That's how I feel. I'm so angry at how n.father carried on was a scary man and how mom who I now believe apart from being a great enabler flying monkey is a lower level vuln.narc. apparently everything Is okay because you got clothes food shelter presents on your birthdays etc.. and taken on trips. No it's NOT! All it does is leave you feeling guilty for the things they did do but it doesn't in any way make up for all the traumatic experiences loss of yourself loss of your true self your psyche and the life you could have had that you doubt yourself and bow to the alter that is your parents. Doing the work I feel less guilt less cog Diss and way more anger! The loss of self trust is a priceless loss... they didn't kill us but they killed our true selves.... now I don't trust them and I trust myself more each day. I've made many mistakes and I Could forgive theirs if they had changed and been accountable but they haven't and won't. The times they neglected ignored hit raged ranted smashed a toy stonewalled silent treatments passive aggression screamed if i coughed or mafe a noise didnt listen blamed scapegoated compared me unfavourably to others made me do things I didn't want to didn't help with things I did want to didn't care how I felt didn't protect me from the abuse of others. I look after my dogs psyche more! 🙏🙏
@@bereal6590 And not only didn't protect from abusers but most times enabled/reinforced them with this old, worn out (if I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times) question..."What did u do to cause that to happen?" or "he/she/them to do that?" No wonder I overexpain to this day! I was always guilty until proven innocent (which almost never happened) by both parents!! There is good reason for anger once kids get older & wiser and truly understands how mean/cruel this treatment of an innocent child is, IMHO. Yes, roof over head/food on table, but systematically pulverized psyche throughout childhood. Then the rejection continues into adulthood. U think u grow up & it's over. NOT! The game plan is just tweaked. 🥺
"Do you overly explain yourself in an unnecessary way defensively? Do you get really triggered when you're misunderstood by someone?" I replayed this entire section 4 or 5 times because I couldn't believe that a total stranger was explaining my life to me so clearly. Thank you Patrick for the incredible work you do 🖤
I repeat myself a lot when stressed. I hate that I do it. Especially when I do it when upset with my own kids. I try hard to ensure they don’t get “messed up” by me. Both of my parents are toxic. My father’s love is conditional. My mother ridiculed me a lot, insulted my body from my very early years..before 10yrs old. She kidnapped my brother and had an affair when I was 9. Left me home saying she was just going shopping and was missing for 4 months. My Dad gave me to an Aunt to care for me. When my mom returned she took me from there. I don’t want to get into it all. I was later abused sexually by my mom’s new husband. She is still with him. It’s been a lot of head games from her. There was physical abuse from my mother as well. Belts, cords, whatever to beat me with. Teen years were all about self destruction and promiscuity to make what my step father did have less value. I gave it up to guys as I felt they’d just take it anyways. I’ve gone through intense healing. I still have work to do at 43 years old.
"You were doing your best with absolutely no help" The compassion in that statement is emotionally overwhelming. I had no idea how badly I needed to hear it ❤
@@jillbrady4036 Those adults who witnessed a child being abused and did nothing are considered co-abusers. It doesn't change history but at least people are realizing something was very wrong there.
@jillbrady4036 I have a theory that it's because a pillar of most people's self-identity is their community, feeling safe in it and when they see something that violates this need, they censor it out/shut down. it's a trigger essentially. on a related note, also the fear of rocking the boat or of standing out or of authority because they'll have to talk to the police or DSS and maybe go to court too. another factor is maybe they're abusing their kids behind closed doors too so they fear the what goes around comes around of ratting someone else out. and there's a strong element of "good neighbors mind their own business" in the western European ancestral tradition. this is what my own life review has shown me. I hope it helps and if your question was rhetorical, forgive my long reply 😁 (on a note related to that I also theorize that Asperger's isn't high functioning autism it's a symptom of emotional/social neglect at home. your feedback is more than welcome. 🙏🏻❤️🩹
"Toxic people have no right to tell you who you are". Thank you for validating that. All survivors should acknowledge that quote and keep it close to their hearts.
I'm going to memorize it as both mantra and to have a ready response when confronted with that BS. I doubt it'll do anything to/for the narcissist, but it will assist me. "Toxic people have no right to tell me who [I am]. 🙂
I have so many of your videos set to "watch later" as I ease into facing my childhood trauma. You make me even moreso want to do the work. You make me feel less afraid of the emotions that will come up and the depth of trauma that I've experienced. The fact that you make these long informational videos, with so much empathy and understanding radiating from your being/voice.. I wish we all had an in-person therapist just like you. I have so much love for you/your work. Thank you so much.
Absolutely same here- his channel and content has seriously helped me so so much especially with inner child work and managing my anger or my negative emotions that are faced towards abusers that I might see in other random people which makes me feel out of sorts when in public. So glad other people have been getting help from his videos too :,)
I’ve been working on this for over 30 years and this man has finally reached me, exactly what I need to jump start my own work and make it actually work!! Been taking DBT, behavior modification and talk therapy and, while I understood what was said, I couldn’t apply it to my life!! I’ve been stuck at 8 years old, stuck screaming silently in my head for the past 52 years!! I’m doing his “homework/journaling” and after less than 2 hours; I’m able to see where to start!!
Anyone else had parents who would say "oh, so we are the cause of ALL of your problems" sarcastically when you are trying to address trauma issues? I heard that phrase in my head over & over in my head when I listened to this video.
Which is why he addresses that this work should be done with a trained therapist using an empty chair. He stated it was not helpful to share this with the parents or family.
Sending you love it’s the worst type of humiliation and pain yet we are trapped in the cycle like a hamster on a wheel, thank God for these beautiful people that pod cast and help so many, I’m so weary of fighting this battle let’s do the work to be free my friend. I wish you well ❤
My mother would scream at me that I “just look for reasons to be upset” while she called me names, told me how awful I am, useless, too sensitive etc. classic narcissist gaslighting. I do not miss her.
I hear ya Dee. And if you call them out and turn the tables, you're only digging yourself a hole. These "people" are better left alone. Haven't talked to my Narc Mom for a year and a half and she doesn't see she's done anything wrong. In fact it's "me" dealing with "my" issues. She's completely immune to any wrong doing.
That expectectation to be 'a good kid' is such a subtle dysfunction, it sets you up to be a people pleaser in a very I serious way that you may take a while before you even realize it's been jeopardizing your life, always wanting to come off as good at home, with friends, at work, to strangers, you're more willing to be uncomfortable just so that you don't rock any boats. This video has been very helpful
This hit home. I spend every minute of every work day anxiously waiting for someone to scold and humiliate me for something I did or didn't do, and I make myself miserable and want to quit on a daily basis. In reality, I'm actually a valuable employee who rarely gets told anything negative. I see unfinished business everywhere.
The cruelest part of coming from the Isle of Misfit Toys, is that by the time we fix what the narcissists broke, we’ve already missed the boat and are left to lament what might have been.
I realise I want my partners to be the father I didn't have. Sweet, understanding, see me, hear me, etc. But.. inner child aside, I still want a partner who sees me and treats me kindly so I don't know how to tell the difference between the unhealed unmet needs from my chilhood and how those same needs may be met from an adult perspective. I hope I make sense. Thank you so much Patrick ❤️✨
We're deprived of things we need, notice how you can't be deprived of trips to Disney and call it child neglect or abuse. Both adult and inner child need to be seen, tenderness, to be understood...etc. When we're deprived the need becomes urgent and more pronounced. And we seek it out with more ferocity because we feel a void from the lack of it. I think the difference between a wounded need and a healthy need would be what we're willing to do to meet them. If the partners you're attracting are healthy and wanting to freely meet the need, its healthy. If they're toxic and you're keeping them around for the perceived need, it's a wound.
I think the difference comes from you, not your partner. I used to be super demanding ("This is what I need you to do for me to be ok) and sometimes clingy, but I didn't realize that. Now that I see it from the distance, I was like the little kid who's repeating the same phrase over and over until the adult pays attention. Healthy partners ran away from me and I was in a cycle of narcisistic douches. What made me change was someone with healthy boundaries. I must admit, at the beginning I didn't like it, I thought it was somehow disrespectful to not "give everything" (this is what my family modeled for me), and I was in the victim role all the time, but they stood steady like "I'm here, I love you, but I'm not doing what you want just because you say so". In time I realized I could have boundaries too and it was life changing. To summarize: what is you emotional (not rational) reaction to boundaries? (do you feel sad, left aside, abandoned, angry...?). From there, you build up the difference between healthy and unhealthy from an inner compass. And here's something I heard that helped me a lot: "When you want someone to give you everything, only a liar will tell you they can". Best of lucks
I think the difference depends upon whether you choose a partner who that gives you what you need, or whether you choose someone who doesn’t, thus creating scenarios that allow you to play them out again and again until you heal, and choose the right one. Perhaps in your case it’s not about trauma, but rather recognizing what your love needs are according to the role you had with your father.
@@Dan_Chiron wow that's exactly where I am. You explained it so well. I've just broke free and met the healthy boundary people. I'm still telling myself they must hate me. It's not true. It's weird eh.
By watching your videos, I realized I have a hard time understanding social cues, unspoken rules and expectations (especially in romantic relationships). And it’s because my parents never knew how to act in a world full of other people, as the world revolved around themselves. I never learned how to effectively communicate in society because my childhood was spent plastering a perfect image over a broken family, instead of focusing on building meaningful relationships. Edit: spelling
Wow! Thank you so much for identifying this so clearly. I've wondered for so long over where that came from, and I'm sixty. Best wishes to you in your recovery.
I remember how we had a meeting with child protection services and my mum. When they said "she is clearly delusional and unstable" I was surprised and wondered how they could have possibly figured that out from the conversation, as compared to what I knew she acted very normal that day. No wonder my radar for toxic behaviour is off
I often watch these videos in several parts, because they really get to me (and my coping style is flee.. so.. you know..) "People who don’t get into relationships at all try to finish business by keeping themselves safe, because they were totally unsafe." Maaan, time for another break to think it over. Uncanny how a total stranger can explain your deepest stuff so clearly. You are incredible, Patrick, thank you for all you do.
My god. I just did this. About halfway through, i stop watching and lay in my bed doing nothing for around 30 minutes feeling confuse. I never see myself as being abused but i always gravitate towards this kind of videos and feel so sad while watching them and more often than not i'd stop watching to process some things.
Admitting to your truths is a beautiful thing🥰. Step by step, day by day, your healing will come. Flee when you need to for safety ~ the rest of the world calls that survival. Be proud you know when to do so.❤ You will prevail! Healing vibes and hopes for your healthy future!
I’m so used to diminishing and hiding my feelings that I don’t even realize I’ve been struggling with something until you mention it in a video. These distorted thoughts impact every aspect of my life so much that I hardly notice they’re unhealthy. Thank you for being a voice of truth and clarity into my life. ❤️ Also, the sock analogy was perfect! It’s funny and obscure enough for me to remember it.
I am loving the identity part especially.. I was the “over emotional one” because I’d get sad and angry over their rage and emotional neglect. I carried that pattern into adult relationships. I’ve been single for a long time now and working to let that go.
My best friend was forced to carry emotion for his whole family. It made it easier for them to be withholding and cold while feeling virtuous bc they pretended to pity his brokenness.
I became the “cold and distant” one. What no one saw was that I hid all my emotions inside and behind closed doors because they all made fun of my mom and sister for being overly emotional. To this day, I struggle with sharing emotions outside of my husband. If I’m going to cry I will hold it in until I get home or can close a door.
You were talking about holding them accountable and this sentence popped into my head: "You set me up to coddle unacceptable behavior in order to gain your acceptance." And I had to pause this because that hit really hard.
This is just the thing that I needed to hear. It's my 62nd birthday tomorrow, and I had lost my husband a year and a half ago. I am working through things from. Childhood through our narcissistic marriage. I became "very busy" in order not to sit down and have to think about things ...hurts...and then make necessary changes. But being alone, Journaling, has led me to give myself a lot more credit. Thank you for these videos as I get on with the rest of my life.
Have a really happy birthday, tomorrow (or today, in case of time zone)!!! Just turned 60 on the 28th, and I’m glad you have noticed that, so I’m even more hopeful that I can learn, as well!! Blessings to you and your journey towards your happiness!! Peace ☮️
"How do you deal with ambiguity?" Oof. Yeah, I'm an obsessive "plan for the worst" person. It's the only thing I know that seems to quell my anxiety... for a time. I feel like I never had a sense of security growing up. Maybe that contributed. I was definately the fixer/mediator. I feel like I was expected to be the glue holding our family together, and was always trying to pre-emptively get ahead of the chaos.
same. I used to be the exact opposite and got exhausted trying to figure out why everything was such drama. I learned to not cut corners in planning and wow. different life
Can't say I'm sorry for not confronting my parents while they were alive. The few times I tried I rejected yet again & again. Just hurt on top of hurt & rejection. It was not meant to be. I accept that. The times I tried just reinforced the truth...which is, I was a child. It was not my fault.
Oh yes. I relate so much. Our parents healing was their responsibility, and they didn't do it. Even when presented with the opportunity. I tried endlessly to 'save' my mother, even after parenting her through my entire childhood. Then she died, and I felt a profound sense of failure, deep depression that I never succeeded in saving her. It is absolutely crazy. Three years of therapy later, and amazing resources like this online, and I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes to you xx
Your feelings resonate with me. My mother won't listen or denies gets colder and rejects me for another few years. Now having conversations virtually and getting some peace. It's hard isn't it.
Just wanted to say that your bad analogy worked for me as just now I found myself in a situation with a friend where I wanted to immediately put in so much more effort than I should and realized that I was triggered and that my healing fantasy is that if I do enough or am ‘good’ enough that I will become important to that person and they will engage with me more often . I had a depressed mother . But I caught myself and said “damn it , I’m trying to return my socks at a hardware store again” LOL . Your videos have greatly impacted my life , thank you ❤️
I'll never forget...one of many shrinks I sought out told me after less than ten minutes of questions..."Your parents set u up for failure." He was not looking for affirmation. He was stating the damn truth. I think my parents (for most part) were ignorant and had their own issues. BUT...big but...I had/have issues. But I would never give my kids false or mean "false" advice/suggestions. None of us r perfect for sure. But c'mon...there's just mean and evil for no damn reason. Some of us have experienced that and still don't understand why...why would someone bring u into being, then sabotage u almost every step of the way? It makes no sense. That's why it's so baffling. Love yourself, even if u got little to no acceptance and mostly rejection from as far back as your memory. ❤
We have to fit the narcissists narrative of the loser, the family f*ck-up, the problem child, the selfish and ungrateful one, so our life is systematically sabotaged, all while appearing to be supported to any outsiders looking in, so that if we try to state our truth, we wont be believed.
Maybe your family was like mine: Sadists? I was told that by a cop once. All the therapists around here just hem and haw, pretending to work, and after about a month or so diagnose me as a Lesbian. I assume if they are not a woman or haven’t hit on me that I caught the eye of some Lesbian in their office. Because, it just, never, ends… I am totally signing up for this one’s course. He has spontaneously answered many questions no body else has in decades!!!
Have your inner adult give the parent back their dysfunction. This is my new definition of forgiveness. I don't want to punish myself anymore for what my parent did to me. I will not finish what they started. I got it from here❤
Very often, when I would tell my mom about a decision I was going to make she would "play devil's advocate" to make me "double check" if I was making the right decision. All it ever did was make me think I was that I didn't know anymore if I was making the right decision.
@JaimeGstl Yes figure where its coming from, but also you can practice support with your kids: "That sounds great! Tell me more" Wow, you must be excited" . "That's great! Is there anything you'd like me to help with?" Or even asking them if there's any parts of the decision or plan they're not sure about yet. Then when they tell you you can say, so what do you think? And listen. Valuable because you support their learning to make decisions.
Deliberate destabilization and instilling self-doubt and confusion. Orchestrating a sense of powerlessness and a lack of support is the narcissists M.O. They are sick and twisted sadists with dark hearts. Who could deliberately and systematically do this to a vulnerable child trying to make sense of its world? a world that you bought them into. The best way to deal with it is to have pity on their pathetic characters, shrink them down to size, they tried to make themselves giants and intimidate us, so it is very useful to gain perspective on how small and powerless they really are. Sad little pitiful people.
I can’t believe how was that so related to the thoughts and overthinking I’m suffering from. I even started procrastinating making decisions because I don’t trust myself enough that I will take the right decision. But speaking out loud of this situation made me realize that I’m still acting in that role they put me in. And the real me is much more stronger. I can’t thank you enough for this valuable help 🙏 may god bless you 🙏
YES, speaking out loud about things was such a good idea. I also talk out ideas to myself when I go for walks because I get more clarity than just keeping ideas in my head. Something about verbalizing ideas (even when alone) activates other parts of the brain and allows me to consider things from a different perspective
I relate to this a lot. And I can't help but get angrier angrier the more you explain how as a kid I was manipulated into thinking negatively about myself. I tried a couple times to express how I feel to my parents(in the most respect full way that I can) and all I get in return was excuses for why they did what they did when all I want was as simple as a hug and an apology. Often those conversations just leave me angrier and more frustrated than I was so I just stopped trying to get them to see how much I'm hurt. I can't get rid of my rage tho.
My parents never did apologize for any wrongdoing and b the adults. I was abused for over 15 years by both of you. Take some responsibility as parents. It has been difficult, but I have forgiven them. This I did for me. I took their power away. They can't shame, guilt trip or anything else they want to do to justify their abusive behaviors. I understand the rage. This is anger turned inwards. I had rage as well. The best thing I ever did was to forgive them. It took time and a lot of prayer. I also told my fiance everything and he listened and hugged me. This was after he guessed what was going on in my house. He was the one who rescued me from them when I most need him. His parents also were there, his Dad thought that there might be trouble.
Your anger is warranted. It sounds like your parents will not take accountability. It's frustrating and hurtful. Accept who they are and work on you. Give yourself what they couldn't. You are enough.
I grew up with a lot of sexism (mainly from my dad) and I always was more of a tomboy, wanted to go into engineering (currently in it) and so made the "logical" conclusion that I must be trans, then after a very bad divorce my father kept comparing me to my mother's bad sides and it went all the way to me hating myself. I couldn't wear anything remotely feminine for years without having an anxiety attack. Now after a year with my incredibly loving and supportive partner I managed to wear a dress again, and I think I might actually like it.
I totally get this. It's taken over 2 years after my Dad passed for me to be able to wear dresses and feel feminine. Haven't worn them in front of my mother yet though as I don't want her to comment on anything like that. I have a way to go before I'm okay. Best wishes to you.
I was always pleasing trying to get some approval. Then my mom started saying I was the strong one which was her excuse why I should do everything. She was a horrible abuser and I haven’t had contact now in years. I left her home with the first man and he was just like her. He wouldn’t work and was physically and emotionally abusive. Finally left him and now almost 20 years with a kind man. I’m trying to fix myself so he doesn’t have to feel the wrath of those before him.
My childhood strategy was becoming invisible, which makes greyrocking outside my family of origin a lot easier (I have probably unhealthily strong emotional responses to the bastards, so there's no middle ground between no contact and going berserk), but at the same time makes me "replaceable". Not too good for maintaining stable employment.
I can't believe reading is an addiction. That has always been one of the things I do everyday and all day ever since I can remember. Now that you said it can I have to look back on how when I didn't want to be home I would run to the book store or library and be there from open to closing time everyday to were the staff knew me. Thanks for your video's it's hard dealing with trauma and childhood one at that. I'm still trying to find out what role I played in the family. I almost go numb to my feelings to were now it's hard to tell how I truly feel.
Me too. Crazy aye. Have read thousands of books. I have now realised that when i met my partner who is great, i don't feel the need to read anymore... Never thought of why
Had a LOT of trouble learning to read. Neighbor girlfriend said, "Books help you escape your life." around 3rd grade. She was a ministers daughter. I soon became an obsessive reader. When unnoticed, direspected or threatened ... I still retreat onto books for hours and days at a time. Going to be 62 this year....
Me: a teenager suffering from insomnia, extreme constant stress and maladaptive daydreaming for 9 years straight getting bad grades and having shit memory. Parents: you're just lazy.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so much pain in your life. Looks like you’re a bright person who is hanging on to hope and believing in a better life. I hope you can find peace and love and healing.
Wow. Me too. Turning 50 next year and graduating from college with excellent grades...go figure ♥️ Thought I was lazy and dumb, accident prone. Thank you for sharing--very helpful.
You just described what it's like having ADHD. Maybe look into that, you may be presenting as inattentive, instead of physically active and bouncing off the walls. There could be some anxiety as well. I wish my parents had gotten me competent professional help too.
It feels insurmountable to me. So sad that someone so irresponsible with feelings can ruin someone's life to an extent. All 3 of us, brothers, have done very little in life, and none had relationships or children.
Those pathetic sad little people who called themselves our "parents" that acted like mean-spirited giants to us vulnerable children are shrunk down to size by our adult perspective and have been rendered powerless. Their psychological illness has been identified. I have come to realize that life isnt about achieving and doing and gain, so dont be too hung up on that. Yes these narcissists derail us and thwart our progress, but take comfort in the fact that resting in peace with the sun on your face, with some self-love and a sense of contentedness is what it all comes down to. And that sense of peace is unthreatened by any external forces, but it must be nurtured and cultivated and prized above all else. Just this simplicity is the Jewel of Life. "If you simply realized you already Are all the things you want, then you wouldnt have to crave after them. This Is Divine Ecstasy." - Adi Da Samraj "If you look for Happiness in the world you must necessarily leave the place where it Always Already Is in order to seek it." ~ Avatar Adi Da Samraj
"You can be anything you want"... but simultaneously "Whatever you do, don't be [fill in the blank of whatever interests you the most]"/"You'll never make it in that industry"/"You'll fail spectacularly and embarrass me/the family"/"You'll starve/end up in the poorhouse"/"...and when you fail, I won't show up to bail you out" I'm now 57, 6 years out of work, in over my head in debt, still floundering/grasping/nearly catatonic with indecision and terrified to even attempt to apply for yet another low-paying, soul-sucking shit job with an overly time-consuming, expensive commute that reinforces and heightens the feelings of utter worthlessness with which I'm already plagued. I live in constant fear of becoming homeless and dying of exposure and/or starvation in a gutter. The notion of having a relationship (romantic or even platonic friendship) is a foreign concept to me. I keep looking at myself/the way I live and thinking that no one in their right mind would want to be with anyone this pathetic. I've been hearing a lot recently about how I have to re-parent myself, but how do I do that if I don't even trust my own ability to be a good enough friend to another person let alone a parent?
I was the "problem child". I asked questions. I was precocious. My mother bought me a poster that said, "I'm always in trouble, but it's so much fun." They're both fully lacking in self-awareness and she admits that she hates herself. I have felt so much better since going no-contact .
Same here. She wanted me to be the fixer or her surrogate parent (granny had a habit of keeping her at arm's length) and when I couldn't do that (by not being the perfect infant of all things) I became the problem. Any time I disagreed, I was brainwashed or deliberately killing her (that's a whole thing, eesh). My estranged father came to visit ONE time, and my other got ahold of a picture and told everyone I was sick and in need of help. I went no contact Jan 1, 2015. She died Aug, 2019. Her being gone-gone lifted such a weight off my chest.
I'm simultaneously the achiever, golden child and scapegoat. My parents have no problem praising my achievements as long as they don't have to do with relationships, especially the family dynamic. Then it's only ever problems or things I should be doing better, even if I did literally everything right. And they always put me down over matters that aren't directly related to my grades. Then I experienced burnout in uni, because the way in which I achieved the good grades was completely self destructive and obviously nobody gave a shit enough to help me for years and years (even though I was constantly crying and openly physically beating myself when I did wrong, everyone noticed but no one cared because my parents weren't beating me up so it wasn't abuse). I felt utterly useless and worthless on all fronts, and tried to drown myself on an abroad trip. I attended therapy this year to work on improving the worthless, stupid, lazy me who is a terrible friend and daughter. Now I'm working on the real 'me'... Whoever that is. 🤷🏽♀️
May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be joyful and may I know that I am worthy of all this and more, Amen. Thanks so much Patrick, I will be coming back to this one with a notebook for sure....
When I was a child, being seen or heard was very, very seldom a good thing. Never got to the "pleasing" bit, acceptance was about the top value. And whatever I said, as long as it wasn't a need or demand for something for myself, it was accepted... which was dependent on me never asking for anything for myself. If I needed help, there was never anyone there. I have awesome cope-by-myself skills.
Wow. The thought of living in a household like this and having the emotional self awareness to understand how shaming, neglectful and dismissive it was ... Like, how did you even decide what to say when you were finally forced to ask for something you really needed? How many mental hoops did you have to go through to let your family know you just needed some help? It makes me feel so helpless just to imagine that. I'm really sorry you had to experience that and I hope to you got some comfort from knowing you aren't alone 💓
Wanting to be rescued…ding, ding, ding. I always suspected that! I’m learning how not rely on my family for emotional support yet I’ve been so isolated due to my shameful feelings that it’s hard to trust other people. Thank you for this video. This is very insightful. More videos, please.
"I can give work just 75%, instead of the 200% that I give them everyday" Amen! Say it louder for the people in the back🎤 Edit: Your knowledge and this video are gems that are PRICELESS. Thank you!
I watched this video three years ago and this analogy has stuck with me so much. When I recognize this happening, I think to myself...am I trying to return my socks to the hardware store? I can't believe how much this has stopped me from flipping out on my husband over normal grown-up chores (my biggest trigger). I'm now able to see myself as an adult who is taking care of MY house and MY family. NOT being used and abused by my family of origin. Sooo...if you still look at these comments, thank you for this video. It was so powerful for me.
This was so interesting! My parents never came and apologized or resolved conflict when I was a kid. I was always waiting for them to “knock on my door” when I retreated, to apologize. Never happened. When I have arguments with my husband I am still waiting for the knock on the door for resolution which rarely comes. Unfinished business! And I left a really toxic workplace last year and I delight (truly) in thinking about how miserable my dysfunctional former co workers still must be. I can generate very little compassion for them but I see that too as unfinished business now. Huh!
Going through the writing prompts for the identity section is a huge eye opener for me. My parents were always very inconsistent with the way they viewed me growing up. I learned if I did things/looked the way they wanted me too then I was the golden child. I was so smart, creative and strong. When I was going through severe depression, acting out, and not being the person they wanted me to be then I would be shamed, ridiculed. I have always struggled with my confidence and my identity because of this. I never knew exactly who I was or what I liked. I would question if I really liked certain things or was it just me rebelling against my parents since that’s what they brain washed me into thinking. Moving out of their house I am still struggling to find who I am or have confidence to be who I am, but these exercises have been helping immensely.
I have a similar reaction. I have a hard time understanding what I want, feel. I don't know who I am. It is a slow process but ask yourself in what situation are you most talkative and comfortable. Ask someone who loves you to question doubtful decisions. Is this really you want? Go to the deep root reason all the way to the back. This is done by my sister, but you can also check yourself for it. Also, get experiences by going to a far, safe place and turn your Brian off and just go through the day. At night check what you liked, disliked. Also, food is a big issue because I used to eat literally anything. Make a list of foods you like and don't like. Then go to restaurants and make decisions with their help. ❤❤
I so identify. "Mom, I got straight A's." "Of course you did. You're my kid, you got my brains." "I got a few C's." "So what? The educational system is out to brainwash you anyway." "I did this nice thing for you." "What are you after?" "I did this bad thing accidentally." "You're out to get me." "I have a friend who gets abused and have brought her here for the afternoon." "Next time go to her house, she wrinkled my curtains, must be you lied about me to her so she was getting even." (Yeah, send me to her abusive family full of drugs, because that's more logical than dealing with a messed up friend wrinkling your curtains.) "I'm just minding my own business." "I see you did xyz, thank you, what a good kid." ? Like... I journaled everything because if I stated anything, I was wrong. So I learned not to say anything out loud and wrote it all down so she couldn't tell me I was misremembering and make me believe it. I still doubt myself to this day anyway but man did I get good at documentation at work! I used to question my motives constantly and sometimes still do. I even told my therapist that I was terrified of being a narcissist myself and hurting my husband who is so patient and loving and helpful and caring. Doesn't matter how many times she insists I'm not, I still worry inwardly and watch myself constantly to make sure I give him time to speak, that I listen to him, that not everything is about me, that I don't ridicule him, that I'm pulling my own weight and not taking advantage... all the while ensuring I didn't fall for a narcissist by maintaining boundaries, being firm about things I really need, etc. My life is pretty good but there's always this little undercurrent of self-doubt and fear no matter how much work I've done. Yet... the life I have now - external and internal - is so much better than when I was growing up! It's so worth the effort to love yourself and accept that you're human and not some monster that has to be irrationally perfect. Keep working on it. You're worth it!
Excellent video. I live alone and something I’ve noticed is sometimes I will “talk” to my parents as if they were there and I was confronting them about everything they failed me on in life. I’m sure I look and sound crazy, but it is oddly therapeutic!! 😂😅
This channel makes you feel SEEN lol. Achievement was my number one dysfunctional soothing method. "If I just do this amazing thing my parents will stop fighting and love me" was my thought process from early childhood, up to nearly being an adult. And guys, I am so TIRED by now at age 24. I want to start achieving more again, for myself now, but I'm not sure how because I used threat of punishment as a motivator all my life. I like video games too, that was probably my second biggest one. I use drawing and creating characters / stories in my drawings to express my negative emotions. That's not really dysfunctional, right? I felt that video games were for distracting myself, but drawing literally drew out the emotion and placed it in an image that I could see later to remind myself of my experiences. Drawing the suffering character was a good metaphorical way for me slowly pull out and ultimately distance the emotion, like how a plant draws water from the soil.
I've always felt like I am required to present evidence and explain myself fully. My father was a lawyer and really into philosophy, science, math, and he was a ham radio operator and good with computers. I thank him for sparking my interest in computing. I hate him and won't talk to him anymore for many reasons, but one is that he planted the idea that I must justify myself or I will be seen as a liar. He always cross-examined me and required me to explain myself. If I didn't, he'd act suspicious and investigate. He divorced my mother and we later found out that he had been covertly recording her. Whenever I got upset at him for his BS, he'd record me. He wanted evidence that his family was crazy. He kept trying to make me, my mother, and my sister look like we had severe mental illness. In fact, it worked. I ended up being depressed, anxious, and generally dysnfunctional most of my life because of how manipulative that POS was. I hold my father accountable for his actions. He is a gaslighter and a classist. He doesn't approve of anyone who doesn't meet his impossible standards. I am no longer ashamed. I hope my father dies knowing he was removed from my life forever. He never loved me and never will. Hell is too merciful a place for his toxic consciousness.
"If you are superior to everyone, you can't have any friends... a very lonely existence." Patrick said that when he was analyzing the movie The Breakfast Club.
I'm a mother of two young children and I'm always anxious about my choices because I don't want inadvertent traumatize them. And that anxiety causes me to be on edge. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Have a good long time thinking about what a loving mother would act like and do. It should help give you an idea of which way you should go when dealing with your kids also having a supportive partner to bounce ideas off should help.
You need to practice daily affirmations like: Every day I am discovering more patience, I trust I am a good mother, Or, I trust I am becoming a better and better mom everyday, I love my life I love and accept my children and provide healthy rules, boundaries and limitations. My kids didn't come with an instruction manual so I am compassionate to myself for not knowing what to do at times I am so grateful for rediscovering the joys hidden in my life, each and every day I accept and feel all the feelings and fears, and stand triumphantly now.
I do this too. I sobbed to my psychiatrist about this one time and he said something to me that has really stuck: Shitty parent rarely, if ever, wonder if they're shitty parents. Nobody is ever the perfect parent, but the simple fact you're actively trying not to be shitty matters a lot.
Caveat on this: my parents said this too, but they still have blind spots that make them toxic. Is there a situation or a behavior that seems to “bring out the worst in you”? Where you can’t confront it, can’t get through it, and refuse to listen to your child because you are triggered? That is going to make you toxic unless you address it directly - no matter how much you try at other things.
I had a very traumatic childhood. I am now an Adult with a 10 year old Daughter. My blue print for Parenting is to do the opposite of my Parents. Starting with being there for her (physically present and emotionally available). And every once in a while I ask her if there is anything I could do to improve as her Mother. The best outcome of having Parents that were horrible at Parenting, is it taught me exactly how not-to-be. I can sometimes sense old patterns arising and I can squelch the tendency to be like my Mom before it manifests. My Daughter is thriving. And the amazing thing is the healing part of being able to be the Mom I wish I had.
Omg…..I think I clung to every word, thank you so much. Some new revelations here and loads to work on. I did laugh out loud when you said, “how did your parents deal with their feelings” Wow, where to go with that one? My parents had absolutely no understanding of the depth of their dysfunction and the subsequent damage they have caused. Patrick you have really helped my healing pathway ❤️
After many years of playing it safe and taking crap jobs that made me into a drone i took a gamble on a new creative endeavor. I presented the idea to an acquaintance, he was absolutely thrilled, we built a team and despite the pandemic and other setbacks we’ve raised a substantial amount of money. People who are established in the industry said, “I can’t believe this is your first effort“ and “you are extremely talented“. As a counselor said, do the thing. You know what the thing is. If you fail you can always go back to what you were doing before but we only get one go around so do the thing.
Pardon me for jumping in. When this happened to me, it helped when I gained insight into how my mother could not be a loving mom. I had a BPD older sister who liked to Bully me. So my sister was already stressed out, needing a way to make herself feel better, to minimize her suffering. Did you know your mom's family? Did you like them? No one talks about things that aren't happy. Yet these are the emotions that bring us understanding.
@@kirstinstrand6292 I’ve experienced cruel people who use abusive behavior towards others to regulate their emotions. I think of it as the reverse golden rule, hate others as you hate yourself. Once you see it those bully’s, apathetic milquetoasts and weak willed enablers become what they are, sad self righteous jokes at best or repellent sacks of shit at worst. The shame they tried to project on you is theirs and theirs alone. Leave them in the past, you’ll find yourself to be so much lighter and best of all FREE to be yourself.
Growing up my family was about judging everyone, if they were not judging people outside the family, then they would judge inside of the family. So it was better to judge others, than being victim of it. Negative ranting was very present, and screaming rages of my father when he poped his lid could last for an hour. I called his rages a snow ball effect, he would start with something nonsensical, and yelling for hours about stuff that you wouldn't be able to make sense off. He told me that I am not his daughter anymore, because I went to school and now I feel better than everyone. Where there was zero truth to that.
Oh boi. I've just started to think back about the countless times I've applied this unfinished business to my surroundings and its not a pleasant experience right now. Thank you for your videos, kindest regards from Germany!
The issues with ambiguity and feeling like you’re always doing something wrong really hit home for me. Growing up all of the rules were unspoken. I was never told what I was and wasn’t allowed to do and what the consequences would be if I broke a rule. My parents would just wait until I did something they didn’t like and then punish me. Sometimes a minor punishment, sometimes an over the top punishment, like when I was 14 and stayed out until like 5 or 6pm. Despite never giving me any kind of curfew or rule about where I could go, they grounded me, forced me to change schools, and gave me a silent treatment that lasted for five months. I was buying my own food and clothes and working as a dog walker! It sounds even more absurd now that I’ve typed it out. I was literally just hanging out with a friend at her school. I was committing vandalism or shoplifting.
I had no rules that I knew of until I broke them & got slapped. In other words, random, unpredictable punishment. Yay for learned helplessness. Great job, mommy dearest.
I am really sorry for this kind of harsh treatment from those who were supposed to love and guide you in life. May you be healed and empowered to build a better relationship with your kids.
Seeing this I'm feeling a little lost with myself. Currently in therapy! Going strong! But I'm just feeling blue thinking about how much accomodation and change I've undergone to 'fit the mold' and to please others. Im sad thinking about how long its taken and how much its going to take me to get a place where I feel like myself and Im happy. Step by step, I think. Thanks for the videos, as always. We're all working on ourselves a little bit at a time aren't we?
I realized a bit ago that that accommodation and effort to make things right w others is my natural, hard-wired, pro-social self. I'm a decent, kind, gentle person who wants to help others and make my community feel goid. They used that against me and tried to make me, like them. I may be hurt and have scars but they LOST! I did not become like them. I am still kind and sensitive and generous. What i need to practice is being that way toward myself. I refuse to be ashamed of what my subconscious squashed and covered and put in the corners to keep them from taking it away. I might have a wrinkled psyche but i'm still in here and they lost the war, no matter how many battle wounds i may have. Now it's my rehab time and they can sod off.
I love that in the empty chair exercise, you have somebody validating you and calling your parents out on their shite. I think our inner child needs that, for someone to stand up for us when we don't have the words..
Thank you for including the note about accountability vs blaming at the end. A friend of mine who i had confided in told me that I shouldn't have such high standards for my parents who are immigrants and tried their best to raise me.
One thing that has struck me in trying to cope: I started setting more boundaries for myself, to try to stop "returning socks at the hardware store" as you put it, but now it seems like people think I'm stand-off-ish. It's like I can't win. I'm either "too emotionally needy" by being friendly, helpful, and overly-enthusiastically people-pleasing, or I'm "too closed." Honestly, I am probably a HSP introvert. I don't prefer large gatherings. I reject going to luncheons, or work-lunches, or after-work parties because A) i'm usually exhausted by social interaction 18 hours a day, B) I'm not a drinker/partier - alcohol makes me depressed, and tired, not happy C) I don't buy into revolving my life around my job (queue "work-family" phrase, and my gag-reflex). I also don't really like "Mixing business with pleasure" and I don't see why colleagues act like they should have access to my non-work behaviors. It happens in *every* job I've ever had. Some part of me feels like, while my family was/is definitely toxic, I am not going to have better luck forming relationships outside of family, either, when there's such a toxic work-and-money-focused atmosphere. I love technology, so I'm not looking to hide in the mountains from the internet. I just don't see how to make my personality work with other people, without abusing myself in the process.
I've never been to therapy, and I really should have been seeing someone since early childhood. I'm still procrastinating that task. For now, I watch videos like this. From people, like me, who cannot bring ourselves to make that appointment for ourselves personally...Thank you thank you thank you.
I've made the best life changes by saying "I'm bored with this action/reaction/thought/etc." It takes the power from the "stuckness" and then I can choose a new path. I hope this helps someone else too. Childhood trauma work is exhausting sometimes, but it's always been rewarding in the long run.
Your channel helped me more than 13 years of therapy. I finally understand why I developed C-PTSD because I stayed in a 7 years abusive relationship and developed crippling Agliophobia. It all comes from my childhood neglect and understanding that helps me tremendously undoing those thought patterns. Thank you.
Yes!! So recently I realized that I was wasting my time on people who I would never associate with , otherwise. So, it dawned on me that I was still, unconsciously, letting their horrible words dictate my life, and why? I don't agree with nor respect them , so I called then out on the abuse. I was met with gaslighting and cops when I held them accountable. And it clicked! Finally
Very good video. The one thing that my dad would say to me repeatedly was I had a chip on my shoulder. I never could understand what this meant. I was a defensive and snarky kid after probably 12 years old because my mother had narcissistic behavior and controlling and would throw out the I don't understand where your thinking comes from. The only way I coped was avoidance or when I finally had enough, being defensive.
Thank you, Patrick!! This was perfect!! I was recently in a role at work where my supervisor saw me in a certain negative way and it really triggered me as far as “You don’t see me”. Performing - I only matter when I am producing.
I used to lose my temper and lash out all the time at people when in a verbal confrontation. I realized the problem was me and my reactions. I just began to grey rock all the irritating people in my life. Eureka! I now have peace and quiet in my life. I am now working on forgiveness and understanding of my parents.
#1 Dysfunction w/ Romantic Partners (people pleasing) - 9:24 #2 Who Your Parents Said You Were (identity) - 14:18 #3 How You Deal w/ Your Feelings (dysfunctional soothing) - 19:37
Your channel has been life changing! I had a very violent childhood and I did years of therapy and never had anyone explain trauma this clearly and give me tools to help! You are a wonderful person for doing this! Can’t wait to take your course.
This is very helpful introduction to the topic for me. I have recognized a lot of the dysfunction in my own family but it’s very hard to work out how it’s still affecting me and what needs healing. Just the phrases “how did your parents deal with their feelings” and “what do you do when you are triggered” gave me a lot of insight on where to start. I’m 29, 3rd of six kids, and have been desperately trying to re-parent all my siblings for years, often completely neglecting myself. Lately I’ve been realizing that this is some of that “unfinished business” left in my psyche. While I believe I’ve helped my siblings a lot, I think it’s time to let it go as *my* responsibility. I want to find a balance where I am available for help and connection but not obsessing over how to save everyone. I don’t get to control how they handle their trauma; the best thing I can do is heal myself and share that.
I rarely comment on video but this was so helpful that I have to. I was stuck in analyzing where my problem come from and I have gained a lot of insight but I still felt stuck. It was really eye-opening to hear and emotionally understand that, even if we can't get closure or justice in the outside world, we can put the blame where it belongs and reclaim our lives. "Reclaim" is the word that touched me the most. I used to get stuck in the thought that I was broken or crippled by my childhood but reframing it into something that was taken away or withheld (like love, safety etc.)helped me to see that it is something that I can get (back). Thank you so much!
As I watched your video and you came to #2 Who your parents said you were, I thought to myself, "oh I don't have to worry about this part because my parents always spoke well of my accomplishments." (ha!) Then I realized that's the only thing they talked about if/when I came up in conversation. Thank you for bringing awareness to this part of unfinished business. Your videos are so incredibly helpful.
Great video. Definitely would like to try the empty chair technique. Even hearing you say some examples and saying some of them in my own head welled up a lot of feelings in me. Trying hard to be my own parent and recognizing when my inner child reacts to something.
I had a fight with my boyfriend last week about him not asking about my day being shitty after I told him about it on the phone. I feel like I maybe look at him to behave like a caring parent, as mine weren't really emotionally available for me when I was a kid.
I don't think it was a big ask to expect him to say something later. That sounds reasonable, as is expecting your partner to be there for you and take care of you. It goes both ways and signals a good relationship.
I just turned 60 and my father said something to me that finally made me open my eyes that i do have trauma feom my childhood and it has affected every relationship i have ever had. Then along comes this video with 2 weeks of that happening. This explains the adult me to a T. I have a lot of work that needs to be done to heal that inner child and now i have a starting point. Thnk ypu so much!!
So many hits for me in this presentation. I began self work at age 20 and turn 71 this year. I needed this so much. I really heard you today. Thank you, particularly for journaling prompts. Please continue these posts. You are helping.
I always got to the point of "not replaying old tapes/ negative voices" and "reparenting", knowing that was the solution and then... what?! It was like dead end. This has just given me the last piece of that puzzle! Of course, there's always more to resolve but it is so freeing to be able to empower ourselves. Thank you!
Thank you so much for these. Ive been through so many therapists who won't give me homework, yet you're here giving videos and e course work and I just appreciate this all so much. I can see so much of myself in things you talk about, I'm not sure how ready I am, cause some of the work is triggering but I'm trying and thank you for your hard work and dedication to posting these and actually wanting to help those of us who actually want help .....if that makes sense?
As a gay man from a homophobic family that cared so much about "What will the church and neighbors think?", "This will reflect bad on me! My coworkers will think I'm a failure of a parent!", "You can't be Like That!" that they threatened to sue the highschool when I went to it's Gay Straight Alliance (I was desperate for any scraps of community) and almost sent me to conversion therapy (I managed to beg my way out) - it really did impact my ability to have romantic relationships as well as how I see myself and I just realized that. I am very glad that I scheduled a therapist appointment, I honestly thought it might have been a waste!
So GREAT! Love this title because it helps me feel like it can be finished. Does anyone wonder if toxic parents might use splitting to reduce your connection to your sibling by talking to each of you as if the other child is the golden child even though the is no golden child. The parents just pretend they favor your sibling when you're around and pretend to your sibling they favor you.
@@Picca65 right? When i started to a tually talk to my brother i found out that they would praise me when he could hear it about anything they knew i was good w that he wasn't and then they'd do the same to me abt him. But neither of us got anything but coals on our heads when we were in the room.
I just want to say, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with everyone on here! Having a licensed professional be willing to offer so much information and insight is so appreciated! So many can’t afford to see a therapist regularly, or even have insurance, and your education and resources are invaluable!
I have watched that three times already. And I have started holding them accountable. In my car, alone, shouting, screaming, and crying. And thank you for not pushing me to confront them in person.
I always end up crying while watching your videos but in a good way if that makes sense- I always go into a video not realizing it’s maybe something I’ve been struggle with not acknowledging or doing without realizing where it stems from. Really hit hard with the romantic partners ahhhh! Thank you so much for what you do
@the_cloud_art, as soon as he said romantic partners, that big ole 💡💡💡💡lit over my head!! I’m still shook!! But, he painted that bullseye 🎯 and boom!! It hit!! Keep fighting my husband because he isn’t understanding that my 8 year old is in charge when I get triggered on all fronts, but I’m fighting this fight with my father and mother and their both dead. I finally understand!! Now I’m crying, in a good way if anything makes any sense!!
Thank you so much for these videos! It gives quite a lot of insight where my own unfinished business lies and I am pretty sure where the pattern is. My parents used to 'give me space' to feel my emotions and let me return whenever I was 'done'. And I think I just needed more hugs and be given the space to be cry, be angry and be upset when I was/am with them. I want to be heard and what I feel to be validated by them. Last Friday I felt like I did ok on an interview, my dad started to quiz me about the interview and came up with these suggestions on what I could have done better. I got upset, I started to panic and I felt awful because I felt like I bombed the interview. I felt like a failure and when I expressed that, my dad dismissed it with 'oh well, all you can do is wait, no need to be upset and you did the best you could' and 2 minutes later we hung up. The feeling of panic continued to cling to me like a wet rag. The feeling only left when I called a friend, spoke to her and asked if I could stay over. I was more than welcome. Everything was ok. It wasnt weird, it wasnt awkward, basically she validated my feelings, told me her thoughts about the matter and that was that. When I woke up this morning, I felt ok. The interview was a little off, the people were nice and I concluded that they were just with their head in the clouds because they had interviews all morning + an unexpected meeting with their directors. I am fine, my feelings are valid, I am of equal value and we can meet each other in the middle. And while I am going over this, I realize that I feel normal. I feel normal and that I am gaining the tools to actually have and maintain a positive relationsip.
Omg! My parents used to tear me apart after anything that was an accomplishment. They were like rabid dogs just competing with each other on who could come up with a worse criticism of whatever i had done. But they never helped me prepare for anything. They just waited for the final output and then chewed it to pieces.
I am from Romania and finding your channel was a revelation for me.I don't have enough money for a therapist 😢and your videos helps me a lot.Thank you so much ❤
This video speaks to my heart and soul. I was listening to it via bluetooth in my car; I had to pull over for a while to recenter my being. Thank you for the video. It is truly a journey.
“…The boss is not the sock return store…” made me actually LOL …love it. That juxtaposition we should be able to see so clearly. I think it works. Thanks for all you do!
As a transgender person i feel like I really need this empty chair therapy around "Who your parents said you were". This would be a super intense therapy session that would hopefully be helpful. Thank you for highlighting this technique. There are so many issues from my childhood that would be explorable that way.
whew 22:33 and you called me the hell out. for me it was achieving. I got straight As, no Bs at all throughout high school and graduated Summa Cum Laude from my university where I was a Presidential Scholar. achieving was everything to me. to this day, i graduated a year ago and still i feel a twist of pain when i see peers achieving something. i feel that achieving is what makes me worthy and worthwhile. even now, even though i had a depression where i couldn’t work for 4 months on my business, i still beat myself for not having reached a certain number in revenue. i only recently started realizing that i have done a good thing and i don’t need to keep focusing on what i am not and striving all the time, all the time
So my husband overheard the end of this video and he opened up about unhealthy habits that were modeled to him in high school, candidly, for the first time. So happy this can help him start healing too
I always watch your videos and ask myself how does someone understand the intricacies of trauma SO much like you do. It’s insane! I am forever grateful.
What's worse than your parents setting you up not to trust yourself.
Wow 🎯 This is very difficult to navigate through as an adult but not impossible ❤
That's how I feel. I'm so angry at how n.father carried on was a scary man and how mom who I now believe apart from being a great enabler flying monkey is a lower level vuln.narc. apparently everything Is okay because you got clothes food shelter presents on your birthdays etc.. and taken on trips. No it's NOT! All it does is leave you feeling guilty for the things they did do but it doesn't in any way make up for all the traumatic experiences loss of yourself loss of your true self your psyche and the life you could have had that you doubt yourself and bow to the alter that is your parents. Doing the work I feel less guilt less cog Diss and way more anger! The loss of self trust is a priceless loss... they didn't kill us but they killed our true selves.... now I don't trust them and I trust myself more each day. I've made many mistakes and I Could forgive theirs if they had changed and been accountable but they haven't and won't. The times they neglected ignored hit raged ranted smashed a toy stonewalled silent treatments passive aggression screamed if i coughed or mafe a noise didnt listen blamed scapegoated compared me unfavourably to others made me do things I didn't want to didn't help with things I did want to didn't care how I felt didn't protect me from the abuse of others. I look after my dogs psyche more! 🙏🙏
@@bereal6590 For real. Exactly. 😑
@@bereal6590 And not only didn't protect from abusers but most times enabled/reinforced them with this old, worn out (if I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times) question..."What did u do to cause that to happen?" or "he/she/them to do that?" No wonder I overexpain to this day! I was always guilty until proven innocent (which almost never happened) by both parents!! There is good reason for anger once kids get older & wiser and truly understands how mean/cruel this treatment of an innocent child is, IMHO. Yes, roof over head/food on table, but systematically pulverized psyche throughout childhood. Then the rejection continues into adulthood. U think u grow up & it's over. NOT! The game plan is just tweaked. 🥺
@@bereal6590 oh my gosh, I so get this!!!
"Do you overly explain yourself in an unnecessary way defensively? Do you get really triggered when you're misunderstood by someone?" I replayed this entire section 4 or 5 times because I couldn't believe that a total stranger was explaining my life to me so clearly. Thank you Patrick for the incredible work you do 🖤
Totally
Ditto!
Oh my god same
I repeat myself a lot when stressed. I hate that I do it. Especially when I do it when upset with my own kids. I try hard to ensure they don’t get “messed up” by me. Both of my parents are toxic. My father’s love is conditional. My mother ridiculed me a lot, insulted my body from my very early years..before 10yrs old. She kidnapped my brother and had an affair when I was 9. Left me home saying she was just going shopping and was missing for 4 months. My Dad gave me to an Aunt to care for me. When my mom returned she took me from there. I don’t want to get into it all. I was later abused sexually by my mom’s new husband. She is still with him. It’s been a lot of head games from her. There was physical abuse from my mother as well. Belts, cords, whatever to beat me with. Teen years were all about self destruction and promiscuity to make what my step father did have less value. I gave it up to guys as I felt they’d just take it anyways. I’ve gone through intense healing. I still have work to do at 43 years old.
@@themetaphysicalrev99 ♥️
"You were doing your best with absolutely no help"
The compassion in that statement is emotionally overwhelming. I had no idea how badly I needed to hear it ❤
Ditto 😢
yessssum
My questions would be... Why didn't we have or get any help? Also, if other people saw that we were being abused, why didn't they do something?
@@jillbrady4036 Those adults who witnessed a child being abused and did nothing are considered co-abusers. It doesn't change history but at least people are realizing something was very wrong there.
@jillbrady4036
I have a theory that it's because a pillar of most people's self-identity is their community, feeling safe in it and when they see something that violates this need, they censor it out/shut down. it's a trigger essentially.
on a related note, also the fear of rocking the boat or of standing out or of authority because they'll have to talk to the police or DSS and maybe go to court too.
another factor is maybe they're abusing their kids behind closed doors too so they fear the what goes around comes around of ratting someone else out.
and there's a strong element of "good neighbors mind their own business" in the western European ancestral tradition.
this is what my own life review has shown me. I hope it helps and if your question was rhetorical, forgive my long reply 😁 (on a note related to that I also theorize that Asperger's isn't high functioning autism it's a symptom of emotional/social neglect at home.
your feedback is more than welcome. 🙏🏻❤️🩹
"Toxic people have no right to tell you who you are". Thank you for validating that. All survivors should acknowledge that quote and keep it close to their hearts.
Calming Video on How to stop feeling empty inside th-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/w-d-xo.html
what if i became the toxic people :(
Love this!
I'm going to memorize it as both mantra and to have a ready response when confronted with that BS. I doubt it'll do anything to/for the narcissist, but it will assist me.
"Toxic people have no right to tell me who [I am]. 🙂
@@vivvy_0 Well if it's true, than acknowledging that should help in the journey to become less toxic. :)
I have so many of your videos set to "watch later" as I ease into facing my childhood trauma. You make me even moreso want to do the work. You make me feel less afraid of the emotions that will come up and the depth of trauma that I've experienced. The fact that you make these long informational videos, with so much empathy and understanding radiating from your being/voice.. I wish we all had an in-person therapist just like you. I have so much love for you/your work. Thank you so much.
I feel you , you have to amp up yourself. Luck on your journey. ✨
I'm right there in the same situation. So far I've learned to recognize triggers and not have a meltdown
Yes! Just knowing this guy exists in our world makes me optimistic.
Absolutely same here- his channel and content has seriously helped me so so much especially with inner child work and managing my anger or my negative emotions that are faced towards abusers that I might see in other random people which makes me feel out of sorts when in public. So glad other people have been getting help from his videos too :,)
I’ve been working on this for over 30 years and this man has finally reached me, exactly what I need to jump start my own work and make it actually work!! Been taking DBT, behavior modification and talk therapy and, while I understood what was said, I couldn’t apply it to my life!! I’ve been stuck at 8 years old, stuck screaming silently in my head for the past 52 years!! I’m doing his “homework/journaling” and after less than 2 hours; I’m able to see where to start!!
Anyone else had parents who would say "oh, so we are the cause of ALL of your problems" sarcastically when you are trying to address trauma issues? I heard that phrase in my head over & over in my head when I listened to this video.
Narcs. Get away from them every way you can. And yes, the smug parasites ARE the cause of the vast majority of your problems.
My mother would just be like…
I know I’m stupid and I don’t do anything right.
Yes. That and while in therapy accused me of "blaming everyone else" and staying in victim mode and being a hateful person unable to forgive.
I'm beginning to wonder if my mother has high functioning autism, rather than her being a Cold hearted narcissist.
Which is why he addresses that this work should be done with a trained therapist using an empty chair. He stated it was not helpful to share this with the parents or family.
"Toxic people have no right to tell you who you are", excellent!
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I get enraged when i'm disrespected. I hate that I do this. I'm exhausted with working on this stuff.
It doesn't help that ANYONE who speaks up publicly is labeled a 'Karen'...
NOT TO BE CRITICAL, YET, WOULD CHANGING YOUR HANDLE BE A BEGINNING STEP? NOT GIVING YOURSELF SOMETHING TO LIVE UP TO?
@@cwinter-powers669😂❤🎉I might re name myself Karen / to stop being so Nice
" tell us if there's somethn wrong"
" stop being so accusatory" 😅
I'm like 0-100🎉 oops
Sending you love it’s the worst type of humiliation and pain yet we are trapped in the cycle like a hamster on a wheel, thank God for these beautiful people that pod cast and help so many, I’m so weary of fighting this battle let’s do the work to be free my friend. I wish you well ❤
My mother would scream at me that I “just look for reasons to be upset” while she called me names, told me how awful I am, useless, too sensitive etc. classic narcissist gaslighting. I do not miss her.
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My mom still does this, or "You always find things to be negative about" I live with her 😅
I hear ya Dee. And if you call them out and turn the tables, you're only digging yourself a hole. These "people" are better left alone. Haven't talked to my Narc Mom for a year and a half and she doesn't see she's done anything wrong. In fact it's "me" dealing with "my" issues. She's completely immune to any wrong doing.
These evil pigs are going to hell.
It was my father , who did this.
"I don't need to make people happy to survive". Wise affirmation!
That expectectation to be 'a good kid' is such a subtle dysfunction, it sets you up to be a people pleaser in a very I serious way that you may take a while before you even realize it's been jeopardizing your life, always wanting to come off as good at home, with friends, at work, to strangers, you're more willing to be uncomfortable just so that you don't rock any boats. This video has been very helpful
This hit home. I spend every minute of every work day anxiously waiting for someone to scold and humiliate me for something I did or didn't do, and I make myself miserable and want to quit on a daily basis. In reality, I'm actually a valuable employee who rarely gets told anything negative. I see unfinished business everywhere.
Imagine it is your parents who have always treated you that way. You can change jobs; you can’t change the parents you have.
@@Amber-vq5ud Yep. I don't have to imagine, that was also my childhood, which is likely why I had tolerated that job for so long. I've since left. 💔
@@andreav2125 I’m glad you got yourself out of that situation. No one has a right to treat you that way.
The cruelest part of coming from the Isle of Misfit Toys, is that by the time we fix what the narcissists broke, we’ve already missed the boat and are left to lament what might have been.
I realise I want my partners to be the father I didn't have. Sweet, understanding, see me, hear me, etc. But.. inner child aside, I still want a partner who sees me and treats me kindly so I don't know how to tell the difference between the unhealed unmet needs from my chilhood and how those same needs may be met from an adult perspective. I hope I make sense. Thank you so much Patrick ❤️✨
We're deprived of things we need, notice how you can't be deprived of trips to Disney and call it child neglect or abuse. Both adult and inner child need to be seen, tenderness, to be understood...etc. When we're deprived the need becomes urgent and more pronounced. And we seek it out with more ferocity because we feel a void from the lack of it. I think the difference between a wounded need and a healthy need would be what we're willing to do to meet them. If the partners you're attracting are healthy and wanting to freely meet the need, its healthy. If they're toxic and you're keeping them around for the perceived need, it's a wound.
I feel the same way. You explained it well 💕
I think the difference comes from you, not your partner. I used to be super demanding ("This is what I need you to do for me to be ok) and sometimes clingy, but I didn't realize that. Now that I see it from the distance, I was like the little kid who's repeating the same phrase over and over until the adult pays attention.
Healthy partners ran away from me and I was in a cycle of narcisistic douches. What made me change was someone with healthy boundaries. I must admit, at the beginning I didn't like it, I thought it was somehow disrespectful to not "give everything" (this is what my family modeled for me), and I was in the victim role all the time, but they stood steady like "I'm here, I love you, but I'm not doing what you want just because you say so". In time I realized I could have boundaries too and it was life changing.
To summarize: what is you emotional (not rational) reaction to boundaries? (do you feel sad, left aside, abandoned, angry...?). From there, you build up the difference between healthy and unhealthy from an inner compass.
And here's something I heard that helped me a lot: "When you want someone to give you everything, only a liar will tell you they can". Best of lucks
I think the difference depends upon whether you choose a partner who that gives you what you need, or whether you choose someone who doesn’t, thus creating scenarios that allow you to play them out again and again until you heal, and choose the right one. Perhaps in your case it’s not about trauma, but rather recognizing what your love needs are according to the role you had with your father.
@@Dan_Chiron wow that's exactly where I am. You explained it so well. I've just broke free and met the healthy boundary people. I'm still telling myself they must hate me. It's not true. It's weird eh.
By watching your videos, I realized I have a hard time understanding social cues, unspoken rules and expectations (especially in romantic relationships). And it’s because my parents never knew how to act in a world full of other people, as the world revolved around themselves. I never learned how to effectively communicate in society because my childhood was spent plastering a perfect image over a broken family, instead of focusing on building meaningful relationships.
Edit: spelling
Amen 🙏🏼
Yes
We hear you
Wow! Thank you so much for identifying this so clearly. I've wondered for so long over where that came from, and I'm sixty. Best wishes to you in your recovery.
Exactly, and the natural ways that we did learn to communicate were squashed by our parents who made us feel like we were “wrong”
I remember how we had a meeting with child protection services and my mum. When they said "she is clearly delusional and unstable" I was surprised and wondered how they could have possibly figured that out from the conversation, as compared to what I knew she acted very normal that day. No wonder my radar for toxic behaviour is off
I often watch these videos in several parts, because they really get to me (and my coping style is flee.. so.. you know..) "People who don’t get into relationships at all try to finish business by keeping themselves safe, because they were totally unsafe." Maaan, time for another break to think it over. Uncanny how a total stranger can explain your deepest stuff so clearly. You are incredible, Patrick, thank you for all you do.
My god. I just did this. About halfway through, i stop watching and lay in my bed doing nothing for around 30 minutes feeling confuse. I never see myself as being abused but i always gravitate towards this kind of videos and feel so sad while watching them and more often than not i'd stop watching to process some things.
Admitting to your truths is a beautiful thing🥰. Step by step, day by day, your healing will come. Flee when you need to for safety ~ the rest of the world calls that survival. Be proud you know when to do so.❤
You will prevail! Healing vibes and hopes for your healthy future!
Made me smile with your coping style joke!
This videonis tough for me too. Half way thru I was having issues
Me too.
Patrick Teahan, you are a beautiful person!
Queen of flatulence. hahahahahahhahaha.
I’m so used to diminishing and hiding my feelings that I don’t even realize I’ve been struggling with something until you mention it in a video. These distorted thoughts impact every aspect of my life so much that I hardly notice they’re unhealthy. Thank you for being a voice of truth and clarity into my life. ❤️ Also, the sock analogy was perfect! It’s funny and obscure enough for me to remember it.
I am loving the identity part especially.. I was the “over emotional one” because I’d get sad and angry over their rage and emotional neglect. I carried that pattern into adult relationships. I’ve been single for a long time now and working to let that go.
My best friend was forced to carry emotion for his whole family. It made it easier for them to be withholding and cold while feeling virtuous bc they pretended to pity his brokenness.
@@tahiyamarome that was exactly my experience. I relate completely. Thank you for sharing.
same
Omg... Well said. This is my life too. Working on it.
I became the “cold and distant” one. What no one saw was that I hid all my emotions inside and behind closed doors because they all made fun of my mom and sister for being overly emotional. To this day, I struggle with sharing emotions outside of my husband. If I’m going to cry I will hold it in until I get home or can close a door.
You were talking about holding them accountable and this sentence popped into my head: "You set me up to coddle unacceptable behavior in order to gain your acceptance." And I had to pause this because that hit really hard.
Okay wow that’s exactly what I am right now trying to repair…and your name is spelled same as my own interestingly enough
We embraced our abuser because the idea of total rejection is catastrophic.
Gotta accept unacceptable behavior because the alternative is no attachment at all.
This is just the thing that I needed to hear. It's my 62nd birthday tomorrow, and I had lost my husband a year and a half ago. I am working through things from. Childhood through our narcissistic marriage. I became "very busy" in order not to sit down and have to think about things ...hurts...and then make necessary changes. But being alone, Journaling, has led me to give myself a lot more credit.
Thank you for these videos as I get on with the rest of my life.
HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!!!
@@DrJustininJapan thank you for your kind wish!🙏
Have a really happy birthday, tomorrow (or today, in case of time zone)!!! Just turned 60 on the 28th, and I’m glad you have noticed that, so I’m even more hopeful that I can learn, as well!! Blessings to you and your journey towards your happiness!! Peace ☮️
Hugs Patricia 💗
Happy birthday 🙏💕
"How do you deal with ambiguity?"
Oof. Yeah, I'm an obsessive "plan for the worst" person. It's the only thing I know that seems to quell my anxiety... for a time. I feel like I never had a sense of security growing up. Maybe that contributed. I was definately the fixer/mediator. I feel like I was expected to be the glue holding our family together, and was always trying to pre-emptively get ahead of the chaos.
same. I used to be the exact opposite and got exhausted trying to figure out why everything was such drama. I learned to not cut corners in planning and wow. different life
Me too, always planning for the worst. I've always explained my behaviour as "just being prepared" but now I see it for what it is.
Yep.
Can't say I'm sorry for not confronting my parents while they were alive. The few times I tried I rejected yet again & again. Just hurt on top of hurt & rejection. It was not meant to be. I accept that. The times I tried just reinforced the truth...which is, I was a child. It was not my fault.
I hear you. Same here. Parents that don't do emotions hurt over and over again. It's wise to keep yourself safe 🧡
Oh yes. I relate so much. Our parents healing was their responsibility, and they didn't do it. Even when presented with the opportunity.
I tried endlessly to 'save' my mother, even after parenting her through my entire childhood. Then she died, and I felt a profound sense of failure, deep depression that I never succeeded in saving her. It is absolutely crazy. Three years of therapy later, and amazing resources like this online, and I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes to you xx
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Your feelings resonate with me. My mother won't listen or denies gets colder and rejects me for another few years. Now having conversations virtually and getting some peace. It's hard isn't it.
@@sriku1000 💜
Just wanted to say that your bad analogy worked for me as just now I found myself in a situation with a friend where I wanted to immediately put in so much more effort than I should and realized that I was triggered and that my healing fantasy is that if I do enough or am ‘good’ enough that I will become important to that person and they will engage with me more often . I had a depressed mother . But I caught myself and said “damn it , I’m trying to return my socks at a hardware store again” LOL . Your videos have greatly impacted my life , thank you ❤️
Beautifully spoken 💖
Wow, just realised I've been doing that with my friendships too, thank you
Patrick: “Unfinished business”
Me: *cracks drink and settles in for a whole lotta truth*
OMG I feel this
*swallows a large blueberry muffin whole*
@@annag467 u good
5 keto brownies and a glass of milk.
@@annag467 - two fat slices of strawberry cake and a biiiig cup of tea. I feel ya.
I'll never forget...one of many shrinks I sought out told me after less than ten minutes of questions..."Your parents set u up for failure." He was not looking for affirmation. He was stating the damn truth. I think my parents (for most part) were ignorant and had their own issues. BUT...big but...I had/have issues. But I would never give my kids false or mean "false" advice/suggestions. None of us r perfect for sure. But c'mon...there's just mean and evil for no damn reason. Some of us have experienced that and still don't understand why...why would someone bring u into being, then sabotage u almost every step of the way? It makes no sense. That's why it's so baffling. Love yourself, even if u got little to no acceptance and mostly rejection from as far back as your memory. ❤
Baffling indeed
Thank you.
We have to fit the narcissists narrative of the loser, the family f*ck-up, the problem child, the selfish and ungrateful one, so our life is systematically sabotaged, all while appearing to be supported to any outsiders looking in, so that if we try to state our truth, we wont be believed.
Maybe your family was like mine: Sadists? I was told that by a cop once.
All the therapists around here just hem and haw, pretending to work, and after about a month or so diagnose me as a Lesbian. I assume if they are not a woman or haven’t hit on me that I caught the eye of some Lesbian in their office. Because, it just, never, ends…
I am totally signing up for this one’s course. He has spontaneously answered many questions no body else has in decades!!!
Have your inner adult give the parent back their dysfunction. This is my new definition of forgiveness. I don't want to punish myself anymore for what my parent did to me. I will not finish what they started. I got it from here❤
Very often, when I would tell my mom about a decision I was going to make she would "play devil's advocate" to make me "double check" if I was making the right decision. All it ever did was make me think I was that I didn't know anymore if I was making the right decision.
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Ugh. I find myself constantly doing that to my own kids. I don't want to continue this cycle. Now I need to figure out the basis for this behavior.
@JaimeGstl Yes figure where its coming from, but also you can practice support with your kids: "That sounds great! Tell me more" Wow, you must be excited" . "That's great! Is there anything you'd like me to help with?" Or even asking them if there's any parts of the decision or plan they're not sure about yet. Then when they tell you you can say, so what do you think? And listen. Valuable because you support their learning to make decisions.
Oh wow I never realized that one Of the ways she unhinged me 😢
Deliberate destabilization and instilling self-doubt and confusion. Orchestrating a sense of powerlessness and a lack of support is the narcissists M.O.
They are sick and twisted sadists with dark hearts. Who could deliberately and systematically do this to a vulnerable child trying to make sense of its world? a world that you bought them into. The best way to deal with it is to have pity on their pathetic characters, shrink them down to size, they tried to make themselves giants and intimidate us, so it is very useful to gain perspective on how small and powerless they really are. Sad little pitiful people.
I can’t believe how was that so related to the thoughts and overthinking I’m suffering from. I even started procrastinating making decisions because I don’t trust myself enough that I will take the right decision. But speaking out loud of this situation made me realize that I’m still acting in that role they put me in. And the real me is much more stronger. I can’t thank you enough for this valuable help 🙏 may god bless you 🙏
YES, speaking out loud about things was such a good idea. I also talk out ideas to myself when I go for walks because I get more clarity than just keeping ideas in my head. Something about verbalizing ideas (even when alone) activates other parts of the brain and allows me to consider things from a different perspective
This sounds nutty but sometimes i video myself talking it out, then watch it back.
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@@sriku1000 That's actually quite an interessting video Thank you^^
I relate to this a lot. And I can't help but get angrier angrier the more you explain how as a kid I was manipulated into thinking negatively about myself. I tried a couple times to express how I feel to my parents(in the most respect full way that I can) and all I get in return was excuses for why they did what they did when all I want was as simple as a hug and an apology. Often those conversations just leave me angrier and more frustrated than I was so I just stopped trying to get them to see how much I'm hurt. I can't get rid of my rage tho.
My parents never did apologize for any wrongdoing and b the adults.
I was abused for over 15 years by both of you. Take some responsibility as parents.
It has been difficult, but I have forgiven them. This I did for me. I took their power away. They can't shame, guilt trip or anything else they want to do
to justify their abusive behaviors.
I understand the rage. This is anger turned inwards. I had rage as well.
The best thing I ever did was to forgive them. It took time and a lot of prayer.
I also told my fiance everything and he listened and hugged me.
This was after he guessed what was going on in my house.
He was the one who rescued me from them when I most need him.
His parents also were there, his Dad thought that there might be trouble.
Your anger is warranted. It sounds like your parents will not take accountability. It's frustrating and hurtful. Accept who they are and work on you. Give yourself what they couldn't. You are enough.
I grew up with a lot of sexism (mainly from my dad) and I always was more of a tomboy, wanted to go into engineering (currently in it) and so made the "logical" conclusion that I must be trans, then after a very bad divorce my father kept comparing me to my mother's bad sides and it went all the way to me hating myself. I couldn't wear anything remotely feminine for years without having an anxiety attack. Now after a year with my incredibly loving and supportive partner I managed to wear a dress again, and I think I might actually like it.
Congratulations, I wish you the best. Don't know you but I'm proud of you.
@@strrb8578 Thanks :)
I totally get this. It's taken over 2 years after my Dad passed for me to be able to wear dresses and feel feminine. Haven't worn them in front of my mother yet though as I don't want her to comment on anything like that. I have a way to go before I'm okay. Best wishes to you.
@@kaylangford3031 Best of luck to you too. I still have not worn a dress around my family either, closest I ever came to was a skort
I struggle with dresses too. Totally get it. Way too visible. They're for real girls, not me 🤗
I was always pleasing trying to get some approval. Then my mom started saying I was the strong one which was her excuse why I should do everything. She was a horrible abuser and I haven’t had contact now in years. I left her home with the first man and he was just like her. He wouldn’t work and was physically and emotionally abusive. Finally left him and now almost 20 years with a kind man. I’m trying to fix myself so he doesn’t have to feel the wrath of those before him.
I was always "the strong one", too...
"Strong one" here, always expected to 'make the best of a bad situation." Ughh.
I was “so competent”, so that’s why Mommie dearest and pervy Pa dumped all responsibilities on my 7 year old self.
My childhood strategy was becoming invisible, which makes greyrocking outside my family of origin a lot easier (I have probably unhealthily strong emotional responses to the bastards, so there's no middle ground between no contact and going berserk), but at the same time makes me "replaceable". Not too good for maintaining stable employment.
I can't believe reading is an addiction. That has always been one of the things I do everyday and all day ever since I can remember. Now that you said it can I have to look back on how when I didn't want to be home I would run to the book store or library and be there from open to closing time everyday to were the staff knew me. Thanks for your video's it's hard dealing with trauma and childhood one at that. I'm still trying to find out what role I played in the family. I almost go numb to my feelings to were now it's hard to tell how I truly feel.
Yup me too…. Didn’t know that was process addiction
Me too! Escaped in books.
@@saracullen6640 me too
Me too. Crazy aye. Have read thousands of books. I have now realised that when i met my partner who is great, i don't feel the need to read anymore... Never thought of why
Had a LOT of trouble learning to read. Neighbor girlfriend said, "Books help you escape your life." around 3rd grade. She was a ministers daughter. I soon became an obsessive reader. When unnoticed, direspected or threatened ... I still retreat onto books for hours and days at a time. Going to be 62 this year....
Me: a teenager suffering from insomnia, extreme constant stress and maladaptive daydreaming for 9 years straight getting bad grades and having shit memory.
Parents: you're just lazy.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so much pain in your life. Looks like you’re a bright person who is hanging on to hope and believing in a better life. I hope you can find peace and love and healing.
Insomnia is no joke, I'm still struggling
Wow. Me too. Turning 50 next year and graduating from college with excellent grades...go figure ♥️ Thought I was lazy and dumb, accident prone. Thank you for sharing--very helpful.
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You just described what it's like having ADHD. Maybe look into that, you may be presenting as inattentive, instead of physically active and bouncing off the walls. There could be some anxiety as well. I wish my parents had gotten me competent professional help too.
It feels insurmountable to me. So sad that someone so irresponsible with feelings can ruin someone's life to an extent. All 3 of us, brothers, have done very little in life, and none had relationships or children.
Those pathetic sad little people who called themselves our "parents" that acted like mean-spirited giants to us vulnerable children are shrunk down to size by our adult perspective and have been rendered powerless.
Their psychological illness has been identified.
I have come to realize that life isnt about achieving and doing and gain, so dont be too hung up on that. Yes these narcissists derail us and thwart our progress, but take comfort in the fact that resting in peace with the sun on your face, with some self-love and a sense of contentedness is what it all comes down to. And that sense of peace is unthreatened by any external forces, but it must be nurtured and cultivated and prized above all else. Just this simplicity is the Jewel of Life.
"If you simply realized you already Are all the things you want, then you wouldnt have to crave after them. This Is Divine Ecstasy."
- Adi Da Samraj
"If you look for Happiness in the world you must necessarily leave the place where it Always Already Is in order to seek it." ~ Avatar Adi Da Samraj
I amounted to nothing, exactly as she often screamed that I would.
"You can be anything you want"... but simultaneously "Whatever you do, don't be [fill in the blank of whatever interests you the most]"/"You'll never make it in that industry"/"You'll fail spectacularly and embarrass me/the family"/"You'll starve/end up in the poorhouse"/"...and when you fail, I won't show up to bail you out"
I'm now 57, 6 years out of work, in over my head in debt, still floundering/grasping/nearly catatonic with indecision and terrified to even attempt to apply for yet another low-paying, soul-sucking shit job with an overly time-consuming, expensive commute that reinforces and heightens the feelings of utter worthlessness with which I'm already plagued. I live in constant fear of becoming homeless and dying of exposure and/or starvation in a gutter.
The notion of having a relationship (romantic or even platonic friendship) is a foreign concept to me. I keep looking at myself/the way I live and thinking that no one in their right mind would want to be with anyone this pathetic.
I've been hearing a lot recently about how I have to re-parent myself, but how do I do that if I don't even trust my own ability to be a good enough friend to another person let alone a parent?
I am so sorry to hear that...as a teacher, this helps me understand where some of my students are coming from
I was the "problem child". I asked questions. I was precocious. My mother bought me a poster that said,
"I'm always in trouble, but it's so much fun." They're both fully lacking in self-awareness and she admits that she hates herself. I have felt so much better since going no-contact .
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Same here. She wanted me to be the fixer or her surrogate parent (granny had a habit of keeping her at arm's length) and when I couldn't do that (by not being the perfect infant of all things) I became the problem. Any time I disagreed, I was brainwashed or deliberately killing her (that's a whole thing, eesh). My estranged father came to visit ONE time, and my other got ahold of a picture and told everyone I was sick and in need of help. I went no contact Jan 1, 2015. She died Aug, 2019. Her being gone-gone lifted such a weight off my chest.
The poster thing is shocking but I'm not surprised. Totally sounds like something a toxic parent would do.
Thank God mine finally died!
I'm simultaneously the achiever, golden child and scapegoat. My parents have no problem praising my achievements as long as they don't have to do with relationships, especially the family dynamic. Then it's only ever problems or things I should be doing better, even if I did literally everything right. And they always put me down over matters that aren't directly related to my grades.
Then I experienced burnout in uni, because the way in which I achieved the good grades was completely self destructive and obviously nobody gave a shit enough to help me for years and years (even though I was constantly crying and openly physically beating myself when I did wrong, everyone noticed but no one cared because my parents weren't beating me up so it wasn't abuse). I felt utterly useless and worthless on all fronts, and tried to drown myself on an abroad trip.
I attended therapy this year to work on improving the worthless, stupid, lazy me who is a terrible friend and daughter. Now I'm working on the real 'me'... Whoever that is. 🤷🏽♀️
May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be joyful and may I know that I am worthy of all this and more, Amen.
Thanks so much Patrick, I will be coming back to this one with a notebook for sure....
When I was a child, being seen or heard was very, very seldom a good thing. Never got to the "pleasing" bit, acceptance was about the top value. And whatever I said, as long as it wasn't a need or demand for something for myself, it was accepted... which was dependent on me never asking for anything for myself. If I needed help, there was never anyone there. I have awesome cope-by-myself skills.
Wow. The thought of living in a household like this and having the emotional self awareness to understand how shaming, neglectful and dismissive it was ... Like, how did you even decide what to say when you were finally forced to ask for something you really needed? How many mental hoops did you have to go through to let your family know you just needed some help? It makes me feel so helpless just to imagine that. I'm really sorry you had to experience that and I hope to you got some comfort from knowing you aren't alone 💓
Wanting to be rescued…ding, ding, ding. I always suspected that! I’m learning how not rely on my family for emotional support yet I’ve been so isolated due to my shameful feelings that it’s hard to trust other people. Thank you for this video. This is very insightful. More videos, please.
"I can give work just 75%, instead of the 200% that I give them everyday"
Amen! Say it louder for the people in the back🎤
Edit: Your knowledge and this video are gems that are PRICELESS. Thank you!
I watched this video three years ago and this analogy has stuck with me so much. When I recognize this happening, I think to myself...am I trying to return my socks to the hardware store? I can't believe how much this has stopped me from flipping out on my husband over normal grown-up chores (my biggest trigger). I'm now able to see myself as an adult who is taking care of MY house and MY family. NOT being used and abused by my family of origin. Sooo...if you still look at these comments, thank you for this video. It was so powerful for me.
This was so interesting! My parents never came and apologized or resolved conflict when I was a kid. I was always waiting for them to “knock on my door” when I retreated, to apologize. Never happened. When I have arguments with my husband I am still waiting for the knock on the door for resolution which rarely comes. Unfinished business! And I left a really toxic workplace last year and I delight (truly) in thinking about how miserable my dysfunctional former co workers still must be. I can generate very little compassion for them but I see that too as unfinished business now. Huh!
I can so relate to this. I always waited for this too, like they did on the Brady Brunch.
Going through the writing prompts for the identity section is a huge eye opener for me. My parents were always very inconsistent with the way they viewed me growing up. I learned if I did things/looked the way they wanted me too then I was the golden child. I was so smart, creative and strong. When I was going through severe depression, acting out, and not being the person they wanted me to be then I would be shamed, ridiculed. I have always struggled with my confidence and my identity because of this. I never knew exactly who I was or what I liked. I would question if I really liked certain things or was it just me rebelling against my parents since that’s what they brain washed me into thinking. Moving out of their house I am still struggling to find who I am or have confidence to be who I am, but these exercises have been helping immensely.
I have a similar reaction. I have a hard time understanding what I want, feel. I don't know who I am.
It is a slow process but ask yourself in what situation are you most talkative and comfortable. Ask someone who loves you to question doubtful decisions. Is this really you want? Go to the deep root reason all the way to the back. This is done by my sister, but you can also check yourself for it.
Also, get experiences by going to a far, safe place and turn your Brian off and just go through the day. At night check what you liked, disliked.
Also, food is a big issue because I used to eat literally anything. Make a list of foods you like and don't like. Then go to restaurants and make decisions with their help.
❤❤
I so identify. "Mom, I got straight A's." "Of course you did. You're my kid, you got my brains." "I got a few C's." "So what? The educational system is out to brainwash you anyway." "I did this nice thing for you." "What are you after?" "I did this bad thing accidentally." "You're out to get me." "I have a friend who gets abused and have brought her here for the afternoon." "Next time go to her house, she wrinkled my curtains, must be you lied about me to her so she was getting even." (Yeah, send me to her abusive family full of drugs, because that's more logical than dealing with a messed up friend wrinkling your curtains.) "I'm just minding my own business." "I see you did xyz, thank you, what a good kid." ? Like... I journaled everything because if I stated anything, I was wrong. So I learned not to say anything out loud and wrote it all down so she couldn't tell me I was misremembering and make me believe it. I still doubt myself to this day anyway but man did I get good at documentation at work! I used to question my motives constantly and sometimes still do. I even told my therapist that I was terrified of being a narcissist myself and hurting my husband who is so patient and loving and helpful and caring. Doesn't matter how many times she insists I'm not, I still worry inwardly and watch myself constantly to make sure I give him time to speak, that I listen to him, that not everything is about me, that I don't ridicule him, that I'm pulling my own weight and not taking advantage... all the while ensuring I didn't fall for a narcissist by maintaining boundaries, being firm about things I really need, etc. My life is pretty good but there's always this little undercurrent of self-doubt and fear no matter how much work I've done. Yet... the life I have now - external and internal - is so much better than when I was growing up! It's so worth the effort to love yourself and accept that you're human and not some monster that has to be irrationally perfect.
Keep working on it. You're worth it!
Excellent video. I live alone and something I’ve noticed is sometimes I will “talk” to my parents as if they were there and I was confronting them about everything they failed me on in life. I’m sure I look and sound crazy, but it is oddly therapeutic!! 😂😅
Your not alone... lol
Same
This channel makes you feel SEEN lol.
Achievement was my number one dysfunctional soothing method. "If I just do this amazing thing my parents will stop fighting and love me" was my thought process from early childhood, up to nearly being an adult. And guys, I am so TIRED by now at age 24. I want to start achieving more again, for myself now, but I'm not sure how because I used threat of punishment as a motivator all my life. I like video games too, that was probably my second biggest one.
I use drawing and creating characters / stories in my drawings to express my negative emotions. That's not really dysfunctional, right? I felt that video games were for distracting myself, but drawing literally drew out the emotion and placed it in an image that I could see later to remind myself of my experiences. Drawing the suffering character was a good metaphorical way for me slowly pull out and ultimately distance the emotion, like how a plant draws water from the soil.
That’s incredible. Glad that drawing is helping you
I've always felt like I am required to present evidence and explain myself fully. My father was a lawyer and really into philosophy, science, math, and he was a ham radio operator and good with computers.
I thank him for sparking my interest in computing. I hate him and won't talk to him anymore for many reasons, but one is that he planted the idea that I must justify myself or I will be seen as a liar. He always cross-examined me and required me to explain myself. If I didn't, he'd act suspicious and investigate.
He divorced my mother and we later found out that he had been covertly recording her. Whenever I got upset at him for his BS, he'd record me. He wanted evidence that his family was crazy. He kept trying to make me, my mother, and my sister look like we had severe mental illness. In fact, it worked. I ended up being depressed, anxious, and generally dysnfunctional most of my life because of how manipulative that POS was.
I hold my father accountable for his actions. He is a gaslighter and a classist. He doesn't approve of anyone who doesn't meet his impossible standards. I am no longer ashamed. I hope my father dies knowing he was removed from my life forever. He never loved me and never will. Hell is too merciful a place for his toxic consciousness.
"If you are superior to everyone, you can't have any friends... a very lonely existence." Patrick said that when he was analyzing the movie The Breakfast Club.
I'm a mother of two young children and I'm always anxious about my choices because I don't want inadvertent traumatize them. And that anxiety causes me to be on edge. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Have a good long time thinking about what a loving mother would act like and do. It should help give you an idea of which way you should go when dealing with your kids also having a supportive partner to bounce ideas off should help.
You need to practice daily affirmations like:
Every day I am discovering more patience,
I trust I am a good mother,
Or,
I trust I am becoming a better and better mom everyday,
I love my life
I love and accept my children and provide healthy rules, boundaries and limitations.
My kids didn't come with an instruction manual so I am compassionate to myself for not knowing what to do at times
I am so grateful for rediscovering the joys hidden in my life, each and every day
I accept and feel all the feelings and fears, and stand triumphantly now.
I do this too. I sobbed to my psychiatrist about this one time and he said something to me that has really stuck:
Shitty parent rarely, if ever, wonder if they're shitty parents.
Nobody is ever the perfect parent, but the simple fact you're actively trying not to be shitty matters a lot.
Caveat on this: my parents said this too, but they still have blind spots that make them toxic.
Is there a situation or a behavior that seems to “bring out the worst in you”? Where you can’t confront it, can’t get through it, and refuse to listen to your child because you are triggered?
That is going to make you toxic unless you address it directly - no matter how much you try at other things.
I had a very traumatic childhood. I am now an Adult with a 10 year old Daughter. My blue print for Parenting is to do the opposite of my Parents. Starting with being there for her (physically present and emotionally available). And every once in a while I ask her if there is anything I could do to improve as her Mother.
The best outcome of having Parents that were horrible at Parenting, is it taught me exactly how not-to-be. I can sometimes sense old patterns arising and I can squelch the tendency to be like my Mom before it manifests. My Daughter is thriving. And the amazing thing is the healing part of being able to be the Mom I wish I had.
Omg…..I think I clung to every word, thank you so much. Some new revelations here and loads to work on. I did laugh out loud when you said, “how did your parents deal with their feelings” Wow, where to go with that one? My parents had absolutely no understanding of the depth of their dysfunction and the subsequent damage they have caused. Patrick you have really helped my healing pathway ❤️
You're not alone. Same here and I laughed at that one too. 😉🧡
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How does he know exactly *when* I need to hear this?!?! Took screenshots of every single point, and I’m starting the journal work as I type this!!!
After many years of playing it safe and taking crap jobs that made me into a drone i took a gamble on a new creative endeavor. I presented the idea to an acquaintance, he was absolutely thrilled, we built a team and despite the pandemic and other setbacks we’ve raised a substantial amount of money. People who are established in the industry said, “I can’t believe this is your first effort“ and “you are extremely talented“. As a counselor said, do the thing. You know what the thing is. If you fail you can always go back to what you were doing before but we only get one go around so do the thing.
Good advice, plus if it bombs, you will gain new experience. Every step counts! Good luck with your project.
Pardon me for jumping in. When this happened to me, it helped when I gained insight into how my mother could not be a loving mom.
I had a BPD older sister who liked to Bully me. So my sister was already stressed out, needing a way to make herself feel better, to minimize her suffering. Did you know your mom's family? Did you like them?
No one talks about things that aren't happy. Yet these are the emotions that bring us understanding.
@@kirstinstrand6292 I’ve experienced cruel people who use abusive behavior towards others to regulate their emotions. I think of it as the reverse golden rule, hate others as you hate yourself. Once you see it those bully’s, apathetic milquetoasts and weak willed enablers become what they are, sad self righteous jokes at best or repellent sacks of shit at worst. The shame they tried to project on you is theirs and theirs alone. Leave them in the past, you’ll find yourself to be so much lighter and best of all FREE to be yourself.
Growing up my family was about judging everyone, if they were not judging people outside the family, then they would judge inside of the family. So it was better to judge others, than being victim of it. Negative ranting was very present, and screaming rages of my father when he poped his lid could last for an hour. I called his rages a snow ball effect, he would start with something nonsensical, and yelling for hours about stuff that you wouldn't be able to make sense off. He told me that I am not his daughter anymore, because I went to school and now I feel better than everyone. Where there was zero truth to that.
Oh boi. I've just started to think back about the countless times I've applied this unfinished business to my surroundings and its not a pleasant experience right now. Thank you for your videos, kindest regards from Germany!
The issues with ambiguity and feeling like you’re always doing something wrong really hit home for me. Growing up all of the rules were unspoken. I was never told what I was and wasn’t allowed to do and what the consequences would be if I broke a rule. My parents would just wait until I did something they didn’t like and then punish me. Sometimes a minor punishment, sometimes an over the top punishment, like when I was 14 and stayed out until like 5 or 6pm. Despite never giving me any kind of curfew or rule about where I could go, they grounded me, forced me to change schools, and gave me a silent treatment that lasted for five months. I was buying my own food and clothes and working as a dog walker! It sounds even more absurd now that I’ve typed it out. I was literally just hanging out with a friend at her school. I was committing vandalism or shoplifting.
Wow
I had no rules that I knew of until I broke them & got slapped. In other words, random, unpredictable punishment. Yay for learned helplessness. Great job, mommy dearest.
I am really sorry for this kind of harsh treatment from those who were supposed to love and guide you in life. May you be healed and empowered to build a better relationship with your kids.
Seeing this I'm feeling a little lost with myself. Currently in therapy! Going strong! But I'm just feeling blue thinking about how much accomodation and change I've undergone to 'fit the mold' and to please others. Im sad thinking about how long its taken and how much its going to take me to get a place where I feel like myself and Im happy. Step by step, I think. Thanks for the videos, as always. We're all working on ourselves a little bit at a time aren't we?
Me too
I realized a bit ago that that accommodation and effort to make things right w others is my natural, hard-wired, pro-social self. I'm a decent, kind, gentle person who wants to help others and make my community feel goid. They used that against me and tried to make me, like them. I may be hurt and have scars but they LOST! I did not become like them. I am still kind and sensitive and generous. What i need to practice is being that way toward myself. I refuse to be ashamed of what my subconscious squashed and covered and put in the corners to keep them from taking it away. I might have a wrinkled psyche but i'm still in here and they lost the war, no matter how many battle wounds i may have. Now it's my rehab time and they can sod off.
I love that in the empty chair exercise, you have somebody validating you and calling your parents out on their shite. I think our inner child needs that, for someone to stand up for us when we don't have the words..
This
Thank you for including the note about accountability vs blaming at the end. A friend of mine who i had confided in told me that I shouldn't have such high standards for my parents who are immigrants and tried their best to raise me.
One thing that has struck me in trying to cope: I started setting more boundaries for myself, to try to stop "returning socks at the hardware store" as you put it, but now it seems like people think I'm stand-off-ish. It's like I can't win. I'm either "too emotionally needy" by being friendly, helpful, and overly-enthusiastically people-pleasing, or I'm "too closed." Honestly, I am probably a HSP introvert. I don't prefer large gatherings. I reject going to luncheons, or work-lunches, or after-work parties because A) i'm usually exhausted by social interaction 18 hours a day, B) I'm not a drinker/partier - alcohol makes me depressed, and tired, not happy C) I don't buy into revolving my life around my job (queue "work-family" phrase, and my gag-reflex). I also don't really like "Mixing business with pleasure" and I don't see why colleagues act like they should have access to my non-work behaviors. It happens in *every* job I've ever had.
Some part of me feels like, while my family was/is definitely toxic, I am not going to have better luck forming relationships outside of family, either, when there's such a toxic work-and-money-focused atmosphere. I love technology, so I'm not looking to hide in the mountains from the internet. I just don't see how to make my personality work with other people, without abusing myself in the process.
mayb we could b frens or somethin lol
I've never been to therapy, and I really should have been seeing someone since early childhood. I'm still procrastinating that task. For now, I watch videos like this. From people, like me, who cannot bring ourselves to make that appointment for ourselves personally...Thank you thank you thank you.
Some people have been to therapy for decades and not received any of this information.
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I've made the best life changes by saying "I'm bored with this action/reaction/thought/etc." It takes the power from the "stuckness" and then I can choose a new path. I hope this helps someone else too. Childhood trauma work is exhausting sometimes, but it's always been rewarding in the long run.
Your channel helped me more than 13 years of therapy. I finally understand why I developed C-PTSD because I stayed in a 7 years abusive relationship and developed crippling Agliophobia. It all comes from my childhood neglect and understanding that helps me tremendously undoing those thought patterns. Thank you.
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Yes!! So recently I realized that I was wasting my time on people who I would never associate with , otherwise. So, it dawned on me that I was still, unconsciously, letting their horrible words dictate my life, and why? I don't agree with nor respect them , so I called then out on the abuse. I was met with gaslighting and cops when I held them accountable. And it clicked! Finally
It is incredibly obvious that you make these videos out of love. You are truly a champion for others. Thank you.
i wrote a letter to my mother and didn’t hold back. after i threw it away a flood of freedom began in my life
Very good video.
The one thing that my dad would say to me repeatedly was I had a chip on my shoulder. I never could understand what this meant. I was a defensive and snarky kid after probably 12 years old because my mother had narcissistic behavior and controlling and would throw out the I don't understand where your thinking comes from. The only way I coped was avoidance or when I finally had enough, being defensive.
My dad said I had a chip on my shoulder. I told him, well you’re a drunk and hit my mom right after she had a mastectomy
Thank you, Patrick!!
This was perfect!! I was recently in a role at work where my supervisor saw me in a certain negative way and it really triggered me as far as “You don’t see me”.
Performing - I only matter when I am producing.
I used to lose my temper and lash out all the time at people when in a verbal confrontation. I realized the problem was me and my reactions. I just began to grey rock all the irritating people in my life. Eureka! I now have peace and quiet in my life. I am now working on forgiveness and understanding of my parents.
#1 Dysfunction w/ Romantic Partners (people pleasing) - 9:24
#2 Who Your Parents Said You Were (identity) - 14:18
#3 How You Deal w/ Your Feelings (dysfunctional soothing) - 19:37
Your channel has been life changing! I had a very violent childhood and I did years of therapy and never had anyone explain trauma this clearly and give me tools to help! You are a wonderful person for doing this! Can’t wait to take your course.
This is very helpful introduction to the topic for me. I have recognized a lot of the dysfunction in my own family but it’s very hard to work out how it’s still affecting me and what needs healing. Just the phrases “how did your parents deal with their feelings” and “what do you do when you are triggered” gave me a lot of insight on where to start.
I’m 29, 3rd of six kids, and have been desperately trying to re-parent all my siblings for years, often completely neglecting myself. Lately I’ve been realizing that this is some of that “unfinished business” left in my psyche. While I believe I’ve helped my siblings a lot, I think it’s time to let it go as *my* responsibility. I want to find a balance where I am available for help and connection but not obsessing over how to save everyone. I don’t get to control how they handle their trauma; the best thing I can do is heal myself and share that.
You being healthy and balanced is the best thing you can do for your siblings. They will need your support many times still to come
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I rarely comment on video but this was so helpful that I have to. I was stuck in analyzing where my problem come from and I have gained a lot of insight but I still felt stuck. It was really eye-opening to hear and emotionally understand that, even if we can't get closure or justice in the outside world, we can put the blame where it belongs and reclaim our lives. "Reclaim" is the word that touched me the most. I used to get stuck in the thought that I was broken or crippled by my childhood but reframing it into something that was taken away or withheld (like love, safety etc.)helped me to see that it is something that I can get (back). Thank you so much!
Yes, giving the parent back their dysfunction 💙
As I watched your video and you came to #2 Who your parents said you were, I thought to myself, "oh I don't have to worry about this part because my parents always spoke well of my accomplishments." (ha!) Then I realized that's the only thing they talked about if/when I came up in conversation. Thank you for bringing awareness to this part of unfinished business. Your videos are so incredibly helpful.
Great video.
Definitely would like to try the empty chair technique. Even hearing you say some examples and saying some of them in my own head welled up a lot of feelings in me.
Trying hard to be my own parent and recognizing when my inner child reacts to something.
I had a fight with my boyfriend last week about him not asking about my day being shitty after I told him about it on the phone. I feel like I maybe look at him to behave like a caring parent, as mine weren't really emotionally available for me when I was a kid.
We tend to want partners to take care of us when we werent taken care of as a child
This is definitely me.
@@CloudslnMyCoffeeI see what you're saying but we do take care of one another in a relationship. That's healthy.
I don't think it was a big ask to expect him to say something later. That sounds reasonable, as is expecting your partner to be there for you and take care of you. It goes both ways and signals a good relationship.
I just turned 60 and my father said something to me that finally made me open my eyes that i do have trauma feom my childhood and it has affected every relationship i have ever had. Then along comes this video with 2 weeks of that happening. This explains the adult me to a T. I have a lot of work that needs to be done to heal that inner child and now i have a starting point. Thnk ypu so much!!
So many hits for me in this presentation. I began self work at age 20 and turn 71 this year. I needed this so much. I really heard you today. Thank you, particularly for journaling prompts. Please continue these posts. You are helping.
I always got to the point of "not replaying old tapes/ negative voices" and "reparenting", knowing that was the solution and then... what?! It was like dead end. This has just given me the last piece of that puzzle! Of course, there's always more to resolve but it is so freeing to be able to empower ourselves. Thank you!
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Thank you so much for these.
Ive been through so many therapists who won't give me homework, yet you're here giving videos and e course work and I just appreciate this all so much.
I can see so much of myself in things you talk about, I'm not sure how ready I am, cause some of the work is triggering but I'm trying and thank you for your hard work and dedication to posting these and actually wanting to help those of us who actually want help
.....if that makes sense?
As a gay man from a homophobic family that cared so much about "What will the church and neighbors think?", "This will reflect bad on me! My coworkers will think I'm a failure of a parent!", "You can't be Like That!" that they threatened to sue the highschool when I went to it's Gay Straight Alliance (I was desperate for any scraps of community) and almost sent me to conversion therapy (I managed to beg my way out) - it really did impact my ability to have romantic relationships as well as how I see myself and I just realized that. I am very glad that I scheduled a therapist appointment, I honestly thought it might have been a waste!
I definitely relate to the people pleasing. My parents directly reinforced that it was one of my good traits.
So GREAT! Love this title because it helps me feel like it can be finished. Does anyone wonder if toxic parents might use splitting to reduce your connection to your sibling by talking to each of you as if the other child is the golden child even though the is no golden child. The parents just pretend they favor your sibling when you're around and pretend to your sibling they favor you.
Oh my word! This could explain why my brother and I both felt like the other one was the favorite child🤯
@@Picca65 right? When i started to a tually talk to my brother i found out that they would praise me when he could hear it about anything they knew i was good w that he wasn't and then they'd do the same to me abt him. But neither of us got anything but coals on our heads when we were in the room.
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I just want to say, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with everyone on here! Having a licensed professional be willing to offer so much information and insight is so appreciated! So many can’t afford to see a therapist regularly, or even have insurance, and your education and resources are invaluable!
I have watched that three times already. And I have started holding them accountable. In my car, alone, shouting, screaming, and crying. And thank you for not pushing me to confront them in person.
I always end up crying while watching your videos but in a good way if that makes sense- I always go into a video not realizing it’s maybe something I’ve been struggle with not acknowledging or doing without realizing where it stems from. Really hit hard with the romantic partners ahhhh! Thank you so much for what you do
very powerful comment! thank you for being so open with all of us
@the_cloud_art, as soon as he said romantic partners, that big ole 💡💡💡💡lit over my head!! I’m still shook!! But, he painted that bullseye 🎯 and boom!! It hit!! Keep fighting my husband because he isn’t understanding that my 8 year old is in charge when I get triggered on all fronts, but I’m fighting this fight with my father and mother and their both dead. I finally understand!! Now I’m crying, in a good way if anything makes any sense!!
“Toxic people have no right to tell you who you are.”
Thank you
Thank you so much for these videos!
It gives quite a lot of insight where my own unfinished business lies and I am pretty sure where the pattern is. My parents used to 'give me space' to feel my emotions and let me return whenever I was 'done'.
And I think I just needed more hugs and be given the space to be cry, be angry and be upset when I was/am with them. I want to be heard and what I feel to be validated by them.
Last Friday I felt like I did ok on an interview, my dad started to quiz me about the interview and came up with these suggestions on what I could have done better. I got upset, I started to panic and I felt awful because I felt like I bombed the interview. I felt like a failure and when I expressed that, my dad dismissed it with 'oh well, all you can do is wait, no need to be upset and you did the best you could' and 2 minutes later we hung up.
The feeling of panic continued to cling to me like a wet rag. The feeling only left when I called a friend, spoke to her and asked if I could stay over. I was more than welcome. Everything was ok. It wasnt weird, it wasnt awkward, basically she validated my feelings, told me her thoughts about the matter and that was that.
When I woke up this morning, I felt ok. The interview was a little off, the people were nice and I concluded that they were just with their head in the clouds because they had interviews all morning + an unexpected meeting with their directors.
I am fine, my feelings are valid, I am of equal value and we can meet each other in the middle. And while I am going over this, I realize that I feel normal. I feel normal and that I am gaining the tools to actually have and maintain a positive relationsip.
Omg! My parents used to tear me apart after anything that was an accomplishment. They were like rabid dogs just competing with each other on who could come up with a worse criticism of whatever i had done. But they never helped me prepare for anything. They just waited for the final output and then chewed it to pieces.
I am from Romania and finding your channel was a revelation for me.I don't have enough money for a therapist 😢and your videos helps me a lot.Thank you so much ❤
"The man only saw me in the negative according to him." Sounds like we shared the same father.
This video speaks to my heart and soul. I was listening to it via bluetooth in my car; I had to pull over for a while to recenter my being. Thank you for the video. It is truly a journey.
“…The boss is not the sock return store…” made me actually LOL …love it. That juxtaposition we should be able to see so clearly. I think it works. Thanks for all you do!
Wow. I escaped through reading. It’s all I did and all I wanted to do… I relate to this far too much
Thanks for this video
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As a transgender person i feel like I really need this empty chair therapy around "Who your parents said you were". This would be a super intense therapy session that would hopefully be helpful. Thank you for highlighting this technique. There are so many issues from my childhood that would be explorable that way.
whew 22:33 and you called me the hell out. for me it was achieving. I got straight As, no Bs at all throughout high school and graduated Summa Cum Laude from my university where I was a Presidential Scholar. achieving was everything to me. to this day, i graduated a year ago and still i feel a twist of pain when i see peers achieving something. i feel that achieving is what makes me worthy and worthwhile. even now, even though i had a depression where i couldn’t work for 4 months on my business, i still beat myself for not having reached a certain number in revenue. i only recently started realizing that i have done a good thing and i don’t need to keep focusing on what i am not and striving all the time, all the time
So my husband overheard the end of this video and he opened up about unhealthy habits that were modeled to him in high school, candidly, for the first time. So happy this can help him start healing too
I always watch your videos and ask myself how does someone understand the intricacies of trauma SO much like you do. It’s insane! I am forever grateful.
This has been life changing. You and the Crappy Childhood Fairy are genuinely amazing
Both helpful to me also. Grateful.