The EARLY WARNING SIGNS You're Dating A Narcissist & How They FOOL YOU! | Dr. Ramani
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
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On Today's Episode:
Do you casually throw a narcissist label on people simply because they were unkind, harsh, or brief with you? How do you know if a person is truly narcissistic or just experiencing emotions or a situation that hasn’t been communicated? In this episode of Women of Impact, Lisa Bilyeu speaks with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, best-selling author, expert of narcissism and so much more. Dr. Ramani and Lisa go deep into the world of narcissism. Together they walk you through a complete journey to getting a better understanding of the narcissist, their motivators, and how you may be allowing yourself to be the victim. Dr Ramani begins with the 6 types of narcissistic behaviors and teaches you what the narcissistic game is and how you can play to win by removing yourself or taking responsibility for staying.
Order Dr Ramani’s book, “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” www.amazon.com/Dont-You-Know-...
Check out Dr. Ramani's Podcast "Navigating Narcissism" here!: apple.co/3nrjnTL
SHOW NOTES:
Define | Dr. Ramani explains what a narcissist is. [3:52]
Grandiose | Dr. Ramani defines the classical grandiose narcissist [3:53]
Covert | Dr. Ramani defines the covert narcissist [4:34]
Malignant | Dr. Ramani defines the malignant narcissist [5:01]
Communal | Dr Ramani defines the communal narcissist [5:35]
Neglectful | Dr Ramani defines the neglectful narcissist [6:10]
Self Righteous | Dr Ramani defines the self-righteous narcissist [6:42]
Insecurity | Dr. Ramani explains the relationship between narcissism and insecurity
Pathological Insecurity | Dr. Ramani explains the difference between Pathologically insecure and conventionally insecure [8:30]
Misconceptions | Dr. Ramani talks about the misconceptions of narcissism [11:02]
Relational Responsibility | Dr. Ramni explains the responsibility of respect, empathy and clarity[17:07]
Not Changing | Dr. Ramani explains what to do when they are not going to change [19:41]
Red Flags | Dr. Ramani reveals red flags to look for [20:40]
Rules of Three | Dr. Ramani breaks down rules of engagement with narcissistic people [21:00]
Wanting is Fine | Dr. Ramani explains it is okay to want what you want, but accept truth [23:22]
Devaluing Yourself | Dr. Ramni explains about devaluation of yourself dealing with narcissist [24:14]
The Game | Dr. Ramani reveals the narcissist's game [25:15]
Avoid the Trap | Dr. Ramani explains how to void the narcissistic trap [26:00]
Abandonment Issues | Dr. Ramani reveals narcissist have abandonment issues [26:30]
Holding Safe Space | Dr. Ramani explains holding space when you’ve hurt someone [28:25]
Communication | Dr. Ramani explains narcissistic people shut the lines of communication [29:45]
Conversations | Dr. Ramani talks about having conversations when you’ve been shut out [31:17]
Identify Narcissism | Dr. Ramani explains how important it is to identify these behaviors immediately [31:58]
Charisma | Dr. Ramani explains the connection between charismatic people and narcissist [32:28]
Changing a Narcissist | Dr. Ramani reveals her thoughts if narcissists can change their rigid behavior [37:17]
Men vs. Women Narcissists | Dr. Ramani explains social impact on behaviors that impact narcissistic behaviors in men and women [42:07]
Raising Kids | Dr. Ramani shares tips how to raise children to not be narcissistic [44:17]
QUOTES:
“With a narcissistic person, the earlier you leave the easier it is to extract. [...] The problem is, early in the game, the narcissist doesn’t like to lose, so they will try to suck you back, they will try to hoover you back, and that is very seductive” [25:17]
“You are disrespecting yourself staying in this conversation, and it’s just going to get more abusive, so there is no way forward.” [31:48]
“Charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone that someone wears when they don’t take a shower, it’s probably covering up something else” [32:28]
“No one gets made a six month old baby for crying, [...] a narcissist wants to be treated like a six month old, have their tantrums, and still have people snuggle them afterwards.” [38:42]
FOLLOW Dr Ramani Durvasula:
Website: doctor-ramani.com/
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What was your favorite insight that Dr. Ramani shared?
Literally all of them. She is absolutely incredible! So knowledgeable and has helped me personally SO much. I could never thank her enough x
Liked this before even watching - i love that you got her on your show! She's a godsend and a blessing and is helping so many people with her work, myself included. Can't wait to watch this discussion now 😊🙏💓
I want more of her! I could listen to her for hours...she is so calming!
@@cascade00 that's a strangely patronising comment to make about someone who clearly knows her own boundaries based on a tonne of lived experience... 🤔
That you can ask for clarification if a person critisize you .At times I just shut down and get sort of overwelmed in my personal relationships .Like it is a catastrophe and they don't love me .This will keep me more grounded and objective I think.And it will be easier to listen and understand exactly what they mean, intended and wanted with what they say.
Narcissists don’t get better. They get worse and worse. When you see what they are, plan quietly and run.
Agreed with you 100%, the more you stay with a narcissist, the more she/he become worse and worse.
Is this something you’ve read or experienced? Can you explain why you’ve said this?
@@annd1411 , stupid me. I married TWO of them-almost was killed by number 2. I askedGod to show me what to do to keep safe. Two days later a lady at work gave me the book titled BOUNDARIES. Now I’m with a normal, sweet good man!
@@jolesliewhitten6545 you were not stupid. I dated one and hit dumped a week before wedding - thank God first bullet dodged in 2019, that one was grandiose. Then second one was a covert narc navy officer who ghosted me. He’d been with a grandiose narc. Both narcs so they lasted a while than the 1.5-2yr mark the narc has had with everyone else. I called myself stupid too but no we were not. We were kind, compassionate, caring, feeling human beings who know how to love, to give more, to out others needs into consideration and we are capable of building deep meaningful relationships with normal people. So not stupid at all. We did not know. Narcs are clever especially the covert use and discard types. God discards them out of our lives, these narcs don’t discard us. So we are healed. We move on with blessings. So sad the narcs are stuck in their loops especially the covert narcs and they try to hang around the rich and more entitled just so they feel good about themselves. There is no value or morals or ethics. So please you are a caring good person! Be aware and run away from narcs, heal and live and thrive well ❤️
@@artsmadz1427 , I’m so GLAD you are safe and free. Blessings on your life, Kind Lady!
My ex-husband yelled, “What about you? What about what you did?” What I did was react to his bad behavior in the relationship.
I get it.
@@BlessedWithEight thanks
@Sag deine Meinung auch pol it still hurts because I had a whole future planned with him. He was my husband and like most people in relationships with children you dream of the time you can spend with your spouse when the kids grow up.
So classic! My ex continued to pretend that he was actively seeking sobriety and going to AA meetings but the reality was that he really had never embraced sobriety completely and had kept his options open but he liked to look as though he were trying to be sober or was sober. He basically used those AA meetings as a social activity for himself and occasionally pursued other women there. After years of so-called relapsing which was really nothing more than him giving himself permission to drink again, and again, and again, and disappearing for 3 weeks into a drunken stupor and not communicating with me pretty much every other month, I finally called him out on it and his lies which he continued to tell. At which point he immediately said, and this is great, well anyone who is drunk and faces a barrage of questions (I had only asked him 2 questions both to which he lied) is going to lie including me. Then he promptly added, and you're not all that perfect either! That was the straw that broke this camel's back! After five years of putting up with his BS I was done! I will never give anyone else that much of my life. At the first red flag I'm gone
@@tajipershard257 I hear you. Similar feeling here. Sending light, peace of mind and clarity your way.
When you are called "too sensitive" that IS gaslighting, period - it is an attempt to invalidate your experience. Everyone is allowed to feel whatever they want, to be as sensitive as they want. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are too anything!
As someone who is called too sensitive often, I think it's still important to keep in mind NOTHING is black and white. There are times when my experience is invalidated; there are other times when I'm being irrational and need the tough love to put my big girl pants on. Having emotional maturity isn't the patriarchy , although sometimes I do have to tell my boyfriend he can't have his disrespectful military crassness when communicating with me :)
@@canecorsomom2023If every gesture or statement triggers someone then that's taking everything personally. It isn't sensitivity or being overly sensitive that's the problem. It's taking everything personally that's the issue.
So called friends and family have said this to me. They just don't get how to be kind. I refuse to associate with ppl who minimize your feelings and have no empathy or understanding. You DON'T KNOW what others have gone through, so just be kind. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU EITHER!
.
True. There is a big difference between taking offense easily and being a sensitive caring person feeling hurt while needing to ask why someone is behaving badly.
Had a friend who was female who would say your too sensitive when she was being a b but visa versa she was Soo sensitive ...she's married with 3 kids....men seem to respect her personality type more see it as intelligent...not deceptive
One clear behaviour is that when they hurt you they tell you that you are overreacting and emotional and turn it around and act like they are the victim because of how you reacted.
Exactly
True. I had demons of my own and things gotten physical in our arguments because he laid his hands on me before and he always used to throw it in my face. How crazy and unstable I am. I even started therapy and attending anger management all the while he landed in jail for beating our neighbor to a pulp.
Or they told u is a joke
Yep
So true. My narc-ex would always tell me I choose to be sad when he made me cry with his hurtful words and treatment.
Empaths need to be super wary of narcissists because they are manipulative takers that take advantage of kind empathic givers.
We attract narcissists.
@@chefnic4763 true but we need to still be wary and protect ourselves from them with boundaries and other things.
@@ARD7177 Absolutely
Narcs prey on us empaths. Be discerning and continue to be educated on these topics as well as gaslighting.
This explains so much. Wow. I'm an empath to the very core of me. Especially with animals and nature. I had dated a very violent narcissist.
common trait of narcissism both male and female is they are quick to mock and pinpoint people's physical flaws! This really enrages me to the core.
I have come to appreciate their poisonous nature.. they just tell you very clearly( infact yell at top of their voice)that they are extremely unhealthy ppl to be around n tht you should stay away from them.
💯👏👏👏
@@shubhisharma4261 my ex told me in the beginning he was not normal and messed up in the head, I should have listened to him then I would not have ended up in a relationship with a narcissist. I finally came to my senses and ended it but what a roller coaster ride!
My ex started to lay the groundwork for devaluing me on my physical appearance very early in our relationship. I'd lost weight and he lightly commented that it looked great as to be honest the first thing he'd originally noticed about me was that my legs were too thick 😳 that set the stage. I then lost tons of weight through profound ill health and then I was 'hot' to him. Then I put on 6lbs and he told me 'I preferred you they way you used to look'. Of course when I brought this up he was 'joking' later on I put back on all the weight I lost and because of these two very intentional comments I was utterly paranoid he thought I was unattractive. Needless to say positive comments on my appearance ceased. I ended up with a very disordered attitude to my body and food from this that took literally years to get over. They know exactly what they are doing and saying, they know exactly how to undermine your self confidence.
Oh I got a better one how about when they say you are their type and they love you’re body only to go with someone the complete opposite of you and in fact a huge step down. They don’t always use words sometimes it’s actions to purposely hurt you.
Narcissists think that they are never wrong. They think that the issue or issues are always someone else. They will never give in. So, if you have a tendency to self reflect and think that it could possibly be your fault, you will always take the blame and the responsibility., they will push the blame to you.Then the cycle begins. They blame and you take all of the responsibility. So sad.
This breaks us down. It breaks down our boundaries and our self esteem.
Yes ♥️
They are big projectors and spin doctors too, I should have seen it first day. I was told about him, I chose not to believe, big mistake
So True. I experienced that!😧😬😲😣😵😢😈💔
YES!
@@teresewoltz8627 me as well
Once you survive narcissistic abuse you can survive anything 💯. Set your boundaries and NEVER allow someone to disrespect you. ❤ Mine was a religious malignant and the key was moving too fast, pushing and overly sensitive to criticism or given a NO. If someone reacts badly to a no or disagreement from you but says you are their soulmate from the beginning stages RUN. This 3 month relationship had me in therapy for a year because of the mind F of it. Do YOUR inner work.
I once knew a religious narcissists and she was insane with tons of failed relationships romantically and platonic.
1.5 yrs. I had to get away...the mind F is real girl.
Same! Stayed for a decade because many people( his religiousfamily) that I thought I could trust was gaslighting on behalf of the narcissist. I'm just glad that when I finally went to a religious leader in my church did he tell me to go because of abuse. Best decision of my life!
So glad you got out! Just ended a year long nightmare with mine...he is also a religious malignant who dragged me through sexual, physical, and emotional abuse...he even beat up our beighbor and is now facing jail time. I am so sorry I have ever allowed him into my life.
@@fatcatontario So sorry you had to go through that. I ended a year long with a woman that I couldn't believe she was truly like this. She kept saying she was hurt from her last relationship and give her time. She kept getting worse, minimizing, devaluing, and gaslighting. I finally realized she only cared for the love I gave her, not me. I survived but its tough.
“Education about Narcissism is so important”🎯🎯🎯💜
Yes, to be able to spot it immediately when you notice it in the future. Can also go down a rabbit hole with video after video or book after book😯
Had I known about
narcissism. I would
had made better
choices.
@@kimgibbs6585 Better late than never. But I agree it is a blessing to have so much information available nowadays :)
@th-cam.com/video/ve0q62r_wuA/w-d-xo.html
This behaviour almost finished me through my husband
I’m in middle of trying to escape my malignant narcissist husband. The abuse is terrible, especially when he makes everyone think you’re crazy. I don’t care anymore if ppl think i’m nuts, i getting out and not looking back.
Good for you ❤ I was in a on off relationship for a decade with a narcissist. His actions convinced me no one would want me but now im with the most wonderful, thoughtful and kind man, something I thought wasnt possible in real life, certainly not for me. You'll never know unless you leave.
@@ThornyRoseV This gives me so much hope. 💞
Please do as quickly as you can!!
While you’re waiting to escape don’t share his yuckie bedroom. Get your own and lock the door.
I hope you are doing well. Love to you 💖🥰💖
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Set boundaries. If they break them with no regard to your feeling then there ya go !
Exactly. And understand there is NO GOING BACK. A narcissist never gains insight or responsibility. They just continue throwing knives in your back.
I should of done that . Hard when you think you are in love with someone who isn't being real with you
Dr. Ramani is EVERYTHING!!!!!! She helps so many people who have or are experiencing narcissistic abuse. She has created a safe space for people to be heard. And she gives us so much information about the red flags to watch out for. I adore her!!!!❤️
I wish there was more about that then trying to understand why they are the way they are. More about their abuse is what I wanted to hear.
I agree. She is my saving grace😇✨
I have relationship with malignant narcissist which I am planning to get ride of him wish me luck
@@haweyorashid3839 My prayers to you. Keep strong. Much Love.
@th-cam.com/video/ve0q62r_wuA/w-d-xo.html
"Secure people don't lash out constantly at others"
I lash out on people who have bad intentions, are manipulative, hidden agendas, want to make use of me, damage me or my son or our dog.
The acumulation of fuckery that happened during my entire life made me lashing out, because i detect people with toxic behavior. I am done with 95% of people. I just can not deal with people like that anymore. Hole my life i was abused, used, conned, deceived, robbed by people, 100 traumatic experiences. My lufe is ruibed by people. I was a very sensitive child. Feeling everything...The suffering of people. A giver. Empathetic to the core, shy, easy manipulated and used. Now, i am a hard sarcastic, cynical person. I am losing my empathy for people. Only my love for animals is left and the only thing that matters.
But yes, i lash out as soon i realize somebody is fucking with me again. I am shocked how many people have shitty characters. They are everywhere. I am suffering with CPTSD. I am on invalidity long time ago and people use and abuse me anyway. They just would use even dead bodies.
Bless you.
She did say very few people fall into that category. I definitely do not. As mentioned with a previous commenter, I lash out typically if I'm triggered by someone's toxic behavior (been in too many abusive situations). I've had a few psychologists tell me to look into borderline personality disorder, aka "I've been through some f*ed up things disorder" is how one of those docs called it.
@Victoria Bergman I'm definitely learning that no one is entitled to anything that is boundary-violating to me. Had to learn how to set healthy boundaries and how people react to that is not my responsibility, which was initially hard being a recovering people-pleaser
@Victoria Bergman couldn't agree more
One thing I weirdly love about Dr. Ramani is how her hair is always kind of a mess. It feels comfortable to me in a way, like you're talking to a wise aunt who just woke up but you're her #1 priority to help.
Same!!
I'm not sure she will truly appreciate that "compliment"..😅
Lmfao I love this simile
Not a mess, just normal hair that has not been professionally styled and created for effect. :-)
She is so real and beautiful
The part about how the narcissist’s motivation for change is because of their own emptiness versus the hurt they caused someone else is huge!!!
yes! huuuuuuge!
I'm not sure how true that is, I was horribly narcissistic in active addiction, In horribly toxic relationships, but my desire to change was because I became everything I hated in the world, and my mother growing up was horribly codependent and narcissist, absent father, completely dysfunctional family, and i don't want my kids to go through what we went through, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so im on an inner healing journey, taking accountability, and trying to actively be a better person. I don't know much about this narcissism stuff or empaths or what but I'm grateful for learning about this stuff, being able to identify with these things and hopefully have healthy relationships in the future.
"A good way of putting it, is not sensitive to criticism; they are hyper reactive to criticism" @ 14:40
I would agree that they're hyper reactive, but I disagree regarding the lashing out as that may not be how they choose to react. In fact, they can be very calm and express no emotions, especially when you're gushing about how they violated you. They'll resort to other means of retaliation which involve a more traditional method, their classical manipulation, gaslighting, and tightening their grip on you by making you doubt your critique of them. She never discussed the "mustache twirling variety", an it's ironically that variety that is more of a classic narcissist. Again, it's about making you look bad so that they can look shiny in comparison, it only works in a setting where you let it happen, and other people do believe you when you tell them about what the abuser has been doing, the very thing the abuser wants you to believe won't happen.
@Victoria Bergman I have to agree. But narcs are able to put on an act and look calm and collected if there's public or they are filming/recording. They might wanna bite your head off but they are not going to do it in front of everyone, they might wait to "get home".
The choice to remain calm and show no emotions is already on the psychopathy spectrum, many are very functional.
The narcissistic trap is really confusing because when you are not aware of it, it makes you act in weird ways, too. Finally, you see that you do not like yourself at all in that relationship. It, at last, should be a reason to leave.
well said
This is spot on! I never understood why being with this person brought out the worst in me, like no one else...
I needed to hear that . Thank you 😊
@mz. white that’s exactly how I felt. That’s the most terrible feeling! Its literally like being addicted to a drug. I remember just needing to hear his voice even in a negative way to feel better.
I feel relief to know i am not the only one! I went from being in shock to tears and then later (I was with him for over ten years) i started fighting back which i feel was probably the fight or flight response. I started feeling I was as bad as him but Inwas so angry! I didnt like who I became when I was with him. It was terrible and has left me working through self shame and self blame.
My favorite powerful quote from this interview was that in healthy communication about a conflict, there has to be respect, empathy and clarity on both sides of the conversation.
Yes, yes, YES!!!!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Yesssss!!! Just had a conversation with a SUPER narcissist this evening. Every moment they could get - they explained how all of the problems are MY fault - no respect, clarity, or empathy in any manner at all. There’s not even a conversation with a true narcissist, only proving themselves right!!!
@@bbfleur4736 Correct! It's not a dialogue, but a monologue. An attempt to persuade you to not see them from your perspective, but to see them from their perspective. In other words, gaslighting you out of your own reality.
So good, I pined that on twitter.
Exactly it’s not about winning it’s about hearing both points of view
I've come to call dealing with my past narcissists watering a dead tree ...
Susan Dickson,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!
Susan Dickson I love this!! Perfect way to think about it
Word ❤
“Insecurity that is unprocessed.” is a great and understandable way to put that. This interview is incredibly thoughtful!
My favourite insight: If someone shows no willingness to make a difference unless there’s some threat or fear of consequence, that relationship is too toxic to endure. It’s a sign that something is not okay. Repeating the same patterns of behaviour day after day even when you see someone burn out before your eyes, is not healthy by any stretch of imagination. I find myself in a really difficult relationship. I’ve noticed that unless I raise the stakes, unless there is fear of a walk-out, there’s not enough motivation to change anything. This is rather childish. People try to course-correct when they see things going wrong. They don’t wait for everything to collapse. If someone wakes up only when you have one foot out of the door, if they’re not attentive and respectful enough to ease all the needless pain, if they repeat the same old cycle until they’re served an ultimatum, things are really, really not okay. This has been the real takeaway from this discussion.
I'm going through the same thing right now ....I have no energy to fight anymore but it's so hard to convince your heart that you are not an exception to the rule
You wrote it so beautifully. I am amazed. Looks very accurate.
You nailed it! Thank you!
I agree. I had a relationship where he wouldn't change a thing unless I told him I was done. He had a pattern of being attentive, warm and loving and then very cold, withholding and negative. I would try to endure the cold withholding for as long as I could but then I would wise up and confront him. He'd make the right sounds, but the behavior wouldn't change. So finally I'd be ready to walk out the door for good and he would come rushing in with his former loving self. He would beg for me to stay.
Over time he blamed me for being "toxic" and threatening to leave regularly. I agreed it was toxic but I truly didn't know how else to get my needs met with him. Eventually I realized that he wasn't cut out for an actual relationship. As Dr. Ramani points out, it was because he was playing a game and couldn't have one of his players leaving. He needed to prevent me from leaving. He didn't care about my actual happiness.
I have found with narcissist people a very deep hurt and pain and memories that continue to play over and over, they hurt you because they are filled with hurt. They dont know how to love or have empathy because majority of the time that's not what they were shown. They were abused or treated very badly growing up so they reflect this back to others. They think this is powerful but the truth is they are weak, internally very weak and find love a sign of weakness. I have found power in removing the emotion and knowing what they say about you actually has nothing to do with you at all. They want you to feel as bad as them same with bullying. The truth is narcs are miserable unhappy tormented people, I've never envied one and never will, but I feel so sorry for them, I look at them and feel such sorrow that in their heart is just pain. To take the power away from them is to take the emotion out of it completely, don't fall victim to their abuse and then you are the strongest one. Remember any abuser is reflecting their pain back onto you but I assure you it's coming from their own past abuse, narcs are very weak internally, once you understand this you will be set free.
1- Respect
2-Empathy
3- Clarity
I dated a malignent narcissist.
It was terrifying.
I will forever carry a scar from him where I had to get stitches.
I'm so happy that small chapter of my life is behind me.
look into microneedling and fibroblasting...self beauty treatments...you might be able to reduce or get rid of the scar over time
Just be ware of these key sentences:
"You're too sensitive"
"You're overreacting"
"You're too emotional. Why so emotional?"
"You misunderstood what I said."
"You're imagining things/you have such a great imagination."
"Why don't you calm down?/Just calm down"
"You're crazy."
"I was just joking. It was just a joke"
"Seems like you don't have sense of humor."
'I was just joking' - oof.
I felt that like why you joke about something you don’t mean I also hate when someone is super sarcastic it’s annoying smh???
Wow! That's the person I was with, everything you mentioned
The last two are classics. My response is always, "we have a different sense of humour"
That is a perfect line and it stops them in their tracks.
Joking always joking..or I take things too personally
For my friends who are perpetually late, I cracked the code by giving them the wrong time 🤣
It works! My friends began doing this to me for being perpetually late😂😂
@@royalc3996 same haha
Is it bad to be late because I’m late a lot
This would actually be so great, or just give a general time frame you’re okay with like “hey the party starts at 1pm to 2pm” would help chronically late people like me, who just have executive dysfunction and a lot of anxiety around going anywhere lol. Bless you for working with your late friends.
@@jozzz222 think about your question , do you like when some one is late for you ??
I was dealing with a covert narcissist. I didn’t even know this term existed. I found it by complete accident about two months after leaving the relationship. I knew the textbook definition of a narcissist and it never crossed my mind that he was one because he was so shy and not very social. I went through some very high highs and low lows. Now, all the behaviors make so much sense. I thought it was just his personality or that he was having a bad day.
I was married to one for 18 years and learned about the word narcissist after I split up with him , until then I didn’t know with what I was dealing with unfortunately
Same ..I had never heard of these terms until it started happening to me around 2014 and then saw some of these videos around 2017/18 ...it’s like a lightbulb that this behavior has a name/diagnosis
I had a different experience but also made the excuse that "he was just having a bad day" or "under a lot of stress, being pulled different ways" but the truth is he was just a disgusting person
22:35 Red Flags
23:15 What I need to do now
21:32 My experience
28:28 How they shut down communication so you can't move forward.
26:30 How to appropriately apologise. What is a healthy apology
24:15 How she tricks me.
18:18
29:55 There is no way forward.
00:30 I am not enough
4:51 Neglectful Narcissists
6:05 Conventional insecurity versus Narcissistic insecurity.
Thank you
Narcissists blame everyone and everything else before ever taking responsibility or ownership of their behaviour 💥🎯💥🎯💥🎯
I just got rid of one.
He was telling me I’m his girl and I like you way too often after just talking to him, not meeting yet for literally two days. I saw it was a replay from the one major mistake I made three years ago.
Cut ties with him instantly.
GOOD JOB!!💪🏽
Love bombing ..it’s always too soon from people you don’t really know yet...and now we understand it’s a setup for something else. Narcissistic abuse. Glad you spotted it.🎉
Wow. My Girl... That just triggered me big time. I had forgotten how quickly he called me that. It was definitely after only a few days of knowing him.
I was completely blind to the danger at that time and actually thought it was endearing. It seemed like harmless flirtation.
I think the lies and manipulation started around five weeks into dating. The talking over me and interrupting me when I spoke started after about three months. It became so frequent. It was like living with someone who constantly went "squirrel" every time I was talking. I learned to stop expressing my thoughts. He encouraged me to quit my job and move in with him.
I did it. I thought it was awesome having someone willing to give me an opportunity to focus on my health. I began to notice he was very compulsive. Want it, get it now. He often showed great inconsideration in public. That was embarrassing for me. He was the guy who rushed into the cashier line that just opened at the store. Leaving the older lady who had been patiently waiting behind him. He would park in front of ramps for the disabled and then take his time getting back to the vehicle. We got flipped off alot by other people. He would pull out in front of oncoming traffic regardless if it made someone need to hit their brakes hard. Rules of polite society didn't seem to apply to him. So many little things you notice that you tried to explain to him why they were wrong in the beginning.
And then one day you wake up completely exhausted and empty inside. And you begin to slowly put the pieces together in your mind. And you know...that no one else sees him the way you see him. Everyone else sees the image. The image that pulled you into the crazy world. And a simple phrase like My Girl brings all the memories flooding to the surface. It leaves you feeling like you just climbed off of Space Mountain.
@@ssmith5127 what you are saying is text book narc behavior. There are some slight differences but it’s like clockwork for the most part. They are all the same
@S Smith-exact situation for me
There is such a profound level of twisted reality when dealing with a full blown narcissist. I always hated using labels and resisted it as all cost but it is a very different experience in every capacity and no denying when you deal with a true narristic person.
Yes very true
Absolutely
This hit me like a pile of bricks... this is so important for men and women who come from broken families. Thank you ladies for this space🤍
I spent too many years trying to figure my husband out we are now separated but I would say run run run run I wish I knew then what I know now .Dr. Ramani has validated all the feelings I was feeling but could not articulate. He checks every box!
Benefit of the doubt = enabling. Amen. I needed to hear this tonight. Thank you for bringing up this specific example ❤️
Need tattoo of that on my hand
The narcissist who I just discovered had been cheating on me for three years with his boss, tried to ask for the benefit of the doubt within a month of this discovery. He also told me, "believe me" over and over again. They are entitled in almost every way and don't even notice how insane they sound.
The best way to know if you are with a narcissist or not is if you find yourself doing something or behaving in a manner that you have NEVER EVER DONE before with anyone else. And it's negative.
Mic drop!👏👏👏 Well said.
You can know all this, you can have experience surviving a narc, and still fall for it. Going through narcissistic abuse doesn’t just “make you stronger” or able to spot them flawlessly. Narc abuse can ingrain patterns of self doubt, making excuses for someone, putting your feelings last, questioning your own judgements, etc. It can be difficult to actually ACT on a red flag before things get “bad enough”. The thing is- you don’t need to justify leaving to anyone but yourself. You can leave because you just don’t like how someone makes you feel, you don’t trust them, etc. you don’t need to wait for the narc to show their colors. Especially if they know you’re watching for narc behavior, they’ll try to manipulate you out of your wariness until you’re invested enough and always manipulate things to trap you. I don’t think it’s even necessary to confront a narc with what they are. Just go.
Amen amen amen..... Just start running
Thank you for this advice…I am so sick of being taken in by narcs…
100%
TRUTH! "You can leave because you just don’t like how someone makes you feel..."
Yes! End of story.
Agreed
Just go,
My Time and energy too precious,
My late mother said "Don't expect to find a trout in a barrel of dried herring" which is similar to saying "Don't try to pull water from an empty well"
Excellent way to put things. Sounds like she was a very wise lady.
My dad is a narcissist and my mum refuses to see it staying with him blindly. I always have to be on my guard from his manipulation tactics. If I'm not wary enough and in his presence a lot I have the ability to absorb these traits. I take full responsibility for myself when I get into these tones. He's more of the 'woe is me type' and still to this day blames his parents for his behaviour. It was really my sister opening this narcissism thing to me clarifying that she was the scepagoat and I the golden child in the family. It took a while for me to see it but once I limited my incolvment with him it gave me time to introapext. Sorry to say, but if it was not for my sister pointing this out to me I would have let things continue to slide.
I have had the same experience with mine hey
My father is a narcissist too. Thank goodness my mother divorced him and raised me on her own. My father talks a really good game: "Oh, I'm you're father and you must build a relationship with me so that I can show you the ins and outs of what it takes to have a good living." Man, this was utter BS, because that man he did things that was visable enough to appear a certain way to other family members as good, but behind the scenes. . . . he was a toxic nightmare. The things that he would say to me was aimed at trying to break me down mentally and spiritually. I kept my guard up for 6 months, but it ate away at the strength it took for me to move out. He wanted me to change my last name to his to make up for the fact that he wasn't there on the day I was born, he wanted access to my bank account and he wanted me to give up being independent. . . like. . . its crazy to me that he seriously had a problem with me being independent, having goals and dreams outside of himself. As a man, this is baffling to me.
Good for you! You did that for you sister instead of making her feel crazy. Breaking generational trauma and not enabling. That’s amazing work.
I found that every time my ex went out with the children on his own he would do nothing but speak bad of me untill my children stopped going out with him there was no point
They could see what was happening before I did. Now those children will have nothing to do with him now mine ex was neglectful narc except he never neglected him self
Maybe your mother was a severe co-dependant like my mother. They always turn a blind eye to what's going on. So many women, however, know what's going on, but they feel powerless to leave, especially if they had a brood of children.
Secure people never lash out n always apologize if they do.
Reflective. Empathic. Compromising. Apologetic.
Thank you for this bc sometimes it's scary to think so many of us survivors who go on to be humanitarians want to do the right thing, but we often question a lot if this is narcissism.
It's a dicey subject. Just as the section around 34:36 says, a narcissist can lash out and apologize, too. But it's a pattern.
@@XGD5layer I AGREE!!!
We survivors believe BEHAVIOR.
We survivors don't believe WORDS.
Oh my god, I thought it was another video of Dr. Ramani but then I saw the pink shade of Women of Impact. Dreams came true!
Me too
@@valdapierre6650 Me three! Love Dr Ramani!! 💕
Me 4 and I don’t even know dr Ramani very well.😂😃
I keep falling into relationships with narcs... but thanks to Dr Ramani and professionals like her I get out of it rather quickly.
Note to self : no second chances, listen to your gut incstinct.
God bless you Doctor Ramani.
I know I’m an empath & I keep attracting narcs😢 but 1 red flag & im out asap
Yes me too x 3
AAAAAAAAAAH! MY GAWD! When she talked about the leaving because your were not being heard, and now they will do what you want because they don't want to lose......... THEVICIOUS CYCLE IS EVERYTHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My entire world is changing. 😭🥰
This is what I’m dealing with a true narcissist it’s draining but I’m ready to change myself❤️
I once shaved my hair off cause I literally lost my mind.
Mind you, I don't even look good with no hair. Also been on antidepressants since. This is very important info ♥️
Ditto
leave Brittney alone
If you say I will stay IF....the person will never change
Limit the benefit of doubt
Stop being an enabler
Do or say you stay or you leave .That is a good one Dr Ramani
Respect ✊ is the #1 indicator of a healthy or toxic interaction
I love Dr Ramani I listen to her everyday! I love her! She is changing lives
19:18 the rule of threes and giving benefit of the doubt - if you're dishonored, devalued, not listened to, or invalidated.. that's it... leave now!
Personally, I treat a new dating situation like a 90 trial employment. I'm looking to see how I'm treated, I'm listening to what you say and watching what you do. I still got caught by a communal narcissist.
I agree
So much good info!!! Lisa your open-minded curiosity makes for such good interviews. You make the audience want to learn because of your enthusiasm for finding out more. Thank you!!!
This is so good!!!! I so want to get this out for everyone to hear. Once I learned I was in a relationship with a narcissist it was hell to cut off. I have done so much research on this! Thank you for doing this! So many are hurting being in these relationships
wow she's so clear in explaining and questions asked were also exactly the ones I had ! Thanks both of you!
Yay so pleased you had Dr Ramani on here, at last! I've been watching her videos and her other interviews for 8/9 months now
Thank you for this video. In September I left a very toxic 6 year relationship and I needed to hear this video. 💕✨
just a few minutes after listening to this lady, went on amazon to buy the book, I cant wait to read it! such interesting insights! thank you!
Thank you! So informative and exactly what we need to hear to stay away from these people.
Oh my gosh! I love this channel! My favourite part was the spectrum of "charisma". Thank you for your content and going through the effort to have on wonderful guests like Dr. Ramani and Matthew Hussey. A fan here in beautiful Asheville, NC, (usa)
Thank you for having her... ❤️ Dr. Ramani’s videos in her channel has helped me heal from my abusive relationship. We need this awareness, especially our therapists...
My favorite insight was: " If you stay in this conversation you disrespect Yourself! "
Good points in having experience with narcissistic people: You grow your psychological muscles and learnt to regulate your feelings and emotions very well. Of course, this does not FEEL GOOd at first, but when you have got over it, you are stronger than ever and stronger than people who do not have that experience.
Dr. Ramani's knowledge on this was excellent, glad I tuned in.
I feel so excited and happy upon knowing that you both(woman of impact) are going to have a conversation so i watched and listened without delay. I first learned about narcissism through Dr. Ramani on her interviews and vids and it greatly helped me understand then my experiences with this highly antagonistic, difficult people in my life.. It's like my biggest "aha" moment.
I really love this talk.❤️
Thank you❣️
Thank you thank you! Lisa, the more I watch your show the more I appreciate your interview style and honest personality! You’re a gift 👍
This particular episode is just full of knowledge. I have watched it countless times now. This is a great video for anyone who just becoming aware of narssistic abuse. Thank you Lisa and Dr. Ramani.
I love you both and waking up today to see you had her on! Oh my gosh what a great feeling! The universe is just bread crumbing me the heck of out of me. I need to listen. I need to be the hero of my own life.
Actions speak louder than words!!!
Thank you Dr Ramani!!! So much love to you both!!!!
Knowledge is Power. You are saving lives. This subject should be taught in grammar school, through high school absolutely life-saving. I am 75 years old and learning something new every day. xoxo
incredibly valuable episode as usual thank you both so much!! I really hope more people could educate themselves on that. Enablers are so upsetting
Omgoodness!!! You had an absolutely legendary woman on this show. This is real quality knowledge.
Thank you, Lisa for this insightful and valuable interview with amazing dr Ramani! As someone who grew up in a narcissistic family (grandmother, mother, father and sister are narcissist) and later married into another (ex-husband and his mother), I cannot describe how much I appreciate all the things that I’ve discovered through dr Ramani’s videos. And yes, we definitely need to SPEAK LOUDER about what’s happening to us and what we are going through, as well as CONSTANTLY EDUCATING ourselves on the topis of NPD!!!
Whoa, “too many people are trying to draw water out of empty wells”. That breakdown was another Dr. Ramani gems!!! Recognizing a walk away opportunity up front of long term incompatibility. Thank you❤️
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I have learned so much, still a long process to get healing from an narcissistic ex-husband, narcissistic mother-abuse but I'm down for the journey!!! I appreciate your video!!! Can't wait to learn more from you!
Favorite insight was "THEY DO NOT CHANGE". They use you as a tool or an applicance--a THING. This is so true. After twenty years of trying to "fix it".
I want to buy her book and leave it purposely in random places so people are aware of this.
"The wounds are where we are not graceful". Poetic and Brilliant!!
Knowledge is power, Understanding is wisdom. I am sitting here with a cup of coffee watching this post for the second time. Excitingly finding new information, each time I watch it. Thank you for this educational video. You are saving lives.
This is why it's so important to look at people's intentions instead of their outcomes! Bad outcomes can have good intent, and clearly from the first 5 minutes of this, good outcomes can have bad intent.
Thank you so much!! I demanded my family do “the work” recently. I’ve since cut them off. It’s unacceptable. It’s hurtful and no one sees my pain.
Interactions that are exchanging soothing patterns to build trust and intimacy are very healthy for humans. Great chat you guys!!
She is one of the best! We need to educate pple on red flags. Especially empaths.
When she talked about people who’ve been in these relationships say, “now I have a word for that!” Yup.
I just cut a narcissistic partner after he shut me down, cursed and yelled at me for expressing myself on a topic that he had covered once. I do blame myself for re bringing it up but I can definitely say that my intention was to discuss this by using words such as I understand and I feel. It took me a while to see this as I suffer from borderline personality disorder and have had trouble with boundaries for a long time. However, when someone does not give you the safe space to express yourself and talk about your feelings, and if you fear the person’s reaction all the time, simply leave (if your situation allows you). You deserve better ❤️
My last three former "friends" were consistently late almost every time we would meet. I gave each of these individuals the 'benefit of the doubt". I would not have put up with that behavior from a date, but I gave too many "second chances" to these women. I can see now how disrespectful and entitled their behavior was. I am done with those types of "friends".
I am always late because of executive dysfunction and depression and intense car accident related anxiety, and just going out in public anxiety. I had no idea this might be a red flag to people. But the lateness also gives me an anxiety stomach ache rather than being something I don’t care about, so maybe I’m still okay ;-; I can’t blame anyone for having boundaries after noticing a pattern though. Better to miss some flaky friends with reasons than to keep opening yourself up to people who are toxic.
@@jazwhoaskedforthis It's okay if you are able to communicate your reason and anxiety for being late. Narcissists never take accountability for their actions. You can.
Being chronically late doesn’t make them narcissists lol. Some people just have time management issues. Also, it can be cultural. In some groups it’s common to be a bit late. Keep your boundaries but no need to demonize people just because they don’t value time the same way you do. Narcissism is a lot more damaging than just being late.
RIP everyone with ADHD who is physically unable to tell time because the part of the brain that does that is not functioning as it does in neurotypical people.......
No sharing: yes! No chance to have a deep and meaningful exchange/conversation. When I heard you say that, Dr Ramini, my heart sank in pain as I recalled the futility of my efforts to gain some traction with the narcissistic / psychopathic individual in my life. Thank goodness I believe the truth is always helpful, better than clinging to delusions.
YAYYY!!! ♡♡♡♡
Dr Ramani is my hero 🙌
So happy to see this collaboration 💖
When someone just wants you to listen, not speak, i told this person that they need a blow-up doll or dummy because they wanted me to stay silent all the time. It started to be very boring then the insults started so i left.
my sons bought him a pocket PU**ie...Molly...Christmas gift...lol
This is so enlightening I keep having to go back and listen again...thanks for the seminars. I appreciate it.
I have the utmost respect for Dr Ramani- ive been listening and learning from her since I found her!
Her words simply resonate with truth!
She has had a major impact on my life in the best way ever ! I will stay listening and learning from her for the rest of my days !
I value all her words- not only for the sake of close relationship- but to understand this psychological mindset of many people in our everyday life- gives one knowledge of this type of people so we can be very aware of their presence.
Respect, empathy& clarity💗
So happy you had her on!!! I’ve been following Dr. Ramani for years, she’s helped me alot! 💜💜💜 I try to get my dose of her still monthly for therapeutic maintenance lol
Absolutely GENIUS work, as always! We love you! ❤
Dr. Ramani is god sent & brilliant in the study of narcissism! Love her 🙂
Omg my two favorite channels in one collab!!! I appreciate your efforts and everything you do for us ❤️❤️❤️
Right!
This woman has been a saving grace in my life and so many others. 😭❤️🙏🏾
This video has helped me in more ways than I can express. I never thought it could happen to me and I’m sitting here questioning everything until I watched this. This helped put it into prospective. I can’t be thankful enough
Simply excellent questions from the interviewer. They are what make this interview a gem!
Wow! So many things in this episode resonated with me Lisa!!! Thank you so much for bringing Dr. Ramani on the show.
First, the 3x rule. In looking back at a relationship I was in for 4 years with a person officially diagnosed with NPD and Bipolar when they served in the military, I can remember them coming back to me after promising not to do a behavior such as stay out all night, or two or three nights, without calling after a meaningless argument. Or calling me all kinds of unpleasant names when I wasn't acting in the way they thought I should. I would be exhausted mentally over all of these sorts of things and just wanting to 'make up' and move on... and they knew this weakness. I was weak to their words of affirmation, now which I realize were just words of manipulation. I remember thinking, I told myself last time i wouldn't take it anymore but here i am... and now this is the tenth time at least. The 3x rule helps me have a better gage as to when to cut it off.
Also, CHARISMA! Dr. R'S point about charisma sooooo hit home. This same partner always had to be everyone's friend or feel "loved" by them to the point he would talk to people whether welcomed or not until they responded to him..he was the center of attention whereever we went, and not for good reasons most often. Garnering embarrassing attention, I often felt like I just wanted to hide when he was talking to people who were just trying to have a pleasant evening or telling someone's wife she was hot when it clearly didn't make the husband happy not to mention I'm standing right there. He overstepped boundaries all the time. And if I got angry, he told me I was jealous, a sh!# starter and so much more. Yet people would often say to me that he had charisma. I always felt like they were enabling him by saying that but then I was like, maybe they see something I don’t...charisma is a good thing, right? This fact I think forced me to stay in the relationship longer than I might have if charisma was seen as you so eloquently stated, Dr. R. Thank you for that take on charisma because now I know why my gut felt it wasn't a good thing. Now, almost 2 years after pulling my son and I out of that relationship and the house we were living in with him, I am finally feeling healed and I have perspective. I appreciated this episode so much! Thanks Dr. R and Lisa for being amazing and for this insightful conversation. 😘❤💛💙💚
I like the rule of 3 for giving the benefit of the doubt. The example Dr. Ramani gave about the lateness is 100% on point.
I read in a book a long long time ago..."It wasn't my intention to upset you"....."it wasn't your intention not to". Intention is everything. Intend to show care and respect then you cannot unintentionally upset someone. Thank you Dr. Ramani