Codependency and Childhood Trauma
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 มิ.ย. 2024
- Codependency and Childhood Trauma
E-Course Work:
www.patrickteahantherapy.com/...
Topics covered in this video: codependency, caretaking, passive aggression, manipulation, childhoodtrauma, therapy, psychology, healing, inner child, adulting, toxic parents, toxicfamilysystem, ifs, self-healing, journaling ,toxic relationships, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, NPD, BPD, dysfunctional family
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:59 My Car Analogy
5:02 More About Codependency
6:36 Connect With Me
7:27 Defining Codependency and Symptoms
8:56 List of Codependency Traits
11:03 Codependency Types Chart
15:40 How Codependency is Modeled in Dysfunctional Family Systems
21:07 Our Codependent Strategy We Had as Children in Dealing With Abusive Parents
24:01 How to Start Working on Codependency
27:07 Final Thoughts
30:05 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
Opening Footage - Appalachian Trail, NC
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
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Seriously, as a therapist myself, this therapist is the most incredible and knowledgeable educator and therapist I have ever seen. Absolutely profound. It doesn't get better than this.
This tells volumes about the therapist education system.
Codependency symptoms:
1) Needing to be needed
2) self betrayal
3)Self-righteousness (fights in our head)
4) overly navigating someone
5) needing things to be okay
6) Insecurity
7) conflict-diverse
8) perfectionism (good enough)
9) Defaulting to authority figures or more aggressive people
10) Struggling to have your own voice or own expression (opinion)
11) Being numb or unaware of other people's dysfunction
12) controlling others' behavior
13) Latching onto people places or things out of desperation
14) Not thinking you can do well in relationships or jobs
15) Avoiding boundaries (second guessing self)
16) Having all energy going into making situation work
17) Intense self guilt and shame
18) Unable to let others do things for you
19) caretaking
20) hyper-responsible
21) hyper-unresponsive
22) Rescuing (needing)
Thank you for making this list!
19 out of 22. Not a test I ever wanted an A on 😢
I often fantasize about having a partner that will apologize when they make me cry. I want that so much. I know I want this because I wanted it from my father when he raged at me. I wish he would have seen how scared and hurt I was.
The thing is, are you going to keep staying in relationships where people make you cry and they don't care if they do so? You might have to leave a relationship. Think how would a healthy person respond, would they let someone do this to them? Also go back to the definition, be independent not codependent, till you find someone you can trust to be interdependent with. I'm not at that level yet, still working on independence.
that's a really fair thing to want. Every child deserves to be seen, respected and consoled, and you were no exception. No wonder you were carrying that, it's such a betrayal and terror for a child to not have any of that. Wish you the best fren
Hugs for you and your inner child 🤍 Im so sorry you went through that. I also never received apologies from my dad when he hurt me or said cruel things in anger or frustration.
This is incredibly relatable for me.
I fantasize about ANYONE apologizing when they make me cry. I’ve never had that reciprocated but ridiculed for apologizing if I even think I might make someone cry somehow.
Can we just stop for a minute and acknowledge Patrick's amazing acting skills?!
I know, right? It was the acting that hooked me on the very first of his videos I saw. He was playing several roles in a role play and the performances were fantastic.
A Calming video on How bad parents are made. th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
A great video on how bad parents are made th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
I laughed so hard at the car analogy 😂😂🙏
And he's funny!
I’ve been so codependent that my parents never had to get physically abusive because I was the “perfect” quiet little helper. My mom even brags about how independent I was as a child but I actually just felt bad asking her for help. Thank you for these videos! ❤️ I gaslight myself so much that I don’t even realize how deeply engrained all of these dysfunctional patterns are until I hear you describe them.
Also, I love your car analogy! My brother-in-law is from Boston. I definitely drive a “shitbox”, it’s a ‘98 Camry with tires that skid and an engine that maxes out at ~35mph. 😅
Juliette, thank you for sharing. You got me thinking. My teachers would call me independent and mature as a child, maybe that was not a good thing. Maybe those were the signs of early codependency. All of the sudden my heart ached!
Thank you for this comment; I was not only all of these, but also made to care for younger sisters, as my parents were divorced and mother worked nights, by choice. I was independent and accommodating by necessity. I often feel like I had no childhood. I was living the life of a single mother…and that’s how my life turned out. All I want is to be taken care of, yet I’m a single mother and can’t make a business or personal relationship work long term.
Thank you for this comment; I was not only all of these, but also made to care for younger sisters, as my parents were divorced and mother worked nights, by choice. I was independent and accommodating by necessity. I often feel like I had no childhood. I was living the life of a single mother…and that’s how my life turned out. All I want is to be taken care of, yet I’m a single mother and can’t make a business or personal relationship work long term.
@@smartmarketing173 Acknowledging that aspect of yourself is the first step to healing; congratulations!👏🏾 Keep going and soon you'll have created the life of your dreams!! 💃🏿🌷🌟I believe in you!!🌬✨
Codependency is “living for other people.” Certainly, it can exist in a relationship with a toxic person but even in the absence of toxicity, codependence often remains a part of the personality. It involves maladaptive behaviors. My mother, for example, while not being in a toxic relationship, is stuck in her codependent behaviors. So she tries to “take care of” me even though I’m a 30 year old woman. She would be perfectly content to infantilize me until I became dependent on her. It results in her being very controlling. She has so lost herself in her codependency that, even when her toxic relationships were gone, she didn’t have an identity anymore. And she still defines herself by being able to “care for” someone else. It’s almost like a blind addiction. And it definitely, needs treatment.
That’s sad. She doesn’t think she deserves to become individuated, but at the same time, she’s also a narc, so even in her giving, it’s not selfless.
I didn't know i had a younger sister😉 i took distance from my mom for that exact reason. Now she has to live for herself.
This describes my mother very well and also explains her outrageous outbursts once in a blue moon when she didnt her way about something she thought was important.. she literally thought she/we would die on some metaphorical / literal level if we didnt do as she said on something she deemed important for survival.. it messed up with my sense of self and ability to make decisions etc... I had to choose me and distance .. there are many other reasons why I had to go no contact too.. its painful but I cant keep choosing / making other peoples emotions as more important than mine.. she also frightened me and that's no way to live.. the level of controlling behaviour she would exhibit if I let her into my life too much by telling her my real thoughts feelings etc the ones that might scare her ..or when she REALLY wanted us to do something once in a blue moon was very scary.. it looks self sacrificial on the surface but is about control and loss of identity in the end for all of us..
@MermaidOutofSea yeah I understand that. I’m a recovering codependent too. And I’ve tried some of the things you’ve mentioned to help myself. The one thing that’s the difficulty of all this, is that her recovery requires self-awareness. She has to believe that she has an issue. she doesn’t believe that. And she has other issues as well. Additionally, while I love her, she also has to take responsibility for herself as an adult and I can’t be responsible for her feelings - even though I’m there to emotionally support her. But I’m super happy to hear from another recovering codependent. I wish you love and healing 🙏
I like that definition
"Comfortable with being misunderstood"... that's a tough one. Still working on it. Thank you, Patrick!
Me too. ❤
Actively expecting to be misunderstood = me.
A Calming video on How bad parents are made. th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
Agreed, that is one that I am working on as well.
I struggle a lot with my inner critic and they get triggered everytime I am misunderstood and my actions explained badly. I then get filled with such a strong and acute sense of shame and feelings of being unwanted that I rather crawl in a hole than ever showing up again.
Stepping over that trigger and accepting that sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes I overstep boundaries is a work in progress. Taking stock of the situation and being able to formulate a measured response so difficult yet so rewarding.
The six pack exersise of the channel 'therapy in a nutshell' is pretty great. Come up with 6 alternative explenations and ask the question: which one is true & kind?
Boundaries at work are huge for me. I need to be more selfish. The broken cars like my team at work. We are expected to work as a team. I am worried about meeting deadlines. I always put in extra hours to meet deadlines with little to no input from the team despite several invites and requests for their input. Then I stupidly
submit the work I did by myself from the team. No more. It is my work. Handing in my work to bosses by deadline and taking all the credit. Tired of watching everyone from my window walk out to their cars and leaving way before me. Going to say here is my project I did by myself. I don't have to explain or cover up for team mates not meeting deadlines, not contributing, not initiating or responding to invites or requests for inputs or even feedback. Done rescuing the broken down "team". Not taking on the shame and pretending that someone actually worked on a project with me when they didn't. Not doing the bosses work of managing and oversight of the team projects. If boss asks, I'll say I couldn't wait on team members contributions any longer as I wanted to meet the deadline given. Trying not to feel like a witch for even thinking this let alone putting this into action. Yup codependent for sure. No more signing birthday cards on behalf of the thoughtless!!!
Your definition of codependency is spot on ! “Trying to make the impossible work by avoiding grief and pain.” It’s a survival mechanism from childhood that carries on into adulthood.
Took me 3 hours to get through this. Still shaking and crying. I hope there is redemption for me. I don't want to pass this misery to my daughter.
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As a single 30 yo woman, I moved to a new city for my job. I became the "fat, smart sidekick" of a popular, pretty woman until she moved away for a better job. Then, I did the exact same thing with another popular, pretty friend who also moved away for job prospects. I was lost for a while until I realized I had to not ɓe a sidekick. I had been devoted to those women, and very hurt when they left. I finally became emotionally self sufficient. I'm not well nowadays, but at least I am not a sidekick anymore.
“Defaulting to authority figure”, “losing your own voice”, “latching on to people places situations due to desperation”, “caretaking”, “being hyper-responsible”….. I’m all of them…. All of them….
Same here, Jessica.
Same, girl.
Yes... Good wishes on our journeys!
Jessica and others... you are definatly not alone, hugs
Me too
I spent 9 years in codependents anonymous working on my codependency. IMO codependency is a love addiction. Ross Rosenberg defines it as self love deficiency. We define ourselves (and our value) by our relationships with others and their opinions of us. It’s a miserable way to live. Codependents fear rejection and try to “earn” love and strive for approval by helping (aka control) others.
A Calming video on How bad parents are made. th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
Its an attachment wound and learned pattern. Inner child healing really helps collapse some of those wounds
A great video on how bad parents are made th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
Yeah if I was younger I might have benefited from that but I'm working on continuing to voice and enforce my boundaries and reparenting myself while building trust.
I can't afford therapy right now but I did do some CBT grp stuff last spring since it was available to me. I have also found an online support grp that I'm going to start going too so that will have to suffice until next yr when I can hopefully find a therapist who specializes in trauma and relational issues, that I can manage on a normal day shift schedule.
I know that I have been very involved in trying to find help for people and have been drawn to the rescuing stage of co dependency for years! I always have friends that are getting evicted or need food or something and there I am feeling needed and will go to great lengths to help anyone because I want to make sure they are ok. I see it as empathetically trying to be there for someone in their time of need when no one else is..there I am. I can pay myself on the back for being there and the self righteous aspect is there sometimes too. I also laugh sooo loud because I bought a car for 1500 last year. I told the guy I just wanted it to drive and I wanted it cheap. I named him Tony. Tony had transmission issues, a faulty gas gauge and leaking coolant but I tell myself that there is no payment and I overlook Alot of the other stuff but I am wanting to find another car..Funny about co dependency and the car analogy. Plus I realized I was co dependent when I was going to school to be a social worker and kept attracting men that were alcoholics and I would make excuses for their behavior..so I changed my major but not my life til now..crazy how life works huh??
As a recovering codependent, the car analogy is perfect. I have actually lived this experience both literally and metaphorically; repeatedly choosing low quality cars and people because I didn’t even know there was another option! I couldn’t envision myself in healthy relationships or driving a newer/reliable car. Am working on addressing both of these things and your channel is very helpful in this process. Thank you!!
Your story and mine are the same. Glad you're getting some help.
Yup, especially if you grow up with parents who tell you that your credit score is too crap and you'll never find a decent car that they'd actually sell to you.
On my third s-box car
Did you date a guy name starting with j?
@@Faeriefungus yes
Patrick, could you make a list of phrases that child needs to hear? I am trying to re-parent myself and build a sense of inner home and security and I am struggling to find out what I needed to hear from my parents to feel strong inside. Is this something you could look into please?
I love this, I’m struggling with this too!
Same here!
Me too, please.
I am Melody Beatie's quote. A walking, talking quote, whose heart remains broken 💔
Yep that would be good
I just had a revelation lol 😂. I went to therapy as a young teen , because my mom insisted on it. I was told I was co dependent. My mom manipulated my diagnosis. She blamed me for being this way. She made it appear, it was a defect in me. She completely left herself and my narc dad out of the equation. I’ve carried this my entire life, until this moment. It’s like the light bulb 💡 just came on. Thank you 😊.
My mom did that too. I was a pretty good teen, got okay grades, didn't get into trouble, quiet, helped around the house. But she didn't like my "attitude" so she took me to a therapist to fix me and make me into a cheerful little helper. The message I absorbed was: You are a tool to be used, and when you don't function well, she'll hand you over to a weird stranger who will get in your face with big fake smiles and... it was really miserable. Because at some level I knew I wasn't the messed up one.
WTF?! 🫨
Let me give you an example of the manipulation Patrick is talking about. My mom thinks I’m unable to care for myself. So she wants to keep me around so she can take care of me. In order to do that she makes herself seem helpless and incapable , because she knows that that will make me stick around to care for her. And so in the end, she gets what she wants.
That kind of sounds like the phenomenon of "failure to lauch," as depicted in the movie of the same name. I think you might enjoy it. :)
@@shirin8609 will check it out
@@Mary-rc2km wow
Great example. Somehow, it reminds me of those Penrose Steps, aka the impossible staircase. It also makes you feel like you are trapped in a spider’s web.
Um, my life. I get this totally.
I spent 58 years trying to keep my narcissistic father in a decent humor. I just wanted things to stay ok. I didn’t know who I was, my whole life was trying to keep our critical father on an even keel. He could be so critical and cut a person to the quick, especially if he had an audience to watch us cringe. Acceptance was never unconditional with my father. It was a life of trying to be who he wanted, whatever in the world that might be at any moment. We were furniture. I need to read that book
Reading your comment made me think about how we actually had to lose our sense of self in constantly trying to make things work in the family...!!! 🤔 there was really no chance for our true personalities to come to light, when we were so absorbed in trying not to anger our parents and make it work for the whole family all the time. Wow now that I'm writing this it dawned on me how exhausting that was for us. It's like our true identities are somewhere here, but we have little connection with them? I've literally downloaded a little leaflet for parents that's titled "how to help your child build a strong sense of self" and im trying to do that on myself. I keeping my fingers crossed for you :) Try to give yourself the safe space to find your true personality, get in touch with your true self 😊
50yo last month, you wrote my story otherwise. Car broke down, been at my dad's(and cool stepmom's) almost past 2 weeks, we've not killed each other. Hadn't spent +2 nights under same roof as my dad since I was 19.
As a child I felt I was so self conscious and fearful. I hated myself. I was painfully shy and felt completely controlled by my parents. I was emotionally, physically and I believe sexually abused.. (can't remember much, it wasn't my dad) I always remember at parties, all the other kids in the room would dance and enjoy themselves naturally, whilst me and my sister just sat there all night, painfully shy, too scared to let go and enjoy ourselves.. As an adult every man I got with was abusive, and I was so clingy, I desperately just wanted somebody to love me, I became promiscuous, just knowing that the man wanted me made me feel important, like soneone felt something for me, even though it was just sex, i loved the parts before, when all evening I'd be treated nicely and given attention, hugs and kisses.
I drank to block out the pain. I'm sober now after wasting 20 years. Feel sad and depressed as I just didn't stand a chance. Doomed from the day I was born really.. Ive turned life around now, happier but still don't have a man to love me, all they go on about is my looks and body, I rarely get asked about my personality.. I don't believe in love anymore xx
Hugs. I relate.
There is only One Perfect Man who fills the Void in every person.
"3 to get married" by Fulton Sheen
I was the child who was ridiculed by the family. My older brother was held up as an exceptionally bright child, a genius, and he was the angriest bully you can imagine. He was not only hit me multiple times a day, he worked hard to crush my self-esteem. My parents failed to protect me from not only the physical abuse, but also mocked me for crying when he did or said something cruel. One instance that still sticks in my mind was a Christmas car trip from our home in the south to grandparents in the midwest. It was snowing and I asked, after reading a sign, why bridges ice over before roads. I was 6 years old. My mother told me to not ask stupid questions and my brother punched me in the leg as hard as he could.
I stopped crying in their presence, and pretended I didn't care what they said about me. To this day I have trouble connecting with my emotions, and it's no surprise that I married a malignant narcissist who confirmed every feeling of inferiority I had about myself.
I'm so sorry you went through that as a child. It is so damaging and very hurting. Long lasting hurt of the parents not protecting you, or to sticking up for you to show that they love you. And to have it happening to you constantly as each year you growing up, never being approved of. As if all that is instant self esteem that they think you have. That is so sad that you were treated that way. They are Bullies and you are not. I like the story about the frog and the Scorpions. Thank you for your comment, I also suffered this. And still My Parents never stick up for me in front of the Bullies siblings.
You are not alone in your experiences. Details may be different, but i resonate with your story. Thank you.
My husband grew in the exact same way. His primary carer was his older brother about 18 yrs older than him who was extremely abusive and he had no safe person to talk to.
We met when he was 23 and I was 20 and got married and the first few years were rough, he didn’t know how to manage or work through emotions. He always thought everyone was against him. It’s been 4 years now and we talk about his life growing up almost every day, and he’s been working on his trauma.
He still has stuff to work through but I can tell he’s a lot happier now and a lot more mentally healthier. People at work, and family and friends have noticed how much he’s grown.
34 years in Al-Anon working steps, making meetings. I will never graduate. Life is so much better than it would have been. For me, it's a lifelong process for which I am forever grateful.
When I first watched this video a few days ago, I didn’t consider (and have NEVER considered) myself to be a codependent. After visiting my first ACA meeting (thanks Patrick for recommending), scrutinizing my motives, doing some additional research and rewatching, I’ve found that I’m indeed a codependent. I have been codependent for over 2 decades. Im beyond sad, but glad to have a starting point. Coming from a dysfunctional family has been the worst thing to happen to me. I am so tired of the layers of trauma I’m having to work through. So tired.
I began realizing a few months ago that me constantly hoping people will spontaneously change, is a form of codependency. I have gone no contact, but it's still clinging on in the back of my mind.
Gotta do something to get through to my subconsious.
I actually resent normal people with happy childhoods
It’s supper hard for me to listen to you because I spend must of the time thinking “Am I wrong? Am I being over reactive ? Should I say something? Should this affect me?”
I really feel like I’m going insane
I know it's been 2 years, but I have a strategy for you that might help if you (or someone else) still need it.
People need time for their emotions to settle before they can get a sense of what truth is. This is why abusive people are always moving you around even when things seem good. In love bombing even, it's about keeping you so busy you can't think.
So if you still struggle with these thoughts, you need to focus on helping your mind find peace and quiet.
To stop the division, you have to find the truth that is true regardless of if you're "too sensitive".
In this case the truth is you care about not deluding yourself. So you care truth and justice even if you're bad at it.
Then it should be a little easier for you to take a breath and orient yourself so that you can sort through which of your feelings are a normal part of a person having boundaries, and which parts are outsized responses because you've felt very threatened.
Forgive yourself for the outsized responses, but still take responsibility for changing them.
I've found that codependency is the foundation for addictions. Addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, sex...when I've been in codependency meetings most in the room are addicts of some form of addiction. 🤔🤔 Thanks for addressing this Patrick. 😊👍
Sex and work. My two addictions. If my body is in fight or flight thinking everyone is ignoring me or I am not feeling reassured, I usually work so hard and long until the rewards kick in to feel valuable, or I chase a girl down for sex. I have slept with three girls in my apartment building in the last two months - it's getting ridiculous. I can't even go onto my rooftop at the pool without an awkward situation. The cycle never ends.
You're smart
@@johnnylongshlong3677 Try the " Allen Carr method", there is a hack book on youtube for free " the easy peacy way to quit porn". It`s about porn, but it will help you alot with the mental " chains" that gets you hooked. I was a pickup artist for many years, and was also a porn addict. But i managed to quit both addictions/obsessions.
The main insight in the Allen Carr method is that there is nothing wrong with you geneticaly. That is there is no " addictiv personality". The reality is that we are brainwashed into thinking sex is a cure for our anxity ( or work). But they will never fix the " itch". The only way is with therapy, and to learn to handle the " discomfort" and anxity. But if you are like a where, you have never learnd that from a young age ( child hood trauma). Instead you chase the " cheese" like a rat running in the wheel. When reality is that short term gratification can never heal our suffering. Instead see the truth. That they are huge part of them. That is they create larger problems in the future after the short term fix ( more anxiety, suffering and so on).
Good luck!
my parents modeled the power struggle family system model. but it was also “i don’t have to be a good parent because your dad/mom is so terrible.” now i stay with and choose people who treat me terribly and try to force them to be better, banging my head against the wall when they don’t change.
Thank you. This has given me a lot to think about. I still can't FINISH any of your videos - they are just too much for me still, but I got a lot from the first 22 minutes.
I'm so glad I saw this comment because I feel the exact same way.
@@liviafelton by the time I get to the second half my mind is already racing thinking about all the ways the video is just so true!
It’s good that you’re aware of your triggers. Continue to monitor them, and as you feel yourself healing, test your progress periodically by seeing how you react to things that were too triggering and painful to get though.
Keep doing this all throughout your healing journey to chronicle where you are in your reintegration process. WIshing you the best in your path to wholeness. 🙏✨💕
Bite-sized progress is still progress 👍🏾
I had to take it in segments as well.
I'm not sure why I picked the people I did as a teenager. Most times it felt like I just "drifted" into relationships, not because I was really into these people or had a crush. It just kind of... Happened. Like I didn't control it. (Cw: abuse. Also this will be a giant comment.)
When I was 14, I knew that a quiet guy was into me, a newish friend of mine, and while I wasn't into him at all, I thought I might as well go for it as he was guaranteed to like me. Maybe I thought it would be a "safe choice". We dated, and didn't really have strong feelings, at least I didnt, and if he did, he didn't express it. When I broke up with him after a long time, he seemed to completely disintegrate and started to cry and beg me to not do it. This was strange, as he had been a complete concrete wall during the relationship. He never wanted to talk about deeper stuff and it had bothered me.
The next boyfriend I had, I actively sort of disliked before we started being together. I was not attracted to him, but I found myself spending time with him. He was very impulsive and rebellious, but not in a "cool guy" way, more of a way that made him "that weird guy in school". I don't honestly remember how we started dating, I think he asked me over text. I think the attention felt good, and something about him made me interested, even if I didn't feel that sort of love. We entered into a super toxic relationship, he was very dismissive and unreliable, went ghost and put me on a rollercoaster of emotions. He was always getting in trouble. I was on eggshells all the time and tried to figure out ways to make him stay and calm him down. I thought, if I threw enough love at him, he would become better. He liked to make me upset, I think, and then enjoyed blaming me for my reactions. He enjoyed the control. At some point I stopped getting angry and just got sad. I made excuse after excuse for him and blamed myself for the abuse I was facing. I was pathologically jealous, as he was always commenting on my looks and comparing me to other women and saying I would look better if I did X, Y and Z. I felt like I had to fight to get crumbs of safety, crumbs of that feeling of him loving me and choosing me. He said some really disturbing stuff to me and coerced me into a lot of things I didn't want to do. After 2 years of that, I thought it was love. I was too deep in, I couldn't just leave. It was an attachment strengthened by all the trauma I guess. But there was no love there. I just hoped I could save him, help him, make him a good person, and maybe he would love me and care for me. I realized he made me suffer and I knew he had strong narcissistic traits. But it felt impossible to leave, I felt like I had had my wings clipped. At some point however, I got him to admit he had feelings for someone else. That gave me strength to leave him, I finally had something tangible to hold on to while I kicked myself away from him. He did his best to get me to stay, even tried to bring his parents into it and got them to tell me how falling in love with others during a relationship was normal and I should just accept it. I finally got away after 2 and a half years.
I was determined not to date anyone for a while after. Unsurprisingly, I soon found myself in a quasi-relationship with a guy that was more charming than my ex but just as "dark". He cheated on me, and I got away after a couple months.
A couple more similar situations happened, but then finally I met my now-boyfriend. I didn't feel immediate sparks of attraction or any sort of pull towards him, but he made me feel inexplicably safe and warm. My brain just told me that this was a good feeling and I should follow it, and thank goodness I did. He is my first safe romantic attachment. It's been 4 years now and I feel like a completely different person. I really love him. I feel empowered and in control of my life and I completely trust him. I don't feel like I have to change him or help him. I feel like I want to care for him, just as he cares for me. This relationship has healed a lot of my trauma and I feel like even if this ends, I'm still so much better off than I was before it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I wasn't going to read a long, sad story, but for some reason, I kept going until the end. 'Glad I did. I'm 59 and have never been in a healthy, caring relationship because I feel I am not attracted to kind men. I assume they are not attracted to me either. I feel like I can't trust my judgment to look after myself.
I love how you describe how you feel "inexplicably safe and warm" with your new boyfriend and you feel that you are healing a lot of trauma within the relationship. I know that's how love should feel but I've never felt that. Long ago I just decided that I am not the type who gets to experience healthy, mature love. I never observed it growing up, so I don't even know what it looks like.
As an adult I buy gross old houses and completely transform them, then rent them out or sell them. Each house I buy, I take on as a project. The ones that I live in, I transform into a "sanctuary" for my soul, where I will feel safe and comfortable. After listening to Patrick's explanation, it's no surprise that this is what I do. I am seeking to create the safety and warmth that I did not feel as a child.
Thanks for telling us that you were able to turn the corner and actually let your healthy boyfriend into you life. It gives me hope that my life could hold that possibility as well.
@@rae717 Thank you for taking the time to read and respond and share your experiences. I'm so sorry for all the trauma you have been through. I know it's really hard to believe sometimes, when your inner critic gets so mean, but it absolutely is possible for people like us to find love in our lives and heal some of that pain we have. Don't ever tell yourself it's "too late" for you, because it's really not. I don't want to trigger you so I'm not going to go into detail about how negative and messed up my self image has been since childhood, just trust me when I say that I have absolutely hated myself and devalued myself, repeating that what was taught to me as a child. And yet, here I stand, not perfect, not completely healed, but feeling some type of love towards myself. Hope. Feeling strongly protective of and empathetic towards my inner child, and believing, above everything, that the child and the adult she grew up to be are worthy of love. I trust and I know that you are the same way, and you hold the same capacity. Loving someone, in a healthy way, can help you understand how to give that love to yourself. But you have to be open with your person and willing to explain to them what you come from and why it's hard for you. Sending hugs to you 💖
@@chatnoir9038 Thanks for sharing your story...I relate to unknowingly drifting into things as you called it. I'm so glad you found someone you feel safe with and also that you don't feel the need to control or change. However, for me I carry this fear of being/staying with a person who is not aware of their trauma and coping style. I agree you should never force someone to heal but I don't know if I could stay with someone who doesn't recognise or want to heal either. I'm not sure if you're with a person on a healing journey but would be interesting to hear your thoughts :)
@@Stephie_L That's interesting. Correct me if I'm wrong, you are referring to being scared of being with a person who has not done the emotional work of understanding their own past? Someone who isn't self-aware and just generally aware of their own trauma?
I would say that it's very difficult to be with someone like that, especially as a person who has done a lot of work on themselves. You don't want to be put in the position of having to do that work for the other person as well. And this emotional labor is very often placed on women especially. In my opinion, you have the right to draw that boundary, that you don't want to be with someone who is way behind you in their healing. However, I will say that there are some good people out there, and some of them might still have a lot of realizing to do, and I guess you just have to wait a bit and see and decide for yourself whether you can be around for that. I don't advise anyone to enter into a relationship of any kind with the ecpectation of that person changing, but I think there is some leniency. If someone has already started to do that work, even a little bit, then it can be much easier, but I wouldn't want to deal with an unaware brick wall and be the one to initiate the whole process. I'm not qualified to do that.
My partner, as men very often are, is less aware of his own emotions than I am. But that is not to say he is completely unaware. He might have some issues recignizing certain emotions but he is very good at communicating what he's going through. He is also just much more stable than I am, he is a very happy-go-lucky person and his moods change very slowly and rarely. I think one thing you didn't take into account in your comments is people who just don't have very much trauma, or as much as we do. My partner does not have anywhere near as much traumatic past as I have, but he still has some, of course. He has processed a lot of it, which , I admit, a lot of that processing has happened during our relationship. Not to sound condescending or cruel, but to me, the trauma he's been through seems just a lot more simple and straightforward than mine, and maybe that is why he is more well adjusted. He has a slightly distant relationship with his father, but a very good one with his mother and his siblings, and I think that is why his attachment to me is very much secure and has been so from the beginning. As a contrast, I don't have, and have never had, a secure relationship with either of my parents. I have been bullied from a very young age by my older siblings, I have also been bullied at school, sometimes very severely. I used to qualify for body dysmorphic disorder and I still struggle with mental illness, the worst of them being OCD. My moods fluctuate (less so nowadays, but still) and I am very sensitive to people around me. I am a very anxious person and get stressed out by my work and other things quite easily.
If you were intending to ask the question the other way around, about how someone could be scared to be with someone like me, or how I used to be, let me address that. I have always, since a child, been very perceptive and introspective, I have been analyzing my own behavior and thoughts to a pathological degree. I have been trying to apply logic to my turbulent emotions and trying to keep them hidden from my family as well as I could. While this is not very healthy, it has been helpful as the heightened self-awareness has kept me somewhat lucid amidst even the worst "emotional flashbacks" and other outbursts. I have simultaneously felt a feeling, and known that the feeling was not to be trusted or was not appropriate to the situation. This has helped me to make my partner understand that what is happening to me is not "just my personality", that it's a trauma response, and that when I feel very icky feelings, that they don't say anything about him, or even me, but mostly just about my past. He has been there for me during the worst of that. Not everyone can do that, and it's okay, not everyone has to. But some people choose to, and I argue that they should use their own judgement to determine how much they can handle and see if any change is actually happening or if the same thing keeps repeating with no development.
Wow Rae thats so true about me regarding houses as well and I always asked myself how it’s connected to my codependency, thank you for sharing.
Hello….I was the kid who was invisible, the wallflower. I tried to not make any waves but as I got into my teen years I just could not take much more of my family and just ended up running away when the first opportunity came my way, I was 18 yrs old, just graduated and met a boy…….the sad part about all this is that I left one sick household for another😢. It took years for me to even understand this…..sooooo much heartache and it was not till I was in my 50-60 age range that the picture became fairly clear. For years I had bits and pieces of help, when I would finally slow down, hit a wall, or find myself in another mess. I read so many self help books, went to a few ACA (adult children of alcoholic) and a lot of my adult life I have taken antidepressants, on and off when needed. I am 68 yrs old and my health is not good, I believe that I owe this to my crazy life….I do not smoke,drink and have never taken illegal drugs, but so much stress and fears have weakened me, physically. I wished I had learned so much when I was younger about my family, but……….May God Bless….✌🏾👵🏼🙏🏾
You can't change anyone, you can only inspire them.
I like it.. 🤗
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People with these tendencies can't digest this idea because people change us and get their way with us all the time because we are in a constant state of dysregulation and vulnerability with nothing anchoring us.
As a Bostonian Most of my life, love the analogy in "Boston accent", lol !
Back to the video !
I grew up about 20 minutes outside Boston! Yeah that was great lol
I moved away from the area after growing up there and it's so comforting to hear someone talking about drivin' a shitbox
Grew up in a suburb just northwest of Boston…
It was pissah, Ked!
@@Joelswinger34 it was “wicked” too! 😂
My marriage has been so hard because my husband didn't play the role he was supposed to play. I have come so far over the last year in learning that my husband is my equal and my partner. Letting go has been the best thing I have ever done.
I believe him and I are both co-dependent but on different sides of the circle. As I heal so does he. We are working through this as a team. It's the best!
I’m definitely in this with my current job. I’m always going above and beyond trying to feel valued. It’s exactly the same as my relationship with my mother…
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Codependent No More is an EXCELLENT book. I also recommend the book The Dance of Anger. I learned a lot.
I love all of Harriet Lerner's books - she is such a gift. The Dance of Anger is fantastic.
Wow, those references. Lol. Great analogy. Rings true for me. I just wanted "her" to appreciate me so much that she would be happy.
I’m only halfway in but… this video has been earth shattering for me.
I grew up in a toxic home and experienced complex childhood trauma, and I’ve spent a LOT of time in my adult life reflecting and putting in the time and work to grow and heal and reconcile from that unhealthy upbringing, and I do believe that I’ve made a lot of progress
But this video is what really made me realize *just HOW* much in denial I’ve been, and how much my romantic relationships have been impacted, how much unnecessary grief I’ve subjected myself to, and how much work I still need to do to heal so I can have healthy and *fulfilling* relationships
I’ve been in my current relationship for 3 years, and it’s time I finally rip the bandaid off. I wish it didn’t take this long, but thank you for probably being the final push I need
Thank you
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I agree! I've been in a bad relationship again for almost 20 years! My first marriage was together 14 years! To be honest I never wanted to marry him! I allowed myself to be manipulated! This is a sign of growth, taking responsibility finally!
Anyway, he is critical, angry (he enjoys making people mad), irresponsible, and has crazy spending habits! So I tried to care for him, support him. In short order, I lost my voice! Fueled by fear (what would people think--my mother), shame (I'm not enough), overly responsible (parenting my parents who liked to party--I keep the bills getting paid), guilt (doing for my parents was never enough to get noticed--what's wrong with me?), perfectionism (if I do things right, things will change), and of course, I'm never comfortable being misunderstood! Makes me so manipulatable!
But I'm finding my voice, my eyes are opening, and I'm getting ready to escape the craziness! Thanks for addressing my codependency! Finally, there is hope! Time for change!
Well said, would you say this, its like being in a forest for years then you finally find the way out. Then you get angry. That is took you so long and the exit was there all the time, but you were not " ready " to find the route out. Time has been lost. If only I understood earlier.
@@deb9784 just from watching his other videos, notice that the person that you're in relationship with now has the same type of spending habits that your parents did. I think he says we find people to replace our parents sometimes...
The straightforward language you use, the organized way you present things, plus infographics are truly appreciated. It helps soften the blow of how called out this video makes me feel.
Omg. I’m codependent. When you said “you forget you’re the one that picked the car” it was like a dagger right into my heart. I have been improving a lot on this in the past 5 years, but watching this video makes me feel like I still have so much more to do. I feel very overwhelmed right now. But this was extremely helpful.
“needing to be needed”, what a good descriptor, ive never heard that!!
Also what if I’m both a caretaker AND a “change others” person? I have characteristics of both!
Same. I vascillate between them
I see myself having done both too. I see the 'change others' part as caretaking them, I think.
My inclination if it was me trying to decide I would pay attention to my feelings in the situations that caused me to feel either way, practicing mindfulness. Example if I was in a situation that triggered my caretaking I would pay attention to that situation and see anything consciously that I could try to adjust so that I would stop that pattern. Does that make any sense?
I do too. Mainly caretaker but also some of the other.
As a therapist myself I must say that you are so good at what you do. Thank you
I didn't have people to attach to. My objects were the only consistent thing when I was a kid. I had imaginary friends, in fact I had a group of imaginary people up until my first bout of depression at age 12.
At 13 I was suicidal so my mom got me a puppy. Now I have attachments to pets and even my plants that many can't relate to.
If someone criticizes my pets I get highly defensive.
My attachments are still deeply rooted to objects and when I struggle I turn to my pets and plants for a source of emotional support.
The only unconditional love I knew was from my dog.
this is exactly how I've literally felt about my first car. I literally believed that maybe one day I could refurbish it, even though the frame was rusting out and the transmission had leaked and the gears were all messed up.
I’m really on the left side with people who remind me of my mom, and I’m really on the right with people who remind me of my dad lol
Like, if someone is really aggressive, I dote on them, give them lots of gifts, and drop everything to hang out with them. When someone is kinda wimpy and whiny or gets obsessed with things that they know are hurting them, I yell at them a lot and aggressively try to fix their problems or just get really annoyed.
I thought for a little while that maybe I had narcissistic tendencies, but people in my life didn’t really act narcissistic specifically... they don’t hold themselves up, they just push everyone else down. This makes way more sense to being codependent for me. Like, I’m trying to fix them, I’m not trying to crush them and mold them into me because I think I’m a god.
me too, I'm both and I always feel like I'm off balance. Either I'm the worst person alive and I need to do/be better for others or everyone around me is an idiot and they need to be better. But in reality me and everyone around me is a big chaotic mess.
Oh damn, yeah
I realize that I see my partner like my abusive parent, and I'm starting to treat them the same way.
Same. This is me
@@huginug that really resonates with me.. and every time I have the thought of other people being not good enough it leads me back to the conclusion that I have to be a bad person, I‘m kinda stuck in there
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I've beaten alcoholism, Kratom addiction, abusive NPD relationship with my "soul mate." All by myself.
But goddamn this codependency is tricky.
Yup! The trickiest!
You know, I'm not sure why, but I have more shame about my codependent patterns of behavior than I do about any of my other survival mechanisms-- even the ones that present in ways that make me look like a crazy person. I laughed when you mentioned the alcoholism thing because I've encountered less internalized shame while confronting my own alcoholism than I have with observing my own codependent behavior. And I have so much shame about the alcoholism thing, ha.
It's so much easier for me to have compassion for those other dysfunctional or unhealed parts of me than it is for the codependent ones. I wish I knew for sure why that was. My suspicion is that it's because I don't want to be like my parents (especially not my father as he's been a primary source of harm for me), but I'm not 100% sure that's the whole story. Either way, the level of shame I have around this codependency stuff is deep and suffocating and painful. It's definitely very frustrating.
PS oh hey also I wouldn't turn down a whole video about maneuvering people like how you mentioned with the tomatoes. I've done that kind of thing.
I've just discovered these videos and they are crazy spot on. Your comment, "the level of shame I have around this codependency stuff is deep and suffocating and painful," is how I feel, too.
I can 100% person agree with this. I feel a lot of shame about it. I’m in the “change others” category and for so long I thought I was helping. When I learned about codependency i felt so much shame for manipulating people. Even though I understand I’m just trying to keep myself safe.
May I ask what behaviors you feel ashamed for?
This! I am not ashamed of being a recovering alcoholic, or any of the terrible things I've done in the past. But the codependency brings me the utmost shame.
Holy shit you described my parents in the middle of the video. Stayed together in their unhealthy relationship, while both being on opposite sides of codependency…and now I feel like I am a bit caretaker codependent.
v
I can relate.
This is sooo good!! Thank you. My mother was a missionary and a sales person. Beautiful, adored, a leader in her church circle and overly giving to others but so neglectful of her 3 children. I was parentified and her emotional confidante starting as a 4 year-old. She’s been gone for 15 years and It’s been tough to reflect back on our neglect because her friends who are alive still see her as a saint. How can you question as saint who was the go to person for loads of people? This was extremely helpful in seeing why the overtly giving (needing accolades) people bug me so much. I feel instantly manipulated and don’t trust them. It also gave me clarity about my father choosing a controlling second wife and throwing in the towel on his first batch of kids to please her. Thank you Patrick!! ☺️
“Comfortable with being misunderstood.”
I needed to hear all of this, but right now this point especially resonates in my heart.
Thank you! 🙏🏽❤️
Really excellent. I was parentified at 4 so dealing with codependency is definitely part of my work.
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I have found that working on emotional sobriety has been really helpful for changing my codependency. Emotional sobriety is about learning to step out of anything that creates emotional overwhelm or emotional contagion. It’s not a good thing to be so off balance all the time. This included addressing my own addictive behaviors, but is also largely an attitude shift towards other people.
I think I was set up to think that being overwhelmed by other people’s emotions was part of being connected and being loving. Now I see it as being overly enmeshed and I work on finding better boundaries with overwhelming people.
I just wanna say that I love this channel and I really appreciate you sharing this expertise with us. 💜
I second this!!
I third this!
I 4th this!!😀
5th this! I learn so much in every video!
When I was looking at the venn diagram, and thinking about my [enmeshed/codependent] relationship with my mom, I realized that we flipped sides: when I was a child I would be more on the "caretake" side and she'd be on the "control" side... nowadays, we are still codependent but I am more controlling and she is more on the other side. To this day, depending on the type of person I am dealing with - whether they remind me of my dictator mom in childhood and my pushover/victim mom now - I can be on either side of the venn diagram. (My mom is in an emotionally abusive relationship and probably tried to reclaim some of her power by controlling me as a child, so it makes sense that she would flip back and forth according to the circumstance/person, too.)
I find it sad/annoying that I have to be doing research to undo my parent's damage to my mental health and I can't go to them about it because I'm "too young to have struggles" and I "don't know anything about life"
Patrick, your concept of settling really matches up with my parents. Both had low self-esteem and resented each other because they wanted more and had the inner conflict of not deserving more. Each blame the other for their unhappiness.
This is definitely myself and my mom. I’m the caretaker and she’s the changer.
I’m so glad I’m out of that abusive relationship. Thanks for analogy. He was traumatizing me consistently whilst making false promises to stop drink etc. I also believe that as they isolate you and your walking on eggshells you become codependent. I don’t fix people I can barely fix myself at times. He’d get worse when I ignored him, crazy behaviors.
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If there's any correlation between organization and prioritization skills as an adult and childhood trauma can you make a video about it 🥺 PS this video was amazing and made me more comfortable in my decision to break up with my partner
I would like to second that! I struggle with organizing and prioritizes as well.
Yes!! Another second!
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Ayisha, thanks for being here. I wrote such a long comment about my own stuff. You hold so much power. Release the negative and hold on to the positive. You'll know what to do. Much love 🌌💖💫
I would like an answer to this question too.
Man I watch your videos & I really gotta give myself credit for being as normal as I am. I grew up with narcissistic brother & stepfather. (They are also EXTREMELY aggressively codependent.) my mom is also codependent. She also plays the victim well. I stayed involved much longer than I should have or even wanted to. But I recognized that neither would stop enabling my brother. I cut my brother off when he broke into my house & tried to steal everything I own. I cut his father off when he blamed me for brother being in jail because he broke into my house. Sometimes I feel like I need to cut my mom off too. She doesn’t want to hear that I don’t want to be part of it any longer. She tries to guilt/manipulate me into “rejoining” the family.
I saw the title of this one and knew it would hit like a semitruck and it did lol; thank you for making this stuff very accessible and not shaming, sometimes I find the more accessible content tends to have biases towards “better” trauma responses. I have to rewatch the shame ones a lot because it hits so close to home my brain dissociates/ forgets it lol. absolutely no pressure to respond, but any advice working on getting out of a super codependent family situation by yourself? I was raised to be super dependent on my mother and it has led to a lot of hurdles disentangling myself from her. (also how to rely or ask help from others without feeling like you’re imposing or being abusive because I know im not a bad person for this but my brain sure thinks I am, even when they’ve offered for me to reach out)
Hi! I saw your comment and felt like responding since I have been through a similar situation with codependent family members. I don't know your exact situation, but for me what has been most helpful is asking any normal family members for advice as well as seeking a good therapist to work with to confide in your situation. Get angry and refuse to help if it is hurtful to you. I also had to end up moving from my childhood home to a new apartment because of my Dad dealing with drugs this past year, things are better now but it was honestly so awful. Also, knowing what is and isn't your responsibility to take care of has been very helpful to me. Because as someone who has issues with codependency that helps to know what lines are yours versus someone else's. For me now it's improving my job or leaving which I should have done a while ago but haven't been able to because of my hope of it getting better. As well as trying to work things out.
I agree, his videos are very accessible but I have to mentally prepare myself beforehand! 😂 I’m also struggling with codependency and I don’t know how to force myself to get out of this toxic pattern. Just by watching these videos and working to heal we are already doing better. Best wishes to you on your journey ❤️
Omg…. I totally relate. I feel like asking people the smallest favor makes me feel abusive. I know intellectually it’s not. But I just feel that way. Probably groomed by my mother and father when I was shamed for asking any help at all
@@jessicamusicslife465 yep I get you, I also sometimes feels like I'm imposing too much on someone if I ask for help, like I've been trained to feel like I'm imposing when I was younger but also that I shouldnt be able to make some basic decisions without asking someone else, like for example when sending an important email I have to quadruple check it and get someone else to check to make sure I'm not being rude or unclear etc etc because my mum / dad could pick even an xmas card message apart very confusing..
I felt this post. I hate reaching out for help because there was always strings attached. When you’re trying to untangle yourself, the last thing you want is another attached string. Much love to ya.
Thank you for clarifying behaviors associated with growing up with childhood trauma and also offering scenarios that may have started the path. Each of the videos I've watched have helped me. Like another commentor...I cannot watch a full video...but because of the sheer amount of information to process. I break them up into 2 or 3 sessions.
I too am from Boston, though I've lived in Oregon for 40+ years. I love the accent...and have always had an unreasonable attraction and affinity to anyone that has one. I am now hearing (in my mind) ...this whole video with the letter "o"distinctives of ah' or aw...such as "pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd" and the "tawnics" and several words joined together such as...the "howahya's"❣
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I'm on the left with people I think like me less than I like them, and on the right with people once we get close. The fantasy is to become the parent I never had, and to see someone else blossom and be happy and grateful for the support. Spoiler alert: Adults don't like being treated like that.
Honestly children don't even like being treated like that. They'd rather be supported in finding their own path than be told what their problem is and forced to do a certain thing to address it regardless of whether they agree.
That's so interesting that codependency and childhood trauma are so linked. I was very codependent and looked up to other people for help until I was like 23 and finally realized no one was ever going to help me the way I needed to help & support myself. I knew it was linked to my own childhood trauma and the way my parent's raised me, but I didn't realize it was so prevalent among other trauma survivors.
It’s hard not to break down crying watching this because it describes exactly how I feel in my current relationship
I’m not being physically harmed but I feel stuck like I can’t leave because he’s my only friend and we’ve been together for eight years we have two kids
I know what I should do but I just feel like I can’t
@Faiza Mahmood Is court worse than what you're living with? Court has a begining, a middle, and an end. But staying in this relationship...is forever.
I'm sorry to hear that.
In a perfect world we would be able to mend our relationships and still find connection to a more amicable community for support.
The 'independent' mindset most people have is what is killing us all.
We are all dependents in some way or another; nothing we attain or think or feel is unaffected by the whole. We all need for others in some way and we all need an extended family outside of our own to survive and make life easier.
I myself find myself in excruciating agony and the lack of positive social networks that line up with my own values is virtually non existent.
Not to mention I have little to no social and life experiences at 35 years old and am facing some serious physical illnesses that I hope God will relieve me from - its happened for some.
If you choose to disconnect - if you have the means to - just know that in some cases an ex may change over time during separation. It could be good for both. But focusing on yourself for your own sake can bring you new love and healthy supports/social connections who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
@@danielbarrera8391 you’re so right and I know. I guess there is also the fear that if this is my personality then I’m lucky that I haven’t become codependent on someone who is truly abusive
I am financially secure on my own I’m just so enmeshed into his family, I moved out of state from my own and like you I have so few social connections. And the thought of seeing him with someone else someday is excruciating
I pray for your healing well
@@nuthinbutluv4u142 I don’t really fear the court system I just feel like we have some happy moments as a family when I’m gaslighted into feeling like everything is fine
I so desperately wanted my children to have a happy two parent home unlike what I had
@@freetobree5323
Well I'm antisocial because my thoughts and feelings and intuition separate me from a lot of people.
Honestly I will no longer watch these videos either because it hurts my heart too much to hear these things in such a cold calculated way.
My personal feelings and intuition tell me that there isn't anything loving or heartful in this area as it might have seemed...
I feel this is going to further division and separation and pain in the world... Not healing.
I've strayed a bit from my own heart since taking these things in it feels better to go as I was before this.
I knew I exhibited some traits of codependency but my jaw was on the floor when all the traits you listed were ones I had. This was the a great kickoff for me to self reflect. Also loved how you listed what codependency is not. Thank you for being vulnerable with your own struggle with this and thank you for the video!
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Patrick, you have no idea how much your videos and wisdom has helped me. My niece told me about you and I am so grateful! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
As a child, I experienced a household with a 20 year COLD WAR between parents. Neither parent ever spoke to each other. Then finally my dad would sit at MOM's kitchen table and TELL her what to believe about life. MOM chose my brother as her confidant. Dad defaulted to relationship with me with an overtone of sexual harassment; rap once on my bedroom door and throw the door open to whatever state of undress. MOM left the house 1 day per week for food shopping and hair dresser to look perfect. Mom was pressured to marry DAD to keep her family on a sharecropper farm owned by DAD's family. DAD is narcissistic This is really unplugging me thank you
I read Codependent No More about 12 years ago without knowing it had anything to do with alcohol recovery - I found it at the library. It was so enlightening and helpful! I should read it again.
It's a fabulous book. I read it in 1989.
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Ugh, this hit way too hard (and was a bit triggering at times, tbh). I am trying really hard to work on my codependency, but it's so difficult. My childhood conditioned me to believe that if I asserted my needs and had healthy boundaries, I would be abused and utterly abandoned (even worse than I already was). It's hard to trust that I can still have my need for connection met if I maintain my boundaries and refuse to engage with toxicity. Or if I put my needs first, people will think I'm not adequately friendly or accommodating and will view it as having poor social skills. How do I trust that there are healthy people out there who will value me, when I feel like I have never encountered any?
I feel this so much, it is such a burden..
I found this triggering too...
You got this ❤
Wow I thought I was alone in being abandoned when I assert myself. I really struggled with this one until i lost a lot of friendships and recognised my control and passive aggression. I bought the book Co-Dependant no more. I work on this trait a lot but you can do it. Give yourself time, admit your faults and be kind to yourself, ❤❤❤
Everyone is only human. The more I listen to this the less likely it going to be a dream relationship with anyone. It's what we do about problems. I'm not sure all this assessing what is wrong is right. It seems the whole thing is for everyone to get help. Even being someone who accepts and lives with the difficult person is at fault. We are all in in imperfect world.
Hi Patrick your example at the end was my exact situation. My father started dating an abusive woman and I challenged him and it created a lot of drama and he ultimately chose her. I was very strong willed but things began to fall apart for me in my 30’s. All the cracks and acting strong just led to full on depression and many other issues. I have a lot of work to do but channels like yours help me understand the shit I’m dealing with. I’ve been in healthy relationships but I’ve also been in ones that modeled this same pattern. The last guy had the same birthday as my father. How sick is that?! I think the most codependent relationships I’ve been in are the ones with my parents. 😔
As all the hurtful things that have ever happened to me, being called codependent hurts just as deeply. It’s a really mean blanket term and it pushes me further into just being on my own.
I really appreciate your videos as I can’t afford therapy, and probably would never trust a therapist if I could. I prefer to work things out on my own. So thank you for taking the time to help people like me.
Think of the term as control by dependency, because someone is being allowed to control you by letting you be the responsible caregiver. Its a sick manipulation we are taught by our parents or other adults to children. It's sick and twisted.
You are not alone in your feelings of the word, which is so overused incorrectly.
Sometimes call the s**t abuse.
❤
@@loli3939 I think I understand the term a little better since posting this comment. However, I do think it has been used incorrectly toward me in the past. Am I codependent, yes. But when some have told me that they have spit the word out very maliciously. So, I just avoid those people.
I really need this tonight, Patrick. I just established my boundaries and my codependent mother is absolutely not having it. I cannot back down, though. I need to stand up for myself. Thank you so much for this.
This was actually very helpful in an unexpected way. While I do have some codependency issues, one of my biggest fears in my relationship is that I have codependency with my partner, but seeing it all laid out? Not really, actually. I'm in a healthy situation for the most part. I do have a few issues on the left - needing to be needed and doubting what I bring to the relationship, for instance - but we communicate it when we hit boundaries or when one of us is behaving in a detrimental way to the relationship. It's not clinging to something that's not working, it's two childhood trauma survivors coping with each other's support (and treatment lol).
That's kinda great honestly.
Hi Patrick,
You have no idea how much you’ve helped me understand my anxiety and depression. I’m currently seeing a remarkable therapist and taking meds, but it wasn’t until I listened to your videos that everything clicked for me. You have changed my life. Thank you.
I love the overlap between codependency types (great graphic) and attachment styles. Caretakever being anxious-preoccupied and change others being more like dismissive-avoidant (notice how the strategies allow an avoidance or denial of vulnerability). I'm a fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment style and so i use both/all strategies depending on the person, situation, and how I'm feeling. So interesting. I love attachment theory so I always love seeing parallels. In the past, I did not recognise that I'm codependent because i had certain stereotypes of what codependency looks like in my head, but it turns out i just didn't understand codependency or myself that well.
I always thought co depend meant you always had to have a boyfriend because you don't think you can survive on your own. Or needing a boyfriend to be happy because you can't be happy on your own. So someone who breaks up with a boyfriend of 2 years would be in a new relationship within a week. I know several people who do this and I always thought it was because of co dependance. Thanks for shining a light on what it really means.
I thought the same thing
One way to understand is look at the word itself, COdependent. It is in contrast to the word INdependent, where each person is taking responsibility for themselves... The codependent refuses to take responsibility for part of their life and,/or takes responsibility for part of someone else's..
That book is life changing. I always thought I was a caretaker, but I see I have some dreams about people changing as well. Thank you for this video!!!
Years ago my sister got a puppy but the dog was never normal. It was totally unpredictable and aggressive. When my sister couldn’t care for it, my mom swooped in. My parents took it to trainers, it was on medication, had all kinds of special food and toys and still could not be around the family. For two years my mom’s energy went into this dog no matter how unhappy she was. The thousands of dollars they spent on it could not make it a peaceable or trustworthy animal. She couldn’t let go of it because she was convinced it would affect her relationship with my sister and seemed repeatedly surprised when it didn’t get better. Now I can see almost every marker of codependency in my mom in many other ways. Makes perfect sense, we lived the car analogy in a different form
Recently read that book, I'm still working out my own codependency (I'm definitely "change others"). Thanks for this video, it's given me a few new areas to approach my thoughts from.
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When I was in therapy in middle school the therapist said my mom and I were codependent, but never sat down and explained it. And as I look back it was true, but that therapist along with several others never actually listened to what I was experiencing..
My relationship with my mom improved a hundred times over after I moved out, even if my parents weren't getting along better.
Thank you for explaining why this is a painful and unhealthy relationship dynamic.
A Calming video on How bad parents are made. th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
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Oh man. My relationship with my mom was a million times better once I moved out, but I'm back because of covid financial trouble and the codependency and misery is back. Totally exhausted
wow! the controlling and navigating thing was an eye-opener. What I notice is that a lot of these are older things that I recognize as my old self but they have been less and less active in my current repertoire. But I also think that being inter-cooperative and helpful in a healthy way is a wonderful thing. It took me a long time to figure out how to to just be rather than behaving from trying to be or not be some sort of person. A loving, reasonably healthy partner can help so much.
I read that dang book 2x and never quite got out of it as much as I got out of this succinct video. I'm going to watch this video a few more times and lay some foundation before tackling that book again--now that I have the key. Thank you kind sir 🙏
Same
@@jenni4claire ♡
I got new boundaries when I found a friend similar to me and she had had a normal childhood, so she showed me what is normal in loving platonic relationship. I was middle-aged.
I am grateful for this powerful topic. It was a hard topic to understand 3 years ago but I knew I needed to challenge myself with understanding it. I have more work to do especially in times of stress and fear. I am at peace with the recovering codependents that I have met. The popularity of this type of awareness is a blessing. The books and support groups are a great relief in helping me work through all types of trauma. I am also in therapy and that is helping me process and let go of what needs to go. I am interested in more homework exercises related to this subject.
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I am definitely a caretaker. I was told by my mother and my first husband how little worth I had and how others had great worth. Including themselves. I have zero self esteem and am working hard on that
Feeling seen in this way has helped me so much not just this video. All of your videos have rocketed this growth and in feeling secure in my feelings.
I have known of co-dependency for so long but this is an eye-opener! I love the way you put these together, examples and all, it just hits different, so very helpful. Thank you.
I was "diagnosed" as codependent. I definitely identify as somebody who treads both sides. I had been more left prior to being identified, and now I feel I identify strongly on the right side. I am officially backing counseling to look at this. When he says it is like an engine driving you're very being he is not wrong. I don't know how to default to any other system. I don't know how to not try to control every action and reaction. Feel like I'm always playing a game if chess because there are moves and counter moves. I don't know how to trust myself or other people or not assume that there's ulterior motives.
Would be very interested in a video about people who over navigate other people. I call it passive controlling behaviour and I find it to be extremely difficult to manage without coming across as irritated by the behaviour.
Love you videos ❤️
it is an interesting one isnt it!!
A Calming video on How bad parents are made. th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
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We learned to navigate our abusers to try and avoid abuse. Magical thinking of course, we got abused regardless of our rituals and chants. But it felt like being in control when we otherwise had no control, so now we treat everyone like that
This is so helpful. I realized my ex was very co-dependent because I was too before therapy and he fits exactly on the right side whereas I was on the left.
Yes, I did enjoy Patrick’s comedy stylings! Also, I’ve been in recovery for over 15 years soaking up Melody Beattie and my favorite, Pia Melody. Struggled through the past two years in CPTSD, and after coming SO far… I feel like I’m finally at the starting line!!! Yay! This video is awesome in so many ways, I so appreciate it! I’ll replay 4 or 5 more times to digest it all. And when I say “awesome”, I’m talkin awesome like Farley and Sandler on SNL awesome!!! 😂
Patrick, the bit about 'shaming the car' was so funny - and accurate! Put me in mind of a famous scene from Fawlty Towers (one of our comedy classics this side of The Pond.) I've always been incapable of giving up on, sometimes abusive, romantic relationships, often lasting years, which very obviously didn't work, with men whom, to my amazement, I was able to get over within the space of about a week, having ridden-out the initial withdrawal! My model was 2 parents who disliked each other intensely, but didn't separate. Evidently example is the most powerful tool a parent has to influence a child. What's scary is that I can see how I've applied this make-do attitude in almost every area of my life, despite having intentionally stayed single for years. I think it's just as well I have. There's work to do. In that time I've had to watch my younger brother repeat the same pattern. The only advantage might be that he's trapped now, but I'm not.
@@rebecca8482 Tree branch!
@@rebecca8482 😂Yes! I'll have to look it up and re-watch it now.
A Calming video on How bad parents are made. th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
Thank you 🙏 Patrick, I hold onto every word you say. You deserve millions of subscribers. God bless
Thank you for the valuable information you share in these videos.
My 94 year old mum has been living with my husband and me for the past three years, since the lockdown began. No matter how hard I try to please her, it’s never enough. It’s like a bottomless pit. She has no concept of boundaries or personal space. It’s always been that way, but as she was developing dementia, she seemed to have changed. I was wrong. She hasn’t changed at all.
Both my husband and I were brought up to be codependent. Unfortunately , I see it in our grown up sons too 💔 We have worked very hard on ourselves and our relationship, but we still managed to get ourselves into this situation. We are both kind hearted people, and struggle with feeling guilty about getting out of this. It was only meant to be until the worst of the pandemic had passed, but with one thing and another, that’s not the way it has played out.
I am now dealing with depression and health issues, and I know very well that it comes down to my continued issue with being codependent. It’s really challenging to change these patterns of thinking and behaviour, but I’m determined. Something needs to change. I feel like I’m losing myself and the progress I had made in my journey of healing.
I’m going to check out your courses.
I cried at the end when you were describing what codependency isn’t because I realize how far I’ve come. Thank you. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤
same I cried ugly tears, I've grown by leaving a relationship recently as I was waiting for them to change but not reflecting on my own needs, this is the first time I've left without waiting. I'm probably crying because I'm proud and it's scary. Sending you care ❤️
Hey Patrick, I recently experienced my first in-patient visit and this was one of the first subjects taught to me there that really opened my eyes to this codependency problem in myself. I'm glad you picked this topic today, I'm always learning more and more from your channel about things to address in my one-on-one counseling. Thank you for making this information more easily accessible for viewers like me who want to know more!
There is a lot for me to take in here. I'm definitely on the left of that chart but I also get frustrated by people who take up loads of my time wanting advice while they continually self sabotage. I think my ultimate fantasy in these relationships is that I just love to see people thrive and become their best version of themselves. This is definitely what I didn't get from my parents. I had to work for my parents growing up and anything I did, that didn't serve them, lead to abuse. The underlying anxiety and self criticism has made me very vulnerable, insecure , rebellious and defensive. I have been an absolute rescuer because I do genuinely see the worth in people. I see how we all need a hand up once in a while and a bit of encouragement can go a long way to helping people reach their dreams. Life is precious ! I have also unwittingly been victim to some narcissistic people who completely took advantage of me and controlled me like my parents did. I am a fountain of 'narcissistic supply' 😆 I always fall for it , responding to the needs of others yet unable to ask for help when I need it. Recently I have fallen into a real pit of self neglect and am trying to sort myself out. My parents shamed us if we did something nice or rewarding or fun for ourselves. Even just playing as children they would say "stop wasting your energy and do something useful". Travel was also viewed as horribly selfish and wasteful and only for people who were miserable in their own lives. So learning to remove those lies from deep in my psyche to really begin a self care journey is challenging and filled with guilt and shame. I've ended many toxic friendships in the past few years and am very withdrawn and confused now as I don't trust myself to make healthy friends or my ability to maintain my own healthy boundaries. Watching videos like this is really helpful in demystifying how I came to be this way and hopefully how to heal.
I find addressing my codependency to be a major struggle, bringing feelings of guilt and shame that keep me stuck. Despite my awareness of its negative impact on my life, behaviour and relationships, I feel powerless to make changes, especially as I get older. However, I am willing to try the book you recommended. Thank you.
Thanks Patrick. This I think is my way in to dealing with my codependency.
Having it clearly explained from behaviour- feeling symptoms point of view.
I have struggled with ways to identify the traumas as the particular chaos experienced growing up looks so different to the 'usual suspects' . Having it identified in this way makes it clear that it is what it is, so I can work back to the systems/ models that approximated to parental models on aggregate. 🙏
Ive never had codependency broken down so clearly for me! Thank yoi! What i have also recognized is that their is a chem addiction when it comes to codepend and so you hv to treat it like any other addiction. Once you are aware of the role you are playing, observe yrself leaning into that role and pay attention to how you get a "high" off of playing that role. As you learn to observe you eventually will be able to decide that you dont want or need that high anymore and you will suddenly stop. I also found that when you choose another healthy "project" to replace the unhealthy project (caretaking/changing), yr taste for the THC/nicotine/dopamine hit will wane. I have been able to recognize myself playing both roles in hindsight and when i have gotten so deep into the relationship it was hard to come out! Recently i caught myself getting addicted and anxious and was trying to fig out what was happening. This video is just in time to help me see clearly how im falling into the trap again and to affirm--in spite of my guilt and confusion--that it is best to pull back and to self-fuel and refocus on my vision.
Literally lived all my life thinking "codependency" had nothing to do with me at all, since I've spent most of my adult life single, living on my own, working on my self and my career, and generally spend an entire relationship trying to end it. Or I pine after people unavailable. Here's what I don't get. I went to therapy and this was never once mentioned. It was always "you're picking the wrong people, so stop" as if I had any clue what that would mean. The right people weren't into me so I would act super passive to make them happy and they'd dump me after a few months, and the wrong people were so hard to be with I'd try to change them. So Patrick - does this relationship dysfunction actually screen out healthy people? How does one become attractive to healthy people? It's too late for me, but maybe not for other folks reading this.
It sounds like you dont trust the right person to love you for you are.. you are enough already.. whether in a relationship or not.. a relationship is a bonus which some people want.. but its def not a bonus if it's worse than being single..
So when I started dealing with my trauma, I realized I was waiting for my sister to give me a turn. She would be done with her things she was going through, I would get a turn. but, she got better, so I started taking up small bits of space saying I had anxiety and I needed her to respect those needs.
She got mad at me for having the needs. I feel like she was so use to me just accomodating her, that she took my needs as a personal threat.
So I had to leave, she didn't ever see my needs as valid, or true.
Well done on this video--it's tricky to tell people they may have developed these unhealthy interpersonal characteristics, and Patrick did this in such a caring way. It was very tough for me to even hear the word at first. The more books I read on it, the more journaling I did, and the more I realized that the problems in my relationships really resided within me and only I could change them, the healthier I became. I also spent time being single and developed my own healthy lifestyle outside of any romantic relationship and realized that I could be happy and love my life. Slowly working toward that within relationships is finally happening for me after years of work. I have to remember that I developed these characteristics growing up in dysfunctional and abusive family systems & they were the best ways I could find to be okay and sleep at night. Now, when I catch myself leaning into them I talk it through with my partner or therapist. I hope that anyone reading this is encouraged, because you can change. We are all still learning and growing. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie truly changed my life for the better. You're not alone and you can heal too.