Horrific, I was with my dismissive avoident ex fiance 18months. We were getting married this year. He sent a extremely nasty txt after coming down early than planned, due to my mental health. I stupidly called him and went to his. That went fine. He then sent another nasty txt saying, I have too many problems (which he'd caused mentally) and couldn't see a way forward. I said ok. He sent an apologetic txt. Stupidly I went to his place. I got cruelly discarded again over a spilt cup of tea, where I nearly fainted. He shouted, called me reckless. And told me to take my possessions out of his place. I was in tears all the way home, a 2 hr drive. He's not reached out at all since it happened 2 weeks ago 😢💔
@@beaker7353damn sorry to hear that, I had 3 kids with my ex 2 step kids, didn’t know anything was wrong until I seen txt then she deleted them saying she was just sad we wasn’t going out so I took her out more then a week later saw sex txts and she went left the kids with me she been gone 2 months and is getting a house and taking the kids, my 4 year old cries for her every night she misses her mum so I can’t keep her, she says she needs time to think and just spend time with the kids I can’t stand broken family’s and still love her I wasn’t innocent just didn’t know anything was wrong because she never told me and when she did I booked a 300 pound spa day for her … that didn’t go well since she spent it on the phone to her new fella couldn’t understand where it all went wrong tbh it can be sorted I have faith I can still keep the family together iv made changes so I have faith she will see I’m the better option, we have been together 12 years
I did nearly 7 months ago. It's the usual scenario involving DAs. The hurt I experienced was deep because I was forced to break a deep bond. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about attachment styles so I can best vet my next partner as well as remind myself to be forgiving of myself, him and the situation and see the experience as a blessing. People come into our lives because they are supposed to be part of our journeys. The more I learn about DAs and how that attachment style actually impacts your biochemistry, the more I understand why they do what they do. I used to suffer from anxiety, and I for one know how no matter how I tried to rationalize that I was safe, the sensations I felt told me I wasn't. I think this is similar to what they go through when they are closely bonded with someone.
I am at the present I have been watching your videos and joined the pds to watch more and learn how to reconnect but when I joined the FB group I was met with something that was harder than the break up when asking for advice I was told to leave her alone move on and they did not believe any of the videos that were being posted or if you should be doing videos like this it was very. I want to believe that it is possible and I understand that it does not work all the time but the FB groub was not very supportive it actually made me feel worse
It was a nightmare. She completely stonewalled me and blocked me out. The way she treated me was like night an day with how quickly it switched. For a long time I was upset because I thought she was a monster, but your videos have helped me gain a wider perspective on avoidants. Now I know she was hurting too but I just couldn't see it. I hope she's doing alright and is in the process of healing not just from the breakup but also her deep childhood wounds.
Both DA's and FA's will miss you post break up but their lack of vulnerability and expecting relationships to be "perfect" will make them run away from what could have been a healthy relationship 💯
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool So how if you have tried all of the ideas and tools… and the DA will do some things but is still distant and will never take accountability. It’s like everything is my fault, even when I bring up softly an issue the really is well you do it to me. I reply: does it hurt you? .. well no… so then I don’t need to change it bc it doesn’t effect you but it DOES effect me…
@@Mermaid03_03 There is a repetition of the word 'I' used at least four times. Relationships are 'we' not 'I'. Think more in terms of teamwork or team sports . Replace solitaire with tennis.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
@@GeoffreyAngapa why is that necessary to know? If someone was with you then they wanted to be there. Yes some lose feelings faster than others and it's easier for them to move on, but I'm confused as to why anyone needs this to feel okay with the past situation. What comfort does it bring?
I don't understand it personally. Maybe before I started PDS courses and was less healed I cared some, but I don't have the view that relationships last forever. I think they run there course. Break ups happen.
omg this is happening to me rn, ended 8 months ago, since the past 2.5month, they back online watching everything I post, they don't message or do anything, just watching. I had to get off socials cause it was getting annoying .
I can honestly say I've never missed an ex, but now I understand why. It's because I always did everything in my power to make the relationship work and it failed. By the time I left (or vice-versa) there was nothing left. It kind of reminds me of how I try to deescalate street fights even now. I go above and beyond to not have to fight. In fact, I have a friend who's also a martial artist and it's bigger and stronger than I am. We were in a group talking about a few encounters we had at bars and nightclubs and while relaying his story he said, "there's a reason he's my friend and not my enemy. He's show to anger, but get him there and he's completely cutthroat." I share the story above to illustrate the importance of doing all you can to make something work before giving up. As we say in the self defense world, "walk a mile to avoid the fight, but if the fight is on don't back down an inch." Not to mix metaphors, but the relationship equivalent would be, "climb the mountain to save the relationship, but if it can't be salvaged, find another mountain to climb."
I think this is what will eventually help Me to get moving on. I did make many mistakes but I always did my best. I learned, searched, healed, tried to communicate as well as I could at each situation. I wasn't perfect but I was certainly trying to be. Up until now I was looking at things and seeing where I was wrong...now I am going to try to see how I tried all I could. Wasn't perfect but as didn't get much coordination from him (DA) I could also say I tried my best. Sometimes it's not meant to be I guess, even if it feels like it is...
@@LenkaSingh-gl2be I had a similar situation when I broke up with my ex. She was AP, but she also didn't like hearing any point of view that wasn't her own. Anyway, a friend of mine had broken up with her ex around the same time and we were talking about our experiences over drinks one night. I told her I should probably have tried something different and she immediately said, "forget about it now, focus on the lessons you've learned and adjust going forward." This was a great reminder, given the breakup was still fresh. All that said, we have to move with facts, not with feelings. We may feel something is right, but unless there's congruency with the facts we could be walking into a burning building. As Boxing and Kickboxing champion Troy Dorsey said, "we can't go by feelings..." and I tend to agree!
My boyfriend of just over a year suddenly discarded me 11.5 months ago. We were such a good match, and good for each other. We were going to get married and had planned our future together, all the way into our retirement. I was completely blindsided when he suddenly let on that he was thinking about breaking up. He was grasping for reasons. Told me he wouldn’t make a good husband right now, that I deserved someone who would love me fully, told me he felt anxious about our relationship the entire time and that he was just going with the flow. (Which is all SUCH a load of crap!) It has been incredibly painful. I only recently learned about avoidant attachment style, and it explains EVERYTHING. I’m still heartbroken, but at least now I have some understanding of what happened. If he ever comes back to me, I would take him back in a heartbeat, WITH conditions. I would set some clear boundaries of my expectations so that I don’t end up here again. Whatever happens, I hope and pray every day that he can heal from his traumas and have a happy life.
This is correct unfortunately. They have no ability to form real attachments to people, so they use people until they get triggered (which is inevitable), then they discard. They lack empathy which is why the discard is even easier for them. They're not the exact same as narcissists, but they're quite similar.
I had a very difficult last few days and really wished my ex were around but I held my ground and self control. I love them a whole bunch and they apologized. However,I’m not giving one bit until it’s healthy enough. I hope they know how much I love and adore them and feel their presence. I don’t hurt anymore and I know what’s best for me. In order for things to turn around they have to change their issues and surroundings. I am not mad but wish I hadn’t endured so much external hurt. At least I knew I can handle things. It’s not weak to show your emotions and no one is going to take advantage.
as a DA, i can say i hardly miss my exs but they were also unhealed ppl with baggage so maybe thats why. its not a matter of when i miss them, at the end of the day its how much do u miss a person? as a DA i dont have the emotional bandwidth for an intimate relationship im too caught up in my own emotional turbulence and things I am working on sorting out. I believe attachment styles can change based on each interaction you have. if i missed someone enough we wouldnt have broken up. if a DA broke up with you they might miss you sometimes but not enough to fight for you
You should 'dismiss' any thoughts of them missing you. They're really not worth thinking about. Why waste your energy & time wondering what's going on in their avoidant minds. Try to 'avoid' such thoughts in the same way the avoidant avoided you. Simply move on and live your life.
@chiaraA. Ruminating over whether or not an avoidant actually misses you is futile. It stems from wanting to naively believe that you mattered or that the relationship did. That perhaps, they valued the relationship in the same way you did. In other words, it's being in a deep state of denial. It's akin to believing that the hobgoblin is real. Nothing is important or unimportant but thinking something is makes it so.
@@HippieZippy For me I really worked on distancing myself from that whole hot mess and at the same time educated myself which only verified the horror show going on with that person - for anyone thinking they can 'break thru' and get to the person to get them to care - is really as you say engaging in deep denial. You are not a special unicorn able to change others especially when their early beginnings caused this avoidancy. Learn that there are quite a subset of humans walking around on this planet that seemingly look perfectly fine when that is not the case
I was dating a DA and I'm AP but I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. On top of that, I have some sort of emotional dysregulation. I could express what my issues were but expected him to be able to help me with them. I can't imagine how stifled he was feeling. (At the same time, he wasn't really willing to have any serious discussions ever. His understanding was that any serious discussion was going to have a negative outcome.) I hadn't understood taking responsibility for my own issues. I discovered the attachment styles while we were on a break that I initiated (honestly knowing what would probably happen) and he broke up with me before the break was over. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm very happy I found this channel so I at least can understand some of what he was possibly going through during our relationship. I hope he misses me, but it's only been a little over a month and he was a pretty extreme DA, so probably not right now. As an AP, I was missing him before we broke up. Honestly, I was so disregulated by the end of the relationship that I have a hard time believing he would miss me at all.
My ex avoidant partner was already seeing someone before leaving me (as I was difficult and the new lady was so great and understanding). No time to process any emotions at all. Why feel something uncomfortable if one can make himself feel better through new relationship....for me, anxious one, I am still single and processing my grief.
Thank you for your videos, Thais! You are making a difference for your fellow humans navigating the crazy, mystifying world of relationships. God bless you for caring and sharing. 💟✝️☮️
There have only been two people I missed. One was a dear friend I didn’t have the tools to be there for. She stopped talking to me which I accepted, I wonder though if I should have tried but since she cut things off I respected/will respect that. The other was a man who I found very morally reprehensible. We could joke around, enjoy each others company but I found his treatment and mindset about women troubling and knew before long he’d try his toxicity with me. I cut that one off and though I miss the company, common sense tells me I did the right thing. I’d rather suffer some boredom than the long term damage of someone potentially harmful. Signed, a DA lol
Would you ever consider reaching out to the friend? I ask because I distanced from my ex because it was too painful for me as I try to detach from him not being able to be my boyfriend and open up to me. (He seemed to be a little more open in a friend state the last few months) At our age we’re not dating to date, and I thought he wanted the same things, but he got spooked but said he wants to be friends and will always consider me as his people. To him that was probably a compliment, to me it was a knife to the heart. He pursued me for 2 yrs, and when I gave him a chance as a partner he was hot and cold after 3 months or so. He went from daily texts sending funny vids, etc to disappearing for days to 2 weeks once or twice. This was so confusing and I never chased, I mirrored. I know better now. I suspect that the shift happened after he text me I love you but when I asked if he was talking to me, he replied, he meant that for his mom. Not sure if that’s true or not, so I just played it off. That was months 2. Sigh. I know I acted out of trauma, telling him I needed to heal and move on and can’t be friends with him any longer, but I wish I acted in a better regulated way and talked to him face to face. His response was radio silence-ghost lighting. But he has set his life up in a way that he is not routine and he controls when we see each other. Very guarded
Honestly, I don’t know. I want to respect her decision to not communicate. I just don’t have a great enough reason to reach out to her when she clearly wanted space. For most, I’m assuming the secure or anxious, reaching out for the sake of it would be enough reason. But, I don’t feel that way
Unless you're able to be vulnerable and open up to her, let her keep her peace. I had to walk away from a distant avoidant. I miss him so much but unless he makes the effort to get uncomfortable, I just want off the merry-go-round 😢
@@asian82yeah, I’m gonna leave her alone. It’s been too long, also I for damn sure can’t be whatever she needs in a friend because I’m now halfway across the country 😅
Also not a sustainable method. The soothing isn't coming from within. He likely isn't looking at himself honestly and acknowledging the wounded inner child. If you don't do that, you can't heal.
What if i broke every rule there is? She broke up with me 9 weeks ago. I broke no contact multiple times. She told me she processed everything after 4 weeks. 1,5 weeks after the breakup she cried when i was with her. I saw that she was really sad because of the breakup. I broke rules. I didnt leave our digital calendar because i was too afraid she would immeadiately date other men. I spoke to her in the gym. She told me to leave her alone. She is absolutely icecold. Says she is over everything. She doesnt care about me anymore. I sent long text messages...got blocked. Last time i spoke to her at the gym she was really mad at me. Told me if i ever wanted to talk to her again i should whait 6 months and leave her alone. I can barely hold myself together when i see her at the gym. I have never been like this with with another woman before. Its like a panick attack when i see her.
Yeah bro, leave her alone for a while. Your actions are likely scaring her, I get that idea just by reading what you wrote. Go to a different gym or go at a different time, focus on yourself
You need to completely remove her from your life and leave her alone before you get a restraining order. Join another gym. Never contact her again. Do not send the “this is my last” correspondence. If she wants to contact you, she will. But you have created her into a goddess in your mind. She isn’t.
@@salvomig2368 She still owes me money. We bought a lot of stuff together. She still lives in our flat. I moved out. I cant even talk to her normally without her getting extremely agressive.
First, join another gym. Second, be thankful she’s not breadcrumbing you. I dealt with that for months… checking on me every day, sending me songs, saying she missed me, etc., but NOT wanting a relationship. Finally went no contact and it’s been a huge relief.
FA 🙋🏾 right this very minute i am missing someone deeply, craving contact, battling obsessive thoughts. But I rarely speak on it because i don't think it will help. I can't make it go away and I'm kind of split between wanting that and wanting to dive in, but it's almost certain that i will stick with the torture of staying away and wishing the DA would drag me off (fat chance). There's a new person coming in hot but I'm almost mirroring how the DA was with me because I don't want to mistreat the new person in a rebound. Been there, done that.
I wouldn't even date the new person without trying to heal your attachment style first. Thais's PDS courses work wonders! I've always been a FA and now test SA. I've been in your shoes. Funny though, my ex DA is trying to get me to see him and I WANT to, but the healed part of me says it's probably not a great idea, so I haven't seen him. He's a sweetheart and one of my best friends, but we're not on the same page and I don't see a point in repeating cycles. Anyone who tries dating me is met with an "I'm not interested in dating right now." It's not fair to them if I still love another man and it doesn't sound like it would be fair in your case either. ❤
@@sunnydayz3577 100%. They were authentic & genuine; whereas these feel too artificial for me to even make it through the video. I'll just watch the old videos if I need to be refreshed on something.
One thing I've noticed with most of the comments about avoidants is people are extremely mean, unkind and lack compassion. Ik most were hurt by an avoidant but coming here and generalizing every single one of them saying avoid them, they should never date etc is not it. As an avoidant myself i didn't choose to be this way but everyday I'm trying to improve but comments like these deterred me from ever wanting to get into any form of romantic relationships.
I agree. It's the lack of accountability on their part. It's easier to blame their ex avoidant partner than to heal their own wounds. They expect the avoidant to heal before they date yet they're not doing their own work. I've always been a FA and now an earned SA and I see a lot the old unhealed version of me when I read through these comments. I actually prefer dating SA/DA men. They may not be perfect, but at least they are more level and we can vibe together.
Yes, I also agree. I think it just shows that those people aren't putting in the work to truly understand how much of a vicious and mutually-painful cycle the anxious/avoidant dynamic can be. They're commenting from a place of resentment and dejection, rather than actually taking in the lessons Thais is trying to teach.
Welcome to the club. We all tried to say the same thing at some point, but honestly, no one is listening, and new unaware people are showing up every day looking to lash out at the "villains of the attachment spectrum", so eventually we give up on trying to be heard and understood. Groups filled with anxious people are not conducive to avoidant healing. The videos are gold, and really helpful for us to understand ourselves, but it's best to stay away from the comment section and not get into the drama.
@@anzelaiv You're right, it's probably best not to get too involved in the comments. But there *are* people out there who are listening to the DAs. *I'm listening.* My FA/DA friend really hurt me when she pulled away suddenly and indefinitely, but I knew I had a part to play in that too. I hurt her as well. As an anxious-leaning FA myself (hah, I used to think I was a pure AP), learning about attachment theory allowed me to connect the dots between the compassion I felt for her from the beginning, with a logical explanation for what was going on. I haven't used it as a tool to attack my friend's behaviour. Instead, I feel a lot closer to her because of it. Even though we haven't spoken in months... When I look at most of the comments on this channel, I feel like I'm going against the grain of people trying to deal with FAs/DAs...or rather, being too caught up in their own pain that they don't want to deal with them at all. But I have faith I'm heading in the right direction. I've learned so much since we separated. I'm strong enough to take on the stress of figuring out these attachment dynamics now. I still love her, no conditions attached. I hope one day she gets to see that. She's a truly beautiful person and I know she can overcome this, I just hope she'll let me witness it...
I'm a DA and I honestly don't get it because I thought my FA was a narcissist. I was actually pleased to find out they aren't. I don't know why you'd prefer to think someone is a bad person. I have been thinking a lot about it and I think they have only gotten attention through creating negativity and they want attention from their ex. Their ex won't talk to them so being horrible to us scratches the itch. It must be horrible to be that way.
I am now in week 2 of NC with my Avoidant Partner. The break up was sudden, no signs. I started searching for information after the break up and nailed it to her suffering from Avoidant Attachment Style. Basically she suddenly switched off and stopped seeing me and when I followed up, she stonewalled me. A realtionship of more than two years and not once did she reciprocate words of love I am not reaching out or giving any hope, I have basically given up. Not once during our relationship have I ever raised my voice or had a fight with her. I loved her deeply.
Thais, your videos have been a huge help -- the validation, support, and understanding has been crucial in getting through a difficult time. As a long time viewer, I wanted to share that for me personally, the addition of stock footage to your videos has made it more difficult to absorb your valuable content. It feels really depersonalizing and, honestly, a lot of TH-camrs and TikTokers use them so it kind of makes your videos start to blend in with all the noise. It might feel to you like just talking to the camera didn't feel like it was "enough," but I'd be willing to bet that if you polled your viewers they would say it was not only more than enough but preferred! Same goes with the addition of powerpoints. Before it felt more like a one-on-one conversation, now I'm very aware that I'm watching a TH-cam video.
I understand DAs more and more and when looking back upon past interactions (I am an FA leaning secure now) it's still hard not to take fault finding personally. I STILL get to a place sometimes with a few people (where I am pretty sure I can pinpoint the "flaws" they perceived) and think... if I did this, then this wouldn't have happened, I guess I simply have to have faith that they would have found another flaw?!
I’m a DA, a woman, but when broken up with which has been extremely rare, I’m somewhat knocked off balance for maybe 2-4 weeks. Like I might wonder if I’m flawed, but then I start to wonder about compatibility. If I can see some seemingly factual reasons it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, I get over it pretty quickly. Like an older man broke up with me and cut me off immediately. I was hurt for like a month, but after I realized wth was I thinking even considering a man that old.
Let's say an avoidant does get back into contact after a no contact period. What's the best way to speak with them to not to cause them to pull away again
I wish when we title a video about avoidant we could distinguish between fearful or dismissive. Or if it is titled avoidant we should just assume you are talking about the dismissive? I find myself confused sometimes.
My DM ex dumped me a week after her friend passed away, so shes gonna be hit with a double whammy of grief. I feel so sad for her, as ive already done my " grieving".....i just want her back so i can help give her a nice life
Can you do a video about trashing your ex/stop looking at them through rose-tinted glasses to help with moving on? My ex was a DA and she had everything from mental problems to drinking issues to even sanitary issues. I thought about breaking up with her before but she beat me to it. I have an anxious attachment style and all I want is for her to reach out so that I can tell her that I moved on. I begged in the beginning and interrupted the relief stage but we been in no contact for little over 2 months now. For some reason I feel very protective of her but I know she is not the one for me. Thoughts?
Get a therapist for your mental health and the very obvious and clear NEED to control the ex just to have her reach out so you can reject her to feel better temporarily. 😮😮😢🙄🤔
@@DFG1111 I won't reject her but I'll be her friend since we had really good conversations. She has 0 friends literally, and she was suicidal before. I feel protective of her but no romantic feelings anymore
Though these videos are educational, they are also depressing. Especially reading the comments. Makes me feel like my relationship is just going to fail and leave me crushed beyond repair. I’ll take myself out of this world before I try and love again.
I come from a long line of DA women. I'm working through my behaviours and I find it easier to work through certain behaviours with some people and not with others. I think I'm pretty good at self soothing, I'll turn to meditation, yoga or long walks in nature, whilst the women before me chose alcohol and substances. Is my way of self soothing an escape also?
I'm avoidant, probably.. and I do miss my ex and maybe she's avoidant too, I will not pickup communication and neither will she. I miss her so bad. I tried to be vulnerable but it felt like it's a sickness to her.
I guess they never trusted me. He monkey branched elsewhere. I was just the placeholder until they felt ready to go out on the dating market again. They never loved me and was a lie. Typically they are crumbing again. Not falling for this ish again after understanding all this attachment theory now. I was clinging onto hope that they would change and actually loved me . That’s something I also need to heal so I’m not attracted to them anymore.
If there are any FAs here I’d appreciate your take: my ex (8 year engaged) left me and monkey branched into a colleague (the one I ‘was stupid to be anxious about’). They broke up months later. It’s now a year on. I’ve heard from mutual friends he thinks she was real love that he’s never had before. Will he ever miss me if he’s just missing her?
why dont you stop playing this game, because they obviously dont play. why dont you break no contact, send a final message for yourself to move on and expect the worst, that they block you or dont care. stand in for your own feelings and values and then you finally can move on. communication is for grown up people, these ghosting / ignoring games that they play is very immature.
why dont you stop playing this game, because they obviously dont play. why dont you break no contact, send a final message for yourself to move on and expect the worst, that they block you or dont care. stand in for your own feelings and values and then you finally can move on. communication is for grown up people, these ghosting / ignoring games that they play is very immature.
I understand wanting to be missed but I think if you want someone to miss you, you want them to suffer. That isn't very kind. And do I miss people? Sometimes, but I don't like to feel sad for long. I don't see the point in missing someone. I will try and focus on other things.
At that point I didn’t have a name for it. Also, most of the men I’ve met/dated don’t tend to respect that sort of thing anyway. I work in psych and go to therapy, when I tell them about this they’ve acted like “pshhh therapy/psych who needs it.” So I’m not sure it would have made a difference. With that said, I don’t think a title matters if the actions are the same. I tell them straight out I like my own space often, I never want marriage or children and I’m completely fine on my own so I don’t tend to date much. Usually this leads to them not caring l, sticking around and orbiting-thinking they can change my mind I guess. Their compliments about my intelligence slowly transform into snarky comments about my being an independent woman, questions about my sexuality (who I’m sleeping with because I can’t possibly not want them without reason other than my reason given), and then more direct aggression. One man attempted to turn a conversation into a sexual direction. He hung up on me because I laughed and said something like that’s silly. These have been mostly been men I’ve dated shortly and then decided I didn’t want anything with, they chose to stay regardless. I have a DA guy friend and he’s similar, very upfront about his emotional unavailability HOWEVER, he still sleeps with them which gets the wires crossed. I tell him to stop doing it but he says he has needs…ugh
Probably the same reason why anxious partners don't share this upfront. Most don't know there's anything wrong with their unhealthy traits. We just live it. I test secure now but I've always been a FA and I knew something was up, but could never pinpoint the issue. I predominantly dated men who had more issues than I did so mine didn't seem "that bad." When I did date a healthy man, I felt secure and healthy too. Now that I understand attachment styles, I can better explain myself. My ex was more avoidant than I was and we came to understand each other but I told him I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to date me as I knew how confusing I could be. I think a lot of people are just unaware honestly.
Have you ever gone through a breakup with an avoidant attachment style? What was your experience like? ❤
Horrific, I was with my dismissive avoident ex fiance 18months. We were getting married this year. He sent a extremely nasty txt after coming down early than planned, due to my mental health. I stupidly called him and went to his. That went fine. He then sent another nasty txt saying, I have too many problems (which he'd caused mentally) and couldn't see a way forward. I said ok. He sent an apologetic txt. Stupidly I went to his place. I got cruelly discarded again over a spilt cup of tea, where I nearly fainted. He shouted, called me reckless. And told me to take my possessions out of his place. I was in tears all the way home, a 2 hr drive. He's not reached out at all since it happened 2 weeks ago 😢💔
@@beaker7353damn sorry to hear that, I had 3 kids with my ex 2 step kids, didn’t know anything was wrong until I seen txt then she deleted them saying she was just sad we wasn’t going out so I took her out more then a week later saw sex txts and she went left the kids with me she been gone 2 months and is getting a house and taking the kids, my 4 year old cries for her every night she misses her mum so I can’t keep her, she says she needs time to think and just spend time with the kids I can’t stand broken family’s and still love her I wasn’t innocent just didn’t know anything was wrong because she never told me and when she did I booked a 300 pound spa day for her … that didn’t go well since she spent it on the phone to her new fella couldn’t understand where it all went wrong tbh it can be sorted I have faith I can still keep the family together iv made changes so I have faith she will see I’m the better option, we have been together 12 years
I did nearly 7 months ago. It's the usual scenario involving DAs. The hurt I experienced was deep because I was forced to break a deep bond. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about attachment styles so I can best vet my next partner as well as remind myself to be forgiving of myself, him and the situation and see the experience as a blessing. People come into our lives because they are supposed to be part of our journeys. The more I learn about DAs and how that attachment style actually impacts your biochemistry, the more I understand why they do what they do. I used to suffer from anxiety, and I for one know how no matter how I tried to rationalize that I was safe, the sensations I felt told me I wasn't. I think this is similar to what they go through when they are closely bonded with someone.
I am at the present I have been watching your videos and joined the pds to watch more and learn how to reconnect but when I joined the FB group I was met with something that was harder than the break up when asking for advice I was told to leave her alone move on and they did not believe any of the videos that were being posted or if you should be doing videos like this it was very. I want to believe that it is possible and I understand that it does not work all the time but the FB groub was not very supportive it actually made me feel worse
It was a nightmare. She completely stonewalled me and blocked me out. The way she treated me was like night an day with how quickly it switched. For a long time I was upset because I thought she was a monster, but your videos have helped me gain a wider perspective on avoidants. Now I know she was hurting too but I just couldn't see it. I hope she's doing alright and is in the process of healing not just from the breakup but also her deep childhood wounds.
Both DA's and FA's will miss you post break up but their lack of vulnerability and expecting relationships to be "perfect" will make them run away from what could have been a healthy relationship 💯
Thank you for sharing! ❤
As an FA, I have no problem saying I miss a person. As long as I feel like I won’t be rejected or the feeling isn’t reciprocated.
100% True
FA here going through marriage seperation.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
So how if you have tried all of the ideas and tools… and the DA will do some things but is still distant and will never take accountability. It’s like everything is my fault, even when I bring up softly an issue the really is well you do it to me. I reply: does it hurt you? .. well no… so then I don’t need to change it bc it doesn’t effect you but it DOES effect me…
@@Mermaid03_03 There is a repetition of the word 'I' used at least four times. Relationships are 'we' not 'I'. Think more in terms of teamwork or team sports . Replace solitaire with tennis.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I get it and I'm going through that same thing wishing day and night that I could just flip a switch to shut it off. Painful to say the least.
Avoid the avoidant = happiness 😊
Gross
Yep! 💯 😂
I think it's interesting how much people want to be missed. Its like we really need the validation of knowing that someone misses us
I would say it is not so much about wanting to be missed but knowing that you meant something to them and the whole relationship wasn't a lie.
@@GeoffreyAngapa 🎯
@@GeoffreyAngapayes!!!
@@GeoffreyAngapa why is that necessary to know? If someone was with you then they wanted to be there. Yes some lose feelings faster than others and it's easier for them to move on, but I'm confused as to why anyone needs this to feel okay with the past situation. What comfort does it bring?
I don't understand it personally. Maybe before I started PDS courses and was less healed I cared some, but I don't have the view that relationships last forever. I think they run there course. Break ups happen.
Yes, but they will never admit it due to fears of vulnerability and rejection. They will most likely just hoover around you on social media
Block
This can definitely happen!
I went to Mexico to get a good break. I asked him if he misses me and he said he has to get us to me not being around😢
omg this is happening to me rn, ended 8 months ago, since the past 2.5month, they back online watching everything I post, they don't message or do anything, just watching. I had to get off socials cause it was getting annoying .
Wish my ex would. Absolutely nothing from him.
I can honestly say I've never missed an ex, but now I understand why. It's because I always did everything in my power to make the relationship work and it failed. By the time I left (or vice-versa) there was nothing left.
It kind of reminds me of how I try to deescalate street fights even now. I go above and beyond to not have to fight. In fact, I have a friend who's also a martial artist and it's bigger and stronger than I am. We were in a group talking about a few encounters we had at bars and nightclubs and while relaying his story he said, "there's a reason he's my friend and not my enemy. He's show to anger, but get him there and he's completely cutthroat."
I share the story above to illustrate the importance of doing all you can to make something work before giving up. As we say in the self defense world, "walk a mile to avoid the fight, but if the fight is on don't back down an inch."
Not to mix metaphors, but the relationship equivalent would be, "climb the mountain to save the relationship, but if it can't be salvaged, find another mountain to climb."
I think this is what will eventually help Me to get moving on. I did make many mistakes but I always did my best. I learned, searched, healed, tried to communicate as well as I could at each situation. I wasn't perfect but I was certainly trying to be. Up until now I was looking at things and seeing where I was wrong...now I am going to try to see how I tried all I could. Wasn't perfect but as didn't get much coordination from him (DA) I could also say I tried my best. Sometimes it's not meant to be I guess, even if it feels like it is...
@@LenkaSingh-gl2be I had a similar situation when I broke up with my ex. She was AP, but she also didn't like hearing any point of view that wasn't her own. Anyway, a friend of mine had broken up with her ex around the same time and we were talking about our experiences over drinks one night. I told her I should probably have tried something different and she immediately said, "forget about it now, focus on the lessons you've learned and adjust going forward." This was a great reminder, given the breakup was still fresh.
All that said, we have to move with facts, not with feelings. We may feel something is right, but unless there's congruency with the facts we could be walking into a burning building. As Boxing and Kickboxing champion Troy Dorsey said, "we can't go by feelings..." and I tend to agree!
My boyfriend of just over a year suddenly discarded me 11.5 months ago. We were such a good match, and good for each other. We were going to get married and had planned our future together, all the way into our retirement. I was completely blindsided when he suddenly let on that he was thinking about breaking up. He was grasping for reasons. Told me he wouldn’t make a good husband right now, that I deserved someone who would love me fully, told me he felt anxious about our relationship the entire time and that he was just going with the flow. (Which is all SUCH a load of crap!) It has been incredibly painful. I only recently learned about avoidant attachment style, and it explains EVERYTHING. I’m still heartbroken, but at least now I have some understanding of what happened. If he ever comes back to me, I would take him back in a heartbeat, WITH conditions. I would set some clear boundaries of my expectations so that I don’t end up here again. Whatever happens, I hope and pray every day that he can heal from his traumas and have a happy life.
Same situation here! Thanks for making me feel less alone and blindsided.
They miss how you made them feel. They miss what you did for them as well. Other than that they don’t miss anything else.
That's narcissists.
This is correct unfortunately. They have no ability to form real attachments to people, so they use people until they get triggered (which is inevitable), then they discard. They lack empathy which is why the discard is even easier for them. They're not the exact same as narcissists, but they're quite similar.
@@brennam954 there are differences, like motivation, but I get it.
@@brennam954 spot on!!! 😬🔥
@@ultraviolet3905 intentions, you mean? as to why they do what they do?
I had a very difficult last few days and really wished my ex were around but I held my ground and self control. I love them a whole bunch and they apologized. However,I’m not giving one bit until it’s healthy enough. I hope they know how much I love and adore them and feel their presence. I don’t hurt anymore and I know what’s best for me. In order for things to turn around they have to change their issues and surroundings. I am not mad but wish I hadn’t endured so much external hurt. At least I knew I can handle things. It’s not weak to show your emotions and no one is going to take advantage.
She has explained the grieving process very well as always!
as a DA, i can say i hardly miss my exs but they were also unhealed ppl with baggage so maybe thats why. its not a matter of when i miss them, at the end of the day its how much do u miss a person? as a DA i dont have the emotional bandwidth for an intimate relationship im too caught up in my own emotional turbulence and things I am working on sorting out. I believe attachment styles can change based on each interaction you have. if i missed someone enough we wouldnt have broken up. if a DA broke up with you they might miss you sometimes but not enough to fight for you
Both DA exes of mine numb with work and travel.
You should 'dismiss' any thoughts of them missing you. They're really not worth thinking about. Why waste your energy & time wondering what's going on in their avoidant minds. Try to 'avoid' such thoughts in the same way the avoidant avoided you. Simply move on and live your life.
best response ever
@chiaraA. Ruminating over whether or not an avoidant actually misses you is futile. It stems from wanting to naively believe that you mattered or that the relationship did. That perhaps, they valued the relationship in the same way you did. In other words, it's being in a deep state of denial. It's akin to believing that the hobgoblin is real. Nothing is important or unimportant but thinking something is makes it so.
@@HippieZippy For me I really worked on distancing myself from that whole hot mess and at the same time educated myself which only verified the horror show going on with that person - for anyone thinking they can 'break thru' and get to the person to get them to care - is really as you say engaging in deep denial. You are not a special unicorn able to change others especially when their early beginnings caused this avoidancy. Learn that there are quite a subset of humans walking around on this planet that seemingly look perfectly fine when that is not the case
@@HippieZippy Well expressed about equality of valuing. I think that's it.
@@GeoffreyAngapa Thank you Geoffrey. "All animals are created equal but some animals are more equal than others." OT - Orwellian Theory :)
I was dating a DA and I'm AP but I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.
On top of that, I have some sort of emotional dysregulation. I could express what my issues were but expected him to be able to help me with them. I can't imagine how stifled he was feeling. (At the same time, he wasn't really willing to have any serious discussions ever. His understanding was that any serious discussion was going to have a negative outcome.)
I hadn't understood taking responsibility for my own issues. I discovered the attachment styles while we were on a break that I initiated (honestly knowing what would probably happen) and he broke up with me before the break was over.
Hindsight is 20/20. I'm very happy I found this channel so I at least can understand some of what he was possibly going through during our relationship.
I hope he misses me, but it's only been a little over a month and he was a pretty extreme DA, so probably not right now. As an AP, I was missing him before we broke up.
Honestly, I was so disregulated by the end of the relationship that I have a hard time believing he would miss me at all.
You need a therapist It's not their responsibility to help you with your issues.
My ex avoidant partner was already seeing someone before leaving me (as I was difficult and the new lady was so great and understanding). No time to process any emotions at all. Why feel something uncomfortable if one can make himself feel better through new relationship....for me, anxious one, I am still single and processing my grief.
sigh.. sending you love and empathy
I'd love a video on if they miss you or process feelings if you're still friends/not in no contact mode
Thank you for your videos, Thais! You are making a difference
for your fellow humans navigating the crazy, mystifying world of relationships. God bless you for caring and sharing. 💟✝️☮️
Thank you for this, Thais. ❤
There have only been two people I missed. One was a dear friend I didn’t have the tools to be there for. She stopped talking to me which I accepted, I wonder though if I should have tried but since she cut things off I respected/will respect that. The other was a man who I found very morally reprehensible. We could joke around, enjoy each others company but I found his treatment and mindset about women troubling and knew before long he’d try his toxicity with me. I cut that one off and though I miss the company, common sense tells me I did the right thing. I’d rather suffer some boredom than the long term damage of someone potentially harmful. Signed, a DA lol
Would you ever consider reaching out to the friend? I ask because I distanced from my ex because it was too painful for me as I try to detach from him not being able to be my boyfriend and open up to me. (He seemed to be a little more open in a friend state the last few months) At our age we’re not dating to date, and I thought he wanted the same things, but he got spooked but said he wants to be friends and will always consider me as his people. To him that was probably a compliment, to me it was a knife to the heart. He pursued me for 2 yrs, and when I gave him a chance as a partner he was hot and cold after 3 months or so. He went from daily texts sending funny vids, etc to disappearing for days to 2 weeks once or twice. This was so confusing and I never chased, I mirrored. I know better now. I suspect that the shift happened after he text me I love you but when I asked if he was talking to me, he replied, he meant that for his mom. Not sure if that’s true or not, so I just played it off. That was months 2. Sigh. I know I acted out of trauma, telling him I needed to heal and move on and can’t be friends with him any longer, but I wish I acted in a better regulated way and talked to him face to face. His response was radio silence-ghost lighting. But he has set his life up in a way that he is not routine and he controls when we see each other. Very guarded
Honestly, I don’t know. I want to respect her decision to not communicate. I just don’t have a great enough reason to reach out to her when she clearly wanted space. For most, I’m assuming the secure or anxious, reaching out for the sake of it would be enough reason. But, I don’t feel that way
Thank you for your personal share, I appreciate it! ❤
Unless you're able to be vulnerable and open up to her, let her keep her peace. I had to walk away from a distant avoidant. I miss him so much but unless he makes the effort to get uncomfortable, I just want off the merry-go-round 😢
@@asian82yeah, I’m gonna leave her alone. It’s been too long, also I for damn sure can’t be whatever she needs in a friend because I’m now halfway across the country 😅
I believe the DA I was with soothes himself through other people and partying. lol
Also not a sustainable method. The soothing isn't coming from within. He likely isn't looking at himself honestly and acknowledging the wounded inner child. If you don't do that, you can't heal.
What if i broke every rule there is?
She broke up with me 9 weeks ago. I broke no contact multiple times. She told me she processed everything after 4 weeks. 1,5 weeks after the breakup she cried when i was with her. I saw that she was really sad because of the breakup. I broke rules. I didnt leave our digital calendar because i was too afraid she would immeadiately date other men. I spoke to her in the gym. She told me to leave her alone. She is absolutely icecold. Says she is over everything. She doesnt care about me anymore. I sent long text messages...got blocked. Last time i spoke to her at the gym she was really mad at me. Told me if i ever wanted to talk to her again i should whait 6 months and leave her alone. I can barely hold myself together when i see her at the gym. I have never been like this with with another woman before. Its like a panick attack when i see her.
Yeah bro, leave her alone for a while. Your actions are likely scaring her, I get that idea just by reading what you wrote. Go to a different gym or go at a different time, focus on yourself
You need to completely remove her from your life and leave her alone before you get a restraining order. Join another gym. Never contact her again. Do not send the “this is my last” correspondence. If she wants to contact you, she will. But you have created her into a goddess in your mind. She isn’t.
You’re likely trauma bonded, need to detach and focus on yourself
@@salvomig2368 She still owes me money. We bought a lot of stuff together. She still lives in our flat. I moved out. I cant even talk to her normally without her getting extremely agressive.
First, join another gym.
Second, be thankful she’s not breadcrumbing you. I dealt with that for months… checking on me every day, sending me songs, saying she missed me, etc., but NOT wanting a relationship. Finally went no contact and it’s been a huge relief.
Thais..I have not stopped learning from you on dealing with a new girl that may be an avoidant
5:36 self Soothing vs. Numbing
FA 🙋🏾 right this very minute i am missing someone deeply, craving contact, battling obsessive thoughts. But I rarely speak on it because i don't think it will help. I can't make it go away and I'm kind of split between wanting that and wanting to dive in, but it's almost certain that i will stick with the torture of staying away and wishing the DA would drag me off (fat chance). There's a new person coming in hot but I'm almost mirroring how the DA was with me because I don't want to mistreat the new person in a rebound. Been there, done that.
I wouldn't even date the new person without trying to heal your attachment style first. Thais's PDS courses work wonders! I've always been a FA and now test SA. I've been in your shoes. Funny though, my ex DA is trying to get me to see him and I WANT to, but the healed part of me says it's probably not a great idea, so I haven't seen him. He's a sweetheart and one of my best friends, but we're not on the same page and I don't see a point in repeating cycles. Anyone who tries dating me is met with an "I'm not interested in dating right now." It's not fair to them if I still love another man and it doesn't sound like it would be fair in your case either. ❤
Your old videos without the stock footage were better.
Agree. Also without the slides
@@sunnydayz3577 100%. They were authentic & genuine; whereas these feel too artificial for me to even make it through the video. I'll just watch the old videos if I need to be refreshed on something.
@@tenderlungs2065 yes! I'd rather it be like talking to a friend rather than going to school
@@sunnydayz3577 🎯
Yes, very much...
One thing I've noticed with most of the comments about avoidants is people are extremely mean, unkind and lack compassion. Ik most were hurt by an avoidant but coming here and generalizing every single one of them saying avoid them, they should never date etc is not it. As an avoidant myself i didn't choose to be this way but everyday I'm trying to improve but comments like these deterred me from ever wanting to get into any form of romantic relationships.
I agree. It's the lack of accountability on their part. It's easier to blame their ex avoidant partner than to heal their own wounds. They expect the avoidant to heal before they date yet they're not doing their own work. I've always been a FA and now an earned SA and I see a lot the old unhealed version of me when I read through these comments. I actually prefer dating SA/DA men. They may not be perfect, but at least they are more level and we can vibe together.
Yes, I also agree. I think it just shows that those people aren't putting in the work to truly understand how much of a vicious and mutually-painful cycle the anxious/avoidant dynamic can be. They're commenting from a place of resentment and dejection, rather than actually taking in the lessons Thais is trying to teach.
Welcome to the club. We all tried to say the same thing at some point, but honestly, no one is listening, and new unaware people are showing up every day looking to lash out at the "villains of the attachment spectrum", so eventually we give up on trying to be heard and understood. Groups filled with anxious people are not conducive to avoidant healing. The videos are gold, and really helpful for us to understand ourselves, but it's best to stay away from the comment section and not get into the drama.
@@anzelaiv You're right, it's probably best not to get too involved in the comments. But there *are* people out there who are listening to the DAs. *I'm listening.*
My FA/DA friend really hurt me when she pulled away suddenly and indefinitely, but I knew I had a part to play in that too. I hurt her as well. As an anxious-leaning FA myself (hah, I used to think I was a pure AP), learning about attachment theory allowed me to connect the dots between the compassion I felt for her from the beginning, with a logical explanation for what was going on. I haven't used it as a tool to attack my friend's behaviour. Instead, I feel a lot closer to her because of it. Even though we haven't spoken in months...
When I look at most of the comments on this channel, I feel like I'm going against the grain of people trying to deal with FAs/DAs...or rather, being too caught up in their own pain that they don't want to deal with them at all. But I have faith I'm heading in the right direction. I've learned so much since we separated. I'm strong enough to take on the stress of figuring out these attachment dynamics now.
I still love her, no conditions attached. I hope one day she gets to see that. She's a truly beautiful person and I know she can overcome this, I just hope she'll let me witness it...
I'm a DA and I honestly don't get it because I thought my FA was a narcissist. I was actually pleased to find out they aren't. I don't know why you'd prefer to think someone is a bad person. I have been thinking a lot about it and I think they have only gotten attention through creating negativity and they want attention from their ex. Their ex won't talk to them so being horrible to us scratches the itch. It must be horrible to be that way.
I am now in week 2 of NC with my Avoidant Partner. The break up was sudden, no signs. I started searching for information after the break up and nailed it to her suffering from Avoidant Attachment Style.
Basically she suddenly switched off and stopped seeing me and when I followed up, she stonewalled me. A realtionship of more than two years and not once did she reciprocate words of love
I am not reaching out or giving any hope, I have basically given up.
Not once during our relationship have I ever raised my voice or had a fight with her. I loved her deeply.
Thais, your videos have been a huge help -- the validation, support, and understanding has been crucial in getting through a difficult time. As a long time viewer, I wanted to share that for me personally, the addition of stock footage to your videos has made it more difficult to absorb your valuable content. It feels really depersonalizing and, honestly, a lot of TH-camrs and TikTokers use them so it kind of makes your videos start to blend in with all the noise. It might feel to you like just talking to the camera didn't feel like it was "enough," but I'd be willing to bet that if you polled your viewers they would say it was not only more than enough but preferred! Same goes with the addition of powerpoints. Before it felt more like a one-on-one conversation, now I'm very aware that I'm watching a TH-cam video.
I understand DAs more and more and when looking back upon past interactions (I am an FA leaning secure now) it's still hard not to take fault finding personally. I STILL get to a place sometimes with a few people (where I am pretty sure I can pinpoint the "flaws" they perceived) and think... if I did this, then this wouldn't have happened, I guess I simply have to have faith that they would have found another flaw?!
for sure. grown up people communicate and dont play these games
What if you break up with them? Do they still process the same way?
I'm curious too on that
Idk but she rarely replies to questions.
I’m a DA, a woman, but when broken up with which has been extremely rare, I’m somewhat knocked off balance for maybe 2-4 weeks. Like I might wonder if I’m flawed, but then I start to wonder about compatibility. If I can see some seemingly factual reasons it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, I get over it pretty quickly. Like an older man broke up with me and cut me off immediately. I was hurt for like a month, but after I realized wth was I thinking even considering a man that old.
@sj3969 thanks for your input. Everyone is different , or the circumstances . Everyone's story is different I guess
Let's say an avoidant does get back into contact after a no contact period. What's the best way to speak with them to not to cause them to pull away again
Why would you want to reconnect with someone who has no further interest in you? Theres a saying, no answer is your answer.
I meet my own needs now but I know it’s ok to depend on people close to you also
I guess that's what secure attachers do.
I wish when we title a video about avoidant we could distinguish between fearful or dismissive. Or if it is titled avoidant we should just assume you are talking about the dismissive? I find myself confused sometimes.
Usually, just avoidant means the dismissive.
Yes, but since there are two different types of avoidants it should be clarified.
@@CeeP211 I agree.
My DM ex dumped me a week after her friend passed away, so shes gonna be hit with a double whammy of grief. I feel so sad for her, as ive already done my " grieving".....i just want her back so i can help give her a nice life
Can you do a video about trashing your ex/stop looking at them through rose-tinted glasses to help with moving on? My ex was a DA and she had everything from mental problems to drinking issues to even sanitary issues. I thought about breaking up with her before but she beat me to it. I have an anxious attachment style and all I want is for her to reach out so that I can tell her that I moved on. I begged in the beginning and interrupted the relief stage but we been in no contact for little over 2 months now. For some reason I feel very protective of her but I know she is not the one for me. Thoughts?
Get a therapist for your mental health and the very obvious and clear NEED to control the ex just to have her reach out so you can reject her to feel better temporarily. 😮😮😢🙄🤔
@@DFG1111 I won't reject her but I'll be her friend since we had really good conversations. She has 0 friends literally, and she was suicidal before. I feel protective of her but no romantic feelings anymore
Though these videos are educational, they are also depressing. Especially reading the comments. Makes me feel like my relationship is just going to fail and leave me crushed beyond repair. I’ll take myself out of this world before I try and love again.
I come from a long line of DA women. I'm working through my behaviours and I find it easier to work through certain behaviours with some people and not with others. I think I'm pretty good at self soothing, I'll turn to meditation, yoga or long walks in nature, whilst the women before me chose alcohol and substances. Is my way of self soothing an escape also?
Very healthy. ❤
Your form of soothing isn't numbing. It's much healthier.
I'm avoidant, probably.. and I do miss my ex and maybe she's avoidant too, I will not pickup communication and neither will she. I miss her so bad. I tried to be vulnerable but it felt like it's a sickness to her.
I guess they never trusted me. He monkey branched elsewhere. I was just the placeholder until they felt ready to go out on the dating market again. They never loved me and was a lie.
Typically they are crumbing again. Not falling for this ish again after understanding all this attachment theory now.
I was clinging onto hope that they would change and actually loved me . That’s something I also need to heal so I’m not attracted to them anymore.
If there are any FAs here I’d appreciate your take: my ex (8 year engaged) left me and monkey branched into a colleague (the one I ‘was stupid to be anxious about’). They broke up months later. It’s now a year on. I’ve heard from mutual friends he thinks she was real love that he’s never had before. Will he ever miss me if he’s just missing her?
Avoidant are the worst type of people to date imo
Did you get microblading? Eyebrows look nice!!
It’s approaching 3 months. I’m losing hope.
why dont you stop playing this game, because they obviously dont play. why dont you break no contact, send a final message for yourself to move on and expect the worst, that they block you or dont care. stand in for your own feelings and values and then you finally can move on. communication is for grown up people, these ghosting / ignoring games that they play is very immature.
so you are talking about the dismissive avoidant a lot here, but what about the Fearful Avoidant?
What if I’ve been in no contact for the last 16 months? Can it still work?
why dont you stop playing this game, because they obviously dont play. why dont you break no contact, send a final message for yourself to move on and expect the worst, that they block you or dont care. stand in for your own feelings and values and then you finally can move on. communication is for grown up people, these ghosting / ignoring games that they play is very immature.
@@aristark559 I’ve been painfully moving on already for a long time. This isn’t a game
🙏🏼
It’s as if Thais was in my 🧠 😮😮😮
I understand wanting to be missed but I think if you want someone to miss you, you want them to suffer. That isn't very kind.
And do I miss people? Sometimes, but I don't like to feel sad for long. I don't see the point in missing someone. I will try and focus on other things.
Wait timeout. DAs are human beings? I didn't notice 😮
To the DA Females .... Did you ever state you were DA anytime during your relationship? If not, why?
At that point I didn’t have a name for it. Also, most of the men I’ve met/dated don’t tend to respect that sort of thing anyway. I work in psych and go to therapy, when I tell them about this they’ve acted like “pshhh therapy/psych who needs it.” So I’m not sure it would have made a difference.
With that said, I don’t think a title matters if the actions are the same. I tell them straight out I like my own space often, I never want marriage or children and I’m completely fine on my own so I don’t tend to date much. Usually this leads to them not caring l, sticking around and orbiting-thinking they can change my mind I guess. Their compliments about my intelligence slowly transform into snarky comments about my being an independent woman, questions about my sexuality (who I’m sleeping with because I can’t possibly not want them without reason other than my reason given), and then more direct aggression. One man attempted to turn a conversation into a sexual direction. He hung up on me because I laughed and said something like that’s silly.
These have been mostly been men I’ve dated shortly and then decided I didn’t want anything with, they chose to stay regardless. I have a DA guy friend and he’s similar, very upfront about his emotional unavailability HOWEVER, he still sleeps with them which gets the wires crossed. I tell him to stop doing it but he says he has needs…ugh
Probably the same reason why anxious partners don't share this upfront. Most don't know there's anything wrong with their unhealthy traits. We just live it. I test secure now but I've always been a FA and I knew something was up, but could never pinpoint the issue. I predominantly dated men who had more issues than I did so mine didn't seem "that bad." When I did date a healthy man, I felt secure and healthy too. Now that I understand attachment styles, I can better explain myself. My ex was more avoidant than I was and we came to understand each other but I told him I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to date me as I knew how confusing I could be. I think a lot of people are just unaware honestly.