I found this interesting early on, but now I feel like the amount of effort put into understanding and accommodating avoidants is a bit much. It's rare that an avoidant will make a genuine effort to work on themselves, and if that doesn't happen, all of this is pointless and you're wasting your time. First, they need to develop self-awareness and self-reflection. Without that, nothing you do or don't do will matter. I know Thais really wants us to understand avoidants. But the problem is that most avoidants don't try to understand anyone else.
As a woman who's been with a DA for a few years, I agree. They have to be self-aware and willing. These tools and techniques will not work on someone who isn't there yet. My guy is very self aware and communicative, but it took time. We had to learn each other's style so to speak. If someone is deep in their DA and has luke warm feelings for someone then I probably wouldn't bother honestly.
I sent one step further to watch bizarre movies to understand the damaged person from their point of stand, I developed a lot of empathy for him, allowing him to come and go without too much pressure. But I slowly lose interest because it takes too much of a show up that I feel secure in this relationship when he is crushing hard on another woman while having me in front of my eyes.. and to show him I am enjoying this relationship when in truth the more he himself comes closer and closer he needs more time to be away.. I wish he rather doesn't come closer, talk like friends instead of coming for deep intimacy and be gone for a month straight after! I really would want to end this up, cry grieve and get over it eventually, his ex also said to me that she had to end the relationship as the push and pull felt toxic to her! But him expecting me to gently reassure him and not to ask for deeper conversation doesn't work for me.. I can't beg him, I am an adult with self respect!
Avoidants don't try to understand others or themselves. But if they genuinely don't know anything is different for them compared to others, they will never be able to shift. There needs to be so much more awareness out there about attachment styles, so that seeds can be planted for all insecure attachments, in gentle and meaningful ways
@LeeChrissy you're lucky. I've only known of one avoidant who knew he was DA, but did nothing about it and he let it sabotage an incredible relationship, without any acknowledgement of the deeper causes.
Never again. I am not putting any more efforts to connect with an avoidant. In fact I learned to recognize them and I will be consciously avoiding them as much as I can for the rest of my life. This one friend left so much bitterness in me that I want to get them out of my life completely and totally.
I’ve been there. My life changed when I started taking more notes on the anxious than the avoidant even though it’s not fun. As the anxious we avoid ourselves, and focus on the other, our healing lies within us
This is amazing advice once you have forgiven all their cheating!!! Anger gets in the way of showing empathy and support. End of the day, they need to heal and work on themselves.
I am so glad I found your channel. My husband is a DA & is also one of the most amazing people on this planet, he consistently works on himself with the kindest heart but healing from his childhood is hard. I am so grateful to have this insight into learning how to better understand & communicate with him! 🙏🏻
This kind of reminds me of when I learned about sales. I always made sure to ask open ended questions (which was awkward when I first started doing it) and it actually helped me get some major ones at my jobs and later my business. What's interesting now is that even when someone initially says "no" I use the "takeaway method" and they decide to sign up because if perceived value. I think this video can be summarized as, "it's not my what you say, it's how you say it." I tend to agree!
If you are actually trying to improve things, you need to focus on yourself. What are you doing? What are your own attachment injuries? That’s the only thing you can do. If you are attracted to a person with avoidant traits, there is a reason for that. Heal thyself.
I just applied these tips right now over a commitment related topic with my DA gf, along with positive framing as mentioned before and I was surprised pleasantly surprised, it worked. Though it was very hard self-soothing especially because I thought she did not value our relationship. She was openly talking about marriage, intamacy and stuff and she was like why didn't I talk about this earlier, I said I have been learning about my issues (I am an AP obviously) and I have been learning to self-sooth cos in the past when I was not happy I would bite her head off, lets hope now that we spoke about commitment and intamacy she won't pull away cos she is feeling smothered.
Good luck. I am going through a tough moment with my lady as well. Hopefully I will be able to get through this as well. Definitely learning how to communicate better without triggering her is going to be the hard part.
@@Eddybo22 I have been learning to self-sooth, manage my thoughts and insecurities and be happy being by myself, I have made decent progress, I am not thinking the worst everytime she creates distance, I am not overthinking when she doesn't text me first, it takes a lot of work and patience, it may feel like as a man you are letting yourself get played but do not second guess yourself, I also found conflict better to deal with the DA cos my gf told me she creates distance in conflict because she does not want to say things that will hurt my feelings. its been a year of work, work, work...to my surprise today she blue me a kiss in public, I was shocked!
So true about the small things they take personal. My ex would book a hotel on a vacation trip out of the country and because I would say something like” this hotel doesn’t do well with their cleaning service”…. He would take it as a criticism directed at him for picking the hotel! He happened to say something about it one time and I apologized so deeply because of course it was not at all directed at him for picking the hotel wow. I was careful after that, but I didn’t know I was with a DA so here we are as exes.
In interviews, Dr. John Gray (Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus) frequently gives the example of choosing a movie. He says it is like he wrote the movie. If his wife liked the film, he was proud. If it wasn't her favorite, he was disappointed. What I understood was that he really just wanted to make his wife happy. When she liked it, he was happy because he had accomplished his mission. Too bad some people will take a comment about a cleaning service to mean they did something wrong.... you know they weren't in control of the cleaning service at the hotel.
@@KA-ux9qb Right! In turn that made me feel terrible because I never thought of it like that way. Moreover I would never deliberately say something to hurt him like that either. I was always grateful for little things and told him so, but felt like I could express myself freely. Little did I know that was a huge mistake that ultimately was probably part of why he figured we wouldn’t work or he saw it as one of my many flaws. I’m sure there was more. Thankfully I am healing.
@@eileendom5858 I can actually see why this would bother him. Were you hoping that he would cancel the reservations and rebook somewhere else? If not, I don't understand why the comment was necessary. I'm a very solution oriented and literal person and when I make a comment like this, it's to find a solution, not just to say it. If it hadn't been booked yet and you were looking for hotels together and you said it then that'd be a different story, but it was already done so why say it at all? It's not really a big deal and definitely not the end of the world, but if this wasn't a one off and there were other comments like this building up over time, I might start feeling a certain way myself.
@@LeeChrissy oh my goodness really? It wasn’t a big deal of a comment to me. I said it once about something insignificant. I can’t remember exactly. The point of my comment was that I remembered how small it was to me and the huge negative impact it had on him which was not at all what I intended. Either way, I hope he is happy now and perhaps is with someone who is more careful with their words. I am learning all about why it didn’t work.
@@eileendom5858 I get it. I think for me I'm just very reserved with my words and try and pause and think before I say anything just in case. That's to anyone, not just a partner. Here's an example. Imagine your boss telling you and the rest of the staff that as a reward for kicking ass in sales that month, she just ordered a bunch of food from a specific restaurant and it's already on the way. Would you say to your boss "That restaurant actually isn't that great." You probably wouldn't right? If she hadn't ordered yet and was asking for everyone's opinion then that's absolutely fine, but similar to the hotel, it was already done and so comments like that are no longer helpful. Someone does this nice thing and that's the response they get? Now imagine a couple of months later that same boss came up with (what she perceives as) a brilliant idea on how to bring customers in and she set up an event and then you say "This probably isn't going to bring in any extra customers" after she already set it up. Now that's 2 times in her head that you've had something to say after it's already been done. A lot of bosses have thick skin and can take it, but some might be hurt and take it as repeated small criticisms. Does that make sense? Like I said, not the end of the world. It's just one of those things to stop and think if it was a helpful and necessary comment or not.
What frustrates me the most is when he says, “call or text me later,” and he doesn’t answer or respond. I’ve told him I won’t call or text & I don’t call or text anymore and he wonders why? I’m on the precipice of walking away for good despite how much of a thought I loved him. It’s just insanity. He’s exhausting. And he says he is. So….. ???? 8 years is nuts. He appears nutty. 🙄 yep twice he was to move in & gave me the typical excuses for a DA both times. I’m on day 6 of NO CONTACT & it feels liberating
I think you are wonderful and I’m super excited to learn from you in this video! There is something wrong with the sound quality of this specific video.
My ex dumped me after a 5 month relationship. We've known each other for a few years. We didn't have one single argument. Occasionally she would cancel plans which isn't the end of the world. The last time she canceled weekend plans then over that weekend broke up with me over text. I didn't know about no contact and like an idiot I chased her with a text message 3 times over a month and a half. Then she blocked me. Based on your videos she a text book FA. I don't think she'll ever come back and that hurts because she was 100% into everything, until she wasn't
She may not come back but I would feel relieved because her behavior is not loving. You don’t need that in your life! There is someone (many others) who will make you happier.
My DA ex just dumped me after 6 months. While we didn't ever fight, I found myself constantly tip toeing around and never having serious discussions about anything because I was afraid of scaring him off or overwhelming him...and then he wondered why we didn't feel connected 🙄
If she's a textbook FA then she'll be back. DAs are a little different and may never. But FAs will come back...again, and again, and again. You have to be super stoic about everything that they do
13:41 Pardon my glibness, but does anyone else here agree that maybe it's not us who needs to do this tightrope walk and actually THEY who needs to work on these crazy-making expectations? If I was secure and had to play this game of cat and mouse to try to predict which way the wind is blowing, IT IS I who would suddenly become an insecurely attached person. This is not the way IMHO. It might be better to just avoid the avoidant, especially if they don't indicate any desire to change how they attach (e.g. really? I'm NOT perfect? you're criticizing me, and that hurts!). Um, yes dear...I'm letting you know how you not changing this is hurting US and even ME.
No one should stay with anyone they are incompatible with. Staying and walking the tightrope means you can't communicate with each other. Better to find a more suitable match don't you think?
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 Agree, of course. But this video is not about moving on. It's about navigating around this person. Not against that per se, just making light of the fact that this must be a temporary accommodation whole the avoidant does the real and heavier lifting of healing their destructive patterns.
@@GuyVinmara I guess it's hard for me to understand because I would never twist myself into a pretzel to make it work with anyone. Compatibility and having relationship goals is pretty important and you're polar opposites and one partner is not willing or interested in meeting your needs then I'd say call it a day. Life is too short.
Thank you for the video. 12:22 The problem with some DA's is that they don't like to communicate much. They don't want to open up and tell you when something is wrong. When you finally reach them and when they do anything you ask of them, they only do enough to hear "I am proud of you" and then they stop. They're not CONSISTENT with their efforts. They don't take time to understand your point of view and why you feel the way you do but they want you to understand them 100% and mindread their feelings and moods. It's definitely very tiring and exhausting. But takes alot of patience to work through as well.
Omg this video pointed out so many things I said and did to push him away when I thought I was being supportive and telling my needs. I did it the wrong way and now we’re not talking. I told him i deserved more then to be ignored but really he was going into his safe place…ugh I don’t know what to do now
Please stop beating yourself up about things you had no knowledge about most people who have dated avoidants didn't know they were dating one that's how you learn and become aware most avoidants don't know they are avoidants either until they get honest with themselves and do the work lol a relationship is a two way street and you DO deserve some one who takes the time to understand you as well and no you don't deserve to just be ignored that's not ok there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you said..the best thing you can do for the both of you guys is to focus on yourself and don't worry about him I promise you eventually he will come back around if y'all had something meaningful but it will take time the more you obsesse about that time the longer it will take for him to come back avoidants have to process situations on their own in there own way with out interference and YOU have to be able not to personalize that..and know it's not all your fault every time they want to deactivate it's really out of your control..
Chica, how are you not asking yourself, "I deserve to not only not be ignored, but to have someone apologize and hold me (metaphorically and physically) when I have that feeling, because we both love the relationship so much." Why wouldn't you want to be with someone who loves you for caring about the relationship, and respecting each other/being respected? You Are Worthy of Being Loved --- and there are GREAT men out there who will adore you!!! And you will feel so powerful, when you're in that space of being cherished so much, and you get to shine your love on them with zero restraints! Please believe me. I was married 23y to a diagnosed narcissist (and a lot of these comments btw are not just about DAs...they're full blown personality disorder narcissists) and had to have 8y of trust and self- building through $$$$$$$$ of therapy and a beautiful man who did everything I just said above for me, but I couldn't commit to bc I was so broken. He's gone, but his lessons remain...don't do to yourself what I did to my life, wait for the great guy and have a LIFETIME of loving memories and energy together ❤
I personally feel that your shame shouldn't be ANYONE'S responsibility to manage or accommodate for you. That's YOURS, not anyone else's. No one else should have to be responsible for the burden of your sensitivity to correction and inability to accept yourself as flawed. No one else should have to pay for YOUR dysfunction. Whether someone is avoidant or not, no one should have to adapt to your decision to run and hide instead of living with honor and integrity.
Agreed. Similar to when an anxious preoccupied person has a ton of needs they expect their partner to meet. No one has to be anyone's responsibility. If two people choose to want to make it work with one another then those are hurdles they bring onto themselves. If someone doesn't want to accommodate the other then it's not the right relationship for them.
@iblincoe2094 imagine someone said this about people on wheelchairs..... passing blame on a weakness is not the way. True DAs must take responsibility but loved ones play an important role in the healing process..... if you cant be bothered.... you are probably better keeping to yourself up there on your pedestal
@@GodiscomingBhappy I really don't want to presume anything about anyone I don't know or to make any insinuations about anyone, but to be entirely honest, when an acquired, entirely treatable insecurity in relating, that's severity is directly proportional to the effort invested in mitigating it, is compared to a congenital physical disability that impairs someone's entire life in every conceivable way and cannot be treated or alleviated, as if that's an example of comparative suffering and equal responsibility, that screams victim mentality to me. Conflating deficits in social relating to the tragedy of being born without the use of your legs is just unfathomable to me. Not being able to handle criticism is nothing like not being able to walk! And I don't know anything about any pedestal, but I do know that I don't expect anything from anyone else that I don't also expect from myself. I live fully in alignment with my values. I refuse to let myself or any of my shortcomings become a burden on anyone else because I know I'm not entitled to make anyone else responsible for my dysfunction. It's entirely reasonable for me to expect that I am afforded the same basic courtesy. If I'm taking responsibility for myself and managing all of my own faults and flaws, why do I also have to be responsible for yours?? Personal responsibility is a mark of maturity.
@@lblincoe2094 you're making a DA's case for them. this is why DAs keep their feelings to themselves. they're willing to be strong providers and protectors who require nothing in return. people keep poking them to "open up" for the sake of some nebulous thing called intimacy. when they share of the inner workings of their mind, they become a liability with too much emotional baggage. people don't want DAs to open up and be authentic. they want DAs to emotionally perform like an SA.
If you’re hearing this and you have concluded this is “a lot” or “too much” just remember that dealing with anyone can be complicated and confusing. At least you now know the ground rules for a DA. No surprises
@Alixir1228 I understand the difference between the two. However there's a massive amount of personal stories shared on these threads where it's obvious the person wasn't interested in them opposed to the stories of avoidants being activated by fears. You're not compatible if you aren't moving in the same direction in your relationship. I know enough avoidants to say that they will stay and try to make it work with specific people because it's more than a strong sexual connection. They actually see a potential partner. If they don't want the responsibility of a relationship, then you are not compatible with your future goals or they don't feel emotionally compatible with you. I swear people will confuse "strong chemistry" with actual love and regardless if the person is a good person and a good fit, they sit on that chemistry and potential and quite frankly we're getting too old for all that.
I love the commitment, but SOOOOOOOOooooOOo over all the pandering and amount of effort dedicated to keeping DAs comfortable. I am a Psych major and know all about attachment disorders, however, no amount of dissecting an unhealed/toxic DA will result in a fulfilling, healthy relationship. Do some more helpful videos that help AAs.
That's exactly how many view anxious preoccupied. Pandering to make them comfortable. It's a lot of work. We should be able to meet our own needs and not project our anxious behaviors onto others.
She has tons of videos on what your asking for already though lol please look through the video section first before making assumptions under the video about avoidant attachments,seek first and you shall find lol
I love and value all the knowledge you share but what I would like to point out is also that it is incredibly challenging even when being patient and understanding and knowing when they are so unaware and keep wanting to love you on their terms only and keep acting like they couldn‘t care less. They make it impossible to receive what they actually crave the most… because I made it clear multiple times that I am not pressuring them but they seemed to keep wanting to have that narrative in their head.
@@nnylasoR Under a previous video of hers, I wrote: If a person is being dismissive and avoidant, that's your clue that they don't want you in their life - stop labeling them and stop stalking them. To be obsessive and possessive of a person who doesn't want you is a sign of mental illness - why do these people fail to understand this conspicuous fact?
@@WhirledPublishing- I fail to “understand” because he proved he wanted me by asking me to marry him, following through, and remaining for 15 years now. How am I in the wrong for believing, and continuing to grasp for it, wanting him to daily prove that “want” instead of pulling away? (😭😭😭)
A guy that wants a woman to fix his meals and to wash his clothes and to keep a clean house - and/or wanting a woman to impress his family and friends - is very different from a man who loves a woman - take care that you're not deceived - by a creep.
Is it a sign of being a DA if he can’t even say my name/ call me by my name? We seldom hold hands because he feels awkward and don’t french kiss either. He also couldn’t say “I miss you.” We’ve been dating for a year. Is he a DA?
Heh. It’s funny to see all the comments here smugly telling DAs to work on themselves. I’m DA thanks to CPTSD. I’ve been in therapy twice. Anti-depressants helped my physical symptoms but didn’t change my DA. People who aren’t DA have no idea how strong it is. BTW the tips in this video don’t have to be for dating. They can also apply to coworkers, relatives, classmates, etc.
This avoidant may be your partner & you have kids and he is also working on him or herself. .in this case this video would be helpful. .or you try your part & by time he found you doing effort he also start his own work.. The avoidant may be your manager & you have to pass the work hours safely. . = for already established relations this video would help to some degree or for some essential time eg till kids grow. . Or he starts therapy. . But as long as it is still a relation without marriage. LEAVE WITHOUT HESITATION..even in work stay the least period of time while looking for a better place .. once a secure one is found & you are so much exhausted just leave. .but if the relation is superficial ¬ causing actual continousl psychological stress can stay in work
my husband who became extremely avoidant for the past two years is emoitionally abusing me. He blames me for his own mistreatment and dont even take accountability for his own mistake. He cheats on me and he is not even sorry and even blames me for confronting that girl. instead of being sorry for breaking my heart, he justifies his affair and blaming me for breaking that girl's heart. He dismisses my needs, controls me, threatens me and so on. One time he said that "I'm sorrt for hurting you but I don't regret anything that I've done" Is there any hope if we go to the therapy or should I just file for divorce?
@@LeeChrissy at first I thought he is one. But actually he doesn’t fit into all the signs. Ive been with him for 7 years. the last 3 years we’ve been in long distance. about a year and half ago, he started following Red Pill community and suddenly his behaviors changed. When I look at our patterns, we were completely stuck in anxious-avoidant trap. Since he listened to Andrew Tate, he kinda give himself the right to cheat and be controlling, he thinks he is a MAN now 😅
@@Myrakian ewwwww noooo!!! I absolutely loathe Andrew Tate and red pill "bros". I hope you're not planning to make it work with this guy. It sounds like the person you fell in love with no longer exists.
That's definitely a narcissist to be very clear ALL NARCISSIST are avoidant not all avoidants are narcissist though..but in your case this is definitely narc who is feeding off of your emotions empathy and light please get a divorce and get out of this toxic situation before he sucks you completely dry you have to love yourself more then you love him your doing a disservice to yourself by staying with someone who is obviously abusing you this person does not love you and they are not just avoidant
@@Myrakiansounds like your making excuses and might not be ready for the truth either... please know that when someone shows you who they really are believe them..he's not worth the stress that he comes with abuse is never ok or cool and your definitely with an abusive person on top of him watching negative content about women to feed and fuel his ego and believes if you dont start putting up boundaries and respecting yourself you'll be in for a very rude awakening it will get worse over time good luck
dude she does one a day, there's going to be a lot of overlap when all your content is about attachment styles. there are only so many examples, thought experiments, and anecdotes you can make.
I'm just not sure why you would want to put the effort into doing this when you could just find someone who had a more (even earned) secure attachment style in the first place. Even if you succeed in getting them to connect initially, their defences will probably kick in later and they will use deactivating strategies and eventually leave.
it's not a competition. learning to support one kind of person doesn't take from you. Thais didn't say to sacrifice your needs. she offered ideas on how to communicate in a different way.
Please just stop with this. If someone isn't ready for a relationship due to untreated trauma move on with your life. People giving advice to keep trying are just making money on your continued unhappiness.
Why don’t we learn all this stuff that helps is survive in in many years of schooling? Ben from advanced degrees. So much time wasted in school that can help us thrive. Instead we focus on so much useless crud
LOL FA hate drama … but they create the drama with nothing 🫠 And it's up to us to understand it and be patient ... to come back to them calmly ... without ever even hearing an apology because he doesn't apologize. excuse them and always forgive them everything, their past trauma has its limits, it's us who end up traumatized.
Gosh, yes I totally agree with you. I’m not even with the guy now but I’m still trying to figure him out through these videos. It leaves a lasting effect.
I found this interesting early on, but now I feel like the amount of effort put into understanding and accommodating avoidants is a bit much. It's rare that an avoidant will make a genuine effort to work on themselves, and if that doesn't happen, all of this is pointless and you're wasting your time. First, they need to develop self-awareness and self-reflection. Without that, nothing you do or don't do will matter. I know Thais really wants us to understand avoidants. But the problem is that most avoidants don't try to understand anyone else.
As a woman who's been with a DA for a few years, I agree. They have to be self-aware and willing. These tools and techniques will not work on someone who isn't there yet. My guy is very self aware and communicative, but it took time. We had to learn each other's style so to speak. If someone is deep in their DA and has luke warm feelings for someone then I probably wouldn't bother honestly.
I sent one step further to watch bizarre movies to understand the damaged person from their point of stand, I developed a lot of empathy for him, allowing him to come and go without too much pressure. But I slowly lose interest because it takes too much of a show up that I feel secure in this relationship when he is crushing hard on another woman while having me in front of my eyes.. and to show him I am enjoying this relationship when in truth the more he himself comes closer and closer he needs more time to be away.. I wish he rather doesn't come closer, talk like friends instead of coming for deep intimacy and be gone for a month straight after! I really would want to end this up, cry grieve and get over it eventually, his ex also said to me that she had to end the relationship as the push and pull felt toxic to her! But him expecting me to gently reassure him and not to ask for deeper conversation doesn't work for me.. I can't beg him, I am an adult with self respect!
Avoidants don't try to understand others or themselves. But if they genuinely don't know anything is different for them compared to others, they will never be able to shift. There needs to be so much more awareness out there about attachment styles, so that seeds can be planted for all insecure attachments, in gentle and meaningful ways
@@sharnamajor not the avoidants in my life. They are aware and will be vulnerable but they're very particular with who.
@LeeChrissy you're lucky. I've only known of one avoidant who knew he was DA, but did nothing about it and he let it sabotage an incredible relationship, without any acknowledgement of the deeper causes.
Never again. I am not putting any more efforts to connect with an avoidant. In fact I learned to recognize them and I will be consciously avoiding them as much as I can for the rest of my life. This one friend left so much bitterness in me that I want to get them out of my life completely and totally.
Nearly every video, I learn something new and find myself adding to my (currently 14) pages of notes regarding Avoidants
only 14.....
@evaninnewport still adding to it 🙃
I’ve been there. My life changed when I started taking more notes on the anxious than the avoidant even though it’s not fun. As the anxious we avoid ourselves, and focus on the other, our healing lies within us
@@tucky3191what are your fav ones on the anxious attachment to watch?
@@evaninnewportthat was my first thought too lol
This is amazing advice once you have forgiven all their cheating!!! Anger gets in the way of showing empathy and support. End of the day, they need to heal and work on themselves.
I am so glad I found your channel. My husband is a DA & is also one of the most amazing people on this planet, he consistently works on himself with the kindest heart but healing from his childhood is hard. I am so grateful to have this insight into learning how to better understand & communicate with him! 🙏🏻
This kind of reminds me of when I learned about sales. I always made sure to ask open ended questions (which was awkward when I first started doing it) and it actually helped me get some major ones at my jobs and later my business. What's interesting now is that even when someone initially says "no" I use the "takeaway method" and they decide to sign up because if perceived value. I think this video can be summarized as, "it's not my what you say, it's how you say it." I tend to agree!
If you are actually trying to improve things, you need to focus on yourself. What are you doing? What are your own attachment injuries? That’s the only thing you can do.
If you are attracted to a person with avoidant traits, there is a reason for that. Heal thyself.
I just applied these tips right now over a commitment related topic with my DA gf, along with positive framing as mentioned before and I was surprised pleasantly surprised, it worked. Though it was very hard self-soothing especially because I thought she did not value our relationship. She was openly talking about marriage, intamacy and stuff and she was like why didn't I talk about this earlier, I said I have been learning about my issues (I am an AP obviously) and I have been learning to self-sooth cos in the past when I was not happy I would bite her head off, lets hope now that we spoke about commitment and intamacy she won't pull away cos she is feeling smothered.
Good for you! All the best for your future.
Good luck. I am going through a tough moment with my lady as well. Hopefully I will be able to get through this as well. Definitely learning how to communicate better without triggering her is going to be the hard part.
@@Eddybo22 I have been learning to self-sooth, manage my thoughts and insecurities and be happy being by myself, I have made decent progress, I am not thinking the worst everytime she creates distance, I am not overthinking when she doesn't text me first, it takes a lot of work and patience, it may feel like as a man you are letting yourself get played but do not second guess yourself, I also found conflict better to deal with the DA cos my gf told me she creates distance in conflict because she does not want to say things that will hurt my feelings. its been a year of work, work, work...to my surprise today she blue me a kiss in public, I was shocked!
So true about the small things they take personal. My ex would book a hotel on a vacation trip out of the country and because I would say something like” this hotel doesn’t do well with their cleaning service”…. He would take it as a criticism directed at him for picking the hotel! He happened to say something about it one time and I apologized so deeply because of course it was not at all directed at him for picking the hotel wow. I was careful after that, but I didn’t know I was with a DA so here we are as exes.
In interviews, Dr. John Gray (Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus) frequently gives the example of choosing a movie. He says it is like he wrote the movie. If his wife liked the film, he was proud. If it wasn't her favorite, he was disappointed. What I understood was that he really just wanted to make his wife happy. When she liked it, he was happy because he had accomplished his mission.
Too bad some people will take a comment about a cleaning service to mean they did something wrong.... you know they weren't in control of the cleaning service at the hotel.
@@KA-ux9qb Right! In turn that made me feel terrible because I never thought of it like that way. Moreover I would never deliberately say something to hurt him like that either. I was always grateful for little things and told him so, but felt like I could express myself freely. Little did I know that was a huge mistake that ultimately was probably part of why he figured we wouldn’t work or he saw it as one of my many flaws. I’m sure there was more. Thankfully I am healing.
@@eileendom5858 I can actually see why this would bother him. Were you hoping that he would cancel the reservations and rebook somewhere else? If not, I don't understand why the comment was necessary. I'm a very solution oriented and literal person and when I make a comment like this, it's to find a solution, not just to say it. If it hadn't been booked yet and you were looking for hotels together and you said it then that'd be a different story, but it was already done so why say it at all?
It's not really a big deal and definitely not the end of the world, but if this wasn't a one off and there were other comments like this building up over time, I might start feeling a certain way myself.
@@LeeChrissy oh my goodness really? It wasn’t a big deal of a comment to me. I said it once about something insignificant. I can’t remember exactly. The point of my comment was that I remembered how small it was to me and the huge negative impact it had on him which was not at all what I intended. Either way, I hope he is happy now and perhaps is with someone who is more careful with their words. I am learning all about why it didn’t work.
@@eileendom5858 I get it. I think for me I'm just very reserved with my words and try and pause and think before I say anything just in case. That's to anyone, not just a partner. Here's an example. Imagine your boss telling you and the rest of the staff that as a reward for kicking ass in sales that month, she just ordered a bunch of food from a specific restaurant and it's already on the way. Would you say to your boss "That restaurant actually isn't that great." You probably wouldn't right? If she hadn't ordered yet and was asking for everyone's opinion then that's absolutely fine, but similar to the hotel, it was already done and so comments like that are no longer helpful. Someone does this nice thing and that's the response they get? Now imagine a couple of months later that same boss came up with (what she perceives as) a brilliant idea on how to bring customers in and she set up an event and then you say "This probably isn't going to bring in any extra customers" after she already set it up. Now that's 2 times in her head that you've had something to say after it's already been done. A lot of bosses have thick skin and can take it, but some might be hurt and take it as repeated small criticisms. Does that make sense?
Like I said, not the end of the world. It's just one of those things to stop and think if it was a helpful and necessary comment or not.
Just be nice and have a healthy balance. DA's can be great partners. You just need to learn to communicate with one another.
What frustrates me the most is when he says, “call or text me later,” and he doesn’t answer or respond. I’ve told him I won’t call or text & I don’t call or text anymore and he wonders why? I’m on the precipice of walking away for good despite how much of a thought I loved him. It’s just insanity. He’s exhausting. And he says he is. So….. ???? 8 years is nuts. He appears nutty. 🙄 yep twice he was to move in & gave me the typical excuses for a DA both times. I’m on day 6 of NO CONTACT & it feels liberating
I think you are wonderful and I’m super excited to learn from you in this video! There is something wrong with the sound quality of this specific video.
(Recorded Lives are often lower quality than standard videos.)
As a DA this is very accurate
My ex dumped me after a 5 month relationship. We've known each other for a few years. We didn't have one single argument. Occasionally she would cancel plans which isn't the end of the world. The last time she canceled weekend plans then over that weekend broke up with me over text. I didn't know about no contact and like an idiot I chased her with a text message 3 times over a month and a half. Then she blocked me. Based on your videos she a text book FA. I don't think she'll ever come back and that hurts because she was 100% into everything, until she wasn't
She‘ll come back, just let her cool down by going no contact. Do yourself a favor and focus on yourself…
She may not come back but I would feel relieved because her behavior is not loving. You don’t need that in your life! There is someone (many others) who will make you happier.
My DA ex just dumped me after 6 months. While we didn't ever fight, I found myself constantly tip toeing around and never having serious discussions about anything because I was afraid of scaring him off or overwhelming him...and then he wondered why we didn't feel connected 🙄
Are you guys compatible and have the same life goals?
If she's a textbook FA then she'll be back. DAs are a little different and may never. But FAs will come back...again, and again, and again. You have to be super stoic about everything that they do
My partner is a DA and it’s exhausting. Im an anxious attachment and we just go in circles. I need reassurance he doesn’t give that. 🆘
Try the personal development school to heal your anxious attachment. It's a great school.
13:41 Pardon my glibness, but does anyone else here agree that maybe it's not us who needs to do this tightrope walk and actually THEY who needs to work on these crazy-making expectations? If I was secure and had to play this game of cat and mouse to try to predict which way the wind is blowing, IT IS I who would suddenly become an insecurely attached person. This is not the way IMHO. It might be better to just avoid the avoidant, especially if they don't indicate any desire to change how they attach (e.g. really? I'm NOT perfect? you're criticizing me, and that hurts!). Um, yes dear...I'm letting you know how you not changing this is hurting US and even ME.
No one should stay with anyone they are incompatible with. Staying and walking the tightrope means you can't communicate with each other. Better to find a more suitable match don't you think?
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 Agree, of course. But this video is not about moving on. It's about navigating around this person. Not against that per se, just making light of the fact that this must be a temporary accommodation whole the avoidant does the real and heavier lifting of healing their destructive patterns.
@@GuyVinmara I guess it's hard for me to understand because I would never twist myself into a pretzel to make it work with anyone. Compatibility and having relationship goals is pretty important and you're polar opposites and one partner is not willing or interested in meeting your needs then I'd say call it a day. Life is too short.
You can control your behaviour, but you cannot control how someone else behaves. Wishing won't make something happen. Your choice.
@@gregvanpaassen Yup. I know that.
Thank you for the video.
12:22 The problem with some DA's is that they don't like to communicate much. They don't want to open up and tell you when something is wrong.
When you finally reach them and when they do anything you ask of them, they only do enough to hear "I am proud of you" and then they stop.
They're not CONSISTENT with their efforts. They don't take time to understand your point of view and why you feel the way you do but they want you to understand them 100% and mindread their feelings and moods.
It's definitely very tiring and exhausting. But takes alot of patience to work through as well.
Omg this video pointed out so many things I said and did to push him away when I thought I was being supportive and telling my needs. I did it the wrong way and now we’re not talking. I told him i deserved more then to be ignored but really he was going into his safe place…ugh I don’t know what to do now
Stay quiet and he would return .. hopefully
Please stop beating yourself up about things you had no knowledge about most people who have dated avoidants didn't know they were dating one that's how you learn and become aware most avoidants don't know they are avoidants either until they get honest with themselves and do the work lol a relationship is a two way street and you DO deserve some one who takes the time to understand you as well and no you don't deserve to just be ignored that's not ok there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you said..the best thing you can do for the both of you guys is to focus on yourself and don't worry about him I promise you eventually he will come back around if y'all had something meaningful but it will take time the more you obsesse about that time the longer it will take for him to come back avoidants have to process situations on their own in there own way with out interference and YOU have to be able not to personalize that..and know it's not all your fault every time they want to deactivate it's really out of your control..
Chica, how are you not asking yourself, "I deserve to not only not be ignored, but to have someone apologize and hold me (metaphorically and physically) when I have that feeling, because we both love the relationship so much." Why wouldn't you want to be with someone who loves you for caring about the relationship, and respecting each other/being respected? You Are Worthy of Being Loved --- and there are GREAT men out there who will adore you!!! And you will feel so powerful, when you're in that space of being cherished so much, and you get to shine your love on them with zero restraints! Please believe me. I was married 23y to a diagnosed narcissist (and a lot of these comments btw are not just about DAs...they're full blown personality disorder narcissists) and had to have 8y of trust and self- building through $$$$$$$$ of therapy and a beautiful man who did everything I just said above for me, but I couldn't commit to bc I was so broken. He's gone, but his lessons remain...don't do to yourself what I did to my life, wait for the great guy and have a LIFETIME of loving memories and energy together ❤
I personally feel that your shame shouldn't be ANYONE'S responsibility to manage or accommodate for you. That's YOURS, not anyone else's. No one else should have to be responsible for the burden of your sensitivity to correction and inability to accept yourself as flawed. No one else should have to pay for YOUR dysfunction. Whether someone is avoidant or not, no one should have to adapt to your decision to run and hide instead of living with honor and integrity.
Agreed. Similar to when an anxious preoccupied person has a ton of needs they expect their partner to meet. No one has to be anyone's responsibility. If two people choose to want to make it work with one another then those are hurdles they bring onto themselves. If someone doesn't want to accommodate the other then it's not the right relationship for them.
Thankyou for saying that because I was thinking it!
@iblincoe2094 imagine someone said this about people on wheelchairs..... passing blame on a weakness is not the way. True DAs must take responsibility but loved ones play an important role in the healing process..... if you cant be bothered.... you are probably better keeping to yourself up there on your pedestal
@@GodiscomingBhappy I really don't want to presume anything about anyone I don't know or to make any insinuations about anyone, but to be entirely honest, when an acquired, entirely treatable insecurity in relating, that's severity is directly proportional to the effort invested in mitigating it, is compared to a congenital physical disability that impairs someone's entire life in every conceivable way and cannot be treated or alleviated, as if that's an example of comparative suffering and equal responsibility, that screams victim mentality to me. Conflating deficits in social relating to the tragedy of being born without the use of your legs is just unfathomable to me. Not being able to handle criticism is nothing like not being able to walk!
And I don't know anything about any pedestal, but I do know that I don't expect anything from anyone else that I don't also expect from myself. I live fully in alignment with my values. I refuse to let myself or any of my shortcomings become a burden on anyone else because I know I'm not entitled to make anyone else responsible for my dysfunction. It's entirely reasonable for me to expect that I am afforded the same basic courtesy. If I'm taking responsibility for myself and managing all of my own faults and flaws, why do I also have to be responsible for yours?? Personal responsibility is a mark of maturity.
@@lblincoe2094 you're making a DA's case for them. this is why DAs keep their feelings to themselves. they're willing to be strong providers and protectors who require nothing in return. people keep poking them to "open up" for the sake of some nebulous thing called intimacy. when they share of the inner workings of their mind, they become a liability with too much emotional baggage. people don't want DAs to open up and be authentic. they want DAs to emotionally perform like an SA.
I literally said to him "im really enjoying how things are going..""
verbatim!! pretty much your example and he still ran away
My DA lived for arguing. It was his excuse to dip out for days and then come back acting as of nothing happened. Exhausting.
Sounds like a fearful avoidant.
Sometimes people are just not compatible...
I agree. People keep trying to make it work with someone who clearly isn't the right fit for them.
If you’re hearing this and you have concluded this is “a lot” or “too much” just remember that dealing with anyone can be complicated and confusing. At least you now know the ground rules for a DA. No surprises
@Alixir1228 I understand the difference between the two. However there's a massive amount of personal stories shared on these threads where it's obvious the person wasn't interested in them opposed to the stories of avoidants being activated by fears. You're not compatible if you aren't moving in the same direction in your relationship. I know enough avoidants to say that they will stay and try to make it work with specific people because it's more than a strong sexual connection. They actually see a potential partner. If they don't want the responsibility of a relationship, then you are not compatible with your future goals or they don't feel emotionally compatible with you. I swear people will confuse "strong chemistry" with actual love and regardless if the person is a good person and a good fit, they sit on that chemistry and potential and quite frankly we're getting too old for all that.
I love the commitment, but SOOOOOOOOooooOOo over all the pandering and amount of effort dedicated to keeping DAs comfortable. I am a Psych major and know all about attachment disorders, however, no amount of dissecting an unhealed/toxic DA will result in a fulfilling, healthy relationship. Do some more helpful videos that help AAs.
That's exactly how many view anxious preoccupied. Pandering to make them comfortable. It's a lot of work. We should be able to meet our own needs and not project our anxious behaviors onto others.
She has tons of videos on what your asking for already though lol please look through the video section first before making assumptions under the video about avoidant attachments,seek first and you shall find lol
I love and value all the knowledge you share but what I would like to point out is also that it is incredibly challenging even when being patient and understanding and knowing when they are so unaware and keep wanting to love you on their terms only and keep acting like they couldn‘t care less. They make it impossible to receive what they actually crave the most… because I made it clear multiple times that I am not pressuring them but they seemed to keep wanting to have that narrative in their head.
I know what you mean. Currently going through it. Very frustrating indeed.
tl;dr seemed to be: try not to be critical and create conflicts, try to be appreciative and understanding.
Which maybe is good advice for anyone?
Bingo.
It's great to learn tactics for bypassing the avoidant's defenses - so I can bypass the new tactics ... by creating new defenses
😂
Oh man ……. amusingly, albeit painfully, relatable.
@@nnylasoR Under a previous video of hers, I wrote: If a person is being dismissive and avoidant, that's your clue that they don't want you in their life - stop labeling them and stop stalking them. To be obsessive and possessive of a person who doesn't want you is a sign of mental illness - why do these people fail to understand this conspicuous fact?
@@WhirledPublishing- I fail to “understand” because he proved he wanted me by asking me to marry him, following through, and remaining for 15 years now.
How am I in the wrong for believing, and continuing to grasp for it, wanting him to daily prove that “want” instead of pulling away? (😭😭😭)
A guy that wants a woman to fix his meals and to wash his clothes and to keep a clean house - and/or wanting a woman to impress his family and friends - is very different from a man who loves a woman - take care that you're not deceived - by a creep.
Hi Thais..I'm excited to watch ur videos..but sometimes I'm unable to catch it because it is too fast dear..😅
Change the video speed under your controls. If you click the gear in the right hand corner, you can change the "playback speed."
@@sashaadien owh yes! Its working well! Tq for teaching me dear! Appreciated it!!!
Is it a sign of being a DA if he can’t even say my name/ call me by my name? We seldom hold hands because he feels awkward and don’t french kiss either. He also couldn’t say “I miss you.” We’ve been dating for a year. Is he a DA?
your content has seriously helped my relationship sm. thank you ❤
Heh. It’s funny to see all the comments here smugly telling DAs to work on themselves. I’m DA thanks to CPTSD. I’ve been in therapy twice. Anti-depressants helped my physical symptoms but didn’t change my DA. People who aren’t DA have no idea how strong it is. BTW the tips in this video don’t have to be for dating. They can also apply to coworkers, relatives, classmates, etc.
you're my favorite content creator love
She's amazing.
haven't watched the video, but FA's do this naturally with them 💅
Will the DA change their number and still come back?
How can avoidants make connections ? What should I be doing. I feel like my inexperience in dating has made my Avoidance more problematic.
This avoidant may be your partner & you have kids and he is also working on him or herself. .in this case this video would be helpful. .or you try your part & by time he found you doing effort he also start his own work..
The avoidant may be your manager & you have to pass the work hours safely. .
= for already established relations this video would help to some degree or for some essential time eg till kids grow. . Or he starts therapy. .
But as long as it is still a relation without marriage. LEAVE WITHOUT HESITATION..even in work stay the least period of time while looking for a better place .. once a secure one is found & you are so much exhausted just leave. .but if the relation is superficial ¬ causing actual continousl psychological stress can stay in work
Oh ,I don't like people yelling at me either, I shut down aswell
My thing is no one knows to communicate like this. And you may and something will still trigger them
my husband who became extremely avoidant for the past two years is emoitionally abusing me. He blames me for his own mistreatment and dont even take accountability for his own mistake. He cheats on me and he is not even sorry and even blames me for confronting that girl. instead of being sorry for breaking my heart, he justifies his affair and blaming me for breaking that girl's heart. He dismisses my needs, controls me, threatens me and so on. One time he said that "I'm sorrt for hurting you but I don't regret anything that I've done"
Is there any hope if we go to the therapy or should I just file for divorce?
Oh no. That's a narcissist my friend. Please try and get away from that man. 😢
@@LeeChrissy at first I thought he is one. But actually he doesn’t fit into all the signs. Ive been with him for 7 years. the last 3 years we’ve been in long distance. about a year and half ago, he started following Red Pill community and suddenly his behaviors changed. When I look at our patterns, we were completely stuck in anxious-avoidant trap.
Since he listened to Andrew Tate, he kinda give himself the right to cheat and be controlling, he thinks he is a MAN now 😅
@@Myrakian ewwwww noooo!!! I absolutely loathe Andrew Tate and red pill "bros". I hope you're not planning to make it work with this guy. It sounds like the person you fell in love with no longer exists.
That's definitely a narcissist to be very clear ALL NARCISSIST are avoidant not all avoidants are narcissist though..but in your case this is definitely narc who is feeding off of your emotions empathy and light please get a divorce and get out of this toxic situation before he sucks you completely dry you have to love yourself more then you love him your doing a disservice to yourself by staying with someone who is obviously abusing you this person does not love you and they are not just avoidant
@@Myrakiansounds like your making excuses and might not be ready for the truth either... please know that when someone shows you who they really are believe them..he's not worth the stress that he comes with abuse is never ok or cool and your definitely with an abusive person on top of him watching negative content about women to feed and fuel his ego and believes if you dont start putting up boundaries and respecting yourself you'll be in for a very rude awakening it will get worse over time good luck
Just feels like walking on eggshells...they need to do some work too, or it feels like a lot of effort on the other side...
Does this also works on someone with severe commitment issues?
this format of videos suits me a lot
7:03 Real Housewives drama.. Is that why I turn it during drama and if it’s too dramatic I stop watching 🛑 ?
Is this video a repeat? It seems like an old video re posted
dude she does one a day, there's going to be a lot of overlap when all your content is about attachment styles. there are only so many examples, thought experiments, and anecdotes you can make.
The sound quality on this video is inferior.
I'm just not sure why you would want to put the effort into doing this when you could just find someone who had a more (even earned) secure attachment style in the first place. Even if you succeed in getting them to connect initially, their defences will probably kick in later and they will use deactivating strategies and eventually leave.
Lol if DAs don't want to be in conflict why do they start so many?
They don't. Maybe you mean fearful avoidants?
you got a new sub
How to heal experience the opposite yes❤
Thais, you're speaking too quickly on this one. Difficult to catch everything you're saying which is a shame.
It seems to coddle the DA. Poor little him/her. We must treat them like they’re fine china. Are the rest of us just as important??
it's not a competition. learning to support one kind of person doesn't take from you. Thais didn't say to sacrifice your needs. she offered ideas on how to communicate in a different way.
Connect with an FA? Comedy Gold...
The sound/audio is UNBEARABLE in this video!
Now where is the video teaching Avoidants to be normal human beings?
Teach them to have feelings and care? no tutorials for them? no? ok...😂
If you're seeing this comment, it might be a sign to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio, much love ❤️
Link? I tried to find this and couldn't
it’s spam
Run away from
These people. They will ruin your life. More negative than positive come from
Them.
TOO MUCH TROUBLE… They really should get over themselves. GROW UP. 🎉
zombie..... bot comment guys dont fall for it
Exactly!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Please just stop with this. If someone isn't ready for a relationship due to untreated trauma move on with your life. People giving advice to keep trying are just making money on your continued unhappiness.
❤❤❤❤
Why don’t we learn all this stuff that helps is survive in in many years of schooling? Ben from advanced degrees. So much time wasted in school that can help us thrive. Instead we focus on so much useless crud
this video really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio
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F DAs
Cant even listen for over a minute. This persons vocal fry is out of control.
I didn't notice. Her content is so good that her voice is the last thing I'm paying attention to.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111would be if she talked slower literally gives me anxiety
I still can't believe no one on youtube is talking about the ebook magnetic aura from Talesio
Stop
@@SK-no2pp that title seriously needs to be added to the block words list for this channel!
LOL FA hate drama … but they create the drama with nothing 🫠
And it's up to us to understand it and be patient ... to come back to them calmly ... without ever even hearing an apology because he doesn't apologize. excuse them and always forgive them everything, their past trauma has its limits, it's us who end up traumatized.
Gosh, yes I totally agree with you. I’m not even with the guy now but I’m still trying to figure him out through these videos. It leaves a lasting effect.