I described this in the NM Legislature's hearing related to the Omaree Bill that children not only detect that they are powerless but that the agencies like CYFD and related systems don't function and deliver as advertised. As a result, the target participants (parents and kids) get wise to the patterns of failure and go into preservation mode or they play the system as best they can.
And that has future consequences as an adult when one has to react in the workplace to hostility. Trust is hard to achieve with those in power over one..
I had a mother growing up who worked in emerg in hospital and engrained germs and washing my hand into my daily. I can remember coming home after school as a little kid (7-10) going “hi mom!” And I’d be greeted with “wash your hands!”. If I was naucilus as a kid, it was a household issue. My mother would yell at me to get to the toilet rather than console me or make me feel better. It was about her and her issues as an emerge cancer nurse usually having to hold the kidney tray and they vomit from chemo therapy. Her trauma caused my trauma. Generational issues are strong. It’s not kosher
I had to stop only 8 minutes in because I am an extremely nonfunctional adult who has severe childhood C-PTSD and C-PTSD. But the praise for maturing so quickly and being a little adult hurt, that was me. I was only praised for how grown-up, emotionally intelligent and empathetic, and how much of an “old-soul” I have been from such a young age. I have been receiving these compliments since about 5th-6th grade, so about 10-11. No child should be forced to grow up or fall behind or be neglected from acting their own age. PLEASE, let kids be kids. Adulthood crushes us faster than we realize.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
From my mother: "That never happened. You must have dreamed it." For several years, I was confused about dreams and reality - and felt that I could not trust my feelings AT ALL.
Interesting...thats exactly what mine says too...." That never happened" but i don't stop i say"yes it did "and i offer 3 examples yo which she still denies denies denies.I hope you are no contact....I am no contact and it is so peaceful.
Every time when i tried to say what troubles me in what she done..."its not true, its never happend". Or laughing with disgust on face. And ask "just be normal".
Yep. Every time I tried to tell her how hurt I was when she’d say something incredibly hurtful, shaming, critical or completely inappropriate and not what someone with empathy would say, it would first be screaming “I do everything for this family! How can you say that to me! I did this for you last week!”, as though doing things every parent is required to do for their children excuses abusive behavior but okay. Then it would be the silent treatment for days sometimes weeks and my dad would ask ME to “make it right” like she’s the victim of MY abuse! Scenario 2 was she would be all calm and say, “you misunderstood Me” or “you’re being hormonal” or “I didn’t say that” (she did) or “you heard me wrong” THEN because I’m emotionally dysregulated at that point from the gaslighting, she blows up and starts on the “I do everything for this family!”, silent treatment, emotional parentification when my dad asks me to make her feel better… yep, and on top of that my brother is also a narcissist and was emotionally, psychologically and physically abusing me and often used my moms insecurities of her need to appear perfect and trigger her rage at me. It would come out of nowhere constantly. I lived in a state of fear and actually trauma split my first time when I was 7 because the abuse started as soon as I can remember. Both of them hated my emotional giftedness from the very beginning. I think it’s because I could see them clearly…until my brain was so damaged I couldn’t function in society, high school is when it started badly affecting me because my brother tried to coerce me into committing suicide. I couldn’t finish college, “visited” my first mental hospital and detox by 27, had an ulcer at 26, 4 sleep disorders by teens, toxic abusive relationships and friendships with people I couldn’t say no to to save my life, which was often in danger…I’m 41 now, live a very reclusive life with 4 cats, work from home, hide from the Amazon driver and only go to the grocery store at night when it’s empty. I did learn how to love myself and was able to wake up from the dissociative coma I lived in for 3 decades but I am constantly dissociating all day long, I just can’t not dissociate. Avolition is also something I struggle with, I work from bed most of the time. I really wish I could be angry at my family for everything they did to me but my nature just doesn’t hold onto anger and resentment like that. I’ve always been a forgiving person but also, why should I have to live with toxic feelings like anger and resentment. I had enough of that the first 35 years of my life only it was directed inward. I couldn’t even be angry at my family during that time because I didn’t see the abuse until years after trauma therapy (for something unrelated but related).
Same. I brought up some abuse I had when I was a teen and told my mother about it. I remember her lack of reaction very very well. Decades later I brought it up again and my mom said I never told her about it and that I got other things wrong too about my childhood including being kicked out at 15. She said it was my choice to leave and easier to just let me go. The gaslighting continues 50 years later. Thankfully I’m getting the help I need to see just how truly messed up the dynamics are in my family and always were messed up. No one but me ever talks about it but I’m ok with that now and yes I’ve taken a huge step back from all of them for my own mental health and peace and joy.
I’ve always been told I “wear my heart on my sleeve” when it comes to children. I work in schools. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I’ll let it eat me up sometimes when I see teachers lack empathy for certain kids. The longest I’m with a particular teacher, the more I see it. For example, a teacher who doesn’t “like” a FIVE YEAR OLD KID. He annoys her because he’s “stubborn”. No, he’s severely neglected and traumatized! So I ask, what’s his home life like. I get a response like… mom and dad both overdosed and died. I think 80 year old great grandma has him now. Been in a few foster homes. And I’m like, and you’re MAD at him for being too shy when asked a question in front of the class? I see this ALL THE TIME. Am I not right for being aggravated at that adult? If you’ve lost all empathy then quit the job.
You are maybe the only adult in a child's life who perceives them with any insight, and love! Absolutely right to be disgusted by the added hatefulness toward a child in pain. The access to a child, in a position of authority, is misused, adding damages. Your ability to see and show kindness, looking the child in the eyes is powerful; could make all the difference. Bless you. These kids need to be respected, period
I’m a 44 year old man. For decades I’ve struggled and only recently I’ve begun therapy. He explained to me that a large part of my struggles is due to childhood emotional and mental trauma. When I now think back to my childhood I can seem to remember nothing but negative memories. My therapist said if I don’t want to say out loud some of the things in my head then posting some random TH-cam or Reddit comment can help me release if I need it. Seems to help. I get to send my pain out there into the ether and have the shield of anonymity. Channels like this are very helpful to educate myself and help me to process some of those bad memories. I just want to say thank you for the work you do.
Amen to that! We do need some place to pour out our thoughts and feelings because they cause dysfunction, my mind overthinks until we just don’t know who we are or what we think. To me, my brain blows a fuse! Flash! No logical thought available, I can’t listen can’t process can’t think! I sent this to my grown kids now struggling from my parenting, also. And my grandchildren, will too, no doubt. ❤❤❤
After years I'm getting to the other side. Felt, relived do many bad emotions, some eventa still occurring among family but zm coming out to the other side. Going back now to release and enjoy the good stuff. Hang in there. It's worth it. Pass it on.
You’re 10 years ahead of me.. I found writing to my 10 year old self helped me to work on our fears. How it made me who I am! He's 15 now and a runaway Hitchhiked to New Orleans. Ratting the streets of the French Quarter. Hippies and commune living. Was even involved with a under ground News paper Atlantis. 1973 ... Equal Rights is still a thing..
“JOY or INTEREST in doing things WAS NOT SAFE with an emotionally dysregulated raging parent” = 🤯 Wow! You could only be happy when they were happy. Your interests could only be their interests. Plus, muting your joy and muting your interests seems like the perfect set up to lifelong co-dependency.
Same! Everything in the house was on eggshells making sure not to upset the one person who mattered but no matter what we did it was never enough. It makes me feel more failed by past therapists who seemed at a loss towards me and at times even frustrated by my inability to explain why that even though I am at a better place in life Im still unable to feel joy or interests in my hobbies.
@@charlottetaylor4471 The hobbies I did I have were a combination of faking interest in things my abusers were interested in for the sake of keeping the peace. My dad liked hunting so I liked hunting. My other hobbies I later realized I liked them only because they were a successful distraction from what was happening at home. Once I was out of that environment I suddenly wasn't interested in those hobbies, I had no idea whatsoever what I genuinely did enjoy and like, I felt so empty and made for some puzzling conversation with people who could not relate.
Every venture into homes of peers growing up was like entering another dimension. Balanced relationships were profoundly weird to me at the time. As a young person, it's hard to pinpoint what exactly is different if you have no idea how toxic your own home environment is. My parents loved me, and I believe they truly did the best they knew how, but it was still damaging to everyone in the home. It's easy to see now, but I still have to deal with it from an elderly parent. Unintentional abuse is still abuse.
I can completely relate to that feeling. I was raised by two mentally ill parents who showed zero support for me and most of my siblings. My oldest brother who was my mother's favorite is now completely and irreversibly screwed emotionally and relationship wise. I would go visit my friends and their parents were super supportive and loving to them and I didnt know how to process that. It wasnt that I didnt understand the difference it was that it did not compute. I had no personal reference with which to compare it to. Looking back at it I see myself completely in my head trying to make sense of it. Not that I envied them or wished that I had parents like that. It was so foreign to me that I couldnt make sense of it. I can say with absolute certainty that the abuse I suffered was intentional. Did they understand the consequences of what they were doing? Probably not. But it was deliberate and intentional non the less.
Absolutely! I was exactly the same. I was made very uncomfortable in friends' home and couldn't say why My defense had always been to be invisible. Having an adult be concerned for me felt creepy and invasive.
@@elonever.2.071, I had to check and make sure I didn't write that post 😂 My mother did the same with my brother. Exactly the same. When I went to visit school friends, I was shocked at the difference in their mothers and mine. Mine hated me and she could not hide that fact. That's when I found out how messed up my family is.
@@Anna-Rose- Sorry to hear that. It really sucks to have grown up with parents that are more beast than human. Im 73 and just had myself evaluated because I was weary of picking the wrong partners. I have Complex PTSD from my childhood and subsequent marriages. Fortunately the state I moved to gives free classes to help change the toxic programming I got and it is making a world of difference. I hope you find resolution too. We are not alone. Most people have some trauma from homegrown a-buse and take it out on their partners. As much as I would like to have a companion I have resolved myself to accepting life is much much better alone. And the more I heal the more sense that makes.
Agreed. I've learned more from YT then I ever learned sitting with therapists over many years. I think the problem is that when we go to therapy, we spend the majority of the time talking rather than being taught.
I agree. With info I get here & from others on TH-cam, I can go to counseling and tell her what I'm learning in my own life, thoughts, perspectives, & pitfalls, which I have most often filtered first thru the lessons I learned from people like PT. In this way, I can maximize my time with the counselor, by having a non-judgmental someone to talk to, ask questions of, & sometimes plan therapy assignments with. I am fully aware that I am usually facilitating the sessions, but sometimes there are times when I'm lost, and then I'm so glad to have someone I know I can trust. She isn't really interested in learning a lot of new stuff but I have at least turned her on to the terms C-PTSD & emotional flashback and some 12 step stuff. It never ceases to amaze me that the 12 steps are virtually unknown by mental health professionals. Plus, I can't understand how my particular counselor never heard of C-PTSD 😳 in that she works with kids & mothers, but oh well. This lack of informative continuing education falls under a term Pete Walker (author of 'From Surviving to Thriving') uses: "Good Enough" therapist. We don't need perfect counselors but we do need Good Enough counselors. Accepting that is a good example of moving away from the all or nothing thinking that us C-PTSD 'ers are prone to. I also want to give my Good Enough counselor credit for teaching me and practicing CBT. Had it not been for that perhaps further healing may have been obstructed.
I can relate to this; hiding knives and potential weapons because they threatened the other “not to go to sleep”. It’s terrifying and no child should ever have to deal with it.
"We don't trust our reality, but we need someone to confirm what we're feeling or what we're thinking." Wow... I'm speechless as to how pointedly accurately this describes me in my relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. I actually teared up at four separate times throughout this video because of how deeply it resonated with me... and I'm a guy who doesn't cry all that much. Thank you.
Although I just heard this video last night. And you wrote this nine days ago. I can tell you we would be best friends in a therapy class. Your message is so honest and truthful that it has been ❤️ felt all the way to Puerto Rico where I am currently living. Thank you, I pray that you keep going and be brave. In your positive new mind transformation. You will achieve you goal slowly however it stays permanent with you. Keep reminding your self that you are you own person and not that of your past. Remember too that now we as adults can make up the childhood neglects by fulling them with adult fun decision. Hypotherical example: as a child a parent would not allow a child to ride his favorite carnival ride, that empty feeling now as and adult still kind of lingers. What Todo: go back and see if that ride can hold you adult size body. If it is not so busy then get on it and relive your childhood neglects as an now a safe grown adult holding your inner child and saying to your innerslf. Thank you letting me experience this emotional moment.
Part two: I did this experience with myself at three in the morning one summer back when I was about 33 yrs old. I loved the swing at the park as a child but never could get someone to get me going. I had no parents, so I just sat there with my feet dangling. Then that summer night I got on it and swung like nobody's business. I felt a little silly but my inner tummy was so full of joy... It's like something changed. So when I kept explore more childhood neglects and now as an adult I kept fulling them with the realization that I can do something about it. And I promise the memories and emotional distress are gone. If you get the chance to go back to a therapy class or speak to a professional ask them about this suggestions and see what they tell you. It doesn't always work out for the better in some child hood emotional neglects. This is also a gradual process. Start with easy work to more challenging and down right traumatic experiences. When it comes to physical abuse or sexual abuse these feeling do not get fixed, repair, substituted that easily. That is why speaking to a therapist on a one to therapy session will be the most important thing to your innerslf healing. Please , forgive me for sharing so much on your post. It just something about your written words that sparked something in me to release this, mini thought. Thank you and warm wishes to you.
I agree so much with your description - even now the question that I ask most frequently is, "is it me, or...?" I absolutely do not trust my perceptions of people or situations. I always look for affirmation that I'm not seeing things in a skewed way.
Yes- that one sentence blew my mind too. I had to stop the video and just sit for a loooooong minute to take it in. It was the description of so much of my personal experience that has been nameless and wordless, up until now. Life changing.
Woah! This hit like a ton of bricks. I'd always felt as if my "joy" ability was stunted. I just don't ever connect with happy. However it takes very little to trigger sorrow and grief. I've sought them out simply to be able to feel something. When getting a new kitten, I remember crying over the pain I would feel when they died. It was my partner that snapped me of it saying that grieving them is wasting the time that we have now.
This is so familiar. I gravitate to distress, have to fix everything and never feel comfortable about letting myself enjoy just pleasant company and a relaxing conversation. I've had 1 vacation in a lifelong career and an endless spiral of self-criticism. The harder I worked the more I was dissatisfied and impatient with my performance.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Does anyone else feel freaked out when someone actually saids something uplifting or really good about you?? Or when people treat you right and you get these thoughts in the back of your mind that they aren't really a good person or they have ulterior motives? I have major trust issues myself.
Yes. When I see overly nice people like Steven Universe or sometimes in real life than I can't stop feeling weirded out by it. It also bothers me that I am that distrusting of truly nice people.
It’s very normal to have a lot of defenses up. Just try not to assume the worst or best about people too quickly! Most people are somewhere in between the two. Also: if people can be on one side of the end of the spectrum and be a monster, people can also be on the opposite end and be a bit of an angel. Those people are rare but they exist. I speak from experience.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
"One parent who rages and the other who dismisses that rage to the point it's normalized." That hits hard. I tend to blame my mother a lot, but I never really considered my dad's role. He often acted as a go between, and he was the one I would go to because he wouldn't get mad, but I never considered how he would always rationalize my mothers behavior and how we would conspire to not tell my mom things that would enrage her. Also, I never realized how much I suppress my emotions until my super emotional friend was upset about something that seemed silly to me. We talked for hours before we realized that my disconnect was that I simply don't get upset because "tears get you nowhere so I learned not to bother". Heck, I can cry over Marley and Me, but when my grandma died? Nothing. I totally disconnected. Also, I get called out for getting way too excited about things. I never considered that it was a result of emotional disregulation. Lastly, that emotional vaccum disconnect. I used to feel that with my mother and it has given me all sorts of trust issues because I no longer trust my judgement. After all, my mother was popular and everyone seemed to like her, so why was she such a monster to me in private? I used to wonder if other people would like her if they saw the "real" her. Now I distrust anyone who's nice to me because I remember how nice my mother was to others.
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
I nearly wept when I found your comment. I felt as if I've written all of it. It is the first time I'm hearing something so similar. It took me so long to understand that homelufe was abnormal. Sometimes I tought I was crazy.My mother is so very social. So caring and funny with her friends&coworkers. She used to rage. Scream. Go on emotional angry tangents that WOULD NOT STOP. Cry and stomp her feet and say that I caused her to loose the will to live. No matter what started it, at the end, I was always sobbing and apologizing and cursing myself for existing. My father (who divorced her and escaped the situation) would never understand why I get so upset. "You know she's like this, she is nuts, it's nothing new, why do you keep getting upset you should'nt care so much!". My grandmother was scared of her daughter-"it's just who she is". And me? Even as an adult, I'm scared of my mother. And even now, hearing her yell makes me feel like the terrified child I was. But other than her? I'm either too emotional-to the point of panic attacks (and usually over the minor things), or I feel numb (still cannot proccess and grieve for grandparents). I cannot trust people. I fear them. I fear that any weakness I show will be used against me. I feel that everyone lies. That everyone cheats. I just fear. The damage that can be done by words, by the parents' conduct, by emotional manipulation is devastating.
@@lina_ru4368 That sucks and I’m truly sorry. I wish I could give you advice or words of support. But I know the truth is it’s not easy. I really hope you are out of that situation and away from your mother. I’ve found distance and the power to walk away has helped me tremendously. Those trust issues sound way too familiar. If possible, I hope you can find a therapist who can help. I know it’s hard to trust therapists and it may feel like “they’re only paid to pretend to care” or “they don’t really understand MY situation” or the fear that they are judging you. I went through all that and I promise you, there are good ones out there that you can trust. The best ones are really just guides that help you process your emotions and memories because when you dissociate, you don’t actually process. It can be scary to face these emotional memories and trauma, but I would highly recommend EMDR. It’s a therapy that allows you to really explore yourself and it really helped me start to heal. Though clearly I still have much to learn as these videos have proven.
I feel a sense of kinship. This has such a similarity to my experiences. I am so sorry you experienced this. 🫂💕 I know how confusing this feels. Just looking for a safe place when you are small, and never finding one. Sending a hug.
This example is precisely what my life was like growing up, the mother being quick to anger and the father being the confidant in private and then taking my moms side when she would be in the room. Currently in a battle with them and even now, my dad thinks I should “come to him first about everything” because I “know how mom is.” I can’t take the back and forth and feeling like I’m secretive. It leads to more isolated feelings. Now everyone mad.
I had my UCLA doctoral diploma framed and gave it to my mother. Her response: "But you're still unmarried." I understand why she was the way she was, but am still (at 70!) figuring myself out. Time is getting short. Thank you.
My prayers for you. But you know, you still could have another 20yrs! I'm 73 and I don't think it's impossible. I don't know what I'd do without my creativity.. it figures huge.. still so much to do and explore. Better late than never, so am enjoying my own time. All the best for the next couple decades!!
I really feel that too. It doesn't matter what I achieve in my life, my mother will never show me support or affection, either. I have completed several qualifications I think she doesn't even know about. I just stopped telling her about my life after a while. You went to UCLA and completed a doctoral diploma. That's absolutely wonderful and I am very proud of you! You put in the work and stuck to it, coming out the other side with great knowledge and a huge achievement. Well done!
I got 99.4% on the English exam at the end of highschool. My mother said "they've sent you the wrong result" and took me to the office to get the "right" one. It was the right one and I loudly said so. She never forgave me for getting a very high mark in my favourite subject. When I tried to show him my confirmed results, my father just gave me a look of disgust and left the room. And then they were shocked when I left home early.
I can absolutely relate! Mom would yell at me as a child - a never-ending stream of anger - I would just shut down. I blocked out hearing and seeing (although I wasn't allowed to close my eyes) - it was like putting on a raincoat against the hail. I actually had to "unlearn" that reaction when I went out into the real world! For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. Until I saw a billboard stating the "Verbal Abuse is also Child Abuse." I had never thought of it that way.
This! My mom actually questioned if I was having absent seizures because I would tune out so completely. The worst was if she realized I wasn't listening because then I would get the "you don't care what I have to say so I might as well not say anything" lecture, followed by the silent treatment.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
This is an accurate description of my childhood environment with a rage-filled parent. I had to squash my personality early on to protect myself and it had a detrimental effect on my life in early adulthood. Therapy has helped so much, but it is a process. Peace to all my other CPTSDer's out there.
Same here. Physical abuse was bad but the emotional abuse left such scars. To this very dat I suffer from off the hook anxiety. But i am truly a survivor. I have found joy and love and purpose. I spend many hours a week caring ( volunteering) with vulnerable and disadvantaged people. I am able to give in abundance the love and acceptance I never had. Himan resilience is a wonderful thing and love is so healing.
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month is using the herbs my herbs completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it. You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
"We emotionally need our day in court about it." That really resonated with me. Therapists tell me "that was then, this is now," and on paper, sure. I get it, logically, that I'm not the same kind of vulnerable that I was when I was young. But there's this giant wound left over from years of neglect/abuse, and I feel like they're asking me to pretend it's not there. I've been thinking about trying to get into group sessions but I have no idea where to start. The groups advertised in my area seem to all have focuses that don't apply to me.
Same bro. I got a little sister and her dad was my abuser, but I can't tell her that. And so I'm all fucked up and she can't and doesn't even want to know why. It makes you feel like shit. Like your feelings are less importaint, even tho it was you who had to be the object of all that rage and pain. It seem unfair, but that's life. I just hope you can find somebody to talk to about it, bc the John Q doesn't seem to want to have like a CPTSD anonymous or WTF ever. ☮
One thing I figured out is that something hurts as long as it hurts. If it hurts, it hurts. And that pain means that it has not healed. Emotions don't work to deadlines or timetables: ours, a family's, a therapist's, members' of a self-help group, whatever. Imagine if, years after having a broken bone, people told you it was in your head or otherwise invalidated you when you said the bone still hurt. You'd ask them where they got their flippin' medical degree (or at least think that at them), and rightly so. NO ONE ELSE is inside you, able to know what you feel. One of our society's pathologies is its emphasis on speed. There's a rush to 'forgive', a rush to 'heal', as though they're academic subjects we can do the homework for, take a test, and be done. Nope. And the deeper the wound, of course the longer it takes. Another way deep emotional injury is akin to a physical wound is, it's not going to heal from the outside, in. In fact, crusting over too soon is guaranteed to cause festering and more pain. Certain wounds _must_ be left open to run and drain as they will, tended and monitored all the maddeningly long while. So, whatever you do, before you talk to anyone else, take a deep breath, claim some space, plant yourself on this Earth, and declare, "I give myself permission to take ALL the time I need to heal _healthily."_
I found out that talk therapy does not do much to heal. It helps it identify pain but any healing I experienced was on my own. For that I need to be home alone and turn attention to my body and most importantly, I need to look at the photograph of little me. I write on a scrap paper whatever thoughts I have ...this peace of paper will be shredded, so there is a free flow...no worries of grammar or punctuation....I was painfully surprised to see the voices of my parents emerged...all the shaming but this time I knew THEY WERE WRONG, not me. I cried for a child I was. The sam day I imagined taking my younger self bye hand I taking responsibility for "her" safety...as if I have now one more child to look after. Best Wishes. Thank you for sharing. I can imagine I hard it is to keep the secret...For many years I was listening to my little sister adoring comments about our uncle, who sexually abused me when I was about 6-7 years old without disclosing my feelings about him....I thought she had a right to enjoy their relationship. But recently, I could not resist. She tried her best to agree "this was not fair" but I could see how she struggled with accepting this information. This is how I realized I need to "tell" my uncle...it is completely irrelevant that he is dead.In fact , now I feel safe. I imagine facing him and telling him how I felt and how I feel now. It was raw and painful and exhausting, but it was also liberating: I got my real voice out of my chest! Be good to yourself. Be kind and protective of yourself and you will heal. One day at the time. Every day. 🙏❤
I'm in my early 20s and this is a habit that has manifested in me rather recently. I often have to stop myself and slow it down a bit and assess things realistically. I never used to be like that.
we are wired to pay more attention to negative occurrences so we can survive..but some of us only remember the negative..I hated my mum..but this woman made me muffins in the morning..left me a note have a good day and five dollars..and yea that is a false memory I made to cope with being hated by my mum..
You have described my physically abusive childhood completely, I was always told that I would never amount to anything, and it was not until I found an occupation that I could excel at that I realised that I COULD do anything that I set my mind to. I am 74, and it took until my 50s before I realised this. I still have flashbacks in some situations, and I don't think it ever really goes away. No therapist can really know, unless they have gone through it themselves.
Amen! That applies to so so so many things. Like many in the medical field these days (no offense to the medical field) but I continue to run into those who are lackadaisical, argumentative, dismissive, accusatory and AND opinionated… Not the type opinion you are seeking from a doctor. It’s o.k. to use past experience to help diagnose? However, even with HIPPA, I’ve been told details about a “comparison” case… it feels like instead of comparing my symptoms; they were merely going to go with the first diagnosis as they glanced at me when they walked in. 😢 Then tell why they are right & I’m wrong. Like they know MY body better than me… An ER Doctor argued with me about the fact that he believed MY tongue WAS NOT swollen. It certainly was! I’d spent 2 days trying to keep it out of my teeth! It’s very painful. As I was discharged, he yelled down the hall, I still believe your tongue IS NOT SWOLLEN! 😢
My mother was abused by her mother and she generously passed that down to us. My father brought his own cornucopia of insanity into the stew. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, narcissism, skewed compasses are rampant among 7 children. I'm starting to believe that schizophrenia is a "protective shield" for one of my brothers. Amid the landmines going off in the war zone that was our "home," he powered down and rebooted in safe mode.
@@scotnick59 Thank you for your kind words. To cope, among many tools, I had intellectualized and also used comedy. Most recently, this book was eye-opening for me: The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van er Kolk. I hope you find answers and healing for yourself and your loved ones.
There are good solutions while one is a paranoid schizophrenic and realizes that one is a paranoid schizophrenic, attachment disordered, bipolar, autistic mess. Heroin, Cocaine, Legal And Illegal Speed, The Hallucinogens, Weed, Hash And All The Other Good Heavenly Drugs WwWorked For 40+ years FfFor MoppyDavy And tThen tThe Heavenly InPowered And MopPet Strengthened And Soldiers In And OoOn To Eternity. Timothy And Philippians In The New Testament King James Authorized Version
I had to screen shot this! That last sentence! It’s exactly why I have down my whole life! U have a way with words that just soothes the thought of the trama and u help break it down. I am grateful I found this video!
Hi sweet savour, this is also happening to me and it is sooooooo tiring, because I cannot locate if I´m just making up things even for myself. What is it like for you? What do you do when this is happening?
@@criscris2691 I'm probably not the person to ask advice of because I come from a super-abusive background and I really struggle on a daily basis to know if anything I do, think or say is okay. Sorry I'm not more help; having a bad day here. I hope you find your answers. 💕
@@sweetsavour6174 I feel so sorry for you having a bad day. I hope I didn´t trigger any additional bad feeling. In fact, I was not even asking for advice, I was just surprised that someone can feel like me...as I´m completely lost about understanding if the things are wrong or right, appropriate or inappropriate. I´ve never met someone having my same problems. A big hug from my side, tons of love dear Sweet Savour and I hope you can receive all you deserve in this life.
@cris cris I too feel like I cannot trust my view. I constantly say this to my therapist. "I don't know if I'm interpreting their comment correctly." Or "maybe I'm overreacting." My therapist assures me emotions are not right or wrong they are just information. I don't know how to understand this statement because if I'm dysregulated and I'm experiencing extreme feelings of despair and doom over a comment my partner said its like how is that emotion giving me information about my present situation? How do I know my emotions are about what is happening right now versus an emotional flashback. It's just impossible. I'm rambling. Does any of this ring true to you?
@@itsspringtime very much so. I have to check things out with people all the time...never trusting they're telling me the truth about their intended meaning. It sucks. I think the information part, at least how I take it, is it's letting me know I still have work to do.
Im so happy that this channel and the crappy childhood fairy are shedding light on this topic. More therapists jumping on board. 🥂 to ending generational cycles
I work in a K-8th grade setting. My goodness, “Houston, we have a problem.” By that I see teachers who rage at students, causing them to freeze, students who are constantly gaslighting each other, students whose shame regulation is way off for just having a small correction on their paper, teachers who shame an entire class for the poor behavior of a couple of students, teachers gaslighting students and the list goes on. All this culminating in a group of high school students reporting to the school board that they have been constantly bullied for being nonbinary and have never felt safe and supported by their school. Yikes! Lots of work to do.
Thank you Patrick for your inclusion of neurodivergent audience members. It's very tricky for us to know what is baseline/innate and what is trauma-induced and sometimes those things are tightly woven together. It's what eases with healing that usually makes it clear, for me at least. As more and more of the younger generation of autistic folk are guided through the world with acceptance and support I think we may one day discover what untraumatised autism looks like, because right now I think it's a rare thing, if it even exists at all.
Yes!!! Thanks for this mention. Spectrum, female, sex abused since infancy, shamed for adult relationships that did not look like Leave It to Beaver family. I am happy now but considered hopelessly broken & failed by family of sperm donors (origin).
I had a crush on a girl who had Asperger's in my University. She came from a supportive family. She didn't strike me as traumatized. She was brutally honest with a heart of gold.
I was attracted to non empathetic "bad" guys. It caused a lot of suffering. Basically I chose narcissistic men because of being raised by a narcissist mother. I had zero perception of the harm these men would cause. It felt "normal " to me. Subsequently I am alone now and feel much better being that way than being in a relationship.
Same! Just started dating again after a couple years off and lots of therapy… met someone I had an instant connection with and instead of being excited I’m holding my breath, waiting to find out he’s another narcissist.
Man, that bit about parents messing up a kids perception by pretending rage is normal...I struggled a bit with my son, but caught myself. I went back and apologized to my six year old for flying off the handle and scaring him. I told him I shouldn't have reacted that way and yelled at him. I explained what i did wrong, promised to try and do better and reminded him I did love him very much. And I have done much better. I know I'm making plenty of my own mistakes, but I'm not going to terrify my child the way I was. I still shut down due to that ptsd, and I don't want him to go through the same thing for a reason I can help. I just did what I wish my parents would have done. Been real that they made mistakes. I get now why they made those mistakes, but when my mom tells me a story about how bad her childhood was and all I want to do is scream ''then why did you do that to me?!'' I just hope my efforts with my kiddo aren't going to waste. Or at least that I won't seem unapproachable when he really needs me.
Good job being the one to break the cycle. If life gets too much for you to handle, be sure to ask for help til you get it. Sometimes overwhelming circumstances throw us into rage response even when we are painfully aware what it's like. Despair and extreme 😩 stress can turn a loving parent into a monster if they too experienced childhood trauma.
I want to commend you for apologizing. Apologizing and genuiningly recognizing what you did was wrong is some of the most helpful things you can do when teaching children. Not only as a moral teacher, but as an emotional one. Its explaing that your emotions werent wrong but your actions to those emotions were. How i wish that my mother ever apologized for all of the things shes done. I know so many abuse survivors and the ones doing the best are the ones whose parents eventually apologized for their actions and were not begging for forgivness. Apologizing right after the fact makes your 10000s of times better than any parents that dont.
It’s so refreshing to read that their are people like me. I struggle with rage and I have had a few moments with my son as well, of just uncontrollable yelling and I’ve had to apologize to my son as well and explain just what you said. I was wrong. That was one thing my mom never did was apologize. She was brutally abused by her mom physically and I’m sure her mom had rage. My mom was very loving though but she had rage BUT she would hardly apologize, I remember just always feeling like everything was my fault. And now I’m catching myself with my son, I’m choosing a different way. It’s been difficult but I hope my son will notice my efforts and I hope I don’t “ruin” him 😢
Continue to work on your self awareness and having integrity in your relationships both with your kid and other adults. Your son will grow up with the perspective that you are human (we all are) - and in many ways that is much better than a kid who puts their parent on a pedestal. Great job!
@@DixeyRay I was talking to someone on cptsd reddit, specifically about they had a dying parent and how they wished that parent would just apologize once, just recognize their behavior before they died, and its really too much to expect from an abusive parent that has rationalized their abuse to themselves. I shared my story about how the death of an abusive parent brings an awkward silence, the abuse is over, when people say "they are in a better place" I kind of get it, maybe a different meaning, but all the weight of being a miserable pos has been lifted from them, finally.
Grew up from age 1 to 15 in a domestically violent home which included incest, and extreme emotional trauma. I'm now 52 dealing with having been triggered about 3 yrs ago and the walls came crashing down that I had built around anger and fear. Slowly learning how to love myself for the first time in my life... that I've learned ive lived making irrational choices based on disregulated disassociated emotional state.
I can very much relate to this. Domestic abuse and severe neglect and threats of abandonment. I'm 49 but recently had a triggering event that crashed those same walls of anger and fear. It was in the form of a loving relationship. I couldn't handle her love and I pushed her away. I realized if I was capable of sabotaging something that wonderful that I needed more help than I ever suspected. I started a lot of therapy 3 months ago and feel it's helping a lot. Maybe it's time our walls came down. what do you think, Melissa? :)
Ugh, the story about the cop was so relatable. My dad would say I was being ‘defiant’. Sucks when you’re abused and all the adults around you pretend they don’t see it or threaten you more. Thanks for sharing. I learn so much.
I ran away when I was 16, and my father took me to court. He listed “rebellious child” on my paperwork. I never knew of the term CPTSD before this. I’ve discovered the sudden crying jags in elementary through high school were anxiety/panic attacks.
I have been so disowned by my dad's side of family for divulging the sexual abuse, they did not even tell me when the aunts and uncles died.....people I loved dearly. Sexual abuse was better than the physical viloence and fear I lived with. I am so alone and want a mate so badly but mate would have to tolerate my C ptsd.
@@voyeurette1 Hopefully you will get the trauma therapy before you get into a relationship,so the cycle isn't repeated. And stay away from those abusive relatives who reinforce tramas.
I was deemed the worthless child. My sister abused me right along side my parents. As an adult logically I understand yet emotionally it still hurts. It’s challenging to feel self worth for sure. Growing up being blamed and shamed, always put down, physically , emotionally, verbal abuse certainly does a number on a person. Thanks for speaking about this. ✌🏻
Your history is similar to mine My sister was also a bully inaddition to my male parent. My mother enabled his emotional and physical abuse and dished out some of her own -like it was they v the children. My parents are dead now . I cannot grieve my mother because she shouldve stopped him raging thumping and hitting us. I really dont think she was interested. In adulthood, my sister wreaks havoc still. Having suffered trauma/abuse herself she has translated the raging , insulting and gaslighting and devaluing from our childhood to everyone around her, particularly her children . I agree this post is a very useful exploration of where Ive come from and why I am where I am now: depression anxiety social anxiety mistrust , unable to maintain close relationships, fear isolation self doubt "in a vacuum" with no way to navigate reality. With this post I see how and why my reality may be distorted, and I think it is beyond retrieval.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
I am now 71, my Sis is 72, and we rarely speak. Being near me gives me great anxiety. She was perfect, I had some issues, thus the worthless child. I was shocked when we talked several years ago, and she still says that I could have controlled myself at 3, when I’d have temper tantrums and bang my head on the floor. Are you kidding me??? She listed everything I did wrong as an elementary kid! She was always perfect, and says I had all the fun! Really? I hold nothing in my heart about anyone in my family. I loved them all, and still do.
I had the experience of a raging abusive step-father. I was about to turn 15 and my mom promised she'd finally leave him; I was thrilled. She arrived to pick me up from school and subsequently told me they reconciled; happiness was replaced by despair and it wasn't much longer before I had a complete nervous breakdown.
My mom left when I was around 13; but, they reconciled. We were gone for a week. Mom was convinced that children were better off with a father. They had a toxic relationship! It definitely would have been better to stay apart for our sake! I cried & begged her not to go back!
my mom had a boyfriend that moved in about 2 months after they met he was molesting me for a year and I hadn't caught on because I was so young and didn't understand when I finally figured it out I had told my mom he was doing it and she said she'll take care of it two weeks later he was still living with us and I approached her and she said it's okay we went to counseling and he admitted it which was obviously a lie because he would have been arrested, I went to the school counselor I was taking from by CPS and placed in receiving home then in foster homes where I was also abused this is only maybe 1% of the bad stuff I went through, everything this guy has said has been spot on good job!
I had to live with a raging, abusive foster-mother! From about 4 years old to 18 years old. I ended up in Topeka Mental Hospital. I'm pretty fine now - all things considered!
That’s a definite tell tale sign that you were left out, unrecognized, never welcomed with open arms unconditionally, needing to fix others feelings in order to be liked or given “ a pass” into friendship with them. Like constantly needing to earn or prove worthiness every single time. Yes, I was gaslit constantly. Sad. Always judged.
I mourn what my life could have been if I had timely help to work through the childhood trauma that I experienced. I encourage you to get the proper help. Peace is so precious and it is never too late to find it.
I could have been a good, productive and perhaps, happy person. I just know it. Not a desperately poor, physically and emotionally unwell screw-up. I can't see any way out. Just waiting. I'm 59 years old now. Not too much longer to go. I so hope and pray that there is some kind of 'Being' out there. That way I can meet up with everybody and everything I love and maybe we can all just love each other and be happy. Not a care in the world. I've never had that. There has got to be another, better place than this. The alternative is simply too much for me to bear.
@@ladywolfwolf Hi lady. Reading your comment made me tear up. At 25 I feel the same way you do at 59. You just described my entire baseline existence to a t. Except for the whole meeting up with loved ones bit because I have nobody. Even my dogs abandoned me. I hope things get better for us.
So if you have a child going thru this what would you tell the caregiver to do /not do. WHAT HELPS TO STAY STABLE. WHAT HELPS WHEN ANGER COME PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO HELP MY CHILD!!!! It's so hard to get into a therapy program that's for TRAMA! Unless you been their it's like no one gets it!!
My heart absolutely goes out to each and every single one of you out there who has been abused, especially as a child ! I'm so very sorry ! I pray you all get the deep healing you need, as much as can possibly be had in this life. My deepest love goes out to you ALL ! ❤🙏🏽❤
Me too God Bless each child that has went Thur child hood Trama payday is Coming for people who has done this Children Are God precious Gift . He will Act upon this 🙏🎚️❤️
I had two *very* similar experiences with the police and my parents when I was a teenager. Each experience depleted what little sense of "this isn't my fault" I had left.
I am 34yrs old and I don't remember being a child. I feel like I have always been an "adult". I was always made to feel like everything was my fault and it was a mistake that I was born (my father loved to tell me that). I remember for the longest time I would tell my "You're a bad person, no one loves you and you make everyone around miserable." Thankfully after being in therapy I haven't had that thought on repeat.
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on TH-cam, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help
I can relate to this. Always being an adult as my mom checked out a d left it to me. Used to have a recurring dream about a huge puzzle I had to put together, pieces so big I could barely hold them. When I put it in tje wrong place a voice would scream at me, No! Wrong!
This is most Gen-X experience I know, including me. We dealt with life on our own with parents adjusting to the “new normal” of the post-nuclear family. I was expected to be the “mom” of a single father household at the ripe age of 11. My dad had a crush on all my female friends. I finally ran away when I was 16, rescued by my mom, and did a hard re-start on my life. Rebounded on a abusive early marriage. Single for decades until I could even consider a close personal relationship again. Even now, I can’t deal with anyone else’s stresses. I can barely handle my own. I haven’t been able to sleep an entire night undisturbed for decades.
I am so sorry you got stuck with your father. after your parent's divorce. Awarding father's custody is now becoming the norm even if they are pedophiles, practicing addicts or have just been released from prison. I have not seen my daughter since 1997. I doubt very much if she has been able to deal with anything that happened while she was with her father. Glad you were able to get help for yourself. Keep on keeping on. I believe there will come a night where you will sleep well.
My mother was emotionally unregulated from her own cptsd and as a result I ended up being her emotional support system for as long as I can remember being able to hold a conversation. I was the friend she vented to when the was upset or angry, especially with my own father who spent most of my life underway in the navy, but otherwise I remember always being loved and supported in things, never physically abused in any way, and very often got what I wanted. Growing up I knew kids who weren't lucky enough to have both their parents or the parents they did have were restrictive or physically or verbally abusive, and that created a long term perception that my parents were perfect and I was very lucky to grow up with them together and both supporting me, but now as an adult with a short temper that leads to intense rage followed by crippling shame, as an adult who feels responsible for the emotions of every single person I lend an ear to, as an adult who put up with with a miserable 3 year relationship with someone who I was more of a therapist and caretaker to than a partner, learning things like this is a major eye opener
Furthermore a lot of that perceived support was a constant reinforcement from my mother that I was so mature and responsible and immediately good at every single thing I did, which over time resulted in an inability to stick with anything that had a real learning curve because if I'm not good at it right away then I just can't do it, and that folded over into vocal disappointment from her for never committing to or accomplishing anything in the form of "you were so good at [blank] when you were younger why don't you still..." Why haven't you made any progress, why haven't you created anything etc.
Thank you.. i always felt i had such good parents why do i feel lik i hav this trauma .. thank you putting this feeling into words.. now i see what happened exactly..
@@ChatookaMusic mate that’s crazy, you’ve just described exactly what I’ve come to realise about myself recently. Good to see we’re not alone aye, all the best on your journey to a healthy mind and getting control over those emotions. ❤️
If only you knew how much I can relate to this. I’m now 45 and realise how much being parentified by my parents impacted my mental and emotional wellbeing. So much so, I still don’t know how to have reciprocal relationships. I tend to attract emotionally demanding people and/or feel paranoid of being perceived as such. There’s this strong fear of showing vulnerability because I never felt safe to do so around my parents. Not because they were horrible people but more so because I learned from a very young age that they could barely cope with their own problems, why burden them unnecessarily. Now that I’m a mother myself, it would break my heart if my kids would try to protect me by dismissing their needs. Thank you for sharing your story and all the best to you. ❤
@@ChatookaMusic holy shit that's very much the details of my relationship with my late mother and my inability to commit to anything because... That. I've had a couple partners think I would be non committal to the relationship or that I was screwing around on the side where absolutely I was not and I would not... But I had friction because I didn't answer questions about my plans to do or not do something in the near future also and because they had trauma from previous lifetime with family or partners I had two guys suspect just I needed to keep my weekend schedule open in case anyone better called with something more interesting than whatever they were planning? No. But I see how it looks like it could be this. And my mom always brought up the couple of areas I was above average in as a child asking me what made me lose interest in the piano the other languages I spoke etc
It has taken me 49 years of life to figure out that I was raised in a very abusive household. It has affected every relationship that I've ever been in. Emotionally disregulated, narcissistic parents are to blame. I tried to complain to my teachers in elementary school and throughout my young adulthood, but I was shamed and forced to endure them. Now I have had to cut off my father of 85 because he still verbally abuses me....... I'm done with it, now I have to fix myself!
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Oh Gosh that's tough, I have been toying with the idea of cutting off my Mother, but she's got a foothold in with me via my daughter..and has caused alot of grief in my family life..she is damaged.and my ex the same..my daughter only has me..and I'm damaged but aware of it..and mostly emotionally regulated, when not triggered..my daughter is becoming abusive to me now mirroring the behaviours of 2 dominant personalities in her upbringing.
This was so triggering for me. It's weird to hear someone understand what life was like for me and giving my younger version some compassion for getting through it. I tend to tell myself " it wasn't that bad" "I'm making it a big deal" "I'm just wanting attention" but listening to this and the feelings, emotions it's triggering is letting me know " yes it was that bad and you survived and to not get mad at myself when I get depressed/ disassociate.
I think that there is always going to be someone who had it worse than us, but don't forget, this is you, and it was bad. And I guess we can say "at least it wasn't this, or that thing didn't happen", and maybe we should just be thankful it wasn't worse, but still, not downplay it.
Just found this channel.. you are right.. I found it difficult to listen but forced myself to listen. Read the comments and related to what you wrote. I’m glad I’m not the only one. There’s a lot of us. I’m in the twilight zone of my life still struggling but also grateful that I have a very supportive and “normal” husband. My only fear now is that I hope I did not do any damage to my children. I tell them sorry that sometimes my “mother comes out of my mouth”! 😢 Thanks for your comment. Let’s both hang in there.
My family had a limited palette of emotions: angry, not that angry, scared, bored and disappointed. I knew. other emotions existed, but I had never seen them in reality
Same. Its a very limited, base level range of emotion and happy to keep it thst way. My famy have happy, sad (usually with a side of tantrum or what about me) Angry, tired, Hungry. Basically The Sims 1.
@@AMcDub0708 if you mean my parents, bio father suffered from Peter pan syndrome. Step father had a horrifically abusive and neglectful mother. He raised most of his siblings and treated me like his own from age 1, when he was just 17 himself. His immaturity presented more prominently as he aged ans especially after "The Mother", split split from him. "The Mother" herself didn't win any prizes in the father department. He was hard working and social, but a chronic gambler and skirt chaser. As for "the Mothers" mum, she was the most incredible woman I've ever known. There was so much good, love, light inside that woman, she should have had an entire solar system orbiting her. She was the only other empathy in the family. The only one who felt anything beyond selfish base desires and reactions. How something so vile, came from a woman, who literally ws the inbodiment of unconditional limitless love puzzles me to this day. Though I do imagine it was something akin to that chest bursting scene from Alien, you know the jack in the box like, jump scare as the evil frees itself from its nest. . . Yea, something like that I believe.
I question my reality everyday & feel guilty about detaching myself from my family. But when I watch your videos I feel reassured, validated & like I might actually be able to heal from this. Thank you so much, keep up the great work!
I remember walking to school in 3rd grade wishing my parents would divorce . So much anger and hostility, then they both started turning on me to vent about each other or their life. When I finally got the nerve to tell my friends father, I watched my dad and him chit chat about “unruly women, including daughters.” I lost all my hope that day.
How terrible 💔 I can't recall any specific instances but I know repeatedly hearing this kind of thing cut me deeply as well. Here's to working on healing 🥂
How awful for you, @TanjiroKamado. I survived a rageahoic dad and a passive martyr mom. Sixty years on, I have grown, both away from my family and more into a woman that I actually like. I still experience trust issues, but have learned to mostly trust myself at least.
Omg you have described me down to a tea. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse my whole childhood. I am such a broken person still at 50. I lost my twin to suicide. I'm an alcoholic I am bipolar I have complex ptsd, insomnia out of body experiences the list goes on. I've been under psychiatric care 18yrs. My mother supported and participated in the abuse. I went to the police at 30 and my father was convicted with my mother completely supporting him and blaming me. Last year my mother said the wrong twin died. I was in therapy 9yrs but it didn't help I take 8 different medications every day. My health is horrendous. There is so much pain. I have regressed and am barely functioning. I rarely leave the house and now I rarely leave my bed. My father died 4yrs ago and my mother died 5months ago. I honestly thought I would feel free when they died its made me worse. I do forgive them because this abuse is historical, the family cycle. I am intelligent I know the nightmare I went through wasn't my fault but why do I feel bad for sending my father to prison and what I put them through. The last conversation I had with my mother she finally told me she loved me I waited 50yrs to hear that. I am so lost. Sorry for rambling but I don't think its an accident I found this video. Thank you so much xx
Man- some really tough stuff! Im sorry that the people who should have helped you feel safe did these things to you out of their own apparently uncontrollable pain. Terrible terrible stuff you have endured. For your mom to tell you that it should have been you who died? That has to be one of the most hurtful damaging things that a parent can do. Oh my God! You say you are lost so i had to take a minute to write to you. Without knowing you at all so i realize im taking a leap but It sounds like you need a plan. whether its join a gym or lace up and hit the streets for a short run , clean and polish your sink, or even just getting outside... ANY small "win" of forward movement. You need some wins! If and when you decide on a "Game Day" , throw back your bedsheets in the morning, with purpose get out of bed, and proclaim out loud that Its a new day and that a new sheriff is in town! I say this with love but right now you are buying into the victim role all on your own. Rise to the challenge of getting up and out of that bed. And know its going to not feel good at first. Or it feels good at first but in a month it sucks when it loses its novelty. But on the other side of that is where the gold lies. Creating new patterns and habits. I have had to do this and yes i fall. and i get up and start again. and fall some more. and i get up. I win because i keep getting up. If you dont have any kind of social system in place it will be hard too because no one will be there to validate you and support you and see the changes but you just have to keep lacing up your shoes and continuing with your plan. Re-define yourself even at 50 your allowed to do that! (Im older:) Good Luck to you I hope you find it in yourself to get out of bed
re: ''and what I put them through.'' You put conscienceless people through nothing at all. They require scapegoats to continue wearing masks of perfection to themselves and others. Deceit is their very breath. At some point, we--the victims--must put on ''new glasses'' to see that we've been robbed of the true people we are. And if we actually were just like them, we'd be all the things they are. Inside, you've proven you are courageous, protective of their victims, believe in true justice, truthful, and decent. Our moms must have been ''related.'' I ended up with my mom's ashes. I finally realize that If she couldn't love me while alive, there's no way she's going to love me now that she's dead. Two siblings are dead now. After reading what you wrote, I think it's time the larger part of our family and I release her ashes to the place she loved. So thank you for your honesty.
OMG thank you for calling well adjusted people magical unicorns. When I read about attachment styles it said that over 50% of people are safely attached and I just don't know where these people are and it made me feel like more of an outlier. Saying in this case that the 'ideal situation' is actually quite rare, made me feel so comfortable.
I was the peacekeeper of the house as a child, so all of this 100% resonates with me and I'm working with my therapist to overcome it. I remember being yelled at a lot as a child for trying to stop the constant arguing and fighting between my mom and dad, and my mom and grandmother. I never realized it was never my job to begin with, but strangely enough, that behavior actually saved my life because it gave me purpose, even though I was unsuccessful 90% of the time.
This is maybe the best video on childhood trauma I have ever seen. I’m crying. I recently found a therapist who I truly believe will be able to help me. She works at the VA hospital, specifically with trauma victims, and on my first visit she dove right into the narcissistic abuse and the abandonment trauma. This week we are discussing the EMDR she is going to take me through. And then the next week, I start the therapy. I want to show this to her. I’m only at the end of #1, and this man has essentially just described my life, with not one word out of place or irrelevant. Instant subscriber. Feeling the need for people to understand me and GET me is a large part of the trauma. And I am always sending quality videos to people, knowing most of them don’t care at all. That’s really all I focus on these days. I live in the vacuum.
wanna be video exchanging buddies? bcz I felt the same and quit sending and began just posting to my FB..where friends unsubscribe from my page bcz of "all negative stuff" I'm posting. turns out those who feel it's negative are the NARCISSISTS! ..it was like I was indirectly calling them out. as soon as they got me isolated the SHTF! .. OMG .. never allow anyone relative to isolate you - I'm sure they're the worst.
Every hero in a story is a child trauma survivor. It’s why they begin their journey as an orphan in some way, shape, or form. And it’s true in story because it’s true in us. Great video!
Thank you so much for your videos. I unfortunately, like many others, cannot afford what you’re giving us. For you to just tell us these things is very generous. In the past, when I was able to afford treatment, it was never this understandable for me. You break it down to a simplicityI can learn and apply to my life. I have gotten much more from this “free” knowledge than any thing I was forced to pay for. Again thank you soooooo much!!
That's what I find. There are no therapists who can work on this level with regard to ACNA. I stopped trying years ago, and the online therapists are so expensive and not covered by insurance. I think it is the fault of the educational system. I had never heard the word narcissist until I was around 45 years old, and I'm 60. I started therapy at the age of 19. Had I known any of this, my life could have been so much better. Instead, I blamed myself for 45 years, even after having a nervous breakdown.
It is sad that in America, the so called greatest nation on Earth, only the rich or the lucky who have good insurance are entitled to health. Everyone else is at the window looking in. Like hungry children.
@@IIcorrinthians519 Your story is similar to mine. Once I figured things out (the word/meaning of narcissist for example) I read and searched for all the information I could find to make sense of how I felt and what I experienced. Once I found the words and realized what I went through had a name, and I wasn't alone, I could then move forward living a life where I was not all the terrible things I'd been told I was, and that I, in fact, am pretty damn awesome :) . I also had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. The way I look at it is that once it all fell to pieces, I could then pick them up and put them where they rightly belonged. Hugs to you
I have never in my life, come across a channel which describes everything and anything about how I feel as a wounded adult. Your wording fits perfectly with everything some of us have been through in life.
I spent five weeks in a psych hospital following profound depression and a point where I was really drawn to suicide but called my therapist. The big take away was the moment in a group time when I realized I didn’t have my own feelings. My parents told me how to feel and I accommodated. I remember the moment by eyes got big with realization, I signaled to a nurse and ran out of the room. She followed me and I was able to tell her. At first I thought I might forget but after sharing it I knew I never would. In my forties then, seventies now and it is a clear memory and I am still respectful of my feelings and will stand up for them if needed.
As an adult I'm still that lost little girl inside. I'm always trying to please others and am extremely empathetic. I literally know no other way to be. It's hard to shut off. I'm always trying to "rescue" others and trying to "fix" them. It's so emotionally draining.
@@Elizabeth-qu6ib Thank you I think when our soul, spirit needs are not met it makes us empathic. We know what we didn’t get. Maybe this is also true for you but for me finding empathy for the little girl within has been the hardest. It’s been thirty years since the time I wrote about and only in the last year I can sometimes see/feel compassion and support for the alone little girl. Blessings for your heart and soul.
Every single video that I watch of yours is like a breath of fresh air. You've helped me put a name to and understand so many things that I struggle with in such a gentle and non-judgmental way. I also appreciate that you focus more on the thought/emotional/physiological processes of the survivor rather than the abuser in contrast to a lot of other childhood trauma podcasts out there. It's so helpful and so validating. ❤
Working on my C-PTSD over the last seven years I have subconsciously learned to emotionally distinguish between trauma caused by my alcoholic rage-full parent which caused disconnection, overt anxiety and terror, and the trauma caused by my covert narcissist parent where the damage was deliberate, targeted and malicious. Strangely even though the overt rages and unpredictability were terrible and caused awful numbness and seriousness/intensity, the deepest body chilling, shaking terror was caused by the malice which felt (and still feels) very personal. For me it is by far the hardest damage to recover from.
@@lisad8524 I have even wondered how much my mother’s behaviour added to my father’s alcoholism. I married a narcissist and was with him for twenty five years. I know what that did to me, and looking back I can see the speedy but gradual eroding of my father’s joy in life until there was only an angry paranoid raging man left.
Thank you I feel the same way. I havent heard many people talk about that malice. I dated a sociopath who tried to damage me psychologically as much as he could over the course of 2yrs. Any insecurity I let him know about, he made worse. He was calm, cool and collected when he made my worst nightmares come true. Seeing that malice in his eyes at the end was horrible. It definitely haunts me more deeply than other abuse I've been through though all abuse is awful. Thank you for your comment❤
This guy's videos are also helpful. They are mostly about scapegoatted children, but he frequently will say, "or as an adult in an abusive relationship".
@@nina-mill it’s that malice that stays with us I think, that makes it feel more personal even though we just happen to be the (current) target. Good luck with your healing and in finding a safe place in your heart where you know you are enough whatever anyone does. ❤️❤️
Beyond what a child's nervous system can handle...I've sometimes said my little circuits were fried as a child...too much when I was too little...thank you for putting it in better words...and thank you for helping all of us who are still hurting to better understand our life experiences in a way that may allow us to heal a little and move forward in better shape ❤
"Circuits were fried". Omg, yes! You put that perfectly! When your circuits are fried, you can't do anything. You have just enough energy to survive the day, and that's it.
I said to my husband about my family " Am I crazy?" Then I switched. "You know what? You're not crazy and you see it. I can hang my hat on that whether I see correctly or not ". So reassuring when you really have people worthy of trust. I have created a second family of people whose perception I trust not to take power over me and it saves my life.
Talking about triggers to the vacuum response: I am an American living in Scotland and married to a British guy, meaning I have thousands of miles of space from my parents (which suits me!) but not a lot of space from his, who live in the south of England - not *close* but certainly not an unassailable difference. This spring, while visiting us, his parents mentioned that they would like to move to within an hour from us and my immediate intense response was dread and claustrophobia. However, when I had some time to think and reflect, I realised that that reaction was not borne out of who his parents actually are and what our relationship is with them, but was instead coming from a place of trauma. It was such a massive learning moment for me! My husband and I are going to have a discussion with his parents about boundaries and expectations and trauma because transparency in those types of things are so important to me. Plus, I owe it to them to be open about how my initial reactions are not always what I actually want. I am actually looking forward to them moving closer!
The book he mentions, John Bradshaw's Homecoming is a book he has mentioned previously. I read it and am now rereading it. This book has had a profound effect on me and my interpretation of my past. I can't recommend it enough.
I cannot stress enough and say that you have to be one of the top TH-camr/ psychologist who speaks in a way that people understand and really really get what is going on. You are amazing. May God bless you with many years to do the work that you do.
I cried while I watched this. I spent the first 40-some years of my life not knowing other people felt these things and that the ways I coped were common. I still blame myself for everything in my day to day life. I’m stupid, too fat to be loved, I’m “too sensitive”. I have a great therapist, a medication that helps me be able to be myself and enjoy life more, and a wonderful daughter who gives me endless support.
Wow, I can really see myself in all of these. (And I was one of the children who was raged at until I left my body, so I'm grateful you brought up that!)
I have to go back and watch that video because I missed that part and thought that I was the only one that happened to. I’d never heard anyone else talking about it!
To be joyful as a child when you’re around miserable adults, yep! I find I often temper my enthusiasm as an adult around miserable adults, and it took listening to this to realize it. Great talk! Created a lot of clarity. Thank you!
I liken my experience of childhood trauma as "paper doll syndrome". My siblings and I were the paper dolls in someone else's playtime. We were not allowed to be human beings or have emotions. Only the owner of the paper dolls was allowed to display its feelings as anger and physical abuse. I was the little adult trying to keep my siblings from "causing" us all more abusive outbursts. Sadly, nothing I did or did not do was ever going to change the hell we lived in.
Your description of the vacuum relational experience just blew my mind! It's so hard to trust your own reality after having it questioned so much. Someone can treat you like complete crap and you'll still want a second opinion on them. But that's the thing - we shouldn't feel like we need a second opinion just to set boundaries and protect ourselves. I always felt like other people's opinions were more "objective" than mine, but that isn't even true. There is no "objective reality" about how another person is, only our judgement and other people's judgement. And when it comes down to it, I'd rather make decisions based on how I truly feel than about what is "objective" but makes me feel like crap. I think as people with trauma we tend to be overly accommodating of others and leave ourselves in the dust, so it's become really important to me to think about how I feel and what I want before automatically compromising or putting up with things I don't need to. Really grateful for these videos!
"I think as people with trauma we tend to be over accomodating and leave ourselves in the dust.". 💯👍🏻😭 And here's another thing: we use our talents, never recognized or supported by parents, to help others, but not ourselves. I've done this my whole life, and I'm 76. Only now am I starting to claim my talents for myself. There's tremendous grief about that, and resentment too that I've never been able to banish because I came to my realization so late in life in spite of people around me who referred to it. EG: "Why do settle for the crumbs when you could have the whole cake?" My first therapist, who helped me and taught me so much, said I reminded her of the little match girl. For the most part, except for a few things, I see my life as wasted. I think a lot of people with trauma feel like that when they eventually --if ever-- wake up to what they have squandered. I feel so much shame about my resentment because one is so barraged with the message of, Stop Blaming Your Parents, or Get Over It. What if you just can't get over it even though you've tried for half a century?
Omg I'm resonating so much with number 3 it hurts lol. When I first started doing inner work one of the things I noticed is how angry and upset I'd be if someone had a different perspective on someone I didn't like.... felt like I was personally being attacked. Took me a long time to trust my own dislike without needing it validated by others. Thanks for sharing this... relieving to know its not just me that experiences it.
How I cried since I am validated enough and even named what I am experiencing. It’s really hard to function in today’s society as a childhood trauma survivor. I am masking a lot of things since I gone to university and need to function as a good student but that’s so overwhelming at times because I have compromised emotional imbalanced and every thing that he mentions. Now I’m becoming more aware of who I am and I am a childhood trauma survivor. I couldn’t help but to become more aware of my reality and by that I could start my journey to healing and love.
I had to totally rewire my brain and stay single to take just a few steps to healing from a traumatic life. I was raised in abuse and trauma and than married a very abusive man. I finally chose life and self love . Thank you for you video It's nice to have my feelings validated It helps. I only cried like 18 times watching this.
I recently moved out my narcissistic mother's house. She has been telling lies and trying to get my address even when I expressly told her I didn't wanted to. I noticed it that I react to any loud noises in my apartment in fear of it being her opening the door while enraged, and me getting ready to be screamed at. She also always called me a dirty, dirty lazy b..tch so I believed it. To the point I believed I couldn't mantain or take care of chores and clean my house by my own, and resigning to having a cleaner one every so often. Turns out I can do it by my own and in pretty good. Managing my chronic illness and clean the apartment is pretty easy for me. So yeah I have been proud of myself lately
You can do this, have you gone no contact with her or any possible flying monkeys too?? Give yourself the first foremost benefit of the doubt, have a power plan, even rehearse if that happened where she found you. what you CAN do in your power. it will help you feel equipped.
Being an 18 year old single child, there are many incidents in my life where I felt vacuum relational experience.it was so weird and recently when I tried to explain these with one of my friend,I felt she was so invalidating.she told me you are just overacting,overthinking and there is nothing like that. Anyway big thanks for this vedio...I never had someone telling me these feelings are true😇
This entire episode was a revelation to me. I was gaslit from birth and always felt (or made to feel) awkward, and indeed was rejected by my cousins and bullied by other kids, and overly scrutinized by my parents but never validated. I'm in my 60s and still suffer the after effects despite several rounds of therapy. Each helps a little more. Your videos give me a great, validating framework through which to seek help again and know what to focus on. Thank you.
@@vaudwanhandley9277 that's my view as well. I also want a healthy relationship with with a man and to have a healthy marriage. I want a collection of good friends men and women. I will be a while. But, I will not let "them" control me longer than it takes to heal.
Your comment could have been mine, if I could have found the words. I've been looking for some form of reference framework all my life. These videos are the closest I have ever found.
While I couldn't "escape" my narcissistic, abusive (single) mother, I distinctly remember the moment and exactly where I stood in the bedroom of the duplex we lived in, and consciously determined, unequivocally, that I HATED my mother. I couldn't define it then, but I fully recognized in that moment that she was toxic, abusive, and a danger to me, and that she didn't love or want me. I was aged 6 or 7. I wanted to say it out loud, but fortunately, I didn't. The dynamics never changed for the balance of the 18 years we were under the same roof. I prompted a reconciliation in the later years of her life after she had "grown up" quite a bit and had long since quit drinking. That was a good move for both of us, but of course the damage was done.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
I split from her as far back as I could remember. As a twin she stated I was HERS while my twin sis was MY DADs. But I remember screaming whenever she held me and finding peace and safety in my fathers arms. Not long ago when old photo albums were discovered, images of my emotional states were apparent from infancy. Needless to say, my views didn't bode well for my future w a narc raging mom who required limitless adulation, worship and power. Childhood was most often HELL. My fear and anger at her was never in question, but required my staying silent as I seethe inside. At 12 y old I decided I would never pass this hatred on to another human. At 26 I had a tubal ligation. At 62 I honestly attest this was the most pure, honest, rational and altruistic decision I could have made. Good wishes and Love to all those with whom this story reads familiar to their own childhoods ❤ Life can improve, if you're willing to do the work 😊
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
so much relatable comments. i was also around 6 or 7 when i realised i hate my mother and that she was in the wrong. I even told some people she isnt my mother. I felt that it was some monster holding me hostage not a mother
The most difficult part is how much I identify with these, yet "normal" people never seem to get you. They think you are nuts. I do take things too seriously and don't get red flags and have such a battle going on with perception of myself. Thank you for more clarity and understanding.
Exactly! Many ppl don't care and don't understand. They maybe never will. But we know better. And just know that I know what you feel like. And many of us abuse victims do.
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month is using the herbs my herbs completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it. You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
After looking at Aspergers spectrum tests online, I noticed that symptoms of abuse look like some of those symptoms. Not meeting eyes, being isolated, not having friends or being active in school, lack of affect .....
My doctor decided to treat the symptoms rather than get bogged down in what it was or wasn’t. Childhood trauma js definitely present but was presenting similar to ADHD or ASD, so I have an adderall prescription now that was life changing. I felt emotions. I had never felt joy before, ever. I’m a career classical pianist because it’s the only thing that my parents could “brag” about to random strangers but I’d never felt joy while playing. Apparently normal people enjoy music? Weird. Anyway, on adderall I actually enjoyed playing the piano for the first time ever after nearly 30 years of playing through the torture. It was heartbreaking to realize that I’d been robbed of this emotion that comes automatically for other people.
This, to me is the most accurate description of literally all the ways I cope (coped) with the trauma of having a dysfunctional family life growing up. I am now 68 yrs old, and to this day still "go inside my head" to feel somewhat safe.
His herbs have helped my child improve in his speech and social skills using his herbs I got the herbs after 5days as he said. And got the instructions of use from his too with the package After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month of using the herbs my child completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it. He is back to school now and I’m happy 😃 You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Thanks Patrick for being here on TH-cam. I'm a marine infantry combat veteran who's 26 years old. The only way I could become aware of my childhood issues was having my first psychotic episode lasting 2 weeks and waking up with a PTSD diagnosis in the hospital last spring. Had 2 dissasoications since, and currently am on cbd to sustain debilitating physical symptoms trying to keep away from meds unless i have no choice. Your work and personal experience on here has been motivating to see you do inspires me to keep on going seeing how far you've come. Everyday physically and emotionally hurts and no telling if I'll get fired or bumped out of school again having more out of body symptoms again but the channel has been huge to get through the months at least to learn something waiting on therpay right now is great. I too work in healthcare as a EMT and am a nursing student atm even though I enjoy psychology a lot now. Thank you.
Being chill on the outside and on the inside having a fire, leaving my body, extreme anxiety about making mynute mistakes, and coming off as intense without realizing it, constantly being and feeling isolated, afraid to express emotions to parents, all of it describes my life. And it doesn't help when the trauma prevents you from making any friends or supportive groups. I gave up trying to make friends ever since I was stood up by 16 people, we were supposed to have a group dinner
Those people. ..like most of the ones I choose, are assholes. 😐 though the pain they cause hurts, we are better off without them.🙄 I'm pretty much a hermit and would rather be alone than with cruel people. Hopefully 1 day we will feel comfortable with healthy good people. ☺
so sorry. Their behavior, not yours, is abnormal. They were bullies, or at least two were, to eadily herd the willing sheep. I bet at least one of them feels bad for doing this. When they have kids of their own, who are victims, it will dawn on them; the harm caused. They will feel remorse then. The best you can do, is thrive like it didn't matter, even though it does, to show them how insignificant their rejction is; in that you make it clear to them that theur approval means nothing to you. Did they discover that you showed up? Did you ever tell even one of them your hurt? Well, I can assure you, things have or will happen to them to cause each of those individuals to reflect. Only the psychos among the 16 will justify their actions. Not all of them are psychos, just weak individuals. You, the recipient of such unkindness, are not weak like them. God bless.
Oh no, that must have been horrible for you! I'm so sorry that happened - I would have been unable to cope. Your strength is truly amazing. Hugs to you.
My mom always down played how abusive my father was to her and us kids. Later on in my life my dad significantly improved. But my mother became the abusive one. And she downplayed her own abuse. This is definitely why I feel like I have no idea what’s going on ever. I don’t trust myself at all. It helps to know why I struggle with this though. Thank you.
I have been working on my healing from CPTSD for a long long time. You are the first person to describe the vacuum relational experience...spot on and it's a way I feel a lot when triggered..makes So much sense but the most life affirming point here is the NO ONE has seen me in this way or understood the loneliness I feel when this happens until you described this and for that, I am eternally grateful to you. I have particular appreciation for CPTSD practitioners who have also experienced it because it makes the recover work richer in my opinion, thank you!
I notice that since anger was one of the first repressed emotions I 'unearthed' during my recovery, I started out by being quick to anger a lot without having a moment's pause. I would feel panic and want to hide, but the gateway to my anger was now open, and I'd go to 5 or a 10 sometimes. Because of this video I realize that half the time, those high-emotion moments were *actually* repressed disgust or shame. They sort of amplified the anger bc they were shunted into that one avenue to be expressed. I think it's so powerful to see this on a graph and think about what emotions could be more encouraged to just exist. Thank you Patrick.
Woah. I have always assumed that I have low self-esteem because I am greatly affected by what you’ve described as the “perception problem.” Huge reframe for me to think of it this way!!!
Ive experienced that numb or vacuum sensation, which is pretty much linked to depression and disassociation. Would love for you to talk about how CPTSD changes our perception of reality and tools to bring us back to acceptance of reality when it happens.
As someone who has an extensive history of seeking and researching and benefiting from counselling and personal healing approaches, there has never been a better 37 mins in my life where I felt “this person genuinely understands what I’m feeling”… yet, I didn’t say a word! Your experiences and stories were like hearing snippets from my own! I’m feeling heard, inspired, and hopeful. Thank you so much, Patrick. I am really looking forward to checking out your site and more of your content!
Got super defensive when my family dogpiled me about my horrible taste in music the other day and couldn't quite explain why because I only remember one time in my childhood where my music taste specifically was criticized, and it was a really benign memory and Mom even stood up for me. But then I remembered being bullied for watching cartoons in 5th grade, having my books stolen and damaged because my habit of reading on the bus was "weird," being called cringe for STILL watching cartoons in high school, and suddenly my defensiveness makes a lot more sense. I'm never on the same page as my peers and that always meant being bullied or alienated, so that fear comes out as defensiveness or extreme fawning (at one point I threw out my book when the bullying got bad, then later fished it out of the trash, like a bad sitcom).
So much of this video resonated with me, but for some reason the part that mentioned thinking things would be so much better for your parents if they got divorced really got me. Such a small part, but I never knew that was something other kids have felt before. It was a really big part of my childhood thinking.
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on TH-cam, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help
I met my first “magical unicorn” in third grade. My friend group all found her a bit baffling. We were friends from and early age for a reason. Rather than watch afar in amazement, we made sure she liked us best. All we wanted was to bubble wrap this fairy-like young girl. Who I’m proud to say nine years later we were all crying like fools and hugging one another when we graduated, together. That was one unicorn we were all the better for growing up with.
hi patrick! i don't normally comment on videos due to being a bit shy online, but i just wanted to say your videos are so helpful for me. i'm currently 17, waiting for my 18th birthday where i can finally cut off my parents, so i know i can't exactly fully heal yet. i'm still protecting myself from a very unstable mother and father. but, it's helpful to know why my brain does the things it does, and i feel like i now have words for my experiences. you have taught me a lot and i'm so grateful i managed to find your channel so i can understand myself better from an earlier age. thank you for being such an inspiring figure for me, and giving me hope that i can be someone as cool as you. because of you, i have hope that i can live a healthy life despite everything i struggle through!
I'm so sorry that your parents can't be there for you the way you deserve . I would give anything to have a child and can't imagine not being there for them . You sound like a very insightful young person . I pray that you have healthy relationships and can find emotionally mature adults to support you . ❤
dont stick around, baited by the potential for an inheritance. i got disowned at 42. which was evidently the plan all along. what to do with a life wasted playing it "safe"? regret.
Practice reading emotional cues & reacting appropriately. This has always been a struggle for me. If that rings for you, practice it. Will serve you well. Wishing you all the best.
Agree with the others, I’ve been to at least 10 therapists and have not made progress until the internet, childhood trauma info, and especially Patrick! Thank you Patrick!
Although my trauma didn't originate from my parents, their continued refusal to see it as anything but normal and invalidate my feelings of hurt really helped to increase all three of these symptoms in me. It really takes so much work to navigate these symptoms, especially since so much of it can result in not trusting your own opinion or perception of what occurred. Thanks so much for making all of these great resources freely accessible to us!
Story of my life. I am 60 years old and it’s taken me my whole life to figure this out. My baseline existence is in flight or fight response. I have to affirm my safety and work on double checking my perceptions all the time. Yes to divorce making things better.
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month is using the herbs my herbs completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it. You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
Stopped at 4:14 and SO spot on already. My goodness Patrick, do you even realize how incredibly helpful your content is to so many?! A sincere and heartfelt thank you for all that you do.
I got stuck at Perception. That is the story of my life! After hearing that I could not even concentrate on anything else so I am saving this video to do 1 step at a time. Thank you so much for doing this service free online. -hugs- I am 75 years old and just beginning to understand myself. Thank you! ♡
"Kids gradually accept that they have zero power in making their situation better, and zero faith in the adults helping."
This. This right there.
I described this in the NM Legislature's hearing related to the Omaree Bill that children not only detect that they are powerless but that the agencies like CYFD and related systems don't function and deliver as advertised. As a result, the target participants (parents and kids) get wise to the patterns of failure and go into preservation mode or they play the system as best they can.
And that has future consequences as an adult when one has to react in the workplace to hostility. Trust is hard to achieve with those in power over one..
@EdandBrenda Kelley I'm a retired senior, and I feel powerless when no one listens or takes me seriously.
I had a mother growing up who worked in emerg in hospital and engrained germs and washing my hand into my daily. I can remember coming home after school as a little kid (7-10) going “hi mom!” And I’d be greeted with “wash your hands!”. If I was naucilus as a kid, it was a household issue. My mother would yell at me to get to the toilet rather than console me or make me feel better. It was about her and her issues as an emerge cancer nurse usually having to hold the kidney tray and they vomit from chemo therapy. Her trauma caused my trauma. Generational issues are strong. It’s not kosher
I grew up in this from my mother.
I had to stop only 8 minutes in because I am an extremely nonfunctional adult who has severe childhood C-PTSD and C-PTSD. But the praise for maturing so quickly and being a little adult hurt, that was me. I was only praised for how grown-up, emotionally intelligent and empathetic, and how much of an “old-soul” I have been from such a young age.
I have been receiving these compliments since about 5th-6th grade, so about 10-11. No child should be forced to grow up or fall behind or be neglected from acting their own age.
PLEASE, let kids be kids. Adulthood crushes us faster than we realize.
I am you ..:(
Same
This!!!
Me too.
Me too :( wish you well
Childhood was like 1 longggg gaslighting experience. Nailed it!!
Omg right?? 😢
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
especially when a sibling is on board with them "oh dad was abused too" or "mom came from poverty" basically how dare you only think of yourself!
From my mother: "That never happened. You must have dreamed it." For several years, I was confused about dreams and reality - and felt that I could not trust my feelings AT ALL.
Interesting...thats exactly what mine says too...." That never happened" but i don't stop i say"yes it did "and i offer 3 examples yo which she still denies denies denies.I hope you are no contact....I am no contact and it is so peaceful.
Every time when i tried to say what troubles me in what she done..."its not true, its never happend". Or laughing with disgust on face. And ask "just be normal".
Gaslighting. The loved, go-to tool for almost every narc.
Yep. Every time I tried to tell her how hurt I was when she’d say something incredibly hurtful, shaming, critical or completely inappropriate and not what someone with empathy would say, it would first be screaming “I do everything for this family! How can you say that to me! I did this for you last week!”, as though doing things every parent is required to do for their children excuses abusive behavior but okay. Then it would be the silent treatment for days sometimes weeks and my dad would ask ME to “make it right” like she’s the victim of MY abuse! Scenario 2 was she would be all calm and say, “you misunderstood Me” or “you’re being hormonal” or “I didn’t say that” (she did) or “you heard me wrong” THEN because I’m emotionally dysregulated at that point from the gaslighting, she blows up and starts on the “I do everything for this family!”, silent treatment, emotional parentification when my dad asks me to make her feel better… yep, and on top of that my brother is also a narcissist and was emotionally, psychologically and physically abusing me and often used my moms insecurities of her need to appear perfect and trigger her rage at me. It would come out of nowhere constantly. I lived in a state of fear and actually trauma split my first time when I was 7 because the abuse started as soon as I can remember. Both of them hated my emotional giftedness from the very beginning. I think it’s because I could see them clearly…until my brain was so damaged I couldn’t function in society, high school is when it started badly affecting me because my brother tried to coerce me into committing suicide. I couldn’t finish college, “visited” my first mental hospital and detox by 27, had an ulcer at 26, 4 sleep disorders by teens, toxic abusive relationships and friendships with people I couldn’t say no to to save my life, which was often in danger…I’m 41 now, live a very reclusive life with 4 cats, work from home, hide from the Amazon driver and only go to the grocery store at night when it’s empty. I did learn how to love myself and was able to wake up from the dissociative coma I lived in for 3 decades but I am constantly dissociating all day long, I just can’t not dissociate. Avolition is also something I struggle with, I work from bed most of the time. I really wish I could be angry at my family for everything they did to me but my nature just doesn’t hold onto anger and resentment like that. I’ve always been a forgiving person but also, why should I have to live with toxic feelings like anger and resentment. I had enough of that the first 35 years of my life only it was directed inward. I couldn’t even be angry at my family during that time because I didn’t see the abuse until years after trauma therapy (for something unrelated but related).
Same. I brought up some abuse I had when I was a teen and told my mother about it. I remember her lack of reaction very very well. Decades later I brought it up again and my mom said I never told her about it and that I got other things wrong too about my childhood including being kicked out at 15. She said it was my choice to leave and easier to just let me go. The gaslighting continues 50 years later. Thankfully I’m getting the help I need to see just how truly messed up the dynamics are in my family and always were messed up. No one but me ever talks about it but I’m ok with that now and yes I’ve taken a huge step back from all of them for my own mental health and peace and joy.
I’ve always been told I “wear my heart on my sleeve” when it comes to children. I work in schools. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I’ll let it eat me up sometimes when I see teachers lack empathy for certain kids. The longest I’m with a particular teacher, the more I see it.
For example, a teacher who doesn’t “like” a FIVE YEAR OLD KID. He annoys her because he’s “stubborn”. No, he’s severely neglected and traumatized!
So I ask, what’s his home life like.
I get a response like… mom and dad both overdosed and died. I think 80 year old great grandma has him now. Been in a few foster homes.
And I’m like, and you’re MAD at him for being too shy when asked a question in front of the class?
I see this ALL THE TIME.
Am I not right for being aggravated at that adult? If you’ve lost all empathy then quit the job.
You are maybe the only adult in a child's life who perceives them with any insight, and love! Absolutely right to be disgusted by the added hatefulness toward a child in pain. The access to a child, in a position of authority, is misused, adding damages. Your ability to see and show kindness, looking the child in the eyes is powerful; could make all the difference. Bless you. These kids need to be respected, period
I severely agree w u
Adults judging kids says everything about the adults.
That sounds really hard and traumatic ❤
You sound like a great person and teacher to ask questions and be alert to kids home life….thank you
I’m a 44 year old man. For decades I’ve struggled and only recently I’ve begun therapy. He explained to me that a large part of my struggles is due to childhood emotional and mental trauma. When I now think back to my childhood I can seem to remember nothing but negative memories. My therapist said if I don’t want to say out loud some of the things in my head then posting some random TH-cam or Reddit comment can help me release if I need it. Seems to help. I get to send my pain out there into the ether and have the shield of anonymity. Channels like this are very helpful to educate myself and help me to process some of those bad memories.
I just want to say thank you for the work you do.
It is a process. Do not forget to be kind to yourself
Amen to that! We do need some place to pour out our thoughts and feelings because they cause dysfunction, my mind overthinks until we just don’t know who we are or what we think. To me, my brain blows a fuse! Flash! No logical thought available, I can’t listen can’t process can’t think!
I sent this to my grown kids now struggling from my parenting, also. And my grandchildren, will too, no doubt.
❤❤❤
After years I'm getting to the other side. Felt, relived do many bad emotions, some eventa still occurring among family but zm coming out to the other side. Going back now to release and enjoy the good stuff. Hang in there. It's worth it. Pass it on.
You’re 10 years ahead of me.. I found writing to my 10 year old self helped me to work on our fears. How it made me who I am! He's 15 now and a runaway Hitchhiked to New Orleans. Ratting the streets of the French Quarter. Hippies and commune living. Was even involved with a under ground News paper Atlantis. 1973 ... Equal Rights is still a thing..
@@tommyselbe1999 that's a really good suggestion! I need to try that with myself... I wish you peace and healing.
“JOY or INTEREST in doing things WAS NOT SAFE with an emotionally dysregulated raging parent” = 🤯 Wow!
You could only be happy when they were happy. Your interests could only be their interests.
Plus, muting your joy and muting your interests seems like the perfect set up to lifelong co-dependency.
I too come from a family where only one person’s feelings mattered.
Same! Everything in the house was on eggshells making sure not to upset the one person who mattered but no matter what we did it was never enough.
It makes me feel more failed by past therapists who seemed at a loss towards me and at times even frustrated by my inability to explain why that even though I am at a better place in life Im still unable to feel joy or interests in my hobbies.
@@susanlee8023 ììì
I don't even have any hobbies.
@@charlottetaylor4471 The hobbies I did I have were a combination of faking interest in things my abusers were interested in for the sake of keeping the peace. My dad liked hunting so I liked hunting. My other hobbies I later realized I liked them only because they were a successful distraction from what was happening at home. Once I was out of that environment I suddenly wasn't interested in those hobbies, I had no idea whatsoever what I genuinely did enjoy and like, I felt so empty and made for some puzzling conversation with people who could not relate.
Every venture into homes of peers growing up was like entering another dimension. Balanced relationships were profoundly weird to me at the time. As a young person, it's hard to pinpoint what exactly is different if you have no idea how toxic your own home environment is. My parents loved me, and I believe they truly did the best they knew how, but it was still damaging to everyone in the home. It's easy to see now, but I still have to deal with it from an elderly parent. Unintentional abuse is still abuse.
I can completely relate to that feeling. I was raised by two mentally ill parents who showed zero support for me and most of my siblings. My oldest brother who was my mother's favorite is now completely and irreversibly screwed emotionally and relationship wise. I would go visit my friends and their parents were super supportive and loving to them and I didnt know how to process that. It wasnt that I didnt understand the difference it was that it did not compute. I had no personal reference with which to compare it to. Looking back at it I see myself completely in my head trying to make sense of it. Not that I envied them or wished that I had parents like that. It was so foreign to me that I couldnt make sense of it.
I can say with absolute certainty that the abuse I suffered was intentional. Did they understand the consequences of what they were doing? Probably not. But it was deliberate and intentional non the less.
I feel ya, here in it right now 😭
Absolutely! I was exactly the same. I was made very uncomfortable in friends' home and couldn't say why
My defense had always been to be invisible. Having an adult be concerned for me felt creepy and invasive.
@@elonever.2.071, I had to check and make sure I didn't write that post 😂
My mother did the same with my brother. Exactly the same.
When I went to visit school friends, I was shocked at the difference in their mothers and mine. Mine hated me and she could not hide that fact. That's when I found out how messed up my family is.
@@Anna-Rose-
Sorry to hear that. It really sucks to have grown up with parents that are more beast than human. Im 73 and just had myself evaluated because I was weary of picking the wrong partners. I have Complex PTSD from my childhood and subsequent marriages. Fortunately the state I moved to gives free classes to help change the toxic programming I got and it is making a world of difference. I hope you find resolution too.
We are not alone. Most people have some trauma from homegrown a-buse and take it out on their partners. As much as I would like to have a companion I have resolved myself to accepting life is much much better alone. And the more I heal the more sense that makes.
For real watching him on TH-cam has been the only way I benefitted from therapy. If only more therapists actually knew what they were doing.
It's true; never see a mental heath type person with less than 20 years experience.
Yup, he is the reason I started trying harder in my therapy. I told my therapist about him but didn't get much feedback from her about it.
Agreed. I've learned more from YT then I ever learned sitting with therapists over many years. I think the problem is that when we go to therapy, we spend the majority of the time talking rather than being taught.
Jay Reid, too
I agree. With info I get here & from others on TH-cam, I can go to counseling and tell her what I'm learning in my own life, thoughts, perspectives, & pitfalls, which I have most often filtered first thru the lessons I learned from people like PT. In this way, I can maximize my time with the counselor, by having a non-judgmental someone to talk to, ask questions of, & sometimes plan therapy assignments with. I am fully aware that I am usually facilitating the sessions, but sometimes there are times when I'm lost, and then I'm so glad to have someone I know I can trust.
She isn't really interested in learning a lot of new stuff but I have at least turned her on to the terms C-PTSD & emotional flashback and some 12 step stuff. It never ceases to amaze me that the 12 steps are virtually unknown by mental health professionals. Plus, I can't understand how my particular counselor never heard of C-PTSD 😳 in that she works with kids & mothers, but oh well. This lack of informative continuing education falls under a term Pete Walker (author of 'From Surviving to Thriving') uses: "Good Enough" therapist.
We don't need perfect counselors but we do need Good Enough counselors. Accepting that is a good example of moving away from the all or nothing thinking that us C-PTSD 'ers are prone to.
I also want to give my Good Enough counselor credit for teaching me and practicing CBT. Had it not been for that perhaps further healing may have been obstructed.
Continually saving my parents from each other’s homicidal rage was too much for my nervous system, yes, it was.
Same...🥵
Big hugs for you both 🫂🫂
I'm sorry you had to endure that❤.
How did you deal with it, Tiger?
I can relate to this; hiding knives and potential weapons because they threatened the other “not to go to sleep”. It’s terrifying and no child should ever have to deal with it.
"We don't trust our reality, but we need someone to confirm what we're feeling or what we're thinking." Wow... I'm speechless as to how pointedly accurately this describes me in my relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. I actually teared up at four separate times throughout this video because of how deeply it resonated with me... and I'm a guy who doesn't cry all that much. Thank you.
Although I just heard this video last night. And you wrote this nine days ago. I can tell you we would be best friends in a therapy class. Your message is so honest and truthful that it has been ❤️ felt all the way to Puerto Rico where I am currently living. Thank you, I pray that you keep going and be brave. In your positive new mind transformation. You will achieve you goal slowly however it stays permanent with you. Keep reminding your self that you are you own person and not that of your past. Remember too that now we as adults can make up the childhood neglects by fulling them with adult fun decision. Hypotherical example: as a child a parent would not allow a child to ride his favorite carnival ride, that empty feeling now as and adult still kind of lingers.
What Todo: go back and see if that ride can hold you adult size body. If it is not so busy then get on it and relive your childhood neglects as an now a safe grown adult holding your inner child and saying to your innerslf. Thank you letting me experience this emotional moment.
Part two:
I did this experience with myself at three in the morning one summer back when I was about 33 yrs old. I loved the swing at the park as a child but never could get someone to get me going. I had no parents, so I just sat there with my feet dangling. Then that summer night I got on it and swung like nobody's business. I felt a little silly but my inner tummy was so full of joy... It's like something changed. So when I kept explore more childhood neglects and now as an adult I kept fulling them with the realization that I can do something about it. And I promise the memories and emotional distress are gone. If you get the chance to go back to a therapy class or speak to a professional ask them about this suggestions and see what they tell you. It doesn't always work out for the better in some child hood emotional neglects. This is also a gradual process. Start with easy work to more challenging and down right traumatic experiences. When it comes to physical abuse or sexual abuse these feeling do not get fixed, repair, substituted that easily. That is why speaking to a therapist on a one to therapy session will be the most important thing to your innerslf healing. Please , forgive me for sharing so much on your post. It just something about your written words that sparked something in me to release this, mini thought. Thank you and warm wishes to you.
I agree so much with your description - even now the question that I ask most frequently is, "is it me, or...?" I absolutely do not trust my perceptions of people or situations. I always look for affirmation that I'm not seeing things in a skewed way.
100%
Yes- that one sentence blew my mind too. I had to stop the video and just sit for a loooooong minute to take it in. It was the description of so much of my personal experience that has been nameless and wordless, up until now. Life changing.
Woah! This hit like a ton of bricks. I'd always felt as if my "joy" ability was stunted. I just don't ever connect with happy. However it takes very little to trigger sorrow and grief. I've sought them out simply to be able to feel something.
When getting a new kitten, I remember crying over the pain I would feel when they died. It was my partner that snapped me of it saying that grieving them is wasting the time that we have now.
Yeah. Mania I can do. Joy seems like doom
This is so familiar. I gravitate to distress, have to fix everything and never feel comfortable about letting myself enjoy just pleasant company and a relaxing conversation.
I've had 1 vacation in a lifelong career and an endless spiral of self-criticism. The harder I worked the more I was dissatisfied and impatient with my performance.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Grieving is normal and never a waste.
@@taralilarose1
Best comment
Does anyone else feel freaked out when someone actually saids something uplifting or really good about you?? Or when people treat you right and you get these thoughts in the back of your mind that they aren't really a good person or they have ulterior motives? I have major trust issues myself.
Yes. When I see overly nice people like Steven Universe or sometimes in real life than I can't stop feeling weirded out by it. It also bothers me that I am that distrusting of truly nice people.
THIS!!!
Super yup!
Yes. They seem insincere or underhanded or like Pollyannas. I hate it because I crave being around good people. I crave love and kindness.
It’s very normal to have a lot of defenses up. Just try not to assume the worst or best about people too quickly! Most people are somewhere in between the two. Also: if people can be on one side of the end of the spectrum and be a monster, people can also be on the opposite end and be a bit of an angel. Those people are rare but they exist. I speak from experience.
Shaming a child for just being a child - wow! That shifted something inside. Thank you for saying this.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
"One parent who rages and the other who dismisses that rage to the point it's normalized." That hits hard. I tend to blame my mother a lot, but I never really considered my dad's role. He often acted as a go between, and he was the one I would go to because he wouldn't get mad, but I never considered how he would always rationalize my mothers behavior and how we would conspire to not tell my mom things that would enrage her.
Also, I never realized how much I suppress my emotions until my super emotional friend was upset about something that seemed silly to me. We talked for hours before we realized that my disconnect was that I simply don't get upset because "tears get you nowhere so I learned not to bother". Heck, I can cry over Marley and Me, but when my grandma died? Nothing. I totally disconnected.
Also, I get called out for getting way too excited about things. I never considered that it was a result of emotional disregulation.
Lastly, that emotional vaccum disconnect. I used to feel that with my mother and it has given me all sorts of trust issues because I no longer trust my judgement. After all, my mother was popular and everyone seemed to like her, so why was she such a monster to me in private? I used to wonder if other people would like her if they saw the "real" her. Now I distrust anyone who's nice to me because I remember how nice my mother was to others.
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
I nearly wept when I found your comment. I felt as if I've written all of it. It is the first time I'm hearing something so similar. It took me so long to understand that homelufe was abnormal. Sometimes I tought I was crazy.My mother is so very social. So caring and funny with her friends&coworkers. She used to rage. Scream. Go on emotional angry tangents that WOULD NOT STOP. Cry and stomp her feet and say that I caused her to loose the will to live. No matter what started it, at the end, I was always sobbing and apologizing and cursing myself for existing. My father (who divorced her and escaped the situation) would never understand why I get so upset. "You know she's like this, she is nuts, it's nothing new, why do you keep getting upset you should'nt care so much!". My grandmother was scared of her daughter-"it's just who she is". And me? Even as an adult, I'm scared of my mother. And even now, hearing her yell makes me feel like the terrified child I was. But other than her? I'm either too emotional-to the point of panic attacks (and usually over the minor things), or I feel numb (still cannot proccess and grieve for grandparents). I cannot trust people. I fear them. I fear that any weakness I show will be used against me. I feel that everyone lies. That everyone cheats. I just fear. The damage that can be done by words, by the parents' conduct, by emotional manipulation is devastating.
@@lina_ru4368 That sucks and I’m truly sorry. I wish I could give you advice or words of support. But I know the truth is it’s not easy. I really hope you are out of that situation and away from your mother. I’ve found distance and the power to walk away has helped me tremendously. Those trust issues sound way too familiar.
If possible, I hope you can find a therapist who can help. I know it’s hard to trust therapists and it may feel like “they’re only paid to pretend to care” or “they don’t really understand MY situation” or the fear that they are judging you. I went through all that and I promise you, there are good ones out there that you can trust. The best ones are really just guides that help you process your emotions and memories because when you dissociate, you don’t actually process. It can be scary to face these emotional memories and trauma, but I would highly recommend EMDR. It’s a therapy that allows you to really explore yourself and it really helped me start to heal. Though clearly I still have much to learn as these videos have proven.
I feel a sense of kinship. This has such a similarity to my experiences. I am so sorry you experienced this. 🫂💕 I know how confusing this feels. Just looking for a safe place when you are small, and never finding one. Sending a hug.
This example is precisely what my life was like growing up, the mother being quick to anger and the father being the confidant in private and then taking my moms side when she would be in the room. Currently in a battle with them and even now, my dad thinks I should “come to him first about everything” because I “know how mom is.” I can’t take the back and forth and feeling like I’m secretive. It leads to more isolated feelings. Now everyone mad.
I had my UCLA doctoral diploma framed and gave it to my mother. Her response: "But you're still unmarried." I understand why she was the way she was, but am still (at 70!) figuring myself out. Time is getting short. Thank you.
I pray you heal ❤ you deserve it
That is an extraordinary accomplishment! 🩷 you are so worthy of love and acceptance for who you are and what you do. Don’t lose sight of that ✨
My prayers for you. But you know, you still could have another 20yrs! I'm 73 and I don't think it's impossible. I don't know what I'd do without my creativity.. it figures huge.. still so much to do and explore. Better late than never, so am enjoying my own time. All the best for the next couple decades!!
I really feel that too. It doesn't matter what I achieve in my life, my mother will never show me support or affection, either. I have completed several qualifications I think she doesn't even know about. I just stopped telling her about my life after a while.
You went to UCLA and completed a doctoral diploma. That's absolutely wonderful and I am very proud of you! You put in the work and stuck to it, coming out the other side with great knowledge and a huge achievement. Well done!
I got 99.4% on the English exam at the end of highschool. My mother said "they've sent you the wrong result" and took me to the office to get the "right" one. It was the right one and I loudly said so. She never forgave me for getting a very high mark in my favourite subject. When I tried to show him my confirmed results, my father just gave me a look of disgust and left the room. And then they were shocked when I left home early.
"you're safe to disagree with me" - absolute gold Patrick. Thank you!!!
I can absolutely relate! Mom would yell at me as a child - a never-ending stream of anger - I would just shut down. I blocked out hearing and seeing (although I wasn't allowed to close my eyes) - it was like putting on a raincoat against the hail. I actually had to "unlearn" that reaction when I went out into the real world! For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. Until I saw a billboard stating the "Verbal Abuse is also Child Abuse." I had never thought of it that way.
This! My mom actually questioned if I was having absent seizures because I would tune out so completely. The worst was if she realized I wasn't listening because then I would get the "you don't care what I have to say so I might as well not say anything" lecture, followed by the silent treatment.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
Closing your eyes without closing your eyes... yes. I totally get that.
Dissociation was a way to survive 😢
This is an accurate description of my childhood environment with a rage-filled parent. I had to squash my personality early on to protect myself and it had a detrimental effect on my life in early adulthood. Therapy has helped so much, but it is a process. Peace to all my other CPTSDer's out there.
Well said, thanks, and blessings of peace to you. ❤️🙏💞
Much LOVE ❤️
Me too it’s taken years. I still need therapy though
Same here. Physical abuse was bad but the emotional abuse left such scars. To this very dat I suffer from off the hook anxiety. But i am truly a survivor. I have found joy and love and purpose. I spend many hours a week caring ( volunteering) with vulnerable and disadvantaged people. I am able to give in abundance the love and acceptance I never had. Himan resilience is a wonderful thing and love is so healing.
We MUST be siblings!
The way you casually say “you’re safe to disagree with me” at the very end- that GOT me! The cherry on top of this illuminative gut punch 😂💛💛💛
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month is using the herbs my herbs completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it.
You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
"We emotionally need our day in court about it." That really resonated with me. Therapists tell me "that was then, this is now," and on paper, sure. I get it, logically, that I'm not the same kind of vulnerable that I was when I was young. But there's this giant wound left over from years of neglect/abuse, and I feel like they're asking me to pretend it's not there. I've been thinking about trying to get into group sessions but I have no idea where to start. The groups advertised in my area seem to all have focuses that don't apply to me.
Same bro. I got a little sister and her dad was my abuser, but I can't tell her that. And so I'm all fucked up and she can't and doesn't even want to know why. It makes you feel like shit. Like your feelings are less importaint, even tho it was you who had to be the object of all that rage and pain. It seem unfair, but that's life. I just hope you can find somebody to talk to about it, bc the John Q doesn't seem to want to have like a CPTSD anonymous or WTF ever. ☮
One thing I figured out is that something hurts as long as it hurts. If it hurts, it hurts. And that pain means that it has not healed. Emotions don't work to deadlines or timetables: ours, a family's, a therapist's, members' of a self-help group, whatever. Imagine if, years after having a broken bone, people told you it was in your head or otherwise invalidated you when you said the bone still hurt. You'd ask them where they got their flippin' medical degree (or at least think that at them), and rightly so. NO ONE ELSE is inside you, able to know what you feel.
One of our society's pathologies is its emphasis on speed. There's a rush to 'forgive', a rush to 'heal', as though they're academic subjects we can do the homework for, take a test, and be done. Nope. And the deeper the wound, of course the longer it takes. Another way deep emotional injury is akin to a physical wound is, it's not going to heal from the outside, in. In fact, crusting over too soon is guaranteed to cause festering and more pain. Certain wounds _must_ be left open to run and drain as they will, tended and monitored all the maddeningly long while.
So, whatever you do, before you talk to anyone else, take a deep breath, claim some space, plant yourself on this Earth, and declare, "I give myself permission to take ALL the time I need to heal _healthily."_
I found out that talk therapy does not do much to heal. It helps it identify pain but any healing I experienced was on my own. For that I need to be home alone and turn attention to my body and most importantly, I need to look at the photograph of little me. I write on a scrap paper whatever thoughts I have ...this peace of paper will be shredded, so there is a free flow...no worries of grammar or punctuation....I was painfully surprised to see the voices of my parents emerged...all the shaming but this time I knew THEY WERE WRONG, not me. I cried for a child I was. The sam day I imagined taking my younger self bye hand I taking responsibility for "her" safety...as if I have now one more child to look after. Best Wishes. Thank you for sharing. I can imagine I hard it is to keep the secret...For many years I was listening to my little sister adoring comments about our uncle, who sexually abused me when I was about 6-7 years old without disclosing my feelings about him....I thought she had a right to enjoy their relationship. But recently, I could not resist. She tried her best to agree "this was not fair" but I could see how she struggled with accepting this information. This is how I realized I need to "tell" my uncle...it is completely irrelevant that he is dead.In fact , now I feel safe. I imagine facing him and telling him how I felt and how I feel now. It was raw and painful and exhausting, but it was also liberating: I got my real voice out of my chest! Be good to yourself. Be kind and protective of yourself and you will heal. One day at the time. Every day. 🙏❤
@@LynxSouth thank you.
@@LynxSouth Well said! Thank you.🫂
Regarding perception: it’s not only red flags you miss. You could perceive everything about them as negative instead of focusing on the good
I'm in my early 20s and this is a habit that has manifested in me rather recently. I often have to stop myself and slow it down a bit and assess things realistically. I never used to be like that.
@@massivegat5087 well I’m forty and only realizing it now so keep doing the work and you’ll be in an amazing place by the time you are my age 😊
we are wired to pay more attention to negative occurrences so we can survive..but some of us only remember the negative..I hated my mum..but this woman made me muffins in the morning..left me a note have a good day and five dollars..and yea that is a false memory I made to
cope with being hated by my mum..
And you could really miss some of the red flags that feel safe and good and normal.
Or, noting the red flags, but negative self talk due to parents, you force yourself to paint the red flags, white.
You have described my physically abusive childhood completely, I was always told that I would never amount to anything, and it was not until I found an occupation that I could excel at that I realised that I COULD do anything that I set my mind to. I am 74, and it took until my 50s before I realised this. I still have flashbacks in some situations, and I don't think it ever really goes away.
No therapist can really know, unless they have gone through it themselves.
Amen! That applies to so so so many things. Like many in the medical field these days (no offense to the medical field)
but I continue to run into those who are lackadaisical, argumentative, dismissive, accusatory and AND opinionated… Not the type opinion you are seeking from a doctor. It’s o.k. to use past experience to help diagnose? However, even with HIPPA, I’ve been told details about a “comparison” case… it feels like instead of comparing my symptoms; they were merely going to go with the first diagnosis as they glanced at me when they walked in. 😢
Then tell why they are right &
I’m wrong. Like they know MY body better than me…
An ER Doctor argued with me about the fact that he believed MY tongue WAS NOT swollen.
It certainly was! I’d spent 2 days trying to keep it out of my teeth! It’s very painful. As I was discharged, he yelled down the hall, I still believe your tongue IS NOT SWOLLEN! 😢
@@mismullis7101 I've been a nurse 30 plus yrs and I will never know your mind or body better than you do.
Thank you Terry you give me hope ❤
@@mightymouse1005 I wish I could find a Doc so attentive…!?!
@@mismullis7101 I find NP (nurse practitioners) and PAs (physicians assistance) more willing to ACUALLY listen.
My mother was abused by her mother and she generously passed that down to us. My father brought his own cornucopia of insanity into the stew. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, narcissism, skewed compasses are rampant among 7 children. I'm starting to believe that schizophrenia is a "protective shield" for one of my brothers. Amid the landmines going off in the war zone that was our "home," he powered down and rebooted in safe mode.
You are gifted by having a way with words. I can really relate to your burdens
@@scotnick59 Thank you for your kind words. To cope, among many tools, I had intellectualized and also used comedy. Most recently, this book was eye-opening for me: The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van er Kolk. I hope you find answers and healing for yourself and your loved ones.
There are good solutions while one is a paranoid schizophrenic and realizes that one is a paranoid schizophrenic, attachment disordered, bipolar, autistic mess. Heroin, Cocaine, Legal And Illegal Speed, The Hallucinogens, Weed, Hash And All The Other Good Heavenly Drugs WwWorked For 40+ years FfFor MoppyDavy And tThen tThe Heavenly InPowered And MopPet Strengthened And Soldiers In And OoOn To Eternity. Timothy And Philippians In The New Testament King James Authorized Version
I had to screen shot this! That last sentence!
It’s exactly why I have down my whole life! U have a way with words that just soothes the thought of the trama and u help break it down. I am grateful I found this video!
@@midarock Thanks so much for the splendid compliment! May you always be gifted with Life's kindest blessings.
For me, it all boils down to me not trusting my view of anything: the world, others, myself. So much work to do. Thank you. 💕
Hi sweet savour, this is also happening to me and it is sooooooo tiring, because I cannot locate if I´m just making up things even for myself. What is it like for you? What do you do when this is happening?
@@criscris2691 I'm probably not the person to ask advice of because I come from a super-abusive background and I really struggle on a daily basis to know if anything I do, think or say is okay. Sorry I'm not more help; having a bad day here. I hope you find your answers. 💕
@@sweetsavour6174 I feel so sorry for you having a bad day. I hope I didn´t trigger any additional bad feeling. In fact, I was not even asking for advice, I was just surprised that someone can feel like me...as I´m completely lost about understanding if the things are wrong or right, appropriate or inappropriate. I´ve never met someone having my same problems. A big hug from my side, tons of love dear Sweet Savour and I hope you can receive all you deserve in this life.
@cris cris I too feel like I cannot trust my view. I constantly say this to my therapist. "I don't know if I'm interpreting their comment correctly." Or "maybe I'm overreacting." My therapist assures me emotions are not right or wrong they are just information. I don't know how to understand this statement because if I'm dysregulated and I'm experiencing extreme feelings of despair and doom over a comment my partner said its like how is that emotion giving me information about my present situation? How do I know my emotions are about what is happening right now versus an emotional flashback. It's just impossible. I'm rambling. Does any of this ring true to you?
@@itsspringtime very much so. I have to check things out with people all the time...never trusting they're telling me the truth about their intended meaning. It sucks. I think the information part, at least how I take it, is it's letting me know I still have work to do.
Im so happy that this channel and the crappy childhood fairy are shedding light on this topic. More therapists jumping on board. 🥂 to ending generational cycles
Here’s to breaking the curse!
I work in a K-8th grade setting. My goodness, “Houston, we have a problem.” By that I see teachers who rage at students, causing them to freeze, students who are constantly gaslighting each other, students whose shame regulation is way off for just having a small correction on their paper, teachers who shame an entire class for the poor behavior of a couple of students, teachers gaslighting students and the list goes on. All this culminating in a group of high school students reporting to the school board that they have been constantly bullied for being nonbinary and have never felt safe and supported by their school. Yikes! Lots of work to do.
@@amyhayutin1738 boo.hoo
I'm going to be proud to end the generational chains. ❤
@@amyhayutin1738 Hi Amy! Your point is so well taken. It is indeed a lot!! Have a very blessed day!!! 🤗
Thank you Patrick for your inclusion of neurodivergent audience members. It's very tricky for us to know what is baseline/innate and what is trauma-induced and sometimes those things are tightly woven together. It's what eases with healing that usually makes it clear, for me at least.
As more and more of the younger generation of autistic folk are guided through the world with acceptance and support I think we may one day discover what untraumatised autism looks like, because right now I think it's a rare thing, if it even exists at all.
There is a TikTok creator who is an untraumatized autistic woman and she is a sight to behold! 💗
100% agreed
Yes!!!
Thanks for this mention.
Spectrum, female, sex abused since infancy, shamed for adult relationships that did not look like Leave It to Beaver family.
I am happy now but considered hopelessly broken & failed by family of sperm donors (origin).
@@gloriaf4015 what's their name? I'd like to behold too. 😊
I had a crush on a girl who had Asperger's in my University. She came from a supportive family. She didn't strike me as traumatized. She was brutally honest with a heart of gold.
I was attracted to non empathetic "bad" guys. It caused a lot of suffering. Basically I chose narcissistic men because of being raised by a narcissist mother. I had zero perception of the harm these men would cause. It felt "normal " to me. Subsequently I am alone now and feel much better being that way than being in a relationship.
Snap.
Double snap
Triple snap
Same here
Same! Just started dating again after a couple years off and lots of therapy… met someone I had an instant connection with and instead of being excited I’m holding my breath, waiting to find out he’s another narcissist.
Man, that bit about parents messing up a kids perception by pretending rage is normal...I struggled a bit with my son, but caught myself. I went back and apologized to my six year old for flying off the handle and scaring him. I told him I shouldn't have reacted that way and yelled at him. I explained what i did wrong, promised to try and do better and reminded him I did love him very much. And I have done much better.
I know I'm making plenty of my own mistakes, but I'm not going to terrify my child the way I was. I still shut down due to that ptsd, and I don't want him to go through the same thing for a reason I can help. I just did what I wish my parents would have done. Been real that they made mistakes. I get now why they made those mistakes, but when my mom tells me a story about how bad her childhood was and all I want to do is scream ''then why did you do that to me?!'' I just hope my efforts with my kiddo aren't going to waste. Or at least that I won't seem unapproachable when he really needs me.
Good job being the one to break the cycle. If life gets too much for you to handle, be sure to ask for help til you get it. Sometimes overwhelming circumstances throw us into rage response even when we are painfully aware what it's like. Despair and extreme 😩 stress can turn a loving parent into a monster if they too experienced childhood trauma.
I want to commend you for apologizing. Apologizing and genuiningly recognizing what you did was wrong is some of the most helpful things you can do when teaching children. Not only as a moral teacher, but as an emotional one. Its explaing that your emotions werent wrong but your actions to those emotions were.
How i wish that my mother ever apologized for all of the things shes done. I know so many abuse survivors and the ones doing the best are the ones whose parents eventually apologized for their actions and were not begging for forgivness. Apologizing right after the fact makes your 10000s of times better than any parents that dont.
It’s so refreshing to read that their are people like me. I struggle with rage and I have had a few moments with my son as well, of just uncontrollable yelling and I’ve had to apologize to my son as well and explain just what you said. I was wrong. That was one thing my mom never did was apologize. She was brutally abused by her mom physically and I’m sure her mom had rage. My mom was very loving though but she had rage BUT she would hardly apologize, I remember just always feeling like everything was my fault. And now I’m catching myself with my son, I’m choosing a different way. It’s been difficult but I hope my son will notice my efforts and I hope I don’t “ruin” him 😢
Continue to work on your self awareness and having integrity in your relationships both with your kid and other adults. Your son will grow up with the perspective that you are human (we all are) - and in many ways that is much better than a kid who puts their parent on a pedestal. Great job!
@@DixeyRay I was talking to someone on cptsd reddit, specifically about they had a dying parent and how they wished that parent would just apologize once, just recognize their behavior before they died, and its really too much to expect from an abusive parent that has rationalized their abuse to themselves. I shared my story about how the death of an abusive parent brings an awkward silence, the abuse is over, when people say "they are in a better place" I kind of get it, maybe a different meaning, but all the weight of being a miserable pos has been lifted from them, finally.
Grew up from age 1 to 15 in a domestically violent home which included incest, and extreme emotional trauma. I'm now 52 dealing with having been triggered about 3 yrs ago and the walls came crashing down that I had built around anger and fear. Slowly learning how to love myself for the first time in my life... that I've learned ive lived making irrational choices based on disregulated disassociated emotional state.
You are not alone. Went through some shit myself n still trying to get some semblance of stability in my life. 😟😟
💯
I can very much relate to this. Domestic abuse and severe neglect and threats of abandonment. I'm 49 but recently had a triggering event that crashed those same walls of anger and fear. It was in the form of a loving relationship. I couldn't handle her love and I pushed her away.
I realized if I was capable of sabotaging something that wonderful that I needed more help than I ever suspected. I started a lot of therapy 3 months ago and feel it's helping a lot.
Maybe it's time our walls came down. what do you think, Melissa? :)
Sending my love and strength to you Melissa!! I love you!!!
SDA4eva, that made me tear up!! I felt that!! Soo good thank you for being a earth Angel!!
Ugh, the story about the cop was so relatable. My dad would say I was being ‘defiant’. Sucks when you’re abused and all the adults around you pretend they don’t see it or threaten you more. Thanks for sharing. I learn so much.
I ran away when I was 16, and my father took me to court. He listed “rebellious child” on my paperwork. I never knew of the term CPTSD before this. I’ve discovered the sudden crying jags in elementary through high school were anxiety/panic attacks.
@@nelks1284 squeezing you tight ✨🫂 thanks for sharing & speaking your truth. 💖🕊️✨
I can really relate to that, no where to go to.
I have been so disowned by my dad's side of family for divulging the sexual abuse, they did not even tell me when the aunts and uncles died.....people I loved dearly. Sexual abuse was better than the physical viloence and fear I lived with. I am so alone and want a mate so badly but mate would have to tolerate my C ptsd.
@@voyeurette1 Hopefully you will get the trauma therapy before you get into a relationship,so the cycle isn't repeated. And stay away from those abusive relatives who reinforce tramas.
I was deemed the worthless child. My sister abused me right along side my parents. As an adult logically I understand yet emotionally it still hurts. It’s challenging to feel self worth for sure. Growing up being blamed and shamed, always put down, physically , emotionally, verbal abuse certainly does a number on a person. Thanks for speaking about this. ✌🏻
Your history is similar to mine My sister was also a bully inaddition to my male parent. My mother enabled his emotional and physical abuse and dished out some of her own -like it was they v the children. My parents are dead now . I cannot grieve my mother because she shouldve stopped him raging thumping and hitting us. I really dont think she was interested. In adulthood, my sister wreaks havoc still. Having suffered trauma/abuse herself she has translated the raging , insulting and gaslighting and devaluing from our childhood to everyone around her, particularly her children .
I agree this post is a very useful exploration of where Ive come from and why I am where I am now: depression anxiety social anxiety mistrust , unable to maintain close relationships, fear isolation self doubt "in a vacuum" with no way to navigate reality. With this post I see how and why my reality may be distorted, and I think it is beyond retrieval.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
I am now 71, my Sis is 72, and we rarely speak. Being near me gives me great anxiety. She was perfect, I had some issues, thus the worthless child. I was shocked when we talked several years ago, and she still says that I could have controlled myself at 3, when I’d have temper tantrums and bang my head on the floor. Are you kidding me??? She listed everything I did wrong as an elementary kid! She was always perfect, and says I had all the fun! Really? I hold nothing in my heart about anyone in my family. I loved them all, and still do.
Shit man I'm sorry you had too deal with this
I had the experience of a raging abusive step-father. I was about to turn 15 and my mom promised she'd finally leave him; I was thrilled. She arrived to pick me up from school and subsequently told me they reconciled; happiness was replaced by despair and it wasn't much longer before I had a complete nervous breakdown.
My mom left when I was around 13; but, they reconciled. We were gone for a week. Mom was convinced that children were better off with a father. They had a toxic relationship! It definitely would have been better to stay apart for our sake! I cried & begged her not to go back!
That's ABANDONMENT. I GET IT.
my mom had a boyfriend that moved in about 2 months after they met he was molesting me for a year and I hadn't caught on because I was so young and didn't understand when I finally figured it out I had told my mom he was doing it and she said she'll take care of it two weeks later he was still living with us and I approached her and she said it's okay we went to counseling and he admitted it which was obviously a lie because he would have been arrested, I went to the school counselor I was taking from by CPS and placed in receiving home then in foster homes where I was also abused this is only maybe 1% of the bad stuff I went through, everything this guy has said has been spot on good job!
So how did things turn out for you, Karen?
I had to live with a raging, abusive foster-mother! From about 4 years old to 18 years old. I ended up in Topeka Mental Hospital. I'm pretty fine now - all things considered!
That’s a definite tell tale sign that you were left out, unrecognized, never welcomed with open arms unconditionally, needing to fix others feelings in order to be liked or given “ a pass” into friendship with them. Like constantly needing to earn or prove worthiness every single time. Yes, I was gaslit constantly. Sad. Always judged.
I mourn what my life could have been if I had timely help to work through the childhood trauma that I experienced. I encourage you to get the proper help. Peace is so precious and it is never too late to find it.
I could have been a good, productive and perhaps, happy person. I just know it. Not a desperately poor, physically and emotionally unwell screw-up. I can't see any way out. Just waiting. I'm 59 years old now. Not too much longer to go. I so hope and pray that there is some kind of 'Being' out there. That way I can meet up with everybody and everything I love and maybe we can all just love each other and be happy. Not a care in the world. I've never had that. There has got to be another, better place than this. The alternative is simply too much for me to bear.
@@ladywolfwolf Hi lady. Reading your comment made me tear up. At 25 I feel the same way you do at 59. You just described my entire baseline existence to a t. Except for the whole meeting up with loved ones bit because I have nobody. Even my dogs abandoned me. I hope things get better for us.
Me too.
@@ladywolfwolf you took the words right out of my mouth. Wishing you all good things on this side and the other side too.
So if you have a child going thru this what would you tell the caregiver to do /not do. WHAT HELPS TO STAY STABLE. WHAT HELPS WHEN ANGER COME PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO HELP MY CHILD!!!! It's so hard to get into a therapy program that's for TRAMA! Unless you been their it's like no one gets it!!
My heart absolutely goes out to each and every single one of you out there who has been abused, especially as a child ! I'm so very sorry ! I pray you all get the deep healing you need, as much as can possibly be had in this life. My deepest love goes out to you ALL ! ❤🙏🏽❤
Also wow. Thanks. Same to you, for real.
What a lovely comment.
Me too God Bless each child that has went Thur child hood Trama payday is Coming for people who has done this Children Are God precious Gift . He will Act upon this 🙏🎚️❤️
Thank you so much
@@meritabuff741 ¹is q😢for ⁵9
I had two *very* similar experiences with the police and my parents when I was a teenager. Each experience depleted what little sense of "this isn't my fault" I had left.
I am 34yrs old and I don't remember being a child. I feel like I have always been an "adult". I was always made to feel like everything was my fault and it was a mistake that I was born (my father loved to tell me that). I remember for the longest time I would tell my "You're a bad person, no one loves you and you make everyone around miserable." Thankfully after being in therapy I haven't had that thought on repeat.
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on TH-cam, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help
I can relate to this. Always being an adult as my mom checked out a d left it to me. Used to have a recurring dream about a huge puzzle I had to put together, pieces so big I could barely hold them. When I put it in tje wrong place a voice would scream at me, No! Wrong!
This is most Gen-X experience I know, including me. We dealt with life on our own with parents adjusting to the “new normal” of the post-nuclear family. I was expected to be the “mom” of a single father household at the ripe age of 11. My dad had a crush on all my female friends. I finally ran away when I was 16, rescued by my mom, and did a hard re-start on my life. Rebounded on a abusive early marriage. Single for decades until I could even consider a close personal relationship again. Even now, I can’t deal with anyone else’s stresses. I can barely handle my own. I haven’t been able to sleep an entire night undisturbed for decades.
I'm so sorry you had any of this. Stay strong
😢❤
Why does it have to be a generational thing? Why can't it just be a thing some of us had to live and grow up with
We GenXers were not parented. We were treated like adopted pets and either made to perform or completely ignored.
I am so sorry you got stuck with your father. after your parent's divorce. Awarding father's custody is now becoming the norm even if they are pedophiles, practicing addicts or have just been released from prison. I have not seen my daughter since 1997. I doubt very much if she has been able to deal with anything that happened while she was with her father. Glad you were able to get help for yourself. Keep on keeping on. I believe there will come a night where you will sleep well.
My mother was emotionally unregulated from her own cptsd and as a result I ended up being her emotional support system for as long as I can remember being able to hold a conversation. I was the friend she vented to when the was upset or angry, especially with my own father who spent most of my life underway in the navy, but otherwise I remember always being loved and supported in things, never physically abused in any way, and very often got what I wanted. Growing up I knew kids who weren't lucky enough to have both their parents or the parents they did have were restrictive or physically or verbally abusive, and that created a long term perception that my parents were perfect and I was very lucky to grow up with them together and both supporting me, but now as an adult with a short temper that leads to intense rage followed by crippling shame, as an adult who feels responsible for the emotions of every single person I lend an ear to, as an adult who put up with with a miserable 3 year relationship with someone who I was more of a therapist and caretaker to than a partner, learning things like this is a major eye opener
Furthermore a lot of that perceived support was a constant reinforcement from my mother that I was so mature and responsible and immediately good at every single thing I did, which over time resulted in an inability to stick with anything that had a real learning curve because if I'm not good at it right away then I just can't do it, and that folded over into vocal disappointment from her for never committing to or accomplishing anything in the form of "you were so good at [blank] when you were younger why don't you still..." Why haven't you made any progress, why haven't you created anything etc.
Thank you.. i always felt i had such good parents why do i feel lik i hav this trauma .. thank you putting this feeling into words.. now i see what happened exactly..
@@ChatookaMusic mate that’s crazy, you’ve just described exactly what I’ve come to realise about myself recently. Good to see we’re not alone aye, all the best on your journey to a healthy mind and getting control over those emotions. ❤️
If only you knew how much I can relate to this. I’m now 45 and realise how much being parentified by my parents impacted my mental and emotional wellbeing. So much so, I still don’t know how to have reciprocal relationships. I tend to attract emotionally demanding people and/or feel paranoid of being perceived as such. There’s this strong fear of showing vulnerability because I never felt safe to do so around my parents. Not because they were horrible people but more so because I learned from a very young age that they could barely cope with their own problems, why burden them unnecessarily. Now that I’m a mother myself, it would break my heart if my kids would try to protect me by dismissing their needs. Thank you for sharing your story and all the best to you. ❤
@@ChatookaMusic holy shit that's very much the details of my relationship with my late mother and my inability to commit to anything because... That. I've had a couple partners think I would be non committal to the relationship or that I was screwing around on the side where absolutely I was not and I would not... But I had friction because I didn't answer questions about my plans to do or not do something in the near future also and because they had trauma from previous lifetime with family or partners I had two guys suspect just I needed to keep my weekend schedule open in case anyone better called with something more interesting than whatever they were planning? No. But I see how it looks like it could be this. And my mom always brought up the couple of areas I was above average in as a child asking me what made me lose interest in the piano the other languages I spoke etc
The most isolated moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly
Worst experience of my life
It has taken me 49 years of life to figure out that I was raised in a very abusive household. It has affected every relationship that I've ever been in. Emotionally disregulated, narcissistic parents are to blame. I tried to complain to my teachers in elementary school and throughout my young adulthood, but I was shamed and forced to endure them. Now I have had to cut off my father of 85 because he still verbally abuses me....... I'm done with it, now I have to fix myself!
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
Oh Gosh that's tough, I have been toying with the idea of cutting off my Mother, but she's got a foothold in with me via my daughter..and has caused alot of grief in my family life..she is damaged.and my ex the same..my daughter only has me..and I'm damaged but aware of it..and mostly emotionally regulated, when not triggered..my daughter is becoming abusive to me now mirroring the behaviours of 2 dominant personalities in her upbringing.
I’m proud of you 😊
This was so triggering for me. It's weird to hear someone understand what life was like for me and giving my younger version some compassion for getting through it. I tend to tell myself " it wasn't that bad" "I'm making it a big deal" "I'm just wanting attention" but listening to this and the feelings, emotions it's triggering is letting me know " yes it was that bad and you survived and to not get mad at myself when I get depressed/ disassociate.
I hear you x
I think that there is always going to be someone who had it worse than us, but don't forget, this is you, and it was bad. And I guess we can say "at least it wasn't this, or that thing didn't happen", and maybe we should just be thankful it wasn't worse, but still, not downplay it.
Just found this channel.. you are right.. I found it difficult to listen but forced myself to listen. Read the comments and related to what you wrote. I’m glad I’m not the only one. There’s a lot of us. I’m in the twilight zone of my life still struggling but also grateful that I have a very supportive and “normal” husband. My only fear now is that I hope I did not do any damage to my children. I tell them sorry that sometimes my “mother comes out of my mouth”! 😢
Thanks for your comment. Let’s both hang in there.
@@bubbless.9529 Thank you for such a sincere reply. It meant a lot to me. I too worry about the damage to my kids. Damn life is a challenge, eh?
37:05 "You're safe to disagree with me." Bless you Patrick
My family had a limited palette of emotions: angry, not that angry, scared, bored and disappointed. I knew. other emotions existed, but I had never seen them in reality
Same. Its a very limited, base level range of emotion and happy to keep it thst way. My famy have happy,
sad (usually with a side of tantrum or what about me) Angry,
tired,
Hungry.
Basically The Sims 1.
Same here
Your parents must’ve had emotionally immature parents also and didn’t know how to break out of the cycle. Congrats for seeking how to break free.
@@AMcDub0708 if you mean my parents, bio father suffered from Peter pan syndrome. Step father had a horrifically abusive and neglectful mother. He raised most of his siblings and treated me like his own from age 1, when he was just 17 himself. His immaturity presented more prominently as he aged ans especially after "The Mother", split split from him.
"The Mother" herself didn't win any prizes in the father department. He was hard working and social, but a chronic gambler and skirt chaser.
As for "the Mothers" mum, she was the most incredible woman I've ever known. There was so much good, love, light inside that woman, she should have had an entire solar system orbiting her.
She was the only other empathy in the family. The only one who felt anything beyond selfish base desires and reactions. How something so vile, came from a woman, who literally ws the inbodiment of unconditional limitless love puzzles me to this day. Though I do imagine it was something akin to that chest bursting scene from Alien, you know the jack in the box like, jump scare as the evil frees itself from its nest. . . Yea, something like that I believe.
Yeh, so they shouldn't have had children. Mentally and emotionally unstable people should not have children, it's child abuse.
I question my reality everyday & feel guilty about detaching myself from my family. But when I watch your videos I feel reassured, validated & like I might actually be able to heal from this. Thank you so much, keep up the great work!
I remember walking to school in 3rd grade wishing my parents would divorce . So much anger and hostility, then they both started turning on me to vent about each other or their life. When I finally got the nerve to tell my friends father, I watched my dad and him chit chat about “unruly women, including daughters.” I lost all my hope that day.
That must have hurt so much. I'm sorry you went through that. What a betrayal of your trust.
How terrible 💔 I can't recall any specific instances but I know repeatedly hearing this kind of thing cut me deeply as well.
Here's to working on healing 🥂
How awful for you, @TanjiroKamado. I survived a rageahoic dad and a passive martyr mom. Sixty years on, I have grown, both away from my family and more into a woman that I actually like. I still experience trust issues, but have learned to mostly trust myself at least.
I wished for my parents divorce too. I told my mom I would find a lawyer and sell my clothes n books for the fees. I was 14.
I wished my mother would go away forever, that my father would divorce her and I'd never have to see her again.
“Joy is not safe because it might upset the miserable parent”… wow… i’ve never heard this being spelled out like this. This is so accurate!
Wow. Do I identify.
I swear i have an inner whisper that warns me there is danger in showing happiness...
Often I recall being smacked or attacked when I was in my element of joy. Not doing anything bad, or sneaky or wrong.
Omg you have described me down to a tea. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse my whole childhood. I am such a broken person still at 50. I lost my twin to suicide. I'm an alcoholic I am bipolar I have complex ptsd, insomnia out of body experiences the list goes on. I've been under psychiatric care 18yrs. My mother supported and participated in the abuse. I went to the police at 30 and my father was convicted with my mother completely supporting him and blaming me. Last year my mother said the wrong twin died. I was in therapy 9yrs but it didn't help I take 8 different medications every day. My health is horrendous. There is so much pain. I have regressed and am barely functioning. I rarely leave the house and now I rarely leave my bed. My father died 4yrs ago and my mother died 5months ago. I honestly thought I would feel free when they died its made me worse. I do forgive them because this abuse is historical, the family cycle. I am intelligent I know the nightmare I went through wasn't my fault but why do I feel bad for sending my father to prison and what I put them through. The last conversation I had with my mother she finally told me she loved me I waited 50yrs to hear that. I am so lost. Sorry for rambling but I don't think its an accident I found this video. Thank you so much xx
Man- some really tough stuff! Im sorry that the people who should have helped you feel safe did these things to you out of their own apparently uncontrollable pain. Terrible terrible stuff you have endured. For your mom to tell you that it should have been you who died? That has to be one of the most hurtful damaging things that a parent can do. Oh my God!
You say you are lost so i had to take a minute to write to you. Without knowing you at all so i realize im taking a leap but It sounds like you need a plan. whether its join a gym or lace up and hit the streets for a short run , clean and polish your sink, or even just getting outside... ANY small "win" of forward movement. You need some wins! If and when you decide on a "Game Day" , throw back your bedsheets in the morning, with purpose get out of bed, and proclaim out loud that Its a new day and that a new sheriff is in town! I say this with love but right now you are buying into the victim role all on your own. Rise to the challenge of getting up and out of that bed. And know its going to not feel good at first. Or it feels good at first but in a month it sucks when it loses its novelty. But on the other side of that is where the gold lies. Creating new patterns and habits. I have had to do this and yes i fall. and i get up and start again. and fall some more. and i get up. I win because i keep getting up. If you dont have any kind of social system in place it will be hard too because no one will be there to validate you and support you and see the changes but you just have to keep lacing up your shoes and continuing with your plan. Re-define yourself even at 50 your allowed to do that! (Im older:) Good Luck to you I hope you find it in yourself to get out of bed
re: ''and what I put them through.'' You put conscienceless people through nothing at all. They require scapegoats to continue
wearing masks of perfection to themselves and others. Deceit is their very breath. At some point, we--the victims--must put on
''new glasses'' to see that we've been robbed of the true people we are. And if we actually were just like them, we'd be all the
things they are. Inside, you've proven you are courageous, protective of their victims, believe in true justice, truthful, and decent.
Our moms must have been ''related.'' I ended up with my mom's ashes. I finally realize that If she couldn't love me while alive,
there's no way she's going to love me now that she's dead. Two siblings are dead now. After reading what you wrote, I think it's
time the larger part of our family and I release her ashes to the place she loved. So thank you for your honesty.
❤
@@mariehosch156 ❤
@@kathleenthurin845 ❤
I laughed out loud at “I’m on three, you wanna see me on ten??😡”
Great video, thank you as always.
OMG thank you for calling well adjusted people magical unicorns. When I read about attachment styles it said that over 50% of people are safely attached and I just don't know where these people are and it made me feel like more of an outlier. Saying in this case that the 'ideal situation' is actually quite rare, made me feel so comfortable.
Well-adjusted people become friends with, date and marry other well-adjusted people. They don’t like drama
Normies kinda freak me out 😅
Its sad that Im a Magical Unicorn and that its rare.
@@VelveteenRabbit77 very..says more about our society than it does about you
I think they're all farmers, mechanics, and maintenance people. Maybe taxi drivers.
I was the peacekeeper of the house as a child, so all of this 100% resonates with me and I'm working with my therapist to overcome it. I remember being yelled at a lot as a child for trying to stop the constant arguing and fighting between my mom and dad, and my mom and grandmother. I never realized it was never my job to begin with, but strangely enough, that behavior actually saved my life because it gave me purpose, even though I was unsuccessful 90% of the time.
I've never heard someone describe this the same way that I do. I'm so sorry we share this but happy we're not alone
This is maybe the best video on childhood trauma I have ever seen. I’m crying. I recently found a therapist who I truly believe will be able to help me. She works at the VA hospital, specifically with trauma victims, and on my first visit she dove right into the narcissistic abuse and the abandonment trauma. This week we are discussing the EMDR she is going to take me through. And then the next week, I start the therapy.
I want to show this to her. I’m only at the end of #1, and this man has essentially just described my life, with not one word out of place or irrelevant. Instant subscriber.
Feeling the need for people to understand me and GET me is a large part of the trauma. And I am always sending quality videos to people, knowing most of them don’t care at all. That’s really all I focus on these days. I live in the vacuum.
EMDR changed my life. I hope it helped you!
Can you elaborate on what you mean about sending videos to people, bc I think I do that too.
wanna be video exchanging buddies?
bcz I felt the same and quit sending and began just posting to my FB..where friends unsubscribe from my page bcz of "all negative stuff" I'm posting. turns out those who feel it's negative are the NARCISSISTS! ..it was like I was indirectly calling them out. as soon as they got me isolated the SHTF! .. OMG .. never allow anyone relative to isolate you - I'm sure they're the worst.
EMDR is the BEST!!
Every hero in a story is a child trauma survivor. It’s why they begin their journey as an orphan in some way, shape, or form. And it’s true in story because it’s true in us. Great video!
Thank you so much for your videos. I unfortunately, like many others, cannot afford what you’re giving us. For you to just tell us these things is very generous. In the past, when I was able to afford treatment, it was never this understandable for me. You break it down to a simplicityI can learn and apply to my life. I have gotten much more from this “free” knowledge than any thing I was forced to pay for. Again thank you soooooo much!!
That's what I find. There are no therapists who can work on this level with regard to ACNA. I stopped trying years ago, and the online therapists are so expensive and not covered by insurance. I think it is the fault of the educational system. I had never heard the word narcissist until I was around 45 years old, and I'm 60. I started therapy at the age of 19. Had I known any of this, my life could have been so much better. Instead, I blamed myself for 45 years, even after having a nervous breakdown.
It is sad that in America, the so called greatest nation on Earth, only the rich or the lucky who have good insurance are entitled to health. Everyone else is at the window looking in. Like hungry children.
@@IIcorrinthians519 Your story is similar to mine. Once I figured things out (the word/meaning of narcissist for example) I read and searched for all the information I could find to make sense of how I felt and what I experienced. Once I found the words and realized what I went through had a name, and I wasn't alone, I could then move forward living a life where I was not all the terrible things I'd been told I was, and that I, in fact, am pretty damn awesome :) . I also had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. The way I look at it is that once it all fell to pieces, I could then pick them up and put them where they rightly belonged. Hugs to you
@@sf8137 I"m so tired :( so worn out from the physical side of CPTSD and narcissitic trauma.
@@IIcorrinthians519 yes I can relate to this
I have never in my life, come across a channel which describes everything and anything about how I feel as a wounded adult. Your wording fits perfectly with everything some of us have been through in life.
I spent five weeks in a psych hospital following profound depression and a point where I was really drawn to suicide but called my therapist. The big take away was the moment in a group time when I realized I didn’t have my own feelings. My parents told me how to feel and I accommodated. I remember the moment by eyes got big with realization, I signaled to a nurse and ran out of the room. She followed me and I was able to tell her. At first I thought I might forget but after sharing it I knew I never would. In my forties then, seventies now and it is a clear memory and I am still respectful of my feelings and will stand up for them if needed.
As an adult I'm still that lost little girl inside. I'm always trying to please others and am extremely empathetic. I literally know no other way to be. It's hard to shut off. I'm always trying to "rescue" others and trying to "fix" them. It's so emotionally draining.
Millieo you are so right
@@Elizabeth-qu6ib Thank you I think when our soul, spirit needs are not met it makes us empathic. We know what we didn’t get. Maybe this is also true for you but for me finding empathy for the little girl within has been the hardest. It’s been thirty years since the time I wrote about and only in the last year I can sometimes see/feel compassion and support for the alone little girl. Blessings for your heart and soul.
I kindof relate to this. But I'm scared to face that reality, so I've just been pushing it away at every chance :/
"My parents told me how to feel and I accommodated" - So hear this 💛💛
Every single video that I watch of yours is like a breath of fresh air. You've helped me put a name to and understand so many things that I struggle with in such a gentle and non-judgmental way. I also appreciate that you focus more on the thought/emotional/physiological processes of the survivor rather than the abuser in contrast to a lot of other childhood trauma podcasts out there. It's so helpful and so validating. ❤
Not just fresh air but air itself! 🥰
So true. I greatly appreciate that aspect.
Working on my C-PTSD over the last seven years I have subconsciously learned to emotionally distinguish between trauma caused by my alcoholic rage-full parent which caused disconnection, overt anxiety and terror, and the trauma caused by my covert narcissist parent where the damage was deliberate, targeted and malicious. Strangely even though the overt rages and unpredictability were terrible and caused awful numbness and seriousness/intensity, the deepest body chilling, shaking terror was caused by the malice which felt (and still feels) very personal. For me it is by far the hardest damage to recover from.
I had the same constellation of parents and agree. My mother’s covert abuse is what damaged me WAY more than my rageaholic drinking father.
@@lisad8524 I have even wondered how much my mother’s behaviour added to my father’s alcoholism. I married a narcissist and was with him for twenty five years. I know what that did to me, and looking back I can see the speedy but gradual eroding of my father’s joy in life until there was only an angry paranoid raging man left.
Thank you I feel the same way. I havent heard many people talk about that malice. I dated a sociopath who tried to damage me psychologically as much as he could over the course of 2yrs. Any insecurity I let him know about, he made worse. He was calm, cool and collected when he made my worst nightmares come true. Seeing that malice in his eyes at the end was horrible. It definitely haunts me more deeply than other abuse I've been through though all abuse is awful. Thank you for your comment❤
This guy's videos are also helpful. They are mostly about scapegoatted children, but he frequently will say, "or as an adult in an abusive relationship".
@@nina-mill it’s that malice that stays with us I think, that makes it feel more personal even though we just happen to be the (current) target. Good luck with your healing and in finding a safe place in your heart where you know you are enough whatever anyone does. ❤️❤️
Beyond what a child's nervous system can handle...I've sometimes said my little circuits were fried as a child...too much when I was too little...thank you for putting it in better words...and thank you for helping all of us who are still hurting to better understand our life experiences in a way that may allow us to heal a little and move forward in better shape ❤
"Circuits were fried". Omg, yes! You put that perfectly! When your circuits are fried, you can't do anything. You have just enough energy to survive the day, and that's it.
I said to my husband about my family " Am I crazy?" Then I switched. "You know what? You're not crazy and you see it. I can hang my hat on that whether I see correctly or not ". So reassuring when you really have people worthy of trust.
I have created a second family of people whose perception I trust not to take power over me and it saves my life.
That's beautiful Dawn 😍 I hope I find that one day! Right now I'm all alone, but that's ok because it's better to be alone than to be mistreated ❤️
Talking about triggers to the vacuum response: I am an American living in Scotland and married to a British guy, meaning I have thousands of miles of space from my parents (which suits me!) but not a lot of space from his, who live in the south of England - not *close* but certainly not an unassailable difference. This spring, while visiting us, his parents mentioned that they would like to move to within an hour from us and my immediate intense response was dread and claustrophobia. However, when I had some time to think and reflect, I realised that that reaction was not borne out of who his parents actually are and what our relationship is with them, but was instead coming from a place of trauma. It was such a massive learning moment for me! My husband and I are going to have a discussion with his parents about boundaries and expectations and trauma because transparency in those types of things are so important to me. Plus, I owe it to them to be open about how my initial reactions are not always what I actually want. I am actually looking forward to them moving closer!
Thanks for sharing this lovely story.
The book he mentions, John Bradshaw's Homecoming is a book he has mentioned previously. I read it and am now rereading it. This book has had a profound effect on me and my interpretation of my past. I can't recommend it enough.
I;ve decided to order it. Thanks to both you and Patrick for the recommendation!
I love that but sometimes I feel like I got stuck in the past. Like if I'm trying to learn how I became this way but don't know how to better it
It's also on video & posted on TH-cam.
Thank you, looking forward to checking this out.
I learnt plenty from Healing the Shame that Binds You...
I cannot stress enough and say that you have to be one of the top TH-camr/ psychologist who speaks in a way that people understand and really really get what is going on. You are amazing. May God bless you with many years to do the work that you do.
I cried while I watched this. I spent the first 40-some years of my life not knowing other people felt these things and that the ways I coped were common.
I still blame myself for everything in my day to day life. I’m stupid, too fat to be loved, I’m “too sensitive”.
I have a great therapist, a medication that helps me be able to be myself and enjoy life more, and a wonderful daughter who gives me endless support.
Wow, I can really see myself in all of these. (And I was one of the children who was raged at until I left my body, so I'm grateful you brought up that!)
I have to go back and watch that video because I missed that part and thought that I was the only one that happened to. I’d never heard anyone else talking about it!
I know I also though I was only one that experienced that.
To be joyful as a child when you’re around miserable adults, yep! I find I often temper my enthusiasm as an adult around miserable adults, and it took listening to this to realize it. Great talk! Created a lot of clarity. Thank you!
I liken my experience of childhood trauma as "paper doll syndrome". My siblings and I were the paper dolls in someone else's playtime. We were not allowed to be human beings or have emotions. Only the owner of the paper dolls was allowed to display its feelings as anger and physical abuse. I was the little adult trying to keep my siblings from "causing" us all more abusive outbursts. Sadly, nothing I did or did not do was ever going to change the hell we lived in.
❤❤❤
I so feel this to
Your description of the vacuum relational experience just blew my mind! It's so hard to trust your own reality after having it questioned so much. Someone can treat you like complete crap and you'll still want a second opinion on them. But that's the thing - we shouldn't feel like we need a second opinion just to set boundaries and protect ourselves. I always felt like other people's opinions were more "objective" than mine, but that isn't even true. There is no "objective reality" about how another person is, only our judgement and other people's judgement. And when it comes down to it, I'd rather make decisions based on how I truly feel than about what is "objective" but makes me feel like crap. I think as people with trauma we tend to be overly accommodating of others and leave ourselves in the dust, so it's become really important to me to think about how I feel and what I want before automatically compromising or putting up with things I don't need to. Really grateful for these videos!
"I think as people with trauma we tend to be over accomodating and leave ourselves in the dust.". 💯👍🏻😭
And here's another thing: we use our talents, never recognized or supported by parents, to help others, but not ourselves. I've done this my whole life, and I'm 76. Only now am I starting to claim my talents for myself. There's tremendous grief about that, and resentment too that I've never been able to banish because I came to my realization so late in life in spite of people around me who referred to it. EG: "Why do settle for the crumbs when you could have the whole cake?"
My first therapist, who helped me and taught me so much, said I reminded her of the little match girl.
For the most part, except for a few things, I see my life as wasted. I think a lot of people with trauma feel like that when they eventually --if ever-- wake up to what they have squandered.
I feel so much shame about my resentment because one is so barraged with the message of, Stop Blaming Your Parents, or Get Over It. What if you just can't get over it even though you've tried for half a century?
Omg I'm resonating so much with number 3 it hurts lol. When I first started doing inner work one of the things I noticed is how angry and upset I'd be if someone had a different perspective on someone I didn't like.... felt like I was personally being attacked. Took me a long time to trust my own dislike without needing it validated by others. Thanks for sharing this... relieving to know its not just me that experiences it.
How I cried since I am validated enough and even named what I am experiencing. It’s really hard to function in today’s society as a childhood trauma survivor. I am masking a lot of things since I gone to university and need to function as a good student but that’s so overwhelming at times because I have compromised emotional imbalanced and every thing that he mentions. Now I’m becoming more aware of who I am and I am a childhood trauma survivor. I couldn’t help but to become more aware of my reality and by that I could start my journey to healing and love.
Exactly
I had to totally rewire my brain and stay single to take just a few steps to healing from a traumatic life. I was raised in abuse and trauma and than married a very abusive man. I finally chose life and self love .
Thank you for you video
It's nice to have my feelings validated
It helps. I only cried like 18 times watching this.
Awe
I recently moved out my narcissistic mother's house. She has been telling lies and trying to get my address even when I expressly told her I didn't wanted to. I noticed it that I react to any loud noises in my apartment in fear of it being her opening the door while enraged, and me getting ready to be screamed at. She also always called me a dirty, dirty lazy b..tch so I believed it. To the point I believed I couldn't mantain or take care of chores and clean my house by my own, and resigning to having a cleaner one every so often. Turns out I can do it by my own and in pretty good. Managing my chronic illness and clean the apartment is pretty easy for me. So yeah I have been proud of myself lately
I don't know you, but I'm proud of you too. Stay strong and keep taking care of yourself!
I'm proud of you too!
thank you! this means a lot to me 😭
You can do this, have you gone no contact with her or any possible flying monkeys too??
Give yourself the first foremost benefit of the doubt, have a power plan, even rehearse if that happened where she found you. what you CAN do in your power. it will help you feel equipped.
Sooo proud of you!!!
Being an 18 year old single child, there are many incidents in my life where I felt vacuum relational experience.it was so weird and recently when I tried to explain these with one of my friend,I felt she was so invalidating.she told me you are just overacting,overthinking and there is nothing like that.
Anyway big thanks for this vedio...I never had someone telling me these feelings are true😇
This entire episode was a revelation to me. I was gaslit from birth and always felt (or made to feel) awkward, and indeed was rejected by my cousins and bullied by other kids, and overly scrutinized by my parents but never validated. I'm in my 60s and still suffer the after effects despite several rounds of therapy. Each helps a little more. Your videos give me a great, validating framework through which to seek help again and know what to focus on. Thank you.
... im 55 .. currently in therapy .. and i relate to your comment .. i was the scapegoat child.
sending best regards..
Same. My older sister was allowed to beat me up. When I got big enough to successfully fight back we were stopped.
67 here and I'll be damned if I don't fix this before I leave this earth
@@vaudwanhandley9277 that's my view as well. I also want a healthy relationship with with a man and to have a healthy marriage. I want a collection of good friends men and women. I will be a while. But, I will not let "them" control me longer than it takes to heal.
Your comment could have been mine, if I could have found the words. I've been looking for some form of reference framework all my life. These videos are the closest I have ever found.
While I couldn't "escape" my narcissistic, abusive (single) mother, I distinctly remember the moment and exactly where I stood in the bedroom of the duplex we lived in, and consciously determined, unequivocally, that I HATED my mother. I couldn't define it then, but I fully recognized in that moment that she was toxic, abusive, and a danger to me, and that she didn't love or want me. I was aged 6 or 7. I wanted to say it out loud, but fortunately, I didn't. The dynamics never changed for the balance of the 18 years we were under the same roof. I prompted a reconciliation in the later years of her life after she had "grown up" quite a bit and had long since quit drinking. That was a good move for both of us, but of course the damage was done.
I was 4 when I split off emotionally from her and challenged her on her crap.
I got this herbal supplement from Dr Oyalo channel and used it on my son for 4week and within the period of using it there was positive changes which really urge me to continue and I can say my son is free from autism now as his speech and social skill has improved
I split from her as far back as I could remember. As a twin she stated I was HERS while my twin sis was MY DADs. But I remember screaming whenever she held me and finding peace and safety in my fathers arms. Not long ago when old photo albums were discovered, images of my emotional states were apparent from infancy. Needless to say, my views didn't bode well for my future w a narc raging mom who required limitless adulation, worship and power.
Childhood was most often HELL.
My fear and anger at her was never in question, but required my staying silent as I seethe inside. At 12 y old I decided I would never pass this hatred on to another human. At 26 I had a tubal ligation. At 62 I honestly attest this was the most pure, honest, rational and altruistic decision I could have made.
Good wishes and Love to all those with whom this story reads familiar to their own childhoods ❤
Life can improve, if you're willing to do the work 😊
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
so much relatable comments. i was also around 6 or 7 when i realised i hate my mother and that she was in the wrong. I even told some people she isnt my mother. I felt that it was some monster holding me hostage not a mother
The most difficult part is how much I identify with these, yet "normal" people never seem to get you. They think you are nuts. I do take things too seriously and don't get red flags and have such a battle going on with perception of myself. Thank you for more clarity and understanding.
Exactly! Many ppl don't care and don't understand. They maybe never will. But we know better. And just know that I know what you feel like. And many of us abuse victims do.
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month is using the herbs my herbs completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it.
You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
After looking at Aspergers spectrum tests online, I noticed that symptoms of abuse look like some of those symptoms. Not meeting eyes, being isolated, not having friends or being active in school, lack of affect .....
Its confusing af. Is it Aspergers or cPTSD or both?
or bpd???
Traits are shared in many ways bc it's similar mechanisms human brains do. For a diagnosis you need to have various distinct things.
My doctor decided to treat the symptoms rather than get bogged down in what it was or wasn’t. Childhood trauma js definitely present but was presenting similar to ADHD or ASD, so I have an adderall prescription now that was life changing.
I felt emotions. I had never felt joy before, ever. I’m a career classical pianist because it’s the only thing that my parents could “brag” about to random strangers but I’d never felt joy while playing. Apparently normal people enjoy music? Weird. Anyway, on adderall I actually enjoyed playing the piano for the first time ever after nearly 30 years of playing through the torture. It was heartbreaking to realize that I’d been robbed of this emotion that comes automatically for other people.
Don’t forget attachment disorder?
This, to me is the most accurate description of literally all the ways I cope (coped) with the trauma of having a dysfunctional family life growing up. I am now 68 yrs old, and to this day still "go inside my head" to feel somewhat safe.
His herbs have helped my child improve in his speech and social skills using his herbs
I got the herbs after 5days as he said. And got the instructions of use from his too with the package
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month of using the herbs my child completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it. He is back to school now and I’m happy 😃
You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
1
The cop thing happened to me with my dad verbatum. they looked at me like i was insane. im sorry you went through that
The abusive family system, growing up in toxicity. Listening to you is like you know my childhood secrets. Like you lived in my house. Thank you
Thanks Patrick for being here on TH-cam. I'm a marine infantry combat veteran who's 26 years old. The only way I could become aware of my childhood issues was having my first psychotic episode lasting 2 weeks and waking up with a PTSD diagnosis in the hospital last spring. Had 2 dissasoications since, and currently am on cbd to sustain debilitating physical symptoms trying to keep away from meds unless i have no choice. Your work and personal experience on here has been motivating to see you do inspires me to keep on going seeing how far you've come. Everyday physically and emotionally hurts and no telling if I'll get fired or bumped out of school again having more out of body symptoms again but the channel has been huge to get through the months at least to learn something waiting on therpay right now is great. I too work in healthcare as a EMT and am a nursing student atm even though I enjoy psychology a lot now. Thank you.
Thank you for your service and and story
Thank you for your service.
Whatever challenge you have, you can overcome. Thanks for your service.
God bless you! I wish you the best!
Psychological health unit nursing, perhaps?
Being chill on the outside and on the inside having a fire, leaving my body, extreme anxiety about making mynute mistakes, and coming off as intense without realizing it, constantly being and feeling isolated, afraid to express emotions to parents, all of it describes my life. And it doesn't help when the trauma prevents you from making any friends or supportive groups. I gave up trying to make friends ever since I was stood up by 16 people, we were supposed to have a group dinner
Exactly. Therapists and just people in general just do Not understand that you can have that constant anxiety inside not always on the outside.
Those people. ..like most of the ones I choose, are assholes. 😐 though the pain they cause hurts, we are better off without them.🙄 I'm pretty much a hermit and would rather be alone than with cruel people. Hopefully 1 day we will feel comfortable with healthy good people. ☺
Cyberhuggs
so sorry. Their behavior, not yours, is abnormal. They were bullies, or at least two were, to eadily herd the willing sheep. I bet at least one of them feels bad for doing this. When they have kids of their own, who are victims, it will dawn on them; the harm caused. They will feel remorse then. The best you can do, is thrive like it didn't matter, even though it does, to show them how insignificant their rejction is; in that you make it clear to them that theur approval means nothing to you. Did they discover that you showed up? Did you ever tell even one of them your hurt? Well, I can assure you, things have or will happen to them to cause each of those individuals to reflect. Only the psychos among the 16 will justify their actions. Not all of them are psychos, just weak individuals. You, the recipient of such unkindness, are not weak like them. God bless.
Oh no, that must have been horrible for you! I'm so sorry that happened - I would have been unable to cope. Your strength is truly amazing. Hugs to you.
My mom always down played how abusive my father was to her and us kids. Later on in my life my dad significantly improved. But my mother became the abusive one. And she downplayed her own abuse. This is definitely why I feel like I have no idea what’s going on ever. I don’t trust myself at all. It helps to know why I struggle with this though. Thank you.
I have been working on my healing from CPTSD for a long long time. You are the first person to describe the vacuum relational experience...spot on and it's a way I feel a lot when triggered..makes So much sense but the most life affirming point here is the NO ONE has seen me in this way or understood the loneliness I feel when this happens until you described this and for that, I am eternally grateful to you. I have particular appreciation for CPTSD practitioners who have also experienced it because it makes the recover work richer in my opinion, thank you!
Ikr?!?!🤯
I notice that since anger was one of the first repressed emotions I 'unearthed' during my recovery, I started out by being quick to anger a lot without having a moment's pause. I would feel panic and want to hide, but the gateway to my anger was now open, and I'd go to 5 or a 10 sometimes. Because of this video I realize that half the time, those high-emotion moments were *actually* repressed disgust or shame. They sort of amplified the anger bc they were shunted into that one avenue to be expressed. I think it's so powerful to see this on a graph and think about what emotions could be more encouraged to just exist. Thank you Patrick.
PERFECT NARRATIVE!
@@electricfishfan 🙏
Woah. I have always assumed that I have low self-esteem because I am greatly affected by what you’ve described as the “perception problem.” Huge reframe for me to think of it this way!!!
Ive experienced that numb or vacuum sensation, which is pretty much linked to depression and disassociation. Would love for you to talk about how CPTSD changes our perception of reality and tools to bring us back to acceptance of reality when it happens.
As someone who has an extensive history of seeking and researching and benefiting from counselling and personal healing approaches, there has never been a better 37 mins in my life where I felt “this person genuinely understands what I’m feeling”… yet, I didn’t say a word! Your experiences and stories were like hearing snippets from my own! I’m feeling heard, inspired, and hopeful. Thank you so much, Patrick. I am really looking forward to checking out your site and more of your content!
Got super defensive when my family dogpiled me about my horrible taste in music the other day and couldn't quite explain why because I only remember one time in my childhood where my music taste specifically was criticized, and it was a really benign memory and Mom even stood up for me. But then I remembered being bullied for watching cartoons in 5th grade, having my books stolen and damaged because my habit of reading on the bus was "weird," being called cringe for STILL watching cartoons in high school, and suddenly my defensiveness makes a lot more sense. I'm never on the same page as my peers and that always meant being bullied or alienated, so that fear comes out as defensiveness or extreme fawning (at one point I threw out my book when the bullying got bad, then later fished it out of the trash, like a bad sitcom).
So much of this video resonated with me, but for some reason the part that mentioned thinking things would be so much better for your parents if they got divorced really got me. Such a small part, but I never knew that was something other kids have felt before. It was a really big part of my childhood thinking.
Omg sameeee! I thought that was particular to my situation; didn’t know it was a common thing to think that even around 7 or 8 years old
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on TH-cam, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help
I met my first “magical unicorn” in third grade. My friend group all found her a bit baffling. We were friends from and early age for a reason. Rather than watch afar in amazement, we made sure she liked us best. All we wanted was to bubble wrap this fairy-like young girl. Who I’m proud to say nine years later we were all crying like fools and hugging one another when we graduated, together. That was one unicorn we were all the better for growing up with.
hi patrick!
i don't normally comment on videos due to being a bit shy online, but i just wanted to say your videos are so helpful for me.
i'm currently 17, waiting for my 18th birthday where i can finally cut off my parents, so i know i can't exactly fully heal yet. i'm still protecting myself from a very unstable mother and father. but, it's helpful to know why my brain does the things it does, and i feel like i now have words for my experiences. you have taught me a lot and i'm so grateful i managed to find your channel so i can understand myself better from an earlier age.
thank you for being such an inspiring figure for me, and giving me hope that i can be someone as cool as you. because of you, i have hope that i can live a healthy life despite everything i struggle through!
Leave as soon as possible and never look back. Use them as a template for what NOT to be for the rest of your life. Make them your anti role model.
I'm so sorry that your parents can't be there for you the way you deserve . I would give anything to have a child and can't imagine not being there for them . You sound like a very insightful young person . I pray that you have healthy relationships and can find emotionally mature adults to support you . ❤
I'm so glad you are dealing with it at such a young age.
Sorry we got parents like that.
dont stick around, baited by the potential for an inheritance. i got disowned at 42. which was evidently the plan all along. what to do with a life wasted playing it "safe"? regret.
Practice reading emotional cues & reacting appropriately. This has always been a struggle for me. If that rings for you, practice it. Will serve you well. Wishing you all the best.
Agree with the others, I’ve been to at least 10 therapists and have not made progress until the internet, childhood trauma info, and especially Patrick! Thank you Patrick!
Although my trauma didn't originate from my parents, their continued refusal to see it as anything but normal and invalidate my feelings of hurt really helped to increase all three of these symptoms in me.
It really takes so much work to navigate these symptoms, especially since so much of it can result in not trusting your own opinion or perception of what occurred.
Thanks so much for making all of these great resources freely accessible to us!
Talked with a veterans counsler years ago. He changed my life and 100% confirmed cptsd. My gut never lies to me and has kept me safe into my mid 30s
This is SUCH powerful information, thank you Doc. It’s like the education alone is what is doing the healing.
Story of my life. I am 60 years old and it’s taken me my whole life to figure this out. My baseline existence is in flight or fight response. I have to affirm my safety and work on double checking my perceptions all the time. Yes to divorce making things better.
For many of us it takes a lifetime to heal from trauma - you're not alone
me too at 67 5 yrs knowing NPD undiagnoised you're not alone stronger now having been thru gods life lesson
@@andrewbeckman7687 same
After one week of using the herbs on my child I notice eye contact, little speech improvement and response to name which motivates me. After one month is using the herbs my herbs completely improve from ASD and his therapist also confirmed it.
You ca count on him.. ❤ from 🇦🇹
Get the best remedy to improve your child’s autistic condition from doctor Oyalo as his herbs have helped my child improve in speech and social skill very well. He now respond to name, point at what he wants and call mama/papa. God bless you doctor
Stopped at 4:14 and SO spot on already. My goodness Patrick, do you even realize how incredibly helpful your content is to so many?! A sincere and heartfelt thank you for all that you do.
I got stuck at Perception. That is the story of my life! After hearing that I could not even concentrate on anything else so I am saving this video to do 1 step at a time. Thank you so much for doing this service free online. -hugs- I am 75 years old and just beginning to understand myself. Thank you! ♡