Setting boundaries once you’re a doormat is hell. Easier to walk away.its like trying to train a coyote to be a lap dog ! Wish I knew all of this 25 yrs ago.
26 years. And I am so stuck you would think I was Gorilla Glue. But I am not a doormat anymore. Yes I will be the first one to admit I lost myself. But thanks to a very very wonderful woman in Germany. She gave me the ability to feel I am not property. Bless you all. Do not feel sorry for me I have my animals. Those of you that can get out run run run run run run. Bless you all. Since finding this doctor I still felt a little bit of alone on the island. Now I am swimming
1) I refuse to allow you to be in charge of my inner stability 2) I refuse to engage in circular arguments with you 3) I refuse to justify my legitimate emotions, needs and interpretations. Even if I don't make sense to you, I make sense to myself. 4) I refuse to make excuses for you, when other people comment about your dysfunctions 5) I refuse to cater to your demands, whims, moods. I'm willing to be cooperative when common sense dictates it, but I refuse to be your lackey. 6) I refuse to cling to bitterness and resentment that tethers me to you 7) I refuse to take the bait when you assume the victims' position due to me just being me. I see your projections of your own junk onto me. 8) I refuse to stay isolated from the people who understand me and know me best. I like being successfully connected. 9) I refuse to cloak myself in your messages of shame and guilt. Who are you to judge my character? 10)I refuse to be wishy-washy in my decisions. 11)I refuse to buy into your false image of smugness and superiority, i find it pitiable that you have to elevate yourself at the expense of so many people 12)I refuse to over-apologize for my mistakes or miscalculations. I will make amends when necessary, but I won't grovel. I have DIGNITY, FREE WILL & COMPETENCE - I refuse to match pitch with your troubled soul I learn better when I take notes and am more of a visual learner than auditory, so I thought id post these notes for others who are also. Thanks so much for your kind and wise advice!
Thank you. I will use this. Kind souls like yourself are what narcissus characters exploit. I have learned that! But I also recognize true kindness, now
Refusing to play the game is pure magic. It's like new birth. The last step towards freedom is to let go of hate and anger. I have decided - as an adult person - that the narc in my life (my sister) wont get emotional energy from me. She is not worth it, and I refuse to let her influence me. She is not even worth contempt. I am free. I am me.
Be the whipping boy, or get it. Don't be the whipping boy, and get it. When you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you know you're involved with a toxic person. It's hell. Stay away.
For 17 months I kept saying to myself "I'm sick of being her whipping boy". After 17 months of being my wife's emotional punching bag I left. You literally have to subjugate yourself to gain their approval and that is simply not living your own authentic life. So it's www.getridof.com
Charlie Rogers, I'm trying to understand what you're saying. I hope you aren't twisting Anonymous Anomoly's comments against him just because it appears that he is a man. If so, your comment has no place here. I would make a much harsher comment, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.
I said straight to his face, "I refuse to be defined by your projection of what you hate about yourself." "You hate me, because you hate everyone, because you hate yourself." His jaw dropped in what appeared to be pure astonishment, and I walked out of the room. Twenty minutes later I got an apology. A weak, "I'm sorry I made you upset," but an apology nonetheless. Thanks, for giving me back myself, Doc.
@@usa4287 Ts day one of No Contact. Oh my god, there is actual physical symptoms of anxiety... this is hell. Why is this hell? I'm free of him, why is it so painful!!! It's like resisting the urge to smoke a cigarette!!
If he apologized, then he is a narc that can be worked with .....my narc would NEVER consider "I'm sorry"...even when he broke bones. He just said, "you must have bones". No remorse whatsoever.
@@MediaEnslavedNation AWESOME!!! I'm currently feeling anxiety about simply replying to mine's text. This has been my sign that I'm not crazy. I get anxious 2 hrs before it's time for him to get home. I am not anxious by nature or tempermant. The consistency of this feeling (as well as the INSANE way the behaviors I see are textbook-every video, every article, every comment rings true). I have decided I am not living like this anymore. (As I hear him talk about "decisiveness" in the video!)
@@laurenlochamybatson8159 You are strong enough to handle this. If you need a quick calming boost youtube search emdr and look for the one with green ball. use headphones and track the ball with your eyes for 15 minutes. It's just a quick fix but as long as you are still within the situation, it'll really help.
Mary Elizabeth Diercks I can relate. My parents used to “kryptonite” me also. If at all possible, get as little to no contact as you can. Even if it’s temporary. I saw that it was a lot like being on a merry go round. When you first get off, you’re still very dizzy and nauseous and can’t find your bearings and feel just awful. You need time to get your feet on the ground and get settled a bit on the inside before you ever have to start dealing with one again. And build yourself back up, like as with these vids and find support of some other kind if possible. Staying connected in some way with people who “get it.” Of course, it’s best just to leave them high and dry forever, but I know it’s not always possible to do that. At a bare minimum, and if at all possible, I’d take some months without them in my life at all. It made a world of difference for me to do that, as in my case just leaving them high and dry forever wasn’t an option I had at the time.
As a scapegoat from childhood, I have never learned to "be allowed to" refuse anything. Finally someone who teaches me how to do this with examples! Great, and thank you very much!
mdmmalou it’s terrible that ravenous wolf in the family but I’m 41 but I know the Creator is on your side. The Creator teaches us who we really are too realize we are not robots . The Creator brings the Dark to light🙌🔥. Through people like escape goats
Scapegoat here too. Sixty-eight years old and still emotionally pinned down from it. At least I have some truth and validation, at last. Ditto, thank you for your sessions!
@@verihatrust7288 I understand and im sorry for you. It has such a huge impact on the rest of your life, if you've been raised by horreble parent(s). They are sadistic bully's in so many ways, and enjoy the grief of the scapegoat I escaped when I was 38 y. And never saw her again. I'm 62 now, and its a releave that theres so much knowlege and support over the world. Thats beautiful and helps me a lot. Thank you Veriha and all of you..
My mum texted me and after like she had done nothing wrong. She even offered to buy me a box of tomatoes selling cheap so I could make and bottle a sauce from it. I didn't recognise the number because I had deleted it a while ago and had to ask who it was. When I realised who it was I ended the conversation firmly with a no about the tomatoes and I haven't heard from her since. She keeps on trying to get to me through my kids though.
They suck all of the energy out of the room, but when we remain stable, they can no longer do that because our powerful, positive energy will prevail over theirs. Dr. Carter, you are one of the best on TH-cam. Thank you so much!
Breakthrough Moment That is so true. I’ll take it a little further. They drain the energy out of your soul. My closest family were narcs. Including my daughter. I have a disability. Well that made me chronically inferior.. The team spirit made me very sick. Drawing a line with even the closest member was a matter of life or death.
Trinny O'Neill This really touched me and I feel for you. Coincidentally, that could have been me writing your comment. I also have a disability and what I’ve always believed to be a narcissistic daughter. Just when I see some light at the end of the tunnel (they really suck you dry when they want something), something always backfires on me. I’m kind of now used to the pattern of overindulging her needs and then getting the “kick“ for it. They only act decent when they need something. Like you, I have two narc parents (divorced since I was 10), now we’re all seniors and I live with my narc mom and for Mother’s Day my narc dad will be visiting from out of town!! Oh, brother, I’m in for something! I like how you phrased it, “The team spirit.” I call it being mobbed out by your nearest and dearest. Indeed, it’s a very sick and negative group dynamic. On Mother’s Day, my dad is going to be expecting to be waited on hand over fist and is only visiting to get his narc supply. We cook, drive him around and do everything for him and then he returns the hospitality with rude and belligerent insults. Sandwiched between both narc parents over the weekend is going to be excruciating. When I’m alone with my covert narc mother, we stay pretty much out of each other’s hair, other than the encounters in the common areas and to have meals together, which almost invariably seem to end with me on the receiving end of her crazy-making, passive-aggressive antics. I know what you mean by drawing the line, which sets us up for being guilt-tripped and shamed for not wanting to put up with their garbage. I’m sorry you also had to deal with family-of-origin issues. Sorry for the long diatribe, but it rang similarly true.
I like the notion of narcissists as being 'troubled souls'. I call them 'unquiet spirits' and whereas I may feel empathy for them I do not have or need to bring them into my life or circle of influence. I am not responsible for fixing them and let them go on their way to find others more willing to assist them.
When you decide to take your path to a healthier life the consequences can be ugly. Depending on your narc it can range from name-calling and a smear campaign (count on that) to needing to find a safe place to hide for a while. Best piece of advice I got was to move everything of value to me (financial papers, licenses, certificates, titles/deeds, bank statements, tax returns, copies of his and your identification, pictures, etc.) to a place totally not accessible to him. You are going to need it. And start documenting behavior. And remember if you go back you may not get another chance to leave. Watch Dr Carter every day for your "I can do this" fix. And tell your supportive friends and family about this channel. Dr Carter can explain things in a way that is easily understood. This mess was not your making. You were suckered and conned by an expert. Your only crime was to be nice. I had a lot of stuff to lose and the narc made sure I lost it all. What I gained is peace and self-respect... an a good night's sleep.
Agree. Unfortunately my narc stepmother is now 98 and still in control of the inherences and finances. She has punished me severely for my pushing back on her and exposing her.
They consider you to be their property forever. I escaped from my narcissist ex husband 25 years ago. I have nothing to do with him. Life is so much better but he keeps attacking me through our children. Three of my four children hate me because of his lies. All of can do is pray and have patience. It won't be like this forever.
You save one female and 4 children from Narcissist cycle that's mean I will teach 4 children how to deal with all the narcissists that they are going to meet them in their life and how to move out from abusive realtionship 🤩🤩🤩
I'm 40+ years attached to a narc since teenagers and I think it's best to educate children how to RECOGNIZE narc behaviors so awareness before committed to lifelong relationships.
I learned the hard way...you feel sorry for narcissist but you really just get caught in their trap if you try to help them. Cause they only want to control you and they make you think your unable to live your own life or think good thoughts for yourself.
@@richergeneau8267 I have a long hard story 12 years with a malignant narcissist and he destroyed me...but I got away and reinvented myself. Took good people to show me I wasn't just a piece of dirt on my narcissist shoe...I like being good human being lol ..today I don't tolerate any abuse towards me or others if within my power to help.
How can i even tell my 93 yr old mom.no phone no mail.i need someone to mail her a book or something.shes gonna v Be killed by her grandaughter from prison.isolated.doesnt understand.i cant get through to My best fruend b4 she dies.no contact for a yr! Pls pls help me!!!!
I call that the "NO!" approach. I also have told them "Go to hell." and "I am not going to let you bend me out of shape." Active resistance like that sure throws them into a rage.
Steven Deshazo I used to give them the finger or just say FU and it really set them off. 😂 I’m much cooler now, but I really don’t regret it. And at times I look back and say, dang I really did have a lot of spunk left in me, even if they had tried to kill my spark. It was just where I was at the time tho and maybe it needed to happen that way first so I could finally get to where I am today-which is being indifferent and living my life and IDGAF what they want to say or do anymore.
He is like a huge healing balm. When I feel like an anxiety attack is starting I put on another of his videos. Just hearing his calm voice and kind face, immediately set me right.
Looking back on my childhood, I realize that I always had an emotional detachment from my narc mother which allowed me to be less damaged and controlled by her. She always projected her disfunction onto me, but for some reason, I figured out at a young age that she was wrong about me and really just blamed me for her own mistakes.
Dr Carter it worked! I showed up today the best version of my truest self with all my competencies forward and guess what happened? Something amazing. The NARC fled. Actually fled the scene. Not even one word was spoken by me. I know we only have today, but today it worked and my brother and I finally had some peace as the NARC self discarded.
Dr. Carter, Thank you so much for your clear, level headed talks. They help immensely, especially when I'm feeling weak or doubtful. I think scapegoated people have a difficult time truly believing in themselves after so many years of abuse.
It doesn’t matter with some people. Even if you play their game, they don’t like you because they SENSE your individualism and want you to be exactly like them. It’s not enough to stay away; they want you to buy into their RIGHTNESS!
Good action advice. I spent so much time trying to understand my narc that I neglected my own understanding. Being what I was thinking was being "considerate" and turning the other cheek kept me confused and immobilized. When I began to take action ("I refuse"), I was on my way to liberation.
Absolutely! It's been years worth of abuse from my covert narcissist MIL against my children and myself. I refuse to put up with it anymore. If my husband and FIL will not do their jobs and protect us, then I will have to do it for them. I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner.
Great video, and great food for thought. My initial thought is that standing up to a narcissist will often amp up their anger, shaming, control, manipulation, revenge, violence, and blaming to an uncontrollable level. I once stood up to my covert narcissist, and the moment I my back turned, she picked up an antique Coleman camp heater, and with a full body swing, hit me with it. The heater landed in the nape of my neck, and an inch higher, I believe it could have killed me. The impact literally knocked the wind out of me. Another time, she destroyed the remote key fob on my Chevy, in s rage fit. Yet another time, she hit me so hard with a green Libman brand broom that I thought I was going to pass out. Be careful folks...if you have a rage centered narcissist, take caution.
Oh my gosh! I am so sorry this happened to you. Yes, narcs. can becone very violent toward you, because of the type of person you are. They despise and hate you, because of the type of person you are. I believe in a fit of rage they are even capable of murder, but they are cowardscand would no it contact 911, but instead would dispose of the body, due repercussions of being charged for murder.
i have done some of the "I refuse" things you have mentioned. 1.i refuse to continue to argue with a 3yr old or I refuse to continue to explain that I am NOT the person you want to make me.2. I refuse to be your whipping post. This is good info Doc. people must take back the power, the dignity. A narcissist must be "shut down ".Do not buy into the narcs program. rebel, reject all the negativity.
I told someone who is a narc who I thought was a friend that I refused to be their emotional punching bag. They then tried to gaslight me so I calmly told them they had violated a boundary and we were done. I blocked and deleted them. Glad I learned the truth of who they really were.
Dr. Carter is so right about refusing to participate in the behavior and acknowledging your right to say no. In my case, I've found that telling a narcissist no often brings out the worst. I played a "don't rock the boat" game with them. When that changed, they didn't sit by quietly. All forms of Co-dependency with the narcissist needs to end before your foot can be put down and say, "Enough is enough." If they have any leverage over you, it will often be used to its fullest potential. This leverage can be material things or emotional.
Izzysmom especially with parents. Mine sent pictures of my ss # to my uncle who sells ss numbers and his prostitute wife....now I can’t even leave and get an appartment
When you said "lackey," I stopped the video and commented. I told my 90-year-old mother that I was not going to be my sister's lackey. That was a week ago. I see ALL of your warning signs in her, and, although we are family, I cannot and will not allow anyone to treat me so dismissively, accusingly, and dictatorially. Now I see that inner hurt child you mentioned in a different video. She may never see what she is, or how she is, but that doesn't mean I can't. Thank you for explaining and illuminating.
This is so good Dr. Carter but I will say that it is easier said than done especially if the relationship has been ongoing for many years. This person does not like his world disrupted and any hint of it causes rage and a torrent of trouble. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone against such venom.
Put this thread in your favorites, bookmark it, whatever just so it is easy to access. When you need encouragement come back to it. We are all still here and I think a lot of us pray for each other a lot even though we don't know names or particulars. You are NOT alone! And chances are more people know what is going on than you think. They just don't know how to let you know without embarrassing you or putting you in danger. It is worth the effort!
@@carolynchristy Thank you. You are so right. I pray each day for the dear people that are bravely navigating each day with the narcissist that is in their lives. Thanks for the reminder that as I pray for others they are praying for me.
CAN"T Change a narcissist. but i'm still responsible for me" SPOT ON. I wrote that down. I'm starting to take notes on your videos. it gets so confusing with these people. I need a few simple phrases like this to stay centered and on track like this one. thank you dr. GREAT VIDEO
Words, Words...Yes, with my Adult daughter Narc, my Life has become a Verbal Obstacle Course... It's hard to Know what's Actually being talked about, she changes subject SO Often, and so fast and Shrill.
Its simple once you understand who they are. They want to be center of attention They will not allow you to grow so that they are only one remaining with some sort of achievement. there's an evil person in them which you should avoid and stay away from and (always keep the mask) wont work because they can spot you from a mile because they are looking for vulnerable people but when you know what vulnerability is then they can't touch you.If they attack you then just expose them about what they are doing to you if infront of people then is better.They dont want their image to get tainted.I feel i can see through every single one of them.All of them have the same goal= Attention but they differ in how they act.
Carrie Red. It's impossible to have a civilized conversation with a narcissist. From the get go it becomes a toxic game of one up manship and they're relentless in always having the upper hand. You can forget trying to get your valid points across because in their opinion (the only one that matters to a narc) you're not allowed to participate in what devolves into a monologue where your job is to nod your head and do as you're told. That has been my experience with the narcissist in my family circle. I limit my time around her to the absolute minimum.
We need to detach from temptation to rescue or seek narc approval. Avoid bitterness but forgiveness is not saying “its ok to keep treating me bad” One way to say no is “Thanks for asking but.. no “
the narc always wanted to get me to go with him places so he could dominate me..I refused over and over for eight months..I stared at him as he hovered me and he finally stopped his nonsense. I got the power and he looked like he got punched!
It is scary and takes guts to leave .especially if you have children..you have to decide whether you want to be a whipping post or want your children to suffer..you are stronger than you think and you can survive...no part of life is easy..but your life is valuable...I left and raised two children ..we did with out a lot of things..but we made it ..and the lessons we learned in the process was worth it...it took 5 years of counseling for me to be able to trust myself and my decisions....but I became someone I liked not someone I was ashamed of
This something I could use help on. To refuse a mean spirited narc could be a battlefield covered in broken shards of glass. Tread very lightly. Help us through the maze, Dr. Carter.
@@piavmes Hey Pam, I have had my share of some.of that. It's a no win situation. Three options would be make amends with the worm to not have bad blood at the office so it's not a job killer. Or go to admin/human resources and.ask their thoughts on how.to handle this without damaging you. Go to whistle blower/ budget GAO and let them know what is unethical and your questions about job security or anything that compromise the mission or budget at hand. I would leave what you could behind you and look for suitable employment else.where. even if things were perfect.at the current location, sometimes you just can't get the " stink" out or the morale is just too low with the others to change the environment. When a door closes,.build a new damn building! Stay strong Pam. Please get a open letter of recommendation from a current peer, to use as a reference or Ally.
Pam, at this point making amends would be both wasted energy & hope. People, like this, love the fact that they control & continue to haunt you & your life. Please consider watching, reading, and learning how to go after justice by joining us at Kirk’s Law Corner. There should be a FB Live at 8:30 pm this evening / Friday. It’s not a “Narc group”, but a group of Patriots learning how our Republic is supposed to operate and our actual rights as the people. Mind you, Narc behaviors have dominated the areas of our lives, including the public parts, which end up a waste of money & energy to try to get relief in our present court system. It sounds like you could “Remonstrate” your work problems related to this person/official, to right the horrible wrongs and to free up your future.
Les, you have NO idea how much your videos help me to deal with my narcissist. He called me up and tried to slither back into my life. When I didn't respond the way he wanted me to, he started right back on the insults, and blame. I told him straight away, I'm going to hang up on you now. It's almost as if he was on the "how to BE a narcissist" website! I don't like to be like this, I was even going to offer my help to him after his surgery. Alas, I fear that helping him, will send the wrong message and result in my own humiliation. I refuse to allow him to use me as fuel ever again.
Wish I could send this video twenty years back in time to my younger self. Of course the problem is that if you approach one of these people in the ways described, they will typically say "That all sounds good, but what are you talking about? You must be imagining things if you think I'm doing this to you."
Dr. Carter, exactly what I have gone through with my sister for years. Last year I would not grovel to my sister so was told I would be cut off from the family. She ended up coming round...and I went back again.. Just 2 weeks ago I caught her in a lie about me and when I called her on it there was an enormous explosion ofcourse. As usual she shut me down. I thought about it for a few weeks and said NO, she wont push me down again and confronted her via text...safer for me. Another vicious attack ensued and like you said started putting blame on me for exactly what she does as usual. She told me our relationship was over. Goodbye for good. I am the only creative, sensitive one in our family and have always been the scapegoat. She has turned my 5 nieces against me, and you are right...she wants to control every family event so she can say yes I can come or no. I am older, divorced with no children, and it is cruel to hear about the things I have been left out of....they always find a wsy to slip it in. Always holidays, birthday events. So I no longer have any family, but it was too high a price to pay. Thank you for your videos. They have really helped me through this. And I will not be going back this time. I am done.
My brother did the same, raging violently and abusive, I tried to communicate by text, but his hateful critical reply made me realize I'm always the doormat. Like you, I've had to distance myself, but it's the children who suffer. He has told his version of events to all who'll listen, and as we were alone, is outright lying because there were no witnesses to his behavior.
Great advice but boundaries must be lived and not spoken with a narcissist. As brilliant as these are, never give a narcissist a bullet list of weaknesses to target, rest assured they will be targeted aggressively. If you tell a narc you won't play their games anymore, then you are playing their game. Always make your reason for not playing inarguable. "Sorry I can't tonight, I have syphilis."
Thank you!!!! This is so important. I was baited for years, but remained silent, but now my silence has more to do with me being free from them than it did before as a way of preventing trouble. I no longer feel a need to "have my say", God will defend me if I need defending.
Not me, I now speak up each and every time with my narc. I call out out every gaslight including my new realizations for things that happened in the past. I call out the childish temper tantrums. I call out the attempts to undermine me with other people behind my back. I call out the narc self focused conversations that don't acknowledge or value anything I said. I am no longer silent or accommodating about anything with this narc and I make sure to always start with "Only a narcissist would say/do xxx". No way will I ever again in life let this narc be stronger than me 💪
At the end of the video, you said that when the Narcissist continues to come after you, we’re dealing with a troubled soul. They are troubled, but they prey on our easy to give compassion & sympathy. * “They will continue to come after &/or engage an available target.” Make your kind, normal self unavailable to engaging with the Narc’s covert & strategic ways. “I’m not engaging” is a helpful, “internal mental loop” to play when they attempt to engage you.
Your videos really DO resonate...am just starting to (covertly) pack my things after nearly 20 years of marriage. People - you are NOT to blame for everything, and you CAN awaken your old self. It’s an ongoing thing...
Stay strong and do it! There will be repercussions and/or they will turn on the charm. I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. I had some false starts but finally got away by moving across country. Counseling is helpful to get them out of your head. You're a strong and courageous person who deserves better!
Wow ladies 23 years for me. I am trying to get motivated to do it. In the process of loosing myself I developed a shopping addiction and am so behind my house is a cluttered mess. I am kind of frozen I guess. Last child nearly out the door amd was waiting for her to be independent. It's not easy when you live at a working family business (farm ) surrounded by all the family. So I have a lot to do. My confidant (best friend of 30 years) took her own life a couple of years ago sending me into depression. Now I find my narc has been addicted to porn and a disgusting sort too he has been hiding. I feel degraded as well as for my daughters. So many secrets I have had to keep for so many years. I am tired.
It's hard, isn't it, when you have put a lot of time and effort into a relationship, in my case, the best years of my life in terms of age. I wish I had woken up earlier. I kept hoping things would improve. Hopefully, the last 20 years of my life will be easier, even if alone. I could have stayed and put my foot down, with hindsight, but they are so devious, you sometimes don't know what they are thinking or doing. Feels good to write this.
The "I Refuse" Approach, #13) "I'm living my best life..I ain't going back and forth with you narcissist." lol Thanks for the good ideas doc. Keep them coming.
Hello there Dr. Carter. Thank you for your channels. I am grateful for all of the help and the clarity when you break down how the Narcissist go into rage when you say NO to them. That is the way mine was. Bye, Bye to him once I saw where it was going. I am doing no contact with him for the last 30 days. Amen
Katrina Assoumou good luck Katrina!!👍😃 I wish you so many blessings and happiness❤️ ..... mine is my mother, I moved to a different state to get away form her in 2010. BEST decision of my life🙏
It's powerful to remember I refuse to react to your whims when the eventual hoovering starts from the narc after no-contact; Even more powerful is remembering you have competence which the narc broadcasts the opposite is true behind your back. My favorite is rejecting their smugness and imperious nature.
Back in college I had a crush on this classmate. She was crazy-pretty, really popular with faculty and I found it really easy to talk and joke with her. After a few months things started to smell off. I didn't know until recently about being "supply" but thats what I was doing for her. I asked her about what was going on. She lied and smiled as though she was really concerned. They were lies that were easy for a dull person to pick up on. There is a solid line I've had my entire adult life, which is about manipulation and lying; its pungent. I walked away from the conversation after about 10 minutes of her shoveling without me saying goodbye. I had enough. There was nothing to say to someone who would lie that profusely and non-sensically. It was very soon after that I started hearing from people in the department (Psychology dept no less) that I attempted to kill her at noon in the loby of the psych dept on a school day with dozens and dozens of people milling around. In spite of the rediculousness of the claim, that scared me deeply as 1) that's really serious, 2) In the social sciences there was (and is more so now) androny (hatred of men) and the atmosphere in the dept. was ripe with it. 3) any accusation was equivelant to group-think passing down a verdict and 4) I was (and still am) and introvert while she was an outgoing, attractive person popular with faculty, which to me meant that whatever I had to say was worthless in the social realm. So what's the point of the story? There may be a cost to refuse feeding the person what they expect. Would I do it again? I have just enough self-respect to not sit with that behavior without having a say in HOW I respond. It was expensive. I still feel anxiety writting this because of the intense politcally, gender-charged atmosphere and the shock of hearing what I "did to her." from people that I liked. And YES, I would do it again. BUT be prepared for the exchange: I payed a social cost for my actions. In return I WILL recieve some personal integrity. The stress from the action may FEEL like it outweighs the potential benifits. Like getting a bullet removed, the surgery hurts a lot in the inital aftermath but in the coming months the healing slowly moves from the accute stage to recovery stage. What are you tired of? What would it be like not having that toxic person's judgmental input? Will you remember to breathe while contemplating your choices in this matter?
Wow, your depth of understanding where you have BEEN is admirable & will also hope & pray that (I as well) you have enough years left to ENJOY what our childhood DIDN'T!
These videos are so helpful! I post them on my Facebook hoping my daughter will see them, somehow. She's married to a narcissist and he has forbidden contact with me or any of her family, friends. I raised her to be an independent woman. Her dad is also a narcissist. It's like she married her dad
Such a fantastic list! I wish I'd had the knowledge, foresight, sheer guts years ago to stand on my beliefs - & to not buy-into arguing with my husband, which made me look bad. He put me down constantly so I finally lost all self-esteem/confidence & became an empty person, silent, isolated & lonely. A year along after locking him out & I'm starting to see flickers of light. Just starting a goal-journal, working on self-love statements, pictures of how "happy" looks; & remembering little things that I really was good at, that he took away from me over 13yrs. Slowly I gave him everythg. Now I'm seeing life differently & realise I did hv a choice, I was just under his covert manipulation to "stay silent" & accept things. Now I'm planning a bright & sunny future, starting today. Tks to u & ur kind way of speaking which resonates deeply with me. Tks so much, from NZ. 😎
I love it! 😂 And I’m also no longer down for injecting their poison into my veins and suffering the whole time that mess works its way through and out of my system.
I cant tell you how helpful these are, they have literally set me free from my own internal conversations after severe abuse from a person who I loved deeply but who has gotten more and more abusive until finally it was enough....you answer my questions as to what happened. I only wish I'd known this 20 years ago. I would have walked away without a second thought.
As soon as I hear disapproval and negative judgment, my heart falls to the floor, I feel heat rising up in me and then I feel like I have to defend myself to keep from being a victim.These refusals actually makes me feel empowered and hopeful. Thank you!
These videos are so helpful. There is so much power in two letters: NO. It's hard to say that word at first but healthy people have to learn to use it.
OMG, this describes the family I am living near. They have sucked the joy of life out of me. I am looking to find a counselor as I cannot get myself out of this hole by myself. I am beaten down. I will watch this a few more times, it gives me some hope. Thank you.
I just realized why I prefer your help over the others The others use dramatics to describe the Narcissist, they speak in absolutes where the Narc is concerned and I dont trust their judgement amd opinions. You on the othergand are very level heades, you clearly plan your talks. You are rambling and babbling on with your personal opinions. You are professional and seem kind. hearted. Good work!
I wish I had found you and your exactly on point analysis before or at least when I got caught in the destructive relationship. I am totally no contact and healing. I got to the point I did not recognize myself as I was when I met her. I never would have thought I would be such as I became. I have never been used in my life such as she did to me. It will never happen again. It would take a book to list all the things that occurred. You can’t fix them. I was married to a women that I loved with all that I was. I came home from work one day and she hit me with a divorce. I had no idea it was coming. I found out she was already with another guy, and married him in less than three months. That situation tore me down. About a year later I meet the narcissist. I think I was still grieving over the divorce and was ripe for the love bombing she put on me. I have learned some hard lessons.
Have you watched Lisa A Romano? She is a life coach who trained herself out of co-dependency, but even after she knew what the problem was, her mind’s Program was still pulling her back to narc types. It takes Much consistency and repetition in childhood for us to become programmed this way - (to become willing caretakers and lackeys for narcs.) Therefore it takes the same amount of Consistent Repetition and Conscious Effort to finally break out of that program and replace it with healthy, self-caring alternatives in life.
After years of narcissistic abuse, I finally refused a demand. My now ex wife of 32 years walked out a month later. Thank you Dr. Carter, this is so spot-on to what I was going through. Your words here mean more than I can possibly express.
I turn up the videos in my speaker phone. The Doctors voice is very comforting while I'm dealing with a depressing stalking problem. The guy wants to stay in control and wants me to know he sees everything with hidden cameras , ect . I keep everything neat and organized so I know if someone has been prowling through my stuff or testing me to see how observant or if I noticed something moved or taken. He moved a paintbrush from it's holder and laid it on the floor in front of a book he pushed out of the shelf ..The book was about relocating and was sitting next to a book from the library on how to stop stalking. He expects honesty yet there is not a honesty bone in his body.....very sneaky , controlling and devious. He thinks I don't recognize him , following me at stores with a cap pulled low over his face . I hate being treated like an animal .....being stalked ....hunted. BTW my dog let me know where he had been standing in the room by urinating on the area in front of me . I cleaned it up and scolded my dog for making the mess. But as I was cleaning it up....I noticed my best watercolor brush laying on the floor below the moved book. In a sense my dog was notifying me of where this man was in my home while I was gone..I was in the ER being treated for uncontrolled High Blood pressure that didn't start till all this stalking started in my life. If they could only be upfront and honest about their stalking and cybercrimes.....I would forgive them. It's been like a Hitchcock horror movie , draining me . Sometimes I feel like the only privacy I'll ever get back again is.... when I'm dead . Thank God .I will go to my death fearing him but not God. He THINKS he sees everything .....God ,the Angels DO see everything....so does my dog.
Yep ... *ALWAYS believe the DOG* ! You need to get your own hidden cameras. Or seriously, can you hire a private investigator? If he is tailing you, have someone tail him. Build chain of evidence just in case.
You've helped me so Much Dr Carter. Being exposed to a Narcissistic mother and sister crippled me with Anxiety all my life until I finally went no contact. Thank You So Much for your Sharing
Your videos are more than helpful, they are saving my sanity. I talked with you before about a boy I adopted who is now 13 he has been diagnosed with ODD, I have him working with 3 counselors every week for 6 months, they are convinced they can change him. He has all the qualities of a covert narcissist. He has been in counseling since 5 and nothing has worked except he is getting better at his craft. He is a bee charmer and intelligent. When he is around me my energy drains that most of the time I stay outside just to stay happy. He enjoys me sad or mad. I try very hard to stay grey rock almost impossible. He will “accidentally “ break something my mom gave to me just to see me sad. I have 5 more years until he is 18, so yes your videos are saving people like me . Thank you 🙏
Dear friend please excuse my bluntness but I will be honest: I very much assume you have yourself created a "victim" narc by having him put into counseling from 5 years on. Of course, over time his manipulation skills have greatly improved, together with the increasing numbers of (useless) counselors in the 8th year now. I guess if you perhaps would have spent your money into some hockey, chess or guitar lessons you would have invested better. Sorry to say that. In addition you seem to be single parent? A female with male child is always problematic without a father figure. I have a son myself and it was at times very distressful to get through to him because my female thinking and emotion is not compatible to a boy (and I'm also married!). My suggestion to you would be to (again please apologize the term used) get him some "real life lessons" in some work camp among boys / male (!) supervisors or like some navy academy or survival outback training or also social work you know what I mean? Real tough guys around, nothing to complain, manipulate and whine about. He must experience something like this life is not a bed of roses, and if you have now spoiled him into a narc by counseling having just 5 years left you should quickly turn the steer around to get him a useful member of society and not some lifelong parasite narc. Wishing you the very best, I would also seek professional youth care (kind of street worker) but NOT some "counselors" again! Cut them all off, they are just deteriorating your problem! Much love to you, take care... 💝🙏
This is a wonderful video. I have decided to refuse to participate in my mother’s predictable criticisms and complaints. I use to get very angry at her. I now understand that she receives supply from my anger and distress. It’s amazing how she never accepts responsibility for anything and continues to bring up events that occurred decades ago. The advice to refuse to become bitter was spot on. Narcissist are clueless as to how mentally unhealthy they are and cannot be reasoned with.
So true! It was a real awakening for me to finally figure out that the narcissist was actually thrilled with an angry reaction. It gave that person "supply." As in -- any attention at all (even negative attention) is better than being ignored. That was when I started ignoring the person who was baiting me. They really don't like that.
I dont believe they are clueless. If they get pleasure out of ithers heartache that is simply manipulatuve snd evil. People need to stop making excuses for these souless humanoids.
I wish I knew how to heal their troubled soul... It is so very very sad how am I narcissist treats me.. All I've ever given with kindness sweetness and love... All I get in return is disrespect
@@phylvalen9991 Thank you sweetheart XOXO nothing has changed! I am keeping my distance... Nothing helped... So I have blocked the narcissist in my life! Thank you so much for your kind words!! I have good days and bad days... I hope you are doing well XOXO
@@phylvalen9991 . My heart hurts for you XOXO these evil narcissistic people are so wicked... They take our love and give us heartbreak in place of what we have given them! Going to this barbecue on Sunday sounds like it's going to be traumatic... If you start today saying that you're feeling sick... And then update it every now and then about how much worse you are getting... I know this is deceptive but this could be a way that you would not have to get in the car with him and go to the barbecue.. I wish there was someone who could help you escape! So many people are living with mental emotional and physical abuse... I will keep you in my prayers XOXO
@@phylvalen9991 I am so happy that things are going so well XOXO I am doing fine physically... But tears fall out of my eyes because I am sad most of the time! I tried to stay positive and upbeat!! God bless you XOXO
My half-sister has become so narcissistic, I blocked her on WhatsApp, because I don‘t want to be available anymore for her passive-aggressive communication. Some ppl are plain negativity unless they are in a shallow social structure where they get attention and praise, which is the only thing to them that is „positive“. They are so weak, they can‘t handle any criticism, they will rather deny reality. It‘s CREEPY! 😧👈🏼
Thank you as always for a very informative video. Personally, I can't find anything in this video to object to. But, somehow there seem to be those that would give a thumbs down. I can only conclude that they themselves must be narcissists. I don't know why they would be watching this video at all. Well, except to be sneaky and try to learn how to manipulate even more. Evil, evil people they are!!!
My only concern, that I need to share with those watching, please pick your battles carefully. Don't just refuse for the sake of refusing. You could be putting yourself or a child at harm's way. Just be ready,.be ready for anything. Rage can occur, have your concerns ready, be dressed and have your car.keys in in your pocket if you need to exit, for some.freah air for a calmer head and space. Also take some responsibility for the every day chores it's often the smallest detail, that leads to criticism. Be the best " you" so when the storm comes you can deal with the worst they can dish out. Then use the " I refuse". Come from a place of higher ground, because their is no equal ground with a narc. Be careful. Treat a narc like it's a " fire drill" know your exit ( shoes, water bottle, cash, keys, wallet, phone)
Sherri M Identification, copies of identification, phone numbers in case phone is stolen, separate email address, change all passwords and log out of all devices, set up notifications if other people sign into your accounts, change your number or SIM card, always have a clear and concise safety plan and tell one person you know and trust and/or the police if you need to.
That is also the purpose of the “smiling no”. There’s at least 1 YT video on it. I lie to my narc mother all the time and, generally, I’m not a liar. But, if I didn’t, she’d work to keep me miserable and run me out of my own life, using for herself- which I will not have.
Best way to deal with them is not caring what they say and bluntly ignoring them that straightens their behaviour a bit then and only make conversations which are needed and if they give silent treatment its good for us right?
I wish I had known about all of this before, I just got into the games and allowed my mother to ruin my life. Even from her bed in the hospital she played with my sanity. It's sad to think I am a much happier person now that she is gone, because listening to her meant being miserable. My grief is very confusing still, I feel sorry that she is not alive anymore, but I do not miss her presence.
Never ever go back to these people even when you feel sorry for them. They have assumed you will come back and if you give in; they then think...there was never a problem, but you!
Oy, #6...bitterness and resentment - my last string, my achiles heel. I've gotten past that so many times and found it, again, so many times! Like any addiction, I'll just keep quitting for the right reasons until it's really gone. Bitterness to feel justified doesn't really work long term. Must be why I'm at your channel Dr. Carter! My best to All.
Iike proverbial moths to the flame. It all comes back to the relationship in ourselves. For this reason, there's an upwelling of gratitude for what the Narc has to teach...with the help of our good doctor here and one another's sharing. .
@@malinkywoos So true. My siblings did teach me a sense of self MUCH faster than if I were an only child. Glad I went the way of swim, not sink! Sounds like you did, too, from your comment. Cheers!
This video is perfect for me on this day. Just the other day I let the narcissist engage with me and now it will takes days to get over the put downs received by my mother. I will watch and listen carefully to this over and over again.
Watch Lisa A Romano. I’m so sorry you’re going through this friend. Hoping you experience joy in the face of any circumstance. We are created to be joyful. Not conditionally, but As a normal state. Be blessed.
All I have to do to see how horrible my abuser is is to look at how wonderful my Lord and Saviour is. I am NOT the property of my narcissistic and horribly abusive mother to kick around. I am the CHILD OF ALMIGHTY GOD WHO sees me only with LOVE!
Carolyn Christy you are so right. I was raised by narcissistic parents, said NO to their crazy demands and stood up for myself and am paying dearly for it now. A year ago they told my youngest son lies about my husband and I and had been turning him against me for years. Then my narc "father" died and my son and I have a very shaky relationship as a result. I refused to go to the funeral of the man that abused me emotionally and psychologically and he can't understand. We don't get to see our grandchildren. It's so hard. I so agree with you.
My 15 year friendship with a covert narcissist ended nearly two years ago. While we continue to live a few houses apart on the same street. She knows, without a doubt, that once I made the decision to cut her out of my life. Metaphorically I burnt the bridge down, while standing on the opposite side of the river. Which didn't stop her from trying to act nice and neighborly a few times. If she happened to catch me outside, while she was out walking her dogs. Until my husband and I put up no trespassing signs. I started acting like I don't see or hear anymore. I know that allowing her to trap me into having a conversation, will only give her a sense of power. The very power that only she can possess, if I allow it to occur. I have learned that being my old happy go lucky self, makes my ex narcissist friend powerless. It does take a body language expert to realize, that ignoring a narcissist only makes them sieve in anger, more than anything. While I use to feel bad about the situation. In a twisted sense of faith, I now find humor in her nasty know it all disposition. Another thing. She tried turning other neighbors against us. In the process, that has backfired on her big-time. Once she could no longer stir up trouble for my husband and I. She decided to start pulling similar shenanigans with other neighbors. They quickly cut ties with her also. Now the narcissist is attempting damage control with one of her targets. So far it hasn't worked out too well for the narc of the hood. A couple of other neighbors, while there has been no trouble to date, are now on guard when they interact with her. It's simply because we have always tried to be good neighbors and mind our own business. Which happens to be the golden rule, that tends to elude most narcissistic personalities.
Sarah Crain , I also have a narcissistic neighbor that I used to be friends w/; I knew her casually for many years before we moved here. Initially, she & I both were looking forward to being neighbors, but w/in *2 wks* of moving here, I already was starting to see red flags. I immediately started to distance myself from her, which of course made her angry b/c she already had made enemies of her other closest neighbors & was hoping she was going to have “an ally” (I’m quoting her) in me, but that - of course - fell apart. Unlike your ex-friend, she doesn’t try to draw me into conversations, but she retaliates against me in other petty, cowardly ways. I wish TH-cam had a PM function so we could compare notes. Hang in there!!
Really appreciate your videos! I had never become close to a narcissistic person before, and I truly did not even know what it meant to be narcissistic. This has been a long journey of healing and self-realization for me, and you have given me the knowledge of understanding and thus, the confidence and tools to know how to break free. It feels so good!
Thank you Dr Carter...you are such an Inspiration to be level headed, and this does create effective outcomes in this intra/inter-personal War💖 I refused to be quiet and cop blame and was very emotional and loud in PUBLIC (so gross, but had to be). I refused to apologise for THEIR gaslighting, I refused to accept blame for THEIR deluded reality, I refused to be available for narc delight....
You are such a huge part of my continuing journey toward healing, as with so many others on here. You’re an angel Dr. C. I loved this video, it’s just what I needed today. Thank you. I can’t wait to buy your book.
Fantastic video Dr Carter! I’m exactly in this place right now! your videos have been a God send! Trying hard to get out without the big showdown & explosive temper! It’s been a month now without 1 word or look between us! Walking on egg shells, but staying out of his way, hoping to remain intact! Wish me luck! ✅
Kathleen Campbell I hope there’s no murder at all, I’m even trying to avoid eye contact! Haven’t looked at him for over a month now! Just want to live a peaceful life without all the verbal & threats of violent abuse, temper tantrums(mental age of 5) & rage! I’ve done my time(18yrs) just want out in one piece! 🤞🏽
Desert Cat I’m sorting and packing to move...planning to buy a senior condo. But is takes time for me to accomplish that. I’m 73 so I’m slower. Can’t wait for my freedom to be me again ! Most people don’t know what I’ve lived with and known for 31 years. It’s worn me out. Now, only time will get me away from him and alone. Thanks . You are always on spot !
Be careful. When the narc's victim stands up for themselves their rage and intolerance can boil over. I would prepare for the worst in case you have to use the plan
This totally works, especially with a nonviolent Narc. I have been using this "I refuse" thought anytime I see the Narcissist gaslight, push for control, or start a needless argument. It works.
I will get to stating "I refuse to allow..." but right now, at this moment honestly "I ain't got time for that sh*t, those days are over!" 2020 New Era. And thank you Dr, Carter. I appreciate your postings. Enjoy your day xox
I truly appreciate you for your level headed and insightful information on dealing with a narcissist. After several years of surviving through female narcissist abuse, with absolutely no results in my attempts to improve her. I decided to use your I refuse approach. By refusing to give my very self and my life away to someone that doesn't have love, empathy or respect towards me or for all the good I do. I refuse to stay with such a ugly miserable non human! I refuse to waste my life away on such a black hole heartless life ruiner!
#7 I had a conversation with the narcissist. They wanted something from me and I told them that I couldn't do that because it went against what I value and believe. They called me out for it and I responded by saying, "Oh, no thank you. I won't accept that, so I'm handing that back to you." SILENCE
Thank you Dr Carter explaining the Narcissist in a way that I can understand what is going on with them. I did felt like walking on egg shells the whole time I was growing up with my Dad.! We got in many loud shouting matches, which nothing was accomplished. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, and now with a military Narc.
I refuse to allow my narcissist sister to hoover me and my daughters back into her crazy control issues.We all decided to go no contact Jan 29th after experiencing one of too many narcissist rages and enjoy living in peace.
Thanks Dr Carter. It’s really helping me in my journey out of the abusive relationship. It’s hard especially when he is trying his best to get me back under his control.
“I refuse to let my bitterness and resentment keep me tethered to you.” In my efforts to “explain” to them how they hurt me, I am maintaining an unhealthy relationship. I’m not going to change anything with my resentment, I’m certainly not going to change them. I only injure my head by continually banging it against the same wall. I have listened to this video half dozen times and paused after each comment for four or 5 minutes so I am able to absorb each concept. Thanks
Also my favorite one very interesting choice of words the character can not seem to help itself... No matter how it seems they really do feed off you until they can't... In either way it's a spirit.
Setting boundaries once you’re a doormat is hell. Easier to walk away.its like trying to train a coyote to be a lap dog ! Wish I knew all of this 25 yrs ago.
Once you've treated like a doormat, you'll be a doormat forever for them. Running away is the only healthy, safe move you can do.
26 years. And I am so stuck you would think I was Gorilla Glue. But I am not a doormat anymore. Yes I will be the first one to admit I lost myself. But thanks to a very very wonderful woman in Germany. She gave me the ability to feel I am not property. Bless you all. Do not feel sorry for me I have my animals. Those of you that can get out run run run run run run. Bless you all. Since finding this doctor I still felt a little bit of alone on the island. Now I am swimming
@@Lyrielonwind I used the “go F yourself”approach … stop trying to have a relationship with them
I agree! I was getting ready to leave my Narc. Then he FAKED HIS DEATH! So hopefully he will get caught and go to jail!
1) I refuse to allow you to be in charge of my inner stability
2) I refuse to engage in circular arguments with you
3) I refuse to justify my legitimate emotions, needs and interpretations. Even if I don't make sense to you, I make sense to myself.
4) I refuse to make excuses for you, when other people comment about your dysfunctions
5) I refuse to cater to your demands, whims, moods. I'm willing to be cooperative when common sense dictates it, but I refuse to be your lackey.
6) I refuse to cling to bitterness and resentment that tethers me to you
7) I refuse to take the bait when you assume the victims' position due to me just being me. I see your projections of your own junk onto me.
8) I refuse to stay isolated from the people who understand me and know me best. I like being successfully connected.
9) I refuse to cloak myself in your messages of shame and guilt. Who are you to judge my character?
10)I refuse to be wishy-washy in my decisions.
11)I refuse to buy into your false image of smugness and superiority, i find it pitiable that you have to elevate yourself at the expense of so many people
12)I refuse to over-apologize for my mistakes or miscalculations. I will make amends when necessary, but I won't grovel.
I have DIGNITY, FREE WILL & COMPETENCE - I refuse to match pitch with your troubled soul
I learn better when I take notes and am more of a visual learner than auditory, so I thought id post these notes for others who are also. Thanks so much for your kind and wise advice!
Good notes! Dr. C
Thank you for posting these notes. Really helpful. Appreciate it.
Thank you. I will use this. Kind souls like yourself are what narcissus characters exploit. I have learned that! But I also recognize true kindness, now
Sheila Ja thank you
well said. tho good luck communicating that to a narc lol
Refusing to play the game is pure magic. It's like new birth.
The last step towards freedom is to let go of hate and anger.
I have decided - as an adult person - that the narc in my life (my sister) wont get emotional energy from me.
She is not worth it, and I refuse to let her influence me.
She is not even worth contempt.
I am free. I am me.
🎉🎉🎉🎉yes ❤
“ How many times have you engaged with this narcissistic person, and thought to yourself I can’t be my real self?”
All the time.
Be the whipping boy, or get it. Don't be the whipping boy, and get it. When you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you know you're involved with a toxic person. It's hell. Stay away.
For 17 months I kept saying to myself "I'm sick of being her whipping boy". After 17 months of being my wife's emotional punching bag I left. You literally have to subjugate yourself to gain their approval and that is simply not living your own authentic life. So it's www.getridof.com
Charlie Rogers, I'm trying to understand what you're saying. I hope you aren't twisting Anonymous Anomoly's comments against him just because it appears that he is a man. If so, your comment has no place here. I would make a much harsher comment, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.
Okay, so I see that Charlie Rogers' comment has been deleted. Good.
Was raised by two.
When dealing with a narcissist, the only winning move is.... not to play.
When dealing with a narcissist, the only winning move is.... not to play.
"War Games!"
@@jackilynpyzocha662 You got it.
I said straight to his face, "I refuse to be defined by your projection of what you hate about yourself."
"You hate me, because you hate everyone, because you hate yourself."
His jaw dropped in what appeared to be pure astonishment, and I walked out of the room. Twenty minutes later I got an apology. A weak, "I'm sorry I made you upset," but an apology nonetheless.
Thanks, for giving me back myself, Doc.
@@usa4287 Ts day one of No Contact. Oh my god, there is actual physical symptoms of anxiety... this is hell. Why is this hell? I'm free of him, why is it so painful!!! It's like resisting the urge to smoke a cigarette!!
If he apologized, then he is a narc that can be worked with .....my narc would NEVER consider "I'm sorry"...even when he broke bones. He just said, "you must have bones". No remorse whatsoever.
@Deplorable Cat six months free
@@MediaEnslavedNation AWESOME!!! I'm currently feeling anxiety about simply replying to mine's text. This has been my sign that I'm not crazy. I get anxious 2 hrs before it's time for him to get home. I am not anxious by nature or tempermant. The consistency of this feeling (as well as the INSANE way the behaviors I see are textbook-every video, every article, every comment rings true). I have decided I am not living like this anymore. (As I hear him talk about "decisiveness" in the video!)
@@laurenlochamybatson8159 You are strong enough to handle this. If you need a quick calming boost youtube search emdr and look for the one with green ball. use headphones and track the ball with your eyes for 15 minutes. It's just a quick fix but as long as you are still within the situation, it'll really help.
I agree with them all but as soon as I'm with a narcissist person my whole body gets drained and shuts down
Thanks Mary
:)
Mary Elizabeth Diercks I can relate. My parents used to “kryptonite” me also. If at all possible, get as little to no contact as you can. Even if it’s temporary. I saw that it was a lot like being on a merry go round. When you first get off, you’re still very dizzy and nauseous and can’t find your bearings and feel just awful. You need time to get your feet on the ground and get settled a bit on the inside before you ever have to start dealing with one again. And build yourself back up, like as with these vids and find support of some other kind if possible. Staying connected in some way with people who “get it.” Of course, it’s best just to leave them high and dry forever, but I know it’s not always possible to do that. At a bare minimum, and if at all possible, I’d take some months without them in my life at all. It made a world of difference for me to do that, as in my case just leaving them high and dry forever wasn’t an option I had at the time.
Liam lll Practice... it’ll get better.
theyre life suckers alright.
I know the feeling. I'm glad I'm not the only one
As a scapegoat from childhood, I have never learned to "be allowed to" refuse anything. Finally someone who teaches me how to do this with examples! Great, and thank you very much!
mdmmalou it’s terrible that ravenous wolf in the family but I’m 41 but I know the Creator is on your side. The Creator teaches us who we really are too realize we are not robots . The Creator brings the Dark to light🙌🔥. Through people like escape goats
Scapegoat here too. Sixty-eight years old and still emotionally pinned down from it. At least I have some truth and validation, at last. Ditto, thank you for your sessions!
@@stephaniedouglas2020hi, Thank you for your comment. The word escapegoat that's sounds good! 😃
@@verihatrust7288 I understand and im sorry for you. It has such a huge impact on the rest of your life, if you've been raised by horreble parent(s). They are sadistic bully's in so many ways, and enjoy the grief of the scapegoat
I escaped when I was 38 y. And never saw her again. I'm 62 now, and its a releave that theres so much knowlege and support over the world. Thats beautiful and helps me a lot. Thank you Veriha and all of you..
mdmmalou thank you so so so much for sharing, validating. Love you.
I finally had to do the permanent “I refuse”, as in no contact.
No contact panics them! They will even call you if they don’t hear anything from you for sometime! We know the tricks
My mum texted me and after like she had done nothing wrong. She even offered to buy me a box of tomatoes selling cheap so I could make and bottle a sauce from it. I didn't recognise the number because I had deleted it a while ago and had to ask who it was. When I realised who it was I ended the conversation firmly with a no about the tomatoes and I haven't heard from her since. She keeps on trying to get to me through my kids though.
Me too!
I'm so glad for you. I'm 2 weeks tomorrow of No Contact. I still find it hard but every video of Dr. Carter's that I watch makes it easier
They suck all of the energy out of the room, but when we remain stable, they can no longer do that because our powerful, positive energy will prevail over theirs. Dr. Carter, you are one of the best on TH-cam. Thank you so much!
Not one of the best..THEE BEST!!!!
EVERY NARCISSISTS NIGHTMARE!
🌟
I second THEE BEST!
Breakthrough Moment That is so true. I’ll take it a little further. They drain the energy out of your soul. My closest family were narcs. Including my daughter. I have a disability. Well that made me chronically inferior.. The team spirit made me very sick. Drawing a line with even the closest member was a matter of life or death.
Trinny O'Neill This really touched me and I feel for you. Coincidentally, that could have been me writing your comment. I also have a disability and what I’ve always believed to be a narcissistic daughter. Just when I see some light at the end of the tunnel (they really suck you dry when they want something), something always backfires on me. I’m kind of now used to the pattern of overindulging her needs and then getting the “kick“ for it. They only act decent when they need something. Like you, I have two narc parents (divorced since I was 10), now we’re all seniors and I live with my narc mom and for Mother’s Day my narc dad will be visiting from out of town!! Oh, brother, I’m in for something! I like how you phrased it, “The team spirit.” I call it being mobbed out by your nearest and dearest. Indeed, it’s a very sick and negative group dynamic. On Mother’s Day, my dad is going to be expecting to be waited on hand over fist and is only visiting to get his narc supply. We cook, drive him around and do everything for him and then he returns the hospitality with rude and belligerent insults. Sandwiched between both narc parents over the weekend is going to be excruciating. When I’m alone with my covert narc mother, we stay pretty much out of each other’s hair, other than the encounters in the common areas and to have meals together, which almost invariably seem to end with me on the receiving end of her crazy-making, passive-aggressive antics. I know what you mean by drawing the line, which sets us up for being guilt-tripped and shamed for not wanting to put up with their garbage. I’m sorry you also had to deal with family-of-origin issues. Sorry for the long diatribe, but it rang similarly true.
I like the notion of narcissists as being 'troubled souls'. I call them 'unquiet spirits' and whereas I may feel empathy for them I do not have or need to bring them into my life or circle of influence. I am not responsible for fixing them and let them go on their way to find others more willing to assist them.
Yes true. Another expression would be a "reprobate mind".
When you decide to take your path to a healthier life the consequences can be ugly. Depending on your narc it can range from name-calling and a smear campaign (count on that) to needing to find a safe place to hide for a while. Best piece of advice I got was to move everything of value to me (financial papers, licenses, certificates, titles/deeds, bank statements, tax returns, copies of his and your identification, pictures, etc.) to a place totally not accessible to him. You are going to need it. And start documenting behavior. And remember if you go back you may not get another chance to leave. Watch Dr Carter every day for your "I can do this" fix. And tell your supportive friends and family about this channel. Dr Carter can explain things in a way that is easily understood. This mess was not your making. You were suckered and conned by an expert. Your only crime was to be nice. I had a lot of stuff to lose and the narc made sure I lost it all. What I gained is peace and self-respect... an a good night's sleep.
Well said! They will go after everything of value to you.
Agree. Unfortunately my narc stepmother is now 98 and still in control of the inherences and finances. She has punished me severely for my pushing back on her and exposing her.
They consider you to be their property forever. I escaped from my narcissist ex husband 25 years ago. I have nothing to do with him. Life is so much better but he keeps attacking me through our children. Three of my four children hate me because of his lies. All of can do is pray and have patience. It won't be like this forever.
@@janebeville7446 Hopefully your children will see through him eventually.
So true!
You save one female and 4 children from Narcissist cycle that's mean I will teach 4 children how to deal with all the narcissists that they are going to meet them in their life and how to move out from abusive realtionship 🤩🤩🤩
I'm 40+ years attached to a narc since teenagers and I think it's best to educate children how to RECOGNIZE narc behaviors so awareness before committed to lifelong relationships.
I learned the hard way...you feel sorry for narcissist but you really just get caught in their trap if you try to help them. Cause they only want to control you and they make you think your unable to live your own life or think good thoughts for yourself.
you are helping a lot of people.
GOOD FOR U !!!!!
THANK YOU
@@richergeneau8267 I have a long hard story 12 years with a malignant narcissist and he destroyed me...but I got away and reinvented myself. Took good people to show me I wasn't just a piece of dirt on my narcissist shoe...I like being good human being lol ..today I don't tolerate any abuse towards me or others if within my power to help.
This is like your Declaration of Independence from the narcissist in your life or narcissist’s.
How can i even tell my 93 yr old mom.no phone no mail.i need someone to mail her a book or something.shes gonna v
Be killed by her grandaughter from prison.isolated.doesnt understand.i cant get through to My best fruend b4 she dies.no contact for a yr! Pls pls help me!!!!
When dealing with a narcissist, the only winning move is.... not to play.
I call that the "NO!" approach. I also have told them "Go to hell." and "I am not going to let you bend me out of shape."
Active resistance like that sure throws them into a rage.
Steven Deshazo I used to give them the finger or just say FU and it really set them off. 😂 I’m much cooler now, but I really don’t regret it. And at times I look back and say, dang I really did have a lot of spunk left in me, even if they had tried to kill my spark. It was just where I was at the time tho and maybe it needed to happen that way first so I could finally get to where I am today-which is being indifferent and living my life and IDGAF what they want to say or do anymore.
Being with them means I have to “pretend” I like them, “pretend” we are getting along..even “pretend” I am happy to be with them.
I always feel better after watching your videos ...thank you 😍
Me too! He's great 🤗
Yeasss!
He is like a huge healing balm. When I feel like an anxiety attack is starting I put on another of his videos. Just hearing his calm voice and kind face, immediately set me right.
This is pure gold!
Setting boundaries with dignity.
Looking back on my childhood, I realize that I always had an emotional detachment from my narc mother which allowed me to be less damaged and controlled by her. She always projected her disfunction onto me, but for some reason, I figured out at a young age that she was wrong about me and really just blamed me for her own mistakes.
Dr Carter it worked! I showed up today the best version of my truest self with all my competencies forward and guess what happened? Something amazing. The NARC fled. Actually fled the scene. Not even one word was spoken by me. I know we only have today, but today it worked and my brother and I finally had some peace as the NARC self discarded.
Gold star! May this be a lesson for all. Dr. C
Dr. Carter,
Thank you so much for your clear, level headed talks. They help immensely, especially when I'm feeling weak or doubtful. I think scapegoated people have a difficult time truly believing in themselves after so many years of abuse.
Yes, agreed. Fellow former scapegoat here.
Amen! Even after all these years I still have times when I don't bet in myself. I become that battered wife again. No more!
You are not alone. We are with you. Reach out if you need to talk, or just to vent.
I agree!
Scapegoats unite. We are stronger than we think. 💖
It doesn’t matter with some people. Even if you play their game, they don’t like you because they SENSE your individualism and want you to be exactly like them. It’s not enough to stay away; they want you to buy into their RIGHTNESS!
Good action advice. I spent so much time trying to understand my narc that I neglected my own understanding. Being what I was thinking was being "considerate" and turning the other cheek kept me confused and immobilized. When I began to take action ("I refuse"), I was on my way to liberation.
joyce andrews I have done the same thing. After 6 years of abuse, I’m finally claiming my dignity back.
we were doormats that isn't what God wants for you. free will is power.
Thanks for your comment. It gave me food for thought.
Absolutely! It's been years worth of abuse from my covert narcissist MIL against my children and myself. I refuse to put up with it anymore. If my husband and FIL will not do their jobs and protect us, then I will have to do it for them. I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner.
Great video, and great food for thought. My initial thought is that standing up to a narcissist will often amp up their anger, shaming, control, manipulation, revenge, violence, and blaming to an uncontrollable level.
I once stood up to my covert narcissist, and the moment I my back turned, she picked up an antique Coleman camp heater, and with a full body swing, hit me with it. The heater landed in the nape of my neck, and an inch higher, I believe it could have killed me. The impact literally knocked the wind out of me.
Another time, she destroyed the remote key fob on my Chevy, in s rage fit. Yet another time, she hit me so hard with a green Libman brand broom that I thought I was going to pass out.
Be careful folks...if you have a rage centered narcissist, take caution.
Oh my gosh! I am so sorry this happened to you. Yes, narcs. can becone very violent toward you, because of the type of person you are. They despise and hate you, because of the type of person you are. I believe in a fit of rage they are even capable of murder, but they are cowardscand would no it contact 911, but instead would dispose of the body, due repercussions of being charged for murder.
A person who shows you such violence that they are a danger to your life is just not worth entertaining . I hope you have managed to break free xx
I hope you can get away from that person, they sound very violent and dangerous.
Instead of "ditch" i say "I'm not going down that rabbit hole with you again." Just Look what it did to Alice.
Lol!!!😂😂😂
That will be my favorite quote from now on.!
😄😄😄😄😄
What happened to Alice in the rabbit hole?
AGREED!!!
i have done some of the "I refuse" things you have mentioned.
1.i refuse to continue to argue with a 3yr old or I refuse to continue to explain that I am NOT the person you want to make me.2. I refuse to be your whipping post.
This is good info Doc. people must take back the power, the dignity. A narcissist must be "shut down ".Do not buy into the narcs program. rebel, reject all the negativity.
I told someone who is a narc who I thought was a friend that I refused to be their emotional punching bag. They then tried to gaslight me so I calmly told them they had violated a boundary and we were done. I blocked and deleted them. Glad I learned the truth of who they really were.
Dr. Carter is so right about refusing to participate in the behavior and acknowledging your right to say no. In my case, I've found that telling a narcissist no often brings out the worst. I played a "don't rock the boat" game with them. When that changed, they didn't sit by quietly. All forms of Co-dependency with the narcissist needs to end before your foot can be put down and say, "Enough is enough." If they have any leverage over you, it will often be used to its fullest potential. This leverage can be material things or emotional.
The leverage can also be money/dependence.
Izzysmom especially with parents. Mine sent pictures of my ss # to my uncle who sells ss numbers and his prostitute wife....now I can’t even leave and get an appartment
When you said "lackey," I stopped the video and commented. I told my 90-year-old mother that I was not going to be my sister's lackey. That was a week ago. I see ALL of your warning signs in her, and, although we are family, I cannot and will not allow anyone to treat me so dismissively, accusingly, and dictatorially. Now I see that inner hurt child you mentioned in a different video. She may never see what she is, or how she is, but that doesn't mean I can't. Thank you for explaining and illuminating.
This is so good Dr. Carter but I will say that it is easier said than done especially if the relationship has been ongoing for many years. This person does not like his world disrupted and any hint of it causes rage and a torrent of trouble. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone against such venom.
Yes, it easier said than done. Let's agree that it's worth the effort! Dr. C
Yes it does but what's your alternative?
Put this thread in your favorites, bookmark it, whatever just so it is easy to access. When you need encouragement come back to it. We are all still here and I think a lot of us pray for each other a lot even though we don't know names or particulars. You are NOT alone! And chances are more people know what is going on than you think. They just don't know how to let you know without embarrassing you or putting you in danger. It is worth the effort!
@@janebeville7446 Maybe you still see a chance to leave this person? I
@@carolynchristy Thank you. You are so right. I pray each day for the dear people that are bravely navigating each day with the narcissist that is in their lives. Thanks for the reminder that as I pray for others they are praying for me.
CAN"T Change a narcissist. but i'm still responsible for me" SPOT ON. I wrote that down. I'm starting to take notes on your videos. it gets so confusing with these people. I need a few simple phrases like this to stay centered and on track like this one. thank you dr. GREAT VIDEO
Words, Words...Yes, with my Adult daughter Narc, my Life has become a Verbal Obstacle Course... It's hard to Know what's Actually being talked about, she changes subject SO Often, and so fast and Shrill.
Its simple once you understand who they are.
They want to be center of attention
They will not allow you to grow so that they are only one remaining with some sort of achievement.
there's an evil person in them which you should avoid and stay away from and (always keep the mask) wont work because they can spot you from a mile because they are looking for vulnerable people but when you know what vulnerability is then they can't touch you.If they attack you then just expose them about what they are doing to you if infront of people then is better.They dont want their image to get tainted.I feel i can see through every single one of them.All of them have the same goal= Attention but they differ in how they act.
Carrie Red. It's impossible to have a civilized conversation with a narcissist. From the get go it becomes a toxic game of one up manship and they're relentless in always having the upper hand. You can forget trying to get your valid points across because in their opinion (the only one that matters to a narc) you're not allowed to participate in what devolves into a monologue where your job is to nod your head and do as you're told. That has been my experience with the narcissist in my family circle. I limit my time around her to the absolute minimum.
We need to detach from temptation to rescue or seek narc approval. Avoid bitterness but forgiveness is not saying “its ok to keep treating me bad” One way to say no is “Thanks for asking but.. no “
the narc always wanted to get me to go with him places so he could dominate me..I refused over and over for eight months..I stared at him as he hovered me and he finally stopped his nonsense. I got the power and he looked like he got punched!
Chad Andrews 👍👍👍
Great statement about narc! Thanks
I give in because not to do so is EXPLOSIVE. Screaming, name calling and the petty revenges.
Georgia Fain Leave.
It is scary and takes guts to leave
.especially if you have children..you have to decide whether you want to be a whipping post or want your children to suffer..you are stronger than you think and you can survive...no part of life is easy..but your life is valuable...I left and raised two children ..we did with out a lot of things..but we made it ..and the lessons we learned in the process was worth it...it took 5 years of counseling for me to be able to trust myself and my decisions....but I became someone I liked not someone I was ashamed of
This something I could use help on. To refuse a mean spirited narc could be a battlefield covered in broken shards of glass. Tread very lightly. Help us through the maze, Dr. Carter.
@@piavmes Hey Pam, I have had my share of some.of that. It's a no win situation. Three options would be make amends with the worm to not have bad blood at the office so it's not a job killer. Or go to admin/human resources and.ask their thoughts on how.to handle this without damaging you. Go to whistle blower/ budget GAO and let them know what is unethical and your questions about job security or anything that compromise the mission or budget at hand.
I would leave what you could behind you and look for suitable employment else.where. even if things were perfect.at the current location, sometimes you just can't get the " stink" out or the morale is just too low with the others to change the environment.
When a door closes,.build a new damn building! Stay strong Pam. Please get a open letter of recommendation from a current peer, to use as a reference or Ally.
@@piavmes I am sorry Pam. Best wishes.
Sherri M
Thanks for the poetic true words!
Pam, at this point making amends would be both wasted energy & hope. People, like this, love the fact that they control & continue to haunt you & your life.
Please consider watching, reading, and learning how to go after justice by joining us at Kirk’s Law Corner. There should be a FB Live at 8:30 pm this evening / Friday. It’s not a “Narc group”, but a group of Patriots learning how our Republic is supposed to operate and our actual rights as the people. Mind you, Narc behaviors have dominated the areas of our lives, including the public parts, which end up a waste of money & energy to try to get relief in our present court system.
It sounds like you could “Remonstrate” your work problems related to this person/official, to right the horrible wrongs and to free up your future.
You said it, Sherri.
Les, you have NO idea how much your videos help me to deal with my narcissist.
He called me up and tried to slither back into my life. When I didn't respond the way he wanted me to, he started right back on the insults, and blame. I told him straight away, I'm going to hang up on you now. It's almost as if he was on the "how to BE a narcissist" website! I don't like to be like this, I was even going to offer my help to him after his surgery. Alas, I fear that helping him, will send the wrong message and result in my own humiliation.
I refuse to allow him to use me as fuel ever again.
Exactly. At some point you have to come to terms with the fact that he is what he is and you can't be the hero. Dr. C
Wish I could send this video twenty years back in time to my younger self.
Of course the problem is that if you approach one of these people in the ways described, they will typically say "That all sounds good, but what are you talking about? You must be imagining things if you think I'm doing this to you."
Dr. Carter, exactly what I have gone through with my sister for years. Last year I would not grovel to my sister so was told I would be cut off from the family. She ended
up coming round...and I went back again.. Just 2 weeks ago I caught her in a lie about me and when I called her on it there was an enormous explosion ofcourse. As usual she shut me down. I thought about it for a few weeks and said NO, she wont push me down again and confronted her via text...safer for me. Another vicious attack ensued and like you said started putting blame on me for exactly what she does as usual. She told me our relationship was over. Goodbye for good. I am the only creative, sensitive one in our family and have always been the scapegoat. She has turned my 5 nieces against me, and you are right...she wants to control every family event so she can say yes I can come or no. I am older, divorced with no children, and it is cruel to hear about the things I have been left out of....they always find a wsy to slip it in. Always holidays, birthday events. So I no longer have any family, but it was too high a price to pay. Thank you for your videos. They have really helped me through this. And I will not be going back this time. I am done.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Better no family at all than a wicked one...
My brother did the same, raging violently and abusive, I tried to communicate by text, but his hateful critical reply made me realize I'm always the doormat. Like you, I've had to distance myself, but it's the children who suffer. He has told his version of events to all who'll listen, and as we were alone, is outright lying because there were no witnesses to his behavior.
I really love the, “I refuse” response! Once again, thank you for your help! 🙏🏻💕
Yes!! 🙂. I refuse as well!
Me too, but i also like the part about always trying to be the best version of ourselves (which i suppose you anyway never have any problem with😍).
When dealing with a narcissist, the only winning move is.... not to play.
Great advice but boundaries must be lived and not spoken with a narcissist. As brilliant as these are, never give a narcissist a bullet list of weaknesses to target, rest assured they will be targeted aggressively.
If you tell a narc you won't play their games anymore, then you are playing their game. Always make your reason for not playing inarguable. "Sorry I can't tonight, I have syphilis."
😂😂
LOL
Thank you!!!! This is so important. I was baited for years, but remained silent, but now my silence has more to do with me being free from them than it did before as a way of preventing trouble. I no longer feel a need to "have my say", God will defend me if I need defending.
Not me, I now speak up each and every time with my narc. I call out out every gaslight including my new realizations for things that happened in the past. I call out the childish temper tantrums. I call out the attempts to undermine me with other people behind my back. I call out the narc self focused conversations that don't acknowledge or value anything I said. I am no longer silent or accommodating about anything with this narc and I make sure to always start with "Only a narcissist would say/do xxx". No way will I ever again in life let this narc be stronger than me 💪
At the end of the video, you said that when the Narcissist continues to come after you, we’re dealing with a troubled soul. They are troubled, but they prey on our easy to give compassion & sympathy.
* “They will continue to come after &/or engage an available target.”
Make your kind, normal self unavailable to engaging with the Narc’s covert & strategic ways.
“I’m not engaging” is a helpful, “internal mental loop” to play when they attempt to engage you.
They are troubled but not in a way they would have self-awareness about it. The bible calls this a *reprobate mind* (Romans 1:28-32) ☝
Your videos really DO resonate...am just starting to (covertly) pack my things after nearly 20 years of marriage.
People - you are NOT to blame for everything, and you CAN awaken your old self.
It’s an ongoing thing...
Stay strong and do it! There will be repercussions and/or they will turn on the charm. I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. I had some false starts but finally got away by moving across country. Counseling is helpful to get them out of your head. You're a strong and courageous person who deserves better!
Sending many positive thoughts and prayers your way Rebecca! Stay strong and rally on...you CAN do this! Here's to a beautiful life ahead of you!
Almost 30 yrs. Here .. I'm in the process of pack up the things I want and sneaking them out the door to storage then soon to my own place ...
Wow ladies 23 years for me. I am trying to get motivated to do it. In the process of loosing myself I developed a shopping addiction and am so behind my house is a cluttered mess. I am kind of frozen I guess. Last child nearly out the door amd was waiting for her to be independent. It's not easy when you live at a working family business (farm ) surrounded by all the family. So I have a lot to do. My confidant (best friend of 30 years) took her own life a couple of years ago sending me into depression. Now I find my narc has been addicted to porn and a disgusting sort too he has been hiding. I feel degraded as well as for my daughters. So many secrets I have had to keep for so many years. I am tired.
It's hard, isn't it, when you have put a lot of time and effort into a relationship, in my case, the best years of my life in terms of age. I wish I had woken up earlier. I kept hoping things would improve. Hopefully, the last 20 years of my life will be easier, even if alone. I could have stayed and put my foot down, with hindsight, but they are so devious, you sometimes don't know what they are thinking or doing. Feels good to write this.
The "I Refuse" Approach, #13) "I'm living my best life..I ain't going back and forth with you narcissist." lol Thanks for the good ideas doc. Keep them coming.
Hello there Dr. Carter. Thank you for your channels. I am grateful for all of the help and the clarity when you break down how the Narcissist go into rage when you say NO to them. That is the way mine was. Bye, Bye to him once I saw where it was going. I am doing no contact with him for the last 30 days. Amen
Katrina Assoumou good luck Katrina!!👍😃 I wish you so many blessings and happiness❤️
..... mine is my mother, I moved to a different state to get away form her in 2010. BEST decision of my life🙏
Stay strong. Sending U love & positive energy for the healing progress!
Thank you and stay blessed and strong. Amen
It sounds great but I find myself so scared to be that sting. How long did it take you, if you don’t mind sharing that
Good for you I myself will be starting that journey of leaving him. And breath a breath of fresh air ...
It's powerful to remember I refuse to react to your whims when the eventual hoovering starts from the narc after no-contact; Even more powerful is remembering you have competence which the narc broadcasts the opposite is true behind your back. My favorite is rejecting their smugness and imperious nature.
You have dignity; live into it. You have competence, a skill set; stand in it.
Thank you Dr. Carter!❤❤❤
Back in college I had a crush on this classmate. She was crazy-pretty, really popular with faculty and I found it really easy to talk and joke with her. After a few months things started to smell off. I didn't know until recently about being "supply" but thats what I was doing for her. I asked her about what was going on. She lied and smiled as though she was really concerned. They were lies that were easy for a dull person to pick up on. There is a solid line I've had my entire adult life, which is about manipulation and lying; its pungent. I walked away from the conversation after about 10 minutes of her shoveling without me saying goodbye. I had enough. There was nothing to say to someone who would lie that profusely and non-sensically.
It was very soon after that I started hearing from people in the department (Psychology dept no less) that I attempted to kill her at noon in the loby of the psych dept on a school day with dozens and dozens of people milling around. In spite of the rediculousness of the claim, that scared me deeply as 1) that's really serious, 2) In the social sciences there was (and is more so now) androny (hatred of men) and the atmosphere in the dept. was ripe with it. 3) any accusation was equivelant to group-think passing down a verdict and 4) I was (and still am) and introvert while she was an outgoing, attractive person popular with faculty, which to me meant that whatever I had to say was worthless in the social realm.
So what's the point of the story? There may be a cost to refuse feeding the person what they expect. Would I do it again? I have just enough self-respect to not sit with that behavior without having a say in HOW I respond.
It was expensive. I still feel anxiety writting this because of the intense politcally, gender-charged atmosphere and the shock of hearing what I "did to her." from people that I liked.
And YES, I would do it again.
BUT be prepared for the exchange: I payed a social cost for my actions. In return I WILL recieve some personal integrity. The stress from the action may FEEL like it outweighs the potential benifits. Like getting a bullet removed, the surgery hurts a lot in the inital aftermath but in the coming months the healing slowly moves from the accute stage to recovery stage.
What are you tired of?
What would it be like not having that toxic person's judgmental input?
Will you remember to breathe while contemplating your choices in this matter?
Wow, your depth of understanding where you have BEEN is admirable & will also hope & pray that (I as well) you have enough years left to ENJOY what our childhood DIDN'T!
These videos are so helpful! I post them on my Facebook hoping my daughter will see them, somehow. She's married to a narcissist and he has forbidden contact with me or any of her family, friends. I raised her to be an independent woman. Her dad is also a narcissist. It's like she married her dad
Keep posting...and thanks. Dr. C
Jane, this is curious. My father was a hard core covert narc and I would swear I would never ever want to marry someone like him. And I DIDN'T. ☝
Such a fantastic list! I wish I'd had the knowledge, foresight, sheer guts years ago to stand on my beliefs - & to not buy-into arguing with my husband, which made me look bad. He put me down constantly so I finally lost all self-esteem/confidence & became an empty person, silent, isolated & lonely. A year along after locking him out & I'm starting to see flickers of light. Just starting a goal-journal, working on self-love statements, pictures of how "happy" looks; & remembering little things that I really was good at, that he took away from me over 13yrs. Slowly I gave him everythg. Now I'm seeing life differently & realise I did hv a choice, I was just under his covert manipulation to "stay silent" & accept things. Now I'm planning a bright & sunny future, starting today. Tks to u & ur kind way of speaking which resonates deeply with me. Tks so much, from NZ. 😎
I hope things work out for you. From another kiwi xx
# 13. I refuse to step onto someone elses crap again and have to carry it around on my path till it wears off. Sry Dr C. Couldnt help myself.
You get a pass on that one, Brad, since you at least attempted to be a bit diplomatic, if you get my drift. Dr. C
I love it! 😂 And I’m also no longer down for injecting their poison into my veins and suffering the whole time that mess works its way through and out of my system.
I cant tell you how helpful these are, they have literally set me free from my own internal conversations after severe abuse from a person who I loved deeply but who has gotten more and more abusive until finally it was enough....you answer my questions as to what happened. I only wish I'd known this 20 years ago. I would have walked away without a second thought.
God bless you brother in Jesus💙🙏💙 "I refuse to match pitch with a trouble soul" amen!
You've no idea how much this has helped me if only to realise I wasn't going mad when I was dealing with a narcissist.
Your insight has brought me life when I thought I was hopelessly dead.
As soon as I hear disapproval and negative judgment, my heart falls to the floor, I feel heat rising up in me and then I feel like I have to defend myself to keep from being a victim.These refusals actually makes me feel empowered and hopeful. Thank you!
These videos are so helpful. There is so much power in two letters: NO. It's hard to say that word at first but healthy people have to learn to use it.
OMG, this describes the family I am living near. They have sucked the joy of life out of me. I am looking to find a counselor as I cannot get myself out of this hole by myself. I am beaten down. I will watch this a few more times, it gives me some hope. Thank you.
I just realized why I prefer your help over the others
The others use dramatics to describe the Narcissist, they speak in absolutes where the Narc is concerned and I dont trust their judgement amd opinions.
You on the othergand are very level heades, you clearly plan your talks. You are rambling and babbling on with your personal opinions. You are professional and seem kind. hearted. Good work!
I wish I had found you and your exactly on point analysis before or at least when I got caught in the destructive relationship. I am totally no contact and healing. I got to the point I did not recognize myself as I was when I met her. I never would have thought I would be such as I became. I have never been used in my life such as she did to me. It will never happen again. It would take a book to list all the things that occurred. You can’t fix them. I was married to a women that I loved with all that I was. I came home from work one day and she hit me with a divorce. I had no idea it was coming. I found out she was already with another guy, and married him in less than three months. That situation tore me down. About a year later I meet the narcissist. I think I was still grieving over the divorce and was
ripe for the love bombing she put on me. I have learned some hard lessons.
Have you watched Lisa A Romano? She is a life coach who trained herself out of co-dependency, but even after she knew what the problem was, her mind’s Program was still pulling her back to narc types. It takes Much consistency and repetition in childhood for us to become programmed this way - (to become willing caretakers and lackeys for narcs.) Therefore it takes the same amount of Consistent Repetition and Conscious Effort to finally break out of that program and replace it with healthy, self-caring alternatives in life.
I just love listening to your kind, gentle voice!!!
After years of narcissistic abuse, I finally refused a demand. My now ex wife of 32 years walked out a month later. Thank you Dr. Carter, this is so spot-on to what I was going through. Your words here mean more than I can possibly express.
I turn up the videos in my speaker phone. The Doctors voice is very comforting while I'm dealing with a depressing stalking problem. The guy wants to stay in control and wants me to know he sees everything with hidden cameras , ect . I keep everything neat and organized so I know if someone has been prowling through my stuff or testing me to see how observant or if I noticed something moved or taken. He moved a paintbrush from it's holder and laid it on the floor in front of a book he pushed out of the shelf ..The book was about relocating and was sitting next to a book from the library on how to stop stalking. He expects honesty yet there is not a honesty bone in his body.....very sneaky , controlling and devious. He thinks I don't recognize him , following me at stores with a cap pulled low over his face . I hate being treated like an animal .....being stalked ....hunted. BTW my dog let me know where he had been standing in the room by urinating on the area in front of me . I cleaned it up and scolded my dog for making the mess. But as I was cleaning it up....I noticed my best watercolor brush laying on the floor below the moved book. In a sense my dog was notifying me of where this man was in my home while I was gone..I was in the ER being treated for uncontrolled High Blood pressure that didn't start till all this stalking started in my life. If they could only be upfront and honest about their stalking and cybercrimes.....I would forgive them. It's been like a Hitchcock horror movie , draining me . Sometimes I feel like the only privacy I'll ever get back again is.... when I'm dead .
Thank God .I will go to my death fearing him but not God. He THINKS he sees everything .....God ,the Angels DO see everything....so does my dog.
Yep ... *ALWAYS believe the DOG* ! You need to get your own hidden cameras. Or seriously, can you hire a private investigator? If he is tailing you, have someone tail him. Build chain of evidence just in case.
Get a restraining order.
My heart softens and my mind opens just a little bit after listening to you! Thank you,
from your words to God's ear, or vice versa!❤
You've helped me so Much Dr Carter.
Being exposed to a Narcissistic mother and sister crippled me with Anxiety all my life until I finally went no contact. Thank You So Much for your Sharing
So pleased! Dr. C
Virgo Girl; Deliverance! You freed yourself from these emotional vampires. I'm applauding you.
@@zeebee9356 thank You💙
Your videos are more than helpful, they are saving my sanity. I talked with you before about a boy I adopted who is now 13 he has been diagnosed with ODD, I have him working with 3 counselors every week for 6 months, they are convinced they can change him. He has all the qualities of a covert narcissist. He has been in counseling since 5 and nothing has worked except he is getting better at his craft. He is a bee charmer and intelligent. When he is around me my energy drains that most of the time I stay outside just to stay happy. He enjoys me sad or mad. I try very hard to stay grey rock almost impossible. He will “accidentally “ break something my mom gave to me just to see me sad. I have 5 more years until he is 18, so yes your videos are saving people like me . Thank you 🙏
Dear friend please excuse my bluntness but I will be honest: I very much assume you have yourself created a "victim" narc by having him put into counseling from 5 years on. Of course, over time his manipulation skills have greatly improved, together with the increasing numbers of (useless) counselors in the 8th year now. I guess if you perhaps would have spent your money into some hockey, chess or guitar lessons you would have invested better. Sorry to say that. In addition you seem to be single parent? A female with male child is always problematic without a father figure. I have a son myself and it was at times very distressful to get through to him because my female thinking and emotion is not compatible to a boy (and I'm also married!). My suggestion to you would be to (again please apologize the term used) get him some "real life lessons" in some work camp among boys / male (!) supervisors or like some navy academy or survival outback training or also social work you know what I mean? Real tough guys around, nothing to complain, manipulate and whine about. He must experience something like this life is not a bed of roses, and if you have now spoiled him into a narc by counseling having just 5 years left you should quickly turn the steer around to get him a useful member of society and not some lifelong parasite narc. Wishing you the very best, I would also seek professional youth care (kind of street worker) but NOT some "counselors" again! Cut them all off, they are just deteriorating your problem! Much love to you, take care... 💝🙏
This is a wonderful video. I have decided to refuse to participate in my mother’s predictable criticisms and complaints. I use to get very angry at her. I now understand that she receives supply from my anger and distress. It’s amazing how she never accepts responsibility for anything and continues to bring up events that occurred decades ago.
The advice to refuse to become bitter was spot on.
Narcissist are clueless as to how mentally unhealthy they are and cannot be reasoned with.
So true! It was a real awakening for me to finally figure out that the narcissist was actually thrilled with an angry reaction. It gave that person "supply." As in -- any attention at all (even negative attention) is better than being ignored. That was when I started ignoring the person who was baiting me. They really don't like that.
I dont believe they are clueless. If they get pleasure out of ithers heartache that is simply manipulatuve snd evil. People need to stop making excuses for these souless humanoids.
I wish I knew how to heal their troubled soul...
It is so very very sad how am I narcissist treats me..
All I've ever given with kindness sweetness and love...
All I get in return is disrespect
@@phylvalen9991
Thank you sweetheart XOXO nothing has changed!
I am keeping my distance... Nothing helped... So I have blocked the narcissist in my life!
Thank you so much for your kind words!!
I have good days and bad days... I hope you are doing well XOXO
@@phylvalen9991 .
My heart hurts for you XOXO these evil narcissistic people are so wicked... They take our love and give us heartbreak in place of what we have given them!
Going to this barbecue on Sunday sounds like it's going to be traumatic... If you start today saying that you're feeling sick... And then update it every now and then about how much worse you are getting...
I know this is deceptive but this could be a way that you would not have to get in the car with him and go to the barbecue..
I wish there was someone who could help you escape!
So many people are living with mental emotional and physical abuse... I will keep you in my prayers XOXO
@@phylvalen9991
I am so happy that things are going so well XOXO I am doing fine physically... But tears fall out of my eyes because I am sad most of the time!
I tried to stay positive and upbeat!! God bless you XOXO
My half-sister has become so narcissistic, I blocked her on WhatsApp, because I don‘t want to be available anymore for her passive-aggressive communication.
Some ppl are plain negativity unless they are in a shallow social structure where they get attention and praise, which is the only thing to them that is „positive“.
They are so weak, they can‘t handle any criticism, they will rather deny reality.
It‘s CREEPY! 😧👈🏼
It is creepy.
Yes, I agree! Creepy is a good word for it.
Thank you as always for a very informative video. Personally, I can't find anything in this video to object to. But, somehow there seem to be those that would give a thumbs down. I can only conclude that they themselves must be narcissists. I don't know why they would be watching this video at all. Well, except to be sneaky and try to learn how to manipulate even more. Evil, evil people they are!!!
My only concern, that I need to share with those watching, please pick your battles carefully. Don't just refuse for the sake of refusing. You could be putting yourself or a child at harm's way. Just be ready,.be ready for anything. Rage can occur, have your concerns ready, be dressed and have your car.keys in in your pocket if you need to exit, for some.freah air for a calmer head and space.
Also take some responsibility for the every day chores it's often the smallest detail, that leads to criticism. Be the best " you" so when the storm comes you can deal with the worst they can dish out. Then use the " I refuse". Come from a place of higher ground, because their is no equal ground with a narc. Be careful. Treat a narc like it's a " fire drill" know your exit ( shoes, water bottle, cash, keys, wallet, phone)
Sherri M Identification, copies of identification, phone numbers in case phone is stolen, separate email address, change all passwords and log out of all devices, set up notifications if other people sign into your accounts, change your number or SIM card, always have a clear and concise safety plan and tell one person you know and trust and/or the police if you need to.
@@sarahjohnson8514 Excellent, excellent advice!!!!!
That is also the purpose of the “smiling no”. There’s at least 1 YT video on it.
I lie to my narc mother all the time and, generally, I’m not a liar. But, if I didn’t, she’d work to keep me miserable and run me out of my own life, using for herself- which I will not have.
Why live with someone who causes all that? Not worth it
Best way to deal with them is not caring what they say and bluntly ignoring them that straightens their behaviour a bit then and only make conversations which are needed and if they give silent treatment its good for us right?
You are a big part of my journey of healing !! Thank you so much Dr. Carter !!! You are from heaven sent !!
So pleased! Dr. C
I wish I had known about all of this before, I just got into the games and allowed my mother to ruin my life. Even from her bed in the hospital she played with my sanity. It's sad to think I am a much happier person now that she is gone, because listening to her meant being miserable.
My grief is very confusing still, I feel sorry that she is not alive anymore, but I do not miss her presence.
Tatiana So sad. I feel much lighter that the Narcs are gone from my life, too. Now, to deal with the ones remaining. Be well.
Never ever go back to these people even when you feel sorry for them. They have assumed you will come back and if you give in; they then think...there was never a problem, but you!
Oy, #6...bitterness and resentment - my last string, my achiles heel. I've gotten past that so many times and found it, again, so many times! Like any addiction, I'll just keep quitting for the right reasons until it's really gone. Bitterness to feel justified doesn't really work long term. Must be why I'm at your channel Dr. Carter! My best to All.
Iike proverbial moths to the flame. It all comes back to the relationship in ourselves. For this reason, there's an upwelling of gratitude for what the Narc has to teach...with the help of our good doctor here and one another's sharing. .
@@malinkywoos So true. My siblings did teach me a sense of self MUCH faster than if I were an only child. Glad I went the way of swim, not sink! Sounds like you did, too, from your comment. Cheers!
wow, this was so good for my soul to hear. Kinda like warm hot chocolate soothing...thank you. tears...
Thank you!
This video is perfect for me on this day. Just the other day I let the narcissist engage with me and now it will takes days to get over the put downs received by my mother. I will watch and listen carefully to this over and over again.
Watch Lisa A Romano. I’m so sorry you’re going through this friend. Hoping you experience joy in the face of any circumstance. We are created to be joyful. Not conditionally, but As a normal state. Be blessed.
All I have to do to see how horrible my abuser is is to look at how wonderful my Lord and Saviour is. I am NOT the property of my narcissistic and horribly abusive mother to kick around. I am the CHILD OF ALMIGHTY GOD WHO sees me only with LOVE!
👍👍👍🙏🙏🙏
Carolyn Christy you are so right. I was raised by narcissistic parents, said NO to their crazy demands and stood up for myself and am paying dearly for it now. A year ago they told my youngest son lies about my husband and I and had been turning him against me for years. Then my narc "father" died and my son and I have a very shaky relationship as a result. I refused to go to the funeral of the man that abused me emotionally and psychologically and he can't understand. We don't get to see our grandchildren. It's so hard. I so agree with you.
My 15 year friendship with a covert narcissist ended nearly two years ago. While we continue to live a few houses apart on the same street. She knows, without a doubt, that once I made the decision to cut her out of my life. Metaphorically I burnt the bridge down, while standing on the opposite side of the river.
Which didn't stop her from trying to act nice and neighborly a few times. If she happened to catch me outside, while she was out walking her dogs. Until my husband and I put up no trespassing signs. I started acting like I don't see or hear anymore. I know that allowing her to trap me into having a conversation, will only give her a sense of power. The very power that only she can possess, if I allow it to occur.
I have learned that being my old happy go lucky self, makes my ex narcissist friend powerless. It does take a body language expert to realize, that ignoring a narcissist only makes them sieve in anger, more than anything. While I use to feel bad about the situation. In a twisted sense of faith, I now find humor in her nasty know it all disposition.
Another thing. She tried turning other neighbors against us. In the process, that has backfired on her big-time. Once she could no longer stir up trouble for my husband and I. She decided to start pulling similar shenanigans with other neighbors. They quickly cut ties with her also. Now the narcissist is attempting damage control with one of her targets. So far it hasn't worked out too well for the narc of the hood. A couple of other neighbors, while there has been no trouble to date, are now on guard when they interact with her. It's simply because we have always tried to be good neighbors and mind our own business. Which happens to be the golden rule, that tends to elude most narcissistic personalities.
Sarah Crain , I also have a narcissistic neighbor that I used to be friends w/; I knew her casually for many years before we moved here. Initially, she & I both were looking forward to being neighbors, but w/in *2 wks* of moving here, I already was starting to see red flags. I immediately started to distance myself from her, which of course made her angry b/c she already had made enemies of her other closest neighbors & was hoping she was going to have “an ally” (I’m quoting her) in me, but that - of course - fell apart.
Unlike your ex-friend, she doesn’t try to draw me into conversations, but she retaliates against me in other petty, cowardly ways.
I wish TH-cam had a PM function so we could compare notes. Hang in there!!
@@lorijsp8813 you too. Narcs are scary people. Bless you.
Really appreciate your videos! I had never become close to a narcissistic person before, and I truly did not even know what it meant to be narcissistic. This has been a long journey of healing and self-realization for me, and you have given me the knowledge of understanding and thus, the confidence and tools to know how to break free. It feels so good!
Thank you Dr Carter...you are such an Inspiration to be level headed, and this does create effective outcomes in this intra/inter-personal War💖
I refused to be quiet and cop blame and was very emotional and loud in PUBLIC (so gross, but had to be). I refused to apologise for THEIR gaslighting, I refused to accept blame for THEIR deluded reality, I refused to be available for narc delight....
going to share this one on world narcissistic awareness day June 1st. Thank you Doc C!!
You are such a huge part of my continuing journey toward healing, as with so many others on here. You’re an angel Dr. C. I loved this video, it’s just what I needed today. Thank you. I can’t wait to buy your book.
Where is the book? How do we order it?
This is going into my toolbox of how to dismantle a narcissist.
"Dismantle" a narcissist...love how you put that!😊 From position of strength (that I don't yet have, but working on it).
Fantastic video Dr Carter! I’m exactly in this place right now! your videos have been a God send! Trying hard to get out without the big showdown & explosive temper! It’s been a month now without 1 word or look between us! Walking on egg shells, but staying out of his way, hoping to remain intact! Wish me luck! ✅
Kathleen Campbell I hope there’s no murder at all, I’m even trying to avoid eye contact! Haven’t looked at him for over a month now! Just want to live a peaceful life without all the verbal & threats of violent abuse, temper tantrums(mental age of 5) & rage! I’ve done my time(18yrs) just want out in one piece! 🤞🏽
Desert Cat I’m sorting and packing to move...planning to buy a senior condo. But is takes time for me to accomplish that. I’m 73 so I’m slower. Can’t wait for my freedom to be me again ! Most people don’t know what I’ve lived with and known for 31 years. It’s worn me out. Now, only time will get me away from him and alone. Thanks . You are always on spot !
Be careful. When the narc's victim stands up for themselves their rage and intolerance can boil over. I would prepare for the worst in case you have to use the plan
This totally works, especially with a nonviolent Narc. I have been using this "I refuse" thought anytime I see the Narcissist gaslight, push for control, or start a needless argument. It works.
Good word! Dr. C
I will get to stating "I refuse to allow..." but right now, at this moment honestly "I ain't got time for that sh*t, those days are over!" 2020 New Era. And thank you Dr, Carter. I appreciate your postings. Enjoy your day xox
Thank you . my self esteem is coming out .for 37 years i was a prisoner of his control. Now i feel free towards by being me .thank u
You understand exactly what it's like to deal with these people. Exasperating...and I will put this to good use. Many thanks!
I truly appreciate you for your level headed and insightful information on dealing with a narcissist. After several years of surviving through female narcissist abuse, with absolutely no results in my attempts to improve her. I decided to use your I refuse approach. By refusing to give my very self and my life away to someone that doesn't have love, empathy or respect towards me or for all the good I do. I refuse to stay with such a ugly miserable non human! I refuse to waste my life away on such a black hole heartless life ruiner!
The 61 people that thumbs this video down are narcissits!!!
#7 I had a conversation with the narcissist. They wanted something from me and I told them that I couldn't do that because it went against what I value and believe. They called me out for it and I responded by saying, "Oh, no thank you. I won't accept that, so I'm handing that back to you." SILENCE
Thank you Dr Carter explaining the Narcissist in a way that I can understand what is going on with them. I did felt like walking on egg shells the whole time I was growing up with my Dad.! We got in many loud shouting matches, which nothing was accomplished. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, and now with a military Narc.
Terry Armstrong me too but it was my mother
LOVE this one! Thanks Dr. Les,...and by the way, I refuse!!
Stay strong! Dr. C
I refuse to allow my narcissist sister to hoover me and my daughters back into her crazy control issues.We all decided to go no contact Jan 29th after experiencing one of too many narcissist rages and enjoy living in peace.
Thanks Dr Carter. It’s really helping me in my journey out of the abusive relationship. It’s hard especially when he is trying his best to get me back under his control.
Don't let that happen! Stay strong. Dr. C
“I refuse to let my bitterness and resentment keep me tethered to you.” In my efforts to “explain” to them how they hurt me, I am maintaining an unhealthy relationship. I’m not going to change anything with my resentment, I’m certainly not going to change them. I only injure my head by continually banging it against the same wall. I have listened to this video half dozen times and paused after each comment for four or 5 minutes so I am able to absorb each concept. Thanks
Also my favorite one very interesting choice of words the character can not seem to help itself... No matter how it seems they really do feed off you until they can't... In either way it's a spirit.
You’re Awesome! I ❤️ you Dr. Carter! And your little dog too!! 😂