When being gaslighted makes YOU seem unstable
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They make you think you’ve got a bad memory or like you’re going insane. It’s a really sick game and they enjoy it.
This is definitely what happened to me.
Yes NS, very sick game.
True. It's extremely jarring to realize that they really do derive pleasure from it. My ex once asked me if I played chess. Now I understand why he asked this question. The gaslighting was a strategy of psychological abuse.
Yes and it’s even worse when the golden child joins in and makes you feel even more crazy. My covert narc mom once lied blatantly and at the time I had not healed from being over emotional from being gaslit my whole life so I was so livid and told her that she is blatantly lying and my brother joined in and said “how can you say an older person is lying that is so disrespectful you clearly have an illness” since in my culture (African and Arab) you have to use certain words to tell a person older than you that they are lying which promotes even more narcissism in the culture which is accepted as “respecting elders”
I never said "we're the best you can do" or other hurtful things... no... it's all you... you're doing this to yourself.
Being psychologically destabilized into believing that you are the problem is an extremely traumatic experience that I’m sure many of us share. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
It is. And because I want to be a good person, I tend to take all the "feedback" I get seriously🙄😏😑
Maybe DSM 7 ? Well that’s supposed to be the handbook but there is too much overlapping not strong enough technically substantial.
That's been my life. I almost escaped at one point.
Amen 💜
Oh my God, making me believe I was the problem almost killed me, literally. Those sickos stop at nothing. I left and every time i jave to see him (father of my child ) it takes my life force away and my soul feels sullied. Broke my heart, that sick person.
“They want you to look as unhinged as they feel.”
This really spoke to me.
Yeah baby. Me too.
It’s projection
@@kaseydey4651 💯
This sums it up perfectly. You have to stop valuing their lies/opinions and just focus on staying alive
"This is about manipulating you," they're not listening, so don't defend yourself.
"They want you to look as unhinged as they feel."
^THIS.
This s%$# is unbelievable. This just happened to me 2 weeks ago where I broke off a 5 month situationship.
"They want YOU to look as UNHINGED as THEY feel!"
* Let that "sink" in!
So true! It makes you realize how unstable they are. There was this guy who asked me to a movie, then his friend said at an open mic night that I knew a lot about sexual stuff even though I'm a chaste virgin and it took all my self control not to just punch the bully in the face. This friend of this guy has boasted about being a bully in elementary school, so who knows just how unhinged he is.
It's very true. When my mother aged and was loosing it, she recalled, not me!, when I, as a young adult, would get into it with my sister. She said, I was calmly expressing my thoughts and she thought I was TOO calm. So, she would purposely instigate and make me upset to the point of hysteria so that I could match my sister's upset. Why should I be the calm one, she said. She said that out of her own mouth to me!
Best description and statement for what a narcissist gaslighting is doing to their victim........
Nailed it!!
Let that sink in!! Love it!!!! Let’s not give them the pleasure!
They cruelly erode your trust in yourself. Years can be lost before you understand what's going on.
Can't agree with this more. 👍👍
Im 53 and most of my life is gone and wasted because of this. All i know how to do is survive thats all i know how to do. Its amazing how they can turn it on and off depending on whom they are around.
Don't beat yourself up. If you do understand what is going on, they may be so convinced of the opposite that they keep doing this stuff for a long time anyway and that too can keep your life on hold.
I completely understand that feeling! I have been married to a narc for the last 15 years. I waited until I was 45 to get married and have a partner. I was so happy back then. I do literally EVERYTHING for him and he sits in his office all day with the curtains closed and ignores me. Ignores life. He invalidates my accomplishments. He invalidates or plain just doesn't notice everything I do to keep the house running, cook, clean, pay all the bills, do all the errands that need doing, run a business that he benefits from... all while he sits in his dark office and validates himself by posting his art on Facebook and gobbling up the kudos sent his way and throwing his porn in my face and telling me I'm a prude because I don't like porn..
I happen to think that being an opera singer for 30 years with a major company is a pretty good accomplishment. I played a recording of one of my performances for him when we first met and he point blank told me he didn't like it! He actually gets angry when I want him to watch an opera with me. I gave up. But I think back to that day and wish I had run the opposite way! I feel like I have wasted my best years and now I am 61. I maybe have 20 years left so I plan to do whatever the hell I want and hope he leaves.
@@laurac.9322 Me too ❤
Being gaslighted is probably the most destabilizing thing a person can do to another. I *literally* thought I was going crazy. Such a horrible, horrible person that gaslights others for their own personal gain/amusement/abuse.
Imagine being raised that way. They ruined me. But I won in the end. I have been happy in life anyway. The more I stay away, the better I feel. Now that I have learned about the dynamics of relationships with narcs I realize I was right all along. And knowing they did it on purpose gives me the validation that removes the guilt of leaving them.
I'm sorry, I know your experiences were horrible too. I wasn't competing. It's just that I never got to know myself before the abuse. I don't know how it feels to be sure about anything.
@@70wolfnipplechips41 Oh no I did not think that at all! Unfortunately you & I are in the same club. I’m getting better at spotting it and calling it out on my ex when he does it - and boy does it make him mad! 😂 It feels good to say “stop gaslighting me - it doesn’t work anymore”. Anyways... I hope you have a great day☀️ stay strong 💪🏼
I know. I seaked therapy, asked each of my friends if it's true - suffered so much self doubt. It wasn't until I randomly came across a chat after I was out of the relationship that I could clearly see what he was doing.
@@mitasood3238 When you’re the victim of it, it’s hard to recognize that’s what’s going on. You feel like you’ve lost touch with your own reality
Reactive abuse..😔 When they provoke you to the point where you fall out of character, and end up doing things you normally wouldn’t do. This kind of situation can result in the non narcissist becoming verbally abusive/or even physical. It’s a tactic abusers use in order to be like “See... Your the crazy one Or Maybe you shouldn’t be around the children..” and they WILL use it against you to their advantage in their victim narrative. It’s so frustrating! 🙄
So agreed.
It’s happening to me right now😞 It is the most difficult situation to handle alone.
Maaan this
I'm living this 😪😪
@@coolblondii I’m so Sorry💝 We are all living in Trauma. I didn’t understand that. If you can find not only a Trauma therapist, but a Psychologist as well. I’m also in a “co-parenting w/a narcissistic abuser” group. It’s like a cancer, eating away @ you. I fking Hate these gd people.
Plain and simple everything is your fault. Their abuse, their lies, their double life. It's insanity. There is no love, no empathy, just hurt and pain. No contact is for our best interest.
"No love, no empathy, just hurt and pain." Wow that sums up my 20+ year marriage. Glad to be gone.
Yes no contact is best! Or else we never grow into who we are supposed to be! They rob you of your confidence and your joy,everything that you are!
bcbro That is exactly how I felt. Like I was going to die before I ever had the chance to be me.
- The ‘double life’ - an epiphany expression for me. Thanks.
ABSOLUTELY.
I’ve gotten the I’m too dramatic and I’m too sensitive. The narc makes it look like I’m the one that’s unstable to others but all I’m trying to do is defend myself.
The soundtrack to my youth , “you’re too sensitive.” From my narcmom and gcsister.
I’m learning that you absolutely CAN NOT defend yourself against a narcissist!
@@kathleenwilson5885 so true. You really can’t.
It is easier to handle if you can think of it as the narcissistic "tough outer shell" saying this to their "soft inner core" (that is so flawed in their eyes).
@@kathleenwilson5885 Indifference drives them nuts! That's how I kept my sanity for much of our 21.5 years.
When I realize that the person with whom I am arguing:
a) does not seek to know the truth
b) does not desire to understand my perspective
c) is not interested in a positive resolution, even if it means we simply agree to disagree…
… I’m out ✌🏽
yes! im putting this on my fridge i will see it 3 to 4 times a day now! love this. feeeeel this.
Well done. I wasted waaaaay too much time on that bullshit. So pointless. I actually thought I was helping.
Easy to say if that person is not your dad.
The biggest shock of my life was when my therapist told me that it wasnt my fault. My entire 20 year marriage was a lie.
Are you okay now ?
In relation with what your therapist said, one of the best healing moments for me was when one afternoon out of nowhere I recalled a scene from the movie "Good Will Hunting". Where the Actor Robin Willaims (Who played the therapist) said to Ben Affleck "It's not your fault". And as I said that to myself ,I immediately felt this overwhelming relief because I finally felt safe enough to cry and to give myself permission to actually feel/outwardly express the pain I was forced to hide for pretty much my entire life (had narcissistic mother and codependent Alcoholic father). It tremendously jumpstarted my grieving process that I so desperately needed when I felt orphaned from my entire family at the age of 35 (husband-less, childless, career-less, and full of undeserved toxic shame and guilt. And I am so Grateful to have at least "crossed" the line over to the other side. And that gratitude made it easier to swallow the pill of "It will be a life long healing journey", because it is worth it and I am enough. And I know you also, are enough. You're comment deeply resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.
30 for me! I'm still stuck in it because of kids. Hang in there. Get out if you haven't already. Good luck!
And you have no idea what they are telling other people about you, making you look bad while elevating themselves in the process. They are truly evil beings.
Sadly yes!
Oh yes,they talk ill about me..i was lucky someone told me all Details but know what? They deny and said people are jealous..SMH
My ex did it to me all the time! I had people in my town hating me and didn’t know why until I found out why🙄
He kept on doing it even after I filed for divorce!
YES!!!
I was smeared to everyone and sometimes even in front of me! I was already in such a state of shock and so used to being silenced that I couldn’t speak up for myself at all. Two extremely narcissistic parents who scapegoat you has that effect on you.
It’s even worse when golden child joins in on the gaslighting when dealing with a narcissistic parent because it becomes mobbing. My golden child sibling told me “I have an illness” because they know just what to say to get an emotional reaction out of you. I stopped reacting emotionally by singing songs in my head and doing my breath work not to absorb the gaslighting and I was then called “arrogant” which is much better than being called insane because LOVING myself includes not explaining myself to bullies.
You’re amazing, just the way you are 🎤
@And Be Balanced Im glad you can see the truth though, I thank and love Dr. Ramani so much for saving my true self from Narcissistic abuse and I will do anything to help save others going through the same thing.
Everything you described to me JUST HAPPENED TO ME AS WELL
I was in a bad place and I called my mom just so I could sleepover and spend time with my family. She turned it into something completely different which resulted in an argument and I had to sleep in my truck.
I love this idea
They call you "arrogant", because they want to see you suffer. They want to see an emotional reaction from you, that shows, that you are a suffering. When you don't seem to suffer, it makes them feel, as if they didn't succeed. They have lost in a game, which is in their had. That's why they get angry at you, the winner. They are not good at loosing. So they call you "arrogant". They also try to make you insecure about yourself. Thats how they try to weaken the enemy, which in their had is you. They seem to experience an emotional war.- That's what I think, based on what I seem to know. : ) It's great, that you love yourself.
Yes!
“ I’m not the enemy”
That’s what my mother says when she provokes me into my episodes
"Please practice holding on to your reality..." Write this down on a piece of paper and put it in your wallet or where ever. This is more important than you can possibly imagine.
It doesn't matter if you keep notes won't matter if they are a gang lol
"Your sense of feeling unsettled fosters their sense of power". This is powerful.
Saul Alinsky tactics
so powerful.
Yep
You can also learn to LAUGH about it, once you catch on to these tactics, in hindsight and in spite of everything. Because you can't let anyone else determine who you are and what you think.
That's my n.father..... I remember this from being 5!
When you come back into the room and they ask “have you calmed down now?” As if I’m the crazy one!?!
Yep, this is why i went no contact.
@@crazychristmas100 best way, no contact
God I hate them so much!
Do how do you reply to that?
Yes, I am calmly leaving this relationship, if you can. What if you can't leave? Do you ask what they mean? If I have to speak with one, I hit them with a question.
Absolutely 🥺 this is what they do
I got to where I spoke with no emotion. I responded with,”Whatever you say.” I realized that he only hears himself. He has no intention of trying to understand my side, his sons side, or ANYONES side that does not serve him completely. Now that his sons and I have survived his discard and abandonment, he snaps and says,”Glad you all are so happy now.” He’s so disappointed that his loved ones survived his abuse. It’s chilling.
Wow! This is exactly what my wife is doing.
@@cgrcustoms4791 I’m sorry your going through this. Hang in there. Time heals.
My mother did that so many times to me when I was growing up. I was told I needed counseling, wo I'd go. But the Therapists told me I didn't have a mental illness. It left me very confused. I was a minor so I listened thinking I could always fix something. I never knew what the problem was. And I finally learned that she was toxic. Sad thing to know that my mother was broken. As she got older she got meaner.
I feel this on a deeper level only my mom didn’t believe in therapy and it was a last resort and later on in life she was like thanks to medication you got better and I was like no talking to the therapist got me better I stopped taking that medication. If felt like she was disappointed in me and to this day still says I’m being too delicate when I say I don’t like visiting because I get yelled at and called names. She sees nothing in this type of behavior.
"hold on to your version of reality and truth when someone denies it" (6:50). . . "ultimately the goal of all gaslighting is to get. . . mental control over another person" (7:35). . . "nobody needs evidence for their feelings" (8:36)
Doesn’t get more perfect than that
This can be why a narcissist gets angry, when I am calm. They know calmness as a weapon. That's why they expect others to use calmness as a weapon. In this case it's important for me to know, when I didn't do that. Don't let the narcissist make you believe, that you have bad intentions, when you don't.
Keeping my cool, and responding instead of reacting, reflects the bullsh*t back to the narc and at that point they lose their sh*t and start projecting everywhere.
You’re not paranoid DO NOT question your reality stay firm and strong in what you know and remember even it’s your family,lover,coworker etc DO NOT budge.Stay strong ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Not only the narcissist, it’s the gas-lighters and the enablers. It’s a really painful feeling.
I literally had to record my conversations with the future ex, so i could go back and see what really happened. With emotions running high during a heated moment , your brain works against you into forming rational thought ! Its so painful........
I have had to do that as well.
David
count your blessings that the.monster's mask slipped before marriage and you didn't have her spawn and your life irreparably damaged. You are blessed
T
@@miraclesforus2 i count my blessings everyday, i would much rather be blind sided by a positive outcome, i can always count on being blindsided by a bad outcome😭
I recorded our argument (s).... they were so bizarre I had to make sure I wasn't crazy. They were just exactly as I thought they were. Out of control, going around in circles and never getting anywhere except she got angrier, pulling things in from years ago, throwing things at me that I was not even aware of (she would hold onto things and use them when needed). None of my questions or concerns were ever answered or even acknowledged.... I was so confused at this point I didn't even realize this. Even knowing and seeing all of this, I still feel like I'm losing my mind. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone could be so manipulative and cruel to another human being.
💔
@@Lauravagran i found my self being so blindsided, that as i collected myself as to what just happened , a continous barrage of anger and hypocrisy just flooded my head, having been left standing there dumbfounded, i was expected to take responsibility for actions that i never even commited!
They make you question your own memory or understanding of everything.
BIG TIP if you seek therapy during or after dealing with a narc...know that if you use insurance to cover therapy the therapist has to essentially diagnose you with something in order for insurance to cover treatment. I did not know this and was essentially double gaslighted because of this backwards set up in healthcare. Also important to know if you consider having your mental health counselor be an expert witness. You won’t believe it will get to the point of litigation but once you try to leave or actually leave some narcs will go to great lengths to hoover you in even if it’s by a lawsuit or going back on anything they promised. Always bring a trusted friend to retrieve belongings and who would be willing to testify on what they witness. I did this alone and was attacked and threatened just trying to get some clothes. They wanted me to react and put me into a trap. Couldn’t even get my belongings. Document everything.
Basically gives your spouse the upperhand since hes not openly diagnosed and as a narcissist is great liar.
I can't find a therapist who specializes in narcissistic behavior.
My narc showed up at the door 'with out notice,' with a police officer to retrieve some things, he stole my medications and removed his Spyware equipment of me.
P.O. removed an intoxicated man with a gun, and then is buddy-buddy in a few days with him. Oh Lord, help me.
This seriously saved my life this morning. I wish I could express how much this helps people with narcissistic parents.
For years I thought I had a bad memory, that I maybe really was “imagining things” I saw clearly and plainly. Now, I realize most of what I heard was a calculated endeavor to keep me constantly off balance from the first gaslight 20 years ago. I believe even the things I witnessed with my own eyes were part of the plan. Do and Deny, nothing quite throws you off balance.
the "imagining things" or "hearing things" is a classic
So recognizable 🙏
Same. My dad tried to set up a psychotherapist because he was asking advice from his sister. Guess what. When I confronted him the with the reasons I'd rather see a psychotherapist, he decided to cancel. The whole "what problem? you're crazy. problematic. imagining things." comes to light with the true intentions of gaslighting.
How exhausting it is to continually defend one's truth in the face of constant gaslighting. Holding on to one's truths seems to be the most important thing one can do, apart from leaving the situation.
A total WASTE of precious time & energy. IT IS NOT MY JOB to constantly be on guard, defensive.
While they speak of "love".
Poor pitiful things dont have a clue on how to have their own strength WITHOUT putting others down.
Narcissists seem to like to call empaths psychopaths, once you detach.
They are always trying to stir shit up
I still remember the slight curl of the mouth trying not to smile when I defended myself. Crazy stuff...but my ex never raised his voice at me. Instead, he looked away when I spoke and refused to look at me or he walked away and gave me the silent treatment. I reacted and then he called me boarderline. I was so suicidal by the time he left me and was cheating on me with another gal...telling her he had been divorced for four months while he still lived with me and we were married. Now six months later I am just barely starting to heal.
Good riddance to him. Hope he gets his come uppance.
My first husband used this technique to take my daughter away from me. That was 21 years ago and I didn't understand what was happening. I kept saying, "How can I get everyone to SEE him for what he is? IS he really what I think he is? Am I the crazy person? Maybe he is right, I am an unfit mother.." It was the worst experience of my life.
People on the outside of these relationships have no idea how painful and isolating it is to have absolutely NO ONE who understands and no one to talk to.
Hugs
@@ednasmith4545 thank you 🥰
How do you overcome it?
@@jakepeterson1961 I had to walk away from it all and start brand new again. Eventually, my daughter came to live with me full time. She is an adult now and purchased her home to be close to me and far away from him. I am STILL working through the pain of that relationship.
I understand. Been years in it. Awful. Scary
Yeah... They act all pompous once you "lose it" Actually, there comes a time
when you "know the drill" and don't care anymore. Hopefully, they'll discard
you and then you have a chance at a life with peace and harmony. All the things
mentioned is very serious and mentally debilitating, and I have survived this.
Huge kudos for you surviving! We are many people whose been through it and learnt to live with the consequences of it. Sadly all emotional, monetary and physical damage will not be admitted by the one (or more) people done it. I guess we have to settle for that we now have a chance to a better life.
...yes, funny how we learn the drill.
Unbelievable that they all seem to operate from exactly the same playbook. It was only a couple of years ago I found that the particular brand of mistreatment I was subjected to is, sadly, all too common 😢
This one rocked me to my core, this was my childhood. I was always in trouble for what my mother "heard'. It would get so bad that I would get hysterical and then the physical abuse was on. But as you said my mother was calm. But the constant message was that I was mentally unstable.
I had forgotten, if that can be said, until my mother reminded me a year ago of what a difficult child I was and how I had anger issues that I took out on her. Telling me that in my 50s was so irrelevant it was unbelievable, but it served to bring back the trauma that I'm struggling with more than anything I've ever had before.
I had the same exact thing my mother and my oldest sister the golden child gaslighting me every single time we had any type of communication between each other one Christmas we got into a war of the pastries because they didn’t like the pastries that I bought meanwhile it was Covid and a lot of the bakery shops were closed to imagine that
It must be so difficult for you to talk about this every day, Dr. Ramani. Please take good care of yourself. Thank you so much.
My father use to do that to my step mother until I realized he did it to me myself. He waits until everyone else is around to push that finally button after quietly pokin at a button no one sees
same. so same. where i'm at with this too.
Don't take the bait.
“They want you to look as unhinged as They feel.” Yup
So freaking true
Gaslighting is very insidious. Once I realized I was being gaslighted - I simply stopped reacting. I realized that what is real is unshakeable - and therefore I do not need to explain my side of things.
Had 2 exs that would do this. I would talk calmly and they would continue to talk in circles not trying to have a conversation. This would be a merrygoround for 30 mins straight. When I finally lose my cool they would instantly calm down. Like it made their day I would finally have my emotions in tact. People can be so cruel
Even when you show them screenshots or other indisputable proof they still won’t give into acknowledge they are lying and the scary part is at least with the one I was dealing with he still seemed to genuinely believe his revision of history like I really honestly believe he didn’t know he lied all the time, his lies/ re writing of history was true to him .
So true. Rewriting history, and it's like how can you even align this idea with them. It conflicts on their sense of identity that they were the "hero." or whatever they have in their mind. It's all lying.
That's true, the deny is too strong, they can"t accept their own behaviour so they try to avoid the reality.
I got proove that my mom went into my personnal stuff in my room and i show her picture that proove it, she still deny it. I am a very logical person and i dont spread false accusation. Then i am call as a paranoid person ...
It uselelly happend that when someone you deny his behaviour, he project himself on the other person.
Few days ago she accuses me or my brother to have stolen 3000 Euros and familly jewelry with no proove. Who is the real paranoid now?
Also i keep been calm and self control and i hate when someone expect from you, to engage on the same emotionnal/angry level that his.
Specialy in public when you hate your angry girlfriend that make a scene in front of people or friends. It happend to me and i didnt want to over react because i didnt know why she was angry at me ( litterally ) then i follow her in the street because i got hurried by a friend. I didnt want to do it but i did under pressure from him . ( few month later they got an affair and they both detrayed me ) .I don't know if its cool to not react but i cant handle baby reaction and the next time it happend i wont follow. ( i try to communicate and understand her i didnt deny her feeling, at the end i had to leave the bar because she threat to destroy my stuff ). The moralitty is that i now react to the way i think, and it is a mistake then i will from learn, be align with yourself.
Sorry i just like to share funny story from the past !
Yep. My gaslighter even stalked my Facebook page (when I used it) because I posted screenshots of the abuse that was happening to me. I didn't even post names, just the screenshots. This gaslighting person decided they were going to call the police on me because they said that *I* threw up many red flags.... uh, I think stalking someone's Facebook page and slandering that person with illegally obtained (not to mention false) allegations is the biggest red flag of them all, ya know? Pretty sure my gaslighter was upset because they knew THEY were the one doing these things to me and didn't like their guilty conscience.
Sounds like my father & ex
They definitely believe their own lies. It's pathetic. He would tell and probably still tells people that I was "unsafe" to be with. Pfft. The thing that he was "unsafe" with was the truth. And they are the worst liars but think they are so much more intelligent and clever than everyone else.
That's the control!!! Believe in yourself. I spent 35 years being gaslighted. Took 5 years to break away. I know who I am and I'm better without him and all the friends that believes his lies.
You definitely are! So much better. You are strong and amazing. Thank you for sharing with us.
I have a human being under this roof for that reason I can not leave. 2021 am more relaxed and calm after subscribing to Dr. Ramani 🙏🏾
I’m ashamed to say I allowed a toxic workplace to destabilize me. The gaslighting started subtle but escalated over a period of 18 months. I ended up making uncharacteristic errors.
Was let go last week. Although humiliating, I’m actually relieved to be out of that situation. I can breathe again and now have a clarity that’s been missing.
He was calm, cool, and psychopathic for sure! He would thrive on making everyone else feel like they are not worthy. He would keep needling me again and again until I would react. I can’t believe that jerk made me feel like I’m not good enough. I’m finally narcissist-free now, and my anxiety is mostly gone now. I’m trying to build myself back up, and I am seeing myself in a new light now.
This is particularly difficult for the truth tellers of the family. Gaslighting is very debilitating for those personality types. We are the ones who resort to recording, videotaping, screenshots etc. They then label you the toxic person or tell you to control your emotions. This was THE WORST part about my Narcissistic abuse. Holding on to the truth for dear life finally drove the nail into the coffin of my marriage.
Oh boy do I agree. And you try and try until you can't anymore!
The character of the peacekeeper/truthteller is the first to be assassinated.
After that, the reign of *error* proceeds unchallenged.
Stay strong 💪
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 Reign of error 🤣🤣😅 Yes... that's exactly what those errorists do... Thank you
Absolutely. You are then “toxic” for pointing out when they lie with evidence 🤦
Other people's pain is their Prozac.
💯
Agree
This has happened with my family members and doctors. They have gaslighted me to the point of putting my life in danger and then acted like there was something wrong with me for my reactions, when in reality I never had those reactions prior to their abuse.
Me too. They can’t even do their follow up appointments properly I have to reach out to them and call them otherwise I would my appointments. I’m over the health system and diagnoses they give you acting as if they know what goes on in your mind or your past trauma. I had them write my sexual abuse as a kid “allegedly” in documents how disgusting to a victim of childhood incest abuse. Grow up and leave me alone
And “Why are you so angry?” or “Why are you so mad?” 🤦🏾♀️They will drive you crazy with blame games and projections when in fact, we already know who and what is the real problem.
I've just gotten to where I respond by saying " you are a liar" " that's untrue and you know it" and " I do not have to explain or prove a damn thing to you" and then I remove myself from their presence. Then I focus on the truth about me. I want to constantly shake off the crap they throw toward me. My family and 1 other. I dont care what they think and I dont get why they want to ask me questions and such for help when they say such hateful crap to me. I've gotten to the point to where I say " you will have to find someone else to help you with that" and " sorry I cant help you with that". It is depressing at times dealing with it cause I cant totally get away from them yet. But, I've decided I'm going to do me my way.
Sometimes we have to be just as cold as they are, to protect ourselves, huh?
This is literally what I grew up in with a narcissistic mother and sister. My sister especially would rile me right up and the minute I raised my voice to defend myself, she would become calm and totally collected to coldly respond with "Wow... look at you. You're crazy." 💔
Absolutely heartbreaking
Had this done to me by now X terrible how someone can do and say those things to you 😢
my narc cousin had a very cold response to me standing up for myself '' i will not engage in conversation with you when you are in this state of mind '' she sounded like a robot cold as ice i made a scene according to her and was '' unhinged '' she moved in during the lock down
What a cnt. Sorry,, but that is Disgusting!! I think I didn’t realize until now that my sister is a Narcissist!! It’s always me “fighting” with people etc., it’s Never cause she’s an asshole!!
My sympathies are with you. I have a sister that has said some of the same things. I would find a way to either move out or get out of a living situation with your cousin. They sound narcissistic and sociopathic. You cannot engage with people like that in the long term. They are a liability.
I’m am sick to the teeth of having conversations turn into arguments. When I show any evidence of standing up for myself and personal beliefs, I am told to calm down, mocked and made fun of. When a narcissist can not control your reality, they revert to these tactics. I’m done. I’ll not be made out to be any type of way EVER AGAIN. The only way to win the game is to NOT play. No more will I be available for this delusional hell realm they insist on living in. Be gone narc! Think whatever you need to satisfy your sick desperation for control 💥👏
Thank you for this. I was devalued, gaslighted and stonewalled, then called lazy and lacking confidence. I was told I was overreacting when I expressed my emotional need. I thought I was being selfish and unempathetic. I became silent and lost myself. I was stuck until I saw a therapist who helped me reframe my thoughts and build resilience. I don't think the people even realised what they were doing.
This one is a tough subject, because it's human nature to react when someone accuses you of something that isn't true or skews a half truth to look like the whole truth and you scramble to prove them wrong. It really requires incredible maturity and awareness to spot this on the very first attempt and very quick thinking to counter act it. This one really is a dreaded situation to be in, even worse is how the narcissistic person has possibly planned ahead, knows what you might use to defend yourself in your agitated state and then turns that against you as well. I've had this happen to me and I handled it so very poorly. What I had to learn and remember, is that the person doing this isn't out to actually make a point, they're just out to sabotage you, they want to ruin you by poisoning the minds of those who support you because they are envious of that support, the best thing you can do... No Contact.
So true. If I could remember back 2 weeks ago, I knew it was on purpose to sabotage because I'd said "I'll tell what's going on." No one would side with you, he said. That was my dad by the way. A lot of details, but before that he gave me a smirk when he though he was prepared deadass.
This is so true, and when you defend yourself they say “see it’s true otherwise you wouldn’t get so defensive” with a smirk on their face knowing they have just cornered you & you realise no matter how you react you have proven their point on whatever they have falsely accused you of. You even up being so frustrated & reactive & they just sit back calmly & smirk accusing you of being so uncivil & they are not argumentative people. You literally feel like you’re living in ‘upside land’ with these people.
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one. It's traumatic being gaslighted to an extent where they planned it and pick your weaknesses and use it against you.
I immediately defended myself, but I wish I did no contact instead. It was a waste of energy and time because that person will never change their mind. They have no empathy at all.
@@jasonvi2 so true, there’s no point & it’s such a waste of precious mental energy defending yourself to these heartless people, they have no idea what empathy is. Their reality of the situation is completely warped. And they prey on good hearted people who are vulnerable. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Learn the 5 Mississippi rule:
When your discernment tells u a person is about to gaslight you...
Count in your head,
1- Mississippi
2- Mississippi
3- Mississippi
4- Mississippi
5- Mississippi
Breath, walk away. If they come back, say
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
great advice..thankyou 🙏❤☮
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is itself an invalidation sentence and can send the narcissist into a rage.
My older sister has been doing this for as long as I can remember.
The worst is when, at the beginning of the relationship, they ask you all of your life and trauma. Then they use that against you later and gaslight you.
Yep...bottom of the barrel stuff
After leaving a 20 year marriage to a narc, and educated myself about narcissism, I had a short relationship with a far more malignant narc. One evening he yelled at me for 20 minutes straight, I said one short thing back, maybe 5 words. I wasn't even upset, because I was seeing the patterns. He accused me of loving to debate and being unable to shut up and that I wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise and getting too worked up. In my head, I laughed, because I could see the manipulation so clearly. I thank god for that short relationship.
With my 20 year marriage, I remember almost nothing. Same with my mother. That is something I would love to see a video about.
Yes, I've blocked out much of what happened during my 20+ year marriage. It's probably better that way, but I am sad I lost so many memories of being with my children.
Classic Narc Projection -
A R
I hear you
They accuse you of what they are Guilty of themselves
Pointing ☝️ the finger on you
Blame shaming you for their behaviours
Yes, that’s called “shadow projection”.
@@phoenixrising8007 Think of it this way, when one finger points at you, four are pointing back at themselves, whether they realize it or not.
@@beadingbusily
So true,
Too bad narcs are blinded and unable to see this
"...a significant part of the gaslighting process, is to leave you DOUBTING yourself!"
I listen to this channel every day as affirmation. I’ve been through two narcissistic marriages. The last one ended 6 years ago and I have learned my lesson! I found a nice man who treats me with respect and kindness (going on 5 years). PLEASE DO NOT STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT BENEFITING YOU!!! If you want support, Dr. Ramani’s channel is a safe place. ❤️
Bullies in grade school do this to their victims too. They can spend days and weeks tormenting their target, but the moment the victim reacts in any way they fall to the ground screaming and writhing like they have been mortally wounded. That is when bystanders take notice of the victim who now appears to be standing over the bully they apparently attacked out of the blue.
When you get sick of the games they turn into needy clingy people that threaten to “kill themselves” then a whole new game begins . Dont play the game !
After 27 years of this crap I knew I was done. When I said that I wanted a separation, he said, “If we separate I’ll kill myself.” To which I replied, “Then I guess you want a divorce.” I filed and it was done in 2008. 3 years later he remarried. I have not.
They threaten to kill their egos they mean
Be careful with this one... sometimes being gaslighted and sabotaged can lead someone to feel that way as well...
my dad ALWAYS threatened to kill himself if I didn't give him 100% of my time when he visited...even on my son's birthday...finally at almost midnight I cut him off to ask my kid how his birthday went and my dad piped up he might as well go kill himself since no one cared about him.....guess who grew up thinking you HAD to harm yourself to show others you are upset? I was a cutter for over 30 years cause of that role modeling :( therapy helped me stop that finally in 2014
Me: “make sure you don’t get blood on the carpet!” 💅🏽
I think the effects of gaslighting is what makes the victims to believe they are the narcissist. It is easy to call someone a narcissist when you face their rage or paranoia but how is it when the person who defends him or herself and has paranoia is the victim and not the narcissist? When you see it from the exterior it is difficult to tell who is who and it is that, the narcissist use to accuse the victims in front of others making the victims feel the problem comes from them. You need a strong level of self confidence and self awareness to not fall into this trap or hence the narcissist will use your reaction against you to guilt trip you and make you feel as if there is a problem with you without strong inner confidence you can easily believe them.
For along period of time , I thought I was alone, I did not know how to explain to anyone what was going on, when I did they always seemed like they were siding with that person, or that I was crazy , among many other things. I thought it was me who was wrong. These videos have helped me understand things, they literally explain everything that I went through. I never knew this many people have gone through the same thing. Thank you for these lessons!
Yes, exactly. Describes it perfectly. I’m still working on not feeling dumb for not seeing the pattern much earlier. The narcissist kept saying that I had so many issues, and that I really needed help. So, I did go to therapy. Big mistake- for the narcissist. Very educational for me. So many things became clear, including the fact that I was being abused by the narcissist’s behaviours. I learned about narcissistic supply, about masterful manipulation, all the things that Dr. Ramani talks about. I made a plan (without discussing it with the narcissist; it was clear that would be useless), and within months, I got out. I was scared, but determined. The first thing I noticed on my first morning on my own was the peace. The lack of stress, and no eggshells to worry about. Incredible. Over twenty years of narcissistic abuse has left me with lots of learning to do- but I’m loving it.
Dr. Ramani does anyone ever ask you how you are doing?
I want to ask you how are you doing these days?
Are you getting the rest you need and taking care of yourself?
Yes... yes. Thank you for this.
Yes, I wanted to ask Doctor the same thing. Hope you are doing well Doctor.
I wondered too. ❤️
Within 4 minutes of this video, I was bawling like a baby. I knew what I had experienced, but I didn't think anyone would ever believe me. You just explained it EXACTLY; to a T. Almost word for word; like you were there.
Holy crap this can’t be more spot on. Thank you for this.
You hit the nail on the head once again, Dr. Ramani. But what's worst is when other people fall for it and agree that the victim is the problem, or even become hostile and antagonistic toward her/him. I've seen this pattern quite a few times. The question of why so many other people are so quick to hate and join a mob-like attack on the victim fascinates me, in a morbid, repulsed sort of way. Even the word "victim" has become more despised and resented than the words "victimizer/criminal/villain." People are almost embarrassed to be identified as such, and often try to squirm out from under the term. What's behind this phenomenon? Or behind its pieces, since I guess it's quite complex? Is the "mob" also a pack of narcissists? Personally, I believe there's something spiritual going on there, but it would be very helpful to understand the psychology behind it. In my opinion, the quick-to-hate-and-attack mob is just as dangerous as the narcissist who initiated the gaslighting, but in my experience, the mob members don't operate like narcissists on their own. There's some kind of deep, deep resentment in them toward something in the victim. The mob members also spout all the gaslighting/enabling phrases you've mentioned, too. And I'm not talking about the ones who just go along with the crowd, either; there's an ardor behind the resentment I'm talking about. It's unholy.
The most successful response with my ex became "If you say so". It drove him nuts, because not only was I not giving him the emotional response he wanted, but I also wasn't giving him the open door for argument.
I experienced it everyday almost. My narc is a narcissistic psychopath.
You’re safe here, my Dear
My ex husband is, too. I became suicidal. So glad he is gone
Same. The worst
Thank you Dr Ramani. Hearing you describe the"chronically defending yourself" and "the agitation (of the abused) gives the feeling of power (to the abuser)" gives words to the way we feel and need to be able to express the abuse ourselves. Grateful for your channel. 🙏
Spot-on message, yet again. It's the theme behind so many nightmares and flashbacks, the fear of not being believed or fear for simply existing as the truth-teller. Thank you for emphasizing the importance of not having to provide evidence for an emotion, as that can keep one stuck in rumination, confusion, mistrust, and paranoia. God bless you.
Holding on to one's truth...while everyone around the toxic person cater's, covers the crazy. My unshakable stablity- my superpower. I question, I've been tested by siblings, in-laws, coworkers. Crazies punish. The people who say, "oh that's just how she acts- equally as nuts.
Makayla to.enable.evil puts you in a worse category than the abuser. Yes you are right
‘They want you to look as unhinged as they feel’ - Dr Ramani truthbomb.
One of the first questions of 12 step recovery is ;" when I first picked up what was I trying to avoid or escape?". My answer "My family". My truth is that I dont relapse then lose everything and become unmanageable, I'd relapse to escape the the unmanageability of being gaslighted and psychologically abused. I didn't understand why my family were doing it. It couldn't be for nothing. But now I know about the money part it makes perfect sense and I'm grateful to my higher power for showing me this and why no matter what job I left or relationship I was in that ended quicker then it started it was them, my family were the ones calling up work freinds and bosses and partners giving them a narrative such as I was a drug addict (a family member is police) so they would go as far as flashing the badge and stating to girlfriends I was under investigation for a serious crime etc etc. The hard part now I find is with God and trying to comprehend why people are this evil....
This was the core of how the depression and feelings of worthlessness arose and why it is so hard to explain. She would deliver superficial statements of support ("I'd never say anything to hurt you") while at the same time laying a string of constant accusations ("you won't do anything unless it benefits you") that indicated I was a horribly toxic person who was only ever a burden to anyone. Gaslighting and projecting that was just too extreme and constant to even begin to contradict. Eventuality I had to believe that at least a small percentage of it MUST have been true or there wouldn't be so much of it. And once that downward slide began, there was no pulling out of it. Not without help.
I'm sorry that happened to you ❤️
My narcissistic ex ended the relationship at the end of January. After dumping me, he went and made up stories about me to his friends, claiming me to be someone controlling and not allowing him freedom. He even told me that the ending of the relationship was mostly my fault. If I say something that he doesn't like, either I was using a tone he didn't like, or my word choices were not to his liking, he would accuse me of being manipulative and that I always want to start a fight. He would attempt to force me to agree with him. And if I don't, he'll throw a tantrum or cry and tell me that all I want to do is argue with him. To this day, his friends still think he's a compassionate person, and see me as the instigator to his actions. I'm still trying to remind myself that one day I'm going to heal from the abuse and trauma he caused.
Snowcherryful my X done the same told people I was bossy and controlling and he had enough 😂 other way around.
Exactly my story. He's literally ruined my reputation and he's glorified himself into some victim
@@The123eyecandy I'm sorry this happened to you. Since I last posted my comment, I've learned to be independent financially. I'm more aware of the red flags when dating, and slowly gaining the confidence to say 'No thank you,' and walk away. Sometimes living your best life is the best revenge. It may take some time. But you can prove to yourself that you can create a better life without your ex.
This is exactly my narc says to me . If I say anything he doesn’t interested to do , then my tone is not good or if I am not submissive enough to do whatever his decisions to do if it’s good or bad for the family . Basically you can’t win any arguments .
Which exactly infuriates me and trying to be defending myself and if I front of others he is calm and cool and I am very agitated knowing he is telling big fat lies about me . Omg I am realizing all this time he was manipulating me !
Same story! Thanks for sharing!
Being the Scapegoat for the Head Narcissist, and he then taught our children to tattle tale on me, if anyone saw me READING BOOKS...He would say "You're mother is not allowed to read books anymore." I was reading a book about emotional/psychological abuse....oh lord, that angered him so badly.
Yep. Me too. So angry when I underlined information in a book about abuse. Another no-no: writing things down that he said in a journal (literally ripped the pages out). Apparently, him saying hateful, vile things was fine, but me writing them down was bad. So ridiculous.
The thing is they don't know when is over or being discarded. Narcissists think they own you or you are too stupid to walk away. Dr. Romani's videos are the best therapy I ever had. Thanks.
Wow. I went my whole life thinking I was the family problem & doubted my feelings constantly until I started therapy at 18 and realized my reality was so distorted. My mom is a total narcissist and my two enabling sisters added flame to fire and still do.. the mob behavior and triangulation was hell.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for educating us about the dangerous manipulation...
Super informative description . My thanks! It helped me get clearer about a sibling relationship that I have known 4 decades was unhealthy.
Yup! I had adopted that person’s view point of me.
Your description of the NARC’s discomfort also gave me insights about the decades of our unhealthy exchanges & empathy for the pattern we unknowingly built between us.
I have hope, 4 the 1st time in decades, My longstanding intent of peace between us has a sliver of light in that path. At least I am aware of how I’ve let my chains get yanked.
I never considered that sibling to be a NARC & it may be that some (not all)of their behaviors fall into NARC mindset.
Hopefully this sibling is willing to shift a bit of their behavior.
I have the desire to grow my discipline to create my new patterns of calmer interaction & non-REactions!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I wish I could articulate how much your understanding of these toxic relationships mean to me. I just try to take one day at a time and hope I can one day be free from this..in this life. ☺
I’m a borderline locked in a VERY abusive narcissistic relationship and this is my biggest issue. For a long time, too long, he could trigger my borderline reactions and make even me feel like the problem. I made it easy for him to paint himself as the wronged party, poor him, he has to deal with THAT. Well, now that I DONT react he comes harder. And it’s showing who HE is. I just hope it’s enough to keep my kids safe....
What if you don't really have borderline personality disorder? What if it's just cptsd rearing its ugly head
@@redtigerlily8165 it’s possible, I was diagnosed YOUNG as in late teens, but I also suffered emotional neglect as a child and was the scapegoat for my entire family who would say things like “Why do you always try to be so different” when I wasn’t one of them. Either way I unfortunately present like a borderline and it has made for a very difficult life and a TON of isolation by choice so I don’t rain my bullshit on other people....
@@MM-zs7rp wow same here and i don't know if i have bpd but i have a lot of the symptoms, what makes me think i have it is my feelings towards people i have been interested in i do a lot of idolizing of them and then can switch to jealously and skepticism about them
I can feel the way his gaslighting has made me feel just by listening to this! 😳
Same, this video was very triggering as Dr R described the process exactly. Best thing to do is to not react and remove yourself from the situation. My ex husband still gas lights me via his lawyer but I've learnt to ignore it and not even reply but focus on my truth and refuse to give in. But honestly, I can't wait for the day my divorce is finalised
My brother used to tell me you probably dreamed it, about things I said that happened in the past, with a laughter, and I was freaking out every time.... I feel so sorry for the child I was now when understanding all the emotional abuse I went through....
OMFG. This is my LIFE with my mother. This happened for the past 3 years and is still happening to me with my mother, who changed out of nowhere after we moved and started living just by the two of us. She would gaslight me, become very calm, and double down with her gaslighting or give a logical framing of her gaslighting/accusation if I were to get heated and explain what she says and what actually happened don't match up. She has been doing this daily and now I have serious issues trusting what I hear or see all the time. I used to be a grounded, emotionally regulated person, who could think things through and articulate thoroughly when conflicts arose, but, now I am very dysregulated and easily get panic attacks when faced with a quarrel especially if it involves gaslighting. You are the first person I see who points out this tactic/manipulation this detailed. Dr. Ramani, you are saving my sanity and emotional health. I feel so seen and understood. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
This is exactly how I felt all of the time and I became the dysregulated, angry, anxious, depressed person who felt so crazy and was constantly in this tornado of gaslighting. She would get calm and I would want to rip my own hair out trying to defend myself and my reality.
Being gaslighted is the worst feeling ever. It makes you feel crazy. I was so confused that I started writing damn on my phone his exact words running it in my head over and over.
I wish I had kept notes longer than I did. I only kept solid notes for the last 2 years of our 21.5 yrs.
Omg, same here. The amount of energy we waste trying to understand them and figure it out is unbelievable! I'm finally going Grey rock & working on aiming my energy elsewhere. Not always easy, especially if you can't leave.
Thank you! My npd sister has been trying to gaslight me very much lately......this information gives me soo much more confidence 🎁
You truly are a lovely person...your caring nature shines through. Thank you for being there for us. 💕💖
Yup. I found that just shutting up and quietly digging my heels in has some pretty immediate benefits.
The person doing the gaslighting then gets more frantic till they hurt other people in the fallout.
Then the game is exposed, and I get to go home.
It's rough and painful, but the only way out is through.
This was so accurate that it made me feel sick listening as it was like I was back in my daily life of my marriage again.
Now I understand why I hate face to face or phone call confrontation. Text or email confrontation creates proof. I guess I’m glad I learned that. 🤷♀️
Such people should be ignored. They are very sick. It is disgusting what they are doing.
My Mother will always gaslight me regarding money.
Same my parents sued an entire school because I was “bullied” then my parents didn’t support me when I was older but stole all that money and my dad claimed my 401k without my knowledge! It’s disgusting! I moved out after my mom tried to say I was “fucking them over” for not paying them $600 rent one month when my siblings haven’t paid a dime!
My mother opened a letter from my bank with my name at the envelope. I was at home with her; she knew she was the only one who could possilby open the letter. Maybe she thought about throwing it after reading it but later on she thought I was going to miss it so she just left it opened and when I asked who did it she just said "I didn´t" and silence. She has never given any importance to the lies she tells me. It is natural for her and it is useless if I complain.
About money, I remember some years ago that my brother and I bought together a present for my sister's birthday. He insisted on paying the whole price, I said "no" some times because I knew he was going to make some mess about it, but he insisted so much that I agreed. Two years after, on Christmas, he remembered me that he paid (maybe 20 euros) for my participation on that present. At that time I didn't know about narcissism, I just noticed strange things in my family and described my brother as "no elegant", meaning attitude and no clothes. Nowadays I clearly see how he is, everything fits: how he uses his wife, his gaslight, his control, his boredom, his insecurities, his appearance,......
My mom would just keep pushing my buttons about her MLM businesses when the whole reason we got into such a bad place with money was with MONEY. Thinking like I'm some customer...
It is a nasty game, that they play many times
Thankyou Dr Ramani ❤
I've been gaslighted by some family members over 20 years and "just recently" found out they stole $400,000 (my compensation for an accident) 20 years ago! Makes sense now.
For me this is your best video yet! I lived with this for 25 years...it’s always a got ya moment for them. Wow!
Narcissists and their gaslighting destroyed my life. I lost everything. Haven't worked in five years and filing for disability because I am unemployable.
After the last bout, I had to find out why I was a magnet for these people. Turns out, Autism and Major Depressive Disorder were the culprits. These days, I'm more careful when it comes to dealing with people and interacting online. I just got back online after having no social networking for over five years. It's practice for the real world, should I ever leave my apartment again. Chances of that are slim.
Sympathies extended.
Yes any sort of vulnerability disability health issues ETC are exploited by the narcissist with absolutely no empathy. It does get to the point where one feels that they cannot trust anyone. Interactions with these untrustworthy people leave us further and further in the hole. And they could care less
You can meet new people just set boundaries and take your time