People Who Care Too Much
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ต.ค. 2024
- Is it possible that you care so much about relationships that you become trapped by hurt and other raw emotions? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how there are limits on how strongly you should invest in others, and how to manage your emotions when your good efforts are not met with a positive reaction.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby...
www.amazon.com...
www.amazon.com...
www.amazon.com...
Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com...
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can assist: betterhelp.com...
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Caring too much can wear a person out. In my experience, trying to help too much has made people resent me because I made the situation about me wanting to see them "better" according to what I thought was " better". I didn't even realize what I was doing, being overbearing.
Granny,
Same with me. You and I seem to put a lot into relationships. We are really hard to come by. Most people don't care. I aim to please but also want to be pleased.
I am showing people the way to be as well as meaningful in what I do. People don't want to catch on. It's a choice.
You must be a great person. I will appreciate all the times you did and others didn't do for you. I feel that is my choice. 👌
Don't let them bring you down cause its too easy for us to fall for it if we don't take the time to look and notice how we are treated and if it is acceptable. Lots of times it is not acceptable. We have to be true to ourselves.
Granny, me too. We mean well and they cant take it, so what. We at least gave a sh-t for people when they didn't even care about themselves.
You inspire me. I feel you have been down a long road with this one and came out with dignity and sanity. Bless you for sharing your words.
It's great you have that insight. Love is willing the good of the other person. But first, we have to discern the TRUE good of the other person. We have to realize, 'This other person is OTHER. He or she is NOT ME.' And then you have to listen - a lot, silently, openly - and MAYBE you'll have the insight to realize what's truly good for them and be able to help with that. But we always have to respect the other person as OTHER. They are - as Dr Carter says - responsible for themselves. They have to decide.
I've found - after some 30 years working with young adults - that most people don't want advice 'what to do,' even if they ask for that. And most people don't want to be rescued and shown 'what I would do is what you should do.' Most people actually know what they want; they know how they want the situation they are in to resolve; and deep down, they know the hard steps they might have to take to make that situation come about.
I ask all the time, 'Well, what do you think?' Especially when they say, 'I don't know what to do?' it's much more efficient to say, 'What are some things you know you CANNOT do to resolve this?' than to throw out ten ideas that I think might work. Helping them list all the ways they simply CANNOT deal with this situation for whatever reason, allows them to narrow down their options to the point that you say, 'Well, what's left that you CAN do to resolve this? Is there any small first step you can take here?' They will almost always supply it. And if they don't - be silent, because they may be wrestling with accepting something like, 'I've got to give up on my mother and simply separate' or 'I've got to accept that this is not what I should be pursuing and make a major change in my studies/career goals' or 'I've got to admit my problem and get professional help.'
The best thing you can possibly do for people is LISTEN. Listen openly, non-judgementally, and SILENTLY in the sense that your brain is quiet; you're not thinking of all the 'help' you can give and the one-and-only solution that you're going to provide. You are just OPEN, receiving, listening. Maybe ask a question that helps them clarify ('Now, I'm confused; why is that not an option in your situation?') and accept what they say.
Most people just need to work through their chaotic thoughts that are all blended up with emotions and conflicting values and attachments... Just LISTEN, be that person who has all the time in the world and is never busy and has nothing better to do than just being here, LISTENING, for as long as it takes.
You'll quickly be able to discern the difference between the people who deep down know what they must do and have the courage to do it, versus the people who will just complain and complain and never see their own responsibility for themselves and their lives and take some steps in the right direction.
Let go of the ones who are just a hamster spinning that same wheel of 'Poor me and my sad situation; it's everyone else's fault.' Be there for the ones who are truly taking responsibility for their lives and just need someone to LISTEN, truly hear who they are and where they are. At the end, you may just give them a hug and say, 'I'll pray for you.' They have to do it themselves. But just by listening so openly and with true concern, you do them a world of good and they grow into themselves instead of being an automaton marching to your orders.
Figaro Hey! WISE ADVICE & IDEAS. I’m usually one sharing with people what I’ve been through and what worked for me.. or what I’ve read and trusted the suggested advice would help them. I really want to just LISTEN.. but feel like I “should” share with them, some options they haven’t thought of. But I like what you basically said. Have them come up with their own solutions, and know the difference about what they can fix, themselves.. and what they can’t. Anyway.. I’m going to really try to use these questions.. along with just trying to LISTEN.. without any suggestions.
I care too deeply, but I wouldn’t say I am an empath. My problem is still caring long after the person has demonstrated their disdain for me and/or my concern.
Time to start figuring out boundaries. Dr. C
I am in therapy, so maybe that is where we are heading.
Also the 3/1 guide line can help sometimes. When I get bad mojo from someone n I am conscious I can do three activities for me n then 1 for them...
OR, I could think about myself 3 times before I indulge in thinking about them 1 time...
If 3/1 is too hard try 1/1.
If 3/1 is too much attention to them try 5/1 or 10/1...
I even have done 3 days for me and 1 day “with/for” them.
I say this as one who’s suffered from abandonment feelings / codependency/ over fixation on others as I was highly trained in this as a kid n it happens as a habit with me so a ratio tool has helped me be healthier.
It really works for sexual relationships where energy can get soo strong soo quickly.
It’s like a pressure release value. Hope it helps.
Dr Les’s channel is such a nice vibe n good learnings all around from him as a great co/leader and us subscribers, co/learners, too.
A great model for what healthy exchanges look like exudes here. Gratitude 🙏🏽
A good therapist told me, "We are to be responsible to other people but not responsible for them."
Well stated. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter I'm glad you approve. The distinction made an enormous change in my understanding and personal situations. I like to help people but I must also recognize my limits and not be afraid to say so.
Is not okay to care about those who hurt you, try to manipulate you, and try to use you. Caring for everyone else is okay.
How do you turn it off though?
Peaceful Warrior Care ... from a distance.
you can care about some one who is trying to ruin your life. You need to understand them enough to stay away from them. You can forgive them but never forget. forgiveness ( caring to only that point) does more for you than them.
@@patmanchester8045 Exactly!
This sums everything up. 😁👍
"Don't be afraid of your aloneness. Don't be afraid of your singularity of thought and physicality." ♥
I cared alot about people especially in a relationship but nobody cares about me at all,I wish I had some one that cares as much as I do.
I get what you're saying. Sometimes there is a loneliness when you are deeply devoted to tenderness. Dr. C
My favorite guy on TH-cam! You are a blessing!
I agree.
I agree too
I agree....... ♥️
It’s about balance and boundaries. I’m finally learning.
I hear you, Kay. Boundaries are a lifetime work for me.
I understand this perfectly, I wanted so much to resolve things with people that I would keep going back to them hoping things would be different between us. When I discovered my kindness and gifts were only causing the narcissists to think they had more power over me, I realized nothing I could do no matter how good or kind would make any difference, in fact it actually fed the ego of the narcissist. Then is when I knew I was hopeless to make a difference so I walked away. Even my good deeds were twisted to appear stupid, there didn't seem to be any reason to continue with these people. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to fix bad relationships, its better just to move on to others who do not act like this. The Lord brought me wonderful relationships outside of family that will always be my friends because they are loving, kind and full of joy.
Oh, I see! Me too! I did the same thing with my Narc sister! Every time I read a post of yours, I connect with you SO much! I tried to find your book. Where can I buy it? Good to see you here again - I really like you.
@@OceanSound100 The name of my book is "Narcissism: Second Timothy Three is Here." by Gwendolyn Wehage. It can be found on Amazon, Barns and Noble and also on Ebay.
@@gwendolynwehage6336 I could not find it on eBay but saw it on Amazon. I read a bit about it on Amazon. I was going to do my book based on Christian beliefs too because how can we not. I see your book is based on it a lot and I agree. I am Christian too.
@@OceanSound100 Yes, since I am a Christian I want to base everything I think about this matter of narcissism on the Bible. The term "Narcissism" is not in the Bible, it comes from Greek Mythology but the concept of excessive self love is in the Bible in 2 Timothy 3. Even the seculars get some things right in their observances even if they don't always have the right solutions. We can all see the behavior and effects of narcissism in our culture, its on steroids today because of the 40 years of self esteem teaching in the schools. Our generation is so full of themselves they are difficult to reason with. I call this the "irrational" generation.
@@gwendolynwehage6336 It has become so out of control I agree. All the selfies and obsession with looks along with the disregard for others is painful - absolutely! My Narcissistic brother and I had a bad discussion on email the past week and it is over with us now. My heart hurts pretty much from it.
I have to get your book and stay in touch with you. I have so many books to catch up on though, but I would love to stay in touch and talk about yours.
I saw you on another channel but forgot which one it was. TH-cam is fascinating with so much information. New times for sure. The Aquarian Age is here! Take care of yourself!
I have come a long way in my 60 years on this planet, but I was raised that I had to care. My mother would guilt trip me with tears and crying saying "you don't love me" if I went out with friends as a college and young adult. I was guilted into having to "care" for her to my own detriment. I am learning not too care for those who have taken advantage of my "caring"
Be The Observer 🕊
Never Absorb 💫
HOW. Seriously. HOW?
Good advice.
@@fingerprint5511 sometimes just keeping that thought in mind (when you are going through something with someone you would usually absorb from), will help you begin to re-shape your thinking
@@watcherwlc53 you won't believe this but I was just reflecting on the mind and how corrupted it is with negativity and this alert from you appeared. Blessings for you and thank you 🙂🙏
so true, ...challenging to do in the moment though. I made the same point earlier about the news. That we should watch but not get emotionally sucked in
I've spent many years caring more about other people than myself. I would put my whole life aside for them helping them take care of their issues their self conflicting emergencies. Somewhere along the line I discovered that I forgot to live my life. Yes I care about people, Yes I love people, Yes I can feel what they're feeling. That helps me as a Holistic Practitioner. After all these years I did finally learn one thing. If someone has an issue with me, it's their issue not mine.
Well said!
❤this you’re 100% correct!!
I care and I am too kind and other people use me . Sometimes is better to put yourself first.
I've never taken a survey but it seems like children who were never allowed boundaries are the adults more sensitive to needing to please somebody else, to "feel" that oneness through being overly empathetic. This video, in my opinion, is wonderful for making that clear.
Judy Lee very true.
I’ve been following this channel and several others. One that has spoken to childhood issues, trauma, and how it affects our adult connection and attachment...is Personal Development School, by Thais Gibson (also on TH-cam)
She has changed my life! My thinking has changed and I feel so empowered now. It’s a process, so I’ll keep at it.
Recovering Codependent here😬
Blessings 🌸
Sending you positive vibes for your personal building. We're all works in progress, so you are not alone in that. Thank you for sharing. @@Alphacentauri819
For years I went to therapists and was told that I care too much, but I never could hear what their suggestion was to not do that. I am able to hear you Dr Carter and I thank you from the bottom of my caring heart.
I have healer’s disease ( codependency )
I am an empath 98 percent empathetic
my experience is that i live in a world where people are threatened, isolated and indifferent
it is a lonely world
i realize that people are not going to like me and i am able to accept that
i am still seeking like minded people
thank you for this video Dr C
Deborah Carroll I hear you.
In the last couple weeks I have had epiphanies and moments of transcendence.
It’s been extraordinary and I had bliss and felt love, like I’d always been seeking in others. Part of my connecting and feeling in relation to others, when it was Codependent...was actually a cry to reconnect to myself.
We often become disconnected from what we need in order to try to meet others needs.
A true healer is connected to themself, authentic, treats themselves as they would a small child (kindness, no negative internal dialogue loops, good pure nutrition, enough outside time, adequate sleep, time to create, enough exercise and outside time)...then they actually can be healing and have good boundaries in place.
Codependents often are seeking to control and have unresolved trauma...it takes some digging, but is there.
Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie, is one of the best books.
Another great resource on TH-cam is Personal Development School, by Thais Gibson. She’s changed my life. More revelations than from multiple counselors over the decades.
Eckhart Tolle is a great resource too.
I am a recovered Codependent, who has empathy, but firm boundaries in place...with no need for anyone else to meet my needs or approve of me. I love myself and am living in the present, limiting expectations to very basic... it is revolutionary and empowering.
Blessings🌸
I have found that bible studies are a great way to connect with other quality empathic people. Ours usually makes plans to hang out with each other and do fun things. There are great people out there, you just have to know the places to find them. Volunteering is also another great way to meet people. Oftentimes we are so busy with our own lives(or should be) that we dont have a ton of time for anyone else, but the little spare time we do have can be spent with other good people. I feel one of lifes huge lessons is learning to be comfortable walking alone, and also of letting go.
I am an empath too. The hardest bridge to cross is self-acceptance. We just have to find a way to love ourselves. No one understands us fully. We must understand ourselves and love ourselves no matter what.
Where does one go to be assigned a % of empath?
@Deborah Carroll, I found the Myers-Briggs personality test gave clarity to my social aptitude. Give it a shot and i do feel right in saying to recommend it to others :)
And remember, you're not alone, it's just that other like minded, are shy
I discovered that someone can interpret caring to much at some point as much as telling them they cant or wont take care of themselves. They become difficult .. resistant .. and eventually reject your interference.
All meant with the best of intentions, not controlling or over the top, it did leave me with uncertainty, hurt as well as many months of silence between us after a close 30 year friendship .
I had to retrain my mind not do things based solely on other folks reaction, you do not have to agree with everybody 👌
Exactly! Too many people forget that WE CAN RETRAIN OURSELVES. We can accomplish so much that way including balance and self esteem.
His messages always make me connect with my self worth...I can't forget that it's ok to like me too ;-)
Amen !
We need a daily reminder on our cells for just that.
Feel it.
Pretty good advice. Did that for years, until I got wise.
The only problem now is that it affected me so much, I have pretty much shut everyone out.
I spend most of my time alone these days.
But, as the Buddha says:
"Better to walk alone than dwell amongst fools'".
Me too.!
The people in front of you are not necessarily fools. You just have to retain a knowledge of self when dealing with others.
I find it nearly intolerable when I explain how I feel to someone, and they don't get it at all. That in congruence in difference of thinking. It's so frustrating! Cause I so need to be heard and understood, and I had my thoughts and feelings brushed off as a child. My last boyfriend was like that, he couldn't comprehend anything I said, unless is was simple and basal. We broke up. My narcissist though, understood me before I even spoke (or I thought he did, cause it was like he was in my head).
I HAVE cared too much. I'm listening closely to what you say there, that it says more about them than about me. I'm also finding it safest to be on my own right now. It's the most healingest thing I can do I think, and watch lots of educational stuff like your videos. I have been called an angel in the past, and that made me realize, I DO go out there and try to heal people.
When someone Tries to insult you by telling you that your too caring.. I luhv you
Dr. Les, you are right on! Um, except on one point. Empaths are not just people who feel compassion for other people and care too much. It is deeper than that. Empaths literally feel the other persons feelings. Empaths need to learn to distinguish between their own feelings and the feelings of others around them that they are absorbing. There are no handbooks around to teach us this and how to block out others feelings. It is very confusing and frustrating for empaths, which is why we do better in an isolated location. However, learning boundaries is IMPERATIVE!! I found the book "Boundaries" (when to say yes, how to say no) by Drs. Cloud and Townsend to be a very valuable, easy to understand guide on how to develop and maintain healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr. "Let" for all of your videos, they've really helped me a great deal and I can assure you sir, you are doing us a great service!!!! God Bless!!!
Yes to what you say. BTW, a couple of weeks ago I recorded a podcast with Henry Cloud. Not sure when or where it will be aired, but if you are on his podcast list, keep an ear out. Dr. c
Yes let me on the bus let that was the best story
! You thik smart and loving and show us how to not . Be used like a supply . !.
Yes! This is great Lori Buonamici! I believe empaths have a gift and it's to pray for the person when we feel the pain. Then I ask God to cleanse me of it, and I usually feel ok after a bit. It's not the easiest gift, but a needed one in this world-and what a blessing for others who need empathy, which is practically non existant today.
@@rhondajones6219 Thank you for your comment, to feel with other people, you even have their feelings and feel their pain, and you will have to give it over to God and leave it at His feet.
@@rhondajones6219 iINFJ, Sigma, Empath - it is very difficult - my children primarily & grandchildren - I have health issues now & can’t FIX everything.😞
I realized how much listening to you has helped me when I recently was able to handle a normally traumatizing experience with calm detachment, civility and grace. Thank you for making a difference
What a wonderful breakthrough!
Yes, and thanks for sharing this! Dr. C
7:03 Point 1 You are unique, just as others are unique. 8:07 Point 2 While it nice to have convergence, it is not necessary. 8:57 Point 3 sometimes you have to go solo 9:44 Point 4 others' rejection and disapproval is more about them 10:31 Point 5 In our humanity, we'll not always going to be on same page. 11:22 Dignity, respect, civility
Yes, I love the video. Self responsibility is a must for a health individual. It is important to care about others but not to the detriment of your own health. Healthy self comes first. You cannot give from an empty cup. I learnt that lesson not to alter self, being your authentic self without fear and not change your self to the point you are not your self, are afraid to be your self.
I often wonder how I am the way that I am, growing up with a narcissistic mother and an abusive household. I care so much for people and I think I fall into both the empth category and I do sometimes care too much. I've always said being the sensitive, caring, loving person that I am, is more of a curse than a blessing. It gets you hurt way too much and people take advantage. I'm flawed in having a hard time finding balance. Thank you Dr. Carter for this video and I hope I can do a better job at finding balance in the future.
If you have to have a flaw, this isn't the worst. I get what you are saying, Shelly. Keep grinding it out! You're an inspiration. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thank you so much. ❤
Exactly! I’m practicing saying “No” & setting boundaries. It’s hard to change a lifetime habit. 😪
Trying to always make others happy and keeping peace can really ware you out..been there for years..now learning about a NARCISSIST I am so much better, thank you Dr. Carter you have helped me so much...💜
True! Grew up where boundaries weren’t respected, but working hard now to learn what that balance is - thanks Dr C
This is me! I own my own problems and others’ problems. It’s not good.
If someone hurts you and does not feel the need to make an authentic, sincere apology, you should probably direct your care in a different direction….that person will most likely hurt you again….side note, unique is not the same as special ….Everyone is unique but no one is any more special than anyone else…. We are all different and we all have something of value to offer because we are unique…Thank You Dr.Carter!
One of the common threads I’ve noticed between narcissists is that they take matters of taste or opinion and insist their view is the only right one (they may even say it’s a fact). It could be taste in music or opinions about politics, but when you feel a narcissist is trying to “bully” you into agreeing, make sure you stand up for your own self. Even if it’s just in matters of taste like food or music, tell them you disagree and don’t let them attempt to make you lose your own self.
This makes me think of Brene Brown's "Braving The Wilderness" - belonging to a group is nothing compared to the authenticity and strength that comes from belonging to yourself. nothing can take it away.
thank you, this is beautiful and so needed.
My husband is SO HEALTHY. He absolutely does not care about what anyone thinks, feels, or wants. As long as it doesn’t effect him. Amen.
but you care so much ......... lol
Compassion. Sometimes it is best to be a less than perfect example. Our narcissistic traits work so often towards "looking good" or "perfectionism* --- these are caring too much about what others think and see. 🌿🐡
Good way to put it! Dr. C
I just ordered your book "When pleasing you is killing me". I can't wait to get it and start reading it! Thanks!!!
You are going to love the book ... it became my bible .. hope it brings you as much as it gave me 🙏
I learned so much from that book, it's a great read and re-read.
Me too I want this book, love this guy
so lessen is what ?
It’s so hard to care too much when u feel so deeply!
fuc^ that deepness ..... lol
fuc^ that deepness ..... lol
I'm an Empath and I'm sick and tired of the not good side of it!
Thxs Dr. Carter! 😊
why are you proud of being empath .... empaths are not newton !
or not intelligently make any scientifically contribution to mankind !
The aim is the center, isn’t it? Balance, balance, balance. Great video session.
Caring is not a bad thing.. you just need boundaries.. thank you..love your videos.. they have been very helpful
I think we all exhibit these traits from time to timé. It's àbout recognizing when and correcting it as soon as possible. I love whàt you sày honor whàt others think ànd feel without losing your own identity in decisions or altering your security about who I recognize I am.
Your a blessing to those of us seeking peàce.
Dr. C. You are my hero. Thanks for the words or wisdom this morning.
Everyday !
Les I have taken Two points out of this message
a) won't curb my likes out of fear of what the other person perhaps doesn't like
b) being honest with myself such as if I feel, key word "insecure" and changing my mind and coming across as deceitful
Now I know why I have made this mistake many times as I couldn't put my finger on it till now Kind regards
It's so encouraging when I learn the videos prompt an awakened mind. Dr. C
I wish you were my therapist. You have incredible insights
Thanks for the nice compliment. While I'm unable to be in that role with you, we still have the medium of TH-cam and the websites, so I'm pleased we can connect in that fashion. It's a privilege for me to be part of your growth. Dr. C
I just fell into this trap because I was afraid for my mother's safety. She was living with me and making my life a living hell, so I found her a roommate - another senior lady. Everything was going well for about 3 months until it turned out that the roommate had a diagnosed schizophrenic grandson and he would visit at random. Also the roommate began exhibiting some strange behaviours herself. So I removed my mother from the situation because I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if she got hurt after I put her there. Now my life is a living hell again.
Keep ur distance. Why can yt u live separately?
I may not say it enough .. Thank you Dr C .... I’ve learned to step back and look at the bigger picture .... puts things in better perspective for me , so I don’t care so much ... I was guilty of this years ago ..
Dignity
Respect
Love
Empath
Spiritual
Civil
Aware
Responsible
Tenacious
Evolved
Righteous
Too much caring is also a violation of boundaries of the other person and can be compulsive. Its always good to reflect ones own motivation. Thanks so much for all the great videos! 💖 Greetings from Germany
God bless you Dr Carter. It does not pay to turn our sacrifices into a fool’s paradise.
It sounds to me, like that Woman, is actually jealous of who you are, and how people admire you. Also, it sounds as though they were brought up in a very harsh environment, where to show vulnerability, meant "punishment" of some sort, so they learnt to show none.
You do some very important work Dr C.
I, myself have been in a fairly wounded place, at times...and I watch you, with your calm, balanced, sensible, but caring manner...and I feel replenished, and validated.....empowered to know I'm on the right track.
When you have people gaslighting you, it's so good to hear a solid voice of reason, amongst those crazy-making voices. So thank you.
I, personally see your caring as a huge Blessing, and obviously, many other people do too.
You may find gentle firmness is a foreign concept to a lot of people, who have been brought up with "chopping the heads off others to make themselves tall".
I think you care, just the right amount, and help others to do the same.....
Thanks for pointing out the "tipping point" from empathy to too much empathy.
I recently read a quote which read:
“If ego is not your amigo, you know it stinks!” ~Unknown
We do need to keep a sense of our own self-worth and stand our ground, especially with narcissists.
Thank you Dr. C. Always appreciate your kindness and wisdom.
Not so much a 'hero role or PR mode" w me [ as a retired Rn ] was that I was / am an empath that, especially w family members, in order to relieve the anxiety that manifested in me bc of their anxiety or problems... was to be a problem solver so my own anxiety would be relieved. I could relate [ on a feeling level ] to Alzheimer's and stroke patients, which was very rewarding as a nurse. I was often left drained emotionally and physically. Family members took so much advantage of me that, after attempting to set boundaries, which failed... I just had to disengage. I was eldest of 2 alcoholics and became the parents to my other 4 siblings at the age of 8. I broke the pattern of abuse and I have 3 happy, well adjusted adult children. I need and enjoy being by myself. I love nature and animals and am happiest with them ... my husband and I have been married 10 yrs and give each other our own space. I lost me a few times.
That's what I like about you, Dr. Carter, you are deeply kind and caring but one can tell that caring comes from a foundation of true strength of character. You inspire trust.
Thank you, Esther. Dr. C
I'm so sorry Dr. Carter.
There are those who have Ph.D.'s and Doctorate's in maliciousness, complaining, insulting, etc.
I appreciate your time, effort, and wisdom.
Thanks for all you do.
God Bless
Yes, I am an overcarer. But one in recovery. )
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter! I have struggled with this my entire life. I'm trying to learn how to overcome it. I think I learned to sense other people's feelings and care more about them than my own because it was a survival strategy for living in an abusive home in childhood. I appreciate the insight you have shared with us so much.
A lot of what you say in this video reflects the content of the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. This video is a good summary of may of his points. You hit the nail on the head when you distinguish that one is responsible for one's own actions or feelings, but not those of others, and caring too much about the latter makes you narcissistic in an unhealthy way. Well done on this useful video. I would also recommend Robert Gover's book to any man who wants to know more.
Not only I saw myself thru this mirror-speech but I felt completely understood and accepted. Free for 2 years of a 35 years long "NPD" marriage, as an unsecure empath, I sometimes need to hear such things on my way to reconstruction. Thank you Dr Carter and blessings. What you say here reached my heart very deep. The freedom to be me so as God created me, and to grow in grace and dignity.
Amen Dr. Carter! I'm grateful for your healthy teaching.
Your Very Kind 🕊
Wow! While pondering what kind of person I want to be, caring less about my abusive narcissist came to mind. Two seconds later this video. XOTHANKS
This is me to a “T”, so glad I found you Dr C after a 24 year marriage to a narc, now caring for my difficult elderly mother. I am reading “When pleasing you is killing me”. I will take the book to heart and implement the strategies and create boundaries. Blessings to you
Dr Carter, I'm so grateful that you chose to have TH-cam channels. Thanks for sharing you're incredible affirming wisdom 🙏💞
Thanks Dr.Carter, I've realized that I have been feeling Terrible All Summer, because I agreed to sign up for a course which I Really Don't want to do, Just to make someone can else feel Valued and Happy...I feel Sick with Stress because of it, So I've now decided Not to do it, and just take whatever comes...It was meant to be Something that would be nice for me, but I have several Chronic Illnesses, And also have Social Anxiety, So being trapped in a room full of Strangers every day, would be My idea of Hell.
Also narcissist care a lot what others think of them, but not in an empathic way, but in ego driven way, with lots of entitlement towards others! Great content as always! Much love&light💗
Frances Bernard here. My experience too. Thank you Dr. Carter for being a down to earth care giver who is not deluded into thinking that he needs to remold people into something they are not so they can fit in among one small crowd instead of encouraging them in their decision process while leaving that small crowd . There is no such thing as people who care too much. Instead there are people around who do not care enough while not allowing people to have opinions different than their own who are not always easy to spot right away. Their family background often does not always give a clue about who they might be. A clue may be how they hire. It is better to look for other clues. For example if you do not see diversity in their work place and for example if the only role a person wearing a Muslim head scarf there is being allowed to do is housekeeping duties there then look out. Or if one of them admits they don't like serving people with black skin as much. As soon as you see clues like that -- cut your losses early and run before they throw you onto the street and then gossip behind your back about how for example according to them it is you who is the racist one and whatever else they are up to at the time which they want to cover up instead.
Whenever I feel life is getting a little overbearing I just watch your videos and feel I get my balance back again. I’m learning so much with you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. God bless you
I had a psychopath say that to me once about caring what others think. They just wanted me to release my inhibitions so they could get what they wanted from me. True lesson.
From the place and family i grew up with, i never thought that good people ever existed. No one in my family and relatives has ever talked to me about the truths of self and life in general, not even in school i studied with. Its awful and so painful. While the basic needs are important like food, shelter and clothing, it did not help me know that i have a self and that i am valuable because i grew up feeling like i'm nothing. Now i realized that there are indeed good people out there. I am glad that a person like you Dr. C existed in this world we live in. Thank you for all that you do to heartily uplift humankind.♥️
same thing happens over and over ...... with emapathetic people
Boundaries are so important!! It is unhealthy to not create some restrictions on what flows in your life and when and why. Caring for loved ones means being able to assist younger people in this category to grow and develop in a healthy environment. Boundaries can also help you to be a better friend and partner throughout life. Thank you for being so clear when you explain. Your tone and delivery are both very calming and practical.
Love this video Dr. Carter ☺!
This used to be me, caring so much because I was so insecure that I did everything based on what others might think, never being able to say no, feeling horrible when I saw someone else's suffering... It made me so stressed and sick and angry. I am much better off now knowing that caring is okay and healthy as long as I am healthy. Every human being has to fight their own battle.
Yes but we also must share our battles and to share how we learned to recieve and comprehend help so as to help those still suffering from "battling"
Such good, common sense, gut-level values! Of course! Why shouldn't it be okay that I insist on being treated with respect and civility? Thank you, Dr. Carter!
Thanks Dr. Carter
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is hard to constantly feel so many conflicts about, “ did I treat the other person right, am I right in doing , saying what I did.?” With no solid answers to stop my angst. Yes your words are helpful to my wounded soul.
I Greatly Appreciate you Dr.Les!
Your a Caring , Experienced, Qualified, Authentic Humane Being
I Truly appreciate the knowledge that you give freely and the wisdom Thank you for all that you share
Thank you Dr. Carter. I might care a lot but others do not seem to care enough. I do try to keep a balance.
Yes, which is a good reason to keep focused on your good boundaries. Dr. C
Internalizing can be torturous taking on the pain and suffering of others or silent responding intake to crossings, attacks of character and show of power of controlling narcissist. Triggers insecurity through power struggle. Getting insight is the driving force factor for an empath. So not taking it personal is key to insight awareness as well as insight trigger awareness. It’s empowering if it’s a healthy balance of discovery. Power drain stays in the pool of insecurity-self pity-re-victimization or staying stuck.
Everything in moderation.
Right on. Thank you Dr Carter❤
Im definitely an empath.. your videos help me understand myself and its taught me to have boundaries.. i have to be very careful of people mistaking my kindness for weakness
people are build to take advantage of who aare showing themselves weak, not strong
no one can take advantage of people who are always showing themselves strong/high, not weak
Medical scenarios can cause me to care too much, liken diabetes that is severe.. I helped with financial that was too much and minimized my own well being, as you are teaching.mI was sick with allergies making my judgement less. No should have been offered. I lost a great deal of money and I learned a very hard lesson.
Your videos have helped me understand the reason why I stayed with a narcissistic sociopath for 18 years. After watching at least 10 of your videos I feel stronger and validated. I’m an empath! Yikes!
I’m also a bit of a narcissist myself who didn’t want to lose.
I get it now. I don’t need to win. I need to feel good. Thank you so much!
I am an empath. I feel everyone's feelings unfortunately. I got attuned to Reiki 3 years ago. Now I do treatments on myself so I don't feel anyone's feelings at all. It's so wonderful. Other people can't have my energy either now. It means that I have to do treatments daily - but my goodness it's worth it. I am also telepathic.
I don't want to say anything he might say but I have!.
Mr Carter, you just said you don't have to agree with everyone! Thank you for reminding me.
I'm enmeshed and feel SOOOO guilty and plagued by thoughts of I'm responsible for how they feel. This is so what I needed today 🤗🐾
for stable/controlled mental being : don't ever make your self feel guilty/low, but always feel higher/proud in any situation !
I don't think it's about caring too much or too little, but about caring appropriately or caring wrong. You have to filter whether you care or not what someone else thinks based on the quality of their thinking, and this shows up in their willingness to offer you feedback without judgement and willingness to alter what they think as well. Those with narcissistic traits expect you to care unconditionally about what they think of you, in the sense of resting your evaluation of yourself entirely on them (i.e. giving them ultimate power over you). But you cannot afford to never listen to anyone either, or worse, to only listen to what you want to hear: be selective about it, based on the intent and quality of the person.
I sometimes advise junior scientists in my care that it's good to be told when you're *being* a dickhead by a friend, but put no weight on it when you're told you *are* a dickhead by someone who is not worthy of being your friend. Related: everyone can and will *be* a dickhead at least sometimes, because we're all human; the mark of someone who really *is* a dickhead is that they believe that they never are one.
Wow this was another great video!
YOU ARE NEEDED! TY I am an Empath ! Sometimes it is a curse and sometimes a blessing.
The best combination is an empath with good boundaries. Dr. C
Dear les carter . You are the best .
Thank you for educating me . I watch your videos in the morning, my time of clarity ., and it makes my narcissistic family .not able to hirt me anymore ,!
This was VERY helpful for me today. I have (and continue to) made decisions or just tried to say things I don't really agree with or even "go through" with things that I don't want to so I don't upset someone or worry that they'll think bad about me.
I'm an empath
I used to care too much what my bestfriend was feeling and experiencing. I felt like it was my responsibility to make her feel better or fix the situation. eventually it drained me. I started to ignore her messages. I guess unconsciously I though that if I push people away I will be able to take care of myself. we haven't talked in a month.
we have been bestfriends for 18 years.
Yes, I have the same situation but other way round.
fuc^ freinds ......
just learn not to care, about anything !
and be happy because too much caring people are always unhappy, not in peace ... !
I though that if I push people away I will be able to take care of myself.
at least you care for yourself ... most people don't care about their mental health ever !
I have applied the principles that Dr. C has taught me. I am amazed at the results I'm getting. He has turned my whole life around and I'm a whole lot happier these days. Thank you professor.
You must have been ready for the coaching! So pleased, so pleased. Dr. C
Dear Doctor Carter,
I feel that I owe you because you have enlightened me about things that I didn't know about.
I have been living in fear most of my life because I didn't know what I was up against. I had children with this person and the children became my number one priority.
I figured that I could cope with my insane wife as long as the kids would have a decent growing up. That proved to be false. I didn't realize that I was married to a psychopath. I thought everyone could rationalize and come to terms with a little understanding. I never knew that these type of people have an unrepairable brain defect no matter how much you love them or care for them.
I will always be in your debt. You the one person that I can relate to who has much insight. Thank you.
Yours truly,
Daniel Case
Dignity, Respect, Civility.
Love your neighbor as you love yourself:) ❤
Thank you so much Dr Les! Your video was very helpful. I guess I was caring too much about some disrespectful words I heard from a neighbor. I realize I did what I could (tried to talk peacefully) but if the other oerson doesn’t want to or can’t do it, I don’t have to insist or continue to worry about it. It’s better to let go.
Thank you!
I'm in my 50's now, and I remember having to figure out, that my self-worth Doesn't Depend with others opinions.
I know we All have bumps in the road in life, and maybe we might think we got it Totally,
All Together/Figured-out .
Like we can take on the World after finding Some positive inner strengths.
That's fine for anyone to feel that way, if that works for them.
My personal beliefs , a long time ago, is that,,,
"We keep learning, until we die".
For myself, this way of viewing my travels in my life ,works for me to realize that Nothing stays the same.
Soo, I try my best to Keep learning.
Good or bad.
♡♡♡
I'm with you, Janet. I hope to keep learning until the last day. Dr. C
I have to remind myself I am in this world temporarily and I can’t care too much because I get angry otherwise.
Thanks for this video Dr. C, just in a moment when i need it. I try to do my best for others but sometimes i feel saturated and i react badly. Then i feel guilty and fear of desapproval of others. I dont know if i'm nice or ugly.
Learning about narcissism has been healing, it helps me not to care as much knowing what they are
Great one Dr. C! Yet another video that should be shown in all ages of classrooms on a regular basis, (very regular!). Get it in young minds so the world ends up with better adjusted adults.
I'll second that excellent suggestion Melanie.
@@jo-annahicks3324 Woo hoo!
Ohhhh my...You hit the nail on the head..Thx sooo much..You are helping me see who I am not what others want me to be
Thank you Dr. Les!! I am so blessed to have found both of your channels. I have a lot of people in my life who try to make me feel bad for being me. If I have to much empathy, I'm weak. If I'm to stand off-ish and back away, I'm cold. To say I don't care how they feel, is selfish and untrue. When in fact it's just mentally better for me. Am I wrong for feeling this way???
Of course you care when you're misunderstood, just don't let it dominate or pull you entirely off your good path. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thank you!!