10 years ago, as an anxious attacher met my fearful avoidant. At times, he leaned more anxious, and at times he leaned more towards dismissive. One thing that never changed was our consistency on trying to better ourselves. We fluctuated so much throughout our relationship, but we learned our triggers. I’ve become secure with certain things that could trigger anxiety and he’s become secure with certain things that could trigger dismissive or anxious. I’ve had so much fun in our relationship despite our hardships, but we’ve grown and I love him so, so much. My sister is also, a FA and learning our triggers helped mend my relationship with her as well, and we’ve never had a better relationship!
So happy to come across this comment. A lot of the comments about dismissive avoidants have been ‘dismissive’ and disheartening. As someone who recently started dating a dismissive avoidant person, I can say for a fact that there are days when I feel like”what the hell am I doing?!” and some days I feel like we’re making progress. I hope that we’ll get to this stage where we both understand each other and know our triggers. Thank you for your lovely comment.
I am a fearful avoidant, in love with a dissmisive avoidant. I understand him so much more than he realizes. He is my favorite person in the whole wide world!
Thank you for this video ❤ I do see all of these in my avoidant partner. I see his pure and loving heart and I adore him so much… it pains me that he is too fearful to truly show himself. I try to be a safe space and go slow.
I feel like a lightbulb went off! I think I’m a fearful avoidant, but I always try to let my partner know that I deeply love them very much - even if it’s not verbalizing it. But I feel like I need to step up to the plate and do a lot more
I’m glad I stopped to watched this video. I can relate to all of it with the guy I’m seeing. Thank you, I see the progress he is making much clearer now. I had noticed him being more present and making some changes to his schedule so he can see me, and putting more effort in, and I think he’s on the brink of trusting the connection we have which will hopefully help him start to grow and let go of his fears. I trust how I feel about him completely, I’ve just had to be very patient. He still doesn’t verbalise his feelings which is frustrating, but his actions are changing quite rapidly and he talks about a future together somewhat indirectly. Thanks for doing this video, I really value your insight.
Well at least, i found all the signs. Its enough to knowing that the feeling was there.we are mutual in feelings. Its enough for me to close the chapter. As your previous video, you really made me realize that yeah he gave everything i needed to move on now. The times, the space, the effort to reply to my message at the early 1-3 days break up, closure, and everything. Thanks charlie for dropping the video and making all of these make sense. As an anxious attacher with fear of abandonment, i never feel this peaceful with break up. Lets continue the healing journey 🥹🖤
My fearful avoidant runs the minute he starts to have feelings for me. He has put me through hell. We both go to the same church and I do everything to avoid contact with him, but eventually he gets my attention and try's to start up a conversation. At one point, in this revolving relationship, I cussed at him and told him to leave me alone. He still comes back. I was genuine, kind, loving, caring and giving to him and I love him. I've also tried to get past this relationship but he won't let me go. I know he cares for me bc every time we get to him emotionally connecting with me, he runs yet he won't let me go, no matter how hard I try to leave him be. He had 2 failed marriages were both his wives cheated on him. I feel there is little hope in him ever getting over that. But its so hard for me bc I still love him and I know he feels the same way. He's just scared to death.
Summary and reflection on my own situation: 1. They initiate contact Mine actually takes the initiative 80-90% of the time. 2. Consistency He was very consistent in his communication, barely "deactivated" 3. Opening up He does share so much with me both of the bad and the good and says that I am more close to him than anyone 4. Supportive Actions This is his preferred way of showing up. I don't have a lot of requests, but when he can be the hero he likes to be. 5. Respect for Boundaries Yes, this has always been fine by default. 6. Details He remembers them better than me for sure. 7. Growth in Intimacy Ehh, I am not sure on that one. I think on a mental and emotional level he has grown in the connection, but we're not very physically intimate nor does he express his love in words.
He opens up and has been vulnerable sharing so much of his inner world but he’s not consistent and does not initiate contact. He is afraid to call me and has only been to my home once yet he drives the same distance to see others. He says he wants a wife but is not even putting any effort into dating. I feel more like his therapist or mentor. That’s why I decided to walk away.
Hi Charlie, it is very good video and so clear, appreciate on how it's well explained! But what can we do to face this avoidant behavior, what I learned from you, we just need to take everything slow and be gentle to him, and trying to support him while he is being vulnerable to open up, or how? And what we can do during a no contact period, do we need steadfast for a while and busy ourselves? I'll appreciate if you make a video of that, or if does so, where I can see that, big thanks :)
I agree about remembering details - but not about dates and stuff like that. He always remembered preferences, or knew how I’d react to things, or remembered how I felt about this or that - but he fucking sucked at dates 😂 (didn’t really bother me at a certain point, because I noticed that he sucked at dates with pretty much everybody - wasn’t personal)
Mine could remember I called him out once for a big (hurtful) mistake he made, but he couldn't remember wath kind of job I did, that I rented my apartment and didn't own it or that I don't have any children (after being in a relationship for one year)...
@jenniferrassart3054 that's just somebody who doesn't know you well at all. There's nothing normal about that, especially after a year. Those aren't small *details* -- those are big, important factors.
@@pattiking his mind doesn't work like that. You can write him a whole letter and he will probably just register a very small part of it, something that draw his attention and he will only be able to focuss on this. He didn't forgot Valentine's Day, New years eve or when I had to have surgery...
@@healingwithcharlie Yeah, social events! I refer about my 30th birthday party, which he would have to be near my friends, he just disappear, didnt say happy birthday. Its been a month and a half and i havent heard not even a word from him since then. Dont know if its a break up, its confusing, he just ran away
@stecaroline my DA, had a stunt jump event and he did not invite me, or tell me the date of, I ended up showing up to surprise him, but remained hidden until after the stunt was over ! This was televised …. His boss and older sisters were there. He said when I asked him about it beforehand that I would make him more nervous by being there🥲 When I saw him afterwards he was calm and said he was glad I did come, but he didn’t say anything about me staying to meet his family …. He asked me what my friend who attended with me for moral support and I were doing now after - like get out of here … we left and let him have his moment …. It’s definitely difficult dealing with an avoidant , who doesn’t yet connect the need for a SO to be there…. Perhaps next time they will be more used to the idea of social setting. But, I have only met his son and he met one of my friends for the first time that night…. We have been together almost 2 years
yeah, like on line women.....monkey branching....they jump around, play games. They give you acts of service, then get resentful and tell you that you don't reciprocate....Then get mean and use that as a reason to discard. Also, threaten constantly to break up, making one extremely anxious, runs away, "tests" you all the time. In my case 5 years, I couldn't handle it any more, but thank you, I appreciate your input and thoughts. I just couldn't do it anymore
After 4 months and a half since her provocked rupture we have been together, kissing us and blessings hours a couple of days, just this week, i'd say better than ever really we are, if she's (avoidant) is with other guy, maybe i hope rebound... The connection is re turning on growingly i feel
Absolutely they can! Sometimes they pull away slowly, sometimes suddenly. An important distinction is why they do it and what needs are they trying to fulfill by seeking safety in disconnection
10 years ago, as an anxious attacher met my fearful avoidant. At times, he leaned more anxious, and at times he leaned more towards dismissive. One thing that never changed was our consistency on trying to better ourselves. We fluctuated so much throughout our relationship, but we learned our triggers. I’ve become secure with certain things that could trigger anxiety and he’s become secure with certain things that could trigger dismissive or anxious. I’ve had so much fun in our relationship despite our hardships, but we’ve grown and I love him so, so much. My sister is also, a FA and learning our triggers helped mend my relationship with her as well, and we’ve never had a better relationship!
I love my FA’s ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you both were able to learn so much during your time together. Wishing you all the best :)
This is happening to us! It takes time and effort.
So happy to come across this comment. A lot of the comments about dismissive avoidants have been ‘dismissive’ and disheartening. As someone who recently started dating a dismissive avoidant person, I can say for a fact that there are days when I feel like”what the hell am I doing?!” and some days I feel like we’re making progress. I hope that we’ll get to this stage where we both understand each other and know our triggers. Thank you for your lovely comment.
1. Initial contact 2. Consistentie 3. Opening up / vulnerable 4. Support (actions over words) 5. Respect boundaries 6. Notice little things /details 7. Growth intimacy
I am a fearful avoidant, in love with a dissmisive avoidant. I understand him so much more than he realizes. He is my favorite person in the whole wide world!
Thank you for this video ❤ I do see all of these in my avoidant partner. I see his pure and loving heart and I adore him so much… it pains me that he is too fearful to truly show himself. I try to be a safe space and go slow.
I’m wishing you all the best with your partner! :)
I feel like a lightbulb went off! I think I’m a fearful avoidant, but I always try to let my partner know that I deeply love them very much - even if it’s not verbalizing it. But I feel like I need to step up to the plate and do a lot more
I’m glad I stopped to watched this video. I can relate to all of it with the guy I’m seeing. Thank you, I see the progress he is making much clearer now. I had noticed him being more present and making some changes to his schedule so he can see me, and putting more effort in, and I think he’s on the brink of trusting the connection we have which will hopefully help him start to grow and let go of his fears. I trust how I feel about him completely, I’ve just had to be very patient. He still doesn’t verbalise his feelings which is frustrating, but his actions are changing quite rapidly and he talks about a future together somewhat indirectly. Thanks for doing this video, I really value your insight.
He has done all of these 😢 which makes it even harder for me b/c I’ve been working hard to walk away
Same 😢 he was so loving and caring and all of a sudden it was over
Well at least, i found all the signs. Its enough to knowing that the feeling was there.we are mutual in feelings. Its enough for me to close the chapter. As your previous video, you really made me realize that yeah he gave everything i needed to move on now. The times, the space, the effort to reply to my message at the early 1-3 days break up, closure, and everything. Thanks charlie for dropping the video and making all of these make sense. As an anxious attacher with fear of abandonment, i never feel this peaceful with break up. Lets continue the healing journey 🥹🖤
My fearful avoidant runs the minute he starts to have feelings for me. He has put me through hell. We both go to the same church and I do everything to avoid contact with him, but eventually he gets my attention and try's to start up a conversation. At one point, in this revolving relationship, I cussed at him and told him to leave me alone. He still comes back. I was genuine, kind, loving, caring and giving to him and I love him. I've also tried to get past this relationship but he won't let me go. I know he cares for me bc every time we get to him emotionally connecting with me, he runs yet he won't let me go, no matter how hard I try to leave him be. He had 2 failed marriages were both his wives cheated on him. I feel there is little hope in him ever getting over that. But its so hard for me bc I still love him and I know he feels the same way. He's just scared to death.
Summary and reflection on my own situation:
1. They initiate contact
Mine actually takes the initiative 80-90% of the time.
2. Consistency
He was very consistent in his communication, barely "deactivated"
3. Opening up
He does share so much with me both of the bad and the good and says that I am more close to him than anyone
4. Supportive Actions
This is his preferred way of showing up. I don't have a lot of requests, but when he can be the hero he likes to be.
5. Respect for Boundaries
Yes, this has always been fine by default.
6. Details
He remembers them better than me for sure.
7. Growth in Intimacy
Ehh, I am not sure on that one. I think on a mental and emotional level he has grown in the connection, but we're not very physically intimate nor does he express his love in words.
Beautifully covered! All points apply :)
He opens up and has been vulnerable sharing so much of his inner world but he’s not consistent and does not initiate contact. He is afraid to call me and has only been to my home once yet he drives the same distance to see others. He says he wants a wife but is not even putting any effort into dating. I feel more like his therapist or mentor. That’s why I decided to walk away.
Same here lol....I called him 4-5 times, he only left a 20 sec voicemail once...such a child...
Hi Charlie, it is very good video and so clear, appreciate on how it's well explained! But what can we do to face this avoidant behavior, what I learned from you, we just need to take everything slow and be gentle to him, and trying to support him while he is being vulnerable to open up, or how?
And what we can do during a no contact period, do we need steadfast for a while and busy ourselves?
I'll appreciate if you make a video of that, or if does so, where I can see that, big thanks :)
But people need to have and protect their self esteem...
I agree about remembering details - but not about dates and stuff like that. He always remembered preferences, or knew how I’d react to things, or remembered how I felt about this or that - but he fucking sucked at dates 😂 (didn’t really bother me at a certain point, because I noticed that he sucked at dates with pretty much everybody - wasn’t personal)
LMAO shots fired! At least it wasn't a personal experience limited to you 🤷♂️
😂😂💯
Mine could remember I called him out once for a big (hurtful) mistake he made, but he couldn't remember wath kind of job I did, that I rented my apartment and didn't own it or that I don't have any children (after being in a relationship for one year)...
@jenniferrassart3054 that's just somebody who doesn't know you well at all. There's nothing normal about that, especially after a year. Those aren't small *details* -- those are big, important factors.
@@pattiking his mind doesn't work like that. You can write him a whole letter and he will probably just register a very small part of it, something that draw his attention and he will only be able to focuss on this. He didn't forgot Valentine's Day, New years eve or when I had to have surgery...
You have right...the avoidands are different... Mine is stingy,have borderline and narcissism.....so the most of them are more end that..
Hi Charlie, could you make a video about big events for avoidants? Why they disappear before a big or special event and how could we handle this?
By a big event, I'm assuming you mean something like a wedding, anniversary, or social meet up of some kind?
@@healingwithcharlie Yeah, social events! I refer about my 30th birthday party, which he would have to be near my friends, he just disappear, didnt say happy birthday. Its been a month and a half and i havent heard not even a word from him since then. Dont know if its a break up, its confusing, he just ran away
@@stecaroline😩😩
Absolutely! I'm always working on an AMA type video soon based on questions in my comments, and I'd be happy to include it in the video as well :)
@stecaroline my DA, had a stunt jump event and he did not invite me, or tell me the date of, I ended up showing up to surprise him, but remained hidden until after the stunt was over ! This was televised …. His boss and older sisters were there.
He said when I asked him about it beforehand that I would make him more nervous by being there🥲
When I saw him afterwards he was calm and said he was glad I did come, but he didn’t say anything about me staying to meet his family …. He asked me what my friend who attended with me for moral support and I were doing now after - like get out of here … we left and let him have his moment …. It’s definitely difficult dealing with an avoidant , who doesn’t yet connect the need for a SO to be there…. Perhaps next time they will be more used to the idea of social setting. But, I have only met his son and he met one of my friends for the first time that night…. We have been together almost 2 years
yeah, like on line women.....monkey branching....they jump around, play games. They give you acts of service, then get resentful and tell you that you don't reciprocate....Then get mean and use that as a reason to discard. Also, threaten constantly to break up, making one extremely anxious, runs away, "tests" you all the time. In my case 5 years, I couldn't handle it any more, but thank you, I appreciate your input and thoughts. I just couldn't do it anymore
Well I guess he never liked me
After 4 months and a half since her provocked rupture we have been together, kissing us and blessings hours a couple of days, just this week, i'd say better than ever really we are, if she's (avoidant) is with other guy, maybe i hope rebound... The connection is re turning on growingly i feel
is english your first language
Lol. He doesn't do anything at all for me or us. I think he forgot me.
Do avoidants love bomb and want to jump all in and then slowly pull away over time?
Absolutely they can! Sometimes they pull away slowly, sometimes suddenly. An important distinction is why they do it and what needs are they trying to fulfill by seeking safety in disconnection
Is this why my boyfriend hardly touches me in ANY way and prefers “me time" insteqd of sex with me?
He doesn't give a **about me according to you. Wouldn't surprise me at all btw.