Something worse than not having anyone to protect you when you're a child, is someone there who turns the other way. It teaches you no one will intervene to help you.
You described my childhood. It was bad enough having a narc. father who was abusive. My sibling made it so much worse by constantly setting me up for trouble so she could get attention.
Narcissists never appreciate others and see an ulterior motive in whatever others do They are by nature thankless. They have a sense of entitlement They get joy by hurting others They cant stand anyone being better than them in anyway They are deeply deeply insecure Their eyes show no emotions
I understand and hear you. There are a lot of good people in the world 🌎 who went to my church ⛪️ and helped me along the way. Maybe you can find some too.
they mock, humiliate, degrade, belittle, have contempt for..., dehumanize with their behaviors..., betray, cheat, lie, use you for supply of their ego-needs, insult you in front of others, constantly shame you, you are constantly walking on eggshells...
At age 62 the mom was still badgering me about something I did she felt was a mistake in HIGH SCHOOL! Mind you, the dad had committed suicide two years earlier…guess I was supposed to get over it…like she did.
@pseudopuppy160 We got used to the abuse. It was a cycle (they gave the poison, and then the cure.) We miss the cure/ the love bombing stage. We ruminate in the lie(the off happy days) that was our life. I left my husband after 12 years of marriage and 3 small kids later. There are obviously still emotional ties there.
You are missing a fake persona that was invented so they could use you to meet THEIR needs. That person wasn't real. It was a con. You saw the REAL person in his anger and selfish behavior. A Narc is a very emotionally damaged person. They pretend to be ok. 😢❤
I am 75 and just now realizing how narcissism (from toxic family, and several marriages), has held me back at work and in relationships. Your podcasts have been a lifeline to me. It’s never too late to find peace.
Please. Can you give advice? I'm 34 and I really want to learn experiences. What would you have done differently if you can go back? Or what would you say to your younger self?
Relationships are phases in our life.Once it's over those partners have played their role in your life.Its over .Learn from it and move on. @lorainebatchelor9331
Wow your awesome! I'm just learning about this stuff after 7 years in a horrible relationship and I didn't know what the problem was till I started learning about this stuff. I just turned 54 and hope I never go through something like this again! This has been the biggest love scam of my life. 😮
@@KDrop84 I’m So Incredibly Sorry They Are Everywhere I Was Destroyed Through A Malignant Overt Narcissist He Destroyed My Health And My Mental Health. Narcissistic abuse is Brutal….
"You can't win." Exactly. "They are looking for a fight." Precisely. Once she's in rage mode all I can do is greyrock. Because EVERYTHING I say will only escalate.
That's the'trap', then we spend hours days weeks in cognitive dissonance and confusion, in the meantime they've "forgotten ' the issue and if you bring it up brace yourself for the contempt,disdain eye rolling and you're too sensitive!
I finally am free of my narcissists - mom died, husband divorced me 😊, I retired and the bully at work does not have access to me and I set very strong boundaries with my step-son. I feel so free with no gaslighting. I am enough!
You dont even need to make a mistake, or do something wrong. Even if you do NOTHING wrong, they will manufacture something anyway, thusly making it IMPOSSIBLE to avoid trouble.
When my grandson was 5 years old, I forgot something I had told him and he had a meltdown screaming that I was a liar. In the midst of this, one of his parents, in a round about way accused him of trying to tear the family apart. He screamed back, "I'm not trying to tear the family apart". I finally realized the mistake I made and went to him and apologized profusely. Then the parent accused him of taking advantage of me. That poor little child heard these things since he was a toddler. He is 11 now and every chance I get I tell him what a great kid he is and I'm so proud of him. Once when he was a few years younger, I was hugging him and he tried to pull away a little. I held him closer and whispered in his ear, "I'm going to hug you till you feel all the love I have for you." In that instant, his whole body relaxed. I always hope he grows up knowing that he is not a bad person. I also hope I'll still be around when he graduates high school.
Thank you so much! This about made me want to cry. Hearing disability runs in my family. Me, my son, and grandson. My mother is a narcissist. I went no contact 3 years ago. I still struggle to get my head right and take care of myself with my family. My son is likely a narcissist. He was the golden child. My grandson is my love. His hearing is worse. He was born with a cleft, and his speech is difficult. I would do anything for him. I am so thankful that your grandson has you!! Please be there whenever you can. 🫶🏼
That’s how my parents were. Accusing at such a young age. No matter who else was involved or what happened I was always accused as the problem. Nothing has changed in 60 years.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Your grand baby is so fortunate to have you. Keep loving on that boy. I spent years of my childhood and young adult life trying to figure out why my mother hated me so much and treated me so badly, until I finally came to the realization that it had very little to do with me and that she has her own demons she's struggling with. I never had anyone advocate for me. You very well could be your grandson's saving grace. Hopefully he is able to recognize his worth early on.
@@victoriavollam5742’m so sorry ! I know how much it hurts but I’m glad you realize it’s them not you. It still hurts I know. My brother I’m just realizing after watching this is a narcissist and has so much contempt and hate for me all my life. I’m almost 50 he’s 50 and still he makes fun of me in front of my nieces and my sibling to still dominate me. And if I object and call him out he laughs and says you’re too sensitive! Lightbulbs are going off now! He did this to me all my life growing up. Hed humiliate me in front of mutual friends growing up. He’d call me ugly stupid, no friends with such disgust for me. I’ve always walked on egg shells around him. I always thought it was me who was less than and undeserving of love. Now I see it’s him and his insecurities but the damage is still done and I’m constantly working on my negative self thoughts about myself.
I was a narcissist, trained by my mother, until I made the conscious decision at around age 14/15 yrs that I did not want to be anything like my mother. Although, deep down, I still believed her negative narrative of me for most of my life. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and other professionals online, I am discovering the reasons for some of my behaviors over my lifetime and am beginning to heal at 60 ❤
My parents always told me to not cry over spilled milk, but verbally berate me for spilling sed milk. There’s no winning in these relationships, mistakes are a natural part of life but apparently not for narcissistic supply.
Absolutely! Making mistakes, that's the main purpose of learning. Obviously narcissistic people have no idea and that they've learned something at some point in time by making mistakes.
Omg my family would be so mean to me at the table and make me nervous and shaky and as a result I kept accidentally spilling drinks at the table then they would get so mad at me and make fun of me so I stopped accepting invitations to eat at the table with them and the more I ate in my room alone or dined at separate times than my family I didn't spill drinks. They were making me feel bad about something they were causing me to feel uneasy so that I would do the same embarrassing thing over and over. Then they're like hey why don't you ever want to hang out with us and eat together anymore it's like you're trying to avoid us you're missing out on making memories together and that's your choice.
@@PassionateFloweraren't they fun? Had to break up a fight between my sister and my mother. Lots of name calling and whatever else. I didn't want to get stuck in their mess lol. It was rather lame.
Ditto - favorite tactic of my Father, using guilt trips ALL my life. Doesn't phase me now. I don't care what any Narcissists' opinion of me is.💥💥💥 I didn't ask!🙌🏼
Last year at a family gathering my narcissistic sister said out loud, "hey, remember when you told me how much you liked a_ _ _ sex..." what? I was shocked and upset something so inappropriate was said. Then she said I couldn't take a joke and laughed at me along with the rest of the family. I was always made fun of at every family gathering. Now at 61 years old, I no longer engage with them. Finally free of being the joke. I am finally empowered to know about narcissistic people. Healing every day. Thank you Dr Ramani!!!
My grandmother does this. She has a handful of stories I’ve asked her not to share At parties, so of course she does every opportunity and then smirks like “whatcha gonna do about it?”
I also had this for 61 years from my brother and mum. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's terrible and wounding, deep inside, I know I'm not alone. But they probably will be one day.
Every Cluster B I've ever met is SUPER sexually violating around FAMILY. Every last one is at least somewhat violating, lack of consent, lack of boundaries, weird incest vibe.
My mind immediately went to my fifth grade parent teacher conference. All of the other kids were playing. I was clinging to my mom in case I needed to fix something she didn't like about what the teacher said. I'm 73 and it still hurts. I knew at the time something was wrong but I always think it's because I'm not worthy.
My heart hurts just reading this... the unreasonable responsibility for a child to carry. I have this feeling with my SO, but i have dealt with it as an adult. I am so sorry you carried that burden in that tender age, and all these years since. You are worthy of love and acceptance. You are.
That’s how growing up with my mother was.. not allowed to make a mistake. Even accidentally spilling food as a kid would unleash rage. She’s still like this even though I’m an adult.. if I don’t magically mind read the dark cloud sets it.
This describes my father. As long as he was happy no one or nothing else mattered. We walked on egg shells when he was having a bad day or in a bad mood. As kids my mom had to please him to keep the peace. We couldnt drink the milk because it was Dads milk. When you mentioned the car coming in the driveway you nailed it Dr. Ramani. We never knew what mood he would be in. As a child i grew up with fear and controlled by my dads needs and moods. Had to make sure i never upset him or disappointed him. I ended up having ulcers and anxiety. Every time he called my stomach went in knots and i had palpitations. Mom passed before him and i believe her stomach issues and illness was related to the horrible life she had with him. Thank you Dr Ramani.
He will eventually require help in his late life, and he has lost any obligation for you to help him. I refuse to help my narc mother in law (and father in law with anger management) bc they ruined our fairly tail wedding and newlywed months after getting married. They gave her diagnosable mental illnesses, and I will forever grey rock them when we see them, and I will do anything that fucks them over, even in the slightest. I've even begun to gaslight the narc, which is satisfying
6:33 That part about hearing footsteps coming up the stairs shook me to the core. I literally broke down into tears hearing you describe this. It's like I was put in a time machine and back in my room as a child. I remembered how my home felt like a prison and the prison gaurd was coming to bully me even if I've been a good inmate. I literally haven't cried about my narcissistic parents in YEARS. I have gone no contact with my mom and minimal contact with my dad. I put most of that behind me now and I have gone through the deconstruction and healing phases a long time ago. It just goes to show that this kind of trauma runs DEEP when you have narcissistic parents. It never truly goes away. 💔
When i cook for us in the morning. All i can think of while cooking is…Do it right..do it right…the way she wants it to be…you can do this…be quiet while cooking she might wake up..the when she wakes up is like she have a wole darth vader type feel its like, all is heavy..then out of the. Blue she will say whats keeping you too long? Its just a chicken. I was raised to do all the things by myself cooking doing the dishes by myself all of it and im totally fine by it. Basically i am used to when is do a task i fully commit do it all. When i say will cook for you will do it all the way up to doing the dishes. But when she do the chores jts like leaving after a hurricane
I can relate about the hearing footsteps part. I'm finally at 47 yrs old allowing myself to listen to headphones or put the volume up on my Tv because I trained myself as a child to "Listen and be on alert for her noises ". Took years to allow myself background noise. Plays havoc on our fight or flight and adrenals . Happy Healing guys 🙏❤️
My dad did that. But id watch my door and see his shadow and i felt so like worried cause i knew he was comming in. Hed mess around outside my room like he was working up to the fight. Also i think its why im a night person. It was the only time i felt safe and free enough to eat or shower. At night when they slept i felt like hey im free. They cant fight if they arent awake.
GodBless you ! & Nuture that inner child You deserve I had to become my own loving parent in Adulthood & yes it seems it never really ever goes away permanently but God & Jesus have healed alot of it for me
I sometimes trigger people without saying anything. As I walk in or around someone they're in a bad mood. Hate to say it but that's not my problem when we are talking about grown adults that are more than capable of regulating their own emotions. I naturally am either neutral or happy. I guess that triggers some people. 🤷🏼♀️
A red flag I noticed but continued to experience without understanding was - a profound sense of confusion and negative feeling when I left their presence.
@@beverlyhogan3682 it's like you can literally feel their hateful dark energy whenever you walk around or by them ! sadly this is my mother that I have to deal with.
I just discovered the world is not actually narcissistic. Wow. Due to my upbringing by an extremely violent narcissistic mother and a narcissistic sibling (golden child) I used to fear interacting with other people always expecting them to judge me. I would always expect the worst outcome from everything. I was conditioned to look at everyone as competition. It amazes me now that the world is actually quite nice and most of the people are normal. Well, at least so much more normal and nice than my toxic family. Almost every day now, when dealing with other / random people in social situations I am surprised by things going much better than expected. It takes time to heal, and I’m nowhere near “done”, but I do believe it’s possible.
I totally see what you mean. It's quite surprising when you are constantly surrounded by narcissistic people to find out that strangers are actually nicer and friendlier thanks those narcissists. At first I was actually sad because it was people who you thought cared about you, and you find out that other people treat you far better than them 😅
@@logikgirl12 but society as a whole is narcissistic I mean men are walking around thinking they are superior due to the system of PATRIARCHY that feeds them this disgusting narcissistic narrative I don't like people anymore I get insulted everytime I walk out in public by strangers almost everyone is narcissistic and there is no safe space anywhere
I think most people these days seem to be narcissists. One thing is it takes time and close relationships to fully see through their masks. I'd love to find these good people too but like I keep coming across narcissists or borderlines. Every single girl I get close to has been one.. not sure where to find normal people at all Once you find out how many things they're lying about or their cheating and etc... world looks crazy to me lol. But I see people show narc qualities the more I get to know them. Of course strangers seem nicer than your narcs though because narcissists are often totally nice to strangers! Or people they are not close to
I always thought that I was never allowed to make a mistake. If I made a mistake it was over. My friendships would end, my education was over, my marriages were over. I was no longer lovable. I was constantly surprised when the sun would come up the next day and the fact that when others made mistakes, their life went on. Their friends forgave and forgot. After a mistake I would feel ostracized, put myself in 😢self punishment. Now I notice mistakes are not the end. They are nothing. They are me being lovably human. Thank you so much. You are throwing lifelines to decent sensitive empathic people. I Love you!❤
I started a job not too long ago as a service tech, on the job training. Many many times Ive had coworkers have to tell me that making mistakes is ok and thats just how you learn. And just realizing at 30 that I need to be told this, and theres only one place it could have come from. Its like keeping yourself under a microscope, what if everything falls apart! Hope youre taking it easier on yourself.
Yes 75 yrs old and FINALLY I stumbled on to this INFORMATION. Struggling to LEARN quickly at this AGE how to exist around NARCISSIST that caused so much WRONG in my life and our children. Too Late!
I didnt see the patterns at first, but when I did I noticed my behavior changing and being more like her. Gas lighting, guilt tripping, paranoid and blame shifting. I was losing my sense of self. I had to leave before it consumed everything I love about myself.
The thing is "IT" MAY NOT BE A MISTAKE, just an excuse to bring you low, make you feel small, or humiliate you--especially in front of those who may hold you in some esteem. It's out of the blue...POUNCE is the tactic.
My mother and oldest brother bullied me this way. Everything had to be “perfect” or “right” the first time. This really affected me as an artist. I knew I had some natural talent but also understood that it needed to be developed. I could never open up in class because I was afraid of making a mistake and being humiliated in font of the class. I came to hate something that I was actually good at. I also failed at math for the same reason. I’m pretty good at math now, mostly because I allowed myself to practice.
I made the Dean’s List in college and I was in shock. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone that I was not a stupid person that just sail through getting the grades. My one and only Uncle told me that I would’ve never made it if it wasn’t for my Aunts help. I didn’t say a word to him. I thought what does she know about Business Law. From that day I just couldn’t look at him the same. My own mother was worse.
Fools who never enter the arena like to say they never made a mistake in the arena. No sh*t! You never even played the game. I can honestly say I have NEVER, EVER fumbled a football in the NFL. Big whoop! I never even played in the NFL so of course I never fumbled the damn football in the NFL.
Thanks for sharing! Keep up the great work and as an artist I can relate. I think your comment will help me as I just started painting again. Embracing mistakes and turning it into something beautiful!
You talking about knowing when your parent gets home from work and having that anxiety build then hearing the car come in the driveway.. That just put me back in my high school bedroom.. wow
Dr. Ramani ... you are saving my life. As a young aspiring 18 year old, I was shinning and excited to take the world head on. I was teased by older coworkers in my finance job that "soon life will dim that light she has - look at her, she's still so young and hopeful.", but I wasn't convinced anything could stop me - until I met my narcissist at 23 years old. I am now 24 ... and I got out. Finding the right therapist would have been a potentially discouraging and very triggering journey. My light did not go out ... but it was for damn sure dimmed for those 15 months. To say the absolute least. You along with about 3 other TikTokers *saved* me and are bringing me back to life through your work. Adding fire back to the light that I've always had inside myself. Thank you.
"No one will ever love you more than I do" is especially insidious when it comes from your mother. I heard this my whole life, and it made me grow up believing that love is overrated. If the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else treated me with such contempt, why should I expect to be treated better by anyone else?
I can relate. My father would tell me that he loved me, then go into a narcissistic rage later that day. I developed a fundamental misunderstanding of what constitutes love, leading me to become a love cripple.
My wife's parents said this after yelling at her for precisely 54 minutes 3 days after we got back from honeymoon because "she's the mother of the bride and she didn't feel special" among other things. My wife can't look at wedding photos because it makes her sad. Don't worry though, they will suffer the consequences of doing that to her for the rest of their lives, I'll make sure of it. It does make me mad to think about them taking that time away from us (3 months of post marital happiness roughly) but I don't let it ruin my days anymore. They created a blood feud with me by doing what they did, and I will get back at them, but I'll do so calmly and without rage. They will simply suffer the justified and fair consequences but I won't let that change who I am for the worse. They need help with something? Too bad. They want to meet their grandchild? Too bad, don't care. They want me to stop grey rocking them and go back to normal? Too bad, they will only ever get rudenes and or grey rocking for the rest of their lives.
I knew a lot of fathers like that at a church I used to go as a kid. My Dad wasn't like that, but I felt bad for the kids who had a dad like that. I'm glad you've stopped caring about people's idiot opinions. If you living your life makes them mad, tough shit.
How odd. Just wondering if it was, like, a religious spirit or what....If you dont mind my asking, would you tell me was this only @ church? I mean your dad: He didn't display this rage after, for example, a movie theater or some other assembly? I mean to say he wasn't that way when your family went to visit other's homes assuming you were expected "to be seen & not heard" in public?
And usually no one intervenes, because the narcissists are so good at faking being great at their role. They love performing being a great parent / sibling etc, but once you’re alone with them - and, scene 🎬
@@agga10for real!!! My narc dad was a raging narcissist who was great at publicly portraying himself as a “caring, protective father” and everyone fell for it. I had no one to back me up for years because he was so good at making it look like I was an ungrateful child and that he was just “protecting” me. Ugh. Luckily, they can’t hold up their facade forever. My dad eventually started losing his ability to hold in his rage publicly and has burned a lot of bridges since then. People eventually see the truth. But it’s a painful process to have to deal with until then.
It's like they see the world as a hostile place where everyone is against them, so they must always make a preemptive strike. They are forever trying to build themselves up just so they can feel good about themselves, and they feel compelled to tear you down in the process. I have one rule of thumb to assure myself that I'm NOT the narcissist; I ask myself whether I have deep feelings of affection for others. Narcissists don't have these feelings because they are too filled with contempt for others. So if you genuinely have these feelings, you probably are NOT a narcissist.
The kindest description I can give of one narcissist in my life is that she is a narcissistic bully with psychopathic tendancies. One time a friend of hers watched her go off on a person in one of her bullying, raging, assaults and asked her "Why do you treat people that way?". The woman calmly responded, "Because it gets me what I want." Don't get sucked into their rage storm. Don't get emotional. Dont get moved by their fury. 1) Stay calm. 2) Don't interact 3) Don't respond. 4) State that you won't put up with them treating you this way. 5) Walk Away.... 6) Be prepared for a violent reaction 7) Run away, if you must. 8) Don't go back, if you choose. 9) But Never, Never Give Them What They Want. That just rewards them for treating you horribly. And teaches them to repeat their bullying.
Being cheated on made me feel like my body had been fouled, and would never again be clean. Took a long time to change that. Being mocked and abused was nothing compared to that. Then I woke up and saw the light. I’m still recovering from that insanity, but dealing now with his grown child who is ten times worse than he ever was. So no. There’s no peace with these people. Ever. My physical health has taken a shit kicking from grief. I am forever enlightened by what I have learned on this journey though, and my mental health, although certainly battered throughout the years, has managed to stay strong. Not unaffected, but resigned to this reality. I’ll tell you one thing for sure. I really like the quiet, being away from insanity and mind games. I’ve become sweeter to myself in many ways too, trying to heal those heartaches and telling myself I gave it my best. At some point though I just surrendered to it all, completely and totally. Maybe that was the fight getting sucked right out of me. Radical acceptance was what happened, and that’s a really, really big feeling. Hang in there everyone.
Wow, my biggest childhood wound has been “I am not enough.” I’m grateful for the deep dive I’ve been able to undertake on the topic of narcissism, all thanks to your educational videos!
So true, that is why I live by myself, after 40 years of 2 different long term narcissistic abusive relationships plus numerous other family members I see on rare occasion. Now when I make mistakes, I show myself love so it helps me to do better. Finally now, I am learning to love myself in my 70’s but I live by myself now and I’m happy and content.
Most people who watch your videos are probably here to learn more about a partner or family member, but this info is just as pertinent for narcissistic friendships. Just recently ended a long term narcissistic friendship and holy cow, I will never let another person have that kind of power over me! Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me the information I needed to understand what was happening and get out
You are absolutely spot on about the commandment to honor thy mother and father! I wrestled with that one for years before I finally walked away at 65 years old.
It wasn't until my 40s that I finally realized that EVERYONE is figuring it out as they go along. NOBODY is an authority or expert on ANYTHING. Because everything is constantly changing and evolving. Hindsight is 2020, as always.
I needed to read this today. People are LITERALLY figuring out in ways their brain allows them to. A person like myself who cares, it gets frustrating but your message is a great reminder to let things be and allow people to find their own way.
Yes. I’m so grateful that narcissism awareness is gaining so much traction these past couple of years. There wasn’t much awareness at all when I was being raised by a narc mother then ended up with a narc first husband (of course lol). I just always felt that something was wrong without being able to put my finger on it. Thankfully I booted all the narcissists out of my life; and now I’m married to a wonderful, loving, normal man. I wish I had another mother, but at least I have a peaceful life now without her lies, gaslighting and hurtful comments.
I am so glad I found your channel; I recently left a 5 year abusive relationship with a narcissist, which was very difficult. Sometimes I will start to miss him, but I have to remind myself that when I was with him I felt more alone than I do without him. Your words ring true and you are spot on about narcissists; my ex is the biggest hypocrite I know. I have been binging your videos because I need this daily dose of real truth to keep me going. Thank you, you are appreciated! 🙏😄
Stay strong! You’re much better off without him. Now you have room in your life for a loving non-narcissist normal partner one day. Take care of yourself first.
You keep nailing it and nailing it. My mom and my ex. You can do 99.9% perfectly, not for yourself of course, it was self preservation. Perfect is annoying. They will always find the .01% error, which is subjective , of course, and that .01 will be all they ever considered. Mom can go 10, 20 years back to find it. She will resort to my three year old self. I am surprised I didn't jump out of the womb with an Olympic gold medal and the theory of relativity to make her feel important. Wouldn't have mattered. I remember showing her my work from architecture school. She asked what grade I got. Can't you just see the work. It was best in class, only then did she like it. It was Her trophy. They love trophies, don't they. I have a funny story about that too, lol. Another time.
My mom told me my entire life that “I “ made “her” walk on eggshells, when it was totally the other way around. But she kept control of me for decades with those mind games 😳 She also told me, as a teenager that no one would ever want me & would laugh at different mistakes 🥺
I totally feel your pain. I'm 44 now, and went no contact with my mother a few months ago as she kept behaving in that same toxic way she has been behaving in my entire life. I suffered from anorexia as a teenager and now I finally understand why. She even uses my suffering as the reason for her own misfortune in life (example: I'm in poor health because YOU had anorexia, it's all your fault). It's heartbreaking and tragic how a parent can behave like this towards their own children, regardless of age. I hope you find your inner strength and love to heal from this trauma. Lots of 💕
I hear yah. My ex hated that I had a regiment and worked toward goals. She hated that I floss my teeth, hated where I live, and worked. She would gossip about other people but she was doing the same. I can't wrap my head around the insanity. Just a disturbing thought process.
Eye opening I was in the doubt phase of realizing that I was in an abusive narcissistic relationship until I watched this video everything she said I’m going through!
I remember having SO little to talk about I became toxic. The only responses from the narc were if we were talking about drama in our family. I cried just wanting to have a normal, free flowing conversation.
You are so smart Dr Ramani. I thought my family was normal. This abandonment started when I was 3. I was dropped at the baby sitter's on Monday morning and picked up on Friday evening. I grew up feeling I was such a burden. n spite of learning how o say NO, I still feel like a burden. I felt children were nothing but work. So I denied myself the joy of having a roley polly bouncing baby. Sad! But I did give myself the joy of being a blessing to all the children in my neighborhood, when theirpsrents would allow it. Now 40 yrs later I still get some love from some of those kids. I just didn't want them to grow up feeling left out the way I did.
42:00 What can we do to combat internalized devaluation? 1) Work on identity, self-concept, and learning new ways to talk to yourself about yourself with a therapist. (If you don't have access to one, I like Patrick Teahan's channel. : - ) 2) Spend time with people who see the good in you, who validate and value you. 3) Spend time doing things you enjoy and are good at since that can enhance your sense of self. 4) Find and reflect on the good things in you---make a list : - ). 5) Learn to correct your devaluing self-talk with a loud "No!" You don't need to be perfect at these things or have a team of friends singing your praises. A little goes a long way, and it IS possible to fix devaluation one validating, kind word at a time. It just takes time and intention.
Is that a fact, though? Yes I have been called a narcissist by a definite narcissist and yes, Dr Ramani, pretty much, described my, just ended, relationship. Nevertheless, I can recognise some of the described traits in myself too. So what I am wondering about is - does me wondering and worrying that I might be a narcissist, really make me not a narcissist. Not so sure.
It truly saddens me, after reading many many comments, the harm caused by narcissistic behavior. I wasn't aware of the magnitude of such cruelty. Kudos to all survivors, because in my book, you're really the strong ones. I appreciate this kind of video content. Although i didn't experience such trauma, this information is very useful, in the event that i have to confront a potential narcissist.
The insidious thing about how they make others feel small is how they sneak it in to conversations which makes it hard to spot, but over time accumulates and takes its toll. I wish I had recognized this at the time and been more watchful for that. Our family narcissist also really likes going out on Halloween dressed as Keith Ledger's 'Joker', the ultimate malignant narc. Hmmm.... revealing? I think so.
I've literally been thinking on this exact thing that they do but not sure how to articulate it. That it's not an outright insult or belittlement or critique but their disapproval or disdain is definitely expressed in a way that borders and you just kind of take the sucker punch and keep it moving reeling a little bit like wtf. Sorry it's so frustrating that I'm still failing to adequately explain and it's kind of eating at my nerves lol
Wow! I feel so seen! When I was a kid, I always hid when I heard my mom's car pull into the driveway. I felt guilty about hiding from her, too. An exchange student who lived with us said they also hid, which felt validating that I wasn't the only one having this flight reaction.
I would hide in the basement! My mother always came home from her job in a completely foul mood. She’d complain of having a headache then would yell at anyone who was nearby. So I made myself a fort in the furnace room, and I would hide there to read my books.
My narc mom took away my lightbulbs once because I enjoyed reading at night. I was scared of the dark so I'd lay there and almost pee the bed because I was too scared without my lightbulbs.
I really appreciate the way you give personal examples of the behavior patterns and the language narcissist's use. You have this personality pattern down to a science. Thank you for your work. It really helps so many of us out here!
I have married two narcissists. I walked away from both. First one of 23 years, the second one as 10 years. I have often wondered what about ME was attracted to these individuals. After listening to your videos, I realized my mother was a narcissist. Thank you. I have been told it’s only the strong that are able to get out of these relationships. I’ve wondered about that because I’ve never thought I was very strong because of the abuse I have taken in this life. I have been single for over 15 years and would love to have a healthy man in my life. I have to admit I fear getting into another bad relationship. Thank you for all the information you share. It has helped me tremendously.❤❤❤
Non-narcissist guy here. I'll pass the test real quick...it's possible that I AM an unknowing narcissist. I love to learnb I am wrong though, and it happens all the time. When I find-out I am wrong about a particular thing, I have just found BETTER UNDERSTANDING. One less mistake in my thinking. Anyways...I have been being told by the females that I have pursued romantically in the last few years that I am TOO NICE a lot. I'm currently pretty-much un-dateable, as the series of rejections in sequence has left me in a bad place...legitimately needy. I swear, before this gauntlet of rejection, I was very much emotionally mature, considerate, reasonable and loving. A bit of a people pleaser, I come from a place of being a bit over accommodating in the name of having a good time, sure. I am NOT a chump or a simp though, and have well-developed self respect...Long-story short...I have been called TOO NICE by several many girls now. So maybe if you see some TOO NICE, it may be the thing to look at and explore more. If I could find a gal who liked me and was TOO NICE....I guess that would be a TOO NICE life! Sounds really nice to me. I have seen the girls who have called me "too nice", several of them, chase "assholes" and guys that have apparent anti-social qualities...It seems, predictably, to NOT WORK-OUT! Go figure!
Well it only took ten years to get out of the second one, versus 23 for the first. That's progress! My latest bad relationship was about a year. Had it not been for Covid, and him living with me and nowhere to go, maybe it could have been shorter.... (The stalking and harassment added another year and a half onto it. I held my ground, no contact and all that, but he held on too, --like a barnacle! Thank God for the Criminal Justice system.) Previously, it was 10 years. So, let's say we're going in the right direction. Now let's steer clear of them totally.❤
I went out with 2 for 5 years i ended up calling them on there behaviour twice and both discarded me and the one had cheated 3 times i Allowed him to do it 😊
Oh my gosh. Dr. Ramani, have you been watching my life? Eerie how precisely you can describe my experience! Thank you for validating that experience and letting me know I am not alone!
I feel like my entire reality has been splayed out before me. For years, I've been treated by some of those closest to me based on one mistake I made days, weeks, months or even years ago. Albeit I haven't been a perfect individual, but there is literally no reason for them to judge my whole being based on one mistake I made, except to keep me in a box that makes them feel more powerful. And even when I behave in ways that would dispel their negative conceptions about me, how they treat me, and view me doesn't change. Thank you for helping me to realize that everything I've lived is not fake!
The social media part was so spot on. I’m expected to not be upset by him following scantily clad women young enough to be his granddaughter. It’s disgusting. I m hoping I can find a way out
During the marriage to the narcissist, he showed me a picture of his mistress of many years, expecting me to go into a rage. I looked at the picture and he kept saying David, his best friend introduced him to her. I had 3 children with him. I actually didn't want to be near him, I walked away before coming undone. I realized I had fallen out of love with him anyway. One woman is never enough for narcissist's . I divorced him after the kids grew up a more.moved 2500 miles away from him. So cruel & Toxic he was. Makes me sick to my stomach how he treated me. Took me years to get over it,which I really never did. Anyone who is mean,abusive,contemptuous, red flags, I will block them in many ways. NO & I don't care are the two things that kills them. I still have Empathy for the right people. That surprises me because all I had been put through. Thank GOD.🌿❤️🌿
I can't remember anyone saying that I am narcissistic, but I've thought it of myself. I'm 63 and grew up with Narcissistic family, they have ostracised me. Growing up I had many boyfriends, friends and 2 husbands that were narcissistic - you know what I mean. I doubted myself and thought there was something seriously wrong with me, until my trauma therapist explained why this happens. I don't trust myself to choose people to come in my life that are not to be narcissistic. At my age I just couldn't cope with one more narcissistic in my life. Not a conscious thought, but I closed myself off from people and live like a hermit in isolation. Thank you for help Dr.R, love your work.
This is phenomenal. I felt so alone, like I was actually going insane. The way my ex made me feel for 5 years; it’s as if these videos are based off her behavior personally.
I FOOLED my narcissistic family system, I was born into a severely narcissistic family system with a disability it was an unwritten rule growing up and (from day one I was thought of by everybody as "stupid"). So when I had finally HAD ENOUGH and actually STOOD UP FOR MYSELF, I guess that blew them out of the water, just for the fact that they would typically I I WOULD fall for all their baiting (not knowing any differently) I would go back into the relationship. Even though yes I did lose everybody, HAVING THEM OUT of my life my BRAIN WORKS SO MUCH because I'm not under constant stress. Don't get me wrong I grieve for that family every single day (well two people in particular).
This! The brain working easier is a real thing! I feel you. It's been similar for me since choosing to walk out. My brain is at ease and functions like it's supposed to.
I literally love you so much and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the knowledge and advice you spread. You gave me the assurance i needed to finally leave. They made me feel CRAZY. and say things like “did you take ur meds today?” When I’d cry because of the way they treated me. I was so gas lit I literally felt crazy. I was isolated I didn’t have anyone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy EXCEPT FOR YOU 🙏
This hit hard. I was dating a cover narcissist (before I knew) when I had a TBI. I can't emphasize enough how maddening this was while I was also slowly recovering from an unreliable memory and numerous other symptoms. I escaped that relationship even though it cost me dearly, but it's still ultimately "better" to be away from her.
You nailed my sister in the first six minutes. My sister would take things that I said very personally. She would even take something I posted on FB personally even though it had nothing to do with her. She also would take things I divulged about my life and use it against me. So I started not telling her anything about my life and kept conversations mundane. I blocked her on FB, too. What did she come back with? I was being selfish because I didn't share information about myself. She said that I was being guarded and didn't trust her. It was like "Tell me you're a narcissist without telling me you're a narcissist." These are just some things she has done. I could write a book about all the crap I've had to put up with when it came to her. Been no contact three years now.
My daughter does that and she’s a narcissist (she was groomed by my narc ex-h) I had to shut down all my social media accounts because both of them monitored all my activity and would rage and complain about every picture or word I posted, even though it had nothing to do with them. My ex-husband had his crazy lawyer on speed dial over every little thing until a judge declared him a vexatious litigant and he had to pay for my legal fees. That permanently put an end to the legal issues. But not the constant smear campaigns.
People who ask "am I the problem?" Whatever the problem is, generally aren't the problem. Because these people don't ask those questions. Does that make sense?
They are CONVINCED of their own superiority 100% of the time despite all evidence to the contrary. They abuse, lie, cheat, rape, and call themselves GOOD.
My ex and I lived in a huge house that his parents bought for him. I would clean it top to bottom, and he would start moving everything around the way "he" wanted things, even though I hadn't moved anything, just cleaned. Then the rage.
I’ve been in a marriage for 5 years and my ex-girlfriend have both called me a narcissist. For a minute I thought so. After educating myself I realized that I was not but both of them were amazing. Your description of a narcissist and their behavior is spot on! They were both extremely beautiful and used sex, guilt, manipulation and extreme gaslighting. It almost worked. It’s the absolute most horrific thing a human can do to another.
I cannot express how grateful I am this was today's topic because I finally told my family it really hurts my feelings when they negatively comment on my appearance and getting nothing but "Well you took it the wrong way." My remaining family members are not narcissistic (my father and one sister were), but the marks they made on all of us run so deep that I cannot handle any talk about my appearance and they can't understand why it would be upsetting to be told my skin looks awful since I should be used to it and they're just concerned. Having compassion for each other as fellow victims of narcissistic abuse is so important, and I hope for all of us going through it that we are the last veterans of the narcissistic war of modernity. Much love and many prayers sent everyone's way 🙏 ❤️
I feel for you on this. I experienced the same from my narc mother. Your hair is too long, your nails are too long, you’re fat, you’re too skinny…are you sick?, you need to moisturize your neck & chest you’re getting wrinkles, your hair should be such & such a color, that outfit makes you look fat, that outfit looks terrible on you, you’re wearing that? Oh the list goes on & on. Very tough having any bit of self confidence when the person that is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader is always tearing you down. I’m no contact now 💜
I understand the feeling. I have a narc parents and in laws. My in laws fat shame my husband, and even started dog whistling to criticize my crooked teeth 😥 You are beautiful, and self aware enough to see right through them...and they HATE it!
@@Stardustpal25 hehe that made me laugh. I have someone in my family that likes to dish out the insults and if I say anything he accuses me of being too sensitive / a snowflake…I could have used a hand mirror on many occassions😂
WoW that part on being mistreated and mocked by family and siblings and peers just defined my entire childhood and brought so much knowledge to me and myself today!!!!!
I didn't question the validity of my narcissistic mother's abusive rhetoric when I adopted her beliefs as my own at the age of 6. A self-destructive soundtrack impenetrable by compliments or praise has been playing on repeat in my head for 40 years leaving the door for abuse and mistreatment wide open. Until one day in Jan 2021 when I heard Dr. Ramani talk about narcissistic abuse. That was the last time I heard my mother's faulty perceptions echoing in my head. Healing isn't linear but giving myself a chance to take care of myself, love myself and forgive myself for the pain is worth it. ❤
Yes we need her on the noahs ark. She knows her stuff. Her a couple others can really save a person from possibly suicide or self destruction. I wish i knew of her after I had my only child & his alienating king narcissistic dad. I didn't even know such type of person, was a thing, especially in multiples. O really tried and tried, never felt love never felt a connection. Yet it was all me I suddenly broke his heart it's over. Legally kidnapped and refused to answer the phone for years. Did I miss something. Did I break his heart, maybe he did love me. No
Same here. It took about 40 years for me to say to her, "I'm living your life!" After I sought therapy, I realised that I had no idea who I was. Now, about a decade later, I grieve for that child and young adult who lost years of her life.
This morning my narc neighbor asked if I had some wooden shelves for him. He’s busy making a cupboard at home. I know he has a lot of wooden material at his place but still he asked me for it. I gave it to him while standing at my frontdoor and he happened to beat my blooming flowers with it. The flowers are now on the street. This is what you get helping a narc. I experienced it before that narc also ruin blooming flowers either in my garden or in front of my house. I love gardening so I have a lot of blooming flora around me. That’s why it happened quit often. What I picked up from your video this time is: don’t consider yourself being paranoid. Listen to your guts. They are also right. Narcs will do everything to ruin the things you love and call it an accident. They do it on purpose, specially if you help them wholeheartedly. As punishment. They don’t thank you for helping them out. They punish you. Karma says woof to Remi. ❤️🌹💋
My therapist said that after she’s explained to me that my parents were narcissistic and they gave me bad messages about me, it’s my choice to feel bad and I’m the one who chooses to feel bad. I’ll take your advice, Dr Ramani, it feels very supportive and practical. Thank you! ❤
After living with a narcissist who constantly berates you, just telling you that the narcissist was wrong does NOT set you free to choose whether to feel bad about yourself. It's just NOT that simple. Your therapist was wrong. It's not a switch you can turn off at will. Sure, it's a relief to find out that they, not you, were the problem, but your insecurity runs deep. It might take years for you to sort out the feelings and pain within yourself and, hopefully, become self-confident again, but it will come.
What errant bs, framing the effects of narcissistic abuse as a matter of choice, as a conscious process, thoughts, emotions and beliefs you're "choosing"! I would run from that therapist! Please don't let yourself be emotionally and cognitively abused by such a "therapist" any more.
@@marykennedysherin3330Don't be fooled by that vapid language of "choice". It may help you feel empowered for a short while, but it's deeper effect will leave you feeling guilty and ashamed when you realize you can't just "choose" to "rise above" years of abuse and the way it's shaped your psyche.
@@vaska1999 thank you! I stopped seeing her because I walked away feeling worse about myself than when I came. It was a big step after lots of comments like that one from her. The act of saying no to seeing her felt kind of empowering although disappointing. It’s crazy how a therapist can be abusive too
This video is SO incredibly validating. Some of your examples were exactly what I had experienced, verbatim. I've reached a place where I can recognize how unbelievably cruel they were/are and know I did nothing to deserve such treatment. Thank you!
Please, " don't lose the fight" ! Empower yourself. Go back and listen to a Dr. Ramani video once a day and then journal for yourself. She is phenomenal! She is better than 1:1 therapy. You can heal yourself if you pay attention and work her videos, she gives you all the tools! She is a gift 🎁 from God!
@@theresediaz8230 Shes an amazing human being. But I think I’m the narc and I don’t think I can have the life I want and I feel like Im destroying myself and if what I think is coming is coming then I just want to face it and die. I sense my life coming to an end. I think this was the plan all along and I’ve nothing to show for it. My heart cannot take this and I don’t think I can do this alone anymore and I question my sanity and judgment constantly. My empathy is broken and my anxiety is through the roof and I just wish I knew what is going on and I’m not sure Im going to ever find out. My impulsiveness is literally killing me anyway and I don’t have anyone to turn to or trust. Its all my fault and death would be mercy. Im not even sure Im worth helping and I can’t talk myself into being positive about anything anymore. I don’t even dare to dream. Im just waiting for the shoe to drop.
Yes, I was told I was narcissistic by a family member narcissist, gaslighting me. I was able to negate her statement. She still tries in other ways. I refuse to interact with her today.🎉
OMG, you hit a nerve! That is a perfect description. The whole panic and clean up instinct that STILL haunts me today. I have a Pavlovian reaction to the sound of garage door opening, even when it's just my kiddo coming home from school!
My dad would point at homeless people and say that would be me. He would compare me to my younger sister who is the golden child and has exceeded in academics since a very young age. I cannot see the same for myself. I grew up, feeling dumb and slow, but I realized I can speak five languages I can play for instruments. I’m in college to study mycology, ethnomycology, and environmental science so I can rehabilitate my peoples land and preserve our culture and knowledge
When you are living with a narciccist you get so lonely
Yes
Profound loneliness!! Yes!
Worst marriage it's when you feel so much lonely, my narc husband used to block me and my child to punish us.
52 years of loneliness 😢
@@soniabert2547 the absolute worst kind of loneliness, especially when the silent treatment is used. It destroys you to the core.
Something worse than not having anyone to protect you when you're a child, is someone there who turns the other way. It teaches you no one will intervene to help you.
Very sad existence indeed
Isn’t it the worst? Hugs. I hope you’re being properly cherished now. By yourself especially.
That’s my reality, as a child and now as an adult.
You described my childhood. It was bad enough having a narc. father who was abusive. My sibling made it so much worse by constantly setting me up for trouble so she could get attention.
@@JoyFayI'm right there with you. Unknowingly I married a narcissist and feel i will never have peace.
Can I just add…😂😂😂I’m NARC FREE 68 days and no contact…after 4 decades I finally left!
WOW!🎉🎉🎉
Smart!!
Has he tried to harm you in any way or stalking or anything since you left?
68 days of no contact??? I know you must be feeling so much better already❤
Woohoo!
Narcissists never appreciate others and see an ulterior motive in whatever others do
They are by nature thankless.
They have a sense of entitlement
They get joy by hurting others
They cant stand anyone being better than them in anyway
They are deeply deeply insecure
Their eyes show no emotions
Well summed up
That is exactly my boss! Thanks for summing it up. :)
So True 😮❤😊❤😊
Saddest thing is waking up and realizing how ur life was nothing but lies and manipulation. Sad to be raised by this.
I understand and hear you. There are a lot of good people in the world 🌎 who went to my church ⛪️ and helped me along the way. Maybe you can find some too.
Or...have been married to one for 40 years!
they mock, humiliate, degrade, belittle, have contempt for..., dehumanize with their behaviors..., betray, cheat, lie, use you for supply of their ego-needs, insult you in front of others, constantly shame you, you are constantly walking on eggshells...
Abandon those backstabbing snakes!
"Not ever allowed to make a mistake"
My childhood in a nutshell.
Mine too 💯
Called conditional love
At age 62 the mom was still badgering me about something I did she felt was a mistake in HIGH SCHOOL! Mind you, the dad had committed suicide two years earlier…guess I was supposed to get over it…like she did.
@@teresacotton7923 Conditional love would have been nice. There was only ever rage.
Both of my parents were this way....63 and still healing from childhood abuse! Validation helps tremendously!
When I start to miss my ex-husband, I listen to your words & remind myself why I left. Thanks for reminding us we are worthy to be treated right!
you miss someone who treated you so badly you're no longer together? :o
Same for me when I miss my ex.
@pseudopuppy160 We got used to the abuse. It was a cycle (they gave the poison, and then the cure.) We miss the cure/ the love bombing stage. We ruminate in the lie(the off happy days) that was our life. I left my husband after 12 years of marriage and 3 small kids later. There are obviously still emotional ties there.
@@angiemcleod7979oh my god, I have that today
You are missing a fake persona that was invented so they could use you to meet THEIR needs. That person wasn't real. It was a con. You saw the REAL person in his anger and selfish behavior. A Narc is a very emotionally damaged person. They pretend to be ok. 😢❤
I am 75 and just now realizing how narcissism (from toxic family, and several marriages), has held me back at work and in relationships. Your podcasts have been a lifeline to me. It’s never too late to find peace.
Please. Can you give advice? I'm 34 and I really want to learn experiences. What would you have done differently if you can go back? Or what would you say to your younger self?
Relationships are phases in our life.Once it's over those partners have played their role in your life.Its over .Learn from it and move on. @lorainebatchelor9331
Thank you Dr. I was born in a narc family. 8 out of 11. I was victimised. But I fought back.
Wow your awesome! I'm just learning about this stuff after 7 years in a horrible relationship and I didn't know what the problem was till I started learning about this stuff. I just turned 54 and hope I never go through something like this again! This has been the biggest love scam of my life. 😮
This is so real, and meaningful. Thanks for sharing.
"There aren't many good days, but there were enough good days to keep you in." Well described.
We never had good days
We only could go hours with him being stable and “nice” then he’d find something to be upset about ….
Utterly exhausting!
@@vbrown7530agree, the good days became a few good hours, maybe. Until he would find something to be upset about & go into a drunk rage.
@@437Colie always found something!!!! Like gooooood grief!
1/. Insults
2/. Gaslighting
3/. Self doubt
4/. Blaming
5/. Attacking
My boss is a narcissist
@@KDrop84 I’m So Incredibly Sorry They Are
Everywhere I Was Destroyed Through A Malignant Overt Narcissist
He Destroyed My Health And My Mental Health.
Narcissistic abuse is Brutal….
6. Play victim.
7. Deny everything.
8. Switch to strawman fallacy card.
@@KDrop84I am sorry
Don't forget the smear campaign to ruin you in the eyes of the world.
"You can't win." Exactly. "They are looking for a fight." Precisely. Once she's in rage mode all I can do is greyrock. Because EVERYTHING I say will only escalate.
Before every interaction: "I will not engage"; after probably half of them " how did I get sucked in again?"
I can relate all too well
At some point they will be old and you can put last them if you argue back
The flying monkeys: You just don't want to get along! You just want to cause trouble!
@rjs506 Me. Nearly everytime. I'm getting "that" feeling right now and he's not even around 😢
What I do is offensive, what they do is "just how they are" ....horrible manipulation
Exactly!
OMG yes
Omg that is soooo true!!! Totally different standards
That's the'trap', then we spend hours days weeks in cognitive dissonance and confusion, in the meantime they've "forgotten ' the issue and if you bring it up brace yourself for the contempt,disdain eye rolling and you're too sensitive!
@@bereal6590 or your just trying to start a fight, if you aren't only going to say positive things there is no discussion.
I finally am free of my narcissists - mom died, husband divorced me 😊, I retired and the bully at work does not have access to me and I set very strong boundaries with my step-son. I feel so free with no gaslighting. I am enough!
Im so happy for you Linda, live a freeing and happy life
Good for you
I love these videos. It really helps me in my relationship with my family.
Does it mean everyone in your life was a narcissist?😅
He divorced YOU? Did you send him a Thank You card? 😂
You dont even need to make a mistake, or do something wrong. Even if you do NOTHING wrong, they will manufacture something anyway, thusly making it IMPOSSIBLE to avoid trouble.
I experienced this.
Yes exactly
Yes!!!!! Absolutely nothing wrong and he flipped!! Turned to diffman right before my eyes😢
Yes exactly. I'll be minding my business then bam! I'll be like what now?
When my grandson was 5 years old, I forgot something I had told him and he had a meltdown screaming that I was a liar. In the midst of this, one of his parents, in a round about way accused him of trying to tear the family apart. He screamed back, "I'm not trying to tear the family apart". I finally realized the mistake I made and went to him and apologized profusely. Then the parent accused him of taking advantage of me. That poor little child heard these things since he was a toddler. He is 11 now and every chance I get I tell him what a great kid he is and I'm so proud of him. Once when he was a few years younger, I was hugging him and he tried to pull away a little. I held him closer and whispered in his ear, "I'm going to hug you till you feel all the love I have for you." In that instant, his whole body relaxed. I always hope he grows up knowing that he is not a bad person. I also hope I'll still be around when he graduates high school.
Thank you so much! This about made me want to cry. Hearing disability runs in my family. Me, my son, and grandson. My mother is a narcissist. I went no contact 3 years ago. I still struggle to get my head right and take care of myself with my family. My son is likely a narcissist. He was the golden child. My grandson is my love. His hearing is worse. He was born with a cleft, and his speech is difficult. I would do anything for him. I am so thankful that your grandson has you!! Please be there whenever you can. 🫶🏼
That’s how my parents were. Accusing at such a young age. No matter who else was involved or what happened I was always accused as the problem. Nothing has changed in 60 years.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Your grand baby is so fortunate to have you. Keep loving on that boy. I spent years of my childhood and young adult life trying to figure out why my mother hated me so much and treated me so badly, until I finally came to the realization that it had very little to do with me and that she has her own demons she's struggling with. I never had anyone advocate for me. You very well could be your grandson's saving grace. Hopefully he is able to recognize his worth early on.
❤
Grandma, all it takes is one person who loves and believes in him to give him hope for his future. Bless you.
When someone is contemptuous the relationship is over. Thank you, that confirms I made the correct decision.
Whenits tour paremt its a life long contempt...ut took me 52 years to realize my father hates me.
@pathfinders6993 exactly 💯 %
Contempt is the death knell of a struggling relationship. That is the true end of the relationship.
Contempt in any relationship is sick.
@@victoriavollam5742’m so sorry ! I know how much it hurts but I’m glad you realize it’s them not you. It still hurts I know. My brother I’m just realizing after watching this is a narcissist and has so much contempt and hate for me all my life. I’m almost 50 he’s 50 and still he makes fun of me in front of my nieces and my sibling to still dominate me. And if I object and call him out he laughs and says you’re too sensitive! Lightbulbs are going off now! He did this to me all my life growing up. Hed humiliate me in front of mutual friends growing up. He’d call me ugly stupid, no friends with such disgust for me. I’ve always walked on egg shells around him. I always thought it was me who was less than and undeserving of love. Now I see it’s him and his insecurities but the damage is still done and I’m constantly working on my negative self thoughts about myself.
I was a narcissist, trained by my mother, until I made the conscious decision at around age 14/15 yrs that I did not want to be anything like my mother. Although, deep down, I still believed her negative narrative of me for most of my life. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and other professionals online, I am discovering the reasons for some of my behaviors over my lifetime and am beginning to heal at 60 ❤
Wowowow... Kudos to you for this constant introspection and willingness to change
@meenakshee1977 Thank you⚘️I figure that it's my life, and I'm not going to let anyone else ruin it!
You are my hero today! Great job going inward and being open to healing and change. Blessings on your journey. ❤
@@victorial8764 🫶🎹⚘️
It is so nice you decided to heal. Will benefit you and people around you ❤
Unrelated but the woman has one of the best narration voices I've ever enjoyed
NEVER EVER, EVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN and please bow down to no one. You are so much more than good enough!
My parents always told me to not cry over spilled milk, but verbally berate me for spilling sed milk. There’s no winning in these relationships, mistakes are a natural part of life but apparently not for narcissistic supply.
Their hypocrisy knows no limits!
Absolutely! Making mistakes, that's the main purpose of learning. Obviously narcissistic people have no idea and that they've learned something at some point in time by making mistakes.
Omg my family would be so mean to me at the table and make me nervous and shaky and as a result I kept accidentally spilling drinks at the table then they would get so mad at me and make fun of me so I stopped accepting invitations to eat at the table with them and the more I ate in my room alone or dined at separate times than my family I didn't spill drinks. They were making me feel bad about something they were causing me to feel uneasy so that I would do the same embarrassing thing over and over.
Then they're like hey why don't you ever want to hang out with us and eat together anymore it's like you're trying to avoid us you're missing out on making memories together and that's your choice.
@@PassionateFloweraren't they fun? Had to break up a fight between my sister and my mother. Lots of name calling and whatever else. I didn't want to get stuck in their mess lol. It was rather lame.
@roxyrhodes3035 This is such a common story with narc parents. I'm so sorry for all of us kids being made nervous at the dinner table.
Wish more therapists understood this.
Totally agree.
Yup, I’ve tried 3…… I quit and now search out Dr Ramani’s TH-cam channel
You always have to keep your bags packed because they're constantly taking you on a guilt trip.
Honey! My mom and her guilt trips got so ridiculous, I went no contact. Two years and counting!
Ditto - favorite tactic of my Father, using guilt trips ALL my life. Doesn't phase me now. I don't care what any Narcissists' opinion of me is.💥💥💥 I didn't ask!🙌🏼
💥💥💥"Why wouldn't someone love me as much as 'you' do?" 💥💥💥 AWESOME! Love it! BOOOOMM!❤❤❤
Beautifully put
Omg, your so right 😢
Last year at a family gathering my narcissistic sister said out loud, "hey, remember when you told me how much you liked a_ _ _ sex..." what? I was shocked and upset something so inappropriate was said. Then she said I couldn't take a joke and laughed at me along with the rest of the family. I was always made fun of at every family gathering. Now at 61 years old, I no longer engage with them. Finally free of being the joke. I am finally empowered to know about narcissistic people. Healing every day. Thank you Dr Ramani!!!
My grandmother does this. She has a handful of stories I’ve asked her not to share At parties, so of course she does every opportunity and then smirks like “whatcha gonna do about it?”
I also had this for 61 years from my brother and mum. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's terrible and wounding, deep inside, I know I'm not alone. But they probably will be one day.
I've noticed that ALL narcissists are deeply inappropriate and have NO sexual boundaries around family or kids. Just really sexually violating people.
Every Cluster B I've ever met is SUPER sexually violating around FAMILY. Every last one is at least somewhat violating, lack of consent, lack of boundaries, weird incest vibe.
Your not allowed to be yourself. The minute you are relaxed and yourself it pisses them off!
I’ve used those words . I said I’m not allowed be be myself .
Wow. So true. I kept wondering why I was being mean to her and later realized it was her contempt towards me. She hated me being myself.
And don’t you dare be happy and have the nerve to laugh around them because it’s threatening to them.
@@clintonnagy1662 awful . Stay you . Kids are so selfish . We love them , help them and ask for no thanks but for contempt back ??? Awful .
@@kalibudlakou exactly. They want us to suffer . Awful way to treat a caring mum
My mind immediately went to my fifth grade parent teacher conference. All of the other kids were playing. I was clinging to my mom in case I needed to fix something she didn't like about what the teacher said. I'm 73 and it still hurts. I knew at the time something was wrong but I always think it's because I'm not worthy.
You are fine just the way you are.
My heart hurts just reading this... the unreasonable responsibility for a child to carry. I have this feeling with my SO, but i have dealt with it as an adult. I am so sorry you carried that burden in that tender age, and all these years since. You are worthy of love and acceptance. You are.
@MeMms, nearly 60 here and similar scenario. You're not alone, so many of us. Glad you're hear learning to be you. I have a similar memory ✌
You are not alone.
Hugs. Just hugs and hugs virtually❤❤❤
Insecure, sad, and small people- thank you for the validation
“Narcissist people only see what is relevant to them, useful to them, and good for them.”
She is scary good at imitating narcissists and how they talk! It's comical in a sad/creepy way.
That’s how growing up with my mother was.. not allowed to make a mistake. Even accidentally spilling food as a kid would unleash rage. She’s still like this even though I’m an adult.. if I don’t magically mind read the dark cloud sets it.
Mine too! Both parents, my grandmother, many relatives....no contact with many of them.
Same here until I learned to observe her responses instead of absorbing them.
🫂 I finally went "no contact" about 3+ years ago with my mother because I had it!
I had the same experience. Narcissists expect perfection.
My mother was like that too. Spilling the milk would have her to go into a rage.
Too right, they NEVER let you forget it if you make a mistake!
This describes my father. As long as he was happy no one or nothing else mattered. We walked on egg shells when he was having a bad day or in a bad mood. As kids my mom had to please him to keep the peace. We couldnt drink the milk because it was Dads milk. When you mentioned the car coming in the driveway you nailed it Dr. Ramani. We never knew what mood he would be in. As a child i grew up with fear and controlled by my dads needs and moods. Had to make sure i never upset him or disappointed him. I ended up having ulcers and anxiety. Every time he called my stomach went in knots and i had palpitations. Mom passed before him and i believe her stomach issues and illness was related to the horrible life she had with him. Thank you Dr Ramani.
May God heal you of your deep wounds that you have suffered, in Jesus' awesome Name! Amen!!
@@sparklegirl7544 thank you! God bless you ❤
He will eventually require help in his late life, and he has lost any obligation for you to help him. I refuse to help my narc mother in law (and father in law with anger management) bc they ruined our fairly tail wedding and newlywed months after getting married. They gave her diagnosable mental illnesses, and I will forever grey rock them when we see them, and I will do anything that fucks them over, even in the slightest. I've even begun to gaslight the narc, which is satisfying
I'm very sorry for ur loss 😢
You have nothing about a narcissist daughter!
6:33 That part about hearing footsteps coming up the stairs shook me to the core. I literally broke down into tears hearing you describe this. It's like I was put in a time machine and back in my room as a child. I remembered how my home felt like a prison and the prison gaurd was coming to bully me even if I've been a good inmate. I literally haven't cried about my narcissistic parents in YEARS. I have gone no contact with my mom and minimal contact with my dad. I put most of that behind me now and I have gone through the deconstruction and healing phases a long time ago. It just goes to show that this kind of trauma runs DEEP when you have narcissistic parents. It never truly goes away. 💔
When i cook for us in the morning. All i can think of while cooking is…Do it right..do it right…the way she wants it to be…you can do this…be quiet while cooking she might wake up..the when she wakes up is like she have a wole darth vader type feel its like, all is heavy..then out of the. Blue she will say whats keeping you too long? Its just a chicken.
I was raised to do all the things by myself cooking doing the dishes by myself all of it and im totally fine by it.
Basically i am used to when is do a task i fully commit do it all. When i say will cook for you will do it all the way up to doing the dishes.
But when she do the chores jts like leaving after a hurricane
I can relate about the hearing footsteps part. I'm finally at 47 yrs old allowing myself to listen to headphones or put the volume up on my Tv because I trained myself as a child to "Listen and be on alert for her noises ". Took years to allow myself background noise.
Plays havoc on our fight or flight and adrenals . Happy Healing guys 🙏❤️
My dad did that. But id watch my door and see his shadow and i felt so like worried cause i knew he was comming in. Hed mess around outside my room like he was working up to the fight. Also i think its why im a night person. It was the only time i felt safe and free enough to eat or shower. At night when they slept i felt like hey im free. They cant fight if they arent awake.
GodBless you ! & Nuture that inner child You deserve I had to become my own loving parent in Adulthood & yes it seems it never really ever goes away permanently but God & Jesus have healed alot of it for me
❤
They can also make you feel bad just with their energy and presence somehow miraculously…
I sometimes trigger people without saying anything. As I walk in or around someone they're in a bad mood. Hate to say it but that's not my problem when we are talking about grown adults that are more than capable of regulating their own emotions. I naturally am either neutral or happy. I guess that triggers some people. 🤷🏼♀️
I've been told I'm intimidating or have an RBF. Ok then, sure. I wear that then. 🤷🏼♀️🤣
A red flag I noticed but continued to experience without understanding was - a profound sense of confusion and negative feeling when I left their presence.
@@beverlyhogan3682 it's like you can literally feel their hateful dark energy whenever you walk around or by them ! sadly this is my mother that I have to deal with.
I just discovered the world is not actually narcissistic. Wow. Due to my upbringing by an extremely violent narcissistic mother and a narcissistic sibling (golden child) I used to fear interacting with other people always expecting them to judge me. I would always expect the worst outcome from everything. I was conditioned to look at everyone as competition. It amazes me now that the world is actually quite nice and most of the people are normal. Well, at least so much more normal and nice than my toxic family. Almost every day now, when dealing with other / random people in social situations I am surprised by things going much better than expected. It takes time to heal, and I’m nowhere near “done”, but I do believe it’s possible.
I think for me the narcissistic abuse has affected my judgement I no longer trust anyone even strangers and I feel always anxious and alert
I totally see what you mean. It's quite surprising when you are constantly surrounded by narcissistic people to find out that strangers are actually nicer and friendlier thanks those narcissists.
At first I was actually sad because it was people who you thought cared about you, and you find out that other people treat you far better than them 😅
@@logikgirl12 but society as a whole is narcissistic I mean men are walking around thinking they are superior due to the system of PATRIARCHY that feeds them this disgusting narcissistic narrative I don't like people anymore I get insulted everytime I walk out in public by strangers almost everyone is narcissistic and there is no safe space anywhere
I think most people these days seem to be narcissists. One thing is it takes time and close relationships to fully see through their masks. I'd love to find these good people too but like I keep coming across narcissists or borderlines. Every single girl I get close to has been one.. not sure where to find normal people at all
Once you find out how many things they're lying about or their cheating and etc... world looks crazy to me lol. But I see people show narc qualities the more I get to know them.
Of course strangers seem nicer than your narcs though because narcissists are often totally nice to strangers! Or people they are not close to
"We make mistakes on an hour by hour basis." Thank you!
I always thought that I was never allowed to make a mistake. If I made a mistake it was over. My friendships would end, my education was over, my marriages were over. I was no longer lovable. I was constantly surprised when the sun would come up the next day and the fact that when others made mistakes, their life went on. Their friends forgave and forgot. After a mistake I would feel ostracized, put myself in 😢self punishment. Now I notice mistakes are not the end. They are nothing. They are me being lovably human. Thank you so much. You are throwing lifelines to decent sensitive empathic people. I Love you!❤
I started a job not too long ago as a service tech, on the job training. Many many times Ive had coworkers have to tell me that making mistakes is ok and thats just how you learn. And just realizing at 30 that I need to be told this, and theres only one place it could have come from. Its like keeping yourself under a microscope, what if everything falls apart! Hope youre taking it easier on yourself.
Yes 75 yrs old and FINALLY I stumbled on to this INFORMATION. Struggling to LEARN quickly at this AGE how to exist around NARCISSIST that caused so much WRONG in my life and our children. Too Late!
Never 2late ,
It’s never too late! I’m 74 and recently widowed--it was like ‘waiting to exhale’!
The self doubt is the hardest to break. Boundaries are hard but in being these relationships is harder.
I literally have no sense of self at 52. mom was a narc. All narcs around me. Alone now and lost, but happier.
I didnt see the patterns at first, but when I did I noticed my behavior changing and being more like her. Gas lighting, guilt tripping, paranoid and blame shifting. I was losing my sense of self. I had to leave before it consumed everything I love about myself.
The thing is "IT" MAY NOT BE A MISTAKE, just an excuse to bring you low, make you feel small, or humiliate you--especially in front of those who may hold you in some esteem.
It's out of the blue...POUNCE is the tactic.
My mother and oldest brother bullied me this way. Everything had to be “perfect” or “right” the first time. This really affected me as an artist. I knew I had some natural talent but also understood that it needed to be developed. I could never open up in class because I was afraid of making a mistake and being humiliated in font of the class. I came to hate something that I was actually good at. I also failed at math for the same reason. I’m pretty good at math now, mostly because I allowed myself to practice.
I made the Dean’s List in college and I was in shock. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone that I was not a stupid person that just sail through getting the grades. My one and only Uncle told me that I would’ve never made it if it wasn’t for my Aunts help. I didn’t say a word to him. I thought what does she know about Business Law. From that day I just couldn’t look at him the same. My own mother was worse.
Fools who never enter the arena like to say they never made a mistake in the arena. No sh*t! You never even played the game. I can honestly say I have NEVER, EVER fumbled a football in the NFL. Big whoop! I never even played in the NFL so of course I never fumbled the damn football in the NFL.
Thanks for sharing! Keep up the great work and as an artist I can relate. I think your comment will help me as I just started painting again. Embracing mistakes and turning it into something beautiful!
@@cyndim8785 same here
Wow! Same here!
Omg this is exactly my mother .. the tunnel vision .. all of it. It gave me an eating disorder when I was a teen.
You talking about knowing when your parent gets home from work and having that anxiety build then hearing the car come in the driveway.. That just put me back in my high school bedroom.. wow
And to add.. I am diagnosed OCD, (c) PTSD, MDD, GAD SUD now and suffer extreme perfectionism lol
Dr. Ramani ... you are saving my life. As a young aspiring 18 year old, I was shinning and excited to take the world head on. I was teased by older coworkers in my finance job that "soon life will dim that light she has - look at her, she's still so young and hopeful.", but I wasn't convinced anything could stop me - until I met my narcissist at 23 years old. I am now 24 ... and I got out. Finding the right therapist would have been a potentially discouraging and very triggering journey. My light did not go out ... but it was for damn sure dimmed for those 15 months. To say the absolute least. You along with about 3 other TikTokers *saved* me and are bringing me back to life through your work. Adding fire back to the light that I've always had inside myself. Thank you.
You go gurl!!!!!
"No one will ever love you more than I do" is especially insidious when it comes from your mother. I heard this my whole life, and it made me grow up believing that love is overrated. If the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else treated me with such contempt, why should I expect to be treated better by anyone else?
Your comment has me in tears. My father always told me that, while he treated me like shit. Your conclusion was pure logical
I can relate. My father would tell me that he loved me, then go into a narcissistic rage later that day. I developed a fundamental misunderstanding of what constitutes love, leading me to become a love cripple.
My wife's parents said this after yelling at her for precisely 54 minutes 3 days after we got back from honeymoon because "she's the mother of the bride and she didn't feel special" among other things. My wife can't look at wedding photos because it makes her sad. Don't worry though, they will suffer the consequences of doing that to her for the rest of their lives, I'll make sure of it. It does make me mad to think about them taking that time away from us (3 months of post marital happiness roughly) but I don't let it ruin my days anymore. They created a blood feud with me by doing what they did, and I will get back at them, but I'll do so calmly and without rage. They will simply suffer the justified and fair consequences but I won't let that change who I am for the worse. They need help with something? Too bad. They want to meet their grandchild? Too bad, don't care. They want me to stop grey rocking them and go back to normal? Too bad, they will only ever get rudenes and or grey rocking for the rest of their lives.
Wow. How insidiously soul destroying.
Yes, and then in toxic relationships you think abuse is “love” because that’s what you learned!
I remember as a little girl, sitting in the pews at Church, (rarely) with our whole family. I recall sitting there like stone, like a statue. Frozen. Terrified to even shift my sitting position or hardly even breathe. Because if I did, I was terrified my Father would go into a rage after Church & I would be in trouble. Afraid to make ONE mistake. NOW, I don't care. Thank you Dr. Ramani for this video. Right over the target.🎯🎯🎯🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🔥🔥🔥©️
I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s sick how many people use church to make themselves look like good people while being awful in secret.
I knew a lot of fathers like that at a church I used to go as a kid. My Dad wasn't like that, but I felt bad for the kids who had a dad like that. I'm glad you've stopped caring about people's idiot opinions. If you living your life makes them mad, tough shit.
How odd. Just wondering if it was, like, a religious spirit or what....If you dont mind my asking, would you tell me was this only @ church? I mean your dad: He didn't display this rage after, for example, a movie theater or some other assembly? I mean to say he wasn't that way when your family went to visit other's homes assuming you were expected "to be seen & not heard" in public?
And usually no one intervenes, because the narcissists are so good at faking being great at their role. They love performing being a great parent / sibling etc, but once you’re alone with them - and, scene 🎬
@@agga10for real!!! My narc dad was a raging narcissist who was great at publicly portraying himself as a “caring, protective father” and everyone fell for it. I had no one to back me up for years because he was so good at making it look like I was an ungrateful child and that he was just “protecting” me. Ugh. Luckily, they can’t hold up their facade forever. My dad eventually started losing his ability to hold in his rage publicly and has burned a lot of bridges since then. People eventually see the truth. But it’s a painful process to have to deal with until then.
It's like they see the world as a hostile place where everyone is against them, so they must always make a preemptive strike. They are forever trying to build themselves up just so they can feel good about themselves, and they feel compelled to tear you down in the process. I have one rule of thumb to assure myself that I'm NOT the narcissist; I ask myself whether I have deep feelings of affection for others. Narcissists don't have these feelings because they are too filled with contempt for others. So if you genuinely have these feelings, you probably are NOT a narcissist.
Yesterday was mother's day. Even though I've honored their wishes and needs all their lives, at 77 I feel like an afterthought. Honor shmonor.
The kindest description I can give of one narcissist in my life is that she is a narcissistic bully with psychopathic tendancies.
One time a friend of hers watched her go off on a person in one of her bullying, raging, assaults and asked her "Why do you treat people that way?". The woman calmly responded, "Because it gets me what I want."
Don't get sucked into their rage storm. Don't get emotional. Dont get moved by their fury.
1) Stay calm.
2) Don't interact
3) Don't respond.
4) State that you won't put up with them treating you this way.
5) Walk Away....
6) Be prepared for a violent reaction
7) Run away, if you must.
8) Don't go back, if you choose.
9) But Never, Never Give Them What They Want.
That just rewards them for treating you horribly. And teaches them to repeat their bullying.
Ty for the advice
Being cheated on made me feel like my body had been fouled, and would never again be clean. Took a long time to change that. Being mocked and abused was nothing compared to that. Then I woke up and saw the light. I’m still recovering from that insanity, but dealing now with his grown child who is ten times worse than he ever was. So no. There’s no peace with these people. Ever. My physical health has taken a shit kicking from grief. I am forever enlightened by what I have learned on this journey though, and my mental health, although certainly battered throughout the years, has managed to stay strong. Not unaffected, but resigned to this reality. I’ll tell you one thing for sure. I really like the quiet, being away from insanity and mind games. I’ve become sweeter to myself in many ways too, trying to heal those heartaches and telling myself I gave it my best. At some point though I just surrendered to it all, completely and totally. Maybe that was the fight getting sucked right out of me. Radical acceptance was what happened, and that’s a really, really big feeling. Hang in there everyone.
I'm proud of you for getting out and treating yourself kinder.
I bow to you in humble gratitude , I felt every bit of that .
I’m so proud of you! ❤❤ sending you lots of peace vibes, you certainly deserve it.
Wow, my biggest childhood wound has been “I am not enough.” I’m grateful for the deep dive I’ve been able to undertake on the topic of narcissism, all thanks to your educational videos!
So true, that is why I live by myself, after 40 years of 2 different long term narcissistic abusive relationships plus numerous other family members I see on rare occasion. Now when I make mistakes, I show myself love so it helps me to do better. Finally now, I am learning to love myself in my 70’s but I live by myself now and I’m happy and content.
Same here you very sensible woman . Congratulations 👏
Me too 🎉🎉
Most people who watch your videos are probably here to learn more about a partner or family member, but this info is just as pertinent for narcissistic friendships. Just recently ended a long term narcissistic friendship and holy cow, I will never let another person have that kind of power over me! Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me the information I needed to understand what was happening and get out
You are absolutely spot on about the commandment to honor thy mother and father! I wrestled with that one for years before I finally walked away at 65 years old.
❤ thank you Doctor for getting in the weeds with this. You deserve a Nobel Prize for your work and passion for health, healing and wellness.
agreed x 1000!
It wasn't until my 40s that I finally realized that EVERYONE is figuring it out as they go along. NOBODY is an authority or expert on ANYTHING. Because everything is constantly changing and evolving. Hindsight is 2020, as always.
I needed to read this today. People are LITERALLY figuring out in ways their brain allows them to. A person like myself who cares, it gets frustrating but your message is a great reminder to let things be and allow people to find their own way.
Yes. I’m so grateful that narcissism awareness is gaining so much traction these past couple of years. There wasn’t much awareness at all when I was being raised by a narc mother then ended up with a narc first husband (of course lol). I just always felt that something was wrong without being able to put my finger on it. Thankfully I booted all the narcissists out of my life; and now I’m married to a wonderful, loving, normal man. I wish I had another mother, but at least I have a peaceful life now without her lies, gaslighting and hurtful comments.
Spreading awareness about this kind of dynamic and how it's not something you can "figure out", or reason with is so important. Thank you.
I am so glad I found your channel; I recently left a 5 year abusive relationship with a narcissist, which was very difficult. Sometimes I will start to miss him, but I have to remind myself that when I was with him I felt more alone than I do without him. Your words ring true and you are spot on about narcissists; my ex is the biggest hypocrite I know. I have been binging your videos because I need this daily dose of real truth to keep me going. Thank you, you are appreciated! 🙏😄
Stay strong! You’re much better off without him. Now you have room in your life for a loving non-narcissist normal partner one day. Take care of yourself first.
You keep nailing it and nailing it.
My mom and my ex.
You can do 99.9% perfectly, not for yourself of course, it was self preservation. Perfect is annoying.
They will always find the .01% error, which is subjective , of course, and that .01 will be all they ever considered. Mom can go 10, 20 years back to find it. She will resort to my three year old self.
I am surprised I didn't jump out of the womb with an Olympic gold medal and the theory of relativity to make her feel important. Wouldn't have mattered.
I remember showing her my work from architecture school.
She asked what grade I got.
Can't you just see the work.
It was best in class, only then did she like it. It was Her trophy.
They love trophies, don't they.
I have a funny story about that too, lol. Another time.
My mom told me my entire life that “I “ made “her” walk on eggshells, when it was totally the other way around. But she kept control of me for decades with those mind games 😳 She also told me, as a teenager that no one would ever want me & would laugh at different mistakes 🥺
Those are hard experiences to unwire. ❤
@@lilianfowler7988 but we’re supposed to make believe it’s a perfect family to outsiders and deny the truth
I hope you’ve found a way out. I have a totallt creepy and crappy mother too, sadly a lot of us do… They can’t be allowed to define us forever.
I get that from my mum all the time. She is also doing it to my daughter and we are stuck loving with her. Can't wait to get out
I totally feel your pain. I'm 44 now, and went no contact with my mother a few months ago as she kept behaving in that same toxic way she has been behaving in my entire life. I suffered from anorexia as a teenager and now I finally understand why. She even uses my suffering as the reason for her own misfortune in life (example: I'm in poor health because YOU had anorexia, it's all your fault). It's heartbreaking and tragic how a parent can behave like this towards their own children, regardless of age.
I hope you find your inner strength and love to heal from this trauma. Lots of 💕
They make you feel small to drain you of confidence which stops you leaving them.
Guarantees the source
I have been accused of being selfish or a narcissist when… I plan self care, say no, set boundaries.
I hear yah. My ex hated that I had a regiment and worked toward goals. She hated that I floss my teeth, hated where I live, and worked. She would gossip about other people but she was doing the same. I can't wrap my head around the insanity. Just a disturbing thought process.
Appreciate your sense of humor, "They tell you you're not enough, let's get that out of the way!" Yep❤
Eye opening I was in the doubt phase of realizing that I was in an abusive narcissistic relationship until I watched this video everything she said I’m going through!
I remember having SO little to talk about I became toxic. The only responses from the narc were if we were talking about drama in our family. I cried just wanting to have a normal, free flowing conversation.
You are so smart Dr Ramani. I thought my family was normal. This abandonment started when I was 3. I was dropped at the baby sitter's on Monday morning and picked up on Friday evening. I grew up feeling I was such a burden. n spite of learning how o say NO, I still feel like a burden. I felt children were nothing but work. So I denied myself the joy of having a roley polly bouncing baby. Sad! But I did give myself the joy of being a blessing to all the children in my neighborhood, when theirpsrents would allow it. Now 40 yrs later I still get some love from some of those kids. I just didn't want them to grow up feeling left out the way I did.
42:00 What can we do to combat internalized devaluation?
1) Work on identity, self-concept, and learning new ways to talk to yourself about yourself with a therapist. (If you don't have access to one, I like Patrick Teahan's channel. : - )
2) Spend time with people who see the good in you, who validate and value you.
3) Spend time doing things you enjoy and are good at since that can enhance your sense of self.
4) Find and reflect on the good things in you---make a list : - ).
5) Learn to correct your devaluing self-talk with a loud "No!"
You don't need to be perfect at these things or have a team of friends singing your praises. A little goes a long way, and it IS possible to fix devaluation one validating, kind word at a time. It just takes time and intention.
Pretty much anyone who worries that they may be a narcissist is NOT a narcissist.
Is that a fact, though? Yes I have been called a narcissist by a definite narcissist and yes, Dr Ramani, pretty much, described my, just ended, relationship. Nevertheless, I can recognise some of the described traits in myself too. So what I am wondering about is - does me wondering and worrying that I might be a narcissist, really make me not a narcissist. Not so sure.
She has said in a video that we do sometimes pick up narcissistic traits being in a narcissistic relationship to survive
Yea like a form of mirroring 🤔 survival mechanism
Lost everyone and every thing, including myself in divorce. Of all your videos, this one .. really hit home on all points. Thank you.
Going through this now and it's awful.
Me
It truly saddens me, after reading many many comments, the harm caused by narcissistic behavior. I wasn't aware of the magnitude of such cruelty. Kudos to all survivors, because in my book, you're really the strong ones. I appreciate this kind of video content. Although i didn't experience such trauma, this information is very useful, in the event that i have to confront a potential narcissist.
The insidious thing about how they make others feel small is how they sneak it in to conversations which makes it hard to spot, but over time accumulates and takes its toll. I wish I had recognized this at the time and been more watchful for that. Our family narcissist also really likes going out on Halloween dressed as Keith Ledger's 'Joker', the ultimate malignant narc. Hmmm.... revealing? I think so.
So well put, the sneaky method makes you question or gaslight yourself
I've literally been thinking on this exact thing that they do but not sure how to articulate it. That it's not an outright insult or belittlement or critique but their disapproval or disdain is definitely expressed in a way that borders and you just kind of take the sucker punch and keep it moving reeling a little bit like wtf. Sorry it's so frustrating that I'm still failing to adequately explain and it's kind of eating at my nerves lol
Wow! I feel so seen! When I was a kid, I always hid when I heard my mom's car pull into the driveway. I felt guilty about hiding from her, too. An exchange student who lived with us said they also hid, which felt validating that I wasn't the only one having this flight reaction.
I hid under the stairs…I cleaned it all up and made a really cool Den ☝️😅
I would hide in the basement! My mother always came home from her job in a completely foul mood. She’d complain of having a headache then would yell at anyone who was nearby. So I made myself a fort in the furnace room, and I would hide there to read my books.
My narc mom took away my lightbulbs once because I enjoyed reading at night. I was scared of the dark so I'd lay there and almost pee the bed because I was too scared without my lightbulbs.
'One mistake leads to rejection': perfectionism, COPD. So well explained.
I really appreciate the way you give personal examples of the behavior patterns and the language narcissist's use. You have this personality pattern down to a science. Thank you for your work. It really helps so many of us out here!
Listening to you is like watching a movie of my life, past incidents, but with an explanation. Thanks for all the work you do. 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
I have married two narcissists. I walked away from both. First one of 23 years, the second one as 10 years. I have often wondered what about ME was attracted to these individuals.
After listening to your videos, I realized my mother was a narcissist. Thank you.
I have been told it’s only the strong that are able to get out of these relationships. I’ve wondered about that because I’ve never thought I was very strong because of the abuse I have taken in this life. I have been single for over 15 years and would love to have a healthy man in my life. I have to admit I fear getting into another bad relationship. Thank you for all the information you share. It has helped me tremendously.❤❤❤
Non-narcissist guy here. I'll pass the test real quick...it's possible that I AM an unknowing narcissist. I love to learnb I am wrong though, and it happens all the time. When I find-out I am wrong about a particular thing, I have just found BETTER UNDERSTANDING. One less mistake in my thinking.
Anyways...I have been being told by the females that I have pursued romantically in the last few years that I am TOO NICE a lot. I'm currently pretty-much un-dateable, as the series of rejections in sequence has left me in a bad place...legitimately needy. I swear, before this gauntlet of rejection, I was very much emotionally mature, considerate, reasonable and loving. A bit of a people pleaser, I come from a place of being a bit over accommodating in the name of having a good time, sure. I am NOT a chump or a simp though, and have well-developed self respect...Long-story short...I have been called TOO NICE by several many girls now. So maybe if you see some TOO NICE, it may be the thing to look at and explore more. If I could find a gal who liked me and was TOO NICE....I guess that would be a TOO NICE life! Sounds really nice to me.
I have seen the girls who have called me "too nice", several of them, chase "assholes" and guys that have apparent anti-social qualities...It seems, predictably, to NOT WORK-OUT! Go figure!
You are a people pleaser and you are a carer and giving and kind. That is what they like.
Well it only took ten years to get out of the second one, versus 23 for the first. That's progress!
My latest bad relationship was about a year. Had it not been for Covid, and him living with me and nowhere to go, maybe it could have been shorter.... (The stalking and harassment added another year and a half onto it. I held my ground, no contact and all that, but he held on too, --like a barnacle! Thank God for the Criminal Justice system.) Previously, it was 10 years. So, let's say we're going in the right direction. Now let's steer clear of them totally.❤
I went out with 2 for 5 years i ended up calling them on there behaviour twice and both discarded me and the one had cheated 3 times i
Allowed him to do it 😊
Oh my gosh. Dr. Ramani, have you been watching my life? Eerie how precisely you can describe my experience! Thank you for validating that experience and letting me know I am not alone!
I feel like my entire reality has been splayed out before me. For years, I've been treated by some of those closest to me based on one mistake I made days, weeks, months or even years ago. Albeit I haven't been a perfect individual, but there is literally no reason for them to judge my whole being based on one mistake I made, except to keep me in a box that makes them feel more powerful. And even when I behave in ways that would dispel their negative conceptions about me, how they treat me, and view me doesn't change. Thank you for helping me to realize that everything I've lived is not fake!
The social media part was so spot on. I’m expected to not be upset by him following scantily clad women young enough to be his granddaughter. It’s disgusting. I m hoping I can find a way out
Yes....males are allowed to lust.... because they love to say, they are wired that way.... ridiculous.
I hope you can too.... when my ex left, he took everything....I've been poor ever since....but I would not go back for all the tea in China
During the marriage to the narcissist, he showed me a picture of his mistress of many years, expecting me to go into a rage. I looked at the picture and he kept saying David, his best friend introduced him to her. I had 3 children with him. I actually didn't want to be near him, I walked away before coming undone. I realized I had fallen out of love with him anyway. One woman is never enough for narcissist's . I divorced him after the kids grew up a more.moved 2500 miles away from him. So cruel & Toxic he was. Makes me sick to my stomach how he treated me. Took me years to get over it,which I really never did. Anyone who is mean,abusive,contemptuous, red flags, I will block them in many ways. NO & I don't care are the two things that kills them. I still have Empathy for the right people. That surprises me because all I had been put through.
Thank GOD.🌿❤️🌿
I can't remember anyone saying that I am narcissistic, but I've thought it of myself. I'm 63 and grew up with Narcissistic family, they have ostracised me. Growing up I had many boyfriends, friends and 2 husbands that were narcissistic - you know what I mean. I doubted myself and thought there was something seriously wrong with me, until my trauma therapist explained why this happens. I don't trust myself to choose people to come in my life that are not to be narcissistic. At my age I just couldn't cope with one more narcissistic in my life. Not a conscious thought, but I closed myself off from people and live like a hermit in isolation. Thank you for help Dr.R, love your work.
This is phenomenal. I felt so alone, like I was actually going insane. The way my ex made me feel for 5 years; it’s as if these videos are based off her behavior personally.
Yeah it’s amazing how all narcissists act the same way…. They’re literally empty, miserable shells of humans.
I FOOLED my narcissistic family system, I was born into a severely narcissistic family system with a disability it was an unwritten rule growing up and (from day one I was thought of by everybody as "stupid"). So when I had finally HAD ENOUGH and actually STOOD UP FOR MYSELF, I guess that blew them out of the water, just for the fact that they would typically I I WOULD fall for all their baiting (not knowing any differently) I would go back into the relationship. Even though yes I did lose everybody, HAVING THEM OUT of my life my BRAIN WORKS SO MUCH because I'm not under constant stress. Don't get me wrong I grieve for that family every single day (well two people in particular).
Have to take care of your self 1st. 💖
@@nmc1859 I realized that last year.
This! The brain working easier is a real thing! I feel you. It's been similar for me since choosing to walk out. My brain is at ease and functions like it's supposed to.
@@anushashashidhar7087 I thought I was the ONLY ONE! ☺☺☺☺
I literally love you so much and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the knowledge and advice you spread. You gave me the assurance i needed to finally leave. They made me feel CRAZY. and say things like “did you take ur meds today?” When I’d cry because of the way they treated me. I was so gas lit I literally felt crazy. I was isolated I didn’t have anyone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy EXCEPT FOR YOU 🙏
This hit hard. I was dating a cover narcissist (before I knew) when I had a TBI.
I can't emphasize enough how maddening this was while I was also slowly recovering from an unreliable memory and numerous other symptoms.
I escaped that relationship even though it cost me dearly, but it's still ultimately "better" to be away from her.
You nailed my sister in the first six minutes. My sister would take things that I said very personally. She would even take something I posted on FB personally even though it had nothing to do with her. She also would take things I divulged about my life and use it against me. So I started not telling her anything about my life and kept conversations mundane. I blocked her on FB, too. What did she come back with? I was being selfish because I didn't share information about myself. She said that I was being guarded and didn't trust her. It was like "Tell me you're a narcissist without telling me you're a narcissist." These are just some things she has done. I could write a book about all the crap I've had to put up with when it came to her. Been no contact three years now.
My daughter does that and she’s a narcissist (she was groomed by my narc ex-h) I had to shut down all my social media accounts because both of them monitored all my activity and would rage and complain about every picture or word I posted, even though it had nothing to do with them. My ex-husband had his crazy lawyer on speed dial over every little thing until a judge declared him a vexatious litigant and he had to pay for my legal fees. That permanently put an end to the legal issues. But not the constant smear campaigns.
People who ask "am I the problem?" Whatever the problem is, generally aren't the problem. Because these people don't ask those questions. Does that make sense?
100%
They are CONVINCED of their own superiority 100% of the time despite all evidence to the contrary. They abuse, lie, cheat, rape, and call themselves GOOD.
My ex and I lived in a huge house that his parents bought for him. I would clean it top to bottom, and he would start moving everything around the way "he" wanted things, even though I hadn't moved anything, just cleaned. Then the rage.
I’ve been in a marriage for 5 years and my ex-girlfriend have both called me a narcissist. For a minute I thought so. After educating myself I realized that I was not but both of them were amazing. Your description of a narcissist and their behavior is spot on! They were both extremely beautiful and used sex, guilt, manipulation and extreme gaslighting. It almost worked. It’s the absolute most horrific thing a human can do to another.
Omgosh! The shelves! It brought back a FEAR I thought I was over! WOOOOW! That intense feeling as you spoke thru the narcissist made me cower back😥😓😭
I cannot express how grateful I am this was today's topic because I finally told my family it really hurts my feelings when they negatively comment on my appearance and getting nothing but "Well you took it the wrong way." My remaining family members are not narcissistic (my father and one sister were), but the marks they made on all of us run so deep that I cannot handle any talk about my appearance and they can't understand why it would be upsetting to be told my skin looks awful since I should be used to it and they're just concerned. Having compassion for each other as fellow victims of narcissistic abuse is so important, and I hope for all of us going through it that we are the last veterans of the narcissistic war of modernity. Much love and many prayers sent everyone's way 🙏 ❤️
I feel for you on this. I experienced the same from my narc mother. Your hair is too long, your nails are too long, you’re fat, you’re too skinny…are you sick?, you need to moisturize your neck & chest you’re getting wrinkles, your hair should be such & such a color, that outfit makes you look fat, that outfit looks terrible on you, you’re wearing that? Oh the list goes on & on. Very tough having any bit of self confidence when the person that is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader is always tearing you down. I’m no contact now 💜
Buy some pocket mirrors and hand them out. Use your smile and laughter to heal from that nonsense. Be beautiful, Beautiful!💕💖🖖
I understand the feeling. I have a narc parents and in laws. My in laws fat shame my husband, and even started dog whistling to criticize my crooked teeth 😥
You are beautiful, and self aware enough to see right through them...and they HATE it!
@@Stardustpal25 hehe that made me laugh. I have someone in my family that likes to dish out the insults and if I say anything he accuses me of being too sensitive / a snowflake…I could have used a hand mirror on many occassions😂
WoW that part on being mistreated and mocked by family and siblings and peers just defined my entire childhood and brought so much knowledge to me and myself today!!!!!
Same
I didn't question the validity of my narcissistic mother's abusive rhetoric when I adopted her beliefs as my own at the age of 6. A self-destructive soundtrack impenetrable by compliments or praise has been playing on repeat in my head for 40 years leaving the door for abuse and mistreatment wide open. Until one day in Jan 2021 when I heard Dr. Ramani talk about narcissistic abuse. That was the last time I heard my mother's faulty perceptions echoing in my head. Healing isn't linear but giving myself a chance to take care of myself, love myself and forgive myself for the pain is worth it. ❤
Michele BRAVO! 🙌🏼💪🏼👏🏻Super proud of you!!!
@@annechen103 Your kind words of support made me smile. Thank you! 😊
Yes we need her on the noahs ark. She knows her stuff. Her a couple others can really save a person from possibly suicide or self destruction. I wish i knew of her after I had my only child & his alienating king narcissistic dad. I didn't even know such type of person, was a thing, especially in multiples. O really tried and tried, never felt love never felt a connection. Yet it was all me I suddenly broke his heart it's over. Legally kidnapped and refused to answer the phone for years. Did I miss something. Did I break his heart, maybe he did love me. No
Same here. It took about 40 years for me to say to her, "I'm living your life!" After I sought therapy, I realised that I had no idea who I was. Now, about a decade later, I grieve for that child and young adult who lost years of her life.
@@rtphotos4691 ❤️ I can relate.
This morning my narc neighbor asked if I had some wooden shelves for him. He’s busy making a cupboard at home. I know he has a lot of wooden material at his place but still he asked me for it. I gave it to him while standing at my frontdoor and he happened to beat my blooming flowers with it. The flowers are now on the street. This is what you get helping a narc. I experienced it before that narc also ruin blooming flowers either in my garden or in front of my house. I love gardening so I have a lot of blooming flora around me. That’s why it happened quit often. What I picked up from your video this time is: don’t consider yourself being paranoid. Listen to your guts. They are also right. Narcs will do everything to ruin the things you love and call it an accident. They do it on purpose, specially if you help them wholeheartedly. As punishment. They don’t thank you for helping them out. They punish you.
Karma says woof to Remi. ❤️🌹💋
My therapist said that after she’s explained to me that my parents were narcissistic and they gave me bad messages about me, it’s my choice to feel bad and I’m the one who chooses to feel bad. I’ll take your advice, Dr Ramani, it feels very supportive and practical. Thank you! ❤
Yes great point. I can choose to feel good about myself instead falling into feeling bad because of how I was trained when growing up!❤
After living with a narcissist who constantly berates you, just telling you that the narcissist was wrong does NOT set you free to choose whether to feel bad about yourself. It's just NOT that simple. Your therapist was wrong. It's not a switch you can turn off at will. Sure, it's a relief to find out that they, not you, were the problem, but your insecurity runs deep. It might take years for you to sort out the feelings and pain within yourself and, hopefully, become self-confident again, but it will come.
What errant bs, framing the effects of narcissistic abuse as a matter of choice, as a conscious process, thoughts, emotions and beliefs you're "choosing"! I would run from that therapist! Please don't let yourself be emotionally and cognitively abused by such a "therapist" any more.
@@marykennedysherin3330Don't be fooled by that vapid language of "choice". It may help you feel empowered for a short while, but it's deeper effect will leave you feeling guilty and ashamed when you realize you can't just "choose" to "rise above" years of abuse and the way it's shaped your psyche.
@@vaska1999 thank you! I stopped seeing her because I walked away feeling worse about myself than when I came. It was a big step after lots of comments like that one from her. The act of saying no to seeing her felt kind of empowering although disappointing. It’s crazy how a therapist can be abusive too
This video is SO incredibly validating. Some of your examples were exactly what I had experienced, verbatim. I've reached a place where I can recognize how unbelievably cruel they were/are and know I did nothing to deserve such treatment. Thank you!
Doc if I lose this fight with myself I want you to know you helped me get closer to the good ending.
Hang in there!
Please, " don't lose the fight" ! Empower yourself. Go back and listen to a Dr. Ramani video once a day and then journal for yourself. She is phenomenal! She is better than 1:1 therapy. You can heal yourself if you pay attention and work her videos, she gives you all the tools! She is a gift 🎁 from God!
@@theresediaz8230 Shes an amazing human being. But I think I’m the narc and I don’t think I can have the life I want and I feel like Im destroying myself and if what I think is coming is coming then I just want to face it and die. I sense my life coming to an end. I think this was the plan all along and I’ve nothing to show for it. My heart cannot take this and I don’t think I can do this alone anymore and I question my sanity and judgment constantly. My empathy is broken and my anxiety is through the roof and I just wish I knew what is going on and I’m not sure Im going to ever find out. My impulsiveness is literally killing me anyway and I don’t have anyone to turn to or trust. Its all my fault and death would be mercy. Im not even sure Im worth helping and I can’t talk myself into being positive about anything anymore. I don’t even dare to dream. Im just waiting for the shoe to drop.
@@xXNoMoralzXxThis is not the end ❤
Chilllove ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
F#%* Those Narcs. Somebody loves you, know that😘 “it’s lonely at the top” sometimes…
Yes, I was told I was narcissistic by a family member narcissist, gaslighting me. I was able to negate her statement. She still tries in other ways. I refuse to interact with her today.🎉
OMG, you hit a nerve! That is a perfect description. The whole panic and clean up instinct that STILL haunts me today. I have a Pavlovian reaction to the sound of garage door opening, even when it's just my kiddo coming home from school!
My dad is a Narcissist and my mom is an enabler and has her own narcissistic tendencies. Your videos are a guiding light and have helped 😊
My dad would point at homeless people and say that would be me. He would compare me to my younger sister who is the golden child and has exceeded in academics since a very young age. I cannot see the same for myself. I grew up, feeling dumb and slow, but I realized I can speak five languages I can play for instruments. I’m in college to study mycology, ethnomycology, and environmental science so I can rehabilitate my peoples land and preserve our culture and knowledge