1. Oh, absolutely they smirk when they see they've upset you by their words or actions. 2. That self-satisfied smug look on their face when they think they've gotten one over on you. 3. Their over-acting reaction of bewilderment when they are caught lying or doing something underhanded, and then if you call them out on it they go into a rage in an attempt to shut you down. 4. When they think they didn't get enough praise or thanks for something they've done for you or given you, they then accuse you of being ungrateful. 5. Not listening/hearing you. They literally are not interested in what you have to say unless it has to do with them. 6. They have no normal sense of humor. Their idea of humor is laughing at the misfortune or pain of others. 7. "Crocodile tears".
Also, they grunt or say ,”hey” rather than address you by name. They don’t use your name when they speak with you because that would be an admission that you are an individual who deserves a decent response. This was how my ex was. In 20 years of marriage he never used my name. ( also no terms like dear or darling). He would grunt or say “hey”. He even refused to call the family pets by name because they were pets that I had adopted-making them “mine”. The only person or thing in the family that “deserved” to have a name was the narc!!
Or I'll be in the middle of saying something and they'll get their mobile phone out, stare fixatedly at the screen, and say I'm listening carry on and they're texting!! I just shut up. And that smirk.
My narc sister did that. She'd always be talking to someone else when on the phone to me. Then I'd get "yes I'm listening" ... but I'd hear her talking to whoever was with her in person. It makes you feel so stupid. I distanced myself from her a few years ago when she turned toxic. I think the clues were there all along though. How rude to talk to two people at once ..like you're not worthy of their full attention.
What’s crazy is that if you don’t finish talking after they say “yes, I’m listening” or whatever…they don’t ask you to finish or say “I’m listening” again or anything to prompt you to finish what you were saying. It’s because they don’t care. They never care what you have to say
1. Little eye contact, 2. Hard glare, 3. Seductive, 4. Micro closures of eye - lying/insincere, 5. Over-smile, 6. Stiff movement/Expressionless, 7. Palm down handshake - power move, 8.Limp fish handshake - disinterest, 9. Outlandish dress - craving admiration. 10. The car people drive - status. 11. How they treat service people- disdain, 12. Incongruous emotional responses - lack of empathy. 13. Hijack discussions, 14. Unsolicited advice, 15. Tense - easily annoyed. 16. Checking cellphone while you talk. Generally, need for dominance, control, entitled, defensive - it's all about me, I don't care about you. Listen to your gut.
Hijack events when things are going really well for all the other people and have outbursts if anger and refuse to discuss it when you show concern. They just say stop it stop and you say what , what do you mean and then they are like trying to make people think you did something bad to them .. We Everyone watching becomes totally confused and then you are triggered by their weird behavior and the rage and threaten you with violence and no one has a clue as to why. This is them trying to say we do t communicate and you are not listening when in fact they were intentionally being vague, combative, demanding and condescending and roll their eyes and more. It was a lot and everyone was listening with eyes and ears and still they and the others around you see they refuse to communicate in any meaningful way and give no closure by bolting. This has happened at major events and other people's birthdays and scream narcissistic personality disorder to me after watching many of Dr. Lee's videos and Dr. ramanis too.
Another one is when you're having a conversation with someone face to face and they just walk away while you're talking with them. They're done saying what they wanted to say and you're just not important enough to listen to.
@@janettebuckley4170 Did you tell them that interesting or not, that it was disrespectful and very rude? That it was antisocial? That it was an insult (shame) to their own character to behave in such a vile manner? That only disordered people behave that way? (I'd imagine that all would be met with their anger, but sometimes, I think their behavior should have a close accountability-encounter with Indiana Jones' whip. You know, people don't behave that way around someone that is more alpha than they are.)
@@cacatr4495 Janette did say that she called her mother out on it. Her mother sounds narcissistic and probably the only thing Janette can do is cut ties with her. I've been in this situation with my mother and I'd have loved to tell her all the things you said but it's not that simple. Thanks to these videos we are learning about NPD and hopefully we can learn to stand up for ourselves more as we recognise our own roles in the equations.
I am guilty of this. But he just won't shut up! It's a one-way monologue, and I've heard it all before. He will talk for hours at me, without me saying a word, if I let him.
They won't stand still to listen to you. They are walking away as you speak and you end up talking to their back. They are alway's "too busy' to listen to you. They let you know you are not a priority.
When I met my ex on a blind date he was standing against his car staring into the distance when I pulled up. I remember thinking he looked bored. On the date he never looked at me, his gaze was always on something outside the window. If he did smile it wasn't at me but at something going on outside. When we left the restaurant he forcibly kissed me which I wasn't expecting as I thought he didn't like me. This happened twenty years ago and I spent ten years with that guy, the relationship was very controlling and manipulative. He estranged me from friends and family, left me almost penniless and I needed years of therapy after I left. Those first non verbal cues on our first date were a huge red flag if only I knew back then. Thank you Dr Carter for all you do and greetings from Wales UK. 🏴
Oh Jessica you are so right. Thank god for people like Dr Carter to help us on our journey. I am free of the narc now too and watching this channel helps me to keep myself informed and also to remind me how lucky I am to be free to live my life. Its too short to be controlled and abused. Best wishes to you 🙏🙂
Dr Carter, I wonder if you have or could address why women who have picked up on these glaring cues don't move away from those relationships before they become more entangled, like w marriage and children.
@@peggywells8581 Hi Peggy, I hope Dr Carter will address this. If it's any help, in my case it was probably that my mother was narcissistic and physically/emotionally abusive. My adult life was going from one toxic relationship to another. It's all I knew. I felt uncomfortable with anyone who treated me well and was drawn to the toxicity like I felt comfortable with it if that makes sense. I've been learning about narcissistic personality disorders for a few years now and with therapy I'm understanding the whys and wherefores. I understand that in each adult relationship I was picking out the bad guys and trying to make them love me because I couldn't get that love from my mother. Sending hugs to you and everyone going through this heartache 💕
In my experience with the narcissists in my life, non-verbal cues were almost all I had to go on. In a culture where “niceness” was imperative, they were extremely covert, but their true selves leaked out without a harsh word being spoken. It’s crazy-making and isolating because it’s hard to explain to anyone else. Words are much clearer evidence of abuse, for sure. Thank you, Dr Carter. 💜
This bs can be even worse in an office setting. OMG the vileness of it all is heightened because there’s really nothing one person can do about it. The “evil” eye glance while they walk by or the “stare from nowhere” with a puzzling glance away….all mind games and emotional abuse. People who do this aren’t people they’re creatures of the crypt.
Yes! Like the one at my work who only rolls his eyes when I am speaking, but if my assistant mentions the vending machine, he adopts an attentive expression. and shows up half hour early, so he can park in the exact spot I parked in yesterday. When our mgr. Turns to me to ask a question that only requires a yes or no answer, whichever one I choose, he will scoff disgustedly.
Yep. Yep. Yep. But, this narcissism appears now to me as 'the missing link' about Humanity that I could never understand. Why are they so mechanical and materialistic and self-obsessed...This narcissism is affecting the majority of the population, not the minority. This is why the world is so bonkers because of high levels of narcissism and need for dopamine rushes from external, not internal sources...Wowee...Narcissism is the devil in our midst, in ourselves ; ) K
A few guesses: 1. Cold staring alternates with avoiding eye contact. 2. Contemptuous tone of voice, often phoney nasal. 3. Smirking. (I agree with She McGee!) 4. Pointing out to their target complete strangers in public and making judgemental comments and comparisons. 5. Doing things to control public space. 6. Disgusted and "superior" facial expression is one of their go-to looks. 7. Overhelping to the point of being awkward or intrusive. 8. Just finding any excuse to be where they don't need to be. 8. Handling your belongings or you in order to "help." These guesses overlap into criminal behavior.
All right on target! Also… Eating off my plate without asking was one i often had to deal with. Give me a break! Answering questions for me when someone clearly asked ME the questions.
Oh yes we both know narcs, that's for sure! in point 5, do you mean things like backing you into a corner, or crowding you/your personal space? Getting in your face? Contemptuous tone is a huuuge one and disgusted facial expressions, in hindsight, I recall those coming when I said something relatively neutral that they took the wrong way and got offended by...or when I said things that were absolutely true AND meant to be constructive - but that they did not want to hear because they do not want to change, even if it would help their own children!
Could you tell me a little more about the last one?My narc started to complain about pains,and to start an idea for job for him with my money....I didnt buy for that.He wanted every belonging of mine...😢
I saw all of these traits in the narc I worked with, but the doing things to control public space made me chuckle. Every time someone did something on the floor or made a repair, she took it upon herself to oversee it. It was hilarious to me that she would waste her time getting involved in things that were not her area of responsibility.
Any or all intrusive behaviors they resort to or attempt to use can kind of catch them out in the behaviors. They concernably rely on your response at these times to establish how effective they might be for pushing people's boundaries into breach. False sincerity/impulsions that's not always are as easy as take it or leave it, generally being unwanted by any common interest from the target person's postion. They'll pretend to be concerned or assume an inquisitive nature by regard for your preferences and feelings but they just want the reaction. They are waiting for you to adulate them in the unspoken sense that meets with their own interests. Ends up you cause them the offense if they don't like response or acceptance of them. That's kind of puppet playing, something that ties into their interests for enabling. Much of their behavior displays is just a cover used to advantage their coverted scheming in ploy, taking advantage one-sided. They think out like they are initiating all the cues and effects while doing the information gathering. They want the front seat really in all tidings otherwise generally you may not see much more of them should they not get their own way or sense of satisfaction. Sometimes they're just matching others up for an endgame type of outcome. Thinking they've put one over them as legendary and forever final or atleast they'll have tried.
“Actions speak louder than words” is a phrase lost on a narcissist. I really hate the smirk when they think someone is stupid. Or the silent mouthy behavior when someone else is talking and they don’t like what the other person has to say. Or the scowl. Ugh, i really hate the scowl as though whatever you’re saying makes absolutely no sense to them but you know good and well you’re making perfect sense. Edited to include the “humph” when they think you’re being absurd. Or OH! When they (especially women) look you literally up and down the first time you meet before the introduction has even been made! That one really makes me want to vomit just a little. And then other times it’s the LACK OF nonverbal cues that gives them away. Not looking someone in the eyes while the other person is talking is the one i hate the most. I use to teach elementary students and i always taught them we listen with our EYES. Our ears naturally hear but a person knows they have our attention with respect when we look at them while their talking. Narcissists have no common courtesy whatsoever when it comes to body language.
And please, everyone, wait a few moments, at least, before rendering judgement. A person with Aspergers syndrome normally feels uncomfortable making eye- contact with others.
I've been going on job interviews lately. It's amazing to see how people behave when they feel that they have you in a power situation such as an interview. I have experience interviewing people and my style is super relaxed because I really want to get to know someone's personality and see if they are a good fit. I treat them like adults and respect their time. I am actually amused by how some of these people conduct their interviews. Some do not even show up and send a representative to conduct the interview. I have had it where I have that first interview and it goes very well. I get screened for a second and then actually meet the boss. Oh boy! Red flags galore. Sometimes their behavior is dismissive. They allow constant interruptions during the interview. Very little eye contact. I observe the way that they are treating their staff. Are the employees nervous around them? A bad boss never thinks that I too am screening them to see if it's someone that I want to work for. They think that they are blessing me with their presence. 🙄 Fortunately I have the luxury of taking my time in finding a new job.
Excellent comment. I have had similar experiences during interviews too! And yes, even I screen my prospective employers to see if they're a good fit for me :)
I've often coached younger friends that a job interview is a two way street. Don't just focus on selling yourself. Look at whether on not you want to work in that place, with those people.
Wow so true!!! My now supervisor is a narcissist when I interviewed he barely gave eye contact, interrupting, he shook my poor little hand so hard. I see right through his insecurities in his position as a leader.
@@SJP43 plz do be careful with him; once he knows that you know what he is, there can be blowback. Dr. C talks about this in some of his super helpful vids. Good luck!
An experience I had was after a 15 minute abusive interview I was asked if I wanted to work for her, my response, "Do you think I want to work for you?" I didn't get the promotion/job. My only concern was that, perhaps she was testing me to see how I handled stress? But narcissist create redundant thinking so...
My spouse does the “hard mean glare” a lot. The harsh criticism comes next. The accusation of how totally wrong I am is the conclusion. The ensuing argument becomes about how wrong I am until I cave in and just shut my mouth. The next minute he’s as nice as pie. I used to think it was me, I’m insane, but now I finally know better. I’m grateful for these videos.
@Patti- The hard glare, then when you tilt your heard or hard stare back they accuse you of looking at them wrong, when they did it first. They were just waiting for the reaction.
I'm currently going through this as well. He doesn't stop until he gets tears and or an apology. Now that I've recognized it for what it is it's harder for me to get to that point. So toxic.
Patti: YES. I hate that " nice as pie" routine after the abuse. It's as if what he did is perfectly normal and appropriate. Then, he wonders why I don't spend enough time with him. Then the guilt messages start. It is classic gaslighting.
I've learnt to trust my gut feeling with people, it's never wrong, when something is off I can sense it, members of my family are constantly testing me with passive aggressively ignoring me, they constantly give me bad and unwanted advice, even when you don't ask for it.
It's only after I figured out my partner is a narcissist that I could wrap my head around that one. So many behaviours made no sense until you get wise to the narcissism.
I have also encountered this in which a friend or family member would roll their eyes or make a grunting sound as though in disapproval. Without any strong gestures there were facial expressions and head movements that demean. I have learned that only 7% of communication is words, and 93% is non-verbal. Part of the reason for these non-verbal expressions it to be able to deny it because we cannot prove it. I also think other reasons are that the person expressing themselves non-verbally doesn't even know their feelings are leaking out through their face or head movements.
SO TRUE! Their facial expressions say it all - I've wondered if they know what they look like when they sneer, roll their eyes, make those disapproving noises that they make? Once my ex vul narc friend rolled her eyes at me - shocking another friend who was also sitting there, so I asked the narc if her new contacts were bothering her - LOL. Boy was she steamed!
My parent’s and grandmother’s over smile is always super creepy because it never reaches the eyes!! The eyes are dead, predatorial, and glassy. So the over smile is nothing but a baring of teeth. It doesn’t look or feel like a smile at all.
One curious thing I noticed about two narcs I was involved with is that they would walk several steps ahead of me in public. I always take reasonable care with my appearance so I don't think that was it. It got so annoying with one of them that I purposely started disappearing into stores and letting him try to catch up with me if he could. Of course he complained bitterly about that.
Yes! Walk ahead. Open door for others [even strangers] then walk ahead of me as I approached the door. The Narcissist is THE leader and it’s YOUR job to keep up.
That’s a very common narc tactic. I knew a very narcissistic professor and I saw him walking ten steps ahead of this poor little foreign woman who was visiting for some reason. She was supposed to be walking with him but he was leaving her in the dust out of disrespect. I just looked at that and went, yep.
Ever have this happen - you're out to eat and when your narc finishes before you, they just get up and walk outside leaving you to sit there by yourself! I hated eating out with my ex, and actually got to a point where I just wouldn't go out with him for meals! So disrespectful and rude! 😝
So many subtle signs of narcissistic abuse. Frustrating how others do not pick up on it. I constantly live in a world of " I saw that, but no one else does". Ugh.....
One of the things the narc Im dealing with at work does is hum very loudly as he is being hostile with inanimate objects, ie snatching, slamming things around, being unnecessarily forceful. It’s a clear sign he is about to have a tantrum..
!!!! The humming. Loud and out of tune. My ex did that. If I was doing something with the kids and the attention wasn’t on him he’d start humming so loud it would drown us out even if we were in another room.
My ex and his sister used to communicate by eyes, every time she visited I would be so welcoming and loud while she would just sit there gazing past me, and, my husband's mood would turn bad especially after she leaves our house. It wasn't until later that I discovered their eyes communication, like she would gaze at him, then on the new decoration on the table, or the dishes in the sink, then she would turn her head to the wall, or put her head down. Gosh I used to feel suffocated and awkward questioning myself wondering why am I feeling these bad vibes when she,'s around? and why does my husband pick a fight and humiliate me after she had visited, so painful and toxic indeed!... thank you Dr. Carter for shedding light on this form of passive agressive communication ❤ Once I was telling her something that hapoened with me and as usual she was looking at the windows and at my husband, so in the middle of my story I just stopped and neither she nor my narc husband noticed that I did not finish the story ... oh my God how i felt erased with him and his entire narcissistic family... Thank God I'm over them.
"Felt erased"- that's a very accurate description of the feeling that I get when spending too much time in narcissists' devaluing prescence. I have felt that way quite frequently.
Wow, this is a new one for me, and I had a nasty covert narc for a mom. The subtle glances, communicating her displeasure had to have been unnerving, and him enmeshed in that sick game. Glad you are over them.
@@catnc1 a very toxic place to be, not that we need their attention, we just need some normal human to human connection... that's impossible with a narc
@@Beanp2025 true, and you know what, early in the relationship we feel it, but cannot put our finger on the issue. There is no verbal or physical abuse, so no abuse you'd think... but a nracissist is a master in causing pain even without talking or fighting..
In my experience with Narcissistic people I have found that much more is said without a word being spoken. Actions speak louder than words for sure too. Just pay attention to what is not being said and learn to read between lines on words that are said to you.
And probably saying, it was an 'accident' or, I forgot about it or the general 'oopsie, it dropped, even after they know the other person saw them break the item. Annoying for sure.
hand in hand with a phenomenon: Purposeful apathy. They go to fantastic lengths to make sure you know that they Don't Care. To make sure you get the message, they plan All Day how to prove they have No Concern!!!
My biological father is a narcissist and verbally abusive. He could reduce me to tears with a look. I used to lay in bed at night until he got home at midnight because I could tell by his footfalls what sort of mood he was in. How he felt when he got home determined how my morning was going to be the next day.
If I would have listened to what my gut was telling me, I would never have married my narc husband (now deceased). The kicker is I didn’t understand that he was a narc until after he passed. It explained so much. But one thing I noticed was anytime a photograph was being taken, he looked off into the distance with absolutely zero expression in his eyes, like he was totally without a soul! If eyes truly are windows to the soul, you can see the emptiness.
I hope you have found peace and find true love, after your Experience. My Narc fooled Me and wooed me and it took 15 years to realize they are a narc. Only after googling “why does my spouse constantly Lie?” Did I stumble upon these videos, which I thought were about my Spouse as they have EVERY symptom Dr C talks about. . I am starting to heal, and I hope you are as well.
My husband narc refuses to smile ever. All photos are stiff and unsmiling. Awkward. He has no sense of humor. I wait for his death so I can be free. Sad.
Same thing happened to me I didn't see that my dad was a narc until he died....when it was "safe" to criticize him. And my mom and sister had amnesia about his behaviors and the beatings and verbal abuse
Eye contact, especially prolonged one, is always a gesture of aggressiveness or challenge. Always. Animals never do that in friendly interactions, it means impending attack, it means assessing someone right before striking.
The top of this list would be the "silent treatment" or the "weaponizing of non-verbal communication". Ghosting is the digital age definition of course; you know - when you text someone and they deliberately do not bother to text back for days or not at all? Yep, that's a severe narcissistic trait that is non-verbal but says everything you need to know about that person. 🙏🌹
It happens that I disagree. Often I have to not respond immediately, then later, when I'm responding to all the texts I've gotten, I can take the time to just not respond to those texts that are light- hearted, innocuous, or unimportant. Some people I have to verbally tell them not to text me, but they do anyway.
grey rocking is usually describing a boundary of sharing much less or being uninteresting so as not to feed a narccissistic person supply where as silent treatment is used by a controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic person to punish another person
My narc hardly speaks to me. He comes home, takes off his shoes, walks right by me into the TV room without a look or a acknowledgment. I was sick, stayed home in my room for 3 days....really sick, and he did not even check on me! I'm almost past the complete heartache 💔 of being discarded. I've suffered his mental illness for way too long.....i see it all so clearly today. I pray for strength and I am so grateful for Dr. C.
It is sad, especially when that relationship is a significant one: a parent, sibling, in-law, etc. Not to mention the pain when that narcissist prevents other significant relationships, like my daughter-in-law preventing me from connecting with my son or grandsons. There's nothing that one can do about it, really. Learn to label toxic as toxic. Know it has little to nothing to do with us (the victims) and carry on in life trying to enjoy simple pleasures, kind people, and faith in God.
It's very true. Represented in a hilarious way but provides deep insights. E.g he may keep on looking at his phone when you are talking. But when you are working or focussing on something, he will stare ,like in a very cold frozen investigative look
I suggest an unbroken habitual pattern of storming off in sulking rages with the expectation of being toddled after and showered with promises to unconditionally align all decisions/thoughts/goals/feelings with one's infantile demands might count.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Even as a teenager and young adult, I thought it tedious and purile. I could also see that just not playing my assigned part in it caused immense frustration but strangely never resulted in behaviour modification either, as if there is an inability to adapt and learn. Great video, Les. Appreciated your books, too.
Holy macreal Dr.C, my narcissist exhibits every single cue u talked about. Wowza, I continue to learn Soo much from you. I'm Sooo grateful for all you do for us. It means the world to me to finally understand what Ive been dealing with and to know I'm not alone in my struggle to heal. Forever grateful ❤️
I tried to explain to a father about his son. He was doing all this and more to me, and he still is. His father got mad and said, “ oh he’s not doing anything”! no not out loud, but he sure is doing something.
Thank you Dr. Carter. This video really validates the in laws and extended family. I found it so odd.. they would change the subject 🙄 back about themselves, roll their eyes behind a sibling back, walk away when a conversation was initiated (even a light hearted conversation) all really 😕 confusing as I did not grow up with a family like this. Now I see it (slow albeit 15 years) and choose to stay away from them as much as possible and focus on the positive people who enjoy just being ❤️ together.
They hate light-hearted moments you have with your family because they envy these relationships. They do and say anything to belittle you and scoff at whatever you share with loved ones.
My in laws are a big family and almost each one if them is a different type of narc. They never engage me in their conversations and almost everything I say is met with silence - then a pivot back to talking about themselves. Finally realized they expect me to be their dutiful audience. Now I refuse to attend any of their gatherings. Told my narc spouse to go riggt ahead and talk smack about me or make up whatever excuses for my absences because I do not care!
The intrusive behaviour is a red flag. Physical boundaries are not respected. My favourite example comes from dad's funeral. I've shared it before, but I'm happy to share again. Me and my sibling were standing by the coffin, just the two of us. Lots of floor space of course. We were talking. She stood so close, her shoes were actually gnawing on my shoes. She almost stepoed on my toes. This intrusive, aggressive behaviour is nothing new. She has always been like this.
I've experienced that no eye contact and no emotional response towards me but he had a full range of emotional expression towards his friends and coworkers.
Love this! Every time a narc’s response doesn’t fit the communication, I start smiling and counting how high their count will go! Grey Rock! Their problem not mine. 🤣🤣🤣
They always try to be the centre of attention and try to obstruct any situation or subjects which gives importance to some other person ....they cannot bear avoidance
Omg! I call the seductive eye thing “the sparkle ✨ “ It’s like you’re not looking at ME, you’re fantasizing about what you can get from me. I’ve mostly experienced it in the office. New boss sees a new shiny BIPOC to add to their roster and holy hell, let the eye effing begin
@@mikediamond353 BIPOC=Black or indigenous person of color. Narcissists affecting leftist politics often try to "collect" such people for clout (narcissistic supply).
@@mikediamond353 It's an acronym for Black/Indigenous person of color. A few weeks after noticing "the sparkle," a former boss admitted he hired me for my ethnicity to appeal to a potential client.
I have a hard time with eye contact but it's because I'm autistic. Eye contact is uncomfortable for me for some reason. I also have a hard time with non-verbal cues and my narc husband uses that against me to convince me that my gut (and logic) are wrong - only to find out later that they were spot on!
Yes, I totally understand what you're saying here. I also find maintaining good eye contact difficult - even more so when I'm feeling anxious. I can tell that some people trust what I say less because of it. And the narcissist in my life is good at all that stuff, people trust and warm to him easily. He can usually get people to do whatever he wants, including me. It's complex, people can only see what's on the surface. There ar many possible reasons for these differences in communication style. I also absolutely get what you're saying about getting you to doubt your own intuition, using any doubt you might have about your own differences for personal gain. It can feel very isolating, then when isolated you're so much more vulnerable to that. Best of luck to you, stay strong and true to yourself. 🌼
I had a step daughter that would just STAND and stare and blink her eyes. She NEVER initiated a conversation and was just an extremely self involved individual. It wasn't until I ACTUALLY went somewhere with her where she smiled and giggled and conversed WITH OTHERS that I noticed she was just being a ROTTEN BRAT with ME!
yes a step parent arriving into the life of a child is a huge adjustment and some times feels intrusive and unwanted to the child which should be understood by the adults who are making these decsions the child has no say which also may be frustrating them LOVE is what they need from the step parent not disdain or dislike and definately not public namecalling
@@pamelaruth7400 naw she was a rotten child who abused ME! Her mother was IS a drug addict and her Father was an abusing alcoholic that was abusing ME in front of the kids! She was treating me the same with discard! She doesn’t get a pass because she wasn’t my daughter! I saved her from being sold to her Mother’s drug dealers!
@@notright6092 she did that for 14 years! That’s what makes what happened to ME even worse! Because I was the STEP parent! Both of her parents were absent and drugged OUT OF THEIR MINDS 24/7! I was held hostage by their father to raise them while HE drank and partied and abandoned ME with his daughters! They kids treated me JUST AS BAD as he did! Their Mother was bed hoping and drugged up and never paid a cent of child support!! I was the only responsible adult in their LIFE! And just because she was a STEP child you blame ME for the abuse? I should have ran far away and left those kids in WELFARE PROJECTS with their Mom because I was NEVER going to EXIST as my own entity!
I have to remind myself all the time that no response is a response. It's a passive aggressive power play. When you ask a question and get no response or only a look, that is a response.
This is a slippery slope. As an autistic person, about half (if not more) of the body language/social cue points apply to me, but for very different reasons. It's important to remember "wholeistic" approach because non-verbal cues by themselves can have very many explanations.
Kaworu. Yes I hear you very clearly. It is difficult for a person on the autistic spectrum to be socially fluid and pick things up quickly as a number of nonverbal communications move quickly together. I especially put a comment up to point towards that.
This explains why my sister was looking "at" me in what felt strange to me on Christmas day. She really was avoiding looking at me at all. Her eyes shifted around and she sounded the same way in her words. My mother was talking to my older sister on the facetime portal and I got on to say hello. It felt really strange the way she shifted her eyes around not looking at me and the same with her words. My older sister is a narcissist. That was her nonverbal cues that she wasn't interested in talking with me.
11 DAY tantrum about buying a car way out of our price range...because they were entitled to it. Also watching them explain to my Mom who was a CPA her whole career, how they avoided taxes. Couldn't roll my eyes harder
I couldn’t help but laugh a lot while watching this video as I had so many flashbacks of my Narc’s personality disorder moments as you demonstrated them. It’s funny now, but genuinely it breaks my heart and was super irritating while it was happening. Someone her age should have a personality, or rather; a much better & healthier one. Here I am, on my knees praying for her doc, and much of that is thanks to you helping me purge much of the anger I had towards her for being so ‘different’ and extremely insensitive. I started mirroring her insensitivity back to her - and realized that is NOT who I truly am at all. Thank you so much doc, I’m speechless because I never knew a person could grow so much, so quickly, when the desire is there and the right mentor is a kindred spirit you wish you always had on your shoulder. You’ve done more than you could possibly imagine for me. Truly.
Helpful post as always, Dr. Carter, I'm grateful for your work. Listening to "gut instinct" is listening to God, one should ALWAYS do that, the truth is already within us.
The president of the small company I work for is a narcissist by no doubt. His moody behavior, sarcastic and condescending remarks, hateful attitude. I make it a point to avoid him and not speak to him unless I have to. A very toxic person that creates a toxic work atmosphere. When he's on vacation the whole place runs more pleasantly.
Combos are available too: Eyeroll (="You are SUCH an idiot") + disgusted smirk (= hostile contempt) + head shake (="do you actually think I give a crap?") + exasperated sigh (="there you go again, wasting my all-important time. [But it did give me another opportunity to demonstrate how much I despise you, which is always good.]")
Ive learned to MIRROR him in all he does and he hates it. 😆😆😆😆also taught my kids about narcs and now they are not confused or able to be manipulated by him. I had to take bk my identity and teaching my kids how to not be a sheep.
I've wasted most of my life with a person that is a classic narc. Very cruel over the years. I used to feel sorry for him. Now I just don't care and simply disengage to all his BS. I look forward to the day when I am ok. My biggest fear is I will become like him. Thank you for your help,
Oh my gosh...my future ex does this! He won t make eye contact...as O'm trying to have a conversation(which only is ever me talking and him staring at me or avoiding eye contact)....but then he suddenly is picking crumbs off a counter, or rearranging things..and I have to ask him to just stop!.it is a maddening habit...so odd...
Im afraid of the constant smiling people and hopelessly happy people. My Aunt was this kind of person. My Mother and her sister would make fun of her. I was confused as a child as to why they would make fun of anyone! Yep I was raised by insecure people. Anyway, I discovered the my Aunt had alot of responsibility as the only woman in the family trying to live a Christian life. My Aunt was always so loving towards me. She never changed her behavior toward me. I went through a Punk/ Gothic stage and my Aunt was they only one that was steadily loving towards me. I often told her that I wish she were my mother. Which is odd because I hated authority but she ran a strict household with limits and boundaries. I didn't put it together back then but now I see that I was craving her love in the form of discipline. So I guess my point is that my Aunt was probably smiling because she was nervous around my mother and her sister because she could feel their judgment against her. These micro cues can mean many different things. You have to know just what the environment is when these cues are happening. Anyway, I LOVE YOU ❤️ AUNT CAROL! Thanks Dr. C Dignity Respect Civility 🙏
It took years and great difficulty for me to stop nervously smiling. It was like a trap/prison. Inside, I had a lot of terror and deep fear of rejection, probably other stuff, too. Thanks for your comment, was hoping to find it.
I was deeply afraid of life itself. Always joking, and laughing, and seeing the bright side of things. She filed for divorce and kicked me out. I'm less afraid, but continually aware of my failure.
Unconditional love, I believe many narcs never experienced this, which is why they have no empathy or compassion. ! I am So glad she was there for you!
Yes when Constantly smiles and puts on a happy presentation of their life you can bet they are not happy. Especially when they’re quick to criticize others. When she does that to me I simply “ you do you and I’ll do me”.
My ex narc would grab the sides of his head with each hand, then lower his head in frustration with me when I asked a question to clarify something he said that didn’t make sense…his “word salad”. So glad I never have to see that odd sight again.
Spot on. How about dead eyes. They never belly laugh, run, curl up on the sofa, smile broadly but the eyes don't move. Never ever say sorry or show that they are. I think they are quite thick actually.
add this gesture - answering you while twiddling their hair. worrying about the split-ends on their hair is obviously more important than respectfully responding to you.
Your talks always make me feel more sane. It is truly a mine field out there. Still plodding along finding my way through the bumps of life. I thank God when I think of Dr C. Shalom. And may God help all who come this way. Peace is precious try not to let the Narcs in your life ruffle your feathers. Stay away from them if you can.
I am not sure about the no eye contact one. I avoided eye contact with my abusive alcoholic parents growing up because looking at them was always a mistake. They would focus on me and take their anger out on me if they catch me looking at them. It made me an instant target. So now as an adult, I avoid long eye contact as much as possible unless I completely trust you.
I can see that - sometimes if you look a narc directly in the eyes, they view it like a threat/aggression and will instantly target you. Meanwhile, we think we're just having an every day conversation. I've experienced that a few times over the years and I always find it very derailing - like WHAT just happened!
Same. Got the crap beat out of me growing up for having the wrong look on my face - any kind of emotion or eye contact. So i stopped looking at people as a kid and it's still hard to break that as an adult. Sometimes i have had to consciously remind myself repeatedly to look at people or make eye contact. It makes me so uncomfortable.
@@Starsofneon yeah once i'm familiar with someone it definitely becomes easier and more natural. But new people/strangers are so hard to look in the face! We'll get there, though! :)
Wow first time I heard someone talking about the 'oversmiler' ... that was my ex. When I called the cops on him once for emotional abuse and tearing my belongings off the wall... and I looked out the window and saw him talking with the cop with that crazy 'oversmiling' ... it felt like he was trying to manipulate the cops perceptions of him.
Just watched this video and the big flash car did resonate along with several other things Dr C mentioned. My ex had a top of the range Mercedes Benz and high steel gates operated via a remote control hand set. We hardly went anywhere so the car stayed mostly in the garage and the steel gates locked. I'm well out of that now and I can smile as I'm thinking how that big flash car was to make up for what he was lacking in other departments 😏
Mine is this way. He bought a Mazda Miata convertible and a new Dodge pick up, right before retirement. He drives the car when escorting female "friends", and the truck's just for reminding everyone he's successful. He can't afford both and is often late with payments.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter! Learning to spot nonverbal cues has really important for me to see when someone's heart is not coming from a good place, especially with the coverts. Manipulative, controlling people like to rely on nonverbal cues because they are easy, and they provide a screen of plausible deniability for their motives. One such cue that I've seen many times from such people, is avoiding eye contact while they mutter something manipulative under their breaths, hoping you're not paying attention and will just do what they want. Then there's the quick sidelong contemptuous glance, in a flash so your conscious awareness may miss it, or you may question that you really saw it. And yet, your subconscious does pick up on it, and it is meant to cut away at your sense of self worth, over and over again. With knowledge and awareness, we can spot this behavior in real time, and protect ourselves.
If you listen to what is said people will tell you what they really think and their intent...narcissists can't help bragging about how wonderful they are..and they will repeatedly tell you how they deserve your respect..no matter how they treat you
I rediscovered this video today; and. it has helped with two current concerns: (1) it's reassuring that noticing non-verbal cues is not an abnormality and (2) it instructs on how to better sift through my in-laws. I'm starting to suspect that there is a difference between having empathy and having a high emotional intelligence. Right now, I'm feeling a bit down about myself, wishing that I could have been more empathetic in certain situations (and thus more helpful) and, at the same time, knowing that I am generally very good at reading people and situations (sometimes too good). I once frightened a close friend by commenting on something she, apparently, thought I couldn't see. I didn't realize, it needed to be a secret. It was a minor thing really; but, she was really startled by it and pulled back a bit. At one time, I was able to mentally sum up a person pretty quickly. I'm not sure that's a good trait. I think I may be blocking it a bit now. I'm not sure I sum people up at all any more. (The sad truth is that a major reason I initially allowed the relationship with my future husband to develop was because he was finally someone I couldn't immediately see through. I didn't know about covert narcissists, I guess they can fool some "therapists" too. Should they be able to recognize them by their opaqueness?)
Before I had knowledge on narcissism but observed the weird behaviours when he raised his voice to shut me out, I raised my pitch, he raised his, I raised mine…eventually we could not hear ourselves. I was like this is just weird….he just kept getting louder. I was curious and could not fathom it at all, I just thought it reminded me of a child’s behaviour. Totally fascinating but damn, it’s been a life scratching my head and observing and trying to work the behaviours out. I thought autism, avoidant personality but had no knowledge of NPD 😬
I am paying my way through psychology school by being a server (waitress). It can be horrible, but I try to take consolation that it’s a great environment to view these behaviours!
Great video Dr. C, thank you! He used to make a condensing face when I tried to talk to him, like speak up I can't hear you or you're bothering me. It made me feel stupid.
Facial expressions: My narc "learned" he wasn't supposed to talk about my weight. But he can't keep it in. If he sees me eating something " I shouldn't" the look of disgust screams at me.
1. Oh, absolutely they smirk when they see they've upset you by their words or actions.
2. That self-satisfied smug look on their face when they think they've gotten one over on you.
3. Their over-acting reaction of bewilderment when they are caught lying or doing something underhanded, and then if you call them out on it they go into a rage in an attempt to shut you down.
4. When they think they didn't get enough praise or thanks for something they've done for you or given you, they then accuse you of being ungrateful.
5. Not listening/hearing you. They literally are not interested in what you have to say unless it has to do with them.
6. They have no normal sense of humor. Their idea of humor is laughing at the misfortune or pain of others.
7. "Crocodile tears".
Wow, spot on.
I still deal with every one of these.
🎯🎯🎯🎯😘
Spot on!
@@r_EVOL_utionRENEGADE 🎯😘
Also, they grunt or say ,”hey” rather than address you by name. They don’t use your name when they speak with you because that would be an admission that you are an individual who deserves a decent response.
This was how my ex was. In 20 years of marriage he never used my name. ( also no terms like dear or darling). He would grunt or say “hey”. He even refused to call the family pets by name because they were pets that I had adopted-making them “mine”. The only person or thing in the family that “deserved” to have a name was the narc!!
Or I'll be in the middle of saying something and they'll get their mobile phone out, stare fixatedly at the screen, and say I'm listening carry on and they're texting!! I just shut up. And that smirk.
My narc sister did that. She'd always be talking to someone else when on the phone to me. Then I'd get "yes I'm listening" ... but I'd hear her talking to whoever was with her in person. It makes you feel so stupid. I distanced myself from her a few years ago when she turned toxic. I think the clues were there all along though. How rude to talk to two people at once ..like you're not worthy of their full attention.
Pro tip: don’t stop saying what you need to say and make sure you finish with “now that you’re informed I expect to see xyz behaviour…”
What’s crazy is that if you don’t finish talking after they say “yes, I’m listening” or whatever…they don’t ask you to finish or say “I’m listening” again or anything to prompt you to finish what you were saying. It’s because they don’t care. They never care what you have to say
I just grab the phone until he listens. Then say" good boy"🎶
EXACTLY
1. Little eye contact, 2. Hard glare, 3. Seductive, 4. Micro closures of eye - lying/insincere, 5. Over-smile, 6. Stiff movement/Expressionless, 7. Palm down handshake - power move, 8.Limp fish handshake - disinterest, 9. Outlandish dress - craving admiration. 10. The car people drive - status. 11. How they treat service people- disdain, 12. Incongruous emotional responses - lack of empathy. 13. Hijack discussions, 14. Unsolicited advice, 15. Tense - easily annoyed. 16. Checking cellphone while you talk. Generally, need for dominance, control, entitled, defensive - it's all about me, I don't care about you. Listen to your gut.
Wow, you took good notes!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you - I was hanging on every word!
Hijack events when things are going really well for all the other people and have outbursts if anger and refuse to discuss it when you show concern. They just say stop it stop and you say what , what do you mean and then they are like trying to make people think you did something bad to them .. We Everyone watching becomes totally confused and then you are triggered by their weird behavior and the rage and threaten you with violence and no one has a clue as to why. This is them trying to say we do t communicate and you are not listening when in fact they were intentionally being vague, combative, demanding and condescending and roll their eyes and more. It was a lot and everyone was listening with eyes and ears and still they and the others around you see they refuse to communicate in any meaningful way and give no closure by bolting. This has happened at major events and other people's birthdays and scream narcissistic personality disorder to me after watching many of Dr. Lee's videos and Dr. ramanis too.
Thank you for taking and sharing notes!
Checking cellphone while you talk is a good one
Receiving the predatory stink eye is always chilling.
Another one is when you're having a conversation with someone face to face and they just walk away while you're talking with them. They're done saying what they wanted to say and you're just not important enough to listen to.
My ex used to do this. He'd get up from the table, throw me a spite bomb and turn his back to me. They are truly vile.
@@janettebuckley4170
Did you tell them that interesting or not, that it was disrespectful and very rude? That it was antisocial? That it was an insult (shame) to their own character to behave in such a vile manner? That only disordered people behave that way? (I'd imagine that all would be met with their anger, but sometimes, I think their behavior should have a close accountability-encounter with Indiana Jones' whip. You know, people don't behave that way around someone that is more alpha than they are.)
@@janettebuckley4170 mine does exactly the same crap. Hate it.
@@cacatr4495 Janette did say that she called her mother out on it. Her mother sounds narcissistic and probably the only thing Janette can do is cut ties with her. I've been in this situation with my mother and I'd have loved to tell her all the things you said but it's not that simple. Thanks to these videos we are learning about NPD and hopefully we can learn to stand up for ourselves more as we recognise our own roles in the equations.
I am guilty of this. But he just won't shut up! It's a one-way monologue, and I've heard it all before. He will talk for hours at me, without me saying a word, if I let him.
The main thing about narcissists is they are not genuine. They're always faking it.
They won't stand still to listen to you. They are walking away as you speak and you end up talking to their back. They are alway's "too busy' to listen to you. They let you know you are not a priority.
When I met my ex on a blind date he was standing against his car staring into the distance when I pulled up. I remember thinking he looked bored. On the date he never looked at me, his gaze was always on something outside the window. If he did smile it wasn't at me but at something going on outside. When we left the restaurant he forcibly kissed me which I wasn't expecting as I thought he didn't like me. This happened twenty years ago and I spent ten years with that guy, the relationship was very controlling and manipulative. He estranged me from friends and family, left me almost penniless and I needed years of therapy after I left. Those first non verbal cues on our first date were a huge red flag if only I knew back then. Thank you Dr Carter for all you do and greetings from Wales UK. 🏴
Trust your gut the first time.
Oh Jessica you are so right. Thank god for people like Dr Carter to help us on our journey. I am free of the narc now too and watching this channel helps me to keep myself informed and also to remind me how lucky I am to be free to live my life. Its too short to be controlled and abused. Best wishes to you 🙏🙂
@@sula1529thanks and best wishes to you too 💕
Dr Carter, I wonder if you have or could address why women who have picked up on these glaring cues don't move away from those relationships before they become more entangled, like w marriage and children.
@@peggywells8581 Hi Peggy, I hope Dr Carter will address this. If it's any help, in my case it was probably that my mother was narcissistic and physically/emotionally abusive. My adult life was going from one toxic relationship to another. It's all I knew. I felt uncomfortable with anyone who treated me well and was drawn to the toxicity like I felt comfortable with it if that makes sense. I've been learning about narcissistic personality disorders for a few years now and with therapy I'm understanding the whys and wherefores. I understand that in each adult relationship I was picking out the bad guys and trying to make them love me because I couldn't get that love from my mother. Sending hugs to you and everyone going through this heartache 💕
In my experience with the narcissists in my life, non-verbal cues were almost all I had to go on. In a culture where “niceness” was imperative, they were extremely covert, but their true selves leaked out without a harsh word being spoken. It’s crazy-making and isolating because it’s hard to explain to anyone else. Words are much clearer evidence of abuse, for sure.
Thank you, Dr Carter. 💜
This bs can be even worse in an office setting. OMG the vileness of it all is heightened because there’s really nothing one person can do about it. The “evil” eye glance while they walk by or the “stare from nowhere” with a puzzling glance away….all mind games and emotional abuse. People who do this aren’t people they’re creatures of the crypt.
Yes! Like the one at my work who only rolls his eyes when I am speaking, but if my assistant mentions the vending machine, he adopts an attentive expression. and shows up half hour early, so he can park in the exact spot I parked in yesterday. When our mgr. Turns to me to ask a question that only requires a yes or no answer, whichever one I choose, he will scoff disgustedly.
Yep. Yep. Yep. But, this narcissism appears now to me as 'the missing link' about Humanity that I could never understand. Why are they so mechanical and materialistic and self-obsessed...This narcissism is affecting the majority of the population, not the minority. This is why the world is so bonkers because of high levels of narcissism and need for dopamine rushes from external, not internal sources...Wowee...Narcissism is the devil in our midst, in ourselves ; ) K
@@mikediamond353 , that sounds extremely frustrating. I am wishing you well. 🙂
I get it. So painful. Im sorry, been there too. Bless u, keep ur chin up and dreams high!
So spot on. I have gotten to the point where I don't even bother. There is no getting through some people. The bottom line is they just don't care.
💯
A few guesses: 1. Cold staring alternates with avoiding eye contact. 2. Contemptuous tone of voice, often phoney nasal. 3. Smirking. (I agree with She McGee!) 4. Pointing out to their target complete strangers in public and making judgemental comments and comparisons. 5. Doing things to control public space. 6. Disgusted and "superior" facial expression is one of their go-to looks. 7. Overhelping to the point of being awkward or intrusive. 8. Just finding any excuse to be where they don't need to be. 8. Handling your belongings or you in order to "help." These guesses overlap into criminal behavior.
All right on target! Also…
Eating off my plate without asking was one i often had to deal with. Give me a break!
Answering questions for me when someone clearly asked ME the questions.
Oh yes we both know narcs, that's for sure! in point 5, do you mean things like backing you into a corner, or crowding you/your personal space? Getting in your face? Contemptuous tone is a huuuge one and disgusted facial expressions, in hindsight, I recall those coming when I said something relatively neutral that they took the wrong way and got offended by...or when I said things that were absolutely true AND meant to be constructive - but that they did not want to hear because they do not want to change, even if it would help their own children!
Could you tell me a little more about the last one?My narc started to complain about pains,and to start an idea for job for him with my money....I didnt buy for that.He wanted every belonging of mine...😢
I saw all of these traits in the narc I worked with, but the doing things to control public space made me chuckle. Every time someone did something on the floor or made a repair, she took it upon herself to oversee it. It was hilarious to me that she would waste her time getting involved in things that were not her area of responsibility.
Any or all intrusive behaviors they resort to or attempt to use can kind of catch them out in the behaviors.
They concernably rely on your response at these times to establish how effective they might be for pushing people's boundaries into breach. False sincerity/impulsions that's not always are as easy as take it or leave it, generally being unwanted by any common interest from the target person's postion.
They'll pretend to be concerned or assume an inquisitive nature by regard for your preferences and feelings but they just want the reaction. They are waiting for you to adulate them in the unspoken sense that meets with their own interests.
Ends up you cause them the offense if they don't like response or acceptance of them. That's kind of puppet playing, something that ties into their interests for enabling.
Much of their behavior displays is just a cover used to advantage their coverted scheming in ploy, taking advantage one-sided.
They think out like they are initiating all the cues and effects while doing the information gathering.
They want the front seat really in all tidings otherwise generally you may not see much more of them should they not get their own way or sense of satisfaction.
Sometimes they're just matching others up for an endgame type of outcome. Thinking they've put one over them as legendary and forever final or atleast they'll have tried.
Eye rolling, tongue clicking, almost stomping while walking, quick twist of the head, slamming objects around.
Too heavy walk 😂😂😂😂like a kid when I watched I was amazed
“Actions speak louder than words” is a phrase lost on a narcissist.
I really hate the smirk when they think someone is stupid. Or the silent mouthy behavior when someone else is talking and they don’t like what the other person has to say. Or the scowl. Ugh, i really hate the scowl as though whatever you’re saying makes absolutely no sense to them but you know good and well you’re making perfect sense. Edited to include the “humph” when they think you’re being absurd. Or OH! When they (especially women) look you literally up and down the first time you meet before the introduction has even been made! That one really makes me want to vomit just a little.
And then other times it’s the LACK OF nonverbal cues that gives them away. Not looking someone in the eyes while the other person is talking is the one i hate the most. I use to teach elementary students and i always taught them we listen with our EYES. Our ears naturally hear but a person knows they have our attention with respect when we look at them while their talking. Narcissists have no common courtesy whatsoever when it comes to body language.
Totally to all this. On lack of body language, I noticed how one would hold his face very loose and flat while lying.
@@sage9836 creepy!
Kelly, you are so on target!!!
(TRUTHFUL) 🔝
And please, everyone, wait a few moments, at least, before rendering judgement. A person with Aspergers syndrome normally feels uncomfortable making eye- contact with others.
I've been going on job interviews lately. It's amazing to see how people behave when they feel that they have you in a power situation such as an interview. I have experience interviewing people and my style is super relaxed because I really want to get to know someone's personality and see if they are a good fit. I treat them like adults and respect their time.
I am actually amused by how some of these people conduct their interviews. Some do not even show up and send a representative to conduct the interview. I have had it where I have that first interview and it goes very well. I get screened for a second and then actually meet the boss. Oh boy! Red flags galore. Sometimes their behavior is dismissive. They allow constant interruptions during the interview. Very little eye contact. I observe the way that they are treating their staff. Are the employees nervous around them? A bad boss never thinks that I too am screening them to see if it's someone that I want to work for. They think that they are blessing me with their presence. 🙄 Fortunately I have the luxury of taking my time in finding a new job.
Excellent comment. I have had similar experiences during interviews too! And yes, even I screen my prospective employers to see if they're a good fit for me :)
I've often coached younger friends that a job interview is a two way street. Don't just focus on selling yourself. Look at whether on not you want to work in that place, with those people.
Wow so true!!! My now supervisor is a narcissist when I interviewed he barely gave eye contact, interrupting, he shook my poor little hand so hard. I see right through his insecurities in his position as a leader.
@@SJP43 plz do be careful with him; once he knows that you know what he is, there can be blowback. Dr. C talks about this in some of his super helpful vids. Good luck!
An experience I had was after a 15 minute abusive interview I was asked if I wanted to work for her, my response, "Do you think I want to work for you?" I didn't get the promotion/job. My only concern was that, perhaps she was testing me to see how I handled stress? But narcissist create redundant thinking so...
The side eye - usually when they are mad at you but still want to know what you are doing and keeping tabs on you.
My spouse does the “hard mean glare” a lot. The harsh criticism comes next. The accusation of how totally wrong I am is the conclusion. The ensuing argument becomes about how wrong I am until I cave in and just shut my mouth. The next minute he’s as nice as pie. I used to think it was me, I’m insane, but now I finally know better. I’m grateful for these videos.
@Patti- The hard glare, then when you tilt your heard or hard stare back they accuse you of looking at them wrong, when they did it first. They were just waiting for the reaction.
I'm currently going through this as well. He doesn't stop until he gets tears and or an apology. Now that I've recognized it for what it is it's harder for me to get to that point. So toxic.
Patti: YES. I hate that " nice as pie" routine after the abuse. It's as if what he did is perfectly normal and appropriate. Then, he wonders why I don't spend enough time with him. Then the guilt messages start. It is classic gaslighting.
I've learnt to trust my gut feeling with people, it's never wrong, when something is off I can sense it, members of my family are constantly testing me with passive aggressively ignoring me, they constantly give me bad and unwanted advice, even when you don't ask for it.
i guess they will guilt-trip and shaming you if you don’t take their advice
Yes, that smiling or laughing at totally inappropriate times!
It's only after I figured out my partner is a narcissist that I could wrap my head around that one. So many behaviours made no sense until you get wise to the narcissism.
I have also encountered this in which a friend or family member would roll their eyes or make a grunting sound as though in disapproval. Without any strong gestures there were facial expressions and head movements that demean. I have learned that only 7% of communication is words, and 93% is non-verbal. Part of the reason for these non-verbal expressions it to be able to deny it because we cannot prove it. I also think other reasons are that the person expressing themselves non-verbally doesn't even know their feelings are leaking out through their face or head movements.
Bang On! Amen Sister! "expressing themselves non-verbally doesn't even know their feelings are leaking out through their face or head movements."
SO TRUE! Their facial expressions say it all - I've wondered if they know what they look like when they sneer, roll their eyes, make those disapproving noises that they make? Once my ex vul narc friend rolled her eyes at me - shocking another friend who was also sitting there, so I asked the narc if her new contacts were bothering her - LOL. Boy was she steamed!
My parent’s and grandmother’s over smile is always super creepy because it never reaches the eyes!! The eyes are dead, predatorial, and glassy. So the over smile is nothing but a baring of teeth. It doesn’t look or feel like a smile at all.
One curious thing I noticed about two narcs I was involved with is that they would walk several steps ahead of me in public. I always take reasonable care with my appearance so I don't think that was it. It got so annoying with one of them that I purposely started disappearing into stores and letting him try to catch up with me if he could. Of course he complained bitterly about that.
YES. THEY THINKS IT'S OKAY TO DO IT TO YOU. BUT CAN'T HANDLE IT IF YOU WALK WAY AHEAD & THEY HAVE TO CATCH UP. HYPOCRITES!
My husband actually walks behind me in the grocery store. Like he's been hit in the nose with a newspaper, I think it's his victim mentality
Yes! Walk ahead. Open door for others [even strangers] then walk ahead of me as I approached the door. The Narcissist is THE leader and it’s YOUR job to keep up.
That’s a very common narc tactic. I knew a very narcissistic professor and I saw him walking ten steps ahead of this poor little foreign woman who was visiting for some reason. She was supposed to be walking with him but he was leaving her in the dust out of disrespect. I just looked at that and went, yep.
Ever have this happen - you're out to eat and when your narc finishes before you, they just get up and walk outside leaving you to sit there by yourself! I hated eating out with my ex, and actually got to a point where I just wouldn't go out with him for meals! So disrespectful and rude! 😝
So many subtle signs of narcissistic abuse. Frustrating how others do not pick up on it. I constantly live in a world of " I saw that, but no one else does". Ugh.....
The narcissist in my life often makes expressions that look completely unnatural ...fake expressions. "Working too hard" is a good description!
Loyalty shows up LOUD & CLEAR.
One of the things the narc Im dealing with at work does is hum very loudly as he is being hostile with inanimate objects, ie snatching, slamming things around, being unnecessarily forceful. It’s a clear sign he is about to have a tantrum..
!!!! The humming. Loud and out of tune. My ex did that. If I was doing something with the kids and the attention wasn’t on him he’d start humming so loud it would drown us out even if we were in another room.
@@TheVeggiekat exactly, and it keeps getting louder until he’s the center of everyone’s nervous attention. I can’t stand it…
My ex and his sister used to communicate by eyes, every time she visited I would be so welcoming and loud while she would just sit there gazing past me, and, my husband's mood would turn bad especially after she leaves our house. It wasn't until later that I discovered their eyes communication, like she would gaze at him, then on the new decoration on the table, or the dishes in the sink, then she would turn her head to the wall, or put her head down. Gosh I used to feel suffocated and awkward questioning myself wondering why am I feeling these bad vibes when she,'s around? and why does my husband pick a fight and humiliate me after she had visited, so painful and toxic indeed!... thank you Dr. Carter for shedding light on this form of passive agressive communication ❤
Once I was telling her something that hapoened with me and as usual she was looking at the windows and at my husband, so in the middle of my story I just stopped and neither she nor my narc husband noticed that I did not finish the story ... oh my God how i felt erased with him and his entire narcissistic family... Thank God I'm over them.
"Felt erased"- that's a very accurate description of the feeling that I get when spending too much time in narcissists' devaluing prescence. I have felt that way quite frequently.
Wow, this is a new one for me, and I had a nasty covert narc for a mom. The subtle glances, communicating her displeasure had to have been unnerving, and him enmeshed in that sick game. Glad you are over them.
This iciness cuts to the bone. There's something horrible about these vibes that the more malignant manipulative narcissists give off.
@@catnc1 a very toxic place to be, not that we need their attention, we just need some normal human to human connection... that's impossible with a narc
@@Beanp2025 true, and you know what, early in the relationship we feel it, but cannot put our finger on the issue. There is no verbal or physical abuse, so no abuse you'd think... but a nracissist is a master in causing pain even without talking or fighting..
In my experience with Narcissistic people I have found that much more is said without a word being spoken. Actions speak louder than words for sure too. Just pay attention to what is not being said and learn to read between lines on words that are said to you.
Where were you 43 years ago?! It would have saved me YEARS of grief. I appreciate having this information now as I move forward. Thank you.
I've experienced the non-verbal of him taking my stuff and breaking it, losing it, not locking it. General carelessness.
aka disrespect
And probably saying, it was an 'accident' or, I forgot about it or the general 'oopsie, it dropped, even after they know the other person saw them break the item.
Annoying for sure.
hand in hand with a phenomenon:
Purposeful apathy. They go to fantastic lengths to make sure you know that they Don't Care. To make sure you get the message, they plan All Day how to prove they have No Concern!!!
Anyone here familiar with the tight- lipped fake smile after you express a thought or share an emotion with a narcissist?
My biological father is a narcissist and verbally abusive. He could reduce me to tears with a look. I used to lay in bed at night until he got home at midnight because I could tell by his footfalls what sort of mood he was in. How he felt when he got home determined how my morning was going to be the next day.
If I would have listened to what my gut was telling me, I would never have married my narc husband (now deceased). The kicker is I didn’t understand that he was a narc until after he passed. It explained so much. But one thing I noticed was anytime a photograph was being taken, he looked off into the distance with absolutely zero expression in his eyes, like he was totally without a soul! If eyes truly are windows to the soul, you can see the emptiness.
I hope you have found peace and find true love, after your
Experience. My Narc fooled
Me and wooed me and it took 15 years to realize they are a narc. Only after googling “why does my spouse constantly
Lie?” Did I stumble upon these videos, which I thought were about my
Spouse as they have EVERY symptom Dr C talks about. . I am starting to heal, and I hope you are as well.
My husband narc refuses to smile ever. All photos are stiff and unsmiling. Awkward. He has no sense of humor. I wait for his death so I can be free. Sad.
Same thing happened to me I didn't see that my dad was a narc until he died....when it was "safe" to criticize him. And my mom and sister had amnesia about his behaviors and the beatings and verbal abuse
@@alanaadams7440 😔. It’s much healthier to realise, that’s where your healing lies. We are so often controlled by “don’t speak ill of the dead”
They're always in a daze unless on that phone
I have seen the terrifying Narcissist stare.
Eye contact, especially prolonged one, is always a gesture of aggressiveness or challenge. Always. Animals never do that in friendly interactions, it means impending attack, it means assessing someone right before striking.
Yep, Dr. C. ...... *Blank stare, Look right through beyond your face & Anger stare or just looks down if sitting, Mercy 😔
I pray for u to save many more lives like mine ❤
You're so kind.
Behavior is Communication
The top of this list would be the "silent treatment" or the "weaponizing of non-verbal communication". Ghosting is the digital age definition of course; you know - when you text someone and they deliberately do not bother to text back for days or not at all? Yep, that's a severe narcissistic trait that is non-verbal but says everything you need to know about that person.
🙏🌹
It happens that I disagree. Often I have to not respond immediately, then later, when I'm responding to all the texts I've gotten, I can take the time to just not respond to those texts that are light- hearted, innocuous, or unimportant. Some people I have to verbally tell them not to text me, but they do anyway.
@@mikediamond353 I know, popularity is a bitch.🤔
grey rocking is usually describing a boundary of sharing much less or being uninteresting so as not to feed a narccissistic person supply where as silent treatment is used by a controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic person to punish another person
I agree!
Ghosting in person is the same lousy thing, my narc intentionally doesn't acknowledge or respond when I talk.
My narc hardly speaks to me. He comes home, takes off his shoes, walks right by me into the TV room without a look or a acknowledgment. I was sick, stayed home in my room for 3 days....really sick, and he did not even check on me! I'm almost past the complete heartache 💔 of being discarded. I've suffered his mental illness for way too long.....i see it all so clearly today. I pray for strength and I am so grateful for Dr. C.
Narcs act as sweet as pie at first and to acquaintance. it is very hard to tell.
So incredibly depressing.. Traumatized by the micro levels of ignoring behavior I've seen in my life.. 💔😒
It is sad, especially when that relationship is a significant one: a parent, sibling, in-law, etc. Not to mention the pain when that narcissist prevents other significant relationships, like my daughter-in-law preventing me from connecting with my son or grandsons.
There's nothing that one can do about it, really. Learn to label toxic as toxic. Know it has little to nothing to do with us (the victims) and carry on in life trying to enjoy simple pleasures, kind people, and faith in God.
@Mary Carroll , agree completely!
It's very true. Represented in a hilarious way but provides deep insights. E.g he may keep on looking at his phone when you are talking. But when you are working or focussing on something, he will stare ,like in a very cold frozen investigative look
Mine use to say, look me in the eyes when you lie to me. I started thinking is that what you do to me.
Team Healthy, great and positive term. Please keep talking Dr. Carter!
Will do.
I suggest an unbroken habitual pattern of storming off in sulking rages with the expectation of being toddled after and showered with promises to unconditionally align all decisions/thoughts/goals/feelings with one's infantile demands might count.
Yes...ugh.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Even as a teenager and young adult, I thought it tedious and purile. I could also see that just not playing my assigned part in it caused immense frustration but strangely never resulted in behaviour modification either, as if there is an inability to adapt and learn. Great video, Les. Appreciated your books, too.
When my absence means nothing my presence means nothing as well. They’re just being themselves so, I shouldn’t be shocked or surprised
Holy macreal Dr.C, my narcissist exhibits every single cue u talked about. Wowza, I continue to learn Soo much from you. I'm Sooo grateful for all you do for us. It means the world to me to finally understand what Ive been dealing with and to know I'm not alone in my struggle to heal. Forever grateful ❤️
I tried to explain to a father about his son. He was doing all this and more to me, and he still is. His father got mad and said, “ oh he’s not doing anything”! no not out loud, but he sure is doing something.
Thank you Dr. Carter. This video really validates the in laws and extended family. I found it so odd.. they would change the subject 🙄 back about themselves, roll their eyes behind a sibling back, walk away when a conversation was initiated (even a light hearted conversation) all really 😕 confusing as I did not grow up with a family like this. Now I see it (slow albeit 15 years) and choose to stay away from them as much as possible and focus on the positive people who enjoy just being ❤️ together.
Well said
They hate light-hearted moments you have with your family because they envy these relationships. They do and say anything to belittle you and scoff at whatever you share with loved ones.
My in laws are a big family and almost each one if them is a different type of narc. They never engage me in their conversations and almost everything I say is met with silence - then a pivot back to talking about themselves. Finally realized they expect me to be their dutiful audience. Now I refuse to attend any of their gatherings. Told my narc spouse to go riggt ahead and talk smack about me or make up whatever excuses for my absences because I do not care!
be mindful of INTENT/MOTIVE behind odd behaviors because some autistic traits may be misinterpreted as narcissistic 🖤
The intrusive behaviour is a red flag.
Physical boundaries are not respected.
My favourite example comes from dad's funeral. I've shared it before, but I'm happy to share again.
Me and my sibling were standing by the coffin, just the two of us. Lots of floor space of course. We were talking.
She stood so close, her shoes were actually gnawing on my shoes. She almost stepoed on my toes.
This intrusive, aggressive behaviour is nothing new. She has always been like this.
I've experienced that no eye contact and no emotional response towards me but he had a full range of emotional expression towards his friends and coworkers.
Love this! Every time a narc’s response doesn’t fit the communication, I start smiling and counting how high their count will go! Grey Rock! Their problem not mine. 🤣🤣🤣
What do you mean?
Please explain...
They always try to be the centre of attention and try to obstruct any situation or subjects which gives importance to some other person ....they cannot bear avoidance
Omg! I call the seductive eye thing “the sparkle ✨ “ It’s like you’re not looking at ME, you’re fantasizing about what you can get from me. I’ve mostly experienced it in the office. New boss sees a new shiny BIPOC to add to their roster and holy hell, let the eye effing begin
Is BIPOC a colloquialism?
@@mikediamond353 BIPOC=Black or indigenous person of color. Narcissists affecting leftist politics often try to "collect" such people for clout (narcissistic supply).
@@mikediamond353 It's an acronym for Black/Indigenous person of color. A few weeks after noticing "the sparkle," a former boss admitted he hired me for my ethnicity to appeal to a potential client.
I have a hard time with eye contact but it's because I'm autistic.
Eye contact is uncomfortable for me for some reason.
I also have a hard time with non-verbal cues and my narc husband uses that against me to convince me that my gut (and logic) are wrong - only to find out later that they were spot on!
If someone cares and knows you they will listen to you 🤗 eye contact or not .
Yes, I totally understand what you're saying here. I also find maintaining good eye contact difficult - even more so when I'm feeling anxious. I can tell that some people trust what I say less because of it. And the narcissist in my life is good at all that stuff, people trust and warm to him easily. He can usually get people to do whatever he wants, including me. It's complex, people can only see what's on the surface. There ar many possible reasons for these differences in communication style. I also absolutely get what you're saying about getting you to doubt your own intuition, using any doubt you might have about your own differences for personal gain. It can feel very isolating, then when isolated you're so much more vulnerable to that. Best of luck to you, stay strong and true to yourself. 🌼
I’m amazed how every video is an accurate description of my mother
I had a step daughter that would just STAND and stare and blink her eyes. She NEVER initiated a conversation and was just an extremely self involved individual. It wasn't until I ACTUALLY went somewhere with her where she smiled and giggled and conversed WITH OTHERS that I noticed she was just being a ROTTEN BRAT with ME!
She maybe just hated ANY woman who stood in the place of her mother.
yes a step parent arriving into the life of a child is a huge adjustment and some times feels intrusive and unwanted to the child which should be understood by the adults who are making these decsions the child has no say which also may be frustrating them LOVE is what they need from the step parent not disdain or dislike and definately not public namecalling
This post gave me the cringe. Sorry but I don't see how if she's uncomfortable around you it means she's narcissistic? Something doesn't add up, ??
@@pamelaruth7400 naw she was a rotten child who abused ME! Her mother was IS a drug addict and her Father was an abusing alcoholic that was abusing ME in front of the kids! She was treating me the same with discard! She doesn’t get a pass because she wasn’t my daughter! I saved her from being sold to her Mother’s drug dealers!
@@notright6092 she did that for 14 years! That’s what makes what happened to ME even worse! Because I was the STEP parent! Both of her parents were absent and drugged OUT OF THEIR MINDS 24/7! I was held hostage by their father to raise them while HE drank and partied and abandoned ME with his daughters! They kids treated me JUST AS BAD as he did! Their Mother was bed hoping and drugged up and never paid a cent of child support!! I was the only responsible adult in their LIFE! And just because she was a STEP child you blame ME for the abuse? I should have ran far away and left those kids in WELFARE PROJECTS with their Mom because I was NEVER going to EXIST as my own entity!
I have to remind myself all the time that no response is a response. It's a passive aggressive power play. When you ask a question and get no response or only a look, that is a response.
This is a slippery slope. As an autistic person, about half (if not more) of the body language/social cue points apply to me, but for very different reasons. It's important to remember "wholeistic" approach because non-verbal cues by themselves can have very many explanations.
Kaworu. Yes I hear you very clearly. It is difficult for a person on the autistic spectrum to be socially fluid and pick things up quickly as a number of nonverbal communications move quickly together. I especially put a comment up to point towards that.
Don't forget the vividly shifty eyes when telling you a lie...lol
Thank you Dr. Carter!! On point as usual!!
And repeating themselves to make it sound more true🤣
This explains why my sister was looking "at" me in what felt strange to me on Christmas day. She really was avoiding looking at me at all. Her eyes shifted around and she sounded the same way in her words. My mother was talking to my older sister on the facetime portal and I got on to say hello. It felt really strange the way she shifted her eyes around not looking at me and the same with her words. My older sister is a narcissist. That was her nonverbal cues that she wasn't interested in talking with me.
Someone I know walked away while I was in the middle of talking twice. They never got the 3rd opportunity.
11 DAY tantrum about buying a car way out of our price range...because they were entitled to it. Also watching them explain to my Mom who was a CPA her whole career, how they avoided taxes. Couldn't roll my eyes harder
So true. Yes , hand shakes tell a lot. Or the way they pretend like they are hugging you so on..
I couldn’t help but laugh a lot while watching this video as I had so many flashbacks of my Narc’s personality disorder moments as you demonstrated them. It’s funny now, but genuinely it breaks my heart and was super irritating while it was happening. Someone her age should have a personality, or rather; a much better & healthier one. Here I am, on my knees praying for her doc, and much of that is thanks to you helping me purge much of the anger I had towards her for being so ‘different’ and extremely insensitive. I started mirroring her insensitivity back to her - and realized that is NOT who I truly am at all. Thank you so much doc, I’m speechless because I never knew a person could grow so much, so quickly, when the desire is there and the right mentor is a kindred spirit you wish you always had on your shoulder. You’ve done more than you could possibly imagine for me. Truly.
Helpful post as always, Dr. Carter, I'm grateful for your work. Listening to "gut instinct" is listening to God, one should ALWAYS do that, the truth is already within us.
The president of the small company I work for is a narcissist by no doubt. His moody behavior, sarcastic and condescending remarks, hateful attitude. I make it a point to avoid him and not speak to him unless I have to. A very toxic person that creates a toxic work atmosphere. When he's on vacation the whole place runs more pleasantly.
… would you consider another job ? sounds unpleasant …
Eye-rolling, supercilious shoulder shrugging, sighing etc etc.
Combos are available too: Eyeroll (="You are SUCH an idiot") + disgusted smirk (= hostile contempt) + head shake (="do you actually think I give a crap?") + exasperated sigh (="there you go again, wasting my all-important time. [But it did give me another opportunity to demonstrate how much I despise you, which is always good.]")
I just want to give this man a hug. You give me back my sanity sir. Thank you
Dr. C is great!
I'd hug you right back!
Ive learned to MIRROR him in all he does and he hates it. 😆😆😆😆also taught my kids about narcs and now they are not confused or able to be manipulated by him. I had to take bk my identity and teaching my kids how to not be a sheep.
👍
I've wasted most of my life with a person that is a classic narc. Very cruel over the years. I used to feel sorry for him. Now I just don't care and simply disengage to all his BS. I look forward to the day when I am ok. My biggest fear is I will become like him. Thank you for your help,
I have somebody in my life who always busies themselves with kitchen duties and what have you, and will almost never look me in the eye.
Oh my gosh...my future ex does this! He won t make eye contact...as O'm trying to have a conversation(which only is ever me talking and him staring at me or avoiding eye contact)....but then he suddenly is picking crumbs off a counter, or rearranging things..and I have to ask him to just stop!.it is a maddening habit...so odd...
@@Suzu52 It's like they won't meet you on 'a level of being equal' is how I find it.
@@timothydraper3687 and just being"avoidant"
1st thing I learned in college "You cannot NOT communicate!" Luv you Dr. C & Gus ❤
Im afraid of the constant smiling people and hopelessly happy people. My Aunt was this kind of person. My Mother and her sister would make fun of her. I was confused as a child as to why they would make fun of anyone! Yep I was raised by insecure people. Anyway, I discovered the my Aunt had alot of responsibility as the only woman in the family trying to live a Christian life. My Aunt was always so loving towards me. She never changed her behavior toward me. I went through a Punk/ Gothic stage and my Aunt was they only one that was steadily loving towards me. I often told her that I wish she were my mother. Which is odd because I hated authority but she ran a strict household with limits and boundaries. I didn't put it together back then but now I see that I was craving her love in the form of discipline. So I guess my point is that my Aunt was probably smiling because she was nervous around my mother and her sister because she could feel their judgment against her. These micro cues can mean many different things. You have to know just what the environment is when these cues are happening. Anyway, I LOVE YOU ❤️ AUNT CAROL! Thanks Dr. C
Dignity Respect Civility 🙏
It took years and great difficulty for me to stop nervously smiling. It was like a trap/prison. Inside, I had a lot of terror and deep fear of rejection, probably other stuff, too. Thanks for your comment, was hoping to find it.
I was deeply afraid of life itself. Always joking, and laughing, and seeing the bright side of things. She filed for divorce and kicked me out. I'm less afraid, but continually aware of my failure.
Unconditional love, I believe many narcs never experienced this, which is why they have no empathy or compassion. ! I am
So glad she was there for you!
Yes when Constantly smiles and puts on a happy presentation of their life you can bet they are not happy. Especially when they’re quick to criticize others. When she does that to me I simply “ you do you and I’ll do me”.
My ex narc would grab the sides of his head with each hand, then lower his head in frustration with me when I asked a question to clarify something he said that didn’t make sense…his “word salad”. So glad I never have to see that odd sight again.
Spot on. How about dead eyes. They never belly laugh, run, curl up on the sofa, smile broadly but the eyes don't move. Never ever say sorry or show that they are. I think they are quite thick actually.
You're onto it!
add this gesture - answering you while twiddling their hair. worrying about the split-ends on their hair is obviously more important than respectfully responding to you.
Yep!
Best video ever. People always talk about what f60.81 says but this is wonderful. Behaviors and gestures tell us a lot especially on a repeated way.
Sorry - what is f60.81 ...?
@@mrb4761 narcisstic personality disorder icd10cm.
Your talks always make me feel more sane. It is truly a mine field out there. Still plodding along finding my way through the bumps of life. I thank God when I think of Dr C. Shalom. And may God help all who come this way. Peace is precious try not to let the Narcs in your life ruffle your feathers. Stay away from them if you can.
spot on
as always
I am not sure about the no eye contact one. I avoided eye contact with my abusive alcoholic parents growing up because looking at them was always a mistake. They would focus on me and take their anger out on me if they catch me looking at them. It made me an instant target. So now as an adult, I avoid long eye contact as much as possible unless I completely trust you.
I can see that - sometimes if you look a narc directly in the eyes, they view it like a threat/aggression and will instantly target you. Meanwhile, we think we're just having an every day conversation. I've experienced that a few times over the years and I always find it very derailing - like WHAT just happened!
Yup. I've experienced the same.
Same. Got the crap beat out of me growing up for having the wrong look on my face - any kind of emotion or eye contact. So i stopped looking at people as a kid and it's still hard to break that as an adult. Sometimes i have had to consciously remind myself repeatedly to look at people or make eye contact. It makes me so uncomfortable.
@@RM-qq5rj Yes, same on the having to remind myself. It gives me so much anxiety to talk to new people face to face.
@@Starsofneon yeah once i'm familiar with someone it definitely becomes easier and more natural. But new people/strangers are so hard to look in the face! We'll get there, though! :)
My gut is disgusted, distaught, humiliated , crushed to flour! But just pray to now become to an heavenly new bread, with your guidence Dr C
They over smile because they want you to shut up they don't want to hear what you say they don't care.
Wow first time I heard someone talking about the 'oversmiler' ... that was my ex. When I called the cops on him once for emotional abuse and tearing my belongings off the wall... and I looked out the window and saw him talking with the cop with that crazy 'oversmiling' ... it felt like he was trying to manipulate the cops perceptions of him.
He was!
Just watched this video and the big flash car did resonate along with several other things Dr C mentioned. My ex had a top of the range Mercedes Benz and high steel gates operated via a remote control hand set. We hardly went anywhere so the car stayed mostly in the garage and the steel gates locked. I'm well out of that now and I can smile as I'm thinking how that big flash car was to make up for what he was lacking in other departments 😏
Mine is this way. He bought a Mazda Miata convertible and a new Dodge pick up, right before retirement. He drives the car when escorting female "friends", and the truck's just for reminding everyone he's successful. He can't afford both and is often late with payments.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter! Learning to spot nonverbal cues has really important for me to see when someone's heart is not coming from a good place, especially with the coverts. Manipulative, controlling people like to rely on nonverbal cues because they are easy, and they provide a screen of plausible deniability for their motives. One such cue that I've seen many times from such people, is avoiding eye contact while they mutter something manipulative under their breaths, hoping you're not paying attention and will just do what they want. Then there's the quick sidelong contemptuous glance, in a flash so your conscious awareness may miss it, or you may question that you really saw it. And yet, your subconscious does pick up on it, and it is meant to cut away at your sense of self worth, over and over again. With knowledge and awareness, we can spot this behavior in real time, and protect ourselves.
I have a hard time with eye-contact. Especially if someone is really confident. I feel really self-conscious. I need to work on it
My narcissistic ex-boyfriend was an oversmiler he did it so many times he looked like the Grinch.
If you listen to what is said people will tell you what they really think and their intent...narcissists can't help bragging about how wonderful they are..and they will repeatedly tell you how they deserve your respect..no matter how they treat you
Thank you so much Dr. Carter for your insights on narcissism, your videos have helped me attain some peace in my life. #teamhealthy !!
I rediscovered this video today; and. it has helped with two current concerns: (1) it's reassuring that noticing non-verbal cues is not an abnormality and (2) it instructs on how to better sift through my in-laws.
I'm starting to suspect that there is a difference between having empathy and having a high emotional intelligence. Right now, I'm feeling a bit down about myself, wishing that I could have been more empathetic in certain situations (and thus more helpful) and, at the same time, knowing that I am generally very good at reading people and situations (sometimes too good). I once frightened a close friend by commenting on something she, apparently, thought I couldn't see. I didn't realize, it needed to be a secret. It was a minor thing really; but, she was really startled by it and pulled back a bit. At one time, I was able to mentally sum up a person pretty quickly. I'm not sure that's a good trait. I think I may be blocking it a bit now. I'm not sure I sum people up at all any more.
(The sad truth is that a major reason I initially allowed the relationship with my future husband to develop was because he was finally someone I couldn't immediately see through. I didn't know about covert narcissists, I guess they can fool some "therapists" too. Should they be able to recognize them by their opaqueness?)
Before I had knowledge on narcissism but observed the weird behaviours when he raised his voice to shut me out, I raised my pitch, he raised his, I raised mine…eventually we could not hear ourselves.
I was like this is just weird….he just kept getting louder. I was curious and could not fathom it at all, I just thought it reminded me of a child’s behaviour.
Totally fascinating but damn, it’s been a life scratching my head and observing and trying to work the behaviours out.
I thought autism, avoidant personality but had no knowledge of NPD 😬
This guy's words are gold ! Always happy to see you here, learning something new. Actions speak louder than words.😊
I am paying my way through psychology school by being a server (waitress). It can be horrible, but I try to take consolation that it’s a great environment to view these behaviours!
Keep your eye on the end of the tunnel. Best wishes!
The smirk with a chuckle really gets to me. It’s so invalidating and disrespectful… and hurtful
Great video Dr. C, thank you!
He used to make a condensing face when I tried to talk to him, like speak up I can't hear you or you're bothering me.
It made me feel stupid.
Facial expressions: My narc "learned" he wasn't supposed to talk about my weight. But he can't keep it in. If he sees me eating something " I shouldn't" the look of disgust screams at me.