Therapist PROVES You’re Not CRAZY!! This Is How You Deal with GASLIGHTING | Nedra Glover Tawwab
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On Today's Episode:
Gaslighting is one of those words that once you hear about it, you think to yourself “that’s what I’ve been dealing with all this time!?” When someone is gaslighting you, they are undermining your reality by denying facts and making you think you’re crazy. You find yourself asking questions like: Am I at fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I crazy? Do I need to start recording my conversations? Nedra Glover Tawwab is joining Lisa in this episode to take a deeper dive into manipulation and more specifically, gaslighting. If you’ve been in a relationship where you weren’t even aware that you were being gaslit, or you didn’t have the word to perfectly capture all the craziness and frustration, this is for you! Knowing how to recognize it is the first step in knowing how to respond and avoid being a victim of gaslighting in the future. These are unhealthy relationships to be a part of, getting the knowledge you need so you can apply it in the future is the beginning of stepping into your power.
3 Impactful Ideas from Nedra:
• It's completely okay to not be perfect.
• Arguing is a choice.
• Conflict is a growth tool.
Check Out Nedra’s 1st Episode, Don’t Be Manipulated: • Therapist Reveals How ...
SHOW NOTES:
Gaslighting | Nedra explains why most people don’t realize it’s happening [2:26]
Apologies | The harm of apologizing when it’s not your fault, not being given apology [5:36]
Change Behavior | Focus on the behavior first not the origin story, action is a must [9:04]
Arguing | Nedra breaks down why arguing is a choice, you do not have to engage [12:29]
Speak Up | Nedra on finding courage to stand your ground and say it’s not your fault [16:14]
Internal Work | Practicing how to externalize the internal dialogue you should be having [20:21]
Be Assertive | Nedra explains difference between assertive and aggressive behavior [23:44]
Behaviors to Stop | Nedra breaks down conflict, the need to be right and denying others [28:21]
Preferences | Nedra exposes why arguing is usually about preferences [33:25]
QUOTES:
“When you're being gaslit, there's no better way to communicate, you could say it five different ways, 100 different times, and this person will say to you, you're not being clear, you're not asking for what you want.” [3:10]
“Anytime you're trying to apologize to keep the peace, that's not an authentic apology. An authentic apology is, I feel like I have truly wronged you, I apologize, and I'm willing to change my behavior.” [6:50]
“It's very hard to acknowledge that you're at fault for something, it doesn't feel good to be accountable. It's not my favorite thing, but it is the thing that I do because it is necessary, and I normalize it” [9:52]
“If you're trying to convince me that I did something for myself to be mistreated, no! We can't have a conversation about that because that's not true. You're making the choice to mistreat me. “ [13:16]
“Sometimes we do things that we're not proud of, and you have to deal with that. And when you deal with that, that helps you to do better in the future,but if you're ignoring it, that means that you continue to mistreat people and to behave in ways that are unhealthy in your relationships.” [15:12]
“We have to hold space to not be perfect, and to acknowledge when we are harming other people.” [18:37]
“Lots of things that we argue about. It is a preference, it's not a rule. It is a place in our relationship where we need to communicate more. [33:41]
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What are ways you deal with being gaslit?
I've become a master truth seeker, perhaps a bit too much, or perhaps the world is not yet ready for people who've had it or perhaps I just haven't found a way to gently set boundaries. I love this therapist & follow her on Instagram!
I simply shut my mouth and ghost those who gaslight me.
😱 no reply
I had this realization with what I felt was my closest friends. My friend was super nice and generous with me, but if she didn’t like something I said or did, she would get angry and criticized me harshly. Then would tell me I caused her to get angry, I gaslighted her or used her as a punching bag. I felt crazy because I didn’t do that to her. She did it to me. 😕 For a few years I felt uncomfortable but she would apologize and tell me she wouldn’t do it again. I guess I didn’t want to lose her, so I tolerated it. Until I spoke to my family about it and they told me that she was abusing me.
I keep my boundaries place and I do call it out if someone is being aggressive with me. If they want to deal with it they can, if not I can only tolerate so much and I leave the situation.
I hope one day every single young girl knows about narcissistic behavior, gaslighting, and all the toxic behaviors BEFORE they start any relationship.
This is my hope too!
Yeah and learn not to do it to their man/mate
This is why mentorship is important in community's! Start mentoring young ladies wherever you are. Start the movement, create the system for initiation into a wisdom tradition.
@@TerryByrdJr Narcissistic Personality disorder is not something you “do” to someone, it is a very real disorder that has real causes. The narcissist will almost never be able to change. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.
*FACTS* ❤❤❤
Gaslighting is one of the most disgusting forms of abuse I've ever experienced!
It should be the EIGHTH deadly sin!
When I realize that I’m arguing with a person who doesn’t want:
A) the truth
B) understanding of my perspective
C) a peaceful resolution, even if it means we agree to disagree
…I’m out
✌🏽
I'm borrowing these 3! Very good. ✌🏻🙌🏻
Amen!
What truth? Just your truth from your perspective or the facts, as they are revealed through discussion, even if the facts reveal that you are the one at fault?
@@janelleberryman-nosik8246
TY, for those questions.
Yes, even if I am at fault. It is ok.
However, some people aren't ready or unable to hear things from another person's perspective and allow that person to have their own view and feeling for their own experience.
Especially, if they have much unhealed or unresolved traumas.
**They are only able to view things through their trauma lens- Lisa Romano**
We truly can have the same experience and have a different perspective and different feeling about it. No one else has to validate our feelings. We are allowed to all have our own individual feelings. & We are responsible for self soothing ourselves. However, many are taught that others must agree with their feelings. Which feeling are just barometers to alert us about something. Feelings are changeable.
For me things aren't about being right or wrong, except when it pertains to tolerating abuse. Otherwise, it is about hearing different perspectives, even if your perspective doesn't change. Hearing another's perspective doesn't mean that you must change your perspective. However, I have had many encounters with group think where others desire one to agree with everything and not to have their own experience nor feelings.
Namaste
🕊️Peace 🤸 Shalom 🐵
All these sum up my mom and her husband.
I remember being confused all the time and asking myself "how did this even turn into an argument?" Lol i felt nuts
Yes 🙌 this totally
Oh. my. god. I thought that so many times. And in hindsight I realize he was going to have an argument whether I agreed with him or not.
@@smarteam5920 I understand.
Same here...it's was like the Twilight Zone..
I have had enough. I know better now.
Apologies can be tricky; just ended a relationship with a man who consistently ignored my requests, apologized for bad behaviour, then did the same thing instantly afterwards.
Changed behavior accompanies an apology, if it's real! Here's to a wonderful healing journey when you decide to no longer accept this type of behavior.
Oh f
Same, very recently as well. I'm glad you got out 💕
Run!!! 💃🏽
Me too. Yay us.
“Your making a choice to mistreat me”! Wow I’m just learning so much at almost 40. Better late than never. Thank you for this episode
Me too girl
I am 40, and just started learning about all this a few months ago.
Been with my husband almost 13 years and the last several years I feel like he has no heart, no soul, and sometimes even no brain. I tell him all the time he's an empty robot.
Now that I am aware of and understand narcissism, I now understand why I feel so lonely and unloved. Gaining this knowledge is giving me strength to stand back up and love myself again, and stop equating my value with the way he treats me.
@@kimpaintscanvas7023 I love the no brain
U r soooo right
Get your freedom back !!!!!
For real. I gave far too many excuses.
How I wish I was almost 40 when I woke up to my reality!! I was on my late 40’s and early 50’s but like you said” Better late than never” 💕
I love how she mentioned apologizing to keep the peace. So many people have done this to me in the past to get me to drop the issue, but it never resolves anything. It’s a tool to disarm someone.
Sure....
Interesting. I didn’t see it like that . I found myself always having to be the bigger person and my partner trying to prove me wrong and not taking accountability. So I found myself apologizing to keep the peace but because he didn’t believe he was ever at fault
@@sierra4070 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re doing better now. I think it’s important to look at intention. A lot of manipulators apologize to escape accountability without changing their behavior, which I pointed out from my experience. There are nuances to this situation, so it can differ from one person to another.
@@petermburu7577 Your response contributed absolutely nothing to the discussion. Go troll somewhere else 🤡.
@@strugglingmillennial1298 thank you I am doing much better ! Your post was like an “aha” moment for me and I had to reflect on if in fact because I was apologizing was I in a way being manipulative but thinking back on my intentions in those moments I was doing it because this person was making me feel like it was my fault that they disrespected me. I can understand the different tactic of apologizing used in your experience
Omg!!! We all think this would never happen to us until it does. Keep strong and LEAVE when the situation is putting you down. Trust yourself and listen to yourself. I love you.
❤❤❤
Thank you! Your comment help me feel more confident and supported with the discussion I had to make today- that was two and a half years overdo. Stay strong! Be kind to yourself First and foremost! Be assertive. I love you.
@@saraorsara2835 I am here now. Three year relationship that I have tried ending I’ve 50 times - finally broke it off today. I like hearing that you’re in a better place now and that it took a while. Means that you’ve earned it.
@@saraorsara2835 I had been wonder why I wanted to leave him from the beginning> I had thought it was my problem because I could not handle the relationship well with people. Now I finally realize I had been so naive and accepted what he labeled on me. I cannot leave him now, but I understand I have to stand up for myself. Don't betray yourself.
So true . always trust yourself and what you feel intuitively.
She gets it. Standing up for yourself for the first time....no better feeling.
Just walked away from a four year relationship because it was toxic and he didn’t like boundaries. Since then he wants me to go back. But no I rather be alone. It opened my eyes and it was gaslighting. II took control over my life. It has been a big eye opener.
Good for you sister, proud of you!!!!!!
Baby I know. Every time I told my ex I don't want to try again he said, you make me waste my life. Nah, homeboy. You made a choice. That's control and manipulation. Narcissistic personality
I did three years. Worst three years of my life
I feel that the worst gaslighting is when they covertly trigger you on purpose, then deny the reality they just created.
"It's irrelevant"
"You're overthinking"
But there are no witnesses, your word against theirs.
My recent ex narc was a master at this.
I'm discovering now 6 months on that everything I was apparently "overthinking" was true.
My mother used to use this technique with me, my sibling and people around us to gain control (among many other things). I only realized it about 10 years after moving out, and after having enough space and time to observe normal behaviors which in turned helped me realize that I was in a weird toxic bubble of manipulation growing up. It was a very sobering and shocking realization.
@@marzena4086 Hi there, sorry to hear that and from a parent too.
It's sad to think of all the effort these people put into lying and deceiving.
If they had turned that effort inward over the years, they might have been capable of loving and being loved.
I pity my ex narc for being so shallow. Xx
The classic" Your overthinking this. Why are you being so analytical " GTFOH. yep hear that too!
@@srfsummers6261 thank you. It’s definitely tied to their inability to love themselves. They have a toxic need to control everything around them, usually due to some trauma in childhood. After my initial realization that I was a puppet growing up, I felt anger, then pity, and now I’m finally at the point of unconditional forgiveness. Being away physically helped the most. Now I’m just interested in the subject to make sure that I don’t repeat those patterns.
@@beachlover9705 I once said I can't help being observant, after she gave me little things to observe, to which she replied "don't say that, my ex used to say that" it seemed a strange response at the time, but I backed off, now in hindsight I know it was major gaslighting.
Purposely giving me things to worry about, then making me feel guilty as sin if I mentioned anything or doubted the illogical tales.
It really is pathetic, the effort they put into their lies, just to play games.
You can’t change people’s toxic behavior. Often the best you can do is extract. Talking with a gaslighter is as productive as talking to a wall.
Very True
So true, but sad...
Not trying to out do you but…..talking with a gaslighter is like throwing a stick & finding out it was really a boomerang!!!
Or having a tennis ball throwing machine on high, aimed at you & then more machines get added (enablers) & you can’t get out.
@@cide3197 For real.
So true! I think it's worse than talking to a wall though. At least a wall just sits there, but a gaslighter keeps re-directing blame to you.
My wake up day was when my 14yr old daughter showed me a poem she wrote title Toxic love! Omg. My daughter has been my best friend and this man has physically, verbally and emotionally abused me for yearsssss! Blocked and No contact!!!!! It’s so many people that don’t own their wrongs!
Absolutely. Well done. You want an environment where your daughter can enjoy being a child.
Walked out of financial advisor office at chase bank 8.17. He was gas-lighting the hell out of me I pegged him at the outset! Looked him In the eye & said, I don’t play these games w/immature men who are boys...” this was a power dynamic at its finest.....”bye bye.....”. Took my $ & ran, then filed a complaint with JP Morgan.
Good for you, don't put up with that crap
Hard to communicate to a silent wall it’s frustrating and tiring only thing to do is leave and go no contact.
It's different when a child is involved and so hard especially if the child is in the care of the other parent. I try to be cordial and still set boundaries
The piece about the other person not wanting to be responsible for the way they behave really struck a chord with me. My ex definitely never wanted to be held accountable for his behavior, everything was either my fault or that I "knew" what kind of person he was and what kind of relationship we were in. It was a relationship with a power dynamic that exploited my low self esteem and naiveté.
Sometimes it takes us a while to catch up. We observe behaviors but don't know how or where to attach them, I call them hanging question marks. But when you step out of a relationship especially when you are no longer intimately involved you can see with such clarity things you gave a pass or overlooked when you were in relationship with an ex.
I'm close to a narc that never ever says I'm sorry when he behaves nastly, unless he's asked to apologize. He doesn't know the word "Sorry".
My friend was in a relationship. She always blame herself for his rude behavior. She always think that it's her fault and her partner also say it happens all because of her.
@@ramneetkaur7516 That's one of the hardest parts of being part of that kind of relationship. You keep thinking that if you "only did better" then they would like you and appreciate you. That being said, no one starts a relationship in this manner. It takes some time for the narcissist to play their cards. They get you hooked and then they start the manipulation. I send my best to your friend.
@@paoolguin7366 Run 🏃
"one of my favorite boundaries is standing up for myself" YES ❤️
Gaslighting is so so real…. And so sneaky, and settle…strategic is right. Best to stay away once you are done.
Being honest and standing up for ourselves is the best gift 💝 we can give to ourselves.
She’s really describing gaslighting well. I was married to a malignant narcissist and the gaslighting games and psychological manipulation drove me to mental breakdown. It’s really important to have a strong support system in place while in these relationships. I didn’t have that. A lot of people defended his behavior and I really thought I was crazy. Looking back, I see how sick that man really was.
Dear lovely person that's reading this, we may not know each other but I wish you all the best in life! ✨
I believe in you! Love - Nat ❤️
Same to you.....
Thank you, just what I needed to hear this morning.
You too Thank you
Thank you Nat, you too💖
@@razeedamohammed7656 Thank you so much, Razeeda! :) I appreciate you!
I just told my other half AGAIN to please not speak to me in such an undermining way. To which I was told “ just stop ok …. Your in a mood and looking for an argument “ ( I was literally playing and giggling with my child just before) I then got “ it’s your time of the month , this always happens “ ( it doesn’t) . I said to him to please listen to why I have a problem , to which I got “ I don’t care”
This has just pushed me over. I’m done. I’m so fed up thinking I’m stupid or wrong all the time.
Start recording your conversations if you have to. I know that probably seems over the top but you can go back for proof of what was stated or exchanged in words and use it for proof against him if need be. If he continues to undermine you, you and your baby deserve better ❤️ hope things turn around for you!!
Please take care of yourself and your child.
@maryssa this is true … sometimes you have to record conversations In order for things to stand ground with someone who’s manipulative and delusional
I can totally relate to you. With a child in the picture, the tendency is so strong to just accept it and smooth the whole thing over, but it is never resolved. And oh my god the 'period' assumption, it sets my blood boiling. And whenever I try to talk it out, he just shuts down and maintains we don't have any problem in our relationship. I feel so stifled but keep on putting a brave face for the sake of the kid..
Listen to the book Hold me tight. It’s on here honey. You want to try some things so that no regrets. 😘
We are being gaslit every single day when we turn on the news. Period. We get used to it. It’s the same with people. If it “feels” wrong, it is!! I had to make a choice to do my own research and make TRUTH the most important part of my life. I trust no one UNLESS I know for a fact they have my best interests in their heart. Too many false gods these days. I go straight to the Bible too and that is my book of truth!
❤❤❤
I’m dealing with corporate bullying. I will be going into a meeting this morning where I will most definitely be gaslit again. Give me strength to be strong. Respond only when needed and to not get defensive. 🤞
Gaslighting is one of the worse forms of abuse. I dated someone who gaslighted me all of the time. He would do or say cruel things to me then when I would get upset he would say that he didn’t say or do what he did. He was an awful person and a narcissist. What was strange is he thought himself as a “nice” guy, but his family and friends would say he was an a-hole and would ask me why I was with him. I think I still suffer from PTSD from being with him.
Arrears his fiends and family knew him for who he really was. Sadly MY life is different
I grew up with a horrible younger sibling who did things to me when my parents weren’t around
My mom would NEVER believe me about him
Even our friends think he’s an Angel
He has gaslighted and manipulated me
And takes no accountability for his actions
Why am I in this same situation it’s really scary but except everyone around him enables him …
I recently had to break up with my family due to my moms excessive and random attacks against my self perception. It hurts like hell but I feel a weight off my shoulders not feeling responsible for her behavior.
Good for you sis, sending you positive and healing vibrations. You will get through it. Part of self care is setting your boundaries and sticking to them because letting things slide that, don't sit well with you is a form of self disrespect. Best of luck always put yourself first x
Been there
Good for you ,hurt ppp hurt ppl I wonder who abused your mom or what happened in her life to make her that way but I'm glad you broke the cycle keep praying to God he will guide u..
I recently told a loved one that I refuse to be held accountable for other people’s mistreatment of them. I was constantly being verbally abused on false accusations, I finally broke and told them that I refuse to accept lies about myself and I will not be used as a punching bag for their past traumas.
Good for you!
This is really good. It’s a confirmation that I’m on the path to growth. Ive learned to admit when I’m wrong, apologize and make changes and I’ve also learned that I don’t have to accept responsibility for something that someone else is accountable for and I don’t feel bad about it any more.
Every moment of unhappiness in our lives is asking us to change . Allow that change to happen. When we transform, we grow -- Maitreya Dadashreeji
Love, peace and joy to everyone reading my comment❤️❤️❤️
Love to you also. 💙
Beautifully crafted!! Peace and happiness to you!!!💜
Beautifully crafted!! Peace and happiness to you!!💜
@@lindaibrahim5536 🤗
Yes
It takes practice - after years of NOT standing up for oneself, it takes TIME to change from one extreme to the other - like she said, do better and better.
Yes! I’ve been on the other side of not standing up for myself and it was trash! Also, I remember having a friend that would tell me my personality was too much and they way I would stand up for myself was too aggressive and I ended up becoming insecure about the way I handle things, so I ended up being inconsistent with standing up for myself because of what she said. As of now, I’m back on the other side because people will always test you and you cannot let up.
I was married to someone who gaslighted me all the time. After years of responding and reacting, I learned to just gray rock him. I learned over time that my husband actually enjoyed it when I engaged him.
I stood up for myself always and when it ended my ex told me two things that stood out to me! She said, “ I thought you were quiet and I want a flower”. Let me tell u what that mean since she refused to expand : Someone who is quiet is apparently easy to manipulate amd a flower is soft and can be molded to be what they want. I am a fierce warm and expressive warrior!
Yaas own that I hate when ppl do that just because u can doesn't mean you should may God protect your heart,mind,body and spirit
So you should be….
It took me so long to recognise the subtle signs of gaslighting in both romance and friendship. I love how Nedra calls it what it really is: unjustifiable 💚
I remember apologizing most of the time for 1 year and 5 mos. Been hating myself because He said I was too sensitive, overthinking, i have a different reality, that i am crazy.... thank God!!!! He made a way of escape 😭🙏🏽🙌🏼
This blessed me because I just realized I'm a gaslighter and a victim. Lord have mercy I'm am tired of being both time to be accountable and set boundaries
I have 2 friends who gaslight me all the time. I’m constantly apologizing and they make me feel like I’m too sensitive.
They aren’t real friends if they do that to you. They are abusing you
Leave them..you deserve much more than this illtreatment..Love yourself 💗
Dump them. They are *not* friends.
These are not your friends. Better to be alone for a while. Ask the Lord to send genuine friends .
My mother gaslighted me 98% of my life and my entire existence has been about unraveling this painful reality within adult intimate relationships. Walking away from great ones and slowing myself down to ultimately become the naive victim in unbalanced unfitting relationships. I know that the abuse sustained from parents perpetuates itself later on in life - to raise our standards we have to become self aware of this and stand up for ourselves. It’s easy to be assertive in NYC not so much in California, or Texas. I am 80% on the other side.
In bed crying right now. Its lonely and overwhelming. It f***s you up as a female.
Ha yeah lots of narcissism in California!
@@yvettedean92 Every where
Your mom and my mom too.
@@yvettedean92 Its as toxic and as defensive as it gets in California. The Wild West of Snowflakes.
I HATE IT WHEN MY FAMILY REVISE HISTORY.
I’m just in the beginning of cutting everyone toxic out of my life.
There is so much on narcissism Lisa Romano Dr Ramana Les Carter And Kenny WEiss are a must Tonia evan tones UNDERSTANDING better strategies helps you be sooooooo insightful and shows you ways to PROTECT urself
Dont Hate it it will send you CRAZY do your utmost to understand it will set you free XXXX
@@angelaandromedas3206 thank you!
Sometimes I do understand. But I guess what I hate is myself sometimes not being able to control my temper.
Something I’m currently working on.
@@narestone3527 Family is the worst when it comes to gaslighting. My mom is the queen of making it seem like she did something so helpful in the past and her ass did nothing. The history she created in her delusional mind makes her feel better about herself and it just pisses me off.
Don't feel guilty about it either.
Apologies without changed behavior, is nothing but Manipulation.
I use to always apologize to my emotionally manipulative ex friend I was always afraid to confront her about her disrespect and her gaslighting because she would always start crying and yelling I had to end that toxic relationship
Honestly, I dont know how I went a day without watching your videos. I was gaslit so badly in my previous relationship that I called up all of my friends from my past & apologised for being toxic. But every one of them said that I was a great friend and we just lost touch or outgrew each other. I hated myself so much because I thought that I hurt everyone with my toxic & selfish nature. I wish that I saw this video earlier it would've been a huge blessing!
It is BRUTAL! If you're self-aware enough to spot the behavior or even if not, you can FEEL it dude! Your like, "wait hold tf on! What is happening?!" Your mind warns you, your body warns you, and its up to you to find the behavior and repeat the scenario in your head as to what actually happened. Thats what i did when i first noticed someone gaslighting me. ❤😊
I was definitely gaslit as a kid by my dad. Something would definitely happen and he'd dismiss me or say I was lying. I'd lie in bed at night playing the situation over and over again in my head, trying to think of better ways to phrase things the next time something like that would happen, which was often. It would be simple situations! It turned me into an over-explainer and I finally got the courage a few years ago to put a stop to all of it.
My parents and teachers
My lawyer suggestee therapy
This was an interesting talk. I liked the statement "we have a choice if we want to argue"...VERY TRUE. I never experienced gaslighting till my last relationship. I didn't realize it till I heard this video and differentiated it from a narcissist. I have told him a couple times that his behavior should change when it comes to dealing with disagreements/stonewalling, but it is not my job now to correct him. Sometimes people don't want to change and they will realize later when they are in other relationships. I am glad however that I could show him someone cared about his mental well being and I know that I won't be forgettable in that sense. I wish he would have got therapy to work on this but I did not wait for that to start. I don't beat myself up ever and I guess that shows my integrity. I feel disappointed deeply that the relationship did not work out but I am glad I am able to talk up and valuing myself. It does leave one feeling hopeless that we could not do anything but if anyone is reading this, know that it is not you, show love, put your boundaries and try to move forward. Leave the situation if it does not serve you! I really liked how she brought up the culture/society aspect as well!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I am currently working up the strength to even see myself as worthy of setting and maintaining my boundaries
@@ivispark3780 oh yeah, i so relate to you. I used to just refuse to believe that i am valuable and someone that is to be cherished. I always tend to put others ahead of me and tend to play down my worth.
But interviews like these, self help books and Yoga have been helping me build up my self esteem again and take small but sure steps to assert myself politely but firmly. For example, when I helped out someone, I used to brush off their 'Thanks' with a 'No problem' or 'don't mention it'. Of course, it was not a problem to help, but I did give my time and effort to do it and I deserve the credit that is being offered. Now I have learnt to say 'You're welcome' and accept the gratitude thankfully.
More power to you on your journey. You are not alone. You are WORTH it. Say it out loud everyday. It will make a change. Much love 💗
This resonated with me SO much. I just recently had the courage to stand by ME and my mental. I realized I could no longer help him when I’m an empty glass and he has all the spillings of me and doesn’t even cherish or acknowledge all that I’ve done for him. Because it’s “always” my fault no matter the circumstance. Thank you for sharing this.
@@Coocooocachewww I feel you girl.
Keep it up ladies. It's really hard but our journeys make us kind and still be bold. You all inspired me to keep strong. :)
I was in a relationship for years and took me a while after I got out of it to realise it was gaslighting and I still deal with the affects years later
My bf gaslights me and then after I start to cry from being overwhelmed with emotion he says "sorry" to shut me up. So yes narcissistic ppl do apologize unauthentically.
The first line could read " my ex boyfriend ?
Wholly crap! This is how I think and feel, despite going through a relationship as she describes. Small difference is that when " he" wanted or expected me to apologize...and I realized it wasn't for me to say "sorry I messed up." I stood my ground. Oooo boy that created HUGE issues! Unfortunately it did leave me to say "I refuse to deal...enough is enough ...done...bye" just took 6 or so months. 😏
Many life lessons I gained from this.
6 minutes in: *holds back tears*
Well I can tell this episode is going to be helpful, I’ve ignored this from not wanting to deal with it
Amazing, I loved it. All great topics! Thank you both :D
I've started saying, "I understand what you're saying; I just don't see it that way." Started with the biggest gaslighter in my life, my father. Certainly raised my self-esteem and curtailed his condescension and bulldozing behaviors...mostly. Certainly curtailed me feeling bad about it.
That’s why or this is why compatibility is sooo important!!! When your too different from one another it’s going to be difficult,disappointing or disastrous … unless one is subservient to the other… and that’s not fun at all.
Wow Nedra is a stunning person inside and out 🙌🏼
"Arguing is a Choice" I love this. The disagreement and agreement is spot on
My husband gaslights me a lot and he says he hates when I call him out on it. I'm really fed up with the ways he mistreats me and says that it's my fault for his bad behavior. I really appreciate your statement about it not being okay to let anyone mistreat you like that because I know I definitely have struggled with all of the other parts of gas lighting and I'm just now understanding how to stand up for myself and not be so passive about it. I want to know what else I can do to help myself be stronger in knowing my own value and self worth.
Narcicism...RUN....
@Alex I don't think that's what she wants to hear.
Watch Dr Ramani...she is an expert in narcicism.
Alex tells the truth...there is no justification to endure abuse. You deserve to spend your days loving yourself, not fighting off an abuser. Only after loving ❤ yourself enough will u attract someone who will love and cherish u.
Regardless, loving yourself is the goal.
Finding someone else is an add on.
Please leave...and U MUST plan your exit.
Narcicism is as Evil as it gets.
You have to ask yourself how many years you want to lose. The time it takes to build yourself back up after being in a relationship with a narcissist is a long hard road and the sooner you start the sooner you're free. You also have a ton more energy to put into creating joy in your life when it's not being drained by a partner. Get into therapy to help you leave. You can't change a narcissist and will burn up precious time trying. Life is short.
Jennifer, I think the best thing you can do to boost your self worth is to find a good group of friends and family who will support you. It is always a good thing to have people in your corner. I had very low self esteem, for a very long time, and I didn't really start coming in to my worthiness until I started spending more time around friends who could see my value and reflected back to me. Once we are in a relationship it can be quite difficult to extract the self from the us. You need to do things not as a couple, but by yourself or with your own group of friends to see that you are not just the subordinate part of this thing called a marriage.
Her opening statement hit home for me. As a man we're told to keep things that happen to us , to ourselves. But gaslighting for us often times comes in the form of questioning our manhood, or masculinity. Its like shoving us back into a shell.
its about maturity and KNOWING yourself to be able to stand up for yourself. and yes, you become tired and you start to see peoples patterns and then its easier to stand up for yourself and let go of toxicity.
I'm so proud of you Lisa ❤️. The rate at which your channel is growing is amazing. I appreciate you and Tom very much. Thank you for all the wake up calls, and being part of my journey. 🎉 💪 #WOMENOFIMPACTFOREVER.
The gaslighting I endure and the bait and switch that’s done on me to appear like it’s all my fault when I’m only reacting to abuse, is eating me alive. I didn’t ask to be in this situation. Prayers appreciated.
Women of impact this was one of your most meaningful episodes I seen it really touched home and I was able to get out of a situation because of the gaslighting thank you for your platform and giving women a voice 💯
@@divinedon6443 They definitely are helpful.
I love this conversation! It's so necessary especially in these times we're in. Toxic ppl love to gaslight you from what I learned. But, like she said boundaries. Taking up for yourself which I have been doing I know ppl who hate being held accountable. Plus the power of detachment is my superpower to protect my peace.
I agree, and they're such pros at the gaslighting, and they do everything to try to make it seem like they're not gaslighting, so they gaslight about gaslighting.
I love the thermostat example, someone was willing to not see me for days and send someone else to "deal with me" instead of having the thermostat conversation.
Yes, I've learned over the years to take up for myself towards my husband and mother in law because they both have a problem with being accountable for their actions. I just call them out on the spot and they call me mean for that. I'm doing this to is set boundaries to have a peace of mind.
@@BetterGlowCosmetics Keep calling them out! Oh well the truth hurts.
Extra Thumbs Up! Gaslighting is now a well-used weapon in peoples tool kit. It is seen to consistently work, so people of course get good at this manipulative, heartbreaking, boundary ignoring behavior. Great Topic.
OMG this video is soo for me. I love this channel soo much. What the sister was saying about the self-talk, I have done it for years. For a minute I thought I was crazy but then I finally realized it was my passive aggressive ways that I didn't even realize I had. This video is confirmation for me. Thank you soo much. This is a video I will watch often to make sure it really sinks in.
I know the deal now. The past upto the present. It's a wrap. Time to go. I have learned to observe. Enough thinking.
Many episodes of gaslighting that I experienced were exposed by presenting an undeniable reality such as a photograph or video or asking follow up questions. Sometimes gaslighting occurs because of a lack of subjective memory; time exposes it eventually which doesn’t make me feel like I’ve ‘won’ but only establishes that it happened & I wasn’t lying.
Even then some narcissists and abusers will call it a forgery or photoshop. I talk from experience 😂😂
I couldn't even watch the entire vid yet bc I'm so moved by it and the comments and I'm currently still with/ around my toxic ass "family"until I can make a better way for myself.
I wholeheartedly wish all of you/ us more peace Prosperity and joy in our lives. And to cut these manipulative toxic disgusting individuals out of our lives FOREVER. These ppl just ruin lives and have never paid for their evils.
If you had a narcissist partner be glad that's all bc having evil manipulative toxic parents and siblings is literally hell and to to it off they just deny EVERYTHING while doing YOU dirty then acting like you're the problem and actively ruining your reputation behind your back trying to make sure that others feel the way they feel about you so that nobody sees them for what they truly are. These people are all throughout my "family" and I fucking hate it, can't wait to get away, far away, move, relocate and never look back.
And when you get away stay away. My own advice to my younger self 😣
“arguing is a choice” omg this resonates with me so much!! my ex gf used to turn every single thing into an argument when 99% of the time it didn’t need to escalate to an argument. i would calmly try to bring up an issue and she would immediately get defensive, change her tone, deflect, etc. and then would try and say that all i want to do is pick fights when all i’m simply doing is trying to have an honest discussion with her. it got to a point where i was scared to even bring anything up to her bc of how she was going to react. i finally told her that i needed to stand up for myself and she acted so confused by what i meant by that. so happy i finally decided to put myself and my boundaries first it’s so worth it.
I didn't realize it was happening to me too! Escaped 2 years ago!!
Congratulations! I feel the same way. It took a long time, but I finally got out of a 17 year relationship at the beginning of 2020. I wish you well in all your future endeavors.
@@TiffanyHallmark You are so brave!
Betrayal of self ouch that hit home I've done this. This is my journey to forgive myself. And love who I am and empower who I am. Standing up for me it has empowered me launch me in to looking for me. I had left myself down for so many years. Thank you God for empowering me to do this. Thank you ladies for this amazing interview. All the knowledge 🌷
I'm actually having an internal conversation about my should've saids.
I recently started a new job in a new city and it's interesting getting to know people... I've also started the process of emotionally detaching myself from someone. It's a struggle with both but I think this video will help... I'm kinda all over the place of finding my way through all of this.
You’re doing a great thing by stepping out of your comfort zone. When we’re uncomfortable we can experience the most growth! I remember moving states with nobody I knew around me, it was the worst but somehow best decision I’ve ever made lmao. My heart goes out to you, you got this!❤️ trust the process!
@@ani1451 ❤❤❤
I love this episode🤩 Absolutely love Nedra Tawwab 😍 Bought her book back in March, love love love it 🥰 I already find myself referring back to it and calling it my Boundary Bible 🤩 A Must Read….Set Boundaries, Find Peace ☮️
👍😎
Sorry to make such a superficial comment, but both of you are radiant.
My word she is so chilled and direct with no fluffy information
Develop INTOLERANCE. TO SAY A FIRM NO. I SAID the truth. Integrity. COURAGEOUS STAND. 👍👍
Hi Lisa, I just wanted to say thank you! For being you! I don’t watch your videos often enough (any chance of videos about how to stop procrastinating?☺️), but every now and then your channel pops up in my feed and I start watching and I think, why haven’t I watched more often. You’re so so good at what you do. I absolutely love and appreciate how you ask the right questions. Like you have this ability to really put yourself in other peoples skin. When watching this talk, many times Nedra (by the way, thank you Nedra also for being such a strong and beautiful woman!) is speaking about some small but meaningful situations, and there would be a thought, a question popping up in my head , then literally 2 seconds later you ask it! I have questions because I think I might find this video very relevant to my life at the moment so I’m interested, but for you to REALLY FEEL what the person watching might be feeling and thinking is truly a gift. Never loose that Lisa, you’re helping so many women in so many ways you probably could never imagine. Youre an amazing human being, thank you 🙏
Thanks ladies! I'm glad to hear what she said about her Greek family. I have a family member who, when they don't like me to speak up for myself, they say that I "talk" too much (when others are present, to make me look "bad") - but other times, they ask me why I'm so quiet (but only do this when others are not around), so in other words, I'm being punished no matter WHAT I DO, walking on eggshells, between a rock and a hard place, NO WIN, I get abused. I wish I knew the perfect response to that, because it comes up regularly. If I wanted to be mean like them, I guess I could say, "I only "talk too much" when you don't like what I'm saying."
Narcissists and people with BPD and fear of abandonment often try to have an argument in BAD FAITH, where they get illogical to try to "win" the argument. They will argue that the sky has never been blue and tell you to prove differently.
AFFIMING: I am safe. I love my life.
I allow myself to be in the present moment,
right here, right now. I have everything I need.
I am open to new ideas. I am here, here
in my body, and all is well. I am aware
of my thoughts, feelings, and body, in the present moment.
I am grounded and connected to the earth. I trust myself.
I am open to new ways of thinking. I embrace change.
I love myself. I let go of my past. I feel safe and secure.
Yessss..preference not rules. I get annoyed when someone says I've won the disagreement just to try to get me to be quiet. There's no winner..I have my opinion, you have yours. Great conversation
Sometimes we do things that we are not proud of and we need to deal with it. This is so true.🙏
This is Beautiful way to have this conversation... Girl POWER!!!!
Thank you for this 💓💓💓💓💓🙏🙏🙏🙏
This is what I am dealing with right now in a relationship. This video just confirmed what I was thinking and what I posted on my social media yesterday. I have to start speaking up for myself
The reality is we wouldn’t have had to stand for ourselves unless another person / people are covertly manipulating us ! Please learn about this . 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻.
wow, what a great conversation! Calling our boundaries ‘preferences’ made the concept somehow, lighter & easier to put into practice.
Agreed. Love this
This is so good. I grew up with two narc parents. Dad left when I was in elementary school. And blames me bc he never wanted me (anymore kids). I’m the youngest of 3 girls. Mom was nice but extremely critical. Now that I’m 34 years old any time I stand up for myself or say behavior is not okay; I’m told I’m being argumentative or to calm down. Even when I’m speaking softly.
Fast-forward: I married a narc/sociopath at 19. Had a child. I had to escape that marriage and move 800 mi away. Which emboldened him to quit his job and move within 4 weeks. Divorce was hell. Then he took me to court every year. He would call and say he can’t get our daughter this weekend. Then Turn around and take me to court stating I won’t let him see her. Just so I could be held in contempt. (Which I never was). Then he took he got remarried. This woman stalked me. Found out what church I went to then filed in court stating I was harassing her. Would show up to my daughters school pretending to be me. Took me thru a 3 yr long custody battle where I lost my home and car due to paying for attorney fees. Had to do a bench trial. I won (maintained full custody) immediately! Judge told him to talk to our daughter (who was waiting in his chambers). Only for him - ex husband; to walk out of court and never her again. It’s been almost 4 years. He’s never called or visited her. She’s abt to be 14 now. And now has severe depression. In therapy etc.
My initial point is this: I apologized all throughout my life just to keep the peace. Accepted blame when I didn’t do anything wrong. Gaslit constantly. I want nothing to do with my dad. And yet I always seem to attract emotionally unavailable men.
After years of being single and in therapy, I finally meet someone who loved and adored me. Gave me the world and the moon. Only to switch one day and put me thru the ringer. It was literal night and day. Would yell at me and I would have to apologize just to keep peace. This year my nephew died suddenly (we were only 5 years apart). And my bf (now ex) would make me apologize for being sad and not getting over it. He would be like idk what’s wrong with you. And id say my nephew died three weeks ago (my bf attended the funeral with me and was there when I got the call too). He would violently YELL at me bc I left the lamp at bedtime and saying I didn’t care about him getting proper sleep. I was always blamed for his rage and temper and for him cursing me out. He was very controlling. I left him a few months ago. It’s been really hard returning to myself. I’ve missed my voice and my laugh and my wildly positive outlook on life. I’m getting better. I’m tender and fragile yet getting stronger again. I lost 30lbs in less than 6mo. I’m in therapy etc.
I don’t even think of meeting someone new. I need time to heal. My fear is this: when I am ready, and I meet someone, how will I know early on if he’s like the rest of them? 😢
I don't have a problem apologizing when I make a mistake. I feel bad if I don't apologize and feel better that I did. So to hear that people have a problem apologizing and that's why they gas lighting, etc. really pisses me off. I'm so tired of having toddler like relationships with people. So many insecure, huge egos, selfish, controlling, narcissistic, manipulating, time sucking, people . It's an epidemic! I'm exhausted dealing with all of them! I would rather just have a few friends who are high quality people. That's it. I'm not going round and round or trying to explain over and over why I said no. I'm easy going, flexible, humble, caring and I just feel better around the same people. The rest of them makes my anxiety escalate. Why should I be around people that make me sick?
Yeah I think we have a problem in our culture of insecurity and projection. Doesn’t seem like anybody sees eye-to-eye, we only see from our POV. I hate that it is this way. Not a lot of conflict resolving, but a lot of resentment
Thank you, this helps.
I usually just stand up for myself then walk away
"Arguing is a choice." -- love it!
WOW...I was looking for the definition of gas lighting-so amazing!!
I was in such a fog of confusion last year. and my husband said i was depressed and that i should get on antidepressants too!
blaming me for “ruining” every good event, but he was making me feel horrible.
i would apologize. he demands apologies.
he shifts blame all the time and uses reactive abuse against me.
using anger and passive aggression to shut down my feelings/thoughts and pointing to all his good works as counter evidence, deflecting, changing subject, etc
guilt trips
double standards and denying it
when i called him out i was careful to say i had been “feeling gaslighted” a couple months ago he freaked out and said i was crazy all while i was reading the symptoms “they say you’re crazy” right afterwards.
he gets mad when i bring up the past because i want accountability/reconciliation/acknowledgment and he says I’m not being “forgiving” since he’s “apologized,” which i think is a tool for denial and keeping me from speaking my experience, even though it gives context to how i currently feel.
THANK YOU NADRA FOR YOUR WISDOM!!!!!
This discussion is so helpful. The hosts asks really great questions. I needed this today! Nedra is very knowledgeable and as the host said her message is easily digestible! Very refreshing! Thank you to both of you ladies!
Great talk! If only people didn’t let their insecurities and fears dictate their behavior. People act out when they are trying to compensate for something they see as an internal deficit. We must normalize self acceptance, the good, the bad, & the ugly.
True. How you express yourself is specific to the culture you were born into and it may be misunderstood unless the other person recognises that this is the way one was brought up expressing it.🙏
Omg……. All of this is completely true. Thank God for therapy and complete closure
Can you please do an episode on ghosting
This session is amazing. Another power woman who is impacting my life ❤️❤️
Regarding apologies, the gaslighting can easily use that against you as accuse you of faking the apology to avoid accountability.
It's all about how you feel inside about yourself (to not take blame for other's behaviors when they're trying to make you). If you truly feel this way, you will not bend or break. That is where most of us have issues, because we have been taught from the minute we are born (from our parents and society) that it IS our fault. And being that we live in a culture where you should always "respect" (respect as in bowing to, not true respect) bosses, clergy, doctors, judges, cops, teachers, men in suits, government, etc., does NOT help.
I’m so glad I came across this message. I’m learning the importance of standing up for myself & knowing my self worth. Thank you! I hope to hear more on this topic.
I really needed to hear this right now. Thank you both!
I wonder how many “vulnerable narcissists” see something like this and flip the narrative in their minds to confirm their idealized self image and or need to play the victim/blame shift.
Random thought. Great info though, and thank you.
Love your take on accountability. I’m aiming for dynamics, from now on, where that is reciprocated as opposed to exploited.