@@Babeatrice I agree! I am healing from the betrayal of my previous bf and his daughter whom I loved and cared for more than then their own family ever did, yet he said and did nothing when she and her mom and grandmother launched a smear campaign against me based on 0 facts and all gaslighting ! Thanks for your comment . Bless you on your healing journey 💜🌟🙏🏼😇🕊💫
I keep having to remind myself that my ex husband and his family trashed everyone at different times and repeatedly. It seems they cycled through some sort of mental list. I still can't fathom why they chose to waste so much valuable and irretrievable time in life on such anger, hatred and sick minded retaliation. Those loons talked about everybody behind their back and had a problem with literally everyone they ever got to know, even shortly after meeting them. I concluded these were miserable people consumed by self hatred.
A narcissist starting a smear campaign is not too surprising, but having friends you trusted believe lies and turning their back on you… that’s the worst part!
...and sometimes one of them figures it out later, and comes back and wants to be your friend again. Sorry. You discarded me for a Narky. Figure out your own friends.
The problem is when it is not just how you look, but it has an effect on your relationship with your children or your work environment. A work environment where you have been smeared is not a pleasant place to spend your day, to work effectively with others and to see your future positively.
I had to leave an entire toxic family behind. There's no safety in a narcissistic family. No contact was my only option to keep my mental and physical health.
GREAT! I can understand, it might not have been easy, but the only option. Sometimes, the only options are the best ones to keep your mental peace and live your life, instead of just surviving.
Same but I’m in control of my life and getting better everyday ! My Narc did it all and still is TRYING to destroy me ! I will never let him , therapy family and close friends and moving away AND no contact is the way ! 💪💪💪💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💪💪💪💪💪💕💕.
I died a social death due to the smear campaign. Everyone had to go, including everyone that was ever affiliated with my toxic family. I disappeared off social media and moved very far away. After much therapy I am beginning to start to live again . At almost 50. For any person who has been through the same, my heart goes out to you.
It is the most evil thing the narc does imo. It's heartbreaking to see those we trusted swallow their bullshit - then advertise some of the personal details we shared with them as friends. I hope you are finding peace and freedom now.
You have my sympathy and my empathy too. I am in the same unenviable position and, pretty late in life, it has only recently become clear the full extent of it due to my mother dying. I also have the same from my ex. It's a lot to deal with but at least I am realising that's it's not all my fault and my 'badness'. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.
@@FergusGrant yeh, my mum is 81 and I'll be scared to go to her funeral. She's smeared me to all the relatives. So will I prove her right by not evening going to her funeral like the heartless abusive daughter I am? or do I go and face them all knowing they'll all thinking they're being stand up citizens giving me the silent treatment on her behalf. You mention an abusive x too. I ahve the same. I feel like the only way to have people in my life is to accept being put down /insulted and/or disregarded. The moment i set a few boundaries, asked the names to stop et cetera, instant DARVO, cold shouldering, smearing, triangulation
Or just take someone's word for it without even bothering to ask questions/check if this is even true. Many people just go along with it and that is hurtful.
Too often, it's impossible to determine what the actual truth is because the information later given is twisted into a pretzel by severely manipulated revisionism.....if we weren't there to witness something from start to finish. People tell stories they way they want them to be known, not in the interest of accuracy---that would be way too ethical and moral.
@@kharper506 whats more irritating is that you feel that no one else sees what their doing, but u notice their ways and get even more frustrated. the best thing is to leave ! it only gets worse and more and more toxic.
@@kharper506 Did I write this? It’s spot on. They attack everything good about you and when you are successful in holding space for yourself and achieving some of your goals, they take credit for all of it. It’s baffling to witness.
I lost an entire community because of a smear campaign. Spent a year in terror. Blew my mind. Never thought such human evil existed. Thank God for such a revelation
Smear campaign may ruin lots of things but its a blessing in disguise and an ultimate test to your social circle. Imagine continuing to be in touch with all of those people who just believe any bad they are told about you.
Exactly. All of my true friends knew that he was talking a bunch of crap and didn't believe him. Out of all the people he smeared me to, only one believed him, and I distanced myself from that person because it showed they were not really my friend to begin with.
I've had a sibling run a smear campaign on me with our grandparents, parents, any - and all - of our relatives who would listen, and of entire hometown area. She's brutal. She'd seek out any new friend that I made, and destroy that relationship. She'd phone people that she had never met- complete strangers - just to try to destroy me. She would try to turn my boyfriends against me, and try to get me fired from my job. She was relentless- still is.
When narcissists can’t handle criticism or get called out, they will spread lies and exaggerate details to save face. They do this to shift attention away from their own flaws and to make the other person look bad.
Agree. There are a few different reasons they employ the smear campaign, including damage limitation, and to bait and provoke you, to keep you working for them!
My God. She did this to me and I realized it was too late. She said the worst possible things about me to everyone and over a decade later people still believe her lies.
Ah! True! If there is a morsel of truth in what they are spreading it makes me feel like I’m the “bad guy” even though there was a very dangerous and damaging action that led them to to the consequences of their behavior. Yes. He got arrested. Yes ..there is a restraining order. No. I’m not the bad guy. I’m the one who put boundaries in place FINALLY!
I hope she's seeking helping from a mental health professional who specializes in this sort of thing. The stress alone can cause her to become physically ill like it did to me. She needs a strong support system to help her through. Prayers for her and your family.
This is exactly what the Latter-day Saintans did to me. Priesthood leaders with a vendetta. I was a convert to their cult and they used all of my previous life against me.
I learned early on to not talk to people about my issues. I try to deal with my issues on my own to avoid troubles from others. Ive become somewhat paranoid about relationships. This is sickening beyond measure. my own family I believe smeared me and it was nerve wrecking.
@@tinaleigh3273God knows our truth,and that is a balm.They cannot escape HIS justice,and they will have to give an account to Him, for every foul word & deed.
Amazes me how the one person, and one narcassist is all it takes, can literally fool so many people with lies and twisting the truth to make themselves look like the victim, yet the victim themselves can’t even defend themselves or raise their own voice, even just to be heard, without being made out to be the bad guy, despite these reactions being the effects of long term narc abuse and people just turn a blind eye to this. Unless there’s physical scars then we stand no chance of being believed or understood 🤷🏼♀️ 😔
Yes! It's like an alternate reality. I've even discovered one of my adult children has recorded a phone conversation with me then cherry picked what he then used to frame me. That one really hurt.
My daughter-in-law is experiencing this with a neighbor. It's so bad they have decided to move for the sake of their children. They would have stayed if the other neighbors had supported them, but they were too cowardly to stand up for what's right. Never underestimate a narcissist. They will go as low as they need to to stay in control.
14:32 this has been the hardest part for me. it’s not just losing the one person that hurts, but losing the whole family and understanding that they would prefer to turn against me than offer support.
I’m 3 1/2 years into attempting to get out of a 30 year marriage. The domestic violence shelter gave me advice back then that just paid back in dividends 3 days ago in court. Do NOT EVER erase a message, text, or email. My kids hated my guts. One day one of them broke into my phone and learned the truth and clued the other two in. And when he tried to smear me on court documents, I had YEARS of texts to prove he was a filthy lying, abusive bastard and he lost his ass.
Five years ago I was the victim of a smear campaign. It's still causing me problems. I know exactly who the narcissist was who did it is, but she was so convincing and conniving that she caused me to lose work. We were both self employed in the same line of work and because I was offered quite a positive opportunity instead of her she became insanely jealous and began to behave in strange ways. Showing up in places I was working when she had no business being there, filming me on her mobile, posting disgusting things on social media that were aimed at me but would do it in a way so I couldn't prove it. After a few weeks of this, I noticed I was getting less and less work and she was getting more. People I thought were friends, and had worked with for years stopped contacting me, and to this day they still avoid me. I have no idea what she was telling people but as Dr. Ramani said, no-one had the guts to actually ask me if what they were hearing was true or not. I am heartbroken because I have had to change my occupation and I used to love my work. I also became quite unwell because I knew I couldn't do anything to stop her. Narcissists are more than just bullies. They are dangerous people who will stoop to whatever means necessary to destroy you.
I've been there. It's rough. My own husband took over the business I built up for eight years. He quit his job and pushed himself in and then rumors started coming back to me. Terrible ones. No one believed him but I was still in love with him after 35 years and it hurt me bad. I didn't know he had been over me and basically dating for years. When I confronted him, he gave me a black eye. It shocked my system. Three years later I'm still holding my breath. I never went back to my store, not even once. It feels tainted . He's running it now and I hear it's a mess. He also sold my rental house that I worked hard to buy. It was part of my retirement plan. I'm cleaning a bar and a bonds office now. I don't have the energy to use my brain to start over with my own business again. I hope this feeling doesn't last forever.
I'm having the same issue. However, so far I'm not comparing myself to them, and at the same time understanding the limitations of working in a toxic environment. I even mark the calendar with days when there is no drama. Sometimes I return various emails with "I'm on a "no drama" diet, so I am happy to talk about anything else." What has been my strength is having a long-distance friend validate and encourage me almost on a daily basis. OMG It makes all the difference! Your success is their shame. I intend to keep trying for success so I also understand that it will never end. Knowing this lets me decide how much energy to spend on the situation.
From my experience with narcissists, the crowd is on their side, though I am the one being victimised. Then I am reminded intuitively that there is something higher that is on my side and in this I find solace. Therefore, I will continue to stand on the ground of principles rather than stoop to the narcissist’s level.
@@kaviding7551 I try to remember of that something higher than me but it’s been difficult. I’ve been hit so many times, in different circumstances in life. Wish I could get one person to support me!! But there isn’t!
Good on you. It's the most challenging part of the experience, but mastering it is a superpower. That we never stooped to their level says much about us.
The Smear Campaign cost me not only friends and family, it also cost me my 2 sons. It was deliberate and cruel. 15 years later our relationships still hasn't healed. The cruel part; he had an affair and destroyed the 20 years marriage. You're right; he started before I even knew he was going to ask for a divorce. My complete social circle disappeared the day he asked for a divorce, I was completely isolated.
I'm in the situation when they're smearing me so hard my whole life, isolating me from anyone they can. "Magic" of dealing with people so pathological and pathetic that they don't even know what's normal.
I feel for you my narcissistic ex who iI ISN’T my daughters biological father destroyed my relationship with her. It’s truly so heartbreaking . It is a harsh lesson about who is really on your side. Love and hugs to you
This is just so sad. I’m so sorry for you. How these evil *astards get a way with their disgusting lies and behaviour I do not know. To brainwash and manipulate your children is the lowest of the low and so cruel 😢
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
@@thompsonlauren1004 you nailed this description! I also used to get… I did this bare minimum thing for you (put window washer in the car or loaded the dishwasher, etc. See? I’m not such a bad guy. Or I always do nice things for you (load dishwasher, gas up the car when HE is driving it) and I don’t get any appreciation around here… I do ALLLLL the work.
He smeared me to the police and the police didn’t recognise it. The inspector wrote, he said he treated you very well. Some police are so pathetic and incompetent. I have the transcript. I will confront him with the transcript when we’re in the court.
Someone beat me and she called the police.... saying something...I don't know what..police came to me asking what's going on I said it he said than. I see bears on the path. Delusional(?)
This is next level triangulation. By the time his smear campaign was in full swing, his harem of enablers and jealous rivals were dripping with saliva over the morsels of poisonous lies he told. He’d groomed them to accept his garbage as if it was a delectable feast. I left them all to feed on one another.
My ex complained non-stop about our friends: D was too loud, L was pushy, P's kid was a brat, etc. Every social get-together was followed by him ranting all the way home about everyone's faults. I spent years defending our friends to him - I thought D was so fun, L had terrific energy, and P's kid was sweet. I always felt guilty that he was so charming to people's faces but so critical behind their backs. Imagine my shock when I found out that he went to all of our friends immediately - lightning quick! - and told them that I thought D was too loud, L was pushy, etc., and he was SO RELIEVED to not have to keep my true opinions secret anymore! A few friends clued me in to what was happening, but 90% just ghosted me. It was surreal because it was word-for-word what HE had always said about them. My reputation was ruined. I lost a great career opportunity. It left me reeling. I now live far away and am never ever going back.
My Borderline mother did that to us when we were kids. She would act as if I was some kind of devil child and her toxic family believed her. Who believes something like that about a shy, quiet 7 year old? She began doing the same to my younger brother when he got older. Even if her sisters talk badly about us, she never defends us. Her sisters are evil too and they cause strife within the family.
@@saltycat662 The narcissist mother truly believes, and feels entitled to treat you like a defiant, selfish adult, when we are CHILDREN with legitimate needs. What's more, the smear campaign provokes us to defend ourselves and therefore keeping us hooked in
I had this experience and it traumatized me for a long time. I didn’t have enough strength to combat the attack. I just retreated but the main thing that hurt was other people who gossiped too didn’t want to “take sides” but ultimately somehow sided with the person gossiping because I wasn’t there doing damage control. My thought was, that none of the things this person is gossiping about is true and just simply not in my character. I figured they would believe it because there is no record of me behaving like this ever. I was wrong. I forgot how people will side with the bully so they feel like they won’t be next. Anyway, it still makes me angry at the person who did this to me, the people who didn’t stand up for me and myself for being paralyzed.
Paralysis is a freeze response to being traumatized. In that state, you are cut off from rational thinking. In that state, all I could do was feel the pain and replay the tragic memories of being traumatized. There's no use being angry with yourself. You could not have done otherwise until you got past it and reacquainted with yourself.
As I struggled with a problem in my life, a trusted friend gave me some perplexing advice. He said I just needed to "grow a pear." So, today I planted 3 pear trees ...... We'll see.
I have a client, in a dissolution case, who is a prominent, very well educated, licensed professional in his early 40s, as is his wife. Recently, among the other terrible things that happened, he began putting on blast vulnerable pictures and texts of my client that he had compiled over the marriage from the worst part of her life, including indecent photos, and he threw their children into the mix on social media, and allowed their teenage son to see the pictures of his mother. Thank you for the video. I have shared with my client, and truly hope awareness spreads in our society of how terrible this form of abuse is. It can happen to anyone, from any walk of life.
The overt co-worker started the smear campaign and, lucky me, joined forces with my covert boss. Three other coworkers also joined the party. All resulting in me being fired. Don't cry for me Argentina. I am wearing it like a badge of honor. My sincere wish is that everyone that has navigated such 'effery to heal and find their path to empowering themselves. *A very special shoutout to Dr. Ramani for creating a platform to facilitate the healing process for the targets of narcissistic abuse. Thank you!*
Ya, my narcissistic "mother" created a smear campaign against me to sabotage my relationships with both of my daughters. They believe that she is a sweet, generous, Christian Grandma that practically walks on water. They are completely unaware of her dual personality. Being the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic "mother" I have endured many years of gaslighting, minimizing, criticizing and judgment by her. I finally went no contact 4 months ago at age 64. I am devastated by the loss of a relationship with my daughters. I am a ghost to them now because of her. Thanks "mother" or rather "mommie dearest!!"
Me to am so sorry...adult son's father NPD, and thought I had lost him due to what I've recently concluded was parent alienation which is amazing considering so little time he had with 'dear old dad', but unbeknownst to me probably started when young...thought he was just a deadshit...devastated when pennies dropped...so yeah your kids are evrything...hopefully theyll see the truth...hard, my son still in denial/fog whatever, but all not lost.
I am going through this right now. Dr. Ramani, you are spot on every single point you make. I feel like I am going crazy, however after watching this....I FEEL so thankful you exist!!❤❤❤❤ I feel validated. Thank you for doing what you do ❤
The worst part is that there are no solutions. My own parents do smear campaigns on me whenever I don't agree with them. Thankfully, I have been in therapy since I was 14 years old, dealing with my narcissist mother. The only solution my therapists have had is MOVE AWAY. Lol I'm 34, in grad school to become a MFT and we are finally moving away this year.😂 better late than never lol
It will often happen at a time when the victim of the smear is at their most vulnerable too. Illness; loss of loved one; after natural disaster events where you lose everything… Be prepared - it is next level and hard to believe the toxicity and vitriol. Recognise the person/people for what they are; then cut off all possible information about you to pretty much anyone; go no contact if possible and work on knowing who you are. Be ok with you being you. Autonomy, individuation.
Absolutely correct. What my dysfunctional, toxic family did to me during the period my Mother was dying and eventually did Die, was absolutely unforgivable. Their master, my Narcissister, was their leader in executing pure EVIL toward me.
I wasted years, flutily putting out fires, and doing damage limitation, trying to be believed, heard and understood. This only fuelled the narcissist, and kept me playing their game. The smear campaign is a part damage limitation, part baiting to a narcissist, but it is also a way for the abuser to avoid suspicion, or being found out. Having been NC for almost 4 years, I no longer know about, or hear, or need to engage or defend myself against this smearing of my name. It might be useful to the narcissist to continue their avoidance of being held accountable, but I am no longer part of the equation, fuelling their supply, or staying stuck
This is what my brother in law's wife did to me and other women in her life. She planted seeds for years about me (and other females in the family and in her social groups) because she was jealous I married before she did. I confronted her, she apologized, we made nice and then her behavior changed again. I also began noticing my husband's siblings giving me the cold shoulder. I later learned she began lying about me, claiming I said things I never said. I even proved she was lying through a text and they still chose to believe her. So I said eff this and cut them out of my life. My husband and I haven't spoken to them for over a decade. They have hoovered almost every single year. I started realizing that I was experiencing cptsd because of them and looking back, I can now see all of the emotional and mental abuse they were causing me. The stress caused me to become physically sick. It was hell.
Be strong and courage, the Blows are hard to take! But in the process you are able to see who people really are. It's hurtful, but the payoff after you distance yourself from them feels Great! Truth always comes out without doing anything on your own behalf. Live your best life, move on, Thank God for your Freedom!
Absolutely! The freedom and contentment is so worth it. There are also people out there who know the narc is a rotten person. I had a conversation with an old neighbor who told me that she told my ex how intelligent I was and he just shrugged his shoulders. She said she knew my marriage was not good then, and said to me, "What kind of spouse isn't proud of their spouse when someone gives them a compliment?" Believe me some people can tell these narcs are horrible people. The funny thing is that the narc thinks he is fooling everyone, but he isn't.
Excellent, you just described my sister! After 50 years of letting all the abuse go over my head, I got tired of it. Then about 15 years ago the smear campaign started, family, some mutual friends, now my relationship with her daughter is not the same, (I used to be her favourite aunty!) The family and other friends friendship is still intact, these vile people don't always win. This video really helped, thank you!
Brilliant explanations and examples. They really do manipulate like a Special Ops force. "If you haven't gone through this, recognize that it's REAL, it's Harmful, it takes a tremendous Psychological Toll, and it can really sort of change the forward path of your life."
He abruptly discarded me AND then started a smear campaign. I can only guess that the smear campaign is / was an attempt to control a narrative that I was abusive and he had no option but to end the marriage. folks who knew both of us might think there was more to the situation then the story he told. Thirty years “together.” But I now know I was always alone in the relationship. It was my wishful thinking and decades of ignoring gaslighting and projection that made me think we were ever “together.”
Narcissistic sister in law has tried to do a horrific smear campaign against me because I expressed an opinion she doesn’t like, so she began spreading lies and turning my brother against me. Super messed up. Fortunately most people see the truth now. Wish my brother would ask me what happened rather than blindly believing her lies. The enablers are awful and expect me to pretend nothing happened so we can all be together as a family. Not ok. My whole family dynamic is so damaged. I will keep my boundaries to protect myself regardless of what they say. Lots of grief for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I've been experiencing something very similar. Others blindly believe and do not dare to even ask me to clarify. That is because they are not interested in the truth - only drama. The dynamics will never be the same again. Toxic to the core.
IT IS PATHETIC that the enablers always want the victim of HORRIFIC ABUSE to pretend as though nothing happened, no big deal, forgive, forgive, forgive. They never care about the severity of the trauma that they were part of all along.
This happened to me. I can not even begin to tell you how horrible it was, as my friends were peeled away from me one by one, it was almost like having my skin ripped away from my body. I had days when I wanted to end it all but I have my little dog and who would take care of him? It's still going on if I re awaken them to my existence, but I have been blessed with new friends that know what went on and not to fall for any of their garbage. It reminded me of a Bible passage "they meant it for evil, and God made it for good." That's how you overcome it, faith and the best revenge is living well. Sending out prays to all of you who have endured this treatment. You are a good person, your life will be good again and it may not take all that long either.
I experienced this. My oldest sister who is childless turned my daughters, nieces & nephews. She also put a will together and informed everyone what she was leaving to them. It almost killed me but 3 years later I have no relationships with anyone in my family any longer. It broke my heart and I went into a deep depression almost suicide. These folks are not worth my life any longer. I won’t bother any of them. I get panic attacks at the thought of being in the same room with her and others in the family. Dr. Ramini is spot on with what she says! The grief is awful and they still try to pull at my heart strings. I no longer have a relationship with my Grandchildren and that is what hurts the very most.
@@Notmyname-q6x That's awful. It's crazy what desperate people will do, it's been so terrible for me recently that close friends and family have told me to talk to the police. I never thought my relationship would end up here.
❤ Thank you Dr Ramani, for telling my story without ever meeting me! For your validation of truth that crowds the spaces of confusion, crazy, and self doubt. Grief is not only the final phase it is the constant with a narcissist.
I am dealing with this right now -- from both my remaining siblings. So very hard, but not really a shock. We are all in our 70’s. They are merely modeling what our father did. That does not justify it, I know, or make it easy. Frankly, it is exhausting. It really helps to see these videos. Please keep them coming.
I was really hurt when I discovered what was happening. Being accused by a spouse of the crimes actually committed against me just seemed cruel. After a bit it became old news and I was on the edge of my seat to hear what I was up to next, lol!
You are describing my life since I stood up to him on 10-4-22, then it turns into evil hatred towards me. Then he tells everyone I’m the one who caused this to happen. He rewrote the facts in February 2023 & that is when his image & like ability overruled any love or kindness my brother has ever shown me. The smear campaign has changed me, changed my openness, ability to make small talk, stolen my confidence, but I am here to say, I am determined to find me again. I pray everyday at noon for something in particular & when I’m done praying for a different matter, I pray for God to reveal the truth to everyone. And He will.
@@starletd.1673 what is done in the dark comes to the light. I pray these strongholds break and you leave those scumbags behind and emerge as a stronger version of yourself, that's what adversity can do for you. God bless 🙌🕊️
God bless you DoctorRamani! Yes, it takes along time to heal from this! They know when to do this! You may be taking time to heal from a trauma, so it’s compounded in order to destroy the other person! You get punched repeatedly on every side! They throw you into a pit so deep it takes years even decades to climb out! God, therapy and time will come! Taking care of one’s self by listening to God’s direction has been helping me to be the version of myself God intended! God is bringing people to work with in His time! Thank you, Thank you and Thank you!! 🙏❤️🕊🌟🎶🌹🎚️⚖️💞
She is 100% accurate 😢 I lived this when I filed from a divorce. Lived almost every detail. 3 years of therapy and I’m in much better place. Had already began new friend groups that didn’t know him, but he uncovered who some of them were and tried to smear me with them as well. However, the growth from it set me on the biggest healing journey of my life, finally caring for my inner child, and healing and resolving my significant childhood traumas some of which was from my narc mom. Thank you Dr. for putting this out there! You truly are doing a huge public service by informing people about this very complex topic about extremely toxic people. Very wicked and evil and flawed individuals.
It's especially sad when narcissists pit excellent, generous, caring people against each other. The profound loss it creates for each individual and the systems (social or professional or even political) is truly a loss for humanity. I appreciate this video.
The first person the narc smears you to is you. Don’t ever believe an abuser’s estimation of you. Get help, get out, and STAY out. It will NEVER stop and they will NEVER change.
Get out? What if she and her psychopathic parents has captured the kid, telling him lies ? Worse, if the kid is already mentally ill and they just continue the abuse ? I can' t just "get out" of this war, though I feel my powers are waning quite fast. Basic householding plus divorce paper fight over the kid can quite fast reach the limit of what one can do at all in such a situation. Not sure I will make it ever again into normal life. All friends gone. No one there to help, just the lawyer. Being able to get a job ever again after that kind of abuse? Forget it. Life is gone.
Your describing my family that’s why I haven’t spoke to them in 20 years and some longer , I broke off from all the toxicity and that made them mad cause I don’t go along with them. And I’m writing a book about everything I’ve been through and now they are really mad cause they know their secrets are going to be out .
Unknowingly choosing 3 narcissistic partners in a row has left me to endure 3 horrific smear campains in a small town. They were each worse than the abusive relationship itself, which is saying a LOT. This video was very helpful, thank you Saint Ramani!
Yes, my mother cut me off from the rest of my cousins with a smear campaign. So, out of 16 aunts & uncles and over 25 cousins I don’t have contact with any of them.
Yes to all of this, Family, Past In Laws, Friends, Co-Workers, Neighbor’s, and even Strangers. It’s definitely taken a terrible toll on my life that it feels like a deep tattoo on my heart and soul.
As someone who just got out of a week long online drama within my friend group, its so baffling that so many traits you mentioned and other narcissistic ones line up with the people who started the drama. I'm grateful for your insight.
Moved far away , the smear campaign never ends , I have no contact with people from my past , they will never listen to me , I miss none of them , and will never trust another person ever again
This is spot on. I found the disclosing of personal information and conversations gathered in a 30-year marriage most devastating. But I learned that if I went from person to person attempting to discover what was being shared, defending myself, and apologizing I remained under his power and actually appeared to affirm his accusations that I was mentally unstable and narcissistic. Walking through this experience meant I had to choose what relationships I valued most and work to repair those, while letting go of my need to have everyone know my side of the story. A hard process! I eventually arrived at this truth: crazy will eventually be revealed! My task was to not engage while also focusing on living true to myself. As his lies slid into the rearview mirror the persistent, frantic pace with which he attempted to keep the smear campaign going revealed his obsession and instability. Yes, great damage has been done, however having a growth mindset has taught me to learn from the experience and move forward. And yes, every once in a while I sit back and watch the show he has been keeping alive for a decade and grin. It must really suck to live a life focused on resurrecting old narratives. How good it feels to be free!
I am so grateful for your videos 😢. There are times when I think I am going crazy. Like...their behavior makes absolutely no sense to me and I must be the problem or that I am too dumb. Your videos have really saved me from spiralling into deep depression. Thank you so much ❤
Thank you for the video Dr Ramani! It’s one of the most frustrating and exasperating LONG TERM consequences of FINALLY learning boundaries and then enforcing them. And now I’m the “bad guy”! Infuriating! And if friends do not even tell me the lies that are being said!? I half want to know (because it’s a violation of the protection order for one thing!) but another big part of me just wishes it would be “the past”!!
@@lynylcullen8370 I read your comment about how your ex destroyed your finances and cost you your house. Wow that's good a tough pill to swallow I'm just learning about how others can take advantage and hurt in the deepest way and not miss a wink of sleep. Would be kind of to share your story if you aren't comfortable I will absolutely understand and I'm sorry you had such horrible things happen suck as having your heart broken then your house lost I'm sorry you had to go through such a tough ordeal
Dr Ramani please love yourself and have you own "ME" time too.. You've gained a lot of weight. We don't want to lose you to illnesses. Please take care of yourself. I know you are always there for us. Please be there for yourself too. Hugs. Love you to bits. Dr TA
This is sadly super accurate. It’s been 5 years of no contact or provocation from me, and my ex is STILL making passive aggressive videos & posts about me (what a terrible mother I was, how I was a monster who lied & stole from him, how I falsely accused him of abuse because I was “mad he broke up with me”) … it just never ends. I thought if I didn’t react & just went no contact it would eventually fizzle out… nope. He’s just careful to not use my name, but the smear campaign continues into its 6th year….
Yes. All of this. I've witnessed people disrespecting their spouses, in order to encourage others to either excuse their cheating behavior, or in an attempt to convince someone to become a part of the harem they want to compete for them. Their goal was clearly not to end their relationship with their spouse. Generally, they seek a scapegoat, to hide their behavior behind, and the scapegoat is usually targeted as long as possible, before separation occurs, and the scapegoat is freed.
True, but people who are free that are in a narcissistic relationship have the ability and choice to leave. Innocent people who were put in prison because of lies made by narcissists are in a mental and physical cage and can't get out. That's worse!
Well, no matter where you are in life, there are other people better off and worse off than you. But if you want inspiration read “The will to meaning”, about Victor Frankl’s time in a German concentration camp. The human mind can get through seemingly insurmountable odds. Just like Frankl’s captors, narcissists wrongly believe that they can imprison the human spirit.
@@youngblood8540 jeez, I hadn't even thought there might be people in prison as a part of narcissistic abuse!! That's truly awful. My mother caused me extreme distress, then called the men in white coats to have me 'committed'. It was part of her punishment, because I had the audacity to try and be my own person, with boundaries!! It also served to keep me trapped for years.
But if I knew you were innocent I would put in the work to help prove your innocence and encourage you. Put in the work means write the judge, inquire, Tru to find anything that could help
One can only feel sorry for these tormented souls.. Regardıng the smear campaign.. Eventually the truth will always comes to the surface.. Their artificial theatre eventually goes away..
Someone who doesn’t defend you when someone slanders you, is your enemy too.
Yes. I agree 💯
Agreed! ... and so other peoples' cowardice or lack of resolve is often your enemy.
Indeed 👍
@@Babeatrice I agree! I am healing from the betrayal of my previous bf and his daughter whom I loved and cared for more than then their own family ever did, yet he said and did nothing when she and her mom and grandmother launched a smear campaign against me based on 0 facts and all gaslighting ! Thanks for your comment . Bless you on your healing journey 💜🌟🙏🏼😇🕊💫
1,000 thumbs up
You also realize that over the years, the person who eventually did a smear on you was feeding you nonsense about other people as well.
I keep having to remind myself that my ex husband and his family trashed everyone at different times and repeatedly. It seems they cycled through some sort of mental list. I still can't fathom why they chose to waste so much valuable and irretrievable time in life on such anger, hatred and sick minded retaliation. Those loons talked about everybody behind their back and had a problem with literally everyone they ever got to know, even shortly after meeting them. I concluded these were miserable people consumed by self hatred.
Yes. It all became clear once she did it to me.
Yes! Exactly! Also trying to isolate you in this way from potentially healthy friendships you began going back to her saying they can be controlling
Omg 100%
🎯💯
A narcissist starting a smear campaign is not too surprising, but having friends you trusted believe lies and turning their back on you… that’s the worst part!
It hurts so bad
Yep, I agree.
Yes 😢😢😢
It really effing hurts. It's hard to recover from their betrayal. I never trust people, anymore.
...and sometimes one of them figures it out later, and comes back and wants to be your friend again.
Sorry. You discarded me for a Narky. Figure out your own friends.
Becoming the villain in her narrative is a low price to pay for my freedom.
Great attitude! Whew! New mantra!
The problem is when it is not just how you look, but it has an effect on your relationship with your children or your work environment. A work environment where you have been smeared is not a pleasant place to spend your day, to work effectively with others and to see your future positively.
@@qubex That is a commendable attitude and the one which I also have embraced! ☺️👍
My exact thoughts as well. Let them keep digging their own hole deeper and deeper.
I know that's real!
I had to leave an entire toxic family behind. There's no safety in a narcissistic family. No contact was my only option to keep my mental and physical health.
I‘m going to this right now.. My mom is telling everyone that I’m an awful person (obviously more discreet). I hope you doing well!
GREAT! I can understand, it might not have been easy, but the only option. Sometimes, the only options are the best ones to keep your mental peace and live your life, instead of just surviving.
@@dominic___7383I live this!
Same
Same but I’m in control of my life and getting better everyday ! My Narc did it all and still is TRYING to destroy me ! I will never let him , therapy family and close friends and moving away AND no contact is the way ! 💪💪💪💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💪💪💪💪💪💕💕.
I died a social death due to the smear campaign. Everyone had to go, including everyone that was ever affiliated with my toxic family. I disappeared off social media and moved very far away. After much therapy I am beginning to start to live again . At almost 50. For any person who has been through the same, my heart goes out to you.
It is the most evil thing the narc does imo. It's heartbreaking to see those we trusted swallow their bullshit - then advertise some of the personal details we shared with them as friends. I hope you are finding peace and freedom now.
As the scapegoat of a dysfunctional family I’ve had a lifelong smear campaign
You have my sympathy and my empathy too. I am in the same unenviable position and, pretty late in life, it has only recently become clear the full extent of it due to my mother dying. I also have the same from my ex. It's a lot to deal with but at least I am realising that's it's not all my fault and my 'badness'. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.
@@FergusGrant yeh, my mum is 81 and I'll be scared to go to her funeral. She's smeared me to all the relatives. So will I prove her right by not evening going to her funeral like the heartless abusive daughter I am? or do I go and face them all knowing they'll all thinking they're being stand up citizens giving me the silent treatment on her behalf. You mention an abusive x too. I ahve the same. I feel like the only way to have people in my life is to accept being put down /insulted and/or disregarded. The moment i set a few boundaries, asked the names to stop et cetera, instant DARVO, cold shouldering, smearing, triangulation
Sorry to hear that. I can empathise with you as it's been the same for me. I hope you're free of it now!
I grasp your hand, dear.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Don't go. That's what I think. Take a trip, be completely absent.
It's sad that most people will believe the lies but not the truth.
Because they're masters of manipulation, they manipulate constantly
Or just take someone's word for it without even bothering to ask questions/check if this is even true. Many people just go along with it and that is hurtful.
Proven again our politics and people still ignore the signs right in their face
That's the powerful influence narcs hv on people. They love it.
Too often, it's impossible to determine what the actual truth is because the information later given is twisted into a pretzel by severely manipulated revisionism.....if we weren't there to witness something from start to finish. People tell stories they way they want them to be known, not in the interest of accuracy---that would be way too ethical and moral.
"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."
A narcissist takes this to a whole other level.
@@kharper506 whats more irritating is that you feel that no one else sees what their doing, but u notice their ways and get even more frustrated. the best thing is to leave ! it only gets worse and more and more toxic.
@@kharper506 Did I write this? It’s spot on. They attack everything good about you and when you are successful in holding space for yourself and achieving some of your goals, they take credit for all of it. It’s baffling to witness.
@@saturdayschild8535you're just ungrateful
Yet so many people praise themselves in exactly the same way without even realising its not quite right.
Read this recently. The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him. (Proverbs 18:17, NASB)
I lost an entire community because of a smear campaign. Spent a year in terror. Blew my mind. Never thought such human evil existed. Thank God for such a revelation
Smear campaign may ruin lots of things but its a blessing in disguise and an ultimate test to your social circle. Imagine continuing to be in touch with all of those people who just believe any bad they are told about you.
Exactly. All of my true friends knew that he was talking a bunch of crap and didn't believe him. Out of all the people he smeared me to, only one believed him, and I distanced myself from that person because it showed they were not really my friend to begin with.
So true, it can help you clean house
So true
It’s not a blessing in disguise if it’s done to your career. Perception is reality in workplaces.
I've had a sibling run a smear campaign on me with our grandparents, parents, any - and all - of our relatives who would listen, and of entire hometown area. She's brutal. She'd seek out any new friend that I made, and destroy that relationship. She'd phone people that she had never met- complete strangers - just to try to destroy me. She would try to turn my boyfriends against me, and try to get me fired from my job. She was relentless- still is.
Narcs see others as either suckers or threats. If you were a “sucker” who stood up for yourself, you then become a threat.
When narcissists can’t handle criticism or get called out, they will spread lies and exaggerate details to save face. They do this to shift attention away from their own flaws and to make the other person look bad.
Agree. There are a few different reasons they employ the smear campaign, including damage limitation, and to bait and provoke you, to keep you working for them!
My God. She did this to me and I realized it was too late. She said the worst possible things about me to everyone and over a decade later people still believe her lies.
Exactly. Spot on.
so so true. it’s a feat to come out of the chaos they create.
My sister did this to me.
Lies are powerful when mixed with the truth.
Ah! True! If there is a morsel of truth in what they are spreading it makes me feel like I’m the “bad guy” even though there was a very dangerous and damaging action that led them to to the consequences of their behavior. Yes. He got arrested. Yes ..there is a restraining order. No. I’m not the bad guy. I’m the one who put boundaries in place FINALLY!
Makes u want to move far, far away...
Those are the most effective and impactful lies.
The ultimate tactics of demons!
Yes it is. When they make it so you deny the lie...but it looks like you're denying the truth.
My daughter is going through a smear campaign in a custody battle for her babies and she is having a horrible time. It’s abuse!
It’s definitely horrible! Such massive betrayal to have others believe the BS!
I hope she's seeking helping from a mental health professional who specializes in this sort of thing. The stress alone can cause her to become physically ill like it did to me. She needs a strong support system to help her through. Prayers for her and your family.
I’m so sorry for this. Stay strong.
Why is she divorcing her husband? 85% of divorces are filed by females.
This is exactly what the Latter-day Saintans did to me. Priesthood leaders with a vendetta. I was a convert to their cult and they used all of my previous life against me.
I learned early on to not talk to people about my issues. I try to deal with my issues on my own to avoid troubles from others. Ive become somewhat paranoid about relationships. This is sickening beyond measure. my own family I believe smeared me and it was nerve wrecking.
I feel you on this. I give the bare minimum of my life and only confide in GOD now. Most don't really care or will use it against you!
@@tinaleigh3273God knows our truth,and that is a balm.They cannot escape HIS justice,and they will have to give an account to Him, for every foul word & deed.
Amazes me how the one person, and one narcassist is all it takes, can literally fool so many people with lies and twisting the truth to make themselves look like the victim, yet the victim themselves can’t even defend themselves or raise their own voice, even just to be heard, without being made out to be the bad guy, despite these reactions being the effects of long term narc abuse and people just turn a blind eye to this. Unless there’s physical scars then we stand no chance of being believed or understood 🤷🏼♀️ 😔
This is absolutely true !!!
Yes! It's like an alternate reality. I've even discovered one of my adult children has recorded a phone conversation with me then cherry picked what he then used to frame me. That one really hurt.
Yes. It's heartbreaking to realise 😔
My daughter-in-law is experiencing this with a neighbor. It's so bad they have decided to move for the sake of their children. They would have stayed if the other neighbors had supported them, but they were too cowardly to stand up for what's right. Never underestimate a narcissist. They will go as low as they need to to stay in control.
The level of cruelty and vindictiveness they are capable of should never be underestimated.
I learned it first-hand. A double whammy. Both of my sisters...
That's one reason I never bought a house.
And never underestimate the docility of all the bystanders.
@@jans724 Great comment. Evil is allowed to continue because of docile bystanders.
14:32 this has been the hardest part for me.
it’s not just losing the one person that hurts, but losing the whole family and understanding that they would prefer to turn against me than offer support.
Same
@@dnk4559 ❤️🩹
😢
Yes. Family support is a myth in my eyes.
Those were never your people, it was all an act :((
I’m 3 1/2 years into attempting to get out of a 30 year marriage. The domestic violence shelter gave me advice back then that just paid back in dividends 3 days ago in court. Do NOT EVER erase a message, text, or email. My kids hated my guts. One day one of them broke into my phone and learned the truth and clued the other two in. And when he tried to smear me on court documents, I had YEARS of texts to prove he was a filthy lying, abusive bastard and he lost his ass.
Five years ago I was the victim of a smear campaign. It's still causing me problems. I know exactly who the narcissist was who did it is, but she was so convincing and conniving that she caused me to lose work. We were both self employed in the same line of work and because I was offered quite a positive opportunity instead of her she became insanely jealous and began to behave in strange ways. Showing up in places I was working when she had no business being there, filming me on her mobile, posting disgusting things on social media that were aimed at me but would do it in a way so I couldn't prove it. After a few weeks of this, I noticed I was getting less and less work and she was getting more. People I thought were friends, and had worked with for years stopped contacting me, and to this day they still avoid me. I have no idea what she was telling people but as Dr. Ramani said, no-one had the guts to actually ask me if what they were hearing was true or not. I am heartbroken because I have had to change my occupation and I used to love my work. I also became quite unwell because I knew I couldn't do anything to stop her. Narcissists are more than just bullies. They are dangerous people who will stoop to whatever means necessary to destroy you.
God Bless You. Be strong, never doubt yourself. I am praying for you. 😘🙏🏼🤍
As a
I've been there. It's rough. My own husband took over the business I built up for eight years. He quit his job and pushed himself in and then rumors started coming back to me. Terrible ones. No one believed him but I was still in love with him after 35 years and it hurt me bad. I didn't know he had been over me and basically dating for years. When I confronted him, he gave me a black eye. It shocked my system. Three years later I'm still holding my breath.
I never went back to my store, not even once. It feels tainted . He's running it now and I hear it's a mess. He also sold my rental house that I worked hard to buy. It was part of my retirement plan.
I'm cleaning a bar and a bonds office now. I don't have the energy to use my brain to start over with my own business again.
I hope this feeling doesn't last forever.
I'm having the same issue. However, so far I'm not comparing myself to them, and at the same time understanding the limitations of working in a toxic environment. I even mark the calendar with days when there is no drama. Sometimes I return various emails with "I'm on a "no drama" diet, so I am happy to talk about anything else." What has been my strength is having a long-distance friend validate and encourage me almost on a daily basis. OMG It makes all the difference!
Your success is their shame. I intend to keep trying for success so I also understand that it will never end. Knowing this lets me decide how much energy to spend on the situation.
@@lgarner9524Your Success is their shame. ✅spot ON.
From my experience with narcissists, the crowd is on their side, though I am the one being victimised. Then I am reminded intuitively that there is something higher that is on my side and in this I find solace. Therefore, I will continue to stand on the ground of principles rather than stoop to the narcissist’s level.
@@kaviding7551 I try to remember of that something higher than me but it’s been difficult. I’ve been hit so many times, in different circumstances in life. Wish I could get one person to support me!! But there isn’t!
Good on you. It's the most challenging part of the experience, but mastering it is a superpower. That we never stooped to their level says much about us.
The Smear Campaign cost me not only friends and family, it also cost me my 2 sons. It was deliberate and cruel. 15 years later our relationships still hasn't healed. The cruel part; he had an affair and destroyed the 20 years marriage.
You're right; he started before I even knew he was going to ask for a divorce. My complete social circle disappeared the day he asked for a divorce, I was completely isolated.
I am so sorry. This is terrible
They are evil monsters...
I'm in the situation when they're smearing me so hard my whole life, isolating me from anyone they can. "Magic" of dealing with people so pathological and pathetic that they don't even know what's normal.
I feel for you my narcissistic ex who iI ISN’T my daughters biological father destroyed my relationship with her. It’s truly so heartbreaking . It is a harsh lesson about who is really on your side. Love and hugs to you
This is just so sad. I’m so sorry for you. How these evil *astards get a way with their disgusting lies and behaviour I do not know. To brainwash and manipulate your children is the lowest of the low and so cruel 😢
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
@@thompsonlauren1004 you nailed this description! I also used to get… I did this bare minimum thing for you (put window washer in the car or loaded the dishwasher, etc. See? I’m not such a bad guy. Or I always do nice things for you (load dishwasher, gas up the car when HE is driving it) and I don’t get any appreciation around here… I do ALLLLL the work.
Narcissists have no concept of boundaries.
He smeared me to the police and the police didn’t recognise it. The inspector wrote, he said he treated you very well. Some police are so pathetic and incompetent. I have the transcript. I will confront him with the transcript when we’re in the court.
Attorneys Doctors, Hospitals they are not well trained enough unless they have been personally through this heap of insanity the narc creates
@@darlenealessio7609 Yes, but, some of them are taking their side because they are the same kind!!!
Someone beat me and she called the police.... saying something...I don't know what..police came to me asking what's going on I said it he said than. I see bears on the path. Delusional(?)
Well said!
I'm being smeared BY my narcissist police neighbor. Of course, the police don't lie, so everyone believes him.
This is next level triangulation. By the time his smear campaign was in full swing, his harem of enablers and jealous rivals were dripping with saliva over the morsels of poisonous lies he told. He’d groomed them to accept his garbage as if it was a delectable feast. I left them all to feed on one another.
Yes, the useful idiots, I later learned that they were just broken people and losers.
Well said; that's a vivid description.
Very powerful statements. I did the same.
"I left them all to feed on one another." Ooh, that is so good. I did the same. I moved a literal thousand miles away.
@@victoryamartin9773 Thank you! I am an author.
Reading the comments, I think Ive found my tribe. ❤
There is a new trend going on and they are calling it "gang stalking" .
Mobbing. Same thing.
My ex complained non-stop about our friends: D was too loud, L was pushy, P's kid was a brat, etc. Every social get-together was followed by him ranting all the way home about everyone's faults. I spent years defending our friends to him - I thought D was so fun, L had terrific energy, and P's kid was sweet. I always felt guilty that he was so charming to people's faces but so critical behind their backs.
Imagine my shock when I found out that he went to all of our friends immediately - lightning quick! - and told them that I thought D was too loud, L was pushy, etc., and he was SO RELIEVED to not have to keep my true opinions secret anymore! A few friends clued me in to what was happening, but 90% just ghosted me. It was surreal because it was word-for-word what HE had always said about them. My reputation was ruined. I lost a great career opportunity. It left me reeling.
I now live far away and am never ever going back.
I am so sorry. How heartbreaking. I too moved far, far away. The pain still reverberates though, even a literal thousand miles away.
@@AvecPoesie It took a while, but I've found happiness and peace. I wish you every happiness.
My mother launched a smear campaign against me because I went no contact
I am so sorry
Same
@@newmusicvibezdid you watch the whole video? The last thing she says-I believe it’s number 11. That’s the one that gets me
My Borderline mother did that to us when we were kids. She would act as if I was some kind of devil child and her toxic family believed her. Who believes something like that about a shy, quiet 7 year old? She began doing the same to my younger brother when he got older. Even if her sisters talk badly about us, she never defends us. Her sisters are evil too and they cause strife within the family.
@@saltycat662 The narcissist mother truly believes, and feels entitled to treat you like a defiant, selfish adult, when we are CHILDREN with legitimate needs. What's more, the smear campaign provokes us to defend ourselves and therefore keeping us hooked in
When you come to the reality of all this mess, you realize how sick & evil it is!! No wonder we become so protective of our lives!
I had this experience and it traumatized me for a long time. I didn’t have enough strength to combat the attack. I just retreated but the main thing that hurt was other people who gossiped too didn’t want to “take sides” but ultimately somehow sided with the person gossiping because I wasn’t there doing damage control. My thought was, that none of the things this person is gossiping about is true and just simply not in my character. I figured they would believe it because there is no record of me behaving like this ever. I was wrong.
I forgot how people will side with the bully so they feel like they won’t be next. Anyway, it still makes me angry at the person who did this to me, the people who didn’t stand up for me and myself for being paralyzed.
Hugs to you sis...be kind to yourself.💚💙🩵
Paralysis is a freeze response to being traumatized. In that state, you are cut off from rational thinking. In that state, all I could do was feel the pain and replay the tragic memories of being traumatized. There's no use being angry with yourself. You could not have done otherwise until you got past it and reacquainted with yourself.
Yes, it's a terrible way to find out who your real friends are
As I struggled with a problem in my life, a trusted friend gave me some perplexing advice. He said I just needed to "grow a pear." So, today I planted 3 pear trees ...... We'll see.
Pear trees are beautiful...
😂
Witty
Apparently, your friend hasn't been tested by God!
As I’ve struggled, I realized that chumming for sharks is messy business. In the end, the clever dolphins win! 😀🦈🐬🐬🐬
I have a client, in a dissolution case, who is a prominent, very well educated, licensed professional in his early 40s, as is his wife. Recently, among the other terrible things that happened, he began putting on blast vulnerable pictures and texts of my client that he had compiled over the marriage from the worst part of her life, including indecent photos, and he threw their children into the mix on social media, and allowed their teenage son to see the pictures of his mother. Thank you for the video. I have shared with my client, and truly hope awareness spreads in our society of how terrible this form of abuse is. It can happen to anyone, from any walk of life.
The overt co-worker started the smear campaign and, lucky me, joined forces with my covert boss. Three other coworkers also joined the party. All resulting in me being fired. Don't cry for me Argentina. I am wearing it like a badge of honor. My sincere wish is that everyone that has navigated such 'effery to heal and find their path to empowering themselves. *A very special shoutout to Dr. Ramani for creating a platform to facilitate the healing process for the targets of narcissistic abuse. Thank you!*
Similar thing happened to me, but COVID hit and we all went remote. It all quieted down and supervisor praised my work from home😂.
Dr. Ramani's work has truly saved me. I realized I wasn't alone or crazy.
Ya, my narcissistic "mother" created a smear campaign against me to sabotage my relationships with both of my daughters. They believe that she is a sweet, generous, Christian Grandma that practically walks on water. They are completely unaware of her dual personality. Being the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic "mother" I have endured many years of gaslighting, minimizing, criticizing and judgment by her. I finally went no contact 4 months ago at age 64. I am devastated by the loss of a relationship with my daughters. I am a ghost to them now because of her. Thanks "mother" or rather "mommie dearest!!"
I’m so very sorry. I think narcissistic mothers have got to be worse than narcissistic fathers.
Me to am so sorry...adult son's father NPD, and thought I had lost him due to what I've recently concluded was parent alienation which is amazing considering so little time he had with 'dear old dad', but unbeknownst to me probably started when young...thought he was just a deadshit...devastated when pennies dropped...so yeah your kids are evrything...hopefully theyll see the truth...hard, my son still in denial/fog whatever, but all not lost.
I am going through this right now. Dr. Ramani, you are spot on every single point you make. I feel like I am going crazy, however after watching this....I FEEL so thankful you exist!!❤❤❤❤ I feel validated. Thank you for doing what you do ❤
The worst part is that there are no solutions. My own parents do smear campaigns on me whenever I don't agree with them. Thankfully, I have been in therapy since I was 14 years old, dealing with my narcissist mother. The only solution my therapists have had is MOVE AWAY. Lol I'm 34, in grad school to become a MFT and we are finally moving away this year.😂 better late than never lol
Congrats on your career choice! May your painful experiences spark the empathy you'll need to be an excellent therapist.
This is a way to never recover from a nightmare.
Whoa. Tell us more? I don’t think I understand.
Do you mean - venting or ruminating about it on channels like these?
It will often happen at a time when the victim of the smear is at their most vulnerable too. Illness; loss of loved one; after natural disaster events where you lose everything…
Be prepared - it is next level and hard to believe the toxicity and vitriol.
Recognise the person/people for what they are; then cut off all possible information about you to pretty much anyone; go no contact if possible and work on knowing who you are. Be ok with you being you. Autonomy, individuation.
Absolutely correct. What my dysfunctional, toxic family did to me during the period my Mother was dying and eventually did Die, was absolutely unforgivable. Their master, my Narcissister, was their leader in executing pure EVIL toward me.
I wasted years, flutily putting out fires, and doing damage limitation, trying to be believed, heard and understood. This only fuelled the narcissist, and kept me playing their game. The smear campaign is a part damage limitation, part baiting to a narcissist, but it is also a way for the abuser to avoid suspicion, or being found out. Having been NC for almost 4 years, I no longer know about, or hear, or need to engage or defend myself against this smearing of my name. It might be useful to the narcissist to continue their avoidance of being held accountable, but I am no longer part of the equation, fuelling their supply, or staying stuck
This is what my brother in law's wife did to me and other women in her life. She planted seeds for years about me (and other females in the family and in her social groups) because she was jealous I married before she did. I confronted her, she apologized, we made nice and then her behavior changed again. I also began noticing my husband's siblings giving me the cold shoulder. I later learned she began lying about me, claiming I said things I never said. I even proved she was lying through a text and they still chose to believe her. So I said eff this and cut them out of my life. My husband and I haven't spoken to them for over a decade. They have hoovered almost every single year. I started realizing that I was experiencing cptsd because of them and looking back, I can now see all of the emotional and mental abuse they were causing me. The stress caused me to become physically sick. It was hell.
I feel you! I have experienced similar issues! Be well.
Be strong and courage, the Blows are hard to take! But in the process you are able to see who people really are. It's hurtful, but the payoff after you distance yourself from them feels Great! Truth always comes out without doing anything on your own behalf. Live your best life, move on, Thank God for your Freedom!
Absolutely! The freedom and contentment is so worth it. There are also people out there who know the narc is a rotten person. I had a conversation with an old neighbor who told me that she told my ex how intelligent I was and he just shrugged his shoulders. She said she knew my marriage was not good then, and said to me, "What kind of spouse isn't proud of their spouse when someone gives them a compliment?" Believe me some people can tell these narcs are horrible people. The funny thing is that the narc thinks he is fooling everyone, but he isn't.
Exactly
As victim of smear campaigns this resonates so much agree it destroyed the social structure.
Excellent, you just described my sister! After 50 years of letting all the abuse go over my head, I got tired of it. Then about 15 years ago the smear campaign started, family, some mutual friends, now my relationship with her daughter is not the same, (I used to be her favourite aunty!) The family and other friends friendship is still intact, these vile people don't always win. This video really helped, thank you!
Unfortunately, CAN relate.thank you SO SO much for all the videos you share.very helpful..learned ALOT
Is there any chance on a video about how to deal with such a situation? Please, please, please :)
I feel so validated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
I am still going through this hell even after 20 years of being discarded. This is demonic hell 👿😡. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏😇👑👋🙌🇯🇲👍
Brilliant explanations and examples. They really do manipulate like a Special Ops force. "If you haven't gone through this, recognize that it's REAL, it's Harmful, it takes a tremendous Psychological Toll, and it can really sort of change the forward path of your life."
It’s the betrayal of friends and family that does the most psychological harm
He abruptly discarded me AND then started a smear campaign. I can only guess that the smear campaign is / was an attempt to control a narrative that I was abusive and he had no option but to end the marriage. folks who knew both of us might think there was more to the situation then the story he told. Thirty years “together.” But I now know I was always alone in the relationship. It was my wishful thinking and decades of ignoring gaslighting and projection that made me think we were ever “together.”
Narcissistic sister in law has tried to do a horrific smear campaign against me because I expressed an opinion she doesn’t like, so she began spreading lies and turning my brother against me. Super messed up. Fortunately most people see the truth now. Wish my brother would ask me what happened rather than blindly believing her lies. The enablers are awful and expect me to pretend nothing happened so we can all be together as a family. Not ok. My whole family dynamic is so damaged. I will keep my boundaries to protect myself regardless of what they say. Lots of grief for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I've been experiencing something very similar. Others blindly believe and do not dare to even ask me to clarify. That is because they are not interested in the truth - only drama. The dynamics will never be the same again. Toxic to the core.
IT IS PATHETIC that the enablers always want the victim of HORRIFIC ABUSE to pretend as though nothing happened, no big deal, forgive, forgive, forgive. They never care about the severity of the trauma that they were part of all along.
This happened to me. I can not even begin to tell you how horrible it was, as my friends were peeled away from me one by one, it was almost like having my skin ripped away from my body. I had days when I wanted to end it all but I have my little dog and who would take care of him? It's still going on if I re awaken them to my existence, but I have been blessed with new friends that know what went on and not to fall for any of their garbage. It reminded me of a Bible passage "they meant it for evil, and God made it for good." That's how you overcome it, faith and the best revenge is living well. Sending out prays to all of you who have endured this treatment. You are a good person, your life will be good again and it may not take all that long either.
I experienced this. My oldest sister who is childless turned my daughters, nieces & nephews. She also put a will together and informed everyone what she was leaving to them. It almost killed me but 3 years later I have no relationships with anyone in my family any longer. It broke my heart and I went into a deep depression almost suicide.
These folks are not worth my life any longer. I won’t bother any of them. I get panic attacks at the thought of being in the same room with her and others in the family. Dr. Ramini is spot on with what she says! The grief is awful and they still try to pull at my heart strings. I no longer have a relationship with my Grandchildren and that is what hurts the very most.
I’m so sorry 😢, that’s my worst nightmare!
It amazes me the lies they believe to be true. I'm am so glad i got away from it.
The most hurtful is when the narc says that you said things they actually said!
I woke up to find out that I passed away 9months after leaving the relationship. Posting my picture with broken heart and sad face
@@Notmyname-q6x That's awful. It's crazy what desperate people will do, it's been so terrible for me recently that close friends and family have told me to talk to the police. I never thought my relationship would end up here.
Smear campaigns tie in heavily with crazy-making.
❤ Thank you Dr Ramani, for telling my story without ever meeting me! For your validation of truth that crowds the spaces of confusion, crazy, and self doubt. Grief is not only the final phase it is the constant with a narcissist.
It is a very long and lonely hard road. Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is helpful.
So spot on , it’s divine. Your insight and truth. Many many thanks. 🙏🙏🙏
I am dealing with this right now -- from both my remaining siblings. So very hard, but not really a shock. We are all in our 70’s. They are merely modeling what our father did. That does not justify it, I know, or make it easy. Frankly, it is exhausting. It really helps to see these videos. Please keep them coming.
My siblings too have carried on our father’s tradition of scapegoat abuse! So very painful to let them all go.
Extremely hard. I’m going through it too. It’s on another level. Only God can help us through it because super natural powers are needed!
I was really hurt when I discovered what was happening. Being accused by a spouse of the crimes actually committed against me just seemed cruel. After a bit it became old news and I was on the edge of my seat to hear what I was up to next, lol!
This is where I want to be. Keep them coming Doc.
You’re the lighthouse guiding me home to shore❤❤❤❤
I'm grateful for your priceless understanding and advice! ❤
You are describing my life since I stood up to him on 10-4-22, then it turns into evil hatred towards me. Then he tells everyone I’m the one who caused this to happen. He rewrote the facts in February 2023 & that is when his image & like ability overruled any love or kindness my brother has ever shown me.
The smear campaign has changed me, changed my openness, ability to make small talk, stolen my confidence, but I am here to say, I am determined to find me again. I pray everyday at noon for something in particular & when I’m done praying for a different matter, I pray for God to reveal the truth to everyone. And He will.
@@starletd.1673 what is done in the dark comes to the light. I pray these strongholds break and you leave those scumbags behind and emerge as a stronger version of yourself, that's what adversity can do for you. God bless 🙌🕊️
God bless you DoctorRamani!
Yes, it takes along time to heal from this!
They know when to do this!
You may be taking time to heal from a trauma, so it’s compounded in order to destroy the other person!
You get punched repeatedly on every side!
They throw you into a pit so deep it takes years even decades to climb out!
God, therapy and time will come!
Taking care of one’s self by listening to God’s direction has been helping me to be the version of myself God intended!
God is bringing people to work with in His time!
Thank you, Thank you and Thank you!!
🙏❤️🕊🌟🎶🌹🎚️⚖️💞
She is 100% accurate 😢 I lived this when I filed from a divorce. Lived almost every detail. 3 years of therapy and I’m in much better place. Had already began new friend groups that didn’t know him, but he uncovered who some of them were and tried to smear me with them as well. However, the growth from it set me on the biggest healing journey of my life, finally caring for my inner child, and healing and resolving my significant childhood traumas some of which was from my narc mom. Thank you Dr. for putting this out there! You truly are doing a huge public service by informing people about this very complex topic about extremely toxic people. Very wicked and evil and flawed individuals.
It's especially sad when narcissists pit excellent, generous, caring people against each other. The profound loss it creates for each individual and the systems (social or professional or even political) is truly a loss for humanity. I appreciate this video.
Being unable to regulate your emotions has broad consequences!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
The first person the narc smears you to is you. Don’t ever believe an abuser’s estimation of you. Get help, get out, and STAY out. It will NEVER stop and they will NEVER change.
Get out? What if she and her psychopathic parents has captured the kid, telling him lies ? Worse, if the kid is already mentally ill and they just continue the abuse ? I can' t just "get out" of this war, though I feel my powers are waning quite fast. Basic householding plus divorce paper fight over the kid can quite fast reach the limit of what one can do at all in such a situation. Not sure I will make it ever again into normal life. All friends gone. No one there to help, just the lawyer. Being able to get a job ever again after that kind of abuse? Forget it. Life is gone.
G'day Dr Ramani.🐨
❤❤❤ thank you.
This was what was the worst : That my sister did not tell me or ask me when he made contact with her and told her things that weren’t true.
Dr. this is awful stuff these narcissists are doing to beautiful, loving people.
Your describing my family that’s why I haven’t spoke to them in 20 years and some longer , I broke off from all the toxicity and that made them mad cause I don’t go along with them. And I’m writing a book about everything I’ve been through and now they are really mad cause they know their secrets are going to be out .
Unknowingly choosing 3 narcissistic partners in a row has left me to endure 3 horrific smear campains in a small town. They were each worse than the abusive relationship itself, which is saying a LOT.
This video was very helpful, thank you Saint Ramani!
Good morning
Dr. Ramani,
🌞 ☀️ 🌤 🌅
Wishing y'all a blessed day ahead 🙏
Namaste 🙏
🌙 🌚 🌔 🌕 🌖🌛
8 yrs and I am still going thru it
My sympathy ♡. The smear campaign began twelve years ago with my sil and got new life from my sister nearly four years ago.
Yes, my mother cut me off from the rest of my cousins with a smear campaign. So, out of 16 aunts & uncles and over 25 cousins I don’t have contact with any of them.
Loved this video dr ramani you're understanding of narcissism is just wow....❤
This is the most beautiful person I've found along this journey. Beautiful in mind, body and spirit.
Great color on you, Dr Ramani.
Yes to all of this, Family, Past In Laws, Friends, Co-Workers, Neighbor’s, and even Strangers. It’s definitely taken a terrible toll on my life that it feels like a deep tattoo on my heart and soul.
As someone who just got out of a week long online drama within my friend group, its so baffling that so many traits you mentioned and other narcissistic ones line up with the people who started the drama. I'm grateful for your insight.
Moved far away , the smear campaign never ends , I have no contact with people from my past , they will never listen to me , I miss none of them , and will never trust another person ever again
This is spot on. I found the disclosing of personal information and conversations gathered in a 30-year marriage most devastating. But I learned that if I went from person to person attempting to discover what was being shared, defending myself, and apologizing I remained under his power and actually appeared to affirm his accusations that I was mentally unstable and narcissistic. Walking through this experience meant I had to choose what relationships I valued most and work to repair those, while letting go of my need to have everyone know my side of the story. A hard process! I eventually arrived at this truth: crazy will eventually be revealed! My task was to not engage while also focusing on living true to myself. As his lies slid into the rearview mirror the persistent, frantic pace with which he attempted to keep the smear campaign going revealed his obsession and instability. Yes, great damage has been done, however having a growth mindset has taught me to learn from the experience and move forward. And yes, every once in a while I sit back and watch the show he has been keeping alive for a decade and grin. It must really suck to live a life focused on resurrecting old narratives. How good it feels to be free!
Have experienced it from family, coworkers, housemates and even here at the RV park
I am so grateful for your videos 😢. There are times when I think I am going crazy. Like...their behavior makes absolutely no sense to me and I must be the problem or that I am too dumb. Your videos have really saved me from spiralling into deep depression. Thank you so much ❤
Thank you for the video Dr Ramani! It’s one of the most frustrating and exasperating LONG TERM consequences of FINALLY learning boundaries and then enforcing them.
And now I’m the “bad guy”! Infuriating! And if friends do not even tell me the lies that are being said!? I half want to know (because it’s a violation of the protection order for one thing!) but another big part of me just wishes it would be “the past”!!
@@lynylcullen8370 I read your comment about how your ex destroyed your finances and cost you your house. Wow that's good a tough pill to swallow I'm just learning about how others can take advantage and hurt in the deepest way and not miss a wink of sleep. Would be kind of to share your story if you aren't comfortable I will absolutely understand and I'm sorry you had such horrible things happen suck as having your heart broken then your house lost I'm sorry you had to go through such a tough ordeal
Dr Ramani please love yourself and have you own "ME" time too.. You've gained a lot of weight. We don't want to lose you to illnesses. Please take care of yourself. I know you are always there for us. Please be there for yourself too. Hugs. Love you to bits.
Dr TA
This is sadly super accurate. It’s been 5 years of no contact or provocation from me, and my ex is STILL making passive aggressive videos & posts about me (what a terrible mother I was, how I was a monster who lied & stole from him, how I falsely accused him of abuse because I was “mad he broke up with me”) … it just never ends. I thought if I didn’t react & just went no contact it would eventually fizzle out… nope. He’s just careful to not use my name, but the smear campaign continues into its 6th year….
Just Wow! These people spend their whole life ruining the good names of those who loved and helped them.
Dr Ramini, please do a video on what to do if you want to defend yourself against such a smear campaign.
Thank you Dr Ramani and community.
Yes. All of this. I've witnessed people disrespecting their spouses, in order to encourage others to either excuse their cheating behavior, or in an attempt to convince someone to become a part of the harem they want to compete for them. Their goal was clearly not to end their relationship with their spouse. Generally, they seek a scapegoat, to hide their behavior behind, and the scapegoat is usually targeted as long as possible, before separation occurs, and the scapegoat is freed.
When you think your life sucks. There's always someone else who's life is worse, like an innocent person in prison.
While you are being narcissistically abused, you yourself are essentially an innocent person, in a horrific prison
True, but people who are free that are in a narcissistic relationship have the ability and choice to leave. Innocent people who were put in prison because of lies made by narcissists are in a mental and physical cage and can't get out. That's worse!
Well, no matter where you are in life, there are other people better off and worse off than you. But if you want inspiration read “The will to meaning”, about Victor Frankl’s time in a German concentration camp. The human mind can get through seemingly insurmountable odds. Just like Frankl’s captors, narcissists wrongly believe that they can imprison the human spirit.
@@youngblood8540 jeez, I hadn't even thought there might be people in prison as a part of narcissistic abuse!! That's truly awful. My mother caused me extreme distress, then called the men in white coats to have me 'committed'. It was part of her punishment, because I had the audacity to try and be my own person, with boundaries!! It also served to keep me trapped for years.
But if I knew you were innocent I would put in the work to help prove your innocence and encourage you. Put in the work means write the judge, inquire, Tru to find anything that could help
I went through this at a job and I left out of frustration. It is someone I worked with and had to find a common ground but he sold me down the road
One can only feel sorry for these tormented souls.. Regardıng the smear campaign.. Eventually the truth will always comes to the surface.. Their artificial theatre eventually goes away..
I needed to listen the video one more time. lt is a good one. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤