Trusting someone with my heart has been the most difficult thing in my life. It's sad because I dream of a soulmate kind of love. But I know that requires a huge amount of trust. It's difficult because all I hear about are stories of betrayal in relationships.. That's why I stopped watching true crime 😅.
Trust is earned. Start by trusting yourself, don’t betray yourself. Take your time getting involved. Keep watching these videos, lot of this stuff has taken quite a while to sink in with me
One wise commenter said on a PDS webinar once "Maybe you don't trust people because you don't trust yourself." I remember being perplexed by this comment initially, but hearing you say it again after doing the work to heal, it makes so much sense. Over this past year I've started showing up for myself more instead of others and what a difference it made! While I test secure now, I'm not quite there where I'm ready to let anyone in. Romantic relationships have never been a priority to me and I already have kids, so there's no clock ticking. I'm in the mindset that if it happens organically then I'm open. I'm just not looking for it.
Yes, I agree with that. For me, I know that perfect relationships don't exist, and at one point, one may even cheat, and I get that, I know that. For me, I realized, I cannot trust my emotions as I feel everything so deeply. Any sort of uncertainty is freaking scary for me, not because of what the actual event might be but because Im not sure I can handle my own emotions when it comes to that. So yeah, can't give what you don't have they said.
I’m going to watch this whole playlist while waiting for a spot in therapy, this is actually affecting my life heavily, probably one of the biggest factors holding me back in life, it’s time. 💗🙏🦋
As a fearful avoidant, trusting myself is the first step. People have to prove to me that they're trustworthy though. I used to blindly trust, until they proved otherwise. That didn't work for me.
As a fearful avoidant, trust has always been hard for me, but I am learning to trust myself and make the right decisions for ME. Choosing someone who is congruent and shows up when they say they will is the key, but after being in a long term relationship now I need time to heal myself and learn to reprogram my core beliefs. This channel has helped me so much.
I'm working on trust at the moment. I noticed that I don't communicate my needs, so I've started communicating my needs and I've noticed that people don't want to meet my needs. They deny or ignore my needs. What I've done is communicate that this was not negotiable. People are then showing up to meet the need that I've said was needed, but I'm finding that there is resentment for having to meet my needs. I'm not meeting these people that are willing to meet my needs. That is why I don't trust that people do want to meet my needs, but I do understand what my needs are. I do understand that I must communicate my needs and repeat them when they don't get met, but this free flowing trusting relationship simply doesn't exist.
It is possible to find someone who wants to meet your needs and will meet them. But, we are human so even if it that someone wants to and is trying to meet your needs they will mess up sometimes and not do it correctly or whatever and they can’t meet then if you don’t communicate clearly what your needs are. If they don’t know what your needs are they can’t meet them
It could be the people you are surrounding your self with, unconsciously choosing people that will not meet your needs? When I started trying to communicate my needs I noticed people that I had considered friends seemed irritated that I now had needs(as I was an FA trying to have no needs before). Whereas now people who I chose to surround myself with are very different, which I think is a result of my self worth improving and working on communicating my boundaries and needs
@@oaktree2254 Yes, I agree. You've got to that next stage. I'm glad that this has happened for you. I'm an FA, but I've been working on my inner connection for 10 years, so I'm on 'I'm ok, you're not ok' which is more avoidant than fearful. So I'm working on the 'you're not ok' but being appropriately vulnerable and seeing what happens. I'm sort of getting there. I am practising being appropriately vulnerable and transparent and I am starting to see people try which is better than before. I was really surprised how much terror I felt when I started to say what I needed. I guess my point was only some people responded. At the time I wrote, noone was responding. I've noticed I'm present with their response, which I am grateful for, but I'm a bit suspicious. It's not overwhelmingly suspicious, but it is there, and I'm aware of it. I've replied to you because it seemed to me that you were the only person who read my post with all the nuances, so thank you for taking the time to do that.
I have a hard time with trust and it bothers people when I don't put my life in their hands. I have been called selfish and it reinforces my lack of trust 😂 I don't like when people project onto me and I don't allow it. I no longer bother to be "understood" by anyone. Vulnerability is hard, but not when there are no expectations. It's hard to find those kinds of people though
Oh my. It wasn't you who made it dawn on me that I'm actually an xious and fe arful, but you sure do confirm it. It' also good to know that you were formerly FA yourself, and I learned yesterday in the comments that you are married to a DA person. You really went above and beyond your own hurdle, and the world can thank you for that - I for one, thank you. I found your page or rather thanks to the magic of youtube your page found me, as I started the journey of trying to understand why the woman I was in love with was so cold and uncaring. First steps into the larger world of attachment styles - a week ago or so. I see that DA+FA couples are often a thing, and at this point I'm wondering why. I can see how the Fearful Avoidant's hypervigilance and eagerness to please is a match for a Dismissive Avoidant, who hates to be in touch with his/her feelings, and expects others to just guess everything (and really, I'm starting to see how that stems from even worse childhood trauma than a FA's) What I'm wondering at this point is why FAs are so often drawn to DAs. Is it because the honeymoon version of the not-yet-revealed-DA was so beautiful? (but that could happen with any attachment type. So why do they seem to flock to DAs? And not to, say, other FA's, or secure types?) Or is it because they need to be needed and find reinforcement in the DA's unspoken neediness ("read my thoughts or else")?
I’m learning so much from you!! I’m realizing how important I want to help others!! I’ve been involved with a fearful avoidant for six years. I understand now why our relationship was a roller coaster ride.
Self-Trust Congruency - what I say I do Consistency - Considerate - how you treat your boundaries and emotions - kind to self Context - understand self - Communicate to others.
@thais I’m so grateful I ran across your videos. You have helped me understand myself (as well as my current) so much better! Now to start the healing process so I can grow out of the FA and become securely attached.
Hi Thais I love your videos can you do some videos for non romantic relationships like friends such as an FA n DA relationship. I lost my sister and even tho I was explicit in what I needed my DA friend was mean n rude to me after a month they said I am using my sister death as an excuse they said they would b there for me but would b there
My trust is keeping get betrayed, so no matter how much I want to trust...I can't anymore. I give everything and I get 0 back. I give up on dating. I'm 36, living alone and already single since 10 years. People always HURT me, bleeding my soul literally... Best, a FA woman.
You need to only give a little trust, a little investment then check to see if they're giving it back. Move towards others incrementally instead of going all in
as much as I thought I understood, tried to move past. I was rocked the other day when I had an accident... and completely went the solo route, never said anything amd kept working, till asked fiancee for some pain meds... and was hurt deep when she asked why I did say anything, then compounded when she said she had gotten the meds... solo player runs deep sadly
Trust is hard. More so the more I get to know a person, or the longer I am in a relationship, the harder it is for me to trust them. I can talk and rationalize why I am feeling a certain way and what I would want but some things are not rational…I think. And as the relationship progresses I just want out and to start over.
Building self trust is going to be the hardest with untreated BPD. I just wanted to share that until I can deal with the traumas of hopefully maybe integration, then I won't be able to trust myself because if I slide into that trauma personality I have no memory and she is not a nice person. But I have goals and that's one of them cuz I would love to be able to trust myself completely
How do you not have a level of fear inside if you stand up for yourself and voice your boundaries when it gets turned back onto you. My work environment is unhealthy and there’s 3 people (2 are bosses) who have trust wounds. Because they see the world through that perception it creates a really difficult place to be in. The 3 of them feed each other and work themselves up and if you stand up and say it’s not ok to treat people the way they do, you become the target. How do you overcome that fear in a psychologically unsafe environment without leaving especially a work environment when you need an income to live. That feels like being trapped.
If you work in a narcissistic workplace, you can voice your opinions and needs all you want, it will not change anything. Only create conflict. So my approach to this type of problem is: leave thag unhealthy environment.
@@fiction589you're absolutely right, you can't stay in an unhealthy environment... This can be really hard if you've invested a lot of time in a job but sometimes you just have to leave
Question: unlike dismissive avoidants,, do fearful avoidants WANT their SO to reach out every day? I’ve read that FAs have a hard time with no contact. Thank you.
As a FA yes if it's a romantic relationship, but only once or twice in a day, or else I feel overwhelmed. No contact feels very bad. It makes me sad, then angry, then I slowly loose interest. If he repeats the no contact cycle , like days or weeks (!!) of no contact, I lose interest completely. On the other hand, if it's any other type of relationship, I DON'T want everyday contact. It makes me feel suffocated. Keep it sparse. Hope this helps.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy As a FA I find DA more avoidant than me, if that makes sense. Pay attention to how much is he willing to open up, this emphasis to the "willing to", because at the end of the day both DA and FA find very difficult and triggering and "unsafe" to open up and we keep our distance instead 😬 and no, it's not your fault. It's we are terrified of showing vulnerability.
@@darkredrose7683 yes romantic relationship, altho in a year’s time we’ve only met up twice, if that helps. Lots and lots of messaging. Hasn’t explained anything about their childhood so far, but did open up recently about a different traumatic event.
Sometimes jealously is something that lives in your head though. Believe me, I've dated men who got jealous and accused for literally no reason. They were insecure and like that with all their girlfriends.
Vulnerability and speaking up for what you need as an FA is critical. It takes a lot of internal work to be able to do this an FA 💯
Trusting someone with my heart has been the most difficult thing in my life. It's sad because I dream of a soulmate kind of love. But I know that requires a huge amount of trust. It's difficult because all I hear about are stories of betrayal in relationships.. That's why I stopped watching true crime 😅.
Trust is earned. Start by trusting yourself, don’t betray yourself. Take your time getting involved.
Keep watching these videos, lot of this stuff has taken quite a while to sink in with me
One wise commenter said on a PDS webinar once "Maybe you don't trust people because you don't trust yourself." I remember being perplexed by this comment initially, but hearing you say it again after doing the work to heal, it makes so much sense.
Over this past year I've started showing up for myself more instead of others and what a difference it made!
While I test secure now, I'm not quite there where I'm ready to let anyone in. Romantic relationships have never been a priority to me and I already have kids, so there's no clock ticking. I'm in the mindset that if it happens organically then I'm open. I'm just not looking for it.
Yes, I agree with that. For me, I know that perfect relationships don't exist, and at one point, one may even cheat, and I get that, I know that. For me, I realized, I cannot trust my emotions as I feel everything so deeply. Any sort of uncertainty is freaking scary for me, not because of what the actual event might be but because Im not sure I can handle my own emotions when it comes to that. So yeah, can't give what you don't have they said.
I’m going to watch this whole playlist while waiting for a spot in therapy, this is actually affecting my life heavily, probably one of the biggest factors holding me back in life, it’s time. 💗🙏🦋
As a fearful avoidant, trusting myself is the first step. People have to prove to me that they're trustworthy though. I used to blindly trust, until they proved otherwise. That didn't work for me.
I am the same. Funny thing is I thought I made up the term “blind trust” cuz that’s what I do! Until they show me otherwise.
I'm learning to "test the spirits". Truth is revealed over time.
As a fearful avoidant, trust has always been hard for me, but I am learning to trust myself and make the right decisions for ME. Choosing someone who is congruent and shows up when they say they will is the key, but after being in a long term relationship now I need time to heal myself and learn to reprogram my core beliefs. This channel has helped me so much.
My last relationship was with someone that I finally let myself fully trust and they turned out to be a narcissist. I don’t want to ever do it again.
same
I'm working on trust at the moment. I noticed that I don't communicate my needs, so I've started communicating my needs and I've noticed that people don't want to meet my needs. They deny or ignore my needs. What I've done is communicate that this was not negotiable. People are then showing up to meet the need that I've said was needed, but I'm finding that there is resentment for having to meet my needs. I'm not meeting these people that are willing to meet my needs. That is why I don't trust that people do want to meet my needs, but I do understand what my needs are. I do understand that I must communicate my needs and repeat them when they don't get met, but this free flowing trusting relationship simply doesn't exist.
As an FA, I'm a TERRIBLE communicator of my needs.No wonder people don't "get me"!
It is possible to find someone who wants to meet your needs and will meet them. But, we are human so even if it that someone wants to and is trying to meet your needs they will mess up sometimes and not do it correctly or whatever and they can’t meet then if you don’t communicate clearly what your needs are. If they don’t know what your needs are they can’t meet them
Just because you're good at communicating your needs now, doesn't mean someone else is required to meet them
It could be the people you are surrounding your self with, unconsciously choosing people that will not meet your needs? When I started trying to communicate my needs I noticed people that I had considered friends seemed irritated that I now had needs(as I was an FA trying to have no needs before). Whereas now people who I chose to surround myself with are very different, which I think is a result of my self worth improving and working on communicating my boundaries and needs
@@oaktree2254 Yes, I agree. You've got to that next stage. I'm glad that this has happened for you. I'm an FA, but I've been working on my inner connection for 10 years, so I'm on 'I'm ok, you're not ok' which is more avoidant than fearful. So I'm working on the 'you're not ok' but being appropriately vulnerable and seeing what happens. I'm sort of getting there. I am practising being appropriately vulnerable and transparent and I am starting to see people try which is better than before. I was really surprised how much terror I felt when I started to say what I needed. I guess my point was only some people responded. At the time I wrote, noone was responding. I've noticed I'm present with their response, which I am grateful for, but I'm a bit suspicious. It's not overwhelmingly suspicious, but it is there, and I'm aware of it. I've replied to you because it seemed to me that you were the only person who read my post with all the nuances, so thank you for taking the time to do that.
I have a hard time with trust and it bothers people when I don't put my life in their hands. I have been called selfish and it reinforces my lack of trust 😂 I don't like when people project onto me and I don't allow it.
I no longer bother to be "understood" by anyone. Vulnerability is hard, but not when there are no expectations. It's hard to find those kinds of people though
I needed to hear this! You’re amazing! The approach to your audience, how you explain it in such simple examples…. Thank you for this video!
Oh my. It wasn't you who made it dawn on me that I'm actually an xious and fe arful, but you sure do confirm it.
It' also good to know that you were formerly FA yourself, and I learned yesterday in the comments that you are married to a DA person. You really went above and beyond your own hurdle, and the world can thank you for that - I for one, thank you.
I found your page or rather thanks to the magic of youtube your page found me, as I started the journey of trying to understand why the woman I was in love with was so cold and uncaring. First steps into the larger world of attachment styles - a week ago or so.
I see that DA+FA couples are often a thing, and at this point I'm wondering why.
I can see how the Fearful Avoidant's hypervigilance and eagerness to please is a match for a Dismissive Avoidant, who hates to be in touch with his/her feelings, and expects others to just guess everything (and really, I'm starting to see how that stems from even worse childhood trauma than a FA's)
What I'm wondering at this point is why FAs are so often drawn to DAs. Is it because the honeymoon version of the not-yet-revealed-DA was so beautiful? (but that could happen with any attachment type. So why do they seem to flock to DAs? And not to, say, other FA's, or secure types?)
Or is it because they need to be needed and find reinforcement in the DA's unspoken neediness ("read my thoughts or else")?
I’m learning so much from you!!
I’m realizing how important I want to help others!!
I’ve been involved with a fearful avoidant for six years. I understand now why our relationship was a roller coaster ride.
Self-Trust
Congruency - what I say I do
Consistency -
Considerate - how you treat your boundaries and emotions - kind to self
Context - understand self -
Communicate to others.
@thais I’m so grateful I ran across your videos. You have helped me understand myself (as well as my current) so much better! Now to start the healing process so I can grow out of the FA and become securely attached.
I know this combo as disorganized avoidant.
Hi Thais I love your videos can you do some videos for non romantic relationships like friends such as an FA n DA relationship. I lost my sister and even tho I was explicit in what I needed my DA friend was mean n rude to me after a month they said I am using my sister death as an excuse they said they would b there for me but would b there
makes 100% sense. thank you Thais. God bless you & your work for the masses
My trust is keeping get betrayed, so no matter how much I want to trust...I can't anymore. I give everything and I get 0 back. I give up on dating. I'm 36, living alone and already single since 10 years. People always HURT me, bleeding my soul literally... Best, a FA woman.
The hardest part is even if someone is good it's hard to believe. You never know, one day it just might work out when you least expect it. FA man
You need to only give a little trust, a little investment then check to see if they're giving it back. Move towards others incrementally instead of going all in
@@sethtenrec thank you, but I don't know how to do a little bit trust 😔
Great video. Thanks 🙏
as much as I thought I understood, tried to move past. I was rocked the other day when I had an accident... and completely went the solo route, never said anything amd kept working, till asked fiancee for some pain meds... and was hurt deep when she asked why I did say anything, then compounded when she said she had gotten the meds... solo player runs deep sadly
Trust is hard. More so the more I get to know a person, or the longer I am in a relationship, the harder it is for me to trust them. I can talk and rationalize why I am feeling a certain way and what I would want but some things are not rational…I think. And as the relationship progresses I just want out and to start over.
Building self trust is going to be the hardest with untreated BPD. I just wanted to share that until I can deal with the traumas of hopefully maybe integration, then I won't be able to trust myself because if I slide into that trauma personality I have no memory and she is not a nice person. But I have goals and that's one of them cuz I would love to be able to trust myself completely
How do you not have a level of fear inside if you stand up for yourself and voice your boundaries when it gets turned back onto you. My work environment is unhealthy and there’s 3 people (2 are bosses) who have trust wounds. Because they see the world through that perception it creates a really difficult place to be in. The 3 of them feed each other and work themselves up and if you stand up and say it’s not ok to treat people the way they do, you become the target.
How do you overcome that fear in a psychologically unsafe environment without leaving especially a work environment when you need an income to live. That feels like being trapped.
If you work in a narcissistic workplace, you can voice your opinions and needs all you want, it will not change anything. Only create conflict. So my approach to this type of problem is: leave thag unhealthy environment.
@@fiction589you're absolutely right, you can't stay in an unhealthy environment... This can be really hard if you've invested a lot of time in a job but sometimes you just have to leave
Does the personal development school have spanish option? Asking for a friend.
I think my SO is both DA and FA. How do I know which is the primary attachment style? 😢
Question: unlike dismissive avoidants,, do fearful avoidants WANT their SO to reach out every day? I’ve read that FAs have a hard time with no contact. Thank you.
As a FA yes if it's a romantic relationship, but only once or twice in a day, or else I feel overwhelmed. No contact feels very bad. It makes me sad, then angry, then I slowly loose interest. If he repeats the no contact cycle , like days or weeks (!!) of no contact, I lose interest completely. On the other hand, if it's any other type of relationship, I DON'T want everyday contact. It makes me feel suffocated. Keep it sparse. Hope this helps.
@@darkredrose7683 it does help. Tysm.❣️Problem is I think he’s both DA and FA, and idk which is the dominant of the 2. Any tips?
@@JustMeAndMyBoy glad to hear that. To helpe understand more, is it a romantic interest?
@@JustMeAndMyBoy As a FA I find DA more avoidant than me, if that makes sense. Pay attention to how much is he willing to open up, this emphasis to the "willing to", because at the end of the day both DA and FA find very difficult and triggering and "unsafe" to open up and we keep our distance instead 😬 and no, it's not your fault. It's we are terrified of showing vulnerability.
@@darkredrose7683 yes romantic relationship, altho in a year’s time we’ve only met up twice, if that helps. Lots and lots of messaging. Hasn’t explained anything about their childhood so far, but did open up recently about a different traumatic event.
I wish they had a dating app for us
Actually it IS because people betray you all throughout life.
i don't believe one should overcome jealousy. Jealousy is an emotion that is telling you something.
All emotions are telling you something
Sometimes jealously is something that lives in your head though. Believe me, I've dated men who got jealous and accused for literally no reason. They were insecure and like that with all their girlfriends.