Codependency and Complex Trauma - Part 1/10
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 พ.ค. 2019
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Tim looks at how codependency results from Complex Trauma.
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My therapist says that it is like setting yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm
🤯 wow that's horrifically poetic
Once I realized I was codependent and learned what a boundary was, my family HATED it. They like passive, pushover me. This is the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm never going back to old me 😊
Same here, as soon as I showed some (even small) boundries to my parents. Like you can't come over this Sunday because I have other things to do, they got angry. They even got upset if I don't talk along with them judging other people. Also, for example, if my dad likes a green car and I prefer red, he is annoyed. So, at 50 years old, I was fed up with it. I wrote my mom a kind letter basically asking respect and honesty, because they only talk about trivial things but when it comes to emotions they consider me a problem. She wrote me back telling me that I should know by now that things can better be sweeped under the rug. And that is exactly what I meant with dishonesty. I broke up with them 3 years ago and it has been a good decision. I don't accept disrespect anymore and setting such boundaries for myself feels really good. Since they are out of my life I feel much happier (about my self)!
Here here
thats the thing that's so difficult about making any major change for the better; the switch is often too much for people to comprehend, and if you're still a dependent it makes it even more difficult.
@@resse20012 years before breaking up with my parents I divorced my narcisstic husband after 20 years of marriage. It came to a point where he didn't respect me as a woman, wife or mother. So I thought to myself if I accept this, then that's it; I should never complain again (and don't look myself in the eye ever again) And if this deep disrepect isn't reason enough to set a boundry and choose for myself, I might as well never consider it again (I was 48 y/o at that time) So I finally took the step to divorce him. He left within 2 weeks and I never saw him again. It's bizarre! Even after a couple of days I got my energy back which he used to sucked out of me. I started feeling great about my decision setting boundries for myself. So the next step, my parents, wasn't as hard as it might seem. I wanted to ban all disrespect out of my life; whatever the relationship.
Same situation with my mother and adult children . It’s just never enough . And when rubber met the road, I was the one standing alone !!! I had to say good bye them and hello to myself !!!
This guy is the greatest therapist in the game. He is on topic with laser precision. Dense and no fluff. A genius.
You can't have an honest relationship with someone who can't take accountability for their bad traits. Impossible* 🐉🔆🌈
spot on
SETTHETONE: thank you. Unfortunately I’m not sure that those who have character trait failures realize what they are doing, or the impact they have on others.
Including parents, children
I think this is why Jesus says Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing . Jesus called them in a nice way clueless.
Yup!!! I have come to the space where if any relationship I have can not look at themselves, reflect, take accountability and see things then there's no place to move forward with them! It hurts, but hurting yrself cuts deeper!! Honour thyself!! ❤
Needing a relationship to prove that you are lovable... Needing to solve everyone's problems to be valuable... *crys*
I learned to be a loner in high school my senior year so I got over #1 but I still have issues with #2. I have to learn to be okay with making mistakes.
"So they're dying inside trying to give somebody else Life who doesn't want Life."
He just described my childhood.
Well said!.
This pertains to my marriage.
😢😢😢
Mine too
He just described me as an adult. I've gotten worse, unconsciously, taking all the BPDs and NPDs seriously.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with an alcoholic abusive narc father and a codependent mother . They were both so immersed in each other that my brother and I seemed to just be in the way. I’m so so thankful I found your videos. Finally at 48 I am healing and learning how to re parent myself and notice my own negative patterns that I have including co dependency . These videos are honestly valuable beyond words ❤
I grew up in a similar situation. I also have a brother , but he passed away when we were kids . I’m 41 and just starting the work. I am so grateful that we have the opportunity to turn the page !!💞💞💞
I’m in recovery from substance abuse. As a man, it’s tough to say out loud. “Yeah, I am a codependent”. Even though I learned it from my parents, I still feel shame and guilt about it. Blame myself, which isn’t fair. A symptom of codependency is an inability to love and respect yourself. One of the things I committed to in my own recovery was no dating, no sex, no relationships until I heal. Unhealthy relationships have been destructive to me even more so than the substance abuse.
If men were not codependent they would not get married. A lot of men are codependent.
@@Snow-wz6eu So according to you, every man that has ever been married is codependent? No. Wow.
That’s not what they said, you’re twisting it. Are you a narcissist~wow
I don't think it's bad to ve codependent. It's bad to be dependable on someone who treats you badly
Both my husband and I are codependent. We have both gone no contact with our families for 4 years now but the remaining questions I still have are, how could you let them treat me like that for so long knowing it was harming me. My family on the other hand put him on a pedestal until recently. So I was codependent and people pleasing 2 sets of families until I got so worn down with chronic pain and autoimmune issues I could barely walk. Then got diagnosed with PTSD and both mothers had tantrums. Its been truly unbelievable.
“ They’re dying inside to give life to somebody else.”
And that’s how you become bitter and resentful.
"Codependency is the dance of wounded souls." #deep
Unfortunately I see myself as the narcissist in this situation … I can’t believe I didn’t realize how inappropriate my behavior was when I was dating my ex… I’m really glad I found this page and I owe my ex a long apology…
Well done for your honesty!!! Well done for wanting to apologise to your ex and, I guess for addressing your issues! You will become a good person!!
Being em willing to look at ourselves is a gift to the world and you too deserve to heal and feel free from this poison. Keep going🌿
Awakening to our previously hurtful and unconscious behaviors is a huge leap forward ❤
Thank you so much!! Now I know why I married 4 times and each one was a narcissist. My dysfunctional ways was leading me to what only I learned in my home
@@nancycook4405me too Nancy, ME TOO! I'm 10 years into my 4th marriage now. He's the most like my mom, which I know I recognized subconsciously as FAMILIAR! I'm still trying to heal trauma from childhood. Lord, help me!!!
Wow. Did this for 10 years with someone and now see we were both doing it. We were both trying to fix the other's wounds. It took a good three years of intense therapy and quitting alcohol to see that. Literally while watching this video for school. Thank you.
First of all, i am a single woman of color who has learned the hard way, from lots of abandonment from family, and others throughout my young life. I can honestly admit that i now see and realize sadly so, that i havent had a true 'relationship', i only had 'situationships' w/toxic unhealthy ppl. I am now glad to live alone, being celibate & letting my heart, mind & soul heal from trauma. I am 62, independent & not willing to be traumatized by anyone toxic any more the rest of my life. I have many health problems and i need peace & my life is so much better by being alone. Codependency is not for me. Its a trap & a death sentence as far as im concerned. My spirituality is more important to me than being trapped & stuck like an animal in a cage w/someone who mistreats me every day of my life. Im a single woman of color who is proud of myself for loving my own company and i dont miss situationships
Wow, your comment truly resonated with me. I felt like I wrote it! You sound awesome and you validated me on my journey by knowing there's someone else that feels the same 😊❤️
Ditto ladies...👏👏👏
More power to you anndavis2920 ! I totally know what you mean. Stay strong but maybe keep your heart open for friends in your life. You are loved
You need to be happy and safe. That's the most important thing. I hope your years pass with content and calm.
Perhaps the most insightful comment i have ever read, on any comments section in 15+ years of youtubes on all topics.. "our spirituality is more important" ..recovering from our complex families of trauma, is a lifelong process.. .anything different than our not separating from these families is just a perpetual harm becoming more perpetual, a life filled up by enabling behaviors for people who would never grow up and do not want to even consider it ❤
I cried listening to his explanation of how loving God actually is. I thought the codependency description was profound, but he just tied things together in a way no one ever has before about Christianity and God.
If you have no interest in God, I would encourage you to listen to the codependency part 100%. But if you have even the slightest willingness to, I would urge anyone to listen to the second half, about God.
I didn't know I was co-dependent until very recent. I am addicted to how people respond to me and I hate it. I am a huge people pleaser and always looking for validation to see if we are ok and it is mentally exhausting. I am trying to pull back from people but it is painful as I feel like I will be replaced by someone better all of the time if I don't make an effort, or see them interact with other people.
Go one stwp deepwr when you feel those things and ask yourself why. Or stop and think, wow... thats not a nice thought, but this thought isnt a reflection of me or my reality" treat it like a crazy fletting thought. Tell yourself that the people who love you wont replace you and the people that replace you werent worth your time to begin with.
Me too!!
Am 66 years old and being in therapy and support groups for various addictions and codependancy for most of the time since 2009. I have BPD, Complex PTSD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and recurrent depression. I thought that my only problem was substance abuse - oh boy was I wrong!
@@PeterBaylisit ALL stems from relationships.
I am so grateful for your studies. I am 83 years old and have lived with a narcissist
for 65 years. Finally I can let myself off the hook!!!! and better these last years of my miserable life. It feels really good. I so hope my estranged children can hear this message and get help for themselves. Our one son has made it through and is a wonder.
Sending you strength : )
I think you're amazing!! I'm 59 and just learning about narcissistic family relationships and how that abuse affected so much of my life negatively. I feel so old to discover it now but hearing that their are others even older than I am who are also willing to still take it on and try to heal really gives me strength. Thank you for your courage!!!
Bravo for You… it’s Never Too Late! Hugs 🤗
I'm 77 and lived in an unhappy marriage for 57 years. Still married but have learned to stand up for myself and dont take crap anymore. I still have so much guilt that I wasn't strong enough to get a divorce. But, who knows, maybe I would have ended up in an even worse situation because I'm just now learning how to be strong and stand up for myself. I have apologized to my children, and although we had some rough patches, we now have a good relationship and I'm blessed with the love of wonderful grandchildren. Seeing me grow and gain strength has also helped my children become stronger, and they know my love for them is unconditional. It is so hard, and it seems like almost everyone has some kind of trauma. Good luck and God bless you.
God bless you all! This is so encouraging.
This lecturer is saying absolutely right things. He is excellent 👏. Bravo!
Wow. Trying to have a relationship without honesty, trust, and respect…. That rang so true.
Sometime they’re on the spectrum and not a classic narcissist. It is as triggering or more in my opinion. Very crazy-making for us deeply caring types. All our needs go out the window trying to figure them out and make them happy.
So true. But remember that than more you make them happy and neglect yourself than more they will disrespect you. Because you are so bad at taking care of yourself and that is disgusting them. They can never look up on you but will look down on you as you don’t have any pride.
Be more self loving and egoistic and you may get some of their respect back. That knowledge helped me to not go further down the drain when I was about to totally give myself up and only serve them.
I think there's so much truth and wisdom in this, but the "always" and "never" language is dark. I have complex trauma, had unhealthy relationships, and I, at this point, only think there was one or two actual narcs. Pop psychology has us thinking it's everyone we wind up toxic with and that is SO wrong. NPD has to be diagnosed by a professional.
You hit the nail on the head for me! It turns out I chose an Asberger mate to marry and have a family with. He was undiagnosed and masking both his disorder and his extensive childhood trauma until 30 years in when I finally had enough of him and our Asberger son’s abuse and began requiring honesty from everyone, including myself. I unconsciously chose him because of my own ptsd. (Knowledge about all of this was mostly nonexistent 30 years ago) The extra difficulty is that autism messes with normal human bonding 😢 but they can still choose to be honest, come clean from addictions, etc.
So true. My childhood trauma stems more from people with asperger disorder than from narcissism.
100%
Wow, this is probably the best explanation for complex PTSD/codependency. Thank you for this.
Agree
Agreed
When there’s a disagreement,
when I need to say YES
or when I need to say NO,
when I need to state my needs,
and ask for them to be met...
When I need to create boundaries...
There's a possibility and a probability,
that someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in every encounter,
interaction, and relationship...
In a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me...
NEVER
ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose a part of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
I longed for honesty as well after I divorced my narcisstic husband and broke with my disrespecting parents. I came along a book called 'radical honesty' by Brad Blanton and this helped me a lot. I no longer make excuses. If I don't want to do something I just say no and imagine a big punctuation mark in my head. People can react flabbergasted if you do so, because they expect an explanation for everything. But you don't owe everybody an explanation. And if I want to explain myself I tell the truth. Some people can't take it, but that is their business. Real friends don't mind if I say I don't feel like coming over this weekend without making up some headache or so. I can tell you that it is hard to always tell the truth, because lying is the oil in the social machinery. But it cleanses my soul and that's important to me.
Co-dependency is a silent assassin
I have been in this cycle for far too long (I’m 55 years old) It wasn’t until I finally reached “I can not be a door mat for others to wipe this crap on anymore !” and found information on codependency and manipulation ..... I am now on the search for being a healthy woman living a better life for me ....
Thank you Tim for helping many many many . God bless you
Love and light
Namaste 🙏
Reality is there is no real helping others---- if these educators don't say" go live your life "
@Happy Azz - I’ve been saying that for years - and I’m 58…. Ugh
64 here. Still struggling
I feel exactly the same - I am not perfect but damb!! Some of the things that my own family have said & done are beyond the pale!
💯
20:50: I burst into laughter when Tim said "I have to develop a radar for their mood". Holy smokes, being able to tell the mood forecast for the evening from the way they walk around the house...
23:22: And then I nearly cried when he said "I can't be convinced you love me until you have no friends and no family" because that is also true...
walking on eggshells
That’s so me
I cut all my closest friends and distanced my family because of this, you become so alone
That’s me is not fun when I have to read Doctor 👩🏻⚕️ specifically when they have bad news.
this is absolutely insane . like he said in the beginning, it will feel like our stories are being narrated and thats exactly how i felt. if i could print out this transcript, i could highlight every sentence and remember 10 examples for every highlight. my mind is blown and i feel awoken now in my late thirties
Look into celebrate recovery or ACA 12 step program
You can print out this transcript....Thankfully.
RAW MAN! Loving your share. Another group is Adult Children of Alcoholics. Relationships #1 I experienced.
Late 40s for me 🎉
50s here I’m awoken too
I am struggling to let go of a very toxic abusive relationship. He never believed he was the problem and he justified all the bad things he ever did. He never had remorse. And I realized that it’s me with the problem. I need to learn to love myself. Something is wrong with me and this video is eye opening for me.
So relatable ❤
✨🦋✨
Good luck to everyone on their journey. It's painful, but worth every bit.
There are so many videos on this subject out there but your level of insight and ability to convey such complex material is incredible
Thank you so much
I agree 1000%
I agree
I have seen so many too but this 🎉🎉 is fabulous ❤
Yes
I cried through out the entire video because everything he said resonated with me. Listening to this video also helped me recall a long-forgotten memory that had been challenging for me to recall. It seemed like I was going through my childhood trauma all over again. He actually helped me understand why I've been developing harmful qualities since I was a kid. Though difficult, I needed it, therefore I appreciate him for providing me with greater clarity 🙏🏼✨
Me Too!
ditto
Upon hearing "If you leave me, can I come with you?" it brought tears to my eyes because that is how I think even if the situation is toxic. I formed a toxic attachment to my husband at a young age which lasted for 17yrs.
I have an insecure attachment to my father. He left and later divorced my mom when I was 4... and I was never good enough. The siblings from his next marriage were his shining stars. He was always negative... I somehow chose a husband that seemed to be my best friend at first but turned out to be very similar to my dad, and our marriage became me constantly trying to be good enough and to gain his approval... which never seemed to happen until I was discarded (I feel like my issues caused him to do the grotesque things that he did... but I would never do those things to anyone). Even then, after alot... I still love him and wanted him to value me. That is when it dawned on me that something is wrong with me, and I need help... which I'm trying to seek.
Thank you so much for your videos.
Sending you love. I know you will find your way ❤️
I definitely have been codependent for many years with 2 husbands and a child with addictions. Thx so much.
This explains so much. Excellent !!!!
this is my story as well. You are not alone. Found terrible things he was doing behind my back and I still love him. His stroke shut me down and I found I dont know who I am. I based my entire world around him and his happiness and it still didnt keep him from being in the street with other women. I finally realized how codependent I am so I am now in recovery hoping to get a semblance of my wants and needs before he comes back home from the hospital so that I'm not making the same mistakes as before.
Congrats on working on your own self-worth. ❤
❤
Honesty Trust Respect =
A Healthy Relationship
“Co Dependency is how a shame based person approaches relationships”
Complex trauma happens where the person with the most power is a Narcissist
They make “IT” ALL ABOUT THEM…
Narc abuses others who don’t worship them
I am exhausted from myself I want to be free and find happiness within myself. Honesty Trust Respect is what I need to give myself. I am so grateful for this video. Thank you very much!
Sending encouragement!! I'm also very weary from a lifetime dealing with family narcissist abuse. It's really tough and never really ends but we can heal and be positive for others. Keep the faith!!
Man I feel you on that. I feel exhausted with myself sometimes. Really run ragged. I don’t even know if I have ever really slept well in my life. Learning to give myself some grace. Just wanted to say you’re not alone. ❤
14 minutes in and I've got my face in my hands, weeping. At 20 minutes, you described my childhood belief which crashed into a million pieces once I realized it wasn't working: "No matter how many Straight A's I get, it won't make them happy [together]." Thank you for this hard lesson, Mr. Fletcher. I appreciate your Christian teaching, as I do believe that God is the Pure Essence of Love and Peace; your explanation of God's love for us, comforted my heart and I am grateful for your candidness and hope to learn from these lessons. God bless you...💔🙏
Relationship with a covert narcissist looks more insidious than with an overt one surely. Feels like a double bind.
The Q°Anon "Cult" teaches Double Bind! Addictive Games; and Hypnosis & NLP are used, 24/7 deceptive Recruiting & an EviL in, Weaponized FRAMING!
Dr. Steven Hassan,* Ph. D. It's
Horrifying INFO!
"The Cultl-Like Behavior of Trump's Extremist Followers."
I just recently had an argument with my sister regarding her lifelong lack of responsibility and how I enabled her. At an early age, my mom drilled it in my head that I was responsible for myself and my sister. Listening to Mr. Fletcher, I realize how codependent I am. I ask God to make me whole. It's not a coincidence that I was led to these videos.
Literally described my relationship with my parents: My dad was the narcissist and in charge and my mom needed rescuing so I was set up perfectly for codependent tendencies, always making sure everyone around me was happy nearly killed me!
Same as me… how can we heal that? I am always afraid of other people will think of me or afraid of disappoint people
@@albwin4739 it's a process, boundaries are important and knowing that you're just as valuable as everyone else. Fear of man might feel real, but ultimately, people can't determine your worth. Finding good supportive, authentic community is also extremely helpful for me.
I seriously can't kick codependency. It's the worst addiction. It destroys your sense of self esteem. I am never enough....I give and give...I sometimes just hate myself because I just want to be free from this hell of abandonment and feelings of inferiority. I wish I could heal. I feel so broken.... again.
You can do it. I wasn't able to do it by myself. I needed a good therapist to encourage me to keep going through the discomfort until I made it out. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen overnight, but it is the healthiest thing I've ever done.
@@arycwarneke thank you
l
@@lisaeve6426 God can heal you. He wants to. We all need Him and Jesus because we all sinners and broken. Go to Jesus and give Him all.
I found 12 Step Alanon work helpful. I’m powerless over People, Places, Things and Events. It’s not just for those effected by someone’s drinking. It’s a program of healing and self-focus. You can be Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Agnostic or Atheist. Your Higher Power can be Nature or a tree.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
Interesting that you say that about the 1535 mark, that because the person feels bad inside, that they must get validation outside because they have no good feelings inside... That's very interesting if you look at our society now it's just exactly like that! People think that they can make others call them how they want to be called, they can force others to stop triggering them. The word tolerance has been changed to mean not only I accept whatever idiosyncrasies you have, but I actually support the craziness that you might be doing...! Exactly what you said here
very good observation
This gentleman right here has created the most valuable content I have ever encountered, even though I'm in the topic for 6 years now.
Holy shit, a Christian who shit talks other Christians! I’m here for it! 🤘
Dude… some Christians really are the worst. They use Christianity as a way to be superior to others. That happened to Jesus. It was the Pharisees that got Jesus crucified. They hated Him for pointing out that they weren’t real believers but just virtue signaling, judgmental fakers. It’s all there in the Bible.
I didn't realize how I want to make my girl happy to a fault ,not realizing my happiness didn't matter. I know she has insecurities of her self, and it is because of past relationships, and I didn't like her feeling that way because she is the most beautiful woman inside and out.i wanted to take that feeling away from her,but i was suffocating her
I watched my mother go through things during her life because of co dependence. My life is different because of it. I know that I deal with a pride issue that is now a whole lot better because, I would never beg anyone for anyone. I rather, do without until I can get it for myself. Yes, I know that pride destroys and this is my trauma because, I could have needs but, begging will never happen. I work myself to death to make sure that my dependence is only with God. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. It is what it is. Thank God it’s better now. God bless you for sharing this ❤️✌🏾
You’ve explained me perfectly. Everyone in my childhood has let me down so I depend on myself and have a very hard time asking others for help.
Had an emotional flashback yesterday and had to get away from everything. I'm staying at a hotel for a few days because I can't calm myself down. I finally got 8 hours of sleep for the first time in a month. It feels like the trauma is finally getting out of my body and it's really physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally painful, disorienting, and exhausting. If I stayed home my family would send me to the psych ward and that's not what I need right now. I need to not be distracted by anything or anyone. I just need some alone time because I always let people comfort me and convince me I have never done anything wrong and in this case it's not true. I'm codependent so I need to face this on my own, just like an addict would lock themselves in a room to prevent relapse.
I need everyone, everywhere, to watch this.
OMG this is so spot on. I am so thankful for mental health research and all the resources available today!!!!! Man i wish 20 years ago I/we wouldve known all of this.
I wouldnt have got where I am today without those resources!
I've got to say I'm not an religious man, I've had a lot of trauma in my lifetime, mental and physical, by coming across this podcast, you have highly educated me, I give you my greater thanks for this education 🙏😇💞
This hit home so hard. Growing up in a dysfunctional family and now being in a relationship where I basically have no needs. I am dancing around a person who is so damaged and I’m trying to “fix myself” to accommodate him and be what he needs.
I appreciate the video. And It's not always true that you don't want to be alone because your the greatest fear is that there unlovable. People who come from neglect and abandonment. It's painful and terrifying to re-experience abandonment.
As BPD im avoidant until i get codependant, which then leads to substance abuse. everything is so spot on. love this video.
This is gold, painful gold
Thank God someone is talking about how codependency can be reinforce or worsen in the church. I know from experience that God is not angry; I can be angry with Him but He never is never angry with me. He is not even disappointed.
God understands the journey you are going through and the paths you are willing to take to set yourself free.
Thank you for sharing this, it helped me to read it just now.
So Gods a him 😂😂😂😂
Yah what’s cool about God is that He can often use our mistakes and turn them into positive growth, not just for ourselves but even for others.
"It murders your soul"...I'm sitting here 2-3 years after a bad codependent relationship unable to feel love anymore.
This dude just told my whole life with his words killing me softly lol
😂😂😂
Who is talking? Yeah the one, which is codependent feels the killing coming up, giving way to the real you
“ if you leave me, can I come too?” Is crazyyyy
I am at 47 mins in and can I just express my heartfelt deep gratitude for this! It’s FREE and phenomenal especially with helping me gain a better understanding of how I have managed my relationship with a man I love deeply but who is a narcissist, definitely a victim of complex trauma in childhood and codependent. I have wanted to honour God and yet the world says do this and do that, I just wanted to honour God and this has clarified that I have. I am so so grateful to God for this video, this presentation and this man! Thank you🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
Can relate to 98% of this. Waking up to it is painful but necessary in order for the cycle to cease
It is my experience that complex trauma does not only occur because of abusive or neglectful parents. My experience as an adopted child was enough to set me up right away to become a codependent person. It was the tools I developed to feel safe and secure, even though I had lovely parents. I simply didn't trust this world. It was later I had additional trauma that heightened these behaviors, and landed me in one traumatic relationship after another...putting up with really bad behavior time and again thinking I could somehow sway the outcome to something more positive. It has taken me years of seeking to figure out this was my underlying issue
I am adopted too, and agree with you 100%.
I would think that a child put up for adoption would fall prey to still battling under the umbrella of neglect even if your adopted by a loving family at the foundation your biological parent neglected you not saying it can't be redemptive but I'm just saying I wonder if that's why even if being in a loving family there is still at the foundation the
wrestles of feelingwanted and loved.
I hope that makes sense.
You could have had developmental trauma which is pre-verbal, and being removed from your caregivers and likely not given the extent of the nurturing you needed as a baby is enough to create trauma. That not enough-ness and lack of attunement in your baby years was neglectful though not intentional.
It's an orphan spirit
This is my new best video I’ve seen in 2023
So true!! I'm 59 and I spent all my life trying to "plead" my case in a logical fashion to what I now find out is a Covert Narcissist mother, enabling emotionally distant if not emotionally absent father, covert narcissist older sister and golden child younger brother. I have one other much younger brother who is an alcoholic who at least will discuss mistakes but the entire rest of the family has attacked me since as early as I can remember for just trying to state very obvious dysfunctional truths and wanting to fix them. I really began to think at almost 60 that I must be unlovable and something must be wrong with me even though I have managed somehow through the lifetime of learned dysfunction and then my own reactions in dysfunction to have some success and to do a few things right. I raised twins as a single Mom after divorcing yes a narcissist husband...by trying to do almost the opposite of what my mother did. Anyway none of them will even attempt to look in the mirror or even suggest that they might need to change or that my feelings ever have any validity. It's a dead end. I'm pushing forward but I do feel a lot of grief. Sometimes I wish I could have a do over for a lifetime of fake love from all my family. My silver lining are my now 20 year old twins. I am going to heal for myself and then and hope to be able to get well so I can help others. I hope that you are recovering and getting better each and every day!! I really understand where you are coming from!! Best wishes
My story is your story. 59 as well. I dug so deep my being the narc was undeniable. It's okay because the truth is what matters most. My siblings have no idea what they are. Siblings discarded me just for asking questions about childhood. Accidentally narc injured sister with a joke. Within 1 week 5 other sibs believed I hated mom and rallied to protect the covert mother. They followed the cult narc family instruction booklet to a tee. It was a blessing.
This sounds like my story!!
This made me tear up. I guess it’s because I totally relate too
Yup the highly dysfunctional family system… but there’s hope. I’m 40 now and two of my siblings have a good relationship with me. They’re reborn Christians and doing much better than me.
In my 34 year of recovery by grace...I'm facing my codependency with my ex wife helping her out with our beautiful amazing son..I know God has his hand in this trying to step up as a man not being self one day at a time but taking care of myself ...thank you all...prayers needed😊
For someone suffering from codependency, it’s the only way they know how to survive in life. Labeling them now as being “wrong” does not help. How do you develop your own sense of self if you’ve been taught that love and acceptance is conditional, as long as you do what you’re told only then you get “love” ? What if being codependent is your lifeline and you don’t know any different?
Can you time stamp where he said you are so wrong if you are codependent?
I suspect that it is your shame wound translating.
Yes, we learned to be codependent to survive....however, it is a form of self betrayal, self abandonment to stay that way.
Our wounds create tunnel vision, learned helplessness, and lack of power.
The only way, is to heal those wounds, heal the subconscious programming....so we can show up for ourselves, be an advocate for ourselves. If we don't, we are merely repeating to ourselves what was done to us.
What if someone called out your parent and your parent got stuck in the shame of being called "wrong"....more than they felt compelled, shocked, into acting different, showing up for you, developing their own emotional regulation and emotional intelligence?
You are not your wounds.
Those are the lens in which you view yourself, the world and others. Those can be changed, your view transformed and you CAN show up for yourself as you.
I wish you deep healing and peace.
I hope you can compassionately face and hold space for the core wound of shame...as that is where it all can change. It can be hard, it can be painful....but I promise, it IS worth it!
The only way is understanding not everyone knows true love. Only some parents knew feeding, clothing, and shelter was love. No hugs, no saying I love you, as a child you are to be seen not heard, or no discipline, just do as I say not as I do. Some children are just born evil. Called the bad seed.
Most great great grandparents were hard on their children. They did not know any better. Life was very hard just to live back then. They had hard times. They did want they knew.
The true love is forgiveness. Keep your old you, and know every step in our lives was building our minds. To think, for the better,. Or the other, always trying to get even with people, seems very stupid, that's not true love.
Living is forgiving mean people they have a different father.. (evil)
Love them and just move on.
Knowing Lord Jesus Christ Loves us and we are on the winning side in this afterlife. This is up to each person we can not change the past, but we can pray to Father God for repentance and forgiveness and help with healing and love for people. Treat others the way you would want to be treated.
The only way is understanding not everyone knows true love. Only some parents knew feeding, clothing, and shelter was love. No hugs, no saying I love you, as a child you are to be seen not heard, or no discipline, just do as I say not as I do. Some children are just born evil. Called the bad seed.
Most great great grandparents were hard on their children. They did not know any better. Life was very hard just to live back then. They had hard times. They did want they knew.
The true love is forgiveness. Keep your old you, and know every step in our lives was building our minds. To think, for the better,. Or the other, always trying to get even with people, seems very stupid, that's not true love.
Living is forgiving mean people they have a different father.. (evil)
Love them and just move on.
Knowing Lord Jesus Christ Loves us and we are on the winning side in this afterlife. This is up to each person we can not change the past, but we can pray to Father God for repentance and forgiveness and help with healing and love for people. Treat others the way you would want to be treated.
The only way is understanding not everyone knows true love. Only some parents knew feeding, clothing, and shelter was love. No hugs, no saying I love you, as a child you are to be seen not heard, or no discipline, just do as I say not as I do. Some children are just born evil. Called the bad seed.
Most great great grandparents were hard on their children. They did not know any better. Life was very hard just to live back then. They had hard times. They did want they knew.
The true love is forgiveness. Keep your old you, and know every step in our lives was building our minds. To think, for the better,. Or the other, always trying to get even with people, seems very stupid, that's not true love.
Living is forgiving mean people they have a different father.. (evil)
Love them and just move on.
Knowing Lord Jesus Christ Loves us and we are on the winning side in this afterlife. This is up to each person we can not change the past, but we can pray to Father God for repentance and forgiveness and help with healing and love for people. Treat others the way you would want to be treated.
i hear you. To even discover that we have a personhood to do better by, that we have a right to strenght, independence and all that, it's an entire process. In codependency, healthy things that people often see as benefits, we perceive as danger. It's tough.
Oh man.. this is so good, and so painful.. God help me!
21:34 😮 woah- exactly how it is . My father is a narcissist- it’s taken a lot of therapy and self help to see how codependent- I used to be and I can see I still have some work left to do 🫶🏼💛🫶🏼☀️ TYSM for explaining Tim - very helpful 📚📖👍🧘♀️
I think this really was well done...as a PTDS survivor I think one the hardest thing I consistently have to do is to RE-shape my view of God. Spiritual abuse causes you to literally "hear " the abuser whenever you think of God. Thank you for this video
This video brought me to tears, literally like hearing my life story narrated by someone else. I’m ready to start making a change, admit that I am a codependent and take charge of my life. I deserve happiness. The dance of wounded souls… so true.
You are brave. I had the same experience. May we find the life God truly designed for us.
Same here❤
16:07 Before i found out about Codependency I would go from Job to Job seeking to feel good about myself. One job would make me feel good about myself for about 3-6 months, then it wore off and I would quit and go to another job to make me feel good. Its exhausting.
Better from job to job than relationship to relationship. At least you're making money 💰
I have studied codependency and listened numerous codependency lectures. This is by far the best lecture I have heard. Nailing it in every aspect. Thank you for sharing your knowledge! I look forward to listening to the rest of the series.
He speaks truth and so easy to follow, he descibed my whole life and marriage as a co-dependent wife EXACTLY.
5:57
“The reason my parents fight all the time is because of me.”
That is the conclusion I came to as a kid.
Thank you for sharing. This is eye opening.
I just went through 8 years of this... just had another guy try to pull me into it. I'm learning to set boundaries now. Life is hard lol
I have watch many videos on codependency and i must say that tim explains these dynamics like no other video ive ever seen. I do agree that one must understand complex trauma to understand codepentcy. Thanks so much tim and finding freedom.
yes, CPTSD is the root , codepency issymptom
The sayings “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” and “Happy wife, happy life” read with daddy and husband in my family. Both the growing up family and married family.
I just realized my brother will never change.
I always skip the religious parts of Tim's videos, but wow, his insights on trauma and mental health have helped me so much with my own mental health journey. It's amazing how a lot of the things he says describes me and my past so accurately, I'd almost think he knew me personally. It's definitely giving me a new perspective on how to deal with mental and emotional issues.
Many of these codependent people are highly accomplished and hide behind their success! It’s the veneer that they cannot drop. This video is phenomenal.
I found this video right when I needed to hear it! My father has been trying desperately to hook me back into his codependency lately...I gave him some support and now he wants to basically unravel all of the work I've done in therapy over the years by insisting on more time with me. I found it incredibly difficult to be able to set a boundary with him because he's very fragile, needy, reactive, etc. Everything about him has been triggering my nervous system. Even the way he wrote his text: "Would it be too much to ask that we have a conversation? Sooner than later?" It has taken every ounce of my strength to keep myself from lashing out and screaming at him. I know how wounded he is but I can't fix it, and I can't have him expect me to step in and agree to get emotionally dumped on. I want to rationally explain to him how I see the situation but that would never fly. He's never taken responsibility and I would be delusional to imagine a future where he apologizes to me and to everyone else around him. I basically just have to watch him crash and burn. It's hard to watch, especially because of my old tendency to rush in and take care of others (without ever realizing that I had needs or what they were).
My mom isn't that emotionally stable and I worry about her because she's 75, etc. But Ive learned one of the best things I can do to help her is help myself. I am not that emotionally stable all the time myself. Another things, and this may different then your dad, it might be better for you to see him less, but to see her on a more scheduled visits so I can prepare a little before. Take care of yourself. Love. blessings.
I hear you! Mine is my mother. I realized it 10 years ago and it was like a switch flipped, seen her clear as day.
Blocked her put of my life and started to learn to back away from being the family fixer. Whew...
This man is explains everything. Hes a genious
I feel as if you’ve described every inch of detail of my life from Birth till now. I will continue to watch your videos as I find your version of codependency very close to what I’ve gone through.
Same. 🤮. The answer lies within you! That’s a good news. As a child you had no choice it was done to you. Made you feel less then and made you live with shame. you were ALWAYS good enough and worthy enough!!!! It was the people around you that made you believe that you weren’t. Tim’s videos and explanations are extraordinary. As series on shame especially at home for me.... I wish you well on your journey my friend.a beautiful life Awaits you! you deserve it you’re on the right path.
wow same here !!!!!
@@mariareyes7573 physically alive soul dead that's my biography lol
Me too...
Easy does it.
I think being raised this way is one of the biggest reasons why many people are leaving the church. It’s mist understanding of the nature of God.
Part 1/10!? This man really stood and talked about Codependency and Complex Trauma for TEN HOURS.
Nope it soon turns to religious preaching :(
No one is responsible for anyone's happiness but themselves, they are the only person who can make the choice to let themselves be happy or not, no one else can do that.
I was raised in a church, bullied by other children in that church, browbeaten by adults and told by the senior pastor that my mother (who was in the hospital for cancer) was not important enough in the church for him to pray for. I have joined and left almost every denomination of christian religion except mormons, 7th day adventists and penticostal church and always got the same response. I am not one of "them" so i am not worth their time. I believe in a higher power....that belief has never let me down
Tosca: I have similar feelings from priests, but it may also be that my situation and need is harder and more demanding than most, and frightening as well. But do you mean, that you weren't considered one of them despite joining their church? I though today's churches were pleased for everyone joining, since so many have left the church(es).I agree w you, but when unable to self-love as an adult, co-dependent child, because we never learnt to and experienced it, it can't be brought forth just by demand or wish.One needs warmth, compassion, some encouragement and interest if the wounds are complex, many, deep and long-term.
I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me. Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.
John 17:15-26 KJV
bible.com/bible/1/jhn.17.15-26.KJV
Jesus loves you, so much.
I was not raised in church. I wasnt accepted into religion. Religion told me I was too broken to be accepted, when I found spirituality is the personal relationship with God. No one is too damaged or too broken to be loved by God.
Thank-you so much for this insight. Most of us may not have experienced big T trauma but cumulative small t traumas. Most of us were also raised by codependent partners who stuck together just to maintain a certain image that depended on the relationship, invariably affecting the children.
I've been coming to the realization that I have codependent tendencies, but this video shook me like nothing before. I'm ready to see and grieve that I was never allowed to be a person.
I also can't get over the fact there is a guy out there who is a Christian and talks eloquently about complex trauma.
That's a lot for one day.
I have so enjoyed your teaching!
As a survivor of Narcissist Family abuse, from my family of Organ as well as being married to a Covert Narcissist for 45 yrs, and his Narcissist Cult Family. Therapy has been a tremendous help. I am an Empath, raised mostly by a Christian Grandmother who loved the Lord and loved me, and nurtured me.
But living with a Narcissist mother, an alcoholic father still called emotional damage to me and my four siblings. My narc husband died in 2022, I have since moved away from his family to preserve my sanity. I am a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. I glorify Him everyday for walking through the Battle with me. To All who have been or coming out of a relationship with toxic people....trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding , but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Freedom in Christ!! Praise God!!
Thank you. I really resonate with that idea of rereading the Bible through the eyes of pain and seeing our loving God through the eyes of boundaries and Gods design.
Thank you from the bottom of my Heart! Mr Tim Fletcher!! ❤️ you have help me find a way to heal my children from a toxic codependent Marriage! and you have given me the Strength to seek a Partner I can love and trust in a healthy relationship! 👸🏾💕🙌🏾
Hi Tim, I thank you very much for this content. My ex boyfriend left me a week ago without explanation and has complex trauma. He literally blended in with me (without even realizing he was doing it). I couldn't help him and that destroys me. I'm not a narcissist, in fact, I've always worked on myself and the relationship (a lot). We both go to therapy. Despite what happened, I wish him the best and that he can really overcome that great fear of talking about things in a relationship
Thankyou so much nobody has ever explained or understood the situation do deeply ... why aren't you on primetime TV worldwide?...
But that's a different subject
The section from 18:51 I can relate to.
I am codependent; I am so afraid of conflict.
I am afraid of my husband’s anger; he has never been physically abusive.
I can relate to most of the CPTSD symptoms. I don’t understand why I am like this. My childhood was uneventful. My mother is loving and kind. She never raised her voice. My father was kinda withdrawn. I don’t remember any traumatic events. But I experienced childhood depression. It was bad in my teen years. I felt like if I committed suicide that it wouldn’t really matter To anyone.
Your childhood wasn't totally uneventful, maybe the one and only event was that they made you feel you we're nonexistent. That is probably the worst wound they could inflict on you as a child. You were ignored and neglected, that is abuse my dear. I hope you are doing well. You deserve enjoying your life. Your way.🙏🏻🌟
Maybe, our defense mecanism is stronger than us
Jesus loves you and you matter so much he shed his blood for you.💖
@@awaywithfairies4689That is definitely not the worst wounds a Parent can inflict in a Child ffs!!!! Are you serious????🙄🤦😮
@@LisaLisa-mx3hq you are no one to invalidate other people's experiences about being wounded. It's ridiculous, boring and disrespectful.
self-abandonment in compliance to abuse is not happiness.
you deserve to be happy. you deserve to be free.
I am 70 and jyst in within last month have I been so healed from all this. Having retail in small town, needing to please the customers.
I get it now, what they think is non of my business. No mire neasuring up after 30yrs.
Filled with unspeakable joy and peace.
I really love this!! The Christian part is especially exceptional!! ❤
Or the parents are silent, unless barking orders. The girls were taught to wait on everyone else & the boys were fed first. Sick
I W: And the boys become addicts and (ab)use women, which angers me when they then find out the are co-dependent. I want a term solely for proper co-dependents, who really give themselves up to help others at the expense of their own needs and fun, which men don't. Abusive, treacherous, selfish, exploitative men harming women shouldn't get (to adopt) the same diagnosis as helpful. Self-sacrificing, empathic, kind attentive women. Dying helping is female behaviour, it is an innate female bent which men don't have because men's bent is egoistic, competitive pursuit. Not saying men can't have the issue of C, but they don't get it as bad and lose their own life quality and time to it.
I'll listen to the whole video before settling this though, and possibly modify or change this.
@@Medietos you have no idea what you're fucking talking about. There's just as many co dependent men as there are women. Quit talking out of your ass
@@Medietos You sound like a narcissist who thinks you’re a codependent.. there are soo many codependent men, narcissist women toying them around. So stop you crap educate before you comment. Just like people thought majority of men are narcissists guess what, in new DSM the number states 50/50. And the advantage female narcissists has is that they’re not seen as narcissists, majority of them are covert in their ways very sneaky.
@@Medietos a
Not In my fam. Boys beaten girls princess treatment.
You rock. I’m 55, a woman of color thinking it’s too late to unravel the relationship Im in. And to put distance with what’s left of my family. Im hopeful to live alone. Brava to you:
Word for Word, 30 years of my life explained. It’s incredible. I appreciate the clarity, the directness about what this is. Now I can see it clearly 😢
Very good material. I write and educate on this very topic.
Thank you for weighing in on this material.
I have watched your videos as well, and they are very helpful.
My thoughts are that seeing the material from different perspectives is helpful. The disease is insidious, and Truth becomes more clear when hearing it from a perspective that resonates with your experience. Therefore taking from different resources increases your chances of finding recovery.
dunno if you guys gives a damn but if you are stoned like me during the covid times you can stream pretty much all the latest series on instaflixxer. I've been streaming with my brother lately :)
@Finnley Dorian definitely, I have been using instaflixxer for since december myself :)
I watch your stuff too Ross!! You rock!
Yes you do Ross Rosenberg! And you do it very well too.
I cried the entire video. Thank you for this word 🙌🏾
Wow, this really does go deep. Narcissistic/NPD parents are so damaging, but so can normal parents be damaging-because we all have narcissistic traits. Adults get together and bring their childhoods with them.. sometimes, two narcissists attract each other and they create a lot of damage together. Then there’s the empathic person who is a slave to the narcissist, this is my father In-law - he is married to a lower mid range narcissist and she is terrible, but he enables her nasty behavior, so In effect, he is also very damaging. Stay healthy & keep learning/healing! Thank you so much for this really great message!
we area raised by people who have no, none, no empathy. They are there, not there. Now i know I am God's favorite and God loves me a lot.
Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism is draining and made me feel crazy
Yes! I have pages of journaling that document exactly these feelings. I agree that it does. But now I believe this reaction though uncomfortable is a sign of health!