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im with you in this experience. my understanding is that catastrophizing for autists is an understandable trauma response. its very strong because we are always at risk of being disconnected from our mother ship.

I can relate to so many things you are saying <3 I remembered this video th-cam.com/video/zs2Rghwcxgk/w-d-xo.html by Paul Micallef when he talks about unmasking - that we CAN but dont have to - its a strategic decision to make life easier not more difficult. Weighing pros and cons sometimes its just easier, more beneficial to mask...

Yep, very relatable, particularly the initial visceral sinking response, which feels like nausea gone skydiving. What I find interesting about catastrophizing is how honestly and accurately it demonstrates how acute our baseline sensory state is i.e. our bodies feel that they are in perpetual crisis, and catastrophizing is just reality finally catching up to us with a final, tangible straw to break us under all the pressure. From the outside it may look like an overreaction but it's still an honest snapshot of how overstimulated we always feel and how the addition of any unanticipated stimulus acts as an instant accelerant.

The most common term I've heard to describe the feeling is dread. In my daily/standard/gardenvariety version of this feeling, I think its often accurate. Though there are many subtle versions. But every now and again its like a 20x version of this hits and no word comes to mind. This version I believe actually causes a small t that we collect for our small t trauma. I do think its an incredible fear of the future with incredible regret about some past action or news event, leading one to sit and wait for it in the present (mind is everywhere) for the wave to hit.

This is so relatable for me Gina. My brain is also wired to go right to the worst possible scenario. I over read facial expressions and voice intonations and I know all about that horrible feeling that takes over when we slip into catastrophizing mode when we don't feel fit to be around other people and so on. I just had a similar experience to yours two days ago when I misread something that my wife said to me. It's not fun is it? Another thought that I have is that it can be especially hard for many of us who are autistic to feel liked or excepted in society besides having brains that seem to be wired to feel rejection is that we were very literally rejected and excluded when our brains were still developing when we were young because we were different from the other kids. It does have a lasting affect on a highly sensitive kid to be told "everybody hates your guts" or something similar like I was. Kids can be really mean and adults often don't help the situation when the kids who are bullied are pressured to "just be like everyone else". You mentioned that it helps to go for a walk when we are having this experience and I think that is an excellent idea; I know that it helps me. This is a really good video. Thank you Gina.

In my own unmasking I've found that, rather than politely endure disruptive circumstances, now I just refuse to tolerate what I know from time-tested experience to be intolerable. Usually this means abruptly ending a conversation or walking away from a problematic person or situation. I already know that I have a hard limit or low threshold for those things, but now I *deliberately reject* all the "nice and good" conditioning that we are forced to internalize in exchange for acceptance; instead, I give myself the self-respect and permission to BE my autistic self in those moments. We instinctively know when to walk away, and that's the one impulse that I know I can trust to protect me from meltdown. In short, I reserve the right to preemptive refusal. 😊

Very interesting Gina. I don't mirror accents now; at least I don't think I do. I do remember one incident over 40 years ago however when I was in a very distant state in the United States. I was surrounded by people with an accent that was very different from my own and I found myself mirroring that accent when I was socially overwhelmed. It was really embarrassing and I didn't understand why I did it. Do you think that it is related to echolalia or something? I do echolalia with my wife but she is pretty used to it. One time many years ago when I was in another state about 1000 miles from my home I had someone tell me what state I was from based only on my accent. Until that time I didn't realize that I even had an accent. Your video will have me thinking about accents all the rest of the day now.

By contrast I make a deliberate effort not to mimic (even though I'm tempted), as there aren't many pronounced regional dialects in my area so there is no impulse or opportunity for immersion. That said, I still practice my second language exercises daily and do feel immediately compelled to reciprocate the dialect of any spoken material.

Maybe I'm getting confirmation bias because the subject draws attention to it, but you sounded much more Scottish than usual in this recording. I can't tell you if I adapt my accent to people around me - if I do, I'm not aware of it. Nobody can place my accent beyond northern-ish England. Sometimes people think I sound posh. I'm not posh. I like to hear different accents and dialects and ways of speaking, and it gets me tilted when people disparage others' native speech as wrong or lesser than their own.

Yay You for sharing, thank you!🙏🏼💖 I'm late identified/diagnosed & worked as a speech therapist. I completely relate to what you're saying. Sometimes it's hard for me to not reproduce sounds in words that ppl say uniquely & I just realized that's masking! I do it freely at home but I never do it in public. Thanks for the insight.💓

I pick up accents and phrases they say often as well. I get so embarrassed.

ive never ever been on public transport by myself. i will only go with a companion. and im proud of my accomplishments. the crowds, the personal space invasion, the smells, the lights, the noise, the commotion, the dirt, the waiting, the movement, the navigating. the hot seat made me want to dissociate. no thanks. my tip is...we need allistic public transportation and autistic non public transportation.

when my younger brother was diagnosed with ADHD -about thirty years ago-, I knew right away I had it too it has taken me a while to realise then accept that I also have autism, which shows when I am heavily overloaded

I, too, am becoming aware of my sensory issues when I am in overstimulating environments. I agree that this new awareness feels scary. I also must have masked my way through those horrendous situations in the past. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I am not alone. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so sorry this happened to you. The tips others have offered in the comments are helpful.

Sympathies, public transport is its own special circle of hell for anyone with any sort of sensitivities. I relied on it for three decades and it seemed to me that people just got less and less bearable over time on account of increasingly selfish attitudes and ignorant behaviour. That said, hypervigilance and masking are absolutely necessary to survive public transit. It gets easier to make pragmatic adaptations the more often that one uses it (and you're absolutely spot on re: hood up, hair back, and managing space); but considering the added burden this puts on you after a day's work and the cumulative load of regularly enduring the transit experience, it may be worth asking for a remote work accommodation or adjusted schedule to avoid rush hour. Even when one successfully establishes a bearable transit routine there is always some random chaotic factor that will threaten one's composure, and subjecting oneself to that perpetually unpredictable environment gets old fast. It's absurd that any human being should be expected to simultaneously maintain both hypervigilance and unobtrusiveness but to ask that of already-masking neurodivergents is just insane. I second the suggestion re: headphones and advise adding some "extreme" metal music to your commute playlists so that you can have a virtual sensory release as needed (evidently this tactic is very common among we AuDHDs.) I'll spare you my 30 years of transit horror stories; suffice to say you're definitely not alone!

I'm very thankful you posted this video because this is how I feel around a lot of people and when I go on public transport, it was awful when I had to go to school as a teenager with the whole bus filled with other teenagers and I really struggle to be around strangers, there are so many sensory issues with that and I hate being perceived. I need a lot of space. I don't know if I could do it now, I want to go to places by bus but since I started unmasking I'm much more aware of how I react and what really happens in my brain. I think it will be very hard but it's also good to prepare like you're saying so we make it easier and to recover and be honest about how we feel.

Thank you for sharing. I have discovered noise cancelling headphones, which literally changed my world. When I wear them in the airport it makes me feel like I am in my own bubble. Not sure if that is good or bad, but it definitely is less stressful. I liked your description of disliking the motion of buses. I am the exact opposite the movement is enjoyable and helps me feel more regulated. Just now realizing that giving up that control of my movement somehow lightens the overload of other senses. Which is weird because I really like being in control of the things and people around me. I'm guessing it is like a stem for me perhaps.

Some people use ear plugs or headphones to help block out some of the noise in a crowded setting. The hood might be a good idea if it's not too warm. Dark glasses could make it feel less intense when people are crowding in on you and it might make you seem like you would be less open to being spoken to. You don't want to interact with other people when you are starting to feel overwhelmed. You have a good idea about planning the trip out better and maybe scouting out the "safest" place to sit in the train or bus. A day-old newspaper placed as barrier between you and a seat might help to make the experience less unpleasant. Your phone or an interesting book could offer a welcome distraction from the sensory onslaught. I hope that your trip goes better for you Gina as you learn what works best for you.

I don't think I can provide any tips but I do think what you lay out in terms of planning will help considerably. Its certainly what I would try. Your thoughts on how you used to operate masking versus now is helpful to me. I am very negative about unmasking currently as I am worried I am far less resilient. What you describe about using up everything during the day and being in a bad mood at home is relatable and being able to both work/commute but still have energy for home would be the ideal. And maybe you will still reach this. I also hope that unmasking at 1st is like being unfit but as you increase your activities you develop a sort of increased energy with your unmasking (getting fitter). This may just be due to refining ones planning as you describe but any way to increase this energy appeals to me.

Thank you for sharing. I can relate with struggling to talk about something i experienced like that. Bc it's like having to re-live it again. You are brave. I can't handle public transportation. That blasted pigeon! I had a meltdown a couple days ago in front of my husband and son

it will be interesting if adhd becomes the executive functioning subcategory under the autism umbrella

I relate and Definitely in the work environment.

you have a great fake smile

This is an excellent example of a (usually) unconscious social masking method that also provides its own built-in stim - feeling oneself smiling is both a release and a shield. For me it's a second-tier social response reserved for people and situations that I want to feel safe with/in but they haven't yet achieved the requisite level of trust (whereas first-tier is essentially just "resting b*tch face".) The new job might be an opportunity to begin unmasking at work, by letting (trusted) people know that the big smile is adaptive, so they can help monitor if/when it starts to become taxing.

This is an excellent example of a (usually) unconscious social masking method that also provides its own built-in stim - feeling oneself smiling is both a release and a shield. For me it's a second-tier social response reserved for people and situations that I want to feel safe with/in but they haven't yet achieved the requisite level of trust (whereas first-tier is essentially just "resting b*tch face".) The new job might be an opportunity to begin unmasking at work, by letting (trusted) people know that the big smile is adaptive, so they can help monitor if/when it starts to become taxing.

It takes too much of my energy to smile for other people, tho that doesn't stop me when I'm out and about. I'm fortunate that I do not have to be on camera for work meetings, one of the perks of working in IT. Always smiling at each other is creepy if you think about it. Or maybe neurotypicals just smile at others with no thought behind it.

I retired early but now want to return to work. I have been trying to unmask but I cannot imagine how it is remotely possibly to unmask for even an hour at work and keep a job. Interviews have been MarxBrotheresque.Capitalism demands smiles. And hierarchy and $50 billion payments for some and no jobs for others. Its a classic case of nothing to smile about yet having to. Yes, my smile will be absolutely and defiantly manic on return. 😂. And its not nearly as nice as your manic smile. IT comes to mind ❤ (red heart not red balloon).

This is really interesting Gina. You have genuine helpful insight into the role that smiling plays in social interaction. I relate to what you are saying but I have a somewhat different perspective as a male with life-long difficulty smiling when I was expected to smile. The first thing that comes to my mind is my aversion to being photographed. Since I was very young I have been very uncomfortable when a camera is pointed in my direction, especially when sandwiched in a group of other people. My main thought is getting through the ordeal a quickly as possible so that I can breath again, as I am usually way out of my comfort zone at that point. Not to mention that my that my Pathological Demand Avoidance has kicked in pretty good by then. I can have a genuine smile in the right setting but being expected to smile when I don't necessarily feel like it does challenge me. I do think that women have it harder than men for the most part as I believe that society just expects more masking overall from women. You did a great job with this subject. I'm glad that your new job is going well for you. Congratulations!

This is an awesome video and it really shows how hard women work to mask, no wonder we're in burnout. We constantly think of what other people perceive when we interact with them!

I am in my 40s and I've recently been diagnosed with ASD. But she also diagnosed me with OCD, and that had never even been on my radar. Now I see how much the OCD drives my perfectionism. I also see how much perfectionism is driven by autistic masking and the desire to appear normal. Thanks for your video!

we are all victims of toxic capitalism. we don't need to conform to neurotypical or capitalistic standards. anxiety wrecks my sleep. I get hypervigelent and wake up many times during the night.

Getting enough sleep is so important Gina. I need about 7 hours of sleep at night to function well, although 8 hours would probably be better. Anxiety is certainly a big reason why I wouldn't get a good nights sleep and I can feel anxiety if my routine gets disrupted or my schedule is thrown off for any reason. I need to sleep in my own bed every night. I have had very bad experiences when I had to travel. I could only manage a few hours of troubled sleep when I was in an unfamiliar environment and it left me miserable and unable to communicate well. Your video reminds me that I should try to get to sleep a little earlier. I hope that you will have consistent success at getting more sleep too. Our brains work so much better when we are rested. Thank you for your video.

Anxiety as sleep disruptor seems to be very common for we neurodivergent folks, but it serves as an important tool by which to gauge the status of waking life i.e. the presence of any unbalancing factors immediately triggers sleep disturbances. Getting more sleep provides enough of a reset to be able to clearly assess, identify, and correct the dysregulating circumstance. It's infuriating that our culture persists in its belief that being underslept is somehow a noble sacrifice. I realized in adolescence that sleep deprivation was the worst thing for me but recognizing all the ways that masking and camouflaging were compromising my ability to settle at night has taken much longer because one's very survival under capitalism is contingent upon those so-called "noble" sacrifices. (Also: loved that wallpaper pattern design, very stimmy! 😊)

I'm self identified AuDHD and what you're talking about is my special interest too! I think there are way more people out there with AuDHD than we know because when you are masking heavily you loose your true identity and internalized ableism is making it worse. We are spreading awareness here on TH-cam! You are very important for the ND community and we need more creators talking about this from their own perspective. Thank you for being so brave and talking about your unmasking process!

I've been enjoying your videos quite a bit. It is nice to find the perspective of a woman more along in life. I can say that for me perimenopause was physically horrible, but brought a lot of growth emotionally and mentally. I was definitely more open to being my real self and even more so now in menopause. I look forward to your next video.

ADHD can be challenging to identify in one's own behaviours even if others easily observe it. From a male perspective I can only speak to my own observations of ADHD in women but it seems to me like an undercurrent upon which all thoughts are carried, sometimes gently and at other times with varying degrees of agitation, but always with a noticeable drift rather than a strict linear trajectory, like a school of many small fish as opposed to a single big one. The ADHD_love channel does a great of both explaining and demonstrating the various features (I particularly enjoy the dynamic activity of their recent playground clips.)

Thank you for your video Gina. It encourages me to learn more about ADHD even though I am more autistic than ADHD myself. I think your son is on to something. I would not be surprised to see your number of subscribers going well beyond 500. I believe that your viewers are being helped and encouraged by your videos.

Thank you! 😻😻

ditto. verbatim. lol

Yes, I know it and I think it is relatively common. If you do not intuitively know how to behave in certain situations (and likely got negative feedback in the past), you adapt behavior that you know works: from people around you (can cause trouble when the copied person realizes and feels made fun of :/) or - like you - Films and books. But besides normal masking (adapted to certain situations) there is also "dissociative identity disorder", which means you have more than one IDENTITY, each has their own history, age, traits, abilities, ...

Wow, what a remarkable video! You could have been reading from my diary. I was 60 when I was diagnosed (62 now) and felt like you such sympathy for my earlier self.but my younger self would never have had the wonderful community resources such as this channel, people with whom we can exchange hacks and tips, or at least sympathy.

Apparently, what you are describing is a thing. I have encountered multiple references to this in research I've done. I wish you all the best in the days and weeks ahead as you navigate your new job and getting to know yourself in a new and affirming way. I am on the same journey.

Yep, not just you. I'm not aware of a recognized technical term for it but I consider the adoption of a persona "immersive stimming" i.e. the projection one uses to explore a new social role is an embodied or whole-body stim behaviour with an adaptive goal. And it serves its purpose, but as one achieves one's goal of learning the particular new social dynamic, the cost of maintaining that persona gradually begins to outweigh the lessons learned from it. Unmasking as a late diagnosed person seems to parallel the persona adaptation (which explains the current anxiety) except that the "new" identity one is trying on is simply one's long-suppressed core identity as an autistic person. Of course the benefit to this is that one ultimately uses less energy to mask because the new "adaptation" is, at long last, a return to our natural autistic state.

I can relate to your experience Gina, as I have had to deal with anxiety of one degree or another my whole life. I am sure that when I was young my imagination helped me to cope with the uncomfortable reality of being a "weird" kid living in a family and going to school. When I was about 10, I read the book Robinson Crusoe and it was very easy for me to imagine myself as the main character of the book surviving alone on a tropical island with no need to fit into society. This form of escape really did lower my anxiety level. Later on I became adept at another form of escape; I would physically remove myself from the stressful situation. That worked also but it did generate problems at the same time, such as getting in trouble with school authorities. It is really hard sometimes to alter or abandon ways of getting along that have helped us to survive in a confusing world and I know that from years of experience myself. I hope that your anxiety subsides. Just know that you are not alone in what you are going through.

I think unmasking is not so easy. I have been masking for so many years without even knowing that I was doing it and that I was autistic. I am 48 years old now, I was diagnosed at the age of 47. And I am exhausted after all those years. I don’t work at the moment, so I am at home most of the time and I find myself unmasking at home. But when I am around people I still keep masking. Please keep sharing your story, this is so important, especially for late diagnosed women.

Same, im pretty sure I have arfid because of my food sensitivity. Biting onto something that is a not safe food can give me gag reflex and vomit and I obviously would never want to ruin everyone's meal by vomiting infront of everyone 😢 also I don't like that people judge me for my choice and the fact that I always eat the same things in each restaurant. It's not my fault my safe foods are not in every dish. Plus the taking apart of the food always upsets people so I have to choose something that is 100% safe and that limits my choices even more... oof eating with people is so exhausting 🙄

I can certainly sympathize with what you have just gone through Gena, and I'm sure many others can too. I see myself as more autistic and less ADHD so my need to " escape " the overwhelming situation usually wins out. I remember some times though when I stuck it out and somehow survived but I think, to be honest, those episodes of perseverance tended to be fewer and farther in between. It sounds to me like you did the right thing from the way you described it. You know your son and you sized up the situation and did the best you could under those circumstances. You are human not superhuman; go easy on yourself if you feel like your every word, look, thought or action was not " perfect " or the way you thought it should be. I know what it's like to go through those kind of experiences and I know the horrible feeling that looms up inside and I also know that many other autistic people experience that feeling also; kind of like a desperate panicky feeling in myself sometimes. Knowing about our autism can be very helpful but it is a process and we need to give ourselves the time we need and the slack when we need it and the credit due ourselves when we make progress. Good video and relatable.

Yep. The whole time you recounted the experience I was reminded of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery", which shows a similar contrast of social tones both light and dark at a community event (in the context of your Sports Day neurodivergence is, predictably, the lottery "winner".) Incidentally Orion Kelly posted another "unwatchable" meltdown video yesterday that seems to have come from a similar place i.e. our paradoxical struggle to meet social expectations and familial needs without burning out. Timely. Given our monotropic tendencies it's virtually impossible to juggle everything in a setting like that (as an undiagnosed child I used to loathe the chaos of outdoor activity days even as I dutifully tried to "make the best of it.") As an AuDHD adult I found solace in event photography but I don't see that working in a school event context with the added parenting role - one can't support a child's needs and lose oneself in a technical interest simultaneously (unless, perhaps, if you each had cameras.) It does, however, point to a useful adaptation i.e. short bursts of engagement followed by an extended "reconnaissance" phase to distribute one's energy and attention in a more protracted manner. Being an AuDHD social butterfly is a matter of proportion - we need to manage our expectations such that we're never giving more than half of what we think we can handle. Implementing that hard limit honours and protects our heightened sensitivity in a known hyperstimulating environment. We need more community support, period. Institutions either need to recognize this and encourage others to make accommodating space for neurodivergence at events (I keep circling back to the image of a horse in blinkers) or else, ideally, we need dedicated events of our own. In the meantime perhaps pairing up with other autistic-informed parents could help distribute the cognitive load at such events since we do seem to manage better with added support buffers.

I know the feeling of "missing something" when leaving early. Also if I start something I WANT to finish it. I don't know if leaving is always the best choice because your child will learn to do it this way. And there may be ways to cope better with the situation. Perhaps leaving more often for a short amount of time to regain energy. Or just join the event for the activities he enjoys, and arrange some time with his friends? Because if overwhelm, drain and shame is the main takeaway from such events he might chose to not take part in the future. He knows he's autistic, and you seem to know how he feels. I am sure you can work out a strategy. I also think I have some ADHD btw. ;) Main giveaways: * Impatience/anger if things don't go as planned, take more time, ... * Music plays in my head about 90% of the day. * Brain never rests. Just won't shut up/down...

I also like to hide in a corner when eating in a public place, or just take some fast food. Food choice is difficult (even more so with small budget :/) Eating comes with its own set of rules (table manners). Being in a public place, perhaps even in a bigger group, adds the usual social rules (that we don't have intuitively). So you have to constantly monitor for both sets of rules. Autistic persons often struggle with motor skills - It took me ages to get somewhat passable at cutting with my left hand, but still it happens that I slip and throw food on the table... I think that's what you call "messy" - so you have to really focus on that. So 3 different major "tasks" to handle. And autistic persons are bad at/incapable of multitasking. It's stressful, overwhelming and draining/tiring, so inevitably at some point one will fall short. You know that from experience. And build anxiety around that whole public eating scenario. I don't know if that makes sense.