The Profound Emptiness That Drives A Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ม.ค. 2022
- Despite narcissists projecting themselves as full and complete, they are actually empty inside. Dr. Les Carter describes how they have little to draw upon from within, which explains why they need your validation. As you see their shallowness and emptiness, you can learn to stay out of the "requirements" they place upon you to keep them falsely puffed up.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Be happy when the narc leaves you. They are being as nice to you as they possible can. They know they will abuse you, so they don't contact you. If you contact them, they assume you want more abuse. Abuse is all they can provide. Leave them alone.
And how do the become narcissist. You think think they sign up for it like some kind of religion. Is there no sympathy for a condition in which the person has no idea they have. Jesus people
@Autumn Leaves I am a male who's been diagnosed with
Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And when I got married, I got I had no had idea what narcissism was. I watched my marriage slowly breakdown over years. As of now I am in the mist of a narcissistic collapse and it's not anything I intended on happening in my life. Look shit happens, we meet people we fall in love and sometimes it's a horrible experience. But it's not a reason to classify every human with NPD as evil and horrible people just because your experience. It's a mental illness in Wich we do as we feel is right. I am god's child just like you are. I'll pray for your soul not to burn in hell.
@@sandraalford6485 It's not an illness. It's a learned behavious pattern and they can learn not to do it. They just choose not to. Rejecting responsibility for their actions is the definition of what they do. Calling it an illness is just more of the same.
Wish mine would leave it’s a game who’s brave enough to leave first
Update .., she got a temporary restraining order .. but I beat it in court I’m gone for sure now 🙏….. watch out guys
They’re always empty inside because they never make room for the love of what other people can give them. Their so full of themselves & they’re big time takers !
funny thing dr.r said. Why don't all the narcs just *PAIR UP* and leave breathing room for the rest of us 🤣😆😂 (something along those lines)
🤓😏😆 well put ! I like that.
Because they are emotional vampires. They have to have somebody to feed off of somebody they can knockdown to feel Superior to they are Lowlife
Cos they need validation and only can get from an empath . They would end up beating each other up if both narcs
There is no supply in another narcissist.
If they just went with a narc ,it would be easy cos they would understand each other . But that defeats the object . They only go for empaths. Hence we get hurt . Whereas they could not hurt another narc could they .
My ex would tell me that I was never satisfied, that I always wanted more. It's sad and infuriating at the same time how they project all their own issues on others.
The narcissist i dealt with yelled at me one, “IM HAPPY! WHY CANT YOU JUST BE HAPPY.” Oh the road i could go down with that one.
You’re so right- both sad and infuriating at the same time! Hang in there
my ex was also a projector
so ...
i was boring
nobody loves me
i achieved nothing
i'm poor
etc
etc
real projection issues.
i fled once the topic( not projection, but threats) started turning to death and how my family would have to pay to get my body back...
@Mary Carroll you have my sympathy. people like this are not rational when they talk like this, hence you have to get out fast. local police were useless since they were persecuting their own local population during the arab spring and i was an expat. They unfortunately hold the idea that women are always sweet and innocent( they used religion to back this up) rather than bad people do bad things.
It illegal for me to have a gun in this country, but thankfully im in another country away from her.
What I found exhausting is my ex could never be wrong. It was always somehow my fault.
I heard the same thing, that I was never satisfied and nothing was ever good enough for me.
It is hard to live with a Narcissist, because you have to give up being known and loved. All the while they go out and get their needs met with others. Not fun or fair.
Their thirst is never quenched. Their satisfaction never reached. That emptiness is perpetual. They have voids they will never fill. Ever. What we give or don’t give has zero to do with it.
And when I realized that, I actually did have some compassion for the narcissist.
That doesn't mean I excuse them from their harmful behavior and I certainly do not want them in my life!
Exactly that. Beautifully and succinctly put.
It will leave you exhausted and empty.. then they will say " what did you do today"?
I have a former twin brother who is a narcissist. He he only dated loose girls for the longest the longest time, never really had a stable friend group, and sat on Twitter and just donated to right wing groups, and that was his whole social life. When I would mention that I had fun with my karaoke friends He would always say something like "oh you're out with your drunk friends who can't sing" or when id be w/my running group, he would always say "You guys are just gonna be injuring your knees and arches." Hes a joy killer and very empty inside.
Marie, your compassion is your humanity, and that is admirable, but you’re right in not letting it guide you to being manipulated into keeping them in your life!
When my husband asked me why I was no longer "giving (in)" to his mother, my answer was "because I have nothing left to give. I literally have nothing left and she's a bottomless pit." Years later, I realized she's a narc so her extreme emptiness all made sense.
No one gets to be happy unless they are happy, yet they are never satisfied. Think about that.
A cup with a hole in it. Can never be filled
My ex, a covert narc that I was with for 6 years, told me that he refused to be happy. Happiness was not for him. Instead, he wanted to help others - that was the only way he could find meaning in life. They would rather engage in grandiose thinking than realize that their black hole hearts directly torture those around them. It’s ridiculous. Thank God I left
Never satisfied! Never content! Never happy.
Established boundaries will literally save your life. Do the work. It’s important. Not just for you but for the world!!!
Sometimes not that easy to maintain in our now computers too filled world.
Absolutely !! Since you are aware about how serious this issue is & it is a world wide reality. Help me create a nonprofit organization to help victims find safety, education, support & resources. Help me destigmatize this issue & legitimize victims of narsaicistic abuse as victims. 🙏
It's amazing how long we stay with someone who makes us feel worthless and never question the whys and wherefores. With me it began in childhood with a cruel narcissistic mother and I think she groomed me for a lifetime of abusive relationships. I used to think I was the only one who was unlucky enough to have had an abysmal childhood and partners who were just like my mother. Thanks to these channels I'm learning so much.
me too i actually figured out once my abusers were physically gone that it was ME who was making/allowing me to feel worthless yes because my mom self hated and projected all her toxic shame it groomed me yes because i was continueally devalued, rejected, and abused first by my mom then my ex in every way BUT I had the power to stop it it was within ME that the belief of my worthlessness existed not outside of me with my abusers once i started taking full responsibility for myself i could then easily reject that an abusers actions to me were proof of MY worthlessness and couod clearly see how someone treats me was always a reflection of who they are I WAS SET FREE!
No your not the only one. I thought the same thing. But we are in the right place now. My mother is my narc too.
I know. I always thought it was me and everything was all my fault. I finally learned how wrong I was. I was groomed by a narcissistic mother and father to take everybody’s 💩 as they used me as their dumping ground. They ruined my life!
@@kellysims5732 so sorry you've been through this. Hugs to you 💕
@@christar9527 the rest of your life starts here. Don't let them ruin any more of it. Sending hugs 💕
Dr Carter you said it without saying it and it is true: Narcissists are indecent individuals. It’s harsh to say that for a person but that is the only conclusion one can draw after knowing them closely for a long time. It is as disturbing as it is sad.
Right. Dr.C
The empty can rattles the most...
The most frustrating thing about narcissists is the harm they cause with their deceptions. Lies truly are evil, and a whole life of deception is almost beyond comprehension. What insanity to choose lies over truth to such a massive degree. It's like choosing death over life. Mind-boggling method of "self preservation".
They can’t be self aware because that would mean letting their guard down and facing their emptiness.
Yeah, these people are empty shells trying to fill that gaping hole with superficial surface level things that never satisfy them!
Interesting topic. All of the narcissists I've had the displeasure of knowing over the years ironically had a similar favorite saying: "I don't give a _____!".
Each one filled in the blank with their own favorite swear word and the sad thing is they truly lived up to this mantra. They didn't want to grow as a person, they weren't curious about the world and I doubt they ever even truly appreciated things like a sunrise or a sunset the way normal people do.
They are truly empty, soulless people!
You get it, Chelle. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism That is true, and I learned it from you Dr. Carter. It helps me to love and overlook and forgive them. (I still won't take down my barriers, however)
@Angie A yep, angie. like i heard someone post from tic toc *"forgiveness granted, access denied "*
Can not be to quick to trust in the name of forgiveness (pg 38 book "Boundaries" cloud & townsend )
I had to laugh at the fave saying you quoted! Yup, that was one i heard often while growing up, along with “Because I’m the mommy!” As a kid i was fairly certain becoming a mother didn’t automatically come with all-knowing and all-sufficient power but i didn’t dare express anything that remotely looked like common sense.
@ Chelle B - and the flip side of their "I don't give a #*__" - is that we're "idiots" & "care TOO much." My soon to be Ex says that to me... inferring that I am a loser, weak, etc., etc. I now just look blankly at him, but inside I am saying "Yaaay me." When I leave, I will be happy & peaceful. When he leaves, he'll be dragging his sorry self around with him!
They don't support others because that conflicts with their competitive nature. Building others up would threaten their need to always feel superior to everyone else. I think that's why my ex has gotten worse as he's aged; he can't keep up with younger people (as much as he refuses to admit it), and he can't deny the reflection he sees in the mirror every day. Hard times are coming.
this is so true, they are so empty. It is hard being around them, that doesn't drain you.
It's odd how they think. They often gravitate towards people that have traits they like or admire, but then they will also find a way to crush you because of these characteristics. It's a weird mix of inferiority, jealousy and superiority.
Deep down I'm sure many of them know that you can do better. They just want to keep you in their web for as long as possible before moving on to their next victim.
Dr.: Thank you. So right you are. Narcissists are absolutely forever joyless. No matter what they have around them AND they certainly don't give a damn about the people around them (unless they can exploit them, of course.)
My older sister is a malignant narcissist & nothing makes her happy!!! Same as our mother. And they both can't stand each other!
I cut all ties 45 yrs ago & never been happier!
I think that this is the most important concept that you can learn for you to be able to deal with a narcissist. I had narcissism in my family, dad and now two brothers, end up married to a narcissist one was parasitic the other one was mean. So after dealing with all of them and getting away from the main one, I started studying up on this. And this is the most important thing that you must know to shield yourself from the treatment of narcissists and the terrible effect it can have on you throughout your life. I wish I had learned all this 40 years ago. My life would’ve been so much different. The narcissist in my family and those at work, are dealing a new person now who is immune to their tactics. Now they go looking elsewhere to practice and to source out others they can drain.
Well ... nobody knew all this 40 years ago ... nobody that is but some shrinks who kept it all secret. This is all just on the internet and in the United States, it's still you know, not widely known. The first of it came out when 45, Donald Trump was identified by a leading public figure as a narcissist. But Dr. Les Carter has these academic abilities to talk like this for ages and smart people, are going to be difficult to deal with if they're narcissists. Just beware of these people, don't let them know you're aware of their dark sides.
@@keplermission4947 Course the shrinks keeping it secret were mostly narcissists… haha! I think the hardest thing about the complex is that it’s so enmeshed into the human condition. Perhaps for some reason we have yet to see. But it’s undeniable in its existence across the spectrum of our cultures. And slowly, surely taking us down.
Yes, absolutely!
Strength to Anyone who reads this, I'm so blessed to be learning So much from such Good people. Studying the traits of narcissistic people Does help A LOT for me dealing with a very disturbing situation. Thank you very much ❤ Knowledge is Power!
I could have written what you said myself. Although I had both parents, two sisters, their husbands, my husband and his mother to name those I was closest to. I managed to attract more at work and living situations too. They can sniff out a person who’s already been beaten down like bloodhounds. I know that if I had this knowledge of narcissism 40+ years ago my life would have been very different. The world is full of them and this information is more readily available to people now. So many people have been burned by them. It’s about time we address this plague.
Inspiration, like happiness, comes from within. Empty souls never create, only imitate (and usually badly), which makes the self-deluded narcissist a "genius" of mediocrity.
What you say here is so true. Dr. C
I love how your dog is so relaxed on the couch… almost like he is listening. Great discussion as always x
Gus likes Dr C's calm voice....
He’s so cute!!
its his couch
Yes well you never have an narcissistic dog or any other animal, much more fun hanging out with your pets or animals than most humans. Just love his dog sleeping peacefully to his Dads calming voice.
I have "People Pleaser" -type of narcissist in my life who, instead of putting others down, has a burning (and in her case self-destructive) desire to come across to others as "helpful", come hell or high water, whether others want her "help" and especially her non-stop "advice" or not. The behavior also involves incessant gift-giving. This never-ending process of "Can I help?" ,"Here's a nice gift I found for you!" and "Well, what you should do is..." comes at one like water out of a fire hose and is unbelievably exasperating and difficult to manage. Severely limiting contact with her has been the saving grace.
they also deflect their nonsense onto you wen it's them.
It makes me so happy to see Gus sleeping in the background. I miss my beloved doggie Starr so much.
@Mary Carroll I am so sorry Mary. I offer you my heartfelt condolences for the lost of your precious beloved. I am aware these words of mine do not lessen the pain, yet I offer them anyway knowing the grief of your loss.
@Mary Carroll Thank you Mary, I am glad to know this. As you said some folks don't understand the deep & profound connection. I have had other doggies yet I found the loss of Starr almost unbearable. Like you, I look forward to seeing my beloved doggie in heaven. I wish you peace & Grace to help ease your sorrow.
Yes. Indeed they are empty,and yet they can transfer their shame and guilt and worthlesness onto you.
They are psychic vampires yet they're profoundly empty. The energy they take doesn't equate to the energy they possess.
wil: makes me wonder, if they suck up all the energy we put out (¹ why are they so empty) (² why is the energy they possess *SO* negative❓) makes me reflect on *WHO AM I* how can i change the phenomenon of them not taking or learning the *GOOD STUFF* from us but 'are they' *'reflecting'* 🪞us back to us⁉️
Well then what an *UGLY* picture of ourselves that realization is. 🤔
Well said.
@@lifewithapurpose237 it goes into a bottomless pit, a black hole. "Don't cast your pearls at swine" is wise advice imo. Imo the best thing you can do is try and set a good example as a healthy person and hope for the best. If they are going to change they have to do it themselves. It doesn't happen very often but it can happen.
@@lifewithapurpose237 There's not enough ego stroking in the galaxy to fill these narcissists up. Furthermore, they don't even see other people as people; just objects to move around like chess pieces to benefit themselves. They don't think like other people.
@@lifewithapurpose237 They are true alchemists they take our positive energy and transform it into tar.
I know a narcissist who was married 5 times with multiple affairs inbetween plus being addicted to pornography. Another one of his addictions is alcohol. A truely messed up person, full of the emptiness in his destructive soul. So sad to witness how they not only destroy others but ultimately themselves. I knew him for 7 months until he failed to control me any longer.
I bet alot of people read this and wondered if we knew the same narc.
I dated that guy LOL he was a sociopath!!!
@Mary Carroll Thanks but I found another one🤷♀️🤦♀️ but I use the tools I've learned and don't let him get away with CRAP lol
@Mary Carroll funny you say that it is a bit overwhelming at times
@Mary Carroll I'll do it till he pushes the last button
At the end you descibed her lack of introspection, and I laughed out loud. You are a gem Dr. Carter. Not only do you expand my awareness, but occasionally you make me laugh about this ridulous situation I got myself into. Thank you Sir.
Lack of introspection would have to be the understatement of the millennium
since all they do is feed off others, they aren't full of themselves, they are full of others.
Isn’t this the perfect description of a narcissist? Because of the understanding of how they function this was the first Christmas and New Year I was not tossed in his waves of his narcissist ocean ! I can’t express How wonderful this is! Thank you God for leading me and others to Dr Carter and Team Healthy 👍👍👍👍👍
Thanks so much, Susan! Dr. C
🙏
Yay for happy holidays!!!
@@karenmoore5075 right?! Every single time! Good for you for the new tradition
@@karenmoore5075 - Eirher Dr. Carter or Dr. Ramani actually had a video about why they ruin holidays! So glad you & your husband decided to create your own fun, happy & healthy holidays. 👏👏👏
I was recently struck by how profoundly ingenuine my sister is, stolen reasons to be angry, stolen happiness, stolen fears, stolen credit, projected condemnation, stolen praise, stolen emotions, stolen frustrations, stolen objections, stollen offence, stolen defence, stolen substance, stolen boundaries, stolen voice, stolen logic, stolen reason, stolen empathy, stolen apathy, stolen sympathy, stolen civility, stolen tears, stolen missused morality, stolen victim status, projected perpetrator status, projected insecurity, projected faults, projected fears, projected lies, projected responsibility
Nothing is where it should be,
It's like dealing with a hollow shell of an imitation of a human
Money=love in my family. They surround themselves with trinkets & expensive nik naks & lord their wealth over people & don't seem to understand that life just isn't like that for the vast majority of us. It's the little things that matter - a hug or a genuine 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you', something narcs are incapable of. I almost feel sorry for them.
That makes so much sense, "so full of themselves because they are empty"! ! I used to think it was like dealing with a 'black hole', nothing was ever enough....and this explains why. Thank you Dr C, your videos are so insightful, clarifying and healing from all the trauma/drama. Love to Gus too 👌💜🌹
The ABYSS!!!!
So true … the one that made my life miserable (employer) was an alcoholic, obese, womanizing, porn loving, gambling, cheater (in business and personal dealings). He tried to fill that black hole in every way I can imagine and yet couldn’t.
I am here because I literally googled “why does my spouse constantly lie?” I then found my spouse described to a tee in every one of his videos. It is as if Dr Carter knows him personally, it is uncanny! He even says “ I am sorry you feel that way” when he should apologize for his black heart behavior. He even insisted that I change out of my uniform in my retirement day before we went out to dinner. He was seething with jealousy. To this day, I wish I wore it proudly after 23 years in service. Thank you Dr Carter. Every day is a gift now that I know the evil that lies within, and how lucky I am to be self fulfilled.
All of it...me also...escaped, and am happy
The timing for this session is absolutely impeccable for my situation...gotta watch again...God Bless and keep you Dr. C. You are my hero. Loving my place of peace. ✌
When we went out to listen to music, my boyfriend completely ignored me because his priority was to evaluate the band, the people around us, and compare music group to other groups he heard in the past. He struck up conversations with the people sitting near us and ignored me. The music was never good enough and I soon realized than I would never get a thank you for setting up the evening. All of his charm and fun loving spirit focused on others. I could see the confusion on other people’s faces as they realized that I was with him but that he left me out of all conversations and did not act like he was with me. The real kicker was that he has glaucoma so I had to do all driving and help him find restrooms. He bought me a drink and then held court with his audience. I learned a lot about myself and setting boundaries and what I value in a relationship. I am grateful that he lives in another city and we are unlikely to bump into each other. Dr. Carter, i listen to one of your videos each day as reinforcement of my resolve to steer clear of narcissism in the future. Each morning I write in my journal and next to it is a long, long list of the narcissistic behaviors and attitudes that were so painful. Thank you for your work in this field of psychology. My best to Gus. BTW, my father was a narcissist - temporary tolerance of this boyfriend springs from watching my mother trying cope with my father. It all comes from childhood, as you have stated.
They’re all missing someone much more profound and significant than themselves, you, or me.
Indeed, they are walking contradictions & bottomless pits of need.
Their level of arrogance is directly proportionate to their ignorance.
🤩 Amazing how you can continue to create these videos with new take aways! 🤩
Am about to join Gus again in my afternoon nap! 😴
I need to say that your dog is absolutely precious. 😊
Thank you. I'm rather fond of him. Dr. C
No matter whether empty or not, narcissists are destroyers.
The way I put it, they try to elevate themselves by diminishing you. Not a good relationship strategy. Dr. C
This one is hitting me harder than others........I have had to deal with my older sister abuse for my entire life, my job was to fill her cup, even at my own detriment. As I got older and starting my own life, seperate from her, every positive step I made forward was quickly shut down and ridiculed, and I let her voice occupy my thoughts and behaviour for far longer than I should have. Sadly, I no longer have a relationship with her because it's just way too toxic.
@Mary Carroll unfortunately she has never viewed me as an equal, I always had to be less than. Once I started to reach my personal goals, wether it be in my own family or my job ect, it drove her crazy! That's when the really nasty slander and flying monkeys started.
Funnily enough, I actually started to basing some of my decision making on doing the direct opposite of what she was advising me😊
Same here
This is the perfect description of my twin sister. Never ending comparing me to her. Always trying to take me down when good things are happening for me. Always thinking that blowing out my candle would make hers burn brighter. (I didn't make that up, but heard it somewhere and thought it so fitting) I finally had enough two years ago, because I just couldn't deal with a new pandemic and her attacks at the same time. I told her to have a nice life, and haven't spoken to her since. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Narcissists have no insight and can't self reflect so they think by putting you down makes them better and it makes them feel better about themselves too, my ex dad is a narc he did the same things to me, it's really hard when it's a family member, like you I just walked away and the peace has been priceless, it's always best to remove the toxic person from your life you can't do anything with them!
So heartbreaking.....I grew up with us being compared all the time....I am so thankful that I love myself in a Godly way that I never allowed my mom to make me feel less than....but mom almost DESTROYED my twin she was so broken from the NARC's abuse and has lived with me for the last 9 months and is doing so much better! You must protect yourself and find Peace. Dr C's Surviving Narcissism is a great place to learn how to handle things.
You just explained My relationship with my "brother"
Thank you dr. C! It was good to be reminded today of how empty the narcissist really is! It helped me to understand why the narcissist has done all the things that she has done... thank you team healthy for all your help! 💞
"Have you ever known a narcissist to be truly content?"
THE DOG IS CONTENT lol
True...I don't feel they are truly deep down happy...need others to pump them up...takers!
I gave a lifetime of friendship and support, we couldn't get along anymore, so I left as softly as I could. I cried when I made the decision to walk away, but 10 years later it was the right thing to do.
I wished her a long life no matter how she felt about me. We had been friends over 35 years. Vast history.
But I guess she was really mad that I continued to live on and, through channels I was familiar with, carried on a smear campaign of many years.
Ever have someone look at you like you caught them with their hand in the cookie jar? Yeah, like that.
I always figured we'd just be neighbors and life would go on.
But the clock ticked down last week, and I'm devastated. Her husband seems to have developed a darker personality in recent years and she took him down to the doctor. Turns out he has early onset dementia. Got angry at old friends. Angry at me too. The wonderful man my friend was married to for 45 years, I went to their wedding,..........is gone.
And now so is she. She was his anchor all this time. He's lost his moorings.
I hope he lets someone in his life help, he's turned his old friends and me away.
This is a window on the end game of narcissism. Its heartbreaking, terrifying.
When my grandson moved in, my husband was ready to attack him on psychological and intellectual domain.
So to snap out of compliance, I had to break free of NOT going on with his status quo. I began to verbally fight him to stay away from my grandson. Well that made HELL RAIN DOWN. But I continued to protect my grandson. His defense became "you just think you know better than EVERYONE ELSE". For the first time, as he crumbled bc my unwillness to concede to his way...I also saw him then not know how to cope with my uprising. I saw true deep ugliness I never knew existed. This state of mind brought me intense confusion...which lead me here to find out WHST THE HECK IS GOING ON??? Well now I can say he scores high high on the 'fragile narcissist'. This woke me up. I'm now moving on in my life without him.
Time to leave old Narky in the dust.
grandma, you are so wonderful human being! 🌹🙏
I know what you describe, the ugliness! I began calling the behavior I received ugly also. 🌸🌼🌻
Ty. Think nature steps in...like a mama bear and her cubs.
agree, when moms become grandparents there is a *significant* shift in their protectiveness. have noticed with my siblings. glad about your *uprising* and count yourself fortunate that you got to know his *uglyness* to prompt you to take 🎬 action
You can count on them for absolutely nothing...
Narcissists are like biting into a chocolate Easter bunny thinking it's solid, and it crumbles into pieces falling everywhere making a mess. Very disappointing.
Good analogy.
My narcissistic mom has actually told me before that she didn't want to clean house or continue her education because she feels empty inside when she's single and that mess and bad habits basically distracted her mind. Like they need constant chaos and stimuli when they're not holding up the mask. It's insane what makes them feel better is destructive or anxiety inducing in us.
I just got cought in a hover but reacted quick and got away.But still hurts and messes with you're head because you don't know if you acted correctly.
You got out… i am at least one person to confirm for you- you acted correctly! Good job not getting sucked in
Well done for your quick reaction. You definitely did the right thing. My ex hoovered me after a year and I actually got as far as typing out my reply text agreeing to meet up. Thank goodness I caught myself before sending it! I called myself all kinds of stupid. I know for sure that if I'd sent it, by now I'd be right back in that dark hole he kept me in for five miserable years. Hugs
As an intuitive energy reader I always see them as hungry ghosts.. So in their mental body that they are never satisfied it's like a black hole... One of my favorite wisdom stories talks about how the human head can never be filled.. relentless and never ending.. Can drive some of them crazy
an inuitive what?
Megan, can you share the title of that story? So glad you commented, I'm learning something new ♡
@@AD-cc7bj you wouldn’t understand.
@@doghairdontcarelindaniel7531 Please explain. if you are not confident with your belief, you don't fully believe in it
Like the hungry ghosts in Pacman that never stop chasing?
Oh gosh, you couldn't have said it better. They are so deceitful. They blame others for their wrongs & mistakes & failures, instead of saying "What can I learn from this, how can I grow?" They never admit that they are wrong, never try to make restitution. They want the easy way out. They want others to pay their way and do their work. They want credit for everything, but they want someone else to do all the work. They want all authority - but they want no responsibility. They don't give credit where it's due to others who give them so much and work so hard for them. I know them very intimately, unfortunately, as I had a family full of them, and then married one. My mom and ex-husband and sister and younger bro were the evilest creatures, so full of hate.
@Mary Carroll I lived in fear and shame all my life. I didn't know love existed. I'm sorry you had to go through this also.
@Mary Carroll I totally understand how you feel. When I participated in the Gulf War, my mom called me and asked if I was going to die, and she acted disappointed when I said "No". My family had stolen from me, lied on me, used me, abused me, tormented me, bullied me, belittled me, controlled me, etc. Even called my supervisor, the police, family & children services, anybody she could call. to make my life miserable. My own flesh & blood mom testified against me in court when I divorced my narcissist husband, and he continued to take me back to court to try to take the kids away from me, and she was there each time with him. They never give up. I got a hate letter from her everyday until I moved and she didn't know my new address. And I could go on and on.
I used to think I was sinning by not speaking to my parents and siblings. Now I know that I am not sinning by going no contact. The mom has died, and nobody understood why I didn't go to her funeral.
My narc also told me there will always be someone younger and more accomplished than me.
They are sick ppl. I just feel so sorry for them!! They need spiritual healing inside and out.
I hate when they try to make you feel like a bad person if you don't go along with what they want. Grrrrr
Such manipulation. Grrrrrr. Dr. C
The narcissist at work said in a meeting a couple of days ago that she knows how to do everything the quickest due to her being there for 30 years. This was because the way we do things, which is often how she wants to do it, despite her just being the same level of employment as the rest of us.
There is a lot wrong with that logic which she hasn't considered:
1. The company welcomes ideas from new employees because they can think of better and faster ways of doing things that existing employees might not think of due to settling into a routine too much. She is saying with her statement that no mew employee can possibly come up with any better ideas.
2. Two other members of the team have been there longer than her, so why are their ideas not the quickest? When they are at odds as to the best thing to do it's her who has the say in what is done. If it's not 'official' she edges her preferred way into the role in a way people wont notice and then tells people to start doing it in a manner that makes the person think it has been formally agreed while they were not present.
3. She hasn't been in the role for 30 years, it's been 15 years, she was previously working in the reception and couldn't possibly gain any knowledge of her current role while working in that one.
4. She can't possibly know the quickest way because she has very little computer expertise, and in order to know the quickest way you must be able to know all the possible ways, which in an office means you need to know how to make databases and spreadsheets with full scripting abilities, to be able to see all the different ways.
5. She changes things every day, even when our job has not been influenced by external factors, so each time she does that she has basically stated that the previous way she wanted it done was not the quickest.
Very interesting statements regarding “evaluation” I relate this also to
“non conformity” if you don’t play along with the narcs game there is nothing you can do. You’re always beneath them. Even the children of the narc do not stand a chance. Babies, toddlers, teens, all the way through adulthood. We’re all just collateral damage. Btw he’s 74 years old they get worse with age, not better. Remorse and regret are 2 words narcs do not understand ☹️
💯💔
My mother is 86 and it becomes worse every year...
@Mary Carroll I’m not sure. I worked for one and he’s around at 74. Kept alive no doubt by meds his extreme wealth allow him to afford.
I always have this problem of feeling ashamed and worthless when dealing with a narcissit.
That's their goal. They're strange people.
As you increase the awareness, it will change
For many years i felt like this,till i was depressed.
If I've been talking to someone and I walk away feeling bad about myself I know I've been with a narcissist.
Yeah, icky. But enjoy being who you really are among the people who don't make you feel that way and the problem will go into perspective. ❤️😉🤗😘🥰💖✨
Sigh. My family.
Thank you Dr Carter for setting me free from faulty thinking about myself as well as them. I have always felt fundamentally flawed as a human being and wouldn't allow myself deep friendships. Now I know why!
My late stepfather needed lots of appreciation and admiration. He was never satisfied. He blamed me for his unhappiness.
Thankyou Dr. Carter. I was married for 26 years to a psychopath. A man who had been brought up in an upper class family by nannies and servants, he went to boarding school and suffered boarding school syndrome (neglect), and could not empathise or console throughout marriage. He left when the children became young teenagers and too difficult. Told me I was dead to him and never to speak in his presence again as he had ‘moved on’ and that his girlfriend was waiting to move into our family home, (Australia), so could we all hurry up and move back to the Uk (my home country). Literally threw us all away !! It was 10 years ago and that discard is still shocking to me..In the Uk I went on to meet a communal narcissist whom I thought was wonderful as doing loads of stuff in the community. He seemed to be in charge of every event in the town I lived! He collected various waste and sent it off for recycling and would let the town know what he had bought with it...’for the community’. He didn’t even have a waste bin as recycled everything and made compost. It took me much therapy in a Hospital facility once a week for several years ( I was diagnosed as having suffered a nervous breakdown) to realise that he was not who I thought he was. All he did ‘for the community’ was actually for himself to be seen as wonderful. He would never have done anything anonymously. He actually put a post out asking whether the people in the town would like to put him forward for an OBE for services for the community !!! The people here think he is great because of all he does, but they do not realise that his motives are corrupted. He has never put a penny towards anything, would ‘fund raise’ then buy whatever, and let the people in the town know that ‘ I have purchased xzz for the ‘youth club’ ‘cricket club’ etc. He loves having his photo taken receiving cheques, and with a spade ‘planting trees’ ‘the new playground’ etc. No one sees through him. He is extremely tight with money and spends not a penny on anyone but himself. If he has cakes or pastries left over from one of his ‘sales’ he never reduces the price or gives them to the kids nearby. He puts them on his compost heap as it is still ‘making him money’. He can never be in a deficit !! He came to my house because I had shortchanged him by one pence after going shopping for him. Why are narcissists so ‘tight’ (mean) with money? I woke up to his meanness/grandiosity/arrogance and emptiness, but it took a few years and therapy, I think because of the damage done to my brain by my psychopath ex husband !!! Looking forward to a future on my own until and unless I meet a man who has all the attributes that Dr. Carter has described that we are worth x
Thanks for sharing this, Maisy. I wish you the best as you move forward, and I'm glad to be on the journey with you! Dr. C
I admire your courage to walk away to heal.
Yup. My sister was married to a Narc. One day, he told her he needed to down-size his life, and served her with divorce papers. He was a lawyer who knew local judges. Even though he was the one who sued for divorce, and even tho he had plenty of money, he made the divorce very difficult.
...black holes: the more you pour in, the emptier they get...
YES!
One of my SIBLINGS used to write me 6 page, single Spaced TYPED letters of my Past mistakes-- then he called " I got FREE MILEAGE- come visit!"" ( no WAY)
That free trip would come with a price! Dr. C
what about the vulnerable narcissist that always shares how anxious they are, how they have no friends. it's like you can see the emptiness and you want to console it, but you have to remember they are the ones who turn you onto your vulnerabilities as soon as you do something they don't like.
Very well observed! This is also my sad experience!
@@andreal.1666 my thoughts are with you. it is so sad especially when it's siblings (hard to be completely no contact).
celebrating my little sister's wedding tomorrow, and our two other sisters decided to back out very loudly and harshly.
they did some difficult things before my wedding as well, as well as growing up, so as validating as these patterns are that I'm not "overreacting", it's still sad that they can't allow joy and attention to be on anyone else more than themselves.
regardless, tomorrow is going to be an amazing day for my sister, and these videos along with therapy has truly helped in listening to myself and being confident in my own body and mind. i hope you find this complicated peace as well💜
@@laurafloss-wilson6885 LAURA, Thank you so much for your personal response and good wishes to find inner peace and confidence inmidst of difficult relationships and sad family situations!
I hope you will find/ have your inner strenghs and power to help your younger sister to have a wonderful wedding, full of Joy, Love and Hope! This is so important and counts on a deeper level at the end (not the egocentric and selfish behaviour of other siblings)! 🍀 Andrea
That's what the whole world is like. It determines what you get. From school to careers evaluation is the criteria. Self promotion is the key to success. Getting people on board makes you a leader, a success. As an individual I have always recieved negative feedback or none at all. I'm always the target cuz I try to be honest. Lying is the basis of our culture.
Well stated and either you are in or out when it comes to the corporate game playing. Lying is the number 1 tool execs start off with.
@@sunmist22 We forget that fiction is fiction despite how realistic we can make it seem.
I was brought up by a narcissist and an enabler and then married a sociopath. He fought me every way possible for custody of the kids once i walked away. I'm now 60 and have little valuable contact with my kids. I am destroyed and barely have days when i want to be alive and the kids words about me through the evil things my ex tells them fill my being. Fortunately i have someone now who tries to keep me sane but he is no angel. Dr Carter without your words i would not know i have any worth.
I am so sorry for you and your situation. You tried so hard and got no fruit for your efforts. It makes me sick. Life isn’t fair that is for certain. My story is similar. Blessings to you.
I thank you so much for your videos. For years i thought it was my fault my spouse did these things to me but now i see differently.
I sure felt that emptiness .... frightening!
This was on Quora.... I found the description profound~
*The Narcissist Inside*
I’m not sure I have much of an inner world.
Everything I am is skin deep. Most of what I feel and experience is very superficial. What people usually see, I liken to a veneer. An outer shell, like a hollow chocolate bunny. I guess it’d be what most people call the “false self”. This is the superficial, “ideal” me. In truth the true self/false self is more complicated and intertwined than this, but most people don’t see much of the real me. This is where I go through the motions, feigning emotions and interest in you and your problems or experiences, there’s not much actual substance.
Displays of humility, conscience, and emotion are often shallow and insincere.
I have a rather vivid imagination and the same tendency for grandiose fantasy that e.g. Raelyn describes. Grandiose fantasy is a funny thing. You can imagine a world where you have everything you think you want and need, yet paradoxically you’re aware that not only is this not realistically attainable, it’s just straight up ridiculous. It is what it is, though.
Underneath this shell I would describe it as an all-consuming black hole and the debris caught within its orbit.
I’m prone to disappointment. I have a good life and a good marriage, but sometimes (less and less these days) there’s this unshakable feeling that I’m not getting everything I deserve and my family is holding me back.
At the furthest reaches of this black hole’s gravitational pull, just underneath the surface veneer, is a seething layer of rage. I am always some degree of angry. It’s the only emotion I consistently feel with any intensity. If you poke holes in the veneer, this is probably the first thing you’d see, shining hotly through the cracks. Even when I feel fine, it’s more like this anger is simply repressed, not actually absent. It’s there, lurking, some way, somehow, always looming ominously.
Everything else gets caught up in this black hole’s accretion disk and drawn inexorably toward the event horizon. Repressed memories, feelings of worthlessness, emotions or empathy, they all get sucked in and repressed.
I can launch whatever I want toward its event horizon, it’ll never fill it up. Alcohol, sex, drugs, rock n’ roll, hobbies, jobs, money, my family, it’s just never enough. It’s insatiable.
Beyond the event horizon is where all the things I repress go to die. It’s where my empathy and emotions go when I shut them off (PTSD trait, possibly not related to NPD at all). Repressed memories swirl chaotically somewhere in there, hopefully never to rear their ugly heads again.
But occasionally, just when it seems like maybe it’s had enough, some of these things spew back out in violent jets, sometimes knocking a hole through the outer veneer in a spectacular display of Cluster B-ness.
I think I should stress that this all-consuming emptiness isn’t an emotional or negative experience for me. It’s something I’m really only aware of when I’m profoundly bored, and I’m easily bored. It isn’t distressing or threatening or anything like that, and I don’t actively seek to avoid it or distract myself from it. It’s a literal, tangible, hollow sensation and some vague understanding that everything I am is a lie. I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone but it feels distinctly cold and reptilian, not like anything human.
Somewhere in all this metaphoric mess is the “real me” who is mostly just irritated by you; can’t admit weakness, failure, or vulnerability; who is selfish, self-centered, and self-serving. There are also arguably redeeming qualities I nonetheless do not view as good enough and repress into oblivion because they are liabilities, weakness, and vulnerabilities.
When I describe my inner experience people often express pity, how awful it must be to be Rose. But really, despite how I describe it, it’s paradoxically not a negative experience for me. I’m not sad or upset about it, it just is what it is. It isn’t good, or bad, it’s neutral. It’s hard to describe.
Wow! So poignant. Dr. C
They not insecure. They are actors of deception.
They do have deep inner strength. Self-perseverance. Their boat has many holes.
Shrewd, cunning, clever minded. Competitive. CONQUERERS. Winners. GOD View. POWER. Anger.
Dominance. Clout. (Not REASONABLE. Never Satisfied. Emptiness their own fault. Boyish mindset. They are not willing to grow UP, MATURE. Evolve.). Eye opening!!!
Their boat has many holes. LOL. That made me laugh. Especially as my narcissist sister has a boat.
Thanks again Dr. C. I must admit that before I tuned into you, I did not understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder or even know that it is a diagnosable syndrome. I have been fortunate in my life that I instinctively avoided people with NPD traits. In the past, when someone exibited these traits it was "pick a window, you're leaving" (exaggeration). I just want to say that I sympathize and my heart goes to those trapped with a narcissist in their home. I wish you all well.
There is a saying 'Empty vessels make the most sound'
I will be watching this again. Thanks
Good way to put it. Dr. C
I was thinking about Jeff Bezos. The guy never seems content. Seems like he is empty inside because he does not care about other people.
Even though my narc mother is gone, this helps me take her less seriously and see her as a sad joke. Thank you.
This Man is Such a Gentleman / So Correct in All that He's Saying.
Thank You Sir.
Because all you say is true and in spite of the misery several have caused me over the years, I have only one word that pops up when consiering any of them. That word is SAD. To never know true peace is the saddest way to live a life.
@Mary Carroll Sorry, Mary, that was emphsis on the word "sad", not a reference to Seasonal Affective Disorder. But it would be awesome if all narcissists could be lined up in the sun for a few hours and turn into actual loving people.
Another one I'll watch more than once. I can't remember exactly how you worded it -- but it reminded me of Jesus' words whoever loses himself for my sake will find himself (please excuse my poor paraphrasing). Dr. C, I appreciate your kindness and understanding of human nature. I know I'm healing. God bless you in every way.
Mary, I've been listening to Proverbs from the Message translation for the first time on TH-cam. I usually go with more traditional translations. But it really presents a different look at Gods view of these abhorrent behaviors. Validating. Yes, they need to repent and I wonder how many do.
I was hardly marrieď and despondently remembered Shakespeare 'Nooow is the wwinter of our discontent.'
this is the perfect explanation of why Narcissists are so empty from the inside, thanks Doc once again !
That is so true Dr Carter. They do try to pull you into their cage. It's something that i have been fighting for years but she always catches me. It's exhausting to always be watching for her next trap but I'm getting a lot better now and tell myself don't let her do it. Thank you Dr Carter!
The narcissist in my life did all the things mentioned in this video to try to fill her emptiness, as well as one other that wasn't mentioned. She was a very strong and chronic " Name Dropper", and the more prominent the name of the person, the more important it was to the narcissist to make me think that she had a relationship with this person, or knew something "juicy" about this person. It was never ending.
I found that as soon as I let go she would come back with the right self reflective talk, (usually in email or text, never spoken) but as soon as she had me roped in again, right back the narc games (I use the word games, but it was manipulative abuse really) we went. Shame on me as I let this happen 2 times in 2 years. The 3rd time, I just left without a word. That was just over 2 months ago. I am beside myself at how much I put up with. How many red flags I ignored, even from early on. I am ok and healing.
Fantastic lesson, my former childhood best friend was like this it took me until I was in my early 50's to figure it out. Putting me down to elevate her self. She even bought my dream car & house I said I wanted. She bought a beach house, she hates the beach lol. Once I figured her out, I said to her " oh, I love comtempary style these days" I said that to see if she would lean towards comtempary- she did!! Her sister, bought a second house get away, in Georiga it's a cabin. She had to one up her sister and buy a cabin on top of the mountain. But what doctor Cafter says is so true, this gal has car ( s) and house ( s) yet she's so empty inside, she a heavy drinker & she smokes cigarettes with ALL her material things she has she's so empty inside. I've personally noticed most of the narcissist I've known, have all been heavy drinkers or alcoholics. They say likes attract likes, I've never been a drinker and couldn't understand why I attracted these types of people. I'm funny, narcs like funny people, but the real reason was because I was a empathic person - A narc & a empath fit like a glove.
Oh...they fit during live bombing by the narc..after that...empaths
.should hit the wide open road..leave em...and .narcs...should be made to... live on an island..with mosquitos..🤸🤸😁😁
Your children are very lucky to have a dad like you Dr.C! I am sure you have and still provide them with a lot of support and knowledge in their growth✨
I often thought my stbx was/is empty. So empty that he needs to fill himself by draining others (me and my daughter in particular), throwing people under the bus and lying to protect the mask of 'the good guy' that he wears every day. Underneath however, they're an empty soul whose worth comes from demeaning and fooling others. Sad
I have a personal theory that what determines if an abused and neglected child becomes an empath or a narcissist is the ability to reluctantly be with (not run from) that dark emptiness within us.
My x emailed me that I was sick and demented..finally projection he got right!
I've been saying all along through my disbelief in experiencing and learning just how empty my ex husband is.
Animals have more depth and feelings !!! Truth.
I’m an encouraging person naturally, if I refer to any man, any age, as I like something, like s mInister or my young nephew , their accomplishments or sermon , I am praising men
Thank you! This explains a LOT about the issues I experience with my wife. Every day I am told how inadequate I am and even the slightest mistake on my part leads to her going on and on about how much of a failure I am. I have little hope that our marriage can be saved because she refuses to acknowledge even the slightest wrong on her end but hopefully I can use the info you provide to prevent continuing to make the situation worse by handling it badly myself. I really wish I had found your channel sooner.
There is no hope, Branon, and the longer you hang on, the worse it gets. Get out.
The narc I was with was also in recovery for yrs. Off the rails again
& gone. When I was doing therapy &
Alan on., I learned SURRENDER, to the disease of addiction, but also
to the empty soul of the narc
Never will they change.
Gus is just so Sweet... 💞
Narcissists are very arrogant 🙄. Lord help us if we don't give them the attention they so crave!
Thank you for this clear understanding of what motivates them over and over as they try to blame you and cause relentless efforts to crush you.
This sure explains why nothing is ever appreciated no matter how hard you try
The dog's ears twitch whenever a key point is being made.
A Course in Miracles explains the Ego which is fear in great depth....almost frightening to read it. And it explains God whom is Unconditional Love, and how God/Love is True reality and the ego is a false entity. Very good information. Dr. Carter your Videos are also Great information. Thank you !!