Codependent Mother and Daughter Role-Play 2022
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 มิ.ย. 2024
- Other codependent mother role-play I mentioned:
• Codependent Mother - R...
7 Types of Toxic Families:
• My 7 Types Of Toxic Fa...
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:58 Connect With Me
3:38 Role-Play Briefing
4:43 Codependent Mother and Daughter
9:44 Healthy Mother
13:21 Empowered Daughter
17:01 Role-Play Recap
18:48 Final Thoughts
21:56 Outro
In this video we cover: enmeshment, boundaries, recovery, therapy session, consistency, roleplay, fyp, tools, hacks, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, codependency, healthy parenting, parenting
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
This is me and my mother - except every phone call starts with me listening to my mother talk about her life/emotions for the first 15-20 min. I’ve been the caretaker in the relationship since I was born.
Yes!! She may throw in a question about me and my life for a second but it is usually always a segue into her own drama. I usually don’t get a word in at all. I’ll throw her on speaker and continue on with my chores or whatever I was doing.
Oh. My. God. I actually can't believe how much I can relate to these comments right now...😭😭
It’s exactly the same for me. I can’t believe it.😔
Same
So much drama. I realize now that I'm codependent on her too
I thought the “healthy mother” role play might be someone who is perfect in every way. But it was someone who was imperfect, but growing, trying, apologizing, communicating needs, and in therapy. So comforting! That I could be!
And the empowered daughter calling her mom manipulative. I was expecting her to be “perfect” too, but she’s not. And that’s really refreshing.
that is he beauty of learning, right. When you make assumptions that will sabotage you in the long run, especially when it comes to dating. A healthy person is a responsible person. What does responsibility mean to you?
So helpful thank you 😊
Same here Amber. I am very proud of the healthy mom character he played! So glad the healthy mom was someone looking to improve.
Your kids don't need you to be perfect. They just need you to be self aware
I never realized I had an enmeshed relationship till I went to rehab for some pretty serious life-altering things, my mom was crying on the phone and I was the one comforting her through the situation. My counselor was like, don’t you think she should be the one supporting you during this time? 🤯
Story of my life! My mom would hurt my feelings and get me to cry and then she would cry and express guilt so I feel inclined to comfort her, essentially abandoning my own emotional needs
So sorry you went through this. Had a similar situation where a VERY close best friend of mine passed away, I mentioned it to my mom and she acted as if it was no big deal. She even pestered me for days about when the funeral was going to be (literally only thing she said about the situation) and after telling her I didn't know as it just happened, she snapped back saying "well you don't have to go anyways, do you?"🤦♀️ ...no sign of comfort, not even remotely..
Omfg, my mom did the same thing after I got hit by a car and was hospitalized for a month! When she was there, it was all about her feelings and HEAVEN FORBID I have and react to difficult feelings around her.
I just realized it in this video 😢
OH MY GOD this is my mother! I stopped telling her about the things I was going through because it became this wailing session about how worried she was about her daughter. I think she saw it as her being such a good mother for "caring" so much about my problems by being so emotionally affected by them. My needs get completely lost in her sauce lol. I feel you homie
“during the divorce I would run to you and you were only 12” I FELT THAT
Same.
😢me too
same, only much younger.
My mother told my older brother that he was the man of the house now when he was 6
So felt. My mom asked me to help her choose which man to pick between two she was seeing. I was 9.
Today, my Mother literally said,” I don’t understand why you need any boundaries
. Boundaries make me feel rejected.” 🤦🏻♀️
Wow that’s awful! I hate dictator style parenting.
😂 she’s not in the driver’s seat or in control anymore! Love your boundaries!
Run far away
Her feelings are not your responsibility. Stand your ground.
"Boundaries make me feel rejected" that's the point of boundaries... You are rejected from places you don't belong to
I understand parentification, but what is it when a parent keeps you childlike by not letting you grow up because they need you to need them
Oedipus complex?
Infantilization. My mother was an extreme case.
@@mangothejumpingspider7638 No that's different from infantilization.
@@BernadetteA Yup it's really sad and the future partners and children of these infantaslised people are the ones that suffer
Yes! My mom switched from parentification when I was a child to infantilization now that I’m an adult. Like, at what point are you going to treat me as a separate human being apart from your own needs?
Perfect, I love how the unhealthy mom is saying "Things are better ANDY is in counselling" and the heathy mom says "Things are better I am in counselling".
I’m currently in my empowered daughter stage and although I’m proud of myself for the progress I’ve made, I also feel extremely guilty and shameful when I “go against” my mom and I’ve been guilt tripped with the “what happened to us” talk. It’s so exhausting
Yes! Same here. She acts like I'm changing and becoming different lol
@@sharpfamily4938 literally! It’s so exhausting. I just want her to stop guilt tripping me
I feel this soooo much! The guilt when I "go against" my mom and see through her guilt tripping is very real. I'm waiting on the "what happened to us" talk directly because she has already complained about that to my dad.
@@sharpfamily4938well u are, but then again it's for your own best interest so keep at it. U got this
Mine is QAnon and thinks I am naive. I can't.
The empowered daughter situation hit hard. A lot of children are fostered into a mental space where “empowerment” is synonymous with “disrespect”- and has consequences. My mother and I still have a strained relationship after an “empowerment move”. There’s sometimes a level of victimization that parents take on that’s almost impossible to break down. But I really appreciated these three scenarios and that the responsibility of a healthy relationship is a two way street
You took the words right out of my mouth! This was so powerful to watch.
omg this is what i am experiencing for years its so annoying when you are twenty one and your parent is being “disrespected” because im making my own decisions
@@laureldreams You're 21 and already so wise :) All the best to you.
@@laureldreams wow, I feel validated.
I can really see what you're saying. In my specific case, I happened to have conversations with my grandma about my mother and our relationship. My grandma will usually say something among the lines of "She has had a difficult life, be patient with her, don't make her worry" i feel like my mother's victim-like behavior has been enabled by my grandmother as well. She's a very sweet and loving person and probably doesn't realize she's doing more harm than good.
Another example. My mother happens to have stomach problems from time to time and me and my little brother are required to assist her. We're not actually doing much, but we have to stay at home and suspend our other activities
“Do you find yourself being nosy?” Yes dammit 😭 I want to know what Andy said in February!!!
this cracked me up
Hahahaha
lmaooo
Mary Lou, you are funny, luv ya. I have a connection to you, dont worry, I live in Australia. My name is Sherie, but Mary lou was the name I adopted when I wasn't Sherie. Hugs to you my dear(friend)
🤣
"Google it! Don't ask me to teach you to be a better mom!"
Wow this blew me away.
Yes, I've been doing this with my ex, constantly teaching him and he was waiting for me to give him insight.
Yep, that's a pet peeve of mine. Especially considering my mother would place blame on ME when I would ask her as a child for help with school work. If I was tasked with a project that required parent involvement, I was met with hostility and put between a rock and a hard place because my mother REFUSED to take part and would go so far as to say "tell your teacher to take a fat suck of my ass!". Like.... Great ma, you're an insufferable cunt, but I still need to do my project. No? No help? Ok, guess I'll figure it out by myself.....
Fast forward to now, and my mother will ask me how to do things. If I were empowered, I'd tell her to figure it out herself because I had to figure out life by myself... But I'm not.... Not yet... I have a feeling this will be a no-contact ending..... :(
I don't know how to relate to others without being a helper . . . this is eye opening
I understand! I was the same until a couple years ago. I am now very selective as to who I help. I had to catch myself wanting to help others all the time and got taken advantage of all the time. Now I just offer my services and I don’t feel guilty.
Same
Near impossible for me to ask for help, but am usually quick to offer it. Working on it !
I'm the fixer at home and at the office.
@@avalerie4467 Same. I never ask for help because the response I would get from parents was either accusatory, insulting, guilt-tripping etc... "Hey mom, I have this project from school I have to do" would be immediately met with "Oh yeah? Well you can tell your teacher to take a fat suck of my ass". Or even worse "Pffff, I don't know a damn thing about that, what are you asking ME for?" I learned at an early age that if I didn't know something or couldn't figure something out, I only had myself to rely on. Or how dare a child ask his mother politely if she could get him a drink while she herself is getting one out of the fridge. The response I'd get was "Get up off your ass and get it yourself!" That one stuck with me all life, because she would regularly ask me to get her things even when it was less convenient for me than it was for her. And I'm not talking about someone who has an accident and isn't mobile, so they need some extra help. She's perfectly mobile and well enough to do everything on her own. She's just lazy and selfish.
When the Healthy Mother script rolled, I burst into tears. I've been waiting to hear this from my own mother for 40 years.
Same here. I teared up.
same here... deep longing
I wish
It made me so sad, knowing I'll never have this type of conversation with my mom. We have to mourn a relationship with someone who isn't even dead. :\
@@practicaldreamyr it’s true it’s weird to say but it feels like getting dumped by a shitty partner but ...it’s your own mom. It’s been almost 2 months that I went no contact and I still feel so many emotions daily 🥺
I grew up thinking all my friends didn't have as close relationships with their moms as I did, even though my mom and I had so many other issues. Now I realize we just didn't have any boundaries and it was another symptom of our poor relationship. Sigh.
@Wendy Larson lmaoo starting to realise that now but with my father. We have 0 bounderies. Not in a creepy physical way but everything expect for that.
Preach it sister! I’m right there with you.
Elizabeth you couldn't' have said it any better. 🎯
I remember my mom told me her best friend told her that there was nothing her daughter could do that would surprise her. I guess because they were so similar / close / in sync? And that she (my mom) couldn’t relate with me. She said this like it was a disappointment… that I’m my own person and took my own path? Am I missing something? Why would you even expect to be able predict everything your daughter ever did? We’re two different people. And that’s healthy.
YES!
"I feel more like you're my sister than my daughter." Something my mother said to me when I was in highschool. I thought it was super cool that we were so close at the time. Then I married a man who had very healthy boundaries (not sure how I scored that one. But thank God for that man.🥰) and he opened my eyes to the total lack of boundaries between me and my mom. Mom and I are making progress. I don't know if she completely understands the boundaries I set, (like quit telling me about your relationship problems with my father. I don't want to know!) but she does make an effort to respect them. So I'm grateful for that.
Wow. This really Helps me understand why I used to feel so repulsed when a stranger would say my mom and i looked like sisters
This has helped me a lot. Thanks for sharing 👍🏽
My mom is the same way - she’s always venting to me about my dad. I’m like get a therapist!
@@kaleyjoplinRAWRR ya. Or at least a friend.
Literally same exact situation, except my mom still tells me after years of repeatedly telling her to stop 🫠 then expects me to go on like I don’t know any of that info when I interact with her shitty boyfriend. Just recently went no contact, very hard but I feel better in my own space/head at least.
Just one genuine "healthy mom" conversation would mean the world to me.
I waited for it my whole life, i have lost hope now that I am in my 30s.
Have it yourself. Else it may be a sorry waiting for Godot
I promised myself I'm not waiting for any people to grow up or be a good friend.
Waiting is awaiting. And that is damaging relationships as well. I just pull back, continue to love them, but see to care for myself. After all, I'm an adult and I need no validation of my patterns to have a cause and acknowledgement by others, least and most unlikely by the one unhealthily having a share in it.
Codependent moms ALWAYS want you to fix their problems, even when they pretend they want to get better.
They don't want anything fixed. They prize their victim position. Fixing will topple them from their Victim Throne.
@@Cekatu Exactly, we always said my mom had a martyr complex. And whenever you offer possible solutions they shoot each and every one down immediately.
This is true. How do you show you care about your mother and still refuse to listen to the pressure to fix their problems?
Yeah my mum always want my opinion on literally everything up until I disagree with her. Every conversation ends up being about her, but she sometimes says that I shouldn't have to hear her problems all the time, which feels hopeful but also makes me feel guilty as if I'm not there for her as much as I should. I love her but I'm getting tired and sad bc she won't do anything about it
@@skdjirrrdjdm3926 or make you out to be the problem for trying to help
Not gonna lie. The empowered daughter example is making me feel uncomfortable. I lowkey can hear my internal voice saying, "Don't say that! That's disrespectful. That's too mean." My mother is dead and I still find myself carrying this dynamic over into other relationships. I am so the caretaker/problem fixer. I tend to offer help and/or advice even when I'm not asked. Thank God I am surrounded by people who insist that I talk to them and let them be there for me. They've really helped me be vulnerable and stop helping all of the time.
The other mother/daughter role play by PT shocked me, too. Stuff like “I’m sick of the way you make excuses for him!”. But I bet the person she makes excuses for speaks to her far more harshly. It’s deep.
Yeah, I felt those same emotions. I can remember so many conversations with my Mom, who is also deceased, and was truly horrified by what she was telling me, but I just couldn't say a thing other than listen. Often crying and praying after a conversation. I did stand up for myself and say no I can't do that towards the end of her life and was punished for it with harsh words, "I'll know better than to ask you to do anything for me again". I don't regret being honest with her. I just wish it wasn't our last face to face interaction before she passed away.
Same on every single front. My mom has been gone 6 years and I feel exactly the same. Damn.
@@coleengoodell7523 oh bless u 💐❤️my mum has heart problems and it feels so horrible and im frightened that i need to just give in and let her b.. I am being selfish and yet i feel broken... Blessings xxx
@@coleengoodell7523 You did the right thing. It seems to be common that when you finally lay a boundary, one that is new especially- people really don’t like it and youre the bad guy for awhile. I’m sorry to hear your mom has passed before you had time for her to understand and respect it. I want to say it again though- you did the right thing. If mom didnt understand your heart back then, i want to believe she knows and understands better than she ever could now.💫💫💫💖
I'm a clinical social worker and I LOVE this and your vibe. You have a gift and you have a great sense of humor without being insensitive. I freaking love it. I'm going to tell my students about your channel. Cheers from Cleveland!!!
Wow, thank you!
I could never really come up with a reason for my tendency to over-share and feel an immediate need for deep connection until this video. It makes me feel so good to finally find a probable answer as to why. After therapy, I noticed that I over-share, I thought I was just an open book. I catch myself now and just want to be more present with people, which is a good sign of growth for me. :)
Same, I just had an epiphany!
Same! What has been helping you? How did this video relate to the oversharing you mentioned?
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here: is “over sharing” even real or is it just a construct that the psychiatric community came up with? I’ve really never understood what is wrong with laying it all bare for someone. Even if you’re not that close of friends, who cares? What is wrong with wanting a deep connection immediately with someone? To me it’s just another way that psychiatry wants to control society and turn what’s just a natural personality trait into something pathological.
@@kconrad5893 i mean the way i see it is that there is a time and a place for laying it all bare, u know? i don't think there's anything wrong w wanting to feel a deep connection with others, however i think there's the risk of coming on too strong if u overshare from the jump.
@@meghansullivan6812 That’s my point-this “coming on too strong” business. I don’t understand why most people initially can’t tolerate anything more than surface level drivel. Actually I think most people don’t EVER tolerate more than that. I’ve never understood why revealing a lot about oneself is so off-putting to people. To each his own I guess.
Witnessing the mom say "what happened to you? We used get along so well and laugh and share together" when the daughter stood up for herself in the "empowered" version really hit me. My mom said this exact same thing to me when I started exercising boundaries. It absolutely crushed me at the time and was a huge trigger. Thank you for all the educational info you are spreading!
My mom says this to me… and has gotten my Dad in on the act. It’s so ugly and frustrating.
@@beemayhemful I totally understand. Sending very positive vibes your way
Yes because it was triggering indeed. It seems completely cold and dehumanizing to treat a person that way, especially your mom. I mean who do you think you are to judge so harshly, Mrs always right?that's not true empowerment. Even if you have different opinions you should always be there for the other person. I do not agree to this information in all extent.
Bruh fucjin same
I felt a jab when both said their lines.
"Respectfully doesn't mean anything" is so validating. I had toxic family members that were so gifted at using the right words while they were actively doing the opposite of what the word, like respectfully, implied. It was crazy making.
The definition of gaslighting!
Hot damn this is my mother. I've had to tell her multiple times I'm not her therapist, and then by the end of the conversation she's telling me about her problems with my father, it's bananas. This is literally opening my eyes to how effed up my relationship with her and my Dad are! Thank you for this 💜
Me too
Years ago I had to begin setting boundaries re: my mom’s over sharing about my dad’s and her’s relationship. After being out of the house in my 20’s and 30’s, she would go so far to ask me if I could give my dad a call and ask him to do X, Y, or Z (for her). Many times I would be set up to suffer his wrath if I followed through w/ my mom’s wishes.
As a mother myself, I realized that I was venting to my children about my own discontentments w/ their father (repeating the cycle). I stopped doing that, thanks to a therapist’s enlightenment.
It’s great that you you are aware of what is going on. You will be less likely to continue these unhealthy behaviors if you have children.
Much love sent your way. 🙌🏻
@@chip4003 Isn't it amazing how helpful therapy can be. I wish my mom could be as with it as you've been, your kids are lucky to have you 💜
My childhood was that. My dad is emotionally neglectful. My mum struggled with friends and now I do too.
I've always been the empowered daughter. My narcissistic mother thought I was dramatic. Then those conversations would lead to screaming at me and talking over me. Finally, I knew we would never have a healthy relationship.
Wow, same. Thank you for sharing this.
Me as well. Sadly, I got tired of her games and became a lot quieter because the fighting always drained me… 😔 she’ll never apologize or say she was wrong, or treat me like I’m an individual, not her possession. My “feistiness” has toned down so much, i’m working on trying to get back that strength I had when dealing with her. I hate to say it but she wore me down 😔 in that time, I tried to find peace within myself, but it the dysfunction changed me. I feel so on edge whenever I have to deal with her
“Get a dog or a friend or a therapist”. Wonderful. My mother insisted I invite my step-father to my wedding, even tho he was my abuser. She manipulated me and she guilted me about her being at the wedding alone, and how that would “look”. I let her and he was there. It’s taken me years, and your channel has helped me so much, but I am now no contact with my narcissistic/borderline/codependent mother. I feel free. Thank you for what you do, you are so helpful!!
💕 I am so glad you got out.
I am sorry this happened to you. The things they can get people to do is just nuts. Thank you for sharing your story.
I dont know you, but i am so over joyed for you, my love!
May you walk in the law of love.
Thank you 😍 when i could finally name what she was doing, all those many many many years, the power was mine again! I took it back!! The decision to go no contact has relieved my constant anxiety and sleeplessness over what I could never control. It is slowing disappearing day by day. I think the role playing videos Patrick does are his most powerful.
So inconsiderate of your big and special day!!! Outrageously selfish!
Oh god how I can understand you completely. The body is 15, and we have dissociative identity disorder. Our brother abused us and caused the identity split. We are frightened to be with anyone because of it.
To make matters worse, our mother's (ex) fiance did the same thing to us again but for 3 years. All of our trauma roots from her.
We don't want anything to do with her new boyfriends and when/if we ever get married, she will *barely* be allowed.
We are just terrified of anything to happen again.
-Xiao
I wasn't expecting to feel so emotional watching the "healthy mother" role play. I can't imagine having a mother so self-aware and willing to change and grow. Wow.
Me too. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I had an emotionally stable mother.
Same here. I cried and imagined a world where my mom was sitting in front of me saying those words I always wished she’d say to me even as a little girl.. Now all I can do is imagine myself as a mother and how I’m going to make sure to never do that to my children
Same here. Watching all the "healthy parent" role plays always gets me because it's the opposite of what I had.
do healthy mothers like this ever exist?
@@tl5404 it depends on what we do now with the life we have left. I'm the mother I didn't have.
what I learned from this, is that I've been the empowered daughter all this time and always thought I was being terrible... thank you for showing me I really have always been self aware and fighting for myself
Same!
Omg yes. I’ve been made to feel like a bad daughter for not being my mommies little confidant since I asked her to stop in my early 20s. I spent a year travelling at 19 and think that’s what helped me understand how inappropriate she was when I needed a mother, and how inappropriate she still is in my adult life despite my boundaries. I’m locked in the empowered daughter and long for the healthy mother. I hope you feel better more and more with your own insight.
Yes. A thousand times yes.
Same here. The "You don't have to be so mean" reply from the mother was like, whoa. My mother says that to me, and I then feel like the asshole. I've always felt so disempowered with her, but this made me realize that I AM empowered to a degree. But I still struggle with allll the things he spoke about, as far as relating to others.
Well... I'm taking notes on the 'Empowered daughter'. Thank you for showcasing the 'Mom gives me a choice, but saying 'no' makes me a jerk.' scenario. I have the hardest times with this and it makes me feel like a horrible daughter when I have to set a boundary.
Wow - the healthy mother part BLEW ME AWAY. I could never have imagined such words coming from a parent. Thank you for opening this window of possibility!!
The over sharing is so gross feeling! My narc mom did this to me and my counselor called it emotional incest! I always try to keep healthy boundaries with my kids and it’s for both of our well being!
Same I thinking the term emotional incest is accurate
I definitely recognise my mother’s done this this video helps to name the things why I’m dissolving the connection with her apparently altogether
Goodness! I didn't realise there was a term for it!!😮 The woman who birthed me does this, and she expects my siblings to do the same..: tell her details about their sex lives, which they usually do happily because they've been brainwashed to believe that that's what close families do, and they're being disloyal if they don't. If they do ever get a bit "weirded out" by something she divulged about their father when it comes to being intimate, and they express it, she just calls them "weird". I'm the youngest and the only one that's been able to see how dysfunctional things were from a young age..; they treat her like she's some sort of god, and they also baby her, which drives me absolutely crazy!!😡
I just found out that my mom & I are both codependent on each other. She's always bragged that I wasn't just her daughter, I was her only friend. My medical issues caused some of this, as I had to be dependent on her for years, but now I'm learning she has no idea what boundaries are. I finally broke down in tears & asked my grandparents what was wrong with me. They pointed out that I was her friend, her therapist, her pastor, her emotional spouse, etc, everything but daughter. I told her that, & that I could be her daughter & to some degree a friend, but the rest had to change. She didn't fully understand. I'm really struggling, though, cause she's really sick & in the worst place she's ever been, & I feel like I'm abandoning her to it. (Someone even told me I was a terrible person for doing so; I should be serving her & not thinking so much about myself.) I am too quick to open up, too slow to see BS, & I've always wanted to help fix people. Mom's problem is that she loves to help people but doesn't know how to do it with healthy boundaries.
Sending you love. You're in a tough spot, but I hope you find the courage to live for you a little bit more each day 🧡
I pray your mom gets better so you two can start having a healthier relationship.
My mom constantly told me that cuz she’s my mother that we can’t be friends. But that I’m the child (I’m 33!!) and she’s the mother and I have to obey and respect her and take her abuse. NO!
Her being sick and needing help is not an excuse to step over your boundaries. Decide what you will and won't do for her. Suggest she talk with a pastor or adult friend for things you won't handle. Explain over and over that she can't rely on you for everything. This is hard work, but keep at it.
@SMF Mashups What you really want to say is "a grown adult handles conflicts and issues themselves by contacting the person to discuss it face to face. They don't ask someone to be a go between." I applaud your boundary making. Mom! Talk to them YOURSELF! I have my own shit to do!
After reading “Adult Children of emotionally Immature Parents” I approached my mother differently. I knew she was emotionally immature, she was a single mother for most of my life. It was like I was the parent, nagging my teenage daughter. I’m gay, I know trash guys but she chose them over me most of the time. After putting my boundaries up, explaining to her we’re not going to have the relationship her family expects a mother and son “should” be she needs to decide to either respect me as an individual or we won’t have a relationship. she chose me. She chose a relationship with me is better than none. The healthy mother conversation is so close to what we have. She tells me about her dating life, she’s making good choices and not letting bad men disrespect her. I couldn’t be prouder but there’s still progress to be made. I asked her if she’s using protection and she said “yes mijo, I have my heels in the car.” 😂. We can joke, laugh, and be honest and vulnerable with each other. Is it unconventional? Probably. But we’ve never been closer and her family stopped judging us and let’s us be happy. Boundaries, patience, and choosing each other worked, it got better for us. I hope anyone reading this gets some strength.
Great book, my husband and I read it too!
That's how my mom is too, but we still need to officially have that talk,bc it's like she's wants the head of household role to make her own crappy rules and loose boundaries...she wants to lead but doesn't want to to admit that she's not in a healthy position to lead so it's a constant battle still. Thank you for sharing your story, it's kind hope and actual guidance. It's coming down to the ultimatum part.
Thank you!
Any time I want to be close to someone I dump on them. I'm terrible with oversharing and I think it's a big reason why I don't have friends despite wanting them. It's like I can't stop the trauma train. I say one thing and the rest flows out
Don't beat yourself up. Just be aware of it happening and stop yourself. Besides reliving trauma, it's not good for you. If you seek someone to listen, consider counseling.
I never share, hate to he vulnerable.
Omfg that’s me! I’ve convinced myself I throw it all at once to see whose gonna stick around🤦🏼♂️
I feel you girl
Can relate. I can usually stop myself but forget it if vodka, red wine, or margaritas are also invited 🤦🏻♀️
My mom gets angry and makes me seem like I'm a selfish person when I don't want to be her emotional garbage can. It makes me not want to pick up the phone when she calls.
I started not answering my moms phone calls… I feel you.
Yes my mom told me I was vicious because I told her the truth ( a now empowered daughter here )
Yes!!!!!
Wear that badge of honor "I'm selfish"
Every time she tells me that, I hear it as: "you are not a doormat like me. I'm jealous of you because I can't be like you"
Yeah, keeping distance to toxic ppl is the best way to protect yourself.
Thats the one lifelesson my Mom taught me, by being that toxic person i had to distant myself from :(
That's SO hard. I feel ya. But i think there's no other way.
Listening to the healthy mother made me very emotional, i didn’t realize i was wanting to hear those words so badly from my own “teenage” mother. I never will, but even hearing it out loud in this video is healing. I have been no contact with my toxic mother for a year and I appreciate the support these videos give. Thank you.
I had the same response. Oh how I would love to have this kind of conversation with my mother, but like you I know it will never happen. 😢
This has been me and my mother for my whole life - talking to me about her sex life with my dad & venting about their relationship. Made me really hold a lot of anger towards my dad because I was too young to understand initially. Now I still suck at boundaries so I just cut her out for months at a time. These videos are really helpful, thank you for making them.
"I'm not gonna teach you how to be a better mom!" oh, my god. So THAT'S why it bothers me so much when she asks me "how do I communicate better with you?". She asks me for advice on how to talk to me and it's always driven me CRAZY but I didn't exactly know why. This whole video is illuminating. Thank you for doing this work.
Or she could be just trying to get some insight into your communicating style/preferences? I could be way off though.
@@amyb7823 I think a mother who genuinely wanted to communicate would not put the onus for solving all of the communication problems solely on the daughter (while simultaneously ignoring everything the daughter just said about feeling caught in a guilt-trip).
There is a nasty implication here that the communication problem is the daughter's to solve, because it is her FAULT. (A self-help book will not provide insight into my communication style/preferences - listening to me will.)
It feels gross when someone does this to you. And, it can be very hard to recognize if you are accustomed to this kind of manipulation.
@@tiffanyowens3646 There are children/people, who are always pissed no matter how you talk to them. Communication is not a one-way-road. 😁
@@oOIIIMIIIOo If they are pissed every time they talk to you, maybe there is a reason for that and they don't even feel safe enough around you to tell you or bring up their problems with you. Maybe there has been an issue where they are chronically invalidated by you. You can't blame someone for not communicating if you aren't safe to communicate with.
@@tiffanyowens3646 To be fair, you're reading one message on TH-cam about the situation between this mother and daughter. You haven't heard the mother's side. None of us have any idea what is the problem, who's causing it or how to improve the situation. I was just making a suggestion. And responding to anyone in anger and frustration instead of communicating your needs and actually telling them what you need/want from them is not a good thing either.
my mom does the whole "telling me it's up to me but not really giving me a choice" thing that's present in this video, and i've tried to talk to her about that and other things (primarily related to boundaries not being respected) several times, and it always ends SO badly. i just found your channel yesterday and i'm SO grateful for this resource. thank you so much.
Hey!
It happened to me too.
I would have to cater to her unstable moods. The reward was "her time and attention",
which really was just 10% of me talking about what made me upset and her making it worse and 90% of her talking about her problems, her failing marriage, her resentment towards my sister and gossiping about her "friends".
Plus I had zero boundaries with her, both emotional, mental and physical, she wouldn't even let me use the toilet in peace for f*ck's sake lol😂😩.
When I confronted her she became nastier and nastier, it even got physical.
I am now no contact with her.
I'm telling you my story hoping you'll feel less alone.
I also hope you'll find the strength to stand up to her firmly and unequivocally, because I really struggled to do that and it only exacerbated things.
Don't be afraid to tell your truth, protect yourself, and go no contact if necessary!
Sending you lots of virtual hugs🤍🖤
@@rime.petrose Oh wow! Same! Mine would break the door down, just to tell me, I take to long showering or other things. Not even knocking or trying to get my attention. Than would proceed to body shame or scream at me
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii OMG I'm so sorry :'(( tbh, f*ck her!!
@@rime.petrose Thanks. Stories from others realy help to make sense to what happend to oneself and show that what happend realy wasn't normal for your parents to do. Like they always find ways to rationalise their behavior or make it your fault
@@rime.petrose I relate to your comment so much, thank you for sharing your story! I haven’t seen many people talking about physical boundaries not being respected and omg my mom does the same thing and it really pisses me off and upsets me. I’ve had so many conversations with her about it but she practically ignores me. She’ll come in my room even if it’s locked (I’m 19 almost 20), will come in the bathroom while I’m on the toilet or showering, she doesn’t give me privacy when changing, and she has a weird obsession with my boobs??? Idk that last one really makes me uncomfortable bc she’ll try and make me do things or try and show them off to our family. Idk she’s weird. Hope to go no contact with my parents soon, wish me luck! (And any advice haha)
I broke down crying during the healthy mom part… I wish my mother would acknowledge these dynamics in our relationship.
I didn’t know I needed to hear these things until now but I really did. Thank you.
Me too
I’m currently going through this. My mom and I are still very codependent on each other because it was only us for most of my childhood. It’s always felt like we were the only people who cared about each other. And even though we talk about setting boundaries with other people, we don’t know how to do that with each other. This hit home really hard.
This sounds just like my situation 🥺
This sounds like my situation too! I feel like being a single mother with limited social support facilitates co-dependency to happen with their child(ren). Processing this more and more now...so proud of everyone in the comments section for sharing their stories and owning their healing journeys!!
Same here. And it kinda makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries because it feels like you are abandoning your mom. In reality though, you were just trying to live your own life.
Hm I dont know. I think that just sounds like normal. If the only people you genuinely really had was each other, then of course you are going to be close and share things, because that is just human nature. Dont read too much into it. Honestly, doesnt sound like co dependency as much as it sounds like inevitable. Honestly.
Same here. But I got sick of being her punishing bag & having to run to her rescue when things go wrong in her relationship. I feel bad, I feel like I’m abandoning her but I just want to live my life & build my own family. I also want her to respect my boundaries & learn how to speak to me when she’s in a mad mood or things don’t go her way if not I can’t have a relationship with her, I decided to walk away. Now I feel guilty because I know she did everything in her power to keep me well but she isn’t emotionally Mature she had me young & her childhood isn’t the best & I know this so I can’t blame her, I love her & I wish I could heal her but I can’t she has to figure that out on her own she doesn’t listen & I just couldn’t do that toxic relationship anymore.
Thank you so much for including the "why are you so mean?" by the codependent mother in response to an empowered answer. Happens very often. I noticed that most of the time the codependent people see someone who had boundaries as "mean" but are totally blind and justify the behaviour of narcissistic people "he's just tired" "he's bragging cause he really is amazing at his job" etc. Great work and insights !!
You are so right I do notice this too. It's like the phrase bad things happen because of evil people and bad things happen because good people let evil people do bad things.
I had never noticed this before but damn you're SO right!!!
I had this experience recently.
So true!! As soon as I started setting boundaries I was “mean”, “difficult”, and “living in the past” AKA not blindly following their rules anymore.
Oof yes
Seeing the healthy mother is so weird.
I know, I used to feel super weird when I went to a friends house and their parents actually acknowledged me and my needs without me having to ask. ❤️ Sending hugs to you
The closest I've come to that is how I talk to my 3 year old alter when she's having difficulties coping with things. I'm my own parent now. 😔 At least we have each other.
😔
Right?? It makes me sad that "healthy" feels weird to me.
Yes,, and enlightening!
Blown away by the healthy mom response! It sounds so foreign. I tried to picture my mother saying this and I couldn’t even imagine those words coming out of her mouth. Whomever has this self-aware and apologetic mother is completely blessed 🙏🏼
I could never put my finger on what my relationship with my mom felt like. Omg thank you so much for this breakthrough. I am not my mother's friend. I'm her daughter. I'm not here to teach her, I'm here so she can teach me.
I have made excuses all my life for bad behavior. I became my mother's therapist and best friend at the age of 12. She started telling me about her marriage problems and adult situations that I should have never been involved in. Always complaining about my father and threatening to leave him constantly. I have codependency problems because of my toxic family system. My dad and sibling made me responsible for taking care of my mother's emotional health. I became a people pleaser. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. I don't want anymore unhealthy relationships. I am trying to heal from the emotional and physical abuse I endured. Your videos have helped me so much. I wish this information would have been available when I was young. Better late than never. Thank you do much!
Wow, if I didn't know better I'd think I wrote your comment, it so accurately describes my experience, with exception of cutting off all family of origin (in my case it's just some that are no longer contact).
I wouldn't be surprised were I to find we are related somehow (I have a cousin who did just what you describe)
Oh my god me too. I've been my mums therapist since I was a kid. It's partly my fault because I kept asking questions.
@@ellie-tk4jy Kids are curious so they always ask questions. Our parents had to make a choice too.
my mother’s therapist
Same, I also was told inappropriate things and made to be a mediator among family issues at a very young age. As an adult, I tried to seek answers and was refused. Now I don't know how to get away. I've ruined my whole life letting them make me think something is wrong with me. I'm financially trapped in a small town where my toxic family live and have even turned classmates away from me with lies only to keep me more isolated. In every relationship I've had, I end up ruining in one way or another just because I've always been what everyone wanted until all I knew to be normal was abuse. Even saying all of this is hard because along the way when I would try to tell them i was hurting, I would even be told things like "no one said life was easy" or "not everything is about you". Now I'm old, alone, and useless. I use to be so full of life. I use to believe in people.
I knew my Mom did this to me but I didn’t realize how much I had taken on those same negative traits and dished them out onto my own kids. I obviously have some healing and apologies to make.
My mom and I both read Boundaries. We had very different experiences. She had read it first and then I picked it up a couple years later. When I read it, I felt my eyes were being opened up and I needed boundaries with my family, especially with my mom. My mom happened to notice me reading it, and she remarked “oh, I could never do any of those things to your dad.” That was such a profound moment for me and I realized I needed to be free from my family. Cutting ties with people who don’t have boundaries is like trying to wrestle off an angry octopus. I’ve been free for 7 years and it made life so much more peaceful.
Insert after "Why are you so mean" a couple of sentences about the daughter being such a nice little kid helping her mom and wanting everyone to be happy and "where is this kid now, why have you become so cold hearted" and you get my conversations with my mother! Except that "the kid" never existed in the first place, i just hid all my feelings inside and was trying to be a smiley sunshine throughout all my childhood.
Ugh.
I was molested as a child by my mother's best friends boyfriend, who was my babysitter. When I try to talk to her about it, she actually says " I don't want to talk about that, it doesn't make me feel good about myself. "
But I HAVE to hear over and over about her terrible molestation by her brother.
Had surgeries 3x to repair the damage from my molester/ monster as child. Try to talk to my mom about it. Her response ; " It was NOT a surgery!!!! It was just a pap smear!!!! " I was 6 1st surgery.
7 2nd surgery and 9 the last one. I HAD to be put under because I was a child. Also had to douche with betadine and it was SOOOOO painful. I was ALWAYS in pain as a child.
My father was schizophrenic.
My mother is narcissistic.
I am a social worker/ behavioral health paraprofessional. Have been for 20 yrs. My mother CONSTANTLY tells me I'm CRAZY and narcissistic.😉
And YES, she says " Your SO MEAN!" all the time.❤
I'm good. Of course I know the truth.❤
💙👋
more power to you!!!!!
Sending you lots of love and hugs 🫂
so much love to you
So much love to you
I am proud with the empowered daughter.. because it takes a lot to a little girl to become like this.. because this progress is just not happening in one day.. which means she took a lot of emotional hits to grow up since her childhood.. And having this kind of strong back bone to block from a boundary crossing.. that's next level..
Thank you so much for representing a "healthy mother" who has an unhealthy past pattern of set of behaviours. This is an incredibly smart and watchable video.
Subscribed.
I started crying watching this. I crave healthy conversations like this with my mom.
Me too.... hope you recover
Ohmygosh your baby is so cute! Look at those eyes! And as for your Healing journey, know that even if your mother never changes, you get to choose what kind of mom your children get to talk to ♡ therapy is not a weakness but a sign of maturity.
Me too
"are you okay?" as the default reaction to the mom is something really relatable and telling.
I have cut off my toxic mother for almost a year now because of this. I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. It feels good to be validated in this. Thank you.
Didn't realize how fully enmeshed I was with my mom because of her chronic health issues she's had since before I was born. I would listen to her talk about them for hours and try to help solve it. I would care for my siblings so she didn't feel bad about not being there. Every phone call today still centers around her and a major "woe is me" attitude. It makes sense to me now that when I started having my own marriage problems I went to my dad for advice and mom still doesn't know. She doesn't even know me.
My mom would never own up to being the parent, only when it benefits her
Like when I'd be successful at something and she'd use it as validation to prove what a great mom she was and ride high on it for days
@@m0L3ify Or when she wanted you to obey her or how you need to respect her when you're standing up to her. "How dare you talk to me that way? I'm your mother." "How could you do this to me? Why do you want to leave me? EVERYONE leaves me!" Tears and sniffling. Child, yes.
Yep. No parental guidance / encouragement until you're in shambles and they can step in to feel like an absolute authority? Turning a blind eye to your potential until you do something they can brag about?
🎯
My mom always made excuses for really toxic relatives, and forced me into several toxic situations. All while having to put aside my own emotions to be mature and care for her emotions and tone-police myself around her. Aaaaughhhh.
I can NOT even imagine having the "Healthy Mother" conversation with my alcoholic, dysfunctional abusive mother!!! So much "parentification" went on as a child & continuing well into adulthood. I cut off when I was 42 years old. Wish Id done it a LOT souner. Slowed down my healing process to continue the abusive dynamics. Patrick's observations on how the adult child carries on care-taking--has he read my journal??? VERY helpful.
I love these role plays. They're like soap operas. Actually it would be great if soap operas could have some kind of philosophy and psychology with it too because portrayal in media just excasserbates these family dynamics
So now I wanna see the beautiful spot and setting that Tim’s mother loves so much. And WTH did Andy do in February????
Right!
@Deva bility . I heard Andy pulled his shit again that very March - right on TOP of what he did in February! Can you even believe?? Freaking Andy, man! What a mess that guy is. 😆
I know this is meant to be a funny thread but I find it interesting that it all these posts fall in line with being nosy and is part of this conditioning hahaha
Hahahaha! I know! What happened? Ahahaha!
@@dragonsalleymusic . I hope Andy makes an appearance in a later video. Maybe the doctor can role play a therapy session or a phone call with him…..from jail 🤣. Maybe he went to jail for his shit and the doctor is the jailhouse shrink and Andy gets pulled out of his cell for a mental evaluation and a counseling session.
See, I’m not even as colorful in language as the empowered daughter when talking to my mom during our conflicts and she comes back with a “don’t talk to me like that” or “you need to watch your tone” or “you need to honor your mother.”
Thank you for including that scenario in all your role play videos. I like to watch them to see if my setting boundaries as a 26yo is really out of line
Yup. One word of swearing and the rest might as well be in greek.
You are not out of line. Not now and not ever.
“Letting people fail in ways is a sign of growth.” As a recovering codependent, this is 💯!
Yes! This really hit the nail on the head for me too! Healthier for their growth too bc ppl learn through failure and then trying again / living on, knowing they can handle it.
I'd like to comment from the mom's point of view and first say thank you, Patrick, for showing the healthy mom as owning her mistakes rather than having never made them. I was raised by parents who showed some codependency with me and I have always intended to instead parent in a healthy way. Recently, I have felt overwhelmed by various stressors in life and have (temporarily) reverted to this familiar, yet destructive ways of relating. Luckily, my daughter is empowered now. I realize some codependent mothers are toxic and are best avoided, but I hope others are like me and can get back to relating in a healthy way. Thanks.
This is kind of heartbreaking. When I watched the first vid it literally sounded like me and my mom and, even though I knew it was off, i really struggled to pinpoint what was wrong with the conversation. That's just normal to me. I wish I wasn't still treated like my mom's mom.
I'm so tired of teaching her how to be an adult and giving her life advice about stuff. If she's 60 years old and doesn't know what to do, why should I?
me too sometimes i just want to be mothered. i haven't even had kids of my own yet i dont want to be my moms parent
I feel that, too. The first conversation was way too normal to me. My stomach hurt during the second convo...if only, right?
same like I hate that I’m the first person she calls when she needs help with life but I’m struggling and I have no one
"even though I knew something was off, struggled to pinpoint what was wrong with the conversation. That's just normal to me..." Yes, I feel this too. Especially the pseudo-niceness,the self-justification, and the way I end up kind of struck dumb by it.
I completely relate to you. I have that same issue with both if my parents. I also struggled to notice all the issues in the first video.
I hope you heal soon, I know it’s tough. You’re not alone. Sending you a big hug!
is there a way you can show a roleplay where the codependent mom tries the guilting and vilifying in a more aggressive/angry way and how an empowered daughter may deal with it ?
Yeah maybe the mother calls the daughter a retard lol *my mom is aggressive as hell*
@Dru Baxter Yo. He literally starts all of his videos telling people in the comments not to be judgemental. We're all on our own journeys. Just because you're further along doesn't mean you're better than OP.
@Dru Baxter This is an incredibly passive aggressive and guilting thing to say to anyone especially victims. You are not helping anyone with this attitude and coming across narcisstic and abusive yourself.
@Dru Baxter what if you are under 18? Jeezus
@Dru Baxter it’s not that easy…
This has been so helpful for me! I just broke up w an immature partner that I felt like a “mommy” to our whole relationship. I finally realized that I was repeating a pattern w him & split it off in the hopes of working towards a healthier me. I definitely learned a lot of this behavior from my mother’s actions towards others, as well as within our relationship. From a young age I was treated like a friend & not a child in regards to my parents dysfunctional marriage. I’m so glad I found this channel today! This video really helped me acknowledge the growth I’ve done so far & shown me where I need to continue growing!
Man this is me! I’m leaving too so thanks for commenting! Breaking generational curses!
I broke down crying when I heard the “healthy mom” I’m struggling severally as a adult
The healthy mother one helped me realize that sending your clueless kids to speak for you is a form of parentification. I always wondered why i had to speak for her. And was violently forced to speak to adults and didn't even understand what's going on.
My mom wants me to call basically any customer service for her and it’s so aggressive I’d cry sometimes and she never cared that I was nervous too to speak. She even asked me to call outta work for her but that’s where I had to draw the line.
I am in my 30’s and just now understanding I have super unhealthy relationships with both my parents. My mom has made me so codependent.
I’m in my 40’s. Please take care of yourself and find a chosen family! ❤️
@@fakename559 thanks! I have gotten rid of a lot of people over the last year. When I stopped catering to people and stopped making excuses for poor behavior I realized I didn’t have many actual friends. 😕 It’s ok. Working on a happier life.
I am going to be 50. I have been in therapy for years. I had to realize it is my problem now. It stemmed from my dysfunctional upbringing but now it is mine to own and heal. If I own it then I have the power to heal it. Love and blessings in your healing. ❤
Most people don’t find out until their 30’s. We’re too busy exploring the adult world and still too “asleep” to notice in our 20s.
I've done the empowered daughter dialogue with both my narcissistic parents a few times, but since they're narcissistic, nothing really changes and I keep having to have the same conversation over and over again. Even that feels like I'm having to parent my parents in telling them they have to take responsibility for their own lives. I feel like having no conversations at all with narcissistic parents is the only real solution and better for all parties involved in the long run.
Everything in this video is what I've been dealing with since I was a teen. I almost told my life story here just now until you mentioned "over share" and it's true.
"It's like I was a boy-crazy teenage daughter and you were the mom": The entire 👏 plot 👏 of Gilmore 👏 Girls 👏 😂
😂😂😂 Omgosh that was a little different, the mom started taking more of a mom role later on
Lmfao to true, that show was so toxic
IKR?? My mom and I used to watch that show together. Later I thought it was so weird and our relationship was way too similar to that show plot…
…
Lol too true!!
Your role plays are amazing. Every time you show us what healthy sounds like, what empowered sounds like - it’s a glimpse of a whole other way of being. A light in the fog 🙏
Yeah, I really appreciate the comparison role plays. It just highlights all the key differences between them, which is so useful for learning and recognizing behavior
I'm working so hard to be a healthy mother because I didn't have that growing up. Glad to find this channel 🙌🏼
Mmm... the "Honey, what happened to us?" really speaks to the beginning of breaking a kind of emotional contact. My fiance' and I went through this in a huge way when I started having healthy boundaries. Awesome work you do. Thank you 🙏🏻
My mother has turned me into a codependent person, terrified of making my own choices and she is the exact same person. It's a horrible thing to be told things like "grow up, you should know better, what's wrong with you" and also "I trust you, I just don't trust the world, you're still young, I'm this age and you're that age you don't know". My mom just walks into my room without knocking whether a door stop is against the door or not looking for laundry and trash in my room like I am still a child. Meanwhile she leaves the house a mess and nobody has any fixed chores and she says we do nothing even though we don't. I say I don't want to go to the store with her and she acts like I've insulted her. I go to my boyfriend's house a lot now and she jabs me by acting like I am abandoning her. She knows it hurts me and makes me not want to go. She calls me and if I say we haven't been doing too much, she makes me doubt my relationship by saying "is he treating you right? are you two still close? do you still feel the same about him? does he still feel the same about you?" God I am dying here. I'm the oldest of five and my mother is a single parent and has been since I was nine. I struggle with all the things you've mentioned, and I still live at home at 21. I become resentful of people who start doing better than me after I've helped, I love the getting to know you phase but become anxious and avoidant after that. I share way too much about the past and almost nothing about the present. I'm nosy and focus on other people's issues instead of my own and since I have started learning more about therapy and mental health and counselling I have started becoming even more unhealthy trying to counsel my dad who doesnt live with us, my mom, and my siblings because I just want everyone to be happy. I couldn't handle my mother and dad fighting when I was a kid and both of them saying I HATED THEM when I DIDN'T! I'm going back to college to become and child and youth carer but honestly I don't even know if it's the right thing for me to do! I feel kinda worthless unless I am helping someone.
Sorry for the rant, mostly for myself. If anyone relates, sorry. I just got kind of triggered.
Wow, you have so many untapped talents it's like a smorgasbord of choices for you in terms of a career!! It sounds like, you feel most fulfilled when helping others. Have you thought about joining the Peace Corp? What about: Firefighting is seasonal, doesn't require a degree, and of course open to both men and women? Or: Advanced degrees are usually required for Therapists/Counselors, Nurses, and Teachers/Faculty -- all of which can be specialized for children or families -- and for which burnout is high, but intrinsic reward is immense, and the academic experience alone is great reward, too! Hospice workers, missionaries, and bartenders all require listening to other people's problems, and can be done with an Associates (AA)or Undergrad (BA, BS) degree. You have so much to offer. It makes sense your Mom is going to act out when she depends on you so much. The thing is, you're about to embark on another phase of your life. It's an exciting time, and you are ready to leave. You can try to prepare your Mom and siblings for the change, but for them it will take some time. Because you are kind and thoughtful, of course you don't want to be guilted about your next steps. Nor should you be. Because what you are doing is right and going to be tough enough already. May you be free from suffering. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy. 😄
@classical chameleon So right on!! Be good to yourself, hon. You ARE worthy.
We all are special in one way or the other, so dont lower your self esteem! Find out what ur gud at, and work on your weaknesses and think and go forward in life..Pray to God and luv urself..take care🤗❤
Getting away from her more often is the best thing you can do. I started doing that as soon as I turned 18 and my mom put me on the same guilt trip. Do what you want regardless of the guilt trips. It’s your life, not hers. But wow I can totally relate! She leaves dishes on the counter, something I would have been screamed at for doing. She would say “you’re never home.” In a condescending tone. The best thing I ever did was move out. Now I struggle with her asking me to come over every week, almost every night, and I have been avoiding it. Lie to her if you have to until you learn to build healthy boundaries. Get angry! Do whatever the fuck you want regardless of her. Get a therapist. You’ve got this 💪💪
Al-Anon might help you...
My experience watching the Healthy Mom went quickly from ‘man, I wish I had that’ to ‘I know this is the mother I will be’. And that means a lot. I guess instead of focusing all my energy or changing my mum (and perpetuating the roles we have), I need to show up differently for myself and move forward, breaking the cycle for me, my partner and any kids I might choose to have.
Edited to add: Watching this I realise I have become the Empowered Daughter. I’m so proud of myself and all of you reading this.
That is so beautiful ❤. What have you worked on that helped you the most? If you don’t mind sharing?
this! i'm ready to be real. i don't know how people go their whole lives living in some twisted mind F
@@KR-os6nn thank you xx
I have created clear boundaries, by better understanding my needs. For example, I will not talk/listen to anything about my mother’s abusive husband, which has been the predominate subject of conversation for 12 years, nor will I visit them or have him in any aspect of my life.
This was very hard at first. I could see it caused her pain, and was “unnatural” for us. I also worried about her safety.
But that was the point. We both made me responsible for her well-being, when actually I can’t and never could help.
By accepting that in listening, helping, having her flood or turn to me as a therapist (and well as the fact she did nothing when he was abusive towards me), etc. was actually about *my need* to “save” or balm my own pain in seeing her distress I empowered myself.
In talking responsibility for my role in the dynamic, I was able to take a lot of pressure out the situation and felt a lot less pain at her ongoing patterns. This pattern had nowhere to go.
My relationship with my mother has improved. My mental health has significantly improved (I am not longer on anti-depressants) and I have looked ahead to the family I create rather than the one I come from.
I have also let my mother follow through on her suggestion that we access family therapy and have taken a back seat in its organisation. My mother seems keen to mend and invest in our relationship, and understands her being proactive in this is key for me. It means a lot to see her respect these boundaries but also want to rebuild what we have. Hope that helps. Thank you for reading and good luck to all xx
@@KR-os6nn I'm obviously not the person who wrote the comment, but I can tell you what helped and helps me (I'm still in the process of learning though, probably (and hopefully) forever). I try to be very aware of my own issues and try not to project them onto the relationship level. For example, if someone triggers me with their behaviour instead of reacting, I stop for a moment and ask myself: What is this doing to me right now? Why do I feel the impulse for behaviour XY? I try to see people who trigger me as teachers who give me deeper insights about myself. Reacting blindly and impulsively often doesn't solve a problem, but creates another one. Somewhere I once read "The price of freedom is vigilance". I think that fits very well here :)
That's so awesome.
I hadn’t realized until now, but after the role play with the empowered daughter I noticed that that’s exactly how I’ve been treating my mom lately, but I’ve felt a lot of guilt about it simultaneously because I keep trying to see things from everyone else’s perspective way too much, including hers, and that’s made me feel badly about the potentiality of breaking our already heavily strained relationship, because I don’t want to hurt HER feelings by doing so and make HER feel like our relationship is just another thing that she messed up in life.
So thanks, Patrick, for helping me drop some guilt and recognize my own ability to simply feel more empowered.
I’m sub as of today, and I’m having a merry Tuesday organizing my home while binge-educating myself on your content ❤️ What you do is very helpful; I usually take a more spiritual approach to self-recovery, growth and expression, which covers similar concepts from a different lens, but I’ve burnt myself out on that perspective lately. So thanks again for putting your perspective out there, as it’s VERY helpful to me, and evidently to many others as well!
After 51 years of struggling with this type of relationship, I'm so emotional watching this. I don't feel like there's ever going to be a way out.
I have struggled so much with awful co-dependent friendships. I struggle to relate to anyone unless we're in some sort of master/servant roles. So I end up being the friend who you only call when your hamster dies and you don't want to touch the body. Or your house is dirty and you need help cleaning. Or you're moving today and forgot to pack literally anything. All things adults who were even older than me had do for them. Even now I feel like I have a closer relationship with my employer than my friends, although I'm working on it.
Well you gave me a good laugh about the “dead hamster” that’s a great example !! I know exactly what you are talking about because that’s me too. I always wonder why don’t I have better friends when I help everyone with things no one else would, now I’m seeing what happens when I don’t help. All the best to you and you are not alone
Always the listenER, NEVER the listenEE. Always the helpER never the helpEE. When you say goodbye to that dynamic, you will know who your true friends are.
Aha, same. My closest friendships are the ones who I helped in their "dark moments" and they ask me why I stuck around with them. I've always told them it was because I understood and knew they just needed someone there for them. Now they've got jobs and other things, and they call to come over when they're mourning their dead pet, or when they've got health problems and are feeling lonely/ etc. My closest friendships are one's where I've felt honored enough to have them share deep, sensitive thoughts with me. Otherwise, I feel like it's superficial. Then, they don't seem to want to hang around me anymore, because they don't want to "burden" me, or they just straight up go quiet.
My boyfriend's mom is like that. While I had the malignant narcissistic mother, he had the more subtle, guilt inducing, childish, manipulate mom. That made it very hard for him to realize that he had in fact been victimized by his family of origin.
He's been struggling with always being the little nurse in every relationship he's ever been in. He was raised to completely suppress his masculine side in order to accommodate the nourishing, understanding, soft part of his personality. Nothing wrong with being soft, if it wasn't for the fact that he was manipulated into that so that he could be the mother of his own mother,while his mother could continue having a horrible relationship with her actual husband, which ironically was treated like the toddler of the house. Effed up on so many levels.
Luckily he's growing now and finally learning that he has every right to set boundaries, to state what he wants, to express his preferences and to not help other people compulsively.
The horrible part is that mothers like this usually feel morally superior to other people, like "what's wrong in teaching my children to be empathetic, decent human beings?"
No, ma'am, you're teaching them to be your nurse and your doormat so that you can get a spousal emotional support from a literal child. If you loved your son you'd teach him independence and how to act like an adult
Little therapist - that was me from the age of 13 upwards to my mother who treated me like her therapist and friend instead of her daughter. She literally acted as if I was the mother and she was daughter and expected me to console advise and counsel her FOR HOURS every day about her relationship, work and life problems. But she never reciprocated, I could never turn to her for advice and support as she'd just dismiss and invalidate my feelings and start a fight and accuse me of being selfish.
The empowered daughter - every time I tried that, my mother would blow up at me. The only thing I could do in the end is go low contact.
This can't be a coincidence that I'm seeing this right now. This is what I'm going through but with my husband's mother. I know which daughter I want to be. This video is a gift.
This hit a bit too close to home... And i never even realized it fully. My mom started sharing her marriage problems and worries ever since i was 12, i absolutely hated them and would avoid talking to her whenever i could. When i tried communicating boundaries (aka telling this is too much and i don't wanna hear it) shr would call me selfish and told me 'I did it for my mom so why can't you do it for me?' This feels like a generational sickness at this point lol. I used to find relief only whenever my grandmother came to visit us and she would have another source to rely on (AND THAT IS WHAT SHE SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE)
She doesn't tell me all those problems anymore so I've felt more at peace, the problem is my middle school years were spent w that (12,13,14,15) im 18 now and i realise i do have this weird need of 'Fixing' others, especially my romantic interest at the moment. It's honestly very great and relieving knowing where the entire problem originates, and I'm looking forward to overcoming it.
The narcissist mom makes you feel like you're the only one in the world who can truly take care of them/the only one that they trust. And that's extremely hard to navigate around mentally, I've been in that position now for 15 years, and just now putting the pieces together and realizing that this isn't normal and it needs to stop. Surrogate parent side effects are really no joke.
Yes!!!
🎯
I just realized reading this that not only does my mother do this, but many of my friends made in my teens (I’m almost forty) do this as well. It’s so manipulative.
"You're being manipulative by not being real about this."
Wow. That hit different.
This was a HUGE help and eye opener for me. I recently lost my mother to suicide and am struggling with feeling like I lost my partner and soulmate vs my mother. I had no idea enmeshment was even a thing. It started when I was 14 and I’m 34. This healing journey is going to be a long one.
I am so sorry! I understood.
As a nurse I’ve seen this on an extreme level. Enmeshment to the point of debilitating. And in my life. Thank you for sharing so people can be informed and not judging.
What does debilitating enmeshment look like? Like panic attacks if one of the two enmeshed people leave the room?
@@simplyixia3683 kinda? Debilitating in medicine is defined as any disease/illness that is stopping you from carrying on your activities of daily living (ADL). An example would be, trying to get ready for work but you have to keep stopping & catch your breath because of emphysema. A psychiatric example is being in such a depressed state you’re “paralyzed” in bed & can’t go take a shower.
An example related to codependency, (I think), could be seen as putting your life “on pause” to care for someone else’s life problem.
You can support others throughout their struggles, but never to the point it’s now your responsibility to, (this is in relation to a cognitively able adult to another).
Parentification for sure, the daughter in the scenario was coaching the mom. This is hits home. The healthy mom parentified the child too! I love the empowered daughter.
Those sketches were brilliant! It was therapy and affirming just to be witness. Healing is a lifelong journey.
It does take a lifetime to heal
OMG the “I’ll send you an Instagram post about it” or plainly explaining psychological concepts about attachment etc, I do this with all my friends and anyone in need, got to think twice now
OH MY GOD Patrick, how do you know exactly what has happened to me since middle school? My parents had a really messy divorce when I was 14. Since then, my mom has always vented to me about her issues with my dad, and now issues she has with her boyfriend. I have always been the one she turns to for advice, she even told me once how she went for an STD test in case my dad was cheating on her! If she's about to tell me something she thinks i'll be unhappy with she'll preface it with 'please don't be mad at me, but...'. It has always been about her feelings, she has absolutely no concept that i'm also a person with feelings. I'm slowly learning not to sensor myself and to be honest but I am still in fear of a scary reaction from her. Whenever I've said no to her or made my own adult decisions, she throws a pity party, trash talks about me to whoever will listen, and then calls me 'hateful' 'selfish' or 'ungrateful'. Thank you for all that you do, it is incredibly helpful and validating
This is EXACTLY how my mom is and I’ve always wondered why I’m so codependent and tolerant so much extreme abuse from partners. I’m slowly starting to understand myself and the connection between my childhood and my present day actions. Thank you so much for your videos
The “healthy mother” talk is healing so many things in my body right now. Wow. Also reminding me I am the empowered daughter now 🙌🙌🙌 exactly how our convos go. Except I don’t get apologies I get blame
It’s the support and soothing tone without aggression. And taking accountability.
Amen
Am I the only one that got emotional when the healthy mom apologized for letting her daughter put her life on hold to take care of the mom? That got me in the feels.
“...trying to get your dramatic teenage mom to be an adult...”
my God.
Do y’all hear that chord?
Thank you. Even if it wasn’t my own mother saying it, i needed to hear it.
Hearing it broke that thing in me that was holding me in inappropriate service to my mother even though I’ve been trying to break it. No longer am I a parent to my parent.
Thank you sir.
Lets goooo let go of the toxicity
@Elizabeth Perry yeah. it _would_ be life changing. sadly most of us won’t ever hear it. I need to learn how to give myself the validation to move on… because I just don’t think my mom is capable of that kind of self-examination. in the past she’ll just say something half-hearted like “I’m sorry you felt that way it wasn’t my intention but how many times do I need to apologize before you move on.” just once in a real authentic way. not even a million lip service moments could equal one true acknowledgment from the heart. I guess it’s true they can’t give away what they don’t have.
"Don't ask me to teach you how to be a better mum" woah.. saving this one 🙏 It's like I just realized it wasn't my job but her job if she wants to love me and respect me.. thank you 💜
Wow, this really hit home and helped. I went no-contact with my mom earlier this year and I'm still working through things for sure. The part where the empowered daughter said something like: you are still manipulating me and asking through guilt and saying no she wouldn't teach her how to be a better mom that she needed to look things up for herself... my jaw dropped! I know I've been manipulated and used but there are still so many things she did ALL THE TIME that I never caught onto. I know they made me feel bad, but I never identified why until now. This was so helpful to me, thank you so much for your work!
Congrats on getting away. That’s the hardest but best thing you will ever do for yourself.
You go girl 💜💜💜💜
@@Violett_Ginn It's great to hear support, seems like the feedback most people give is guilt and shame that I "abandoned" my mom, so many people just don't get it. Your words mean a lot to me, thank you!
@@julierock3 think of it this … if you did abandon her ( and you didn’t !!!). Why is that your fault ! ?? Why isn’t it your mothers fault for putting you in that position the first place.
This wasn’t just a spur of the moment decision. It was years and years of accepting hurt that you never deserved.
@@Violett_Ginn that's a good point! Sometimes I think she spent so long never taking responsibility for anything, that I'm trained to not hold her accountable for her actions and to take that blame and responsibility onto myself. It's a hard thing to unlearn, but working at it everyday!
I don't post comments ever, but this just hit me hard. I also want to say my mom passed away this passed September. She was 48, I'm (turning) 24. Our relationship was so codependent mostly her onto me. Seeing the healthy mother section made me break down crying because I will never get to have that opportunity. I loved my mom and I just wish we, SHE got the chance to heal and be the mother I know she wanted to be. There is a lot of things I haven't yet processed from our relationship and it feels even harder without having her here to go through it with me because it feels like I will only get part of the answers without her. Thank you for this video, it has helped me realize some of the toxicity that was in our relationship.
I am sorry that you are hurting💕
I really feel you on this. First off I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you're taking for yourself to process your grief and your loss. Second, I also lost my mom when she was 48, but I was 15 then. And looking back, we were very codependent, she was all about her needs and I did not have the maturity (obviously, with hindsight) to understand how wrong it was. It's hard, learning about all of this after the person you wanted to become better and heal is long gone. Like you say, it feels like only part of the answers. I am still struggling with it. But trust me when I say, you have your own answers in you, and while it may take a long time to get them and heal yourself, you will make it there. If not your mother, then other people around you who love you will see your journey and support you. Sending much love your way !
I’m so triggered, I never realized how codependent we are. She never really changed and I kept on accepting it for what it was and I can’t keep doing that. It’s always been about her.