My mum was highly enmeshed with me. She saw me as her extension. I took me so many decades to realize that. I am living her life now. Trying to discover who I am in my late 40s. It is never late to finally start living my life.
Same. She has told me outright that she feels like I'm an extension of her soul. I'm 19 and trying to heal from being emotionally neglected and parentified by her. I'm still living with her tho and that makes it sooooo difficult
My narcissist mom, age 87, just told me I dumped her…I am fifty and have devoted my entire life to pleasing her and never made my own decisions for my life and she isn’t pleased with me, she believes I’ve “dumped” her because I’m not living in her home entertaining her! Emotional incest is horrific! Don’t do it to your college kids!
Yeh, and the FIRST moment you ask to be more than just the part she wrote, you are DUMPED because who you really are just irritates her. Be the part she wrote, forever, for her convenience.
Man mine said that shit to me a few years ago. I'm 43. I looked up and thought to myself how crazy, nasty, disgusting that sounded. I just walked out and drove off.. I am lucky to always have been a person to naturally fight back and always knew something was wrong but I couldn't put a finger on it but this video is exactly what I was dealing with and didn't know it. Narcissism..
My mother repeatedly told me she would commit s*icide if anything happened to me. I had NO childhood and was forced to go no contact in my late 30's. Now, she has no one and will most likely die alone because she cut everyone out except me and I ran because I couldn't take the abuse and pressure. I am finally free. I left an inheritance and trust fund behind. I am flat broke and very much free and sane! It is NEVER too late to choose yourself.
I had to live with my enmeshed mother for longer than I had hoped due to financial reasons. I still have the note she left on my night stand, "If you ever move out into an apartment I'll shoot myself in the head with a Texas ranger pistol." Guess she couldn't find that pistol 🤷 She also always talks about throwing herself in front of a semi on the freeway as to "save" me and my daughter with the life insurance money. I'd love to move to Oregon or Cali while my daughter is young, but I know it will 100% cause a mental breakdown for her. It's so hard to let go of that, but I'm working on it 😊 I hope you're doing well and are living life happily free of shackles ❤❤❤
My mom was enmeshed with me, but moreso as I was her mother/friend. I went no contact in my 30s too. Everyone thought we were close, but it wasn't what it appeared. She was close to me, but I wasn't close to her. I feel as if I never had a parent! So walking away was easy, because I wasn't getting a damn thing from the relationship!
Your experience Sounds diff than the topic of this vid. Having said that, your comment makes a little voice in the back of my head say “is this emeshment and emotional incest thing another example of society and the powers that be in the arena of Of psychology simply isolating an issue that clearly falls under the umbrella of or indeed, is wholly an aspect there of, given a “catchy” label, and promoted by those in the field who have clear incentives & conflicts such as academic funding, book sales, speaking events etc, to proliferate and push this novel disorder , or updated description, It reminds me of GASLIGHTING!
As someone who is really struggling with a husband who is enmeshed with his mother, I just want to say that I respect you so much for having the ability to recognize that you were doing it and make changes for the better. It’s not our mistakes that matter, it’s what we do about them that count ❤
Props to you Mothers for being aware of this and making a change, I wish my mother could do the same, as I’d like to have a better relationship with her, but I dunno if it’s possible. anyhow god bless and good luck on your healthy son / mother journey.
@@meeeeves I got contradictory message I was a wise and old soul one minute and I was a horrible child because I wouldn’t allow the adults around me to use and abuse me. So that’s made me a bad kid coz ur supposed to do everything the adults want you to do and I refuse to this day. I have come to see that when people say family is everything it means that there should be no boundaries with family and that the expectation is to take family with a side of abuse and that has been made normal. The expectation is that family can mistreat and mishandle you to any degree they please because they are family and I just simply disagree and take the appropriate actions to ensure I’m respected and treated well.
Thank you for this video Kenny. At a very young age I realized I had a choice between two things: 1) be me, pursue my dreams, and live the life I want OR 2) have a relationship with my mom. I choose 1 and have never looked back.
That was my parents to a T. They ruined the first 30 years of my life and almost ruined my marriage with their control. It finally ended when mom died and I cut dad off years ago. I still feel angry at them for stealing my milestones, opportunities and life. But today I'm finally living life on my own terms. My marriage healed and I'm continuing to break cycles.
How did you start living on your own terms ? I'm 35 , with a family, still my parents want to solve everything in my life 😢. I feel guilty when I push them away .
Yes, that's why I can not tell my mom about stuff in my life - she will try to insist and begmand to let me to let her fix stuff for me, and if I disagree, then she tries to turn it in a way that I am bad.
Just so you know, I immediately subscribed when you got a little heated around the 11 minute mark, noticed it, point it out, and commented on it. To be able to help guide us, AND admit your own flaws is EXACTLY the type of guidance that we need. I admire that very much.
As you role play, I see how under developed my parents are… it’s hard when we realize in many ways we’ve lost our childhood and we were forced to be the adults in the room even when we were small.
I said to myself the other day, in my early 30s now: "Man, you know, it does kind of suck I'll never have the experience of having actual parents". Now I DID have parents, but I didn't have guardians, teachers, 'the wise other'. I had, basically, peers who threatened me into compliance with their wishes. It's sad, but also somewhat healing to admit it and come to terms with that reality. If I ever have any kids, I now know just a little better what they might be looking for.
My mom says that her whole life revolves around me. I'm 35 and have been living in another state for 10 years. She says that I'm all she thinks about. It's an insane infatuation and obsession. Makes me miserable.
Wow...My Mother said to me one day "You owe me your life" I replied " I didn't ask to be born" harsh I know but she has always made me feel I am at her service. She would show up at my home and demand I do her hair. One day I said no and she shamed me and said I was lazy for napping with my newborn.
I said the exact same thing to my mother because it’s true. My mom stole money from me, demanded I NOT get a job so she could keep her max food stamps while also refusing to help me with anything. I didn’t ask to be stuck with her, I just wanted a mother. I’m so glad to hear you chose to spend time for yourself and your family 💜💜
My husband and I struggle in our marriage because he’s enmeshed with his mother. My husband does everything my MIL tells him to do. We even had my MIL’s wedding-not his and mine-because my husband sided with whatever “help” my MIL wanted to offer us (which came a cost of course.) After 5 years of being nice (yes, I’m codependent) I stopped playing by my MIL’s rules, and my husband has had to choose between the kids and me or his mother. He finally chose us after I left him, and he realized his toxic family didn’t even care how much pain he was going through.
Thats the worse part as an enmeshed child, when the child needs his family support the most, just like he supports them all those years, suddenly they dont care bc it takes focus from them and the only thing that child gets is guilt trip and shaming 😄 thats the point of realization
You are lucky. I don’t think my wife will understand and doesn’t even choose to be a mother either and can’t even begin to stand in our shoes. So happy for you! May God bless your family.
Same here I do understand, it’s causing so many problems. This is my exact situation and the enmeshment is SEVERE! I’m now someone who’s standing between him and a good relationship with his mother.
It's like your family is the good ending version of my family haha. Same thing happened between my parents when I was 3. If only my father did the same, but unfortunately he was very very enmeshed with his mother, he gave up his family and preferred career and everything for her, and he still feared her even as an old man.. he died a few years ago, I never liked him and all the manipulation he did, but I feel sorry for him, wish he realized what was happening before he died.
WOW!! What a great topic! I was thinking this was about other people and their parents! BUT IT IS ABOUT MY MOM and how she refused to be a parent! Charged me for being alive and then groomed me to be her personal SLAVE!! OMG!!
Once I spent ages constructing a polite text to ask my mum not to let herself in to my house. She has keys, but in case my daughter got locked out. She said she was fed up of my abuse. So, yeh, any attempt to ask for space or draw a boundary is "abuse", and my dad backs me up, shaming me for hurting mum.
Letting herself in is definitely overstepping the boundaries. When I was growing up, all any one cared about was my mother’s feelings as well. ‘Don’t upset mum - she’s the only important one in the family’. No one gave the least bit of concern if I was upset.
Get new keys and a lockbox.. my mother used to walk right in. Press play on my old school answering machine..listen to my messages, check my mail..some how all that stopped.. she would /does drive by and stalk my house, stalk me at the library or where ever in this small town I might be...I live on an alley and as much as I love natural light I had to put up heavy blinds and curtains. Also has financially controlled me. Bought these rental houses that I have spent decades working on mowing grass, rehabbing..all for no real compensation. I am about to get 2 or 3 jobs so I can save up to move out of state. I have never been able to date anyone to any real extent because I am smothered. I have pretty much lived a double life all my life.
Honestly, this sounds a lot like my mom. She definitely has this over attachment to me. I feel way too responsible for her feelings, and she doesn’t understand boundaries. I thought my discomfort was invalid for so long, and took it as love and trust for me. She also constantly tries to take away my independence, and make me rely on her for everything (I’m almost 20, just to give context). But she plays it off as helping me out, or says things like “you can’t do this without me. You’ll probably screw up.” Every time I do screw up, she says “this is why you should let me help you.” It even got to the point where she gets mad if I message my boss for work without consulting her. I’m glad I understand now.
@@orianam9835 It's still pretty hard for me to accept. My dad has always been the hardcore overt narcissist, so I always saw her as my savior when I as a kid. But I'm only now starting to see that she has some toxic aspects to her. Recently when I called her out for her behavior, she said "oh yeah, because I'm such a horrible parent" and "I'm the only person in this family who you can rely on." Which is bullshit, because my grandparents, siblings, cousins, and aunts are people I can rely on. But what do you know, she's trying to cut me off from my non-immediate family.
Have you seen the movie Tangled? Cuz “you can’t do this without me. You’ll probably screw up.” Every time I do screw up, she says “this is why you should let me help you” is literally Mother Gothel's WHOLE song.
My mother used to tell me I am very strong and capable. I had no idea that I am just terified girl who has no choice than to be strong and capable, otherwise everything will collapse. I collapsed many years later.
OMG, I love my mother, but everything you have said resonates. I was the fixer/the caretaker as a nine year old child after the divorce. It has taken me 30+ years to figure out what I want out of life, I had spent most of my life trying to please her. I intentionally do not tell her things due to judgement. I think she had kids to take care of her. Thank you so much. being with my mother is draining and I needed the validation that I am doing the right things.
I watched a mom and teen son at mass one time. She had her hand in his hair and played with it the whole time. I felt so sorry for that boy! She replaced her ex-husband with her son. 😢
@@ashleycnossen3157OP said teen. By the teen years that boy should be wanting a girlfriend his age to play with his hair and not want his mother touching him that way.
@SENSEF Teen could be 12 or 17... if he's a very young teen like 12 or 13 it doesn't seem problematic. If older then yes. But also, just because boys get older doesn't mean they stop needing affection from their parents. There is a line for how much and when/where, but that line is going to be different for each one. That why I asked, how much is too much? OP can't know in this case, can't know if the boy was going through a tough time and maybe he wanted his mom's comfort. It's not like rubbing hair is sexual. It's one of the least invasive ways to touch our kids. I think the only thing lower on the romance scale is rubbing their back
After 12 years it’s totally inappropriate! These moms are weird & creepy- could you imagine a dad “playing “ with his teen daughter’s hair???? Complete boundary violation!!!
I LOVE how you responded to your mother’s relentless phone calls Kenny! It was very gracious, compassionate and authentic while remaining true to your boundaries and not succumbing to the demands of her phone calls. That does speak of healing!
I had to end a friendship because of her emeshment with her children. I couldn't watch it or be around it. She would tell them everything and i mean everything, it was so damaging and she couldn't see it. I never told her because I know she would be extremely offended. I grew up with an extremely emeshed parent. I know what it feels like, i couldn't be around it again. My parent would make up lies to keep me from leaving home. Looking back as an adult, its very disturbing.
Not my Mum, throwing a tantrum because I moved 20 minutes drive away, because I was struggling to get a rental in the area as a single parent 10 years ago 💀 I went no contact with Mum 6 months ago. Just after Christmas I had to tell my parents that my kids are no longer visiting them. Mum had called my highly sensitive 18yo on the phone, and emotionally dumped so much traumatic shit on her that the kid was white and shaking. I'm so so so exhausted, and I've let my kids down in a million ways because I didn't realize how damaging Mum was until recently. So not only has she been heavily in their life, but I've been wasting all my energy trying to prop her up, whilst also behaving like her in a lot of aspects. The grief and weight of that is enormous. They deserve better, and it feels too little too late.
It’s not too little too late. You’re recognizing and taking accountability. My parents like to pretend they do but it’s martyring. You are sincere and they are lucky to have you protecting them, I had nobody to protect me. Dust yourself off, you’re alright 👍
It scares me so much to realize I have been and still am going thru with all 18 signs. I came to realize my enmeshment way too late, as this costed me the love of my life, my partner was not able to cope with this shit anymore, and when I started working things out she did not have enough strength to move on (it was a 3 years long relationship). I really do hope that more people realize this issue, as it is very complex and very subtle, but very life changing in a worst possible way.
I wanted to express my gratitude for this video. Everything you discussed resonated deeply with me. My brother and I were raised in an intensely enmeshed household, and although I sensed something was wrong, I struggled to fully comprehend it during my upbringing. While I recognized my father's love, the way he expressed felt cannibalizing, like I was food he was unwilling to release. Now at 24, I've been actively pursuing recovery for a year now and am finally starting to fully grasp what happened to me. Thank you for your insights.
If you didn't know you were abused, maybe....you weren't. I mean, maybe psychological mumbo jumbo needs to be taken with a huge grain of salt. If you're currently an functional adult, then be grateful that you are. Many children never make it this far. Many die at the hands of a parent. Many starve to death. Many are trafficked. In light of that, maybe just learn from what was, but don't stay there. Accept the past as learning tools and as something which made you who you are.
This helps sooo much as a daughter. I’m struggling to leave my parents home and I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with guilt. This hits sooo many points on why I feel guilty and where it’s coming from. I was looking for a while on this guilt, family enmeshment, leaving the nest videos and this has been the best so far. Thank you!
OMG me too! I have always known that there was something severely wrong with my family but just recently I found out that my mother is 100% a severe narcissist that I'm the scapegoat empath of the family and don't even get me started on my father LOL. DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD TO FINALLY NOT FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALONE?
As a daughter who went through this, you need to know that it is their issue not yours. Live your live, as long as you are respectful to them then you know that you have no control over their feelings. Leave and live your life.
This reminds me of myself and I'm glad you posted this video. As a parent with an extremely traumatic childhood my # 1 fear is that I will continue the trauma cycle with my children. Identifying which behaviors I have that are unhealthy is not always straightforward. Knowing what healthy parenting looks like - without ever having had an example to go by - is a big struggle for me. This video has given me a lot to think about.
My exhusbands parents had keys and let themselves into our home. I asked them not to, i asked my husband to install a doorbell. You would have thought I murdered someone. My parents were also overwhelming. We had no chance for a happy marriage without interference. interference.
Wow, that's insane. My husband reacted the same because I told him to advise his family (7 people) to notify us before they came over. This was during the height of covid. They would pop up and stay for hours every single day. 🙄
20:02 Omg 😮 Is that why I feel grossed out when my mom tells me I look sexy when im dressed up??? For the longest time i would avoid getting ready when she was around. I couldn't understand why I felt so disgusted when she would say that 😖 Man, I feel such better about that whole situation. Thank you for explaining this the way you 🙏
the whole concept of the child takes care of the parent isn't something every generation just imagined it's societally taught the society sets up parents that if they have the kid that kid will take care of them this is why we singled and non-children folk get harrased & emotionally abused by society as something alien, other, not right, don't know what they want, their in a phase, ect cuz the whole society was taught this so if your childless by choice and or are the kid who says no we've built in soical scorn for doing so.
This puts words to what I was experiencing and people only judged me screwing up my life but no one cared to look what happened to me as a kid. I'm so thankful I can work through this stuff now and make sense of everything. I own my mistakes, I'm cleaning up my life and learn to navigate around this parental toxicity.
Until I was in my 30s and began researching enmeshment I had no idea we were supposed to feel separate emotions. I had no idea of like "I'm in a good mood but Mom can be angry." as we can be two separate people. For me it was always if someone expresses they are angry or upset, you need to drop everything to fix it. You need to make it better. It's rude and unkind to feel okay when they are feeling bad. You need to fix it so you can feel happy again without guilt. I thought this was normal. I thought that was how things were supposed to be. It was only once I realized I was hollow where my personhood was supposed to be I began to see how incredibly abusive it was to create an environment that made me grow with that mindset.
This one was a difficult watch for me. I see some of this in my own relationships with my parents, but almost everything with my husband and his parents. I will admit I see myself with my own children in a couple of these examples, but I honestly had no idea that what I could be doing or saying was enmeshment. Now that I know this however, I will make an active effort to reform myself and to better myself because I never wanted my children to go through what I did.
The part about not having needs and being an easy child really resonated with me. I was that for my mom. And when I did struggle with postpartum anxiety and was pleading for help (it was this experience that started me on my healing journey actually) she dismissed me! She told me I was blessed and shamed me for struggling. She told me to go read my bible. I was shamed for seeing a therapist even though it helped me tremendously! It was heartbreaking but lead to my seeing what was happening and had always happened throughout my life. I’m very thankful for having gone through that and glad to be in a healthier place.
i was completely enmeshed with my mother, and i dont know if this was just her mental state or because I resisted, but it was all negative 'youre bad, its all your fault, I do everything for you and youre a terrible person' etc That was more confusing I think because i didnt understand why she was so obsessed with me if i was so bad
I’m so angry at my mom for doing these things to me! For not letting me create boundaries! I’m 35 and her favorite phrase is still, “You don’t tell me no!” I’ve haven’t talked to her in six months, and I’m so angry at all the manipulation and belittling! It’s pure, blind, hot rage that I don’t know what to do with because I was never allowed to be angry!
My parents tick so many of these. I was never sexualised but i was strongly encouraged to stay very slim, have long hair, blonde highlights, wear make up. If I answer the doorvwith my hair in a ponytail, im told bluntly how i look like death warmed up. I think i look healthy even without makeup. My mother does the same to my daughter, but, one step removed, my daughter nods and smiles but stays detached.
"I looked around at the little she had to give me, and made sure I only asked for that..." I remember being about 12, watching my single mother raising my little brother and I. She asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I knew we couldn't afford much. So I didn't ask for anything, allowing my brother 4 years my junior to have whatever he desired. Of course, my mother still bought me a load of Christmas stuff, to the detriment of our electricity cutting out the following month from nonpayment. She learned it from her mother, my grandma, who would take the entire family out to Disney World for a vacation. The next month, there is no electricity, or we're selling things to pay rent. Also, the resentment towards individuals for becoming healthy, hit home. I grew up overweight my entire life, seeing my overweight family being "normal," I thought nothing of it. When I lost 184 lbs from low carb, my mom was sickened by me. "All you talk about is your weight loss. You've changed, and I can't stand it. You think you're so great now that you're so thin, too thin! It's unhealthy..." I am down to 200 lbs at 5'10 from 384... too thin is what she believes. Projection is a hell of a drug.
Now I feel less alone, it's also the reason I didn't have children. My parents were too interested and I wouldn't have my life until I was free. Now I am too old. Thanks for sharing your similar view.
Same. I mean I love kids however I cannot emotionally handle the massive responsibility of having a child. I was R worded, and I chose not to carry that and had an abortion. Because I was not going to bring another child out of Ra** into this world. I was abandoned emotionally and psychically from my parents. Both didn't know how to raise us. But I learned throughout my life so far that no, I still cannot even adopt a child. And thats okay.
You know,...just when you thought you had the enmeshment thing licked...you'll see something that let's you know "There's a bunch more work to do". Thank you for this great, thorough, presentation. This is complex stuff, a years long journey. I'm grateful I have a therapist who is able to address this with me and understands the urgency. Let's get to work and get free.
thank you very much. my favorite is number 15, without critizing parents sharing your thoughts/feelings objectively, giving everyone a chance to learn from our mistakes, thank you again.
My mom hates when I do well. Whenever I want my own life, she hates it because was supposed to be the scapegoat or failure but I’m not. I’m fighting and I am building a life I love and is 💯 separate from her. I don’t take anything from her because everything comes with strings attached. She purposely withholds information from all kids so that we can fail and be dependent. It makes me physically ill and I hate being around her. No one else in the world, just her.
12:52 exactly, our offspring arent retirement fund backups..idk how some parents feel so entitled to DEMAND that of their child, its so irresponsible and inconsiderate beyond belief; for them to spend their money as frivolously as they wanted for years to then turn around and think its your duty to sacrifice your own financial well being to support them.
I was sent this video by my fiancee, at first I was like “okay here we go again.” I’m only halfway through the video and kind of shocked at how close this hits to home. I’ve been financially, and emotionally taking care of my mother and my other siblings since I was 18. I’m 24 now my situations is dire and getting more dire, i can barely afford to feed myself, i live off the tiny bit of money i get here and there. The biggest act of rebellion I ever had was joining the military, my life’s dream at 18, and it hasn’t stopped since and I’m exhausted. I’ve broken down so many times and it’s always “I don’t know what to do without you” never “what do you need?.” Thank you, not really the added stress I wanted, but what we want and what we need are hardly ever the same thing. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you for what you're going through. I'm glad this video was helpful, and I hope you find my other videos on the topic as helpful! Wishing you the best on your healing journey 💜
My dad still says that I'm the easiest. Its never felt like a compliment. My dad has been using me for comfort for as long as I can remember, even all the way back to a little kid.
Oh my! I just found this video and I'm so thankful. It is absolutely my mother in law. We are having so many issues in our relationship that stem from this!!! We're going to counseling now , I pray every day he will realize he is able to have his own life and say No! Please pray for me!
Wow, I'm so glad for your explanation of what an empath actually is. People use it as an excuse to attack others. I'm very aware of my own empathetic tendencies as well and you've helped me see it's not good.
Such good info. I recently told my mom tho that her incessant calls drained me. So I couldn’t tell her she’s free to call whenever, and I’ll call her back whenever. It’s draining just to see that she’s calling
Whenever I read or hear about these patterns that interweave through my own life experience as well, I can't help but think it seems like it's parents that kinda don't REALLY want/didn't want kids having to cope with the idea that they have them now. And as you say, society cannot seem to fathom that it might be helpful on the long term to allow them to speak about and process that reality.
Kenny, I grew up without this, my parents did none of these things growing up yet I keep ending up with romantic partners that experienced this. I feel like a representative of the parent they actually wanted, but then they try these dynamics on me and I refuse and the eventually ends
My parent threw a shit fit when I finally stood up for myself. I decided to live in a different state. Spent a whole week giving me the silent treatment and when I didn't cave they came back saying they didn't want to start off the year on a bad foot. Now they claim to be so proud still gives me unsolicited advice on the fronts where I'm not "enough" And the funny thing is they are almost self aware saying things like live your life for you and stand up for what you want, until it goes against their grain then I'm a disappointment.
Thank you! This has really helped me understand my sister-in-laws’ enmeshed relationship with she and my husbands parents. My husband won’t indulge it and consequently feels like the outsider. Ps: Your shirt really makes your eyes pop! 😊
Thank you for calling out ‘empaths’. I was told I shut myself from my gift and felt really guilty and bad about it for years, like I abandoned my older siblings (who call themselves empaths/mediums). Now I’m glad because I can view it as something healthy. 🙏 Wonderful how you taught your mother as well. Very inspiring!
Me too. It took me decades to realize that being an "empath" was severely co-dependent and I didn't even want to do it. I just had been trained to believe it was how good people behave and if I didn't, I was just cold and uncaring. Yuk!
Oh my God. My mother has literally expressed ALL of the examples you have given. I was guided to your video because my therapist recently called what I’ve been going through with my mom “emotional incest.” And I needed to know more. It was so bad my mom even had munchousen biproxy and would keep me sick so she could get paid to be my “caregiver “ while the entire time I was taking care of her all while being deathly Ill. 😤
i screamed at around the 8:00 mark. what an eloquent way to describe the blatant self servicing behavior of these immature parents. those are the same feelings i had but could never word it properly.
It is hard to be an empath. My neighbors adult child died in an accident. He had 3 young children and a wife. I grew up with the mother of the son. I internally took on their pain of losing their child and his children losing their father. It was so bad I couldn’t even talk to them. I mentioned it to a friend who told me i couldn’t possibly feel their pain. I didn’t talk about it any more. My husband died suddenly over 2o years ago and our daughter was just 12. She kept the pain to herself mostly. We both have our struggles. I don’t know why I shared this with you. I do know I very much am putting a lot of thought into your very good insights. Thank you.
My mom had severe postpartum depression after having me and I can clearly remember sitting on her stomach while she was lying in bed and she flat out told me that she was a very bad mommy. And this was continuous. I would constantly have to reassure her that she was a good mommy, not bc she was, but bc I NEEDED a mommy. I was screamed at constantly and locked in my bedroom. I started dissociating at a very young age and I KNEW I was being greatly unfairly. I felt it, even though I had no experience of being treated well. My father was short tempered and dealing with my mother wore him out. I even called the police! I told them that I thought I needed help bc I never felt safe and secure. My mom threatened that if I ever did that again, the police would give me to a REALLY BAD mommy and daddy. I truly remember hating her. It wasn’t until my little sister was born when I walk almost 4 that I had started to develop ways of managing her emotions. She’d still have adult tantrums, screaming “get away from me!”, threaten to leave, lock me in my room. I also remember her kicking me in the stomach to kick me away from her when I didn’t give her the space she wanted immediately. I’m 40 now and 2 years ago I had a full blown nervous breakdown that I’m still healing from. She was diagnosed with a personality disorder, but gives it zero reflection. To say I grew up enmeshed feels like an understatement. I’m so tired from my interactions with her. She won’t give me enough space to enjoy my accomplishments or feel happy, unless I include her in it. And she uses me as an emotional garbage can. I’m just so exhausted all the time. Having a cell phone is a blessing and a curse. Boundaries don’t exist. And my dad just placates her bc no one can handle her adult tantrums. No one! We aren’t nice to her out of love and kindness! And she knows this! She’s not stupid! But any attention you give her is a power play. Even if you argue with her. There’s no winning with a person like her. It’s draining in every way.
I was a good girl until I needed help. I was her golden child until I got divorced. Now that I’m remarried and healthier my mom tries so hard to make me into her extension again and make me do things that she is supposed to do. It’s difficult but I’m not going to oblige. She can meet her own needs. I keep saying no to her every week. She hates it but she won’t say anything to me. Bc she has no one else - my dad passed away a few months ago my brothers are long distance from her. Thank you so much for this video. ❤
Sometimes it's hard to understand wheter it is abusive or not... but what I can't get over, is that when I decided in my late 20s to simply learn a musical instrument, my parents made fun of me like two weeks, telling me that I will eventually stop it like every instrument when I was a child (I never wanted to play them btw) and that I will end up nowhere with this instrument. When I was a kid I fell I love with this instrument and it took me like 25 years to finally standing up for myself and playing it. And we are talking about simply learning something... I always have the feeling, they wanted an eternal family without accepting serious development of the children and life choices they didn't like. But when you try to confront them you're the evil, unthankful child...
I once told my mum that i wasn't responsible for her happiness and she went berserk. She told my dad and he said i should apologize to her and i asked for what? She also told me that I was living her life and she was using my life to right all the wrongs she did when she was young and so I couldn't mess it up. Apparently i had no right to want boundaries
Thank you for this, I have recently realized in a deeper way how easily I dissociate and feel rage from advice or suggestions or others managing me somehow when I haven't asked for it and how I just want to be heard and allowed to be - in friendships etc. I seem to both attract people who do this unsolicited advice thing, and then after some feeble attempts to put in boundaries allow them to walk all over me with their "help." It makes me feel like a helpless child and I'm realizing I need to step back into this work as I'm just not separating myself from others like I need to be. Therapists have done a lot of damage by recreating the power dynamic I have with my mother where she helps me to death! It was much worse than that, much much worse, but that is the thing that effects me on the daily, it's insidious
I'm 33 and through my girlfriend's outside view and advice, I've only just realised the full extent of my family's enmeshment, and this entire concept as a whole. The stuff you're saying here is quite an extreme case. But a lot of it applies to my life in some ways. My GF will not stick around if I keep leaning into my family for everything and helping my mum with a lot of her needs (not her words, but I know it'll wear on her). Thanks for posting videos like this.
Every second of this video is the truth and I wonder not only the children are damaged but also their partners. Because these children can never be a good wife/husband.
Appreciate the moment you noticed your ‘energy’! Been having those moments frequently at 47, as I unpack baggage I didn’t realize I was carrying….hoping to find my authentic self.
you put everything that I've been going through and confused about, into clear words for me and that clarification resolves my emotional confusion as to why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations, cirmstances, communications with my parents, why, how to explain it, am I wrong, is something wrong with me, would someone understand me...... you put it all in words, you answered my unresolved feelings, confusions, repressed anger 😪😪
27:45 that's really wonderful to hear and see. I hope my mother and I will reach this stage of peace too. Our relationship is currently very stressful and full of conflict. She also grew up severely abused and had to endure a lot of hardship, but as a result she raised me very enmeshed with her, and I'm only now starting to figure this out. It's like she became my very ability to acknowledge and process my own emotions and experiences. When I tired to "contain" myself as you say, I discovered that I'm basically still a lost confused child without proper a sense of self. My own set of averse experiences also did not help. The parent doesn't have to be directly abusive or narcissistic to enmesh with their child, they could've themselves experienced abuse and narcissism and basically don't know how to NOT enmesh with their kid. Unfortunately, someone who is enmeshed and does not know how to exist individually is really prune to abuse. I feel to enmesh with someone is basically to prepare them for abuse.
Being an empath is about: fear of abuse (if I don't react empathetically they might get mad a me); experienced neglect (I desperately need others to like me and one way to do that is to give them all my attention and forget about my need to stay with my emotions), feeling not good enough (my feelings and emotions don't matter, others are more important therefore I should give them the spotlight and focus on them). I totally agree with your words: saying "I'm an empath" is like saying "I'm traumatized and I haven't healed from it. I also haven't realized this is not my personality or who I am, just a coping mechanism." It's not a good thing, it's sad.
My dad is 88 with dementia and various health issues. He is more like a child now and requires lots of help to survive. My bro and I turn shifts to make sure he has medication, dipers,, food, clean apt, doctor's appointments and tests and conversations over coffee. I feel I owe him this. Am I wrong? Should I expect to be dump by my daughter because times are different now? Please explain
"you sure you want to do that?" OMG, that triggered me like crazy (but thats not a bad thing)! that's my dad to a T! This information has been instrumental in my healing journey, thank you so much!
Yesterday I was wondering "am I REALLY an empath? Or am I just fawning.....?" my whole life makes sense after learning about fawning... About 4 years ago I started to challenge it. I didn't know why, but every time that I said "no" or had to stand up for myself, I got a visceral fear response. I grew up with parents who really eclipsed my own will and enmeshed with me. I could never do things that weren't part of the agenda that they had for me (or my brothers). I have healed so much!!!
I am finally coming to realize that my relationship with my dad is enmeshed. It isn't as heavy as some of these, but it's more severe than I thought. The stories of him crying when he passed my room in college are tainted more as him needing me to make him feel better than sweetness of him missing me. I can't make healthy romantic relationships because I tent to act so co-dependent. I am so used to rescuing someone as love. Sure, my dad 'rewards' me with attention and affection, so I never connected it fully with the emotionally unavailable guys but...oi...it makes me...feel so weird. My therapist used codependent as the word for the first time. I am still processing this.
My mum was highly enmeshed with me. She saw me as her extension. I took me so many decades to realize that. I am living her life now. Trying to discover who I am in my late 40s. It is never late to finally start living my life.
Same. She has told me outright that she feels like I'm an extension of her soul. I'm 19 and trying to heal from being emotionally neglected and parentified by her. I'm still living with her tho and that makes it sooooo difficult
I agree. My Mom was the same
How did you finally realize this after so many decades?
Same. Only my father. It took me 50 years to see this.
@kimreinhold6027 move out of state and go to college..live in the dorms.. dont fall in the trap. Wish someone had told me this.. I am 52 now
My narcissist mom, age 87, just told me I dumped her…I am fifty and have devoted my entire life to pleasing her and never made my own decisions for my life and she isn’t pleased with me, she believes I’ve “dumped” her because I’m not living in her home entertaining her! Emotional incest is horrific! Don’t do it to your college kids!
Yeh, and the FIRST moment you ask to be more than just the part she wrote, you are DUMPED because who you really are just irritates her. Be the part she wrote, forever, for her convenience.
.
about her demands not being met, it seems pointless, but when
That’s sad and terrible.. have boundaries with that mother
Man mine said that shit to me a few years ago. I'm 43. I looked up and thought to myself how crazy, nasty, disgusting that sounded. I just walked out and drove off.. I am lucky to always have been a person to naturally fight back and always knew something was wrong but I couldn't put a finger on it but this video is exactly what I was dealing with and didn't know it. Narcissism..
Any advice I can help my boyfriend of 7 years see this in his mom? He is so blind to it
My mother repeatedly told me she would commit s*icide if anything happened to me. I had NO childhood and was forced to go no contact in my late 30's. Now, she has no one and will most likely die alone because she cut everyone out except me and I ran because I couldn't take the abuse and pressure. I am finally free. I left an inheritance and trust fund behind. I am flat broke and very much free and sane! It is NEVER too late to choose yourself.
You made the right decion
I had to live with my enmeshed mother for longer than I had hoped due to financial reasons.
I still have the note she left on my night stand, "If you ever move out into an apartment I'll shoot myself in the head with a Texas ranger pistol."
Guess she couldn't find that pistol 🤷
She also always talks about throwing herself in front of a semi on the freeway as to "save" me and my daughter with the life insurance money.
I'd love to move to Oregon or Cali while my daughter is young, but I know it will 100% cause a mental breakdown for her. It's so hard to let go of that, but I'm working on it 😊
I hope you're doing well and are living life happily free of shackles ❤❤❤
Good call. Certain things can't be bought with money.
My mom was enmeshed with me, but moreso as I was her mother/friend. I went no contact in my 30s too. Everyone thought we were close, but it wasn't what it appeared. She was close to me, but I wasn't close to her. I feel as if I never had a parent! So walking away was easy, because I wasn't getting a damn thing from the relationship!
Your experience Sounds diff than the topic of this vid. Having said that, your comment makes a little voice in the back of my head say “is this emeshment and emotional incest thing another example of society and the powers that be in the arena of
Of psychology simply isolating an issue that clearly falls under the umbrella of or indeed, is wholly an aspect there of, given a “catchy” label, and promoted by those in the field who have clear incentives & conflicts such as academic funding, book sales, speaking events etc, to proliferate and push this novel disorder , or updated description, It reminds me of GASLIGHTING!
Watching this video is like someone wrapped a big cozy blanket around me and said "Youre not crazy. I believe you and you are gonna be okay."
I did that to my son and I can't believe I did it!!!I recognized it and stopped myself because I figured it out I was manipulating him to be good!
As someone who is really struggling with a husband who is enmeshed with his mother, I just want to say that I respect you so much for having the ability to recognize that you were doing it and make changes for the better. It’s not our mistakes that matter, it’s what we do about them that count ❤
Ouch me too, when I saw it I tried to back up a few steps.
Props to you Mothers for being aware of this and making a change,
I wish my mother could do the same, as I’d like to have a better relationship with her, but I dunno if it’s possible.
anyhow god bless and good luck on your healthy son / mother journey.
@RC-fi4ixHealthy families, yes. Enmeshment is debilitating however, and very very far from healthy or normal.
My mom did it to me and I see I'm somewhat doing it to my son. That stops today.
When you said "You were the easiest kid." I cried. They always said that to me too. and that I was a "wise" and "old soul"
I was told I am difficult and weird but since I am a good student and great in school I was ok. Wtf…
same here
Oooof I’m triggered
@@meeeeves I got contradictory message I was a wise and old soul one minute and I was a horrible child because I wouldn’t allow the adults around me to use and abuse me. So that’s made me a bad kid coz ur supposed to do everything the adults want you to do and I refuse to this day. I have come to see that when people say family is everything it means that there should be no boundaries with family and that the expectation is to take family with a side of abuse and that has been made normal. The expectation is that family can mistreat and mishandle you to any degree they please because they are family and I just simply disagree and take the appropriate actions to ensure I’m respected and treated well.
Romantic attachment is a REALLY good way to put that. No adult should have romantic attachment level love for a child.
Thank you for this video Kenny. At a very young age I realized I had a choice between two things: 1) be me, pursue my dreams, and live the life I want OR 2) have a relationship with my mom. I choose 1 and have never looked back.
WOW! I'm being me! This is what I'm doing now!
It's so sad and confusing
That was my parents to a T. They ruined the first 30 years of my life and almost ruined my marriage with their control. It finally ended when mom died and I cut dad off years ago. I still feel angry at them for stealing my milestones, opportunities and life. But today I'm finally living life on my own terms. My marriage healed and I'm continuing to break cycles.
How did you start living on your own terms ? I'm 35 , with a family, still my parents want to solve everything in my life 😢. I feel guilty when I push them away .
How did your husband find the courage to stay ?
If we had the choice, some of us would never choose them to be our parents. They are not fit to be parents.
😂
Yes, that's why I can not tell my mom about stuff in my life - she will try to insist and begmand to let me to let her fix stuff for me, and if I disagree, then she tries to turn it in a way that I am bad.
Same here, they don't even see it either.
Begmand is a really good word for it.
My mother always said we never owed our parents anything but respect. They never threw anything up to us.
Basically my father expected complete obedience to him. Even in our 30s. If he told us to do something. We were expected to do just that.
Just so you know, I immediately subscribed when you got a little heated around the 11 minute mark, noticed it, point it out, and commented on it. To be able to help guide us, AND admit your own flaws is EXACTLY the type of guidance that we need. I admire that very much.
Me too! Also showing just how frustrating these things can be in hindsight, not just something you can "get over"
As you role play, I see how under developed my parents are… it’s hard when we realize in many ways we’ve lost our childhood and we were forced to be the adults in the room even when we were small.
I said to myself the other day, in my early 30s now:
"Man, you know, it does kind of suck I'll never have the experience of having actual parents". Now I DID have parents, but I didn't have guardians, teachers, 'the wise other'. I had, basically, peers who threatened me into compliance with their wishes.
It's sad, but also somewhat healing to admit it and come to terms with that reality. If I ever have any kids, I now know just a little better what they might be looking for.
Boundaries are everything 🙌
My mom says that her whole life revolves around me. I'm 35 and have been living in another state for 10 years. She says that I'm all she thinks about. It's an insane infatuation and obsession. Makes me miserable.
My heart goes out to you for what you're going through
Wow...My Mother said to me one day "You owe me your life" I replied " I didn't ask to be born" harsh I know but she has always made me feel I am at her service. She would show up at my home and demand I do her hair. One day I said no and she shamed me and said I was lazy for napping with my newborn.
I said the exact same thing to my mother because it’s true. My mom stole money from me, demanded I NOT get a job so she could keep her max food stamps while also refusing to help me with anything. I didn’t ask to be stuck with her, I just wanted a mother. I’m so glad to hear you chose to spend time for yourself and your family 💜💜
They can't handle being told No. Ever!
I can relate. My mum's like that. Only wants me round when it's for her benefit
You weren't harsh. That was a very mild and simply factual response.
@@HillbillyYEEHAA Mine too.
My husband and I struggle in our marriage because he’s enmeshed with his mother. My husband does everything my MIL tells him to do. We even had my MIL’s wedding-not his and mine-because my husband sided with whatever “help” my MIL wanted to offer us (which came a cost of course.) After 5 years of being nice (yes, I’m codependent) I stopped playing by my MIL’s rules, and my husband has had to choose between the kids and me or his mother. He finally chose us after I left him, and he realized his toxic family didn’t even care how much pain he was going through.
Thats the worse part as an enmeshed child, when the child needs his family support the most, just like he supports them all those years, suddenly they dont care bc it takes focus from them and the only thing that child gets is guilt trip and shaming 😄 thats the point of realization
You are lucky. I don’t think my wife will understand and doesn’t even choose to be a mother either and can’t even begin to stand in our shoes. So happy for you! May God bless your family.
Same here I do understand, it’s causing so many problems. This is my exact situation and the enmeshment is SEVERE! I’m now someone who’s standing between him and a good relationship with his mother.
Thank God he chose you in the kids my ex didn't he picked his parents I guess it was just easier
It's like your family is the good ending version of my family haha. Same thing happened between my parents when I was 3. If only my father did the same, but unfortunately he was very very enmeshed with his mother, he gave up his family and preferred career and everything for her, and he still feared her even as an old man.. he died a few years ago, I never liked him and all the manipulation he did, but I feel sorry for him, wish he realized what was happening before he died.
WOW!! What a great topic! I was thinking this was about other people and their parents! BUT IT IS ABOUT MY MOM and how she refused to be a parent! Charged me for being alive and then groomed me to be her personal SLAVE!! OMG!!
You've described my mom too.
100 likes to that comment
my Mom too- large daily dose of guilt- ( Dad cheated 45 years!) Mom needed a SHRINK, or Spouse; no TO Ruin my Life.
That is the word, a personal slave
Once I spent ages constructing a polite text to ask my mum not to let herself in to my house. She has keys, but in case my daughter got locked out. She said she was fed up of my abuse. So, yeh, any attempt to ask for space or draw a boundary is "abuse", and my dad backs me up, shaming me for hurting mum.
Letting herself in is definitely overstepping the boundaries. When I was growing up, all any one cared about was my mother’s feelings as well. ‘Don’t upset mum - she’s the only important one in the family’. No one gave the least bit of concern if I was upset.
Same…my mother throws the word abuse like it’s an all encompassing term, maybe in HER reality but …I feel you ❤
Get new keys and a lockbox.. my mother used to walk right in. Press play on my old school answering machine..listen to my messages, check my mail..some how all that stopped.. she would /does drive by and stalk my house, stalk me at the library or where ever in this small town I might be...I live on an alley and as much as I love natural light I had to put up heavy blinds and curtains. Also has financially controlled me. Bought these rental houses that I have spent decades working on mowing grass, rehabbing..all for no real compensation. I am about to get 2 or 3 jobs so I can save up to move out of state. I have never been able to date anyone to any real extent because I am smothered. I have pretty much lived a double life all my life.
Come on. Of course parents want to be involved. May be overly interested. Some of this is stupid.
@@notnow7973 go look up invalidation and do some flash card studying. Then come back and look at this comment of yours
Honestly, this sounds a lot like my mom. She definitely has this over attachment to me. I feel way too responsible for her feelings, and she doesn’t understand boundaries. I thought my discomfort was invalid for so long, and took it as love and trust for me. She also constantly tries to take away my independence, and make me rely on her for everything (I’m almost 20, just to give context). But she plays it off as helping me out, or says things like “you can’t do this without me. You’ll probably screw up.” Every time I do screw up, she says “this is why you should let me help you.” It even got to the point where she gets mad if I message my boss for work without consulting her. I’m glad I understand now.
She controls you and enslaves you emotionally
@@orianam9835 It's still pretty hard for me to accept. My dad has always been the hardcore overt narcissist, so I always saw her as my savior when I as a kid. But I'm only now starting to see that she has some toxic aspects to her. Recently when I called her out for her behavior, she said "oh yeah, because I'm such a horrible parent" and "I'm the only person in this family who you can rely on." Which is bullshit, because my grandparents, siblings, cousins, and aunts are people I can rely on. But what do you know, she's trying to cut me off from my non-immediate family.
Have you seen the movie Tangled? Cuz “you can’t do this without me. You’ll probably screw up.” Every time I do screw up, she says “this is why you should let me help you” is literally Mother Gothel's WHOLE song.
@@Window4503 Holy shit, I didn't even think about that. The whole "mother knows best" song. Yeah, it definitely feels like that.
A classic
They don’t even realize how traumatizing this is to the child
And likely don't care
My mother used to tell me I am very strong and capable. I had no idea that I am just terified girl who has no choice than to be strong and capable, otherwise everything will collapse. I collapsed many years later.
OMG, I love my mother, but everything you have said resonates. I was the fixer/the caretaker as a nine year old child after the divorce. It has taken me 30+ years to figure out what I want out of life, I had spent most of my life trying to please her. I intentionally do not tell her things due to judgement. I think she had kids to take care of her. Thank you so much. being with my mother is draining and I needed the validation that I am doing the right things.
I'm in the same boat. What steps are you taking? Right now I've withdrawn myself and have told her I'll only communicate via text when I want to.
This stuff has been going on in my family for generations way before social media
And worse. Social media helps bring it to the light.
I watched a mom and teen son at mass one time. She had her hand in his hair and played with it the whole time. I felt so sorry for that boy! She replaced her ex-husband with her son. 😢
How old was the boy? How much affection is too much?
@@ashleycnossen3157OP said teen. By the teen years that boy should be wanting a girlfriend his age to play with his hair and not want his mother touching him that way.
@SENSEF Teen could be 12 or 17... if he's a very young teen like 12 or 13 it doesn't seem problematic. If older then yes.
But also, just because boys get older doesn't mean they stop needing affection from their parents. There is a line for how much and when/where, but that line is going to be different for each one. That why I asked, how much is too much? OP can't know in this case, can't know if the boy was going through a tough time and maybe he wanted his mom's comfort. It's not like rubbing hair is sexual. It's one of the least invasive ways to touch our kids. I think the only thing lower on the romance scale is rubbing their back
It's incestuous.
After 12 years it’s totally inappropriate! These moms are weird & creepy- could you imagine a dad “playing “ with his teen daughter’s hair???? Complete boundary violation!!!
I LOVE how you responded to your mother’s relentless phone calls Kenny! It was very gracious, compassionate and authentic while remaining true to your boundaries and not succumbing to the demands of her phone calls. That does speak of healing!
I had to end a friendship because of her emeshment with her children. I couldn't watch it or be around it. She would tell them everything and i mean everything, it was so damaging and she couldn't see it. I never told her because I know she would be extremely offended. I grew up with an extremely emeshed parent. I know what it feels like, i couldn't be around it again. My parent would make up lies to keep me from leaving home. Looking back as an adult, its very disturbing.
I think most parents are emotionally enmeshed because most adults have not healed or rebalanced our inner child
Not my Mum, throwing a tantrum because I moved 20 minutes drive away, because I was struggling to get a rental in the area as a single parent 10 years ago 💀
I went no contact with Mum 6 months ago. Just after Christmas I had to tell my parents that my kids are no longer visiting them. Mum had called my highly sensitive 18yo on the phone, and emotionally dumped so much traumatic shit on her that the kid was white and shaking.
I'm so so so exhausted, and I've let my kids down in a million ways because I didn't realize how damaging Mum was until recently. So not only has she been heavily in their life, but I've been wasting all my energy trying to prop her up, whilst also behaving like her in a lot of aspects. The grief and weight of that is enormous. They deserve better, and it feels too little too late.
It’s not too little too late. You’re recognizing and taking accountability. My parents like to pretend they do but it’s martyring. You are sincere and they are lucky to have you protecting them, I had nobody to protect me. Dust yourself off, you’re alright 👍
It scares me so much to realize I have been and still am going thru with all 18 signs. I came to realize my enmeshment way too late, as this costed me the love of my life, my partner was not able to cope with this shit anymore, and when I started working things out she did not have enough strength to move on (it was a 3 years long relationship). I really do hope that more people realize this issue, as it is very complex and very subtle, but very life changing in a worst possible way.
I wanted to express my gratitude for this video. Everything you discussed resonated deeply with me. My brother and I were raised in an intensely enmeshed household, and although I sensed something was wrong, I struggled to fully comprehend it during my upbringing. While I recognized my father's love, the way he expressed felt cannibalizing, like I was food he was unwilling to release. Now at 24, I've been actively pursuing recovery for a year now and am finally starting to fully grasp what happened to me. Thank you for your insights.
Listening to this make me see how severely abused I’ve been and still am by my mother.
If you didn't know you were abused, maybe....you weren't. I mean, maybe psychological mumbo jumbo needs to be taken with a huge grain of salt.
If you're currently an functional adult, then be grateful that you are. Many children never make it this far. Many die at the hands of a parent. Many starve to death. Many are trafficked. In light of that, maybe just learn from what was, but don't stay there. Accept the past as learning tools and as something which made you who you are.
This helps sooo much as a daughter. I’m struggling to leave my parents home and I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with guilt. This hits sooo many points on why I feel guilty and where it’s coming from. I was looking for a while on this guilt, family enmeshment, leaving the nest videos and this has been the best so far. Thank you!
Literally me too! We will get through this :)
OMG me too! I have always known that there was something severely wrong with my family but just recently I found out that my mother is 100% a severe narcissist that I'm the scapegoat empath of the family and don't even get me started on my father LOL. DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD TO FINALLY NOT FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALONE?
As a daughter who went through this, you need to know that it is their issue not yours. Live your live, as long as you are respectful to them then you know that you have no control over their feelings. Leave and live your life.
This reminds me of myself and I'm glad you posted this video. As a parent with an extremely traumatic childhood my # 1 fear is that I will continue the trauma cycle with my children. Identifying which behaviors I have that are unhealthy is not always straightforward. Knowing what healthy parenting looks like - without ever having had an example to go by - is a big struggle for me. This video has given me a lot to think about.
I love how self aware he is!
My exhusbands parents had keys and let themselves into our home. I asked them not to, i asked my husband to install a doorbell. You would have thought I murdered someone. My parents were also overwhelming. We had no chance for a happy marriage without interference. interference.
Wow, that's insane. My husband reacted the same because I told him to advise his family (7 people) to notify us before they came over. This was during the height of covid. They would pop up and stay for hours every single day. 🙄
20:02
Omg 😮
Is that why I feel grossed out when my mom tells me I look sexy when im dressed up??? For the longest time i would avoid getting ready when she was around. I couldn't understand why I felt so disgusted when she would say that 😖 Man, I feel such better about that whole situation. Thank you for explaining this the way you 🙏
the whole concept of the child takes care of the parent isn't something every generation just imagined it's societally taught the society sets up parents that if they have the kid that kid will take care of them this is why we singled and non-children folk get harrased & emotionally abused by society as something alien, other, not right, don't know what they want, their in a phase, ect cuz the whole society was taught this so if your childless by choice and or are the kid who says no we've built in soical scorn for doing so.
This puts words to what I was experiencing and people only judged me screwing up my life but no one cared to look what happened to me as a kid. I'm so thankful I can work through this stuff now and make sense of everything. I own my mistakes, I'm cleaning up my life and learn to navigate around this parental toxicity.
Until I was in my 30s and began researching enmeshment I had no idea we were supposed to feel separate emotions. I had no idea of like "I'm in a good mood but Mom can be angry." as we can be two separate people. For me it was always if someone expresses they are angry or upset, you need to drop everything to fix it. You need to make it better. It's rude and unkind to feel okay when they are feeling bad. You need to fix it so you can feel happy again without guilt.
I thought this was normal. I thought that was how things were supposed to be. It was only once I realized I was hollow where my personhood was supposed to be I began to see how incredibly abusive it was to create an environment that made me grow with that mindset.
One thing is for sure my kids and grandkids are definitely NOT MY WORLD!
To me that sound so sick..
It's just an old saying. Most mothers said something similar back in the day.
This one was a difficult watch for me. I see some of this in my own relationships with my parents, but almost everything with my husband and his parents. I will admit I see myself with my own children in a couple of these examples, but I honestly had no idea that what I could be doing or saying was enmeshment. Now that I know this however, I will make an active effort to reform myself and to better myself because I never wanted my children to go through what I did.
10:15 that subtle bind we are put in. Yes. You described how my parents talk sometimes
This was spot on! Saw it in my family. Put a stopping to it, saw it with my husband's family he now lives with his parents at 32-40 smh
The part about not having needs and being an easy child really resonated with me. I was that for my mom. And when I did struggle with postpartum anxiety and was pleading for help (it was this experience that started me on my healing journey actually) she dismissed me! She told me I was blessed and shamed me for struggling. She told me to go read my bible. I was shamed for seeing a therapist even though it helped me tremendously! It was heartbreaking but lead to my seeing what was happening and had always happened throughout my life. I’m very thankful for having gone through that and glad to be in a healthier place.
The Bible says to seek wise council / a multitude of counselors. You can go to a therapist or a friend or mentor or lawyer etc.
i was completely enmeshed with my mother, and i dont know if this was just her mental state or because I resisted, but it was all negative 'youre bad, its all your fault, I do everything for you and youre a terrible person' etc That was more confusing I think because i didnt understand why she was so obsessed with me if i was so bad
I’m so angry at my mom for doing these things to me! For not letting me create boundaries! I’m 35 and her favorite phrase is still, “You don’t tell me no!” I’ve haven’t talked to her in six months, and I’m so angry at all the manipulation and belittling! It’s pure, blind, hot rage that I don’t know what to do with because I was never allowed to be angry!
My parents tick so many of these. I was never sexualised but i was strongly encouraged to stay very slim, have long hair, blonde highlights, wear make up. If I answer the doorvwith my hair in a ponytail, im told bluntly how i look like death warmed up. I think i look healthy even without makeup. My mother does the same to my daughter, but, one step removed, my daughter nods and smiles but stays detached.
Sounds more like narcissism than codependence
"I looked around at the little she had to give me, and made sure I only asked for that..."
I remember being about 12, watching my single mother raising my little brother and I. She asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I knew we couldn't afford much. So I didn't ask for anything, allowing my brother 4 years my junior to have whatever he desired.
Of course, my mother still bought me a load of Christmas stuff, to the detriment of our electricity cutting out the following month from nonpayment.
She learned it from her mother, my grandma, who would take the entire family out to Disney World for a vacation. The next month, there is no electricity, or we're selling things to pay rent.
Also, the resentment towards individuals for becoming healthy, hit home. I grew up overweight my entire life, seeing my overweight family being "normal," I thought nothing of it.
When I lost 184 lbs from low carb, my mom was sickened by me. "All you talk about is your weight loss. You've changed, and I can't stand it. You think you're so great now that you're so thin, too thin! It's unhealthy..."
I am down to 200 lbs at 5'10 from 384... too thin is what she believes.
Projection is a hell of a drug.
This is one of the reasons I never had kids
Now I feel less alone, it's also the reason I didn't have children. My parents were too interested and I wouldn't have my life until I was free. Now I am too old. Thanks for sharing your similar view.
Same
Everyone is given freedom of choice.
That’s sad
Same. I mean I love kids however I cannot emotionally handle the massive responsibility of having a child. I was R worded, and I chose not to carry that and had an abortion. Because I was not going to bring another child out of Ra** into this world.
I was abandoned emotionally and psychically from my parents. Both didn't know how to raise us. But I learned throughout my life so far that no, I still cannot even adopt a child. And thats okay.
You know,...just when you thought you had the enmeshment thing licked...you'll see something that let's you know "There's a bunch more work to do". Thank you for this great, thorough, presentation. This is complex stuff, a years long journey. I'm grateful I have a therapist who is able to address this with me and understands the urgency. Let's get to work and get free.
thank you very much. my favorite is number 15, without critizing parents sharing your thoughts/feelings objectively, giving everyone a chance to learn from our mistakes, thank you again.
My mom hates when I do well. Whenever I want my own life, she hates it because was supposed to be the scapegoat or failure but I’m not. I’m fighting and I am building a life I love and is 💯 separate from her. I don’t take anything from her because everything comes with strings attached.
She purposely withholds information from all kids so that we can fail and be dependent.
It makes me physically ill and I hate being around her. No one else in the world, just her.
My family also 😢
@ How unfortunate.
12:52 exactly, our offspring arent retirement fund backups..idk how some parents feel so entitled to DEMAND that of their child, its so irresponsible and inconsiderate beyond belief; for them to spend their money as frivolously as they wanted for years to then turn around and think its your duty to sacrifice your own financial well being to support them.
I was sent this video by my fiancee, at first I was like “okay here we go again.” I’m only halfway through the video and kind of shocked at how close this hits to home. I’ve been financially, and emotionally taking care of my mother and my other siblings since I was 18. I’m 24 now my situations is dire and getting more dire, i can barely afford to feed myself, i live off the tiny bit of money i get here and there. The biggest act of rebellion I ever had was joining the military, my life’s dream at 18, and it hasn’t stopped since and I’m exhausted. I’ve broken down so many times and it’s always “I don’t know what to do without you” never “what do you need?.” Thank you, not really the added stress I wanted, but what we want and what we need are hardly ever the same thing. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you for what you're going through. I'm glad this video was helpful, and I hope you find my other videos on the topic as helpful! Wishing you the best on your healing journey 💜
My dad still says that I'm the easiest. Its never felt like a compliment. My dad has been using me for comfort for as long as I can remember, even all the way back to a little kid.
You are so honest about yourself, it’s refreshing!
Oh my! I just found this video and I'm so thankful. It is absolutely my mother in law. We are having so many issues in our relationship that stem from this!!! We're going to counseling now , I pray every day he will realize he is able to have his own life and say No! Please pray for me!
Protect him at all cost !! This is powerful !! Thank you 🤝🏾
Wow, I'm so glad for your explanation of what an empath actually is. People use it as an excuse to attack others. I'm very aware of my own empathetic tendencies as well and you've helped me see it's not good.
Such good info. I recently told my mom tho that her incessant calls drained me. So I couldn’t tell her she’s free to call whenever, and I’ll call her back whenever. It’s draining just to see that she’s calling
Yes, this. Whenever I saw a text from my mum come in I would feel annoyed and then immediately feel bad for feeling annoyed. Sigh...
Whenever I read or hear about these patterns that interweave through my own life experience as well, I can't help but think it seems like it's parents that kinda don't REALLY want/didn't want kids having to cope with the idea that they have them now. And as you say, society cannot seem to fathom that it might be helpful on the long term to allow them to speak about and process that reality.
Thank you for this hard hitting, real conversation. I’ve learned a lot from your examples. I can tell you are speaking from love.
Thank you very much for posting. Took me until my 30s to realize that this was my upbringing. Healing is hard :(
Kenny, I grew up without this, my parents did none of these things growing up yet I keep ending up with romantic partners that experienced this. I feel like a representative of the parent they actually wanted, but then they try these dynamics on me and I refuse and the eventually ends
Not living their own life to much in mine smh doing it wrong
Thank you for your diligence. God is our strength.✝️
My parent threw a shit fit when I finally stood up for myself. I decided to live in a different state. Spent a whole week giving me the silent treatment and when I didn't cave they came back saying they didn't want to start off the year on a bad foot. Now they claim to be so proud still gives me unsolicited advice on the fronts where I'm not "enough" And the funny thing is they are almost self aware saying things like live your life for you and stand up for what you want, until it goes against their grain then I'm a disappointment.
I love your honesty on your personal journey and awareness of how much we all need to keep learning.
Thank you! This has really helped me understand my sister-in-laws’ enmeshed relationship with she and my husbands parents. My husband won’t indulge it and consequently feels like the outsider.
Ps: Your shirt really makes your eyes pop! 😊
Thank you for calling out ‘empaths’. I was told I shut myself from my gift and felt really guilty and bad about it for years, like I abandoned my older siblings (who call themselves empaths/mediums). Now I’m glad because I can view it as something healthy. 🙏
Wonderful how you taught your mother as well. Very inspiring!
Me too. It took me decades to realize that being an "empath" was severely co-dependent and I didn't even want to do it. I just had been trained to believe it was how good people behave and if I didn't, I was just cold and uncaring. Yuk!
Oh my God. My mother has literally expressed ALL of the examples you have given. I was guided to your video because my therapist recently called what I’ve been going through with my mom “emotional incest.” And I needed to know more. It was so bad my mom even had munchousen biproxy and would keep me sick so she could get paid to be my “caregiver “ while the entire time I was taking care of her all while being deathly Ill. 😤
i screamed at around the 8:00 mark. what an eloquent way to describe the blatant self servicing behavior of these immature parents. those are the same feelings i had but could never word it properly.
It is hard to be an empath. My neighbors adult child died in an accident. He had 3 young children and a wife. I grew up with the mother of the son. I internally took on their pain of losing their child and his children losing their father. It was so bad I couldn’t even talk to them. I mentioned it to a friend who told me i couldn’t possibly feel their pain. I didn’t talk about it any more. My husband died suddenly over 2o years ago and our daughter was just 12. She kept the pain to herself mostly. We both have our struggles. I don’t know why I shared this with you. I do know I very much am putting a lot of thought into your very good insights. Thank you.
May God give you strength.. God bless ❤🙏
My mom had severe postpartum depression after having me and I can clearly remember sitting on her stomach while she was lying in bed and she flat out told me that she was a very bad mommy. And this was continuous. I would constantly have to reassure her that she was a good mommy, not bc she was, but bc I NEEDED a mommy. I was screamed at constantly and locked in my bedroom. I started dissociating at a very young age and I KNEW I was being greatly unfairly. I felt it, even though I had no experience of being treated well. My father was short tempered and dealing with my mother wore him out. I even called the police! I told them that I thought I needed help bc I never felt safe and secure. My mom threatened that if I ever did that again, the police would give me to a REALLY BAD mommy and daddy. I truly remember hating her. It wasn’t until my little sister was born when I walk almost 4 that I had started to develop ways of managing her emotions. She’d still have adult tantrums, screaming “get away from me!”, threaten to leave, lock me in my room. I also remember her kicking me in the stomach to kick me away from her when I didn’t give her the space she wanted immediately. I’m 40 now and 2 years ago I had a full blown nervous breakdown that I’m still healing from. She was diagnosed with a personality disorder, but gives it zero reflection. To say I grew up enmeshed feels like an understatement. I’m so tired from my interactions with her. She won’t give me enough space to enjoy my accomplishments or feel happy, unless I include her in it. And she uses me as an emotional garbage can. I’m just so exhausted all the time. Having a cell phone is a blessing and a curse. Boundaries don’t exist. And my dad just placates her bc no one can handle her adult tantrums. No one! We aren’t nice to her out of love and kindness! And she knows this! She’s not stupid! But any attention you give her is a power play. Even if you argue with her. There’s no winning with a person like her. It’s draining in every way.
Why are you still around her? You're staying in abuse.
I was a good girl until I needed help.
I was her golden child until I got divorced.
Now that I’m remarried and healthier my mom tries so hard to make me into her extension again and make me do things that she is supposed to do. It’s difficult but I’m not going to oblige. She can meet her own needs. I keep saying no to her every week. She hates it but she won’t say anything to me. Bc she has no one else - my dad passed away a few months ago my brothers are long distance from her. Thank you so much for this video. ❤
Sometimes it's hard to understand wheter it is abusive or not... but what I can't get over, is that when I decided in my late 20s to simply learn a musical instrument, my parents made fun of me like two weeks, telling me that I will eventually stop it like every instrument when I was a child (I never wanted to play them btw) and that I will end up nowhere with this instrument. When I was a kid I fell I love with this instrument and it took me like 25 years to finally standing up for myself and playing it. And we are talking about simply learning something... I always have the feeling, they wanted an eternal family without accepting serious development of the children and life choices they didn't like. But when you try to confront them you're the evil, unthankful child...
I once told my mum that i wasn't responsible for her happiness and she went berserk. She told my dad and he said i should apologize to her and i asked for what?
She also told me that I was living her life and she was using my life to right all the wrongs she did when she was young and so I couldn't mess it up.
Apparently i had no right to want boundaries
And oh my goodness!! I have said some of these things to my kids. Not anymore
This video expresses a great deal of respect. Thank you, Kenny.
Thank you for this, I have recently realized in a deeper way how easily I dissociate and feel rage from advice or suggestions or others managing me somehow when I haven't asked for it and how I just want to be heard and allowed to be - in friendships etc. I seem to both attract people who do this unsolicited advice thing, and then after some feeble attempts to put in boundaries allow them to walk all over me with their "help." It makes me feel like a helpless child and I'm realizing I need to step back into this work as I'm just not separating myself from others like I need to be. Therapists have done a lot of damage by recreating the power dynamic I have with my mother where she helps me to death! It was much worse than that, much much worse, but that is the thing that effects me on the daily, it's insidious
Thank you for this video. As a parent, it gave me a good idea of the don'ts.
You are so welcome!
I'm 33 and through my girlfriend's outside view and advice, I've only just realised the full extent of my family's enmeshment, and this entire concept as a whole. The stuff you're saying here is quite an extreme case. But a lot of it applies to my life in some ways. My GF will not stick around if I keep leaning into my family for everything and helping my mum with a lot of her needs (not her words, but I know it'll wear on her). Thanks for posting videos like this.
Every second of this video is the truth and I wonder not only the children are damaged but also their partners. Because these children can never be a good wife/husband.
Appreciate the moment you noticed your ‘energy’! Been having those moments frequently at 47, as I unpack baggage I didn’t realize I was carrying….hoping to find my authentic self.
I can’t thank you enough for this information.
Excellent description of enmeshment. Your videos are great.
Unfortunately that’s common among certain cultures.
Kenny my friend, you may be my saving grace. I hope your life is full of joy and wonder. Just have to sit on this and apply it to my life.
you put everything that I've been going through and confused about, into clear words for me and that clarification resolves my emotional confusion as to why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations, cirmstances, communications with my parents, why, how to explain it, am I wrong, is something wrong with me, would someone understand me...... you put it all in words, you answered my unresolved feelings, confusions, repressed anger 😪😪
Best video I’ve ever seen on emeshment and codependency. Very eye opening for my life. Thankyou.
I'm glad you found it helpful! 😁
27:45 that's really wonderful to hear and see. I hope my mother and I will reach this stage of peace too. Our relationship is currently very stressful and full of conflict.
She also grew up severely abused and had to endure a lot of hardship, but as a result she raised me very enmeshed with her, and I'm only now starting to figure this out. It's like she became my very ability to acknowledge and process my own emotions and experiences. When I tired to "contain" myself as you say, I discovered that I'm basically still a lost confused child without proper a sense of self. My own set of averse experiences also did not help.
The parent doesn't have to be directly abusive or narcissistic to enmesh with their child, they could've themselves experienced abuse and narcissism and basically don't know how to NOT enmesh with their kid. Unfortunately, someone who is enmeshed and does not know how to exist individually is really prune to abuse. I feel to enmesh with someone is basically to prepare them for abuse.
Being an empath is about: fear of abuse (if I don't react empathetically they might get mad a me); experienced neglect (I desperately need others to like me and one way to do that is to give them all my attention and forget about my need to stay with my emotions), feeling not good enough (my feelings and emotions don't matter, others are more important therefore I should give them the spotlight and focus on them). I totally agree with your words: saying "I'm an empath" is like saying "I'm traumatized and I haven't healed from it. I also haven't realized this is not my personality or who I am, just a coping mechanism." It's not a good thing, it's sad.
My dad is 88 with dementia and various health issues. He is more like a child now and requires lots of help to survive. My bro and I turn shifts to make sure he has medication, dipers,, food, clean apt, doctor's appointments and tests and conversations over coffee. I feel I owe him this. Am I wrong? Should I expect to be dump by my daughter because times are different now? Please explain
Thank you for honoring your father. ❤
No, you’re not wrong. Keep helping your elderly father with dementia.
"you sure you want to do that?"
OMG, that triggered me like crazy (but thats not a bad thing)! that's my dad to a T! This information has been instrumental in my healing journey, thank you so much!
love your advice ,but also your sharp sense of dressing & taste🖤💖❤️🎊👍🏽🌟
Yesterday I was wondering "am I REALLY an empath? Or am I just fawning.....?" my whole life makes sense after learning about fawning... About 4 years ago I started to challenge it. I didn't know why, but every time that I said "no" or had to stand up for myself, I got a visceral fear response. I grew up with parents who really eclipsed my own will and enmeshed with me. I could never do things that weren't part of the agenda that they had for me (or my brothers). I have healed so much!!!
I am finally coming to realize that my relationship with my dad is enmeshed. It isn't as heavy as some of these, but it's more severe than I thought. The stories of him crying when he passed my room in college are tainted more as him needing me to make him feel better than sweetness of him missing me. I can't make healthy romantic relationships because I tent to act so co-dependent. I am so used to rescuing someone as love. Sure, my dad 'rewards' me with attention and affection, so I never connected it fully with the emotionally unavailable guys but...oi...it makes me...feel so weird. My therapist used codependent as the word for the first time. I am still processing this.
19:30 Sounds like my husband’s mom. She touches his arm and says very inappropriate things. Sickening.