I'm a fearful-avoidant and I'm a chronic procrastinator, because if I were to not succeed at something it reinforces my core beliefs of not being good enough or worthy of success and progress. It feels safer for me to imagine how I want my life to be rather than to actually live it.
Could it be you may also suffer from adhd ? And it’s not that you don’t want to succeed you really do but it’s difficult to actually make that happen. I only say cuz this is very similar to me and I have inattentive adhd relentless procrastination is a symptom. Along with losing things, careless mistakes, having to have people repeat things or like rewind what you’ve just watched ect ... adhd can be really really debilitating you have all these intentions that you never see through and it’s a huge blow to your self worth. For me my adhd symptoms were around in my adolescence and my mom would use these symptoms as proof I’m not worthy of love. And to justify the way she treated me it was ok for her to cross my boundaries because I was already useless and inept and I didn’t matter . Ect ect Also for me with inattentive adhd I’m less so hyperactive its more so imaginative and getting lost in other worlds. It’s wishing to make your life the way you dream of it but falling short because you actually have a disorder and you have trouble maintaining the consistency it takes to survive in a world like this. But this is very treatable my life is different since I discovered this abt myself
1. Over-giver generous 2. Perfectionist 3. Anxious with dismissive avoidant 4. Big feelers highly empathetic 5. Read people extremely well 6. Interested in human behavior 7. Struggle with small talk 8. Pain and Pleasure around connexion flip flop 9. Subject to limerance 10. Workhaolic 11. Way too open and supicious at the same time 12. Chronic guilt and Shame 13. Need to feel seen worthy 14. Needing novelty 15. Enmenshment trauma
one thing i noticed about being a FA: we hate asking for help. we want to do it on our own. we don't like relying on people. but there are some people who tend to take advantage of us when they realize that we are people pleaser. so, as a FA, i worked on those two things. i ask for help when i need it instead of struggling on my own. and i don't hesitate to say NO when i really don't wanna do it. and i try my best to express my feelings and my needs everytime it is needed. i'm working my way out of my FA attachment style to a secure one. i pintpoint all my subconscious attitudes and made them conscious and now everytime i'm in a situation , i always take my time analyzing myself To decide what step i should take To avoid falling in my subconscious pattern. i don't consider anymore that i should earn anyone' s love. i only want to share.
This describes the woman I love Her distant cycles are a great catalyst for working through my own anxiety issues Maybe someday I can gain her trust and come to know the pearl that lives within her hardened shell. 💕💞💖
@@motogrey3707 as a FA, i used to have a hard time opening up to others. because, first i think To be able To open up, i needed To have the other one showing up his vulnerability first, and then i needed To be questioned in an intimate conversation with précise question. i needed To feel that the other one really cared for who i am. having someone showing me his ability to understand my struggles made me want to open up and share my deepest feelings. for that, some empathy is needed. since i'm an empath, i have that ability To make anyone open up to me. people will open up to someone only if they feel deeply understood and not judge, and if you share some of your own vulnerability that's the recipe.
@Nathaniel Smythe be transparent and be congruent with your words and actions. if you say something, just DO it. and if you do something, just say it. if we pick up in any incongruency, we are done because it Will show that we can't trust you. BE HONEST. don't try to lie to hide your weaknesses, because we're going to feel it. man up and just assume who you are. we love people who show their weaknesses and their vulnerabilities, and don't try to play it cool.
Omg I think this is me. I thought I was just avoidant, but I'm realizing I'm Fearful Avoidant. I have pretty much been single for like a decade (I'm in my 30s), mostly because I feel like my life is never where I want it to be. I fluctuate between feeling good being single and working on myself and wondering if I could even navigate a healthy romantic relationship. I also fear I would attract someone abusive OR mess up a relationship with a healthy/secure person. I genuinely feel like I have nothing to offer to someone in a relationship 😔 and worry that I will be "found out" if someone gets too close to me.
Well said. And the way she presents it with an air of curiosity rather than judgment really helps me absorb it somehow. It's like if it is presented as a terminal condition I shut down. But she has a great way of helping even difficult information find its way in easily.
THIS IS TOTALLY ME. I use to wonder why i was so fascinated by love and how i didn't feel worthy enough but i still craved it but feared it at the same time.
I almost commented this exact same thing and saw this comment right when i scrolled down! I felt everything she said so much that it made me very emotional, everything she said is completely me and I now feel this huge understanding of myself that I hadn't completely before.
Yep; either a super high achiever or a depressed mess. Hypervigilance and reading people. Subject to limerance (oh my god, so true. Limerance is like..my thing...lasts 6 months to a year). Workaholic (yep). Trusting and suspicious at the same time. Chronic guilt and shame (yep). Enmeshment trauma.
I just screen shot you comment. So me! Now I have a cheat sheet to peek at (if) I am ever back in a relationship. Just crashed the last one with my intensity
You didn't say a single thing that didn't describe me. Each point was spot on. Being in a relationship as a fearful avoidant is exhausting, for me. I have a hard time dealing with my own hot and cold behavior and all of the work I have to do to shield my partner from it. I try not to be so fearful avoidant because most of the time I'm aware of my behavior. I get lost in it though and wake up and regret some of my thoughts or actions. The guilt is real. My hyper vigilance just never seems to turn off and I often wish I could just be at peace.
Dang you said “shielding your partner from hot and cold” that is the best way to describe that. And it sucks because you’re suppressing so much, and then when you voice how you feel it’s still not communicated properly because again it’s both hot and cold, so to the other person it’s confusing. I get told that I “lead” people on but I’m just genuinely being nice and then it’s my fault that I’m pushing them away because of how they reacted to me being nice. But I’m glad we’re aware of these things.
😔 God I felt that I have been I'm a relationship for 9 years and I've shielded mine so much I push him away for months then he does something and I want him again I've cheated on him so many times because I feel not loved or not enough and seek it an mess up I beat myself up so much because ik he doesn't deserve this pain I'm broken to the core but I have so much love just a fear of not being enough turns my emotions off to protect me not realizing the pain I do for the partner I have so many mental problems u can make a book about it all because I was mentally physically emotionally and sexually abused growing up and I feel so empty and broken and I hate it so much
I have never cried so hard. When my close family asks me why is that you overthink. The push and pull in my mind when I start to like someone is on a level that is mentally draining. The need for love is so huge but the lack of control to uncertainty is almost equally gut wrenching.
Yes I feel this so much. As soon as I get into a relationship, just the constant worrying obsessin, and then running away is so uncontrollable. My nervous system is always on edge. I am so tired that I can't enjoy the relationship.
@@ashleygorman476 what i learned also is that my anxiety comes from intuation. They are not for us. Learning to communicate with vunrability is so hard. But im getting better at it. Takes time
@@sandra123marar I've also had a very hard time with vulnerability. The guy I'm with now...not so much but only because we've known each other since childhood, and our families have always kept in touch through the years so we already know each other's messiness. This is the first relationship that doesn't feel like chaos in my mind. In fact, I find myself picking fights or distancing myself because I am bored. He just tells me that he is ready to listen whenever Im ready to tell him what I'm feeling and gives me space. He doesn't give me a chance to overthink. He can listen to my irrational worries and gives me reassurance. I'm still waiting for the bottom to fall out and find out something terrible about him.
I am a hugeeeeeee feeler, I constantly am aware of others feelings, looks on their faces, body language, I can pick up every little detail so I constantly think my husband is mad at me. I can see how that relates to my childhood :(
I feel what you say. I can read peoples' faces, what makes them uncomfortable. I understand body languages and in a group if i feel someone's feeling left out, uncomfortable I try my best to make them feel included
All of you should read up on the highly sensitive person. I am 100% HSP and you all seem familiar with the MO. Just having the awareness of what it is is the biggest relief and then you can begin actual work on yourself . It’s a rare trait and no wonder we can be so overwhelmed and misunderstood.
Wow. I thought some of this was my personality. Turns out it’s the trauma 😕 Totally fearful avoidant in all relationships big time. Totally subject to limmerence. Totally stress over the thought of being stuck with people and not be able to get space. This is crazy true. Thank you so much
This comment made me laugh because me too. I think I put myself on a pedestal and I thought that it was my personality and that I just don’t want to get close but I want to at the same time. But trauma it is :(
mj trauma isn’t just a situation or event that causes anxiety depression PTSD etc etc. you don’t need an event or situation to happen. If there was some sort of emotional neglect or if you never learned how to self soothe trauma can develop. Especially as a child from ages 0-8 the repetition and emotion of hearing things, seeing things and experiences can create a bigger imprint in our lives in some cases. I have a mini video about this actually on my insta page @janette.xzeto if you want to watch it. It’s a bit more detailed. Hope this helps!! You’re not alone
I wanted to cry when I watched this video. It's so hard to be an FA. And there are so little resources out there for us, because we are so rare. I think we should form a FA support group.
40 years old, struggled all my life to try and "solve" my self. Just came across these theories a few days ago. Been studying them and now found your channel. A 15 minute video on YT made everything about my life crystal clear; it made all emotions I've struggled with clear. All the programmed behaviours clear. All the experiences causing the programming clear. It's a very strange feeling to have struggle with something for basically 40 years, then watching a 15 minute YT clip just solves the complete puzzle all at once... Feels very weird - but I'm truly thankful I came across your channel 🙏👍😊 /Björn
I constantly work on self improvement to become worthy of love ... I'm trying to switch that to doing it out of self-love as I use mindfulness to earn a secure attachment style. I find myself anxious when trying to secure a relationship with someone I like but then moving to avoidant when a partner makes demands for intimacy without being present for my internal needs. I'm now moving toward facing and filling my own personal needs so as to be more available to those who have the potential to grow into a deeper intimacy through my stable and grounded presence
That's the worse fear. Of being consumed by others, for their benefit, for meeting their needs, while you're left wanting time to yourself, to do your craft (yet, feeling guilty about it too). Feels like others don't have their own shit yo do. Like you're their entertainment. How can one protect his needs, craves, life goals he wanna work on, while their partnet probably wants to be with them 24/7, not giving a man his solitude?
@@eladbari It is not that NON-FAs want to be with their partners 24/7. There is a middle ground in every relationship that even FAs have a hard time managing.
This is literally me on every level. I'm shook. I think as a FA I don't ask for help or wish to rely on others because I kinda just assume that everyone is busy or doesn't have the interest/time to help. That's also how I feel when people don't pay attention or "skip" what I'm saying which is a huge trigger of mine. I have a tendency to be wordy and repeat myself because I have this fear that I won't be heard. I seriously can't thank you enough for these videos!
I’m super wordy and long-winded because I need what I say to be perfect so that people will think I’m worth listening to and won’t get angry with me for being wrong, stupid, inadequate, a waste of their time, etc.
I act more like an avoidant towards my family and am more of a giver in friendship or public situation......... My dad used to be physically and verbally abusive......... though he still is verbally abusive and I have a great relationship with my mom but she never validates my feelings and I don't feel supported. I feel I am indebt to them for bringing me up and taking care of me and I feel I will never be good enough......... Though I have started to work on myself there is still a long way hopefully I will be able to rise like a pheonix 🖤
I cannot believe how spot on this is for me. I always thought I was anxious attachment but it never really resonated with me, but it was the closest to me of all attachment styles. This incredibly resonates with me I cannot believe it. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us! ❤️
I finally feel seen and understood and most importantly I feel validated that its ok that I identify with this. Its merely an attachment style, and the ability to know and accept what it is, is the opportunity to be able to adjust myself to be more of what I want to be and less of what I don't. I feel empowered.
I've experienced a recurring situation where I'll have a crush on someone, and the moment there's any closeness or intimacy, that person suddenly "turns" super unattractive, I feel repulsion, etc. Does anyone relate? Can this be a result of the fearful-avoidant attachment style?
if I may -- you can look into those instances closely to find if you intentionally were trying to find something "wrong" with them so you can abandon the situation? it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy
I started sobbing 3 minutes into the video and continued to cry throughout. I've never heard someone describe me word for word, so closely expressing my every thought and reason behind actions. Limerence is something I've experienced since childhood. I knew I was fearful avoidant but still, I'm truly speechless.
I feel kind of stupid that up to this very point, right now, I just assumed that I was 'weird'. Weird about different things, not connected - weird with me constant need to be seen and loved and powerful. Weird about avoiding relationships as a whole, despite loving love soooo much but just 'accepting' that I'm not good enough to be in a relation ship with some. This terrible, terrible 180 I always do after having a crush on someone and kind of getting closer, things getting real where I suddenly hate every little thing about them and get really nasty - the dislike only ever disappearing once whatever was blooming between us is thoroughly stomped out, then I suddenly like them again and think they're great (now that I'm 'safe'). Didn't ever think my generosity was 'weird' either but man... How is this an actual thing. With context. And why, if this is a 'thing', does it get to make up so much of what my character is? I feel really weird after having watched this, to be fair. Weird and not exactly encouraged, because doesn't that just mean that if the problem is with me, it'll always be there? I'm 25 now and have not had a single relationship, and not for a lack of people interested in me. But I always always fuck it up and it's horrible.
You can work on your attachment and become more secure in yourself and your relationships. You don’t have to let your trauma control you forever because you can take control.
Don’t despair. Finding Thais’ channel and learning about attachment styles led me to shadow work which led me to remembering specific moments in childhood that led to my attachment style. Now I re-envision those memories as getting the love and nurture i so needed and deserved and remind myself when I’m triggered that I’m not just feeling the feeling from the triggering event but from all the events like it in the past. I feel the feelings instead of reject them because rejecting them is like rejecting yourself which is what our parents did to us in childhood...which is why we are this way. Love and reparent yourself and give yourself permission to try. Jesus loves you!
The impact of childhood experiences really are relevant. I am going try to be more forgiving of myself and to try and trust a little more. I am slowly beginning to understand where I came from and where I need to go.
I'm a fearful avoidant, but I've been working on it. If you met me, you'd think "how is he single" (not to be arrogant). I am aware I'm attractive, highly educated (doctorate), outgoing, funny. People always try to set me up and I refuse because I don't want friends or other people I know to find out about that side of me. No one outside of dating and relationships would ever have any idea. It's just too embarrassing because I have it together in every other part of my life.
1- Over Givers, generous, feeling to earn love (FA can be stable and high achiever) or (really struggling addicts) 2- Constantly try to be better, perfect themselves, to feel worthy of love connection 3- Very anxious with DA generally. 4- Strong Feelers. Feel way too much then shut down feelings. 5- Hyper-vigilance/Attuned, read people extremely well, intuitively. Pick up so much tone voice change in patterns. 6- Very interested in human behavior. 7- Struggle with surface conversation. Small talk. Inside desire for depth and emotional connection though they fear it. 8- They often flip flop. "Should I stay? Should I go...Come here close, Go away" 9- Prone to Limerance. 10- Workaholics, addicted to, it intense about , machine like. Trying to earn status and worth to be worthy 11- Strange contrast of way too trusting/open/giving and highly suspicious (with core wounds)/push away real hard... 12- Guilt and shame as well. Their feelings don't matter tied to emotional neglect but some connecting ... 13- Feel lack of being seen, hear, or that they matter. They try to make up for that perception, worthy of love 14- Empowered to not feel trapped or don't matter. 15- Not about the fancy stuff, material stuff but the process and do I matter, feel empowered, do I run my life, not helpless. 16- Fear spending prolonger time with other people. Not all day or weekend. Because of enmeshment trauma (responsible for care givers emotions). Wounded bird thing going on with them, to see and fix people (if they have enough room for that) 17- Often withdraw during challenging times (they take on too many of other people's emotions and don't know how to navigate that)
Wow! Wow! Wow! I cannot believe how spot on you are! Your thorough description of a stable Fearful Avoidant is definitely not common knowledge, so I know you know your stuff. I can give deep, personal examples of everything you described.
When you said they are giving to earn love you reminded me of the time when I was 6 and had an emotionally abusive teacher. I made her a necklace and arts and crafts in hopes that she would stop being mean to me. She used to call me stupid and dumb and that she would fail me back to kindergarten and she would threaten to tell my parents how dumb I was. I was so scared to tell my parents and I was so scared she was going to tell my parents that I was dumb. So I tried to be extra nice and giving to earn better treatment. so sad.
That’s a horrible thing you went through, I’m so sorry ❤️ I don’t understand why a person like that would become a teacher. You were a sweet little kid and totally didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
Wow, you just described me- what’s crazy is up until this point I thought I had an anxious attachment style ... but these seemed even more spot on for me 😨
@@browneyedtwin1111 I think I have both. Because the anxious part of anxious attachment is super strong when I first start dating someone I really like. Its so intense I sabatoge it before it can turn into a relationship.
Oh my god, I never felt more understood. This is spot on, it's impressive. I also have ASD and I'm highly empathic, so growing un in a chaotic family dynamic and being ND, really made it hard.
Yes me too. With everyone else in my life I am seriously avoidant, I push away family and friends, but only with a dismissive my radar goes off and I become anxious. I start neutral and then become anxious 😥
As soon as I start to like someone (platonically or romantically) an intense terror overtakes me to the point of losing sleep, experiencing heart palpitations, and constant nausea that inhibits any sort of regular eating. It is so exhausting.
I think I’m fearful avoidant. My mother passed away and left me to my father who was very turbulent, aggressive, angry etc. So I think I developed enough of a secure attachment as an infant that I never became totally avoidant because I can remember a time when I had a parent that comforted me.
This is so me I’m actually in tears. I had a very traumatic childhood and now am an overachiever and a lawyer. I’ve been trying to prove myself my entire life. Wow! You have helped me so much today. I am signing up! Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏾
This is so me. I want to work on this, all the inner wounds.. I also noticed I might be emotionally unavailable as well due to this. Definitely the high achiever fearful avoidant.
This is so me. Feel like I have to earn love and acceptance. Over giver and then suddenly snap shut and cut people out. Get overwhelmed by other people and daily life. Addictive tendencies esp love addiction. More attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Seek deep connection. Hyper vigilant. Hate small talk. Obsessed with healing and spirituality. Always trying to perfect myself. Terrible guilt and shame that sometimes makes me not be able to face people and situations. Need alone time every day, I get really stressed spending too much time with others.
This video and your website literally saved my life. It feels good to finally know whats wrong with me and its even more amazing to know it actually has a name to my disorder/ problem. I was sobbing when i watch this. Its like i finally found answers and know mysellf better. I hate mysself so much because i know i have so much love to give and im worthy of receiving them too, but theres always a force puling me back from being vulnerable and opening up to people i love and trust. thank you thank you thank you.
wow.. this perfectly describes my ex. They broke up with me a couple months ago and watching videos like these help me understand so much, and it makes it feel way less personal!! Thank you for this
I thought I was anxiously attached but I really see myself in almost everything you’re describing, except spending time with people. I love spending a lot of time with loved ones and close friends.
I’ve been so confused about my style cause my friends and family would swear I am dismissive, my boyfriend would think I am anxiously attached. This confirmed I am a Fearful avoidant.☹️ I feel things deeply, I feel other people’s feelings sooo deeply and I love giving.☹️
Thank you sooo much for putting this "high-functioning" fearful-avoidant content out! I feel like so much attachment style content I've seen either ignores fearful-avoidant altogether or treats it like a super rare thing that only happens in the most horrific circumstances & causes extreme problems like addiction etc. When I first read about all the attachment styles I immediately related most to "fearful avoidant," but as I read/saw more content I questioned it because it seemed like my life wasn't "bad enough" for me to truly be fearful-avoidant. Yet I related to everything you talked about here! (Also, personally I dislike when it's only referred to as "disorganized" because "fearful-avoidant" is far more descriptive of what's actually going on, as opposed to throwing your hands up and saying "well it's a mess!" LOL it's definitely chaotic but it's not like there's no rhyme or reason to it, there's a core undercurrent of "I want to receive love, but when I do I feel scared and feel like the only way to stay safe is to dismiss it.")
I have been going through your videos for the last few days, and I find them very empowering. Today, I finally broke the silence between me and my bf after weeks of shutting down from my part. It was such a relief! Thank you for giving me the courage to do that!!
I always thought I was more anxiously attached but I swing the other way just as extreme. This video describes me perfectly and answers so many questions about myself. Thank you!
Wow so accurate. I always feel like NO ONE understand me because I am so back and forth and its crazy to hear me described to a T. I am so ready to heal!
Today I learned that I'm an FA, and this has been so validating and helpful. You described my behaviour profile perfectly. I already feel empowered to move past this, and I actually can't wait to break myself out of these attachment patterns. Thank you Thais.
Thank you so much! I truly found myself here. I began researching attachment styles after a conversation with my boyfriend where he pointed out my constant need to prove myself constantly. It´s then that I realized that I deeply believe love is conditional and that we all must deserve it. This was so eye opening.
I can't speak for all, but a big factor for me is "debriefing". Combing over the information collected during an interaction, mirroring it to how I feel emotionally and figuring out what I did wrong in order to have that outcome. There's a heavy emphasis on how I behave and the outcome. This is emotionally devastating in a failing relationship. There is no self, because I am always tweaking what I do to suit the environment. I'm also quick to bow out if I don't think I can attune to the surroundings, including relationships, because it hits that core message of unworthiness hard.
10:43 that bit got me and made me cry. when i was 9, i asked my mom why is that when our entire family has dinner together, no one talks to me? her reply was, “it’s because you’re just a kid, and you’re not doing anything important like the rest of us are.” i definitely have a deep chronic need where i just want to be seen & heard 😢
My boyfriend watched this and said “ wow it’s you! Did you make a phone call with this lady?” He’s usually a pretty calm dude, which I said was the most valuable quality in a guy for me. Then he said “but somehow you can still manage to trigger yourself” 😩
Huh, this sounds like Anxious avoidant more than anything else. I’m in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. There’s a lot of control issues, a lot of narcissistic traits. It’s me me me all the time. I Love her so much I’ll take all of it. I’m learning to cope and not freak out. I know it comes from a deep place and it’s hard for her to trust. Push, pull all the time. We’re at the stage where we both want it to work. We’ve asked for each other’s help. Not to cure, but to open up and understand one another. Her new saying is “use your words” instead of playing mind games. I’m very anxious and head over heels in love. She’s the one for me and I know it. I’ve waited a life time for her. It’s not the way she acts or what she thinks. It’s what I feel when I hold her in my arms. That bond you can’t explain. It’s my place of peace and solitude. I never want to lose her. I’ll do anything for her and she knows it. Some people may think that’s not healthy, I don’t care, that’s how much I love her and cherish her love for me. Knowing it’s hard for her to trust, then she finally picks me. That’s simply an amazing feeling.
Yyaass! You described me perfectly! In my last relationship my partner told our therapist everything was going great and that he was waiting for me to start pulling away. That was an AHA moment. Didn’t know I did that but it makes sense, as much as I want to be vulnerable, connected and close - it scares the hell out of me! Once I start getting close, I tend to pull away. 😔
You made me feel so seen!!! Yes I am a big achiever and I connect my failures/successess to my self-worth!! Thank you for your work and videos!! 😊means a lot 🙏
Omg this has been tye most relatable video for me, this can be so exhausting. Im trying to learn so much about this to understand myself better and heal. The fa attachment is soo confusing it took so long just to discover this. I will everything possible everyday to get outof this. Im getting better already.
I thought I was an AP but it was because my ex is a DA, so of course I was the axious one in the relationship. But I'm 100% FA haha I feel like I've been like this my whole life, like wanting atention and love and then if someone gives it too much I'm like no no get away...like why would you like to know me and ask me questions? I feel like I have to heal a lot of the anxiety part of it that includes de fear, working on it. Great video!
I’m amazed. You described me to a T. I pay attention to the littlest things with people around me.. and I’m super generous. Often in an inappropriate way, like with people I barely know.. working through my attachment to heal myself and find peace :) thank you for this beautiful resource Thais :)
holycrap! and I thought I was just anxiously attached, I knew I had a little bit from both spectrums. Makes sense, much easier for me to work on it now
As a high functioning FA, I have watched so many videos like this (because of course I have!) And this is the most seen I've ever felt outside of 1:1 readings and coaching sessions. Incredible.
Anyone else come here wondering if their partner is fearful avoidant and then end up wondering if it's actually more themselves who is the fearful avoidant? 🤔
Haha I honestly forgot till I read your comment that I wanted to focus on identifying my partner's attachment style because I was so busy relating to all of this myself :D
I'm only just learning about fearful attachment. Omg so many things make sense, I never thought I had a trubled childhood until I had therapy and emotional neglect kept being mentioned. This information is key for all of us ❤
I’ve been working on attachment behaviors for 2 years and all this time I thought I was anxious, but FA sounds so much like me! I retook the quiz yesterday and I am more secure now at 44% and insecure FA at 25%! I not only feel more healed, but I feel like the results resembles that. Now that I know I’m more of an FA, I’m kind of excited to start working on things that I feel is the next step in my journey!
I dated an FA, she broke it off because I was “too clingy” and she needed space even though we never talked and and would go days and weeks without speaking to me. Then when id try to take the time to go out with her, she’d tell me she had to do something and she’d “hang out with me when she had time.” Thing is, she’s a workaholic and wouldn’t bother making time for me. when I confronted her about her not going on dates with me, or taking a hour or two a week to hang out and talk, she got mad and told me “we should just be friends”. I ended up getting pissed at her, and she told me she “deserved better” after I told her that she would never have functioning relationships if she never put the time in to maintain them and move them forward. Funny thing is, she always complained about how she wanted friends but people would always move away from her and stop speaking with her. Now I see why. All I can say is good riddance
You know... thank you for that. I’ve slowly developed into becoming a workaholic and not finding time to be with others, but that can also happen intentionally. This comment really sheds a new perspective for me on what that will look like for a partner and I’d want to do better. Sorry for what happened to you, but there will be better out there!
loved this..... totally identified how you said we can be SOO INTENSE about something in our life or working for some kinda cause. i once had a volunteer stand in front of a room of 50 people and tell me that i was the hardest worker he had ever met. it was funny during a weak moment in my life i asked this new girl i was just starting to date "am i being wishy washy" and she was like "NO, you are so certain its scary" i assume thats part of the intensity.
Yes this is what I am addicted to working on reprogramming, writing, LOVE LOVE LOVE TO WRITE your videos I am addicted too! What a Beautiful Healthy addiction to have . Honestly... I can spend 6 hrs a day writing and learning all about myself and connecting with my boyfriend and my family...
I hate that this is how I act, I so badly want to be close to others but my hyper-independence and hot/cold behavior hurts others and I feel so guilty for that. I just push people away and keep them all at a distance but I want closeness and intimacy, but I struggle to get close to others and this video was really an eye-opener. I constantly want to push others away “until I’ve healed” but then I’m depriving myself of experiences and closeness and actually perpetuating the same pattern I’ve spent years following, it’s so weird how our brain works..
So happy you keep this real. It is difficult to admit to certain behavioral patterns but I found solace in other attachment styles that work with mine. Great course offerings through the Personal Development School!
Good info. This is the fastest I've ever heard her talk. She knows it well because she was like that. I'm glad she got a steering wheel on that. She's a marvelous teacher! Thank you!
I'm SO glad I found your channel! You just described my most recent ex girlfriend to the letter. I have some education in psychology and I'm familiar with attachment theory so I could attribute much of her behavior to attachment trauma, and what I know of her childhood and previous relationships also fits the profile of the FA style. I wasn't completely sure because of the complexity and dynamics. NOW I am. Even though we're not together anymore (FA behavior playing a huge role in that) some weight has been lifted off my shoulders knowing that I at least didn't imagine it.
Damn, you talking about the two types of FA’s is spot on. My life all through my 20’s was chaos. Living with parents, college dropout, part-time job, addicted to weed, super unhealthy and extremely depressed. Then when I moved I got a full-time job, fell into a deep depression during the winter, then when I got out of it I really started changing my life around and became the high(ish)-achiever and am laser focused on bettering myself -possibly to a fault because it’s nearly all I do.
one time during a group gathering, someone was talking about nails and I got so conscious of my own nails that I started looking at it, then one of my friends noticed it and point it out to me. and I didn't even realize I was doing it subconsciously. This video described me 100%!!
I once had a date with someone i met on dating app in a foreign country... once I was with him in the cab i suddenly thought he was a kidnapper/murderer. My sweat broke out, i got so much panic that I told him i left my phone and wallet in the hotel and he needed to bring me back..,, once i was back in the hotel i told him sorry I can't go anymore, I am not so well. I mean, I can't get over my suspiciousness.... later i found out he is a normal guy who is now engaged :(
Hi! I'm definitely a perfectionist fearful avoidant. Your videos have been so informative for me and I am so thankful for them! Have you ever come across ROCD and fearful avoidant? I think I have been suffering from them both and it sucks :( Thanks for the videos!
I really appreciate all the value you pack into these videos. Your channel has been eye opening! Any insight on autism in relationships you would like to share? And maybe if that overlaps with the dismissive avoidant type? [Would love a profile on the second branch of fearful avoidant too! There's always more to unpack 😅]
This is me to the core, ok video not done but I'm sure, she's the one finally helping me determine my attachment because couldn't decide between whether I was anxious or this, now I know.gonna learn all I can on it and all the others in time bcos I love understanding human behaviors😅
this is the best description ive heard of what i assume is my attachment style. everything said here is extremely true of me. ive felt so guilty the past few years because major trouble came to my life via my partner having a psychotic break due to his own unexamined childhood trauma and i withdrew and stopped talking to nearly everyone in my life, just ghosted them basically. i was working on creative projects i really care about with many of these people and i just shut down. i have immense guilt from doing this, this video really helped me put this in perspective, plus anyone ive recontacted isnt upset with me for withdrawing, a possibility i so often ruminated about during this time in my life that i am still crawling out of. im glad people are waking up to how environment and parenting affects development, something i intuitively understood as a child, but nothing i said/cared about/felt mattered to any adult in my life.
Thank you SO much for this video! 🖤 I’m currently thinking of making a video myself about how I live with this attachment style (as a documentation for my healing). Your video’s are the most well structured ones from me and I have seen so many, read books and many articles about it. Thank you for helping ALOT of people with this ☁️🖤🖤🖤 I will reference this video bc I’m unable to make a structured video about this topic on my own for now 🖤💕💕💕 i’m so grateful for your work
Thanks Tais... for a long time i thought its me alone who has attachment issues, your talks have now made me realise my circle of aquaintance are not all securely attached, no they all have issues too that they have to own their stuff... its taken the pressure off..
I’ve just started learning about attachment theory in the past 6 months and had heard your name over and over again. I already knew I’m FA. This vid had me crying. You know me already and you don’t even know me. I don’t feel alone.
Wow this explains me very well. I've been struggling for years not understanding why I do the things I do. Sometimes I can't put my feelings into words. Thank you for this video as this will help me heal some deep embedded wounds from myself and relationships.
I use to feel like i had to be someone else for my parents. If I wasent in trouble with them, I was trying to earn their love. I felt it wasent sincere so I would try to find it in strangers. Now I know, I litterly feel like i don't have a connection with anyone. But I want love so much
Wow, never felt so seen. Someone tried to say I was anxious because that’s what came out dating someone who literally took the test for me & was a DA. I had never taken attachment tests but upon reading descriptions, knew that AA wasn’t me, because I sometimes choose to go YEARS without even going on dates after getting my heart broken. I’m passionate about volunteer work. Again, thank you for helping me understand myself better. 🙏🏻❤️
![TEEDEE TADA - DIAMOND NARAKORN X LEGO LYKN [Special Dance Performance]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QgtZedFeumA/mqdefault.jpg)
I'm a fearful-avoidant and I'm a chronic procrastinator, because if I were to not succeed at something it reinforces my core beliefs of not being good enough or worthy of success and progress. It feels safer for me to imagine how I want my life to be rather than to actually live it.
Could it be you may also suffer from adhd ? And it’s not that you don’t want to succeed you really do but it’s difficult to actually make that happen. I only say cuz this is very similar to me and I have inattentive adhd relentless procrastination is a symptom. Along with losing things, careless mistakes, having to have people repeat things or like rewind what you’ve just watched ect ... adhd can be really really debilitating you have all these intentions that you never see through and it’s a huge blow to your self worth. For me my adhd symptoms were around in my adolescence and my mom would use these symptoms as proof I’m not worthy of love. And to justify the way she treated me it was ok for her to cross my boundaries because I was already useless and inept and I didn’t matter . Ect ect Also for me with inattentive adhd I’m less so hyperactive its more so imaginative and getting lost in other worlds. It’s wishing to make your life the way you dream of it but falling short because you actually have a disorder and you have trouble maintaining the consistency it takes to survive in a world like this. But this is very treatable my life is different since I discovered this abt myself
I 100% understand what you’re talking about. I experience the exact same thing.
I relate to your comment 100 percent, I’m the exact same way !
@tiger lily I really really relate to this and I'm sorry you're going through it too
You're not alone in that Alex.
1. Over-giver generous
2. Perfectionist
3. Anxious with dismissive avoidant
4. Big feelers highly empathetic
5. Read people extremely well
6. Interested in human behavior
7. Struggle with small talk
8. Pain and Pleasure around connexion flip flop
9. Subject to limerance
10. Workhaolic
11. Way too open and supicious at the same time
12. Chronic guilt and Shame
13. Need to feel seen worthy
14. Needing novelty
15. Enmenshment trauma
That's me
All in a nutshell. Thanks for posting
Sigh and ouch. Me. Gotta change some of this.
12/15
This is accurate 😵
I came out to feel attacked and honestly, I'm having such a good time right now.
William Morrison i felt this
Lol same
Felt!
Same lol
😂🤣😂
one thing i noticed about being a FA: we hate asking for help. we want to do it on our own. we don't like relying on people. but there are some people who tend to take advantage of us when they realize that we are people pleaser. so, as a FA, i worked on those two things. i ask for help when i need it instead of struggling on my own. and i don't hesitate to say NO when i really don't wanna do it. and i try my best to express my feelings and my needs everytime it is needed. i'm working my way out of my FA attachment style to a secure one. i pintpoint all my subconscious attitudes and made them conscious and now everytime i'm in a situation , i always take my time analyzing myself To decide what step i should take To avoid falling in my subconscious pattern. i don't consider anymore that i should earn anyone' s love. i only want to share.
Yess... don’t want other people’s help or feel like we owe something to others
@@denisejaydub exactly!!
This describes the woman I love
Her distant cycles are a great catalyst for working through my own anxiety issues
Maybe someday I can gain her trust and come to know the pearl that lives within her hardened shell. 💕💞💖
@@motogrey3707 as a FA, i used to have a hard time opening up to others. because, first i think To be able To open up, i needed To have the other one showing up his vulnerability first, and then i needed To be questioned in an intimate conversation with précise question. i needed To feel that the other one really cared for who i am. having someone showing me his ability to understand my struggles made me want to open up and share my deepest feelings. for that, some empathy is needed. since i'm an empath, i have that ability To make anyone open up to me. people will open up to someone only if they feel deeply understood and not judge, and if you share some of your own vulnerability that's the recipe.
@Nathaniel Smythe be transparent and be congruent with your words and actions. if you say something, just DO it. and if you do something, just say it. if we pick up in any incongruency, we are done because it Will show that we can't trust you. BE HONEST. don't try to lie to hide your weaknesses, because we're going to feel it. man up and just assume who you are. we love people who show their weaknesses and their vulnerabilities, and don't try to play it cool.
Omg I think this is me. I thought I was just avoidant, but I'm realizing I'm Fearful Avoidant. I have pretty much been single for like a decade (I'm in my 30s), mostly because I feel like my life is never where I want it to be. I fluctuate between feeling good being single and working on myself and wondering if I could even navigate a healthy romantic relationship. I also fear I would attract someone abusive OR mess up a relationship with a healthy/secure person. I genuinely feel like I have nothing to offer to someone in a relationship 😔 and worry that I will be "found out" if someone gets too close to me.
"Being found out" - a good way to put it. I can relate to that.
yh... tht they will see us the way we see ourselves.
yeah, toxic shame, sounds familiar and it's hell
I'm in the exact same space and I have the exact same thoughts and fears ....
Exactly my story 😩
Psychology seems more beautiful after you study attachment theory.
=]
💯
Right!!
Well said. And the way she presents it with an air of curiosity rather than judgment really helps me absorb it somehow. It's like if it is presented as a terminal condition I shut down. But she has a great way of helping even difficult information find its way in easily.
THIS IS TOTALLY ME. I use to wonder why i was so fascinated by love and how i didn't feel worthy enough but i still craved it but feared it at the same time.
SAME! Ugh, I feel so attacked by this video but so known. Ayo boo, where you at? Come check this out
Same here!!!
Meeee
Me!!
ME
Man I just cried watching this video cause I finally know why I have been feeling this way my whole life, and it is such a relief.
Sending hugs
IKR!
@@Porter5habazz same
I almost commented this exact same thing and saw this comment right when i scrolled down! I felt everything she said so much that it made me very emotional, everything she said is completely me and I now feel this huge understanding of myself that I hadn't completely before.
ME TOO
Yep; either a super high achiever or a depressed mess. Hypervigilance and reading people. Subject to limerance (oh my god, so true. Limerance is like..my thing...lasts 6 months to a year). Workaholic (yep). Trusting and suspicious at the same time. Chronic guilt and shame (yep). Enmeshment trauma.
I just screen shot you comment. So me! Now I have a cheat sheet to peek at (if) I am ever back in a relationship. Just crashed the last one with my intensity
You didn't say a single thing that didn't describe me. Each point was spot on. Being in a relationship as a fearful avoidant is exhausting, for me. I have a hard time dealing with my own hot and cold behavior and all of the work I have to do to shield my partner from it. I try not to be so fearful avoidant because most of the time I'm aware of my behavior. I get lost in it though and wake up and regret some of my thoughts or actions. The guilt is real. My hyper vigilance just never seems to turn off and I often wish I could just be at peace.
I recently ruined a relationship because I pulled away. I feel so guilty about it. It’s horrible and exhausting 😪
Dang you said “shielding your partner from hot and cold” that is the best way to describe that. And it sucks because you’re suppressing so much, and then when you voice how you feel it’s still not communicated properly because again it’s both hot and cold, so to the other person it’s confusing. I get told that I “lead” people on but I’m just genuinely being nice and then it’s my fault that I’m pushing them away because of how they reacted to me being nice. But I’m glad we’re aware of these things.
I could have written this
@@lincris10 I know that feeling. I've ruined every relationship I've ever had.
😔 God I felt that I have been I'm a relationship for 9 years and I've shielded mine so much I push him away for months then he does something and I want him again I've cheated on him so many times because I feel not loved or not enough and seek it an mess up I beat myself up so much because ik he doesn't deserve this pain I'm broken to the core but I have so much love just a fear of not being enough turns my emotions off to protect me not realizing the pain I do for the partner I have so many mental problems u can make a book about it all because I was mentally physically emotionally and sexually abused growing up and I feel so empty and broken and I hate it so much
I have never cried so hard. When my close family asks me why is that you overthink. The push and pull in my mind when I start to like someone is on a level that is mentally draining. The need for love is so huge but the lack of control to uncertainty is almost equally gut wrenching.
I used to get accused of “overthinking” things. Hyper vigilant.
Yes I feel this so much. As soon as I get into a relationship, just the constant worrying obsessin, and then running away is so uncontrollable. My nervous system is always on edge. I am so tired that I can't enjoy the relationship.
@@ashleygorman476 what i learned also is that my anxiety comes from intuation. They are not for us.
Learning to communicate with vunrability is so hard. But im getting better at it.
Takes time
@@sandra123marar I've also had a very hard time with vulnerability. The guy I'm with now...not so much but only because we've known each other since childhood, and our families have always kept in touch through the years so we already know each other's messiness. This is the first relationship that doesn't feel like chaos in my mind. In fact, I find myself picking fights or distancing myself because I am bored. He just tells me that he is ready to listen whenever Im ready to tell him what I'm feeling and gives me space. He doesn't give me a chance to overthink. He can listen to my irrational worries and gives me reassurance. I'm still waiting for the bottom to fall out and find out something terrible about him.
I'm with you girls, a thinker and a runner. Working on it. I like it when I am reminded to get in to my heart, not my head.
I am a hugeeeeeee feeler, I constantly am aware of others feelings, looks on their faces, body language, I can pick up every little detail so I constantly think my husband is mad at me. I can see how that relates to my childhood :(
that sounds like anxious attachment too-
I feel what you say. I can read peoples' faces, what makes them uncomfortable. I understand body languages and in a group if i feel someone's feeling left out, uncomfortable I try my best to make them feel included
@@mistiquelavender6369 same here. Iam very kind towards them and always try to comfort them. But then I get exhausted at some point. 😅
All of you should read up on the highly sensitive person. I am 100% HSP and you all seem familiar with the MO. Just having the awareness of what it is is the biggest relief and then you can begin actual work on yourself . It’s a rare trait and no wonder we can be so overwhelmed and misunderstood.
sammmmeeee!! that's why i feel bad whenever i do something bad to them or offended because it daws on me and it puts me down.
Wow. I thought some of this was my personality. Turns out it’s the trauma 😕
Totally fearful avoidant in all relationships big time. Totally subject to limmerence.
Totally stress over the thought of being stuck with people and not be able to get space. This is crazy true.
Thank you so much
Feels like everyone wanna have you for themselves. Like, others don't have their own stuff to do afternoon?
This comment made me laugh because me too. I think I put myself on a pedestal and I thought that it was my personality and that I just don’t want to get close but I want to at the same time. But trauma it is :(
What’s really stumping me is what trauma I’ve seemed to go through. My childhood wasn’t that bad. I have no idea how I ended up like this.
mj trauma isn’t just a situation or event that causes anxiety depression PTSD etc etc. you don’t need an event or situation to happen. If there was some sort of emotional neglect or if you never learned how to self soothe trauma can develop. Especially as a child from ages 0-8 the repetition and emotion of hearing things, seeing things and experiences can create a bigger imprint in our lives in some cases. I have a mini video about this actually on my insta page @janette.xzeto if you want to watch it. It’s a bit more detailed. Hope this helps!! You’re not alone
mj same here! I had undiagnosed ADHD but no trauma or family turmoil.
I wanted to cry when I watched this video. It's so hard to be an FA. And there are so little resources out there for us, because we are so rare. I think we should form a FA support group.
40 years old, struggled all my life to try and "solve" my self. Just came across these theories a few days ago. Been studying them and now found your channel.
A 15 minute video on YT made everything about my life crystal clear; it made all emotions I've struggled with clear. All the programmed behaviours clear. All the experiences causing the programming clear.
It's a very strange feeling to have struggle with something for basically 40 years, then watching a 15 minute YT clip just solves the complete puzzle all at once...
Feels very weird - but I'm truly thankful I came across your channel 🙏👍😊
/Björn
I constantly work on self improvement to become worthy of love ... I'm trying to switch that to doing it out of self-love as I use mindfulness to earn a secure attachment style.
I find myself anxious when trying to secure a relationship with someone I like but then moving to avoidant when a partner makes demands for intimacy without being present for my internal needs.
I'm now moving toward facing and filling my own personal needs so as to be more available to those who have the potential to grow into a deeper intimacy through my stable and grounded presence
That's the worse fear. Of being consumed by others, for their benefit, for meeting their needs, while you're left wanting time to yourself, to do your craft (yet, feeling guilty about it too).
Feels like others don't have their own shit yo do. Like you're their entertainment. How can one protect his needs, craves, life goals he wanna work on, while their partnet probably wants to be with them 24/7, not giving a man his solitude?
I'll be using this mindset when doing self-improvement, thanks!
@@eladbari It is not that NON-FAs want to be with their partners 24/7. There is a middle ground in every relationship that even FAs have a hard time managing.
I love this. Thank you.
This is literally me on every level. I'm shook. I think as a FA I don't ask for help or wish to rely on others because I kinda just assume that everyone is busy or doesn't have the interest/time to help. That's also how I feel when people don't pay attention or "skip" what I'm saying which is a huge trigger of mine. I have a tendency to be wordy and repeat myself because I have this fear that I won't be heard. I seriously can't thank you enough for these videos!
I’m super wordy and long-winded because I need what I say to be perfect so that people will think I’m worth listening to and won’t get angry with me for being wrong, stupid, inadequate, a waste of their time, etc.
Whoa this is me
I act more like an avoidant towards my family and am more of a giver in friendship or public situation.........
My dad used to be physically and verbally abusive......... though he still is verbally abusive and I have a great relationship with my mom but she never validates my feelings and I don't feel supported. I feel I am indebt to them for bringing me up and taking care of me and I feel I will never be good enough.........
Though I have started to work on myself there is still a long way hopefully I will be able to rise like a pheonix 🖤
Same . Story and all.
Wow. Same here. I have sort of a resentment towards my family and love interests but open to friends.
You've got this!
Same
I cannot believe how spot on this is for me. I always thought I was anxious attachment but it never really resonated with me, but it was the closest to me of all attachment styles. This incredibly resonates with me I cannot believe it. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us! ❤️
EXACTLY MY SAME REACTION!
Me too!!
I felt the same way but thought I was a dismissive avoidant.
I finally feel seen and understood and most importantly I feel validated that its ok that I identify with this. Its merely an attachment style, and the ability to know and accept what it is, is the opportunity to be able to adjust myself to be more of what I want to be and less of what I don't. I feel empowered.
This is so 'bang-on' with FAs experiencing Limerence. It's all about the feeling and the intensity. Yes, we are real feelers with hyper sensitivity.
It should be against the law for someone to know this much about me. Thais, wtf. lol
Tell me ab it omg
😂😂😂😂😂
I've experienced a recurring situation where I'll have a crush on someone, and the moment there's any closeness or intimacy, that person suddenly "turns" super unattractive, I feel repulsion, etc.
Does anyone relate? Can this be a result of the fearful-avoidant attachment style?
That happens to me all the time! Most likely fearful-avoidant attachment style.
if I may -- you can look into those instances closely to find if you intentionally were trying to find something "wrong" with them so you can abandon the situation? it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy
100% me.
I started sobbing 3 minutes into the video and continued to cry throughout. I've never heard someone describe me word for word, so closely expressing my every thought and reason behind actions. Limerence is something I've experienced since childhood. I knew I was fearful avoidant but still, I'm truly speechless.
I feel kind of stupid that up to this very point, right now, I just assumed that I was 'weird'. Weird about different things, not connected - weird with me constant need to be seen and loved and powerful. Weird about avoiding relationships as a whole, despite loving love soooo much but just 'accepting' that I'm not good enough to be in a relation ship with some. This terrible, terrible 180 I always do after having a crush on someone and kind of getting closer, things getting real where I suddenly hate every little thing about them and get really nasty - the dislike only ever disappearing once whatever was blooming between us is thoroughly stomped out, then I suddenly like them again and think they're great (now that I'm 'safe').
Didn't ever think my generosity was 'weird' either but man... How is this an actual thing. With context. And why, if this is a 'thing', does it get to make up so much of what my character is? I feel really weird after having watched this, to be fair. Weird and not exactly encouraged, because doesn't that just mean that if the problem is with me, it'll always be there?
I'm 25 now and have not had a single relationship, and not for a lack of people interested in me. But I always always fuck it up and it's horrible.
You can work on your attachment and become more secure in yourself and your relationships. You don’t have to let your trauma control you forever because you can take control.
Don’t despair. Finding Thais’ channel and learning about attachment styles led me to shadow work which led me to remembering specific moments in childhood that led to my attachment style. Now I re-envision those memories as getting the love and nurture i so needed and deserved and remind myself when I’m triggered that I’m not just feeling the feeling from the triggering event but from all the events like it in the past. I feel the feelings instead of reject them because rejecting them is like rejecting yourself which is what our parents did to us in childhood...which is why we are this way. Love and reparent yourself and give yourself permission to try. Jesus loves you!
You can learn new skills and new ways to cope and to overcome and heal! I’ve done a lot of healing! I’m proof.
@@bridgeta. ,,n,
Hi!!!! I really hope you are in a better place now. Love and light
This is so spot on it’s scary. Thank you for your videos and they’ve been such a help.
The hardest thing for me is understanding my own emotions. How can I communicate something I don’t understand?
Yes, for things we do not know or understand, how do we even communicate? But I think the key is to gain knowledge thus we are here!
I know this was posted months ago but I relate to this so much
I have this exact feeling
The impact of childhood experiences really are relevant. I am going try to be more forgiving of myself and to try and trust a little more. I am slowly beginning to understand where I came from and where I need to go.
I'm a fearful avoidant, but I've been working on it. If you met me, you'd think "how is he single" (not to be arrogant). I am aware I'm attractive, highly educated (doctorate), outgoing, funny. People always try to set me up and I refuse because I don't want friends or other people I know to find out about that side of me. No one outside of dating and relationships would ever have any idea. It's just too embarrassing because I have it together in every other part of my life.
Haha I feel this people constantly wonder why I'm single even though I'm such a catch.
1- Over Givers, generous, feeling to earn love (FA can be stable and high achiever) or (really struggling addicts)
2- Constantly try to be better, perfect themselves, to feel worthy of love connection
3- Very anxious with DA generally.
4- Strong Feelers. Feel way too much then shut down feelings.
5- Hyper-vigilance/Attuned, read people extremely well, intuitively. Pick up so much tone voice change in patterns.
6- Very interested in human behavior.
7- Struggle with surface conversation. Small talk. Inside desire for depth and emotional connection though they fear it.
8- They often flip flop. "Should I stay? Should I go...Come here close, Go away"
9- Prone to Limerance.
10- Workaholics, addicted to, it intense about , machine like. Trying to earn status and worth to be worthy
11- Strange contrast of way too trusting/open/giving and highly suspicious (with core wounds)/push away real hard...
12- Guilt and shame as well. Their feelings don't matter tied to emotional neglect but some connecting ...
13- Feel lack of being seen, hear, or that they matter. They try to make up for that perception, worthy of love
14- Empowered to not feel trapped or don't matter.
15- Not about the fancy stuff, material stuff but the process and do I matter, feel empowered, do I run my life, not helpless.
16- Fear spending prolonger time with other people. Not all day or weekend. Because of enmeshment trauma (responsible for care givers emotions). Wounded bird thing going on with them, to see and fix people (if they have enough room for that)
17- Often withdraw during challenging times (they take on too many of other people's emotions and don't know how to navigate that)
Wow! Wow! Wow! I cannot believe how spot on you are! Your thorough description of a stable Fearful Avoidant is definitely not common knowledge, so I know you know your stuff. I can give deep, personal examples of everything you described.
Anointed Woman please share your examples
When you said they are giving to earn love you reminded me of the time when I was 6 and had an emotionally abusive teacher. I made her a necklace and arts and crafts in hopes that she would stop being mean to me. She used to call me stupid and dumb and that she would fail me back to kindergarten and she would threaten to tell my parents how dumb I was. I was so scared to tell my parents and I was so scared she was going to tell my parents that I was dumb. So I tried to be extra nice and giving to earn better treatment. so sad.
That’s a horrible thing you went through, I’m so sorry ❤️ I don’t understand why a person like that would become a teacher. You were a sweet little kid and totally didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
Wow, you just described me- what’s crazy is up until this point I thought I had an anxious attachment style ... but these seemed even more spot on for me 😨
Denise Williams Me too! I also thought I was anxious previously, but this also fits me to a T!
@@browneyedtwin1111 I think I have both. Because the anxious part of anxious attachment is super strong when I first start dating someone I really like. Its so intense I sabatoge it before it can turn into a relationship.
The high achiever version here, and it's so draining. But I am working on healing!
Oh my god, I never felt more understood. This is spot on, it's impressive. I also have ASD and I'm highly empathic, so growing un in a chaotic family dynamic and being ND, really made it hard.
omg i’m a fearful avoidant human with ASD as well! it makes the world and interacting with people so confusing, intense and hard sometimes 😂😭
ASD?
Omg me as well 🙈
@@genevawelch9865I think it’s autism spectrum disorder
5:20...totally me. I am anxious with my DA partner and if I am with a secure or Anxious person I am more dismissive.
Yes me too. With everyone else in my life I am seriously avoidant, I push away family and friends, but only with a dismissive my radar goes off and I become anxious. I start neutral and then become anxious 😥
Same.
Same
As soon as I start to like someone (platonically or romantically) an intense terror overtakes me to the point of losing sleep, experiencing heart palpitations, and constant nausea that inhibits any sort of regular eating. It is so exhausting.
I think I’m fearful avoidant.
My mother passed away and left me to my father who was very turbulent, aggressive, angry etc.
So I think I developed enough of a secure attachment as an infant that I never became totally avoidant because I can remember a time when I had a parent that comforted me.
This is so me I’m actually in tears. I had a very traumatic childhood and now am an overachiever and a lawyer. I’ve been trying to prove myself my entire life. Wow! You have helped me so much today. I am signing up! Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏾
This is so me. I want to work on this, all the inner wounds.. I also noticed I might be emotionally unavailable as well due to this. Definitely the high achiever fearful avoidant.
This is so me. Feel like I have to earn love and acceptance. Over giver and then suddenly snap shut and cut people out. Get overwhelmed by other people and daily life. Addictive tendencies esp love addiction. More attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Seek deep connection. Hyper vigilant. Hate small talk. Obsessed with healing and spirituality. Always trying to perfect myself. Terrible guilt and shame that sometimes makes me not be able to face people and situations. Need alone time every day, I get really stressed spending too much time with others.
This is literally me
This video and your website literally saved my life. It feels good to finally know whats wrong with me and its even more amazing to know it actually has a name to my disorder/ problem. I was sobbing when i watch this. Its like i finally found answers and know mysellf better. I hate mysself so much because i know i have so much love to give and im worthy of receiving them too, but theres always a force puling me back from being vulnerable and opening up to people i love and trust. thank you thank you thank you.
I like how you dont judge people, alot of videos about fearful avoidance and also mental illness like bpd people are so judgmental towards the person.
wow.. this perfectly describes my ex. They broke up with me a couple months ago and watching videos like these help me understand so much, and it makes it feel way less personal!! Thank you for this
I thought I was anxiously attached but I really see myself in almost everything you’re describing, except spending time with people. I love spending a lot of time with loved ones and close friends.
I’ve been so confused about my style cause my friends and family would swear I am dismissive, my boyfriend would think I am anxiously attached. This confirmed I am a Fearful avoidant.☹️ I feel things deeply, I feel other people’s feelings sooo deeply and I love giving.☹️
Thank you sooo much for putting this "high-functioning" fearful-avoidant content out! I feel like so much attachment style content I've seen either ignores fearful-avoidant altogether or treats it like a super rare thing that only happens in the most horrific circumstances & causes extreme problems like addiction etc. When I first read about all the attachment styles I immediately related most to "fearful avoidant," but as I read/saw more content I questioned it because it seemed like my life wasn't "bad enough" for me to truly be fearful-avoidant. Yet I related to everything you talked about here!
(Also, personally I dislike when it's only referred to as "disorganized" because "fearful-avoidant" is far more descriptive of what's actually going on, as opposed to throwing your hands up and saying "well it's a mess!" LOL it's definitely chaotic but it's not like there's no rhyme or reason to it, there's a core undercurrent of "I want to receive love, but when I do I feel scared and feel like the only way to stay safe is to dismiss it.")
I have never felt so seen in my entire life. Thank you! I want to heal and cope best with my fearful avoidant attachment style.
I have been going through your videos for the last few days, and I find them very empowering. Today, I finally broke the silence between me and my bf after weeks of shutting down from my part. It was such a relief! Thank you for giving me the courage to do that!!
I used to see my self as an empath but this video is so spot on! Can you explain the difference between the two?
Being an empath isn’t an attachment style. It’s a personality trait. ✨You can be an empath and any attachment style.
I always thought I was more anxiously attached but I swing the other way just as extreme. This video describes me perfectly and answers so many questions about myself. Thank you!
Wow so accurate. I always feel like NO ONE understand me because I am so back and forth and its crazy to hear me described to a T. I am so ready to heal!
Today I learned that I'm an FA, and this has been so validating and helpful. You described my behaviour profile perfectly.
I already feel empowered to move past this, and I actually can't wait to break myself out of these attachment patterns. Thank you Thais.
Thank you so much! I truly found myself here. I began researching attachment styles after a conversation with my boyfriend where he pointed out my constant need to prove myself constantly. It´s then that I realized that I deeply believe love is conditional and that we all must deserve it. This was so eye opening.
I feel personally outted thank you queen
I can't speak for all, but a big factor for me is "debriefing". Combing over the information collected during an interaction, mirroring it to how I feel emotionally and figuring out what I did wrong in order to have that outcome. There's a heavy emphasis on how I behave and the outcome. This is emotionally devastating in a failing relationship.
There is no self, because I am always tweaking what I do to suit the environment. I'm also quick to bow out if I don't think I can attune to the surroundings, including relationships, because it hits that core message of unworthiness hard.
10:43 that bit got me and made me cry. when i was 9, i asked my mom why is that when our entire family has dinner together, no one talks to me? her reply was, “it’s because you’re just a kid, and you’re not doing anything important like the rest of us are.”
i definitely have a deep chronic need where i just want to be seen & heard 😢
This just wrapped me up in a nutshell in 15 minutes :D I'm baffled!
My boyfriend watched this and said “ wow it’s you! Did you make a phone call with this lady?” He’s usually a pretty calm dude, which I said was the most valuable quality in a guy for me. Then he said “but somehow you can still manage to trigger yourself” 😩
😂😂😂 FA here, this comment was hilarious
Huh, this sounds like Anxious avoidant more than anything else. I’m in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. There’s a lot of control issues, a lot of narcissistic traits.
It’s me me me all the time. I Love her so much I’ll take all of it. I’m learning to cope and not freak out. I know it comes from a deep place and it’s hard for her to trust.
Push, pull all the time. We’re at the stage where we both want it to work. We’ve asked for each other’s help. Not to cure, but to open up and understand one another. Her new saying is “use your words” instead of playing mind games. I’m very anxious and head over heels in love. She’s the one for me and I know it. I’ve waited a life time for her. It’s not the way she acts or what she thinks. It’s what I feel when I hold her in my arms. That bond you can’t explain. It’s my place of peace and solitude. I never want to lose her. I’ll do anything for her and she knows it. Some people may think that’s not healthy, I don’t care, that’s how much I love her and cherish her love for me. Knowing it’s hard for her to trust, then she finally picks me. That’s simply an amazing feeling.
Yyaass! You described me perfectly!
In my last relationship my partner told our therapist everything was going great and that he was waiting for me to start pulling away. That was an AHA moment. Didn’t know I did that but it makes sense, as much as I want to be vulnerable, connected and close - it scares the hell out of me! Once I start getting close, I tend to pull away. 😔
You made me feel so seen!!! Yes I am a big achiever and I connect my failures/successess to my self-worth!! Thank you for your work and videos!! 😊means a lot 🙏
Omg this has been tye most relatable video for me, this can be so exhausting. Im trying to learn so much about this to understand myself better and heal. The fa attachment is soo confusing it took so long just to discover this. I will everything possible everyday to get outof this. Im getting better already.
Info starts at 2:40. Great Video, thanks!
This is hurting my feelings . It is so spot on :'(
I thought I was an AP but it was because my ex is a DA, so of course I was the axious one in the relationship. But I'm 100% FA haha I feel like I've been like this my whole life, like wanting atention and love and then if someone gives it too much I'm like no no get away...like why would you like to know me and ask me questions? I feel like I have to heal a lot of the anxiety part of it that includes de fear, working on it. Great video!
I recognized a few parts of myself here. I tested around 40% secure, and around 20% of the other attachment styles. Thank you Thais
I’m amazed. You described me to a T. I pay attention to the littlest things with people around me.. and I’m super generous. Often in an inappropriate way, like with people I barely know.. working through my attachment to heal myself and find peace :) thank you for this beautiful resource Thais :)
holycrap! and I thought I was just anxiously attached, I knew I had a little bit from both spectrums. Makes sense, much easier for me to work on it now
As a high functioning FA, I have watched so many videos like this (because of course I have!) And this is the most seen I've ever felt outside of 1:1 readings and coaching sessions. Incredible.
I found this channel a little late but all the videos have been incredibly helpful
Anyone else come here wondering if their partner is fearful avoidant and then end up wondering if it's actually more themselves who is the fearful avoidant? 🤔
Hayley Griffin asking myself that now. Lol
LMFAO me! 😂🙋♀️ now I’m confused 😂
Haha yes!
Haha I honestly forgot till I read your comment that I wanted to focus on identifying my partner's attachment style because I was so busy relating to all of this myself :D
Me...but tested secure bordering AA
I'm only just learning about fearful attachment. Omg so many things make sense, I never thought I had a trubled childhood until I had therapy and emotional neglect kept being mentioned. This information is key for all of us ❤
I’ve been working on attachment behaviors for 2 years and all this time I thought I was anxious, but FA sounds so much like me! I retook the quiz yesterday and I am more secure now at 44% and insecure FA at 25%! I not only feel more healed, but I feel like the results resembles that. Now that I know I’m more of an FA, I’m kind of excited to start working on things that I feel is the next step in my journey!
this is so beautiful. i was just crying and i love this.
I dated an FA, she broke it off because I was “too clingy” and she needed space even though we never talked and and would go days and weeks without speaking to me. Then when id try to take the time to go out with her, she’d tell me she had to do something and she’d “hang out with me when she had time.” Thing is, she’s a workaholic and wouldn’t bother making time for me. when I confronted her about her not going on dates with me, or taking a hour or two a week to hang out and talk, she got mad and told me “we should just be friends”. I ended up getting pissed at her, and she told me she “deserved better” after I told her that she would never have functioning relationships if she never put the time in to maintain them and move them forward. Funny thing is, she always complained about how she wanted friends but people would always move away from her and stop speaking with her. Now I see why. All I can say is good riddance
You know... thank you for that. I’ve slowly developed into becoming a workaholic and not finding time to be with others, but that can also happen intentionally. This comment really sheds a new perspective for me on what that will look like for a partner and I’d want to do better. Sorry for what happened to you, but there will be better out there!
loved this..... totally identified how you said we can be SOO INTENSE about something in our life or working for some kinda cause. i once had a volunteer stand in front of a room of 50 people and tell me that i was the hardest worker he had ever met.
it was funny during a weak moment in my life i asked this new girl i was just starting to date "am i being wishy washy" and she was like "NO, you are so certain its scary" i assume thats part of the intensity.
Yes this is what I am addicted to working on reprogramming, writing, LOVE LOVE LOVE TO WRITE your videos I am addicted too! What a Beautiful Healthy addiction to have . Honestly... I can spend 6 hrs a day writing and learning all about myself and connecting with my boyfriend and my family...
I hate that this is how I act, I so badly want to be close to others but my hyper-independence and hot/cold behavior hurts others and I feel so guilty for that. I just push people away and keep them all at a distance but I want closeness and intimacy, but I struggle to get close to others and this video was really an eye-opener. I constantly want to push others away “until I’ve healed” but then I’m depriving myself of experiences and closeness and actually perpetuating the same pattern I’ve spent years following, it’s so weird how our brain works..
So happy you keep this real. It is difficult to admit to certain behavioral patterns but I found solace in other attachment styles that work with mine. Great course offerings through the Personal Development School!
Good info. This is the fastest I've ever heard her talk. She knows it well because she was like that. I'm glad she got a steering wheel on that. She's a marvelous teacher! Thank you!
I'm SO glad I found your channel! You just described my most recent ex girlfriend to the letter. I have some education in psychology and I'm familiar with attachment theory so I could attribute much of her behavior to attachment trauma, and what I know of her childhood and previous relationships also fits the profile of the FA style. I wasn't completely sure because of the complexity and dynamics. NOW I am. Even though we're not together anymore (FA behavior playing a huge role in that) some weight has been lifted off my shoulders knowing that I at least didn't imagine it.
I feel You bro same here, My gf was a fa they tend to resent You from every little thing You do they keep tabs and also hypersesntitive
Damn, you talking about the two types of FA’s is spot on. My life all through my 20’s was chaos. Living with parents, college dropout, part-time job, addicted to weed, super unhealthy and extremely depressed. Then when I moved I got a full-time job, fell into a deep depression during the winter, then when I got out of it I really started changing my life around and became the high(ish)-achiever and am laser focused on bettering myself -possibly to a fault because it’s nearly all I do.
one time during a group gathering, someone was talking about nails and I got so conscious of my own nails that I started looking at it, then one of my friends noticed it and point it out to me. and I didn't even realize I was doing it subconsciously. This video described me 100%!!
I once had a date with someone i met on dating app in a foreign country... once I was with him in the cab i suddenly thought he was a kidnapper/murderer. My sweat broke out, i got so much panic that I told him i left my phone and wallet in the hotel and he needed to bring me back..,, once i was back in the hotel i told him sorry I can't go anymore, I am not so well. I mean, I can't get over my suspiciousness.... later i found out he is a normal guy who is now engaged :(
Hi! I'm definitely a perfectionist fearful avoidant. Your videos have been so informative for me and I am so thankful for them! Have you ever come across ROCD and fearful avoidant? I think I have been suffering from them both and it sucks :(
Thanks for the videos!
Wow. The accuracy is ridiculously on point.
I really appreciate all the value you pack into these videos. Your channel has been eye opening! Any insight on autism in relationships you would like to share? And maybe if that overlaps with the dismissive avoidant type? [Would love a profile on the second branch of fearful avoidant too! There's always more to unpack 😅]
This is me to the core, ok video not done but I'm sure, she's the one finally helping me determine my attachment because couldn't decide between whether I was anxious or this, now I know.gonna learn all I can on it and all the others in time bcos I love understanding human behaviors😅
this is the best description ive heard of what i assume is my attachment style. everything said here is extremely true of me. ive felt so guilty the past few years because major trouble came to my life via my partner having a psychotic break due to his own unexamined childhood trauma and i withdrew and stopped talking to nearly everyone in my life, just ghosted them basically. i was working on creative projects i really care about with many of these people and i just shut down. i have immense guilt from doing this, this video really helped me put this in perspective, plus anyone ive recontacted isnt upset with me for withdrawing, a possibility i so often ruminated about during this time in my life that i am still crawling out of. im glad people are waking up to how environment and parenting affects development, something i intuitively understood as a child, but nothing i said/cared about/felt mattered to any adult in my life.
Thank you SO much for this video! 🖤 I’m currently thinking of making a video myself about how I live with this attachment style (as a documentation for my healing). Your video’s are the most well structured ones from me and I have seen so many, read books and many articles about it. Thank you for helping ALOT of people with this ☁️🖤🖤🖤 I will reference this video bc I’m unable to make a structured video about this topic on my own for now 🖤💕💕💕 i’m so grateful for your work
Thanks Tais... for a long time i thought its me alone who has attachment issues, your talks have now made me realise my circle of aquaintance are not all securely attached, no they all have issues too that they have to own their stuff... its taken the pressure off..
The way so many of us didn’t know about us until very late in our lives
I’ve just started learning about attachment theory in the past 6 months and had heard your name over and over again. I already knew I’m FA. This vid had me crying. You know me already and you don’t even know me. I don’t feel alone.
I *was* constantly working on myself to feel worthy and good enough.
Wow this explains me very well. I've been struggling for years not understanding why I do the things I do. Sometimes I can't put my feelings into words. Thank you for this video as this will help me heal some deep embedded wounds from myself and relationships.
I use to feel like i had to be someone else for my parents. If I wasent in trouble with them, I was trying to earn their love. I felt it wasent sincere so I would try to find it in strangers. Now I know, I litterly feel like i don't have a connection with anyone. But I want love so much
This is scaringly spot on:)It's really hard to unlearn these patterns but God is in control.
You just described my life. I’ve been looking for answers for years.
Wow, never felt so seen. Someone tried to say I was anxious because that’s what came out dating someone who literally took the test for me & was a DA. I had never taken attachment tests but upon reading descriptions, knew that AA wasn’t me, because I sometimes choose to go YEARS without even going on dates after getting my heart broken. I’m passionate about volunteer work. Again, thank you for helping me understand myself better. 🙏🏻❤️