You Must WALK AWAY From These People! (Heal From Toxic Breakups & Betrayal) | Dr. Ramani
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ม.ค. 2022
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On Today's Episode:
By now, you are most likely aware of narcissistic behavior being grandiose, egotistical and charming. If many of us can describe a narcissistic person, then how do we fall into unhealthy relationships with people that have zero concern for our happiness or well being? If you’ve experienced a relationship with a narcissistic person or happen to be currently living through narcissistic abuse then you are familiar with the frustration, the gaslighting, and feeling totally lost on how to end it or get out of the relationship. There are very clear traps narcissists use to keep hold of the people they want to control. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is an expert in narcissism and clinical psychologist. She is also a repeat guest on the show, joining Lisa for the third time. She’s breaking down all the ways narcissists are trying to trap you, how to heal from narcissistic abuse to move on, and how to create better boundaries and a plan for revenge.
Check out Dr. Ramani's Podcast "Navigating Narcissism" here!: apple.co/3nrjnTL
SHOW NOTES:
Feeling Lost | What does moving on from a narcissistic relationship look like [1:02]
5 Traps to Avoid | Dr. Ramani breaks down 5 traps in narcissistic relationships [5:39]
Hoovering Trap | A powerplay tactic narcissist use to suck you in after you’ve left [9:38]
Avoid Enablers | Dr. Ramani explains how enablers make it harder to walk away [11:44]
The Hope Trap | Dr. Ramani reveals how narcissist trigger hope to keep you baited [13:44]
Trapped by Guilt | When vulnerable narcissists trap with the belief you can save them [15:24]
Responsibility | Dr. Ramani on why responsibility of being treated poorly is not on you [17:27]
Trauma Bonding | Why people hold onto the good things in bad relationships explained [21:47]
Breaking Triggers | Dr. Ramani explains why being alone for a whole year is necessary [25:35]
Danger of Control | Why controlling what someone wears is a dangerous dynamic [35:53]
Be Cherished | Dr. Ramani reveals why being cherished over desired is important [38:37]
Rebuilding Trust | Why it’s hard to rebuild trust for with yourself and tips for progress [42:00]
Boundaries | Dr. Ramani’s tips for setting boundaries when you don’t feel safe [55:21]
Revenge | Dr. Ramani explains the best form of revenge against a narcissist [57:25]
Self Efficacy | Dr. Ramani reveals how to heal from narcissistic abuse with indifference [1:04:38]
QUOTES:
“The hope is around, you are a better navigator of your own life, and you had the wisdom to extract the lessons from this really difficult experience.” [5:07]
“You can retain your empathy and compassion, and you can also preserve yourself, and your job on this earth is not to rescue another capable adult. That responsibility lies on them.” [17:03]
“Even if you try to teach them how you want to be treated, they ain't listening because they have no empathy. They don't care. You're merely an object to get them what they need.” [20:08]
“That time and becoming reacquainted while you're not in a relationship is where you find out that your legs can stand on their own.” [32:04]
“It's not just about the trust of the other, it's about that you have the right to set a boundary, and that's about trusting yourself.” [46:45]
“You may not be able to like, boom, set this line in the sand with this person, but that doesn't mean you have to sit here quietly and endure an uncomfortable situation, you can give yourself permission to leave, and it ain't your job to school that person anyhow.” [56:06]
“If you can think of revenge as you being your best self that shuts everybody down.” [59:04]
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What is your best tip for someone who needs some emotional healing?
I nod my head yes yes from the start already . From my experience , it never gets better and I hoped it would. I always thought the silent treatment he gave me that I did something wrong and ask him what did I do? This makes you go crazy thinking you did something wrong and make you feel sad. He cheated , abused me, hold leverage, threaten me, call me awful names and call my family names which he never met. “Looks challenged man” he is and he slowly grew on me. There were red flags already but I ignored it. They never want to leave you alone . They come to you when they’re ready. It took me so long to get over him with his ugly wicked nefarious satanic ass even though he was a waste man. When looking back I couldn’t believe now I actually had him in my life and he was 11 years older than me . He was immature grown boy not a real man. Ladies you will get over him . Healing takes time so go through the pain instead of holding it back
Don't blame yourself. Don't hold on to the pain
@@ChristianaSenibo agreed 💯 forgive yourself for the choices you made & things you did/didn't do before you knew what you know now❤️
Walk outside, do therapy, journal, talk to friends. Changes so much.
@@sunvavachi Excellent and tried and true!
I just filed for divorce after 31 years of adultery, devaluing, disrespect, and blaming to justify his affairs. I have watched Dr. Ramani for the last year, building courage to take that last step. I am finally free of a loveless marriage, starting to look forward to every new day. Maybe I will find a real love later on, but for now I am enough;) Don't tolerate being treated like you have no value and are less than. I am so glad I found these videos as they helped me to break away, know I am not alone, and I am not the broken one.
A strong hug to you. Mine were 30 years...you're not alone.
@@Ellevi14 I was 24 years in it and two back surgeries and digestive ISSUES with all the Sarcastic comments constant..it almost broke me....I was just beat down so much...no man will ever want me except for my body..DNT come home without meds or I will divorce you...what happens in the dark will come out to the light..no one can mock Jeh God..
26 for me. 3 years out and my life couldn’t be more full. So proud of you for finding your voice ❤️
30 for me...it hurts to know he didn't care..am still hurting but am hopeful that one day I'll heal
Peace of mind is worth more than anything.
I was more lonely in the relationship than I wasn't in a relationship. Being alone is the best thing ever. Embrace it
Ditto in my life
It's torture to be trapped in a lonely significant other relationship. I couldn't take it anymore. The loneliness forced me to go into therapy. After two years of weekly therapy, I was finally capable of exiting a 46 year marriage to a passive aggressive narcissist. Praise God!
Truth
Same. I just left a very abusive relationship with a malignant covert narcissist. During the relationship I felt more lonely than without it. Happy to be single, and have no plans to date any time soon. I need to work on myself so I don’t repeat this toxic pattern.
And when the human condition kicks in❓
This woman has helped me more than any friend, relative or therapist ever ❤ thank god for this woman
Amen 🙌🏽 I agree!!!
SAME!❤
My wife CAN show traits but she isn’t a true Narcy, you know how Doc says we all kinda have the traits and what not. But since I have learned the signs I had started calling her out on what she is doing things are way better now.
Same ❤
Same❤
A Dr. Ramani video a day keeps a narcissist away!!!
Her and Patrick Teehan have saved my life.
Yep, Dr. Ramani and Patrick Teehan are so amazing and empowering. Wishing you peace, love and joy 🎉
@MaureenWHamblin-- Me too, her video's and his video's changed my life.
omg... I literally have two tabs open... this one with Dr. Ramani and Teehan on the other one...
Lol never heard of teehan .. will check after this video! But I agree about listening cto her EVERYDAY. The most insightful woman I have listened to regarding this subject. She is truly a God send. ❤❤❤
Yeah !!!!
When you break up with a narcissist, you wake up the next day and say to yourself "oh, my God, I am alone...." Then, after many many more lonely mornings, you wake up and suddenly say to yourself, "oh, my God, I am FINALLY alone.....".
Truly!
I also felt more alone WITH the narcissist because he isolated me from everyone I knew. In my loneliness afterwards, at least I also had peace.
It's bittersweet, like the melty morsels in a warm chocolate chip cookie 🍪☺️ I don't live in a constant stream of manipulation and gaslighting anymore. Soon I won't miss him at all.
Perfect!!!!
Alone and lonely are not to be confused. Yes you are alone which is a prerequisite to healing, growing and moving on.
The _hardest_ thing was to realize the person I fell totally in love with, never existed. He was a phantom and I'll never get the 'first week person' back because it was all a fascade. He idealized me and I felt for the first time in my life seen for who I was instead of being scapegoated. Then it turned slowly into a nightmare.
I totally hear that. I let myself date someone immediately after my last toxic "relationship" (which was a lot like you described) and this time I waited to even decide if I like them or not. I liked them enough to have dinner and go to the movies. And then at three weeks this new guy made rude comments to me (then later kissed me on the hands) and went on and on about his exes AGAIN. I just asked him "Gee, you sure seem to bring that up a lot. Is there something I should know?" and he kinda shrugged it off. I couldn't confront him exactly but I gave a fair space to be honest. Then I decided I didn't want to see him anymore. I quickly even forgot his name. Waiting makes it so easy. Sadly, I had a hard time waiting even three weeks. I have found the dating dynamic clearly changes at three weeks- in my experiences anyway. Now I have a hard three-week rule and I will test that out.
Wow, that's so perfectly described. Exactly. Falling in love with someone that never actually existed. Nailed it!
This was my exact experience. I kept thinking my new relationship was too good to be true....and it was. Lived in the nightmare 3 yrs waiting for him to change back into the person I experienced during the first weeks of our relationship but...it never happened. Being an avid listener to Dr. R helped me walk away and free myself from the narcissist. Now, I have a peaceful life.
@@lissabaker7782 same thing here. I remember feeling so silly literally googling "grumpy mean cynical husband mood disorders" out of desperation one day when I finally knew that it was not me that had an issue. Slowly, like following bread crumbs, I ended up on dr ramanis page, and it literally saved my life by waking me UP. Forever grateful.
You fell in love with yourself. He didn't see it for who you were, he told you the things you wanted to hear. You don't miss him, you miss what you thought about yourself the first week
I have blocked and cut off all communication! I will never again give my siblings the chance to hurt me! I've been the family scapegoat since I was 15 yrs old. I'm 60 now and their games are OVER FOREVER!❤️
Same.. enough is enough then they still blame you for it.
Yeah okay. Sibling (s)
Solitude is so healing! I feel re-centered when I'm finally alone again. I require solitude daily
You will never be as lonely as you were in the relationship. Being alone does not equal loneliness🙏🏻
@@rosalindwhelan581 be proud of you being the woman who was strong enough to choose you 👏🏻🙏🏻it took me 30 years. And strange enough I have not missed him for one minute either.
@@melanievanoorschot6505 such a true comment, I could never be lonelier than when I lay awake next to the man I stayed with (almost 30 years!). It hasn't been easy, the lies he's spread, how he's tried (but not succeeded!) in turning our kids against me, the $$$ issues. Now I find his maneuvers so transparent, although still working to protect myself. Sounds like you've come a long way - congratulations,
@@007suzanne so we have lost 60 years between us. I hope you will be able to learn and heal (if we ever do?). They will never stop abusing and using children for their own benefit. We will have to be strong mothers to help them find the way in the labyrinth created by their own father. Believe and you will succeed. 😘🙏🏻
Very true love this!
Thank you, you said it!!!
The best revenge is living your best life. Absolutely.
This is SO true ...they seethe with envy but try and hide it by saying hmmm "your back to your old self again now "
But underneath demising their next move to crack the legs off your chair
So true ❤
❤😂100%
100%
This statement has become my new motto. Never would have thought of it on my own.
A lovely woman who was a member of our community choir had always worn a sari. We heard that her husband had died and then she stopped wearing a sari and wore trousers. Someone asked about the change. She answered that because her husband had insisted she wear a long dress at all times, she had settled on wearing a sari because no one would ask her about it. Once he died, she looked so much happier and said she could now wear what she wanted to.
I love this! But what a shame she had to go through this ❤
I have been craving to wear perfume and white color without any anxiety. My only white dress is hanging there for ages😞 i left him 4 years back but came back due to social pressure and stigma of divorce. Back to the zero square.
@@shakilaasghar7486😢
Dr Ramani has saved me my life. Leaving the narcissist was the best decision I made. I continue to obsess over him but I know it will take time to heal. If it wasn’t for listening to her, I would still be trapped in that nonsense.
"IF you loved yourself, you would never allow anyone to treat u like that". A wise person once told me.. I live by it now. Mantra for life. Self love and healing childhood trauma is everything!
That's easy to say. But when Children are envolved and you're on moral and value code. The years can tick away until you realize what type of person you're really with. A narcissist
. Didn't know the deep meaning of that word until I was in my 50s.
I’ve always wanted to leave but i’m afraid he will retaliate against me. He like’s to torture me by saying things about me that aren’t true. He’s one of the best liar’s I’ve ever known.
@@pennyamyot4215leave safely. Set up a exit plan. Because it will never end. Even 10 years later you think they learn and have understood what love is?
The answer is they don't love anyone or anything. So run.
@pennyamyot4215 you learn to know yourself better then the lies he spouts and detach his verbal abuse because you know you're nothing he's saying.....then you've succeeded in leaving...know yourself better and don't let him tell you otherwise. Good luck! ❤
"So many people were never taught how to be treated." - I resonated with this!
Love that quote. It takes a lot of guilt and societal pressure from one's shoulders.
YES THEY FAILED TO TEACH THAT IN KINDERGARTEN
Same. I never even heard that phrase "You treat people how to treat you" until I became an adult. I had a very abusive childhood and accepted treatment from others that I was familiar with in my childhood
I felt this!
My feels he was treated wrongly by his mother and siblings and now prefaced every argument with " that's what my family did to me" and uts become beyond ridiculous.
I'm in year 3 of being divorced from a narcissist. I have to co-parent with him because of our 2 kids who are 12 and 13. It's been a struggle but he told me when we were divorcing I would never make it without him. I've since then bought my own home and upgraded my car all by myself. She's right, be successful, be your own navigator!!!
If you're planning on leaving a narcissist, plan, plan, plan! Be patient, get a better job, save money, build your support system. You can do it!
💖🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🥰
yes you can, narc translation : “you can definitely survive without me, but you can’t know that.” you are such a great mommy :,)!!! i hope you and your kids are blessed and very verry happy 🥺💗
@@kenyaonkoba9713 we are!! Thank you!! Now they get to know life outside of the narcissist grip!
❤❤❤
🙏🏾❤
Im so happy to hear my own life experience with this video. 42 years and finally I said enough, even old (66) I do have to free my self from all the verbal and emocional abuse. Thank you
Same. Now Im planning to move forward together with my dogs. But the sad thing is im a housewife, no job.. not enough savings and not driving.
I stayed for 45 years when he died 1o month ago I had to learn who I am thank god I'm retired with own house 2 grown daughters and animals but I'm old and tired but learning to be happy a bit lonely without the eggshells but I will get better I know
Same here
39yrs😢
Same here
I spent 26 years with a narcissistic mother who made my life hell. Deep depression forced me to pack up and move to another country. And from that I learned so much about myself. I definitely agree that anyone getting out of a toxic relationship needs to spend time with just themself. Yes it's lonely but it's also liberating at the same time, and you'll come out the best version of yourself.
💯💯👏🏽💯
👆👆👆👆👆
The user pointed above she’s a life saver. I’ve been married to a narcissist for more than 16 years anytime I want to live he acts like he has changed but every time things get worst until 24 years of marriage I couldn’t live because I do much loved him 😢. I started looking for a solution then I met GODDESS SEELAH which told me to not give up on him with her help now my narcissistic husband is like a baby 😂. Are you suffering from it?? Are you dating a narcissist?? Check out the user above she will help you. ✅..
it was not liberating to me and it is soul crushing to me to be alone all the time......
@@artsylady3187 I feel you
@@artsylady3187 I feel you
I spent my christmas with my three cats. I had peace. Peace. Peace…. And fun, when my cats played. They did not yell me, complained about my outlook (they never do), or controlled my eating or anything, etc. Peace and fun, can you imagine such a Christmas?
It's amazing how blind and selfish people can take away life's simplest things others takes for granted
❤️❤️❤️🧚
It’s a bittersweet ending
Sounds wonderful ❤️❤️
I felt this. So hard. My two fur baby boys did the same for me! I’m so glad you had them and they had you! 💜
“We really do gravitate towards the familiar even if it’s traumatic”. That is absolutely truth
Yes i can relate to this as well..
True..💯
You said it best. Change is scarier than predictable unpredictable behavior or events. I vowed that I would NEVER marry someone who drank... guess who I married? Someone just like my narcissistic emotionally abusive father.... who did not drink. As a child I thought it was the alcohol who made him his way, but learned that there are soooo many other red flags I allowed, because I thought that was 'normal'.
True…im in a third marriage for five years and im 60 now..he was alot like my dad who i loved very much but was so uncomfortable being around….my husband is worse to be around and its so stressful I’ve physically changed even….I unfortunately have no place to go or job …..so im stuck
I call it the “sin of familiarity” 😩😭
Love that, 'if you are getting out of bed every morning you are healing'. Many days I don't feel like I am making any progress and I get down on myself. In love with someone who didn't have the time of day for me, only wanted to sleep with me. Hurts like heck, but I'm trying...
That is not your fault. Just start again being much wiser.
I’m wishing you joy in waking up each morning knowing you are free
It's growing pains. That's why it's uncomfortable. To believe and invest into something that wasn't real. Forgive yourself and remember the person you were before you met your ex. Give God the appreciation of letting you see that evil in that person. The longer the relationship goes on, the deeper you become ensnared. I have rules I live by when dating.
1. Never give more then I'm willing to lose.
2. Never let a relationship outweigh the love I have for myself.
If the relationship breaks those rules, I walk everytime.
It's worked for me. God bless. Good luck
I'm 62 and have gone no contact with my narc mother and narc sister. It is extremely painfulful and I mourn the people who they could have been, but I am never going to allow the people who they truly are hurt me again.
Always a pleasure to have a conversation with you , Lisa! Thanks for having me again!
You are a lifesaver, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for all the work you do. Greetings from Spain. 💖
Your videos helped me leave and stay away and understand the situation I was in for 10 years. I finally left for good August 2020 thank you Dr
Are you taking any new patients?
Dr Ramani,
You have been a life saver!. I’ve always known there was something off with my relationship but could not pin-point it until I came across your videos. I finally left my 16+ year marriage about a month ago and slowly gaining my power back. This has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Still working on healing. Hoping to join your healing program soon.
🐼
Oh trust me it was MY pleasure!!!! I absolutely adore you and our time together and you know the chair is always kept warm for you 😉 You are truly one of a kind ❤
If you are getting up out of bed in the morning, even if its later than you want... you are healing! *** Read that again*** I love you all, we got this!!
I want this screenshot on my mirror. We got this.
@@heatherwhatever7714 Hi Heater! Yes yes yes! Sending a big hug and much love your way! Dont give up ❤️ We will heal from this and come out stronger!
Oh my goodness! I’m struggling with this issue so much. Every morning as soon as I wake up, I feel so lost so I don’t want to wake up. By the time I wake up again, it gets late and I feel terrible afterwards. Your comment gives me hope ❤️ thank you!!!
@@peachpeonie Hi there! Stay strong ❤️ Its been almost a year for me and it does get better! I promise you! Take good care of yourself, stay hydrated, eat as good as you can even if you are not hungry and more important than anything, be patient and kind to yourself! It is a process, it will get better! Much much love your way and a big (covid free) hug ❤️❤️
@@gquiros2457 thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
1:17 To get lost is to learn the way …
5:10 You are a better navigator of your own life …
6:20 The 5 traps - hope, fear, pity, guilt & comfort
17:00 Your job on this earth is not to rescue another capable adult
17:35 So many people were not taught how to be treated (well)
19:31 Getting your power back & healing despite: money, fear, culture, children, your mental real estate
21:15 Narcissist 1.0 vs Survivor 1.0, 2.0, 3.0
22:00 Trauma bonding - childhood coping mechanism & the ick list
26:17 Detox x 1 year: uncensor yourself & cut the cycle (self-talk, feel into your body how safe you are now & celebrate 🎉❤ to break the trauma bond & re-wire your brain)
38:07 Being cherished (you) vs desired (I)
41:31 Not trusting yourself & over correcting 🚩Slowly taking down the walls and barb wire over time + learning how to have boundaries + trusting yourself again + baby steps with flexing your social muscles + reflecting (journalling wins)
54:01 Honouring your instinct & practicing boundary setting
56:16 Revenge - vindictive vs being your best self (finding your BLISS) 🔥
1:03:59 Self-efficacy as a call to action & breaking out mindset
1:05:25 Healing ❤️🩹 goal - indifference
1:07:05 Dr. Ramani Contact Info
“Be The Hero of Your Own Life”
Thanks 👍
You're an absolute legend for this. Thank you so much ❤️🙏
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
Heres your challenge, Dr. Rimini: Having spent 37 years in this type relationship, I believe this info should be taught in school, beginning in secondary, more intensively in high school. If you could develop a course for young people, the world would be a better place. Thank you for what you've taught me
My biggest learning takeaways from this life lesson are:
- always trust your gut
- establish strict boundaries early on and see if the person respects them
- listen to how the person describes people (narcissists view people as resources/tools and will generally not talk about inner personality traits as valuable)
- share a sad story with the person to see if they display empathy (they usually ignore the topic)
I have been out for a month and I would never go back. Not after I've learned the true face of the person I was with. It is like a blackhole consuming any light it can possibly get near.
Spot on! Blessings on your journey dear one, life is so beautiful and happy the further we get from the black hole 🙏
@@bodymindsoul60 thank you so much. Blessings on your journey also ❤❤❤
🙌🏽
Soooo true!!! They suck your energy!
All of the above/ been there/ great takeaways! Sending hugs- one month out is still tough/ I’m 3 months out- it gets better- all the best :) x
Yes just spent a year alone. Peace is so much better. And it takes time to heal and get over loneliness.
It feels so good being in my own company..
Yes, it's so scary for me because I depended on this guy to help me through my chronic pain over the years and I've just come down with autoimmune disorder, so I cannot leave the house during flu & cold season since I'm allergic to flu shot. So this guy that I'm giving up used to be so nice to me and then his psychiatrist started giving him more meds and he's become full on NPD and it blew my mind. I'm devastated 💔, but I'm going gray rock keeping my distance from him now. It's very hard to let go completely 😪
Yes, it's going to take a long time for me to heal & get over the loneliness because I'm trapped in my house with autoimmune disorder. So I contacted BetterHelp for therapy and they are helping me.
@@peggysterling57 hang in there Peggy. 🙏 Hope you find some good support from therapy. It's not easy but you can do it! Getting away from the toxic energy of a narcissist will surely be better for your health in the long run.
@@marthatyson8439 thank you @Olive Teddy
these videos are literally keeping me alive and are saving me from spiralling down. it's been a year since I was discarded by a narcissist and the PTSD is real! I wish I new all this before. Thank you Lisa and Dr.Ramani for you are life savers xx
❤🩹
I feel taking time to learn who you are, allow yourself to get to know you again and be kind to yourself.
I can vouch that this works after over 20 years of being in an abusive narcissist relationship.
It's just over 2 years of being by myself and I'm really still coming out my shell and learning its okay to be me and I can do it safely.
Glad to hear that!😀❤
"You wanna stick it to a narcissist? Succeed." That's exactly what I needed! Thank you!!! Do what you want to do!
Yes!
The narcissist I had an affair with told me I was going to have a huge fall because I chose to end the affair because my convictions kicked in and I chose to turn to Jesus! I connected with this covert narcissist because he used my vulnerability with my mental health husband who has all the characteristics of a classic narcissist… I didn’t know that they both were this way until I just looked up what is a narcissist! SMH!!! I am an empathetic personality!
@@jeannetteroundtree2389 been there...we are innocent and they REAP what they sowed in due time...
Exactly! SUCCEED and love yourself and life and let them see this. They are far too jealous and want you to be miserable. They will react with worse behavior so be ready for it and make a plan of what to say when they misbehave. "Im not tolerating your bad behavior". Or make a face like HUH? and walk away and go on doing your own thing. Pack up your most precious items and either put them in storage or store at a family or friends house. They go after your personal things.
Yes! Wasn’t that the best?!
What sucks is that my husband acted like he cherished and respected me in the beginning but he slowly started to show his true colors throughout the yrs. Towards the end, he really showed his narcissism. Watch out for covert narcissists
Facts! My mother
That’s real ! The covert narcissist. On deep reflection looking thru they new eyes , did he cherish you in the beginning or “ love bomb” you ?
The Covert is the most dangerous and clever of the bunch because their invalidation is harder to see.The victim doubts themselves,often questioning if their perceptions are real or imagined and this ongoing self doubt drives the victim to the edge.The best antidote to this self-doubt is to remember one thing
and that is....
TRUST YOURSELF!!!
If you feel you are being invalidated,then you are!And you must do what you need to do to get away from the abuser and if you can't get away,then learn some of these coping techniques to be able to tolerate the covert narcissist without letting these parasites drive you nuts.I have found that seeing their game ,not reacting and not taking anything they say seriously helps.The covert narc is often filled with sarcastic sideways putdowns.Notice them,KNOW YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING THEM AND IGNORE .Get into your own life as much as possible and strengthen yourself.Fall in love with you.
🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌
They always reveal themselves, you just missed the signs. Believing yourself to be a victim is self destructive and a fairytale.
Limerance plays a massive part in being magnetically drawn to toxic people, too, for me. Thank you so much for this. I’m getting much better at identifying unhealthy relationships and getting out of them, and am actively taking steps to get out of the unhappy relationship I’ve been in for 15 years, though the stress feels like it’s killing me. I just want to be alone and dream of living in a tent in the middle of a field. What I’ve learned, which seems obvious to those who haven’t been through this, is that nothing in your life is going to work / grow when your environment is poison. I’ve gone from being romantic, passionate and sociable to feeling constantly deflated, totally isolated, angry and reactive. Before I die I just want to experience some peace and pure happiness which I know I’m capable of feeling.
I can relate to that. It becomes worse for me when I can't help but be reactive and defensive with the people who actually love me. It feels hope less at times because I isolate myself from new people out of fear of what they can do to me, and I isolate myself from loved ones out of the fear of what I can do to them. Living alone feels like the only peaceful option.
I hope you get your tent in the field on a meadow on a mountain with a stream nearby.
I relate fully to this
I celebrate every day knowing that I am free and thanks to people like Dr. Ramani, I have learned how to spot the wolves and protect myself! I know that I can trust myself and my instincts…I won’t allow anyone to gaslight me ever again.
Lol, my dream is to be alone (with food being delivered) for a full year. No one talking to me, bothering me, no one else's needs but my own. I totally understand wanting to be in a tent in a field.
Please never stop this conversation, I’ve been following Dr Ramani for years but the interaction you two have every time you speak takes her message to a whole new level! Thank you, both of you ❤
"Just go get drunk under a tree somewhere." Love that. In other words, just get out. Amen!
Bingo! This video is where I am in my journey! Divorced from a narcissist of 26 years, moved halfway across the country and at 60+ years old, I find myself nervous about making all new friends. This gives me encouragement!
You got this Karla!
💪power to you!
You got this!
💕💕💕
You just gave me strength to make it though this day. Day 4 of no contact. Even small steps equal movement towards peace...right?
Not seeing, calling is the easy part. The hardest part, for me, has been to not contact them in my mind and in my heart. I have had to forbid myself from saying her name, because it makes it"real" for awhile. All transgressions are forgiven and a better life is possible No contact means NONE Thanks for your work
When she gets into your brain, put her out by thinking of a dancing clown.
Oh !! I just realized I do this ! I carry on conversations in my head with him all day. What a wake up call. And now that I'm aware of it I can stop it
It has been 12 months of no dating, just being with myself since the complete breakup. When I say complete breakup, I mean, I discovered the complete cut of all games, hope and trauma bonding 12 months ago.
And to be honest, I want to do another 12 months. The inner evolution I have experienced was so good, I want to go even deeper for a full 24 months ❤️❤️ (it was an 8 year relationship)
You are amazing! Thank you for sharing this
8 years for me too. 6 weeks no contact. Know the hoover is coming, this time I'm educated and clear that it's abuse.
I’ve been in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for 7 years. I am listening as I pack my things from my childhood home which I purchased with my abuser. I got the go ahead to move in to my first rental home by myself today and these videos have helped me gain the strength to do so
Sending you so much love!! SO much strength you already have!
Congrats! Best wishes ❤
@@katiecox8128 thank you so much love❤️❤️❤️
@@sister2mysoul thank you! 💕💕
You are extremely inspiring and strong. Wishing you so much support and blessings !
The hardest part of being in a narcissitic relationship for me is knowing that you at one point genuinely loved them and that they CAN be a kind person. At the same time, you also know that they will never know what TRUE love is and the "love" they give is unhealthy. I also feel like these narcissitic relationships are sad because they often are comprised of two traumatized individuals longing for love.
Based on my own experiences, their kind side is only a facade. It is not genuine. They are only nice when they want something from you. Their mean side is their true self.
The kind moments are copying behaviours, done to get something for themselves. They have zero empathy so they don't care. They may act kind because they want to show someone else up, or take down your boundaries. But you are correct Dr Sam vaknin has videos on the attraction of people to narcs and many have a fantasy they can rescue them or fix them, and others trade the abuse to avoid abandonment.
@@joywebster2678 mine only hugs me right before he asks for sex and only tells me he loves me because he wants to hear it back. If I don't respond, he'll ask. I'm so exhausted from the lack of affection/ connection and loneliness. My last 2 relationships were with narcs too. I'm so burned-out from these soul and energy stealing incubus.
For me the hardest part was looking back and realizing while I was fully opening my heart, and trusting them with it, and we had (well...now I know a lot was just "I had") so many happy times ..there was real love...but it went from so amazing to just totally derailed and toxic even though we cared still. But just that alone cannot keep a relationship alive.
The love wasnt faked..but the bad, projecting, paranoia etc. took over after a while..then add alcohol & other things to it and It just crashed that much faster and really traumatically (I'm sitting here questioning if that is an actual word..my brainfog is super ...foggy today. 🤦♀️ plus he knew what I went thru as a kid /teenager and it gave me PTSD to have to experience basically the same thing with the insane paranoia and me walking on eggshells (I'm not gonna get specific..but just really crazy stuff..ok I could go on forever .sorry about how long this is!
Basically (since I tend to go off topic a lot,) realizing that you were experiencing all this great stuff all while thinking your partner is right there with you, and has the same level or care and respect for you as you do for them....then when you look back you realize so much was just not the way you thought at ALL. I think, tho, it helps the healing process if you're trying to just get all that stuff out for good.
@@tarahj478 I know exactly what you are going through. It is very hard. Hang in there. 💗
Just hearing Dr. Ramani talking for an hour has settled my anxiety, and rise my intelligence and my sense of safety up a few knotchs. Thank you for hosting this conversation and for your testimony Lisa.
These talks rise the collective consciousness.
❤
For me, the way I did the tour, was finally realizing that I could write, and not be judged for my writing style, for how I think, and for loving the craft.
I cried last year (over a decade later) when I finally realized that there wasn’t someone sitting on my shoulder telling me I was always wrong, stupid, not read, and uneducated as a writer.
Nine months ago I separated from my narcissistic husband. And doctor Ramani and her videos are the only thing that have helped me understand and now heal.
One big danger is believing the lie that one person is singularly responsible for the health of another and or the relationship. The more he/she acts out the more friends family blame the other for not fixing it. It took years for me to realise that it was not my job to fix something l didn’t break. NARCS break relationships, people, partners, careers, children, reputations. We can’t actually fix something that is not our realm of responsibility. Knowing one is powerless over people, places and things is a life saver. Shaming is rampant in a society obsessed with perfection. I did not fail when l left the narcissist, l succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. People who survive narcissist abuse are physical, psychological, spiritual, ninjas. Be proud that life/childhood tested you and you emerged victorious, stronger and wiser than this world in general will ever acknowledge.
I love the way you expressed all of this. So true and beautifully said.
@Jennifer Moore, Good points. The narcissist makes big messes in a relationship, - it's a one way aggression from them, and then they expect the person who they attacked, to fix it! Without any explanation from them for the nastiness.
@@tarahj478 rfvsdhjh
Bravo, Jennifer, very well said! 👏🏽
I have a 1 year old son with what I know now as a narc. My god! Im speechless, I just didn’t know these kind of subtle games and manipulations were possible. Anyone co-parenting right now or in a relationship with a narc…my heart goes out to you! Stay strong 💪🏻
I’d never thought I would have a hero in my adult years, but it turns out that I do. It’s Dr. Ramani! Thank you so much.
I want to thank my Narcissist ex for pushing me to become the greatest version of myself by telling me how useless I am and how shitty of a mother I am. I am a single mom to a beautiful healthy baby boy who has a bad ass mother! He’s the loser here 💪🏽
@@melw3313 Aww. Thank you. Your words made my day! 🦋🙂
Yes!! Proud of you Sis.
Absolutely!
I’m so proud of you ❤ I was told the same thing
Ever so often I was told I was a lousy stepmother. He wanted me to say they were my kids not stepkids. It would make him so mad. They have a mom they love and I have my own grown children I pushed out of my own lady parts. I love and cared for his like a mom but the truth is I am their step mom. They didn't even call me mom and it's absolutely ok. If we loved and respected each other (the kids) why did a title matter so much?
So why when I left did he ask "what am I going to say to the kids??"
My response was easy...."tell them you've been trying to get me to leave for a long time and I finally heard you. Loud and clear. " 👌
Having had narcissistic or codependent parents makes it difficult to “learn the lesson.” Many people get stuck in trauma bonds because they are subconsciously familiar to their childhood experiences with their parents. You can *know* that a relationship is toxic but be addicted to it. Addictions are HARD to overcome. It’s not just about choice.
I think because Will and Jada is normal to me, I don't have a sixth sense about narcs. On a subconscious level, nothing seems off. I don't have my sixth sense screaming at me to run. Looking for signs that someone is good or bad only gets us so far. People hide things. Humans rely mostly on their intuition. People with good parents have good marriages. On paper, we may have had the same process, but the results are different because my intuition was skewed from the get go.
I don’t think people seek toxic , Family narcissistic Old Childish family orientating feeling .. Many don’t even know like myself what Narcissistic people or Narcissism , many Can’t live alone or , can’t manage to afford to be alone .. Trying to get away from your main Narcissistic attackers , you have to run and many run unto another narcissistic group of people .. it’s about The fear of being alone and doing things on your own .. Aswell as the inner Human ego to fight others ..
Most powerful advice ever. Succeed. Live your best life and be happy, without that person. They will have you believe you need them and no one will want you or that you wouldn't survive without them. Prove them wrong. Its the most painful thing ever for them. To see you happy and accompishing your dreams without them, while they're miserable and abusing a new supply.
I going through a divorce from a 30 years Toxic/Narcissis relationship,The lessons i went through for 30 years,I thank GOD everyday of my life.Im still here breathing breath of life....I keep continue to walk my faith and hope with my higher power.I feel i am in control of my own Destiney,I live for my 8 adult childrens 6 grandbabies,..Thats what keeping me going one day at a time,Seek my God and for strengh,courage,wisdom,peace.,
Amen! Congratulations for your faith, strength and joy 🥰
I find that that the first step to healing is to give yourself permission to heal, instead of the alternative which is to hold on to the past, blame yourself and think you don't deserve better. I love this from today's episode “It's not just about the trust of the other, it's about that you have the right to set a boundary, and that's about trusting yourself.”
how do you learn to trust yourself and experiences, because im so afraid of being not self aware, and being that guy who actually IS toxic, and doesn’t listen. how to you discern a smear campaign from quality critique. the narc has left me confused with little to no self trust. but i don’t even want to give them that power. i blame myself for having no self trust. :/
I like the way you think. However, I will forever say the first step in healing is forgiveness
Why you don’t allow yourself time to heal you can make it worse by falling back in 🙌🏽
@@kenyaonkoba9713 Start with following through on promises you make to yourself. Small promises first and build up. Just my opinion.
I have taken my life back on one treat me that way again im a person not a thing I that should be treated better ! No,No one will ever do thimgs u did to me ever!
Careful, narcissists can escalate to domestic violence. Wishing everyone safety and love
Very true. I was very much trauma bonded and actually escalated things to a point of no return because I knew that once a line is crossed my self-preservation instinct will kick in and I will break free from the "spell". I would not recommend this because our physical fights were terrifying, but it was a wakeup call for me.
Narcissist abuse is akin to living in a domestic violence situation. In my state domestic violence includes nonphysical factors and behaviors.
My recent relationship ended when the narc became physically violent! A horribly traumatic experience that I am continuing to recover from 14 months later. X
@@melw3313 I have travelled that road too - almost word for word. Mine told me that I was a manipulative user and shoved me into walls when I finally went to retrieve some of my belongings! Trust your instincts. If you felt vulnerable, then you probably were! X
Very true! It did for me and being in denial of me being a domestic abuse survivor kept me there for a whole other year and things only got worst..
17:30
22:50 artifacted childhood
33:58 nobody is yelling at me, I am safe
38:14 desire/value
41:10 not trusting themselves, mistrust own judgements, feeling shame too have to trust them
We tend to over-correct
44:25 boundaries - see all the healthy relationships you have!
56:21 revenge is to find your bliss
When Dr. Ramani said she would just say a white lie if she finds it difficult to set a solid boundary on the spot to somehow reach the end result she wants, which is to remove herself from a situation she doesn’t feel safe in- that was so reassuring. Here I was beating myself up over my choice of “approach” in removing myself from a relationship that got toxic, instead of being proud of actually getting out! I needed to hear this…thank you ❤
Yes. Wow now I just remove myself or ignore when I notice someone is being dysfunctional. I don’t give it no more energy.
in essence we fell in love with ourselves.
they mirrored every strength,
every beautiful quality
you have!
you are everything they are not !!
sending so much healing 💗
Yes absolutely!! He was definitely my shadow work, learned alot about myself
Excellent point!
Isn't falling in love with yourself narcissistic?
@DrRamani needs to pin this to the top. It's the exact analogy. I just learned the story behind the mythology of Narcissis and Echo. Never become THEIR ECHO. His only worth was the image of himself he fell in love with.
Love and healing back atcha!🥰
"Revenge is you get the CAT you always wanted" YES!!! thank, you!!!
And my beautiful Standard Poodles get to sleep in my room in the house 🏠I own.
I get to set the air-conditioning at the temperature I want!
😢thank you. I'm a month and a half out of a vulnerable narcisistic relationship and it was like that. One minute he was amazing, the next the world was against him and I was apart of that world and he was angry at everything I did. I had a relapse of talking to him a week ago and I've been so depressed because it was the love bombing all over again and promising me that he would change. I even said on the phone that I wish I could beleive him but know he'd change his mind after we hung up the phone. I definitely future faked myself, held onto hope for so long, made excuses and now I feel like I have no where to turn. My friends and family are great, but I don't know who I am anymore. Thank you for this video
I can't believe how many times I have listened to this, and it's like listening to it for the first time everytime. I always get a new lesson. Thank you!!
Same..
Even when you are out of the relationship, your head is still in it, constantly ruminating, reliving it, waging war in your own head, fighting in your head, justifying why you left, trying to remember all the bad things that happened...yip, and mine was only a friendship, not even nearly as bad as most people who are married or have narc families. It's exhausting.
Same here. Took me more than two decades to figure it out and realize it was not my fault and THEY were the screwed up. I Just left…. Boom went no contact.
I'm doing all you describe but I feel so so grateful for finding Dr Ramani who showed me the way to save my soul! ❤️
Mine was just a course mates not even friends but their abuse is demonic I blocked them all
yup.
I’m going through that now. 4.5 years of being friends/lovers. From all the conversations we’ve had and the behaviors I’m starting to believe he is a covert narcissist but I’m not sure 100 percent. I care and love him as a friend now but I can’t just turn my back on him.
Incredible person reading this, you have everything there is to succeed in life, whatever that is for you. Go after the life you truly want NOW! ✨
I believe in you! Love - Nat ❤️
❤️
Ty. U Made my day. ❤️🥺
Thank you Nathalie ❤️ I am here watching video and reading comments because I feel so defeated and drained at the moment. I read your comment and got goosebumps and now am feeling a little better.
Yes yes I deed....I always wanted to become a high professional sychocology!!!!!
I'm devastated. I recently defended myself against their chronic scapegoating and received the news that my Dad wished he had given me away like my little sister ... for not letting them abuse me. My step mom said she would turn my dad against me before she died, and she did. That means no one in the family is allowed to love me. I'm moving on, but with a broken heart.
I am so sorry
What miserable horrible people 😰 Love yourself. Create your own “family”. I can tell by the way that you write, that you are a lovable person. Live your best life - you deserve it 🤗
@lori olson sending you healing vibes sister. Broken heart is hard to move on with. I am struggling also.
I'm sorry. Luckily, you are a wonderful person, unlike your family. You don't need to be around evil people like them. Find you a new family.
You are not alone. You'll be ok..I'm sorry this happened to you..
I’m in a relationship since 17 years. From the beginning, our relationship was already problematic. We had so many fights about silly things and most of them came from him and his jealousy and control. I looked over those problems because of love and I thought it was normal, that later it will get better.
17 years later and I’m in a point where I just feel exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the narcissist. The thing is that when it’s about me talking about what is going wrong in the relationship, he goes full defense, doesn’t let me speak, Sets angry in his voice and at the end I feel like I alone am the Problem. It’s the things that get done that hurt my feelings and is disrespectful and him acting like nothing happened. Those day’s where I adress his instant disrespect and rudeness and him turning the tables and making me feel like I’m ungrateful.
I’m tired of this relationship and I want to leave. This video is really informative and I hope it helps me to take courage to change my situation.
😞
Care about yourself. Don't spend the rest of your life being hurt.
this is my story...the same...I am preparing every day to leave. Every morning I say to myself: this is the day but my body is not listening because I am too tired to do anything...
Dr Rameni saved me, I spent the first lockdown listening to her on youtube. My eyes were opened, finally I understood everything.
I left my narcissist, moved hundreds of miles away & created a new life for myself. Blocked him & all his associates on all platforms, so no hoovering opportunities were available to him.
Enjoying my freedom
Same..:: 70 days in!!!!!
Congratulations. Day 2 away!!! I listened to some programs on my iPad for the first time without having to wear earbuds, it was nice.
Same...38 days! I had the best Valentine's day by myself, I showered myself with self love all day!
I’ve never liked that phrase “you teach people how to treat you.” I’m so glad Dr. Romani discussed it in this video. For me, it has always had a dismissive victim blaming tone to it too.
The emotionally sadistic narcissist derives enjoyment from hurting someone. More than physical abuse, they are experts at manipulating people's emotions until they feel broken. They intimidate their partners to prevent them from expressing criticism or disapproval of their actions and decisions😔✨☘️🙏
AMEN WELL SAID
I can personally say the year off while not in a relationship was so healing and necessary.
You are worthy, valuable and loved, do not let your past define who you are. You do not need someone to be with you to know you are good enough, walk away from those people do not value and respect you , because you deserve the best. . By walking away form those people you are showing to the world how much you love yourself.
*Remind yourself every day how amazing you are and that you deserve the best*
P.D. You do not need to prove anything to anyone, not even to that narcist, when you seek revenge you let the other person win because they still control your mind and emotions, wish them good luck in your head and move on with your life and forget they ever existed this mindset heals wounds faster.
Love your comment!
Thank u
So true! That’ s a really good piece of advice👍
Such reassuring and helpful comments!
Great comment- how true the revenge seeking and other obsessive dwelling on someone is giving them power over your mind, energy and time is! It’s not a good way to do life as it adds nothing worthwhile to it.
Hold out for being cherished!!! My partner and I were both in previous narcissistic relationships (him more than me). It’s taken a lot of work on our end to not bring our old wounds into the relationship and helping each other heal. A lot of tough conversations and patience but being in a loving supporting relationship is so freeing. We both talk about how wonderful it is to feel like we can be ourselves with each other and how we can communicate without fear of ramifications. We have a lot of mutual love and respect for each other and we allow each other to have their own opinions and perceptions. Life is so fun and fulfilling with him. His love and affirmation has healed my heart in so many ways, just as mine has done for him. It wasn’t an easy road to get here but our journeys have made us so thankful for each other. Don’t lose hope and don’t settle. Don’t believe the abuser and bully, you deserve to be cherished!
Ty🥰❤️
I don't know what it feels like to be cherished.
@@sallyb470 Maybe start with cherishing and nurturing yourself. Start the process of getting cherished by others by taking small steps to cherish yourself. If you don't know how to start, look up "how to start cherishing ourselves."... you eventually attract what you're looking for, because they'll be a reflection of what you're doing already--cherishing yourself.
You give such hope for the future, thank you! ❤️
A King will always cherish because he will be chivalrous. All Queens should be cherished and they will find their knights and help them to become a King.
"Giving away precious mental resources". That's why I left.its was just always something.. They never let you focus on anything about you, your future, or anything that brings you happiness that has nothing to do with them.
Thank you God for sending this message in my path today. I will be kind to myself and allow myself the time and space to heal. I will be even better when it’s all said and done. To anyone going through this know your not alone 💕
🎉
I left a narcissist almost 2 years ago, this summer I'm taking my redemption tour to Europe to make new memories. My ex was not a good "travel buddy". I will most likely go alone, but meet friends while there. I like this idea of recontextualizing the places that hold "bad" memories.
It is such an amazing idea! Love it! You are going to have so much fun. The best part about travelling alone is that you dont have to compromise. You will be able to do whatever you want without someone pouting next to you. Total bliss! Have a great trip!
Beautiful Tiffany! May you experience the thrill of adventure, joy, and laughter - I’m imagining you and your inner child exploring Europe - no bullies allowed!!💜
fall in love with 'ROME' i did. The trevi ⛲ fountain, sistine chapel, spanish steps, Roman colosseum, Pont de Angeles to CastelSant'Angelo, st.Peter's square by via de reconciliacion, piazza navona, pantheon...
Have a great time! Traveling alone and meeting friends sounds perfect and very low pressure after what you went through. Take time to take pictures and savor the beauty around you. I hope to do something similar soon. :)
@@Violets14 me too was meant to do Europe last year but with Covid sad hopefully soon 🙏
Such a generous, generous human being. Dr. Ramani, and the wealth of knowledge and experience she shares has been a huge part of me leaving a 25 year nightmare.
"Teach people, how to treat you." ❤
❤wow I’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse from friends and family. Both of my parents, ex friends, other relatives. I just cut them off and distance myself and it’s been great. Moving away from my parents was one of the best things of my life. The enabling part is so true. Ppl would tell me “It’s just your family, family is family.”
A guy I used to date back in 2016 continues to try to add me on Facebook. He sent me a friend request on Christmas last year and I just blocked him for good.
Great, as always!
One warning though: after years and years of narcissistic abuse, solitude can become addictive..
I was wondering about that... The first 6 months away I pushed myself to get out and socialize and be around people it's only been for the past month that I've gone into solitude mode I could care less about socializing right now I don't know what that means but she says solitude is good we'll see...
@@lisavansant961 Yeah, you'll see. I agree that it can be addictive and I've been in solitude for more than a year where after a year, I discovered this artistic side of me that I never knew. Essentially, I have reinvented myself as a professional painter just by being in solitude. Which is good. It is addictive. It is bad. The reason why I say bad is because of that icky feeling when you started to get into your head again. So yeah, give yourself permission to do anything because I promise you, your voice of intuition will return just like how I noticed that icky feeling after solitude.
So true
Yes, it's not hurry up and heal. Take your time to heal. It was 9 years ago for me since the relationship, and I've been alone ever since. I didn't trust anyone and especially not myself for not falling for it again. But I have been in therapy and learning how to trust myself and others again and I now feel stronger and wiser than ever. Don't give up when you feel lost, you've been through something horrible. But you can do this. You got the courage!
Blessings Pauline! Hope you are living your best life 🙏🏼💖
Today I am broken & have no courage to get up from being pinned down to the ground as someone who is at fault 100% times, who is mannerless, who is to be blamed for every little things in life, who is smaller than someone ego, who has never got any assurance of love… today the dream of beautiful life I imagined while getting married is shattered cuz I know i am in a mentally abusive relationship… I am done today.. whoever is reading this… this too shall pass.. value yourself
Thank you for helping me realize that it was OKAY to say "no" to the invitation by my mother and Godmother to Casa Greque where it seems I have a public cry every year on my birthday. This time I cried at home, alone, and wasn't ashamed or embarrassed. Next year I will be on a beach. ❤
As an individual having experienced this. Believe her words 100%. Hats off to Lisa for covering on this topic. Really no one can understand this unless having experienced it.
I no this is crazy I'm experiencing it now he just discarded me I new I should of did it first but I couldn't then he left 😢the only bad thing is we have a baby together I no he did the best thing was leaving
I 100% agree - being single, no sex or dating for a year, has been so empowering and liberating and I'm actually celebrating it with my friends in March - and I encourage my other friends to spend the time with themselves and find themselves after a relationship because I want to feel whole on my own and have better boundaries and feel safe and comfortable with them. It's really such a great feeling as scary as it is at first - if you've never been completely on your own - you need to do it so you can feel comfortable not to make compromises that hurt you for a relationship or safety. Best advice.
Correct.
LOVE THIS ❤️
It's a good standard to give yourself! Keep on keeping on, brother! We got this..
Bahahaha whatever
With years in isolation, i have no friends and I have also discovered my son is a narcissist and his father I was always the carer the fixer the joker I put myself last then he stole all the money from the sale of my house! my brother was a narcissist as was my father but we didn't have the knowledge back then I live in the UK in SomersetNow but because of their actions i am in second rate accommodation
I find it very sad that there is considered a class of people who will never grow, and never really experience genuine happiness..
This lady so,so helped me 2 heal. Eyes wide,shut. I once was blind,but now i see. I was in a bad mental and physical,place. I can say 100% that I would not be here,if I stayed,and it would not of been by his hands. I am 2 years out,after 25 long............. year's. I never believed I would be in this place,happy!!!!!! I was in a ball,on the floor,crying. I now stand tall! I am getting 2 know me! When I walked,he came at me, 1 million times worse,then when we was together,but I stood tall,and I will never,ever,so back. You have to choose u. The other option,is a dark place,and more lonely, then on your own. You have got this peeps. U r stronger,then u know x I wish everyone ❤ and contentment x
I “abandoned” him over a year ago. I left our house with our son and the clothes on my back and started over. IT WAS difficult emotionally but it was worse to stay. It kept getting worse and more abusive especially if I stood up for myself. I HAD TO LEAVE, TO SURVIVE. Self compassion helped I am loving myself and seeing more and more how abusive he was the farther away from him I am. I’m LEARNING to have boundaries and self compassion lessons are being learned❤️
wow that must of been hard but you did it good fir you
I didddd it also..after 24 years and I ran AWAY from the toxic people...the cat was a issue..my sickness was a issue...The guy would watch movies in the office...not spend time with me...talk about private things behind other's back.my back...yell... screaming in the truck...what happens in the house stays in the house...no one will ever want you except for your body...The people who hurt me..knew I would be hurt if they hurt me and I saw the games, no respect for me, driving fast and knowing that I deal with Chronic pains..and said let go of the MONEY..when I see the games I want to run AWAY..my own son acted the same way..he was narc and this other person had zero and with my help he turned around and hurt me by taking money selling me a lemon that had ISSUES and Family member said give it back and he can resell it when it had ISSUES..My x was one. my daughter..my son..all the best to all but I am taking care of ME...it hurts me...real hard..He scream in my face terrible thing so much...I DNT like sneaky lier people..what happens in the dark will come out to the light..no one can mock Jeh and.
Yes Jennifer I felt your pain because I to have dealt with a narcissist for years and I did everything how they want things done and they still found fault in me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so unhappy on the inside. I also found out he talked about me like a dog to his family. I couldn’t stay with him another second. I left and moved to another state with my church and family. I am in the process of looking for a place. I am living with my niece and have never been happier. I will never go back and have to deal with emotional abuse again.
@@anais457 I’m proud of us!
Self compassion
To anyone seeking to have a successful relationship, whether it's the 1st, 2nd or 3rd, first deep dive into your own past, work out your own issues with your own self, face your own demons, your own traumas, your excess baggage you have been carrying from your family of origin, resolve all this first, and only then embark on a new relationship. Otherwise it's likely to end up the same way 🙏
Yes yes yes yes! So true
Amen!!!!
Yes..I totally agree. I was doing this when I met my ex. My mistake was not completely healing from every past hurt and ignoring all the bad signs from him. Time to do better next time around.
How much more time 🙁
It’s been 3 years, and I still feel like all of it was my fault, I feel ashamed, and I wasn’t the one who cheated and demanded power for years. This is tough . I’m finally out of the relationship, but we must co parent, so I feel like I will never be free of his constant aggravation . I try “grey rock” but……. The narcissist finds their way around any hope of peace. ❤️
To anyone in this situation right now, it will not improve, you know you can’t change someone, and please don’t stay together for financial security, or “for the kids” I’m still reeling from the head damage, but my own little house that I finally made it out to, is very peaceful and nice. There are people that will help you if you are in an abusive situation. Please keep hope.
It’s so difficult to walk away and stay no contact. I no longer have a family and it’s relieving but so, so sad. Here’s to 2 years strong!!
The urge to get revenge is so strong. It’s the hardest part! Also, I think it’s difficult when you leave a narcissist because you often lose friends and acquaintances, and your legacy gets to be written by the narc.
Now I pray psalm 35 and 36 against them. It is comforting to know they will have to give an account to God for every vile word and deed.
Your legacy will not be written by the narc. Most people will know it’s phony and most people including these friends you speak of will see the truth if they don’t already know it. From the moment you leave the narcissist and start a new life you have just changed your legacy to something far better than you had before. I understand that urge for revenge - big time! but that urge will continue to diminish as you live on without them. Remember the best revenge is truly living your own life a good life. The narcissist knows that you dumped them and have no use for them and it kills them! So focus on your own future. And yes they will still have to face karma in the end. I wish you the best, you can do it!🙏🏽🥰
+Dana Williams thank you for your words. I needed to hear that.
Yes love bombing devalue discard smear campaign flying monkeys. These people are so predictable.
It’s terrible. That is why they need to have a special place in hell!
I used to wonder why I had to meet my abusive ex. Why he had to tear me down so much that I felt I'd need years of therapy to recover. How is that fair? But recently I flipped the narrative to something more positive. I truly believe I met him because my entire life I have lacked boundaries. Last month it hit me: "how can I expect others to respect my boundaries if I don't honour them myself?" That revelation was huge for me and I feel like my life has completely changed since then. My (narcissistic) ex continues to harass me almost daily since our break up HALF A YEAR AGO. even tonight he is hounding me to call him. But I no longer respond. I don't need him to respect my boundaries... but I do know now that I am going to respect my boundaries and remain no contact. For my own sanity!!!! I have never felt so good. Been binging Dr Ramani for DAYS! Funny how this video just popped up. Knowledge is power in the course of healing
Love that. Yes!!!
Proud of you!! Block him.
Same, I feel like he was sent to me to finally make peace with my narc mother. I grew up saying " it's not me it's you", I was right!
Same, the narc in my life made me realise my mother is one. Suddenly my entire life made sense. Now I have zero tolerance for ANY nonsense.
Best revenge is walking away from them messy jealous demons they need you you don’t need them
“Failing at healing” really resonates with me. Some days I think healing and grieving can last a lifetime. Thank you both for your videos!
My boyfriend was sick from cancer and medical complication for years and I never knew he was a narcissist before he passed away. I was under the impression that everyone gets screamed at in relationships until I met my current boyfriend a year ago. I still feel on my guard all the time, but it is so nice to finally settle into feeling safe and not being in trouble and criticised all the time. I wish I found the "stay single for a year" advice sooner and I definitely would have done that, but I got lucky with a sweetheart of a man. Dr. Ramani has really helped me work through a lot and I am very thankful for all of her work.
My ex also had health issues and is also a narc. I never got yelled at so much. I figured it was the disease but he's mean to everyone. He has no friends and I really think he just used me to go with him to the hospital and help him recover. He seems to only want women for sex and care.
I have a narcissistic mother who I walked away from 6 years ago and I struggle everyday. I've read books, watched podcasts, but I still suffer. I have peace, but I'm afraid of regretting my decision. I don't see my father or brother because of her either, I just couldn't stand the abuse anymore. I hope you all heal, it's definitely hard to recover or know what to do. My mom wouldn't go to therapy with me because she said there is nothing wrong with her and I'm the one who needs the therapy. She's so sick, but will never face it.
Don't feel regret cutting out the people that choose chaos in your life. I cut all of mine also including my only son. It was the best decision for me due to me being an empath. Find your tribe in other places. Facebook group's or friends help when your lacking that supportive person in your life.
So proud of you. I feel guilt to see my narcissistic mother once a week since she’s now dying of cancer.
@@AlonaBallardBuckeyeJeans u r there for her so u r a good person . it is hard.but dont let the guilt upset u bc u had to protect yourself to be as strong as you have become.
I had to double check that this wasn't a comment I had written.
Yes!! It only serves you to stop engaging and walk away from the toxic people ❤!
God placed this woman in my algorithm at the perfect time that I needed to educate myself about narcissists. I have been married to a narcissist for 12 years and I have been I great suffering since then. 😮💨😣😣 This sheds the light I needed during my darkest times. Thank you. 🙏🏽
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I hope you are finding your path to peace. 🙏🏻
Jesus Christ is your Only Hope! Rest in his Love and peace! Call out to him and Ask him to reveal himself to you. Get a Bible and Start Reading in The Gospels and Especially the Gospel of John. Obey the Gospel Message and Get saved, then ask Jesus to lead you out of the trap of the Narcissist’s Control over your heart and emotions. He will give you wisdom and a Peace that surpasses understanding.🙏🙏🙏💕
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Bibi King, I suggest that you watch all of Dr Ramani's videos. It will all become clear in time. You will be free. Hugs.
I am in fourth year of healing and learned to love eating out alone,walks in the parks are so pleasant and I wake up feeling good each day. I had forgotten what I enjoyed doing and lived in the shadow of a man who I can see now never respected me at all. When you learn to love yourself , alone is not lonely. I can recognize the red flags now and pay attention to the energy and my gut feeling when I get around people like the narcissist I left. Knowledge and time alone was so necessary.
So true Marianne ,when I get that feeling around someone Im gone.
Thank you for this video. It is so timely. I am a better navigator of my own life, but still in some grief over the loss of my sisters and an 11-year one-night stand. Moving 3,000 miles away to another state and cutting off contact... saved my life (literally). It isn't easy, but it's MINE. I was the scapegoat and I allowed it and believed it. The fears you are speaking about relate totally to me. It was fearful for a long while, but slowly, I am comfortable with who I am. I was hoovered when the ex texted me after 4 years. I know I have grown and evolved because there WAS no feeling whatsoever; however, I did speak to him just to hear what he had to say....I let him talk all about himself and was NOT hoovered back in, even though I live in a different State miles away...he was calling to tell me he was going to be in my area. I was polite, did not express any offers to meet up, told him I wish him well. Then I blocked my number and finally I changed my number. I feel free.
👆👆👆👆👆
The user pointed above she’s a life saver. I’ve been married to a narcissist for more than 16 years anytime I want to live he acts like he has changed but every time things get worst until 24 years of marriage I couldn’t live because I do much loved him 😢. I started looking for a solution then I met GODDESS SEELAH which told me to not give up on him with her help now my narcissistic husband is like a baby 😂. Are you suffering from it?? Are you dating a narcissist?? Check out the user above she will help you. ✅..
So proud of you 🥰🤘🌞. You got your Life Back. Treat it with respect and kindness.
@@hopperweiter7235 Thank your words of wisdom! "you got your life back. treat it with respect and kindness". MY LIFE. Blessings to you for that nugget of gold.
A few lessons I have learned from dealing with my experiences. You have to let go of the idea that they will change or that they deserve any kind of compassion because they are ill. This may sound inhuman, but it isn't.
You have to take that energy and use it to heal yourself. It is not your job to worry or even think about them. You have been trained to see them as the one who deserves special attention. I'll give you an idea of how they think of you. You are the dog crap that they find on their shoe. That is how they truly feel . It is that simple.
If they are family members, you have to eliminate that family bond or feeling of familial obligation. Whatever you went through is not how family members should treat you. You do not have to love them anymore. Period. You should regard them as your worst enemy because they are. Don't worry about the idea that you are becoming someone like them or someone that you don't recognize. You are simply defending your soul from any more damage. It is all based on the guilt you have been forced to feel by not meeting their standards.
It is more than ok to love yourself. You are worthy and deserving of respect and genuine love. The best place to find that is from yourself. Lastly, forgive yourself for possibly feeling like a fool because you got entangled or that you put up with it for so long. Good Luck and break free.
What she said about being alone for a while true but, fair warning once you learn to live on your own you’ll get addicted and avoid people.
This resonates with me, it’s quite true, I need people less and less. Love my own company. 💕
I’m addicted
It’s just pure bliss
I left my Narc family and reaching out to my friends and families only shattered my heart further. Everyone, literally abandoned me.
I'm sorry to hear that
I lost everything too. Don’t give up, wait it out and build yourself up. There are people who will love you and recognize your amazingness. Also, some of the people I lost eventually saw the truth and came back into my life very sorry for getting duped by the narc. God will restore your life. Keep your circle small. Be willing to make safe friendships. I’m 54 and I have been adopted into a wonderful family who truly loves me just the way I am. Believe in yourself and put the effort you used to put on to the narc into yourself and others who receive your positive energy. Throw off all the gaslighting you’ve heard for years from those who only want to use you as a source and a scapegoat. You are wonderful and worthy!! Absolutely have boundaries as high as the wall of China toward questionable people. There’s always a great set of people out there that we can allow in our lives. Find those people, there are healthy, lovely people out there. A barista, a store clerk, a bank teller, a client, a child, etc. look around your daily life and start showing kindness and it will be returned and it is so healing. Also it’s better to get “rejected “ by a stranger than to give people so many chances and then get rejected. We don’t have to feel like we’re missing out on someone because there are lines of people who are worth it. I’ve found that a lot of people I had thought were quirky, the wrong age, wrong religion, status, etc. weren’t my type of people. But “misfits” have been the best and most empathetic people I’ve had the pleasure to get to know. And I’m proud to be a unique misfit myself. Love people and they will return the love. But drop the red flag people immediately before you attach in any way. Never fear those upfront tough choices. If you are wrong to avoid someone be aware that it’s up to them to prove you were wrong if they care enough. Build some close friendships first before looking for love. Friends will always be there with you through all your efforts to find love, if you only look for a good lover you will not have anyone to support you when those relationships don’t work out. Just my experience. ❤
Same
Yeah family is the worst ive been dealing with it too it's very hard.
@@paulcooper5748 Same here. I'm grateful to be clearing out all of these people (even though it hurts) because I can use this space for people who love me. You will make it too. Keep going❤
“Does this dinner feel better? Because I’m guessing it does.” TRUTH!
I realized I was married to a narcissist for 34 yrs. He passed away and it’s been 10 yrs. And I never want another husband. I love being single and it’s so much peaceful being alone. I have friends and family but I enjoy being alone a lot of the time.