The anatomy of a smear campaign
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Someone who doesn’t defend you when someone slanders you, is your enemy too.
Yes. I agree 💯
Agreed! ... and so other peoples' cowardice or lack of resolve is often your enemy.
💯 in fact, they were only looking for a reason to hate a person.
Indeed 👍
@@Babeatrice I agree! I am healing from the betrayal of my previous bf and his daughter whom I loved and cared for more than then their own family ever did, yet he said and did nothing when she and her mom and grandmother launched a smear campaign against me based on 0 facts and all gaslighting ! Thanks for your comment . Bless you on your healing journey 💜🌟🙏🏼😇🕊💫
Becoming the villain in her narrative is a low price to pay for my freedom.
Great attitude! Whew! New mantra!
The problem is when it is not just how you look, but it has an effect on your relationship with your children or your work environment. A work environment where you have been smeared is not a pleasant place to spend your day, to work effectively with others and to see your future positively.
@@qubex That is a commendable attitude and the one which I also have embraced! ☺️👍
My exact thoughts as well. Let them keep digging their own hole deeper and deeper.
I know that's real!
As the scapegoat of a dysfunctional family I’ve had a lifelong smear campaign
You have my sympathy and my empathy too. I am in the same unenviable position and, pretty late in life, it has only recently become clear the full extent of it due to my mother dying. I also have the same from my ex. It's a lot to deal with but at least I am realising that's it's not all my fault and my 'badness'. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.
@@FergusGrant yeh, my mum is 81 and I'll be scared to go to her funeral. She's smeared me to all the relatives. So will I prove her right by not evening going to her funeral like the heartless abusive daughter I am? or do I go and face them all knowing they'll all thinking they're being stand up citizens giving me the silent treatment on her behalf. You mention an abusive x too. I ahve the same. I feel like the only way to have people in my life is to accept being put down /insulted and/or disregarded. The moment i set a few boundaries, asked the names to stop et cetera, instant DARVO, cold shouldering, smearing, triangulation
Sorry to hear that. I can empathise with you as it's been the same for me. I hope you're free of it now!
I grasp your hand, dear.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Don't go. That's what I think. Take a trip, be completely absent.
You also realize that over the years, the person who eventually did a smear on you was feeding you nonsense about other people as well.
I keep having to remind myself that my ex husband and his family trashed everyone at different times and repeatedly. It seems they cycled through some sort of mental list. I still can't fathom why they chose to waste so much valuable and irretrievable time in life on such anger, hatred and sick minded retaliation. Those loons talked about everybody behind their back and had a problem with literally everyone they ever got to know, even shortly after meeting them. I concluded these were miserable people consumed by self hatred.
Yes. It all became clear once she did it to me.
Yes! Exactly! Also trying to isolate you in this way from potentially healthy friendships you began going back to her saying they can be controlling
Omg 100%
🎯💯
"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."
A narcissist takes this to a whole other level.
@@kharper506 whats more irritating is that you feel that no one else sees what their doing, but u notice their ways and get even more frustrated. the best thing is to leave ! it only gets worse and more and more toxic.
@@kharper506 Did I write this? It’s spot on. They attack everything good about you and when you are successful in holding space for yourself and achieving some of your goals, they take credit for all of it. It’s baffling to witness.
@@saturdayschild8535you're just ungrateful
Yet so many people praise themselves in exactly the same way without even realising its not quite right.
I had to leave an entire toxic family behind. There's no safety in a narcissistic family. No contact was my only option to keep my mental and physical health.
I‘m going to this right now.. My mom is telling everyone that I’m an awful person (obviously more discreet). I hope you doing well!
GREAT! I can understand, it might not have been easy, but the only option. Sometimes, the only options are the best ones to keep your mental peace and live your life, instead of just surviving.
@@dominic___7383I live this!
Same
Same but I’m in control of my life and getting better everyday ! My Narc did it all and still is TRYING to destroy me ! I will never let him , therapy family and close friends and moving away AND no contact is the way ! 💪💪💪💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💪💪💪💪💪💕💕.
A narcissist starting a smear campaign is not too surprising, but having friends you trusted believe lies and turning their back on you… that’s the worst part!
It hurts so bad
Yep, I agree.
Yes 😢😢😢
It really effing hurts. It's hard to recover from their betrayal. I never trust people, anymore.
...and sometimes one of them figures it out later, and comes back and wants to be your friend again.
Sorry. You discarded me for a Narky. Figure out your own friends.
It's sad that most people will believe the lies but not the truth.
Because they're masters of manipulation, they manipulate constantly
Or just take someone's word for it without even bothering to ask questions/check if this is even true. Many people just go along with it and that is hurtful.
Proven again our politics and people still ignore the signs right in their face
That's the powerful influence narcs hv on people. They love it.
Too often, it's impossible to determine what the actual truth is because the information later given is twisted into a pretzel by severely manipulated revisionism.....if we weren't there to witness something from start to finish. People tell stories they way they want them to be known, not in the interest of accuracy---that would be way too ethical and moral.
Smear campaign may ruin lots of things but its a blessing in disguise and an ultimate test to your social circle. Imagine continuing to be in touch with all of those people who just believe any bad they are told about you.
Exactly. All of my true friends knew that he was talking a bunch of crap and didn't believe him. Out of all the people he smeared me to, only one believed him, and I distanced myself from that person because it showed they were not really my friend to begin with.
So true, it can help you clean house
Narcs see others as either suckers or threats. If you were a “sucker” who stood up for yourself, you then become a threat.
I lost an entire community because of a smear campaign. Spent a year in terror. Blew my mind. Never thought such human evil existed. Thank God for such a revelation
Lies are powerful when mixed with the truth.
Ah! True! If there is a morsel of truth in what they are spreading it makes me feel like I’m the “bad guy” even though there was a very dangerous and damaging action that led them to to the consequences of their behavior. Yes. He got arrested. Yes ..there is a restraining order. No. I’m not the bad guy. I’m the one who put boundaries in place FINALLY!
Makes u want to move far, far away...
Those are the most effective and impactful lies.
The ultimate tactics of demons!
Yes it is. When they make it so you deny the lie...but it looks like you're denying the truth.
When narcissists can’t handle criticism or get called out, they will spread lies and exaggerate details to save face. They do this to shift attention away from their own flaws and to make the other person look bad.
Agree. There are a few different reasons they employ the smear campaign, including damage limitation, and to bait and provoke you, to keep you working for them!
My God. She did this to me and I realized it was too late. She said the worst possible things about me to everyone and over a decade later people still believe her lies.
Exactly. Spot on.
so so true. it’s a feat to come out of the chaos they create.
My sister did this to me.
Narcissists have no concept of boundaries.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
@@thompsonlauren1004 you nailed this description! I also used to get… I did this bare minimum thing for you (put window washer in the car or loaded the dishwasher, etc. See? I’m not such a bad guy. Or I always do nice things for you (load dishwasher, gas up the car when HE is driving it) and I don’t get any appreciation around here… I do ALLLLL the work.
I learned early on to not talk to people about my issues. I try to deal with my issues on my own to avoid troubles from others. Ive become somewhat paranoid about relationships. This is sickening beyond measure. my own family I believe smeared me and it was nerve wrecking.
I feel you on this. I give the bare minimum of my life and only confide in GOD now. Most don't really care or will use it against you!
Five years ago I was the victim of a smear campaign. It's still causing me problems. I know exactly who the narcissist was who did it is, but she was so convincing and conniving that she caused me to lose work. We were both self employed in the same line of work and because I was offered quite a positive opportunity instead of her she became insanely jealous and began to behave in strange ways. Showing up in places I was working when she had no business being there, filming me on her mobile, posting disgusting things on social media that were aimed at me but would do it in a way so I couldn't prove it. After a few weeks of this, I noticed I was getting less and less work and she was getting more. People I thought were friends, and had worked with for years stopped contacting me, and to this day they still avoid me. I have no idea what she was telling people but as Dr. Ramani said, no-one had the guts to actually ask me if what they were hearing was true or not. I am heartbroken because I have had to change my occupation and I used to love my work. I also became quite unwell because I knew I couldn't do anything to stop her. Narcissists are more than just bullies. They are dangerous people who will stoop to whatever means necessary to destroy you.
God Bless You. Be strong, never doubt yourself. I am praying for you. 😘🙏🏼🤍
As a
I've been there. It's rough. My own husband took over the business I built up for eight years. He quit his job and pushed himself in and then rumors started coming back to me. Terrible ones. No one believed him but I was still in love with him after 35 years and it hurt me bad. I didn't know he had been over me and basically dating for years. When I confronted him, he gave me a black eye. It shocked my system. Three years later I'm still holding my breath.
I never went back to my store, not even once. It feels tainted . He's running it now and I hear it's a mess. He also sold my rental house that I worked hard to buy. It was part of my retirement plan.
I'm cleaning a bar and a bonds office now. I don't have the energy to use my brain to start over with my own business again.
I hope this feeling doesn't last forever.
I'm having the same issue. However, so far I'm not comparing myself to them, and at the same time understanding the limitations of working in a toxic environment. I even mark the calendar with days when there is no drama. Sometimes I return various emails with "I'm on a "no drama" diet, so I am happy to talk about anything else." What has been my strength is having a long-distance friend validate and encourage me almost on a daily basis. OMG It makes all the difference!
Your success is their shame. I intend to keep trying for success so I also understand that it will never end. Knowing this lets me decide how much energy to spend on the situation.
@@lgarner9524Your Success is their shame. ✅spot ON.
Amazes me how the one person, and one narcassist is all it takes, can literally fool so many people with lies and twisting the truth to make themselves look like the victim, yet the victim themselves can’t even defend themselves or raise their own voice, even just to be heard, without being made out to be the bad guy, despite these reactions being the effects of long term narc abuse and people just turn a blind eye to this. Unless there’s physical scars then we stand no chance of being believed or understood 🤷🏼♀️ 😔
This is absolutely true !!!
Yes! It's like an alternate reality. I've even discovered one of my adult children has recorded a phone conversation with me then cherry picked what he then used to frame me. That one really hurt.
From my experience with narcissists, the crowd is on their side, though I am the one being victimised. Then I am reminded intuitively that there is something higher that is on my side and in this I find solace. Therefore, I will continue to stand on the ground of principles rather than stoop to the narcissist’s level.
@@kaviding7551 I try to remember of that something higher than me but it’s been difficult. I’ve been hit so many times, in different circumstances in life. Wish I could get one person to support me!! But there isn’t!
14:32 this has been the hardest part for me.
it’s not just losing the one person that hurts, but losing the whole family and understanding that they would prefer to turn against me than offer support.
Same
@@dnk4559 ❤️🩹
😢
Yes. Family support is a myth in my eyes.
Those were never your people, it was all an act :((
My daughter is going through a smear campaign in a custody battle for her babies and she is having a horrible time. It’s abuse!
It’s definitely horrible! Such massive betrayal to have others believe the BS!
I hope she's seeking helping from a mental health professional who specializes in this sort of thing. The stress alone can cause her to become physically ill like it did to me. She needs a strong support system to help her through. Prayers for her and your family.
I’m so sorry for this. Stay strong.
Why is she divorcing her husband? 85% of divorces are filed by females.
This is exactly what the Latter-day Saintans did to me. Priesthood leaders with a vendetta. I was a convert to their cult and they used all of my previous life against me.
The Smear Campaign cost me not only friends and family, it also cost me my 2 sons. It was deliberate and cruel. 15 years later our relationships still hasn't healed. The cruel part; he had an affair and destroyed the 20 years marriage.
You're right; he started before I even knew he was going to ask for a divorce. My complete social circle disappeared the day he asked for a divorce, I was completely isolated.
I am so sorry. This is terrible
They are evil monsters...
I'm in the situation when they're smearing me so hard my whole life, isolating me from anyone they can. "Magic" of dealing with people so pathological and pathetic that they don't even know what's normal.
I feel for you my narcissistic ex who iI ISN’T my daughters biological father destroyed my relationship with her. It’s truly so heartbreaking . It is a harsh lesson about who is really on your side. Love and hugs to you
This is just so sad. I’m so sorry for you. How these evil *astards get a way with their disgusting lies and behaviour I do not know. To brainwash and manipulate your children is the lowest of the low and so cruel 😢
My daughter-in-law is experiencing this with a neighbor. It's so bad they have decided to move for the sake of their children. They would have stayed if the other neighbors had supported them, but they were too cowardly to stand up for what's right. Never underestimate a narcissist. They will go as low as they need to to stay in control.
Had abusive,bullying neighbors,& their grown children,and the bullies' allies.
The level of cruelty and vindictiveness they are capable of should never be underestimated.
I learned it first-hand. A double whammy. Both of my sisters...
That's one reason I never bought a house.
And never underestimate the docility of all the bystanders.
My mother launched a smear campaign against me because I went no contact
I am so sorry
Same
@@newmusicvibezdid you watch the whole video? The last thing she says-I believe it’s number 11. That’s the one that gets me
My Borderline mother did that to us when we were kids. She would act as if I was some kind of devil child and her toxic family believed her. Who believes something like that about a shy, quiet 7 year old? She began doing the same to my younger brother when he got older. Even if her sisters talk badly about us, she never defends us. Her sisters are evil too and they cause strife within the family.
@@saltycat662 The narcissist mother truly believes, and feels entitled to treat you like a defiant, selfish adult, when we are CHILDREN with legitimate needs. What's more, the smear campaign provokes us to defend ourselves and therefore keeping us hooked in
I have dealt with this for years from a sibling. I had no idea this sibling was behind it all. Intense! Unending! No boundaries with this.
I believe you, I have been through the hell of it, corrupted family members, work environment, I'm shocked those steadfast and through me under the bus. in our everyday lives it's there, Tennessee Williams wrote Cat on a Hot Tin Roof this writer had experience more than imagination. In the Bible, its written the stories of hateful men, women, against their family children wives East of Eden. OUR Civil system needs training in recognizing these individuals, the courts don't see it, the attorneys, law enforcement, it's noted in their depositions what is done NOTHING countless years of attorney fees to say stop I've learned enough I know what how who, that's plenty you need nothing more, nothing matters than the TRUTH, TRANSPARENCY, save yourself, your nest egg what's left and MOVE ON they are not worth your health nor your soul something they don't have.
I'm so sorry your sibling is so awful to you!
@@bethj9952 Me too, my friend. What are we all doing if our efforts and energy is going toward hate and vengeance?
I’m so sorry, me too. I have lost both of my siblings because of it. One who is abusive and the other who fully supports it.
Same. My sister.
This is next level triangulation. By the time his smear campaign was in full swing, his harem of enablers and jealous rivals were dripping with saliva over the morsels of poisonous lies he told. He’d groomed them to accept his garbage as if it was a delectable feast. I left them all to feed on one another.
Yes, the useful idiots, I later learned that they were just broken people and losers.
Well said; that's a vivid description.
Very powerful statements. I did the same.
"I left them all to feed on one another." Ooh, that is so good. I did the same. I moved a literal thousand miles away.
@@victoryamartin9773 Thank you! I am an author.
My ex complained non-stop about our friends: D was too loud, L was pushy, P's kid was a brat, etc. Every social get-together was followed by him ranting all the way home about everyone's faults. I spent years defending our friends to him - I thought D was so fun, L had terrific energy, and P's kid was sweet. I always felt guilty that he was so charming to people's faces but so critical behind their backs.
Imagine my shock when I found out that he went to all of our friends immediately - lightning quick! - and told them that I thought D was too loud, L was pushy, etc., and he was SO RELIEVED to not have to keep my true opinions secret anymore! A few friends clued me in to what was happening, but 90% just ghosted me. It was surreal because it was word-for-word what HE had always said about them. My reputation was ruined. I lost a great career opportunity. It left me reeling.
I now live far away and am never ever going back.
I am so sorry. How heartbreaking. I too moved far, far away. The pain still reverberates though, even a literal thousand miles away.
@@AvecPoesie It took a while, but I've found happiness and peace. I wish you every happiness.
The smear campaign can have long-lasting effects when it's done in a professional context and the person engaged in the campaign is someone with power over your career. If you call them out for something, they will go all in on trying to destroy your reputation. Most will not see the motive behind it, especially if the narcissist controls their paycheck or is embedded in their organization. In a world where references from managers matter, the narcissist can seriously damage one's ability to make a living.
Insidious.
Yep!
Exactly. My two oldest children are on the ex's payroll. Ugh.
@@snowyowl4774 Ugh!
I’m 3 1/2 years into attempting to get out of a 30 year marriage. The domestic violence shelter gave me advice back then that just paid back in dividends 3 days ago in court. Do NOT EVER erase a message, text, or email. My kids hated my guts. One day one of them broke into my phone and learned the truth and clued the other two in. And when he tried to smear me on court documents, I had YEARS of texts to prove he was a filthy lying, abusive bastard and he lost his ass.
He smeared me to the police and the police didn’t recognise it. The inspector wrote, he said he treated you very well. Some police are so pathetic and incompetent. I have the transcript. I will confront him with the transcript when we’re in the court.
Attorneys Doctors, Hospitals they are not well trained enough unless they have been personally through this heap of insanity the narc creates
@@darlenealessio7609 Yes, but, some of them are taking their side because they are the same kind!!!
Someone beat me and she called the police.... saying something...I don't know what..police came to me asking what's going on I said it he said than. I see bears on the path. Delusional(?)
Well said!
I'm being smeared BY my narcissist police neighbor. Of course, the police don't lie, so everyone believes him.
As I struggled with a problem in my life, a trusted friend gave me some perplexing advice. He said I just needed to "grow a pear." So, today I planted 3 pear trees ...... We'll see.
Pear trees are beautiful...
😂
Witty
Apparently, your friend hasn't been tested by God!
As I’ve struggled, I realized that chumming for sharks is messy business. In the end, the clever dolphins win! 😀🦈🐬🐬🐬
There is a new trend going on and they are calling it "gang stalking" .
Mobbing. Same thing.
I had this experience and it traumatized me for a long time. I didn’t have enough strength to combat the attack. I just retreated but the main thing that hurt was other people who gossiped too didn’t want to “take sides” but ultimately somehow sided with the person gossiping because I wasn’t there doing damage control. My thought was, that none of the things this person is gossiping about is true and just simply not in my character. I figured they would believe it because there is no record of me behaving like this ever. I was wrong.
I forgot how people will side with the bully so they feel like they won’t be next. Anyway, it still makes me angry at the person who did this to me, the people who didn’t stand up for me and myself for being paralyzed.
Hugs to you sis...be kind to yourself.💚💙🩵
Paralysis is a freeze response to being traumatized. In that state, you are cut off from rational thinking. In that state, all I could do was feel the pain and replay the tragic memories of being traumatized. There's no use being angry with yourself. You could not have done otherwise until you got past it and reacquainted with yourself.
Yes, it's a terrible way to find out who your real friends are
When you come to the reality of all this mess, you realize how sick & evil it is!! No wonder we become so protective of our lives!
I am still going through this hell even after 20 years of being discarded. This is demonic hell 👿😡. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏😇👑👋🙌🇯🇲👍
I have a client, in a dissolution case, who is a prominent, very well educated, licensed professional in his early 40s, as is his wife. Recently, among the other terrible things that happened, he began putting on blast vulnerable pictures and texts of my client that he had compiled over the marriage from the worst part of her life, including indecent photos, and he threw their children into the mix on social media, and allowed their teenage son to see the pictures of his mother. Thank you for the video. I have shared with my client, and truly hope awareness spreads in our society of how terrible this form of abuse is. It can happen to anyone, from any walk of life.
I died a social death due to the smear campaign. Everyone had to go, including everyone that was ever affiliated with my toxic family. I disappeared off social media and moved very far away. After much therapy I am beginning to start to live again . At almost 50. For any person who has been through the same, my heart goes out to you.
The overt co-worker started the smear campaign and, lucky me, joined forces with my covert boss. Three other coworkers also joined the party. All resulting in me being fired. Don't cry for me Argentina. I am wearing it like a badge of honor. My sincere wish is that everyone that has navigated such 'effery to heal and find their path to empowering themselves. *A very special shoutout to Dr. Ramani for creating a platform to facilitate the healing process for the targets of narcissistic abuse. Thank you!*
Similar thing happened to me, but COVID hit and we all went remote. It all quieted down and supervisor praised my work from home😂.
Dr. Ramani's work has truly saved me. I realized I wasn't alone or crazy.
The worst part is that there are no solutions. My own parents do smear campaigns on me whenever I don't agree with them. Thankfully, I have been in therapy since I was 14 years old, dealing with my narcissist mother. The only solution my therapists have had is MOVE AWAY. Lol I'm 34, in grad school to become a MFT and we are finally moving away this year.😂 better late than never lol
Congrats on your career choice! May your painful experiences spark the empathy you'll need to be an excellent therapist.
This is a way to never recover from a nightmare.
Whoa. Tell us more? I don’t think I understand.
Do you mean - venting or ruminating about it on channels like these?
Be strong and courage, the Blows are hard to take! But in the process you are able to see who people really are. It's hurtful, but the payoff after you distance yourself from them feels Great! Truth always comes out without doing anything on your own behalf. Live your best life, move on, Thank God for your Freedom!
Absolutely! The freedom and contentment is so worth it. There are also people out there who know the narc is a rotten person. I had a conversation with an old neighbor who told me that she told my ex how intelligent I was and he just shrugged his shoulders. She said she knew my marriage was not good then, and said to me, "What kind of spouse isn't proud of their spouse when someone gives them a compliment?" Believe me some people can tell these narcs are horrible people. The funny thing is that the narc thinks he is fooling everyone, but he isn't.
I wasted years, flutily putting out fires, and doing damage limitation, trying to be believed, heard and understood. This only fuelled the narcissist, and kept me playing their game. The smear campaign is a part damage limitation, part baiting to a narcissist, but it is also a way for the abuser to avoid suspicion, or being found out. Having been NC for almost 4 years, I no longer know about, or hear, or need to engage or defend myself against this smearing of my name. It might be useful to the narcissist to continue their avoidance of being held accountable, but I am no longer part of the equation, fuelling their supply, or staying stuck
Ya, my narcissistic "mother" created a smear campaign against me to sabotage my relationships with both of my daughters. They believe that she is a sweet, generous, Christian Grandma that practically walks on water. They are completely unaware of her dual personality. Being the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic "mother" I have endured many years of gaslighting, minimizing, criticizing and judgment by her. I finally went no contact 4 months ago at age 64. I am devastated by the loss of a relationship with my daughters. I am a ghost to them now because of her. Thanks "mother" or rather "mommie dearest!!"
I’m so very sorry. I think narcissistic mothers have got to be worse than narcissistic fathers.
Me to am so sorry...adult son's father NPD, and thought I had lost him due to what I've recently concluded was parent alienation which is amazing considering so little time he had with 'dear old dad', but unbeknownst to me probably started when young...thought he was just a deadshit...devastated when pennies dropped...so yeah your kids are evrything...hopefully theyll see the truth...hard, my son still in denial/fog whatever, but all not lost.
As victim of smear campaigns this resonates so much agree it destroyed the social structure.
This is what my brother in law's wife did to me and other women in her life. She planted seeds for years about me (and other females in the family and in her social groups) because she was jealous I married before she did. I confronted her, she apologized, we made nice and then her behavior changed again. I also began noticing my husband's siblings giving me the cold shoulder. I later learned she began lying about me, claiming I said things I never said. I even proved she was lying through a text and they still chose to believe her. So I said eff this and cut them out of my life. My husband and I haven't spoken to them for over a decade. They have hoovered almost every single year. I started realizing that I was experiencing cptsd because of them and looking back, I can now see all of the emotional and mental abuse they were causing me. The stress caused me to become physically sick. It was hell.
I feel you! I have experienced similar issues! Be well.
Excellent, you just described my sister! After 50 years of letting all the abuse go over my head, I got tired of it. Then about 15 years ago the smear campaign started, family, some mutual friends, now my relationship with her daughter is not the same, (I used to be her favourite aunty!) The family and other friends friendship is still intact, these vile people don't always win. This video really helped, thank you!
Brilliant explanations and examples. They really do manipulate like a Special Ops force. "If you haven't gone through this, recognize that it's REAL, it's Harmful, it takes a tremendous Psychological Toll, and it can really sort of change the forward path of your life."
I feel so validated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Unfortunately, CAN relate.thank you SO SO much for all the videos you share.very helpful..learned ALOT
I experienced this. My oldest sister who is childless turned my daughters, nieces & nephews. She also put a will together and informed everyone what she was leaving to them. It almost killed me but 3 years later I have no relationships with anyone in my family any longer. It broke my heart and I went into a deep depression almost suicide.
These folks are not worth my life any longer. I won’t bother any of them. I get panic attacks at the thought of being in the same room with her and others in the family. Dr. Ramini is spot on with what she says! The grief is awful and they still try to pull at my heart strings. I no longer have a relationship with my Grandchildren and that is what hurts the very most.
I’m so sorry 😢, that’s my worst nightmare!
It will often happen at a time when the victim of the smear is at their most vulnerable too. Illness; loss of loved one; after natural disaster events where you lose everything…
Be prepared - it is next level and hard to believe the toxicity and vitriol.
Recognise the person/people for what they are; then cut off all possible information about you to pretty much anyone; go no contact if possible and work on knowing who you are. Be ok with you being you. Autonomy, individuation.
Absolutely correct. What my dysfunctional, toxic family did to me during the period my Mother was dying and eventually did Die, was absolutely unforgivable. Their master, my Narcissister, was their leader in executing pure EVIL toward me.
She is 100% accurate 😢 I lived this when I filed from a divorce. Lived almost every detail. 3 years of therapy and I’m in much better place. Had already began new friend groups that didn’t know him, but he uncovered who some of them were and tried to smear me with them as well. However, the growth from it set me on the biggest healing journey of my life, finally caring for my inner child, and healing and resolving my significant childhood traumas some of which was from my narc mom. Thank you Dr. for putting this out there! You truly are doing a huge public service by informing people about this very complex topic about extremely toxic people. Very wicked and evil and flawed individuals.
When you think your life sucks. There's always someone else who's life is worse, like an innocent person in prison.
While you are being narcissistically abused, you yourself are essentially an innocent person, in a horrific prison
True, but people who are free that are in a narcissistic relationship have the ability and choice to leave. Innocent people who were put in prison because of lies made by narcissists are in a mental and physical cage and can't get out. That's worse!
Well, no matter where you are in life, there are other people better off and worse off than you. But if you want inspiration read “The will to meaning”, about Victor Frankl’s time in a German concentration camp. The human mind can get through seemingly insurmountable odds. Just like Frankl’s captors, narcissists wrongly believe that they can imprison the human spirit.
@@youngblood8540 jeez, I hadn't even thought there might be people in prison as a part of narcissistic abuse!! That's truly awful. My mother caused me extreme distress, then called the men in white coats to have me 'committed'. It was part of her punishment, because I had the audacity to try and be my own person, with boundaries!! It also served to keep me trapped for years.
But if I knew you were innocent I would put in the work to help prove your innocence and encourage you. Put in the work means write the judge, inquire, Tru to find anything that could help
Loved this video dr ramani you're understanding of narcissism is just wow....❤
He abruptly discarded me AND then started a smear campaign. I can only guess that the smear campaign is / was an attempt to control a narrative that I was abusive and he had no option but to end the marriage. folks who knew both of us might think there was more to the situation then the story he told. Thirty years “together.” But I now know I was always alone in the relationship. It was my wishful thinking and decades of ignoring gaslighting and projection that made me think we were ever “together.”
God bless you DoctorRamani!
Yes, it takes along time to heal from this!
They know when to do this!
You may be taking time to heal from a trauma, so it’s compounded in order to destroy the other person!
You get punched repeatedly on every side!
They throw you into a pit so deep it takes years even decades to climb out!
God, therapy and time will come!
Taking care of one’s self by listening to God’s direction has been helping me to be the version of myself God intended!
God is bringing people to work with in His time!
Thank you, Thank you and Thank you!!
🙏❤️🕊🌟🎶🌹🎚️⚖️💞
It’s real and sad😢 The Lord says He will repay, vengeance belongs to Him. Thank you Dr Ramani for revelation.
🎯
Cool video. My relationship of 8 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
A spiritual counselor?? Give up already.
It is a very long and lonely hard road. Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is helpful.
Narcissistic sister in law has tried to do a horrific smear campaign against me because I expressed an opinion she doesn’t like, so she began spreading lies and turning my brother against me. Super messed up. Fortunately most people see the truth now. Wish my brother would ask me what happened rather than blindly believing her lies. The enablers are awful and expect me to pretend nothing happened so we can all be together as a family. Not ok. My whole family dynamic is so damaged. I will keep my boundaries to protect myself regardless of what they say. Lots of grief for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I've been experiencing something very similar. Others blindly believe and do not dare to even ask me to clarify. That is because they are not interested in the truth - only drama. The dynamics will never be the same again. Toxic to the core.
IT IS PATHETIC that the enablers always want the victim of HORRIFIC ABUSE to pretend as though nothing happened, no big deal, forgive, forgive, forgive. They never care about the severity of the trauma that they were part of all along.
❤ Thank you Dr Ramani, for telling my story without ever meeting me! For your validation of truth that crowds the spaces of confusion, crazy, and self doubt. Grief is not only the final phase it is the constant with a narcissist.
So spot on , it’s divine. Your insight and truth. Many many thanks. 🙏🙏🙏
This is where I want to be. Keep them coming Doc.
You’re the lighthouse guiding me home to shore❤❤❤❤
This is the most beautiful person I've found along this journey. Beautiful in mind, body and spirit.
The first person the narc smears you to is you. Don’t ever believe an abuser’s estimation of you. Get help, get out, and STAY out. It will NEVER stop and they will NEVER change.
Get out? What if she and her psychopathic parents has captured the kid, telling him lies ? Worse, if the kid is already mentally ill and they just continue the abuse ? I can' t just "get out" of this war, though I feel my powers are waning quite fast. Basic householding plus divorce paper fight over the kid can quite fast reach the limit of what one can do at all in such a situation. Not sure I will make it ever again into normal life. All friends gone. No one there to help, just the lawyer. Being able to get a job ever again after that kind of abuse? Forget it. Life is gone.
I'm grateful for your priceless understanding and advice! ❤
This happened to me. I can not even begin to tell you how horrible it was, as my friends were peeled away from me one by one, it was almost like having my skin ripped away from my body. I had days when I wanted to end it all but I have my little dog and who would take care of him? It's still going on if I re awaken them to my existence, but I have been blessed with new friends that know what went on and not to fall for any of their garbage. It reminded me of a Bible passage "they meant it for evil, and God made it for good." That's how you overcome it, faith and the best revenge is living well. Sending out prays to all of you who have endured this treatment. You are a good person, your life will be good again and it may not take all that long either.
As someone who just got out of a week long online drama within my friend group, its so baffling that so many traits you mentioned and other narcissistic ones line up with the people who started the drama. I'm grateful for your insight.
Smear campaigns tie in heavily with crazy-making.
(13:56) "When adults, grown ass adults are doing this kind of stuff on social media it looks immature and ridiculous."
There it is, straight from the expert's mouth.
And now you know why whenever anyone told me or my parents to join Facebook I said "Hell NO!"
Too many wolves in sheep's clothing stealing personal info, spreading idle gossip, luring people into scams, entrapping people, coercing those who don't know any better, basically business as usual for thieves and thugs. Except on social media it is behind the disguise of a digital persona.
As of now there is very little legal protection and justice for victims of cybercrimes and abuse. Yet you can obtain those protections...IF you can afford it. But usually the victims of narcissistic abuse have been scammed and financially abused so badly they will never have the finances and live to see the justice they deserve.
I am dealing with this right now -- from both my remaining siblings. So very hard, but not really a shock. We are all in our 70’s. They are merely modeling what our father did. That does not justify it, I know, or make it easy. Frankly, it is exhausting. It really helps to see these videos. Please keep them coming.
My siblings too have carried on our father’s tradition of scapegoat abuse! So very painful to let them all go.
Extremely hard. I’m going through it too. It’s on another level. Only God can help us through it because super natural powers are needed!
I told the narcissist she did me a favor. I cleaned all the lesser people out of my life and now have only friends who are better people than me
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Growing up, one thing that always got me in trouble was my incessant questioning. I always wanted to know the ‘why’ behind everything.
Little did I know, I was surrounded by vindictive, immature, self absorbed narcissists.
Ask a narcissist a straight up question ( or to take responsibility for their behaviour ) and watch their reactions fly. Your Questions or your no is something that counters a narcissist’s false sense of self.
Little did I know, my curiosity was actually a sign of my inquisitive mind and intelligence.
Your curiosity, the narcissist perceives as a threat to their fragile ego so you not going along with them disturbs their fixed mindset. In the long run your resistance and not going along will help free you but the smear is to punish you put you through hell and add pressure to your life( all while the puppet master can act like a saint and not get their hands dirty) .
Your insights becomes targeted and your inquisitive nature as the problem. It is so morally bankrupt because curiosity is essential for a healthy life.
Little did I know, this curiosity of mine and my independence lead to a smear campaign about me. The smear was all done behind my back by those who asked my forgiveness and pretend to care. They targets my “ friends” associates , colleagues the narcissists made contact with anyone I met and at the time it was all unknown to me.
I unpacked decades of betrayal and it stunned me.
The head puppet master with the other narcissists went behind my back ( while acting friendly to my face- )
I refer to it as “ friendly fire” calculated by a narcissist ( they act dumb but they know what they do. And they think you are “ dumb” for trusting them )
One of the head puppet masters used my contact list and my connections as a way to strategically access my life to undermine and sabotage it all while playing a faux supportive role .
It was done on the down low ( smiling to my face) as to set me up to appear as “ incompetent “ and or foolish. I was mocked for being “ too honest” and “ too trusting”. And without my awareness of the smear it had a domino effect on all aspects of my life. I was set up in so many ways it made my head spin and when I unpacked it all I heard the word “ drama” ( used by their FM or other narcissists.) It is their go to blame shift word of choice. It is to avoid all responsibility for their horrible actions when you try to wrap your head around it all they claim you are the “ drama”. ( funny how when I got toxic out of my life how much peace and calm I had - of course they still send around a FM to make it seem like I am the problem or just to mess with me)
When you are dealing with unusual circumstances and you don’t know what is going on that creates self doubt. And life is not easy so to have people in your inner circle making life harder for you? That is a massive head trip.
It is all so the narcissist can get back to being on top ( in their skewed mind )
Their need to act superior is their twisted perception as they want to be seen as top notch and worshiped or pitied.
And it is all designed to isolate the target more and place you in a more vulnerable position.
I kept going being me, in spite of set backs, and odd circumstances, I kept going and that unknowingly that increased the smear against me .
I was hated more for not only surviving and doing better without them .
The smear was increased and petti criminals were solicited . Narcissists can act in authority positions or white collar and come across as Pollyanna but make no mistake when they say they have “ partners in crime” ( as a joke) it is no joke.
Narcissists surrounded themselves with insecure people and deviants they can manipulate and bread crumb/ bribe to keep the fan club ( cult or covert type mob members doing their dirty work ) .
Narcissists solicit hate and they don’t tell their henchmen or fan followers that your curiosity is the problem. Your healthy self esteem is what is needed to set you free. And it is what narcissists hate the most about you & your recovery from them.
We are not them ❤️🩹🙌
Narcissists don’t want you to be free individual ( aka: have a healthy sense of self autonomy. )
In the hidden abuse the insecure minds of a N that would render them obsolete . Hence their intense manipulation tactics do not stop even when you go NC.
Narcissists especially malignant ones feel entitled to own you. Sociopaths are relentless.
The biggest cover up is how they appear to discard you but never really let go of their intention to use you more harm or control you more. You pay a price all while they pretend to pick up tabs and appear as the hero - but you always pay a price and you often pay more than your fair share. But Narcissists pretend that you don’t pay at all.
Little did I know, covert narcissists come wearing different decorated masks. And they will be there along side you pretending to cheer you on or guilt trip you to make you do more for them while they will when you get close to your goals set up invisible land mines. Narcissists weaponize emotions.
Little did I know, the narcissists would come in and out of my life when they perceived that I had value or worth to them. Even in NC it won’t stop their lies and false narratives.
When the N cannot squeeze more out of you they create false narratives about you ( the smear is to control others perception of you)
I dug into healing and even confronted a sociopath and I held boundaries and the upped the ante on a smear in play.
I got on with my life not fully aware the smear was circulating and I believed that intelligent and compassionate people would see through them and anyone who got to know me - would see me. I failed to understand how perceptions can be distorted by narcissists.
Over time, i held boundaries, sought support and began again and I was overwhelmed by the amount of people in positions of authority who are also narcissists.
Narcissists will say you are the narcissist ( because any healthy ego to a narcissist is a threat to their fragile ego)
Narcissists want you to see through the same cynical lens so it can be heart wrenching dealing people who are like them and not allowing it to make you bitter too.
The puppet masters make sure to find others like them to send your way. This way it becomes a perception that you are “ off balance” or hyper vigilant over sensitive insecure and mostly that you are the so called “ common denominator “ . The audacity in the “ common denominator “ is how they used your back as a stepping stone and burned you in the process ( your connections became access to harm you more )
All while some gurus claim it is about you “ loving yourself” more. The irony is narcissists devalued, invalidated, belittled and ridiculed me and they also wanted to be me. So they usurp my identity and discard evidence that I existed they undermined my accomplishments then pretended and took credit for it the double bind is a head trip
It is all so you are seen as the problem and anything that you do is rendered not significant or they blow your mistakes far out of proportion.
They use everything and everyone and even systems that are suppose to be about to protect you ( justice ) and they find loopholes in dysfunctional systems.
However as more information is known things are slowing shifting. Yet the problem with the double edged sword is Machiavellian types are drawn to authoritative positions.
The smear happening without me knowing was to throw me off balance,
All as a way to covertly attempt to use me more usurp and control the false narratives and punish me for being me ( I was no longer interested in tolerating narcissists emotionally psychologically abuse or ways they beat me down. )
I was not interested in looking the other way or dwelling . I would no longer tirn the other cheek after they steal my material things, vandalize my property, physically attack me and steal my identity . I let them know I won’t tolerate abuse so the smear increased two fold. It was not only about “ villainizing” me it is how manipulators use DARVO to harm you more. Narcissists will do all the above and then play victim as a way to try to get others to hate you. So they don’t get their own hands dirty.
Narcissists use FOG
to play- innocent ( toxic)
perpetrator.
The paradox sums them up.
What stunned me is how many people FM go along with NA - some have too much empathy & buy into false narratives and others like them are just like the narcissist ( yet some can come across as “ saints”. )
The level of two faced betrayal stunned me. Some people lack integrity and sz I dug into it it was me alone and standing up to groups of bullies. I was invited to unknowingly attend a few set ups.
Narcissists use cliques, “ gangs” , groups or affiliations to set up targets - they use blind followers and attack you in your blind spots.
Eventually your true friends will support you and that will drive a narcissist mad. How dare you not crumble and fall ?
They need to surround themselves with crews to appear as so important .
They will find new FM to attempt to contaminate your life. And they carry on with their behaviour ( and they do it to others too. ) But the cover ups continue.
The amount of negative energy a narcissist puts into harming your life is staggering and when you spend time, money and resources to fight it get your life back - they will claim you are “ lazy” or not “ working hard enough. What I stopped doing was sharing info to be used against me and I stopped setting myself on fire to keep other ungrateful narcissists warm.
And they hated me even more for it. The vulnerable narcissist turn on the croc tears. I held boundaries. Continue-
Being unable to regulate your emotions has broad consequences!
It means so much to get your experience validated after being through such a destabilizing situation. This video did that for me. I can't thank you enough ❤️
Thanks for posting this lecture; this really hit home. Have had a couple people do this to me. However, this initiated a process of revealing who are genuine friends. Now, am grateful for the narcissists initiating and following through of their smear campaigns: I know the true heart of people in, and near, my "circle".
same here
When a narcissist says something to smear another, I say "You know, that doesn't sound like her to me. She's not like that with me." It's nipped some issues in the bud at least temporarily.
I was really hurt when I discovered what was happening. Being accused by a spouse of the crimes actually committed against me just seemed cruel. After a bit it became old news and I was on the edge of my seat to hear what I was up to next, lol!
It amazes me the lies they believe to be true. I'm am so glad i got away from it.
Great color on you, Dr Ramani.
Good morning
Dr. Ramani,
🌞 ☀️ 🌤 🌅
Wishing y'all a blessed day ahead 🙏
Namaste 🙏
🌙 🌚 🌔 🌕 🌖🌛
Yes to all of this, Family, Past In Laws, Friends, Co-Workers, Neighbor’s, and even Strangers. It’s definitely taken a terrible toll on my life that it feels like a deep tattoo on my heart and soul.
Thank you for the video Dr Ramani! It’s one of the most frustrating and exasperating LONG TERM consequences of FINALLY learning boundaries and then enforcing them.
And now I’m the “bad guy”! Infuriating! And if friends do not even tell me the lies that are being said!? I half want to know (because it’s a violation of the protection order for one thing!) but another big part of me just wishes it would be “the past”!!
@@lynylcullen8370 I read your comment about how your ex destroyed your finances and cost you your house. Wow that's good a tough pill to swallow I'm just learning about how others can take advantage and hurt in the deepest way and not miss a wink of sleep. Would be kind of to share your story if you aren't comfortable I will absolutely understand and I'm sorry you had such horrible things happen suck as having your heart broken then your house lost I'm sorry you had to go through such a tough ordeal
1:19 Sometimes people smear with the narcissist without knowing the victim. Sometimes they don't know well the person who is using them.
Is there any chance on a video about how to deal with such a situation? Please, please, please :)
Dr Ramani, you were one of the first lecturers to teach me psychology/group dynamics, which was a turning point for me. And I have combined the wisdom of my tradition. Thank you for your valuable teachings.
Being alone is the best thing that ever happened. I never knew not having people in your life could be so peaceful
This was what was the worst : That my sister did not tell me or ask me when he made contact with her and told her things that weren’t true.
That is how they succeed to isolate you....never underestimate the damage caused by this strategy...Never allow yourself to talk badly about anyone in their back...Gossipping and telling lies about people are the worst sin...Peace to all ❤
Yes. All of this. I've witnessed people disrespecting their spouses, in order to encourage others to either excuse their cheating behavior, or in an attempt to convince someone to become a part of the harem they want to compete for them. Their goal was clearly not to end their relationship with their spouse. Generally, they seek a scapegoat, to hide their behavior behind, and the scapegoat is usually targeted as long as possible, before separation occurs, and the scapegoat is freed.
I left a narcissistic "friend" of mine a few years ago and as a result I lost ALL of our mutual acquaintances. So be it!
None of those mutual "friends" contacted me asking me if what was said about me was true. Therefore they never really were my friends at all! 😕 I miss them as much as I do miss a case of ulcers...
It's a sad way to discover who really isn't worthy of your time, energy, or friendship
I hope I get to that point of not missing them at all. I just need to keep reminding myself they were not my friends at all. Never heard from any of them after I stopped showing up in their lives.
@@gracenotes818 You will eventually! 👍 All the best to you... 🙂
@@raunopakarinen4691 Thank you!
Thank you for posting your reply. This answers the question I had earlier about people believing it. If you truly were someone's friend or support system, then you wouldn't have jumped on the band wagon so easily of the smear campaign. They really didn't care to begin with.
❤❤❤ thank you.
8 yrs and I am still going thru it
My sympathy ♡. The smear campaign began twelve years ago with my sil and got new life from my sister nearly four years ago.
My MIL attempted to rally my in-laws against me because I won't allow her to behave entitled and disrespectful to me and my son. The only one she convinced to back her is my sister-in-law. She has no sway with her ex-husband and the rest of the family, and I don't care about her friends. So she tried to punish my husband with her rage but quickly swept it under the rug when he didn't apologize for her outburst this time.
I feel you!
It's so crazy how abusers follow the same cycle of abuse, and narcisists follow the same patterns! It's like fortune telling with how predictable they are!!!
reality is better than fiction
Thank you so much for clarifying this rather complex topic. Just recently, I was getting a call out from an enabler, a soft target, and I started to journal the benefits and also the disadvantages of actually picking up the phone . This validates my decision to not engage.
Everything you say is true Dr. Ramani. Often no one understands the depth of pain and damage. You are always so uplifting, to help us out of the hole. ❤😢😊
Your describing my family that’s why I haven’t spoke to them in 20 years and some longer , I broke off from all the toxicity and that made them mad cause I don’t go along with them. And I’m writing a book about everything I’ve been through and now they are really mad cause they know their secrets are going to be out .