavior, and I guess it's just helpful to know now what might be driving that feeling so I can work on reframing, refocusing, and keeping my cool.
And hey, maybe more than reframing and refocusing could be warranted! It might be difficult to say something, but I don't think all the work should be on you to have to bend over backwards for an uptight prick just because they're OCD. Your screwing the bolts on in the "wrong" order is probably a lot less damaging to the work environment than their controlling and oppressive communication habits. Obviously certain procedures might be legitimate, but if you could find an example or two of ones that are little more than preference, do you think it might be worth bringing the matter up to a higher-up?
As a fearful avoidant, just hearing the example phrases of what not to say, was triggering for me haha. Actually made me sad. Guess they definitely are phrases to not use 😂😢
I am usually okay with someone saying "I can't tell you" from the perspective of needing information. I can respect the need for privacy, and I would much rather have someone say that they don't want to tell me something than to lie to me. I have huge trust issues and fears of betrayal. Besides, I rarely ask questions for the purpose of gaining information. If I ask questions, it is to see how they feel about something, or to see if there are any incongruences. However, it would be very triggering if it was implied that I am unworthy of knowing something important in a relationship, or that I cannot be trusted with information. 100% relate to the others!
I was getting anxious about tasks both my partner and I had to do. And I was worried he was going to leave me with the bulk of the tasks, so I was attempting to ask for reassurance that he was going to help. He turned it around and called me ungrateful for the stuff that he had already been doing. That upset me A LOT because I'm hypervigilant and was honestly just looking for some reassurance...
Think I am doing well with an FA. I usually say what I want and what I feel and what I'm doing. I also ask him about the same. Now he's doing the same without me asking sometimes.
Autonomy is huge for me. It's a way in which I deeply fear that I'm not enough, and to have somebody talk to me in a way that dismisses my ability to think is so utterly triggering. I actually have trouble even with really silly small triggers like my wife telling me which highway lane I'm gonna need to be in. It's a small, absent-minded, harmless thing for her. But I'm immediately irritated. For one, the wording-don't tell me where I need to be. But second, I have a brain. If I'm going to be taking the next exit and turning right, don't you think I know which lane I need to be in? And so what? Even if we miss the turn, in my mind I'd rather miss the turn twice than be reminded once. Like I said! It's a small and relatively inconsequential trigger. But I can relate to how easy it is for small communications to rub you the wrong way and sour your mood.
I grew up with a bossy controlling sister. When people tell me to do things, I often have a visceral reaction and want to yell "I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!!" But I tend to bottle it up and act like their words are merely words but the resentment builds.
Started to write, and it quickly became a paragraph, so I'll try to keep it short. Great video for a potential partner, so saved and appreciated. But what can I do, know you have a course on it, but physical therapy bills, yoga and some courses I'm already enrolled in. Kinda to rich for my blood as of now, but would love to get some pointers on what to do, how to start changing my relationship problems, as I am at a point in my life where I actually have just let that go, just accepted, relationships ain't for me, not because I don't want one, but rather, well this video said it all. And at the end of the day, it's my issues, it's my feeling and my responsibility, something I need to take seriously and work on, and to put my attachment style issues on a nother person and their are to take responsibility for my relationship problems, that's something I don't want to do. Reason for this, is something a psychiatric nurse I know said, " we just overlook the mildest and first symptoms of serious mental illnesses, as they have become so normal, just the amount of people showing them, we just don't have the resources to help them" and getting to know her, understand how mental illness shows it self in behaviour patterns. So I started, yoga, therapy not because I need it, because I want to prevent needing therapy. So I embarked on a journey of change, and my relationship issues, is something I am very much interested in working on.
If you work on becoming more secure, relationships will become much easier! She has many videos toward that on her channel. & with that process, things that once triggered you will be much less or even not at all triggering. I wish you the best of luck on your journey! :)
LOL @ "You should" statements. That's such a huge one for me. I can actually remember asking a friend when I was eleven years old to do me a favor, and never, EVER start a sentence with 'you should' to me ever again! I can't stand it when someone tries to tell me what I "should" do, not just in the context of what I "should" do in a relationship, but also in the case of telling me what I "should" do in my life overall. (The one exception to this rule is when someone is genuinely suggesting something I may not have thought of/heard about, and immediately accepts my answer without pushing further, e.g., "Hey, I just heard about this opportunity you'd be perfect for--you should apply for it!") I also feel like "you should" is verrrrrry connected to #5, as they are both controlling behaviors. (Also connected to "you're not doing enough", as well.) The reframes on all of these, and also on the brushing off one and the "I can't tell you" one, are so, so perfect. 100% spot on from start to finish, as usual.
Hmmm I'm immensely surprised that "I'd like to talk to you about something next time I see you" wasn't included in this list. I said this to my FA, and he took off. Cheated on me. Lied about it. Dumped me for the person he cheated with. Blamed me for it. Never even stopped to ask what I wanted to talk to him about. 2 years later, he still doesn't know.
Tbh fuck that. I am ignoring all my boundaries, I am so kind, so patient. And still I get treated like garbage, like a stranger. Dating a FA is the most toxic thing I EVER experienced. I have to do all the work, I have to beg for forgiveness for minor stuff but I have to accept everything that is done to me. No. I'm done. She can come back and ask for forgiveness but I am not going to kill myself to be enough for a person.
@@sunbeam9222 I was myself but when she had a grip on me she turned to such a vile person. Especially this hot-cold shit (which ramps up slowly) is so addictive. I would generally agree but it was like she first tried to get to my heart and THEN she became crazy and started tearing down my walls
It is a mistake to "ignore your boundaries" as you say, with an FA. Thais says herself in this video or others that FAs appreciate boundaries being held and communicated. In general, if you don't set boundaries then yes you will be treated like garbage, because no one can respect a boundary that doesn't exist. It's a cliché that's absolutely true, people won't respect you if you don't respect yourself, and that's true of most people not just FAs. You thought you were doing them a favour to not respect yourself, but in fact it's much better for both people when you do.
I’m an FA and would say if you feel disrespected leave a person that violates your boundaries. I know I do not like people violating my boundaries so why on earth would I violate another person’s, especially if they have been clearly communicated to me. Thing I am noticing about those with insecure attachment styles ( DA’s FA’s and AP’s) everyone thinks they are a victim but people with a secure attachment style will not even entertain that thought and would just simply except that they are not compatible with a person who continues to violate their boundaries and will respectfully move on. Wish her well and move on. I understood venting but when done focus on finding the right person who you are able to work with and communicate efficiently and effectively with. Find out your attachment style and rather watch videos geared towards you so that you can understand why you attract someone who upsets you to this extent and videos that will help you understand your style with the focus of being more secure so that you build better relationships. I know that’s my focus and journey, to be secure. Watch other styles only for purpose to understand others in order to navigate around others with different attachment styles because we do not live in a vacuum. Not to be judgmental or resentful that’s a sign of also having an insecure attachment style that you have not dealt with.
this is actually really true. I am FA trying to work on myself but sometimes I just feel that it's I guess better to put up those walls and deactivate coz most times whenever I try becoming vulnerable I tend to be taken advantage of. the "you should do this" and I can't tell you. really triggers me a lot. I just shut you out.
I feel like these are things that should/shouldn't be done in any relationship to be healthy, regardless of their type :) But I understand that the point of the video is that these can be particularly extra triggering for someone who is fearful
I have realized that I have fearful-avoidant tendencies. I noticed that I feel uneasy when their is no commitment in a relationship. Recently, I had broke up with a potential partner because I felt like they were unsure about me. Sometimes, I feel as if I broke ties with the person too soon. What are some ways not to be triggered when experiencing this situation?
From what I am starting to realise now (I am an actively recovering FA), it starts with honouring how you feel. Get clear about what you want and set boundaries around it. Once you've done that, you present what you want in a way that is clear and true to you. Once you do that, if the other person decides to give you what you want... great. If not, it may be time to remove yourself. But I would say, it starts with asking for what you want. Learn to become more comfortable with giving yourself a voice, once you understand exactly how you feel about something. That may involve taking time out to process the raw emotions that come up for you - sit with them for a while and truly understand them in light of FA triggers - accept them as being true for you in the moment and then speak on them. 'When you did X, I felt Y' or 'I am really enjoying getting to know you, but I would like something more serious. Is this something you can give?' - as long as you've honoured your needs and articulated the TRUE emotions you are feeling, then there's nothing else you can do. The person/people for you, will hear you and want to be a part of your life.
I definitely agree with everything that @@ladyenfamouz said. Communicating needs is the only way I can see to really bridge that gap. And to be clear-if you are feeling insecure about a relationship, that most certainly constitutes a need, and a reasonable one at that. One method that I've found incredibly helpful for sharing my needs is to broach the conversation by asking the person in a light tone if they could help me with something-asking in the same kind of tone that I would use to ask for a very simple favor, like helping me carry something or holding a door open. Then, after they've agreed, I will use the same sort of formula that Jaayoos described: _"when you do X, I end up feeling Y. Could you help me?"_ I've found that phrasing it as a simple request for help makes the conversation a lot easier for me to initiate. I try to be really careful not to make it sound like I'm blaming them for anything. Sometimes when I am really worried about how they'll react, I'll even take the other person out of my statement entirely, taking full responsibility on myself for the emotion: _"I've noticed that when X happens, I end up feeling Y. Could you help me?"_ I don't always remember to do this-often I still just avoid the conversation entirely. But when I have done it, I can say that I've had excellent results with it. I've used this approach with my wife and with a friend or two on different occasions, and they never got defensive or upset. People don't like being blamed and will throw up walls against that, but I think that most people are decent at heart and will respond really well to an honest request for aid.
If you get in love with a FA you are in deep shit. There is no way you can build up a good relationship. The meaning of giving and take is not there. You will get to many problems. In a relationship you dont put yourself always at number 1. Real love is to be there for eachother. They don't see it. Every secure person will go into anxious because of a avoidant. You will get lost and you need to heal again after the relationship
it's really mind boggling that we have to take a million baby steps and constantly walk on egg shells to prevent them from shutting down or running away, but they won't move a finger or listen to your needs because they are too caught up in their avoidant cycle. your videos helped me so much, so you have my endless thank you.
Why not walk away from such a person instead of complaining about them? If I’m not compatible with someone (friends, family, work colleagues etc) I don’t make an effort with them. Instead of feeling burdened and resentful release them. I say this as a FA and come to these videos to learn about my attachment style. I have met people who I have struggled connecting with who have different attachment styles but will not go to watch videos about the attachment styles I think they have just to complain about them instead to learn how to navigate around such people. The moment we drop the idea it’s “them not me” mentality the more successful relationships can be. As a FA if someone felt I was too much for them and never told me in a respectful manner I would pray they would leave me alone. No one wants to be anyone’s burden.
@@bangibabs because when you feel deep connection with someone, like I did, you don't just run away or avoid the problem, you try and try to fix the problem, you try talking to your partner, you give second chances etc. until it's clear it won't work. for anxiously attached people (which is what I was) that may mean months or years of clinging to something even when you know it's not rigjt for you. for securely attached people it may still means months of trying to work with the partner if they really care about them.
@@spiritwanderer777sounds like in your first comment you were being burdened. Nobody wants to feel like a burden to anyone. Walking on eggshells with anyone is just not healthy but wishing you well.
I'm FA and my boyfriend is anxious. I absolutely hate when he says "I love you" with the expectation that I will repeat it back to him. It feels like such a massive manipulation and I refuse to do it. He tells me he loves me 30 million times a day and I don't like it. I went cold on him recently after he told me I was his whole world. That's really scary to me.
Oh wow. I'm AP and my partner is FA. I said 'I love you' freely, but I don't really anymore because he always replied with 'I like you' (we are German, it makes more sense in our language). It doesn't come easy for him. He wants to only say it when he is fully feeling it. I'm fine with it now because he shows me he loves me every single day. Not gonna lie, at first I felt hurt and rejected. Take care of your AP, rejection is also a wound for us!
@@nellautumngirl When I say I love you it means "I'm feeling in love with you right now and it's wonderful." I don't say those words as a status update or check in. I also would never say that to elicit reciprocation which I feel is manipulative. When my boyfriend says I love you I receive it as a gift and I either smile at him or I grab his hand and squeeze it.
How are fearful avoidants as parents I would love to know how their trauma and their way of managing their trauma in relationships translate into their parenting style.
I look back and see that I trigger my FA But I've also looked at my trigger as a DA We were triggering each other funny and sad at the same time But knowledge is Power I now I have the tools maybe I'll get another shot at it who knows 🤔
F this! Im not going to remember scripts to talk to people. Thats so calculating and disingenuous. I have a secure attachment style so i am already conscious of how I communicate, I consider others feelings and needs, I allow others to have beliefs that are different to mine, I am loving and supportive, I am clear, direct and gentle in my communication....this is how i can see peoples stuff come up. I see them avoid, lash out, feel insecure, project onto me, gaslight, etc. and I know i need to run. Scripts makes you bend over backwards to not trigger them which is temporary and again, calculating and disingenuous, instead of them healing their trauma and doing the inner work to be a healthy individual. It's not your job to "fix" anyone. Heal your own issues and build your self worth and you won't play games with these people. There's nothing wrong with them....they are just not ready for a healthy relationship.
Yet are very comfortable brushing u off, disregarding ur needs, critical while pushing u away, passive aggressive while pushing u away, superficial and capricious confusing and hurtful without a care. All while protecting themselves. What is the upside? Sad.
Someone else mentioned this on here, but you can't have a healthy relationship with an FA (or work towards one) unless they're on the path of understanding and healing (speaking as an FA)
Are you sure? As a codependent people pleaser who likes to fix and rescue people, abhors direct conflict, and stays connected to people far longer than I should, it seems unlikely I comfortably brush people off, disregard their needs, don't protect and enjoy criticizing them. I am sure I am capricious and confusing (because I am confused) and passive-aggressive (to avoid drama and conflicts). Superficial? Definitely not; I am a deep thinker and have never been accused of superficiality. Is this a description of Dismissive Avoidants rather than the Fearfully Avoidant?
Funny how I need to constantly know how NOT to trigger my FA significant other, while he's having his way all the time. I know the sense of shame and guilt he goes through which is the reason I haven't broken up with him yet, but the whole thing is genuinely draining. I'd love to know what FA can offer because I'm not seeing enough.
No one will never try to understand you better than a FA. You'll feel free talking to them because you'll know there is no judgment there. They will dig so deep to get to know you. You'll feel so understood. Amazing quality time with these people. You don't have to speak your emotions to them, since they can truly read your micro expressions. As long as you don't trigger them, they will only see YOU for your true self. Being a FA who dated a FA, my best advice would be to put some boundaries in the right way. No disrespect (big trigger), no harsh words, you should only use the words "I feel..." Hope it helps!
Agreed, as a secure attachment style, I'm watching this video thinking- why do i have to make all the communications changes to conform to their insecure and unhealthy attachment style?? Isn't it on them to heal their trauma and learn to communicate as secure. They need to learn to operate as secure- it should not be me learning to operate as insecure.
@@lei8681 Thank you for your comment. I agree with you 100%. His ability and willingness to understand me is one of many reasons to love him. I came across non-violent communication a few weeks ago and it really works well just like what you stated :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate it♥️
@@myspirit.divinecenter2980 I think if that person is someone who I've known for years and years but just becoming intimate recently, it will worth a try. If it's a new person, I'll get the F out hahahaha.
@@lei8681 Thank you for your words. I’m going through some self-closure after a breakup with an FA. She left without a word when everything seemed to be fine. I don’t expect to hear from her again as she has left the country. Your words remind me that she did her best to understand me, see me and accept me for who I am. I will always be grateful for that. Thank you again. I would also like to thank the school and the community for sharing their comments. I especially appreciate the FA’s sharing what goes on for them after a breakup. It helps me to understand and feel compassion towards my ex.
Is this because "I can't tell you" is something that fearful avoidants tend to say? Because I actually had someone (who I discovered later was on the Cluster B spectrum) who said just this about very important things.
Yes. That's what it comes down to. You will notice as you learn more about FAs and watch Thais' content that having a healthy relationship with an FA is impossible if you are securely attached. You're starting to see why. The FA must be in the healing process in order for you to have a chance, and you must have the patience of a Saint and a complete lack of ego.
the thing is avoidant do go undetected bc most people are not aware of their behaviors and avoidant never wants to communicate bc they fear of rejection and abandonment.
i'm sorry but it really just feels like fearful avoidants are not not worth bothering with... maybe i'll feel differently about this one day, but so far feels like their wounds are always going to end up poisoning whatever work or progress you make with them. Is there something about FA that makes them less capable of introspection or empathy?
Are you kidding? FA's are tend to be extremely empathetic and constantly in our minds about ourselves. We are literally our biggest critiques. My good friend's fiancé said to her "I've never met anyone who's hurt her own feelings as much as you do." 😅 She's a FA too. I'm guessing you dated a FA and are hurt? This I'll tell you. Part of what you said may be true. I said to a good friend last year "Men are damned if they do and damned if they don't with me. They don't stand a chance." That wasn't me being arrogant or self-righteous. It came from a place of deep pain not understanding why I am the way I am. It took me being hurt by a DA and looking online at HIS faults before I discovered that I was just as much of part of the problem as he was. That's when I discovered Thais. Learning that I am a FA has been a wicked blessing because now I got help and I'm healing. Are you an AP? I think looking into and healing yourself is really important.
I can relate to many of these, though are these behaviors trigger specific to fearful avoidant only? For example, controlling behavior doesn't trigger secure attachment people? I don't think anyone likes controlling. What do you think?
Haha so true about brushing us FA’s off. We find that very disrespectful. Lmao I thought I was the only one who thought this. All of these are on point though. Lol oh and number #5 is a BIG no no. Please don't do this. We become really rebellious
This makes the other party walk on eggshells. Where's the compromise? Where's the effort on the part of the FA to move past their issues. Seems one-sided to me.
@robinleavy4095 You are the problem, not her. She is the lucky one for not being with you, not the other way around. Consider working on yourself, maybe its more beneficial then to be breaking up and hurting people when you are the one with the problem.
As a more secure FA I can tell you that she is most likely doing it as a form of distraction to not feel her feelings so strongly and it doesn't mean that she didn't care about you. That is the more avoidant side trying to create distance from the pain. I have done that in the past while I still had feelings for my ex. Like Thais had said in the past FAs have the least success with rebound relationships. As a more secure person I would say, you should mourn and grief the end of the relationship and focus on your healing and moving on. You will find the person who is right and healthy for you. I know when I was very FA I wasn't healthy enough to be in a long lasting relationship that was secure and healthy and I would sabotage all of my relationships.
@@cappygurl Wow thank you for sharing your experience. How long did it take you to recognize that you were an FA? And did you ever feel bad about sabotaging your relationships?
@@blaxpoitation8528 I was 37 when I found out about attachment styles and initially I thought I was an AP. It took watching a lot of Thais videos on all attachment styles and seeing my deactivation strategies, to realize I wasn't just AP like I thought. A month in after signing up for PDS and starting the courses I was enlightened with how I had sabotaged my past relationships and I felt horrible. I reached to my exes and apologized for the volatility and for everything I put them through. A little time after that I also saw how my deactivation strategies protected me from relationships that were not good for me. Making peace with it was a process.
It's ironic that all the things Thais mentioned not to say, FAs say to their partners and expect you to put up with it! FAs are drama queens, they keep you entertained, you got to love them for that? 🤣
you know what! I will say this shit to him if he dares to come in. I have lost all my empathy for him and I simply don't care if it hurts him or he gets sad or if it sends him into hermit mode. I often pretend to be a dismissive avoidant with FA's once I am done with them and that brings out their anxious side and I get to give them taste of their own medicine. attachment theory has really helped me
When someone’s “way of being” is trauma-based and causes themselves and others a lot of pain, it absolutely should be changed. Thias’s information is very empowering and healing for those of us who have been given hope and who have been able to heal and become securely attached after struggling with having a FA attachment style for years. Very grateful to now have the tools to self-diagnose and check my reactive tendencies. The freedom has been wonderful.
0:33 "I can't tell you." -- FA core wound: "I am unworthy." solution:: "I'm not ready to share that yet because I'm nervous about it, but let's continue getting to know each other."
2:11 "You're not doing enough." -- FA core wound: "I am unworthy; I am unseen; I am unheard." solution: "Let's do more of xyz together on Sunday."
3:26 "You should meet my expectation more." -- FA core wound: "I'm taken advantage of." solution: "I have these financial needs, how do you feel about sharing the cost?"
4:31 "I can't right now." -- FA core wound: "I'm annoying; I'm disrespected; I'm unimportant." -- solution: "I'm busy right now, but I'll come back to you when I'm finished."
6:30 "My way or the highway ." -- FA core wound: "I'm helpless; I'm taken advantage of." solution: "I have xyz need, I want to be considerate of your needs too, can we compromise on it?"
MVP 🏆
thank you❤️
what a victim mindset ffs!
1. I can't tell you
2. You're not doing enough
3. You should...
4. I can't right now
5. You have to do it my way
Listen to Thais inform you why these statements trigger the FA and how to rephrase to be authentic to your own needs by expressing them to the FA in a way that won't trigger them.
thank you for this
Wow, talk about walking on eggshells.
No thanks.
My supposed FA would say all those things. Greatest hypocrite I’ve ever met.
We’re almost certain now she was a covert narcissist.
Soft language made no difference. Was met with avoidance and stonewalling.
Being open and honest just resulted in being emotionally manipulated.
If I gave an inch, she took 100 miles.
Nothing worse than a covert narc convincing themselves and others that they are an FA.
No contact solved it.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 whoa aaron, sounds like my experience too. The soft and gentle dialog did nothing...
But ultimately I made the response and presented behavior of an understanding man, calm response, no cussing, reflective active listening... "oh you think youre better than me!"
It lead me to learn more about ADHD, attachment styles, emotional connection, emotion intelligence, boundaries, self validation and self affirmations
@@sf808opalaman sounds familiar.
I stopped being gentle and firm about it. Went hard boundaries and very direct. They hate accountability.
I got, “why is it always my fault” or “you think you’re so perfect” or “I don’t feel safe.”
It’s all bullshit deflection, blameshift and darvo.
🤮
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896word for word what I heard them say
What really triggered me was the "you're not doing enough". I feel so attuned to people and am always thinking of how to be considerate to others, so when someone says that, it really rubs me the wrong way. But I am starting to understand that I can be doing a lot but that it might not be what the other person needs or is looking for, so taking a step back and understanding what they need is really important so there are no mismatched expectations.
Amazing video. You basically just gave a lesson on manners and proper conduct when relating to humans, not just for fearful avoidants. I don't think any human appreciates these 5 being said to them in this manner.
It is a very dismissive yet entitlement driven tone. The pointers given here really help with achieving effective communication within any attachment style.
My girlfriend is a FA, and #5 has been a huge trigger for her. I'm ex military, so sometimes I just "take charge", and we've had dust ups over it. The explanation and suggestion make SO MUCH sense. I will definitely be more mindful of not demanding my way.
Great you're aware of this.
Paid murderer
The "you should..." Was huge in my previous relationship.
Forever I've said things like "maybe you should...." As a figure of speech never really thinking twice about it.
At 51 I've never had that phrase be such an issue until my previous relationship.
To the point that I got a text saying "maybe you should not just show up for 4th of July with my children and I". Then to teach me a lesson inviting 2 of family members over for the 4th and no me to teach me what happens when I say "you should/maybe you you should"
Now seeing this video it sheds some light on that phrase and how a FA may react.
The interesting part is when we were friends long before we dated I never got friction/static for saying that. Once we become romantically involved that all changed.
The more I see about Avodiants though the more things are making sense. Particularly the rebound dating aspect.
Her "I can never make it past 4 months" apparently has been going on for years since her husband passed 10 years ago.
I'm in no contact with no intention of ever getting back together. However for her and her children I hope she finds someone who can help her break that cycle. 🙏
Yeah, a therapist. Lol It's not anyone else's job to help anyone heal, except a professional.
As a fearful avoidant I most resonated with "you're not doing enough", "meet my expectations more" and "my way or the highway". That basically killed my last friendship as it left no room for compromise.
Oh hell no. I keep meticulous track of things done. I almost always strive to do more than the other person. However, I never will tell someone they're not doing enough. I'm happy to do up to 70% of the work. If someone claims I'm not pulling my weight, I will likely shut down and become borderline mute towards that person. I will try to be more verbal or engaging, but sometimes my body will not allow me to.
However, I'm willing to openly discuss all these these triggering statements but oftentimes, the other person isn't willing. They expect me to read their minds and act in accordance to their expectations they have of me.
I feel so validated hearing these! I've been blaming myself for getting triggered over simple things, and this really helped me be more mindful and gentle towards myself!
Same!! I'm not sensitive because I'm an a**hole, I'm sensitive because I'm wounded right where that comment rubs. It's not really their fault, but thank goodness now I can know it's not mine either.
Number 5 - totally a trigger for me - I definitely don’t want to feel controlled and I totally rebel to things stated as control and I need the vulnerability shared in order for it to land as a boundary grounded in trust and respect!
🙄
Yeah... like showing vulnerability really works with an FA 🙄
@@harry-james-books it does!
Wow, my family says all of these. No wonder I get triggered around them. Now I know what I need them to say instead and I’ll express that to them from today. Thank you for the video 💕
It's probably why you became avoidant, makes sense :) My mom triggers me soo much, I'm AP. It's actually a really good chance to set boundaries with family
Anyone who can make it long term with a FA is a saint! I dont blame FAs but wow, talk about eggshells. To walk through land mine after land mine requires someone who is truly a special person. Cannot be very many of them out there so im guessing there are a lot of single FAs.
31 years. That's how long I've been with my husband.
I didn't know there was a name for how he feels and behaves. We're learning.
lol we walk on eggshells with anyone who has insecure attachment style. That is why it is important to work on being secure instead of worrying about how difficult the next person is.
@@CeeP211our experiences differ but I hear you. I’ve walked on eggshells with people that presented AA, FA, DA, AP. However I noticed when I pick up on a person’s attachment style I know how to navigate around said person. Approach is important. If I feel a person can be too much for me to handle I choose to opt out and engage and love from a distance. Sometimes as people we have a “this is how I am take it or leave it” mindset which may clash with different personalities.
2,5 years relationship after a few months of friendship. The relationship was a quality one, we were vulnerable and I always tried to meet her needs. She was an FA and I didn't realize the attachement styles and stuff but luckily, after our breakup I found out those things so I started to work actively on myself (Im an AP). I hope we will have a second chance because I really think we were compatible, especially after I worked on my issues.
I do. After a certain point if you know you don't make sense and are unwell you shouldn't be with anyone until willing and doing the introspection and behaviors to follow. Otherwise your just a person riddled in excuse. Some FAs try and I understand that. But all these things never are given a second thought? It's like one big cycle...and shouldn't be demonized but it should nit be accepted either. We have to take responsibility for how we act, show up and if your unaware what abhealthy relationship is, then research it. If it is hard to do those things, then address it. Otherwise we are on hamster wheels. It's quite bizarre to me for people to know they are unhealthy, yet proceed to try and try and yet repeat and repeat. It's quite jarring and quite unfair. If an FA were anyone else we wouldn't be on here asking what's wrong with them. What's wrong with Ted bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer? What's wrong with people with PTSD who abuse their partners. Should we say we'll It's hard, they have PTSD. Perhaps bringing awareness to the inappropriate or dysfunctional behavior. How they respond, will be how you know. Are they attempting serious discussions, are they honest and faithful, do they take the necessary steps to change and implement and practice it. They won't change overnight, but can take steps. I believe a FA deserves love and kindness but I also think they need to take accountability and stop running...and rid their toxic behavior. If not. Leave them they arent ready and no amount of love nor understanding will change them. These are things they need to change themselves. You tolerating poor behavior isn't an answer. They are alot like children. They need to be taught. You sit, hold yoir composure and tell them their behavior is unacceptable. You say you will speak when ready. They need to learn what bad behavior is considered and not coddled after it. It only promotes more bad behavior. Enabling. I've made that mistake bc you read about them and we all think we can help, we can model good behavior and nothing else. We can have boundaries and deal breakers and nothing else. We can tolerate or not tolerate things we don't want To. We also shouldn't accept bread crumbs. They leave you hanging? Blocked you...let them know calmly what that does to you. If that isn't respected on multiple occasions the FA isn't ready. And it's something you must accept . Don't feel so badly for someone who doesn't feel so badly for you. Certain behaviors are just not ok. And any of the four deadly horseman of a relationship is a straight NO. There are ways to deal with things. But if your seeing walking away over the simplest things just know it will get worse once you tolerate this more and more. Advice. Attempt a calm approach...Always. Otherwise you will scare the bejesus out of them. Hmm think of them like a caged animal who just got free. Finally out and learning all the things we learned as children and young adults...have empathy but boundaries. What's your non negotiable. What is your compromise. Give them space. And offer it as well when you see them flustered. Don't take their aloofness personally. Don't get angry at the many walk outs or shut downs. Unless there is compromise, on BOTH ENDS, walk away. It will be worse not better.
As an FA, how you say things are more important than what you're saying but yeah we hate people trying to control us. We need to somehow feel that we still have our independence and not being manipulated or controlled by anyone.
Just be alone until you work on those issues so others dont need to walk on eggshells 🙄
@@niccolom4556 not about walking on eggshells. It's just about respecting people's boundaries. I have found someone similar to me and he is wonderful. No need for you to project.
I feel triggered just hearing the example of the “harsh way” of saying things and it makes me want to run lol. But when u say it in the considerable way I feel safer and can totally respect their boundaries and communicate back like a kind compassionate adult.
I can relate to a lot of these. My mom tends to trigger me most with things like this. Relating to the “you’re not doing enough” and “you have to” triggers in particular. She’s constantly telling me how to be a “good” wife and that I have to do this or that to be good enough. Recently my husband and I both got Covid and my mom only has sympathy for my husband. She also told me that I HAVE to make my husband chicken soup, that it’s something that I need to do because that’s what a good wife does. Didn’t matter that I was also sick, my husband wasn’t told to make ME soup. It triggers a lot of core wounds for me when she does this, especially “I’m not enough/I’m not worthy”.
Ugh. Im sorry, that sounds terrible
Seriously, how demeaning to you as a person. 🙄 That's awful.
Sometimes I wonder: do people even hear themselves when they talk? Good grief.
My sister used to boss me around like a slave. I tend to shudder when people tell me what to do or exhibit even the slightest things that can be construed as controlling behavior. However, I will often shrug it off and claim everything's fine and may even joke by cranking up my people pleasing. I think my tendency to people please is sort of preemptive "I'll do it before you to tell me to do it" thing. I suppose it's a way to feel more in control of myself than being controlled by others, when the reality is I'm still allowing external things control myself.
All of those phrases would trigger the heck out of me, thankfully and gratefully I don’t have anyone in my life who says these things to me. Maybe because I run for the hills anytime someone remotely exhibits an inkling towards this type of behavior. I’ve come a long way, there was a time not so long ago when I wouldn’t speak up for myself in anyway, not anymore.
100% accurate. I can definitely relate to being triggered by all of these before PDS. Now, I can recognize that the other person's response or behavior is just their programming and I don't take it personally. I'm still working on the fear of being trapped and controlled, but I'm able to share that instead of reacting.
#5 is a huge trigger for me at work. I have a newer co-worker who is a quasi-supervisor and always wants processes followed in exactly a specific way. I get incredibly irritated and frustrated every time it happens or they call me out for not exactly following their procedures, though I also try to mask it during meetings and elsewhere. I've grown to almost hate this person because of this behavior, and I guess it's just helpful to know now what might be driving that feeling so I can work on reframing, refocusing, and keeping my cool.
And hey, maybe more than reframing and refocusing could be warranted! It might be difficult to say something, but I don't think all the work should be on you to have to bend over backwards for an uptight prick just because they're OCD. Your screwing the bolts on in the "wrong" order is probably a lot less damaging to the work environment than their controlling and oppressive communication habits. Obviously certain procedures might be legitimate, but if you could find an example or two of ones that are little more than preference, do you think it might be worth bringing the matter up to a higher-up?
This was an interesting series! I kind of predicted the “not enough” statement!
The concept of ‘consideration’ is helpful.
Coincidentally, the FA I'm dating is the least considerate person I've ever dated.
Be considerate but expect nothing. Literally.
As a fearful avoidant, just hearing the example phrases of what not to say, was triggering for me haha. Actually made me sad. Guess they definitely are phrases to not use 😂😢
I am usually okay with someone saying "I can't tell you" from the perspective of needing information. I can respect the need for privacy, and I would much rather have someone say that they don't want to tell me something than to lie to me. I have huge trust issues and fears of betrayal. Besides, I rarely ask questions for the purpose of gaining information. If I ask questions, it is to see how they feel about something, or to see if there are any incongruences.
However, it would be very triggering if it was implied that I am unworthy of knowing something important in a relationship, or that I cannot be trusted with information.
100% relate to the others!
Thank you. This was helpful!
I was getting anxious about tasks both my partner and I had to do. And I was worried he was going to leave me with the bulk of the tasks, so I was attempting to ask for reassurance that he was going to help. He turned it around and called me ungrateful for the stuff that he had already been doing. That upset me A LOT because I'm hypervigilant and was honestly just looking for some reassurance...
DA/FA do not like to reassure and affirm others. But boy!! They DEMAND it from us!! Were suppose to read their minds and take action, FOR THEM!!
Think I am doing well with an FA. I usually say what I want and what I feel and what I'm doing. I also ask him about the same. Now he's doing the same without me asking sometimes.
Autonomy is huge for me. It's a way in which I deeply fear that I'm not enough, and to have somebody talk to me in a way that dismisses my ability to think is so utterly triggering. I actually have trouble even with really silly small triggers like my wife telling me which highway lane I'm gonna need to be in. It's a small, absent-minded, harmless thing for her. But I'm immediately irritated. For one, the wording-don't tell me where I need to be. But second, I have a brain. If I'm going to be taking the next exit and turning right, don't you think I know which lane I need to be in?
And so what? Even if we miss the turn, in my mind I'd rather miss the turn twice than be reminded once.
Like I said! It's a small and relatively inconsequential trigger. But I can relate to how easy it is for small communications to rub you the wrong way and sour your mood.
I grew up with a bossy controlling sister. When people tell me to do things, I often have a visceral reaction and want to yell "I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!!" But I tend to bottle it up and act like their words are merely words but the resentment builds.
Started to write, and it quickly became a paragraph, so I'll try to keep it short. Great video for a potential partner, so saved and appreciated. But what can I do, know you have a course on it, but physical therapy bills, yoga and some courses I'm already enrolled in. Kinda to rich for my blood as of now, but would love to get some pointers on what to do, how to start changing my relationship problems, as I am at a point in my life where I actually have just let that go, just accepted, relationships ain't for me, not because I don't want one, but rather, well this video said it all. And at the end of the day, it's my issues, it's my feeling and my responsibility, something I need to take seriously and work on, and to put my attachment style issues on a nother person and their are to take responsibility for my relationship problems, that's something I don't want to do. Reason for this, is something a psychiatric nurse I know said, " we just overlook the mildest and first symptoms of serious mental illnesses, as they have become so normal, just the amount of people showing them, we just don't have the resources to help them" and getting to know her, understand how mental illness shows it self in behaviour patterns. So I started, yoga, therapy not because I need it, because I want to prevent needing therapy. So I embarked on a journey of change, and my relationship issues, is something I am very much interested in working on.
If you work on becoming more secure, relationships will become much easier! She has many videos toward that on her channel. & with that process, things that once triggered you will be much less or even not at all triggering. I wish you the best of luck on your journey! :)
I’m FA and these are 100% true!!!
Your videos are so helpful thank you
LOL @ "You should" statements. That's such a huge one for me. I can actually remember asking a friend when I was eleven years old to do me a favor, and never, EVER start a sentence with 'you should' to me ever again! I can't stand it when someone tries to tell me what I "should" do, not just in the context of what I "should" do in a relationship, but also in the case of telling me what I "should" do in my life overall. (The one exception to this rule is when someone is genuinely suggesting something I may not have thought of/heard about, and immediately accepts my answer without pushing further, e.g., "Hey, I just heard about this opportunity you'd be perfect for--you should apply for it!") I also feel like "you should" is verrrrrry connected to #5, as they are both controlling behaviors. (Also connected to "you're not doing enough", as well.) The reframes on all of these, and also on the brushing off one and the "I can't tell you" one, are so, so perfect. 100% spot on from start to finish, as usual.
Me too!!! I hate being told what to do, and will completely go doing the exact opposite
Hmmm I'm immensely surprised that "I'd like to talk to you about something next time I see you" wasn't included in this list.
I said this to my FA, and he took off. Cheated on me. Lied about it. Dumped me for the person he cheated with.
Blamed me for it.
Never even stopped to ask what I wanted to talk to him about.
2 years later, he still doesn't know.
Tbh fuck that. I am ignoring all my boundaries, I am so kind, so patient. And still I get treated like garbage, like a stranger. Dating a FA is the most toxic thing I EVER experienced. I have to do all the work, I have to beg for forgiveness for minor stuff but I have to accept everything that is done to me. No. I'm done. She can come back and ask for forgiveness but I am not going to kill myself to be enough for a person.
Preach!!
@@sunbeam9222 I was myself but when she had a grip on me she turned to such a vile person. Especially this hot-cold shit (which ramps up slowly) is so addictive. I would generally agree but it was like she first tried to get to my heart and THEN she became crazy and started tearing down my walls
It is a mistake to "ignore your boundaries" as you say, with an FA. Thais says herself in this video or others that FAs appreciate boundaries being held and communicated. In general, if you don't set boundaries then yes you will be treated like garbage, because no one can respect a boundary that doesn't exist. It's a cliché that's absolutely true, people won't respect you if you don't respect yourself, and that's true of most people not just FAs. You thought you were doing them a favour to not respect yourself, but in fact it's much better for both people when you do.
I’m an FA and would say if you feel disrespected leave a person that violates your boundaries. I know I do not like people violating my boundaries so why on earth would I violate another person’s, especially if they have been clearly communicated to me. Thing I am noticing about those with insecure attachment styles ( DA’s FA’s and AP’s) everyone thinks they are a victim but people with a secure attachment style will not even entertain that thought and would just simply except that they are not compatible with a person who continues to violate their boundaries and will respectfully move on.
Wish her well and move on. I understood venting but when done focus on finding the right person who you are able to work with and communicate efficiently and effectively with. Find out your attachment style and rather watch videos geared towards you so that you can understand why you attract someone who upsets you to this extent and videos that will help you understand your style with the focus of being more secure so that you build better relationships. I know that’s my focus and journey, to be secure. Watch other styles only for purpose to understand others in order to navigate around others with different attachment styles because we do not live in a vacuum. Not to be judgmental or resentful that’s a sign of also having an insecure attachment style that you have not dealt with.
Would you mind doing the same video but for a DA? I would greatly appreciate that as much as I did for this video.
this is actually really true. I am FA trying to work on myself but sometimes I just feel that it's I guess better to put up those walls and deactivate coz most times whenever I try becoming vulnerable I tend to be taken advantage of. the "you should do this" and I can't tell you. really triggers me a lot. I just shut you out.
Set boundaries. Putting up walls or running away are both unhealthy. Boundaries is healthy
I feel like these are things that should/shouldn't be done in any relationship to be healthy, regardless of their type :)
But I understand that the point of the video is that these can be particularly extra triggering for someone who is fearful
I have realized that I have fearful-avoidant tendencies. I noticed that I feel uneasy when their is no commitment in a relationship. Recently, I had broke up with a potential partner because I felt like they were unsure about me. Sometimes, I feel as if I broke ties with the person too soon. What are some ways not to be triggered when experiencing this situation?
From what I am starting to realise now (I am an actively recovering FA), it starts with honouring how you feel. Get clear about what you want and set boundaries around it. Once you've done that, you present what you want in a way that is clear and true to you. Once you do that, if the other person decides to give you what you want... great. If not, it may be time to remove yourself. But I would say, it starts with asking for what you want. Learn to become more comfortable with giving yourself a voice, once you understand exactly how you feel about something. That may involve taking time out to process the raw emotions that come up for you - sit with them for a while and truly understand them in light of FA triggers - accept them as being true for you in the moment and then speak on them. 'When you did X, I felt Y' or 'I am really enjoying getting to know you, but I would like something more serious. Is this something you can give?' - as long as you've honoured your needs and articulated the TRUE emotions you are feeling, then there's nothing else you can do. The person/people for you, will hear you and want to be a part of your life.
I definitely agree with everything that @@ladyenfamouz said. Communicating needs is the only way I can see to really bridge that gap. And to be clear-if you are feeling insecure about a relationship, that most certainly constitutes a need, and a reasonable one at that.
One method that I've found incredibly helpful for sharing my needs is to broach the conversation by asking the person in a light tone if they could help me with something-asking in the same kind of tone that I would use to ask for a very simple favor, like helping me carry something or holding a door open. Then, after they've agreed, I will use the same sort of formula that Jaayoos described: _"when you do X, I end up feeling Y. Could you help me?"_ I've found that phrasing it as a simple request for help makes the conversation a lot easier for me to initiate. I try to be really careful not to make it sound like I'm blaming them for anything. Sometimes when I am really worried about how they'll react, I'll even take the other person out of my statement entirely, taking full responsibility on myself for the emotion: _"I've noticed that when X happens, I end up feeling Y. Could you help me?"_
I don't always remember to do this-often I still just avoid the conversation entirely. But when I have done it, I can say that I've had excellent results with it. I've used this approach with my wife and with a friend or two on different occasions, and they never got defensive or upset. People don't like being blamed and will throw up walls against that, but I think that most people are decent at heart and will respond really well to an honest request for aid.
If you get in love with a FA you are in deep shit. There is no way you can build up a good relationship. The meaning of giving and take is not there. You will get to many problems. In a relationship you dont put yourself always at number 1. Real love is to be there for eachother. They don't see it. Every secure person will go into anxious because of a avoidant. You will get lost and you need to heal again after the relationship
Thank you for your service 🙏🏾 ❤️
it's really mind boggling that we have to take a million baby steps and constantly walk on egg shells to prevent them from shutting down or running away, but they won't move a finger or listen to your needs because they are too caught up in their avoidant cycle. your videos helped me so much, so you have my endless thank you.
Why not walk away from such a person instead of complaining about them? If I’m not compatible with someone (friends, family, work colleagues etc) I don’t make an effort with them. Instead of feeling burdened and resentful release them. I say this as a FA and come to these videos to learn about my attachment style. I have met people who I have struggled connecting with who have different attachment styles but will not go to watch videos about the attachment styles I think they have just to complain about them instead to learn how to navigate around such people. The moment we drop the idea it’s “them not me” mentality the more successful relationships can be.
As a FA if someone felt I was too much for them and never told me in a respectful manner I would pray they would leave me alone. No one wants to be anyone’s burden.
You're literally doing #2.
@@bangibabs because when you feel deep connection with someone, like I did, you don't just run away or avoid the problem, you try and try to fix the problem, you try talking to your partner, you give second chances etc. until it's clear it won't work. for anxiously attached people (which is what I was) that may mean months or years of clinging to something even when you know it's not rigjt for you. for securely attached people it may still means months of trying to work with the partner if they really care about them.
@@spiritwanderer777sounds like in your first comment you were being burdened. Nobody wants to feel like a burden to anyone. Walking on eggshells with anyone is just not healthy but wishing you well.
@bangibabs That's complaining, that's him pointing it out. How it can be so one sided
I'm FA and my boyfriend is anxious. I absolutely hate when he says "I love you" with the expectation that I will repeat it back to him. It feels like such a massive manipulation and I refuse to do it. He tells me he loves me 30 million times a day and I don't like it. I went cold on him recently after he told me I was his whole world. That's really scary to me.
Oh wow. I'm AP and my partner is FA. I said 'I love you' freely, but I don't really anymore because he always replied with 'I like you' (we are German, it makes more sense in our language). It doesn't come easy for him. He wants to only say it when he is fully feeling it. I'm fine with it now because he shows me he loves me every single day. Not gonna lie, at first I felt hurt and rejected. Take care of your AP, rejection is also a wound for us!
@@nellautumngirl When I say I love you it means "I'm feeling in love with you right now and it's wonderful." I don't say those words as a status update or check in. I also would never say that to elicit reciprocation which I feel is manipulative. When my boyfriend says I love you I receive it as a gift and I either smile at him or I grab his hand and squeeze it.
@@ad6417 Ahh I see. Ok, that makes total sense then. That's so different from how I think it didn't even occur to me 😄✌🏻
OMG you are so dysfunctional… you probably shouldn’t even be in any relationship.
@@TheLace I dumped him a month ago
2 FA's being married is like torture. I'm so tired! I know she is too!
How are fearful avoidants as parents I would love to know how their trauma and their way of managing their trauma in relationships translate into their parenting style.
So true to me!
“Can I take you on a date”
-Triggered->ghosted -> blocked
So true and helpful as a fearful avoidant we tend to be so confusing
You people need God. lol
I look back and see that I trigger my FA
But I've also looked at my trigger as a DA
We were triggering each other funny and sad at the same time
But knowledge is Power
I now I have the tools maybe I'll get another shot at it who knows 🤔
F this! Im not going to remember scripts to talk to people. Thats so calculating and disingenuous. I have a secure attachment style so i am already conscious of how I communicate, I consider others feelings and needs, I allow others to have beliefs that are different to mine, I am loving and supportive, I am clear, direct and gentle in my communication....this is how i can see peoples stuff come up. I see them avoid, lash out, feel insecure, project onto me, gaslight, etc. and I know i need to run. Scripts makes you bend over backwards to not trigger them which is temporary and again, calculating and disingenuous, instead of them healing their trauma and doing the inner work to be a healthy individual. It's not your job to "fix" anyone. Heal your own issues and build your self worth and you won't play games with these people. There's nothing wrong with them....they are just not ready for a healthy relationship.
This was really helpful!
This video is so helpful. 🌸
Yet are very comfortable brushing u off, disregarding ur needs, critical while pushing u away, passive aggressive while pushing u away, superficial and capricious confusing and hurtful without a care. All while protecting themselves. What is the upside? Sad.
Someone else mentioned this on here, but you can't have a healthy relationship with an FA (or work towards one) unless they're on the path of understanding and healing (speaking as an FA)
This
Are you sure? As a codependent people pleaser who likes to fix and rescue people, abhors direct conflict, and stays connected to people far longer than I should, it seems unlikely I comfortably brush people off, disregard their needs, don't protect and enjoy criticizing them. I am sure I am capricious and confusing (because I am confused) and passive-aggressive (to avoid drama and conflicts). Superficial? Definitely not; I am a deep thinker and have never been accused of superficiality. Is this a description of Dismissive Avoidants rather than the Fearfully Avoidant?
That's not an fa
Yes that’s a FA.
Funny how I need to constantly know how NOT to trigger my FA significant other, while he's having his way all the time. I know the sense of shame and guilt he goes through which is the reason I haven't broken up with him yet, but the whole thing is genuinely draining. I'd love to know what FA can offer because I'm not seeing enough.
No one will never try to understand you better than a FA. You'll feel free talking to them because you'll know there is no judgment there. They will dig so deep to get to know you. You'll feel so understood. Amazing quality time with these people. You don't have to speak your emotions to them, since they can truly read your micro expressions. As long as you don't trigger them, they will only see YOU for your true self. Being a FA who dated a FA, my best advice would be to put some boundaries in the right way. No disrespect (big trigger), no harsh words, you should only use the words "I feel..." Hope it helps!
Agreed, as a secure attachment style, I'm watching this video thinking- why do i have to make all the communications changes to conform to their insecure and unhealthy attachment style?? Isn't it on them to heal their trauma and learn to communicate as secure. They need to learn to operate as secure- it should not be me learning to operate as insecure.
@@lei8681 Thank you for your comment. I agree with you 100%. His ability and willingness to understand me is one of many reasons to love him. I came across non-violent communication a few weeks ago and it really works well just like what you stated :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate it♥️
@@myspirit.divinecenter2980 I think if that person is someone who I've known for years and years but just becoming intimate recently, it will worth a try. If it's a new person, I'll get the F out hahahaha.
@@lei8681 Thank you for your words. I’m going through some self-closure after a breakup with an FA. She left without a word when everything seemed to be fine. I don’t expect to hear from her again as she has left the country. Your words remind me that she did her best to understand me, see me and accept me for who I am. I will always be grateful for that. Thank you again.
I would also like to thank the school and the community for sharing their comments. I especially appreciate the FA’s sharing what goes on for them after a breakup. It helps me to understand and feel compassion towards my ex.
So they don't like the way they treat other people. 😮
@Thais, do healed DA’s become more optimistic? Less negative minded?
yes
Wow. I have been doing all of this to my FA/DA husband. No wonder he is constantly triggered.
This are exactly what FA does and say to others.
Exactly! I find it very hypocritical.
@@julesD0222 Agree.
As a secure, none of these triggered me in the slightest way at all.
I only date secures as a rule now.
Is this because "I can't tell you" is something that fearful avoidants tend to say? Because I actually had someone (who I discovered later was on the Cluster B spectrum) who said just this about very important things.
Yes.
That's what it comes down to.
You will notice as you learn more about FAs and watch Thais' content that having a healthy relationship with an FA is impossible if you are securely attached. You're starting to see why. The FA must be in the healing process in order for you to have a chance, and you must have the patience of a Saint and a complete lack of ego.
the thing is avoidant do go undetected bc most people are not aware of their behaviors and avoidant never wants to communicate bc they fear of rejection and abandonment.
If they ever get healed, will they likely look for new person?
i'm sorry but it really just feels like fearful avoidants are not not worth bothering with... maybe i'll feel differently about this one day, but so far feels like their wounds are always going to end up poisoning whatever work or progress you make with them. Is there something about FA that makes them less capable of introspection or empathy?
Are you kidding? FA's are tend to be extremely empathetic and constantly in our minds about ourselves. We are literally our biggest critiques. My good friend's fiancé said to her "I've never met anyone who's hurt her own feelings as much as you do." 😅 She's a FA too. I'm guessing you dated a FA and are hurt?
This I'll tell you. Part of what you said may be true. I said to a good friend last year "Men are damned if they do and damned if they don't with me. They don't stand a chance." That wasn't me being arrogant or self-righteous. It came from a place of deep pain not understanding why I am the way I am. It took me being hurt by a DA and looking online at HIS faults before I discovered that I was just as much of part of the problem as he was. That's when I discovered Thais. Learning that I am a FA has been a wicked blessing because now I got help and I'm healing. Are you an AP? I think looking into and healing yourself is really important.
What to do if they honestly are not doing enough though?
6: I'm off. I want a proper relationship with someone normal
I wish I would have known🥺🥺🥺
How can you tell if she is a fearful avoidant or dismissal avoidant
I can relate to many of these, though are these behaviors trigger specific to fearful avoidant only? For example, controlling behavior doesn't trigger secure attachment people? I don't think anyone likes controlling. What do you think?
Controlling behavior definitely triggers secure attachments. It doesn't work for me.
She looks like a real life water tribe member.
I have not had history of getting in a relationship so i don't know what to say
I know a FA who doesn't like getting stonewalled but stonewalls people. Lol
Or hates to be stonewalled before they thought of it first.
Sounds like me! 😁
Haha so true about brushing us FA’s off. We find that very disrespectful. Lmao I thought I was the only one who thought this. All of these are on point though. Lol oh and number #5 is a BIG no no. Please don't do this. We become really rebellious
This makes the other party walk on eggshells. Where's the compromise? Where's the effort on the part of the FA to move past their issues. Seems one-sided to me.
Fearful avoidants sounds similar to anxious attachment style
Fearful avoidants are a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Some call it (anxious/avoidant).
Depends on your attachment style. If they’re being more anxious, it could be that you’re either secure or on the dismissive avoidant side.
Wow. I'm glad I broke up with my ex 😅 I'm fearful avoidant and she did all of these consistently.
She didn’t do it on purpose! Seriously FA are very high maintenance. Got to work on becoming more secured.
@robinleavy4095
You are the problem, not her.
She is the lucky one for not being with you, not the other way around.
Consider working on yourself, maybe its more beneficial then to be breaking up and hurting people when you are the one with the problem.
It's too late, this information doesn't matter anymore
Her info and presentation style really work well for me, but her vocal fry…😬😵💫
Fact of the matter is no one should walk on eggshlls to cater for someone else. Fix your shit or don't date anybody 🤷♂
Thais can you please make a video about what you would do if you find out your ex gf (fa in my case ) is already on tinder a few days into no contact
As a more secure FA I can tell you that she is most likely doing it as a form of distraction to not feel her feelings so strongly and it doesn't mean that she didn't care about you. That is the more avoidant side trying to create distance from the pain. I have done that in the past while I still had feelings for my ex. Like Thais had said in the past FAs have the least success with rebound relationships. As a more secure person I would say, you should mourn and grief the end of the relationship and focus on your healing and moving on. You will find the person who is right and healthy for you.
I know when I was very FA I wasn't healthy enough to be in a long lasting relationship that was secure and healthy and I would sabotage all of my relationships.
@@cappygurl thanks for this ♥️
@@Reptilefan101 Glad I could provide some insight, you are very welcome.
@@cappygurl Wow thank you for sharing your experience. How long did it take you to recognize that you were an FA? And did you ever feel bad about sabotaging your relationships?
@@blaxpoitation8528 I was 37 when I found out about attachment styles and initially I thought I was an AP. It took watching a lot of Thais videos on all attachment styles and seeing my deactivation strategies, to realize I wasn't just AP like I thought. A month in after signing up for PDS and starting the courses I was enlightened with how I had sabotaged my past relationships and I felt horrible. I reached to my exes and apologized for the volatility and for everything I put them through. A little time after that I also saw how my deactivation strategies protected me from relationships that were not good for me. Making peace with it was a process.
1. I can’t tell you. Be transparent.
2. You’re not doing enough.
3. You should xyz
4. Communication scripts
5. Do it my way
It's ironic that all the things Thais mentioned not to say, FAs say to their partners and expect you to put up with it!
FAs are drama queens, they keep you entertained, you got to love them for that? 🤣
It’s hard to date an FA, just don’t do it. Their wounds are their wounds, let them fix those and come into a relationship.
This is so damn nitpicky.
you know what! I will say this shit to him if he dares to come in. I have lost all my empathy for him and I simply don't care if it hurts him or he gets sad or if it sends him into hermit mode. I often pretend to be a dismissive avoidant with FA's once I am done with them and that brings out their anxious side and I get to give them taste of their own medicine. attachment theory has really helped me
Stop stigmatizing peoples way of being
When someone’s “way of being” is trauma-based and causes themselves and others a lot of pain, it absolutely should be changed. Thias’s information is very empowering and healing for those of us who have been given hope and who have been able to heal and become securely attached after struggling with having a FA attachment style for years. Very grateful to now have the tools to self-diagnose and check my reactive tendencies. The freedom has been wonderful.
That’s the most FA / DA response I’ve read.
Thanks for the example!