When you grow up with a narcissist parent, you learn that if you relax in the presence of other people, even for a minute, you will be mocked and humiliated. Safe relationships actually feel threatening because when you feel yourself relaxing around someone else it triggers that DANGER! DANGER! alarm
Again.Thank you sooo much. After 10 years of my blindness I know what is wrong. I knew that something was wrog but I didn’t know what.It is so simple to understand now My husband covered my eyes. I was living his way He was in my head all the time.
Exactly! And it triggered a full blown anxiety attack! But then how do you know when it is a safe situation? Someone very interesting has made advances but I'm terrified that he is not sincere.
@@tiffe4772 Wow that is truly sick. What a horrible way to gaslight someone, completely disregard their feelings & keep them in the relationship. These people will stop at nothing & they will literally do things that are so clearly immoral, but will always find a way to justify their actions. And then if you call them out on it, they act innocent/play dumb & ask, "What's the problem? What's the big deal? I didn't do anything wrong?". They want their cake & eat it too.
I feel like I know what I need to do but why am I searching for another answer? I guess I am waiting for someone to tell me that I am wrong and there is a way to save this relationship
I never realized I felt unsafe with him until I went no contact. The first night I was truly alone, I felt safe, protected, and loved, for the first time in years.
amen. that first big EXHALE when you lock the door and know you are safe. and lie down in bed and relax. beyond words. and you never forget that moment.
Having to censor yourself as a child because you know other family members feelings are more important than your own sets us up for very deep rooted pain.
Mary, I see you. I feel that, too. You matter. You are the most important relationship you will ever have. And, you are the only person you have to please in this life. Sending love and blessings. 💖
Yes, and every thought you have takes them into account first. What and how you feel is irrelevant. It's all about managing them. How they will feel and react to something that happened to you. How to break the bad news to them, when it's them who should be consoling us.
you should be the one making plans to leave because if the narc is planning to leave it means they have nothing more to gain from you because the have taken everything including your soul.
I won't agree here. I find that in contrary, they won't ever want to let you go. My husband gets mad when i talk about separation. Then lovebombing starts which i know now is just a tool to keep you by.
I could never book a flight or plan a vacation because I knew she would not be on the plane. It sucked! Two times we went to Vegas, she left me both times while there. It's crazy
I agree, this happened to me. Years ago I dated this Narcissistic man that said he was in love with me and proposed to me. He asked to borrow money to get his car repaired promising to pay me back in a couple of days. I literally loaned him everything that I had to my name to get his car fixed. When he came to visit I asked about the money he owed me because I desperately needed food he said " Tomorrow morning, I will pay you back the money I owe you and also I will take you to the grocery store to buy food". The next day came no call, now show he ghosted me for 2 weeks all my calls went to voice mail. He finally randomly left a note on my door when I wasn't home with some lame excuse for his absence. During his absence I found out he was already married. I called him and ended the relationship. Every day after that he threatened me with physical harm and even his flying monkey friends were threatening me saying I shouldn't have broke up with him and I was going to get my ass whipped.
The flip flop is enough to give you a whiplash. Narcs go from idealization to devaluation within 1 text, email, comment, or minor (or imagined) transgression you made.
Omg, this is my husband, or soon to be ex husband. The kids crying just set something off in him, he couldn't cope. Instead of making them feel better he would just threaten them.
I grew up feeling unsafe...always told I was "too sensitive" - was sooo unhappy. It's been decades and I haven't found anyone I can totally be my authentic self with (alone w/my pets feels the best!)
That’s the price to pay as an Empath. We give everything and then we get walked over. Better to be alone than being someone you’re not, get used and hurt. Good people out there, have faith!
Your mom was doing to you unbelievable damage,now it is big chances that you will do this to your kids unconscious.It takes loads of work to do,to not repeat same behaviour pattern what you seen in your traumatic childhood. You need to change matrix.That can also lead into hurting other people who love you.Because your mother was horrible to you.
UK thanks for your comment. I agree with you. My mom is codependent with vulnerable narcissist traits. My father was an addict and so we were never as important as his next fix. My upbringing made me decide early that I do not want children. I’m older now and I do have feelings of regret, but I am thankful that I’ve learned about narcissism and codependency at this point so that I ca recognize patterns and red flags.
Except it's not love. They merely tolerate you. It's ALL about them. Their feelings for you depend on them perceiving how much you can be extracted for their usage.
Wow I can so relate to this, she was never ever interesting in my days let alone how I felt, she never let me speak and when I did Bam!! She would run right over anything i said and would interrupt me. So disappointed being sapped.
I am a single man ..surrounded by Narc women and co dependent toxic men...two of the narc women tried to pick a fight with me 3 days ago ...the next day her husband was found dead...she said it was a heart stroke but doctors said he was suffocated....then she said it was a suicide and that her husband hanged herself....she is on the run ...I am so glad that I did not react when she tried to provoke me to a fight....I am really grateful to Lord that I did not break no contact .or I would have gotten myself involved in abetment to suicide....please friends dont ever break NC...you never know what these narcs have planned, why they want to meet you at a specific place everything they do have ulterior and sinister motives....never feel confident to break No Contact...they are pure evil...guard your life and stay safe ...while she is on the run her toxic co dependent son has come to arrange father's funeral...so as Jesus said let the dead bury the dead..
Narcissistic relationships.kills the person and voice inside of you,and make you blind against all the abuse..you learn not to feel,not to speak and not to react,and not to recognize what is wrong and unsafe. A surviving skill to get through each day,numbing. Especially if you have no where to go.before you know...you will be imprisoned into a life where you dont belong to youself.....notice the warning signs...get out while you can...listen and look out for the warnings signs,before it is too late..
I almost cry because this is so spot on. I couldnt be myself when I was w him, and nothing I’d do was ever right. And if I try to state my own opinion, he’d give me either heavy tantrums or silent treatment. The trauma bond is not easy to recover from. Praying for speedy emotional healing to all. ♥️
I'm so sorry this is happening to you right now too, I'm just coming out of the trauma bond too. I would get the exact same reaction on my own opinions and feelings. It's nice to know we're not alone
I am just coming out of a relationship with someone who made me feel so unsafe and unheard every day - he twisted every conversation round and told ME that I made HIM feel unsafe and like he couldn't speak his mind without me invalidating him. It made me feel crazy for months and I looked at how I could change - turns out the only way he felt comfortable communicating with me was if I just stayed quiet and let him be right every time. He constantly projected onto me and if I ever had any emotion that didn't suit him I would be told I was too sensitive or too needy or too opinionated. Honestly can't believe how blinded I was to this abuse but it is comforting to know that I'm not actually crazy lol. Sending love and healing vibes to everyone ❤️
Every time I rewatch this video, I cry my eyes out. Realizing that someone understands just how unsafe I have felt in the various narcissistic relationships is as you say, like receiving a whole bunch of hugs at once. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Thank you so much 💕 Dr Ramani! Tears of hope for a better tomorrow and yet, acknowledging within that not only have I been forced to work, live and forced to trust narcissist, I have for the most part behaved this way. Is there hope?
I felt like I carried the emotions of the family and went through everything alone. You learn to expect nothing. What you do and who you are is never enough, and they say, “what have you done for me lately?”
I was telling one ( after everything suddenly just connected and came to light) how they just manipulated me. I poured my heart out to them, but did it in a way where I was expecting him to meet me on some type of common ground to where we could both come up with a way to be better with each other. All he said back was- "What have you done for me". I was so shocked, confused and taken back......
Safe relationship is one where we have the freedom to be ourselves without worrying about how others will react negatively to it. When we are conditioned by Narcs to behave in only the way that’s acceptable to them, the relationship becomes stifling and suffocating. The constant anxiety of walking on eggshells around them and their toxicity feels like living in a minefield. It’s just a matter of time before the Narc acts up. I understand now why I dreaded going home after spending time with healthy people.
Lia N. Gkasouka sounding isn't being. It's not narcissistic to advocate for oneself. You are still capable of compassion, empathy and the ability to self reflect.
I always get anxious around them and my words get mixed up. That's the difference between being around a narcissist and a non-narcissist. Around a non-narcissist I'm more relaxed and can string two sentences together and laugh. Being around a narcissist is like being around a crocodile. You just don't know when they're going to bite or what will set them off. With a narcissist, it's constantly walking on egg-shells, never knowing when they're going to explode for things non-narcissists wouldn't get rageful about, like mentioning how your day went. It's all about them. What you think, feel and love, is scorned, mocked, ignored, and seen as irrelevant.
OMG OMG OMG !!! I became less and less of myself as the years went by!!! I was constantly minimized. My feelings were constantly challenged. My space with him was emotionally UNSAFE! I walked away from him less than a year ago after decades of not understanding who he was. I'm learning so much!
@@phoenixmode6909 Yes, I get that too. In trouble for feeling hurt, for feeling confused, for feeling controlled, for figuring it out....he told me he didn't want to live with a woman who felt she was controlled (that was an insult to him and just my weakness)....well, now he doesn't. Yay!!
When you feel you must have a list of examples to back up your claim (only to negated regardless)...frustrating to say the least. But when that overflows into proving your emotions/feelings- so very illogical, I was flabbergasted & realized just how sick & toxic my husband was.
I was expected to look my best all the time, to stay healthy, energetic and optimistic, in addition to being constantly enthusiastic about his ideas, encouraging and supportive as well as blind to his lies, misdemeanours and petty crimes. I could not be myself at all.
@@carriefriedman6553 That was nearly me however , I got out before it got too serious, I saw a couple of signs but ignored them as I'm the sort of person who thinks no one is perfect so was looking past it. However I looked at his Ex's Facebook page and I could see the signs. She was posting all sorts over her facebook "saying things like, when your ex texts you saying he has changed" and then a woman laughing like "okay hun" and also he was starting to say things like oh you could of made an effort. I was like bye bye.....
My daughter started saying..for no reason.."you should , do this , or that" like I had no free will...I was thnkng..this is weird...in the beginning ...now I'm on to her game. Still extremely painful to accept...but the truth...is the truth.
@@craig3714 So does mine,and my so called friend,who is now one of his unwitting flying monkey's. Unfortunately the saying "fling enough s.. t around, some of it will stick" is true.,but people eventually learn the truth. All that you can do is turn the other cheek, hold your head high, and walk away from such crazy and toxic creatures.
Never let your guard down. Living with a narcissist is like selling your soul to the devil. You will never be good enough and you will always be put down for trying to standing up to them. Run as far away as you can from them.
Well maybe or the complete opposite you become so distanced from their emotional outburst and meditate into your source of serenity and peace that they don't have effect on your emotional state.
@@jamiefrazier9641It was at the hospital, in the room where my dying mother was lying in the bed. The nurse asked me to ask people to leave so they could see to her. I’m a very nice person, so I said it very nicely. He is so narcissistic he had to get the attention on him 🤷♀️. They make me sick. Beasts!
They intentionally choose a distressing moment that you are going through to rage, get supply, have attention on themselves. I have a severe illness which needs surgery, he always blows up on my worst days, when I have to self care and look after myself. Their drama is never ending
@@sami6086So true. My narc ex always wants to start a fight when he knows I have something important to go to for the day. I don't know why they can't just hold their tongue for a while they just want to go at it whenever they please.
When you said healthy relationships do exist, it hurt my heart because it feels like there is much more narcissists than there is good people, which is why I stay single because I'd rather be alone than ever let a narcissist damage me again.
Chair !!! 😳. I saw a picture of my Mother and now my natural Father that I was not raised with. He is also more covert. My Mother was more Malignant!!!. I'm so over it 😡!!!!. I've dealt with these parasites my whole life.
I feel your pain. I didn't even know what NARCISSISM was until about a year ago. I had heard of it but didn't know what it entailed. When I watched Dr Ramani talk about what the symptoms are,,,,, I about fell out of my
I completely emphasise. Its such a shock! I also only discovered Dr. Ramani not that long ago (2 years ago) and realised I was born into a narcissist family and then got into a relationship and friendships with narcissists. I have now removed every single narcissist from my life, including my family and my life has never been happier! I'll never let them back in again. Narcissists destroy lives......
When you talk about wanting to cry and wanting someone to wrap your arms around you, but instead you get minimized, invalidated, and made fun of, it hit me hard. This is something I deal with with my partner who I still question whether or not they are really a narcissist or I’m just over reacting. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your clarity and kindness towards people in abusive relationships.
lilwhomst? I understand what you’re going through because I used to do the same thing. I questioned myself and the “gut” instinct I felt everytime I was invalidated by my Nwife. I’m still with her, but planning my exit and beginning my healing process. Here are a series of questions I got from another YT channel that have helped me figure out why I doubt myself and ignore my feelings. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself these questions to help figure out where your own wounds are that empower the narcissist in your life. Once you heal, you’ll learn to set boundaries and not ignore your inner voice for anyone! 1. When I ignore my inner being why do I do this? What am I scared about happening if I was to confront and speak up? 2. Do I let people talk me out of investigating and following through to find out the truth? Why? 3. When i discover truths that aren’t aligned with my values do I self abandon and make excuses for a person’s behavior?Why?
Lil, You’re probably high on emotional thinking dear. The questioning is a sign of emotional thinking. If his behaviors are a pattern and the relationship is toxic. Then it’s enough reason to exit. But be careful of FAB, which stands for fading affect bias. It’s our brains ability to forget the negative things before the positive things during no contact. You can either give up or die trying to fix these individuals. I’m sending you warm hugs, thoughts and wish you the best. We’re a community of narc abuse survivors who cheer on people like you.
He is, a true narc, no question about it. Same here. Now I have become “tougher” over the years, he jokes that I’m “too tough”... You have to work on your self quieter, stealthily. And sadly, behind his back. Stop expecting to hold you, help you and protect you.
To all the narc survivors out there, including me.I want everyone of us to live happily, forget this narc abuse if in case detached from them,move on,carry good memories,bag the lessons,but trust in yourself and God,let's bounce back with all peace and bliss.We have one life.
Absolutely! May God continue to be kind to us as HE has delivered us survivors from these demons! Let us rejoice in the Lord Jesus Christ our wonderful savior compassionate conquered Christ amazing Grace. Amen
Very sweet message. Hugs to you for it. We are tougher than the crap we are putting up with. We all need to make a plan and move on in life. Its better to be a little lonely than miserable
After being with my spouse for over 35 years, I finally have found the why! The cry of my heart, the 10 thousand tears, the years of longing for and going without. I am speechless. It.is.all.here. Thank you for these heartfelt words. Thank you for speaking truth into my life. Bless you!
When the relationship with a Narc is no longer EASY is when you notice it’s no longer SAFE. It is the most eerie, weirdest and creepiest SPACE to be in with this SUBSPECIES from only God knows where.
I asked a family member to help me do my IRS tax papers for '2019. For yrs I've done my own IRS tax forms, mailed out, no problems with IRS. I gave the family member my '2019 tax papers on June 1st, my filled out tax forms (I made sure to keep copies of all the papers myself.) July 6th I check his business work table & looked at my IRS tax forms folder, checked to see if he had done the work on my tax forms as he promised? No! I gave him more than a month to do the papers, & the deadline to mail in my tax forms was coming soon. Instead of getting angry, yelling at him (he is a narcissist,) I took my folder, with all my IRS tax forms, & left his house, went to post office, finished filling out the forms, xeroxed copies, & then mailed out the forms by registered mail with return receipt requested card enclosed. NEVER will I trust him with my IRS papers, forms again. I learned. Here is the interesting part - he works for the IRS!
@christar 95 Oh, I totally believe it as their behavior is completely ungodly. It’s one thing for a toddler to act that way, that would be age-appropriate and generally correctable, but when the toddler is (for example here) a 6’ 200lb crazy man, he’s way past the point of no return and that’s an entirely different animal...um, literally. 😈🔥
I cry when someone is nice to me, so often. I grew up in a family of narcissists, unfortunately, and these talks sure help me understand what I lived thru and am still dealing with at 65 with my narci older sister.
I also cry at times when people are nice to me. I also grew up in a family of narcs and am currently married to one. I've never had a "safe" place in my family. Thank goodness for therapists who provide a safe place. Wonder what Dr. Ramani charges? I so appreciate all of the free information she provides.
I blamed myself for such a long time that I might be too needy and codepedent in a narcissistic relationship. Now my therapist tells me everyone deserves secured relationships and leaving a narcissist is dodging a huge bullet of life.
Me to Narc: I want to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon..." Narc Ex H: "Um, people who qualify are real athletes. That goal is way too ambitious for you." Me at our divorce signing: "I qualified for Boston."
Congrats!!! I love this on SO many levels!!! As a runner who wanted to qualify for Boston and as someone preparing to leave a Covert narc and getting myself back!!! ❤️
@@clrify Yes! Good for you! You can do it! I am still working to get my life back... but at least I am narc free (except my dad who I am caring for right now). Part of my self care is running and trying to be easy on myself.
Congratulations, well done!! On qualifying and on leaving 🥳 I remember my narc diligently explaining how i am not good for this and that, no reason to try. When I went out and did what I wanted he took credit for my achievements 🤯 'you couldn't have done it without me'. Ffs, i did it in spite of you! Ugh..
I don't even know how a safe relationship would look like. All my childhood was about trying to hide my feelings to protect myself. My latest ex let me express my negative feelings for exactly 5 seconds and if my manifestation of it in any way (talking about something that happened, posture, crying) would last longer, he would put on the "stone face" and be angry with me. I felt like shit and it's so liberating being away from this treatment.
OMG! Ditto! I felt so incredibly alone. Anyone I confided in only said "Its normal for couples to have a fight now and then." Any effort to advocate for yourself only sends you deeper into the quicksand.
When you realize that every single major relationship that you’ve ever had in life, beginning with your parents, have been this type of relationship. I’ve never felt safe. What’s that like? 😞
in the same boat as you. Even with well-meaning friends who aren't narcs but I can't be fully myself with them bc they don't understand, if i open up about my problems with my narc family, i often hear the same thing in different words: "i'm sure it's not that bad"
I'm the same. Never felt safe because my parents were narcs too. Like somebody already said here in the comments, I can only offer you a virtual hug 😟🤗🤗
Yes, I was raised in a safe stable home. Was in a 15 year safe stable marriage before cancer took her away. Then in came in the grandiose malignant narc. She matches almost perfectly your high range narc video. The best way I can describe it: have you ever seen a dog that has been so beaten by its master that even looking in its direction makes it cower and put its tail between its legs? That was me. I've gone no contact and now just trying to weather the storm of the smear campaign being leveled against me in the community. But the trade off of having her gone is worth giving up whatever reputation I had with people. My home is peaceful again. We have our safe space back.
Describing the relationship as "a maze full of dead ends" landed quite heavily on me. Great video. This whole channel has helped me identify so many toxic patterns and helped me make peace with some outcomes that I couldn't understand. Now I do. Thank you. 🙂
In an ideal world, we would all feel safe expressing our feelings and our emotional needs in a relationship. Unfortunately, in a narcissistic relationship, you can’t do any of those things without feeling like you’re being a burden or just expecting way too much. Narcissists shape and mold you into becoming the perfect narcissistic supply so they can get away with doing all kinds of hurtful things to you and you just keep coming back for more. They can’t accomplish any of those things if you feel safe in the relationship. And, it’s not a real relationship anyway, because it’s all about them. They’re extremely selfish people.
Naseem Motamed they don’t even know they are doing it, maybe with the exception of a malignant narcissist. They are more able to plan and they know what they are doing. The other narcissists are doing it out of instinct to protect the “beast” inside of them from coming out and showing the world who they really are...
@@ancamarr681 Malignant narcissists definitely know what they are doing, and why they are doing it. I've had an ex who is one and a co worker. They are both the devil incarnate.
I met my husband and for the very first time in my whole life I was actually SEEN. SAFE. I’d lay awake at night bawling because I’d never known that feeling before.
@@taralilarose1 hopefully it helped people see who their partners really were. It opened alot of eyes. This pandemic has been a blessing and a curse. It helped many wake up to the illusion they were living in and it also caused people to lose their jobs. One is good the other is bad
A friend (whose first language was Chinese) once said to me that someone had made her feel "extinguished at the knees." At the time, I hadn't yet met a narcissist. I just thought her comment was so humorous, but now I understand!
"Be your authentic self." What the heck does that even mean? I have no clue. If you've spent your life trying to mirror other people, "self" barely exists.
Yeah I call myself a chameleon. Growing up in a narc home and dating only narcs, I can be myself but I can also be anything someone else needs. I kinda hate it.
It takes time to find our true selves and is a very personal healing journey. By weeding out these people from our life, exploring things that bring us joy while being in a safe environment, finding people we can trust and feeling /expressing our emotions, these are all ways that have helped me. Feeling emotionally safe is my new standard for any close relationships moving forward. I’ve had to learn to love myself and expect to be treated respectfully.
I LOVE THIS SERIES OF TERMS!!! 'Thank you' is highly insufficient to express how valuable your teaching has been to me and my adult daughter. We cant afford counseling, so you are quite literally our Angel! (Messenger of hope) Hugs from Sunny Florida!
Hi 12 year off abused realitionship .finiely try to understsd abuse.negelction.putining blame and shame on me .where i am the some who suffer a lots mean lots.lost my my my health.nearly loss my mind.than reliation come through my mind .what i was doing .destroving my own self.he is not worth living on the earth.if you in that sitution please walk bk go on safe place .if you got children take them with you childern got better understanding then you.if you safe and health it your life you can live the way you want.
When you grow up in a home that is never safe. You dont know what a safe space or relationship is. Thank you for helping me see what safety looks like and feels like. In unsafe homes your body is in fight/flight mode every waking moment. Sometimes it helps for someone to helpl you understand what healthy is.
@@ka8990 in general speaking I mean. Because I can be still compassionate without burdening myself. To know how far to go with people without getting lost in their reality.
Wow, so spot on! Left my narc husband and finally felt safe in my own space. What a relief. Just the thought that he might come to my home for some reason would lead to extreme fear! A lot better after 4 years apart but the fear still there. No physical abuse, just the daily invalidation, it was death by a thousand papercuts! Thanks for your explanation Dr Ramani.
Same here. I practically celebrated every day for a whole year after divorce - just being free, being me, in my own space/appartment, having my time, my everything,.. Freeedoooom... being away from years of daily 'paper cuts' is priceless. 🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️💜
You hit on every important, painful part of the first 41 years of my life. At 41 I started figuring out who I was and realized how strong , tough and smart I really am.
Same here. Am in late 40’s, been married for 20 years to a Narcissistic abuser wife. Only now beginning to understand my situation. The abusers can be women as well. I am a living proof of that. Unfortunately all the literature purports men as abusers so becomes hard to correlate with your situation. Back in 2015/2016 when I was finally forced to educate myself about my situation l started spending some time (actually lots of time) in the Barnes and Noble stores in the Psychology / Mental Health section and found the book, “I hate you, don’t leave me.” And, so did my journey of enlightenment started. But that book is about BPD and I read and browsed scores of books on that topic. Perhaps all the 10 top books on the topic including “Stop walking on eggshells.” Only last year (2019) around spring time, I seriously started looking into NPD. (Book “Becoming Narcissists nightmare.”). The reason denial played a big role in my case. You would think by looking at the surface that this can’t apply to you or your situation. Why in hell I or someone close to me have this disorder / decease ? Around same time I discovered Dr Ramani but I have seriously watched her videos multiple times during the last month or so. I came across dark triad last year as well (2019). Began to understand what. PD (Personality Disorder) really is last year as well.In fact I tried to memorize DSM IV definition of PD and repeated in my mind multiple times while driving etc. (From Book “Abusive Personality” Dr Dutton) Also, last year I started looking into attachment theory. It takes a long time to begin to understand what we are dealing with. In any case, we are fortunate to have Dr Ramani, You Tube and all the other latest tech / social media. Without these we may as well gone through entire life and be dead without realizing what we went through. I also feel for Dr Ramani (Empathy kicking in again :) ). She must have lived and suffered through these abuses first hand to have developed such a deep understanding. Can’t come without first hand experience.
@@bhupindergadh THANK YOU FOR YOUR INFO.YOU JUST STEERED ME TO SOME GREAT RESOURCES,I WAS NOT AWARE OF.I SPENT 15 YEARS SWIMMING THROUGH BARBWIRE FOR HER.I COMPLETELY SUPPORTED ENCOURAGED,PAMPERED,UPLIFTED&UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED HER.I ALWAYS ATTRIBUTED HER COV.MALIGNARC ACTIONS TO HER"HORRIBLE"CHILDHOOD.I WAS DIAGNOSED DEEP EMPATH BY A PEPPERDINE U.COUNSELOR IN 2000,AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INJURED BY THE PAIN&SUFFERING OF OTHERS.SHE COMPLETELY TOOK THE UTMOST ADVANTAGE OF THIS FACT.I'M 3&A HALF MONTHS NO CONTACT&MY LIFELIGHT IS BEGINNING TO SHINE AGAIN.SHE TOLD ME MANY TIMES TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.IT VAGUELY CROSSED MY MIND IN AN INSTANCE OR 2.I'VE BURIED BOTH MY PARENTS,GRANDPARENTS,5 OLDER BROTHERS,&SURVIVED 2 TOURS TO THE MIDEAST DESERT....THE TRAUMABOND FELT MORE DIFFICULT THAN ALL OF THAT PUT TOGETHER.I HOPE THE BEST HEALING FOR YOU.I'M GETTING STRONGER DAILY,HAVE GREAT,LUCRATIVE EMPLOYMENT&MY HUGE DRUMSET...LIFE WILL BE GREAT AGAIN.I LOVED HER SO MUCH😪TAKE CARE.
Truthfully that person is very rare for the atheistic mentality. I know from experience that bringing God into modern society is considered backwards. I know that NOT bringing God into modern society is suicidal. It's the choice each conditioned living being has to make, but it is the choice between knowing safety and knowing one disaster after another. 🙏🏻🌿🌷🌿
This is the video I needed. I kept saying I’m codependent and so did my ex. He said I need to learn how to be independent but I only started clinging when I started feeling unsafe because of his behaviors. I’m so used to taking all the blame. This type of relationship really changes you.
This has been so hard to come to terms with because I don't feel safe with my own Mom . I always knew she was something I couldn't describe or explain but I didn't know until a few years ago that it was called narcissism. I can't relax with her and it's exhausting.
Feeling safe is an amazing feeling! I have one friend in my life & from the moment I met her, I've always felt safe with her. She's the first person I felt a million percent safe with in my entire life so far which for someone who didn't come from a safe place was a strange but definitely a good feeling! If you ever find people who you feel completely safe with, *never* let them go!!!
I always told my ex that I never trusted him with my emotions or anything that would allow me to be vulnerable. I always categorized it as trust and not safety.
I've always said that if you can't trust man with your heart, how can you trust him with your health,/physical safety ? Breaking your heart makes you physically ill. Remember, if he truly cared, he wouldn't do to you what he resents other people doing to him. Narcissist are NOT oblivious to the damage they cause their victims.
I grew up feeling unsafe... it wasn't safe to express my emotions, feelings, or anything that didn't serve my parents... NOW I KNOW why I am trauma bonded to the narcissistic POS I used to call my friend. Dr. Ramani, your videos are helping me heal not only from narcissistic abuse, but from mental and emotional abuse from my childhood. When we know better, we do better. Breaking the cycle!!
I dated a full-blown narcissist over the pandemic. I lost my grandmother and my dad. He made it all about him. I walked away many times. I finally feel safe on my own. I am so grateful to have had that experience. It made me more clear about my boundaries and also have the courage to walk away.
It felt like my worst enemy was wearing the skin of the woman I LOVED with my whole heart! I would talk on and on on how wonderful I felt with her in my life, she was the fresh breathe in my lungs and I was SO HAPPY!!! Then everything came to a halt with gas-lighting, blaming, raging, turning and twisting my most sincere words of love and care into taunting and selfishness. I had no clue what narcissism was until I met her. Loved her more than I have loved anyone. THANK YOU DR. RAMANI for explaining in painfully accurate detail what this behavior is! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on this subject! You are a life saver, LITERALLY! THANK YOU!!!
Feeling safe means feeling like yourself, good or bad, strong or weak, being authentic. I was suffocating in my relationship and went to therapy. She asked: “Why are you here?” I said: “I am stuck, I am paralyzed, I cannot be myself, I live in a lie, I do not feel safe emotionally...”. I am sure a lot of survivors relate to that. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your wisdom. I suggest that some of your listen to HG Tudor. He is a Narcissist who is helping victims. He talks about the same things as Dr. Ramani. He is currently working with psychologists and part of his treatment is to help victims of narcissism. His approach is very no nonsense. It sure opened my mind. No looking back for me. Moving on. Reclaiming myself.
Omg same! I went with I believe my narcissistic ex and she asked me "why are you here? He doesn't care" said that right in front of him! We had our second baby and he didn't want to commit seeing me a certain night each week or particularly see me at all. Merely days after having my daughter, he wanted me too "fight for his affections" with his 17 year old fling! I am so pleased he is not in my space like that anymore. Yes I have to deal with him on some level but I am with someone elce who is absolutely supportive and I don't let him play his games anymore.
Realizing this happened just the other night on a date... The Narc was terrified when I didn't give him a reassuring comment. He looked scared... like he had seen a ghost... this all makes sense now... he was dying for the reassurance and because I didn't give it, he became extremely uncomfortable. It was really interesting to watch. Wow. Thank you for creating more awareness around dealing with the types of people and setting me up for success and healthy relationships.
OMG, that's my childhood in a nutshell! It is so incredibly comforting to know that this is a pattern of people with this specific personality structure and not something I did wrong - which I kind of thought it was till very recently. Time to let go of self-blaming and start to heal, I guess:)) Thank you so much!
Seriously. Every single time I here this lady speaks about this topic my mind gets blown wide open!!! I mean, she is speaking about this male I married to and in some cases my mother and her sisters. Absolutely tragic...
This one really resonated with me. Paraphrasing your words: 'Safety is more than absence of physical / sexual violence, it is being seen for who you are. And this is missing in a narcissistic relationship.' This sent an electric shock of recognition through my body. I felt very unsafe in my relationship for this exact reason. Years of healing work were undone because of this underlying murky feeling that I wasn't allowed to be present in that relationship. Your insights are profound and are helping me to regain my footing again. Thank you. I am so grateful for these video resources.
Finally, I live in a safe home, work in a safe office - that means a lot to me after years of not feeling safe in those environments. What a difference it makes to my daily living! I can now be myself. I can relax. It is a great feeling!
I noticed this in myself. Since I got involved with a narcissist I feel a sense of fear and anxiety and I am specious which I was very trusting before . A relationship with a Narcissist is never safe. They lie and they cheat so your health is always at risk. They are jealous and vindictive covertly so they can do damage to your life without you knowing. I am the type of a person if someone hurt my feeling I tell the person and if they apologize I accepted their apologize and continue to treat the person with love and respect and be and act the same way I was before, but if you hurt a narcissist’s feeling and apologize for it they will make you feel they accepted your apologize but behind the scene they will make you pay for it. This is why these ppl are so dangerous to be with. Where there is NO TRUST there is NO SAFETY! GOD HELP US ALL! Thank you Dr. Ramani. You are God’s gift to all of us! 🙏
Dr. Ramani you spoke the truth to problem that occurs in a narcissistic relationship. The one thing I learned in a narcissistic relationship is you can send all the text messages you want to a narcissistic person, they don't hear a word that you speaking for they can careless in what you have to say. Another lesson I learned in a narcissistic relationship is: The narcissistic person will repeat the same sentence over and over to get what they want from you. I found this is a cruel way of how narcissistic person manipulates by gaslighting a person to believe what they're asking from you is in the best interest for the both of you. In reality it isn't in the best interest for you and it's turn out to be a cruel game that the narcissistic plays to get what they want from you. I know that both of these lessons that I learned are not safe and it showed me the insecurity of a narcissistic person that doesn't trust other people.
Ironically the person I thought was safe, after decades of friendship has become the narcissist in my life. After many years of supposed friendship all the tears and struggles I had shared with her came back to bite me. Now that my life is on an even keel she has become very unkind pointing out every little flaw of mine....you fell apart when your husband left....you cry a lot...and on and on. Fortunately I don’t need her anymore. Thank you for your videos. So enlightening!
Oh my, I never had a safe relationship with my family, specially my mother. Neglect, sexual abuse, silencing, criticism, everything you said I have lived and I am not sure of how to start grasping the extension of the damage. It's so exhausting and lonely. I'm thankful I have you, doctor! Thanks!
Check Lisa A Ramano website you may get some ideas on how to start. Also michaelsamsel.com and adult child syndrome this 2 have helped me understand a lot Best of luck & keep going!
I suggest Richard grannon , he has several channels. Spartan life coach is one. Also Dr. Abdul saad and his channel vital mind psychology. I found that educating myself on the subjects of narcissism and cptsd helped me tremendously. All the best.
Holy WOW! “Being unsafe means you can’t be you...”. Thanks for these videos. Dr R, you put words to a world I couldn’t make sense of for over four decades. I went “No Contact” before knowing that was a “thing” and felt so much guilt for abandoning my family. With each video I watch in your series, you make sense of my life and validate how that excruciating decision was the best decision for my sanity. Thanks bunches for sharing your gift of wisdom and healing.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I love your videos! I divorced the narcissist after 18y of mostly toxic marriage, and with your help hoping to find a new partner without making the same mistakes and rebuilding my self esteem. This look suits you so well, you're a very beautiful woman :)
I decided to go no contact with a narcissist. When I told her a speeding car cut me off when I was driving on the freeway going down a steep mountain I almost lost control of my car. Instead of her saying “I’m glad you are okay. I know you must have felt terrified.” She end up saying “You know I have not eaten anything?” She was better of being silent. Her lack of empathy made me feel nauseous. I gave her too many chances. I’m done! Bye!
I'm on the verge of tears when you share the story about your wonderful friend-- made me feel grateful of mine. To genuinely kindhearted people, it may be a mere simple favor, or no favor at all, even. But to us it's beyond that. So so grateful of how contrast the wonderful people I am around with now, and exes & family members I used to be with. Therapy sure does help us filter people out that make us feel unsafe.
When you grow up with a narcissist parent, you learn that if you relax in the presence of other people, even for a minute, you will be mocked and humiliated. Safe relationships actually feel threatening because when you feel yourself relaxing around someone else it triggers that DANGER! DANGER! alarm
Again.Thank you sooo much. After 10 years of my blindness I know what is wrong. I knew that something was wrog but I didn’t know what.It is so simple to understand now My husband covered my eyes. I was living his way He was in my head all the time.
Exactly! And it triggered a full blown anxiety attack!
But then how do you know when it is a safe situation? Someone very interesting has made advances but I'm terrified that he is not sincere.
@@marysunderland4314 That is understandable. It is very scary to think about entering a relationship after you have dealt with abuse.
Be safe dear. Let love touch you deeply and gently.
for me, it was that I was going to be criticized.
Being UNSAFE means you cant be YOU, means you can’t show your feelings, your emotions, means you can’t share your thoughts ....
I could never share my thoughts with yhe narc
They are a bunch of psychos who play sick games and try to manipulate people to get their way.
Thanks for defining it. I knew a guy who was with a woman who was seeing someone else and he said if he left her he would be a narcissist.
@@tiffe4772 Wow that is truly sick. What a horrible way to gaslight someone, completely disregard their feelings & keep them in the relationship. These people will stop at nothing & they will literally do things that are so clearly immoral, but will always find a way to justify their actions. And then if you call them out on it, they act innocent/play dumb & ask, "What's the problem? What's the big deal? I didn't do anything wrong?". They want their cake & eat it too.
@@user-nl4yn5yo4o I don't think she tried to stay. His past abuse told him if he ever broke up with anyone then he was a narcissist
There is a definite lack of safety. Narcissistic relationships will always be confusing and emotionally draining.
That is the absolute truth
Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually drained
The term "emotional vampire" is quite accurate.
Confusing and emotionally draining. YES.
Amen!!!!
When you feel you can’t be yourself, it’s time to run for the hills!
So simple and yet so difficult. This is right. Why am I not doing it?
Yes, exactly
I feel like I know what I need to do but why am I searching for another answer? I guess I am waiting for someone to tell me that I am wrong and there is a way to save this relationship
@@meghanmack1500 Could it be confusion and fear are why?
@@daniellestevens5824 absolutely!!! Mostly confusion
I never realized I felt unsafe with him until I went no contact. The first night I was truly alone, I felt safe, protected, and loved, for the first time in years.
I'm sorry you went through that but I'm so happy that you feel all of those wonderful things now. Thank you for sharing.
amen. that first big EXHALE when you lock the door and know you are safe. and lie down in bed and relax. beyond words. and you never forget that moment.
I feel exactly the same way!! Moved out 2 weeks ago and it feels incredible!! We got this!! 💪💗
Narcissists go from "I will always be there for you, no matter what, every time you need me" to ghosting overnight.
Seriously! I thought I was in a safe relationship until one day the switch flipped.
I feel you on that.
and back again- and again- and back- here -gone- back again. wtf
i wanna know why they ghost us when we need them, for real
Oh I'll never leave you we're family ! Yeah right! I stopped believing that after the third discard
Having to censor yourself as a child because you know other family members feelings are more important than your own sets us up for very deep rooted pain.
Yes, very familiar. You are being offered and later become an easy prey like this for others, too...
Mary, I see you.
I feel that, too.
You matter.
You are the most important relationship you will ever have.
And, you are the only person you have to please in this life.
Sending love and blessings. 💖
Oh yeeees, society teach us to be there for others.... First
Yes, and every thought you have takes them into account first. What and how you feel is irrelevant. It's all about managing them. How they will feel and react to something that happened to you. How to break the bad news to them, when it's them who should be consoling us.
@@katarina9983 absolutely,well said
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is never making long term plans because you know they might leave you at any time for any reason.
you should be the one making plans to leave because if the narc is planning to leave it means they have nothing more to gain from you because the have taken everything including your soul.
I won't agree here. I find that in contrary, they won't ever want to let you go. My husband gets mad when i talk about separation. Then lovebombing starts which i know now is just a tool to keep you by.
Since they know they will leave in the end, why start?
Me: 🏃♀️/👩🦽/⛷
I could never book a flight or plan a vacation because I knew she would not be on the plane. It sucked! Two times we went to Vegas, she left me both times while there. It's crazy
I agree, this happened to me. Years ago I dated this Narcissistic man that said he was in love with me and proposed to me. He asked to borrow money to get his car repaired promising to pay me back in a couple of days. I literally loaned him everything that I had to my name to get his car fixed. When he came to visit I asked about the money he owed me because I desperately needed food he said " Tomorrow morning, I will pay you back the money I owe you and also I will take you to the grocery store to buy food". The next day came no call, now show he ghosted me for 2 weeks all my calls went to voice mail. He finally randomly left a note on my door when I wasn't home with some lame excuse for his absence. During his absence I found out he was already married. I called him and ended the relationship. Every day after that he threatened me with physical harm and even his flying monkey friends were threatening me saying I shouldn't have broke up with him and I was going to get my ass whipped.
Omg she is dead on.... You can go from being the best ever to not being good at anything...in a second
The flip flop is enough to give you a whiplash. Narcs go from idealization to devaluation within 1 text, email, comment, or minor (or imagined) transgression you made.
"quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about". Note to self: don't bother expressing your needs.
Sometimes the crying triggers their shame... which means it simultaneously activates their rage.
Omg, this is my husband, or soon to be ex husband. The kids crying just set something off in him, he couldn't cope. Instead of making them feel better he would just threaten them.
I heard that one a lot right after being beaten up to a pulp
OMG, been there lived that...
🎯💯
I grew up feeling unsafe...always told I was "too sensitive" - was sooo unhappy. It's been decades and I haven't found anyone I can totally be my authentic self with (alone w/my pets feels the best!)
"Too sensitive" being translated to you actually having a heart and being in touch with your emotions.
That’s the price to pay as an Empath. We give everything and then we get walked over. Better to be alone than being someone you’re not, get used and hurt. Good people out there, have faith!
@@ljo0605 also "too sensitive" can also be translated as "you have appropriate boundaries and you are well aware when someone crosses them."
@@kayb6803 beautiful comment thank u ✌️🙏
U r not alone 🐱🐱🐇🐇
With every video my eyes become more opened. This is all me.
Same here.. 😮
Antonija Tomić more of how my mom raised me than my current relationship.
Your mom was doing to you unbelievable damage,now it is big chances that you will do this to your kids unconscious.It takes loads of work to do,to not repeat same behaviour pattern what you seen in your traumatic childhood. You need to change matrix.That can also lead into hurting other people who love you.Because your mother was horrible to you.
UK thanks for your comment. I agree with you. My mom is codependent with vulnerable narcissist traits. My father was an addict and so we were never as important as his next fix. My upbringing made me decide early that I do not want children. I’m older now and I do have feelings of regret, but I am thankful that I’ve learned about narcissism and codependency at this point so that I ca recognize patterns and red flags.
Paper Mario,wish you all the best 💓
"they had to be more careful of their parents' feelings than their own" felt this.
I was like that then I waa like let me be myself cause my mom dont deal with me like that anyway
In delivery with my first child, trying not to be too loud. I didn't want to scare my mom.
@@cheryldenkins1597 you cant be yourself Dinkins
I grew up like that..my feelings came second to my parents..
Right
Being in a relationship with a narc is the true meaning of conditional love.... :(
or you easily lure them in
There is no love.
I have found unconditionnal love.
Except it's not love. They merely tolerate you. It's ALL about them. Their feelings for you depend on them perceiving how much you can be extracted for their usage.
Conditional liking
I can't even tell her I had a bad day nor express a negative emotion.
Wow I can so relate to this, she was never ever interesting in my days let alone how I felt, she never let me speak and when I did Bam!! She would run right over anything i said and would interrupt me. So disappointed being sapped.
It's so devastating when your feelings are unvalidated and the narc sides with whatever or whoever is tormenting you
Dealing with a narcissist is like navigating a minefield.
Pat Benetar- Love is a battlefield
Yes, yes and YES!!! You don’t know if the next step you take will be on that live hand grenade.
I am a single man ..surrounded by Narc women and co dependent toxic men...two of the narc women tried to pick a fight with me 3 days ago ...the next day her husband was found dead...she said it was a heart stroke but doctors said he was suffocated....then she said it was a suicide and that her husband hanged herself....she is on the run ...I am so glad that I did not react when she tried to provoke me to a fight....I am really grateful to Lord that I did not break no contact .or I would have gotten myself involved in abetment to suicide....please friends dont ever break NC...you never know what these narcs have planned, why they want to meet you at a specific place everything they do have ulterior and sinister motives....never feel confident to break No Contact...they are pure evil...guard your life and stay safe ...while she is on the run her toxic co dependent son has come to arrange father's funeral...so as Jesus said let the dead bury the dead..
Daniel Defoe
Narcissism is a spectrum
You’re referring to a highly dangerous narcissist or psychopath
Indeed it is because they all WAYS plotting and setting up landmines to destroy you - FACTS
Narcissistic relationships.kills the person and voice inside of you,and make you blind against all the abuse..you learn not to feel,not to speak and not to react,and not to recognize what is wrong and unsafe. A surviving skill to get through each day,numbing. Especially if you have no where to go.before you know...you will be imprisoned into a life where you dont belong to youself.....notice the warning signs...get out while you can...listen and look out for the warnings signs,before it is too late..
Exactly. When I got out, I was numb. A shell of myself. It was a very dark place.
The relationship can easily turn into a shared psychosis. Not safe> Not safe at all.
So true!
True...l dont feel...l am cold
A child cannot easily get out, they think its 'normal '. Half my life I believed it was all my fault.
I almost cry because this is so spot on.
I couldnt be myself when I was w him, and nothing I’d do was ever right.
And if I try to state my own opinion, he’d give me either heavy tantrums or silent treatment.
The trauma bond is not easy to recover from.
Praying for speedy emotional healing to all. ♥️
I'm so sorry this is happening to you right now too, I'm just coming out of the trauma bond too. I would get the exact same reaction on my own opinions and feelings. It's nice to know we're not alone
I hope you are doing well. I am so sorry you went through this. So much love to you and I hope you never deal with anything like this again ❤️
Lawrence Gonzalez I so understand!
You're not alone, Lawrence. Speedy healing to you too ❤️
Praying for your safety, comfort and love.
I am just coming out of a relationship with someone who made me feel so unsafe and unheard every day - he twisted every conversation round and told ME that I made HIM feel unsafe and like he couldn't speak his mind without me invalidating him. It made me feel crazy for months and I looked at how I could change - turns out the only way he felt comfortable communicating with me was if I just stayed quiet and let him be right every time. He constantly projected onto me and if I ever had any emotion that didn't suit him I would be told I was too sensitive or too needy or too opinionated. Honestly can't believe how blinded I was to this abuse but it is comforting to know that I'm not actually crazy lol. Sending love and healing vibes to everyone ❤️
Wow! Thankyou for articulating my experience so well!
@@winnieamar9368 my pleasure 🙏🏻
It happens to all of us. When you don't know, you just don't know.
Are you in nj? Bc sounds exactly like my ex lol but I guess there’s a lot of them out there😰
Every time I rewatch this video, I cry my eyes out. Realizing that someone understands just how unsafe I have felt in the various narcissistic relationships is as you say, like receiving a whole bunch of hugs at once. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Agreed, and what if I become one because you were raised by one or two or more?
Thank you so much 💕 Dr Ramani! Tears of hope for a better tomorrow and yet, acknowledging within that not only have I been forced to work, live and forced to trust narcissist, I have for the most part behaved this way. Is there hope?
I'm with you, fellow mamalex
I felt like I carried the emotions of the family and went through everything alone. You learn to expect nothing. What you do and who you are is never enough, and they say, “what have you done for me lately?”
I was telling one ( after everything suddenly just connected and came to light) how they just manipulated me. I poured my heart out to them, but did it in a way where I was expecting him to meet me on some type of common ground to where we could both come up with a way to be better with each other. All he said back was- "What have you done for me". I was so shocked, confused and taken back......
They definitely dont give the responses that you would think..or what you would even hope for.
@@laurac.9322 I agree
“I have absolutely NO help!”
Same here.
They are exhausting trying to not inflame their sensitivities.
Black Weirdo,
and perpetually punished
Sheila Crew my Ex Narc would claim she was “HSP” highly sensitive person!
Everything and anything that you or anyone else says to them is an attack, especially accountability.
@Black Weirdo yes, and completely oblivious to how offensive THEY are in almost every interaction.
Well put!
Safe relationship is one where we have the freedom to be ourselves without worrying about how others will react negatively to it. When we are conditioned by Narcs to behave in only the way that’s acceptable to them, the relationship becomes stifling and suffocating. The constant anxiety of walking on eggshells around them and their toxicity feels like living in a minefield. It’s just a matter of time before the Narc acts up. I understand now why I dreaded going home after spending time with healthy people.
Omg.. this is exactly how most of the time around him. I feel like I can't just be comfortable in my own home 😟
@Black Weirdo , that's an excellent metaphor for what it feels like when abuse intensifies.
Boom 💥
Visiting the parents after NC
~ Welcome back to the Insanity
And they expect you to just fall in line...
Lia N. Gkasouka sounding isn't being. It's not narcissistic to advocate for oneself. You are still capable of compassion, empathy and the ability to self reflect.
Makes me cry. I wished I had someone in my life who supported me.
I always get anxious around them and my words get mixed up. That's the difference between being around a narcissist and a non-narcissist. Around a non-narcissist I'm more relaxed and can string two sentences together and laugh. Being around a narcissist is like being around a crocodile. You just don't know when they're going to bite or what will set them off. With a narcissist, it's constantly walking on egg-shells, never knowing when they're going to explode for things non-narcissists wouldn't get rageful about, like mentioning how your day went. It's all about them. What you think, feel and love, is scorned, mocked, ignored, and seen as irrelevant.
Exactly - just when you think you’ve safely navigated around all that triggers him - wham/slash/snap the crocodile narcisist attacks.
OMG OMG OMG !!! I became less and less of myself as the years went by!!! I was constantly minimized. My feelings were constantly challenged. My space with him was emotionally UNSAFE! I walked away from him less than a year ago after decades of not understanding who he was. I'm learning so much!
On top of that, I'm told that's all on ME that I feel the way I do. No responsibility taken by the N.
I'm glad you got out. I really get what you're saying.
@@phoenixmode6909 Yes, I get that too. In trouble for feeling hurt, for feeling confused, for feeling controlled, for figuring it out....he told me he didn't want to live with a woman who felt she was controlled (that was an insult to him and just my weakness)....well, now he doesn't. Yay!!
When you feel you must have a list of examples to back up your claim (only to negated regardless)...frustrating to say the least. But when that overflows into proving your emotions/feelings- so very illogical, I was flabbergasted & realized just how sick & toxic my husband was.
Mine beat me down as if he was fighting a man for 3 days, I didn't know why, I loved hi.
I was expected to look my best all the time, to stay healthy, energetic and optimistic, in addition to being constantly enthusiastic about his ideas, encouraging and supportive as well as blind to his lies, misdemeanours and petty crimes. I could not be myself at all.
Spot on!!!!!! I was exactly and did exactly what you described!
@@carriefriedman6553 That was nearly me however , I got out before it got too serious, I saw a couple of signs but ignored them as I'm the sort of person who thinks no one is perfect so was looking past it. However I looked at his Ex's Facebook page and I could see the signs. She was posting all sorts over her facebook "saying things like, when your ex texts you saying he has changed" and then a woman laughing like "okay hun" and also he was starting to say things like oh you could of made an effort. I was like bye bye.....
Wow this is so true hit the nail on the head
SO true! I had no clue what I was getting into.
My daughter started saying..for no
reason.."you should , do this , or that" like I had no free will...I was thnkng..this is weird...in the beginning ...now I'm on to her game. Still extremely painful to accept...but the truth...is the truth.
The narcissists have no empathy at all, and this is a horrifying and dangerous relationship while exposing our true self.
elsa lam so true my ex acts very entitled and immature. She lies all the time and slander me she's a wolf in sheep's clothing.
@@craig3714 So does mine,and my so called friend,who is now one of his unwitting flying monkey's. Unfortunately the saying "fling enough s.. t around, some of it will stick" is true.,but people eventually learn the truth. All that you can do is turn the other cheek, hold your head high, and walk away from such crazy and toxic creatures.
@@natashastewart8203 Thanks but they still follow me everywhere I go and shop .
elsa lam absolutely. They can fake it though
@@rainbowmoonreadings4541 They are fakers !
I’ve had narcissists rage at me when I’ve been very distressed. That’s traumatic. Enough to completely break a person. Thank you Dr Ramani 😘
Never let your guard down. Living with a narcissist is like selling your soul to the devil. You will never be good enough and you will always be put down for trying to standing up to them. Run as far away as you can from them.
Well maybe or the complete opposite you become so distanced from their emotional outburst and meditate into your source of serenity and peace that they don't have effect on your emotional state.
@@jamiefrazier9641It was at the hospital, in the room where my dying mother was lying in the bed. The nurse asked me to ask people to leave so they could see to her. I’m a very nice person, so I said it very nicely. He is so narcissistic he had to get the attention on him 🤷♀️. They make me sick. Beasts!
They intentionally choose a distressing moment that you are going through to rage, get supply, have attention on themselves. I have a severe illness which needs surgery, he always blows up on my worst days, when I have to self care and look after myself. Their drama is never ending
@@sami6086So true. My narc ex always wants to start a fight when he knows I have something important to go to for the day. I don't know why they can't just hold their tongue for a while they just want to go at it whenever they please.
When you said healthy relationships do exist, it hurt my heart because it feels like there is much more narcissists than there is good people, which is why I stay single because I'd rather be alone than ever let a narcissist damage me again.
Chair !!! 😳. I saw a picture of my Mother and now my natural Father that I was not raised with. He is also more covert. My Mother was more Malignant!!!. I'm so over it 😡!!!!. I've dealt with these parasites my whole life.
I feel your pain. I didn't even know what NARCISSISM was until about a year ago. I had heard of it but didn't know what it entailed. When I watched Dr Ramani talk about what the symptoms are,,,,, I about fell out of my
I completely emphasise. Its such a shock! I also only discovered Dr. Ramani not that long ago (2 years ago) and realised I was born into a narcissist family and then got into a relationship and friendships with narcissists. I have now removed every single narcissist from my life, including my family and my life has never been happier! I'll never let them back in again.
Narcissists destroy lives......
Thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope all stays well with you. God bless 😊.
@@Goodlk231 You too lovely and I am sorry for the pain they put you through. Embrace your healing journey, even the hard parts of it xx
When you talk about wanting to cry and wanting someone to wrap your arms around you, but instead you get minimized, invalidated, and made fun of, it hit me hard. This is something I deal with with my partner who I still question whether or not they are really a narcissist or I’m just over reacting. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your clarity and kindness towards people in abusive relationships.
lilwhomst? I understand what you’re going through because I used to do the same thing. I questioned myself and the “gut” instinct I felt everytime I was invalidated by my Nwife. I’m still with her, but planning my exit and beginning my healing process. Here are a series of questions I got from another YT channel that have helped me figure out why I doubt myself and ignore my feelings. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself these questions to help figure out where your own wounds are that empower the narcissist in your life. Once you heal, you’ll learn to set boundaries and not ignore your inner voice for anyone!
1. When I ignore my inner being why do I do this? What am I scared about happening if I was to confront and speak up?
2. Do I let people talk me out of investigating and following through to find out the truth? Why?
3. When i discover truths that aren’t aligned with my values do I self abandon and make excuses for a person’s behavior?Why?
If it’s toxic .. that’s all you need too know
Lil, You’re probably high on emotional thinking dear. The questioning is a sign of emotional thinking. If his behaviors are a pattern and the relationship is toxic. Then it’s enough reason to exit. But be careful of FAB, which stands for fading affect bias. It’s our brains ability to forget the negative things before the positive things during no contact. You can either give up or die trying to fix these individuals. I’m sending you warm hugs, thoughts and wish you the best. We’re a community of narc abuse survivors who cheer on people like you.
Victoria Vitoroulis Yup. Narc or not, if it’s toxic beyond repair, it’s time to wake up to reality, get out and stay out.
He is, a true narc, no question about it. Same here. Now I have become “tougher” over the years, he jokes that I’m “too tough”... You have to work on your self quieter, stealthily. And sadly, behind his back. Stop expecting to hold you, help you and protect you.
To all the narc survivors out there, including me.I want everyone of us to live happily, forget this narc abuse if in case detached from them,move on,carry good memories,bag the lessons,but trust in yourself and God,let's bounce back with all peace and bliss.We have one life.
shilpa patil ❤️🙏🏻❤️
Absolutely! May God continue to be kind to us as HE has delivered us survivors from these demons! Let us rejoice in the Lord Jesus Christ our wonderful savior compassionate conquered Christ amazing Grace. Amen
Very sweet message. Hugs to you for it. We are tougher than the crap we are putting up with. We all need to make a plan and move on in life. Its better to be a little lonely than miserable
Thanks for that and wish you the best too! Peace and Happiness .
@@kimsmith819 so sweet
The amount of respect and admiration I have for Dr. Ramani is immense.
After being with my spouse for over 35 years, I finally have found the why! The cry of my heart, the 10 thousand tears, the years of longing for and going without. I am speechless. It.is.all.here. Thank you for these heartfelt words. Thank you for speaking truth into my life. Bless you!
Thank God you survived.🙏
Be careful. Don’t tell partner you are leaving. VERY DANGEROUS. Plan quietly and run.
“Feeling unsafe means you can’t be you” ❤️🔥
When the relationship with a Narc is no longer EASY is when you notice it’s no longer SAFE. It is the most eerie, weirdest and creepiest SPACE to be in with this SUBSPECIES from only God knows where.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
That describes it well... And may be why it took so long for many of us to wake up
I asked a family member to help me do my IRS tax papers for '2019. For yrs I've done my own IRS tax forms, mailed out, no problems with IRS. I gave the family member my '2019 tax papers on June 1st, my filled out tax forms (I made sure to keep copies of all the papers myself.) July 6th I check his business work table & looked at my IRS tax forms folder, checked to see if he had done the work on my tax forms as he promised? No! I gave him more than a month to do the papers, & the deadline to mail in my tax forms was coming soon. Instead of getting angry, yelling at him (he is a narcissist,) I took my folder, with all my IRS tax forms, & left his house, went to post office, finished filling out the forms, xeroxed copies, & then mailed out the forms by registered mail with return receipt requested card enclosed. NEVER will I trust him with my IRS papers, forms again. I learned. Here is the interesting part - he works for the IRS!
I think there’s a demonic element to narcissism and it’s been verified in books. One is The People of the Lie by M Scott Peck.
@christar 95 Oh, I totally believe it as their behavior is completely ungodly. It’s one thing for a toddler to act that way, that would be age-appropriate and generally correctable, but when the toddler is (for example here) a 6’ 200lb crazy man, he’s way past the point of no return and that’s an entirely different animal...um, literally. 😈🔥
Spot on. This is why I had panic attacks. Now, he's out of my life and I'm not having them
OMG, YES! Me too!
Ditto
Me too, sometimes I would even jump when he would appear unexpectedly.
Mr too,horrible.
I want to finally feel safe and loved for the first time in my life.
Me too.
@Black Weirdo beautiful. Thank you.
Me too
You’ll be there. There are much more love out there than you can even imagine.
@Black Weirdo Thank you! I enjoyed reading 'Desiderata' again after many years.
I just turned 62. Every day of my life I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. The gift of a narcissistic mother.
I know that I create safe environments for the people I love but I don’t recall having many relationships where this was done for me.
It's an interesting position to be in. The one that everyone turns to, has no one to turn to. ❤
OMIGAWSH THIS. SO MUCH THIS!!!
I've been watching these every day, had a dream Dr Ramani pulled me out of a pool of snakes. Subconscious metaphors be crazy
Dead Islander oh wow! 😱
DoctorRamani Thank you for the amount of clarity and power
I wished someone would have explained to me what "safe" means before I married my narc! Finally after 20years I found the way out- so happy now!
I cry when someone is nice to me, so often. I grew up in a family of narcissists, unfortunately, and these talks sure help me understand what I lived thru and am still dealing with at 65 with my narci older sister.
I also cry at times when people are nice to me. I also grew up in a family of narcs and am currently married to one. I've never had a "safe" place in my family. Thank goodness for therapists who provide a safe place. Wonder what Dr. Ramani charges? I so appreciate all of the free information she provides.
When my husband is nice to me I can only think. What do you want from me?
you are not alone. I walk your same path. I am humbled beyond words when people help me.
I blamed myself for such a long time that I might be too needy and codepedent in a narcissistic relationship. Now my therapist tells me everyone deserves secured relationships and leaving a narcissist is dodging a huge bullet of life.
Me to Narc: I want to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon..."
Narc Ex H: "Um, people who qualify are real athletes. That goal is way too ambitious for you."
Me at our divorce signing: "I qualified for Boston."
Congrats!!! I love this on SO many levels!!! As a runner who wanted to qualify for Boston and as someone preparing to leave a Covert narc and getting myself back!!! ❤️
@@clrify Yes! Good for you! You can do it! I am still working to get my life back... but at least I am narc free (except my dad who I am caring for right now). Part of my self care is running and trying to be easy on myself.
Congratulations, well done!! On qualifying and on leaving 🥳
I remember my narc diligently explaining how i am not good for this and that, no reason to try. When I went out and did what I wanted he took credit for my achievements 🤯 'you couldn't have done it without me'. Ffs, i did it in spite of you! Ugh..
... I did it IN SPITE of you. Been there done. 👏💪
I don't even know how a safe relationship would look like. All my childhood was about trying to hide my feelings to protect myself.
My latest ex let me express my negative feelings for exactly 5 seconds and if my manifestation of it in any way (talking about something that happened, posture, crying) would last longer, he would put on the "stone face" and be angry with me.
I felt like shit and it's so liberating being away from this treatment.
SO RELATABLE! And because of this very reason, anxiety courses through my veins like blood.
Same.
@@Nitya-r86 yes and they even blame us for our anxiety and insecurity!
OMG! Ditto! I felt so incredibly alone. Anyone I confided in only said "Its normal for couples to have a fight now and then." Any effort to advocate for yourself only sends you deeper into the quicksand.
@@imwatching2960 Yes. TRUE. The crazymaking is real.
When you realize that every single major relationship that you’ve ever had in life, beginning with your parents, have been this type of relationship. I’ve never felt safe. What’s that like? 😞
My heart breaks for you. Will you take a virtual hug?
in the same boat as you. Even with well-meaning friends who aren't narcs but I can't be fully myself with them bc they don't understand, if i open up about my problems with my narc family, i often hear the same thing in different words: "i'm sure it's not that bad"
I'm the same. Never felt safe because my parents were narcs too. Like somebody already said here in the comments, I can only offer you a virtual hug 😟🤗🤗
{{{ }}} 🤗🤗🤗
Same. I've never felt safe in any relationships.
I grew up in a family, where I felt I could not speak my mind. Only now I realize what really lack of safety means. Thank you.
Yes, I was raised in a safe stable home. Was in a 15 year safe stable marriage before cancer took her away. Then in came in the grandiose malignant narc. She matches almost perfectly your high range narc video. The best way I can describe it: have you ever seen a dog that has been so beaten by its master that even looking in its direction makes it cower and put its tail between its legs? That was me. I've gone no contact and now just trying to weather the storm of the smear campaign being leveled against me in the community. But the trade off of having her gone is worth giving up whatever reputation I had with people. My home is peaceful again. We have our safe space back.
Describing the relationship as "a maze full of dead ends" landed quite heavily on me. Great video. This whole channel has helped me identify so many toxic patterns and helped me make peace with some outcomes that I couldn't understand. Now I do. Thank you. 🙂
I used to call it "being in mom's maze. Great validation by Dr. R!
Once you’ re walking on ice, there`s no goin back. You ‘re already boring to them, devalued and probably already replaced.
It’s because they see other people as possessions. They don’t love us anymore than their favorite inanimate object.
In an ideal world, we would all feel safe expressing our feelings and our emotional needs in a relationship. Unfortunately, in a narcissistic relationship, you can’t do any of those things without feeling like you’re being a burden or just expecting way too much. Narcissists shape and mold you into becoming the perfect narcissistic supply so they can get away with doing all kinds of hurtful things to you and you just keep coming back for more. They can’t accomplish any of those things if you feel safe in the relationship. And, it’s not a real relationship anyway, because it’s all about them. They’re extremely selfish people.
Naseem Motamed they don’t even know they are doing it, maybe with the exception of a malignant narcissist. They are more able to plan and they know what they are doing. The other narcissists are doing it out of instinct to protect the “beast” inside of them from coming out and showing the world who they really are...
@@ancamarr681 Malignant narcissists definitely know what they are doing, and why they are doing it. I've had an ex who is one and a co worker. They are both the devil incarnate.
You areso absoutely right
Well there are healthy people you can get in a relationship with.
@@ladennayoung2939 That is true, but, at first you don't realise just how unhealthy they are.
Excellent teaching tutorial, some us of don't recognize 'safety' in a relationship because we've never known it.
Or, they've never known there is such a thing and it's okay to expect it.
🎯
im stealing this quote from a story I recently read, "I deserve to feel loved and safe not just *some* of the time, but *all* of the time"
I met my husband and for the very first time in my whole life I was actually SEEN. SAFE. I’d lay awake at night bawling because I’d never known that feeling before.
A pandemic heaped on top of an already unsafe relationship must be like the titanic
I keep telling people, this is the best time to become a notary public. Divorce will be on the rise when this scam-demic is over
Yeah hopefully it isolated a lot of them and gave their victims an opportunity to leave once and for all.
@@taralilarose1 hopefully it helped people see who their partners really were. It opened alot of eyes. This pandemic has been a blessing and a curse. It helped many wake up to the illusion they were living in and it also caused people to lose their jobs. One is good the other is bad
@@BestLife101 scam-demic!!! 😂 I know it isn't a laughing matter but that is a pretty accurate phrase.
@@jaybee2893 lol it's a big scam! 🤣
A friend (whose first language was Chinese) once said to me that someone had made her feel "extinguished at the knees." At the time, I hadn't yet met a narcissist. I just thought her comment was so humorous, but now I understand!
"Be your authentic self." What the heck does that even mean? I have no clue. If you've spent your life trying to mirror other people, "self" barely exists.
I know what u mean exactly....
Yeah I call myself a chameleon. Growing up in a narc home and dating only narcs, I can be myself but I can also be anything someone else needs. I kinda hate it.
It takes time to find our true selves and is a very personal healing journey. By weeding out these people from our life, exploring things that bring us joy while being in a safe environment, finding people we can trust and feeling /expressing our emotions, these are all ways that have helped me. Feeling emotionally safe is my new standard for any close relationships moving forward. I’ve had to learn to love myself and expect to be treated respectfully.
The constant editing of what I have to say has become a giant red banner to me in friendships. It’s a sign I didn’t realize before. Thanks.
"I deserve to be safe." Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hi dr ramani you are the best
I LOVE THIS SERIES OF TERMS!!! 'Thank you' is highly insufficient to express how valuable your teaching has been to me and my adult daughter. We cant afford counseling, so you are quite literally our Angel! (Messenger of hope) Hugs from Sunny Florida!
Hi 12 year off abused realitionship .finiely try to understsd abuse.negelction.putining blame and shame on me .where i am the some who suffer a lots mean lots.lost my my my health.nearly loss my mind.than reliation come through my mind .what i was doing .destroving my own self.he is not worth living on the earth.if you in that sitution please walk bk go on safe place .if you got children take them with you childern got better understanding then you.if you safe and health it your life you can live the way you want.
Yes, She most definitely is.
.
When you grow up in a home that is never safe. You dont know what a safe space or relationship is. Thank you for helping me see what safety looks like and feels like. In unsafe homes your body is in fight/flight mode every waking moment. Sometimes it helps for someone to helpl you understand what healthy is.
mnikaluza yuwaste fight or flight every moment...I feel that
Exactly. I’m in fight or flight all the time. This isn’t healthy.
Right. I lived in shock and terror every second. That went on till age 60. I don’t know how I am alive.
In fight/flight 24/7 as a child and later on. Nights as well.
Even though it sounds or looks like heartless we are not responsible for no one's insecurity and I absolutely refuse to play into it.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
It's not heartless . This people will cause you pain anyway wether you left or stayed . So stay away and keep your sanity.
@@ka8990 in general speaking I mean. Because I can be still compassionate without burdening myself. To know how far to go with people without getting lost in their reality.
Western Alliance what a great comment !
I am slowly learning this
I feel safe when I watch Dr. Ramani. So thankful for her expertise. A true doctor and true healer. Gives me hope for humanity.
Wow, so spot on! Left my narc husband and finally felt safe in my own space. What a relief. Just the thought that he might come to my home for some reason would lead to extreme fear! A lot better after 4 years apart but the fear still there. No physical abuse, just the daily invalidation, it was death by a thousand papercuts! Thanks for your explanation Dr Ramani.
Same here.
I practically celebrated every day for a whole year after divorce - just being free, being me, in my own space/appartment, having my time, my everything,.. Freeedoooom... being away from years of daily 'paper cuts' is priceless. 🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️🤸🏼♀️💜
I now realize that I have never in my life had a safe relationship 😞 Thank you Ramani.. now I know what to not accept anymore and what to look for.
You hit on every important, painful part of the first 41 years of my life. At 41 I started figuring out who I was and realized how strong , tough and smart I really am.
I hadn't even heard of safety and vulnerability until I was in my late 40s. It's taken decades to peek out of my bubble.
Don't feel bad I'm right there with you.
Same here. Am in late 40’s, been married for 20 years to a Narcissistic abuser wife. Only now beginning to understand my situation.
The abusers can be women as well. I am a living proof of that. Unfortunately all the literature purports men as abusers so becomes hard to correlate with your situation.
Back in 2015/2016 when I was finally forced to educate myself about my situation l started spending some time (actually lots of time) in the Barnes and Noble stores in the Psychology / Mental Health section and found the book, “I hate you, don’t leave me.” And, so did my journey of enlightenment started.
But that book is about BPD and I read and browsed scores of books on that topic. Perhaps all the 10 top books on the topic including “Stop walking on eggshells.”
Only last year (2019) around spring time, I seriously started looking into NPD. (Book “Becoming Narcissists nightmare.”).
The reason denial played a big role in my case. You would think by looking at the surface that this can’t apply to you or your situation. Why in hell I or someone close to me have this disorder / decease ?
Around same time I discovered Dr Ramani but I have seriously watched her videos multiple times during the last month or so.
I came across dark triad last year as well (2019).
Began to understand what. PD (Personality Disorder) really is last year as well.In fact I tried to memorize DSM IV definition of PD and repeated in my mind multiple times while driving etc. (From Book “Abusive Personality” Dr Dutton)
Also, last year I started looking into attachment theory.
It takes a long time to begin to understand what we are dealing with.
In any case, we are fortunate to have Dr Ramani, You Tube and all the other latest tech / social media. Without these we may as well gone through entire life and be dead without realizing what we went through.
I also feel for Dr Ramani (Empathy kicking in again :) ). She must have lived and suffered through these abuses first hand to have developed such a deep understanding. Can’t come without first hand experience.
@@bhupindergadh THANK YOU FOR YOUR INFO.YOU JUST STEERED ME TO SOME GREAT RESOURCES,I WAS NOT AWARE OF.I SPENT 15 YEARS SWIMMING THROUGH BARBWIRE FOR HER.I COMPLETELY SUPPORTED ENCOURAGED,PAMPERED,UPLIFTED&UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED HER.I ALWAYS ATTRIBUTED HER COV.MALIGNARC ACTIONS TO HER"HORRIBLE"CHILDHOOD.I WAS DIAGNOSED DEEP EMPATH BY A PEPPERDINE U.COUNSELOR IN 2000,AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INJURED BY THE PAIN&SUFFERING OF OTHERS.SHE COMPLETELY TOOK THE UTMOST ADVANTAGE OF THIS FACT.I'M 3&A HALF MONTHS NO CONTACT&MY LIFELIGHT IS BEGINNING TO SHINE AGAIN.SHE TOLD ME MANY TIMES TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.IT VAGUELY CROSSED MY MIND IN AN INSTANCE OR 2.I'VE BURIED BOTH MY PARENTS,GRANDPARENTS,5 OLDER BROTHERS,&SURVIVED 2 TOURS TO THE MIDEAST DESERT....THE TRAUMABOND FELT MORE DIFFICULT THAN ALL OF THAT PUT TOGETHER.I HOPE THE BEST HEALING FOR YOU.I'M GETTING STRONGER DAILY,HAVE GREAT,LUCRATIVE EMPLOYMENT&MY HUGE DRUMSET...LIFE WILL BE GREAT AGAIN.I LOVED HER SO MUCH😪TAKE CARE.
@@ericking4072 You got this! You are on the recovery side.
Enlighten Scientific me either. I’m not sure it occurred to me that I had a right to those things.
When you are with some folks, just being yourself is the greatest achievement..
I wish I had just ONE person like that....that I could feel ‘safe’ with.
❤
Truthfully that person is very rare for the atheistic mentality.
I know from experience that bringing God into modern society is considered backwards. I know that NOT bringing God into modern society is suicidal.
It's the choice each conditioned living being has to make, but it is the choice between knowing safety and knowing one disaster after another.
🙏🏻🌿🌷🌿
Thanks Dr. Ramani you are the mother of narcissistic understanding. 💚
Ones again I became aware of even more things that I’ve been through but didn’t attribute to narcissism. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Mrs M,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
"Core pathological insecurity" - spot on.....more pure gold wisdom from Dr. Ramani
This is the video I needed. I kept saying I’m codependent and so did my ex. He said I need to learn how to be independent but I only started clinging when I started feeling unsafe because of his behaviors. I’m so used to taking all the blame. This type of relationship really changes you.
This has been so hard to come to terms with because I don't feel safe with my own Mom . I always knew she was something I couldn't describe or explain but I didn't know until a few years ago that it was called narcissism. I can't relax with her and it's exhausting.
You see history differently now? It wasn't about you, you deserved better! Things can be better now 😊
Feeling safe is an amazing feeling! I have one friend in my life & from the moment I met her, I've always felt safe with her. She's the first person I felt a million percent safe with in my entire life so far which for someone who didn't come from a safe place was a strange but definitely a good feeling! If you ever find people who you feel completely safe with, *never* let them go!!!
I always told my ex that I never trusted him with my emotions or anything that would allow me to be vulnerable. I always categorized it as trust and not safety.
Sub FrY me too. They will use it somehow against us
I've always said that if you can't trust man with your heart, how can you trust him with your health,/physical safety ? Breaking your heart makes you physically ill.
Remember, if he truly cared, he wouldn't do to you what he resents other people doing to him. Narcissist are NOT oblivious to the damage they cause their victims.
quasimobius wow very well said!
You are absolutely correct! I had to break up with him because I started to doubt myself and became insecure.
Trust can never be a “right” it is earned first and then freely given. But if it is abused, it needs to be withdrawn, especially from a narcissist.
I grew up feeling unsafe... it wasn't safe to express my emotions, feelings, or anything that didn't serve my parents... NOW I KNOW why I am trauma bonded to the narcissistic POS I used to call my friend. Dr. Ramani, your videos are helping me heal not only from narcissistic abuse, but from mental and emotional abuse from my childhood. When we know better, we do better. Breaking the cycle!!
I dated a full-blown narcissist over the pandemic. I lost my grandmother and my dad. He made it all about him. I walked away many times. I finally feel safe on my own. I am so grateful to have had that experience. It made me more clear about my boundaries and also have the courage to walk away.
It felt like my worst enemy was wearing the skin of the woman I LOVED with my whole heart! I would talk on and on on how wonderful I felt with her in my life, she was the fresh breathe in my lungs and I was SO HAPPY!!! Then everything came to a halt with gas-lighting, blaming, raging, turning and twisting my most sincere words of love and care into taunting and selfishness. I had no clue what narcissism was until I met her. Loved her more than I have loved anyone. THANK YOU DR. RAMANI for explaining in painfully accurate detail what this behavior is! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on this subject! You are a life saver, LITERALLY! THANK YOU!!!
Feeling safe means feeling like yourself, good or bad, strong or weak, being authentic. I was suffocating in my relationship and went to therapy. She asked: “Why are you here?” I said: “I am stuck, I am paralyzed, I cannot be myself, I live in a lie, I do not feel safe emotionally...”. I am sure a lot of survivors relate to that. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your wisdom. I suggest that some of your listen to HG Tudor. He is a Narcissist who is helping victims. He talks about the same things as Dr. Ramani. He is currently working with psychologists and part of his treatment is to help victims of narcissism. His approach is very no nonsense. It sure opened my mind. No looking back for me. Moving on. Reclaiming myself.
Omg same! I went with I believe my narcissistic ex and she asked me "why are you here? He doesn't care" said that right in front of him! We had our second baby and he didn't want to commit seeing me a certain night each week or particularly see me at all. Merely days after having my daughter, he wanted me too "fight for his affections" with his 17 year old fling! I am so pleased he is not in my space like that anymore. Yes I have to deal with him on some level but I am with someone elce who is absolutely supportive and I don't let him play his games anymore.
Oh, @PH D, this is awful! I am really sorry! Never doubt yourself again. Stay safe! God bless!
Realizing this happened just the other night on a date... The Narc was terrified when I didn't give him a reassuring comment. He looked scared... like he had seen a ghost... this all makes sense now... he was dying for the reassurance and because I didn't give it, he became extremely uncomfortable. It was really interesting to watch. Wow. Thank you for creating more awareness around dealing with the types of people and setting me up for success and healthy relationships.
OMG, that's my childhood in a nutshell! It is so incredibly comforting to know that this is a pattern of people with this specific personality structure and not something I did wrong - which I kind of thought it was till very recently. Time to let go of self-blaming and start to heal, I guess:)) Thank you so much!
Seriously. Every single time I here this lady speaks about this topic my mind gets blown wide open!!! I mean, she is speaking about this male I married to and in some cases my mother and her sisters. Absolutely tragic...
This one really resonated with me. Paraphrasing your words: 'Safety is more than absence of physical / sexual violence, it is being seen for who you are. And this is missing in a narcissistic relationship.' This sent an electric shock of recognition through my body. I felt very unsafe in my relationship for this exact reason. Years of healing work were undone because of this underlying murky feeling that I wasn't allowed to be present in that relationship. Your insights are profound and are helping me to regain my footing again. Thank you. I am so grateful for these video resources.
Finally, I live in a safe home, work in a safe office - that means a lot to me after years of not feeling safe in those environments. What a difference it makes to my daily living! I can now be myself. I can relax. It is a great feeling!
I noticed this in myself. Since I got involved with a narcissist I feel a sense of fear and anxiety and I am specious which I was very trusting before . A relationship with a Narcissist is never safe. They lie and they cheat so your health is always at risk. They are jealous and vindictive covertly so they can do damage to your life without you knowing. I am the type of a person if someone hurt my feeling I tell the person and if they apologize I accepted their apologize and continue to treat the person with love and respect and be and act the same way I was before, but if you hurt a narcissist’s feeling and apologize for it they will make you feel they accepted your apologize but behind the scene they will make you pay for it. This is why these ppl are so dangerous to be with. Where there is NO TRUST there is NO SAFETY! GOD HELP US ALL! Thank you Dr. Ramani. You are God’s gift to all of us! 🙏
This is such a good subject
My chin hit the floor when I listened to this. It’s just spot on!
Leah Hudson Writes,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Dr. Ramani you spoke the truth to problem that occurs in a narcissistic relationship. The one thing I learned in a narcissistic relationship is you can send all the text messages you want to a narcissistic person, they don't hear a word that you speaking for they can careless in what you have to say. Another lesson I learned in a narcissistic relationship is: The narcissistic person will repeat the same sentence over and over to get what they want from you. I found this is a cruel way of how narcissistic person manipulates by gaslighting a person to believe what they're asking from you is in the best interest for the both of you. In reality it isn't in the best interest for you and it's turn out to be a cruel game that the narcissistic plays to get what they want from you. I know that both of these lessons that I learned are not safe and it showed me the insecurity of a narcissistic person that doesn't trust other people.
Ironically the person I thought was safe, after decades of friendship has become the narcissist in my life. After many years of supposed friendship all the tears and struggles I had shared with her came back to bite me. Now that my life is on an even keel she has become very unkind pointing out every little flaw of mine....you fell apart when your husband left....you cry a lot...and on and on. Fortunately I don’t need her anymore. Thank you for your videos. So enlightening!
Oh my, I never had a safe relationship with my family, specially my mother. Neglect, sexual abuse, silencing, criticism, everything you said I have lived and I am not sure of how to start grasping the extension of the damage. It's so exhausting and lonely. I'm thankful I have you, doctor! Thanks!
Check Lisa A Ramano website you may get some ideas on how to start. Also michaelsamsel.com and adult child syndrome this 2 have helped me understand a lot Best of luck & keep going!
@@tatucorreia Thank you so much!! Thanks!!
@@KL31NGR055 my pleasure.
I suggest Richard grannon , he has several channels. Spartan life coach is one.
Also Dr. Abdul saad and his channel vital mind psychology.
I found that educating myself on the subjects of narcissism and cptsd helped me tremendously.
All the best.
check out outofthefog.net. Wonderful website, very supportive. Saved my sanity while going no contact with abusers.
I certainly deserve to be safe and loved. I have endured so much emotional, mental and pychological battering in my life.
Holy WOW! “Being unsafe means you can’t be you...”. Thanks for these videos. Dr R, you put words to a world I couldn’t make sense of for over four decades. I went “No Contact” before knowing that was a “thing” and felt so much guilt for abandoning my family. With each video I watch in your series, you make sense of my life and validate how that excruciating decision was the best decision for my sanity. Thanks bunches for sharing your gift of wisdom and healing.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani! This video makes me realise how pathetic the narcissists are!!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I love your videos! I divorced the narcissist after 18y of mostly toxic marriage, and with your help hoping to find a new partner without making the same mistakes and rebuilding my self esteem. This look suits you so well, you're a very beautiful woman :)
Wow every topic is so relevant 😭😭
This couldn't be more timely. 😭
I decided to go no contact with a narcissist. When I told her a speeding car cut me off when I was driving on the freeway going down a steep mountain I almost lost control of my car. Instead of her saying “I’m glad you are okay. I know you must have felt terrified.” She end up saying “You know I have not eaten anything?” She was better of being silent. Her lack of empathy made me feel nauseous. I gave her too many chances. I’m done! Bye!
Omg, I’m glad you’re okay. They can be so cruel.
I'm on the verge of tears when you share the story about your wonderful friend-- made me feel grateful of mine. To genuinely kindhearted people, it may be a mere simple favor, or no favor at all, even. But to us it's beyond that. So so grateful of how contrast the wonderful people I am around with now, and exes & family members I used to be with. Therapy sure does help us filter people out that make us feel unsafe.