Pain and reaction to pain - Unmasking my autism

Pain is a strange thing for me, in the sense of how I react to it. I know I am very sensitive to it but I often mask it and pretend I'm fine. I don't understand why I do that, is it something to do with being vulnerable? This is definitely another element of my masking autism that I am starting to understand and how I respond to pain for myself and in those close to me is often very strong, but I hide it. Do other diagnosed or suspected autistic people do this? Also, do you look back and think you were super clumsy and hurt yourself a lot? I'm starting to wonder if there is more going on for me than just thinking I was clumsy.
Thanks so much for watching my videos! Apologies again for the captions, I think I need more help with these, but I think its ok enough to keep sharing the videos for now.

[@MsLisa551]

Good explanation.. it resonates a lot. Especially feeling vulnerable about expressing it.

[@N4BWR]

It makes sense that it might be about the masking that we've learned to do (maybe even subconsciously) and the overall feeling of not meeting the expectations of the neurotypical. I have a nonverbal learning disorder that carries with it reduced fine motor skills and I often find myself ashamed/annoyed/angry with myself when I lose my balance or trip or drop something. I think because that critical inner voice in my head sounds like all of the people throughout my life who made insulting comments when I did any of those things. I try not to react to pain in front of people, but I can actually go the other way and overly react to it when alone and get ashamed/angry/frustrated by the whole thing and whatever clumsy "mistake" caused the pain. It's not healthy. I am more self aware lately with my new autism self-identification and I really want to change how i impulsively react to things and think about things

[@frantri3246]

I am also pulling me away into a quiet place when I get hurt. I do not want to be seen by anybody.
Maybe it's related to the way people reacted to our sensory issues. As a baby/child we often cried (discomfort with cloths, noisy/smelly environment), and people thought "it's for attention" and ignored us. Later, when we articulated what was causing us issues, they did not understand and said "that? That's nothing, just shut up and push through".
(EDIT: "shut up and push through" might not be the words used, but something like putting a plaster on a wound - which always caused pain/discomfort/anxiety to me - and saying "now everything is fine" when actually it's not, transports the same message.)
So because nobody believed and wanted to help we shut up and hide.
What also might be contributing is that we are generally bad at exactly telling/expressing how we feel. Which adds a level of insecurity especially in stressful situations.
(At least that's true for me: is it excitement or anxiety? I need a lot of time - sometimes months - to process what really happened.)

[@Hermitthecog]

Having just seen a doctor (disability paperwork never ends!), this resonates. Pain is one thing but the flurry of unfamiliar activity incurred by a help request compounds the injury with secondary trauma. Also, speaking as an AuDHD, the overwhelming empathy in the aftermath of someone else's injury is very familiar (I can't even trim my cat's nails as I find her panicked, wriggling discomfort so distressing; meanwhile in a first-response situation I'm always calm and focused.)

[@TheGreatReveal]

Yes, and I have always been distressed by other people's suffering. I couldn't even watch someone be 'dumped' by another person in TV shows because I would feel intensely sad for them and so much so it would feel embarrassing.

[@Hermitthecog]

@@TheGreatReveal And so much of what constitutes "reality TV" is predicated on exactly that kind of humiliating public exposure, it's torture by proxy.

[@tracirex]

yes, i have dysphraxia. being from a marginalized group comes with self blame and hiding our pain. we are not wrong. we have been wronged.

[@davidrichards9898]

I don't question any of your thoughts re not wanting to show pain. I just want to add 1 more possibility. And that is pain is not as intense for some. Please dont get me wrong. I am no superhero. I am scared of experiencing any pain. But I don't think I feel it as severely. In 2020 I tore the ligaments in my ankle, probably grade 2, whilst trekking in Nepal. I was able to finish the day and rested for 5 days. I occasionally took tylenol for pain. I then managed to walk back to taxi located 25 kms away including 1200m vertical downhill, relying heavily on hiking poles. I was carrying a 15kg pack. I returned to America and had x-rays and found I'd also fractured my Tibia breaking a piece off it rather than breaking through the bone thankfully. Apart from the injury itself which was very painful and occasional missteps, I don't think my pain went beyond uncomfortable and inconvenient. As I am 58 I was brought up in the "I'll give you something to cry about" era but only since then did I question whether I felt the same level of pain when it is a long and drawn out recovery type pain. Most worrying is although I am extremely sensitive and I think empathetic when a loved one is physically hurt and at first I probably over react by concern ebbs away too quickly. I don't think I continue to "feel their pain" for as long as others. Its almost as if once I feel they are safe and over the worst its just grinding on as I do. I feel reptilian and this is the one part I hate about it.

[@TheGreatReveal]

Wow! That is an incredible story. I hope your leg is better! And I don't think you are reptilian at all for not holding onto the feelings of worry and panic when you know the person is safe. I think that is just how you operate.

[@octopeople]

I got a lot of cuts, scrapes, and bruises despite being a cautious child who took few risks. I always had several mystery bruises. I think I expressed pain as you'd expect from a child.
If I'm hurt and I'm responsible, I feel embarrassed and stupid. If no-one is responsible I feel a sense of betrayal at the universe. If someone else is responsible I feel shocked and confused.
I feel a perverse pride in carrying on quietly despite pain. I don't want to show that I'm in pain, but I sort of do want people to recognise how well I'm not showing pain. I feel like a failure if I take painkillers.
I do not know how to do the 'rate your pain 1-10' thing, or the 'match your pain to one of these faces' thing.
Edit I thought of something else: I've heard several people, including psych professionals, say that emotional pain and physical pain are experienced in the same way. I don't know how literal to take that, but assuming fully literal then my experience is not like that at all. Emotional pain and physical pain are both unpleasant and distressing, but they are clearly distinct feelings as if using different senses. Physical pain is like a direct, concrete _thing_ that is located in the body, whereas emotional pain is elusive, difficult to identify as a thing in its own right, and not really located in any particular space.

[@TheGreatReveal]

That's interesting about what you say about emotional pain and physical pain being thought to be experienced in the same way. I will have to think on that a bit more for my own perspective, because I know that I react the same for both. If I am hurt emotionally I will carry on regardless, just as I do with physical pain. You hit a note with me about not taking painkillers because I've realised that I do that too! I even tell people how little I take painkillers, but actually they could probably help me and make me easier to be around. Thank you so much for sharing, you've given me lots to ponder!