Narcissistic Family: Why Nobody Believes the Scapegoat
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ต.ค. 2024
- In this video, I talk about why nobody ever believes the scapegoat in the narcissistic family. Learning about this will help you remain your differentiated self and emotionally non-reactive, even if others never stop falsely blaming you.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
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Math is the language of the universal truth and the blueprint upon which all existence is built.
Mathematical truth can be used for good or bad and in between those two choices lies the principle of math.
The principle of math remains there at a neutral position of neither good nor bad until our actions reflect upon it.
We can use that truth to build something beautiful and lasting (Heaven) or something that is the opposite of that (Hell).
Your personal truth is the meaning of life and not the foundation of life.
Your existence can give meaning to life or take it away.
The foundation of life is built on math, not God.
The foundation of math is built on Truth.
God is built on the same principle of math just as we are. The principle of math provides the necessary foundation of life and God provides the necessary substance also known as building blocks to build upon it. Without math, a good foundation those building blocks have no lasting foundation or no foundation at all.
When something is built on a lie it's not meant to last, aka wages of sin is death.
That is why when something is built on a bad foundation it's not meant to last, eventually, it will collapse and in most cases hurt like hell, to teach a painful lesson of not building or rebuilding your life on a lie, aka bad foundation.
Individuals possess the necessary tools, capabilities, and resources within themselves to navigate life and its challenges without the need for external judgment.
Therefore, there's no need for the creator to impose judgment, as it would only burden itself and others unnecessarily.
With free will comes great power and responsibility.
What you do or don't do is based on your judgment and not on someone else judgment. That is why your actions are going to judge you and no one else should.
And how your actions are going to judge you?
Your actions will reflect on you and your image and you will have to live with that.
Do you know who you are?
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
What you see is called reflection.
That means that you are a reflection.
And what do you reflect?
You reflect your consciousness, feelings, desires, actions and much more.
And if you care about your appearance, reflection then you should care about your actions because those actions will reflect upon your true reflection. One day we will face the truth and we will have to live it. Please make sure that you can live with your actions because you will have to live with their reflection.
Many of us when faced with the truth like true image would rather live a lie instead. Why? Well, because their true reflection is so ugly as a result of their ugly actions they would rather live a lie, false image than live with the consequences of their actions.
Your image, reflection is like a home, a vessel for your mind, soul. What it means is that your reflection is built on the same principle as the house is. And we do not build houses on assumptions or beliefs we build them on mathematical truth.
What can happen if a house or any other structure is built on a lie, bad foundation?
Well, that house or that structure is not meant to last and it will collapse.
And what can happen to those who live in that structure?
For example, they can become homeless.
You can become a ghost if you don't have a reflection aka vessel, body (home) for your mind, soul.
Don't forget, that those who walk away from the truth are walking into hell.
How long does anyone need to be in hell or hell-like situations?
Well, that depends on each individual.
Eventually, they will get tired of pain, suffering, building or rebuilding their lives on a bad foundation and eventually, they will seek the truth instead of walking away from it.
How do you know if you have suffered enough?
Well, do you like to suffer? If you don't like suffering then you shouldn't contribute to suffering or feed on the suffering in any way or form. That is why I became vegan. If someone tells us that they do not like suffering and yet they choose to feed on the suffering of animals or others, shows that they do like suffering otherwise they would not do it and if they do like suffering so much then they should not complain about it, instead they should embrace it with open arms ✝.
If you would like to see the true reflection of life and those who are part of it before it’s unveiled, I suggest that you study the truth. The better your knowledge and understanding of truth is, the clearer your vision will become.
Thank you so much for sharing videos on this platform, I have learnt so much from your channel and I am am very grateful for every new video that is added to the list.
Many thanks from South Africa ♥️
INVISIBLE: WHEN FEAR AND SHAME CAUSE YOU TO HIDE. Paperback. If the scapegoat has a physical disability that developed because the mother exposed herself to something like german measels when pregnant, the mother is seen as the victim; the scapegoat is the family curse.
This is what they are doing to trump.
@@gregsutter1805Think you got that backwards.
I was desperate for validation from my extended family. I finally found peace by realizing that the only person that needs to validate me, is me. I believe me. Took me a long time to get to this place of mental health.
(((Hugs)))
It's tricky to stay in it at times at first but I have started seeing it in people way older than me now so I'm glad I learned it at all some people don't. My way of life I do almost everything myself a lot more than 99.9% of people so I try to hold onto that frame of mind that I know stuff that only a very small amount of people know and actually there are quite a few things I do that I might be the only one doing them to secure the life I'm aiming for.
i'm trying tto get there. Rationally I know that they're all very ''surface level'' in their interactions, it's all about cats, rugby, the weather, the garden. So weird that I care that I@m excluded.
From one scapegoat to another, I'm proud of you for validating yourself and your own experiences! ❤ *Hugs!
Beautifully said!
The terryfing thing is that people outside the family (teachers, doctors, policemen etc.) do not believe the scapegoat
My experience as well.
My soul felt that one. Manipulation is an infectious dark magic
That’s part of the learning curve for the scapegoat. Don’t defend or explain yourself. People who believe the slanderers, without considering whether it’s true or not, their opinions are based on ignorance and shallowness. People like that shouldn’t be important or significant in your life.
Infectious dark magic. Perfectly said.
@@shannonjarus6830Thank you trying to do my own form of therapy with creative writing. Kind of like how the "dark side" preys on fear and other negative emotions and then you know, infects you. I feel like love and compassion are really the true manifestations of whatever magic or force you want to subscribe to because how you love those around you affects the rest of their lives.
Being poor serfs in this modern era, what other magic do we hope to find?
The lack of ' evidence ' is often because it's done out of sight of others. This is my experience
That's the truth. They are counting on it.
And the opposition of their 2 personalities; the public one vs the private one.
What’s been said is hard to even conceive as possible, in their perspective, based on their experiences with them. We have to understand that too.
My MIL - so sweet around my husband , but behind the scenes critical, and dark . Took my husband 39 years to believe me- I’ve been no contact for 6 months now - feels good
Indeed! Out of sight out of mind, even when everyone knows that's not true!
@@Agameda1 exactly!!! DIL never acted badly towards me if husband was around
Move as far away as possible and start a new circle of family and new friends.
I want to so bad if only to experience a different location that seems to be calling me. Near DFW.
They follow. It’s crazy.
20 000km in my case!💃🏻
@@r3sfernjbb they can't survive without u.
They can't stand the thought of u enjoying ur life
@moscowcowboy_13 Easier said than done. If they are smart psychopaths they leave you without any resources.
"They didn't do that intending to hurt you."
They did it knowing full well it would hurt.
Exactly.
Trust me they know exactly what they are doing, and that wee see right through them.
Attached to that is ‘you’re too sensitive ‘or ‘I’m only joking’ 😂they won’t say it to anyone else though.
Amen. Hurt AND control AND silence you, all of which served to hurt you more . . .
They did though, because "if I had to suffer so do you"
No one believes the scapegoat because if you speak up, it looks crazy while the rest of the family is calm and acts like the scapegoat is being too dramatic so everyone else sides with them in thinking the scapegoat is being too dramatic therefore exasperating that feeling that no one has your back and you’re all alone :((
Plus the baiting others have seen them do to the scapegoat.
In my family, I'm the calm, peaceful one and they are all over-the-top drama queens with a constant need to talk about their problems. Therefore, I don't get to have any. They're irrelevant.
@@bevhills4877true, this is probably one of the sickest parts of it
My story exactly. Always called the “drama queen”. Took me a long time to put the involved parties in the rear view mirror.
Yes, it definitely gives rise to the idea that YOU are the one with the problem since you're not falling into line.
It took my whole life (several decades) to finally come to terms with the fact that I was the scapegoat in my family. I quietly removed myself from that position and I have no idea what they're doing with my absence. Here's the best part, I don't care. 😂
Me too. 53 now. After my father died two years ago I only saw my mother once. That is 1,5 year ago now. Never felt more peace. They don't even have my address and I live on the other side of the country and also changed my surname finally. I have the least amount of drama ever.
Same, I’m 69. Better late than never.
@@Pilot333 Changed your surname because of marriage or just did that so you're not associated with them?
😂❤
They are (in my experience of making the mistake of returning to the area where they all live) 1. maybe picking a new or interim scapegoat from among your siblings or cousins, 2. making a myth out of you and still blame you for things you aren't even around to do, and/or 3. disbanding as a family group. Could be a single one of those, a combo, or some of all three. 😂😢😮
You called it a scapegoat. Growing up, I called MYSELF, the black sheep.
Black sheep have more fun than scapegoats.
You were the only White sheep in a family of black sheep.
Me too
Me the ugly duckling that grew up like a Swan.... 😄There is great truth in this fairy tale by the way. Can highly recommend reading that story. Also read Clarissa Pinkola on the implications of this story from a Jungian perspective. It will give a deep context to the suffering that has been endured.
Me too😊
The role of a scapegoat creates so much anxiety; you never feel safe, you feel betrayed, trapped, as if there's no way out, and then there's the lack of self-worth. Thanks so much.
Truth I'm a victim too. Horrific
What's worse is when you try to validate yourself and everyone else tries to ruin it.
Stay away from "everyone else" it's sad but it's also their loss!
Right! The "I don't need you being happy around here," was first spoken by my mother to 13-year old me for singing in my room. I just became a verified music artist in May 2024, just to spite her and everyone else who has adopted that attitude toward me and who wait until I'm calm, happy, and sharing my success to try to sabotage it.
@@CelestiaQuixs I got a college degree after working FULL TIME and attending classes for 12 years. (Paid for it myself.) I told one aunt that I graduated and showed her my degree. All she said was, uh. Her three daughters were on drugs and later, all 3 died of aids.
@@Imissyoulou That sucks! And, I can so relate. When I called my mother and asked how many tickets I should get for family members to attend my graduation, she responded, "No one is going to want to go to your graduation."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because, Grandpa (the incestuous pedo) just died."
Talk about being made to feel lower than dirt!
@@CelestiaQuixs Sometimes, they can make you feel lower than whale's chit. Pick yourself up, dusk yourself off, and move ahead. They will NEVER change, it is not in them. Why? Because it is in their nature; their DNA.
No one believes the scapegoat because the narrative has already been established within the toxic family dynamic before the scapegoat speaks his/her first words.
This became very frustrating growing up. No matter how wrong my narc parents and sibling were to me, extended family always viewed me as wrong and had to "deal with it and that's the way it is."
@@dafloridaman Wow! That's deep and often very true. Although it can take many years to see things that way. Hmmm 🤔
My mother was exposed to german measels at a friend's house while pg with me. I was born with a deformed left eye and legally blind in the right eye. Physically unable to get away, I was the family scapegoat. Everyone felt so sorry for the mother who refused to tell me that my was not my fault or even hers. I owed my family a debt I could never repay.
@@ReganMason-x9y People suck, don't they?
@@ReganMason-x9y that is horrible. And plus you could be successful, but in my experience my narc always tries to pull the rug out from under me & flood my goals with doubts which can make it extremely difficult to escape.
Just keep your goals a secret & keep forging ahead as best as you can. 💗 May God Bless you every moment with the inner strength to do so! 💕✝️🦅
Yeah, not going to just deal with it. I moved away and they didn't know what to do when I wouldn't bother with them.
When I brought out the evidence, I was ostracized by people who I thought were my friends.
You've already been set up as a "liar" before you opened your mouth.
That is so common They don't want to disrupt their cosy lives and have to look at anything Most people are just cowards, would never stand up for what is right It is easier to go with the flow and for heaven's sake don't scratch the surface because who knows what you might find You might even have to reassess some of your beliefs
I've realised that they never wanted to communicate. What they wanted was that nothing change.
Yup. You're gonna live THEIR fantasy, or else!
My experience too.
And take you down with them, yep!
Same here
True !
I’m amazed how they can tell so many lies by twisting the truth.
If you’d like more insights and support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
It's actually sickening
My family has mastered this.
When my own siblings assumed I faked my profession, I was done with them.
Same here. I became a school teacher and then lawyer. They told everyone I made it all up, even my kids were told this! Hard to believe the extent they go to invalidate you
My stepdad told everyone I wasn't really in grad school, just running around on d rugs.🫠
I'm sorry you went through this. You're not alone and it's an awful experience.
My brother's (now ex) girlfriend's mom has a doctorate and is the dean of a college. my grandpa says every time "she's not a doctor." he dropped out in the fifth grade lol. And definitely a narcissist. He's convinced the college job is a lie. My brother has two children with this lady and he talks about her mom that way 😵💫 at first he said they weren't his grandkids because he's racist (they're mixed) and now he love bombs them the way they did when i was little. it's gross
My sister told everybody I was hiding a pregnancy when I got married. Nope. 😒
I was the blacksheep. I'm 59 and have no contact for 12 yrs now. I'm amazed at how many people go thru this. I am glad there is so much info out here about this, I don't feel so alone. Reading all the comments on these sites has given me knowledge, strength, and hope for the life that I deserved but never got. It's their loss.
As the Truthteller in my family, I am the Scapegoat. I have gone no contact with family members and I have so much more peace.
We put far too much expectation on our family members. We expect them to be reasonable, rational, loving, caring, loyal etc etc. being related by blood/genes does not automatically make these people any more capable of any of these qualities than the stranger on the street.
Be a good person. Love yourself and trust yourself. It’s a shame that family treat us as the scapegoat, disrespect and mistreat us. But that’s all it is - a shame. It’s not your destiny to be unloved. Find and create the kind of family that you wish you were born into.
Thank you
Beautifully articulated and the truth! Blood relations are not always what society / Hollywood tells us it is. Family can be super toxic.
I find that Easier Said then Done. I went No Contact with my family as well as all of my Narcissistic friends. I've been trying to find an honest, person of Moral Character for several years... I will no longer accept Bull Do anymore... The Honest, Caring Human beings are hard to find.
@@ComeOut.BeYeSeparate. this is truth!
@sacredwaters9
It can be lonely sometimes but, I am getting better at going out to my favorite places for dinner etc by myself. I don't mind being alone however I do miss having some form of companionship.
I do also believe that God is using this time for me to level me up... showing me so much, making me stronger in My Faith.
Family Secrets. The family holds you hostage inside the home. Then, the family keeps you from healthy boundaries for necessary social interactions with others.
If the scapegoat has a visual disability and cannot get away, the abuse occurs more often and becomes a ritual. The trauma is worse as there's not end to it.
Here's a good book INVISIBLE: WHEN FEAR AND SHAME CAUSE YOU TO HIDE
Perfectly stated.
In looking back on my life, I was doomed from the beginning to live a life of use, abuse, exclusion, and rejection.
I'm in my mid-60s, separated 2 years from a narcissistic abusive "marriage." We were together 25 years. That's the kind of relationship, I believe, for which I was groomed by my family of origin.
Yes, I was the scapegoat, and they ostracized me in 2015. My ex-narc destroyed my relationships with the son and daughter we had. I'm totally alone, in my old age.
Still, on a positive note, I escaped with my life, and I can now focus on me and my healing from a lifetime of trauma.
@@terriefreeman9552Very similar here.
The author is?
I don’t trust other people after such constant manipulation and feeling like the bad guy 😞
My grandmother saw me being scapegoated and stood up for me. It led to the family shunning me, grandma and an uncle. It’s taken years to understand, but I am eternally thankful for my wonderful grandma for her love of me, despite my mother’s best efforts to devalue and discard me. I love you Betty D! My best friend!
❤
My grandma did the same thing for me. I lost her years ago now and I so wish she was still here for me.
@@123gozaneme threee 😅
Mom constantly made up stories and switched up facts to seem right. Master Manipulator and Gaslighter.
If you’d like more insights and support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
My mom's lying is pathological. Like you said, making up entire fake scenarios, as long as it's somehow your fault at the end. It's so dehumanizing.
@@susanhewitt6359 ~My dad also does this too, but he mostly believes what mom says.
I'm just so tired of never being listened to and never "Trusted."
Do you EVER think I trusted them? nope.`
What kinds of evil parents make it so that your own child cannot trust you?
I'm feeling this right now. Little brother took his life seven years ago. Not one person is interested in why and not repeating that cycle. I'm in grad school studying to become a therapist after my own ongoing therapy.
I’m so sorry…..❤
Thank you! If you’d like more support, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The scapegoating in my family escalated when my father took a turn for the worse. As the scapegoat for the first time I understood why someone would take their own life. The level of cruelty towards the designated scapegoat is epic.
Pain and suffering either makes you worse or better. Grateful for the road you have taken, friend.
Myself and my kids business was everybody's business, but everybody else's business was nobody's business!
Same😊
Wow! So my story! Right now I tell one person what’s going on in my life and everybody knows! Meanwhile I never know anything about the others business except maybe they bought a house or got another degree!
@@Camera1931-p5v Exactly, the same here about anything ! They give you that LOOK. But I give the look too and ask questions because I am the scapegoat and caretaker (oldest of an Alc family and I KNOW who is lying , but others don’t and so I’ve learned to just shut up! I have no idea what or who to believe, anymore whether it was my Husband (his whole family) , my Mom, my sisters, my adult kids & the final draw was when my son passed away(38), He was the only one who gave me some help after and I gave him Nicks truck, motorcycle, etc etc & came out and asked him to please not lie to me about anything because I couldn’t take it anymore. He hugged me , called me Momma Gail and promised! I felt better and safer to have someone to count on since my family wasn’t talking to me (still not and I have no idea why) until after
About a year when too many things came up I couldn’t ignore , and involving money! I had to tell him & bite the bullet and now have no one! It’s very hard, but I can’t go back !
Yeppers
Well stated . I'll have to use that analogy.
As the former scapegoat (quit the role), I can gladly say the best day of my life was when the Lord told me I am a dearly loved, redeemed child of the Most High God!!! To everyone on this platform, my prayers are with you all. Apologies for the run-on sentence☺️
I finally said boldly "God & Jesus don't write people off, people do!" I stated clearly from that point on that Jesus always lifts up, he always forgives, and I won't agree with that condemnation of yours any longer! It was a pivotal time for me, and I realized that's what he meant when he said "leave ur family behind & follow me" he meant leave the dysfunction, entrapment & labels. Thank u for posting ur thoughts, it's always good to remember the truth! ❤
@@1RUTHGroup I still remember the day God whispered to me, “I want you to see yourself the way that I see you, and I want you to love yourself the way that I love you!”.
Yes! This was very hard for me to accept but now I do accept the love of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Powerful!
@@dnk4559 That's so precious to hear! I remember in 1997 after Princess Diana was killed tragically, I was laying in bed & thinking about how special she was & it was like the Holy Spirit asked me "what's Jesus Titles?" And I thought in my heart of scripture & said "Prince of Peace, King of Kings & Lord of Lords." Then the next softly loving thought came "if Jesus is a Prince of Peace & King of Kings, what does that make u having been adopted into the family of God?!" [U find this adoption info in the book of Romans.] I layed there weeping saying "Princess Sandy" and the Holy Spirit corrected me and said softly to my heart ... "Her Royal Highness, Princess Sandy!" I've never seen myself the same since that point, Jesus takes us just like we are, flaws and all and gives us his glorious eternal riches within our souls! It's so sad that people don't choose to open their hearts to him! Sending u the love of our sweet Savior, the darling of heaven!!❤️👑❤️👑❤️👑❤️
"Well, we never saw that. He's always treated us very nicely. "
I understood I was the scapegoat of my family but it took me so much work to acknowledge I was. It still makes me so sad I have no idea how I went through that as a child my parents and siblings all isolated and smeared me and I thought it was my fault. I get pressure from the family, their friends and all sorts of people who continue to blame me for not accepting to be criticized, hurt and speaking up because I'm now avoiding them. I get the you should respect your parents and obey and I'm in my forties. How can people be so mean and selfish, seriously I have to respect people who didn't protect me as a kid and who blamed me for all they did ? They never did anything wrong publicly and this makes me sound as a liar. I thought people were getting better with age, how ridiculous was I. Now all I can say about past events is disregarded and they play the old victims. They all gather and continue their lives whereas I'm spending all my efforts on recovering from what they did. Thank you for your videos they help a lot and made me understand what I was experiencing.
I am with you- almost died in a car accident in 2019 so now it’s that I’m bi-polar instead of C-PTSD from years of them and documented trauma by professionals- nope not good enough! My gut helped me leave from a wheelchair. Sure it still stings but nothing will change and you HAVE! Chose you! I am so proud of myself and won’t look back- I don’t belong there and they didn’t fight to keep me anyway- except in their terms! Yeah no thanks!
@@Leslie-xo9gy I'm so sorry and I hope you're feeling well. I also have had family impose their insane terms and as you said no thanks. Nobody fought for me in my family also and they all gather to criticize me it's keeping them together :)
Sadly, this is my story, too.
Same here!
My victim is my HEALTHY 86 yo dearly evil MoMster!
Princess Diana was the ultimate example. 👑 Even in the highest & most public places. 😢 They will go to extreme lengths to eliminate the scapegoat & possibility of the family being outed. 😮
Or Julian Assange
Prince Charles and Camilla make me sick with what they were part of...
Harry has been trying, and they blame Meaghan Markle
@@christinelee4780 She's the target of racist scapegoating and not just within the royal family!
@@timothyturner3272lol kool aid feel good lies you drinking 😂
I was diagnosed with masses in my head in 2019. Followed by three brain surgeries and I told my family when the dates were. So instead of coming and seeing me in the hospital they wanted proof for me to print out my records for them to believe my health issues were real.
As I continue to look through the lens without being codependent and makes so much more sense the difficulties I had for so long. Being around those people definitely made things worse.
Please don't tell family, especially narc's anything whatsoever.
I’ve been hospitalized several times, and none of my siblings came to see me. By this time I had begun to realize and accept the dynamics of our family structure; and didn’t expect them to visit me.
I am so very sorry and sadly not surprised. I pray you are doing better these days!
My own daughter did this to me asking me to prove im autistic and thst I did suffer child abuse by sending her the paperwork like she wasn't there to see it first hand she too turned against me and called me s liar and I have bern no contact ever since it broke mu heart so much knowing I can never see my grand children but my inner peace is worth do much more your not alone and I really hope and pray your recover in your own time 😊
@@sharnag6968sending love and compassion
Because it means their judgement and train of thought was way off
People don't like to believe that they were wrong
THIS, thank you!
As a former scapegoat for 45 years and counting. The best thing I have EVER done for my mental health is as follows: 1. Cut off the gaslighters go no contact but expect months of grieving and allow yourself to cry a lot. 2. Reframe in your mind the people who scape goat you. Do research on the narcissist mindset to truly understand their weaknesses and insecurities and accept them for exactly who they are on this earth. This helps to move on especially if you are resentful. Karma will hit them because of their toxic behavior. 3. Wake up and be proud of yourself for walking your path of truth, setting healthy boundaries and choosing your happiness over their BS. 4. Celebrate your rebirth and dont ever look back. Leave those people behind you and remember they cannot and will never hurt you again.
One of the relatives that smeared me for many years ended up fainting and falling backward down an entire flight of stairs and breaking his back.
Wonderful advice, thank you!
Yes…thank-you!💯😊
This. This is frigging bang on.
@@rockstarofredondo I don’t want to laugh, but yet I do but yet I know I shouldn’t but yet I do
My experience is that it does not matter if no one believes you -what matters most is that *you believe you* "Believe" means: trust in (trust yourself -your feelings, your thoughts, your intuitions) adhere to (stick to your (true) story!) and rely upon yourself. Do not deny yourself good support -but do not (and I mean *never*) turn to your abusers for a confession, an apology or even an explanation. They have a vested interest in maintaining the Status Quo. Tysm, Jerry
Very well said!
Amen to that!!
"Do not deny yourself good support." THAT IS THE KEY. Don't believe that love, support, guidance and understanding can only come from your blood relatives. I had an extended family and NONE of them were blood related. I've heard an advance degree, real estate license and my oldest granddaughter is studying for the bar. I am a homeowner and retired. Blood don't make a family, LOVE DOES.
And this is why I declare myself to be "unrepentant".
Because they never confessed to me their wrongdoings. And if they did, it was to hit on me again.
As a family scapegoat who went no contact 3 years ago. And have been doing constant work on myself. I appreciate your videos on scapegoating
Hi Josh! Love your content on Tiktok on narc abuse! 🙂
@@Joshdifferent I love that your your name includes “different”. My narcissistic father with a look of contempt called me “different” than his other two who he declared as being more like him. Now I feel honored to be “different” than them.
After 45 years living away from my family, one by one each member lied and covered up the white elephant in the room. Of course I was the target of the "family cell" and their frustrations and anger. I've only had full no contact for a short time and my health is improving day by day. For a moment I thought I would make contact with a niece and then remembered an old saying. When you are chased out of a cave by a bear, don't go back in for your hat! Kind regards to those who are having a really time.
Just FYI, a white elephant is an oddity; a strange thing. Nothing to do with "the elephant in the living room". Two different expressions.
Been the scapegoat in childhood through adulthood. When my narcissistic father passed away, oh the praising of him. I wanted to exploded and tell the truth but I know nobody would believe me so I kept quiet. Once I was done seeing people who praised him, I would go home and cry. It's just so draining to keep the truth to myself.
I don't plan to attend any funerals or see any member of my family ever again, for this reason!
I went to my father’s veteran’s commencement to honor his service to our country. I did not attend his BBB party afterward. BBB is Blues Booze and Barbecue.
The praise is empty. So much of humanity is people without a real ego, morals, or convictions, pretending to have all three, and mirroring real emotions.
@@Ariadne76-k3dsame. I’m done. I hope my dad and brother have people around to give them memorials and proper burials because it ain’t gonna be me!
@@saltpeter7429 You need a lawyer indeed. Don't give up. Maybe they don't respond because of the summer. Just keep calling them and expand your horizon. Call a lawyer from the next city... don't hide with this issue, get advise. In the meanwhile collect evidence as much as you can. Pretend your nose is bleeding and in the meanwhile plan for a strong comeback with a lawyer next to you. Start reading online about your lawful position. Acquaint yourself with legal terms that are applicable. Take a juridical stand and stay strong.
I am a truth teller, empath and I am the scapegoat. My family of origin al call me a liar, I'm crazy and instead of them making mom go to counseling, they tried to make me go. 😅 no contact.
When it comes to SA and my parents, yes only my close friends were the ones that believed me, my siblings did not...
My folks had the cops / courts try to hold me lol...knocked on my door and took me to the psych ward in the cop car!! They let me go within an hour after calling my parents and telling them I'm an adult, mentally healthy, and to just fk off before they call the cops with me. It was the last time I heard from them.
@@stoneneils Thank God the cops and shrinks were supportive, which is not always the case.
@@stoneneils My parents and and 2 of 3 sisters bullied me with this: That they will call the psych ward to come and fetch me. Or telling me I need to see a psychiatrist. Finally I see them for who they are: loveless, soulless creatures. I haven't seen them for 2 years now.
They are the ones who need the therapy.
😂 yep! There it is!!
It also makes the scapegoat brilliant having to put up with all this crap.
Everything is the opposite throughout society and somehow the intelligent end up being the scapegoats.
We got some kind of mark guys, like in the Bible. They know there’s something different about us and it scares them if they don’t immediately get the upper hand over you LOL
……💯🇺🇸🗽
💯
They HATE highly intelligent people.... We're a threat to them.
Strong 💪
Yep Targeted Individuals
Facts 😂
i think down deep they do believe the scapegoat, but are petrified to say even a word
Why would people side with the scapegoat they have seen what happens to people who don't conform to the narcissist's demands. Better to be the escapegoat who got out than the flying monkeys who live in fear wondering if today is the day they have outlived their usefulness to the narcissist
yeah. exactly. they are too cowardly to stand up for what's right and stand up to a the group of bullies.
They are actually terrified of the scapegoat. When you bust out of the narrative they turn into sniveling victims. I lived that. They are predictable when you know the games they are playing. And they don't usually get better at them. They just keep using the same tactics and they don't work after awhile.
@@ChristineSpringerElaine yes, very much so
Cowards
They stalk you too. They will call you narcissist and self centered when you want to take control of your life
It sure is 🦇-💩 insane when some of them repeatedly say how "awful" you are.......Yet when you walk away then they can't leave you alone🤔🤨.Only a complete wack-job does 💩 like that🤪🤪🤪!
I'm a stalker that doesn't have narcissism. I was a scapegoat in the scenario. Kinda ironic comment
@@mat-ym8gi you are a stalker why mat? What you feel when stalking people ?
@loveinchrist6115 he lied and I have suggestibility issues. In fact most women stalkers are vulnerable adults being exploited. We are just not allowed to talk about it
@@mat-ym8gi are you a female stalkar why you do it? Dont stalk people it is not right God sees it
I just moved far away, cut close ties, ended trauma bonds. I realized being the yo yo on the string was a manipulative tactic to keep me needing their approval. Now, I'm indifferent to their assessment of me as a person. I do not need them to verify my worth. Being the empath truthteller in a toxic narcissistic dynamic was brutal. The blaming, shaming, and character assasination intense. Once I realized they needed their fairytale version of reality in that toxic home, I understood they would only continue to reject and accuse, because facing the truth about Mom was too risky. So I've walked alone, and lived my life in truth. Putting the puzzle pieces together took some time because of all of the gaslighting and projection, but we'll worth the effort. I am free from their control and free to be my very own self, not defined by the role I was assigned to play in the family fantasy. Hooray for light to see by, and knowing my acceptance is assured by God as His child. "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
Beautifully said!
Whew your comment is saving me right now. Thank you!
@@hapennysparrow awesome!✨
This right here ❤❤
Thank you!!!!!
At 51, I'm finally getting the understanding, healing, and tools I've so badly needed all my life.
Finally, confirmation that it wasn't me, it was them. It's incredibly sad, but also empowering, to be able to see things as they really are and to learn how to handle myself.
They choose not to believe the truth!!!
It can be challenging when others choose not to see the truth. If you’d like more insights, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Confessions of an empath & scapegoat. Hi. 57 yo female, eldest of 2 children. Covert narc mother, grandiose narc father. I was my mother's scapegoat for as far back as I can remember. I've been no contact with her for over 25 years. I grew up with her yelling ALL THE TIME. I mean every day about everything. You never knew what would set her off--now understand she was emotionally dysregulated. She could pull me out of bed to yell. She'd allow my hyperactive little brother to taunt and tease me but slap me if I got angry at him. More than once she broke wooden spoons over my head. Always rough. Always with resentment--baths, brushing (or rather pulling) my hair. She was an awful cook but would be furious if I said i didn't like something. I couldn't empty my bowels without her accusing me of 'doing it in on purpose' because it mostly happened after the evening meal when she was getting ready to do the dishes. And she lied all the time. About me. She'd tell my dad about something that happened and 'edit' what she said vs what I said. If I called her on it, and my dad doubted her, she would be sooo pissed. I was manipulating him, she'd yell. She was unhappy in her marriage and blamed me (she was pregnant with me when she married). She married him 'because of me'. I look like my father and she used to tell me all the time then turn around and say she didn't like him. Any friend I made was 'just using me'. Any boy who liked me just 'wanted to get into my pants' (although I was a virgin). She'd call me a tramp before I went out. I spent very little time at home, and I grew up calling my mom 'crazy'. Everyone in the neighborhood called her crazy because they all heard the woman screaming all the time. I grew up KNOWING there was something seriously wrong with her. My parents divorced when I was 14. I moved out when I was 18--she'd call me at my place to yell at me about something until it dawned on me. "Hey, I signed a lease. I pay my own rent." So I'd tell her if she couldn't talk to me like a normal person, I didn't want to hear from her and hanged up. I didn't see her much after I moved out and I didn't call much. She would always whine about us not being close, wondering why we couldn't do things as mother and daughter. Why her friend at work was close to her daughter but she didn't have that with me. When I brought up something about the past she'd say "I never did that." OR "I never said that." I used to get so triggered by that. She told lies to my relatives about me. Told my aunt my boyfriend beat me (the guy was as decent as they come and never laid a hand on me) and I avoided the family so they wouldn't see the bruises. Later, when asked how I was, she'd say fine and claim we spoke all the time. And when I found out about those lies, I called EVERY SINGLE MEMBER of her family and told them we do not speak and I am never in touch with her. I gave them my phone number and left it up to them to contact me. Surprise, surprise, no one did. My brother and I weren't close--we reconnected 3 years ago. What I never realized is that by removing myself from the family dynamic, she needed another scapegoat. My brother. Later his wife and then his children. My brother was barely in touch with her when we began to speak again, and when he was younger, when I tried to talk about our relationship and our mom, he didn't want to hear it. I was 'causing trouble', so I let him be. I think he really understood when our mom turned on his daughter. That was his wake up call. At least it's what he tells me. Wow. Did not expect such a long text LOL I'm an empath, was a scapegoat, and paid a high price for it. But I got out and learning about narcissists and their behaviors helped me understand my parents (focused on mom now or my text would be much longer lol). I am still a truth teller and I always will be. I don't put up with toxic people and I spot them easily. I learned not to care about what others think or say. I don't care if my mom still spreads lies (because, she does. Now she tells people she has one child. I don't exist, yay me). Whatever works for her twisted mind, I guess. She does reach out now and then. I let her talk, treat her cordially but she is not entitled to any part of my life. She asks if I'll hate her forever. Which is the funny part. I don't 'hate' her. I just don't 'care' about her and have no need to have her in my life. And I tell her that. I don't need her. She saw to that.
Apart from the fact that I am an only child from a covert narc mother and Jekyll and Hyde drunkard father .. your post sounds very familiar to me and similar to my relationship with my mother.
I have gone no contact with her and I couldn’t be at more peace with that. I am protecting my peace and also protecting my young daughter from her grandmother’s toxic narc behaviours.
It’s ridiculous how they expect us to be loving, doting daughters when they are horrendous mothers and they expect our relationship to mirror that of their friends. They fail to recognise that their friends have earned good relationships with their daughters bc of how they love and treat them.
Typical narcs - always wanting something for nothing and can’t stand it when they are called out on their nonsense.
I am mid-40s. I see and hear you. I relate so much to a lot of your comment here.
@@OptimisticMaya Going no contact, is the only way if you want to be happy and advance in life.
Very similar to my childhood. My Mom is “crazy” I use to be scared to bring my friends over because of the wrath of my mother constantly screaming accusing me of things blaming me for everything. It was always my fault and she somehow had to way to make my friends as a teenager be her friend and then she would turn them against me. I literally grew up with no support system other than my grandmother, and when my grandmother moved out of the state of Missouri in the early 90s that was it. I still do this day 39 years old, raising my nine year old son by myself because his narcissistic father, I was married to abandoned him and I while he was in the womb has nothing to do with my child but still this day I don’t have one single friend I have no family, it is very lonely and very hard.
@nancysavard4332 Thank you for sharing your story. You sound like a tough one; adversity transforms us to be better human beings than our enemies. Keep being you and show 'em what you're made of!! 💪🔥
❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
🙌❤🥹
👉We are about to see Russia attacking Germany, Alaska experiencing two devastating earthquakes (magnitude 7.6 and 7.3) and the fall of Freemason Temple in Philadelphia.🙌
👉Only God knows the future. Jesus has now revealed all those details to his prophets right now!
👉CHILDREN will disappear around the world, then His true believers!
Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death) for all sins.
He will literally pull us out of this world so that we don't have to stay for the Judgment ( the Apocalypse).
You can still call out to Him to save you after kids are gone, He will rescue you too❤
Make sure to make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you❤🥹
What saves us is trust in what He did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it!
🙌❤🥹
I was the scapegoat for my mother. When my mother died, my sister took over her role. Fortunately, by this time, I had my own life and had done my own work, so it only worked in her head. Your advice is spot on. 👍🏻😃
My sister was the original scapegoat. She died and now her " faults " are being projected onto me. The real source of family dysfunction, my parent,has been shockingly revealed. I just didn't realize how bad it always was. The denial of my other parents dementia was surreal.
I have a theory that there is a connection between being unwilling to see reality and dementia, based on which people I have seen get it. It's like the brain obliges them and completely disconnects. Or it could be that these same people ignore the reality that they need to take care of thenselves.
Or I could just be wrong, of course!
@@Ariadne76-k3d That is kind of what it looks like. Mayo Clinic is ready to call Alzheimer's a Type 3 Diabetes. I have seen the other parent start to get spacey after a day of 95% carbs( a lot of it being sugar). The food we eat is probably contributing to poor mental health Also, anyone who is sick becomes more narcissistic. Since Narcissism and Alzheimer's both have a psychosis aspect, it is hard to determine. My family was not able to thrive and barely coped.. Though they faked it pretty well. I agree that the inability to deal with reality may contribute.
Same my sister was the scapegoat of uncomfortable feelings. She took her life because of it. Now I'm the scapegoat
Oh boy can I relate. My brother died in 2011 from narc abuse and suddenly i was left alone with my parents for the first time in my life. Wow...it was frightening..it actually reminded me of the AI video you can find on youtube called Pookey Park!!! That's how creepy it was. I saw them maybe 2-3 times post-mortem then cut them out of my life in literal fear.
@@Ariadne76-k3d I've come to the same conclusion in what I've observed. I can't say it's the case for everyone with dementia, however, there's definitely merit with those I do know.
As the youngest of three brothers, I was the Lost Child in my family system. My middle brother was the Scapegoat and often took his anger out on me. My oldest brother, the Golden Child, encouraged my middle brother to hurt me. So I tended to empathize with my brother the scapegoat. The family system was so strong that parts of it continue to this day. And it destroyed family systems in my generation. I am still working on constructing the pieces of` the puzzle so I can find a way to connect with my remaining siblings and adult children. It doesn't help that I wore the Lost Child emblem for all or most of my 77 years. I wish there was a way I could help others to escape this hell.
Sorry for all the hurt you went through 😢. Hopefully you will soon be able to reconnect with your siblings and adult children.
You just did. You shared your story. Thank you.
@@brendaplunkett8659My same exact thoughts exactly🌞👍🏻👍🏻!
I’m creating something for us. I’m a lost child/scapegoat
Anybody here heard of the “Cassandra Complex?”
I know we shouldn’t care if people believe us but let’s not pretend it gets any easier with time and practice. Not being believed is a curse.
Yes I'm experiencing that right now. I know my brother is a danger to my family but there's nothing I can do about it. Confiding in others only made it worse. I can just distance myself and watch the drama unfold. It's so horrible.
@@llhannah9297 I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My brother is also the problem in my family. If I can offer any advice from my experience, distance yourself and don’t watch from a far. The family you build will not only believe you, they will value your honesty.
If there are still people in your life who don't have an accurate perception of you, the question is why are they still in your life?
@@TheTakedown2024this is how I feel. If people dislike me that much that they are willing to dump all of their problems on me, why would they even want me around? They must not so I won’t be. It’s that simple.
When I walked away from being the scapegoat, they went after my children. My children turned against me. All the years I raised my children, they couldn't be bothered to be involved. My mind can't wrap itself around this behavior of my children. Help! I'm so angry and yelling at the walls.
this too. the worst thing my family managed to do was turn my own child against me. this is why these ppl should never be given any second chance. i was in my 30's after years of no contact and they wanted to meet their only grandchild. the biggest mistake i made was not saying heckkk no. i let her visit them one time and they kidnapped her and took custody by force. she was only 8. i was in my 30's and thought i was safe. even as an adult, if your abusers are evil enough and wealthy enough and manipulative enough, noone is ever safe from them. i regret everyday ever giving them that second chance, thinking that in my 30's they couldnt do anything to hurt me. it gave them leverage to utterly destroy a lot of peoples lives for nothing but their own ego. biggest mistake i ever made in my entire life, giving them even one second chance.
@@possumofantikka8160 I'm so sorry for your suffering. The deception of these animals and their desire to steal, kill and destroy is demonic. I pray everyday for protection and revelation of the truth for my children. Healing for myself and courage to fight this evil.
@@possumofantikka8160my child was 10 when my mother did this to me.
Don't be afraid to go no-contact to protect your own mental health, especially if you have exhausted all of your resources.
No contact saved me. Every aspect of my life improved. The last 8 years of my life have been the best.
My name was smeared in my hometown, also my entire extended family. Aunts and uncles , nieces all whom I loved, brothers and their families, all were poisoned.Over mqny years
Same
If you’d like more insights and support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Yes me too...I relate. Moved away and told no family where I was 28yrs ago.
After years of all of this, I find myself feeling like I am lying when I know I am telling the truth
True. Me too. Somethings I don't tell people because I KNOW they would not believe me. Why? Because it is HARD TO BELIEVE.
💯🎯
Reject their hat!
*Differentiate
*Believe in you
*Don't try to prove to them
I had a funeral to go to Friday, it was a lot easier to drop pretenses once you allow the feeling of anger over rejection. I held my head high and made myself unavailable to insult.
Thank you for the book recommendations.
Thank you ❤
At this late stage in our lives, I have no desire to have my siblings face the truth and stop keeping secrets, acknowledge the abuses, and seek help. We’re all over 55 yrs old (oldest in our 70s). There’s already been so much suffering and life is short.
I’m at the point now where I honestly would rather not be around the siblings anymore. One wants to carry on the blatant abuse of our narcissistic father and the other wants to carry on his covert abuse.
Their wellness isn't your responsibility. If you're still codependent and allow others to dictate whether or not you deal in reality, that is your responsibility.
This is also true on a collective and societal level, and exactly why authoritarian regimes are as successful as they are- some people by into the hate and scapegoating just because it's emotionally comforting or flattering to them- a majority of people aren't that wicked and rotten, and yet, at the end of the day they will "go along to get along" when they know better and then they will turn around after something horrible happens and say "It wasn't me! I didn't know! I couldn't have known! I was just along for the ride I was just following orders...."
So true. Learning these dynamics has helped me see through the world lies.
Thanks Jerry this is what I've experienced most of all my life my father tells me I'm nothing but a mess up, that I am just imagining things, crazy or too sensitive or that I am making accusations.
My old man's favorite line is "That's just your opinion." My mother's is "GET OVER IT!"
They're projecting their own beliefs about themselves, onto you. It's common for people with no ability for self-reflection e.g. the loser parent calls the child a loser, narcissist or whatever.
Do you believe yourself?
@@spacegirl226 Both of those are well known narcissistic phrases.
Yes! Focus on defining self! Not them defining you!
Absolutely! Defining yourself is key. If you’d like more insights, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Absolutely! Defining yourself is crucial. If you’d like more insights on this journey, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Thank you! I’ve been the scapegoat as long as I can remember. Trying to defend oneself or telling other the truth makes no difference to them, they will only manipulate the situation or out right lie about you- whatever fits their narrative. They will set you up, play mind games, gaslighting all while laughing at you. The best thing to do is stay away from them.
I set myself free, but then I had to work hard on my own issues because as long as I was maintaining their narrative of me, I never dealt with the truth of myself. It took long enough just to mentally unwind from them.
That is exactly how it was for me. I'm 66 years old and they are all gone now, but I'm glad to know the "why's" at last.
Jerry, I wish I knew you 20 years ago. Things would have been so much easier!!!!
You are absolutely right! Scapegoat right here! But as I look back and reflect on my past 45 years I can’t count how many people, friends of the family, extended family, TEACHERS were on my side, picked me up, directed me, challenged me, believed in me and genuinely cared! My mother the narc hated anyone in my life that cared for me. I couldn’t understand why a self proclaiming “saved Christian@ women could have so much hate in her heart until I figured out what she was.
This is absolutely true. After a while i just stopped trying to defend myself because nobody believed me anyway. Only my spouse started seeing and hearing false stories and then she understood what i was saying.
If you’d like more insights and support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
I wish this sort of information was available when I was in high school. It's tough to leave behind what and who you know in search of what and who are unknown, but it's far worse being constantly marginalized, envied, gaslighted, dismissed when every cell of your being knows better.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked away 30 years earlier.
You can serve them 'proof' on a silver platter and they will look you in the eye and lie!
Dear Sir tremendously I Am Grateful for the Wisdom you share so freely 💝 The sense of semblance and solace you have brought me over the course of the last 7 years Truly has been a gift and Blessing. Thank You Sir
Jerry Wise 🤟🏼 I Love You
You're most welcome
@@moonshineonme75013 Jerry, I had to figure a lot of things out over the last 60 years, however, I appreciate everything you are doing. (I went no contact about that time.) I wish you would have been around YEARS AND YEARS AGO. It could have helped so many youth during that era. Many of them were not bad children, but children from bad home enviroments. I know because I was one of them. I have a BA in Psychology, MA in Education and 45 hrs. of post graduate work. Most of your topics, I have experienced growing up. I could go on but it brings back memories, BAD MEMORIES. Since reading your posts, I understand that individuals go through abuse on different levels, but abuse is still abuse and it all hurtful/painful.
Bro god damn, I’ve been struggling with this shit forever. I always knew I was right and am the youngest. The next closest person to me in my immediate family is 15 years apart. I found the concept of dysfunctional family dynamics off of a Reddit comment. The validation and recognition just fucking took a good chunk of stress off of me. I’m so happy I found this. Truly. Here’s to all the other scapegoats out there. We’re right they’re wrong. We will get better, do not get stuck where they are. Stonewall if you have to. Don’t play their game. At all. We winning fam fuck that. I’m 25 and getting my masters in marriage and family therapy, ironically. But there’s always that second chance and getting to do it right with your own family with you in charge. After working on some trauma of course. The fact that you guys are on here just like me shows we have the drive and want to be different and do better. Yes your last name is a part of you but your first name is there there to remind you of the individual that you are. We are a part of a family, but we are not our family members. Also remember you’re the scape goat of the family. That’s mean you the G.O.A.T. family member who’s gonna break this shit.
My dad's wife killed my character since i was a little... Until now (i'm 32) she' always jealous of me and for some reason she seems like want to separate me and my dad.. now that she made it, she still doing that, meanwhile my dad has become more and more become like her and see me in a disgust way. But, i still feel like he's my dad i still care for him, i still remember who he was... But each day, the pain is getting deeper, idk what to do.
I'm so sorry about that, I've been through the same situation, my dad's wife has been the meanest since my childhood and isolated me from my family. I feel very sad because I love my dad but he keeps listening to her and there's not much I can do
Contact Jerry for therapy consultation….very unhealthy for you and your future
I'm sorry. My mother stole the relation i had with my dad. We were best friends, it was absolutely unique, so profound and fun at the same time. But when he retired, he loose foot with the reality of everyday at work and he became the most horrible person, he's a liar, a traitor, a manipulator.
My mother hated me and the relationship i had with my father from day one.
And she won, now my dad is a crap zombie full of her malignant shit. She won, i lost my dad for ever.
@@ia9259 thank u sharing the same story 😞. As a daughter I am really admire him so much, he's old now almost 80 and now sick.. whenever I tried to check on him, ask for his conditions, his wife wouldnt let it. And then she'll build narrative to my other family from my mother's side that I as a daughter doesn't care about her father at all. That kind of thing, she did when I was 14y/o too.. same pattern.
@@ErinIsBlueBlue sorry to hear that... That sounds like jealousy? I feel like people like them (idk how to well describe) always runs by some type of unnecessary jealousy???
Yes - I was/am the scapegoat of my family. So painful being ostracized - struggle with group dynamics as an adult - but it's getting better because I'm learning how to self-differentiate! Vigilant about countering that negative family of origin tape that tells me I don't belong nor should I only because I'm me. I love that - I'm getting the scapegoat out of me. Thank you Jerry
Good for you, Linda.
The Narcissistic parent tells the family unit..."What happens in the family, stays in the family". The "Golden child-children" keeps the story what the Narcissistic parent tells them, NO wavering. The "invisible" child more often than not are the "problem" in the family, but "projects" on the "Scapegoat" to avoid the backlash. The "Scapegoat" is usually picked by the age of 2-3 years, that was my experience anyway. My siblings would lap around like a "litter" of puppies for my Narcissistic Dad, trying to get his praise and approval. I was always left out and ignored...
I’m the scapegoat and invisible child….kind of like Cinderella. Make peace with it and change your language when you interact with them. If they complain, then there’s an easy way to walk. Bonus would be if that interaction were in writing.
To be ignored and left out by a narc is a favor of sorts, if you can just lay low, keep your nose clean, and get out on the sly as soon as you can then you're home free.
@@helenhighwater5313
For yourself, YES !!! When there are children and grandchildren...NO !!!
What is happening, the "family unit" is being destroyed and anything goes. There is NO stability, nurturing, compassion, empathy, protection, etc...
But one must remove themselves from the "toxicity" because if you stay, mentally one will breakdown...
You hit the nail on the head. I have such an experience being the designated scapegoat. I had to go no contact 25 years ago. I was just listening to the German psychiatrist here on YT & he described AMBIENT abuse also which is the most harmful abuse of all. That defined my family of origin perfectly. My parents are very COVERT. They wouldn’t say a word but I knew exactly to walk on eggshells nonstop. I became an expert at being vigilant if my parents had gone out of the house to look at houses or whatever. I would hear the car driving into the driveway and I instantly had a knot in my stomach anticipating observing their demeanor and facial expressions to see what they were going to say negative to me when they walked in the door. It was horrible. I strived to be the best daughter in every way. Never drank , smoked , no sneaking out at night nothing. I never had sex until I was out of the home on my own at 21 years old. I also was parentified and resented every minute of it. Only child for 7 years then our dad came home from being in the service and so my mother was pregnant every 15, months with SIX MORE KIDS. So at 7 I was automatically shoved with the new infant, bottle feeding it, diaper changing, washing it, rocking it to sleep & putting her to bed. I resented so much that it ruined ever becoming a mother forever. If someone would ask me if I was going to have children I would say “Are u kidding me❓❓ BEEN THERE DID THAT. No way . There is do much more it’s not even funny. My parents have since passed in the last 6 years. @Jerry Wise
Wow, you literally made it through the trenches, hopefully you eventually sought help in nursing your emotional scars to help you heal, makes life at least a little more manageable. 💜
Character assassination can be subtle. The narcissist parent, and the siblings who are in lockstep with them, don't have to say that you're a bad person, or even that you're a liar. They only have to say that you have a problem, that your perception of reality is skewed, and that they're worried about you, that they aren't trying to hurt you and are just trying to help you, and that you thinking that they're trying to hurt you is proof that you need help but don't realize it and can't accept it. Once this narrative is established, all your protestations are just taken as further proof that you're crazy, or that you have issues. It can be crazymaking. And of course, if the abusive parent is the mother, and has good facade maintenance, you can forget about convincing anyone else, including a family therapist.
SAME!! Holy f, the same, like you were a fly on the wall watching my family.
Yes absolutely, I’m painted as the foolish daughter who doesn’t listen to anyone’s advice and just doesn’t get it together. I’m constantly given stupid advice on issues they have no clue what to say. They even painted my husband this way” She picked a bad husband (my husband is amazing actually)” “she’s so stupid for not choosing the career I told her to”
I had to cut them off this Sunday. Super painful but I have to do it I have to get out
I'm so glad I came across this. I was the scapegoat and punching bag of my family. I'm considered a liar, a thief, and lord knows what else. I left home and never looked back. Even today, I have no contact with people that don't respect me.
You are a smart person. Keep up the good work.
So true my narcissistic mother and entire dysfunctional family, went no contact, they can lie all they want about me, and continue their evil deeds, because no matter what everything that you do in life will automatically come back to you, I'm focusing on me and setting boundaries, us scapegoats come out stronger in the end.
If you’d like more insights and support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
My Mother, once my father left, she just hated me. I was a handy scapegoat. She starting drinking the day after he left and she never stopped. Her final venomous act was to leave everything to my sister knowing fully I would find the paperwork just where she told me it was. It has been hard figuring this all out.
I’m so very sorry! You did not deserve this and I know how personal it all feels. They can’t see who we are and likely never could. We are just everything they didn’t want to see in themselves.
@dnk4559 Thank you so much for saying that. I just absorbed it at the time and the shame of having your MOTHER do that publicly. My sister did not follow her directive and shared most of the estate. I am just now saying this aloud and feeling angry instead. I tried to be a good daughter so at the time I was baffled.She could hold a grudge, lol. I am learning not to.
My mother just passed. She was a grandiose malignant narc. I was her only person , so I took care of her for her last year until she died. Every day, she would tell someone in hospice that I was negligent, wrong, stealing her food and money , etc... you get the picture. I was just looking through the box of photos she left of our whole family- she was a hoarder , so there were many. I could see now how I was an unwanted nuisance in her life - I kept her from being the great famous somebody she aspired to be. She hated me with a passion in the end and did everything in her power to leave me penniless. She kept her baby book, baby pictures, many pictures of her self traveling the world and only that of me looking bedraggled because of my marriage to yet another selfish narc. She would come home from her impressive European adventures only to crash in my house. Thanks for listening...
I exited the last npd cycle of abuse 6 months ago. Now that I am free, I may remain in what is called a season of isolation permanently.
#neveragain
❤🎉😊
Dumping toxic trash out of life has been a career as an adult.... stay peaceful ❤🙏
Character assassination is worst thing ever in life
U always make me cry 😢 it's the learning to live alone i struggle with. But ur video's help so much. I love u like a ray of sunshine. Thank you x
I'm glad the videos are helpful for you. If you’d like more support on this journey, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
This is me/my life story!!
I’m glad you found the content relatable. If you’d like to explore more, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
I was the scapegoat. I am actually completely shunned now and to be honest - it is a relief in many ways.
This is exactly what I experienced. Left that mess behind 10 years ago.
The character assassination and no longer caring about what they think was very difficult.
I've had many years to think about this and recasting my memories and assumptions from childhood about these people. It didn't start until I became permanently disabled, therefore weak in their eyes. About 20 years ago is when it all went sideways and I was very perplexed, because I thought we had fairly good relationships before that. It took me about 7 years to even wrap my head around a dynamic involving my mom and 3 siblings. I've had no contact for at least 8 years.
Sadly, my dad would give me a look that I would only give my worst enemy. I wouldn't even have to do or say anything to receive this look of hatred.😢
Yes!!! A look of contempt or disgust. It started when I was young. I can’t imagine ever treating one of my children the way he treated me.
Jerry this is why I love you and hate you. You’re so spot on you’re so accurate and you hit the nail on the head every time. I wish I knew you 50 years ago. I lived exactly what you describe here. I had to go no contact with the entire family and alone successfully made my own way despite sudden bilateral profound deafness. That being said, I just can’t watch your videos all the time because they’re too true and the memories too disturbing.
Malignant normalcy. That phrase stopped me in my tracks. This guy comes up with these lightning bolt phrases that clear things up in a few words.
I actually buy and read all of the book recommendations you give in your videos and they are solid recommendations. Thank you, Jerry!
Glad you like them!
This is why I adored the book, 'The Scarlet Letter' when I was in college. The narcs told on themselves and all Hester had to do was remain silent and keep to herself.. And that's precisely what happened in my family of origin.
This has been my family dynamic, I'm the first adult child in my narcissist fathers 2nd family with 2 younger, now adult siblings. It took me years of enduring all manner of bullying & hate before I one day discovered online about the narcissistic family situation, & educated myself to a better life , never think these videos aren't valuable , I'm still referred to as "The difficult one" Hahaha, but I now have rock hard boundaries & understanding
Living it. The backhanded jokes for after my departure are writing themselves as we speak. I can hear them already. "Well, you know your sister". Actually, no. No one in my family actually knows me or wants to. I was the much older nanny. No one knows about or cares about my horrific trauma. I'm simply labeled and scapegoated and 29 years after my daughter's vaccine induced death, the inevitable has reached finality. The slow motion death of my entire family because I stood up for truth and won't betray my daughter's memory. Scapegoated and not allowed to be myself. Rest in peace Hailey Lynn. There's none here. Your brother recognized your absence this year despite never knowing you. Probably because of the immense burden placed on him these last three years with our being abandoned with me sick and fighting for survival. I will never understand how people can be so cruel.
I am so sorry for your loss.
@@rockstarofredondo thank you. 💗
You speak truth, and you deserve only kindness. The world is cruel, and life is often beautiful. I hope you cherish the beauty and goodness in your heart, and know that you are loved
I am currently living at a homeless shelter to get as far away from my toxic family as possible. They have used me as their scapegoat for the last time, and I'm starting to get my peace of mind back. I have no intention of letting them know my address when I have one. I know I'm doing the right thing despite how hard it is. Subscribed to your channel ❤
No matter what happens, keep your chin up and don't get involved with drugs. You'll make it.
OMG this is amazing and so validating. My entire life I always wondered why my family of origin never believed me about anything. I experienced Every. Single. One. of these characteristics usually via passive aggressive speech and conduct. My mother was furious when I started getting therapy and warned me not to talk about the family or I’d be disinherited. I went no contact 13 years ago with relief. Than you Jerry.
13 years of no contact, I'm proud of u
What happened to ur family after u left
@@singstreetcar5881 My mother (narcissist) has since died at age 99. I learned of her death when her state retirement system sent papers for me to sign as a beneficiary. FOA sperm donor died in 2007. Two siblings I wrote off years before I left the scene of the crime, and of those two one died in 2020. The golden boy, who inherited the egg donors narcissist personality, still lives with his narcissistic wife, as far as I know. I left the state and my chosen family is helping Mr through my final years. To my knowledge they don’t have a clue where I am, and I plan to keep it that way.
I shouted, That's me! I've been aware of my role in the family since I was young. I've accomplished so much and have done well for myself. But you wouldn't know it according to my family. Thank you for so eloquently putting into words our strife. No worries though, I'm very content with my life.
You control what comes in. And what goes out. You dont need to engage. Or be validated. Time and energy is precious, not endless. You become what you surround yourself with. You can love from a distance. If you dont choose this, you will eventually be forced to anyway.
This was extremely helpful allowing me to see many of the manipulations I have been putting up with for years. I have decided to go No Contact with a manipulative sibling and his manipulation wife and I am elderly. I am beginning to see that this is the right decision..
After many decades, I finally know why I didn't tell anyone in my family of origin when my older cousin m0L3sted me @ age 12. Depression, anxiety, isolation, obsessive compulsive-like tendencies & addiction have all merely been symptoms of my dysfunctional core origin story.🙈😒
Similar story here. It was a sick system. I hope you may find joy and peace everyday moving forward 🕊️
Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. 🙄
" I am not going to accept Scapegoat-ISM."
Beautiful!
Wow. This is the most accurate and cohesive explanation of my scapegoat experience yet. It is often difficult for me to articulate these things to this day, as, for years, I had been blamed and shamed whenever I reached out to family and friends during, and after, a very abusive 13 year relationship. Thankfully, now I understand that the best road to healing and joy is practicing using my own voice in my head (vs the sad & blaming thoughts that tend to rear their ugly heads)... it takes practice to rewire the trauma brain after abuse, but videos like this really hold the keys to freedom of these past evils we were subjected to. I did read the Mandeville book and recommend it as well. I will check out the other one, and watch this video a few times; its helping and I'm so grateful. Thank you, Jerry!!!
That’s me the scapegoat. They use, abuse and abandon me and everyone thinks that they are great and I am just exaggerating and ungrateful. I’m all alone and don’t know how long I can go one like this.
I was told I was exaggerating too. The dysfunction and abuse literally took my mom and brother’s life… yet I’m exaggerating how toxic it was. I decided to finally cut it off forever and embrace my own solo life with people that are safe
You are not alone!! There are tons of us!
Thank you for this. It clarifies many things for me - a truth teller.
I was not the scapegoat inmy primary family but i was hte scapegoat inmy married family. my spouse cheated on me, then turned everyone against me. they wanted to maintain the status quo, they felt like they would have repercussions and it was too painful to know that the rabbi cheated having an affair with a married woman and others. this video was very validating and showed me how much i have detached from all the nonsense. i was ostracized because i defended myself in the face of public (and private ) slander. they dont deserve me. only people who love and respect me do, and even though ia m only left with 1 out of 6 kids and no extended family (including grandchildren and my sister who also drank the kool aid and i think was jealous of me her whole life) i am better off with out them! i dont defend myself anymore, i focus on building myself up, and nurturing myself, and i have moved on! i have wonderful friends who are like family and who see my truth!
For me, the blessing of being the scapegoat was that they pushed me so far outside my mother's sticky web that I had almost nothing to lose by waking up and saying, "No thanks."
I like what you say about self-differentiation.. With all the inclusive talk these days it is nice to be different..