I experienced this - over and over, but continued to stand up for myself, thinking they would ultimately care. I filed for divorce when I finally realized this was NEVER going to happen.
So if you have ever seen this movie the room , its a bad b movie , this guy shoots himself at the end and hisnfriends find him , one of the actors in the background at one point literally looks bored , when i saw that scene i busted up laughing well the whole movie lol but that scene also reminded me of that type of reactions from narcs , you could be bleeding in front of them and at best they might get a little nervous if that meanwhile.their thinking i want this to end so i can go diddle my fancies.
“I am not responsible for the way you feel”, “You are too sensitive and make a big deal out of nothing”, “You have no idea what you are talking about...”, “You ALWAYS overreact!”, “You have no sense of humor, I was just kidding...”
Anca Marr YES, Yes, yes everything you typed! Right up to the point that your fear, belief, hunch, intuition or thoughts prove true. Then if you confront the narcissist you’ll be greeted with the blank stare, silence, no apology and no remorse. A day or two of the silent treatment to punish you for being right and everything will be back to normal like it never happened! Then the whole cycle begins again.
"Nothing you say matters" "no one cares what you have to say" "nothing you ever say makes any sense" "you're crazy and you just blab" " I can NEVER take anything you say seriously" I'm literally one of the most well-spoken people I know 😔 I've written 10 page scientific papers, aced every college honors writing/English class, and was raised by a motivational speaker lol. I've been told by many people in my life I should look into becoming a lawyer. That's how good I am with speech and persuasion. If a narcissist isn't the devil, I don't know who is.
Kelsey Renee Odd how literally every other person you come in contact with has no problem understanding you or communicating in some form back to you except the narc. While not as pedigreed as you I am a educated white collar manager who addresses groups of people on a regular basis yet somehow the covert narc in my life never could communicate with me. Oh and she has an MBA lol
My parents used to sing cheer up to mock me, I later found out I am autistic and was having meltdowns to ongoing abuse. Toxic positivity is more damaging than people give it credit for.
This part. Toxic cheeriness was a big part of the narc abuse that permeates my life from my earliest memories. It is the reason why I have CPTSD and an autoimmune disease today. Now I’m 43 and a fledgling survivor. I am so sorry this happened to you too! 😢✊🏾
When I would break down and cry with my covert Narc ex husband, he would NEVER come to me and just hold me. He'd stare at me from across the room or ignore me in the car. I'd look out the window and try to silently cry because he'd actually get angry. Accuse me of being manipulative when in truth, my heart was breaking over and over 💔 14 years this went on. *THIS* is invalidation abuse and also physical & emotional neglect.
That's what my fiance is doing. He makes me feel like I'm a big baby when he was harsh with something he said and I'll just wanna talk. He gets angry and won't let me talk and then walks away from me. I never get hugs unless it's for a show for others it seems.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽 I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥 It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔 The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️ The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 🙏🏽 You CAN do it! 💜
Loss of Self: *Our needs are rejected, so we deny them. *Our desires are ignored, so we dismiss them. *Our opinions are invalidated, so we discard them. *Our values are dishonored, so we abandon them. *Our words are twisted, so we remain silent. *Our feelings are too painful, so we numb them. Kay Douglas
Alma, this is exactly what I have done to myself... thank you for posting! Where can I read more about this? Who is Kay Douglas? UPDATE: Is this the book? Invisible Wounds: A Self-Help Guide for Women in Destructive Relationships [Douglas, Kay] on Amazon. www.amazon.com/Invisible-Wounds-Self-Help-Destructive-Relationships/dp/0704344505
I needed this video today. Being invalidated for years can really destroy your self confidence. It's like talking to a brick wall trying to discuss anything with a narc.
"You ALWAYS exaggerate everything." "You are too sensitive." "I didn’t say that." "You are over emotional." Resulting in constant self doubt, fear of saying anything. No more. I reject this narrative.
Statements when people who are not interested. They don't like you and so they take everything is an opportunity to abuse you 2nd hand. It would be better and good of them to just walk away and say they don't care
I am a nurse and we learn early on to never say that “Everything will be okay.” Because sometimes things aren’t okay and do not end well. Instead I tell my patients that “I am here and I will take care of you.” I hope it helps them to know that they are not alone.
Wow, that is so much easier to say and understand since anytime ive ever said everything is going to be ok... Id deep down feel unsettled because as u said... You honestly have no way of really knowing... I will be here for you ... However. . Much more personal and means personally so much more. Thank~You.
Nice. I've raised up 4 kids by myself. Learned to give up everything I've ever wanted or dreamed of trying to help them be successful. My kids ❤ don't give a dang about me. Lol. My son moved me into a big house with him and his covert narc. They have everything I own now....thier house is beautiful 😍 my sons girl completely ignores me walks into a different room when i walk in ..... i am 😨 afraid.
It's unbelievable what they put you through, nobody could understand unless they've experienced it themselves. You're not alone and channels like this will pull you through it. It's one huge lesson in life I wished they'd taught us in school, but once you know what it is you are golden. It takes a little while but you'll get there
Wendy Handley, lovely words! I’m finally on a new path after a devastating five years of realisation -gradually finding peace after eight months no contact. These times are especially testing to victims of this kind of abuse. Take care and keep safe.
Loss of self confidence and identity is what I suffered after years of invalidation. In order to survive narcissistic abuse, I convinced myself that I did not matter anymore. I stopped trusting my instincts, to the point where even natural reflexes were delayed. It got so bad, that even when I was ill, I did not seek medical help. When situation really called for it, I was unable to tell the Dr what was wrong. I believed I was not entitled to ‘feel’, so I did not deserve treatment. Invalidation extinguishes our sense of self.
My gosh, I hope you are doing better now. You have all my sympathy. It did happen to me as well but not to this degree. You are important, you matter. Please, trust yourself
Annarosa Girardini, thank you so much for your kind words❤️. Happy to tell you that I’m in a good place now. It was crippling, being trapped with a Narc husband in a foreign country for nearly 3 decades, with no support whatsoever. The discard came as a blessing in disguise. It forced me to seek answers and I found Dr Ramani’s videos😊
@@nelumbonucifera148 The consequence of what you described is completely evil in the sense that the invalidated person will not even feel worthy of acceptance by Jesus Christ and forgiveness of their own (real) sins. They feel unworthy to be loved in ANY ways and as a person created by God over time so they will even distrust their creators own word and loving mercy towards them. I very much hope your narc didn't kill that trust in God inside YOU. Psalm 27:10 / John 3:16 🙏
Corinna Schütt, he did try very hard to do exactly that. And failed miserably, by God’s grace🙏🏼. He deliberately made it difficult for me to practice my faith, though we shared the same religion. He even groomed our kids to ridicule me when I prayed. I held on to God with full faith. That’s the one thing I refused to let go. And it drove him nuts! Literally behaved like a possessed being. God saw me through the dark days and brought me to light. And here I am today, alive, to tell the story😊
I literally had the biggest aha moment! Now I understand why I hold myself back from sharing thoughts or my point of view to my husband. I didn’t realize it was my defense against feeling invalidated for so long.
Spend more time with friends and family who do validate you. He will start criticizing them to isolate you. Or even the dogs if you get validation from them - like my ex. Learn how to react and not engage and remember that THIS IS NOT YOU.
I feel invalidated in my relationship BUT listening to this made me realised that I have also invalidated friends and family without understanding and certainly without wanting to do so . Thank you DR Ramani
Wow! I am so glad that you shared this with us. Sometimes we are so focused on trying to understand what happened to us, we miss what we may have done to others. Thank you. I am sure that your comment will give us a lot to think about.
Ah, but you are aware of it (as opposed to narcissistically not noticing it in yourself). Just stay aware of it. You'll notice over time, by just being aware of it, those moments can turn into validating moments. And on top of that, you'll infect others with your validation techniques and your self confidence will soar. Kudos. And good luck to you.
so true. it's very much culturally enforced. The person who questions below must be blind, it's in humor, and gaslighting is commonplace. People are insensitive as a defense mechanism to their own pain.
@@inneralignmenteducation I wasn't being blind, it seemed to me that you were making a very important point and I was interested to hear more of your thoughts and reflections on where and how you observe this taking place around you/ in society at large.
@@devidaughter7782 it is insidious, very subtle, but invalidation is so real and we even do it when we aren't aware.. everyone, including myself. I did not mean to come off as harsh and apologize if I have. Sending love.
The Narcissist would express THEIR feelings for hours about what someone said or did to them. When I attempted to express my feelings, they became impatient, would interrupt and they actually said; "I don't know why you let those things bother you!" "If it was me, I wouldn't waste my time!" Narcissists are HORRIBLE creatures!
You've hit the nail on the head. We have all said and done the wrong thing esp if we grew up with it. BUT if someone cometo me with their hurt feelings I will hold court for them, narcissistic people will just call us too sensitive and have zero patience for how we feel. Feelings unless it's theirs are irrelevant to them! It hit me a month ago How im constantly put down and now allowed to show feelings and definitely don't get validation unless it suits them yet when they need someone to validate theirs im the first person they come to! This time I didn't bother! ✌
Yes I’ve experience the exact same thing with my covert/grandiose narcissist partner, it’s exhausting being around someone who constantly invalidates you yet expects you to give them endless supply of validation and love and empathy. Very one sided and toxic
I TOTALLY understand! That is simply a comment from people who have no experience with what you're going thru. Now, don't get me wrong, God is the best! and He's healing me emotionally in huge ways ... but so often Christians have no clue what to say: because they don't know any better, since they've had no real experience with the Father!!!! and until we do, we have little to offer! just words or platitudes, like "offer it up in prayer". That is so unfortunate. And while it may be (semi)-true, its not what's needed at the time!!! Jesus cared. He spoke kindly, and with understanding. And he wept... Please don't think all -true- believers are this way - we are not! especially those of us who've walked thru messes like this and come out better the other side! Bless your heart, dear.
My husband puts all the pressure of forgiveness and reconciliation onto me in regards to his mother because in his words "You're the Christian and should set the example for her." She's a devout Catholic and is 32 years older then me. The only lesson I taught her (by listening to my husband against my better judgment) is what a rug I am for her to wipe her feet on. I finally have to realize forgiveness is not reconciliation. I'm embarrassed at how stupid I looked letting one person subject me to lower my standard of respect and integrity by using Bible verses out of context. This happened innumerable times so I also looked unstable by going back and forth. If it was all up to me I never would have been available to play a cat and mouse game or be a source of gossip and drama. The constant friction and stress caused depression, weight gain, loss of enjoyment in life. Religious people are the ones who crucified Jesus.
@@thatsfunny2051Yes! All in the hopes of securing the loyalty of my husband and attempting to please him. My husband can't see why I'm "too sensitive" or "delicate". He'll make comments like "Well, I guess you can't forgive then." 20 years of wasted effort for both of them.
When you're constantly invalidated as a child, if you look back at your upbringing, you can kind of understand why you don't trust your own judgement, think you're stupid, etc....It takes self reflection, care and mindfulness to realize your true value. Lack of confidence is soul-crushing, but most of it can be traced back to a toxic home environment.
Whats weird is how deep those feelings can go. Even after some therapy and a decade of functioning my family's invalidation was able to worm its way into my head. I began to doubt things that I knew were true from experience. I was not prepared for that.
Use your voice. If they get mad it's their problem, not yours. Although, there is a term, "velvet hammer". In otherworldly, speak honesty but not in anger. Be well
I know a year has passed but I wanted to say how much I relate to your reaction, I had also cried and was shocked when I first realized ... I hope you're in a much better situation now
Sandy Bravo I totally agree about needing to cry, as tears are for healing after all! I used to get told not to do it, then ended up in a really bad way. I managed to learn to cry properly, which is one of the best things I've ever done. I have no desire to drink, or to partake in other drugs, or to smoke anymore, or even to see narcissistic ex-partners again, because I can feel the pain instead nowadays. I hope you're okay and will be able to get away from your invalidating family members eventually, if you haven't already. ❤
Well said.!!!! If you look at it in reverse; maybe they have used this tactic in the past on other people and assume you are also doing it on them, and they are thinking ; (subconsciously); ‘they’re not real….I’m not falling for that trick.’
He who smelt it dealt it. Your comment is abusive. You're. They are standing in front of a person in the present moment. That person has a situation as an expressing herself which has a right to do She will effectively tell them if she wants care are interests from them and if they don't want to give it then they can just leave. There's no excuse for that
I’ve been invalidated my entire life and it still continues to happen. It’s crazy how dehumanizing a person can be, especially if it’s your own parents telling you, “We’re doing this for your own good.” Trust your gut instinct.
Yes!! I have a friend who often says 'I love you' or 'you're like a little sister to me' but I never feel like returning the compliment or saying 'I love you too' It feels forced and my body tightens up...perhaps for good reason.
Because of my parents constant invalidation, I grew up to be an invisible woman. I always feel like a burden when I try to interact with people. I drew the attention of many narcs over the years because of my clear lack of boundaries.
You really do have to set a good firm amount of boundaries no matter who the person may be. You have to be strict with your boundaries and make sure people really stick to those boundaries, with no accept-ions.
I've developed a reflex to leaving situations that feel that way, regardless of intent. Do we ever recover from people like this who had power over our lives?
@@BaskingInObscurity Personally I don’t think one truly gets over it or fully recovers from it. It’s not impossible by any means, just takes some time cutting out all of the toxic people from our lives and always have to keep your eyes open. Always trust your gut instincts, your intuition, follow the path you wish to take in life, don’t look back, and most importantly, don’t forget to enjoy the ups and downs in life. Do what makes you happy and stay away from the negative people that try to tear down your happiness. And also try not to mistake the people giving you constructive criticism for negative people who try to bring you down. They really could be your friends and family trying their best to help you, give you advice, watch out, and care for you.
When I tried to tell my mom that I was bullied very badly in elementary school, she told me that I didn't understand what bullying was, and that what I experienced wasn't bad enough to be considered bullying. As an adult I always worry that I'm being overdramatic or making a big deal out of nothing. I have had to learn how to trust my own mind. It is excruciating to doubt your own reality.
I was bullied in junior high school but my parents were like oh? You got bullied at school? Well....they didn't do anything or talked to teacher. They thought it was nothing and will make me 'toughen up's or 'be tough'.
I wish I could offer you a hug in person. My mother invalidated physical, emotional, mental abuse and bullying in the home and severe bullying at school. And when I attempted suicide at age 26 after yrs of abusive relationships and all that trauma she had the audacity to ask me why!!! 🤷🏼♀️ Not, did they do anything, which would be my VERY 1st question if my son attempted suicide. Bc I would KNOW ABOUT IT AND I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT B4 IT HAPPENED BC THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS. You deserve better, darling. Let your friends become your family and relinquish any hope that they'll change. I have a beautiful but small number of people who I know I can rely on in any circumstance and they're what I consider my family. May you be blessed abundantly and heal those wounds 💓
In my experience narc moms are the worst because they make you doubt your self then everyone defends them saying," shes your mom, she loves you and wants the best for you"
“This can lead to loss of creativity,authenticity, and courage” “Many of you reflect on an invalidation that happened in childhood that killed an interest” I finally know why I was depressed for so long I let those toxic people from childhood take away my voice.
the loss of the creativity and courage to make decisions is what I've experienced. I did not understand why it happened - such a loss - so sad... I'm fighting back on a daily basis... i need prayers!
Yes! This part of the video ripped through my heart and made my stomach bottom out. I am 35 and just finding a semblance of my voice! I never understood why I never completely succeeded at achieving my dreams!
IT IS A MAJOR CAUSE..OF DEPRESSION, MENTAL illness, & TRAUMA....ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAS ABUSERS AS PARENTS....AND THEY NEVER... TOOK ANY ACCOUNTABILITY AT ALL...FOR ALL THEIR ,ABUSE, NEGLECT, DRINKING OR DRUG USE, OR PARTYING.....DJ.DEB.USA SAYS JUNE 7,2021
I’ve learned when you think something feels off and you question it and a narc says, “ I wouldn’t worry about it.” Start worrying, because you have been smeared.
Wow the part about bringing up things from the past to deflect really stuck out to me. Or when you bring up something and they “don’t remember” but they remember everything that you do.
Yes this is a go to of the narcs. He goes back 34 years to something I did in my younger somewhat carefree days. BUT he doesn't look at or acknowledges what he does in present time.
"You think too much"; "I'm just teasing you" - these are some of the invalidating remarks I got from my ex as a way to shut down anything he didn't want to hear.
I used to get the "you are too sensitive." This was always after an insult to me and then I would stick up for myself (boundaries). Also the favorite from Dad was, "you're just like your mother." So true that constant invalidation in childhood leads to self doubt and low self worth. Learning at 48yo the man you loved with all your soul (father) was a lying piece of garbage and did his best to sabotage any and every life goal of mine really sucked big time. I am trying to make piece with it and go no contract, but It hurts.
Yes! My husband says both of these things. Or I will make a comment about the mess he's made or that his messes are driving me nuts and he'll just laugh! I have told him repeatedly how important it is to me to have a somewhat clean home and that it feels very disrespectful when I've just spent time cleaning a space and then he immediately makes a mess and leaves it. It's horrible the way he laughs at me when he knows it is a huge contributor to my depression.
I disagree, feeling are higher sensible since love is a sensible feeling. So is pulling your hand away from something painful or leaving someone who causes you pain. Id say thats awfully sensible IMO.... 🧩
If you believe feelings are insensible, id have to say your linguistic ability is kind of shallow and therefore partially Narcissistic. No offense but please use words properly according to etymological value or else people will misinterpret your message.
I was 9 months into recovering from Lyme disease and I was still struggling physically and mentally. Living on a large rural property, I was concerned I might not be able to maintain the land anymore. I explained this to my wife. With no hesitation, she replied "well, then YOU will just have to go and live in a townhouse". WTF? Guess what? I left her just before the lock down and moved into...a townhouse. Now she has to do all the things I used to do that she never once showed appreciation for but would criticize me for not doing right. Well, I done right this time.
That key word hit me, "dimishment" . I felt as though I just disappeared into nothing...in therapy, when asked how a particular situation made me feel. The only word I could find was that I was just nothing. I felt like I was nothing. I believe my experiences with my cold, neglectful mother and later my husband kept me confused because it was really covert mind games that I couldn't explain or put voice to. I disappeared over the years. My mom and husband also would gang up on me together undermining me as a parent, make jokes at my expense that I didn't find funny. Diminished- says it all. Thank you! I needed that word.
Ong I'm so sorry you've gone through this! I'm afraid to get married for that very reason, fear that my husband would end up being a narcissist who will gang up on me with my narcissistic family. Truly I am deeply sorry you have been put through such a hellish nightmare and hope you are able to break free from these abusers 🙏 🌸
Oh, so relatable. Try to share a feeling or bring up issue and it all gets shut down. “Why are you trying to start a fight?”. I’m not attempting to fight, I’m attempting to express my p.o.v.
@@TouchWoodProductions01 I heard that every time I tried to talk about my feelings in a calm way. He'd say "I really don't want to fight - do you want to fight?" in a combative tone and I'd just sit there, baffled, because I hadn't even raised my voice or made any kind of accusation. Just explained how I was feeling. It was incredibly frustrating. :(
I got chills. This really spoke to my heart. So many times my ex would corner me, then furiously criticize me out of now where, and make me feel valueless and then follow up with your exact words saying,”geez I can never talk to you about important stuff because you always cry.” I always thought I was the problem in being too sensitive. But now that I look back, He was being purposely cruel and manipulative and using my insecurities to mess with my head. Thank you for clarifying and giving a name to what I went through.
Ashley Allen same. Towards the end I was crying pretty much all the time. My ex even told me I was incapable of being happy and I started to believe him.
Don't Belong Here, From Another Planet ugh. My eyes are opening more every day. I’m freshly out of a 6.5 year relationship. We were engaged and he broke it off out of literally nowhere 2 months ago. Now I’m starting to see lies after lies. I see now I dodged a bullet. I’m sad we all went through it but I am comforted I am not alone! Yes his gaslighting was nonstop. I believed I was just forgetting stuff!
"I didn't realize your cancer (my 3rd diagnosis and metastatic) was serious. I thought you were a strong, independent woman and didn't know you needed emotional support." This was the ultimate invalidation when I needed support the most. And, then the hoovering while recovering from surgery was the ultimate slap in the face. I didn't realize I was dealing with someone with narcissistic traits, at the very best, until listening to your channel. Thank you for explaining the insanity to me.
I literally drop everything im doing when I get Dr. Ramani's notifications! I love this woman so much and what she does for us. I wish I could afford to been seen by her lol
Make sure you switch off ad block on her videos if you us it. She's giving many people invaluable advice free of charge. The only think you gotta do is apply it to your story.
Haven't you yet learned to use shame to control them? Watch the 24 hour news cycle and pay attention to the president of the US. Use shame like puppet strings to make a narc dance. It's dangerous tho.
@@cardinalflower6959 It is contagious you know. 17 years with one and no sign of change. You pick up survival techniques. Also for the record, if I want your input I'll promote you.
When my son had respiratory arrest then 2weeks in a special isolation unit suffering from meningitis, I found later that my husband was telling my friends that the baby was fine but I was just worrying. So my friends didn’t reach out to me. It was hell. I knew I didn’t have a husband from that moment on. So leaving him the next year was an easy decision.
Bingo. This was the issue that caused my awakening. After supporting my husbands every whim for 30 years. He developed a distain for any input or suggestion I put forward. Friends and family waited for me to see the futility. Now I've rediscovered my true worth. Thanks to videos like this. I want you to know they have been a my life raft on my new journey to thrive in my truth.
I got to the point where I even gave him permission to brush my input and ideas aside. Whoa. A short time later my eyes were finally opened. All total 24 years.
I'm glad you pointed out the even people who aren't narcissists do this sometimes. 😬 I will definitely be more conscientious of this with my son and my students. 💖
Wim Harleev I think I might personally ask them why something is a big issue to them and work from there to help them out. Usually when I then ask questions that make them think instead of just react, they realize they have been acting up and then calm down. But sometimes I get impatient and tell them they’re irrational which isn’t the way to go. I’m sure that there were times when someone has told you that and it doesn’t feel good regardless of whether you were being irrational or not.
I just heard a popular radio host say “you know who doesn’t get a vote about their feeling? My kids...we have a 40 year plan for them.” And I felt the need to mention that what they were doing was invalidation and was emotional abuse.
In 10-20 years, the host is going to be like: Now why do my children never call me? What did I possibly do to deserve this treatment? They are so selfish and spoiled!
@@addhoc256 Sometimes a joke is just plain bad, and more represents what a person truly believes. You can normally tell the person's true colors with their "jokes".
When I would tell him that he hurt my feelings he would say "Maybe you should ask yourself what you did that caused me to say/do that". When I said "you know that that is what an abuse says", and he replied with "Well, you should take responsibility for your own behavior instead of blaming others for your feelings". So, from then on when I was hurt it was because I caused him to hurt me and it taught me to be hyper vigilant with how I responded to him because it would all end up my fault. It felt like "why you hitting yourself? why you hitting yourself?" So clear to see now through these videos. Thank you so much for helping me clear my head and let go of so much guilt and pain.
Juli the same thing happened to me and all the gaslighting had me so confused causing my self esteem to plummet. Makes sense now as this is how my mum treated me. I wasn’t allowed to have any emotion that wasn’t positive. Going forward I am very careful with who I get involved with now.
Juli “I’m so sorry it’s just that you KNOW I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t make me so angry, so if you see I’m getting upset, what you should do is...” OH HONEY IM GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. 😂 When my narc “apologized” to try to win me back after [A] he gave me the silent treatment for a week , [B] I said we were done, [C] he raged in my face for daring to say such a thing, and [D] I got him to admit that I meant nothing to him and “why are you talking about you when you should be talking about me?!” (direct quote!!! 🤣), he told me it was all my fault in the sweetest voice he could muster. Yeah... NO. Clarity is an amazing thing.
He would literally say its your fault. You provoked me to drink you provoked me to hit you. He would say I am fresh and I deserved to be punished he would make fun of my diabetes and my anxiety and tell me to go eat my salad or go take my pill. It was horrible. I always felt like everything was my fault. I cried EVERY weekend when he would leave to go out. I started saying I know you are going out so have fun! And I started setting myself up to leave long before. I knew that I had to separate my money from his and that I needed a witness to the abuse so I got my mom to stay over and he was raging that night and got arrested so I didn't have to do much except not feel bad for him going to jail! I stoppped feeling bad for him and I also made a list of all the shit he did to me and re read it and realized that it was real and it wasn't me that it wasn't MY FAULT and honestly I had to accept that it was never love. I was codependent. I didn't want to be abandoned so i kept him in my life. It was never love and he will not doesn't want to and will never CHANGE. I had an Aaaahaaa moment when Dave said that in order to change they must have empathy and recognize what they have done to change. I tested this with the x. I kept trying to convince him that he was wrong and needed to change and he kept giving it to me. I was exhausted completely when I finally realized I tried everything and nothing worked. I know there is so much suffering in trying to make someone love you. Hope this helps.
I understand what you mean. There was a time that my ex got upset about his ash tray not being by his bed. I had washed it and it was in the kitchen. He then yelled at me telling me to use my own ash tray and not his. Again his was washed I had not taken it. He was yelling and very rude. Then he threw my lamp and broke it up against the wall. I then told him to get off his big butt and get it himself. I mean really yelling and demanding me not to use his when I told him to was washed and I didn't have it, then throwing my stuff breaking it. Yeah that's how an adult behaves and sure that should get a person running to you back and call acting like an ass right? No maybe someone who is afraid and ready to jump when you say how high. He walked out the house that night mad he was also sick not feeling well. Sadly his flying monkeys got into our personal affairs because they are miserable people who get into other folks bussiness and believe it's there job to slander, attack or back up toxic behavior. All through the night I was called a hoe by these toxic meddling ass people. Have you ever came across some flying monkeys who ate toxic in other people's affairs and make matters worse and believe in their sick head thay their behavior which is bad and toxic is going to bring about some good or help a situation? Sadly I be force to deal with such people. I'm no longer in that relationship anymore and looking forward to improving my life on so many levels. I don't walk on eggshells and I refuse to allow another human being control me overstep my personal and private boundaries and I will not apologize for refusing to accept anything that I know darn well I don't deserve. Narcissist love to punish, attack, blame and demand as well as twist things ke you believe you ask or deserved the abuse they are dissing out. They are always right and you are wrong. They sabotage people's mind, homes and even personal private relationships. Trust me alot is wrong with a person who does these things not you. I remember at one time a person who was mistreating me talking down to me would justify his abuse by calling it tough love. Slandering a person, mistreating a person and even trying to control or run a person as if they are you puppet is far from love baby. Toxic is toxic free yourself toxic people love to use abuse and slander to try to get you to do what they feel is pleasing and acceptable on there eyes. Again all the signs of a Narc and a controlling immature unhealthy person. Its them not you trust me.
The final time I ever attempted to share anything of substance with my father was shortly after my divorce when I was in my late 30s. I told him I was having a really hard time adjusting emotionally to the separation. He sneered back "stop acting like such a woman". I said nothing back and simply walked out of the room. I'm now in my 60s and he is long dead. It took me years to understand that his lifelong pattern of invalidation was his issue, and not about me.
Thank you for this. I worked it out in my head as being denied a sense of self. I am 55 and only just allowing myself to be me, I'm still discovering who me is.
When I told this person that she had shamed me and hurt me she said "I'm going to try to let this go. I have too many other huge things to focus on right now. I hope you can get past this." Unbelievable!!!! I need to protect myself from this invalidation and dismissal.
Thats a narcissist right there. If they hurt you, they know and they dont care and act like they are better than you with this many other things to focus on when really they are focusing on the next person to hurt
So true, some who end relationships with narcs often get into a new one with another narc. I've heard cases where the victim's current narc boyfriend would interact with their ex narc boyfriends
@@dontbelongherefromanother my narc ex actively sought out everyone new i dated -- even once -- to tell them how horrid i was (he knew i dated because tge kids would say i went out). If tgat didnt work then when i broke it off with them later he woukd actually look them up and offer to testify if they wanted to sue me.
My growing up was taking care of siblings, household chores and comforting both my emotional mother & npd father.Then, when I needed comfort, "what's wrong?" no support. If i told mother i was depressed, she made me feel worse. My siblings did not talk to me if i had tears- no crying allowed. I got the label as "the emotional one" and yet, I was taking on the world and not getting my emotional needs met. I struggled with an eating disorder, depression and then, cosmetic surgery. My parents died, and siblings scapegoat me one last horrific episode. But finally, I can say, no more eating disorder, working on emotional sobriety, self love, sleep is okay. It is a day by day process. I actually feel some peace but had to sacrifice leaving my family. I am alone, I'l always remember the hurt. But, I am slowly healing.
you won't be alone for ever. You will have a new family, a loving one and receive the emotional support you always deserved. I for one commend you for the sacrifice you made taking care of your younger siblings and emotionally impotent parents. The best is ahead of you.
I’m so sorry this was your experience. I can relate to this family dynamic, essentially I was the eldest and the only girl so I too took on the role of being the carer, looking after everyone else’s emotional needs whilst having mine ignored and dismissed and ridiculed. and watching my mother be subject to the horrible cycles of the relationship she felt stuck in, rendering her unable to notice or listen to my pain, and inadvertently making me feel worse. Left me with mental health issues, no self esteem and no ability to take care of my own basic needs. We were so robbed of so much, but I’m happy for you that you are on your healing journey. I’m 28 now and FINALLY about to move out of this mad house and begin my own life in earnest and I can’t wait to really get moving on my own healing. I hope you continue to get better and find your true peace ☺️
@@elmondo-s1e You are on the right path. Stay true to yourself. Listen to your needs. Take time to know about you. Sending love, peace and joy. Thank you for sharing!
I also left my family. My situation was similar to yours, except my mother was away having complicated hip surgeries. When she was there she tended to efface herself, while I was left to clean after my dad and 3 older brothers. Puberty was hard, i relied on a friend to teach me everything. I also had untreated ADHD and I was forced to start working at age 11-12. I take antidepressants to numb the emotional pain enough to function.
I am having difficulty putting into words how much watching these videos have meant to me. Just know that the mere validation(s) that I’m not alone and that these experiences are real and often have names and ways to handle or deal is mind blowing and a complete game changer! It’s only been a week so far that I’ve started watching. Already, I’m experiencing a “lighter load”, smiling more... Thank you, Dr. Ramani!! Your time, effort, information, etc. has and continues to help my life (inside and out) tremendously!!!
Consistent invalidation leads directly to low self esteem. My anxiety has been increasing again since my mom’s been visiting for a 2 week quarantine. My moms invalidation is subtle enough to get easily “absorbed,” and you can’t call it out, either. I actually feel like a nervous 5 year old again. She’s leaving in 2 days 💕
My mom was nasty to me and my kids when I was out 33 and I told her on the phone that if she didn't have anything nice to say to me or my kids and she was just going to be nasty and critical, she could stay the hell away from me and the house and my kids! I meant it even though I didn't want it to sound nasty or disrespectful.. I just had to put my foot down. Good grief I didn't want to hurt my mother but I have been hurt and the kids had been hurt.. I was thirty-three years old and I've been hurt by this crap off and on from her since I was 7 years old. Done!
My ex kept saying, "That is your perception.", to almost every feeling I shared. I even told the marriage counselor he said that, and she sided with him and said, "well everyone has their own perception." When I told her that was the way he invalidated me, she just looked at me blankly. A total waste of time and money.
It’s so hard to find a good knowledgeable counselor nowadays because they just get this degree and dont know what else to do and tell you what you want to hear because they are getting paid, not actually listen to you and give you the good advice for you as a person or as a whole in a relationship.
I explained to my 'friend' a bit about my 4 decades long struggle with and recovery from depression. She said 'I don't believe you!!' I was Gobsmacked!!!! And knew right then who she was.
The worst is when your happiness or sense of humour or courage towards self-esteem is invalidated... then you start feeling guilty for being happy or feeling good about yourself for things that you actually earned or learned
My parents specifically targeted my interests and spoiled them for me as often as they could. This didn't stop until I was 12 and I went from the Golden Goat to just the regular Scapegoat after my mood collapsed. A child who is bedridden with depression is not a threat I suppose.
I know, people who invalidate, often invalidate both your virtues and your negative experiences. When you're making progress and you're productive, happy, inspired, hopeful, peaceful: they're against you, and want you to feel bad. When you're setting boundaries, they're calling you delusional, overly sensitive, negative, weak, unspiritual. When you're feeling bad, you're a burden, negative, needing to start taking responsibility for your emotions, annoying etc.
@@Babesinthewood97 Some people absolutely cannot stand if you are feeling well and have to sour that. However, being full of self-loathing, they cannot stand it if you are feeling bad, because that is inevitably reminding them of their own inadequacies and sense of shame. It's essentially a catch-22: No matter what's going on with you, it's never the right thing.
This is why I don't cry in front of my parents anymore (narcissistic mom and codependent dad). Thank you and thank you in advanced for kind comments! Stay strong also!
@@pegasus5148 Thanks, I wasn't expecting to get 2 comments, let alone one. Getting away is not possible right now, but I thank you for the advice. I'll try grey rocking instead.
This women is a life saver and an encyclopedia for explaining and surviving narcissism ❤️❤️ thank goodness for her words and wisdom they’ve saved me so many times
The part of this video about growing up with an invalidating parent was painful, and on point. My mother used invalidation as a tool to enforce conformity and control, and to avoid being inconvenienced by having to deal with her children's messy emotions.
Bruuuh mine too. She always did this with my sister and I. But my three brothers she gave them whatever they wanted. Now we're grown and she wonders why my sister and I choose to live in different states and never visit her lol
They can invalidate people by pretending they can't understand what you are saying. They say what did you say while rolling their eyes. Or They love drama and making jokes at people's expense in front of people and laugh proudly. They are so smug . They even talk right in your face or talk down to you while kneeling down. They might tell someone to ignore people and not listen to them. Or tell people I don't care when you have a problem. Or tell people to shut up. They make it all about them and use drama and like laughing at people to humiliate people. That's how I have been treated loads of time.
Marie Williams so true! I was told numerous times that I was not being heard or understood, or words being put in my mouth. Word salad, gaslighting, invalidation, deflection, projection. A whole F...arsenal of Narc weapons to attack us sometime just because it is entertainment to them...
It has taken me 75 years to figure this out. Being 9th of 13, I was understandably ignored and often invalidated. This has been the pattern I've accepted until now. I've been the one who listens, cares and actively helps while my own needs are ignored. When not one of my forever needy and falsely fawning family or friends made any effort to make my birthday special, that did it for me. Sigh, breathe, repeat. Thankyou Dr. R. 😘
I’ve also seen it theorized that Narcissists invalidate others’ emotions because they cannot tolerate anyone around them having a response different to that of the Narcissist. If the Narcissist isn’t experiencing it, it shouldn’t be experienced.
This actually ties in incredibly well with what my mother said to me the last time we spoke after she and my sister spent a week invalidating my partner and I about his grandmother (mine for the last 3 years) passed away. "I've never heard of this woman ((she had, many times)). Who even was she to you? Your boyfriends nan? She was old anyway. You should have been expecting it." 🙄
For me the invalidation was most dangerous when I was already enduring a loss or vulnerability. I know this because I was capable of handling criticism; until, I had lost my original belief of self. I have experience confidence, self esteem, success. I have been completely beat down by abuse. Abuse is like a highly toxic poison, deadly. I am in recovery stages, healing one day at a time. I will come out stronger. You will too.
What they are doing with invalidation is telling you that they don’t care about you, that they are tired of listening to you, that their feelings are so much more important, that they don’t believe you or in you, it is utterly dismissive. I used to listen to it but now it infuriates me to the point that I refuse to have contact with people who do not care about me.
Yeah my mother in law heard that I was learning Greek through my husband (my mum is Greek Cypriot and my mother in law doesn't like that I don't have the same origin as her and everyone else in her family) so she went off on saying that back in her day the housewife would cook, clean and have kids (I don't have kids yet) and she also complained that I'm learning Greek and not her language... Blah blah blah 🙄. I told my husband to not share things about me in the future because he can never expect a positive response from it
Don’t tell them what you’re doing,just keep doing it! That’s a jealous response, you probably never thought about it that way and you won’t! Make a life plan and don’t tell them, why because they will never be proud of you, they have insecurities within themselves
"In that way, invalidation is a thief, and it is a weapon of the insecure. They use it to create conformity and allow them to not have to experience the threat of there being other ways for things to be." Such strong and impactful words - this hits so close to home for me. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
Watching this right in front of him....... he’s so uncomfortable that he squirmed in his seat and got up and left lol 😂....... I am stuck until the lockdown is lifted or until I can get to my moms. This is my house, yet he refuses to leave.
Laurence Boischot Thankyou! LoL, I don’t know if I would call myself brave LoL, I was just really uncomfortable and mad that day! I would never recommend calling out a person with narcissistic traits in that way, it’s not the safest thing to do! Better to just quietly slip away when it’s safe and FINALLY say “Good Riddance!!!” 😁 and “yay, I’m free!” lol!
Holly Varner you're quite right. I do hope you're safe, and able to make your escape soon. I didn't know much at all about narcissism when I left my ex. The most outrageous behaviours started after I left. I ended up going to the police to report his stalking, and after they called him in to gave him an informal warning... he joined the triathlon club where I was training, showing up to the same swim sessions... Totally sane behaviour, right? I didn't quit. He gave up swimming.
What event? Damn... your becoming kinda crazy... idk what your even talking about? What’s next I tin foil hat??? Here let me make you one... For sure. That’s the high quality shit kicking gas lighting for sure. Keep up your good work, step by step... your confidence grows like a tree.
@Ms. BuschhornSpoke too soon. He tried to hoover today after 30 day NC with an anonymous #, I answered and ignored him as he kept saying hello hello hello & finally hung up. He wanted his fix & I wasn't going to give it to him. Hope you are going to go thru with it. It is the most freeing feeling after realizing they just want to hurt you.
The majority of my life I have been surrounded by people telling me to "get over it", "you need to be more grateful", "it could always be worse" and so on. I felt like I had no right to feel anything. I was broken and couldn't think like other people so I must be crazy. After decades of mental abuse, physical abuse, an assortment of traumas and surgeries I developed cPTSD. I went through EMDR last year and things are starting to click into place finally. However it has been SO hard going back through all of the old feelings I had to bury and deny in order to process them. It was like trying to untangle a huge ball of yarn trying to get back in touch with my emotions and feeling like I mattered enough to sort through it all in order to heal. I knew I was overreacting to things but I would have to stop and trace it back to something in the past to figure out WHY. Thank you for helping so many people (myself included) to make sense of the things that happened to them and to know that they are not alone.
This brought back a lot of memories. It wasn't until I joined the army that I really realized how different I was from people who had normal childhoods. My parents were both very screwed up and had us totally isolated from the main stream of society. When I got out of the army I went home and one day my mother was going on and on about all sorts of petty bs that I was supposed to go along with and have sympathy and support for her. I started telling her about some of my military experiences that she knew that she and my father had done nothing to prepare me for. I told her that I was threatened with violence on a daily basis and she just dismissed everything I had been through by saying you have to do that with a higher moral commitment. What does that even mean? Not only were my experiences not valid she wouldn't even listen to me but I was supposed to listen to her for as long as she felt like talking. Back then I hadn't done any reading and I didn't know fancy words like narcissistic but I knew truth and respect and that I wasn't getting those things.
Oh,oh,oh that's why I self-doubt... and proving my point in the other extreme... allowing invalidation is self-betrayal...:( I never do that again ever.
My experience was so bad in my last relationship that when I ended up living in a tent mourning a good portion of my family and the loss of the relationship... I was so much happier.
Oh... that really hits the point. When my child was about 20 months and in a pool with her 11yo cousin, my ex husband's family saw me as an anxious mother for worrying... I didn't think it was the 11y old's job to keep the toddler safe...
invalidation was a big part of my childhood and teen years. how to recover from this? i never got the chance to develop self-confidence. i just began my path to self-love at the age of 27 because it took me years to realize what was ''wrong with me''.
If you are able to find a therapist or join a support group...either or both help(s) tremendously. Nothing is wrong but RIGHT with you. It takes time to undo all the negative things you've experienced.
There is an instagram account called "the holistic psychologist" she gives great tools for that. If you felt unvalidated you need to validate your own feelings and reality, you don't need someone to acknowledge it your feelings are real and it's ok to feel angry, sad, disrespected, happy or whatever, I find the more you accept your feelings without shuting them or act on it the better you feel. Of course of someone can listen to you without judgement it's helpful too but you just need your own validation.
I was just talking about how sitting in your feelings is totally ok with a friend a couple nights ago. We connected instantly bc she married to a narcissist also. She was taking about not wanting to come to things bc she was sad and I said you can totally come and be sad, that's perfectly ok! I do this with my kid too. My response is I'm sorry this happened I'm sorry you are feeling this way. And I say we can work through it. Not that they shouldn't feel it, not that it's all okay. 💜 Your videos are so helpful and affirming. Thank you so much for you content and work
I experienced so much invalidation and gaslighting in a toxic relationship with someone I thought was a friend. This episode brought me so much clarity about what was going on.
BBB; the main goal of a therapist is to teach you to think for yourself. If you were abused by a narc, you have issues with boundaries and self-worth. This is because the goal of the narcissist is basically to destroy you. Narcissus love to divide and conquer people. It makes them feel superior. Learn to set firm boundaries for yourself. Work on your self-esteem. Cut out negative people. Avoid people pleasing and learn to value yourself. Get in touch with things that make you happy. Grey Rock the narcs by not reacting when they try to provoke you. Be stoic around them. Document things if necessary. Remember, they have the issues, not you! Abuse is never okay. Put your needs first! Take care of you. No arguing, defending or reasoning with the narcs. Move forward in silence and ignore any smear campaign. Give others courtesy, but do not tolerate disrespect. Narcs look for those with weak boundaries to prey on. Trust your gut and drop those that don't support your values. Good Luck!
Thank you, thank you….at 66 years old I am finally coming to grips why I am a magnet with narcissistic men. The whole invalidation that usually proceeds as the relationship advances is like a video of my experiences. I just escaped moving in with another narcissist because I FINALLY listened to my gut instead of doubting myself and the red flags that ensued through the beginning of the relationship. Your “love bombing” information from a previous TH-cam was a PICTURE of what he said to me. Thank you, I hope to be able to change and be aware of when I’m presented with another narcissist. Keep the TH-cam presentation coming!!!!
Finally! Someone defines these various forms of invalidation. Especially the “ you shouldn’t feel bad because you have it better than ( another person). It’s the gratitude -gaslight tactic ...”don’t feel badly that you don’t have shoes, be glad you you have feet”( because someone else doesn’t) It’s not only invalidating it’s guilting and shaming. It’s denying someone his right to grief, anger, sorrow. I wish we could stop labeling those emotions as “ negative”. That in itself gives them a bad connotation, one to be “corrected”. Thank you so much for this video. It’s a gem.
I felt a great sense of relief when my mom passed away in my adult years. I could not share this with anyone I felt so guilty. I could never figure out why she had made such a wonderful grandmother. So I always believed it must have been me.
I have felt like this for years --- life will be so much easier when she is gone --- honestly, it is so sad that someone didn't reach their fullest potential in this life they were given --- It's nice to know I am not the only one or insane for feeling exhausted by everyone's adoration for her. It is lonely.
It wasn't you! They especially like to play super grandma in front of you to rub it in, and to get their grandchildrens' approval! I cant listen when people made comments about how "cute" my narc-mom is when she was so vindictive, psychologically disturbed, demonically possessed, underhanded, vile, sneaky, pernicious, and full of vice! She was just an excellent actress, and everyone fell for it! But toward the end, others in the family could sense there were something seriously wrong with her, but they still enabled her. Not a healthy, functional, fair or honest, authentic, loving, mature family! - Not mine! Clueless! I only accept Christian, loving, authentic relationships in a family! Otherwise, that"s simply NOT family! - I just don't accept that, and indeed, neverdid! That is NOT what God accepts as being part OF HIS Family!THAT'S the Family I Belong to! And THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, ULTIMATELY if they refuse to repent! Over & Out! +Q-S/
I experience every single one of these with my husband! He calls me names, criticizes everything I do! Be littles, condescending comments almost every day of my life! Working on NO contact and getting out! This channel has been a God send! Thanks so much!
Or, Don't be so sensitive! Or, Oh shut up, stop grizzling. Or, Shut up, or I'll give you something to cry FOR. Or, Christ! You're such a MISERY. I could go on. I'm sure you know it all anyway.
I'd stay awake all night rubbing his head when he had a toothache, but when I was crying over a pet that had passed away, I'd get a quick hug and a "Sorry baby" in an infantile voice.
@Siobhan Fogarty It's a bit more complicated than "volunteered" as everything is when you're with a narcissist. I was raised by a self-sacrificing, martyr of a mother so people-pleasing is in my blood (perfect target for narcs) - taking care of someone I love by holding them when they're in horrible pain is just something I do. The problem is narcs take it for granted, they misuse and abuse it, and start to expect it without fail. If you don't keep it up, they berate you and interrogate you because they think something's wrong and their alarm goes off. Anyway, long story short, people like me who are serial people-pleasers and way too caring get walked all over by narcs.
My ex was a narcissist magnet. He had to attend a medical congress over the weekend (Friday to Sunday), which was so important, that he had to leave his old dog with his (narcissistic) father and couldn't be home before Sunday evening. His dog had been very sick for two weeks and had stopped eating on Wednesday. My ex took him to the vet, who told him to just wait and try out special kibble... He was afraid his dog would die while he was at work that weekend, and that's exactly what happened. On Friday evening his father called and told him. My ex was devastated. This was the worst case scenario - he knew, that his father wouldn't keep the dog's body stored somewhere until he came back, but dump it or have it cremated, so he wouldn't be able to see it again. He couldn't just jump into his car and drive home. On the verge of an emotional breakdown he called his then (narcissistic) girlfriend, who lived in a different city, and immediately told her what had happened. Her answer? - "Look, I don't want this negativity in my life. If you're in for some dirty talk, great! Otherwise mind your own business and call me when you're back to normal." She wouldn't even let him say more than 3 sentences before she hung up on him. He told me about his dog early on in the relationship and explained how much it had hurt him - not only that his old buddy was gone and he hadn't been able to say goodbye, but most of all his then girlfriend's reaction. What pissed me off most was his father's reaction. I asked him, "Do you realise, that your father didn't have to call you? He knew you were at work, he knew it was a very important congress and there was no way you could have come home before Sunday. He called you on Friday, when you were in your crappy hotel bed, because he wanted you to suffer for days!" In my opinion, the decent thing to do would have been to tell him on Sunday evening, when he came to pick up the dog. It was November, it was cold outside. His father could have stored the body away in the garage in some box and shown it to him. There was no need to ruin the weekend for him. His father knew he wouldn't sleep after that and would only count the minutes until he could leave, which wouldn't win him any brownie points with his boss. Yes, sure, his ex girlfriend was a c**t. One of the few women I've ever met, who I can honestly say deserved to be beaten and ass-kicked on a daily basis. I've never wanted to slap anyone that badly. But he knew this about her, he knew how cold and bitchy and uncaring she was. He even mentioned, that before he dialed her number that Friday evening, it occurred to him, that she most likely wouldn't be supportive in any way. He also knew his dog wasn't safe with his father. I still think, that this man did something to the dog. Maybe poison him or take him to the vet to have him euthanised as soon as his son had left, because he didn't want to look after an elderly, sickly dog for 3 days, but didn't dare to say no to his son.
I just realized that the invalidation sometimes went as far as gaslighting. I don’t know if he was a narcissist or not but this was my dealbreaker. You are describing to a T how it affected me. My dad was a benign narc so this is a familiar feeling.. In romantic relationships I keep finding different versions of the same thing, sticking around/being in denial until I am a total mess… I am proud of myself for getting out of this relationship, but reflecting back, I could have decided sooner this was a dealbreaker. These videos are helping me feel validated again!
This is why I never liked the popular saying, "Bloom where you're planted", because it doesn't take into consideration what about if you are living on a mountain of manure! Also, forcing forgiveness is invalidating and condoning acts and I love how Dr. R. talks about forgiveness on a MedCircle interview! Thank you!
This is one of my favorite videos she's ever done. The whole thing resonates. I have experienced everything she describes, sometimes from both sides. I also love that in general she doesn't address her audience like we are her patients. She presents teh material as an educator
I'm listening to this in the middle of the night because I can't sleep from unresolved anger & resentment, not just my family, but others who were abusive and projected their "problems" onto me and my family. I'm not suicidal, but I have had enough. Thank you Dr Ramani. 💜 Stay well stay safe.
Crying infront of my father after my mum's behaviour pushed me to the edge. I was put in a really awkward position because I had all this horrible emotion that I needed to get out but at the same time it could be construed that I wanted my dad to take sides which wasn't it. I just needed a bit of truth. My absolute last resort was crying infront of my father and with a straight face, he just says. ''Your mum was upset that you picked up on her fault''....''you have to go and make your own life now'' ..... I mean what?? I was soooo confused, and hurt, by both my parents. And I'm an only child. So now... I really am going off and making my own life. I have learned my lesson that my parents aren't the best for my mental health.
This is so eye opening. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been told that I am just a crybaby and that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Every single video I have watched so far feels like you have been watching and listening to the last ten years of my life, you are spot on with what I've been dealing with. After ten years I don't even recognize myself, I'm trying to be strong for our daughter's sake, but it's so hard.
omg! So that's how I caused my sister's narcissistic injury and a scary narcissistic rage during which she said something she really won't otherwise say and woke me up to the fact that she is actually a narcissist. And thank you so much for putting this out. I'm definitely a fixer or the "cheer up" type of "friend". When I hear people complaining, the 1st thing I do is to jump into action to try to find a way to "resolve" their "issues" when in fact, the only thing they need is someone who listen and validate their feelings. I find that listening to people's pain is very uncomfortable, and also time consuming. I have to take notes on this one, and learn to bite my tongue next time this happens.
"The pain of other people is often experienced as a bit of an inconvenience by narcissists." I actually gasped.
I experienced this - over and over, but continued to stand up for myself, thinking they would ultimately care. I filed for divorce when I finally realized this was NEVER going to happen.
So if you have ever seen this movie the room , its a bad b movie , this guy shoots himself at the end and hisnfriends find him , one of the actors in the background at one point literally looks bored , when i saw that scene i busted up laughing well the whole movie lol but that scene also reminded me of that type of reactions from narcs , you could be bleeding in front of them and at best they might get a little nervous if that meanwhile.their thinking i want this to end so i can go diddle my fancies.
@Lexi 93 lol my bad , still worth the watch
When they are at the ones that caused the pain a lot of the time! Because they refuse to care
@@15gilsonrd I hear you! I did that too! But you finally come to the place of realizing they live on another planet
“I am not responsible for the way you feel”, “You are too sensitive and make a big deal out of nothing”, “You have no idea what you are talking about...”, “You ALWAYS overreact!”, “You have no sense of humor, I was just kidding...”
Have you been eavesdropping on my conversations? 🤣. Spot on!
Anca Marr YES, Yes, yes everything you typed! Right up to the point that your fear, belief, hunch, intuition or thoughts prove true. Then if you confront the narcissist you’ll be greeted with the blank stare, silence, no apology and no remorse. A day or two of the silent treatment to punish you for being right and everything will be back to normal like it never happened! Then the whole cycle begins again.
"Nothing you say matters" "no one cares what you have to say" "nothing you ever say makes any sense" "you're crazy and you just blab" " I can NEVER take anything you say seriously"
I'm literally one of the most well-spoken people I know 😔 I've written 10 page scientific papers, aced every college honors writing/English class, and was raised by a motivational speaker lol. I've been told by many people in my life I should look into becoming a lawyer. That's how good I am with speech and persuasion. If a narcissist isn't the devil, I don't know who is.
Kelsey Renee Odd how literally every other person you come in contact with has no problem understanding you or communicating in some form back to you except the narc. While not as pedigreed as you I am a educated white collar manager who addresses groups of people on a regular basis yet somehow the covert narc in my life never could communicate with me. Oh and she has an MBA lol
And, Scott P., those “steely”, dark eyes, with nothing behind them, emptiness, a cold cave, a dead soul...
My parents used to sing cheer up to mock me, I later found out I am autistic and was having meltdowns to ongoing abuse. Toxic positivity is more damaging than people give it credit for.
You are very correct. May your heart heal 💜
My heart goes out to you. I wish your parents could have take the time to understand you. Take care
This part. Toxic cheeriness was a big part of the narc abuse that permeates my life from my earliest memories. It is the reason why I have CPTSD and an autoimmune disease today. Now I’m 43 and a fledgling survivor. I am so sorry this happened to you too! 😢✊🏾
When I would break down and cry with my covert Narc ex husband, he would NEVER come to me and just hold me. He'd stare at me from across the room or ignore me in the car. I'd look out the window and try to silently cry because he'd actually get angry. Accuse me of being manipulative when in truth, my heart was breaking over and over 💔 14 years this went on.
*THIS* is invalidation abuse and also physical & emotional neglect.
Oh ya, no empathy, no comfort. I get that.
Absolutely same here.
My ex covert narc did the same thing to me. It’s like they all read the same manuscript
That's what my fiance is doing. He makes me feel like I'm a big baby when he was harsh with something he said and I'll just wanna talk. He gets angry and won't let me talk and then walks away from me. I never get hugs unless it's for a show for others it seems.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽
I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥
It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔
The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️
The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 🙏🏽
You CAN do it! 💜
Loss of Self:
*Our needs are rejected, so we deny them.
*Our desires are ignored, so we dismiss them.
*Our opinions are invalidated, so we discard them.
*Our values are dishonored, so we abandon them.
*Our words are twisted, so we remain silent.
*Our feelings are too painful, so we numb them.
Kay Douglas
Alma Varian Gould wow. That is excellent.❤️
Very excellent. Thank you.
Alma, this is exactly what I have done to myself... thank you for posting! Where can I read more about this? Who is Kay Douglas? UPDATE: Is this the book? Invisible Wounds: A Self-Help Guide for Women in Destructive Relationships [Douglas, Kay] on Amazon.
www.amazon.com/Invisible-Wounds-Self-Help-Destructive-Relationships/dp/0704344505
Love this, thanks for sharing.
Very good
I needed this video today. Being invalidated for years can really destroy your self confidence. It's like talking to a brick wall trying to discuss anything with a narc.
Yes and usually they recruit flying monkeys to invalidate you , sabotage you, etc.
Yep!
"You ALWAYS exaggerate everything." "You are too sensitive." "I didn’t say that." "You are over emotional." Resulting in constant self doubt, fear of saying anything. No more. I reject this narrative.
Come out of the past or forget d past Nd move on to deny their continual behaviour
I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells with him.
It was horrible
Statements when people who are not interested. They don't like you and so they take everything is an opportunity to abuse you 2nd hand. It would be better and good of them to just walk away and say they don't care
No kidding, fear of opening mouth even!. It will take years to realize , sometimes it too late!.
You just like to argue!!
I am a nurse and we learn early on to never say that “Everything will be okay.” Because sometimes things aren’t okay and do not end well. Instead I tell my patients that “I am here and I will take care of you.” I hope it helps them to know that they are not alone.
Amy, thanks for being a nurse 💐
Amy D - Well said!
Wow, that is so much easier to say and understand since anytime ive ever said everything is going to be ok... Id deep down feel unsettled because as u said... You honestly have no way of really knowing... I will be here for you ... However. . Much more personal and means personally so much more. Thank~You.
Amy D wow this is so powerful.
Nice. I've raised up 4 kids by myself. Learned to give up everything I've ever wanted or dreamed of trying to help them be successful. My kids ❤ don't give a dang about me. Lol. My son moved me into a big house with him and his covert narc. They have everything I own now....thier house is beautiful 😍 my sons girl completely ignores me walks into a different room when i walk in ..... i am 😨 afraid.
thank you for calling toxic positivity what it is - invalidation!!
or telling you that your thoughts/feelings are ‘wrong’ or reprehensible.
Running on empty. Depleted reserves.. nothing left in your soul to fight. Exhaustion.
Total confusion....
For real x
Perfect Haiku!
It's unbelievable what they put you through, nobody could understand unless they've experienced it themselves. You're not alone and channels like this will pull you through it. It's one huge lesson in life I wished they'd taught us in school, but once you know what it is you are golden.
It takes a little while but you'll get there
Wendy Handley, lovely words! I’m finally on a new path after a devastating five years of realisation -gradually finding peace after eight months no contact. These times are especially testing to victims of this kind of abuse. Take care and keep safe.
Loss of self confidence and identity is what I suffered after years of invalidation. In order to survive narcissistic abuse, I convinced myself that I did not matter anymore. I stopped trusting my instincts, to the point where even natural reflexes were delayed. It got so bad, that even when I was ill, I did not seek medical help. When situation really called for it, I was unable to tell the Dr what was wrong. I believed I was not entitled to ‘feel’, so I did not deserve treatment. Invalidation extinguishes our sense of self.
My gosh, I hope you are doing better now. You have all my sympathy. It did happen to me as well but not to this degree. You are important, you matter. Please, trust yourself
Annarosa Girardini, thank you so much for your kind words❤️. Happy to tell you that I’m in a good place now. It was crippling, being trapped with a Narc husband in a foreign country for nearly 3 decades, with no support whatsoever. The discard came as a blessing in disguise. It forced me to seek answers and I found Dr Ramani’s videos😊
@@nelumbonucifera148 The consequence of what you described is completely evil in the sense that the invalidated person will not even feel worthy of acceptance by Jesus Christ and forgiveness of their own (real) sins. They feel unworthy to be loved in ANY ways and as a person created by God over time so they will even distrust their creators own word and loving mercy towards them. I very much hope your narc didn't kill that trust in God inside YOU. Psalm 27:10 / John 3:16 🙏
Corinna Schütt, he did try very hard to do exactly that. And failed miserably, by God’s grace🙏🏼. He deliberately made it difficult for me to practice my faith, though we shared the same religion. He even groomed our kids to ridicule me when I prayed. I held on to God with full faith. That’s the one thing I refused to let go. And it drove him nuts! Literally behaved like a possessed being. God saw me through the dark days and brought me to light. And here I am today, alive, to tell the story😊
Well said!
I literally had the biggest aha moment! Now I understand why I hold myself back from sharing thoughts or my point of view to my husband. I didn’t realize it was my defense against feeling invalidated for so long.
I feel you! It's terribly restricting!
Spend more time with friends and family who do validate you. He will start criticizing them to isolate you. Or even the dogs if you get validation from them - like my ex. Learn how to react and not engage and remember that THIS IS NOT YOU.
What if it’s your adult children?
@@dcalogerdon't indivisualise the tellings
I feel invalidated in my relationship BUT listening to this made me realised that I have also invalidated friends and family without understanding and certainly without wanting to do so . Thank you DR Ramani
Wow! I am so glad that you shared this with us. Sometimes we are so focused on trying to understand what happened to us, we miss what we may have done to others.
Thank you. I am sure that your comment will give us a lot to think about.
I find that when I am feeling most powerless and invalidated, I tend to allow the “crap” to roll downhill. You’re not alone
Ah, but you are aware of it (as opposed to narcissistically not noticing it in yourself). Just stay aware of it. You'll notice over time, by just being aware of it, those moments can turn into validating moments. And on top of that, you'll infect others with your validation techniques and your self confidence will soar. Kudos. And good luck to you.
Thank you. I wish I knew you. Not many people have that self-awareness.
It's so wonderful that you can be introspective and honest with yourself. It's the most powerful tool we have to build self worth imho.
Our culture is woven with invalidation EVERYWHERE. Makes sense why as adults a lot of us experience so much anxiety now.
can you give examples of where you notice this?
so true. it's very much culturally enforced. The person who questions below must be blind, it's in humor, and gaslighting is commonplace. People are insensitive as a defense mechanism to their own pain.
@@devidaughter7782 asking people to prove their case is actually invalidating. lol
@@inneralignmenteducation I wasn't being blind, it seemed to me that you were making a very important point and I was interested to hear more of your thoughts and reflections on where and how you observe this taking place around you/ in society at large.
@@devidaughter7782 it is insidious, very subtle, but invalidation is so real and we even do it when we aren't aware.. everyone, including myself. I did not mean to come off as harsh and apologize if I have. Sending love.
The Narcissist would express THEIR feelings for hours about what someone said or did to them. When I attempted to express my feelings, they became impatient, would interrupt and they actually said;
"I don't know why you let those things bother you!"
"If it was me, I wouldn't waste my time!"
Narcissists are HORRIBLE creatures!
Don't put horrible in quotes. They ARE horrible.
Yes, because most of our negative feelings usually involve interactions with them
You've hit the nail on the head. We have all said and done the wrong thing esp if we grew up with it. BUT if someone cometo me with their hurt feelings I will hold court for them, narcissistic people will just call us too sensitive and have zero patience for how we feel. Feelings unless it's theirs are irrelevant to them! It hit me a month ago How im constantly put down and now allowed to show feelings and definitely don't get validation unless it suits them yet when they need someone to validate theirs im the first person they come to! This time I didn't bother! ✌
Thats literally my mother
Yes I’ve experience the exact same thing with my covert/grandiose narcissist partner, it’s exhausting being around someone who constantly invalidates you yet expects you to give them endless supply of validation and love and empathy. Very one sided and toxic
In my religious circle, the response to any emotional discomfort or sadness is "Offer it up in prayer" and it makes me WANT. TO. SCREAM.
I TOTALLY understand! That is simply a comment from people who have no experience with what you're going thru. Now, don't get me wrong, God is the best! and He's healing me emotionally in huge ways ... but so often Christians have no clue what to say: because they don't know any better, since they've had no real experience with the Father!!!! and until we do, we have little to offer! just words or platitudes, like "offer it up in prayer". That is so unfortunate. And while it may be (semi)-true, its not what's needed at the time!!!
Jesus cared. He spoke kindly, and with understanding. And he wept...
Please don't think all -true- believers are this way - we are not! especially those of us who've walked thru messes like this and come out better the other side! Bless your heart, dear.
My husband puts all the pressure of forgiveness and reconciliation onto me in regards to his mother because in his words "You're the Christian and should set the example for her." She's a devout Catholic and is 32 years older then me. The only lesson I taught her (by listening to my husband against my better judgment) is what a rug I am for her to wipe her feet on. I finally have to realize forgiveness is not reconciliation. I'm embarrassed at how stupid I looked letting one person subject me to lower my standard of respect and integrity by using Bible verses out of context. This happened innumerable times so I also looked unstable by going back and forth. If it was all up to me I never would have been available to play a cat and mouse game or be a source of gossip and drama. The constant friction and stress caused depression, weight gain, loss of enjoyment in life. Religious people are the ones who crucified Jesus.
@@michellebehr7669 I am so sorry that that has happened to you. It's so insulting, isn't it.
@@thatsfunny2051Yes! All in the hopes of securing the loyalty of my husband and attempting to please him. My husband can't see why I'm "too sensitive" or "delicate". He'll make comments like "Well, I guess you can't forgive then." 20 years of wasted effort for both of them.
@@michellebehr7669 Are you by any chance an INFJ?
"Invalidation is a weapon if the insecure." 👌🤯
🤯🤯🤯🤯!!! Ironically this is very validating
When you're constantly invalidated as a child, if you look back at your upbringing, you can kind of understand why you don't trust your own judgement, think you're stupid, etc....It takes self reflection, care and mindfulness to realize your true value.
Lack of confidence is soul-crushing, but most of it can be traced back to a toxic home environment.
So true, then they can criticise you for lack of confidence that they caused!
Whats weird is how deep those feelings can go. Even after some therapy and a decade of functioning my family's invalidation was able to worm its way into my head. I began to doubt things that I knew were true from experience. I was not prepared for that.
Yes and if you stay in contact with your family they will continue the abuse.
@@bereal6590 that's their whole game. The devil always uses the same tricks.
This is where the majority of my issues came from.
I'm literally in tears listening to this. I'm realizing how much blame I have been living with my entire life.
I'm sorry, you deserve better.
Me too 😭😭 I’m just now realizing I’ve been gaslit my whole life. I’m 26
Use your voice. If they get mad it's their problem, not yours. Although, there is a term, "velvet hammer". In otherworldly, speak honesty but not in anger. Be well
I hope you feeling better. This is a difficult thing to realize. You are worthy of being heard. You are not to blame for the toxic relationship.
I know a year has passed but I wanted to say how much I relate to your reaction, I had also cried and was shocked when I first realized ... I hope you're in a much better situation now
Sounds like my family telling me "don't cry" every time I start crying. I need to cry. Let me cry.
Sandy Bravo I totally agree about needing to cry, as tears are for healing after all! I used to get told not to do it, then ended up in a really bad way. I managed to learn to cry properly, which is one of the best things I've ever done. I have no desire to drink, or to partake in other drugs, or to smoke anymore, or even to see narcissistic ex-partners again, because I can feel the pain instead nowadays. I hope you're okay and will be able to get away from your invalidating family members eventually, if you haven't already. ❤
I'm sorry they told you that. That way of dismissing your feelings must have given you even more sadness and frustration.
Well said.!!!!
If you look at it in reverse; maybe they have used this tactic in the past on other people and assume you are also doing it on them, and they are thinking ; (subconsciously); ‘they’re not real….I’m not falling for that trick.’
He who smelt it dealt it. Your comment is abusive. You're. They are standing in front of a person in the present moment. That person has a situation as an expressing herself which has a right to do She will effectively tell them if she wants care are interests from them and if they don't want to give it then they can just leave. There's no excuse for that
You can't make up excuses and blame people for the other people's behavior
I’ve been invalidated my entire life and it still continues to happen. It’s crazy how dehumanizing a person can be, especially if it’s your own parents telling you,
“We’re doing this for your own good.” Trust your gut instinct.
Yes!! I have a friend who often says 'I love you' or 'you're like a little sister to me' but I never feel like returning the compliment or saying 'I love you too' It feels forced and my body tightens up...perhaps for good reason.
Because of my parents constant invalidation, I grew up to be an invisible woman. I always feel like a burden when I try to interact with people. I drew the attention of many narcs over the years because of my clear lack of boundaries.
You really do have to set a good firm amount of boundaries no matter who the person may be. You have to be strict with your boundaries and make sure people really stick to those boundaries, with no accept-ions.
I've developed a reflex to leaving situations that feel that way, regardless of intent. Do we ever recover from people like this who had power over our lives?
@@BaskingInObscurity Personally I don’t think one truly gets over it or fully recovers from it. It’s not impossible by any means, just takes some time cutting out all of the toxic people from our lives and always have to keep your eyes open. Always trust your gut instincts, your intuition, follow the path you wish to take in life, don’t look back, and most importantly, don’t forget to enjoy the ups and downs in life. Do what makes you happy and stay away from the negative people that try to tear down your happiness. And also try not to mistake the people giving you constructive criticism for negative people who try to bring you down. They really could be your friends and family trying their best to help you, give you advice, watch out, and care for you.
When I tried to tell my mom that I was bullied very badly in elementary school, she told me that I didn't understand what bullying was, and that what I experienced wasn't bad enough to be considered bullying. As an adult I always worry that I'm being overdramatic or making a big deal out of nothing. I have had to learn how to trust my own mind. It is excruciating to doubt your own reality.
I was bullied in junior high school but my parents were like oh? You got bullied at school? Well....they didn't do anything or talked to teacher. They thought it was nothing and will make me 'toughen up's or 'be tough'.
Yep. Never second guess y’self you have an instinct within for a purpose, don’t ever ignore it for the convention ‘without”
I wish I could offer you a hug in person. My mother invalidated physical, emotional, mental abuse and bullying in the home and severe bullying at school. And when I attempted suicide at age 26 after yrs of abusive relationships and all that trauma she had the audacity to ask me why!!! 🤷🏼♀️ Not, did they do anything, which would be my VERY 1st question if my son attempted suicide. Bc I would KNOW ABOUT IT AND I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT B4 IT HAPPENED BC THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS. You deserve better, darling. Let your friends become your family and relinquish any hope that they'll change. I have a beautiful but small number of people who I know I can rely on in any circumstance and they're what I consider my family. May you be blessed abundantly and heal those wounds 💓
In my experience narc moms are the worst because they make you doubt your self then everyone defends them saying," shes your mom, she loves you and wants the best for you"
Same here. As my mom said to me that it was my fault to get molested! Or denying my reality🙄😤😔
“This can lead to loss of creativity,authenticity, and courage” “Many of you reflect on an invalidation that happened in childhood that killed an interest” I finally know why I was depressed for so long I let those toxic people from childhood take away my voice.
the loss of the creativity and courage to make decisions is what I've experienced. I did not understand why it happened - such a loss - so sad... I'm fighting back on a daily basis... i need prayers!
Yes! This part of the video ripped through my heart and made my stomach bottom out. I am 35 and just finding a semblance of my voice! I never understood why I never completely succeeded at achieving my dreams!
IT IS A MAJOR CAUSE..OF DEPRESSION, MENTAL illness, & TRAUMA....ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAS ABUSERS AS PARENTS....AND THEY NEVER... TOOK ANY ACCOUNTABILITY AT ALL...FOR ALL THEIR ,ABUSE, NEGLECT, DRINKING OR DRUG USE, OR PARTYING.....DJ.DEB.USA SAYS JUNE 7,2021
@@argileaustralia3854 You got 'em!
Sending love 💕
I’ve learned when you think something feels off and you question it and a narc says, “ I wouldn’t worry about it.” Start worrying, because you have been smeared.
This. Im still trying to get comfortable using my voice and being comfortable with creativity. Thank you for speaking on invalidation.
Janay Henry keep going girl. I support you!
❤️
Invalidation just means that 2 people don't match. Of course a billionaire man wouldn't want to marry a fat, illiterate woman.
@@nina-mill hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Try The Artists Way, if you haven't. Tough but awesome.
Wow the part about bringing up things from the past to deflect really stuck out to me. Or when you bring up something and they “don’t remember” but they remember everything that you do.
Yes this is a go to of the narcs. He goes back 34 years to something I did in my younger somewhat carefree days. BUT he doesn't look at or acknowledges what he does in present time.
Or just use straight up denial.
"That never happened"
"I never did that"
The lies never end.
"You think too much"; "I'm just teasing you" - these are some of the invalidating remarks I got from my ex as a way to shut down anything he didn't want to hear.
Yep, these are good ones.
I used to get the "you are too sensitive." This was always after an insult to me and then I would stick up for myself (boundaries). Also the favorite from Dad was, "you're just like your mother." So true that constant invalidation in childhood leads to self doubt and low self worth. Learning at 48yo the man you loved with all your soul (father) was a lying piece of garbage and did his best to sabotage any and every life goal of mine really sucked big time. I am trying to make piece with it and go no contract, but It hurts.
For God's sake, can't you take a JOKE?
@@amanitamuscaria7500 That's a favorite after any kind of personal attack. Gaslighting at its best.
Yes! My husband says both of these things. Or I will make a comment about the mess he's made or that his messes are driving me nuts and he'll just laugh! I have told him repeatedly how important it is to me to have a somewhat clean home and that it feels very disrespectful when I've just spent time cleaning a space and then he immediately makes a mess and leaves it. It's horrible the way he laughs at me when he knows it is a huge contributor to my depression.
"Feelings aren't sensible, but they're real." Yup.
I disagree, feeling are higher sensible since love is a sensible feeling. So is pulling your hand away from something painful or leaving someone who causes you pain. Id say thats awfully sensible IMO.... 🧩
If you believe feelings are insensible, id have to say your linguistic ability is kind of shallow and therefore partially Narcissistic. No offense but please use words properly according to etymological value or else people will misinterpret your message.
They are too, They are logical fuel and information. Very subjective personal information just for the person
I was 9 months into recovering from Lyme disease and I was still struggling physically and mentally. Living on a large rural property, I was concerned I might not be able to maintain the land anymore. I explained this to my wife. With no hesitation, she replied "well, then YOU will just have to go and live in a townhouse". WTF? Guess what? I left her just before the lock down and moved into...a townhouse. Now she has to do all the things I used to do that she never once showed appreciation for but would criticize me for not doing right. Well, I done right this time.
Sell the farm before it falls apart.
Good for u. Blessings on everything 🙏 🙌 CONGRATS.
Congratulations ‼️💯💯 I hope you’re feeling better & happier
That is awesome, you are my inspiration.
John Miller Congratulations! I hope you have the strength to stay away from her! Love and peace!
That key word hit me, "dimishment" . I felt as though I just disappeared into nothing...in therapy, when asked how a particular situation made me feel. The only word I could find was that I was just nothing. I felt like I was nothing. I believe my experiences with my cold, neglectful mother and later my husband kept me confused because it was really covert mind games that I couldn't explain or put voice to. I disappeared over the years. My mom and husband also would gang up on me together undermining me as a parent, make jokes at my expense that I didn't find funny. Diminished- says it all. Thank you! I needed that word.
Ong I'm so sorry you've gone through this! I'm afraid to get married for that very reason, fear that my husband would end up being a narcissist who will gang up on me with my narcissistic family. Truly I am deeply sorry you have been put through such a hellish nightmare and hope you are able to break free from these abusers 🙏 🌸
"That didn't really happen.... and if it did, it wasn't that big of a deal.... you're too sensitive."
Heard that many times......
Oh, so relatable. Try to share a feeling or bring up issue and it all gets shut down. “Why are you trying to start a fight?”. I’m not attempting to fight, I’m attempting to express my p.o.v.
Michelle Tokarz I’ve heard that a zillion times.
So very right! Something that happens to them is a way big deal.
@@TouchWoodProductions01 I heard that every time I tried to talk about my feelings in a calm way. He'd say "I really don't want to fight - do you want to fight?" in a combative tone and I'd just sit there, baffled, because I hadn't even raised my voice or made any kind of accusation. Just explained how I was feeling. It was incredibly frustrating. :(
I got chills. This really spoke to my heart. So many times my ex would corner me, then furiously criticize me out of now where, and make me feel valueless and then follow up with your exact words saying,”geez I can never talk to you about important stuff because you always cry.” I always thought I was the problem in being too sensitive. But now that I look back, He was being purposely cruel and manipulative and using my insecurities to mess with my head. Thank you for clarifying and giving a name to what I went through.
I feel the horror, and narcs are notorious for gaslighting, making their victims feel they are overly sensitive.
Ashley Allen same. Towards the end I was crying pretty much all the time. My ex even told me I was incapable of being happy and I started to believe him.
Don't Belong Here, From Another Planet ugh. My eyes are opening more every day. I’m freshly out of a 6.5 year relationship. We were engaged and he broke it off out of literally nowhere 2 months ago. Now I’m starting to see lies after lies. I see now I dodged a bullet. I’m sad we all went through it but I am comforted I am not alone! Yes his gaslighting was nonstop. I believed I was just forgetting stuff!
Adrienne Jensen I am so sorry that happened to you! No one should have to go through that. We just have to keep repeating “it isn’t us.”
Adrienne Jensen same mine would say I was “terrified” of having a relationship. I believed it ... turns out it was him I was terrified of.
"I didn't realize your cancer (my 3rd diagnosis and metastatic) was serious. I thought you were a strong, independent woman and didn't know you needed emotional support." This was the ultimate invalidation when I needed support the most. And, then the hoovering while recovering from surgery was the ultimate slap in the face. I didn't realize I was dealing with someone with narcissistic traits, at the very best, until listening to your channel. Thank you for explaining the insanity to me.
Hope you're doing great 💐
@@Z1nny Thank you so much. I am doing a thousand times better now that I am free! Hope you are aokay, too!
What the actual eff????
I literally drop everything im doing when I get Dr. Ramani's notifications!
I love this woman so much and what she does for us. I wish I could afford to been seen by her lol
Same here😊😊
Ditto:)
Absolutely! I have been helped so much by her work. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Same here!!!! Shes amazing and lovely!!
Make sure you switch off ad block on her videos if you us it. She's giving many people invaluable advice free of charge. The only think you gotta do is apply it to your story.
Please do a video on Shame. How the narcissist uses shame to control.
Haven't you yet learned to use shame to control them? Watch the 24 hour news cycle and pay attention to the president of the US. Use shame like puppet strings to make a narc dance. It's dangerous tho.
My narc mum was great at this!
@@MediaEnslavedNation "Haven't you yet learned to use shame to control them?" Now that's a narc comeback if I ever heard one.
@@cardinalflower6959 It is contagious you know. 17 years with one and no sign of change. You pick up survival techniques. Also for the record, if I want your input I'll promote you.
@@MediaEnslavedNation Thanks for proving my point. I rest my case.
When my son had respiratory arrest then 2weeks in a special isolation unit suffering from meningitis, I found later that my husband was telling my friends that the baby was fine but I was just worrying. So my friends didn’t reach out to me. It was hell. I knew I didn’t have a husband from that moment on. So leaving him the next year was an easy decision.
Bingo. This was the issue that caused my awakening. After supporting my husbands every whim for 30 years. He developed a distain for any input or suggestion I put forward. Friends and family waited for me to see the futility. Now I've rediscovered my true worth. Thanks to videos like this. I want you to know they have been a my life raft on my new journey to thrive in my truth.
Truth
Laura Hockton so true. I have no idea what I would’ve done without videos like this one. Honestly, I might still be stuck back there.
I got to the point where I even gave him permission to brush my input and ideas aside. Whoa. A short time later my eyes were finally opened. All total 24 years.
Did you leave your husband then?
@@Randulpheleven a year ago. I was stuck in the mindset that "this too shall pass" with every episode that continued the trauma.
I'm glad you pointed out the even people who aren't narcissists do this sometimes. 😬 I will definitely be more conscientious of this with my son and my students. 💖
I think we might all do this from time to time. I’m going to surely be more conscientious too but don’t feel too bad :)
This video was so helpful and comforting
Wim Harleev I think I might personally ask them why something is a big issue to them and work from there to help them out. Usually when I then ask questions that make them think instead of just react, they realize they have been acting up and then calm down. But sometimes I get impatient and tell them they’re irrational which isn’t the way to go. I’m sure that there were times when someone has told you that and it doesn’t feel good regardless of whether you were being irrational or not.
Dr. Ramani’s videos have prompted me to to , “do a thorough moral inventory” (AA) of the ways I have been selfish and self centered. Life is better !
@@danad3744 Right?!?! Me too..
I think one of the most painful experiences was trying to share my pain and being told “you need to take more meds” as if it wasn’t real.
Or, take a pill and go to bed. When all you needed is understanding and be seen
Suffering some heartbreak and instead of talking and listening to me: you should see a psychologist or a priest.
Yuuppp
You need to see a counsellor, is what I get!
him: "are you ok?"
I just heard a popular radio host say “you know who doesn’t get a vote about their feeling? My kids...we have a 40 year plan for them.” And I felt the need to mention that what they were doing was invalidation and was emotional abuse.
that host must be fun at parties. jfc
In 10-20 years, the host is going to be like:
Now why do my children never call me? What did I possibly do to deserve this treatment? They are so selfish and spoiled!
im sure that was a joke. right? 40 year plan?
@@addhoc256 Sometimes a joke is just plain bad, and more represents what a person truly believes. You can normally tell the person's true colors with their "jokes".
@@rommix0 yes true. i dont know the context like you do. How did they react when you said something about it?
When I would tell him that he hurt my feelings he would say "Maybe you should ask yourself what you did that caused me to say/do that". When I said "you know that that is what an abuse says", and he replied with "Well, you should take responsibility for your own behavior instead of blaming others for your feelings". So, from then on when I was hurt it was because I caused him to hurt me and it taught me to be hyper vigilant with how I responded to him because it would all end up my fault. It felt like "why you hitting yourself? why you hitting yourself?" So clear to see now through these videos. Thank you so much for helping me clear my head and let go of so much guilt and pain.
Juli the same thing happened to me and all the gaslighting had me so confused causing my self esteem to plummet. Makes sense now as this is how my mum treated me. I wasn’t allowed to have any emotion that wasn’t positive. Going forward I am very careful with who I get involved with now.
Juli “I’m so sorry it’s just that you KNOW I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t make me so angry, so if you see I’m getting upset, what you should do is...” OH HONEY IM GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. 😂 When my narc “apologized” to try to win me back after [A] he gave me the silent treatment for a week , [B] I said we were done, [C] he raged in my face for daring to say such a thing, and [D] I got him to admit that I meant nothing to him and “why are you talking about you when you should be talking about me?!” (direct quote!!! 🤣), he told me it was all my fault in the sweetest voice he could muster. Yeah... NO. Clarity is an amazing thing.
Yes!!!!
He would literally say its your fault. You provoked me to drink you provoked me to hit you. He would say I am fresh and I deserved to be punished he would make fun of my diabetes and my anxiety and tell me to go eat my salad or go take my pill. It was horrible. I always felt like everything was my fault. I cried EVERY weekend when he would leave to go out. I started saying I know you are going out so have fun! And I started setting myself up to leave long before. I knew that I had to separate my money from his and that I needed a witness to the abuse so I got my mom to stay over and he was raging that night and got arrested so I didn't have to do much except not feel bad for him going to jail! I stoppped feeling bad for him and I also made a list of all the shit he did to me and re read it and realized that it was real and it wasn't me that it wasn't MY FAULT and honestly I had to accept that it was never love. I was codependent. I didn't want to be abandoned so i kept him in my life. It was never love and he will not doesn't want to and will never CHANGE. I had an Aaaahaaa moment when Dave said that in order to change they must have empathy and recognize what they have done to change. I tested this with the x. I kept trying to convince him that he was wrong and needed to change and he kept giving it to me. I was exhausted completely when I finally realized I tried everything and nothing worked. I know there is so much suffering in trying to make someone love you. Hope this helps.
I understand what you mean. There was a time that my ex got upset about his ash tray not being by his bed. I had washed it and it was in the kitchen. He then yelled at me telling me to use my own ash tray and not his. Again his was washed I had not taken it. He was yelling and very rude. Then he threw my lamp and broke it up against the wall. I then told him to get off his big butt and get it himself. I mean really yelling and demanding me not to use his when I told him to was washed and I didn't have it, then throwing my stuff breaking it. Yeah that's how an adult behaves and sure that should get a person running to you back and call acting like an ass right? No maybe someone who is afraid and ready to jump when you say how high. He walked out the house that night mad he was also sick not feeling well. Sadly his flying monkeys got into our personal affairs because they are miserable people who get into other folks bussiness and believe it's there job to slander, attack or back up toxic behavior. All through the night I was called a hoe by these toxic meddling ass people. Have you ever came across some flying monkeys who ate toxic in other people's affairs and make matters worse and believe in their sick head thay their behavior which is bad and toxic is going to bring about some good or help a situation? Sadly I be force to deal with such people. I'm no longer in that relationship anymore and looking forward to improving my life on so many levels. I don't walk on eggshells and I refuse to allow another human being control me overstep my personal and private boundaries and I will not apologize for refusing to accept anything that I know darn well I don't deserve. Narcissist love to punish, attack, blame and demand as well as twist things ke you believe you ask or deserved the abuse they are dissing out. They are always right and you are wrong. They sabotage people's mind, homes and even personal private relationships. Trust me alot is wrong with a person who does these things not you. I remember at one time a person who was mistreating me talking down to me would justify his abuse by calling it tough love. Slandering a person, mistreating a person and even trying to control or run a person as if they are you puppet is far from love baby. Toxic is toxic free yourself toxic people love to use abuse and slander to try to get you to do what they feel is pleasing and acceptable on there eyes. Again all the signs of a Narc and a controlling immature unhealthy person. Its them not you trust me.
The final time I ever attempted to share anything of substance with my father was shortly after my divorce when I was in my late 30s. I told him I was having a really hard time adjusting emotionally to the separation. He sneered back "stop acting like such a woman". I said nothing back and simply walked out of the room. I'm now in my 60s and he is long dead. It took me years to understand that his lifelong pattern of invalidation was his issue, and not about me.
Thank you for this. I worked it out in my head as being denied a sense of self. I am 55 and only just allowing myself to be me, I'm still discovering who me is.
Well said.
You and me both Marie. Sending you much love.
When I told this person that she had shamed me and hurt me she said "I'm going to try to let this go. I have too many other huge things to focus on right now. I hope you can get past this." Unbelievable!!!! I need to protect myself from this invalidation and dismissal.
Thats a narcissist right there. If they hurt you, they know and they dont care and act like they are better than you with this many other things to focus on when really they are focusing on the next person to hurt
*she's* going to let it go? Lol she's not the one who was wronged. That's pathetic of them not to even offer a small apology.
The Lion, The Witch, And the Audacity of this Bitch
She dismissed you without a thought. Ouch.
Ugh! I'm so sorry she couldn't manage a genuine apology.
Me: I feel hurt when you do that.
Him: don’t you think I feel hurt? (Insert word salad)
People that are co-dependent or in abusive relationships need to learn how to validate themselves, regardless if other people to do.
So true, some who end relationships with narcs often get into a new one with another narc. I've heard cases where the victim's current narc boyfriend would interact with their ex narc boyfriends
@@dontbelongherefromanother Dangggg that sounds like a wild time
@@dontbelongherefromanother well if that doesn't sound like something straight from hell I don't know what does lol.
@@dontbelongherefromanother my narc ex actively sought out everyone new i dated -- even once -- to tell them how horrid i was (he knew i dated because tge kids would say i went out). If tgat didnt work then when i broke it off with them later he woukd actually look them up and offer to testify if they wanted to sue me.
My growing up was taking care of siblings, household chores and comforting both my emotional mother & npd father.Then, when I needed comfort, "what's wrong?" no support. If i told mother i was depressed, she made me feel worse. My siblings did not talk to me if i had tears- no crying allowed. I got the label as "the emotional one" and yet, I was taking on the world and not getting my emotional needs met. I struggled with an eating disorder, depression and then, cosmetic surgery. My parents died, and siblings scapegoat me one last horrific episode. But finally, I can say, no more eating disorder, working on emotional sobriety, self love, sleep is okay. It is a day by day process. I actually feel some peace but had to sacrifice leaving my family. I am alone, I'l always remember the hurt. But, I am slowly healing.
you won't be alone for ever. You will have a new family, a loving one and receive the emotional support you always deserved. I for one commend you for the sacrifice you made taking care of your younger siblings and emotionally impotent parents. The best is ahead of you.
@@justiceleaguett-d2x Beautiful people show up when you are least expected. Thank you for your kind words;-)
I’m so sorry this was your experience. I can relate to this family dynamic, essentially I was the eldest and the only girl so I too took on the role of being the carer, looking after everyone else’s emotional needs whilst having mine ignored and dismissed and ridiculed. and watching my mother be subject to the horrible cycles of the relationship she felt stuck in, rendering her unable to notice or listen to my pain, and inadvertently making me feel worse. Left me with mental health issues, no self esteem and no ability to take care of my own basic needs. We were so robbed of so much, but I’m happy for you that you are on your healing journey. I’m 28 now and FINALLY about to move out of this mad house and begin my own life in earnest and I can’t wait to really get moving on my own healing. I hope you continue to get better and find your true peace ☺️
@@elmondo-s1e You are on the right path. Stay true to yourself. Listen to your needs. Take time to know about you. Sending love, peace and joy. Thank you for sharing!
I also left my family. My situation was similar to yours, except my mother was away having complicated hip surgeries. When she was there she tended to efface herself, while I was left to clean after my dad and 3 older brothers. Puberty was hard, i relied on a friend to teach me everything. I also had untreated ADHD and I was forced to start working at age 11-12. I take antidepressants to numb the emotional pain enough to function.
I am having difficulty putting into words how much watching these videos have meant to me. Just know that the mere validation(s) that I’m not alone and that these experiences are real and often have names and ways to handle or deal is mind blowing and a complete game changer! It’s only been a week so far that I’ve started watching. Already, I’m experiencing a “lighter load”, smiling more... Thank you, Dr. Ramani!! Your time, effort, information, etc. has and continues to help my life (inside and out) tremendously!!!
Consistent invalidation leads directly to low self esteem. My anxiety has been increasing again since my mom’s been visiting for a 2 week quarantine. My moms invalidation is subtle enough to get easily “absorbed,” and you can’t call it out, either. I actually feel like a nervous 5 year old again. She’s leaving in 2 days 💕
Subtle like carbon monoxide--you can't see it, you can't smell it, but it's deadly.
@@cardinalflower6959 My mother. Exactly. She was “perfect”.
@@bethmoore7722 mine too.
Yep. Me too.
My mom was nasty to me and my kids when I was out 33 and I told her on the phone that if she didn't have anything nice to say to me or my kids and she was just going to be nasty and critical, she could stay the hell away from me and the house and my kids! I meant it even though I didn't want it to sound nasty or disrespectful.. I just had to put my foot down. Good grief I didn't want to hurt my mother but I have been hurt and the kids had been hurt.. I was thirty-three years old and I've been hurt by this crap off and on from her since I was 7 years old. Done!
My ex kept saying, "That is your perception.", to almost every feeling I shared. I even told the marriage counselor he said that, and she sided with him and said, "well everyone has their own perception." When I told her that was the way he invalidated me, she just looked at me blankly. A total waste of time and money.
Get rid of her. She'll only do more damage to you.
She was bottom of her class. ;)
...This is what my mom told me and my sister since we were young.
It’s so hard to find a good knowledgeable counselor nowadays because they just get this degree and dont know what else to do and tell you what you want to hear because they are getting paid, not actually listen to you and give you the good advice for you as a person or as a whole in a relationship.
Omg same I had no idea that what he was doing was abuse until he discarded me and threw me away like I was trash
I explained to my 'friend' a bit about my 4 decades long struggle with and recovery from depression. She said 'I don't believe you!!' I was Gobsmacked!!!!
And knew right then who she was.
The worst is when your happiness or sense of humour or courage towards self-esteem is invalidated... then you start feeling guilty for being happy or feeling good about yourself for things that you actually earned or learned
My parents specifically targeted my interests and spoiled them for me as often as they could. This didn't stop until I was 12 and I went from the Golden Goat to just the regular Scapegoat after my mood collapsed. A child who is bedridden with depression is not a threat I suppose.
I know, people who invalidate, often invalidate both your virtues and your negative experiences. When you're making progress and you're productive, happy, inspired, hopeful, peaceful: they're against you, and want you to feel bad. When you're setting boundaries, they're calling you delusional, overly sensitive, negative, weak, unspiritual. When you're feeling bad, you're a burden, negative, needing to start taking responsibility for your emotions, annoying etc.
Exactly the same
@@Babesinthewood97 Some people absolutely cannot stand if you are feeling well and have to sour that. However, being full of self-loathing, they cannot stand it if you are feeling bad, because that is inevitably reminding them of their own inadequacies and sense of shame. It's essentially a catch-22: No matter what's going on with you, it's never the right thing.
This is why I don't cry in front of my parents anymore (narcissistic mom and codependent dad).
Thank you and thank you in advanced for kind comments! Stay strong also!
Try to get away as soon as you can.
Grey Rock.
@JL Evans Thanks for the kind words.
@@pegasus5148 Thanks, I wasn't expecting to get 2 comments, let alone one. Getting away is not possible right now, but I thank you for the advice. I'll try grey rocking instead.
Well here’s 3 comments; 😁 save yourself for people that matter. You’ll figure out who by listening to your intuition and acting accordingly. 💪🏼💐🦋
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Thank you.
This women is a life saver and an encyclopedia for explaining and surviving narcissism ❤️❤️ thank goodness for her words and wisdom they’ve saved me so many times
Dr. Ramani is my doctor. I don’t know where I would be without her.
The part of this video about growing up with an invalidating parent was painful, and on point. My mother used invalidation as a tool to enforce conformity and control, and to avoid being inconvenienced by having to deal with her children's messy emotions.
Bruuuh mine too. She always did this with my sister and I. But my three brothers she gave them whatever they wanted. Now we're grown and she wonders why my sister and I choose to live in different states and never visit her lol
Same here
a childhood like that conditions someone to be vulnerable to other narcissists sometimes. It is so painful.
My dad always told me the best wife was a lady in public and a slut in bed...great way to give me something to strive for.
They can invalidate people by pretending they can't understand what you are saying. They say what did you say while rolling their eyes. Or They love drama and making jokes at people's expense in front of people and laugh proudly. They are so smug . They even talk right in your face or talk down to you while kneeling down. They might tell someone to ignore people and not listen to them. Or tell people I don't care when you have a problem. Or tell people to shut up. They make it all about them and use drama and like laughing at people to humiliate people. That's how I have been treated loads of time.
Yup. I will definitely agree.
They want to chipaway your selfvalue...
sounds very callous
Truth. Even the body language, and attitude is invalidating.
@@yvonnebond9795 yes, you are so right
Marie Williams so true! I was told numerous times that I was not being heard or understood, or words being put in my mouth. Word salad, gaslighting, invalidation, deflection, projection. A whole F...arsenal of Narc weapons to attack us sometime just because it is entertainment to them...
"Well, we all have problems."
Was a favorite of my family members.
So that's why I go out of my way to validate peoples' feelings, because I was always invalidated.
It has taken me 75 years to figure this out. Being 9th of 13, I was understandably ignored and often invalidated. This has been the pattern I've accepted until now. I've been the one who listens, cares and actively helps while my own needs are ignored. When not one of my forever needy and falsely fawning family or friends made any effort to make my birthday special, that did it for me. Sigh, breathe, repeat. Thankyou Dr. R. 😘
I’ve also seen it theorized that Narcissists invalidate others’ emotions because they cannot tolerate anyone around them having a response different to that of the Narcissist. If the Narcissist isn’t experiencing it, it shouldn’t be experienced.
This actually ties in incredibly well with what my mother said to me the last time we spoke after she and my sister spent a week invalidating my partner and I about his grandmother (mine for the last 3 years) passed away.
"I've never heard of this woman ((she had, many times)). Who even was she to you? Your boyfriends nan? She was old anyway. You should have been expecting it." 🙄
For me the invalidation was most dangerous when I was already enduring a loss or vulnerability. I know this because I was capable of handling criticism; until, I had lost my original belief of self.
I have experience confidence, self esteem, success. I have been completely beat down by abuse. Abuse is like a highly toxic poison, deadly. I am in recovery stages, healing one day at a time. I will come out stronger. You will too.
Same here, I've really noticed this. I'm going through an awful time and there is no A game with them, they still can't be there for you ✌
What they are doing with invalidation is telling you that they don’t care about you, that they are tired of listening to you, that their feelings are so much more important, that they don’t believe you or in you, it is utterly dismissive. I used to listen to it but now it infuriates me to the point that I refuse to have contact with people who do not care about me.
I learned English by myself, and the narcissists say that I'm full of myself because of it. They criticize everything that I do and accomplish.
Yeah my mother in law heard that I was learning Greek through my husband (my mum is Greek Cypriot and my mother in law doesn't like that I don't have the same origin as her and everyone else in her family) so she went off on saying that back in her day the housewife would cook, clean and have kids (I don't have kids yet) and she also complained that I'm learning Greek and not her language... Blah blah blah 🙄. I told my husband to not share things about me in the future because he can never expect a positive response from it
Don’t tell them what you’re doing,just keep doing it! That’s a jealous response, you probably never thought about it that way and you won’t! Make a life plan and don’t tell them, why because they will never be proud of you, they have insecurities within themselves
Good for you well done
@@katadam2186 so true, they will ruin anything
I'm so sorry. That's an amazing accomplishment. I'm proud of you. Sending love 💕
“Do you really think I’m that big of a piece of shit I could do that to you”
He was....
at a guess, I'd say Yup
Or "do you really think I'm capable of that?" LOL he was
This!
"In that way, invalidation is a thief, and it is a weapon of the insecure. They use it to create conformity and allow them to not have to experience the threat of there being other ways for things to be." Such strong and impactful words - this hits so close to home for me. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
Thank you, I learned not to try to solve people’s problems and just to listen to them.
Watching this right in front of him....... he’s so uncomfortable that he squirmed in his seat and got up and left lol 😂....... I am stuck until the lockdown is lifted or until I can get to my moms. This is my house, yet he refuses to leave.
This cracked me up. You're brave! 😆 Good luck to you, and good riddance when it comes.
Laurence Boischot Thankyou! LoL, I don’t know if I would call myself brave LoL, I was just really uncomfortable and mad that day! I would never recommend calling out a person with narcissistic traits in that way, it’s not the safest thing to do! Better to just quietly slip away when it’s safe and FINALLY say “Good Riddance!!!” 😁 and “yay, I’m free!” lol!
Holly Varner you're quite right. I do hope you're safe, and able to make your escape soon.
I didn't know much at all about narcissism when I left my ex. The most outrageous behaviours started after I left. I ended up going to the police to report his stalking, and after they called him in to gave him an informal warning... he joined the triathlon club where I was training, showing up to the same swim sessions... Totally sane behaviour, right? I didn't quit. He gave up swimming.
That's a madlad move right there. I applaud you :D
Pack his shit up and move him out under the guise of "remodeling" get him a hotel and change the locks!
I finally feel my feelings being validated.
I wish I had this in my life...
Crying out my heartbreak helps me let go.
I feel like gaslighting is when they completely deny that an event actually happened.
What event? Damn... your becoming kinda crazy... idk what your even talking about? What’s next I tin foil hat??? Here let me make you one...
For sure. That’s the high quality shit kicking gas lighting for sure. Keep up your good work, step by step... your confidence grows like a tree.
They always told me “send me screenshots”. They always do x. Demand screenshots of x. I send them. He argues it wasn’t offensive .
“It’s all in your head.”
My invalidation appeared in the smear campaign on Facebook - Facebook is a toddlers play ground
🤣🤣🤣🤣sure is
Completely!! A playground indeed!
Sunshine andloveinside my Gosh ! Isn’t that the absolute truth.
@Ms. BuschhornSpoke too soon. He tried to hoover today after 30 day NC with an anonymous #, I answered and ignored him as he kept saying hello hello hello & finally hung up. He wanted his fix & I wasn't going to give it to him. Hope you are going to go thru with it. It is the most freeing feeling after realizing they just want to hurt you.
So true
Got an "I'm tired of your ego"..after I expressed my sadness over being told "I will break your face" by the same person.
Wow. Just wow.
WOW
A person is always heard, what we need is to be listened to. This is fundamental to respecting another person's human dignity
This was wonderfully stated. Thank you.
You're brilliant, not only for all you know, but for the blessed way you have to give your knowledge away, so well, so clear!
Sara Sol so so true❤️‼️
The majority of my life I have been surrounded by people telling me to "get over it", "you need to be more grateful", "it could always be worse" and so on. I felt like I had no right to feel anything. I was broken and couldn't think like other people so I must be crazy. After decades of mental abuse, physical abuse, an assortment of traumas and surgeries I developed cPTSD. I went through EMDR last year and things are starting to click into place finally. However it has been SO hard going back through all of the old feelings I had to bury and deny in order to process them. It was like trying to untangle a huge ball of yarn trying to get back in touch with my emotions and feeling like I mattered enough to sort through it all in order to heal. I knew I was overreacting to things but I would have to stop and trace it back to something in the past to figure out WHY. Thank you for helping so many people (myself included) to make sense of the things that happened to them and to know that they are not alone.
This brought back a lot of memories. It wasn't until I joined the army that I really realized how different I was from people who had normal childhoods. My parents were both very screwed up and had us totally isolated from the main stream of society. When I got out of the army I went home and one day my mother was going on and on about all sorts of petty bs that I was supposed to go along with and have sympathy and support for her. I started telling her about some of my military experiences that she knew that she and my father had done nothing to prepare me for. I told her that I was threatened with violence on a daily basis and she just dismissed everything I had been through by saying you have to do that with a higher moral commitment. What does that even mean? Not only were my experiences not valid she wouldn't even listen to me but I was supposed to listen to her for as long as she felt like talking. Back then I hadn't done any reading and I didn't know fancy words like narcissistic but I knew truth and respect and that I wasn't getting those things.
Oh,oh,oh that's why I self-doubt... and proving my point in the other extreme... allowing invalidation is self-betrayal...:(
I never do that again ever.
Get back to your intuition
@@dhanyaslifeventure Thank you. I did.
“It is a luxury for someone to tell you don’t worry.” 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My experience was so bad in my last relationship that when I ended up living in a tent mourning a good portion of my family and the loss of the relationship... I was so much happier.
„The good stuff happens in life, when we feel!“
My Mom liked to end conversations with "Well we have to agree to disagree" with my own emotions. My parents taught me how to be a light switch.
Oh... that really hits the point. When my child was about 20 months and in a pool with her 11yo cousin, my ex husband's family saw me as an anxious mother for worrying... I didn't think it was the 11y old's job to keep the toddler safe...
invalidation was a big part of my childhood and teen years. how to recover from this? i never got the chance to develop self-confidence.
i just began my path to self-love at the age of 27 because it took me years to realize what was ''wrong with me''.
Sugar, it's only because you are so lovely that the narc targeted you! Keep watching, you'll get it!
If you are able to find a therapist or join a support group...either or both help(s) tremendously. Nothing is wrong but RIGHT with you. It takes time to undo all the negative things you've experienced.
PT you’re heading in the right direction
There is an instagram account called "the holistic psychologist" she gives great tools for that.
If you felt unvalidated you need to validate your own feelings and reality, you don't need someone to acknowledge it your feelings are real and it's ok to feel angry, sad, disrespected, happy or whatever, I find the more you accept your feelings without shuting them or act on it the better you feel. Of course of someone can listen to you without judgement it's helpful too but you just need your own validation.
PT this sounds a lot like me too
I was just talking about how sitting in your feelings is totally ok with a friend a couple nights ago. We connected instantly bc she married to a narcissist also. She was taking about not wanting to come to things bc she was sad and I said you can totally come and be sad, that's perfectly ok! I do this with my kid too. My response is I'm sorry this happened I'm sorry you are feeling this way. And I say we can work through it. Not that they shouldn't feel it, not that it's all okay. 💜 Your videos are so helpful and affirming. Thank you so much for you content and work
I experienced so much invalidation and gaslighting in a toxic relationship with someone I thought was a friend. This episode brought me so much clarity about what was going on.
I have been unable to see my therapist, due to Covid-19, since the beginning of March. These videos have been SO helpful--thank you!
BBB; the main goal of a therapist is to teach you to think for yourself.
If you were abused by a narc, you have issues with boundaries and self-worth. This is because the goal of the narcissist is basically to destroy you.
Narcissus love to divide and conquer people. It makes them feel superior.
Learn to set firm boundaries for yourself.
Work on your self-esteem.
Cut out negative people.
Avoid people pleasing and learn to value yourself.
Get in touch with things that make you happy.
Grey Rock the narcs by not reacting when they try to provoke you.
Be stoic around them.
Document things if necessary.
Remember, they have the issues, not you!
Abuse is never okay.
Put your needs first! Take care of you. No arguing, defending or reasoning with the narcs.
Move forward in silence and ignore any smear campaign.
Give others courtesy, but do not tolerate disrespect.
Narcs look for those with weak boundaries to prey on.
Trust your gut and drop those that don't support your values.
Good Luck!
Tele health is an option now. Therapist should know about this
@@elanaf6985 She does. Thanks.
BigBeardedBennett have you tried a phone session? I am talking to my therapist over the phone and it is still good...
Thank you, thank you….at 66 years old I am finally coming to grips why I am a magnet with narcissistic men. The whole invalidation that usually proceeds as the relationship advances is like a video of my experiences. I just escaped moving in with another narcissist because I FINALLY listened to my gut instead of doubting myself and the red flags that ensued through the beginning of the relationship. Your “love bombing” information from a previous TH-cam was a PICTURE of what he said to me. Thank you, I hope to be able to change and be aware of when I’m presented with another narcissist.
Keep the TH-cam presentation coming!!!!
Finally! Someone defines these various forms of invalidation.
Especially the “ you shouldn’t feel bad because you have it better than ( another person). It’s the gratitude -gaslight tactic ...”don’t feel badly that you don’t have shoes, be glad you you have feet”( because someone else doesn’t)
It’s not only invalidating it’s guilting and shaming. It’s denying someone his right to grief, anger, sorrow.
I wish we could stop labeling those emotions as “ negative”. That in itself gives them a bad connotation, one to be “corrected”.
Thank you so much for this video. It’s a gem.
I felt a great sense of relief when my mom passed away in my adult years. I could not share this with anyone I felt so guilty. I could never figure out why she had made such a wonderful grandmother. So I always believed it must have been me.
I have felt like this for years --- life will be so much easier when she is gone --- honestly, it is so sad that someone didn't reach their fullest potential in this life they were given --- It's nice to know I am not the only one or insane for feeling exhausted by everyone's adoration for her. It is lonely.
I read once that grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they have a common enemy. Omg!
It wasn't you!
They especially like to play super grandma in front of you to rub it in, and to get their grandchildrens' approval!
I cant listen when people made comments about how "cute" my narc-mom is when she was so vindictive, psychologically disturbed, demonically possessed, underhanded, vile, sneaky, pernicious, and full of vice!
She was just an excellent actress, and everyone fell for it!
But toward the end, others in the family could sense there were something seriously wrong with her, but they still enabled her.
Not a healthy, functional, fair or honest, authentic, loving, mature family! - Not mine!
Clueless!
I only accept Christian, loving, authentic relationships in a family! Otherwise, that"s simply NOT family!
- I just don't accept that, and indeed, neverdid!
That is NOT what God accepts as being part OF HIS Family!THAT'S the Family I Belong to! And THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, ULTIMATELY if they refuse to repent!
Over & Out!
+Q-S/
🌹💕
I experience every single one of these with my husband! He calls me names, criticizes everything I do! Be littles, condescending comments almost every day of my life! Working on NO contact and getting out! This channel has been a God send! Thanks so much!
“You’ve always been a sensitive person.”
Everyone calls me sensitive but now that I'm hearing about invalidation, I'm realizing that they are all a bunch of narcissistic jerks.
I got this as a child. Now I want to know "If you knew I was sensitive, why didn't you treat me more kindly"? But I know it's pointless to ask.
Or, Don't be so sensitive! Or, Oh shut up, stop grizzling. Or, Shut up, or I'll give you something to cry FOR. Or, Christ! You're such a MISERY. I could go on. I'm sure you know it all anyway.
I'd stay awake all night rubbing his head when he had a toothache, but when I was crying over a pet that had passed away, I'd get a quick hug and a "Sorry baby" in an infantile voice.
@Siobhan Fogarty It's a bit more complicated than "volunteered" as everything is when you're with a narcissist. I was raised by a self-sacrificing, martyr of a mother so people-pleasing is in my blood (perfect target for narcs) - taking care of someone I love by holding them when they're in horrible pain is just something I do. The problem is narcs take it for granted, they misuse and abuse it, and start to expect it without fail. If you don't keep it up, they berate you and interrogate you because they think something's wrong and their alarm goes off. Anyway, long story short, people like me who are serial people-pleasers and way too caring get walked all over by narcs.
My ex was a narcissist magnet. He had to attend a medical congress over the weekend (Friday to Sunday), which was so important, that he had to leave his old dog with his (narcissistic) father and couldn't be home before Sunday evening.
His dog had been very sick for two weeks and had stopped eating on Wednesday. My ex took him to the vet, who told him to just wait and try out special kibble... He was afraid his dog would die while he was at work that weekend, and that's exactly what happened.
On Friday evening his father called and told him. My ex was devastated. This was the worst case scenario - he knew, that his father wouldn't keep the dog's body stored somewhere until he came back, but dump it or have it cremated, so he wouldn't be able to see it again. He couldn't just jump into his car and drive home.
On the verge of an emotional breakdown he called his then (narcissistic) girlfriend, who lived in a different city, and immediately told her what had happened. Her answer? - "Look, I don't want this negativity in my life. If you're in for some dirty talk, great! Otherwise mind your own business and call me when you're back to normal."
She wouldn't even let him say more than 3 sentences before she hung up on him.
He told me about his dog early on in the relationship and explained how much it had hurt him - not only that his old buddy was gone and he hadn't been able to say goodbye, but most of all his then girlfriend's reaction.
What pissed me off most was his father's reaction. I asked him, "Do you realise, that your father didn't have to call you? He knew you were at work, he knew it was a very important congress and there was no way you could have come home before Sunday. He called you on Friday, when you were in your crappy hotel bed, because he wanted you to suffer for days!"
In my opinion, the decent thing to do would have been to tell him on Sunday evening, when he came to pick up the dog. It was November, it was cold outside. His father could have stored the body away in the garage in some box and shown it to him. There was no need to ruin the weekend for him. His father knew he wouldn't sleep after that and would only count the minutes until he could leave, which wouldn't win him any brownie points with his boss.
Yes, sure, his ex girlfriend was a c**t. One of the few women I've ever met, who I can honestly say deserved to be beaten and ass-kicked on a daily basis. I've never wanted to slap anyone that badly. But he knew this about her, he knew how cold and bitchy and uncaring she was. He even mentioned, that before he dialed her number that Friday evening, it occurred to him, that she most likely wouldn't be supportive in any way.
He also knew his dog wasn't safe with his father. I still think, that this man did something to the dog. Maybe poison him or take him to the vet to have him euthanised as soon as his son had left, because he didn't want to look after an elderly, sickly dog for 3 days, but didn't dare to say no to his son.
I just realized that the invalidation sometimes went as far as gaslighting. I don’t know if he was a narcissist or not but this was my dealbreaker. You are describing to a T how it affected me. My dad was a benign narc so this is a familiar feeling.. In romantic relationships I keep finding different versions of the same thing, sticking around/being in denial until I am a total mess… I am proud of myself for getting out of this relationship, but reflecting back, I could have decided sooner this was a dealbreaker. These videos are helping me feel validated again!
This glossary series is one of the most useful things I've found on TH-cam in a long time. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
This is why I never liked the popular saying, "Bloom where you're planted", because it doesn't take into consideration what about if you are living on a mountain of manure! Also, forcing forgiveness is invalidating and condoning acts and I love how Dr. R. talks about forgiveness on a MedCircle interview! Thank you!
This is one of my favorite videos she's ever done. The whole thing resonates. I have experienced everything she describes, sometimes from both sides. I also love that in general she doesn't address her audience like we are her patients. She presents teh material as an educator
I’ve been divorced for 20 years and I finally understand what I experienced during my marriage! Thank you! 💕
This is at the CORE of many narcissistic relationships. THANK YOU
I'm listening to this in the middle of the night because I can't sleep from unresolved anger & resentment, not just my family, but others who were abusive and projected their "problems" onto me and my family. I'm not suicidal, but I have had enough. Thank you Dr Ramani. 💜 Stay well stay safe.
Crying infront of my father after my mum's behaviour pushed me to the edge. I was put in a really awkward position because I had all this horrible emotion that I needed to get out but at the same time it could be construed that I wanted my dad to take sides which wasn't it. I just needed a bit of truth. My absolute last resort was crying infront of my father and with a straight face, he just says. ''Your mum was upset that you picked up on her fault''....''you have to go and make your own life now'' ..... I mean what?? I was soooo confused, and hurt, by both my parents. And I'm an only child. So now... I really am going off and making my own life. I have learned my lesson that my parents aren't the best for my mental health.
This is so eye opening. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been told that I am just a crybaby and that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Every single video I have watched so far feels like you have been watching and listening to the last ten years of my life, you are spot on with what I've been dealing with. After ten years I don't even recognize myself, I'm trying to be strong for our daughter's sake, but it's so hard.
omg! So that's how I caused my sister's narcissistic injury and a scary narcissistic rage during which she said something she really won't otherwise say and woke me up to the fact that she is actually a narcissist.
And thank you so much for putting this out. I'm definitely a fixer or the "cheer up" type of "friend". When I hear people complaining, the 1st thing I do is to jump into action to try to find a way to "resolve" their "issues" when in fact, the only thing they need is someone who listen and validate their feelings. I find that listening to people's pain is very uncomfortable, and also time consuming. I have to take notes on this one, and learn to bite my tongue next time this happens.