Arghh...Awkward Social Interactions - Unmasking my Autism
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ส.ค. 2024
- As I allow myself to be more myself in public and everywhere, and unmask my autism, I am realising just how awkward the majority of my social interactions are. I'm making my peace with it, but it is interesting how much I ignored the awkwardness as part of my masking. Probably I did this so I could find a way to enter into the social interactions in the first place. I hope to find the funny side in all of them from now on and to drop the shame.
I am fascinated to hear about other people's realisations once they started to drop the mask and how they are finding social interactions now. Are they any different or are you just more aware?
Thank you so much for watching and sharing your experiences. I've had lots of feedback that the comments are helping others too. I'm wondering about putting these videos up on a social media platform too, if that would help people, but I think I need to think more on that.
I love the way you did this video Gina. I can't imagine how you could have made it more relatable, more genuine or more helpful. You are right; the awkwardness will probably never completely go away and I'm saying that from the perspective of having 30 more years experience in the art of awkwardness than you have. How many times have I walked away from a social encounter muttering to myself "awkward, awkward, awkward "! I certainly know what that feeling is like. I have made efforts to reform myself in the info dumping department and I may have made some progress in that endeavor but I can't guarantee that some unwanted information won't come pouring out of out of my mouth if I'm feeling particularly nervous in a social situation. Your great attitude is encouraging.
I giggled at your sentence of walking away muttering "awkward, awkward, awkward" because that is similar to what I do sometimes, but I usually say to myself "stop talking to people Gina"! I hope you don't stop info dumping, because its part of who you are and although yes there are situations when it's not ideal, but to not do it at all feels wrong.
Thank you for your encouragement and such kind words, they mean a lot!
I have always felt very awkward in social situations and extremely uncomfortable in group settings. The irony is that my wife and friends know that I hate social interactions and tell me that I’m actually good at them. Unfortunately, I think that’s just because I put so much effort into those interactions, but it’s actually physically uncomfortable for me. There is this feeling inside of me that comes up that really makes me just want to escape the situation. When I’m in public I often go out of my way to avoid anyone that I know simply because I don’t want to engage in small talk and try to figure out what to say and how long to carry the conversation.
The only social interactions that don’t bother me are when I’m with close friends or my wife and kids. All other social interactions feel like a test and afterwards I obsess about how I came across to the other person/people and if I said something I shouldn’t have said or if I didn’t say something that I should have said.
My apologies for my long comment. I’ve been enjoying you sharing your experiences, thoughts, emotions, etc.
Yes! The avoidance of people just to avoid the small talk, I completely understand! I also don't really know how to end conversations without walking away feeling like I messed it up. Do we just say goodbye? I see some people just start walking off, but that feels like it would be rude to do that.
I have the same with close friends, my husband and my kids. I told a close friend yesterday that I was researching companies to get an autism assessment and she looked at me and told me that it was about time! Haha! I realised afterwards that I stopped masking around her years ago.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Regarding suspected ADHD, see 1:12. I'm confirmed AuDHD and recognize the extended closed-eye tic while formulating a thought as very ADHD; also the staccato flow of monologue, which always reminds me of Morse code as I'm speaking (and which, upon notice, of course distracts me from my train of thought and I do it even more in order to stay on-topic.) As for awkward conversation, as I get older I find I tend more often to just put on the mental brakes whenever I notice the other person(s) is not understanding or not following - why should we always have to work harder? - let THEM do the work and choose whether to clarify something or avoid it; whatever the outcome, it's on them i.e. it's not our responsibility to MAKE anyone understand us; it's their loss if they (oh so typically) can't be arsed to ask for clarification. Naturally this shrinks one's social circle because neurotypical is neuroprivilege, but I'd rather not waste my energy on people who by their complacency are unsupportive or dismissive of our difference. The one great advantage of late diagnosis is that we've already learned to be (constantly, perpetually) adaptive, so in unmasking we know how to recognise when these disconnects occur and can now instead affirm our OWN needs rather than leap to accommodate others. It's not that we'll never "get it", it's just that we are "always already" by our nature thinking differently.
That's quite a refreshing perspective and I'm going to think about that more. I do think that you're right, it's not our job to constantly get neurotypical (or non-autistic) people to understand or for us to continually make allowances. There's a element of taking back some power in just not jumping through the social hoops.
That's really interesting what you've noticed about the closed-eye tic and staccato flow of monologue. I have never really thought about that. Obviously I am now going down a rabbit hole of information about that...!
I constantly try to adopt the strategy of just passively listening if I'm in a small group of people having a conversation. The problem is that my flat affect or the face I make when I'm just listening and focusing apparently sends a message that I'm not trying to send, and someone will call me out by saying something like, "Blake wishes we would all just shut up and go away". And then that forces me to be the center of focus and I hate it. As for sending texts or emails, I am just awful about immediately catastrophizing. "It's been THREE minutes and they haven't answered even though they just sent the message! I must have horribly offended them!" 😬
The catastrophising is real!! I hate the feeling of not knowing if I have messed up socially, because I always suspect that I have and I'm just waiting for confirmation.
I so look forward to your videos. They are like little searchlights illuminating and emphasizing my experiences so I learn to better understand myself. I think this may be because we are in a similar phase of unmasking, although mine is progressing far slower, after 9 months and I would be terrified to put myself out there like you do. I am 17 years older than you but I think we might still fit in the later diagnosed than most category. As far as prepping or not for your videos every way is good. Its wonderful seeing your lovely presence in any form of array or disarray (I apologize to my wife, your husband and you - not sure how to compliment physical appearance) but what you share in words and mannerisms is this and so much more. So unique, relatable but normal. It helps me so much. Daily ever more quirky and bizarre is how I would describe myself if I may borrow your phase.
I did hit a tough situation yesterday. It was social but professional social. I retired early. I get a pension, I have all the supports I need so no real train smash but now want to return to work after almost 2 years as a world trekker (sometimes) and layabout (mostly). Yesterday, I had an interview for a really promising position. Only 2 kms from home, nice offices, non-profit it checked all the boxes. I hope to take my audhd with me to work but bury it in draw mostly and emerge from my chrysalis at around 4pm each weekday. I was interviewed by 4 very nice gentleman. Wow! The unmasked me ran rampant. Like a teenage werewolf apart from the hair. In between very clear and succinct discussions with regard to my experience and knowledge (I have 34 years experience in IT) I lapsed into 3 or 4 periods of oversharing in soliloquay form. Soliloquay, because I worry no one is really there when us autists start oversharing. You can almost see the spirits leaving their bodies to go get a favorite beverage.
Anyway, just an example of worse case scenario werewolf. I've spent most of the last 24 hours really liking and reaquainting myself with this other me whilst also wallowing in shame. Shame and needing acceptance were always my biggest hurdles. In my effort to achieve this and to be understood, I get very confused whether I need to prioritize reducing the shame before the unmasking or the other way round. I do admit there is less shame currently than there was in the past, but I am so thankful interviews aren't normally shared on youtube.
Ooops, more oversharing. It is like driving with blacked out windscreen but clear rear view mirror.
Thank you so much for sharing! I have a similar interview story where I could see the interviewers mentally switching off whilst I was talking but I couldn't stop until I'd finished my soliloquy! I didn't get the job...I think they were perhaps looking for someone who would stop for air! Haha! But it was the first interview I had done in a long time so I decided that I just had got it out of my system and I would do better in the next interview (which I did!) However, yes the cringe feeling of shame where you realise the mask has slipped is something I am learning to navigate, so I totally understand.
Love that you have spent time travelling! And as far as I am concerned, this is a safe space to share, overshare, and overshare just a bit more!
i like calling neurotypical people non autistics
I like that, although I always find myself getting tripped up by what to say!