Too many people! Crowds and overwhelm - Autism unmasking
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ส.ค. 2024
- This is a spontaneous video following a day spent with many many social interactions at the school sports day, whilst also being in a crowd. As I am going through the unmasking process, I am becoming more and more aware of how I feel in situations, and this has been a big day for me in realising how I cope in myself and how I struggle when my autistic son is overwhelmed and I am overwhelmed at the same time. I am also realising just how much ADHD battles with autism when someone is AuDHD. I am exhausted from today.
Thank you so much for watching my ramblings! I hope my insights continue to help. I feel like I need to have a small cry to release the overwhelm from today!
I can certainly sympathize with what you have just gone through Gena, and I'm sure many others can too. I see myself as more autistic and less ADHD so my need to " escape " the overwhelming situation usually wins out. I remember some times though when I stuck it out and somehow survived but I think, to be honest, those episodes of perseverance tended to be fewer and farther in between. It sounds to me like you did the right thing from the way you described it. You know your son and you sized up the situation and did the best you could under those circumstances. You are human not superhuman; go easy on yourself if you feel like your every word, look, thought or action was not " perfect " or the way you thought it should be. I know what it's like to go through those kind of experiences and I know the horrible feeling that looms up inside and I also know that many other autistic people experience that feeling also; kind of like a desperate panicky feeling in myself sometimes. Knowing about our autism can be very helpful but it is a process and we need to give ourselves the time we need and the slack when we need it and the credit due ourselves when we make progress. Good video and relatable.
Yeah, I am very hard on myself, it is a daily battle I have. There is real fear behind the perfectionism, it will take a long time to unpack that, and you're right, it needs compassion from ourselves as well as asking it of those around us.
I know the feeling of "missing something" when leaving early. Also if I start something I WANT to finish it.
I don't know if leaving is always the best choice because your child will learn to do it this way. And there may be ways to cope better with the situation. Perhaps leaving more often for a short amount of time to regain energy. Or just join the event for the activities he enjoys, and arrange some time with his friends? Because if overwhelm, drain and shame is the main takeaway from such events he might chose to not take part in the future. He knows he's autistic, and you seem to know how he feels. I am sure you can work out a strategy.
I also think I have some ADHD btw. ;) Main giveaways:
* Impatience/anger if things don't go as planned, take more time, ...
* Music plays in my head about 90% of the day.
* Brain never rests. Just won't shut up/down...
The music in the head!! I have a constant jukebox of songs in my head, unfortunately they are always the last songs I heard that I have some emotion attached to, and the emotion tends to be related to a cringe moment! And yes, I have zero patience.
Yep. The whole time you recounted the experience I was reminded of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery", which shows a similar contrast of social tones both light and dark at a community event (in the context of your Sports Day neurodivergence is, predictably, the lottery "winner".) Incidentally Orion Kelly posted another "unwatchable" meltdown video yesterday that seems to have come from a similar place i.e. our paradoxical struggle to meet social expectations and familial needs without burning out. Timely.
Given our monotropic tendencies it's virtually impossible to juggle everything in a setting like that (as an undiagnosed child I used to loathe the chaos of outdoor activity days even as I dutifully tried to "make the best of it.") As an AuDHD adult I found solace in event photography but I don't see that working in a school event context with the added parenting role - one can't support a child's needs and lose oneself in a technical interest simultaneously (unless, perhaps, if you each had cameras.) It does, however, point to a useful adaptation i.e. short bursts of engagement followed by an extended "reconnaissance" phase to distribute one's energy and attention in a more protracted manner. Being an AuDHD social butterfly is a matter of proportion - we need to manage our expectations such that we're never giving more than half of what we think we can handle. Implementing that hard limit honours and protects our heightened sensitivity in a known hyperstimulating environment.
We need more community support, period. Institutions either need to recognize this and encourage others to make accommodating space for neurodivergence at events (I keep circling back to the image of a horse in blinkers) or else, ideally, we need dedicated events of our own. In the meantime perhaps pairing up with other autistic-informed parents could help distribute the cognitive load at such events since we do seem to manage better with added support buffers.
ha- I use a paper plate on a big popsicle stick as a horse blinker when I'm in the car
sun is a huge trigger for me. im never without an umbrella. its perfectly fine to leave any event early and the phone is a perfectly acceptable way to help your son regulate. its also ok to have push/pull audhd. you cant rush unmasking. you are right, its a lifelong process, not a destination. you can also teach regulation skills.
Managing expectations is something I have always done for my kids but I don't think I've really ever done it for myself. But yes, as you highlighted, it's something that does need to happen. Especially in potentially overwhelming scenarios.
I can relate to so many things you are saying
I like that and I agree, sometimes it is more beneficial to mask.