What Causes A Narcissist To Abruptly Flip Out?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ค. 2024
- You can have stretches of time when narcissists are on decent behavior, but suddenly, BOOM, they flip out. What's that all about? Dr. Les Carter describes all sorts of triggers that can cause them to unload in you. Your task is to know what drives them so you won't get pulled into the predictable non-productive anger.
Sign up for Dr. Carter's course Free to Be HERE:
survivingnarcissism.tv/go/fre...
Use the following coupon code to get 20% off Free To Be: FTBTH-cam20
Dr. Carter's new course: This Is Me: Setting Boundaries With The Controllers In Your Life: survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Join our Community HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/subscr...
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Sign up for our email list and check out other videos, articles, webinars, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
Twitter: Surviving Narcissism @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Tik Tok: www.tiktok.com/@survivingnarc...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other TH-cam channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...
![[Full Episode] MasterChef Junior Thailand มาสเตอร์เชฟ จูเนียร์ ประเทศไทย Season 3 Episode 5](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/g5wpgeAIzMs/mqdefault.jpg)
The hardest part is when you realize that the hope you had of this person changing and actually loving you back and respecting you, will never happen. It is purely a one sided love or transactional. Watch out for all the red flags of a narcissistic and run before it’s too late!
Yes, run. It never works out. They love our pain.
Oh my goodness yes! Our granddaughter who we have permanent, uncontested custody of from her toxic mom, often has moments where a big life event happening & her deep hope is THIS is the moment her mom will suddenly change! She hopes that her mom will finally be prompted to realize her mistake(s), decide to love and want her back and the whole household will have changed. That’s one of the hardest things we have to guide her through in our process of helping her regain her self worth & KNOW she is a wonderful girl who has so much to offer the world and she will never be rejected or abandoned by us.
Sadly, you just nailed the problem. For 35 years I thought if I loved him enough he would appreciate and love me back. You cannot love a narcissist into rational behavior. Now it's too late for me to change my situation.
its horrible when its a one way street. get out.
🤗
Thank you. I've just learned a very harsh reality. No matter how much you thought they were or want them to be, the narcissist will NEVER be your safe person. 😪
True! The sad thing is, for a very long time (years) into our relationship, I believed he was my “safe” person-the type who could assure your survival on a remote island. He was smart and so kind to me. But then the cracks started appearing in his veneer, and a few years after marriage, I fled my home in fear. I don’t think I’ll ever wrap my head around that whole experience, regardless of the many hours of narc “education” I’ve received from people like Dr. Carter. I don’t think I’ll ever totally trust someone again.
I Never feel safe around that person.
@@AdairCty Please don’t blame everyone for this ONE person’s betrayal. Yes, there are others who may betray you as well too, but thank God, not everyone is a narcissist. There are trustworthy people as well in this world. It just takes time to separate the wheat from the shaft so to speak. Wishing you better luck next time.
@@TJ77790 There is no “blame” being placed on “everyone”. I’ve learned the hard way that it is healthy, self protective and a necessary boundary to not give unilateral/unverified “trust”. One must always keep eyes and ears open and verify/investigate. Length of time knowing someone (I knew my ex narc for many years before marriage) is no guarantee that one really knows another person. A certain level of trust must be earned, not given freely-but even then, in these times we live in with so much duplicity, we must be vigilant in realizing that some people may be other than what they seem. They could be smiling at you one minute and, metaphorically speaking, have a knife in your back the next. The wise will keep that in mind.
Exactly! I will never trust my husband to make decisions for me if i should become very ill(sad isnt it?)
My best guess would be: critisism of any kind or simply saying no. The narcissist has to be superior and in control. Another mistake is 'to be happy'. The narcissist can't stand that and will do their worst to take away all your joy.
Your Joy is their pain and your pain is their joy.
This is so accurate. I remember coming home in a good mood once - I had heard one of my favorite songs on the radio on my drive home, and walked in the door singing it aloud (something I *used* to do regularly!) and it instantly triggered interrogation/rage mode… “What are YOU so happy about”?! - followed by accusations of meeting/flirting with men at the grocery store… HOURS of this, all because I was singing 😳 truly baffling before learning about NPD!
A narcissistic partner is another reason why you (one) can never have nice things. They will be overcome with envy and, one way or another, deprive you of them. The phone, stolen and sent to her relative; the long-owned, expensive camera, dropped from a 12th floor window (survived); the cappuccino maker, smashed, dismembered, and every connection severed. You may be wondering... no, this is probably not 'just any' narc.
Your exactly right
I said " No "...December 29th, 2020. Calmly, quietly ..but " no." I ended up in the hospital --- head trauma & raped. Uncontrollable vaginally bleeding .. pressed charges,..he DENIED it ever happened, to the Police!! ... so they wouldn't press charges.
I looked him in the eye and said " You can deny it all you want; but 4 hours in the ER is documented; ..and we BOTH know what happened...
I left Dec.25th, 2021.
Free at last,.. So Free!!
After living with one for almost 30 years and trying to analyze the reasons and whys behind his verbal abuse, I will say it sometimes comes down to they just want someone to abuse. Simple as that.
They are evil!
BINGO!!
They are Definitely EVIL!!!
@@lisafiveash3089 yes! Parasitic !
To put you down makes the narcissist feel higher. Pathetic, joyless persons are all narcissists.
Saying "NO"
NOT giving them compliments when they are fishing for them.
Expose their nonsense.
Ignoring them.
Tell the truth about their lies (especially if you have proof).
Talk about something you did that they can't do.
Be your authentic self.
LOL ,Ignoring them😁💯✌🏿👍
MW: Yes. What is amazing to me is how mine wants to stay when I am doing all that you mentioned. He seems to think all this is normal.🤪
@@choosepeacetoday I'm at a slightly different place. mine says he wants me to stay yet everything he does when he thinks nobody is looking says he wants me gone (but all my stuff stays, of course.) It's like he has no clue how documentation and public-level records keeping works. 😆
Yes, yes, and yes!!
This is the most accurate list I’ve seen! I’d only add:
Disagreeing with any of their opinions (which they consider to be “facts” or “the truth”)
It could even be something as small as saying “blue is my favorite color” when orange is their favorite… that’s enough for them to fly into a rage & accuse you of lying because in their mind, orange is the best color & anything else is a personal attack and/or denial of “truth”🙄 Truly exhausting people.
When you show them that they have no control over you and you are done being manipulated
Where I stand today🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾with God's help!!
One "NO" ended a 20 year friendship. The hyper reaction is very real.
Yeah. "no" is the most powerful magick word there is. It makes narc masks vanish instantly!
I'm sorry that happened to you, but happy that you're free of it.
@@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334 I understand what you mean, and the hurt is real, and hard to heal from, but I've gained so much from the experience, I thank you for your empathy and kindness, I unfortunately had to go through this. I had to learn that I could not just give myself away to just any fool I met, that I had more value than that, it's given me so much perspective, so all-in-all that learning has brought me here today, and I'm okay with that.
The hardest part is trying to feel sorry for the fool that threw me away, and kicked me out of his darkness into the light of higher being.
It's ending a 12-year friendship for me. My heart goes out to you and I hope (selfishly) that you've found a way to come to terms with it.
@@silvercakes I am, but I still think about the stress that will bubble up if I bump into him because we are neighbors, and how I will handle it.
He doesn't make eye contact, but there's always that one choice exchange that will always go sideways, and it hasn't happened yet. I'm trying to avoid that possibility.
Don't even make a small critique on another's verbal reaction towards you. Even after a simple remark stating what you should do with your time while getting well with a medical layup.
If they sound authoritative, just ignore. Say ok, Yah yah... 😉 other people seem to think what suits them, will suit you too. 🥴
They use people as their own emotional punching bags!!!
YES! I made the mistake of accepting a proposal from my narc that we should share an apartment---he professed to not like living alone, and my living situation was about to evaporate so I said yes. I realized within a few weeks that he didn't want a housemate---he wanted someone he could reliably beat up several times a week. I'm simply not willing to shout that loud or escalate arguments to that level of vituperation, so he ALWAYS WON. What a pathetic sack of guts.
When you have an opinion that differs from theirs.
they need to be your god.
@Mary Carroll in many it is a generalized human condition that we outgrow through age and introspection. It begins as not feeling good enough, so we embark on a journey of creating the illusion that we are better than everyone. Dr Eric Berne in Games People Play lays it out, and more practically Harris in I'm OK You're OK turns it into a useful communication system called Transactional Analysis.
I was engaged to a malignant narc in the 80's when Harris's book drew my attention and averted a disaster about to happen.
Yes!!!
And theirs will ALWAYS differ from yours.
Yes, and more specifically, when. your opinion - or even question - poses a challenge to their own self-image/agenda/narrative. Just had this happen with a covert narcissist. They made a mountain out of thin air
If they don’t feel they have upper hand they will escalate the insults, keep raising their voice, shaking their head, acting disgusted and you can see they are thinking what other crazy comments they can make about you and even verbally attacking family or friends. I was so disappointed to finally realize he was not my safe person he claimed to be, he would state his love but his actions did not support the declarations, threw me under the bus many times, never had my back. It was such an exhausting marriage so glad to be free of him. Thx Dr C.
Exactly! Their actions do not match their words.
Your one of the strong ones ! I am barely getting away after 3 decades of narc abuse. She has gotten worse since the kids are grown. For some stupid reason I believed we would get along better. Nope it’s worse . A narc mixed with any situation in which they can not totally control still equals a bad experience for the narcs victim. The only time she appeared to be happy is when we were on vacation or When I was spending money on her. Even the happiness was short lived !
@@utubeelvi thanks John, mine was 19 years, as you said thought it would get better after kids left nest as they frustrated him so much but did get worse, he was often upset about his job and co-workers, complained every day for years, finally had enough one day when he kicked dog, switch flipped i was done, been a great year of growing, healing, etc, best wishes to you.
@@elaineb9951 it’s incredible how they take your love and squeeze every bit of it out of your being. Then they feel as if they are Mohammed Ali standing over you when you are down. Guess what Narcissist we let you sucker punch us . Not any more. No more knock outs for the chicken shit narcissist!
Elaine B.....sounds like you and I were married to essentially the same type of guy. I'll never forgive my ex for not defending me to his nutjob family, especially when I needed unity the most.
Another thing is just when you think things are going well, you feel like you're on the same page, making a connection, having an understanding, and making sense, etc, and then out of no where, Bam! They're back to their loud and obnoxious behaviors, and every good thing that happened before goes out the window.
There's no such thing as being on the same page if they are invisible and their bags full of tricks
Exposed nonsense,
no peace exhausting
YES.... that's exactly what happens ...every time
Yep. Every. Single. Time! It would really shake me and dysregulate ME. I would just be so incredibly rattled and wonder WTF just happened.
I literally have counted sentences before the explosion. EVERY " conversation" ends in a fight. He loves to debate over anything...news, autos,, dogs,, whether it's snowing or not. Debate over anything, sometimes he will change sides mid debate & start on the other side! I usually just laugh, I have pointed it out.. Which made him more angry. No normal conversations ever. He says it's me but, I don't have this problem with anyone else.
@@cathyschwartz7026 OMG... SAMMMEE, THE DEBATING ISH IS SO EXHAUSTING. I TOLD HIM ONCE, WHY ASK ME QUESTIONS WHEN ONCE YOUVE ANSWERED YOU RAGE BECAUSE I DONT SHARE THE SAME OPINION... I TOLD HIM I THINK HE PROVOKES ME INTENTIONALLY.. HE WAS SUPER SILENT
We can also ask: What Causes a Toddler to Flip Out? Anything and everything! These people are grown up toddlers who have never matured. Don’t let them have power over you. Imagine them in the bib and high chair throwing their pacifier across the room in a fit.
Good summary. Dr. C
Nice description 👍
Great image! 😂 I'd still take the toddler's tantrums every day over the narcs, lol. At least the toddlers have a reason to be that way- they haven't learned yet how to control self, and have pure, redeeming, sweet moments that I've yet to find in a narc. 🤦♀
Adult tantrums are very dangerous. People get killed from them quite often.
@@Yumicpcake absolutely.
So valuable. I spent 50 years of marriage trying to keep the peace. I had no idea this was a permanent disorder. Thank you.
Elke Love,You deserve better
I am also approaching the same marriage land mark and spent a lot of that time doing the same thing. Even though I still work and have hobbies(which he dosen't) it's getting harder to take without being angry I've wasted 3/4of my life on someone who has never put me first above his own emotional needs.
@@arleneclawson1407 I so feel for you. I left once before but stupidly went back to try again. The peace in my life now is unbelievable. I worked until age 75, supporting him for years, but I’m no longer responsible for his needs and wants now. But he is able to drag the divorce process out… Good luck, do try and leave, won’t you?
I find it so relaxing to see Gus napping on the couch as Dr. Carter shares his infinite wisdom with us. 😊
Bless, love Gus😍
Lol .. I love that .. little Gus .. I go to the nearby dog park just to watch the dogs play and run. It’s the peace I find to escape the den of toxicity that is my current living arrangement . More permanent plan in progress
And also it's so lovely that he's being introduced by his name n_n
This ex-friend told me I was awful after I freely stated my political opinion in a professional and calm manner. She flipped out when I was uncomfortable with her request and said no. Caught her lies. She's happy whenever I have problems. Wouldn't come to visit me while I was recovering from a surgery because it was too far for her to drive. Due to anxiety, I had to leave. Took a long while to detox and come home to my real self.
Love to see Gus, makes me smile.
Me too. When I'm screwed up I look for Dr. Carter..hoping to first see Sweet Gus.
One benefit of the explosion of information on narcissists I hope will be that people will wake up sooner to this dysfunction, quell their endless hope and optimism, and get OUT sooner. Tolerance and forebearance are not virtues in dealing with a narcissist. How much time do you want to waste? Because no one knows how much time is left in living; life is short.
Agreed.
Yes!💯 Get away from them and never look back.
I had to set strict boundaries with my mom. I only visit once a week. No more than 2 hours. I Grey rock the entire time. She tries to bait me the whole visit. I only visit because she is my mom. I am concerned about her well-being. I now know it's a one-sided relationship. No engaging only makes her more angry.
"What causes a narcissist to flip out?" Man, it doesn't take much! All they need to flip out is to feel threatened, and that happens on the regular. I grew up "walking on eggshells..." If I was/am "other" in any way, shape, or form...the narcissists flip out. So one learned to lay low and be as invisible as possible.
I have seen them search for a reason to rage because they are bored. So very sick!!!!!
That was my sister, 5 years older than me. It was like that my whole life. Lay low and be quiet.
Whether a possessive Territorial Co worker or insecure Husband -YIKES!
Stop talking about my life 😆
Try to be invisible but they still seek out any flaws you have only to put them in the spot light to embarrass you.
The ultimate healing occurs when one loses one's fear, and is able to keep a clear head in the face of their irrationality, standing up for oneself without losing one's temper where it is required, and not bothering to reply when none is needed.
Actually, ultimate healing can really only come once you sever all ties. Then and only then, can you become the person you want to be: that alone will take the rest of your life if the narcissist was a direct family member, especially a parent.
It's very hard to develop new positive tapes in your mind to erase over all the constant overt and covert negativity the narc had with you.
The moment one has obtained a realistic perspective on them, a new positive tape begins and a healthy path starts. Trust in that path. Initially it is difficult but it gets easier with time.
They're like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute they're nice to you and then they start getting mad for no reason
when you set boundaries and call them out on their bs ...they react like a 5yr old and throw a tantrum !!
I think they’re also addicted to the adrenaline rush they get off raging on people. Making the victim feel helpless during their fits, probably gives them like a power boost too their inflated egos and I say egos, because narcissists seem to have many different personalities in one person. It can be very scary to deal with an unhinged person like this.
I would like to point out that sometimes when narcissists "flip out" it's a calculated, *Shock & Awe*, terrorism style tactic to keep their victims under heel. (I know part of the time in the less aware narcs- it's simply the tension from emotional dysregulation building up, & being discharged at the favored/most convenient soft target around.)
Beautifully stated. You enlightened me just a little bit more.
Yes. I think they call that the narcissistic cycle of abuse. It goes on and on. I have decided he can play that game without me.
After awhile with my now ex-inlaws I noticed how my MIL kept her bf under control with her fits of temper, outbursts, obsessive need to be right and appear as the strong person in charge in any setting. He didn't care bec he was terrified of being alone yet again. You can only imagine how we as outsiders perceived this---with some of our choice (but of course very privately stated) comments about this weird, lopsided relationship.
Boy, did you hit home after you quoted that after a said fact, a person (me), found out what my husband at that time really felt about supporting me for a mere six weeks, so I could finish school. I finished that schooling, got a good job and got a divorce. During that six weeks, behind my back, I found out later, how he really felt, so mad, he wanted to shoot me. During that six weeks, he treated me like I was dirt, common practice. That was the last six weeks of our marriage. I have repeatedly, mention this since I have followed you for more than 3 years now. where were you when I needed you, when I was married. But, in your more recent videos, you are covering the lingering effects of these people that have damage-good and decent people that don't quit know how to adjust. Thank you Dr. Carter, you are a welcome person that the public needs.
@@conniebarrick8265 ....I've realized that what we truly need and/or want finds us when we're finally ready to receive it, but that it also requires us to meet it halfway.
Before even listening I already can answer. They have plans. They want to stage a fight so they can go have their fun. In the meanwhile they want you to think it's all about something that you did wrong.
exactly!!!
you know what at 'save trump' your last sentence resonates. no wonder mine would make generalized statements but *never* backed up with *facts.*
supposedly smeared my name (if you will) to our surrounding neighbors, according to my spouse who said "oh they know *ALL ABOUT YOU"*
after moving into a new town and neighborhood, i would have to guess that my spouse warned them (neighbors) about me for *whatever!* reason. but told me [like you say] to make me think it is about something that i did wrong.
Mine would do it all the time,stage a fight to walk out and go to the bar!!!!or wherever!!
@@lifewithapurpose237 He was installing paranoia in you so you DONT get friendly with the neighbours. It isolates you. And gives him people to freely claim you're "crazy" and "paranoid" to. They are constantly creating narcissistic supply by claiming they are victimised by you, your mental health etc to people who become their protective flying monkeys if you ever get fed up with their silent covert degradations, slights or baiting. Don't be afraid to live in your own truth. Develop relationships with your neighbours on your own terms, don't ever take a lying, gaslighting narcs word for anything. The closer you circle toward their alternative supplies the more intense the gaslighting and degradation, silent treatment and abrupt harsh discarding will become. Whether that supply is someone they cheat on you with, or someone that validates and encourages them in their evil behaviours towards you. They protect their supplies.
Right on, Save! Took me 7 years to figure this one out. Ugh!
My naricisstic mother not only ruined each and every holiday, she flipped out on my wedding, threw a major tantrum and destroyed the whole day. They can't stand it, when it's not about them and they can't see you happy.
It certainly baffled me, not knowing anything about narcissistc behaviours. At first it was just dismissive comments, then it morphed into ignoring emails and not picking up the phone when I rang. When she finally threw me out of her house in a screaming rage, I knew something was badly wrong. I went home and started researching personality disorders. That's when I found narcissism and your videos. A whole truckload of pennies dropped and everything became understandable. Why aren't we taught this at school? It would save so much heartache in later life.
I know you're gaining insights, Bev, and I deeply respect that. Dr. C
They flip out to intimidate you and be in control.
Going through all of this. It hurts so bad to be on the receiving end of this. Bless all of you whose heart is broken because of people like this.
The pain, the heart rending PAIN they bring is unbearable. We have to accept the fact that they don't care and it's all your fault. They DON'T CARE!!!!
Hi Hazel! That was my granny’s name! 😆 it does hurt after a live together relationship of almost 12 years. I just moved back into my own apartment. Bc I do not want my boyfriend freaking out on me over silly stuff? I’m not going to make this seem worse.. he might have been stressed over his own stuff also so it spilled onto me. I just want to have my own 2 feet on the ground over this.
One thing that took me a while to notice is how dishonest narcs are. You know at first I thought they were just impulsive with anger issues. Then I would try to discuss with them their outbursts later, and they always turned the story around. It was so frustrating. So then I started documenting our arguments with emails and getting really specific, but he still would twist it around and tell a totally different story. Even with the documentation. So I thought does this guy just have a terrible memory or what? So then I started recording our arguments. Because that way he could not twist it around anymore, we would have the actual argument to refer to. And when I did that he got so pissed and scared he ran off. So it was deliberate the whole time.. I would recommend recording your narcs because technology is the only way to stop them. Make sure you announce it if your state requires it.
I began recording and when playing back our conversations I began to realize I need a divorce, immediately.
About recording : Yes , I have done that too, but he said " I don't remember saying that.." So , you see, he still does not have to admit he did wrong. I live with mine. I continue to record when I can, but only to provide clarity for myself on what was said. It is also a good way to monitor how I handled myself during the altercation. It helps with my healing, and sanity.🙂
I'm in that same boat except I haven't let them know that their insane claims they think nobody be me hear are being recorded and documented to be used as evidence against them later.
I've already called him out to his face about the open lies and held him accountable until he walked away only to find out a few days later he had made up a completely different story about what had happened but the remade story was so devoid of facts it was nothing to refute it on the spot.
Hahaha, you have just described the last ten years of my life. What a waste of time it was, all the effort & love & truth & beauty that is lavished on these characters. How it has eroded my confidence & stolen my energy! Dr. C. leads the way out, though, and I am committed to Team Healthy as I extricate myself from the Narcs. influence.
Recording is exactly what I do for my sanity (did I say it the way they said I did, or not?)
I keep record of where I go, what I do also because of a couple accusations of my 'flirting' with the guys at work.
A camera doesn't lie.
Just make sure you keep copies of your files on flash drive and if you can, a secure passkey-protected cloud service.
Then they can't del the files.
You described my ex boyfriend completely. He became angry with me for not responding when he was attempting to explain the Bible to me. He was visiting me. I was dog tired after holding vigils at the hospital. My sister was dying from metastatic breast cancer. I had been visiting both she and my mom everyday. My mom was in the nursing home recouping from multiple strokes and my sister was dying. My mom didn't know and my sister asked me not to tell her. I was so tired and hadn't been sleeping. He came over to let me get some sleep. The Lord told me to get him out of my house before he started an argument. I got a call and excused myself to answer. When I came back, he was watching a pastor on TV. I sat on the love seat and closed my eyes. He began explaining what the pastor was saying. He asked if I understood. I have been a Christian since I was 9 and had studied the Word for years. When I didn't respond to his regurgitations of what he thought the pastor's sermon meant, he then started ranting and raving and then said, "That's why you are by yourself. No one can tell you anything. You have the "American Dream, you have the house, the cars, the "good job" but you don't have a man!" I'm like where did this come from? I walked away from him then. I had excused his outbursts before and walked on egg shells to keep the peace but at my most vulnerable, he lashed out unprovoked and called me a "stupid b word". I was done. He tried to call and apologize but I had had it. He reached out after 17 years during the onset of the pandemic. His mom called first to feel me out and he called the next day. He made small talk then asked if we could go out as friends now that restaurants were opening. I told him, "No and to go on with his life and tell his mom not to call me for him." I blocked their numbers and then changed my number. His mom and sister were his "flying monkeys".
I am sorry that you did not have support when you needed it most and had to deal with your narcissistic attention seeking narcissistic boyfriend at the same time, but you should be proud of your strength and resolve to effectively deal with it and not let it happen again.
@@toshiespeaks2609 thank you so very much. That was the final straw for me. My sister's death nearly killed me and almost made me lose faith so his desperate need for attention was more than I could tolerate.
Good move! He sounded like a real loser. Sounds like he was jealous of you. You did the right thing. Men can really make your life hell. I just broke up with one and its so nice and peaceful now :)))
Spot-on, Dr C. Their sudden "flip-outs" explode from rage that is always so close to the surface. They have a constant seek-and-destroy mentality, responding with venom to the most innocuous conversation in a quest to regain control, especially once they know you are onto them. Thank you for your analysis which helps us understand why this occurs.
That is a great analogy that they are on a constant seek and destroy mission. So true.
When I was doing the bidding for the narcissist in my life (mother) I was called “my dependable and responsible child”. When I finally started saying No, I was all of the sudden an a$$hole and “just like your father”. The narcissists moods can change with the snap of your fingers.
Good for you for saying no!
😥
It’s SO wrapped up in “dominance” that one can NEVER be anything more than groveling, subservient and miserable. Everything is perceived as a competition or one up. If you feel or do good that’s a dominance alert trigger and Not Okay. Rage 😤 can be used to try and bring you down into their comfort zone-below their level.
A 'flip out' often catches you off guard. They like to overreact to your reaction to cause trouble and blame you on causing an argument. They like to have their 'fix', if you know what I mean. Thank-you Dr. C. for the different perspectives you put on things.
This!!! My ex narc would blow up over any little thing he could and take my reaction and exaggerate it and cause a big argument and then try to blame it on me. It’s my fault, I cause the drama, etc when I’m reality it was always him doing those things.
@@jessicayoung6208 that is so true!!
Ignore their flipping out and the violence comes.
Amanda: Yes.i have learned I must prepare myself for the flip out outbursts. I actually plan out what I will do if it happens at home, in the yard, in the car, etc. The car is the most challenging. I handle that by placing my earphones or earbuds in my ears and watch you tube. After he settles down , I request a restroom break . My restroom break is quite long. Long enough for me to return to a state of relaxation.🙂☮️
@@choosepeacetoday Love it!
No matter how hard you try with the narcissist and how kind you are, she will always ultimately treat you badly.
read in other channel on comments, someone suggest saying to a gaslighter/rager *"wow! i must be a horrible person; if i were you, i would NEVER talk to me again"* that works when they already *do not* give us the SILENT TREATMENT 🤣😆😂
I kinda used that to leave. He had called me abusive. So I was like, you shouldn't have me in your life if that's what you believe I am. He backtracked. Said he wouldn't want to be with me if I was really abusive. I didn't backtrack. I said that i Thought he meant what he said. So yes, we need to split up permanently.
I hate it when people abruptly flip out.
Years ago, my college roommate flipped out on me in a crowded lobby of a building on campus. She wanted me to let her drug-fueled boyfriend borrow my car and I said “No.”. To begin with, it wasn’t my car in the first place, but my parents’ car, and they both had instructed me to not let anyone else drive it. She raved and ranted like her booty was on fire or something. Never was I so embarrassed in my life. In hindsight, I see now that she was just an entitled narcissist who used people for her own ends.
Good for you, standing your OWN GROUND and also respecting parents wishes. The power of the word NO
The word "no" can show you soooo much about someone. Amazing.
I told my narc that NO he couldn't borrow my car for a three week trip to Martha's Vineyard right before I was set to go abroad for the summer and would be running a lot of errands and visits in the run up to my trip. You would have thought I was cannibalizing babies. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the summer. Which was kind of a relief.
“If they can put the focus on you then that takes off the focus from them”. This should be written in solid gold!!!
I am a certified family life educator who just discovered this gem of a channel. Your conversations on narcissistic disorder could not be more precise and is the best discovery I have made thus far into the new year.! Thank you so much!
This is 100% accurate. They want you to be blind or at least pretend that you are blind.
I disagree in part with the idea that they want you to pretend to be blind. I found with the narcissists in my life that if you walk away, disregard, or ignore their temper fit they will escalate it to whatever extent is necessary to corner and attack you. This can include blocking your path, making accusations that you are making fun of them or don't care about their problem, grabbing you or objects you are holding, demanding that you answer them or answer some absurd question which is often posed as a "yes or no" but in fact is impossible to answer either way, demand that you fix whatever it is that they are raging about, regardless of whether it involves you in any way, threatening to punish or retaliate against you for your failure to fight with them or argue back. This of course is a classic double bind because even the slightest indication that you don't wholeheartedly agree is fuel for further attacks on you. Also, if you agree, they will claim to know that you don't really agree and seek to prove it as well as punish you for thinking whatever thoughts they believe you are thinking. They are indeed the self appointed Thought Police.
Around Narcs you are constantly walking on egg shells and in a constant 'cold war' mode and also depending on the Narc type it can blow over into full scale war. It felt like anything can trigger a reaction and you get a nasty toxic 'vibe' from them majority of the time, trust your inner instinct. This is how I came to view these individuals.
Someone pointed out one of their many lies, or suggested they are not perfect. The narcissist noticed someone else has a quality or ability they lack, and that triggers their shame. Life hasn’t conformed to their false reality... the list goes on
the two I am dealing with are putting their own retirements at an ever higher risk of being completely wiped out by their own actions.
It's like they can't see that everyone paying attention knows they are lying and those helping me are building an ever bigger stack of evidence against them for it.
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 Oh yeah. 2 Sr. NAZI, Dimwit bros.
So obsessive, possessive and controlling.
The orig., BULLY didn't like that I, finally, had Boundaries. Goes Ballistic - then, Berserk!
I wasn't falling for his 'Triple Bind' B.S.!! ... Or, his "Shared Fantasy"!
Even the Grandiose 1 played such $tupid/ $illy & "childish" Games!
Petty, uncalled for and TL. Irrational; and with absolutely No purpose! 😱
It's soo freaK'n mind-NUMB'ng; the Idiocy, Absence and Absurd ity of it all!
Yet, how Dangerous, devious, delusional, damaging and just how depraved the Narcopathic ones are is Devastating.
I hit the "Terrible Triad," with 3 Narc sibs! ... The late, ULTRA Blue, HRC Clone - was just as GREEDY, $elfish, $elf-indulgent and Criminal, too.
But, she didn't consciously set out to Hurt and Harm others, intentionally*! Inadvertently, yep. - A Covert; Communal/ "Inverted" Narc!
A Food and $$$$$$>•VAC!
The only way to go is no contact. Sad when it's a family member, but you do what you have to do. No regrets.
Absolutely! No contact. I have read books about how to handle narcissistic family members. I was shocked and really angry when I read one writer giving advice of how to maintain a relationship with such a family member. I was angry because you will always stay victimized one way or another with a narc around, in your ear. That's not any sort of helpful advice any doctor or expert on this topic should give anyone looking for help!
And even when you sever all ties, it can take a lifetime to erase the negative tapes you have playing in your head from the narc, especially if they were your same sex parent!!
This is the way. Yes, sad, but it's less sad and harmful than the alternative.
No regrets.
I went no contact ten years ago, and life has been immeasurably better. I just got the news that my narc has croaked, and the feeling of relief that I will definitely never hear from him again is overwhelming
This is a constant for me with my narc. I feel like I have to always be ready to deal with a freak out. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night or first thing in the morning or if I'm sick, he's gonna do it anyway. I even point it out to him when he does it. I tell him not to lose his head and to get control of his emotions which I'm realizing angers him more. When you live w/someone who does this, you can't truly relax around that person. It's even affected my sleep.
So very sorry you are dealing with this. They are consistently inconsistent. The covert narcissist i deal with (separated five years now) sweetly told me to “let him know when he’s doing this because he ‘honestly’ was not aware he was doing it and if he’s made aware then he will understand better how to stop doing it.” Did i believe him? Yup. And just like you mentioned- the narcissist i deal with got worse every time i pointed it out (like he asked) regardless of how calmly i pointed it out to him. I hope you are able to break free, love. You deserve to feel butterflies when you’re nervous,l instead of the creepy crawler kind of nerves!
Absolutely! My cortisol levels were probably through the roof my whole childhood and youth!
It makes your body and soul sick. Cause you are c8nstantly in fight or flight mode. Terrible.
It's like living with someone with a grenade in their pocket.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Thank you so much for your sweet words. You're always kind and supportive here! I hope I can know happiness again too. It's always inspiring to hear survival stories🤍
Just about anything.
Yoooo... */w\SLAYER/w\*
“This person will never be my safe person.” Wow. I wish I’d had it explained to my like that earlier.
They certainly do use 'rage' / loud outbursts to control others, thinking it will intimidate us. Sometimes it's a bluff, but it is still deeply disturbing / harmful behavior to move away from for good. Thank you for this great word, Dr. Carter.
@blairsy
Exactly right, friend. The word intimidation says it all. They intimidate as a way to beat you back into the box they want to contain you in because they really do not want a real, whole person in their lives. They want a foil--an extension of themselves to fill their inner void. I have had an overt and a covert use intimidation against me. With the covert, I always backed down bc he was the father of my kids and I was not financially able to get away. Got away after 35 years. The overt, who I dated last year, he pulled one act of intimidation on me and I disappeared from his life. He did not see that coming! Booyah!
Mine is scary. He’s choked me a bunch, which is the biggest red flag for murdering your spouse when they try to leave. It’s hard to wrap my head around the picture his behaviour towards me creates, but I really need to look at it all, because it could get ugly for real. It has before, more than once or twice. So, people, please be aware that your moves around this kind of person can most definitely cause them to want to harm you if you hurt them the right way. Be careful, and I should take my own advice. I moved out but we have a son, I’m trying to allow him room for therapy or psychiatric help, which he has started now. The problem is he wants more of my time and really the once a week with our son is all I can do, because I’m so livid with him, I can’t be close like that again right now. Maybe after some time to grow but it’s only been a month. He’s getting mad that it’s only once a week and I don’t want to hang out on the phone all day. What would be the point of me leaving if we’re still together all the time? I’m just at the end of my rope, trying to allow him to change enough to not be a total asshole, but he doesn’t get why I don’t want to get all teenager lovey dovey with him all the time. It’s for show I think. Deep down he’s just trying to suck me back in by being so lost without me. He knows how to pull my strings. Well he used to. Now I think he’s lying all the time so I’m not so easily moved. He hates it. And hates he can’t control me anymore. I think I need trip to the 2a store… or the taser store…
I fully agree. The loud rages are more than I can handle. It’s disturbing and emotionally crushing.
@@upstatenewyork I stood up to the narc in my life and have a permanent dent in the back of my skull. He slammed me to the ground and I hit my head. He knocked me completely unconscious. He had not one ounce of remorse for it! He has surgery this week and I sincerely hope he throws a clot!!!!
Iit is called narcissist rage. Google it. An unbelievable level of rage over very little, or nothing at all.
Flipping out can also be to bring attention to themselves, especially when the attention has been on someone else at the time. Just like a child throwing a tantrum.
I’ve had to deal with several physical flip out’s from narcissist’s.The look on their face is completely demonic and there is no doubt that I am in the presence of pure evil. It’s a horrible experience and to this day when someone stands or touches my shoulder from behind, I jump about a 6 inches off the ground. The PTSD it has caused me will be with me for decades if not my lifetime.
Agree. The trauma of the abuse lingers. It does lessen fore after 2.5 years no contact. Keep strong!
@Justice it is completely demonic. I am still recovering. 🙏 for your healing.
@@thrivingnow7395 it’s been a lifetime and it’s still not going anywhere soon. I’m happy for you though.
@@windysmith7367 Thank you, prayers for you a well. 🙏🏼
Some narcissists are damaged to the extreme and suffer from multiple personality disorder. I knew three of them[ I was really good supply in those days]. Some of their alters have blackness behind their eyes.
I went in for trauma therapy. ten sessions. feel pretty good now.
Living with a Narcissist is truly hell, suffering, no joy, the sky stays grey and the sun can never shine. You are their prisoner.
R U N !!!
This video came at an absolutely perfect time for me. My covert narcissist has barely spoken to me all day - very passive aggressive, brooding, looking past me, only speaking to our teenager at dinner and not to me... for all the reasons you just listed. I am consistently applying what I have learned from Dr. Carter and the results are fascinating and empowering. Thank you so much!
Gray rock is so helpful when you can't get away!
Get out of that, trust me. Thataking you look inferior at dinner and ghosting you, will teach your child very bad habits on how they treat others. I spent 28 years and it was a total waste of my time. More hurt will come, the longer you stay. It hurts bad if you love them, but every hurt is a lesson and you will be fine. Don't waste your life.
Some narcs realise that you are afraid and they like that, so they harangue you over and over again.
A recent dustup with a now ex-friend started when she perceived that I left the room in an angry way the night before LOL
She unleashed the Narcissist and sought to punish me the next day. (A good night’s sleep didn’t calm it down, in fact it GAINED strength during the night 😜)
She brought up all my “faults” and sought to bring me to heel; to dominate. Only I didn’t play. Wished her well and left. She was crying, I was smiling. It was the first time in my life I stood up to a narcissistic attack in real time.
Good for you!!
Real time is the hard part! Thanks for your story, it's a good prompt!
V Well Done!
🤜🏾🤛🏻💪🏻💪🏾👍🏻👍🏻
That's like hitting the bonus target at the carnival!!!🎉🎉🎉
What causes an abrupt flip out? Anything, nothing, a sports loss, a sock on the floor, kid not wearing his hat, heat on too high, phone ringing, and on and on
I’m so excited to watch this video. Even though we’re not together anymore, we do share kids. And I’ve always been baffled by how he will suddenly flip out. Everything will seem normal and fine and then Boom like a car crash or something he suddenly acts irate and flips out, someone not familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder would maybe confuse it with someone who has Bipolar Disorder, but it’s different. I know mine would always have a flip out when I refused to acknowledge, agree with, entertain, etc his false accusations of me.
Reminds me of my ex. There was many times where we would have what I thought was a good day together, but suddenly in the evening she flips out and I have almost zero idea as to why, or I'd be blocked by her for up to two weeks and I'd have no idea why. Or I'd be chewed out and she'd say that I should know why she's mad and I'd have no idea why.
yeah, I figured out she's nuts but bipolar or borderline did not match up very well.
NPD fit like a glove.
My ex boyfriend is a covert narc. I’m thinking that he may have thought he was ghosting me. However, (lol), he never realized that I loved being alone and many times I was glad when our phone conversation ended or he left to go home because I was ready to be alone. I guess that’s the reason I was a bit blindsided when I realized he was a narc because he popped off at the mouth and said it. I was too independent for him. He discarded me to go to another victim. I love my power!
I wanted to see this now. Lol. Husband just flipped out because during homework with kids I corrected his Grammer. I wasn't rude. I just told him the answer was wrong and tried to explain grammatical rules. He lost it and I am apparently the biggest scum and most worthless person on the planet. The stress of living with a narcissist is so big. I am so lost and hate that I love him and want our family to stay together. There is no peace or joy with a narcissist. Everything in every day life must be handled at the ultimate dramatic and disgusting level. I miss my old self. I miss who I was and hate that I have believed his BS for so long.
With narcs, gotta put a sock in it or face the MISERABLE consequences.
Its crazy how much of a carbon copy these types are. My ex had exact same behavior, call me worthless all the time too. Do not believe it! You will regain your self confidence and the pendulum will swing the other way. ❤️
yup, ANY sort of criticism will do it, they can dish it out like nobody's business but can't take it at all no matter how gently you tiptoe around the truth. One ex of mine when I was 19 or 20, I said "you know, you don't treat me very well" and was abruptly picked up by the throat, strangled almost unconscious, thrown across the room into a wall, picked up off the floor and thrown at another wall. and that wasn't the end of it, either. I escaped the next morning and never saw him again. had black and blue handprints on my neck. there were 2 smaller incidents of physical violence before that, but that was the last one. i was lucky I survived.
@@sheilajac ♥️ My heart goes out to you. I am sooooo glad you survived that and were able to escape and never see that very emotionally-unstable individual again. More humans, than we would like to imagine, have dysfunctional emotions. They are in a deep emotionally hollow void due to how adverse traumatic life experiences have done to them too, possibly in child development years. This is why # first1001days are absolutely vital toward a fully-functional society, but we don't have to put up with, or endure, their dysfunction. Just escape as fast as ever possible. Survival is everything. Full stop. I hope you are enjoying a happy life now. Sending peace and love ❤️
❤️ Oh my god, I feel so sorry for how his behaviour, not only shocking and upsetting you to your core, will be also causing so much emotional damage to your Children's mind and brain development...even teenagers go through the most sensitive and pressurising time with a lot of teen suicide due to their hormones all over the place, bodily changes and school/peer pressure/homework pressure etc, and preteen are almost in that place and they NEED a happy, calm, peaceful, loving HOME for them to flourish and thrive 😓😞 Give them as MUCH love as you can, and if things don't get much better, could/would you maybe think about leaving with them to begin a NEW LIFE as an independent, dynamic, confident, aspirational, inspirational Single Mother who your Children can look up to, and not as the emotional doormat that you're being treated as right now, as it sounds. You seem very confident and educated and maybe, I don't know, deep down your husband has stress &/or low self esteem and is threatened by your confidence and educational level, or that he doesn't like being told something that is correct when he's wrong. No reason whatsoever for his behaviour. Disgusting and shocking. This is more common than anyone would like to believe, hence the high numbers of domestic abuse (emotional, verbal, financial, physical, sexual, coercive-control etc) so if you can relate to any of these within your own relationship, it isn't a love-based relationship from his side and is all one-sided from your side. The love you're feeling and giving is reaching out to a stone-cold wall. If you think mediation for both of you, or counselling for him, would help, suggest it, otherwise there are other options and they're all open to you. Imagine the dream you had of a perfect happy home/family life and work toward that dream, whether you have to go solo for the sake of your own and more importantly your children's emotional development. What lessons are they currently learning in how to treat other people, and how they expect to be treated, especially as a male being abusive against a female in this day and age. We don't need to shut up and put up with this macho, patriarchal, big muscle, loud voice, fragile male ego abuse any more. We really don't. I've been a Single Mother for almost 25 years and never looked back. Never. I'm free, make my own decisions on everything, not walking on eggshells, relentlessly trying to keep the environment, caused by an abusive male, calm and balanced, to no avail because it just keeps on coming, and we're in a mindset of actually just waiting for it to happen, so we can never be relaxed, and NEVER LIVE LIFE in the peaceful present moment, as it is MEANT to BE, like being in the garden smelling the most beautiful rose🌹💓😌👌🏽 The financial and emotional freedom of Single Motherhood brings this metaphorical fragrance back to life 🌹💓😌👌🏽 Instead, they have us, or should I say WE have allowed them to have us, in a deplorable, draining, energy-depleting and basically heart-breaking emotional/mind state, and I mean this in the emotional sense *and* the literal sense because this type of longterm stress ages us (our internal organ functioning, heart, nervous system, the mind-body connection) faster than we are supposed to, and are expected to, as emotionally-functional, emotionally-healthy human beings. I have better and much more interesting things to do with my LIFE. It IS a LIFE. It's MINE. As a Soul I CHOSE to LIVE this LIFE, and maybe I chose to go through all of the emotional learning I've needed to gain the insight, knowledge and wisdom, but there comes a time when we say, NO MORE. Time for Happiness. I refuse to tolerate this and put my life through this unnecessary abuse, turmoil, pain and anxiety. And although I can choose to marry someone, I can equally choose to divorce someone...because...it's MY LIFE, and I get to CHOOSE who is in it and who is NOT. ABUSERS aren't. It IS MY LIFE to LIVE, not suffer. I wish you and your Children a beautiful and happy joyous life ahead whichever choice you make and whichever route you take. Sending peace and love to you ❤️
P.S. A priceless little piece of insight knowledge, which I gained in meditation whilst going through all the pain, was this thing called 'love', why do women (or men) still love the person who is abusive to them, so I went right in, and deeply, and analyzed my true feelings and emotions to get to the root of what this 'love' emotion was that I was feeling. And there, the answer stood out like a beacon of Divine Light. And it's THE most subtle energy shift that it's unnoticeable with the shift from infatuation, romance, relationship to when the abuse becomes consciously apparent and unignorable....it came to me that I really no longer had love left for him in my heart because I was always crying with a broken heart. The lightbulb moment, or the penny drop moment, as we call them was when I realized that all of that relentless 'FULL HEARTED' emotion that I thought was still love, was actually me *YEARNING for him TO love me* and that was when my whole nervous system recalibrated from the mind down over....and I found peace within...still cried buckets for months as I am a human and all of the pent up painful emotion, frustration and total humiliation etc had to be dealt with and worked on toward 100% healing. I've NEVER been made a fool of again. He wasn't the first abusive relationship I've endured...but he was the last LOL. I've never wanted another relationship because nobody can ever give me what I can give to myself...and it doesn't involve expense either...unless I want a rare material treat...but all of my time, energy, money, effort, love has gone toward working &/or studying to give my offspring what they needed from me, either materially or inspirationally. I work, have studied, and earn and do what I want. I'm a good person and live a wholesome life. The archaic marriage system is going down the pan. Women are catching on and this is why so many more males are becoming violent because they see on all social media how women are taking charge of their own lives. The more Single Mother peaceful, love-filled homes we have, where Children can flourish, thrive and fulfill their potential because their emotions aren't shot to pieces by an abusive adult male in the environment, the sooner we can discard the old boys club and establish a new form of male child where they look up to females, because they have a new model to look up to without any so-called 'adult' male tainting the view, and a new form of female child where they aren't abused by males any longer because their Single Mothers show them the way 🥰💓😌👌🏽
I have to keep reminding myself - this is not about me, it's just the way he is. These lessons are incredibly helpful!!
My dad is a total malignant narcissist. He flips out over the stupidest things. I remember him nearly flipping a table over at me when I was a kid because I held a fork the wrong way. They truly are unpredictable
I’m pretty sure that my ex just looked for reasons to flip out. He had a cold once, and I asked him one morning how he was feeling? He totally lost it, yelling at me saying that he “ was sick! How do you think I’m feeling?!!!” At which point I told him that it was the last time I’d ever ask him that. After so many episodes like that, I eventually lost all empathy for him.
lynne, would have 💙 to reply to your ex
"no *dumb arse,* i am asking for specific symptoms, so as to treat them, fever❓/chills❓/aches - head or body❓congestion or runny nose❓ear pain❓ etc"
@Mary Carroll is that a narcissist thing? My bf does that all the time.
@@lifewithapurpose237 lol
I guess Lynn told HIM
🤣🙄
@@lifewithapurpose237 I love your attitude. It is neither passive-aggressive. It's just so smart and human at the same time
My mother was complaining to my sister about a chronic health issue she was having, so my sister told me. Concerned, I asked my mother how she was feeling, she exploded and reacted as if I’d told her I was waiting her to die. There was no way anyone could possibly come to that conclusion except someone (like mother) looking for a reason to get a good hate case going and cause chaos. …but that was mother, never happier than when flying high on hate and put-downs.
I asked him not to do something in my car, and he started questioning why. When I said it annoys me, boom! Finger pointing, attacks my character, tells me about myself, etc. Should have left his @$$ on the side of the road.
The flip out is nothing short of the ways a 3yr old child reacts when they don't get their way. I thinks it's hilarious to watch a grown man act like this!!! I never laughed so hard until I witnessed this behavior. Of course, over time it has become an embarrassing moment when my husband flips out publicly. And to see outsider reaction helps to support more understanding to my situation. The saddest part is that he has absolutely no self control over his emotional outbursts.
You are accurate!
There's a flip-out incident I will never forget. It was the defining moment when I realized something was really pathological and broken in the relationship that needed my self analysis and insight. I was talking to this person, things were going well, no problems. We had a discussion, and I made a statement about something that was relatively matter of fact. The anger, contempt and flip was so out of proportion to what was said I was speechless. He brought up something from 25 years before as a hidden resentment that had never been resolved, a grudge, an injury as if it has just happened the day before! I was so shocked, I argued, defended and corrected. I was lied to, I knew it, he believed his own lie and went from there. I was devastated. What came out of that incident was the best thing ever over the next few months. Self-reflection, insight, help and information. All came together in the sharpest understanding of the relationship, my participation in it, what I could do to improve, recover and heal. It was terrible as an incident, but it was the bat over my head I needed to realize that this person was beyond my helping him, understanding his thinking, changing anything except myself and my perception. I needed to take care of myself. I went through the phases of healing. I had insight and understanding which allowed me to make huge shifts and changing in my thinking, behavior and life. That terrible night was the kickstart to a better life, and I didn't even know it. I came to complete acceptance of him as a person. I came to greater respect, positive self regard and growth as a person for me. Thanks for your videos. They always spark great thoughts, and you have been a person I have listened to for quite some time because you have offered ways of thinking and context I had not considered. Thank you.
Doctor Carter, the hardest words that hit me throughout your whole video was when you said that he will never be your safe place. You are so, so right. My prayer is that one day I might have a safe place.
Thank you for this video. I was married to a narcissist for 6 years. A couple of times he flipped out and I had no idea what was going on. The last time he flipped out he strangled me…came up behind me and put a bag over my head. He stopped when I started losing consciousness. I left and never looked back. I never understood his behavior. This video helped a lot to know the “flip out” is part of their behavior. Thanks Dr. C.
That sounds horrifying. I am so glad you are safe and managed to get out! That is a major accomplishment. Wishing you healing
I would say that was extreme, and maybe he had worse problems than narcissism.
@@Hatbox948 yes he did…I only found out after seeing a psychologist for two years.
You can’t tell a narcissist ANYTHING without them getting insulted. Tell them the sky is blue…and if they actually listened to the full sentence..or didn’t start humming while you’re talking to show what you say isn’t important…they will argue about the sky.
Even Dr. C's own pup 🐶 comes here for peace lol
Thank you, Dr. C, this was PERFECT. Going through a divorce and living under the same roof with my Narc. I've requested that all communication be in writing because he baits me and then records the aftermath. Last night I was watching something that made me laugh so hard, I was crying! 🤣🤣🤣 This morning he storms into the room and says "I don't know what you're doing, but if I find out, I'm shutting all this shit down!" W. T. F? Then I realized that he could not bear the fact that I was HAPPY. 🤦🏾♀️
Can you get away, stay with a friend or something? That doesn't sound like a safe environment! 😯
Just thinking the same KG.
Roxanne you need to leave, quietly and secretly. Don't tell anyone where you are and deal with your solicitor only. This won't end well otherwise, whatever you do. Please don't shout it from the roof tops and in a bid to get one up, or a need for instead pleasure. This will put him straight into, "I can't have you then noone else will " . You remember that saying!!! All the best.
@@carib_feet69 Thanks for your concern and advice. Unfortunately I can't afford to move until the settlement is final.
They don't live, or let live. There's no 2 way street about them.
First comes the assignment of blame, from the narcissist, then come the proclamations, then come the ultimatums -- THEN, it's over !
I once said to my covert narc ex "Why are you acting weird?" Well then she just flipped out, screaming "I DONT ACT". Well I was shocked. I think her reaction was so defensive and angry because I was too near the truth - ie, her being scared I would realize that the whole persona is just an act.
From my experience one of the tough things about having a narcissist choose you as their adversary is that onlookers think that they are observing two people that are not getting along. In actual fact the situation is really a domineering bully and their victim.
The victim is getting dragged into a competition (read war) they don't want to participate in. It's all so destructive and scarring. Your dead to rights accurate Doc if you say no or block their efforts they will go for the jugular and you are just collateral damage they don't give a damn about you. I'm so glad your site popped up in my feed certainly time well spent. (🐕I can see how Gus is a major asset. I'm guessing he chases away narcissists in his sleep! That's a good lad!)
My mom use to be the target of the narcissist. After she died I became the target. It really shocked me. I tried to make sense of it all. Impossible to make sense of nonsense.
This channel has been such a tremendous help in understanding narcissists and what to do and not do. Thank you for the help.
The narcissist I was with would flip out without having any real emotion about anything, just a method of traumatizing with rage to really kill my self esteem and sense of safety. Real loud violent yelling with a booming, ear spitting decibel level.
While we grow up assuming that everyone has similar empathy as we do, does the narcissist assume that their peers are also narcissistic? If not, they must embrace their differences early on. They must be aware that they represent a small percentage of people, but they see it as a better way as opposed to being vulnerable in any way.
My narc husband went off while we were in the car . I was driving . I just nicely asked if he talked with his mom today and how she is … he freeeeaked out ! I almost wrecked the car . He does not want me to ask anything about his family . It’s awful :(
Asking questions about anything usually doesn't turn out well...
It's the most terrorizing thing.
I always went into freeze response for about 3 days then when you want to discuss it your natural reaction is the problem and not the attack or the cause of attack. My x always has the same response, and now still with our grown children, " ohhh stop! ( Laughing) You know that's just my anger issue and I don't mean it"
He means it as it never stops or changes and he never attunes to it or apologizes and has zero concern on how it affects anybody.
They condition( or try to) you to dismiss their extreme behavior and adjust your response or perception so they can continue the agenda of control and manipulation to uphold the false self and pathology of extracting their existence quite frankly.
It's all calculated schematic trickery. I know this because I've witnessed him shut it off like a light switch with unexpected onlookers.
The biggest trap is when you believe the narc rage is defense in nature rather then the offense mode that they indeed are fighting from. Understanding this construct was game changer for me.
I found I also went into Freeze mode. My mind would literally stop all thought. This made it easy for my narc to pound me with questions I literally - physically was not able to answer - so more rage....
Yes .. I observe that offense from a sibling frequently these days as it has been escalated for a couple of weeks and now Is affecting my sleep .. he must not be getting the narc supply he was previously from other sources OR he is sensing my knowing what he is and it is causing the escalation. He rarely visits his kids and they don’t visit him even though they aren’t far away. He now plans to blow $3k on a fake cattle drive in another state like the movie city slickers and asked his son (and me and I said no) if we wanted to go .. he said he wasn’t sure his son had the cash .. funny that, since my sibling seems to think he’s so wealthy yet won’t fork out the money for his son to join him since the entire idea is simply his idea not his son’s. The utter lack of self awareness ( or is it?) of his own selfishness is mind boggling .. I can bet his son will not go for any reason .. I feel so sad for his kids and grandkids, but I have get myself away too
So true
Adjustments, criticism, difference of opinions,traffic, not being overly admired, being your true self, mishaps,etc all make narcs rage out
In my narcissistic ex wife’s case, she flipped out when confronted with the bare-bones truth to refute her lies.
I could never imagine being like that. Where do these people come from? It's like they never change. Just people who were born to be bad people
Had an ex bestie do the narcissistic flip out on me. Like, WOW. It ended our friendship permanently which is certainly more costly to her than me because I make friends wherever I go. HER friends are all long distance which is the only way her relationships with them have lasted as long as they have LMAO!
It's amazingly validating to get that 20/20 hindsight where you see *exactly* what happened and why, and cringe in humiliation for the narc - as they project their garbage onto you they are basically telling on themselves. To watch them embarrass themselves like that, which they ALWAYS do, is its own entertainment, once you decide you no longer require their "contributions" to your life.
Love u, Dr. C!
Thanks for sharing this. I strongly suspect the video will hit close to home for you. Best wishes. Dr. C
They are full of impulsiveness, because they lack of the codes how to deal with life challenges.
Very accurate. Dr. C
Loved the part where you said the narcissist can’t keep up ‘normal’ for very long 👍🏼🤣My kids remember ‘happy-go-lucky-good-time-daddy’ from when they were malleable supply as youngsters w/out outside world experiences or individual opinions. That all changed when they became (as kids should!) individuals with burgeoning independence. BOOM! Dad’s rages were frequent, venom filled, absolutely horrific. Like he was trying to squeeze everyone back into the fantasy that he controlled us all and was entitled to do so. (Gaslighting that being different was abhorrent) Did a lot of emotional damage (CPTSD) that we are happily unwinding after my divorce and adult children’s choice to go no contact. Happy-go-lucky-good-time-daddy was sadly his false self🥺so PAINFUL to realize that. For decade we hoped that was the real and the rage monster was ‘just something he was going through’ leading to the mistake that if we could just correctly walk on eggshells that good guy would re-emerge. Nope! Dad still uses me as scapegoat. If I’d’ve spanked our kids more or took them to church more none of ‘this’ would’ve happened 🤔(mind you HE never went to church either!)
OMGorsh! You are describing my exact experience with my ex husband and children. 🤦♀️
My dad exactly. Thank you.
Thats why i stopped going to church. It became another source for him to use against me
Wow, my childhood and adolescence to a T!!! My narcissist mother STILL holds a grudge against my childhood self, when I started to have my own wants and needs and thoughts and opinions. For so long I felt like I was a bad daughter. If I could just be good enough we could have the relationship I saw other girls having. At 34 years old, I know it will never happen. She is ill. My heart doesn’t break anymore. It simply feels pity for the ugly shell who gave birth to me.
And then, after the flip-out, forget that they even flipped out on you. Or say that I cant be responsible for the past, we have to focus on right now
Narcissistic rage is offense not defense.
They're not defending. They are fighting.
Once you get that it's game changer.
You'll never be free from the narcissists grip until you finally realize the fact that you are not having a real conversation with an adult human. It seems real, but it isn't. The only way to win this game is to stop playing.
Dr C you are a supportive and wise teacher and friend to us all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you very much. Dr. C
Most baffling to me is when my narc husband asked, "I wish you were more intimate with me. Why aren't you more loving towards me?" Understand, I am not abusive at all, just quiet, respectful, disengaged and grey rock. The one time I told him, very quietly and sincerely, that it was due to his tantrums making me not feel close to him and not feel respected, I heard about it for the next 6 hours in a screaming rage. Don't do that.
I understand it makes you feel disrespected and they become unattractive to you. Married to a narcissist for 43 years
@M - I hear you because I can relate to it. They erect these barriers themselves by mistreating and devaluing others then turn around and blame others for not being ‘intimate’ or feeling guarded around them. Go figure.
They don't seem to understand the cause and effect dynamic.
It's weird how narcs like your husband (and my brother, and many more, I'm sure,) feel so entitled to be bullies and then get all hurt-acting because we won't be close to them. When we establish healthy boundaries by keeping a healthy distance, that act of dignity, in and of itself, can cause retaliation. My brother is trying to paint me as a cold, uncooperative person to other family members. He's a wizard of deception. I'm actually concerned for his soul.
After her tantrums it would take me more and more time to recover my energy, until eventually I couldn't do it any more and withdrew.
The resident narcissist, where I used to work, on one occasion flipped out on a fellow worker who responded by saying “I have work to do, freak out on your own time” and walked away. The rest of us looked at the narcissist, then ignored him and went back to our own work. He left in silence.
Good response by all!!
Bi-polar, the narcissist goes every day, flipping out, the one I know does it all day long, a 60 year old throwing tantrums and meltdowns, it’s disgusting to be around it and I can’t help but feel embarrassed for them, no control whatsoever, they don’t care who witnesses it.
One I knew got particularly temperamental when he was broke! He'd have scream-in-your-face tantrums over minor things, and after awhile I realized this correlated with his finances.
Perfect timing. Mine just decided we were going to change the way we communicate. He wanted to stop using the talking parents app. I said No. not until we are done with the children’s financial responsibilities. He flipped and said I demean him and don’t give him info on the app. Lol. Dude, you have lied and tried to manipulate. I stood my ground. Thanks Dr C.
YAAAAAAS! Good for you! He just doesn't want to be held accountable, and you're making him. Stick to your guns!
I lived with a narcissist for some time (without knowing the person was a narcissist). He had me convinced that (his term) his ‘flash anger’ was a real medical condition over which he had no control, like some inherited genetic illness. I believed him. Now I laugh at myself for swallowing that whale of a lie whole.
I spoke to a counselor about it and it was the counselor who showed me that he was in absolute control all the time. When we spoke of the different incidents of his catastrophic, terrifying outbursts it became apparent that the only time they happened, was when he was alone with me and could never be observed by anyone else. He could wait to get cross until other people left our company or until we got home.
Hope this helps someone else to realize what they are dealing with. If a behavior only happens, when you are alone, then they are in total control of that behavior.
Stay safe everyone.
🌲🌝☘️
Or alone with me in a car…my husband LOVED raging at me whenever we were alone in the car together. Didn’t matter who was driving…
@@PuzzlerDeb yes indeed. The car was a place where if, they were alone with you, they knew they couldn’t be overheard. They are so dangerous. I hope you live in safety now. Best of luck for your future.
☘️🌝🌲
@@elizdonovan5650 and she was a captive forced to hear it.
My now-ex husband flipped out when I dared to make a comment about a movie filming location as the end credits rolled (I was disappointed they never set the movie in the location it was actually shot) He flipped out and assaulted me. I had to call the police. They removed him for the night. Crazy. So glad I am now single.
My elderly (ex)narc husband and I attended a program at a prestigious college where the Masters of Accounting students would do our income taxes for free. Our taxes were very difficult since we'd bought and sold a house, and also the previous years' taxes needed to be amended. The student assigned to help us worked feverishly, consulting off and on with his supervisors on the more difficult aspects of our very complicated tax issues. Finally after six hours of painstaking effort he presented us with the forms to sign...and my husband became irate and flipped out because he didn't agree with the numbers. I stood there shocked as he yelled and threatened the student, "I'm going to file a complaint against you!!" The student said, "you can't file a complaint, I'm volunteering". My husband stormed out of the building yelling and cussing. Later when he calmed down I tried to talk to him about his behavior and he totally denied having a fit or raising his voice. Didn't happen.
Has it ever happened to anyone, that you walking a little ahead of them, in a busy street or a market etc, and you turn around and they’re nowhere to be found? They just hide or disappear
Abracadabra, ALL the dam time!!!! First, they won't hold your hand anymore in public. They walk ahead of you and not beside you. If there's anyone else present in the group, they'll pay attention to them and pretend you don't even exist! Or as you said, they eventually just disappear altogether if it was just the two of us. My Nex did this in stages over the years we were together. They're even crafty at different types of humiliating and degrading silent treatment. Isn't that what it all is? They're pond scum and worse with the way they treat others.
I remember this in relationships, and thought it was just me having a fear of abandonment, or lack of trust. Thanks for your comment. The repercussions are so far reaching.
@@yime6631 it was hard to comprehend any such behaviour while we were together, but now I can see the sadistic pleasure they drive from such activities. He humiliated me subtly (initially)and then bluntly towards the end. Never felt like a wife. Just some woman or some chick (as he liked to call me).
Yep. Thought it was just me. The fool just… LEFT..one time while we were at an event where I THOUGHT we were there together, even though I’d met him there. I thought he had gone to the men’s room. He was GONE. I wouldn’t even have been there I’d he hadn’t invited me. Relationship didn’t last very long, after I figured out he was not senile, just an old meanie.
@@queenreg7 reading your experiences of what he did to you, doesnt it make u say to urself, “NO MATTER HOW HARD I try, i literally find it IMPOSSIBLE to ever do that to someone”….i can seriously say that reading ur comment about how he’d just leave out of nowhere - then that last sentence hit me. I thought of how u mustve felt when u had to deal with that😞.. I say this bc ive never felt so hopeless in my life when i try to maturely tell her that she is trying to make me completely doubt myself!!! Now im actually so angry that ive let her continue to treat me worse than anbody ive ever met. She had/has me ‘hooked’ bc she would threaten that shes going to find someone better than me & “all of her exes were more peaceful & would buy this, buy that…….
, and ive never had an ex GF do anything of the sort so i knew something is not right
My ex used to flip out on me almost every day. Their most favorite time was when I was cooking dinner. She would walk in the room when my back was turned and scream at me, usually screaming that I was doing something wrong. I assumed that this was a delayed response to something that happened at work. Some days though, she would flip out in public. Talking about these events with her was also a no win situation because they would then get upset at me. Thank god we split up a long time ago.
He or she ?
@@keithclark486 She.
Saying NO .
There was one stunningly crazy event that convinced me my ex must be literally dependent on and addicted to having a massive flip-out outburst of anger every day. It was a quiet, pleasant weekend afternoon. He'd been doing little tasks he wanted to do in an upstairs part of the house and I was doing little tasks in another part. All was quiet, pleasant and peaceful. Suddenly I heard an almighty burst of rage and swearing as though he was having a violent argument with someone, telling them what a horrible incompetent jerk they were, but nobody else was around. I went to the bottom of the stairs and looked up. He had a small framed photo in one hand and a hammer in the other. He had just stepped down off a small step stool and was picking up a small tack he'd been holding from the floor where he had dropped it while hanging the picture. THAT was the major drama that had set him off at a time when nothing else could have on a peaceful, pleasant day all by himself.
my ex, same way. They can't handle little everyday mishaps.
One narc I worked with was convinced god hated him and was shocked when I said those mishaps occur with everybody.
Ugh .. yeah those tacks are such a problem. My brother has taken to wearing a knife on his belt loop while just walking around the house .. the other day was carrying a gun .. never did this even a year ago . I need to leave and am putting money out to where ppl who want me around so they have space for me to move there .. I’m going there today (3 hrs away) for a few weeks to get things setup .. the toll being in this toxic soup is too much
This video helped me to make sense of why my “friend” walked out of our lunch, leaving me with the check and needing a way to get home. Preceding this tantrum I told her that her all-pervasive need for control was negatively impacting her life and the lives of those around her. She was not happy, as you can imagine.
Wow, what an a$$hole. I hope you blocked her number
You did tell her.
The mental/emotional/physical damage the "FLIPOUTS" have done to not only me but our four sons will never be "fixed". We all show signs of severe PTSD. It gives my husband constant new fuel to complain about what a never ending disappointment we are to him.
Thanks Dr C, Gus is the perfect “Grey Rock” prototype.
They also do it as a calculated strategy. My mother borrows money from people and then creates an imaginary slight, acts out a huge tantrum, and cuts the person off so she won't have to pay them back the money or other resources she "borrowed"-my father used to brag about how he would fight w people early in a friendship so that they would know that he was someone to be "careful" with
👎Crazy- 👁️ This is why I don't lend money to even family.